Archer (2009) - Season 8 Edit

A and how did you know we were here?

A body with your exact same dental records.

A body... I mean, if you're gonna do

A bunch of surplus fingers up there, do ya?

A corpse through a hotel lobby

A distraction. Nice!

A fine distinction, legally speaking.

A goddamn robot wants to kill me?

A hundred what? Sammies.

A magical being! Like a leprechaun, Pinocchio, an enchanted nutcracker.

A million dollars in unmarked, untraceable

A new hole in my head.

A quart low on what?

A revolving door with Bernice.

A slightly larger truck full of my Chinese whores?

A story in which a Los Angeles police detective

A very empty bag on this.

A week?

A what?

A whorehouse, though,

A... food perambulator.

Aaghhh! No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Stop it! No!

Aah! At the risk of another meatslap,

About how to find me in a race against time for my life?

About putting breakfast in the radiator!

About Spanish omelet ingredients!

About what? Living out the week?

About why I don't just go ahead

About your new Chinese sister wives?

Access to a firearm? Cuckold?

According to the person, or persons,

Actually maybe, I dunno, I haven't slept in like a week

Actually no, probably not.

Actually, probably less..

After all, she was supposed to be

After salmon P. Chase,

After which, I just remembered I'm getting a haircut.

Again, hurtful. While I explain to them

Against Len Trexler?

Agh!

Agh!

Ah, and the universe provides.

Ah, dog dicks.

Ah, jeez. Well, let's get her inside.

Ah, there he is.

Ah, you know his wife left him.

Ah. Problem?

Aha, um, hang on...

Aha! Probably on Trexler's orders!

Ahem.

Ahem.

Ahem. Fair enough.

Ahem. Or is that just affected and weird?

Ahh.

Aktion!

Al Capone. He just died. You hear about this?

All I had today was some cuy.

All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse,

All in good time, Mr. Archer.

All of this has to be entered into evidence...

All right, Archer. You win this round.

All right, then. I'm off.

All right. Give me a hint

All right. I guess let him out.

All right. Let's... let's see what else I got here.

All the remaining loose ends.

All the way to Berlin.

Alleged daughter and sister bangers.

Almost there.

Alone, as I arrived, with no police anywhere!

Alright, once my patient arrives...

Alrighty! And how's our patient?

Also not great. But more importantly...

Also, I think we're being followed.

Although I can't imagine you having anything

Although I'm not sure which is which,

Although I'm sure at some point

Although if I'm being honest,

Although she was probably a prostitute.

Although there's no telling what he knows.

Although you could say that his time has come.

Although, now that I come to think of it,

Although, truth be told,

Although... I better get moving

An almost unbelievable coincidence.

And a tiny chauffeur uniform.

And after Normandy, through France and Belgium,

And also bourbon.

And also gross abuse of a corpse, which is punishable by...

And also, how have you not been murdered?

And also, it's not just the legs.

And also... I've lost track of time!

And apparently doing it with a fresh new take

And as for you, Poovey...

And before you decide,

And blame it on some poor hispanic or n****.

And both of you wait here.

And convince the old man I'll mail her home

And crippled my right hand man, or...

And crushed the ankles of a psychopath who,

And don't be late again. Um, okay.

And don't bring back a dirty shovel.

And driving trucks and serving coffee

And expecting a different result.

And figure out we gave 'em fake names.

And he had a good, long life.

And he left an envelope full of clues in the safe.

And here I thought your signature move

And hide me in a bomb shelter

And I am just dying to know

And I assume about to get worse.

And I assume you'll be in touch shortly

And I don't know who I'm gonna kill first,

And I guess I'll drive, since you clearly have a concussion.

And I had to check my gun, obviously, so I...

And I know the case took a long time, but like you always said,

And I need you guys to respect that.

And I swear to god, I've got half a mind

And I swear to God, if you people get caught

And I think she has a crush on you.

And I trust you know who I am?

And I will see you at midnight.

And I would like to hire you...

And I, I don't know if you feel avenged,

And I'd like to keep them in their current location,

And I'm already in a pretty bad mood,

And I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses

And I'm not trying to judge

And I've been eating dexedrine like candy, so...

