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Home > Archer (2009) - Season 2
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Archer (2009) - Season 2

Archer (2009) - Season 2

Archer (2009) is an American animated television series that first aired in 2009 and has since gained a massive cult following. Season 2 of Archer continues the hilarious and action-packed adventures of the dysfunctional, yet highly skilled, spy agency known as ISIS (International Secret Intelligence Service).

The show follows the life of the titular character, Sterling Archer, a highly skilled but arrogant and self-centered secret agent. Voiced by the talented H. Jon Benjamin, Archer is known for his sharp wit, excessive drinking, and womanizing ways. Despite his many flaws, Archer often manages to save the day, albeit usually through sheer luck rather than skill.

Joining Archer at ISIS are a unique cast of characters, each with their own eccentricities and quirks. Lana Kane, voiced by Aisha Tyler, is Archer's ex-girlfriend and fellow agent. She is a highly skilled markswoman and often finds herself in the middle of Archer's shenanigans.

Malory Archer, voiced by Jessica Walter, is Archer's mother and the head of ISIS. She is a domineering and manipulative woman who constantly meddles in her son's personal and professional life. Malory's motherly instincts, or lack thereof, often creates hilarious and awkward situations.

The rest of the ISIS team is equally entertaining. Cyril Figgis, voiced by Chris Parnell, is a bumbling and insecure comptroller who possesses limited field skills but often finds himself on missions due to his relationship with Lana. Pam Poovey, voiced by Amber Nash, is HR director-turned-field agent with a wild and unpredictable personality. Cheryl Tunt, voiced by Judy Greer, is Malory's dimwitted secretary whose bizarre behavior always keeps the team on their toes.

The second season of Archer builds upon the success of the first, delivering even more outrageous storylines, rich character development, and brilliant comedic writing. This season takes viewers on a rollercoaster ride of espionage, undercover missions, and humorous interactions between the flawed yet endearing characters.

One of the highlights of Season 2 is the ongoing tension between Archer and Lana, their love-hate relationship adding a layer of complexity to the show's dynamics. Meanwhile, the rest of the characters find themselves embroiled in various escapades, including thwarting international assassins, double-crosses, and unraveling a mysterious conspiracy that threatens ISIS.

The writing in Archer is sharp, witty, and filled with pop culture references that keep the audience engaged and laughing throughout. The show expertly balances its parody of spy genre tropes with its unique comedic style, creating an irresistibly entertaining blend.

The combination of talented voice acting, clever writing, and stylish animation sets Archer apart from other adult animated series. It pushes boundaries, unafraid to tackle sensitive subjects with biting satire, and incorporates live-action actors into its animated world with guest appearances from the likes of Christian Slater, Burt Reynolds, and David Cross, just to name a few.

For fans of Archer, or newcomers to the series, the sounds of Season 2 can now be enjoyed and downloaded here. From the iconic sound of Archer's martinis being shaken, not stirred, to the catchy theme song that sticks in your head for days, these sounds capture the essence of the show's unique atmosphere.

In conclusion, Archer (2009) Season 2 is a must-watch for fans of adult animation, comedy, and espionage. With its memorable cast of characters, razor-sharp writing, and captivating storyline, it continues to captivate audiences with its irreverent humor and clever storytelling. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to the show, you won't want to miss the hilarious and action-packed adventures of Archer and the gang. So sit back, relax, and prepare to laugh out loud as you dive into the wild world of Archer!

A big spritz of knockout gas?
A bit, yes, but I'm afraid I know nothing about this.
A blood sample is enough to determine paternity.
A candy bar! Mother, I'm not the father, it was...
A green card?
A hundred thousand pesos in bribes, and my stomach's never been the same.
A lot of these aren't so simple.
A man barely alive.
A microchip? Russian markings? What on earth is this?
A rainbow should shoot out every time you open it.
A roll, then. Whatever.
A taut, sexy thriller.
A third party? But we have a state of the art laboratory at ISIS.
A thousand times, da.
A tontine, lads.
A traitor to the cause of environmental protection?
A walk? Is that some sort of a joke?
A week's supply of breast cancer chemotherapy drugs...
A what? That... What are you...? I don't have one of those.
A, because I got deported, and B... So she can actually sell ISIS?
Aah! Aah! No, no, no.
Aah! Who taught you women how to shoot?
About Ruth. I guess you heard.
About time. Ass.
According to ODIN's guy in the KGB, which, as a real agency, we have.
Actually, hoped.
Actually, I don't know what I was implying. I just said it.
Actually, that would not surprise me.
Afraid I haven't seen a Magic Marker either, sir.
Afraid it's just not responding to those chemo drugs
After a lifetime of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth!
After Cyril Figgis saves the day.
After Slutya Slutsakova did this.
After that sc**** I got you out of?
After the war ended, we were snatching up Kraut scientists like hotcakes.
After you, kiddo.
After? Why didn't you lock down the building?
Afternoon, comrades.
Ah, is not so bad, you take crossword, you catch up with your neighbors.
Ah, Monsieur Archer.
Ahem. Medical discharge.
Ahem. So, what do you guys think? Loafers and a suit, yea or nay?
Ahh. I'm good.
Airboat! Oh, man!
Alas, poor Reggie.
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying personality disorder.
Alive.
All except Miss Archer's.
All from the past six months. What the hell?
All I did was foolishly lose it.
All my money's in, like, a trust and I'd have to ask my gross brother.
All of it.
All right, Archer, you win this round.
All right, fair enough. Come on, girls.
All right, I'm going in. Man, I can't believe I'm doing this.
All right, let's do that again.
All right, so wait a second. What are your three biggest fears?
All right, so, suggestions.
All right, the Mark 2 has kind of nubbly ridges.
All right, there's my signature.
All right, those are ODIN guys. Ray, you're the little pink sailor and...
All right, time for a little tension relief of my own.
All those beaners care about is taking American jobs.
ALL: Barry? Yes, Barry, hi.
ALL: Ugh.
Alligators, by far the biggest.
Along with comb over.
Alrighty. Well, welcome to the United States.
Also from X Men. Remember?
Also irrelevant, because you're not going to screw this up, are you?
Also, yes.
Although he has been a lot nicer ever since he was diagnosed.
Although this is a way better excuse than the train dwarf, which...
Although, I do have 3 pounds of glass in my feet.
Although, that is what you'd say if you were a double agent.
Always dropping calls, you know?
Always hide in plain sight. Unless you've got a better idea.
Always looking for something sturdy to loop his Sam Browne over?
Always prancing around in those clingy little whatever they are..
And a broken hand which kills.
And a hidden transmitter in your rifle scope.
And a Negress at that.
And after that falafel, I am right behind him.
And also for us to sweep the building, the doing of which I am in charge.
And another one. Shit, and another.
And as for Stilton, there's no nice way to put it.
And as long as I can still, you know, swoop in and save the day, ha ha...
And as the 24 hours of uninterrupted vault footage shows...
And B...
And bring me some stuff to do. It's crazy, stupid boring in here.
And Cyril's, and Pam's. Everybody's.
And do it badass like I would...
And don't you want to freshen up after your long ride?
And every dime of that 4 million better be in that bag.
And everybody else shut up and watch Terms of Enrampagement.
And everything else.
And guess who he was.
And he is the man I will marry.
And he paid up front, in cash.
And he was looking at me... My God, I can still see him smile.
And her lover.
And here's another one. Remember Jerry Reed's character in Gator?
And here's to the old Double Deuce.
And how does she have 2.3 million damn dollars in her 401(k)?
And how long you think this one's gonna be around?
And how much will you be splitting?
And I also know I got five of your hand tailored suits in the back.
And I also know that nobody likes a tattletale.
And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all...
And I can just forget all about getting on the board of the Met.
And I can just forget all about getting on the board of the Met.
And I can let all this stuff go for $41,688.
And I can say positively you are...
And I definitely could've been nicer to you, Ca... Cheryl.
And I don't know how it's gonna turn out, so I wanted to, you know...
And I don't want ISIS or you. And all I want is this lettuce and his brother.
And I just assume I don't wanna know what's on that.
And I just can't wait to hear that lame excuse.
And I know you're in a lot of pain, so just try to relax.
And I know you're not supposed to let Woodhouse see your lady parts.
And I move on with my life, and then, bam, you drill one into a hooker.
And I never got my swan shaped towels.
And I never thought I'd say this, but, Sterling, you did the right thing.
And I still got two to go, so if you don't mind...
And I think Sterling might be trying to cross into Russia.
And I'll even throw in the Chokebot.
And I'll see you at the lawyer's office, granny.
And I'm also sorry we can't let you blow up this pipeline.
And I'm like, "Who cares?" And he's like...
And I'm pretty sure... Guys, feel free to correct me.
And I'm seeing this more and more.
And if anyone's going to ruin my son's wedding...
And if I can be there for her when she really needs me, then all the better.
And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.
And if it's one thing I've learned in all my years as a spy master...
And if it's one thing I've learned in all my years as a spy master...
And if you won't tell him, Woodhouse, I bloody well shall.
And if you're hot, and also somewhat bitchy, drink a beer.
And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand.
And JFK's father was a bootlegger.
And just for the record, I don't care.
And lay off the wee baby Seamus.
And maybe together we could add up to one good parent for this baby.
And mystery solved, he was a thousand.
And nobody, especially Mother, is gonna ruin that for me.
And now all the candy is Mother's...
And now he has it, so it's all Sterling this and ribbons that.
And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever...
And now Mr. Archer is...
And now, all of a sudden, he's like, "Let me go"?
And now, Oscar winner Rona Thorne takes on the CIA and the KGB...
And oh, my... His first black turtleneck.
And once the worm decrypts the cover list and uploads it...
And other mysterious circumstances. Every one of these is like that.
And Pam, your job is to neutralize the ODIN agents.
And possible genetic clones of Adolf Hitler closer.
And probably killed.
And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so...
And second of all, I didn't steal that money, I merely borrowed it.
And second of all, no one is going to kidnap you on my watch.
And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.
And second, where is Cheryl Tunt?
And she's also having a torrid affair with one of her sexy young agents...
And since you all witnessed the blood sample...
And since you seem unclear on the concept...
And so does our target, Joshua Gray, a.k.a. Gandalf.
And so I ended up being an actress.
And so I wanted to say I'm sorry, Pam...
And so is your heart, Woodhouse.
And so now all 20 enraged feet of him is swimming around out there.
And so said test results conclude...
And so you've memorized every fatal alligator attack?
And so, if the reagent turns blue...
And some blowjobs.
And some damn guard dog you is.
And speaking of, kiddo, I hope you're gonna welcome me into your family.
And speaking of, you are so lucky this worked out.
And speaking of...
And thank you.
And thanks, Pam, way to drag out a kidnapping. Now I'm late again.
And that goes double for number two, Mr. Man.
And that kind of depends.
And that reminds me. Dr. Ben?
And that smile of his, it gets me through the day.
And that was a lot better.
And that will be Stinky.
And the bunny attached to it. He is attached, right?
And the damn thing is spreading, to every computer in the office.
And the guilt from sex makes me binge, then I feel fat...
And the legal owner of a bearer bond...
And the lettuce.
And the price is irrelevant, because you're going to steal it back...
And then I just sort of drifted about.
And then the sky just shattered.
And then the unemployment office after ODIN lays us all off.
And then we beginning Phase Three.
And there are huge tax implications for that.
And there I found him, in the words of Henley, "bloodied but unbowed."
And there shan't be any rescue party.
And they can't even turn off the stupid mainframe.
And they promised me I could direct.
And they're expecting you.
And this deuce ain't gonna drop itself.
And to that end, Woodhouse, macrobiotic food.
And to whom might I be speaking?
And trust me dear, this vault is the safest place in the entire building.
And two, the absolute last person on Earth I'd have a baby with is Archer...
And victory will only come when Americans stop destroying the earth...
And was that, hopefully, some sort of Vietcong prison camp?
And we are here to make sure of it
And we don't want them coming here.
And we need never to speak of that sickening invasion of privacy again.
And we were encouraged to, you know, blend.
And we'll always be one step ahead of them.
And we're not? Tsk, you got any idea how much I got on my plate?
And what about helping me escape?
And what in God's name do you people want?
And what is up with your mother?
And what time is late?
And what's ironic is Archer, besides sodomizing my fiancée...
And what's taking those two so long?
And what's there to toast about, anyway?
And while you eat humble pie with a side of crow, Lana, I will be dining on trout.
And who would even want to?
And why couldn't it be the Brazilian mob?
And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?
And would you get off? Breath?
And yes, the A stands for "awesome."
And yet you talk.
And you can have these control tops.
And you have to steal it back because I, um, slightly borrowed it.
And you know what's fricking lame?
And you made it all look so beautiful, Woodhouse.
And you were about to when you thought it would get you my job.
And you, take Cheryl some crayons or cheese or something.
And you, the worst of the bunch.
And you. Go see Krieger this instant.
And you're kind of family, and I know I'm not always as nice to you as I could be...
And you're taking tetraphenol orally, right?
And, Lana, please, you have to, have to, have to help me.
And, Lana. Lana, I want you to know that what I said last...
And, Mother, this is Katya Kasanova.
And, Mother, this is Katya Kasanova.
And, oh, my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.
And, uh, by the way, try not to be unconscious too long.
And, uh, calfskin, you said? Aah...
And, uh, sorry about your homey...
And, uh, sorry about your homey...
And, uh, when will monsieur desire to try his luck at the tables?
And?
Annie?
Annie.
ANNOUNCER: It's the second qualifying round in the Monaco Grand Prix...
ANNOUNCER: They're wheel to wheel coming out of the last chicane...
ANNOUNCER: Well, Dennis, it's a strange turn of events here...
Answer: Yes. They both were, because New Orleans is my kind of town...
Ants are gonna be the least of your worries, smackhound.
Ants. All over my body.
Any unusual exposure to radiation?
Anyhoo, turns out I mixed up your chart with another patient's.
Anyway, I loaded that into the mainframe...
Anyway, whatever, emotions like love don't actually come from the heart.
Anywhere but there.
Apparently, how bad a Ping Pong paddle hurts on a tiny bare ass.
Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.
ARCHER [SLURRING]: Nice warning, stupid.
ARCHER & GILLETTE: Ew.
Archer residence.
Archer, I still haven't gotten those T&E reports you promised me.
Archer, let me climb up you.
ARCHER: A double agent.
ARCHER: Absolutely. But if I do...
ARCHER: Ahem. So, uh, yeah.
ARCHER: And also was that? LANA: Archer.
ARCHER: And say hi to Sister Morphine.
ARCHER: Aw. I meant to make a frowny face.
ARCHER: Balls. Nailed it
ARCHER: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off.
ARCHER: But wait, he's expecting Mother. LANA: Yup.
ARCHER: But what does that mean, is that good?
ARCHER: Cyril, what? Noth... Oh!
ARCHER: Don't worry about what I'm doing, concentrate on what you're doing.
ARCHER: Especially since you and I had sex when I had cancer.
ARCHER: Ew.
ARCHER: Heh, heh, heh. And how and why is that funny?
ARCHER: Heh. Oh, man, what have I been doing?
ARCHER: Hello? There's this great new thing called "coasters."
ARCHER: Hey. Scripes wasn't here to kill us.
ARCHER: Holy shit
ARCHER: Huh, that's gross? You use shrimp tape.
ARCHER: I am the target.
ARCHER: I don't know. Oswald's pretty famous.
ARCHER: I got it, let's go.
ARCHER: I gotta tell you guys...
ARCHER: I mean, because you know what it sounds like, right?
ARCHER: I said, um, how's, uh, your ex fiancée?
ARCHER: I see it, Lana.
ARCHER: I seriously don't feel good at all.
ARCHER: I, um... Darling, I know she is old...
ARCHER: I'm trying to stay positive.
ARCHER: Krieger. Oh, commence the modified Ludovico.
ARCHER: Lana, what are you doing?
ARCHER: Like suck at stuff. And leave this to people...
ARCHER: Little help?
ARCHER: Look at his tufted ears. ...worth?
ARCHER: Looking for this?
ARCHER: Mother, come on, they said I could eat and drink till midnight.
ARCHER: Mother? Mother?
ARCHER: No!
ARCHER: ODIN? Or whom.
ARCHER: Oh, boy. Technically
ARCHER: Oh, I don't know about all that.
ARCHER: Oh, man, is this great? LANA: No, Archer.
ARCHER: Oh, my God, these ODIN dicks.
ARCHER: Oh, what the hell? Hello?
ARCHER: Oh.
ARCHER: Oh. Right
ARCHER: Okay, so that's Barry and Lana.
ARCHER: Ow, ow, ow.
ARCHER: Ow. BARRY: Now, see?
ARCHER: Phased plasma laser countermeasures?
ARCHER: Phew. Wow.
ARCHER: Probably. CHERYL: Yeah.
ARCHER: Ray?
ARCHER: Really? With who?
ARCHER: See? Look at him, he's crazy for it.
ARCHER: Seriously, these potato heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.
ARCHER: She's right here.
ARCHER: Shut up. Shut up, here it comes.
ARCHER: So you're selling ISIS?
ARCHER: Thanks, crazy. L...
ARCHER: That doesn't even make sen... Ow.
ARCHER: Then what? Then they gave me the VC and my papers.
ARCHER: There's no sink! Ahh!
ARCHER: Those cannot be your only shoes.
ARCHER: Uh, you could help, you know. Yeah. So, now, uh, what are we doing?
ARCHER: Um...
ARCHER: Um... Hated that phone. Ha ha ha.
ARCHER: Unless you wanna stay here.
ARCHER: Was that rhetorical? LANA: Archer.
ARCHER: Well, wait, hang on a second.
ARCHER: Wha...? And the who.
ARCHER: What are you doing? Delaney's not here.
ARCHER: What is that? No. Oh, yeah.
ARCHER: What?
ARCHER: What? Lady luck, monsieur.
ARCHER: What? Not compared to that.
ARCHER: What? Nothing.
ARCHER: What? PAM: What the shit?
ARCHER: Where's Mother?
ARCHER: Whoo hoo!
ARCHER: Why are you idiots in the armory?
ARCHER: Woo hoo! GILLETTE: Fast racecar!
ARCHER: Woodhouse, what the hell is this? It's a baby shower.
ARCHER: Woodhouse? Damn right.
ARCHER: Woodhouse. What the hell is this?
ARCHER: Wow, what a pussy
ARCHER: Yeah, and what do you even do here, sit on your ass and analyze data?
ARCHER: Yeah, that takes, like, one doll. Not if there's ever a gang ****.
ARCHER: Yeah, you were totally right.
ARCHER: Yes.
ARCHER: Yes. CROUPIER: Banque
ARCHER: Yes. GILLETTE: Why?
ARCHER: You idiot. How could you miss that?
ARCHER: Yup. Stage II breast cancer.
Archer!
Archer!
Archer.
Archer. Hey, so, uh, you busy?
Are we out of Bloody Marys?
Are we square?
Are you here?
Are you kidding?
Are you scared?
Are you sure? You didn't eat them?
Are you walking in there right now?
As a hired gun for the military industrial complex?
As a potential role model, I advocate it.
As far as Archer's concerned...
As thick as possible, while still being swan shape foldable.
As what? Russia's only black woman?
As you can see, I've got wine coolers on my feet...
At 10 percent, by now, I'd say, it's just a bit shy of a million dollars.
At a spy agency?
At least, I have a:
At one time, yes, but I needed a place to sew your suits, you see, so...
Avenge your fallen comrade.
Aw, honey, you're not going anywhere, not when I'm the regional director.
Aw. His little christening gown.
Awesome.
Awesome.
Aww, Goatley.
Aww, Pigley.
Baby, come on, remember who we're dealing with here.
Baby, you're pear shaped.
BACKUS: This is the AmPetCo gas pipeline.
Bagged your share today, Scripes?
Balls. And we might if you two would stop being bitches for five seconds.
Barney.
BARRY [OVER PHONE]: Yeah, probably.
Barry Dillon will be that man.
Barry, does it hurt?
Barry, is that how you get ants?
Barry, wait, slow down.
BARRY: Archer! KATYA: I love you!
BARRY: As the vault is basically one big shit storm of anti intrusion devices.
BARRY: Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB?
BARRY: No, no, no.
BARRY: No, no, not everybody.
BARRY: Oh, for... Jesus. Did you even try?
BARRY: Pitch is out, I can't hold altitude. ARCHER: What?
BARRY: So are we gonna do this or...? No, no, we're not.
BARRY: Under ODIN guard, the sample is taken to the vault of First Savings Bank.
BARRY: Yeah, you wanna know what's really ironic?
Barry?
Bawled so hard they made me leave, never saw the ending
Bear claws. Rowr.
Beat it, Cyril, let the grown ups work. But leave this, I'm starving.
Because ain't nothing in the world can make me talk
Because as sexy as it was shooting at Lana...
Because babies are soft skulled, fat little germ sacks...
Because between the cancer and the chemo...
Because Cyril kidnapped me, duh.
Because dry ice is something crazy, like, negative a hundred degrees.
Because even if somebody did break into the vault...
Because hate to do it to you, but I'm commandeering your vodka.
Because he is desperate for stuff to play with. What are we doing?
Because he totally snuck up on me.
Because I got ripped in a bar last night...
Because I grew up in Braz... Bristol County, Rhode Island
Because I really want you to hear what I have to say.
Because I sure did. Friday night was Cornhole League, then on Saturday...
Because I swear to God, I will strip back down and show you all over again.
Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse.
Because I wangled a call with the studio execs...
Because I want to run a few tests.
Because I was bucking around like a rodeo clown in a barrel.
Because I, too, suffer from sexual addiction.
Because I'll save you some time.
Because I'm just her stupid friend.
Because I'm not too worried about some drum circling, hippie tree hugger.
Because I'm one step ahead of you.
Because I've got tons of ideas...
Because if I recall...
Because in about three drinks...
Because it kills me to say this...
Because it looks like it kind of hurts.
Because most secret agents don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi...
Because of the things that come out of your body.
Because one at a time...
Because Ray is being a total bitch.
Because somebody smells like they ate the ass end out of a northbound cow.
Because the Russians turned me into...
Because the traitor Kasanova knows too much.
Because the worm has transformed the mainframe...
Because this day has come, Mother.
Because this is about to get weird.
Because this man, Sterling Archer...
Because we're all she has now.
Because you said if I was late again, you'd fire me.
Because you will be making the exchange with Lachouffe.
Because you're daddy's dirty, dirty little whore.
Because your mother's cleaned out all the ISIS 401(k) accounts.
Because, just between us gals and the C 130...
Because...
Been a real pleasure doing business with y'all.
Behind about 2 tons of steel and one electronic lock.
BENOIT [IN FRENCH ACCENT]: Your room, madame, is no longer.
Benoit! Balls.
Betrays the agency? And then begs me to save you?
Better than he was before.
Better, stronger, faster.
Between my narrow hips, your fat head, and a city full of enemy spies...
Between this little gal's love taps.
BISHOP: None of my business.
BISHOP: Ow.
BISHOP: Ow. And my first favorite lamp, fantastic.
BISHOP: That's what he said.
Bit of a mess in here.
Blob Marley.
Bloody should be. Almost killed me.
Booyakasha, booyakasha.
BORIS [IN AMERICAN ACCENT]: Barry Dillon, ODIN agent.
Both mentally and spiritually, Brett
BOTH: Hah! Anytime now, Cyril.
BOTH: Oh, shit!
BOTH: What?
BOY ARCHER: Um, hit me? MALORY: Busted.
Brazilian rosewood, straight from the heart of the Amazon jungle.
Brett, for the love of God.
BRETT: Hello? Was that so hard?
BRETT: I will take you up on that.
BRETT: I'm so cold. Brett, get off the phone
BRETT: Yeah, you think? Wha...?
BRETT: You got it? Yes, hang up.
Brett.
Brushing my teeth.
Bu...
Business or pleasure?
But "society" couldn't deal with it.
But 4 million seems pretty steep for...
But all kidding aside, ODIN will be providing security for the paternity test.
But all the mysterious deaths...
But are you sure you'll get the job?
But back in the day...
But back then you just organized peaceful protests.
But come on, Lana.
But don't thank him, it sets a bad precedent.
But don't touch them. Lysergic acid is absorbed through the skin.
But even though it's super dangerous, I'm preventing World War III, so...
But for the enlisted, being chosen to bat for an officer was very desirable.
But how would you like a job?
But I always wondered, what if I had gotten that commercial?
But I bet he knows the capital of Brazil, don't you?
But I could tell your mom was already crushed about the rain check thing...
But I do know a liter of melon balls can't replace a liter of blood...
But I had a reservation.
But I had to tell the party chairman it was part of my master genius plan.
But I just can't even imagine life without my precious Sterling.
But I think we may have a problem.
But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in.
But I'll just bet Nikolai Jakov is so jealous of my, ahem, friendship with Len Trexler...
But I'm giving you this coat, so, uh...
But I'm gonna get my money's worth in...
But I'm not. How can I prove to you?
But I'm on my way to a SexAnon meeting.
But I'm pretty sure ISIS can get you a whole new identity, Cyril.
But I'm sure Cheryl has a good excuse this time.
But I've never been. Here.
But if we could make Trexler fall out of love...
But if you didn't come to kill us, why bring that whacking great Webley?
But it is, you know, a vest.
But it shows there are flaws out there that can be exploited by bad people.
But it turns out the whole thing was nothing but a damn Ponzi scheme.
But it's not yours. You stole it.
But it's over, Lana. Get on with your life, and let me get on with mine.
But let me tell you, boyo...
But look, half the people that work here are field agents...
But maybe she's right.
But no shots center mass. Just try to wing them.
But not Martin, something like Steele, because she's a very strong woman who...
But not much left of the old Double Deuce anymore.
But only if you will promise me one thing.
But Reggie would've wanted you to have it, old boy.
But seriously, I've wanted to tell you this for ages, but I never quite knew how.
But she must still be in the building.
But she's like:
But short answer, yes, she can sell ISIS.
But since I can only assume that Russian mind control chip...
But since I don't and/or do not...
But since I don't have a calculator...
But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.
But that's not fair. Ow!
But the thing is... Woodhouse, answer the damn phone.
But then, why was she taking notes about Krieger's secret project?
