Archer - Season 2 Edit

A nightmare is sharing a room with your mother, who expects me...

A.k.a. The Human Torch, Lana? Duh.

Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so...

All the wind from the driving, Archer. My hands are really burning.

All these idiots think about is sex.

And as luck has it, there is some chilling in mein suite.

And I didn't touch her, Lana, so there's no reason to be jealous.

And I have good news.

And I want to convince him to invest in ISIS.

And if you don't believe me, fine.

And if you ever breathe a word of this, I will gut you like a carp.

And it's so hard to make friends.

And it's something a grown up does when he loves another grown up.

And literally, the minute you turn 18, please call me, but...

And only because this is a medical emergency.

And speaking of, that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!

And that is just it for today on people calling me a freaking pig.

And these are my top agents, who are ready to lay down their lives...

And this is Conrad Schlotz.

And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices so...

And we're out of gas. Fantastic.

And yet here you stand...

Anka is all I have in the world since her mother passed away.

ANKA: How is your Wilhelm? Aah!

ANKA: I'm doing it like you said.

ANKA: Like this?

ANKA: Papa, he lured me. ARCHER: What?

ANKA: Probably better than you. Yeah?

ANKA: That's no fun. Oh, for ****'s sake.

Another perfect example of your reductive reasoning.

Archer, we are safe now, ja?

Archer, you must save me.

ARCHER: Are you kidding? LANA: Come on.

ARCHER: First the towels, now this. LANA: Come on.

ARCHER: Hey, that's right in my ear, so...

ARCHER: No. This is completely unacceptable.

ARCHER: Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch.

ARCHER: Who obviously needs someone on her constantly.

Are you going to throw that in my face the rest of my life?

Are you?

As some kind of snob or...

As the ski lift was coming, at the last minute, I jumped out of the way.

At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.

Attempted ****, Lana, and that guy was running around like Johnny Storm.

Because you get strong arms growing up on a dairy farm.

Because you're insecure, so you overcompensate and come across as...

But even they smell better than your stupid plan.

But I really kind of doubt it.

But right now, I'm kind of drawing a blank

Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!

Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?

Carlito, he obviously did not mean to get set on fire.

CARLOS: Save your minutes.

CARLOS: That stinks. So don't smell it.

Chasing a billionaire while we could be surrounded by terrorists.

CHERYL: Line one for you. It's your furrier.

Clormatrazapam?

Come on.

Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.

Countess von Fingerbang.

CYRIL: Jeez. And let's just put a lid on it

Did you come in first the same weekend I attended...

Do you think I need a boob job?

Don't say it. I'm in enough pain.

Don't shoot the girl! We need her!

Don't smell it.

Dukes, I am gonna be in huge trouble.

Eight percent, across the board.

Enough. Now, then, this is a two prong operation.

Even though Sterling Archer is here in Gstaad...

Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...

First thing when I get back, buying an electric razor.

For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17.

Getting a little local swelling?

God, I hate it when he's right.

God.

Going against an unknown number of radical terrorists...

Good idea, mi amor

Good thing that clip was empty. Oh, shit.

Good, you are here, Frau Archer.

Grip it hard as you can and twist the absolute shit out of it.

Guess we'll have to hike back.

Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even.

Hand over the girl, cochino.

Hang on.

Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.

Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her.

Herr Archer glaubt Anka is dirty sexy.

Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services.

Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping...

Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.

Herr Schlotz, are you in there?

Hey, Anka, relax. You're gonna be okay. We'll get you back to the hotel and...

Hey, what happens in Gstaad...

Holy shit. Did you see that?

Holy shit. Lana, look. That's the kidnapper I set on fire.

Honestly?

Hooray.

How romantic.

I am the perfect gentleman.

I bet you've never even gotten to second base.

I can't believe I let this happen.

I don't do that

I don't know, I'm not a developmental psychologist.

I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

I have to convince Schlotz to get in bed with ISIS...

I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray.

I mean, I'm sure I've been in worse situations

I need to ask you a tiny...

I saved her life. Go ask that dick I set on fire.

I saved her life. I set a kidnapper on fire.