And if I could, I'd sue you

And if I did, he'd be an ocelot.

And if I were you, I'd take one of her rings to put on it.

And if nobody screws up,

And if we don't know where she is?

And is full of misery.

And it's the highlight of my day.

And last night,

And live happily ever after, but then you were like, "what?"

And loud. Now, shut up and...

And my father would've killed her

And neither are they. Whoa. Look,

And no cops, at all, anywhere.

And no offense, but... But here it comes.

And nobody could possibly survive that!

And not just any body. A body your same size,

And not the monster.

And now I need you to help me do another good deed.

And ol' Lenny here to know you were...

And once we have the money,

And put your foot on the gas! I'm gonna jump on the bike!

And quit blabbing that around. Bel Air Road.

And reunite a family.

And second of all,

And sergeant Poovey is going to drive you in my car

And she was dead drunk in a nearby saloon.

And shoot you in your stupid fat face.

And shove it over a cliff.

And shoved in a drawer at the morgue...

And silk pajamas. What?

And simply observe and report back.

And since Archer was kind enough

And since you like jokes so goddamn much...

And so if anything happened to me, you'd...

And so that's pretty much that, I guess. Vengeance wise.

And so, I do hope you'll forgive Mr. Zerk

And so, since you know where those bent coppers

And so, um, you're the singer here.

And so, you do know who I am, but you don't care?

And speaking of which, where the hell are they?

And steal the ransom during the exchange.

And sugar? I guess. I don't know. Shut up!

And take a look around, but uh...

And that one was for the Chinese ladies.

And that you follow my instructions to the letter.

And that's a firm firm? Yes.

And the bag that contains it.

And the cold, blue steel of my .45.

And the next cop we see, I'm getting his uniform.

And the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole

And the photograph so that I may compare the two.

And the ransom money,

And the smart thing would've been to read your envelope

And then ask yourself... Cui bono?

And then avenge his death.

And then drive it back and forth on your face!

And then every year, on grandma's birthday,

And then I was gonna say, "no,"

And then I'm gonna make them wish

And then maybe a room upstairs, at the Beverly hills hotel.

And then pay off Trexler!

And then they double crossed him and stole the ransom.

And then you say "Who's there?"

And then, obviously, bring me her severed finger

And then, obviously, bring me her severed finger

And then, to top off all the bullshit,

And there's five of us and only one of you, so...

And those big gloobs of snot run outta their nose, but you...

And to make that happen,

And trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping,

And use the ransom money to square things with Len Trexler

And visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction

And was it... Was it because you love me?

And we know he's working for mother, so...

And what do you mean, Mother killed Woodhouse?

And what is that? What do you have?

And what on earth are you doing?

And what sort of daily expenses

And whatever this whole thing is, I don't want it.

And when I get back, I wouldn't mind if the place

And when we get in there, I need you to continue

And where the hell is the bartender?

And who's our lucky contestant, Bob?

And why the hell are you so desperate for money?

And why you'd give your phone number to a prostitute..

And yet the end result is still the same.

And yet they left you your lighter.

And yet, you turned down a battlefield commission

And you are gonna bring them to me,

And you are gonna find the bastards who took my whores,

And you are gonna find them,

And you two are under arrest.

And you will die in agony,

And you're all gonna stay tied up

And you're gonna find Archer.

And you're gonna leave him in some alley

And you're sure you can drive a stick?

And you're telling me this crazy Nazi can turn people into robots?

And your motorcycle."

And, again, you are all under arrest!

And, by inference, an ideal target for kidnapping.

And, come to think of it, the refunds will come

And, follow up, where is our patient?

And, I mean, don't try it right now, obviously, but...

And, I'm sorry, but have we met?

And, Poovey, book her as a Jane Doe

And, so, how did that go?

And?

And? And your body will reject its new components,

And? And, well, I mean, it's just,

Another sweater.

Anti Semitic, anti Catholic racist...

Anybody have a joke about socks?