But they don't need to turn off the... Darn it, I can fix this.
But they were armed
But they won't be able to catch Bell as he takes the flag and...
But they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open. Are they?
But this technology could forever alter the balance of world power.
But we're, like, keeping the world free for democracy...
But what if I don't?
But why would she pay 4 million bucks for unverified information?
But with Reggie hors de combat, Scripes had become acting commander.
But you are kind of being a bitch.
But you can't do that.
But you don't have a sword.
But you wait.
But you were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in.
But you won't have him to kick around forever...
But you're a famous Hollywood actress for, like, many years.
But, Cyril, I know all about Dr. Krieger's origins.
But, darling, l...
But, hey, speaking of your body and my body and stiffness...
But, my God, Sterling, look at your clothes.
But, sir, you can't leave. Your mother...
But, Sterling, your tumor.
But, surely, a brilliant scientist like you, how is it you are single?
But...
Buy a suit at Bergdorf's, send the bill to my manager.
Buy you a cup of coffee? You know, since you're broke.
Bye, Barry.
CAB DRIVER: Oh, God.
Can also hang.
Can I get the oyster po' boy...
Can I jump in? Kind of curious.
Can we actually create such a thing?
Can you go find some more hurricanes for me?
Can you not rub your dick in my mother's pantyhose? Please.
Can you, uh, go ahead and repeat that?
Can't believe Lana and Mother. No respect for people's privacy, no...
Canada's got casinos, right?
Cannot picture him as a baby. You know?
Cannot picture you as a fighter pilot.
Captain Thistleton knew the risk of what he was doing..
Carefully put them in order.
Carol and Pam and Cyril.
Casablumpkin.
Case in point, huh?
Case in point, Lana. That's...
Caught old Jerry in a chandelle, poor bastard went down like a quail.
Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.
Champagne? George, by the way. George Spelvin.
Check the break room.
Cheers.
Chemo?
Cheryl is insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.
Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but..
Cheryl, I need that money.
CHERYL: Bring it.
CHERYL: Hey, come on. Why don't you call it Magnum, P.U
CHERYL: My ear balls. Don't you people have work to do?
CHERYL: No way. Why not?
CHERYL: Oh, come on. ARCHER: Okay, okay.
CHERYL: Ohh, I think I just did.
CHERYL: Ugh, a rainy day and a Monday.
CHERYL: What? LANA: Archer, no.
CHERYL: With our earballs.
CHERYL: Yes. GILLETTE: Uh, bad parenting?
Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked out of me all day...
Chet Willard, age 16, swimming in the Oak River Canal, killed by an 11 footer.
Chet?
Chinese alligators are smaller, but their bellies are fully armored...
CIA, Ml6, ODIN, all the biggies.
Clapped out Arab whore traded it for a pint. Said it was sterling.
Combine them in a sealed container and you've got yourself...
Come here, fishy, fishy.
Come in, dear. Come in.
Come on, Cyril. What's the matter?
Come on, gals. Pammy Pam is buying.
Come on, get me drunk enough, I might have sex with you.
Come on, I've broken into way tougher places, right?
Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.
Come on, Seamus.
Come on, the boss is waiting. We don't need her.
Come on, they may think I'm a lot of shitty things...
Come on, Trinette, Seamus may not be my son...
Come on.
Commencing the modified Ludovico.
COMPUTER BIRD: What, what? PAM: Ah, jeez. Sorry, that one's on me.
COMPUTER PIRATE Hunch, hunch.
COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch.
COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch.
COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch. COMPUTER BIRD: What, what?
COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch. COMPUTER BIRD: What, what?
COMPUTER: Security system off line.
COMPUTER: Security system restarting in five minutes.
Consider it payback for my shattered femur.
Cool. Ha, ha.
Cor, you done all right, then.
Corpuscular?
Count Snackula?
Couple things.
Cry havoc, and let slip the hogs of war.
Cyril won't drink, so we'll have to find another way to...
Cyril, I don't wanna see you with an empty glass.
Cyril, I got that specially for you...
Cyril, pill up, you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.
Cyril, that thing is huge.
Cyril, we both know you can't do it.
Cyril, you are not to blame, you are merely a victim of sexual addiction.
CYRIL: A million dollars. Fifty million dollars.
CYRIL: All right. ARCHER: Over the sound...
CYRIL: But l... Cyril, just beat it. Krieger is on this.
CYRIL: Channel it, Archer. ARCHER: Cyril!
CYRIL: Could you repeat that, please? WOMAN: Onomatopoeia.
CYRIL: Half a billion?
CYRIL: Huh? What in the world?
CYRIL: I could've done that. CHERYL: Thanks, Noam Chomsky.
CYRIL: I thought you spoke French.
CYRIL: I'm sorry? I said, "Come in here, I need your help."
CYRIL: L... How did you fail him? Was it sports?
CYRIL: Morning, Ms. Archer.
CYRIL: Nice work, Pam. Damn her piggy little eyes.
CYRIL: She what? Oh, man
CYRIL: That's disgusting. Who are you, my cat?
CYRIL: Three thousand, seven hundred dollars.
CYRIL: What are you...?
CYRIL: Yep. Fifty million dollars in real bearer bonds...
CYRIL: You heard me. Fifty million dollars.
Cyril? You dead?
Cyril. Hey, you awake?
Da...
Damn him. I told him no parties.
Damn it, Pam!
Damn it, that is classic him.
Damn it, they're everywhere. There's too many, I can't...
Damn it.
Damn it.
Damn those KGB pigs.
Damn, I had something for this.
Damn, that's over half the cover list.
Damn, what was it? Um...
Darling, don't make me shoot you.
Darling, I swear, it's a fake.
Darling, I told you that I fell in love with you when we first met...
Darling, please, I just want to leave.
Darling, please. Forget the bag.
Dead center. Good work, Barry.
Dear God, that was my entire stash.
Decent chance.
Delaney sells it to...
Depends how much water. We're gonna need to dial it in.
Did he have some sort of character flaw?
Did I just blow your mind? Huh!
Did I mention I have cancer?
Did I say "good"? I meant "fantastic."
Did somebody trick you? Hmm?
Did you ever think about you and me having a baby?
Did you see Regis this morning?
Did you see that? And hear that? What is that? What is that sound?
Did you tr...? Did you try...?
Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.
Do anything fun this weekend?
Do as you like with me, but I won't have a swishy party boy backchat a war hero.
Do not do that.
Do they face west? Can we use the sun to our advantage?
Do we have to distill our pee?
Do you even know where the bearer bonds are?
Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?
Do you feel those? Different circumstances, might feel good.
Do you hear that?
Do you hear this?
Do you know why they're called bearer bonds?
Do you know your son is here in the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?
Do you like him? Because I sure do.
Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?
Do you like to travel?
Do you not understand how reservations work?
Do you not wonder how it is that I know your name?
Do you not?
Do you not?
Do you people even give a shit?
Do you want anything?
Doctor, I have Ms. Archer's results.
Does nobody read X Men?
Does one ring rule them all?
Does someone you love have breast cancer?
Does...? Are you implying my mother gave virgin birth, or what are you...?
Doesn't matter, because worst case scenario...
Dogs of war.
Don't apologize to me, apologize to the Brazilian rosewood.
Don't beat yourself up over this.
Don't blame me, it's those new low flow toilets.
Don't even think I want Jakov to be my father.
Don't have it now, didn't have it when you were a wheezy...
Don't worry, he's a high value asset.
Don't worry, I have actual genius plan to solve Kasanova problem.
Don't worry, nosey parker, you won't...
Don't worry, she won't get far. I'm locking ISIS down, top to bottom.
Don't you see? The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's.
Don't you worry, Ruth. I'm gonna make them pay for it.
Don't.
Down. Ray, put it down, or I swear...
Drive to Saint Pete, grab a latte, then 400 miles to Moscow...
Drop your weapons or she dies.
Dropped, Barry. And how are you not dead?
Duh.
Duh.
Duh.
Duh. Just break into Rona's apartment and put her stupid journal somewhere.
Dump them on the street with those ridiculous light bulbs.
Each man pays in 50 pounds...
Edwin Glue sester..."
Eh ehh! Need an answer.
Eh, I almost got married once. Church, reception, I had it all lined up.
Eh, I shouldn't have started you off with a fully auto.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh.
Eh...
Either and/or both? Where the hell are you?
Either of you, both, whatever.
Enough to admit that even though I wasn't always Mother of the Year...
Escort, you puke. And I'm retired.
Especially Sterling. If he found out I might have breast cancer...
Especially when that officer was Captain Reginald Thistleton.
Even if he is my son, it is too late.
Even if I can barely pay for it.
Even if it's... Oh, I don't know, a criminally insane cyborg.
Even the tip of your finger... Oh.
Every single one of these has to be wiped, reformatted, the whole shmeel.
Everybody, say hello to my friend Chet Manley.
Everything I had was in a hedge fund.
Everything out here either wants to eat me or give me malaria.
Ew.
Ew. What is this, homemade salad dressing?
Exactly. Because I don't even know if that's a real thing.
Exactly. Look how you turned out.
Except for the barn. That's just graham crackers and icing.
Excuse me. Mah...
Fair amount of gastric distress, and, uh, scarf.
Faking my file so that everyone here thinks that I am...
Famine or no, they've got a shitload of money.
Fan...
Feels better than this offer. Len, I need at least 20 percent down.
Fifty grand? No, I mean...
Fifty now, 200 when you bring him back.
Find out what that is and start cooking it
Finding your replacement if you don't watch your tone.
First of all, how are you still even conscious?
First of all, I didn't throw you off anything. I dropped you.
First of all, I'm sure Pam is fine.
First of all, if that's my Chanel suit, I will have your guts for garters.
First of all, we don't even know if Pam is still alive.
First of all, what the shit, Mother? And second of all, too bad...
First of all, you don't have to yell, Lana. I don't have ear cancer.
First of all...
First of all...
First of the month works best for us.
Fish **** in it.
Fitting. And that's why people in this family shouldn't have children.
Five grams of junk says I can shoot a piña colada off your wife's head.
Five thousand measly dollars.
For a list of reasons, at the top of which is Archer.
For God's sake, are you hearing yourself?
For God's sake, Pam. Have you no sense of decency?
For sexual harassment complaints.
For starters, I don't think you wanna say this guy...
For the love of all that's green, take me and Rabbert to the lettuce store.
For two years, yeah. I mean, she was a lesbian, but still...
For what, boyo? We having a picnic?
For which there is no receipt.
For work, Mother.
For you, sir.
Forget those first two darts and just find your center.
Former loan sharking pimp. I'm going legitimate.
Four million dollars gone. Every single account has been wiped out.
Foxley, I think.
Fricking head's pounding, I'm sweating booze...
From there it's all just Orcs and Gollums and Balrogs.
Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar.
Gave him your address. Told the bastard we'd be waiting for him.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
George, why is there money in there?
Get a welder to cut the top off that and, bing, new umbrella stand, huh?
Get it all down in your nooks and crannies. Someone's gotten pretty oily...
Get your bloated carcass in here.
Getting back in the old dating game.
Getting stuck on a boat with you three times.
GILLETTE: "Who?" Nice. Right?
GILLETTE: Double dukes. That's not good.
GILLETTE: Idiot. Stupid, stupid, stupid idiot.
GILLETTE: No. PAM: Yes.
GILLETTE: Not once, not ever, has he volunteered for a dangerous mission.
GILLETTE: Tell me what? For you take it off.
GILLETTE: Well, wait, he is a duke. LANA: No means no.
GILLETTE: What? Heh. Nice.
GILLETTE: Yeah, he's like 1000. LANA: You're not gonna have sex with him.
GILLETTE: You did the right thing, hon. And all it cost me was my dream job.
GIRL: Krieger san.
Give me that. Little Miss Invasion of the Privacy Snatchers.
Glad you can still be snotty while Archer's gambling away your 401(k).
Gloucester fell off the roof mucking about with the aerial.
Go ahead and shoot me.
God damn you all to hell!
God knows we had our differences, but I'm just so glad to see you both.
God, how are you even still alive? Holy shit, how am I still alive?
God, I should definitely get checked. I am so bad about doing the self exam.
God, the one time in my life she acts like a human being, and it's now.
God, what a trip. Barely got back in time for surgery. You should've been there.
Goddamn it, I'm not Che...
Goddamn it, woman, wipe that grin off your pie face.
Goddamn, Woodhouse, are you deaf?
Going green up in here.
Good bedside manner, knows all the parts of the ear.
Good God. You'd think he was half fainting goat.
Good Lord! What did you say?
Good morning. What's the big non me telling secret?
Good times.
Good work there, uh...
Good, get up. You're sitting on the beer.
Good. Because I'm not leaving money on the table.
Goodbye, Archer.
Got me to an OSS safe house, sold the boat...
Gotcha.
GRAY: Destroying his habitat isn't enough? Wha...?
GRAY: I like your new hairdo, by the way.
Gray's an ex Green Beret. He's attacked power plants...
Great, I'll just wait half an hour for a cup of ice to melt.
Great, one second?
Great, that was my second favorite...
Great.
Great. Ahem. One sec.
Great. All you have to do is go down to the police station and confess.
Great. Now he's gonna be moping around...
Great. Tell that to Benoit.
Great. That's just what I need, coming off a blackout drunk.
Guess he'd be half gay, too, though.
Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down.
Guess that Tunisian guy would still be alive.
Gummi bears all around.
Guys, that's two strikes.
Ha ha ha. How do you think I paid for college?
Ha ha ha. Whoo!
Ha ha ha. Yeah, we're the idiots. Says the genius who got a hooker pregnant.
Ha, ha, oh, that was fun. Thank you.
Ha, ha. Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.
Ha, ha. For your... That was pretty good.
Ha, ha. How do you like those pommes?
Ha, ha. Oh, my God, that is amazing!
Ha. And you think that is?
Hallway? Where you wanna knock this out?
Hand jobs, yes.
Hang on a second. Uh...
Hang on, hasty pudding.
Hang on, Peggy, I got another call.
Hang on, this is far from over.
Happens three, four times a year. Right?
Happy?
Hard to believe, that.
Has anyone ever told you you are profoundly self centered?
Have you been going through my desk?
He also saved my life. And yours.
He came to mourn our comrades in arms.
He damn sure didn't give it to me.
He does have a point.
He may be a vain, selfish, lying, and quite possibly alcoholic man whore...
He might have a tiny hangover.
He runs everything here in Brooklyn. Numbers, protection, dope, prostitution.
He said it was in a coconut.
He says, "Ain't it awful about Stilton?" And he wants to come pay us a visit.
He was calling from this floor.
He was German. And this character, Gerald Martin, the CIA director...
He was on his way back from a routine patrol...
He will, if he ever meets the right girl but...
He's gambling away our retirement money.
He's got it tough enough as it is
He's headed for the coast road.
He's killing me.
He's really got a temper.
Heh, heh. Nobody's ever called me sweet before
Heh. Fricking actresses.
Heh. No.
Hell indeed, sir.
Hello, beautiful. Hey, kiddo.
Hello, kitties.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Here, drink this. You're talking crazy.
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags. Oh, and a book about SIDS.
Here, load up. Should be a big box of grenades here somewhere.
Here, Miss, for the baby.
Here, take a look at this. All right, which one of these wires...
Here. God. Baby.
Here's the... Almost fifty thousand. Count it.
Hey back and if you don't mind, we're in the middle of something.
Hey, Benoit, not too thick on either, okay?
Hey, call me if you ever wanna get that drink.
Hey, can you not? Right now?
Hey, gang, I can't wait to welcome each and every one of you into the ODIN family.
Hey, here's a surprise. Hermès.
Hey, hey, hang on. Benoit balls. L...
Hey, hey, now, come on, honey, it's...
Hey, hey, those are your words.
Hey, hey!
Hey, how about we check each other?
Hey, I just dragged this damn boat through a mile of my three biggest fears...
Hey, I just ran all the way to the drugstore a liter low on blood...
Hey, I'm kidding. Baby, come on, will you relax?
Hey, I'm not the one who smashed my eyes into eggplants.
Hey, if it's any consolation, you were right. Oh.
Hey, it's a versatile shoe. Works with a turtleneck, obviously, but...
Hey, just because he was your boyfriend...
Hey, look, Ray, this is fine. Two of us will just have to double up.
Hey, nobody is consenting to anything.
Hey, relax, Hannity.
Hey, shut up and think of a way to make Trexler not want my mother.
Hey, so I'm not totally on board with a full frontal assault on ISIS.
Hey, so, guys, listen...
Hey, stop crying. How do you...?
Hey, thanks for getting us inside, Pam.
Hey, thanks, Captain Obvious.
Hey, thanks, guys. Just tell my mother I pulled a gun on you, all right?
Hey, where's my journal?
Hey, who am I, Kissinger? Broad strokes.
Hey, you know what?
Hey, you two can't smoke in here
Hey. Morning, gang.
Hey. Morning, gang.
Hey. Wait a damn minute. I said I was hungry.
Hi, Sterling Archer, lead negotiator.
Hi. How you doing? Sterling Archer.
Hint, six.
His first pair of lacrosse cleats.
His first smoking jacket.
His name's Gandalf? And he's not a hippie?
Hm, Vincent Van Go **** myself. Survey says...
Hmm. Let me see, to take my prescribed chemotherapy...
Holy shit snacks.
Holy shit snacks.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
Holy shit. The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there.
Hope you kidnap the shit out of her.
How about I slip somebody 100 bucks to throw acid in your face?
How about microwave ovens, Neil Armstrong, hook and loop fasteners?
How about that upper decker I just left in the master bath?
How are we supposed to catch him now?
How come you know Portuguese?
How could I show my face around town if...?
How could they, with this illegal ass window tint?
How could you even say that? That's like me saying I hope you get cancer.
How did you shoot the boat?
How do you like them?
How is that possible?
How long will it take to upload it to the server?
How would you phrase the fact that you crippled me physically and emotionally?
How you doing, buddy?
How? How is this happy playtime?
How? Trust me, you can't control a person's heart
How? You gonna disappoint it to death?
How's it feel to be a murderer?
How's it hanging, buddy?
How's it hanging, buddy?
How's Regional Director for the Americas sound?
How's your...
Huge tax credits from that hippie Democrat Congress...
Huh?
Huh.
Huh. Not really the explosive climax I thought it was gonna be.
Huh. Sort of pictured more of a lounge.
Huh. Thought there'd be an overlap with the Portuguese.
Huh. What about those years you spent...
Huh. Who do Archer think he is? Only guy who want father?
Hunch, hunch.
Hundred people surveyed, number one answer's still on the board.
Hurry, put your hands in the swamp.
Hush, it'll show you've been disavowed by the KGB, and then Mother will...
I actually, uh, have my own.
I always thought that had something to do with the engine.
I am getting off. I love this.
I am literally wet with jealousy.
I am not a double agent.
I am not sharing a room with you.
I am the target.
I assume she's safe at ISIS...
I assume she's safe at ISIS...
I assume that smell is cabbage and not just you two.
I beat cancer, everybody!
I bet I could kill that pesky old worm.
I bet it smells like weed and rampage.
I bet Mother was hitting star again.
I bet people come from miles around just to have their picture taken in those.
I bet you get chilly at night, all alone in that great big castle.
I bet you probably eat veal.
I bet you spent 10 times that on your new conference table.
I call it the Sterling Archer Triple A Power Play.
I can barely get a comb through this.
I can do 5000.
I can do baby, or I can do geezer murder mystery...
I can't even say it without saying "balls." Say your name.
I can't have this getting blabbed all over the agency, but...
I can't hear you...
I can't hold it, she's breaking up.
I can't see, you fool! Get off!
I can't understand a word of this.
I cannot help him.
I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
I could've crushed that. Come on, let me help. What you got?
I couldn't bear the shame it would bring on this family to have...
I cut the cord, and I've been with your family ever since.
I design computer security systems.
I did not.
I did your cancer surgery like two hours ago?
I didn't have a sip of water the entire time I was down there.
I didn't have breakfast.
I didn't kidnap myself. He did.
I do seem to recall an awful lot of loose doorknobs.
I do. Ha, I do, I do, I do.
I don't care if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party.
I don't even understand why we have a car battery!
I don't have breast cancer.
I don't have it, dum dum.
I don't have to answer that. Who do you...?
I don't know about Pam, and I know even less about ocelots...
I don't know if it's the blood loss or what, but this whole thing feels...
I don't know what mother is so mad about. God, Pam, would you hurry up.
I don't know why I told you where. It doesn't matter.
I don't know why you're so pissed off. Technically, that money was mine.
I don't know, Krieger, maybe it's because I'm a badass...
I don't know, sir. Scripes was the toughest man in the squadron.
I don't know, sometimes I think, you know, I'd like to adopt a little baby.
I don't know.
I don't know. Were we super bitchy to Cyril?
I don't know. Were we super bitchy to Cyril?
I don't like this. No, no, no.
I don't need you for content, just for plot structure.
I don't see a downside to that, Archer wise.
I don't think room service is coming.
I don't think you need to worry about Archer getting married.
I don't wanna hurt you, ladies.
I don't want a beer, Archer, I want water.
I don't...
I got a guy.
I got a window opening up... There's another one.
I got it!
I got some mid range Scotch for you, you nut.
I got this. Franny Delaney.
I had a really bad experience one time.
I had almost 200 grand in there, you... Oh, okay, that is it.
I had just gotten him to sleep. Don't you know anything about babies?
I hate it. I look like a whore.
I have breast cancer
I have no more love to give today.
I have to take a rain check on that drink. I'm on call this weekend.
I hereby cede any and all rights...
I hope an alligator attacks you at the exact moment you have a brain aneurysm.
I hope it doesn't.
I hope that doesn't sound racist.
I just see an adult him, but tiny.
I just this second realized why you do macramé instead of knitting.
I just thought you were... Well, slave's not the right word, but, really?
I just wanna look at him.
I knew I forgot to mention something, and it was this.
I know and, oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I know I'm switching from perc to D5.
I know it just kills you that I'm in love with Katya...
I know it's killing you that she's leaving you for another man.
I know what sucrose is, idiot. But there's medicine in there too, right?
I know you better than your mother.
I know you have been sleeping with that mudak, Len Trexler.
I know you're having a disturbingly hard time with this...
I know you're not supposed to have them on a greasy bar. In Tangiers.
I know, but now in mid rampage? You really think that's a good idea?
I know, right?
I know! What, doctor?
I know. I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...
I know. So how about don't break any more stuff in my new office?
I live with my niece...
I looked everywhere for that.
I lost all my money, I'm ruined
I may have massaged that number a little so...
I may have massaged that number a little so...
I mean, even for her, this is over the line. She's gonna wish I was never born.
I mean, how'd you even get this thing...?
I mean, I know it's hard to put a dollar value on a human life...
I mean, I was, but I saw you with this idiot yelling on the plane about working for ISIS.
I mean, I'm just acting, but your work is so... So vital.
I mean, my God, Cheryl's worth half a billion.
I mean, not since...
I mean, only two, three guys could play that.
I mean, printers.
I mean, see?
I mean, she did move in with me but...
I mean, the kid's cool, and I'm obviously awesome.
I mean, unless you wanna chop off my fingertips and slice out my retinas.
I mean... Well, maybe that one time, when we had that little scare.
I meant the first phone call.
I need that $3700 back.
I play a spy accused of being a double agent...
I really hope you bring..
I said don't take the bridge, dickhead.
I said, I had your mother for three days at Dûc Quay.
I said, I had your mother for three days at Dûc Quay.
I said, thank God for small miracles.
I saw it, but I was like, "Eh..."
I say, I'm dreadfully sorry about that, old boy.
I say, that's damned decent of you.
I seriously might, though.
I shall fetch my gear.
I should be teaching Rona Thorne how to be a secret agent, not Lana.
I should go with her.
I snuck into the mainframe last night, after all the champagne and the...
I spent last night in the Tombs getting worked over by the cops.
I still have one in the chamber, and it's got your name on it, missy.
I supply the mimosas and bagels and lox...
I swear to God I'm blind.
I swear, I'm just a Finnish skydiving enthusiast who...
I swear, if anyone saw me in this awful van...
I swear. I learned a huge valuable lesson that I will remember for the rest of my life.
I think Archer wanted this mission so he could cross into Russia...
I think I would like it very much indeed, ma'am.
I think not.
I think the twins are warming up to me.
I think.
I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. I only had 10 beers.
I thought I'd be dead long before this day ever came.
I thought I'd shoot you in the face, smuggle you out in a coffin.
I thought it was a smoke grenade.
I thought it would hurt.
I thought Krieger was a German name.
I thought they brought you chicken toes or something.
I thought they were breath strips.
I told Krieger about my headaches. He gives me a CAT scan, then boom.
I told them Pam was me.
I told you lives were at risk. Now behold the horror you have wrought.
I told you when l...
I used to have to book her weeks in advance.
I wanna see how many pool balls you can fit in your mouth.
I want every last one of those low flow toilets out.
I want her desk cleaned out and a new secretary by lunch.
I want Krieger to x ray that tiny brain of yours...
I want my luggage up here in three minutes.
I want to see this Bionic Barry.
I was all conference lacrosse.
I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm.
I was just checking to see if it's still doing it.
I was on my way to a callback for a TV commercial...
I was up for a while, then down, then up for a really long time, but then...
I was, uh, asking if this was the, uh, Finnish skydiving club.
I went to grad school on the G.I. Bill.
I will come back to you, because even if you do have one left...
I wish I'd let Archer take this one.
I would have.
I would've been here sooner, but you stole my boat.
I wouldn't think.
I, on the other hand, am qualified...
I'd forgotten all about that rubbish tontine.
I'd written him a letter, you see, so I was waiting out on the field.
I'll clean him up, try to get some coffee in him.
I'll do it on one condition.
I'll eat hers if she doesn't, uh, have teeth.
I'll get dry ice in the rest of the bottles, you be ready with the water...
I'll go to the drugstore and get supplies.
I'll just have lgor bring a villager up to my castle.
I'll keep feeling this incredibly vibrant and alive?
I'll know for sure after I get the results of her diagnostic exam...
I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pigboy.
I'll see you around, Cyril.
I'll show you my stones, sir.
I'll tell you what I'm not doing...
I'll tell you what's shitty. Somebody's breath around here.
I'm coming for you, sir.
