Family Guy - Season 1 Edit

A beautiful performance from "Brain" Griffin!

A big raise!

A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman.

A failed robbery at Quahog Bank and Trust..

A government grant.

A little help?

A little service here!

A little. But thanks to him, me and Chris have never been closer.

A pet store! Guadalajara, Mexico!

A pregnant woman

A professional? There's treachery afoot!

A thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual

A time machine. Sure. Here's where the flux capacitor goes

A trip? Like to the beach? Because I didn't bring my swimsuit

A vision quest is a sacred spiritual journey

A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham

About 10 years ago I was investigating a robbery at an orphanage.

Absolutely outrageous

Absolutely. The children get to play our games

Actually, better make it like 600

Actually, Charlie's got the high score

Actually, I do. I enjoy it so much I'm going to do it again!

Actually, I was gonna use the little girl as a human shield...

Actually, the name's Griffin

Actually, the Swedish people run the gamut from very short to tall

Actually, we're back on the air in Quahog

After all, it's only a dog show.

After years of study, I've discovered the secret to Ionger Iife in canines.

Again! Again!

Albeit an articulate and charismatic one.

All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment

All right

All right, break it up!

All right, Brian. We got it all sewn up.

All right, I'll do that, too! Can you at least take Chris to his game?

All right, Joe! Come on! Yeah!

All right, Joe! Run!

All right, Joe! Way to earn that parking space!

All right, Meg. Now here's your first lesson

All right, men, the man in white is coming to put me back in the womb

All right, pal! You've stolen your last Christmas

All right, Peter

All right, stand back!

All right, then let's eat.

All right, who wants to be next? You? You?

All right, you guys

All right, you guys wait right here.

All right, you guys. Let's get out of here

All right!

All right! Did you see that?

All right! Her first drum solo

All right! We did it! Let's get the hell out of here

All right! You know I spoil you

All right! You know I spoil you

All right! You've got three days to earn a badge!

All right. 90210

All right. Begin. Hello, married couple. I see you found a puppy

All right. Have fun, Chris

All right. I won a watch. What's The Dukes of Hazzard?

All right. Now I want you boys to scream real loud at my ass.

All right. Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.

All Scouts have to sit in the semicircle!

All set, sir.

All the shows are starting to run together

All the stuff that makes you happy..

All units! A major robbery is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust

All you gotta do is gut it, clean it, scale it, and cook it

Although you were right about that prune smoothie.

Am I right? Who's with me?

Am I to strut about all day like a beggar child on the streets of Calcutta?

Amazing. You can barely drive a car

And a "So sage" McBiscuit, please

And a Griffin never knows when to stop

And a pack of Eldorados, unfiltered.

And as for Linda?

And as you can see, they look great

And before l knew it, l'd lost $40. l'm so embarrassed

And Brian...

And by ''reproductive organ, '' I mean the thing between your knees

And by ''sink, '' I mean your reproductive organ

And by ''the thing between your knees, '' I....

And by that I mean I'II have sex with you

And by that, I mean I'II fix your sink

And damn it, Schneider!

And did you know that Sweden gave us the brilliant inventor, Alfred Nobel?

And even though society has turned its back on you..

And everybody learns a valuable lesson.

And get the lead out, pudgy!

And Griffin, right now, your son needs you to listen to him

And he also killed a bunch of Krauts at Wounded Knee

And he always listened, you know?

And her hooters ain't bad either!

And I can't say no to Joe. Ever.

And I don't think you've got the g****s!

And I know this! Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple.

And I wish you were because we're out.

And I'm proud of you, Peter. You taught us all a valuable lesson

And I'm real sorry I forgot that, buddy.

And I'm through taking care of you and your bar buddies!

And if he's so remarkable, let's see him do this

And if that's wrong, maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials

And if they win enough tickets, they get a prize

And if you add the measure of the angles of a right triangle, the sum..

And in five seconds, you turn it into low tide at the pier

And it's gotta be a real vision

And maybe a trick or two. It'll be like taking candy from a baby.

And me, I like the sauce

And neither will that guy

And no matter what, I'll always stand by him

And now back to Action News 5. Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack

And now, one year hence, he's returning to rectify his mistake and..

And part of growing up means facing your problems head on

And she deserves better.

And so the Lord God smote poor Job..

And sure, sometimes we have arguments, like when he's sleeping on the bed and...

And that entitles me to a share of your wampum, kemosabe.

And that includes you. Understood?

And that secret is

And that time I snuck into Wimbledon

And that time I snuck into Wimbledon

And that's exactly what we're gonna do

And that's ogle your wife

And the prize goes to The von Trapp Family Singers!

And the whole family appreciates it.

And then his guiding spirit must appear to him..

And then there was that time at the ice cream store.

And there was that time I took a whiz in public

And there's a naked priest sitting there. And he..

And to think, if I hadn't taken Chris to his soccer game...

And trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples

And we love our fluffy kitty.

And what's the deal with "New" England anyway?