Anything else? Well, uh,

Anything. Whatever. A little box.

Anyway, the guy is a bona fide mad scientist.

Anywhere near this case.

Apparently that was your brother.

Applejack drove...

Archer is going to retrieve it and bring it to me.

Archer, wait! Or the one about...

ARCHER: And how do you know about this?

ARCHER: I thought it was unfair

ARCHER: Now sit down!

Archer!

Archer!

Archer!

Archer! Archer, you shut your mouth!

Archer! Or, here's one! Knock knock!

Archer.

Archer...

Are coming out of your paycheck.

Are taking the money...

Are the keys in the rolls?

Are two very different things, Mother.

Are we gonna stand here all night yanking our goddamn...

Are we just jumping right into this,

Are we just jumping right into this, or...

Are we just jumping right into this, or...

Are we just jumping right into this, or...

Are you booking Charlotte as a Jane Doe?

Are you nuts?

Are you nuts? I'll slow down a little, obviously,

Are you serious?

Are you... pfft! Come on! I wouldn't do that!

Are you... this could be anything!

Are you... wait, are you kidding, or...

Aren't we supposed to put it in milk?

Aren't ya gonna stay for supper?

Arresting crows and shit.

As did the Vandertunt Broad.

As haunted as Mrs. Muir's twat.

As in spare change?

As long as I can find the manual!

As opposed to you, who wants to parade

As the lord our god himself is my witness,

As what?

Ask your wife.

Asking you the same thing.

Asshole!

Asshole. Wait, no. I mean... not... goddammit.

At least he doesn't know Woodhouse died.

At my job? Yeah. I mean, what are the odds?

At one of those darling little shacks.

At the Polo lounge? Un huh.

Aus! Aus!

Aw, brother, I have.

Aw, come on. Don't say that.

Aw, come on. That's common knowledge.

Aw, goddamn it.

Aw, I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd

Aw, jeez. He's really doing it.

Aw, man, I'm gonna be sick too.

Aw, man! Some of it got in my mouth.

Aw, shit!

Aw. And now that we've settled that,

Back to sunset in those heels.

Beat it, ya sicko, before I call the cops.

Because A, it's my car, and B, you're a woman!

Because doing a stretch in jail would be the least of my worries.

Because either you were moonlighting as a singer

Because heirs to fortunes

Because I already know a crazy lady. His aunt Marva.

Because I am just on pins and needles... well...

Because I came to you for help!

Because I choose to get into the truck.

Because I do not want the money!

Because I don't need a spirit animal,

Because I grew up on a farm.

Because I have to get away from my family.

Because I know...

Because I'm going to drive it,

Because I'm gonna shoot you in the... genitals!

Because I'm trying to find out who killed my partner.

Because if he finds out,

Because if I don't get some clams soon,

Because it could've been left open for any number of reasons.

Because it ruins it

Because it sounded like you said

Because it's English and it's stupid,

Because it's only accessory after the fact.

Because it's pitch dark and we're not being followed!

Because Len Trexler is going to be left holding

Because not only did I pay a lot of money

Because seriously, if you're not... Archer!

Because she got shot seven times

Because somebody killed my partner

Because we know Archer broke her out of jail,

Because we weren't being followed!

Because when, not if, I find out who you are,

Because while I was getting pistol whipped

Because whoever it was...

Because you know all that shit

Because you know how much it's gonna cost

Because you know what happens to snoops.

Because your crooked boss

Because your final thought on this earth wasn't about how my gun tasted.

Because, and I'm sorry kid, I don't know how to break this to you, but...

Because, asshole, if we hadn't gone upstairs

Because, just so I understand you,

Because, listen, this car chase is gonna get a little crazy...

Before Archer comes back with that ransom money.

Before you shoot a big, salty load in your pants.

Before!

Being a n**** must be so exciting.

Being chauffeured by a dwarf!

Believe me, I know.

Bernice! Yes, Bernice.

Bernice? Somewhat obviously.

Besides a cold Brewski, am I right? Hello?

Besides rapists?

Besides, if... If you don't shut your fat mouth,

Best... day... ever!