I should have asked myself the same thing about you two.

I swear, Anka, if I have to pull this snowmobile over...

I think that smell is them.

I trained so hard and so long.

I'm kidding. Anka, come on. You're gonna be a beautiful woman.

I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.

I'm sorry. I'm not used to such awful things.

In many ways, yes, but we can talk about that in bed.

It actually was a huge disappointment.

It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

It's just, um, my stitches.

It's like my breasts are on fire.

Ja, but if it does...

Jesus, get over it.

Jumpy, eh?

Just like you swore about a 90 pound schoolgirl raping you?

Just making a fresh batch of Green Russians.

Just stay out of my way.

L... So maybe not.

LANA: And are they drinking anti freeze? Let's hope.

LANA: Hey. I'll take care of it myself. Ow!

LANA: Oh, yeah? What...?

LANA: That guy? Who's never been on fire? He was, though. Lana, I swear

LANA: Unbelievable.

LANA: Whatever.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Lmmigrants. Cramming their lowriders full of free health care and snow.

Look at me.

Look, I'm serious. You need help.

Mah! Damn it.

MALORY: Herr Schlotz.

MALORY: You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

Mama is gone, Papa is always at work. I just rot away at that boarding school.

Man, all this cow talk's making me thirsty for some milk.

Maybe mixed with borderline personality disorder?

Meaning I set one on fire?

Meaning you're a spoiled, rich, little lying brat who...

Mein God, woman. Can't you not read?

Months of preparation ruined. How could you be so stupid?

Mother, you know what he's implying, right?

Mr. Archer, how familiar.

My plan requires three people. Three people who have faces!

No, I know. I'm not..

No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction...

No, just incredibly pissed off.

No, not romantic. Dangerous. Because it's gonna be dark soon so...

No, she does.

No, she looks like she's just turning 18.

No, we can't. Seriously, you have to...

No, we... Oh, my God.

No, you didn't, because I wasn't.

No, you got... Hang on a second.

No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before...

No. No, I would not.

No. No.

Not to come near her again

Not without my glasses. I was hoping you could read this to me...

Now he gets to be the big hero who... Has no bullets.

Now I must call headquarters for reinforcements.

Now, raus, you mouse. Get ready for our ski lesson.

Now, who's ready for a shower?

Oh, and as for you, Ray...

Oh, and hadn't accused me of molesting you.

Oh, come on, did you not see that?

Oh, great, they cut the power.

Oh, great, yeah. Go terrorize the bellhop.

Oh, I get it, just like men love it on their Wilhelm.

Oh, I'll be gentle.

Oh, like you didn't... Know!

Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked.

Oh, my God, you must be freezing.

Oh, no.

Oh, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.

Oh, you poor thing. You're a widower?

Oh. Man, I'm gonna be in trouble.

Oh. Three stitches in my penis. So, yep, it's all breaking my way.

Okay, I need you to do exactly what I tell you when I tell you without...

Okay, I think that's all of them...

Okay, that's it.

On a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries.

Ooh, is that Schlotz and Pam?

Ooh! Pink Floyd show.

Or, wait, what do you have in Switzerland? Pikemen?

PAM: Well, a lot of that's muscle. Let's hope not.

Probably won't fall for it again, though. Man, I need a gun.

Ray, what is a...?

Riding camp, skiing camp.

Right after I freeze to death. Double dukes.

See? Sacrifice.

She's making me mule back a bunch of this crap.

Shit. Before the cops show up.

Should've thought of that before you took your clothes off. Seriously, would you go?

So before it's too dark, let me ask your opinion on something.

So I will be that someone who is constantly on her.

So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own.

So obviously, I still find you very attractive, baby.

So that's gonna...

So they're not pikemen. Wait, Anka, tell your father what happened.

So you can't do it every time.

So, then, now we do your plan.

Sterling Malory Archer, you will not touch a single hair on that girl.

Sterling, you promised.

Stop whining. We're all making do. Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana.

Surely El Frente does not frighten the famous Sterling Archer.

Tell him to send over the gray fox.

Tell it to the gendarmes, schwein.