I'm commandeering this airboat.
I'm going to sell it.
I'm gonna assume you know the difference...
I'm good.
I'm just a sick old man in a wheelchair.
I'm just assuming you don't know what goes on here.
I'm kind of passionate embraced out right now after the tub snorkeling.
I'm leaving. Go nuts. Hang a bunch of Georgia O'Keeffe posters.
I'm not an idiot, Woodhouse
I'm not gonna blow the...
I'm not radical. Well, I mean not anymore.
I'm not ready to be a grandmother.
I'm not. But, Woodhouse, I need my...
I'm pretty sure it has windows.
I'm riddled with cancer, Woodhouse, and you wanna take a vacation?
I'm scared if I stop all at once...
I'm selling ISIS equipment until I get every damn cent of my 401(k) back.
I'm selling ISIS.
I'm serious, Archer, if you don't slow down...
I'm serious, Woodhouse, either find that bag or a Magic Marker...
I'm serious. You showed me how important family is.
I'm sorry I had to do that, darling. Please don't hate me.
I'm sorry if I haven't always been, uh, you know...
I'm sorry if I've been a bit selfish about your breast cancer.
I'm sorry, darling.
I'm sorry, darling. I had no idea you were a gay.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Mawp. But I'm under a lot of stress.
I'm sorry, I thought it was garbage.
I'm sorry, Lana, did I mention I have cancer?
I'm sorry, Malory.
I'm sorry, okay? And I promise, I'll never do anything like that again.
I'm sorry, was that racist? I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Archer.
I'm sorry. What was that?
I'm still unclear on the liter thing.
I'm supposed to be meeting Malory Archer, so...
I'm sure I don't care for your tone.
I'm sure the board at the Met will frown on this.
I'm sure they're treating him just fine.
I'm sure you did, but Woodhouse is about to be murdered, so...
I'm sure you do.
I'm sure you do. But our client has concerns about the integrity of the test results...
I'm talking about this, the script for Disavowed.
I've been giving that a lot of thought. I'm sure... Mother, feel free to chime in here.
I've got two perforated eardrums and I guess I've just been...
I've never been this turned on in my entire life.
I've never seen an ocelot.
Idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots.
Idiots. Lana, follow me.
If and when I am ready for a grandchild...
If he is not my biologic son, I will put, personally, a bullet in his brain.
If he's not being held there, go to St. Petersburg...
If I can bring even one tenth of your strength...
If I cared about what you do on the weekend...
If I don't get something to eat, I'm literally going to die.
If I knew and/or cared who and/or what that was.
If I tell you all at once your head might explode.
If I wanted to look at your bare feet...
If ISIS thinks you are double agent we can't stay here.
If it came up.
If it's not too much trouble I'd like to know if I have cancer.
If it's that easy on an XL 9 network like the one at ISIS...
If one red cent of that money is missing...
If they can't get it or if it spreads to my lymph nodes, they'll do chemo...
If we don't get my 401(k) back, you won't live long enough to regret you were born.
If you come out to the living room, I have a surprise for you.
If you don't answer my questions. Number one.
If you don't find that bag...
If you don't mind, I have to stop KGB snipers...
If you say "MILF" one more time, I will shoot you in your eyeballs.
If you sit quietly, the poison should wear off in, like, four hours.
If you use that money to buy a time machine...
If you will please to follow me to le suite royale...
If you're into power, let's go down to my van...
In bearer bonds, whatever those are.
In charge of keeping his kit in good order, seeing to his personal needs...
In fact, ODIN plans to promote...
In the gear bags.
In the sink?
Inappropriate.
Infamously few of words, I guess.
Is anybody hit?
Is basically just a great big asbestos lawsuit waiting to happen.
Is he always gonna be like this now? Because I feel bad.
Is nobody gonna touch that? Seriously?
Is our adult relationship perfect? No.
Is that what you've been giving me?
Is that why you didn't even bother to see me off to surgery?
Is that why you're being such a bitch?
Is Trexler buying ISIS just to get your mother to marry him?
Is why party chairman kept doing this. I hope.
It could take hours for this thing to bypass the electronic lock.
It did hurt. And it still does, so...
It is exactly fair. You made a choice.
It is, and while we're on the subject..
It means, best case scenario, you have no idea who your father is.
It took all weekend, but I finally got that payroll glitch sorted out.
It was bad enough when I was only worth 50 million.
It was gonna be a ham cozy, but then I was like, eh.
It was his stupid pair of scissors.
It was obviously put in my brain in the first place...
It was two weeks in Phuket, anything goes over there.
It wasn't a conversation, Lana. I was just talking to my gun, not with it.
It wasn't all that long ago that everybody hated the Irish...
It's a calfskin Hermès grip...
It's a catch 22.
It's a pipe inspection gauge for cleaning the pipeline.
It's a working title. Idiots.
It's amazing, like, kung fu monks make this 50 foot tape.
It's bad enough Lachouffe made us schlep all the way to Monaco...
It's been an extremely volatile year.
It's contagious?
It's crocodiles, okay.
It's filthy enough as it is.
It's free form, you come up with a lot of ideas.
It's full of counterfeit bearer bonds.
It's just I'm not super big on heights.
It's just like when the farm flooded in real life.
It's kind of weird opening up like this, huh?
It's like it's made out of Wolverine's bones.
It's like Meowschwitz in there.
It's like we've got each other's backs. Heh heh heh.
It's not a competition, Pam.
It's not the first time I bashed his head in and had to cover my tracks.
It's not... Cyril, can you explain compound interest to her?
It's okay, I forgot to measure it.
It's okay, it was just cancer sex.
It's pound, pound, six, pound, five, two.
It's probably not the best birthday present for a diabetic, but...
It's probably not. Seriously, what's the odds on that?
It's Providence.
It's Reggie's. I stole it from his effects.
It's right here, Ray.
It's so thick my barber charges me double. I love my hair.
It's spring loaded. Which reminds me...
It's super bad for you.
It's sweet and sour, dumbass.
It's tetrodotoxin from the fugu fish.
It's the only section above ground, so if Gray wants to attack our pipeline...
It's Tunt.
It's way too big for that.
It's way too complicated to explain, especially to you two.
JAKOV: So you fake Kasanova's file, those fools at ISIS hack into it...
JAKOV: You backstabbing, two timing harlot.
Jammed up under a log.
Jealous of what? Being scared of kidnappers for the rest of my life?
Jeez, Archer, what's got your mom so worked up?
Jeez, sorry.
Jeezy Petes.
Jesus, how many Irish gangs are there?
Josh was my Environmental Policy TA when I was in college.
Judging from the decor...
Just doing some deep knee bends.
Just doing what I gotta do.
Just film the confessions, Lana, don't editorialize.
Just for jacking it on the telephone, which we've established is what I was doing.
Just for once, I want you to tell me the truth
Just get Lana in the mainframe. I'll take care of Trexler.
Just her weapons.
Just him, though. Right?
Just how drunk are you?
Just in the U.S., I can't find any information on attacks in China.
Just jacking it. On the telephone.
Just like Cyril Figgis always does everything wrong, is that what you mean?
Just like every other choice every other human being has ever made...
Just like I bet every one of your boyfriends has, all the way back to...
Just look out the window?
Just must be out of carburetor.
Just that one.
Just the squadron,
Just try to keep a low profile.
Just us, Krieger. Really just, you know, the core group.
Just what a double agent would say.
Katya Kazanova.
Katya, baby, you in there?
Katya, I swear, I've never been more sure about anything.
Katya, on your knees, hands behind your head and toss out that weapon.
Katya, this is actually my mother.
Katya, we're the two best secret agents in the world.
KATYA: Dr. Krieger, this is amazing. KRIEGER: I don't know about all that.
KATYA: Not when I was finished.
KATYA: Oh, thank you so much for coming.
KATYA: Oh, you silly man, who do you think?
Katya's not trying to con me into marriage.
Keep those hands up. Pam, you okay?
Keiko chan, katana.
Kelp tape. Oh, and, Lana, promise me you'll try it, especially after this.
Kidnapped.
KIDNAPPER BOSS [OVER COMPUTER]: About five seconds away...
KIDNAPPER BOSS [VOICE DISTORTED]: Your worst nightmare.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Hey, what's it gonna be?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: I'll trade you. For Cheryl Tunt.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Jesus, would you hurry up?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: Well, how much is this one worth?
KIDNAPPER BOSS: You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt.
KIDNAPPER BOSS: You're stalling so you can trace the call.
Kidnappers, line one.
Kill them.
Kind of wishing I'd taken my training more seriously now.
Kolchenko, the new Soviet premier, is scheduled to give a speech at the UN...
Krieger can't even beat it. Krieger, whose virtual girlfriend is so real...
Krieger san, you promised.
Krieger, we don't have much time. Can you stop the worm or not?
Krieger, what the hell are you doing?
KRIEGER: And here we are.
KRIEGER: Don't.
KRIEGER: Fine.
KRIEGER: Leave me alone. I am not a Nazi.
KRIEGER: So there's your breast cancer tumor, and the portacath...
KRIEGER: Ugh.
KRIEGER: Yeah.
KRIEGER: Yes, he is. Let's do this!
Krieger? Krieger?
Krieger's father was a Nazi scientist
Kroshka, he kill two military police.
L...
L... I don't even know how to respond.
L... Oh, was that not rhetorical?
L... Who?
L... Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
L... You have a shoemaker?
LANA [OVER PHONE]: My what? Tell her I said hey.
Lana, hey, I know you probably think it was just because I was drunk...
Lana, let her have this one.
Lana, maybe we can grab dinner, see some Dixieland jazz?
Lana, please, this is perfect for my role.
Lana, shoot her. That is an order.
Lana, so here's the thing...
Lana, sorry, give me one second.
Lana, we're in crisis mode. Mother's trying to sell us to ODIN.
Lana, you're in the isolation booth.
LANA: ...we'll take out his bodyguards.
LANA: And right next door, is that...? CHERYL: Yes
LANA: Archer, look out.
LANA: Archer.
LANA: Archer.
LANA: Archer. Hm?
LANA: Archer. Okay, so, the po' boy, the... Hello?
LANA: Archer. What? Oh.
LANA: Because I don't want it in my car.
LANA: But judging from the way Sir Duke was eye banging the waiters...
LANA: But... Okay, thank you.
LANA: Come on. PAM: Really?
LANA: Damn it, the worm has got the list.
LANA: Hah! Why doesn't everybody come in here?
LANA: Hippies aren't the only people who care.
LANA: How could he not? He's Cyril.
LANA: Huh? But if you struggle, your heart could...
LANA: No, but my ENT doctor is.
LANA: Oh, come on. CHERYL: Seriously?
LANA: Oh, damn it, we're never gonna find Benoit
LANA: Oh, my God, are you serious?
LANA: Oh, shit. Good God, woman.
LANA: Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Yeah.
LANA: Oh, you are shitting me.
LANA: Oh! CYRIL: Oh, God.
LANA: Oh. No thanks to you, Queen Audrey.
LANA: Okay, so day two of the chemo fueled rampage...
LANA: Pam, get off Cyril.
LANA: So guess that's it for Lachouffe and Benoit.
LANA: So, obviously, he can't give you...
LANA: Sorry. ARCHER: Whoo!
LANA: The minute this interferes...
LANA: The worm is decrypting the agent list.
LANA: This is not at all great.
LANA: Uh huh. Which we're still negotiating, but...
LANA: Uh, uh...
LANA: Um... Can you take him home?
LANA: Wait, what? Uh, nothing, no big deal.
LANA: Well, if you like the collar, you're gonna love the cuffs.
LANA: What are you, hourly? Thanks to me...
LANA: What? Nothing. Shut up.
LANA: What? Yeah, what?
LANA: When Lachouffe realizes we don't have $4 million in bearer bonds...
LANA: Would you please... Buh buh buh buh!
LANA: You should have ear protection.
Lana.
Lana.
Lana. Lana, what if I don't?
Lana. Lana!
Let me finish.
Let me see cock flavored spit.
Let's liven things up, Burroughs.
Let's see what we have in a semiautomatic.
Let's take a walk
Let's, uh, put a pin in that promotion.
Like a huge, sweatery Lindbergh baby. So it's really Pam's fault I'm late.
Like Amos and Andy were white, a white guy played Charlie Chan.
Like an idiot.
Like an SSP racer.
Like Dracula? That was bad. Come back to me, I can do better.
Like I bet your genitals are the same distance from the ground.
Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet. Stupid thing's electric.
Like taking the elevator.
Like, I happen to care. A lot.
Liked him better when he had cancer.
Listen, if you're not busy after, we should grab a drink or... What?
Lives of what, a few lab rats?
Long story, kind of boring...
Look alive, gang. I think Archer's gonna try to torpedo this deal...
Look at me, chopping ice for a Tom Collins like a field hand.
Look at me, I am so inspired by you.
Look at me. You are going to beat cancer.
Look at that, his little baby shoes.
Look at your pores, then tell me you're using them.
Look, I just wanted to show everybody I could perform under pressure.
Look, I took this call as a courtesy to Rona, okay?
Look, Lana, I feel bad enough as it is.
Look, no offense, but standing in line for beets and toilet paper...
Look, this is kind of an emergency. Can't we work something out?
Look, this sale's gonna happen.
Looking for the douchebag who's...
Looking your way, Brett.
Looks like he's back to his old self.
Lose? Hang on. That was...
Lumpectomy. I go in for surgery next week and they'll try to cut it all out.
Madame, the only way you will have this suite is over my lifeless corpse.
MALORY [OVER INTERCOM]: Nothing's an accident.
Malory, if there's anything we can do, you just say the word.
MALORY: Alcohol?
MALORY: Called it. I fell in love with you long ago.
MALORY: Can't play cards, can't drink. BOY ARCHER: Unh, unh, unh.
MALORY: Cyril, go do whatever it is you do. But...
MALORY: Don't shoot!
MALORY: Every single one.
MALORY: Good God. Yeah.
MALORY: Happy? Yeah, except for my gun's all soapy.
MALORY: He did what?
MALORY: Hello, Leonard.
MALORY: Huh? B, sometimes I work late...
MALORY: I beg your pardon?
MALORY: I mean, was I there for every single recital and lacrosse game? No.
MALORY: Lana, Lana, the kidnapper.
MALORY: Nope. ARCHER: Yes.
MALORY: Oh, for the love of...
MALORY: Oh, for the...
MALORY: Oh, take me, Cassius. CYRIL: Mm.
MALORY: Oh, that is just classic him.
MALORY: Oh, yes. Take me. CYRIL: Mm, mm.
MALORY: Pam, I swear to God!
MALORY: Pam. Do you not know what "disease" means?
MALORY: Shoot her. Wha...?
MALORY: Shut up. Shut up.
MALORY: Sterling Malory Archer. And there goes my erection.
MALORY: Sterling, dear.
MALORY: Sterling! You quit being such a baby, you prick.
MALORY: Sterling.
MALORY: Wait, l... Nikolai?
MALORY: Well? Well what? Cyril was just...
MALORY: Well... And you helped, Mother. I know that.
MALORY: What the hell is going on in here?
MALORY: What? And I don't like you.
MALORY: What? Hey, whoa, Pam.
MALORY: What? Yeah. So listen, uh...
MALORY: Why?
MALORY: You're kidding. ARCHER: Ha, ha.
MAN [ON RINGTONE]: Black ass mama
MAN [VOICE DISTORTED]: I said I'll kill the Tunt woman...
MAN 2: Just get her in the damn van.
MAN 3: She's crazy fricking strong.
Man, I sh... I shouldn't be drinking this low on blood.
Man, you have got a problem.
MAN: And so thank you both for coming...
MAN: And what brings you to New York, Mr. Berg?
MAN: Anybody doing a Mandingo sequel? When can you get me a treatment?
MAN: Oh, I'm sorry.
MAN: Sorry! GILLETTE: Case in point.
MAN: There's one. Get her. Go, go, go!
MAN: With friends like that, eh? Huh?
MARSHAL: Gun! Gun! Wha...?
Mawp...
Mawp... Mawp...
Maybe 800,000?
Maybe you'll get lucky and find some Wetnaps.
Maybe you're turning into people.
Mazatlán, Maui, maybe even a small wedding on the beach in Tahiti
Me too, Krieger. He's called a pharmacist.
Me too, Mother.
Me too. It was my fifth best feature.
Me too. Me, and you, and...
Me? Hey, I'm not the one who was handing out blowjobs like puffy stickers.
Me? What about you?
Me? Why me?
Me. That's the whole point.
Medicine cabinet, Cyril. Top left. Big bottle of coconut suntan oil.
Mikey, you gotta listen to me.
Mind control? Why does he think that?
Mine! Take the suits to my tailor and the shoes to my shoemaker.
Mm hm.
Mm hm.
Mm hm.
Mm, according to these notes from my doctor, a radiologist...
Mm, could, um, this person be from outside the agency?
Mm, Sterling Archer. The world's most dangerous spy.
Mm. Cock flavored spit.
Money's on the dresser.
Monsieur desires more champagne, steak frites...
Monsieur, the minimum c'est deux.
Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
More like bullet in my brain.
More like Lemon Party chairman.
More reason for you to get on board with my new plan.
Morphine? Damn it, I don't need...
Mortified. I beg your forgiveness.
Mortified. I beg your forgiveness.
Most decorated aerodrome...
Mother, no.
Mother, she saved my life. She's not a...
Mother, tell me this is a joke.
Mother, this is all just a huge misunderstanding.
Mother, you're in a limousine.
Mother, you've been lying to me my entire life.
Mother? Is this...? Do you...?
Mother.
Mother's the one who stole our retirement money.
Mr. Archer said Woodhouse might make a million bucks off of his.
My 15th birthday, you were at the compound.
My acting career... Shut up.
My bellhops have been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.
My cherry blossoms are wilting.
My collar.
My diary is by the Barbie playhouse and the key's in a locket on Mr. Teddy.
My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
My fam...
My God, he was calling from this floor.
My God, how is there not one picture of us together?
My God, I haven't seen this junk in...
My God, Krieger, why not just give her the project on a floppy disk?
My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles.
My poor baby boy.
My record's three.
My stupid ocelot.
My systems can't be hacked, so now I can't convince anyone to upgrade...
My tone? Watch your tone. Don't speak to me like I'm some...
My vacation starts today, sir.
My... Get out.
Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Neighbors, that's it. We'll go to Canada and work for the...
Next thing I know, he shoots me full of some kind of fish paralyzer.
Nice plan, Lana.
Nigel Buxton, mysterious circumstances.
Nikolai, don't you see?
Nikolai, please, l...
Nippletown.
No heroics, you two. It's just Pam.
No matter who's hunting us.
No one is to speak of this ever, and especially not to...
No sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
No shit
No shit, Spelvin.
No telling what those idiots might do..
No view, but it's got two queens.
No wonder your mother's such a bitch
No words. My words have failed me.
No, Barry. I was implying that...
No, but are you familiar with the term "compound interest"?
No, but I bet you're gonna tell us.
No, dickbrain. Your mother's paying me to rescue you.
No, don't engage him.
No, don't thank me, thank the baby.
No, don't. Hey, come on, don't...
No, he's definitely wounded.
No, hey, hey, hey. Don't shoot, don't shoot. I give up, totally give up.
No, I didn't. L... l...
No, I get it. I get it.
No, I just wanted...
No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel.
No, I've been up here the whole time having some phone sex.
No, it's beautiful, it's...
No, it's fine, Mother, whatever. Hey, how you doing? I beat cancer.
No, Katya, don't you see? That's exactly what Mother wants.
No, Katya, wait. Katya!
No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
No, never mind. You'll find out soon enough as it is.
No, no, by all means, let me do this, Lana.
No, no, no
No, no, no
No, no, no, don't give him a...
No, no, no, hang on. Don't...
No, no, no, please. Archer, your boots are slipping, man.
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no. It's nothing sinister.
No, no, no. Woodhouse, I can either do... God, you are such a little brat. Here!
No, no, not that.
No, no. Before.
No, not really.
No, not sports. Look at you, shoulders like a trout.
No, please, Mother, finish that thought.
No, shut up. We go in, drop the journal and get out. No snooping.
No, Stilton was always quite keen on that. Remember?
No, thank me tomorrow.
No, thanks. I promised Katya I'd quit drinking.
No, that.
No, the swamp's too dirty, it's full of...
No, this is all one solid piece.
No, trouble is what the IRS will do to me if I don't pay back that loan.
No, trust me, I am very interested.
No, wait, Katya, no.
No, we all have to pitch in to make ISIS green.
No, we're not.
No, what's lame is that you told me a jillion times you never wanted kids.
No, yes, I could...
No, you don't see that every day
No, you tit. The only thing I hear is...
No, you're not. All this equipment is for field operatives only.
No, you're not. Don't reload. Damn it.
No!
No!
No? Nothing?
No? Oh, you're more of a lace up crowd, huh?
No? Well, do you know that I fell in love the moment I saw you?
No.
No.
No. A little too gay, but...
No. And I know it's not my business, but I think you might have a problem.
No. But I asked for the time off a year ago...
No. Give me that.
No. I don't have a mother. And if I did, I'd hate her.
No. I mean, the first part worked.
No. I want you to get out.
No. It means this $80 pill is 100 percent sucrose.
No. Just you.
No. Nikolai, please, do something.
No. No, I'm not, Mother.
No. No, it's gone.
No. Thank you, but I don't care for any.
No. Wait, then I don't get the money, idiot.
No. Well, except Randy Muckler...
No. Yes.
Nobody... I'm... We're not... I'm not arguing that we're both hot, but...
None of my business. Consenting adults and so on.
None of those would have been possible...
Nope, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer is on the board.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Normally I wouldn't let an intern do this on his first day, but...
Not a big deal, they're everywhere.
Not a handsome blond cripple like me.
Not anymore.
Not Archer.
Not for long, huh?
Not from this. It's just a cute little pirate.
Not great.
Not if I can't take out the KGB sniper team who God knows where they are.
Not in a good way.
Not just yet. Because I lied.
Not me, but, you know, somebody would. So how many of you old geezers are left?
Not me. I wasn't shooting.
Not rattling, Krieger stapled it.
Not really my legerdemain.
Not swamp water, you ass. Bottled.
Not that, crybaby. This. The door's locked...
Not that, dick. Your whole outlook. All this positivity and whatever.
Not the phone sex operator you're totally lying about, Cheryl.
Not these towels, some thicker ones.
Not too soon for good news, I hope.
Not very green.
Not without my turtleneck, but still...
Not yours, shitbrain. His.
Nothing is going on.
Nothing soon, if people like you keep destroying the environment.
Nothing. Hundred to one he's mine.
Nothing. It can happen anywhere at any time, that's why it's terrifying.
Nothing. Well, apart from a small consideration from the studio.
Now beat it, ladies. I'm on a mission.
Now both my dogs is dead.
Now I believe there was some mention of a ransom?
Now I'm confused...
Now if you will excusez moi...
Now it's gonna be, like, 10 times worse and...
Now screw already. I've got kidnappers to worry about.
Now shut up and kick in the door for me.
Now shut up and read me the paper.
Now shut up while I go confront my putative father.
Now shut up.
Now some guys in some country I've never been to...
Now we're even, Lana, from the time you did that to me.
Now what am I gonna spread on my toast?
Now, get the **** out of my cleaners.
Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom so we can drain his stupid blood.
Now, if you will all excuse me again...
Now, if you will excuse moi, I must go and find fresh towels and a whore.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm right in the middle of a fairly huge deal.
Now, is that bulletproof or what?
Now, we've obviously been the victims of identity thieves.
Now, where's this pig launcher thing?
Now, where's your cancer patient killing boss?
Nuh uh. You don't wanna be anywhere near a window.
Nut sack.
Nut sack.
O N O...
Obviously, a dye pack is a deal breaker.
Obviously, I did that.
Of course I can.
Of course I did not plan the traitor Kasanova's defection.
Of course it's still doing it!
Oh, a few minutes more.
Oh, actually, yeah, good idea. Let's hang back a sec and burn one down.
Oh, and 200 grand in cash.
Oh, and also some very bad news.
Oh, and also, hopefully, shitloads of vodka. Woo hoo!
Oh, and by the way, super crazy about the elevator pretending it's a dryer.
Oh, and here's to child support.
Oh, and I just love your hair.
Oh, and please read The Unleashing Of Me.
Oh, and smoothies and, uh...
Oh, and speaking of, wish me luck on my directing career...
Oh, and that wet clingy shirt she wears the whole time?
Oh, and this. So I ain't worried about getting by.
Oh, booyakasha!
Oh, come on, are you kidding me?
Oh, come on, buddy. You want a drink?
Oh, come on, I haven't seen your faces.
Oh, come on, I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...
Oh, come on, it's not like you need the money.
Oh, come on, lads, show some stones.
Oh, come on.
Oh, come on. Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?
Oh, damn it.
Oh, damn it. Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.
Oh, don't worry.
Oh, evening, sir. Hello, mum.
Oh, for ****'s sake, Krieger. You're about to do brain surgery.
Oh, for God's sakes, Lana, have some pride once in your life.
Oh, for the love of...
Oh, for... Why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes?
Oh, fun. I never get to tell this.
Oh, God, no
Oh, God, no. But just do reverse cowgirl because that carpet is seriously heinous.
Oh, God, someone has to go rescue my son...
Oh, God!
Oh, good, because your opinion matters.
Oh, he'll hate that. I wanna come.
Oh, he's an idiot and a shit bird.
Oh, honey, totally, yes. I mean, I do have to sleep with Barry, but..
Oh, I can't breathe.
Oh, I know you two have had your differences in the past.
Oh, I like the way that sounds.
Oh, I think it's your sweetness.
Oh, I think so.
Oh, I thought we were putting all our eggs in the battery shutdown basket.
Oh, I thought you were being sarcastic.
Oh, I'll just yank his pants off...
Oh, I'm sorry, ex fiancée. That's what I meant to say.
Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter...
Oh, it's a great start to the qualifying heats...
Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, it's just great.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, Krieger san.
Oh, Krieger.
Oh, like you're Mr. Monogamous.
Oh, listen to you, Mr. Melon Balls.
Oh, maybe if we had an infinite amount of time. And she were someone else.
Oh, maybe.
Oh, my God, and the money?
Oh, my God, Barry, l... Holy shit. Barry?