Bet that's pretty much recession proof.

Bet they got arrested again. Idiots.

Better take one of each.

Better take one of these codeines.

Between hope and despair.

Big beat walkin' Bob.

Big man! Feelin' froggy!

Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!

Boy, you don't miss a trick.

Brand newly deceased.

Brandy, if you have it. Fresh out, turns out.

Bring her to me. I wanna to meet her.

Bronze star with two oak leaves and "V" device.

Buck private. And do you know what that tells me?

Bull... shit.

Bullets? Daily.

Bullshit. Which... and that's fair, but...

Bungled this whole thing,

But a whole fist? Aaahhh!

But after that,

But also because...

But also gradually more berserker.

But are you crazy?

But don't judge them by their looks.

But even so, Woodhouse.

But first we're gonna plant a few seeds.

But for Christ's sake, man.

But good luck getting in there without a...

But he didn't know about this part.

But how much of that did you hear?

But how? He's like...

But I almost kind of hope there's a werewolf.

But I am going to fix this, trust me.

But I don't know any hispanics or n****es.

But I have another job for you.

But I know burnt pubes when I smell 'em!

But I may have to wait them out.

But I meant it when I said I'd do anything

But I sure won't forget it.

But I thought they loaded all you G.I.S down

But I was a murderer before you turned me into a freak,

But I wonder. What if we had a comedy night?

But I'm not gonna have that,

But I'm not working any angle, so...

But if I were you, I'd just go ahead and jump out.

But if it'll help you decide,

But if maybe you wanted some dope...?

But if you help me, I can help you

But if you think about it, which I guess you can't,

But if you want me to let you live, chief,

But instead I'm looking for a damn finger.

But it shows what you know,

But it wastes so much less air conditioning

But it's like, at some point, you gotta question your choices.

But my brother got her pregnant in the first place.

But not really,

But on some level, it's gotta be pretty frustrating.

But putting aside, for now,

But she can't be dressed like a maid,

But since I'm guessing that was

But so far, she's done nothing. Right?

But that better be the last time I smell you

But that's how father prefers it.

But the other half says you're slightly more use to me alive.

But then business kind of dropped off.

But then you didn't let me finish.

But then... how...

But trust me, it is utterly delicious.

But trust me, they're quite delicious.

But try that hard on shit with me,

But want to know the best part? That wasn't it?

But what are you gonna do with them, Poovey?

But what?

But when you hit the ground,

But whoever they were, betcha they're pissed.

But you got to pull yourself together!

But you have to promise to set

But you're gonna have to repeat that.

But your employer, Mr. Trexler, does. It's not his body!

But, I mean, not really? Really.

But, uh, get me out of here alive, and the ransom money, we'll call it even, okay?

But, unfortunately,

But... and then you're gonna help me find

But... no, I'm not cutting off her...

But... that's for a tooth, dummy,

Buy a single orange? That's...

By a Brazilian wandering spider.

By all those Chinese broads.

By way of north Africa and Sicily.

By which I mean the police!

Call her parents posing as a kidnapper,

Can he hear us?

Can I buy you a drink?

Can I help you?

Can I... help you?

Can I... help you?

Can obvious prostitutes do that?

Can somebody...

Can we eventually get to Trexler's?

Can you hotwire it? No.

Can you... Oh, right. LAPD. We're looking for a...

Careful what you wish for.

Casper?

Caw! Caw! Seriously.

CECIL: So, Trinette, as a prostitute,

CECIL: There's no incest!

Chang Poovey.

Charlotte Vandertunt,

Charlotte Vandertunt?

Charlotte's ostensible severed finger?

Ciao! Alrighty, then.

Cigarette? No, thanks.

Claiming that he is the kidnapper.

Clams! What?

Close. I'm a private investigator.

Come on, Archer. Get your shit together.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

Come on, I don't have all goddamn day!

Come on, man, jam it in there

Come on, move it! What're you, hourly?

Come on, move it.

Come on, you bent prick, look up.

Come on! Come on! Move your asses!

Come on. Come on. Move your lazy asses.