That crap is $300 a bottle...

That sounds like Schlotz, but...

That's actually a possibility.

That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.

That's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril.

The books are prong one while prong two is El Frente Rojo.

The girl is worth millions. Be careful where you're shooting.

The rest of you, make room in your luggage for 10 liters apiece.

Then you don't get to squirt that hot white cream all over your face.

They'll have to split up, then we can take them out one or two at a time.

Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation upstate?

This gal.

This is a medical proced... Ow.

Too bad you don't have big, mitten y gloves. I can't feel a thing in these.

Totally McQueen.

Triple dukes.

Uck! It was those damn Green Russians.

Ugh! Now, that is just... Ew!

Ugh. Change it before I puke my...

Ugh. That is so classic her.

Uh... See? How I let that just go by?

Unh. You can't believe what this is doing to my stitches.

Wait. Why are you slowing down?

Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

We can make it back in, like, half hour, tops.

We can make it back in, like, half hour, tops.

We should go to the gendarmes.

We should've gone with my plan, which was superior in every way.

Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom and I only took bronze.

Well, it's a little early to say.

Well, let's get some.

Well, obviously before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

Well, obviously, we're gonna take that.

Well, that's gonna be a tough sell.

Well, why don't we take that?

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

What kind of limit is that?

What the hell's all that, you reckon?

What, you... Re zip, re zip, re zip!

What? No, that was me finishing.

Whoa. That's first degree frostbite.

Why aren't you with Gillette?

With such big, mitten y gloves, it won't even count.

Yeah, all four minutes of it.

Yeah, and if money's so damn tight, why is she even here?

Yeah, and then I bet you get sent off to camp all summer.

Yeah, and your horse, with his fancy new shoes.

Yeah, come on in.

Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenage sociopath...

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, so you misbehave because you want a little attention.

Yeah, the entire hotel's talking about your little shaving accident.

Yeah, they pack a wallop.

Yeah, which is last.

Yeah. Think they're gonna have a band or just a DJ?

You are so clever and sexy.

You are such a liar.

You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine.

You got any ideas, Anka? Because I'm all ears.

You gotta twist it, like this.

You know, Archer, I think you and I are a lot alike.

You must address me by title:

You think you can drive this thing...?

You want lies? Wait until I tell everyone you seduced me.

You want little Countess von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine.

You would fight them? Are you insane?

You're shitting me

You've never even seen a Wilhelm.

Your twin brother.

"Schwein" doesn't even touch it. Yeah? Well, neither did I, Mother.

A dairy farm? Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch.

Ach, Gstaad. Gstaad?

And if you wanna get Schlotz into you... Phrasing.

Archer, I'm serious. I'm serious.

Archer? Archer?

Arrogant. I get it, Anka. Ja, exactly.

Bad touch. SCHLOTZ: You schwein.

Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies. Ha. Oh, yeah?

But yours... Nope.

Can I finish? Fine.

Come on. And the rest of you, get to work.

Come, Anka. Uh...

Derby Day wore that exact same hat. Shock.

Do we have to supply our own lids? Look, I didn't invent the economy.

Don't wait up. Ugh.

Fine? Oh, I think he is very fine.

Friesians. We had Holsteins.

Good thing you know how to cheat. What? Hey.

He started it. He started it.

Hooray. And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.

How do I do it? Right hand, take the throttle.

I can't wait that long. Please... Nope.

I saw you save my life. No, l...

I wasn't eye banging her. Man, I was.

It was Poovey Farms. I also was raised on a dairy farm.

It's called nymphomania. Ugh.

It's Fräulein Archer. She added desperately.

Jeez, they're like... Wow. Cousins.

Lacrosse camp. It's like he doesn't want me around.

Let's hope not. ...you must protect mein princess.

Let's hope not. ...you must protect mein princess.

Literally one minute, all right? Please.

Loofah, I know. ...to protect some Eurotrash brat...

Maybe just put your hands on them. Oh, my hands are like ice.

Meaning what? Meaning you left me for my brother.

Mein God. I know, right?

My Anka? What do you mean? Oh, right.