Oh, my God, he's going to kill him.
Oh, my God, he's gonna be murdered. I gotta go save him.
Oh, my God, I can see my penthouse.
Oh, my God, I know, but the lengths they go to, look at me, you have no idea.
Oh, my God, I won't be famous anymore.
Oh, my God, I'm such a chicken.
Oh, my God, is Len Trexler behind this?
Oh, my God, it was you.
Oh, my God, listen, I'm gonna clear up this Vegas thing.
Oh, my God, seriously, I'm sorry. I think I need help or something
Oh, my God, that river was so cold.
Oh, my God, this is like taking candy from a candy hating baby.
Oh, my God, totally. Yes.
Oh, my God, what about Pam?
Oh, my God, yes, but your place is disgusting so where can we have it?
Oh, my God, you're like the epitome of an empowered woman.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Heh, heh. Uh...
Oh, my God. How much cancer was in him?
Oh, my God. It's going to be amazing.
Oh, my God. Oh!
Oh, my God. Okay.
Oh, my parents were murdered.
Oh, my... You're getting off on this.
Oh, nearly 1200 pounds.
Oh, no, no, remaining.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, the flat belongs to Mr. Archer, who is my...
Oh, now, you're gonna be fine.
Oh, okay, relax. It's okay, we're...
Oh, okay. Then go ahead, Cyril. Shoot.
Oh, please, he couldn't fix dinner.
Oh, please, it takes more than some 3.2...
Oh, pleasure. Definitely pleasure.
Oh, really?
Oh, right, I forgot he has an arrow sticking out of his head.
Oh, right, listen, I'm kind of celebrating right now, so...
Oh, right, sorry.
Oh, right. Desolée.
Oh, rocket launcher.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Woodhouse.
Oh, shut up, Mr. Bigmouth, telling it we have a women's bathroom.
Oh, shut up, you old sourpuss.
Oh, so now it's okay? What happened to your fragile ecosystem?
Oh, so us hooking up is still...
Oh, so, uh, hey, how would you guys like a color copier...
Oh, sorry, do you not? Heh, heh, okay.
Oh, sorry, I forgot you might have...
Oh, sorry, I thought you said shut up.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Sterling, I knew you could do it.
Oh, Sterling.
Oh, thank you, certified airboat mechanic.
Oh, that is bullshit. Who would break in to this shithole?
Oh, that's a fine name. And could his middle name be Reginald?
Oh, that's groceries.
Oh, the only rush I know is my love for your comrade, Sterling Archer.
Oh, uh... You're like a brown Boudicca.
Oh, unwad your panties.
Oh, what's the matter? What happened?
Oh, which is how I met your mother.
Oh, who remembers?
Oh, yeah, okay, I see what's happening here, you're both jealous.
Oh, yeah, please. Keep gawking at the deaf person. Mawp...
Oh, yeah, so is the floor, my fist.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, this is Chet
Oh, yeah, you like that, don't you?
Oh, yeah? Did somebody finally out the queen? Right?
Oh, yeah? While you're tangled up in a half mile of shit covered tape?
Oh, yeah. After I begged you not to.
Oh, yeah. Boop.
Oh, yes. No, believe me, doctor, this is all very interesting information.
Oh, you are just your mother all over.
Oh, you gotta go. It's amazing, I hear.
Oh, you just missed him.
Oh, you know, just living the dream, Lana.
Oh, you must.
Oh! Ho ho ho! Uhn!
Oh! That's the Roosevelt mansion.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh. "Cut to Malory Steele, the 50ish and incredibly sexy CIA director..."
Oh. Come on.
Oh. I do. Because now the worm is in the mainframe databanks.
Oh. Let's hope not.
Oh. Not the IRA, my IRA.
Oh. Ow!
Oh. Well, Reggie survived the crash somehow.
Okay
Okay, A, nobody cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant.
Okay, give him the booze. Jesus, I should get checked.
Okay, here we go.
Okay, I got my fake documents, plenty of cash, so the crossing should be a breeze.
Okay, it's over and you're sure you don't wanna marry that woman?
Okay, keep them on the line.
Okay, let's set up a defensive perimeter.
Okay, now... Wow, that feels good.
Okay, pull up Katya's KGB personnel file.
Okay, so here's the deal. I'm commandeering these shoes.
Okay, Spelvin, where's the ISIS cover list?
Okay, the satellite link is online, so let's play God.
Okay, there's a... Wait, no, there's... Ahh.
Okay, we wait some test on you. So now I take coffee break.
Okay, well, my parents were sleepers in L.A., still are. Love them.
Okay, what does that mean? Do l...? Win? Really? Just like that, 50 grand?
Okay, what if I get you the 50 million?
Okay, you lost me.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay. Ahem.
Okay. Coming, Mother!
Okay. Let's play some goddamn cards.
On a night jump in the freezing ass cold to kill a Finnish double agent? Please.
On the way, we gotta stop at a toy store and get him a stuffed animal. Something.
Once my little worm uploads the list to my server...
Once the kidnappers realize they've got the wrong idiot...
Once we explain it all to Mother, I'm sure she'll say...
One for each cat, duh.
One lousy black rhino, one lousy Bengal tiger.
One lousy Lorax.
One moment, darlings.
One more and the innocent Honduran janitors..
One more crack about monster hands...
One ring? I don't know...
One sec. Talk to me.
One, I don't need a baby to validate my existence.
Only tiny and sweet.
Onto Spelvin, whose fault this is.
Ooh. Sorry, sir.
Or a big parade in Red Square when you come back to Moscow...
Or colic. Or the jimmy legs. Or... Can't you just dump him on Woodhouse?
Or earplugs, you idiot.
Or is it a Bloody Caes...
Or it will be, if I could just get all the taut, sexy bits in the right order.
Or Lana. They'll think less of me.
Or LSD.
Or LSD.
Or maybe your father, who never thought you quite measured up.
Or minutes. Look, I'm a little busy.
Or my twin TEC 9s.
Or perhaps the lead container I probably should've left it in?
Or that.
Or those big, steam shovelly scoops you call hands.
Or whatever.
Or wherever, just out of here.
Or yesterday, when she had to walk to work because there was a midget on the train?
Or, you know, not fine.
Oranges, exactly.
Ouch. I mean that's gotta hurt, huh?
Oui, in the Jacuzzi of your free suite, in which monsieur desires to remain.
Out! Get out!
Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow. But I've never even been to Las Vegas.
PADDY: Mikey Hannity, you say one word and I'll cut your yellow heart out..
PAM [OVER COMPUTER]: Yeah, I'm right here with the guy.
PAM [OVER PHONE]: Cyril, tell...
PAM & CHERYL: Wild Bill Donovan. Wild Bill Donovan, head of the OSS.
Pam, I should have you flensed.
Pam, if you're dumping stuff on the street, this can go.
Pam, those quarterly reports better be on my desk when I walk in there.
Pam, what the hell?
PAM: ...want a piece of this?
PAM: Careful, it's pretty delicate. Wow, and this is all marzipan?
PAM: Come on. GILLETTE: Suck it, women.
PAM: Ha, ha, you're kidding. And just what exactly is so funny?
PAM: I can get you guys in. Uh, seriously?
PAM: It's okay. We can hear from out here.
PAM: No, wait, wait, don't hang...
PAM: Oh, for... Seriously?
PAM: Oh, for... Seriously? I'm thinking.
PAM: Oh, my God, she's amazing.
PAM: Oh, shit.
PAM: Okay, jeez, hostile work environment.
PAM: Really? GILLETTE: Am I on that list?
PAM: So...
PAM: Sorry.
PAM: That's a good attitude. CHERYL: Totally.
PAM: What is it? Shattered dreams.
PAM: What you doing, Krieger?
PAM: What?
PAM: What? KIDNAPPER BOSS: Okay, we're done here.
PAM: What? What are you...?
PAM: Yeah? L... You...
Pam. Pam, wait up.
Parachute!
Pardon, monsieur, but as I said, the suite royale is reserved for...
Part two, where I use your code to kill the worm...
Pee?
Perhaps that will teach you to insult the proud nation of Monaco.
Phase Two is I want promotion.
Phrasing, Mother. Sorry, Katya.
Picking up chatter about a bomb threat in the Middle East.
Piece of... How are you a superpower?
PILOT [OVER RADIO]: Chief, why's the door still...?
Pity. Probably have to knock five percent off my asking price for the list.
Please make it stop.
Please, I just killed a man and I think my water just broke.
Plus an administrative fee, a small contingency fee...
Plus God knows how many cancer patients have been taking that stuff.
Plus I can only assume a Brazilian mob would be a jillion times sexier.
Plus, I gave them all my stickers.
Plus, what he named his plane.
Portuguese? But isn't...?
Pretty demanding sport, pretty tough on the glutes.
Pretty much, yeah.
Pretty much.
Pretty stupid, Archer. Getting a hooker pregnant? Yikes.
Probably hanging by his Achilles tendons in some KGB hellhole.
Probably right past you two while you were arguing over who's prettiest.
Probably some trailer park in Alabama.
Probably the most expensive candy bar you ever ate, you dunce.
PROTESTERS [CHANTING]: Fur is murder! Fur is murder! Fur is murder!
Prove you're really a Tunt.
Psst. Hey, comrade.
Racist.
Rampage!
Ray, get your purse and take some Midol. You're going back for him.
Ray, stop it. I can feel a hot streak coming on. Just give me a...
Ray, you can do it. And I can watch.
Ray, you lure Lana into the mainframe. And Carol, you lure Barry...
Really rethinking that tetanus booster right about now.
Really?
Really? But you're so...
Really. Hey, Cyril.
Redhead?
Reggie!
Reggie!
Regional Spelling Bee.
Regis. I wake up early every morning and watch Regis.
Relax. The money's totally safe, on deposit with the casino.
Relax. They can't risk killing Carol
REMY: Should have called first.
Replacing all the lights with high efficiency fluorescents...
Reset the f****** meter.
Rethinking a lot of things.
Right after I go to the hospital.
Right after you idiots deworm the entire computer network.
Right here. Like, one second ago.
Right in the face. I swear to God, I could watch this, like, a million times.
Right, he said he's in the mainframe and it's now or never.
Right, yes, here we go. All right.
Right? Almost as cool as my van.
Right? Are you guys...? Am I getting some signals?
Right? It's just like in Gator.
Roger that. I will definitely tell him right now.
RONA [OVER RADIO]: Oh, my God, you seem really tense.
RONA: Ahh. At least that time you fired downrange.
RONA: I'm a Russian sleeper, silly. Jesus, Lana, how did you not see that?
RONA: Isn't this amazing? LANA: Not really, no.
RONA: Kelp tape. What?
RONA: Lana, hush.
RONA: Oh, my God, if I, like...
RONA: There's Kolchenko's motorcade. Oh!
Running around barefoot like that.
Running for our lives, Barry.
Running through a couple hundred miles of marshy wetlands.
Runs right underneath these swamps, supplying almost 20 percent...
Ruth. And don't you worry, dear.
Safety's off, Barn.
Same thing in a tornado.
Sample was contaminated.
Saturday, I watched a building burn down
Say the right stuff and they send you to a mental hospital.
Screw the damn swamps, think of what'll happen to AmPetCo's profit margin.
SCRIPES [IN SLOW MOTION]: Oh, my God!
SCRIPES & BISHOP: To "Choke and Stroke."
Scripes phones me at my niece's house in Secaucus, New Jersey...
SCRIPES: Loads, thanks.
SCRIPES: Well, I daresay, there's not much mystery.
See you tomorrow, Popeye.
See you've already bagged yours.
See, look. No rust. Even the barrel's clean.
See? As long as you learn something from it, it's not a mistake.
See? Huh, was that so hard?
See? That's how the world works, dear...
See? The striking lever's the same, though.
Seriously, not many women could bring me to orgasm in front of my mother.
Seriously, these people can't hit anything.
Seriously, this must be what it's like to have sex with me.
Seriously, what is cancer?
Seriously. Maybe see if your daddy will give you a roll of nickels.
Seriously. Maybe see if your daddy will give you a roll of nickels.
Serves you right, shooting blind like that. You could've killed me.
Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan?
Sexual addiction's not a real thing, asshole.
Shall we find out?
Shame he'll send you packing when he comes to.
Shame, too, because he just loves the E Street Band.
She also has her own key.
She awaits your passionate embrace.
She does have a point, though. Not the M l L F part.
She gets dinner and Dixieland and laid...
She killed, like, 10 Russians to save my life.
She saved my life in Moscow, she's former KGB...
She saved my life in Moscow, she's former KGB...
She's battled ivory poachers, raging rivers, even tuberculosis.
She's broke, Trexler. She lost everything in a Ponzi scheme.
She's in the bar, hitting on a duke.
Shit ass.
Shit, why am I speaking English? With an American accent.
Shit. Or whatever, merde.
Shit. Whatever, move.
Shit. Which I'm trying to sell, but fat chance now.
Shit's tight, huh?
Shite, Joey, you call this a hand? More like a foot.
Shoot it, Archer! Shoot it!
Shooting his tires so he loses control and flies off the cliff.
Shut up and break it down. You've been inside, what's the layout?
Shut up and grab that scope and tell me where they are.
Shut up, I saw him first!
Shut up, idiot, and help me think.
Shut up, it's more of a...
Shut up, liar. Of things impossible.
Shut up. And ours too.
Shut up. But, Josh, seriously, do you really think the ends justify such violent means?
Shut up. I wanted to see what she's really like.
Shut up. That vest is bulletproof.
Shut up. They took a liter from me.
Shut up. You're under arrest.
Since when are you such a radical environmentalist?
Since when is this place a nursery?
Singles resort. Phuket, Thailand. Whole place ran on beads.
Small price to pay for beauty. Ahem.
Snark Victory?
So a servant.
So about that promotion...
So are you, if you piddle in here.
So bummed I won't be able to work on it now. Oh, my God, on anything.
So can you say best dancer ever?
So do you have to tell anybody?
So even if he was my biologic son...
So for the love of God, woman, go make me a fresh batch of hurricanes!
So have you ever thought about having a baby?
So here, show some support.
So here. All hands on deck.
So here's to, uh, family, I guess.
So how about we all just put our swords down.
So how much are we talking here?
So I could abandon it at a mall.
So I could really, really use a drink.
So I guess you must be the infamous Barry everyone's talking about.
So I made a phone call to the draft board. Now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands?
So I must ensure she never tells the West what she knows, or I will get...
So I need to get that money back.
So I'll probably never get any sort of cancer again, ever.
So I'm like, "Yeah, let Archer go."
So I'm obviously not saying now...
So I'm thinking that we probably should split up.
So if you will excuse me, I am going to rescue Pam.
So if you're gonna shoot me...
So is all kinds of shit.
So is me paying you child support, but you keep cashing the checks.
So it's going to be amazing.
So it's weird.
So let them hunt.
So maybe I would be a good father.
So mobility will be key, Lana. And how will we achieve mobility?
So move on, Barry.
So nobody sees you doing the dirt.
So nyet promotion...
So one Saturday when he had a game...
So people can nonverbally indicate where stuff happened on their body.
So please, dear, do the right thing.
So secure the perimeter, do a floor by floor sweep, and...
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg, and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea.
So shut up and watch my movie.
So stick that horn in your ass!
So thank you, Mother, for that.
So then he's all like, "You gotta go before my roommate gets home."
So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation...
So this is how game ends for you.
So to get these freebie socialist tax credits...
So trust me, she's not interested in Krieger's project.
So wait, they're gonna fence all that stuff and then pay us for it?
So wait. Wait, wait, wait, there's good cholesterol?
So we saved up and got a lovely package, and it's prepaid, you see, so...
So we'll set up a defensive perimeter at the launcher and catch him when he tries.
So we're both gonna need to do better.
So when Dr. Krieger told me that he already paid deposits...
So where are we supposed to sleep?
So where are we? What's the plan?
So who gets it?
So you just hold it in.
So you really think ODIN's gonna get rid of everybody?
So you wanna do it on the desk or...?
So you wanna tell me what's going on?
So you won't need this.
So you. Can you hack into the KGB servers?
So you'll forgive my impatience because I and a lot of other people...
So, Barry, looks like the whole find out who my father is thing isn't happening...
So, hey, hate to interrupt your conversation...
So, hey, how about I take a crack?
So, listen, about last night...
So, sir, perhaps your mother could look after the wee baby Seamus?
So, uh, listen, about last night..
So, um, comrade Bionic Barry, can you solve my Kasanova problem?
So, what are you saying?
So, what do you think are his odds?
So, what do you think?
So, what was your plan again? I think I remember thinking it was good.
So, what we should do is spread our clothes around..
So, what's the plan?
So, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage.
So, yeah, we're gonna wanna start a round of chemo ASAP...
Soldier servant was the official term, but...
SOLDIER: Come on. He's on the roof.
Some kind of worms will go in your feet.
Some stupid battery thing is in some stupid vault.
Somebody could've broken in the vault.
Somebody? Anybody?
Someone else's blood. Yeah, great.
Something about stripes and solids?
Something is very fishy about this kidnapper.
Something on your mind, dear?
Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a crush on the quarterback...
Sorry I can't stay for dinner.
Sorry in advance for this.
Sorry, but I assume you were just an insanely gawky teenager?
Sorry, dear, I have a fitting.
Sorry, George, I didn't mean to be...
Sorry, honey, please don't hate me.
Sorry, I thought that would work.
Sorry, sir. Here we go.
Sorry, sorry. I was laughing at your name.
Sorry. Again. I'm not myself.
Sorry. But I have no idea how to open this thing.
Sorry. Ha!
Sounds like "Ben Wa balls," Benoit. "Balls." See?
Sounds like there's about four big ass D cells in there.
Speaking of being a new person, or not, did you wanna tell me something?
Speaking of hurt, boy, you're stepping into a great big world of it.
Speaking of, where is she?
Speaking of, would you describe your relationship with Katya as solid or...?
SPELTS: Mr. Archer? Hi, it's Dr. Spelts. Duh. Who?
SPELTS: That's, um...
SPELVIN [ON RECORDING]: Hi, you've reached George Spelvin.
SPELVIN: What do you mean?
Spent God knows how many years in the orient, on a merchant schooner.
Splendid. Then open your dish.
Splendid. Yes, and we'll work out all the details when..
Split up.
Stand your ass up.
Start at the KGB field office in Vyborg.
Sterling Archer.
Sterling doesn't have any pins in his legs.
Sterling Malory Archer, this surgery is going to work and you...
Sterling Malory Archer, you are going to break into that vault...
Sterling Malory Archer.
Sterling will go to ground...
Sterling, first of all, we're not even together anymore.
Sterling, he also... Give me that.
Sterling, I know what you did to Trexler.
Sterling, if you left that briefcase in some cathouse, I swear to God...
Sterling, no one's ever sure they're ready for a child.
Sterling, pick a villager.
Sterling, they've taken Cheryl.
Sterling!
Sterling? Len?
Sterling? Was that him?
Sterling. Good morning, dear
Sterling. That's what I'll name him.
Sterling's already in Moscow?
Sterling's probably being tortured as we speak.
STEWARDESS: Ugh.
Still got the cooler though, so...
Still too soon.
Still, though. Ew.
Stilton and I were squadron mates.
Stopping my mother from selling ISIS to ODIN.
Stupid efficient Canadian light bulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing.
Stupid efficient Canadian light bulbs. I can barely even see what I'm doing.
Stupid thing's sick all the time.
Such as... Any history of alcoholism?
Suck it up. I tracked Delaney to an all night poker game.
Super bad. Have you seen a neurologist?
Super glad I didn't wet my pants.
Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
Sure thing, go to town
Sweet and sour? Might as well start an ant farm.
Take it off.
Take my copy, it'll change your life and...
Talk about a downer double whammy, huh?
Talk to me.
Talking about the whipped cream incident?
Taxi. Taxi!
Technically, 9:01 also
Tell me how to help.
Tell this wildlife you're sorry when the pipeline blows...
Tell your mother to give me a call sometime.
Ten minutes. I drop kids off at pool.
Thank God for small miracles, huh?
Thank you, Corporal Bishop.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks, Benoit balls. I don't actually...
Thanks, Woodsy. The Drug Owl.
Thanks. Or shalom or whatever it is we say.
That actually feels way better.
That and the around the world luxury cruise I'm taking with your mom.
That answers my follow up question.
That bathroom's like a war crime.
That being said, we better hurry up and redeposit this.
That crunching noise?
That is you. You're Cheryl
That little bitch.
That sounds lovely.
That was a close one.
That was actually pretty ballsy.
That was for work. And this is just for...
That was like Steve McQueen and John Woo had a baby...
That was my van.
That was taken outside the parking garage not five minutes ago.
That'll do, Pigley.
That'll do.
That's a broken zygomatic bone. Plus, I was unconscious for an hour.
That's a no brainer.
That's a schedule for child support payments.
That's all you have to say, you great flapping twit?
That's because he wants to... Bleh! That with you. Ugh!
That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood.
That's classic you, Mother
That's disgusting.
That's good, because I've waited my entire life to say this exact phrase.
That's how his tendon got severed.
That's it? No lovely parting gifts?
That's like, Counterintelligence 101.
That's not all. If you order now, you'll also receive...
That's not me!
That's right. Damned wretched of me, I know, but I just wanted a memento.
That's silvertip badger, kid. You know how much this cost?
That's the critical mission here.
That's the gawky 6 foot teenager everybody cheats on...
That's the only airboat around for 50 miles, and it reserved.
That's the only way we're gonna get to Cheryl Tunt.
That's the same thing she said when I was 5...
That's them. Secure and sweep.
That's what I said.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
That's what people wanna see.
That's what the tattoo guy said. Had to slip him an extra 100 bucks.
That's when I realized I had to lead the fight...
That's why I'm here doing research, so you can teach me.
That's why it's so scary, and that's why it's so special.
That's why we... Ahem.
That's why you're in Russia?
That's why you're so upset?
That's... Wait, okay, what's your biggest fear?
The amount of alcohol I'd need...
The baby!
The big, bad lady is here and she is cold.
The brain's language center?
The Crescent City, the Big...
The day my pet Dobermans accidentally ate my father.
The doctors say that even if he did not already have pins in that leg...
The door. Like a lookout.
The fact the government let you two fruit bats adopt a baby.
The first test was a false positive. You're totally fine.
The forbidden love between Malory and Cassius is central to the plot.
The Hun did a fair job of stitching up the old kite this time, what?
The IRS?
The KGB's gonna shoot this prick as he walks into the UN.
The mainframe thinks they're nuclear missile launches...
The man you've been having a 40 year affair with?
The mind fairly boggles.
The minimum is two? Okay, here.
The mission you failed was on the border.
The mochaccino ones are the cutest.
The money. Where's the money?
The paper, sir. There's an item...
The pleasure was all mine, Lance Corporal Woodhouse.
The question is, who would buy it?
The rest of you, don't you have something better to do...
The Russians, maybe the North Koreans.
The secret is negative reinforcement.
The slightest reduction of power could put lives at risk.
The stuff they use to sterilize hospitals? Pretty sure it's okay
The thing I thought was right, but not what people think is right.
The train dwarf was real, and he looked right at me with his dwarfy eyeballs.
The wee baby Seamus. Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it...
The what? What's a Web...?
The white queen of Africa.
The world's most dangerous spy.
The... You...
Then can I bring you back anything from Moscow?
Then go already! Bag with which one douches.
Then good luck getting past all the biometric scanners.
Then how is it still on?
Then how would you like a job?
Then I am with you. All the way.
Then I guess I blacked out. I don't remember stabbing him.
Then I put whipped cream all over everything.
Then I sort of washed up in Tangiers...
Then why be one?
Then you stupid A holes shoot a jillion stupid A hole bullets at me.
Then you would know I loved you for you.
Then you're as dumb as you are stupid, because best case scenario...
Then, apparently, it's gonna upload them to an off site server.
Then, having retrieved your mother's disgusting sex tape...
There are several other risk factors for male breast cancer.
There is a giant wounded alligator out there...
There was nothing I could do.
There you go.
There. Now cut this shit off so I can do the fingerprint reader.
There. Now we don't have to reformat all those stupid things.
There's 200 pounds of asshole hanging off them.
There's a canister of knockout gas wired to the latch.
There's a good chance your mother's first mammogram was a false positive.
There's a sniper out there who could spark World War III...
There's a teeny, tiny chance they maybe might've thought Pam was me.
There's half a billion dollars' worth of Tunt sitting in that vault.
There's not enough liquor and therapy in the world to undo that
There's so much I still wanna do.
There's something I've been wanting to tell... You scoundrel.
There's still a few stragglers trying to keep the party going.
There's this new thing called situational awareness.
They are dead, though. The chauffeur had a stroke and slammed into a tree
They can't read English.
They didn't come here.
They have this technology?
They just sort of barged in, sir.
They look exactly nothing alike.
They lost the war. Lack of science.
They make the pharmacist buy the real stuff.
They only live here and China. Two different species.
They told me it was cream for male pattern baldness.
They'll come. We should get you somewhere safe.
They're just desperate to sell newspapers.
They're not gonna shoot you. Their programming won't allow it.
They're the ones switching out life saving cancer drugs with candy and Zima.
They're, like, super heavy duty. Gah!
Think about what will happen to those wetlands if that pipeline explodes.
Think it's because I'm in loafers? They're not mine.
Thirty acres of wetlands disappear every single day...
This ain't a condom wrapper, it's from a fricking candy bar.
This baby knows what I'm talking about. Give me that.
This is Agent Lana Kane. And you are?
This is amazing.
This is exactly the kind of spy lingo I wanna soak up.
This is good, right here.
This is pro bono.
This is so boring and forever taking.
This is the backbreaking work we've been doing...
This is to share. Look at me. To share.
This isn't funny, Cheryl.
This isn't the sheriff's department...
This one knows what I'm talking about. I see you checking them out.
This surgery is going to be a complete success...
This van's, like, rolling probable cause.
This! Krieger.
This'd be such an amazing finish for Disavowed.
THISTLETON: Come on, Johnny. Bob's your uncle.
THISTLETON: I say, Woodhouse. WOODHOUSE: Yes, sir?
THISTLETON: I survived the crash somehow.
Those pills are like 80 bucks each...
Three large 50, three large a Benjamin, three large...