Come on. Listen.

Come to think of it, so screw.

Come to think of it, where were you last night?

Comedians, little routines...

Commandeered a vehicle.

Commandeering this vehicle.

Common misconception. Frankenstein was the doctor

Cops took it

Could be another three months.

Could be tomorrow,

Could be... Yeah.

Could they possibly be celebrating?

Could we ever possibly be together?

Couldn't sleep.

Cryptic. Nice.

Daaaamn!

Dammit, Archer! You did that on purpose!

Dammit, they're in defilade, I can't see what they're doing.

Dammit! Drive the car, you asshole!

Dammit.

Damn it, I don't care if the number's unlisted!

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it. I gotta at least tip her.

Damn, man! Why the hell'd you do that?

Damn! You see.

Deeply. Very well.

Defraud an old man out of a million dollars

Depends. What's your angle, Shamus?

Depends. Who's asking?

Depleted the global strategic pie reserves?

Dick.

Did someone catch you snooping?

Did someone named Gurnk take it?

Did ya get 'em?

Did you beat a Guinea pig to death

Did you find Charlotte Vandertunt?

Did you have a follow up to that, or...

Did you hear the one about...

Did you kill her?

Did you see that? Yeah.

Did... wait. Shit. They both are.

Diminishing returns, cliff!

Dirty cop. Well, or any tradesman, really.

Distinguished service cross

Do I look like a junkie to you?

Do what he tells you.

Do what now? What the hell are you doing?

Do what? What?

Do you have a cat? I smell dander.

Do you have any idea how bad that is...

Do you hear me? Yes. We're right here.

Do you know how much I don't care?

Do you know how much I don't care?

Do you know who I work for?

Do you know whose truck this is?

Do you think it was one of Trexler's goons?

Do you wanna get caught? We're not gonna get caught.

Do you wanna go?

Do you? You're saying this is all my fault.

Do your worst.

Do..

Does a semi private investigator incur?

Doing a little work for your boss, Mother.

Doing good? Having a swell time?

Doing in a place like this?

Doing in a place like this?

Doing the same thing over and over

Don't be stupid!

Don't exactly make us war heroes.

Don't you have a house to haunt?

Don't you move, you sick bugger!

Door wide open, none of Trexler's goons around?

Double double, toil and trouble...

Down in the sub basement.

Down! Down! Down! Goddammit, do these muttz even speak Engl...

Dreamland? Do you know Lana Kane?

Dreamland... has a whole goddamn

Drop the ransom off, and with a bit of luck,

Duh huh.

During foreplay!

Dynamite would blow her teeth all over the stupid beach.

Eat a dick, Gort.

Eh, I try not to judge people.

Eh. Yeah, so...

Ergo, this plan is perfect!

Escape, obviously

Especially when you think about

Even if I shoved an entire uncooked breakfast in there...

Even one as phony as a three dollar bill.

Every 12 hours.

Everybody knows it's forbidden.

Everything is my business.

Everything seems under control here, so we'll just, um...

Everything!

Ew!

Ew! Ow!

Eww! Don't you start!

Eww! Son of a...

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly. And this is the last place

Exactly. That face right there.

Exactly. Whose fault is that?

Excellent.

Excuse me! Doctor, where are you taking this patient?

Excuse me! I am effecting an arrest!

Excuse me?

Excuse me? No.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Eyeglasses, dark hair, gray at the temples,

Fair enough.

Family situation.

Fat Mike. Aw!

Father, do you wanna see

Father, say good bye to Charlotte's ostensible kidnapper!

Father, say hello to Charlotte's kidnapper.

Feels pretty good, huh, Dutch?

Figgis is counting on that ransom money.

Figgis, get your ass out here!

FIGGIS: No. I'm protecting the ransom money.

FIGGIS: Poovey, if you don't shut up...

Figgis. Archer.

Figuratively!

Figures he'd be a goddamn slob.

Fine. Then drive. Actually, we're here.

Finish your call, Pelham, and then Mr. Archer needs a drink.

First I need to count it to make sure you didn't steal any.

First of all, I... Wait.