No, it... They had a big cheese rodeo.

No, no, Anka, you can't be in here. Anka?

No, no, Anka, you can't be in here. Anka?

No, you gotta twist it. I am twisting it.

Nope. But I could get nerve damage.

Oh, for the... That's a farrier. I know

Oh, mein God. Now shut up and hang on.

Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that. No?

Oh, please. Tongue back in.

Oh, yeah, count me in. Yeah, and me out.

Oh. Ew. Sorry. Even for you, Archer.

One doesn't have skin on his face. Meaning?

Out of how many, two? Will you just shut up and drive?

Please, Archer, just for one minute. Um...

Please. Nope.

Questions. About what?

Really? Yes, really.

Shame on you. Fie and shame. I didn't...

She's giving you a ski lesson? No, I'm giving her one.

Should I kiss it and make it better? No, you should get away from me.

So does this look as bad as it looks? I will let the gendarmes decide that.

So unless you want me to send you back... I will start cooking the books.

So we go with my plan. Your plan stinks more than that cheese.

So what? ARCHER: What do you mean "so what"?

So... So.

Take it back. Fine, I take it back.

Take it back. Go, go, go.

Thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance. What?

That feels nice. It doesn't. Don't enjoy this.

That girl's a nightmare. No.

Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm. What? No, l...

Ugh. What? Jeez, I'm only human.

Unbelievable. I know.

Videotex? Wow, growth industry. So he's worth billions.

We don't know what they look like. Spoiler alert.

We go with my plan. Fine.

We have to cut back... But you're buying new horseshoes.

We should go to the gendarmes. Yeah, if you weren't topless.

Well, I hope you're happy. No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered.

Well, maybe a little, but... And I know just how to repay you.

What did you call it? "Blow job"? What?

What is wrong with you? Did no one just see that?

What what? Didn't you see that? I saw you totally eye bang a teenager.

What? Because I came in second, smartass.

What? She is only 16, you schwein.

What's wrong? Nothing.

Whatever. Go wash up, dirty bird.

Where are we going? The forest.

Where do you get paper towels? And last item.

Which is third... Last.

Why do you behave like...? No one cares how I behave.

Why don't you go find out? No, I can't be alone.

Yeah, I bet. Meaning what?

You gotta go faster, Anka. Faster? I'm freezing to death already.

You need help, Archer. ARCHER: She came up to me.

You swear? Lana, l...

...and failing that, in bed with...

...and you can't get it in America, so not another sip.

...armed with automatic weapons.

...as a fortune walks away, with your wedding tackle...

...during a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.

...in the world, so... You lost, Ray.

...in your suite, over a drink?

...interrogated by gendarmes.

...stays in Gstaad. Ugh.

...Sterling Archer may be many things, but he's not...

...stuffed into your shaving kit.

...the Lars Larsen Snowmobiling Experience?

...to protect your, um, lovely daughter.

...which is good because I'm out of ammo.

...which these quacks deny is even real, now they're treating me for...

...who's got a jillion guests coming to her birthday party tomorrow.

...you better start eating strudel. Major chubby chaser.

...you lost. I came in third.

[ANKA GASPS]

[ANKA GASPS]

[ANKA GIGGLES]

[ANKA SCREAMING]

[ANKA SCREAMING]

[ANKA SCREAMS]

[ANKA SCREAMS]

[ANKA SCREAMS]

[ANKA SCREAMS]

[ANKA SCREAMS]

[ARCHER & ANKA SCREAM]

[ARCHER GROANS]

[BURPS]

[BURPS]

[CHUCKLING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[English US SDH]

[GASPS]

[GUN CLICKING EMPTY]

[INTERCOM BEEPS]

[JAVI COUGHING AND GROANING]

[JAVI SCREAMING]

[JAVI SCREAMING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[LANA GROANS]

[LANA GROANS]

[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]

[MACHINE GUNS FIRING]

[MALORY SIGHS]

[MALORY SIGHS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]

[SCHLOTZ SNORING]

[SCREAMING]

[SIA SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[TWINS SPEAK IN SPANISH]

**** you, Switzerland.