Three weeks later I was in Tunisia, killing a different man.
Three weeks later I was in Tunisia, killing a man.
To buy acid, Trinette.
To combat chemotherapy related nausea...
To hell with the tax credits.
To use the beads?
To your mother.
Toilet's clogged
TOMMY: Ha, ha. Breast cancer.
Tomorrow, in full view of both parties, we will test the sample here...
Too good, that's the problem.
Too soon?
Too soon?
Took good care of her too.
Total shitbox. They're weird.
Totally being sarcastic about the Georgia O'Keeffe posters.
Totally cancer free!
Totally cancer free! Again!
Totally my fault.
Totally, yes.
Totally. Because how is the elevator supposed to work...
Totally. Because how is the elevator supposed to work...
Trainspotting, can you dial that modulator down a skosh?
TREXLER: Oh, there's my lovely lady love.
TREXLER: Uh, I don't know. That was rhetorical.
TRINETTE: What the shit?
TRINETTE: What? Breast cancer. And, yes, seriously.
Trinette. Why are you here?
Trudy Beekman will eat me alive for this.
Try to aim for that Dumpster.
Try to think about something else.
Tum again? Still nothing?
Twelve straight weeks and Pam's still on Team Live Badass.
Two sixty, 280 and Jackson makes three.
Two weeks of chemo with no hair loss, and you're not experiencing any nausea?
Two years ago, Chatham County, Georgia...
Typical corporate bullshit.
Ugh, I never thought I'd say this, but I really miss the Zima
Ugh, we've covered that. Mother, listen.
Ugh, wherever. After you bring back Archer.
Ugh. I don't think I even wanna know.
Ugh. I think I could use a drink.
Ugh. It all feels so dirty.
Ugh. Just turn off the mainframe!
Ugh. Please don't make him into a suitcase.
Ugh. Ugh.
Uh huh, uh huh. And why are you barefoot?
Uh huh. All right, peace out.
Uh uh.
Uh uh. I've still got one bullet.
Uh, allegedly disgusting. Although, probably disgusting.
Uh, and I'm fine, since you asked.
Uh, apparently not.
Uh, core concept, I guess?
Uh, Cyril, you know what's solid? This wall.
Uh, differences? Uh, ha, ha.
Uh, ever been on a railroad?
Uh, guess he's too busy doing all that other awesome stuff.
Uh, here, take this.
Uh, hey, you wanna grab a drink later?
Uh, hey.
Uh, how about something a little less sarcastic?
Uh, I hate to interrupt, but I'm off on a dangerous mission.
Uh, I might, maybe. I mean, it depends on him.
Uh, none for me. Have a nice break.
Uh, okay.
Uh, or less stupid?
Uh, radio chatter about an American agent the KGB caught parachuting into Russia?
Uh, secret police
Uh, speaking of candy, I'm gonna be here a while...
Uh, technically, your mother is my employer.
Uh, what comes after infuriated?
Uh, with high self esteem?
Uh, yes, yes, he does.
Uh, you just answered your own question.
Uh, your mother's budget priorities.
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh...
Uh... Ooh. Malory!
Um, does Internet porn know you're cheating?
Um, I have a picture.
Um, I maybe kind of slightly took it.
Um, name's Archer.
Um, okay. Uh, until then, do you have some sort of escape plan or...?
Um, or 800,000.
Um, slightly from where?
Um, thanks. Uh...
Um. Hang on, just doing something.
Um. Oh, Cyril. The butt of my gun.
Um...
Um...
Unbelievably gigantic ass.
Under very suspicious circumstances.
Unh, you couldn't feel bad enough. Shut up, so here's what we're gonna do.
Unh! You realize I can never unhear that sentence, Pam. And why are you crying?
Unh. Idiot.
Unh. Not a smart mid rampage move.
Unh. Oh, God.
Unless the sister thing is weird for you. I'm, obviously, way into it.
Unless you include the funeral expenses for those pygmies.
Unlike some people around here.
Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Use your imaginations. Make a soccer ball out of a dead cat.
Vacancies like...?
Very good, sir. Let's see what we have... Oh, good Lord!
Very. If the worm gets into the mainframe's encrypted files...
Victimless crimes, Mikey. Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.
Vis à vis a unit of volume.
Wai... Wha...? Wait a minute. You liar.
Wait a minute. No, no. No, that's...
Wait a minute. What are you getting out of this?
Wait a second, is that...? You know tontines are illegal, right?
Wait a second. "Sir Aldous Wensleydale, foul play suspected.
Wait till everybody sees this.
Wait, does Canada even have a spy agency?
Wait, how do I know that name?
Wait, how much are these chips worth?
Wait, how much are you gonna charge for ISIS to protect me?
Wait, Pam, I had a...
Wait, please tell me you're into Rush.
Wait, so I've been treating my breast cancer with sugar pills?
Wait, wait, wait, Barry. There.
Wait, wait, wait, stop. Stop.
Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Stop.
Wait, what am I saying? I don't even know his blood type.
Wait, what are you doing?
Wait, what do you mean, it's gone?
Wait, what is Phase Two?
Wait, what kind of risk?
Wait, what?
Wait, why did you have an eye patch?
Wait, why do we have so many damn dolls in here?
Wait. I got it.
Wanna grab a drink later?
Was it when I wanted a puppy? No.
Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.
Was that not self explanatory?
Was that so hard?
Was that so hard?
Was this my billiard room?
Was. But it mutated, and now we're, like, on the brink...
Water? Never touch the stuff. Fish **** in it.
Way to go, Chokely Carmichael.
We are. We're complying.
We can beat cancer with this medicine.
We could give her a MILFectomy
We could scare off Gray if we don't maintain the element of surprise.
We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man.
We have the technology.
We have to keep Malory occupied while we meet Lachouffe.
We just work together. Oh, hello.
We met in a "Pray Away the Gay" bible group. That was a pretty weird time for me.
We need it, and... Hey, what about this?
We need twin Vickers here by the bar, a Lewis gun by the sofa...
We were losing two, sometimes three pilots a week.
We will send flowers.
We will talk about it in the van.
We'll see you still being an asshole.
We'll turn this fruity flat into a killing field.
We're all dying off.
We're breaking into Rona's apartment to hide the journal Pam stole.
We're buying this place. Carpet's shitty enough as it is.
We're calling it Mandingo Il: The Enslavening.
We're here, idiot.
We're here.
We're not dying of old age, sir.
We're still here in the garage.
We're taking Cheryl back to ISIS and locking it down...
We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty.
Well then, goodbye, Woodhouse, and you're fired.
Well, actually, men can develop breast cancer...
Well, also very much Archer. But I'm talking about Barry.
Well, Archer's got that banging pad.
Well, at least I have a father, Barry.
Well, at least I'm not a sex addict.
Well, at least you got some closure.
Well, don't just stand here.
Well, even if you weren't lying...
Well, figuratively. I mean, I don't know about the actual chair itself
Well, for starters, this.
Well, for starters, you can apologize to my friend...
Well, gee, Barry, what's French for "deliciously depraved"?
Well, guess you and me are the last two left in the tontine, eh?
Well, he better not be.
Well, he couldn't have gone far in 10 minutes. It's a zoo out there.
Well, heh, you say that.
Well, here's to you, "Choke and Stroke."
Well, I assume I'm pretty famous here, so...
Well, I didn't know that, ass.
Well, I didn't know that.
Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of lousy hooker baby havers.
Well, I don't know. There were a lot of guys there.
Well, I feel bad for Archer..
Well, I gotta sleep, so do it somewhere else.
Well, I guess maybe 1 in 3.
Well, I have to be positive, Lana. I gotta stay strong.
Well, I probably shouldn't show you this, but I'm totally going to.
Well, I was able to trace the call to a one block radius.
Well, I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life.
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Spock, l...
Well, if you truly love Ms. Kasanova...
Well, it sure better be worth 4 million bucks.
Well, it's obviously not, and what?
Well, just for the record...
Well, just wait till the new DSM comes out. Then we'll see.
Well, keep your chins up, Cyril. All 11 of them.
Well, Krieger thinks it's some satellite linked mind control device.
Well, Lana, since you already had dibs on Team I Have An Oversized Vagina...
Well, let's see how much you wiggle...
Well, maybe not traditional, but it's a damn classy move.
Well, maybe you're in love. She's just in need.
Well, no, not exactly, but...
Well, not "here" here. On the terrace.
Well, now that's Stilton's been killed, it's just me, Scripes, and...
Well, now you know how Babou feels.
Well, now, this is just a disaster.
Well, Scripes is on his way here, so...
Well, since it sounds like I don't have to help with the wedding plans...
Well, some of those huge profits are paying ISIS to protect that pipeline.
Well, technically, I won it, but...
Well, that little...
Well, that someone needs to be fluent in Russian...
Well, that's based on my expenses.
Well, that's just great.
Well, that's just great.
Well, then I should get my turtleneck.
Well, then, for the 50th time, shut up and go back to the office.
Well, then, how do you explain this?
Well, then, shut up.
Well, then, you'd better pack a bag.
Well, this is just an educated guess, but, um..
Well, too bad, because you've sown the wind, and now you shall reap...
Well, until Monday it was, like, I don't know, 50 million?
Well, we both have a vested interest in the outcome of this silly test.
Well, we were the two youngest...
Well, we'll just see what Ms. Archer has to say about this Nazi beeswax.
Well, what do you think?
Well, what the...? Krieger.
Well, whatever. And shut up. And if you don't make Katya an ISIS agent, Mother...
Well, whatever. I borrowed it from my IRA, and if I don't pay it back...
Well, whatever. I have a plan to get the money back.
Well, whatever's on the disk, Lachouffe expects $4 million in bearer bonds...
Well, yeah, now.
Well, you are just gonna kill me...
Well, you better hope they're in the vault. Ray, hurry up, get changed.
Well, you know what they say, Lana, unlucky at cards...
Well, you might want one too...
Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board.
Well, you say that.
Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.
Well, you're sweet enough to come see a sick old lady in the hospital.
Well? Have you picked out a donor?
Well... Ha ha ha.
Wens and Bux died in their sleep at the pensioners' home.
Were there even any kidnappers in the first place?
Were you talking about we're out of rubber cement?
Weren't you gonna do that anyway?
Weren't you gonna do that anyway?
Wh...? Jeezy Petes, Archer.
Wh...? Ugh.
Wha... For 40 years, kroshka, you are my only woman.
Wha...?
Wha...? Are you nuts? That scene where her baby gets swept away?
Wha...? Is that a fricking candy bar?
Wha...? Nyet! Archer may be my son.
Wha...? Thanks, Lana.
Wha...? There was bottled water in there the whole time?
Wha...? What will?
Wha...? What?
Wha...? Where the hell is she?
Wha...? Why would you do that?
Wha...? Yes.
Wha...? You ass, you gave him liquor?
Whaling ships? What, he's against clean burning lamp oil?
What am I doing?
What am I saying? It's Russia.
What an asshole.
What are you doing back there?
What are you doing?
What are you doing? What's next?
What are you going to do?
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?
What are you...? Don't do that, you asshole.
What are you...? Sterling, no, you're not well.
What are your three biggest fears?
What are your three biggest fears? Archer?
What boyfriend?
What could be so secret she wired it up with 12 pounds of C4?
What did I expect? Jesus, look at how I've treated all of you.
What do I know about dry cleaning?
What do you do? How do you make him not...? Here. God!
What do you mean, take you alive, Woodhouse? I only came here...
What do you want me to do, Lana, throw it out the window?
What does a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
What does it say on the receipt?
What happened Monday?
What happened to 100 to 1?
What happened to 100 to 1?
What I have is a plane to catch.
What if I'm not? What if I die, and then have to live with the fact..
What if they think that you are double agent?
What in the name of pre paid venereal disease...
What is "bonk"? Does that mean l...?
What is "wow"? What is that?
What is loafers?
What is meant to be is your going to Russia to bring back my son...
What is this, a broken glass factory?
What kind of shit gift is that?
What kind of sick, degenerate...?
What part of "highly classified" do you not understand?
What part of "I'm a cyborg" are you people still not getting, exactly?
What the bloody hell?
What the hell are you doing?
What the hell does she keep in here, buckles?
What the hell is it?
What the hell is wrong with him?
What the hell, Lana!
What the hell?
What the shit?
What the..
What was I saying? Oh, yeah, the cancer has spread to your lymph nodes.
What was I to do? Say, "Take a load off while we pump you full of heroin?"
What was I, the wrong one?
What was the failure that forever killed the love in your father's heart?
What was the surprise?
What who? Who is that?
What, Lana?
What, you hear machine guns and decide now's a good time to take out the...? Oh.
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What?
What? After all that, you wanna take a bath?
What? Dukes. Unh!
What? He can't have booze, he's going to jail.
What? I didn't come by to see you, I'm trying to bang a candy striper.
What? I would totally kill you for that.
What? It's just a little cartoon pirate.
What? It's one lousy fish.
What? No, I'm not an idiot, Mother.
What? No, they didn't.
What? Nobody is getting killed over however much that is in real money.
What? That's like comparing apples to Nazi oranges.
What? What the shit, Lana?
What? You still would've burned your hands reaching in here.
What...? I don't need a doctor, Mother. Katya doesn't have VD.
What...? Well, what it is?
What's all this?
What's he into?
What's it look like, you puke?
What's that? That's a bumblebee.
What's the bad news?
What's the story, neckbones?
What's with all this glass?
Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up
Whatever, I win. Suck it, Samwise.
Whatever's in this IV, which I love.
When I said the cancer had spread to your lymph nodes.
When they finish, bring me the boy.
When what you should be afraid of is falling in love with me again...
Where I better never catch you again.
Where is the trust?
Where should I do it, in the toilet?
Where? Tell me where Pinch Two is supposed to go, and I'll...
Where's the other? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Where's the primary ingress? Orientation. Are there windows?
Wherever we go, someone will always be hunting us.
Which again, from the bottom of my heart...
Which doesn't include you taking my toiletries.
Which had better be worth this splitting headache.
Which I am going to push, very slowly, into your urethra.
Which I'm not going to do. Duh?
Which is apparently a soldier factory.
Which is controlled by the mainframe.
Which is funny why?
Which is funny, why?
Which is more than I ever got.
Which is where?
Which is why I'm in New York, by the way. I need all new pins put in it.
Which is why shut up because I and Rona, am and are taking the mission.
Which is, uh, pretty rare for me. Hi.
Which now I'm regretting because what kind of farkarkte bullshit is this?
Which put him on the moon.
Which she'll be happy to do.
Which you deserve after what you did.
Which you will spend never knowing if I rat you out.
Which, even though it's the sequel, I think is the stronger of the two.
Which, I gotta tell you, huge fan.
Which, judging by your response, I, uh, assume it's not, so, uh...
Which, yes, bad idea, but it got me thinking about chemical reactions.
While he's in such a good mood.
Who am I, Elisha Otis?
Who are you, Carrie Nation?
Who cares about your glue withdrawal? Jeez, what if Mr. Archer gets killed?
Who cares? I'm talking local.
Who could believe it? A woman driving in a Formula One race
Who do you think's been paying my salary all these years?
Who dragged out all this old crap?
Who get killed in the line of duty all the time. And the control room...
Who I had for three days at Dûc Quay.
Who I had for three days at Dûc Quay.
Who I wrote an amazing poem about in... Damn, I wish I could find my journal.
Who is that? Who is that...
Who is, in fact, sitting right here.
Who may be his son. And for dessert, we will have the truth.
Who obviously never saw River's Rage. .
Who taught you how to punch?
Who the **** is in my ******* penthouse?
Who thought I had breast cancer. Shut up.
Who was that?
Who will remember that at bonus time!
Who, me? No.
Who? No, no.
Whoa, here, take three or four of them. Probably won't kill you guys, either.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh uh.
Whoa. Wait, is that...?
Whoop. They all jump straight up.
Why are you and Mother in my room, going through my things?
Why are you dressed like a tout?
Why are you drinking again? We're meeting Lachouffe in 10 minutes.
Why are you in my...? Oh, shit.
Why are you sitting at my table?
Why are you still talk...? Ow!
Why aren't you there?
Why can't you just take a DNA swab?
Why couldn't that be Geraldine Martin? No, no, that's awful.
Why didn't you just get a vasectomy like I asked you to?
Why do you do anything you do?
Why don't you just make it a shot for shot remake of Mandingo.
Why isn't there a metal briefcase full of bearer bonds...
Why not? They're already tied up, and we don't even have any rope, so...
Why should I care if Archer knocked up some hooker?
Why should I care if Archer knocked up some hooker?
Why the hell are you crying?
Why the hell are you down here?
Why the...?
Why was he dressed as Hitler?
Why was I dressed as Hitler?
Why would anyone wanna kidnap you?
Why would he...? Oh, is this about Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB?
Why would you think it's okay to share that?
Wildly inappropriate.
Will you shut up?
With the bearer bonds?
With the old ones you could flush a dachshund puppy.
With your guns.
WOMAN: Aah! Ha ha ha. Oh.
Womp, womp.
WOODHOUSE [IN SLOW MOTION]: No!
Woodhouse there's... God, that's bright.
Woodhouse, for the first time in my life, I'm in love.
Woodhouse, I quit drinking for her.
Woodhouse, salt of the earth, who basically raised me.
Woodhouse, seriously, a little help.
Woodhouse, you came for me.
Woodhouse, you're a rose among thorns.
WOODHOUSE: A response I found unsatisfactory.
WOODHOUSE: After that, it's all a bit fuzzy.
WOODHOUSE: Archer residence. So the thing is, Lana... Here's the thing...
WOODHOUSE: Black days, they were.
WOODHOUSE: But... ARCHER: Seamus, no!
WOODHOUSE: France. Spring, 1917.
WOODHOUSE: God knows how, but he kept the old kite from rolling over...
WOODHOUSE: I could hear Reggie out there past the wire, screaming like a lamb.
WOODHOUSE: No one thought we'd live through the war...
WOODHOUSE: So we could've sent a rescue party.
WOODHOUSE: Yes, sir. So don't be surprised...
WOODHOUSE: You heard me, young man.
WOODHOUSE: You'll never take us alive, Scripes.
Woodhouse? Listen very carefully.
Woodhouse. He's a heroin addict?
Woodhouse. Yes.
Woodhouse. Yes.
Would you knock it off, Union Carbide?
Would you relax? We know he's gonna attack the pipeline...
Would you shut up?
Wow, a ton of stuff just started making sense.
Wow, a ton of stuff just started to make sense to me.
Wow, all these years, I've never seen Archer, like, "drunk" drunk.
Wow, Barry, you're, like, super strong.
Wow, he did all that? For...
Wow, I'm definitely missing that blood. Maybe if I drank some of Cyril's blood I'd...
Wow, l... Really?
Wow, really? My momma told me how much she loved me all the time.
Wow, single space, you wanna broad stroke it for me?
Wow, six percent beer. To get Sterling Archer drunk.
Wow, so guess that worked, huh?
Wow, so that didn't take long, huh?
Wow, this might be hard to drive with such a huge, throbbing erection.
Wow, uh, a lot of fears kind of coinciding here.
Wow, what is French for "broken record"?
Wow, you sound shitfaced.
Wow. Not sure I wanna know what your third...
Wretched horrible ants!
Wrong answer.
Y'all know me, I'm no gossip, but that is some scandalous ass shit right there.
Y'all! Y'all, my car is slowing down for some unknown reason.
Ye... Yes, I can.
Yeah, about that, could I borrow Len for a second?
Yeah, all, whatever, five Cornelii.
Yeah, an attack helicopter and a rocket launcher, Lana.
Yeah, Anastasia. She killed herself.
Yeah, and I'd be that much closer to a million bucks.
Yeah, and is he the same pharmacist who gave you all these chemo drugs?
Yeah, and Team Live Badass? That's the best you could come up with?
Yeah, and the neverer the better.
Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Yeah, anybody...
Yeah, back then, Hollywood was pretty weird about the whole race thing.
Yeah, because you know, they're brothers.
Yeah, but Cyril was... Oh, wait.
Yeah, but now she doesn't have a...
Yeah, but racist overtones aside, it really limits your casting options.
Yeah, but think you need the calories?
Yeah, Cy... Wait, what?
Yeah, Cyril.
Yeah, Cyril.
Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?
Yeah, doesn't that feel good?
Yeah, every Friday for the past three months.
Yeah, good, great idea. Do the one thing that could possibly make it hotter.
Yeah, ha ha ha. Grown ups. Keep moving your lips without...
Yeah, hang on, he's right...
Yeah, help yourself. Go ahead, drink it up.
Yeah, here's some more claims forms.
Yeah, hey, it's got a safety pin.
Yeah, hi, duh, we just steal the bearer bonds from the casino.
Yeah, I bet.
Yeah, I don't know why I do that.
Yeah, I mean, it's not as bad as stage III or IV...
Yeah, I think that's what enraged him.
Yeah, I will. If you will excuse me.
Yeah, I'll come over, Mother, just give me 20 minutes.
Yeah, I'm just getting that
Yeah, it totally is.
Yeah, it's not ideal.
Yeah, it's totally wide open.
Yeah, like using the pipeline to set the entire swamp on fire.
Yeah, listen, doctor, I'm kind of making peace with my loved ones...
Yeah, Little Miss Cry Wolf here handcuffed herself to a radiator.
Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.
Yeah, no, I do not like those odds.
Yeah, not a huge surprise.
Yeah, not surprising, considering the fact he's a loan sharking pimp.
Yeah, one sec.
Yeah, right?
Yeah, screw them, especially Cheryl
Yeah, so are they in there signing the sale contract or...?
Yeah, so back to the irony, now I'm gonna throw you off the roof.
Yeah, so I guess this party was a little premature, huh?
Yeah, so I hear.
Yeah, so listen, about the job and this, I don't think I can do it.
Yeah, so please don't take this the wrong way, but I am gonna kill you.
Yeah, so sooner's gonna be better than later.
Yeah, that, plus all those melon balls. I had about nine of them.
Yeah, that's how you like it, huh?
Yeah, that's my point.
Yeah, the last thing I remember was...
Yeah, there we go.
Yeah, they..
Yeah, to the silk lined sleeve of a bespoke Savile Row suit jacket.
Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me, I've been finding solace in food.
Yeah, what is it, like, 2:30?
Yeah, who's the dumbass now, Lana?
Yeah, you fight them off, Cheryl.
Yeah, you think?
Yeah, yuk it up.
Yeah! One for three off the roof, bitch.
Yeah? To where? Some bigger mansion somewhere else you bought...
Yeah? Your 401(k) doing that well?
Yeah. Give me another belt.
Yeah. Go away.
Yeah. Hey, where's Archer?
Yeah. Kolchenko's down. Oh, that is so gross.
Yeah. Me.
Yeah. Oh, wait, she's dead.
Yeah. Quit screwing around, Pam. This is serious.
Yeah. Until the Las Vegas police faxed over this little gem.
Yeah. Way to advance.
Yeah. Why?
Yeah. Why?
Yeah. Yeah, count me in.
Yeah. Yo, I didn't even feel that.
Yes, and I need every single watt.
Yes, and if you tell anyone, I'll murder you.
Yes, because this is a war.
Yes, dear, where are your manners?
Yes, gasp, because she'll be so...
Yes, I can. Burt Reynolds is my spirit guide.
Yes, I do, Benoit balls.
Yes, I guess we are.
Yes, I spent, like, every summer there...
Yes, I will.
Yes, I'm just screaming his name down the hall to celebrate that fact.
Yes, idiot. I do
Yes, idiot. I do.
Yes, it is, Other Barry, yes, it is.
Yes, it sounds amazing, it really does, but we'll talk about it when you get here, hm?
Yes, just keep shouting your own name!
Yes, Lana, I'm on a rampage.
Yes, Lana, with the...
Yes, Mother, I'm here for you.
Yes, really. Katya, I love you.
Yes? Yeah, one sec.
Yes.
Yes. Eww. Mother, he touches my food
Yes. God knows when I'll be able see Dicky again.
Yes. Hence the shandy.
Yes. Or no, I don't know. Who's asking?
Yes. Sorry, I forgot.
Yes. Yes. See, this is...
Yikes, yeah. You can't have a flashback with a flash forward in it, that's...
Yo, where you at, mama?
You better just ******* kill me.
You better put that back in your purse.
You blew her up! Oh, damn you!
You can if you want, but I was just gonna use this.
You can with a little thing I like to call a deep cycle marine battery.
You can't do it, boy. I know you.
You can't hear me because you're redlining the engine.
You colossal ******* idiot.
You didn't think it was weird your chemo drugs were chewable?
You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe?
You don't believe me? Walk into NASA sometime and yell, "Heil Hitler."
You don't call me for a year and that's how you talk to me?
You don't have to. Look at me.
You don't look so dangerous now.
You don't think cyborgs have that technology? I'm hanging up.
You dumb idiot.
You forgot. Thanks, idiot.
You got a sense of honor, fair play.
You gotta relax. Let your weapon be an extension of your body.
You gotta sear them first, it locks in the flavor.
You guys are in on this? And I was worried about sounding racist.
You guys, I'm kind of freaking out. You mind if I glue up?
You had the chance to make the switch, but you couldn't.
You have to swear you won't breathe a word of this to anyone.
You haven't had sex with her?
You hear that, Mother?
You idiots wanna hear my plan or not?
You just gotta take a whiff.
You just have to find the guy who's not intimidated by your power.
You just sit there like the African Queen.
You know each other?
You know he missed the drop zone by like eight miles?
You know what I bet happened is all the shocks damaged my frontal lobe.
You know what I do when I'm tense?
You know what, I'm gonna start doing that, Ruth.
You know who you're messing with, boyo? You have any idea who our boss is?
You know, at some point in the future.
You know, if I'd gone to the thing.
You know, maybe I lowballed him at first, but I had some wiggle room.
You know, once, uh...
You know? Because the...
You like that? It's a Bloody Mary.
You little... Okay, then.
You looked like Angela Davis had a lovechild with "Sweet" Lou Dunbar.
You lost 800 grand?
You maniac!
You may consider ISIS your personal bodyguard.
You may want to hold off on that.
You must be pretty good at it.
You need some garters
You nut.
You obviously haven't seen my movie, uh, Terms of Enrampagement.
You only give them liquor if they have croup.