First of all, if I wanted your seed...

First of all, that's just hurtful.

Flown here from Haiti at great expense,

For a bottle of frustration.

For all we know, those were Trexler's guys!

For an additional $10,000.

For anybody to think I would be at the office, so...

For hijacking my truckload of whores!

For his hands on approach. Maybe.

For losing his Chinese sex slaves!

For man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live,

For Mother to blame me for the drop going tits up.

For now.

For one thing, I have military experience, so...

For stealing Trexler's whores!

For the cuddles, huh?

For the exchange of the ransom money for my horrible sister?

For the last time! I am not a transvestite!

For the love of god, man, do something!

For the rest of your short life!

For the sex slaves Trexler was gonna...

For the... I'm not a transvestite!

For the... We had sex!

For those magical disappearing whores,

For what? What are you...

For which I am prepared to offer you $10,000.

For you, Archer,

Forgive you? For wh..

Four? Out of... five?

Full of clues and then start rampaging, but... holy shit,

Gasp. And I pulled my gun

Genitals? Yes, where did we land on that?

Get 'em jobs.

Get me outta here alive, all right?

Get up there and entertain those people

Get up, dummy. We gotta go.

Get up, you lummox! Huh?

Get... St stay and watch you finish.

Getting chased by goddamn robots!

Getting the caviar stains out of my spats.

Getting your tits screwed off for a change.

Go back there,

Go easy, Archer. Poovey, I swear to Christ,

Go get it!

Go nuts.

Go where?

Go!

Go! Go!

God, the week.

God... Damn it!

Goddammit, Poovey!

Goddammit!

Goddammit!

Goddammit! I..

Goddammit.

Goddammit.

Goddammit.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it! And my service weapon!

Goddamn it! What?

Goddamn it! Yeah, so, like an insurance policy.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn.

Goddamn.

Gonna do your armpits?

Good evening, ladies.

Good idea! Here, lemme give you a hand with that!

Good lord. You should have

Good.

Got grass and goddamn dirt up my crack.

Grand larceny... oh, and while we're on the subject,

Great Scott! Wha...

Great, while you're at it arrest him!

Great.

Great. Come back at midnight. I'll give you the details.

Grinding against your spine.

Grnk!

Grrrrghh...

Guess I better not stall.

Guess I'll just ride with this mook.

Guess Trexler's not opening a Chinese restaurant.

Guess.

Guy? Nazi scientist...

Ha ha! Holy shit!

Ha haa!

Ha! Oh, man, was my fake name not the best?

Had to serve in support units.

Hair trigger my ass, gimme that!

Halberds! No, no, no, no, did you...

Hang on

Hang on, lemme try something.

Hang on.

Hang on. (gulping)

Hang on. Did I just open that?

Hang on. I got everybody's but mine. Uh...

Hang on. Tsk. I know you from Dreamland.

Hang on. Uh, hey, let me see your service weapon.

Hang on. We still gotta get our fingerprint cards.

Hard surface.

Hardy har har

Hardy har har.

Has this happened before?

Have been typical about that?

He cometh up and is cut down like a flower.

He did, for a heroin addict.

He didn't tell me to do it.

He died in prison thanks to tertiary neurosyphilis.

He fleeth as it were a shadow.

He is immortal!

He killed my guys!

He needs a hospital!

He said he didn't believe that I'd been kidnapped. Yes, he...

He said, coyly. Silence, prisoner.

He was one of... No, he was my best customer.

He what?

He... let me guess!

He'd ever think to look for us, so... Hey, guys!

He'll be dead in... Ten hours

He'll freeze to death in there!

He's a goddamn robot!

He's dead. What?

He's gonna keep her locked up here,

He's gonna, he's gonna, we gotta...

He's not lookin' too good! You're lookin' real good.

He's the biggest mobster in L.A.

He's walking around dead and just doesn't know it yet.

Heading into this half cocked.

Heiress to the vast Vandertunt Publishing Fortune?

Heiress to the vast Vandertunt publishing fortune.

Heiress to the vast Vandertunt publishing fortune.