You people better not track that onto the carpet.
You really think I'm sexy and empowered?
You remember that he shattered my femur, right?
You ruined the moment.
You said I could hold him.
You shoot like old women.
You son of a snack eating ass bitch.
You swallow it over, three days and you start to, you know, pass it...
You think it's just a coincidence Mr. Archer took $4 million to Monte Carlo?
You turned Archer loose in a casino with $4 million?
You want a pretty bumblebee?
You were four hours late.
You were hitting star again.
You whinging little shit. You just cost me $50 million.
You would not believe how much cancer medicine costs.
You, Cyril, are a ******* idiot.
You. And you've treated him like a dog ever since.
You'd think that duke had never been with a woman before.
You're an ISIS agent
You're gonna be fine
You're gonna be in so much trouble.
You're gonna eat so many spider webs.
You're gonna leave him with a grenade up his ass?
You're gorgeous and smart... Have you read Unleashing the Me by Reinhart Schmoll?
You're just talking in circles.
You're not rampaging? I thought you were rampaging.
You're not taking this. You never qualified as a counter sniper.
You're okay, Taterhead
You're serious, aren't you?
You're still together?
You're such a prick. I mean, who the...
You've been holding him and you've been drinking...
Your funeral. God knows what kind of parasites are swimming around in it.
Your husband?
Your lab uses more electricity than the rest of ISIS put together.
Your mum's got home from the war. Give her a proper hello.
Your new... Oh, my God, ODIN's making you the new boss?
Your tears?
Yup. He's down.
Yup. I mean, I kind of maybe have to sleep with Barry, but...
Zing! Ahem.
Zip it, LaMotta. And even if I did know what you're talking about...
Zip it, you two.
"Aha" what? It's Austin, duh.
[VOICE DISTORTED] Krieger san. I'm here. No!
[WHISPERS] Go ahead. It's not that thick back here.
A great big... Franny Delaney.
A modest retainer. Ah.
A perquisite for the job, yeah. Right.
A pink ribbon. I have breast cancer. Ha, ha!
Aah! Damn it, Cyril. Remember to channel it.
Aah. This isn't my first Grand Prix, you know.
About eight gills. What's a gill?
About what? What are we talking about?
About you and Mother... We're in love, kiddo.
Act Two. Act Two is wall to wall...
Actually, Sterling, if you don't mind? What?
After I begged you not to rip my suit. I was clinging for life.
Ah. Nothing.
Aha! Aah!
Ahem. Oh, come on.
Ahem. They were probably tracing us.
Ahem. Yeah, try clearing your throat...
Ahh! MIKEY: Oh, Christ.
All my hair fell out. I'm sorry.
All the blast doors are down. Yeah, so...
All this time, it's been... Growing, I guess.
Already did. You...? Oh.
Also, yes. Wait, I thought he was a Green Beret.
Although not in that order. Hey, not in any order.
Although what? Um...
Although... Yeah, it is the first thing they'd do.
Always running around, blowing shit up. Threatening our supply of lamp oil.
An airboat. An airboat, Lana.
An officer's personal attendant. Oh.
Anastasia. No, the tall brunette, "crazy" crazy.
And after we take a liter... A liter?
And also kidding, it's a smoke grenade. WHITEY: Oh, thank...
And also sell the cleaners. You sold the cleaners?
And Barry just wanted to frame me. You don't fool me.
And cue the collective sigh of relief. Oh, shut up.
And even if she were... PAM: I am.
And George Washington Tunt of the... The Tuntmore House.
And give me those. Hey, we're using those.
And have you ever told him that? What, are you kidding? No.
And her great grandfather built them all. What?
And here, just in case. CYRIL: Cool.
And I thought you didn't gamble. I don't.
And I won't? I don't care what you think.
And I'm sure that must be... Oh, and he sodomized my fiancée.
And if we go back to Russia... Russia?
And just for once, be the guy who... Ow! Who what?
And me. Nope.
And once you countersign... We can set sail for romance.
And please, please, please. LANA: Mm?
And so... But, darling, are you sure?
And their crotchless panties. I didn't even know they had those.
And third, is this the real stuff? Yeah, this is all real.
And this doesn't? Well, in a... It's apples and oranges.
And those pricks do all the packing. What?
And what time is it? Well, it's 9:01, but..
And what's that supposed to mean? It means I understand, Cyril.
And where the hell have you been? On agency business, at the bank.
And why are you bleaching everything? Ugh! Because it sneezed out here.
And why are you calling me right now? MALORY: I had to, before it's too late.
And yes, maybe I've had a few. Really?
And, Brett! Where's that ribbon, buddy? BRETT: Aah!
And, plus, we still need a priest, so... How about a disgraced former minister?
And? And Cyril's got three throws left...
And? And what?
And? Then what? WOODHOUSE: Hmm?
And... Wait, what? Yes. And I bet he cheated on you.
Any questions? Yeah, Barry.
Anymore. What are we talking about? Nothing.
Archer, do something. Who am I, Alan Turing?
Archer, I will put you down. Well, how am I the bad guy?
Archer, we're out of ammo. Well, I'm not.
Archer, when your mother finds out... No, Ray, you cannot tell her.
Archer? Sterling?
Archer. Not now, Lana.
Archer. Pretty sure Tonto was a Jew.
Archer. Same year, Pinellas County, Florida...
Archer. So you need a lift back to land?
Archer. What? Lana, look at him.
Archer. Archer. Just an entrée? Okay. Uh...
Archer... I might die tomorrow..
Archer's fault. Shut up.
Are we keeping you from something? No.
Are you not listening to me? Well, obviously not.
Are you shitting me? Will you shut up?
As I'm sure you love your kneecap. Franny Delaney.
As we speak. Yes.
Ask your mom! What's that supposed to mean?
Ass. That's the good news
Asshole. Did it get you?
Asshole. What?
At ISIS, you said? L...
At the hospital, doctor! You said... Oh, no.
Aubergine, I guess you call that. Oh.
Auto erotic asphyxiation. You're joking.
Avoid the truth, bury the secrets, hide the... Oh, for the...
Aw, you think? Yes, Barry, that's why I said it.
Aw. Well, that's just weird.
Babou. ARCHER: I love it.
Balls. Ha ha ha.
Banque. What happened?
Barry, buddy, this is happening. Archer, no.
Barry, that's my dream job. Yours for the taking.
Barry? BARRY: In here.
Barry. Please, Archer.
Basement. Kidnapped herself.
Basically. Well, for your information...
Because certain items in my desk... Bah, bah bah bah. I can't hear you
Because he removed it from my brain. What?
Because he thinks he's my father. And what, you think he wanted...
Because he was engaged. I was married.
Because of the scalps. For...
Because that has been done. It's a taut, sexy thriller.
Because you're gay? They're unregistered and untraceable.
Benoit! Balls.
Benoit. Balls.
Benoit. ARCHER: Balls.
Blue and yellow. The blue...
Bon. Then I wish you bonne chance. Oh, shoot. I can't. I don't have any...
Born and raised. Uh huh. What's the state capital?
Borrowed it from Woodhouse. Archer, what the shit?
Bought it, from you. L...
Brain aneurysm. What?
Breast cancer? Oh, for the love...
Breast milk. Ew!
Brilliant. Right?
Bu... Wait a minute, how much?
Bub? Darling, we really must go.
But c'est la vie, dear. Yeah, and c'est la child support.
But even with money and passports... And mustaches.
But he is not a double agent. Are you retarded?
But I do really wish there was a gator. Hey, come on, not even as a joke, Lana.
But I don't wanna be people. And I didn't wanna be a grandmother.
But I'm, like, right here. And I'm right here.
But if he was already knocked out... I...
But it should be Buyer's Remorse. MALORY: And...
But it's so unnecessarily elaborate. Oh.
But l... Ooh. Or do I want a mint julep?
But there's a pig launcher here. ARCHER: Is that what it sounds like?
But wait a minute, does he know you're...? TREXLER: Gorgeous.
But what? You're not gonna like it.
But with the economy how it is... What?
But you know how it is to be surrounded... By women, yes.
But you're not though, right? Awesome. No.
But, uh, it's not good, huh? No, dear.
But... Clink, clink. Heh, heh, heh.
But... For, you know.
But... She's fired.
But... Still shut up.
But... Trust me, it's for the greater good.
Buying a lock factory? For your information, I'm...
By God, you will show some respect. [IN NORMAL VOICE] Ow.
Can I? Of course. Why not?
Can somebody shoot him? Dukes.
Can you not? No.
Can't perform under pressure? I...
Check it out. Look. Well, yeah, but just by one.
Check this out. How do you light it?
Cheers. Now, let me just light that for you.
Come on, Len. I'll follow you anywhere, my sweet.
Come on, nine frames is... A glitch.
Come on, nothing? Not the Tunts
Come on, Ray. Sploosh. Called it three drinks ago.
Come on, this is a very fragile ecosystem. Too fragile to spare one trout?
Come on, we both have amazing genes. GILLETTE: What did I say?
Come on. I have cancer. Of the tits.
Come on. This is your son's life. And my money.
Come render the salad unto Caesar. Yeah.
Commence satellite link. CYRIL: Commencing satellite link.
Cool. Duh. Okay, try not to screw...
Costs more than that, I bet. You...
Counterfeit cancer drugs? Yeah, basically candy corn and Zima.
Cyril came on to me. Oh, shut up, he's totally passed out.
Cyril Figgis. Good.
Cyril, get the ******* gun. Uh...
Cyril, it's a toast, don't be rude. No.
Cyril, what is going on with you? Aah!
Cyril, you are... Preaching to the choir, buddy.
Cyril, you're insulting me. Toast. L...
Cyril, you're... Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer.
Cyril. Fifty thousand.
Cyril. There's probably two...
Cyril's about half a wreck, huh? Yeah, so why do you pick on him?
Da da da. ...from blowing up a gas pipeline.
Da da da... Women's restroom.
Da, da da da... Sterling Archer and Lana Kane of ISIS...
Dallas? Aha
Damn it, how much time do we have? For me, usually about 20 minutes.
Damn it, Sterling, she's a double agent. I swear to you I am not.
Damn it, that's my line. Au revoir, suckers!
Damn it. Restarting, in...
Damn it. ARCHER: Ha ha ha.
Damn it. LANA: Archer, look out.
Damn that... Pam! PAM: I'm still not eavesdropping.
Damn. Good God, man, are you hourly?
Damn. Should I put him out of his misery?
Dead. Damn it.
Delaney? Yes?
Did he just crack on my scarf? I think he did
Did I mention I was a cyborg? You did.
Did I? Like four minutes ago?
Did that sound a lot better in your head? Yes, it did.
Did you get a receipt? ARCHER: Of... Of course I did.
Did you have that the whole time? Yes, sir.
Did you say "man crush"? I'm pretty sure it was "shut up."
Did you see me? Yeah.
Did you think it was meat? PAM: L...
Did...? A booby trap blew both his arms off.
Dies. LANA: What?
Do crocodiles even live here? Not "here" here, in the Everglades.
Do I look like I need bald guy cream? No...
Do I mean "prerequisite"? Yeah.
Do you get it? Yes. Look, please.
Do you hear that? What?
Do you not? Nobody can do any work.
Does everyone know about it? Not everyone.
Doesn't matter. I am crazy about her. What?
Doesn't the government own it? I've never been clear on that.
Don't worry about it, just... Lana, I'm in love with you.
Don't worry about it, just... Wait, we should talk about...
Don't worry about it. Open your dish. No, thanks, I'm...
Don't. Don't... Ow! Shit.
Dr. Spelts? Uh...
Drag that up.
Drop it, Spelvin. Oh, Cyril.
Drop it! Drop it! You drop it.
Duh duh duh! Don't touch it. I know...
Duh. You shut up. Shut up.
Dukes! Is it obvious he has a gun?
Dying for a smoke. Yes, of course. Here we are.
Easy. Our mission is to stop an eco terrorist...
Egg on your face. Ugh!
Eh, I don't know. Because you're an idiot.
Eh. Plus, smell that.
Eh. Uh...
Eh. Nice apartment. Thank you, comrade.
Eight gills is way more than I thought. That's why you're so woozy.
Eight years on my secret project, wasted. ARCHER: Hey, whoa, Barry, don't...
Either way, Barry's pretty stoked. Ick.
Especially you, Pam. Holler!
Even if you were, I wouldn't care. Aah. Really?
Everybody's. But Archer wasn't gambling.
Ew. Figure of speech.
Ew. Unh.
Eww. Creepy. Yes, Lieutenant Scripes abhorred...
Exactly, two of you. GILLETTE: Wha...?
Exactly. Wait, was that sarcasm? No, sir.
Excellent. Kazanova.
Exciting, isn't it? Not really, because it's gonna say...
Excuse me? You're rigid and stiff...
Excuse me. BRETT: Oh!
Excuse me. Excuse me. Nope.
Fifty million? Seller's market.
First, get Pam back. But...
Five thousand? For Pam?
For both of you. Mother, I'm not sure I'm ready.
For the love of God, man. You massive asshole.
For which I really need a better title. Oh. How about Citizen Dickbag?
For your information... PAM: A young anything.
Forties? No.
Freaky. I'll tell you what's freaky...
Freeze! Wait, where'd she...? Oh, shit! And we wouldn't want that.
Gator? Talking.
George, there's money in there. Good.
George. Cyril, I've been just a teeny bit...
Give me the gun. No. Why?
Give me. Give me it. Rona, stop. This is a serious... Ow!
Give me. Give me it. What the shit?
Gloucester. Whatever. "Foul play suspected."
Go away. So Lana said to give you this.
Goddamn it, Cyril! CYRIL: Sorry.
Goddamn it, let's just everybody go. MALORY: No.
Gonna be an itchy weekend. It serves you right, Smacky Brown.
Gonna go put it on right now! Then come see me.
Good Jesus, Archer. What, Lana?
Good. Ugh.
Goodbye, Mr. Archer. Hey.
Grandmotherly? No. Old.
Great. Way to keep a low profile. Thanks.
Ha ha ha. But, darling, where will we go?
Ha ha ha. Do you think this is funny?
Ha ha ha. What?
Ha ha ha. "Penetrate deep." BILBO: "Destroy from within."
Ha, ha. I'm kidding. What...?
Ha, ha. What? Archer.
Ha! ...I can change. And you can change.
Ha. Excuse me? I am not sharing a bed.
Ha. What an ass. Right?
Hail, Mary, mother of... BARRY: Unh!
Halt. Make me.
Hand over the bag, Benoit. Balls.
Hang on, that was lame. You killed my men, sure.
Hanging up? It's not worth it, it's just Pam.
Hanging up? It's not worth it, it's just Pam.
Have a CAT scan tomorrow. Unless it's in Russia, you better cancel it.
Have you? Once.
He certainly doesn't have cancer in his fist. He is beating his ass.
He doesn't need to, with a bank like... Not a real bank.
He made me a very attractive offer. Yeah, I bet.
He was four hours late to his own surgery. Yeah. Kind of a late night.
He was just drunk. Aah. CYRIL: Lana, did you hear me?
He... Hey, how did you know that? I don't know, it was just a guess, really.
He'd suffocate. Not the rabbit, idiot, the chip.
He'll have to do it there. ARCHER: Right.
He's not even your real kid. So?
He's your son, not a... Ray, she got him to quit drinking.
Heh, heh. Uh... BRETT: Huh?
Hello, Archer. Barry.
Hello, Mrs...? [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Miss.
Hello? What are you doing?
Hello? SPELTS: Mr. Archer. Hi, Dr. Spelts again.
Hello? WOMAN: May I speak to Chet?
Here we go. Ever since you threw me off a balcony.
Here, Brett, take a ribbon, buddy
Here, hold these? ARCHER: Ray, I said I'm not thirsty.
Here, take this. No, thanks. I'm not thirs... Ow!
Hey, can somebody water my plants? Yes.
Hey, listen, bitch... Dah! Careful.
Hey, now. Sterling, there's radiation treatment...
Hey, seriously, you... Corporal Bishop, the Webley.
Hey, shut up. You shut up.
Hey, stupid. Barry?
Hey, we're just supplying a demand. Yeah, AmPetCo's demand for huge profits.
Hey, what are you doing? What are you doing, making robot birds?
Hey, yeah. Nope.
Hey, you know what...? LANA: Yes, I do.
Hey. I had a mammogram on Friday...
Hey. I'm sorry.
Hi, Mother. We're switching rooms.
Hi. Not a new person.
Hi. I'm, uh... Sterling Archer.
His what? She's not my... No.
Hm. "Mm" what, Krieger?
Holding the baby? Looked like Tyson holding that dove.
Holy shit snacks. Yeah. They said he could've gone pro.
Holy shit, totally forgot about him. I didn't.
Holy shit. Funeral's probably wrapping up.
Holy shitsnacks. What's cancer?
Hooray. Oh, shut up.
How about now? MALORY: Better.
How are we supposed to do that? Well, I could take a crack at it.
How can an airboat be selfish? Nope, can't hear you. I'm too happy.
How did you know? And what's it mean? Because...
How do you forget...? You rub one out, flip back to regular TV...
How do you know? Hm? How...?
How is that supposed to help? It can't hurt.
How long did she say this will last? Four hours.
How long do I keep him on? Two minutes.
How long until Mother sees this? Okay. Ow.
How long was that? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to time it.
How much did he pay you? Fif... Forty thousand?
How much is a...? Archer will be left in a weakened state...
How much? Uh, well, it's hard to say, really.
How much? Uh, well, it's hard to say, really.
How the shit am I supposed to do that? With Krieger's magic breath strips.
How? No idea.
How's it hanging, buddy? Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?
Huh, like Ruth. MAN: Here you go, folks.
Huh. Could've sworn you fired six. Could've blown my foot off.
I actually have no idea. No shit.
I already jotted a bunch down and... Hey, hey, that's great.
I am KGB. Oh. Oh.
I am sorry, Mr. Archer. Goddamn it, I'm...
I am sorry, though. I know that hurts. Argh!
I am the target. LANA: Ugh!
I am unbelievably angry right now. That's good, you should channel that.
I am, actually. Me too. Sterling, l...
I am, if you'd hang on a damn minute. OFFICER: Come on.
I assume you're holding? Holding?
I beg your...? MAN: Disavowed is a spy thriller.
I believe it's squash, sir. L... What are you shoveling it into?
I brained him with the absinthe bottle. Why?
I didn't do anyth... Yes, you did.
I don't feel good. What the hell good are you?
I don't have it. Ugh!
I don't know, maybe five hours? Good, then we've got some time.
I don't understand how this happened. Well, from what I can tell...
I don't wanna use one... Yes.
I don't want you to crush him. I'm gentle.
I don't, don't, don't. And I'm not... ARCHER: Not really qualified.
I forgot about that afro. You know what?
I guess you heard about Ruth. What?
I guess. It just... lf you're uncomfortable...
I have a SEP, smartass. You have a SEP?
I heard you. I know.
I hope your stupid cancer kills you. Oh, yeah? Well, I hope...
I just wanted to show them I could... Them?
I know. You lose. I think your biggest fear is intimacy.
I made mine. KRIEGER: Me too!
I mean, even if we had more shells. You only brought two shells?
I mean, it is the chance of a lifetime, but... Honey, look at me.
I mean, maybe. Great, so maybe he's wounded.
I mean, my God, I was the one who... Was getting all the attention?
I mean, not that you would, but... Next time use the...
I mean... Ugh!
I need six more of these. Why do you need seven?
I need you to not talk to me. I know.
I really like them with a casual suit.
I said by 5 on Friday. Yeah, sorry, the computer was down...
I said it was a rampage. Still, though
I said, do you know...? I'm kidding. Drive the damn car.
I shall check my sewing room. Wait, his what?
I think I see it. Not that.
I think it's a good fit. What?
I think it's a little weird... Right?
I think just those two things, but... But you can still be cured.
I think she said it was a dwarf. And I said that was her last chance.
I think we got this recipe figured out. That was pretty great.
I thought that was fairly obvious. Yeah, yeah, but up that high thing?
I wanna lure Barry. Wrong bait, Ray, he's straight
I was afraid you'd say that. Why? Ow!
I was building to that, but yes. Well, we got plenty of water.
I was trying to get him off, buttinsky. Out.
I wasn't going to. Then...
I will do that. No, I will.
I... SPELVIN: Don't have it in you?
I'd swear to God we already have. Well, that's too bad, Mother.
I'm a sex addict. What the...? That's not even a real thing.
I'm all good. Uh, no, I'm fine.
I'm asking you why. Because he's your son.
I'm going through your stuff. Why are you in my house?
I'm gonna be sick again. Not in here, you're not.
I'm gonna kill you. No.
I'm good. Racist.
I'm lead negotiator. LANA: No, you're not.
I'm listening, sir. Woodhouse...
I'm not complaining. See?
I'm not taking his side. Oh, my God.
I'm not, I swear. This is about... Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing.
I'm sorry? It's not your fault, Lana.
I'm sorry? MAN [OVER PHONE]: You should be.
I'm sorry. How can you cheat on Lana bareback?
I'm sorry. That sounded like no. Lana, she has to research her role.
I'm telling your mother. Telling her what?
I'm warning you. Shoot him, Cyril. But just him.
I've been here since 6. Rowr.
Idiots. Surrounded by nothing but... What the hell is your problem?
Ignore him. ARCHER: Oh, my God.
In gift bags. ARCHER & LANA: Oh.
In that inky black water. Into which we are currently sinking.
In the stock market? Sure.
Is drunk. Ah.
Is it as idiotic as your other plan? That's how brainstorming works, Lana.
Is it working? Yes, so take it off.
Is that a lot? Maybe not to you, Glenda Gotrocks.
Is that better? Barely.
Is that brandy? Oh, no, sir. Just water.
Is that helping? Fricking Lana. Stop.
Is that some kind of joke? Is that?
Isn't he perfect? Aye. That he is.
It actually is a billion dollars. Oh.
It does that? Yep, and if you need more, let me know.
It is, but... Don't do that. I am so...
It really is an emergency. Of an awesome and ass kicky nature.
It so wasn't. I said I was sorry.
It wasn't exactly planned, Lana. Okay, shut up, but...
It won't be. Everything's comped. Because they expect you to gamble.
It's a party. It's a baby shower...
It's a piece of furniture. So I'd be, like, the what?
It's Canada. Don't you see?
It's cold in here. TREXLER: Because she's here.
It's fine, please excuse me. My Mother's...
It's for you, sir. Duh
It's understandable from you, Lana... Hah!
It's your house. This is your house.
Jesus. Probably why I've been in a great mood.
Just get straight on out. Oh, come on.
Just give that another go. Good man.
Just gonna softball it in like that? Mawp... What?
Just hit "tab." Idiot. Oh.
Just open it up and look. At what, Cyril?
Just what a double agent would say. Stay back.
Katharine. Whichever Hepburn. She was the queen.
Katya. Unh! She's not in here, dumbass.
Keep it in your pants, sister. Ha ha ha.
Kidnappers got Cheryl. Dukes.
Kidnappers. LANA: Wha...?
Krieger's one of the boys from Brazil. Duh!
L... Oh, my God, you are such a hypocrite.
Lady, you don't scare me. Dear, this is a.44 Magnum.
Lana Kane? No.
Lana, did you see my scarf? Yes, Archer, I saw your scarf.
Lana, hijacking. Damn it, it's not a hi...
Lana, how can you do that? Um, by getting drunk.
Lana, please. I'm not having sex with Barry.
Lana! What?
Lana! Aah! What?
Lana. Give her the rabbit, Lennie.
Lana. Yes?
Last year, I took home almost 200 grand. ARCHER & LANA: Eh.
Len and I have a lot to talk about. Like selling ISIS out from under us?
Len, what's going on? TREXLER: You're mean.
Len! Yeah, do you know where he is?
Lesson one... Don't "lesson one" me.
Let's go drink some kudos. Yeah, let's do that.
Lf I wanted to hit her, I could have. Well, yeah, she is huge.
Lf they're even in the casino. Well, where else would they be, Ray?
Lf you are similarly mine... What?
Lf you'd brought enough food... I wouldn't have beer.
Lf your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle. What?
lf? But were the DNA results...? Inconclusive.
Like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp. LANA: Uh...
Like a little Archer G.I. Joe. Mm hm.
Like alcohol's effect on the brain? No, like the reaction between...
Like Burt Reynolds in White Lightning. Great, just...
Like how there's no sink in there. So, what if there's no..
Like that day at the fur store. Yeah.
Like, I've never been to Rome. What? Yes, you have.
Like, just, just now? Yep.
Little pissed off, actually. That's understandable
Look at it for more than half a second. I wired the damn thing, ass.
Look out. What are...? No!
Look, as long as it's for the greater good. Oh, it is.
Look, I said I was sorry. No, you didn't.
Look, shut up and... That is some high priced MILF.
Look... Take the money back.
Lot of Portuguese in Rhode Island. Where you're from.
Make me. Zip it, you two.
Make sure that's all you put in him. Sorry, what?
Malory Archer's chair
Malory. All right.
Malory. I'm sorry, dear.
Malory. You know what?
Mawp, mawp, mawp. Yeah. Stop. Quit doing that.
Maybe it's in your vagina, right? What is?
Maybe some nesting dolls of my penis. Ick.
Me too. Seriously?
Merely an added precaution... ARCHER: Is that metric?
Mine. But I already spent...
Miracles. Argh!
Mm hm. Or never, probably, knowing you.
Mm, no. Well, then a little dose won't hurt.
Mm. RONA: It really pulls the toxins out.
More rubber cement. And SIGINT said to give this to you.
Mother pays you? Yes, sir, and...
Mother, come on, you... You're off your nut...
Mother, I've done this tons of times. Wha...? With ISIS money?
My cancer surgery. Yeah.
My eyes still hurt pretty bad. Too bad.
My God, what year is this? I know, right?
My money isn't.
Name the douchebag who's in charge. Vincent Van Go **** yourself.
Nice extinguisher. Thank you, comrade.
No way. You have to.
No, Archer, stop. Hello...
No, because... That's what I always did.
No, but... Or bass or whatever. What's in here?
No, hush, I'm trying to fish. No, don't shoot the fish.
No, I brought shitloads, thank you. Well, where are they?
No, I didn't give it to him, but... Ass.
No, I didn't say that. SPELVIN: Well, somebody must have.
No, I didn't! That is pathetic.
No, I didn't. MALORY: Oh, even for you.
No, I guess it wouldn't be Mother's. No, sir, it was her mother's.
No, I guess it wouldn't be Mother's. No, sir, it was her mother's.
No, I meant like for her face. CHERYL: Choke me.
No, it's not any kind of black. Racist.
No, l... Not even some vinegar and water?
No, little kids get cancer. Oh, they do.
No, no, no. Really super expensive.
No, no, no. Lana. It's dry ice. Ow!
No, not me, all those field agents. Ugh!
No, she didn't. She absolutely certainly did, Ray.
No, the moment's ruined. We're ruined.
No, you have actual egg on your face. What? Unh!
No. Bama McCall?
No. Maybe it was an ice cube.
No. Me neither. Wow. Again, small...
No. Nope.
No. We must fortify our position.
No. Well, whatever, check this out, I sto...
No. Yes.
No. Do you, though. Yes.
No. I wanna be here, in case he... Don't.
No. No. Yes. Yes.
No. You swallowed a pool ball? I wish just one.
Nope. Come on, I told you mine.
Nope. Come on.
Nope. Nope. Lana. Did I mention I have cancer?
Not anymore. What in the...?
Not for your parents' funeral. Well, I don't know all your rules.
Not Granny gets jungle fever. Huh! Get out.
Not that, ass. ARCHER: What?
Not the medical kind. Not even the other kind.
Not to mention Gator. Archer.
Not you, Mr. Bloodmobile. Ha, ha, he got shot again.
Now you've got tons of time. Oh, shut up.
Now, there's a Pinch Two. That's pretty good.
Nude. Wanted to stay loose.
Obviously. And we've always dreamed...
Obviously. Oh.
ODIN? Oh, yeah.
Of Africa. Yeah.
Of course I did, sir. I'm a... Fag?
Of what? Of money
Of? Rhode Island.
Oh, and Woodhouse? Uh, yes, sir?
Oh, and you have to start keeping a journal. Uh...
Oh, Christ! LANA: Ugh.
Oh, come on. Oh, here we go.
Oh, damn it. Way to go, stupid.
Oh, does he? Who am I, Count Bulletsula?
Oh, don't be dicks. MALORY: What?
Oh, don't worry, I'm gonna shoot you. Ha, ha. No, you're not.
Oh, for the... We're meeting Lachouffe in two hours.
Oh, for... What the shit, Woodhouse? L...
Oh, God. LANA: I think he gets it.
Oh, great, there better be more of those. Sky marshal, drop your weapon!
Oh, guess who that is. Really?
Oh, here we go. ...10 minutes.
Oh, hey, where's Cyril? CYRIL: Extradited?
Oh, I touched my mother's dildo. GILLETTE: You should've borrowed these.
Oh, I'm sorry I called you an idiot, Lana. LANA: Ha, ha. Yeah?
Oh, it's just over there on the server. ARCHER: Where's the...?
Oh, listen to you, Mr. Judgy. What?
Oh, man. Ah.
Oh, my God, do you have snacks? No.
Oh, my God, I hate him so much. What a dick.
Oh, my God, strong and sexy. Gotta get by.
Oh, my God, that's depressing. Sorry.
Oh, my God, this is gonna be... ARCHER: Don't say it. I swear to God.
Oh, my God. Like a jackhammer.
Oh, my God. Plus now I'm going to die alone.
Oh, my God. That's awful.
Oh, my God. What the heck was that all about?
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
Oh, my God. MALORY: And if that weren't enough...
Oh, my God. That's you. Yes, it's me.
Oh, no, sir, not a pilot. A batman. Uh...
Oh, no. Please, Miss Archer, l... Wha...? Don't flatter yourself.
Oh, right, like you're one to talk. Yeah, Pillbo Baggins.
Oh, shit, really? Yo, ew!
Oh, shit! CYRIL: Lana.
Oh, shit. Probably hydraulic fluid.
Oh, shut up. Make me.
Oh, sorry, l... Twenty Two Squadron, RFC.
Oh, Sterling has it. What?
Oh, thank God. Yeah, good.
Oh, that is bullshit. Really?
Oh, that you didn't get, did you? No.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, and I advocate its use.
Oh, yes, absolutely. Without killing the person?
Oh, you are shitting me. I know, right?
Oh, you don't... would risk his career...
Oh, you guys are so sweet. I made that.
Oh, you know what I mean. Do I?
Oh, you're just a dirty stomp around. Yeah, that's what society calls it.
Oh! "How is she?" I don't know, you tell me.
Oh! What?
Oh! Holy shit! Yes.
Oh. "Oh."
Oh. And then you know where this goes.
Oh. Duh.
Oh. Once in, give this to Spelvin.
Oh. Yeah.
Oh. But he's such a douche bag. I know, dear. But he's also my son.
Oh. How much? Quarter mil.
Oh. Sorry, Archer. ARCHER: Lana, no.
Okay, cue visual. Roger, cueing visual.
Okay, he's out. How's Krieger doing? Not great.
Okay, I get it. Do you?
Okay, is Mother in? Oh, she's in there, all right.
Okay, kid. He is a kid, Archer.
Okay, Krieger? Yes.
Okay, no. But...
Okay, what's your second biggest fear? God, will you just...?
Okay. Oh, my God.
Okay. So, what will it take for you to release her?
Okay. Take me with you.
Okay. What do I do, what do I do?
Okay. Where...? Archer, where are you going?
One eighty three, fat boy. Whatever. Tell that to my silk socks.
One is inclined to ask how. I happen to be a kick ass accountant.
One million dollars. Well, you can divide that by four.
Ooh, do you guys have any snacks? ARCHER: Here.
Ooh, really? Which is super bad for you.
Ooh. What should we call it? Dick Sledge.
Or something maybe else... That's actually the only thing...
Or where. Yeah. Mexico's pretty big.
Or whom. Oh, Barry, how's your shattered femur?
Ow! Type! Nerd.
Ow! What the shit, Archer? ARCHER: Oh. Uh oh.
Paging Dr. Loggins. Couple things.
Pam, you're the amorphous Rasta blob. Big ups.
Pam! PAM: I'm not eavesdropping.
Pam! PAM: What?
Pam. I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm good.
Pam. No, you don't. Pam.
Pam. Your mom's got breast cancer.
Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam. Pam.
Pamela, cool runnings, man. God, would you give it a rest, um...?
Papers? Uh...
Peggy? I can't believe it, it's such a relief.
Personal best. LANA: Your mother must be so proud.
Phrasing. But you better not mess this up.
Please, please, don't hate me. Uh...
Plus if they do, I'll shoot Carol. What?
Plus they're gagged. Still.
Pound, pound, six... You're hitting star.
Pound, pound, six... You're hitting star.
Prepaid, huh? Yes, sir
Pressure builds until it explodes. How long does that take?
Pretty dumb taking a bath with it. Sterling, I'm warning you.
Pretty sexy, picture it. I have to take care of something.
Pretty succinct. Guess you guys have lots in common.
Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists. No, they didn't.
Prick. ...said liter was never...
Probably holding it wrong. Yeah.
Prove it. They're right there, duh.
Prove it. What's to prove? It's free labor.
Rabbert Klein. Rabbert Klein.
Ray, that's where you come in. ARCHER: Ew.
Real numbnuts. What? We're all thinking it.
Really? No, look at that thing.
Really? No.
Really? Yeah, but...
Really? Yeah, used those exact words.
Really. Yep, see?
Recycling old batteries. Exactly. Don't we do that already?
Regis is the best. No, Ruth, you're the best.
Reserve this, Treebeard. Oh, please, it's not even loaded.
Right after I set up the grill. Will you just...?
Right, like the time her ocelot was sick? Well...
Right? I mean, I think so.
Right? You can't tattoo a freaking baby.
Rita. And you said you'd call me. Really? To both statements?
Roll it down. For all of...
Roll it down. We're hiding in plain sight.
Same thing your mother's doing. Hey.
Screw the damn ecosystem. Shoot! You are such a hypocrite.
See? What?
See? Physically impossible. Does monsieur require anything else?
Seriously, Pam. Okay, Clone Wars.
Seriously? Breast cancer? ARCHER: Yes.
She owes me $3700. For what?
She what? CHERYL: Pam
She's..
Shit snacking crackers. Oh, that thieving bastard.
Shit, I'm out. I am also out.
Shoot Pam.
Shut up. You. I'm trying to catch us some dinner.
Shut up. Hi, Josh. Hello, Lana.
Shut up. You're under... Arrest. Bam!
Since I can't catch beer... Or a fish.
Since you refuse to help... You don't need help to get drunk.
Sir, can you find your seat for me? Uh, yeah, it's right there.
Sir? Have you got one?
Sir? It doesn't matter, Woodhouse.
Sir? That's probably the nicest thing...
Situation.
Six percent, really? Yeah, so would you lay off?
Smells like rotten meat. Also, yes.
So all ashore from the S.S. Date ****. Toot, toot.
So all this time, you wanted... To marry you.
So Barry, you ass. BARRY: Yeah?
So don't do it. RONA: I know, right? Is that crazy?
So don't try to do anything stupid. I don't have to try.
So glossing over why you broke your arm... So he'd sign my cast.
So guess we can skip all this, huh? Well, we're here, machine's on...
So how can Trinette afford ODIN? Barry.
So how is this going? Not great.
So how's this going? MALORY: Not great.
So I suggest you take your bull dyke..
So if the gator poop water is too dirty... Yeah, we need distilled water.
So if you could...? Oh, sorry.
So she had a lot of...? You kidding?
So technically, I saved the pipeline. Yeah, you're the best.
So they say. Hmm.
So what? MALORY: What...?
So you could wait for the batteries to die. Okay, yeah, that's...
So you wouldn't wanna marry her? No, no, please.
So, like, never. Yeah.
So, what you're saying, she's... Using you, you dumb idiot.
So, what's next? Do you do chemo or...? Boop.
So, yes, I will be happy to help you. What?
So? So he's gross.
So? Sometimes I like to treat myself. Well, sometimes I like to ovulate.
So... And also mine, yes.
So... So, what?
So... Well, he can use it as a blankie.
Some kind of dry ice bomb? Ugh! Yes, ruiner of explanations.
Some what? Balloon breasted bimbo? Hey.
Somebody shoot her. Oh, okay.
Soon we will be married, yes? Very soon, my little cherry blossom.
Sorry, what's that? Miss it.
Sorry. Well, you should be.
Sorry. COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch.
Speaking of fifth... A drink's the last thing you need.
Speaking of mess, your birdbot is leaking. My what?
Spelvin. SPELVIN: But what?
Sploosh. Jinx.
Spy comedy? What? No.
Sterling Archer of... Yeah. Of ISIS.
Sterling, what did he say? The cancer...
Sterling. What the shit?
Sterling. ARCHER: What?
Still pretty hot. Will you shut up?
Stop calling me that. Stop being a fricking jillionaire.
Stop. What?
Suck it, cancer! Hooray.
Super scared. Not really.
Take a picture. Shut up.
Talk to me. SPELTS: Mr. Archer? Dr. Spelts...
Tell me. Some of that lettuce.
Thank God you're all right, sir. God and my twin Vickers, Woodhouse.
Thank you
Thank you, thank you. Uh huh.
Thanks for stealing our 401(k) money. L...
Thanks for the lotion. Ray, we can do this.
Thanks, Dr. Ben. Next. What's a gill?
Thanks, Mother. MALORY: Oh, shu... Aah!
That "beaner" is a pejorative term for a Mexican.
That a KGB agent wants to come to ISIS...
That and a genetic predisposition toward... WOODHOUSE: Ants!
That crazy... Yeah
That might be a problem. You think?
That was a gift. Shut up.
That was the best you could do? Shut up.
That would actually be a win win for me. Shut up.
That's a lot of scalps. Could've made a blanket.
That's just a voice modulator. Uh, hello?
That's kind of more Pam's department. Who is also late
That's the spirit. Who else? SOLDIER: Yeah. I'm in.
That's totally not irie. Then why don't you go back to Jamaica?
That's where you come in. Bad writing.
That's, like, a thousand miles away. Three years ago, they caught a 9 foot croc...
The African Queen was the boat. No, it was Audrey...
The bunny and lettuce? Can we give Lenny the rabbit?
The computer worm. What...?
The first time you said I was cured! Wait.
The Grand Prix. They could have both, Lana.
The KGB faked her file, Mother. Oh, whatever.
The museum or the opera? Either.
The Nazis invented Neil Armstrong? Rockets.
The only joke is my bank statement. What?
The sale isn't final yet, Barry. No, but it will be.
The tontine. Oh.
The unholy abomination of metal fused with flesh which now stands before you.
The what? German scalps.
The what? Hopefully...
The what? Thanks, Cyril.
The what? Yes, the what, dear.
The...? Yeah. That's what we're talking about.
Then if that is not Sterling, where is he? Ha ha ha.
Then it was drill, baby, drill. Oh, my God.
Then pull over, Lana. No, we're late.
Then tell me your genius plan. Rob the casino.
Then why did you send that note? What note?
There was some mild gawkiness, but... Which you've never got over...
There. Damn.
There's a battery backup. Yeah. Over there.
There's a zoo here? LANA: Wow, okay.
There's no secret. We were just... Mother, pardon me, sorry, one second.
There's really no way to be sure. What am I supposed to do?
There's your Pinch Two. So I'll just be taking these.
These are from a doctor. So? Krieger's a doctor.
They come from... The brain.
They could be here any minute. Who, ISIS?
They could not have saved it.
They don't eat people. They eat people all the time.
They don't... Sarasota County, Florida.
They gotta be in the building, right? MALORY [OVER PHONE]: Probably.
They only took a bit of blood. Quit being such a baby.
This heading, one mile. Whoo!
This is highly classified covert ops. Yes. Covert ops.
This is the real thing, Rona. Which is why it's a job for a man.
This is why I did not wanna do this. Oh.
This isn't, you know, um, good, but... Excuse me.
This one. Ugh.
This shit's pretty tight, man. Oh, I can let it out
Three hundred bucks. Damn it.
Three point two million dollars? I've been really streaky, Ray.
Three years ago, Dade County... Archer!
Threw me off a roof, twice.
To never confide in you? There you go.
To who? MAN: Or whom.
Toast, damn you. No.
Toast. Jeezy petes, with you people.
Tons of cock porn laying around? I don't have cock porn just laying around.
Touch it, Barry. Uh, no.
Trinette, that was amazing. Yeah, well, you know...
Turtlenecks. I invented the turtleneck. MALORY: Look.
Twenty five grand? Apiece? Bonne chance.
Two weeks. MAN: You got a week.
Ugh, deaf people are gross. Not as gross as the hook hand ones.
Ugh! That totally stinks. Eh. You were on borrowed time anyway.
Ugh. Although...
Ugh. Yeah, I'm actually totally off board.
Ugh. What? CYRIL [OVER PHONE]: Nice.
Ugh... And then zing.
Uh huh. Prancing around in their stirrup pants.
Uh huh. Yeah, I bet. And second of all...
Uh uh uh. Here. You want me to take a baby. To a murder.
Uh, actually, so am I. Dukes, me too.
Uh, ahem. Anyhoo... Ooh, I think I see a duke.
Uh, Archer. His life may very well depend on it.
Uh, Benoit. Ha ha ha.
Uh, but you're a man. And then some.
Uh, do what, how what? ARCHER: Hey, Carol, what's his name?
Uh, it's just... It's hard to picture you as a young actress.
Uh, let's see, what else? Tom Collins, try not to drown it.
Uh, lgor. Yes?
Uh, no, not a trace. What...?
Uh, okay. There's a nice way to do that. Ugh. Will you just...?
Uh, yeah. We tried that. MALORY: What...?
Uh... Peggy?
Uh... I haven't. Ooh, you have to read it.
Uhn! Depends. You learn anything? Oh, God, yes. I did.
Um, okay. Or actually, can I have all of it?
Um... Pretty big difference.
Undercover? Wha...? Of course undercover.
Unh, unh. Oh, you son of a whore. Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
Unh! Ow!
Unh! KIDNAPPER BOSS: Damn it.
Unh. How the hell would he know?
Unmarked bills, uh, non sequential. Just keep him on the line.
Usually? Less if I take two.
Very funny. Thank you.
Voilà. MALORY: No.
Wait a minute! So kudos, buddy.
Wait, are you sure? Of course I'm sure, I'm a doctor.
Wait, don't tell me he just now jumped. Yep.
Wait, hang on. Hang on. Jeannie! What?
Wait, hang on... All the trouble you put us through.
Wait, it's just Spelvin up there, right? Um...
Wait, Lana? Yeah.
Wait, Lana? Yeah.
Wait, no, no, no. Ow, ow.
Wait, no... You can use one of my old ones.
Wait, seriously don't open it? GILLETTE [OVER RADIO]: Yes
Wait, son. Now, just wait a second. Another key difference is the pin.
Wait, what? Don't engage her.
Wait, what? It pulls all the toxins out of your body...
Wait, what? Now you just listen to me, bub...
Wait, who is this? Rita.
Wait, who's they? WOMAN: Hello, Archer.
Waiting for him? My God, he'll... BISHOP: Never know what hit him.
Want me to freshen that up? Try not to drown it.
Want to kidnap Pam?
War hero? Oh, let's not...
Was really taking off.
Water? Water.
We all gotta do what we all gotta do. You wouldn't hate me for it?
We can get married right here. Really? Ha, ha.
We can talk after your surgery. Right? Mm hm.
We don't have all night. Like you've got plans.
We figure out a way to get our 401(k) money back.
We grabbed a bear claw. Rowr.
We look totally gay. I am gay.
We square? SOLDIER: Halt.
We take a blood sample from Archer. Blood?
We'll jump it. Uh, no, we won't.
We're doing it before. After. Non negotiable, Barry.
We're gonna go to prison. No, we're not.
We're on a mission too. Da da da...
Well played, sir. Thank you.
Well, **** your dolphin, Pam. Archer, she's down
Well, and scared. Well, more drunk.
Well, Cyril? We did it. Yeah, we kind of did, didn't we?
Well, did you at least hit the gator? I don't know.
Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's... Hey.
Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage. Still, though.
Well, he does actually have cancer. Well, he didn't get it from me.
Well, I'm not. Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Well, if it isn't Chet Manley. Yeah. And is... I wanna say Peggy?
Well, if you don't shut it off... She'll know somebody was in here.
Well, is it or isn't it? I don't know.
Well, just tighten your belt. My belt?
Well, let me see, it's pretty big... What is the floor plan?
Well, like I said... No. Literally, I don't believe you.
Well, okay, then sell it back to me. Can't.
Well, people in hell want ice water. What?
Well, sorry, that money's gone. What do you...?
Well, that's great but... NOLA.
Well, that's no good. Uh...
Well, then it wasn't meant to be. Ha ha ha.
Well, then why did you...? I want to help you escape, Sterling Archer.
Well, then, it was just me and you. KATYA: Me and you.
Well, they find the baby... Aah! Don't tell me.
Well, too bad. But...
Well, unless there's a sniper in it. Well, somebody's in it.
Well, we obviously don't want you to... Violate the first law of robotics.
Well, what about the intravenous drug? Right, yes, the cyclophosphamate.
Well, what genius thought that up? Uh...
Well, whatever. Working vacation. Ugh.
Well. Yeah.
Were you? They don't know what goes on here.
Wh...? Ugh. LANA: And mine.
Wha... Tum again?
Wha...? Aah!
Wha...? I'm kidding. Look at me.
Wha...? Okay, I'm done masturbating. Goodbye.
Wha...? That way they comp everything.
What about Sterling? SPELTS: Oh, right.
What am I smelling, Barry? Nothing yet.
What an asshole. Yep.
What are they gonna do, kneecap you? What...?
What are we doing? Locking down ISIS.
What are you doing to me? Shut up.
What are you eating? Ackee and saltfish.
What are you talking about? I'll pray for you, Cheryl.
What did I tell you on Friday? I was gonna come in this weekend...
What did we get, Barry, like six blocks? Roll the goddamn window down.
What do you know about dry cleaning? I know you owe me 3 grand.
What do you mean? Is that not self explanatory?
What does that mean? Well, it's not good, obviously, so...
What exactly is your point?
What is that? Fish paralyzer.
What is wrong with you? Bitch, I got ants all over me.
What is wrong with you? I can't help it, it's like a disease.
What is wrong with you? I obviously don't...
What the hell is that? What the hell does it look like, Lana?
What the hell was that? Ugh!
What the hell was that? Who knows?
What the hell? No, darling. I wasn't doing anything, l...
What the shit, Barry? What? We don't have any peppers.
What the...? Hey! MALORY: What the hell is this?
What was his name again? NURSE: Mr. Archer?
What was it? My bug out bag. It was right here.
What, what? What, what?
What, what? MALORY: Pam!
What, why me? You're good at math.
What, you're holding my suits hostage? Collateral.
What? [IN MODULATED VOICE] I know you do.
What? Because, boy, did I pull a boner...
What? Big money.
What? Don't ask.
What? For the Pimps and Ho's Ball...
What? Fun! Oh, you mean literally.
What? He must have had 50 of them.
What? He took what where?
What? He's younger.
What? I don't want you to do it, Sterling.
What? I have a 401(k)?
What? I know you didn't plan on this baby...
What? I lied, I didn't wire it
What? I should've waited...
What? Is there one?
What? Nothing.
What? Oh, you are full of shit.
What? Only by the strictest legal definition.
What? Ow!
What? Ruth.
What? She's living with you?
What? She's not gay, she just has big hands.
What? Stop. Not helping.
What? Sugar?
What? What happened to 30 seconds?
What? What?
What? Which, even for you, pretty pathetic.
What? Yeah. So, what did you learn?
What? CHERYL: She's who you want.
What? Cheryl? CHERYL: Yes.
What? KATYA: What?
What? KRIEGER: I'm kidding.
What? LANA: What are you doing?
What? LANA: What?
What? More than that, I bet. Seller's market.
What? No. Slightly darker black?
What? Nothing. Lf you're texting about my...
What? Popeye? POPEYE: Mm hm.
What? Why'd you have a knife? I didn't.
What? You think that's funny? [SINGSONG] Ba dum dum zing!
What's a gill? The bank will be surrounded...
What's not? Your stance, you're fighting yourself.
What's on that disk, anyway? None of your beeswax.
What's up with your will these days? CHERYL: Oh, my God.
What's up? You disgusting little sneak.
Whatever. Well, you do the best you can.
When that Hun bastard dove in from behind.
When you thought you were dying? Oh, right.
When you totally shouldn't be. Ha, ha, I'm not.
Where are you taking him? I don't know.
Where are you? MALORY: Oh, for... In here, you half wit!
Where did you get counterfeit bonds? Don't open it.
Where is she? Who knows?
Where will we go?
Where you disappeared without a trace. I guess I found my calling.
Which I'm only doing for the wetlands. Wetlands, profits, whatever.
Which is exactly why I need you. You...
Which is why we want to change the title... MAN: To what, Mandingo II?
Which you also ruined. You ruined my life.
Which, obviously, a working title. We have watched it.
Who was...? She's got a weapon. Drop it.
Who you talking to? Nobody. Phone sex.
Who? The nurse?
Who's Dicky? My brother.
Who's your agent, by the way? He's not taking new clients.
Whoa! Somebody's got a full diaper, huh? KRIEGER: Me too!
Why are we screaming? Do you know who you are?
Why are you doing that? Hello.
Why are you wearing silk socks? Is that a joke?
Why did you let them in my house? Well...
Why do I have to carry the toilets? You know why.
Why do you care what he's wearing? Oh, my God.
Why do you even work at ISIS? Why do you?
Why is that who named like me? TRINETTE: Why do you think?
Why is this a subpoena? It's for the paternity test.
Why not? Because it's just not believable...
Why the hell were you drinking? Uh, hello?
Why would anyone... In the world.
Why would somebody tie up the guards? Duh. So they could rob the...
Why, just this tray of... Don't bullshit me, you old dope fiend.
Why, this is Seamus McGoon Ster... No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer.
Why? Because I'm way behind on my treatment.
Why? So I can go past you.
Why? To, um, give him my blessing...
With a B? Followed by an "illion."
Woodhouse, dear. Yes, mum.
Woodhouse. ...that you can do
Worse. Now... Okay, see? You ruined it.
Worst case, he's head of the KGB. Yeah?
Would vomit, too tired. Oh, shut up.
Would you just...? Yeah.
Wow, so this is pretty serious, huh? Well, Archer's being tortured...
Wow, speaking of disastrous... Speaking of shut up.
Wow, that's actually better. Yeah, it's all yours.
Wow, you seem kind of different. Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?
Wow. "Wow" what?
Wow. Lana, shut up.
Yeah, I didn't. Hey, you know what...?
Yeah, it hurt like crazy. No, no, about this, about us.
Yeah, it was... And where the hell was she?
Yeah, it's pretty big
Yeah, Lana, it's called cancer. And also drug abuse.
Yeah, let me just grab my cooler and... Not you, ass.
Yeah, right. My luck's not that good. MAN: Aah. Ew.
Yeah, she's crazy. You're crazy.
Yeah, sounds like a win win. Just get out there and do your job.
Yeah, thanks, this is only mohair. Irie.
Yeah, the carpet in there is gross. No, trading sex for this job.
Yeah, until you blow the damn engine, so... Lana!
Yeah, we are code blue here. Hey, yeah, blue. Like for baby boys.
Yeah, well, what about your father? No, he was a scientist.
Yeah, what? MALORY: Hm?
Yeah, where were you? The cafeteria.
Yeah, why don't you have another one? Well, somebody's got to.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah. Here, take two.
Yeah. How do you feel?
Yeah. Morris chairs, that kind of stuff.
Yeah. The twins are quite fond of you.
Yeah. They crisscross the nation, Lana.
Yeah. He might be my father. Wh...? Ha, ha.
Yeah. LANA: Archer.
Yeah. Not a bumblebee, is it? No.
Yeah. So about my Vegas problem... Yes. The Vegas problem.
Yeah. So can we go home, or... Absolutely.
Yeah. So everything's back to normal. KRIEGER: Is it?
Yeah. So listen. Some lamps.
Yep, you're the best. Thank you.
Yep. Jesus. He give you the money?
Yes, but... Wh...? Why?
Yes, I will save you, darling. No, no, no, don't. Katya!
Yes, it is! Wha...?
Yes, now. Damn it, Lana, I said not...
Yes, ODIN. Why would ODIN wanna buy...?
Yes, sir. ...devising bizarre punishment for you.
Yes, that's why I'm... And that I am now awaiting results...
Yes? Well, that explained a lot.
Yes. Even her?
Yes. We're still in the lead.
You are a sexy, empowered woman. Mmm.
You are also shitfaced. I can be both.
You ass. What?
You better not. Oh, my God.
You dated Mr. Archer forever. And you have nothing to show for it.
You dated Mr. Archer forever. And you have nothing to show for it.
You did once. By accident. Mostly.
You didn't bring any water? Where would I put it?
You don't know me. Ha ha ha.
You got a better idea? Hang on, hang on.
You guys, look at his little spots. How much are you...
You have a lot of guns. And a knife.
You have no idea when that's gonna go off? How could I?
You idiot asshole. Sorry.
You just said you could. Won't, then. Whatever.
You know how bad that is for eardrums? What?
You know what else is great? Colonics. Shut up.
You know what...? Oh, and a bespoke Turnbull & Asser shirt.
You know, I mean, I drink socially, but... MALORY: Ha!
You know... What?
You love her. TREXLER: No, no, no. Ick!
You mean bailiwick? I don't know, whatever.
You meddling ass. Me?
You might've missed your shot at Delaney. Well, then now this is happening.
You really do, don't you? And always have.
You really wanna take on the Irish mob? No, I don't.
You said they were sexy. Ninjas are sexy.
You said you had a plan. My plan is to crowdsource a plan.
You said you were here for us. I am, dear.
You saw Mother's vagina? WOODHOUSE: Hmm?
You scoundrel. Is that brandy? Thought you'd like a pick me up, sir.
You shut up, Mr. Pam's Not Worth lt. ARCHER: Um...
You suck at everything. Oh, it's not his fault, he just...
You sure about that? Yup.
You wanna...? No, but it's like sour milk.
You watch. No, you guys should totally do that.
You were gonna say "illegitimate child." No, I was going to say "bastard."
You were saying? You get him drunk.
You what? There.
You. Get your fricking hands up. You're not my supervisor.
You'd still be about three zeros short. What?
You're a moped. Huh.
You're already loaded. What if I weren't?
You're bleeding him dry. Seriously, how much is a liter?
You're bringing this on yourself. Oh!
You're Chet Manley now. I don't wanna be Chet Manley.
You're gonna get Pam back, right? After you sign that contract.
You're in huge trouble. Yes, sir.
You're in the KGB? L... No.
You're just doing this to spite me. And?
You're just set on doing this, huh? SPELVIN: Yes, we are.
You're kidding. PAM: No.
You're not my supervisor! God.
You're not our supervisor. Shut up.
You're not still into that guy? No. But he's out there...
You're not using them. I am.
You're really gonna leave me out here? LANA: Yup.
You're really not scared, are you? No.
You've only been here 20 minutes. Wow. Seemed way longer than that.
Your dad is gonna love it. I hope so.
Your friend is dead. What?
Your friends. Well, they're not really my friends.
Your money? And yours, and dickbrain's here.
Your plan include finding some? Yes, but...
Your son... Shh, shh, shh. No, no.
Yup. That's breast cancer. What?
Zima? What...?
Zing. And, Mother, we had a deal.
Zoo? Ici? Go, dumbass.
Tastic.
...a post Jacuzzi female companion, and for somebody to get up here...
...a very select few ISIS personnel to fill some of the impending vacancies.
...a woman's perspective like I can.
...about a jillion more times, Lana, see if that helps
...about how to introduce your mother to a hooker.
...after the exchange.
...against the systematic **** of Mother Nature.
...along with a blood sample from the wee baby Seamus...
...although it's extremely rare. Yeah, and also hereditary.
...and a couple of contacts in the KGB wouldn't hurt.
...and a fun, sexy little molecule I like to call dihydrogen monoxide.
...and a side of crawfish étouffée? I'm not sure I'm gonna like it.
...and about, say, 80 computers for your clubhouse?
...and C, there's this new thing the kids are doing called shutting the damn door.
...and crash landed out in No Man's Land.
...and Dicky and I have been planning this trip ever since, and...
...and fold his towels into swans.
...and I get mosquitoes and no beer and not laid. How could this get any...?
...and I haven't had a vacation in forever.
...and I spilled g**** Tang on her stupid flokati rug.
...and I think I can sell them on a rewrite if you fix it.
...and I was trying to beat my record for cramming pool balls in my mouth...
...and I'm the only one you can trust.
...and if he's not there, you go straight to Moscow.
...and it's full of fake passports and mustaches.
...and kind of be the hero for once, that didn't happen.
...and my mouth is killing me. You stuffed four pool balls in it.
...and my new neurologist, I am doing no such thing.
...and nobody even tries to rescue me?
...and now it seems his chickens have come home to roost. Bawk, bawk.
...and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria.
...and quite frankly, you're insulting me. Now, open your dish.
...and replace your blood with someone else's.
...and sexiness to my character...
...and Sterling is going to be completely cured.
...and that baby was you, baby. Yeah, pretty hot, huh?
...and the IV stuff is literally 2 grand a bag...
...and the just shit tons of weed..
...and the last survivor collects the capital and interest.
...and they found something.
...and use your leathery skin as a replacement.
...and we know where the pipeline is.
...and we only have 1 million.
...and we'll wait for that big, fat, stupid gator to come back.
...and we're on a mission to stop an eco terrorist...
...and you idiots are tying up ISIS resources on high school bullshit.
...and you just feel, ahh, so clean.
...and you people shut up and ingest them and watch Terms of Enrampagement.
...and your hands are so damn big.
...and, oh, they're really burning up the streets of Monte Carlo.
...and, uh, your medical marijuana. Oh, you poor thing.
...and, um, that way's not looking too good.
...and, wow, how you holding up?
...anyone's ever done for me. Oh, well.
...are being murdered.
...as double agents.
...at the Grand Prix, because look here now.
...because "Red Barchetta" through a 10 gigawatt preamp is...
...because crybaby hit on 17 again.
...because he is not sold separately.
...because he thinks Jakov might be his father.
...because I'm kind of drunk for this. Oh, shit. Nuts.
...because my toenails are popping off like pogs
...because obviously the Russians put another chip in it.
...because of my awesomeness.
...because pretty decent chance the baby's mine.
...because the doctor says my cancer is in remission.
...because we're not there to protect it. A, all this wildlife can suck it.
...because you still have not solved my Kasanova problem.
...before he does any damage. Or more damage.
...before he talks to Nikolai Jakov.
...being taken from the wee baby Seamus...
...between an M26 and a Mark 2 fragmentation grenade.
...but all you care about is how much gas you pump out.
...but chemotherapy is a breeze.
...but for shit's sake, 5 grand?
...but from you, Mother, it's kind of creepy.
...but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.
...but he'll need to pick up his bug out bag, so...
...but he's probably as close as I'm gonna get.
...but holy shit, Lana, I pour my heart out, and you just throw it right back in my face?
...but I am afraid that was a lie.
...but I am in love with Katya.
...but I am still licensed by the state to perform marriages...
...but I can't do both.
...but I had to finish this so I could get it in the mail today.
...but I'm trying to stay positive because I can beat this.
...but I've got a good feeling about her. And the feeling is mutual, doctor.
...but in the meantime, is your mother there?
...but it's a lot more interesting than my afternoon.
...but it's not, you know, obviously, not as good as no cancer.
...but my gut tells me you gotta get some tree branches...
...but one of these days...
...but Sterling's obviously been flipped by that Russian whore...
...but the darn thing is so screwed up.
...but turns out I was right the first time.
...but you allow such talk from your secretary?
...but, Sterling, sometimes the unexpected things can turn out...
...by ODIN agents.
...by your boyfriend, Nikolai Jakov of the KGB.
...chasing a terrified Asian prostitute out onto the patio.
...chips. Thanks, Radar.
...clandestine nature.
...comes home for his borscht, only to find an unexpected dinner guest.
...confused. Katya, what...?
...creepily childlike feeling of maternal abandonment?
...Cyril Figgis knows how to beat the worm.
...did you know that men can also benefit from doing Kegel exercises?
...dies under mysterious circumstances."
...do you think you're doing?
...doing the crossword on the 41 bus and a man leans over and says:
...even though Mr. Archer is the only party named in the subpoena.
...every ISIS agent in the field will be exposed.
...except for those nine frames of static there...
...expect me to throw all that away for some lame, whatever, ideology?
...few odds and ends.
...focus! KRIEGER: No!
...for a woman twice his age. So make her 40.
...for my said aforementioned cancer?
...for swarming over here in their potato boats and taking all the jobs.
...for the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore.
...for the taking?
...for the win. Exactly.
...for whatever's on that damn disk.
...for your homophobic remarks.
...four eyed little kid, trying to impress daddy.
...from assassinating the Soviet premier as he enters the UN.
...from blowing up the biggest natural gas pipeline in North America...
...from shooting your friend Pam in her rock like face.
...get a chance to steal the bank.
...getting hotboxed all day in my car.
...given your agency's, uh...
...go back and be the first person to reserve that boat.
...handcuffed to your drinking arm?
...have been trying to fight cancer with your boss' fake chemo drugs.
...he'd be devastated, so this information cannot leave this...
...here at the Monaco Grand Prix.
...homies.
...horrible woman? That's Malory Archer.
...how do you know what you're talking ab...?
...hydroelectric dams, whaling ships...
...I believe she said.
...I broke into his room to see what music he was into...
...I don't think she's gonna have luck.
...I feel I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
...I had to go to plan B and lease out three floors in the building.
...I promise you, I will shoot your fat Irish faces off..
...I swear I don't know who, but they switch it with fake stuff here.
...I think I can convince my clients they're at risk.
...I think she used to screw, ick, Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB.
...I think using our 401(k)s as your personal ATM machine...
...I was a dick to you like a jillion times?
...I was a dick to you like a jillion times?
...I will empty the entire contents of your body...
...I will quit ISIS.
...if I still had toenails.
...if there were ever any times...
...if they find out their measly 401(k)s are missing.
...if you don't pay the ransom.
...if you end up eating a whole bunch of spider webs. Right? Heh.
...if you think I'm babysitting this squalling little...
...in asking for your hand in marriage.
...in Dietrich Viener's new thriller, Disavowed.
...in favor of strategic arms limitations, but the hardliners in the KGB...
...in Secaucus, New Jersey. Riveting.
...in the honeymoon suite. The what?
...in the surf at Myrtle Beach, so, you know, shit happens.
...incredibly sexy Asian women in bikinis. Oh, I'm suddenly much less angry.
...into a sentient being.
...into one medium sized hole.
...is "as coal black and thick muscled as a field hand."
...is guess what I named that bunny. Rabbert Klein?
...is negotiating with a goddamn cyborg. Hello?
...is rattling around in Len Trexler's bald head..
...is Russia's most dangerous enemy.
...is the last thing on earth I'd ever want to do.
...is whatever asshole physically holds the piece of paper.
...isn't my idea of a good time.
...it had something to do with disgustingly kinky sex and a candy bar.
...it has a consequence.
...it spread to my lymph nodes.
...it won't be the potato faced spawn of some Irish whore.
...it'll be me.
...it's that you keep your friends close.
...just for making a few simple changes around here.
...just so they can drive bigger cars, build bigger houses and eat bigger food.
...Katya, will you marry me?
...l'd like for you to have this.
...l'd say it's pretty serious.
...l'd sneak in while you're asleep. KRIEGER: Me too!
...l'd stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.
...l'm going to kill and/or murder Sterling Archer.
...l'm going to spend some quality time with those who are dear to me
...l'm guessing Spelvin's got one of those kick ass Japanese soaking tubs.
...l'm so obviously the best agent. Duh. How could she pick Lana over me?
...lamp. WOODHOUSE: Reloading.
...laughing her skinny, lying ass off because she got me kidnapped.
...less than honest with you. No.
...like Droopy Dog on downers for the day.
...like, 3000 on new suits and shoes and...
...listening to my creepy great grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln.
...lucky at a whole shitload of all kinds of other stuff.
...M O T O...
...may as well take a look.
...mini sweater dresses and your double D push up bras...
...my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W 4.
...no one, no one, Archer, could ever prove it.
...not feeling super confident about this plan.
...not the embodiment of sexy, empowered womanhood that you've become.
...not to mention a dangerous eco terrorist.
...of America's liquid natural gas demand. ARCHER: Right.
...of DNA test to establishing paternity? I thought they just wanted my hair...
...of my deafening awesomeness.
...of someday going to Las Vegas together
...of the Great War. I don't care about the Great War.
...of World War II. Three.
...on a Tuesday afternoon.
...or a tire swing or something in there.
...or for cannabidiol's clinically proven ability to inhibit cancer cell growth?
...or she thinks it's another sex tape. Hey.
...or turtles or roll around in his clothes, or whatever...
...out of sight of ODIN personnel. We get it. Let's move on, Barry.
...plus some other people, so... You may want to hold off on that.
...possessed the capacity to be embarrassed...
...putting low flow fixtures on plumbing.
...putting me there right about the time Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB...
...Ruth Baker, age 39, killed in her backyard by a 10 footer.
...said the urologist. Ba dum bum.
...shacked up with what's her face, the crazy one?
...she wants to defect and become an ISIS agent and she's...
...since I happen to be the world's greatest secret agent.
...so bring me a fifth of Glengoolie Black and a bag of gummi bears.
...so I am in no mood, Mother. Oh, and I am?
...so I really don't think I should be alone tonight.
...so I think I've earned a kebab.
...so I wouldn't exactly call it a vacation.
...so I'm gonna work on that, okay?
...so I'm making him some Portuguese flashcards.
...so it kind of equals out. Can we change the subject?
...so now I wanna get out of here.
...so our naked bodies do not touch this carpet.
...so over the weekend, I had to punch all these cards by hand, and then...
...so Reggie came up with the idea.
...so she has to clear her name. I read Dietrich's script, I was like:
...so that all anyone can see for miles around are your gigantic breasts.
...so their scientists could unlock the secret of its luxuriant fullness.
...so until the contract is signed, don't let Archer anywhere near that office.
...so we can draw where the zippers are gonna go on your body.
...so we have to treat them both...
...so why the hell are you poking a hole in my bag, Krieger?
...solid carbon dioxide, also known as dry ice, of which we have plenty...
...somewhere and somehow, dashing all my hopes.
...spend some time with the wee baby Seamus.
...splash scotch and women's underthings about...
...Superstars is on, and all of a sudden here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning...
...taking the 50 grand, I'll just... No, no.
...tell him he slipped and fell...
...than stand around all day and shriek?
...that Archer is in fact the father. What?
...that he planned this whole thing.
...that mother of yours found a whole new way to use them.
...that Russian tramp wants to con you into marriage for a green card, and...
...that same kind of enthusiasm and self starterishness to having sex with me.
...that they are secret agents.
...that this guy... Who, also, cannot be named Cassius.
...that very night, he traded his bar for a boat and sailed us to Lisbon.
...that was sarcasm.
...that woman is a KGB double agent.
...the Barry.
...the cumulative hangover will literally kill me.
...the Frenchman DeVoe making a run at Bivens for second.
...the irony of which is not lost on me.
...the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce...
...the state of New York is allowing him to legally marry her.
...the surgery was totally successful. MALORY: God, thank you
...the way Reggie... Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.
...then I turn to sex to feel attractive again, then it's just this vicious cycle.
...then raised you by himself for five years.
...then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days.
...there's chemotherapy, there's... Oh!
...there's some amazing stuff happening in Soviet cinema.
...they're gonna come back for the right one.
...this super hot guy named Dick Sledge.
...through which you take cyclophosphamate intravenously.
...thus ensuring complete accuracy of the paternity test.
...to be the most important things in the whole world.
...to ever contest the results of this paternity test.
...to get two measly points... Ha, ha. Yeah.
...to mind control you into loving him? You tell me, Mother, that's your specialty
...to run this place efficiently once I'm ODIN's regional director
...to whoever is behind this foul deed...
...touch it. What the f****** shit is this?
...until we catch those dastardly kidnappers.
...until your post op results came in. What?
...used the money to get you both home to the States...
...Walter Jakes, age 70, and his dog, killed by a 12 footer.
...was incredibly lame.
...we are going to make this place lean and green.
...we both nearly died that night.
...were not where I put them. Bah bah bah.
...whatever alligators shit out, which I can only assume is people.
...when I was less than nice to you. Heh.
...when I'm whipping 5000 bucks' worth of your ass.
...when Krieger's finishing his secret project.
...when some A hole slaps me on the back...
...when we make the exchange with Lachouffe...
...where I took a liberty to have a woman waiting in your Jacuzzi.
...where I won a bar in a dice game.
...where you wear a windbreaker and go on a ride along.
...which are real. Unbelievable.
...which is gonna be... ARCHER: Don't say it.
...which is why I designed this. And thanks for helping me test it.
...which is why, please don't hate me, you're teeming with insecurities.
...which should prevent his attempting to compromise the test.
...which, you know, I'm all for, heh heh, rimshot, but not on the range.
...while she's in Atlantic City.
...while you were getting takeout from your stupid Chinese bank.
...who are more qualified. At not sucking at stuff.
...who turns out was just leading me on to get out of the draft.
...why would he put a mind control chip into your brain?
...with 2 to 1 odds he ends up brutally murdered, so yes...
...with a jillion pounds of freaking computers on it?
...with florists and caterers, and that his wedding would never happen, l...
...with my real assignments, we are finished.
...with our top secret project. Aah!
...with the profits from your fake chemo drugs?
...with this love story you're making me shoehorn...
...without the Nazi scientists we brought back after World War II.
...would literally kill me. Dick.
...you can't shoot all three of us.
...you forget it's in there.
...you kind of have a problem sharing your space.
...you're a dead ringer for Karl Malden.
...you're gonna get all boohooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.
...you're gonna make the best grandma ever.
"Bloody April," they called it.
"Caught at border, taken to Vyborg"?
"Hello, hookworms. Get in my feet."
"Hey, where did you get your turtleneck? The turtleneck store?"
"If you like puzzles, I may have a job for you."
"Look at me." I was like, "Whoa!" Ha, ha.
"Mm" no, this isn't cyclophosphamate.
"Sir Augustus Stilton, World War I flying ace, blah, blah, blah...
"Taking" as in to get this job, I'd have to have sex with you?
"Woman's perspective." I mean...
[AIR HISSING]
[ALARM BEEPING]
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]
[ALL CHATTERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CHEERING]
[ALL CLAMORING]
[ALL GROAN AND MUTTER]
[ALL GROANING]
[ALL LAUGHING]
[ALL SCREAM]
[ALL SCREAMING]
[ALLIGATOR GROWLING]
[ARCHER & LANA SCREAM]
[ARCHER CHUCKLES]
[ARCHER CHUCKLES]
[ARCHER EXHALES]
[ARCHER GROANS]
[ARCHER GROANS]
[ARCHER LAUGHING]
[ARCHER PUNCHING BRETT]
[ARCHER SCREAMING]
[ARCHER SCREAMS]
[ARCHER SIGHS]
[ARCHER SIGHS]
[ARCHER SNORES]
[ARCHER SNORING]
[ARCHER SOBBING]
[ARCHER SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[ARCHER SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
[ARCHER YELLS]
[BABBLES]
[BABY ARCHER CRYING]
[BABY COOS]
[BABY CRYING]
[BABY CRYING]
[BANGING ON DOOR]
[BARFS]
[BARRY CRASHES]
[BARRY GROANS]
[BEEPING]
[BEEPING]
[BEEPING]
[BEEPING]
[BELCHES]
[BLEEPING]
[BOAT CREAKING]
[BODY THUDS] [CAR HORNS HONKING]
[BOTH GASP]
[BOTH GRUNT]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BOTH LAUGH]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[BOTH MOANING]
[BOTH SCREAM IN FRENCH]
[BOTH SPEAK IN FRENCH]
[BOTH SPEAK IN FRENCH]
[BOTTLE CAP POPS]
[BOTTLE HISSING]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[BRETT MOANING]
[BRETT SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[BURPS]
[BURPS]
[BURPS]
[BURPS]
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
[CHERYL CHUCKLES]
[CHERYL GASPS]
[CHERYL SCREAMING]
[CHERYL SCREAMS]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
[COMPUTER PIRATE TALKS INDISTINCTLY]
[COMPUTERS CRASHING]
[COUGHS]
[COUGHS]
[CRASH]
[CROUPIER SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[CRYING]
[CYRIL GROANS]
[DIAL TONE]
[DIAL TONE]
[DIAL TONE]
[DOGS BARKING AND MAN SCREAMS]
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORKNOB RATTLING]
[DRAWER RATTLING]
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[DRILL WHIRRING]
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[ENGINE WHIRRING]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[English US SDH]
[EXPLOSION]
[Finnish] Jätkät! Tämä on suomalainen laskuvarjoklubi?
[FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY]
[GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING]
[GASPING AND MOANING]
[GASPS, THEN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
[GASPS]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
[GLASS SHATTERING] [SEAMUS CRYING]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[GULPING]
[GUN CLICKS]
[GUN COCKS]
[GUN COCKS]
[GUNFIRE] [OFFICER SCREAMS]
[GUNS COCK]
[GUNSHOT AND TOMMY SCREAMING]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOT]
[GUNSHOTS AND GLASS BREAKING]
[GUNSHOTS AND MEN GRUNTING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
[HAWKS THEN SPITS]
[HELICOPTER AND F 1 CAR EXPLODE]
[HIGH PITCH BUZZING]
[HIGH PITCHED BUZZING]
[HORNS HONKING]
[HUMMING]
[IMITATING GUNFIRE]
[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Actually, you know what?
[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Can and did. I green lit the project way back.
[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] I mean it. With the schnoz and comb over...
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Mustard gas. Zeppelins. No.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Or the entire pansy division? Ow!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But why?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Can you believe I used to date him?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Guy's a hundred, he'll break both his hips pushing the doorbell.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm coming, Reggie!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm out.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm out.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Like always.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] No way.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, my God. You... You...
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh, let's see. What else?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoo! Ha ha! What a move. Did you see that?
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Come on, buddy.
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Is my new favorite device of ever.
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] Maybe because you're Sterling Archer.
[IN SINGSONG VOICE] Amazing.
[IN SINGSONG VOICE] Amazing.
[IN SINGSONG VOICE] Awkward.
[IN SINGSONG VOICE] Oh, my God, this is gonna be amazing.
[IN SINGSONG VOICE] This is so exciting.
[IN SLOW MOTION] Woodhouse!
[IN THROATY VOICE] But not forgotten. Come, Kriegerbots.
[JAKOV SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[KATYA GASPS]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
[KRIEGER SOBBING]
[LACHOUFFE SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[LACHOUFFE SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[LANA CLEARS THROAT]
[LANA CLEARS THROAT]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA GROANS]
[LANA SIGHS]
[LANA SIGHS]
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LINE DISCONNECTS]
[LINE RINGING]
[LINE RINGS]
[LOCK BEEPING AND WHIRRING]
[MALORY GASPS]
[MALORY GASPS]
[MALORY GRUNTS]
[MALORY SIGHS]
[MALORY SIGHS]
[MALORY WHISTLES AND ALL GROAN]
[MAN GROANS]
[MAN SCREAMING]
[MAN SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN]
[MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[MIMICS MALORY] "Ray, it's your mission, and that's final."
[MOANING]
[MOANS]
[MOANS]
[MOCK LAUGHS]
[MUFFLED] I guess that really hurt.
[MUTTERING IN RUSSIAN]
[OCELOT GROWLS]
[OCELOT ROARS]
[ODIN AGENTS LAUGHING AND GRUNTING]
[OVER RADIO] There's about a bajillion hide sites around here.
[PAM GASPS]
[PAM GRUNTS]
[PAM GRUNTS]
[PAM LAUGHING]
[PANTING]
[PANTING]
[PEOPLE CHUCKLING]
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[PHARMACIST WHIMPERING]
[PHONE BEEPS]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGS]
[PIG SQUEALING AND KRIEGER GRUNTING]
[PILOT SIGHS]
[PLANE CRASHING]
[PLAYING "DANNY BOY"]
[PROTESTERS SCREAMING]
[RATTLING STOPS]
[REMY SOBS]
[RINGTONE] ♫ Mulatto butts ♫
[RONA SQUEALING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS AND GASPS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
[SEAMUS CRYING]
[SEAMUS CRYING]
[SEAMUS CRYING]
[SEAMUS CRYING]
[SEAMUS CRYING]
[SHOUTS] Pam!
[SHUDDERS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[SINGING] Forty ounce in my lap And it's freezing my junk
[SINGING] White ass daddy
[SINGS] Sex, baby, let's talk...
[SLURRING] What's wrong with me?
[SNIFFING]
[SNORING]
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING]
[SOBBING] I think I'm gonna miss you so much
[SOBBING] Oh, Katya, no!
[SOBS]
[SOLDIERS GRUNTING]
[SOLDIERS MUTTERING]
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[SPEAKS FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
[SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
[SPELVIN TALKS IN SPANISH OVER PHONE]
[SQUEALS]
[STEWARDESS SCREAMING]
[THISTLETON GROANS]
[THISTLETON GROANS]
[THUMP]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[TIRES SCREECH]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[TIRES THUDDING]
[TREXLER GROANS]
[TREXLER SCREAMING]
[TRINETTE SIGHS]
[TRUCK HONKS]
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS OVER COMPUTER]
[VOMITING]
[VOMITING]
[VOMITS]
[VOMITS]
[WATER GURGLING]
[WHIMPERING]
[WHIMPERING]
[WHISPERING] ...who's black.
[WHISPERING] Amazing.
[WHITEY GROANING]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
[WOODHOUSE & SOLDIERS SCREAMING]
[WOODHOUSE SCREAMING]
[YELLING AND GRUNTING]
[YELLING]
[YELLS]
[YELPS THEN CRASHES]
[YELPS THEN GRUNTS]
[YELPS]
[ZIPPER ZIPS]
**** you, you douche bags.
Über German. It means "warrior."

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