And when I do, Mother, victory shall be..

And when the kids at school see us on TV..

And who did?

And worst of all, I lied to my wife

And you as well!

And you just feel so good inside

And you know what that means? That means l love you.

And you know what? I'm one of them

And your family gives you love.

And your puppies' puppies? Am I the only one who's outraged here?

And, in all fairness, Star Trek was here first.

And, Meg, today she wants you to be with the family

Another beer!

Another chick flick

Anybody seen Stewie?

Anybody want more pizza rolls?

Anything on that remote lower than mute?

Apology accepted. All right, I'm going to work

Are you a woman?

Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?

Are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to show you my ass?

Are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

Are you kidding? Scott fell last week.

Are you kidding? You can borrow whatever you want

Are you nuts, Peter? You'll never get away with this

Are you okay?

Are you sleeping on the job?

Are you Timmy?

Aren't you coming?

As for you, kind sage, I only hope my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm...

As long as you're not using it for firewater

As the man, I order you to give me permission to go to this party

Ass ahoy

At last! My time device is complete! Just one final adjustment. There.

At least I bought us some time

Attention, please.

AUTOMATED lNDlAN: WeIcome to our casino, paIefaces

Back to work, people

Because it's Rule 142 B!

Because it's Rule 142 B!

Because my wife makes this beef a roni casserole.

Because of an accident at the Quahog Cable Company..

Because there's a five year sleepover at the big house. And you're invited

Because we really like your car?

Because when he comes home, I want him to know he never left our thoughts.

Because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me

Before you know it, you're using my supermarket..

Believe me, Cleveland. Our wives need some time off as much as we do.

Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert

Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!

Besides CHiPs is about to start

Bicuspid! We meet again.

Big man, can't even afford to buy an air conditioner for your family.

Birthday dude? Do you want some ice cream?

Blast you and your estrogenical treachery!

Blast you, woman! Awake from your damnable reverie!

Blast!

Blast! Must be some kind of proprietary command system

Blasted matriarch!

Bo Derek!

Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan. He played in college

Bonnie, it's Peter

Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!

Boring. I'll go see what else is on. Peter! Keep an eye on Stewie.

Boy, I hope Lois is watching

Boy, it sure is great being thin and popular

Boy, she's pretty pissed

Boy! A Pound Poochie!

Boy! Look

Boy. Do I know that feeling

Boy. I really let Lois down this time

Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one

Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Bravo!

Brian

Brian, come! Don't you walk out on me!

Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter

Brian, maybe I had you pegged wrong.

Brian, Stewie's birthday is gonna suck.

Brian, you're embarrassing me.

Brian!

Brian. You could win for sure.

Brian's tennis ball.

Build a bar! That's a great idea

Burn in hell!

But at that moment, I realized I had a whole lifetime to make new friends

But Dad

But Dad, the TV's back on

But did you have to buy breast implants for Chris?

But he doesn't even know I exist. He must think I'm a total dog.

But he wishes to know what compensation you offer

But he's the one who should be earning that badge

But hopefully not the kind who stays out all day and doesn't call..

But I can't turn time forward

But I do anyway because I am not a robot!

But I don't want to be different

But I gotta make sure Lois knows I'm doing it

But I know he only accepted that money...

But I would do anything for you, Brian.

But improvise, that'll be easier on my back.

But it interfered with my studies

But l'm really proud of you, Chris

But let my boy win this race

But Mom..

But Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?

But most Native Americans are proud..

But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed

But only one chance to get a new car. And I had to take it

But Pops, l must race! Ha ha!

But soon, and for the rest of your life

But thank God that's not the case. You're a Scout

But the law is the law and can't be circumvented by pretty words.

But the way I wear my hat..

But we should be thanking him

But we're exhausted.

But we're not allowed to return gambling losses

But what he needs to remember is that we love him

But what l can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.

But will you be prancing when there's nothing to prance about?

But with number two on the way, Joe thought it was time to move

But would any of you take the time to help me?

But you know how lousy I am with housework

But you see, I'm in searing pain!

But your children's children will know that you fell for a noble cause

But, Dad, I thought..

But, Dad, l was supposed to build it myself. lt's a rule

But, of course. That was my victory day. The fruition of my deeply laid plans..

But... But I was gonna be a hero

Butter Rum's my favorite

Bye bye, Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you good night

Call an ambulance. She's going into labor

Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth grade level

Can I go?

Can I see your license, boy?

Can we put her out in the yard for a while?

Can you believe that guy? "Do you have a screwdriver I can borrow?"

Can you check again?

Can you count to three? Indeed I can

Can you let me pistol whip you a couple times for the camera?

Can you spare some change?

Can't feel my eyes

Can't live without TV. Must see TV

Can't you get the money another way?

Can't you two go back to the way you used to be?

Canada sucks

Captain's log, Stardate 8169.7

CBS.

Changing the channel when something boring comes on

Charles Montrose, after all these years.

Check this out, you guys.

Children, the time of ascension has arrived.

Chris, get out of here! You're not allowed in my room.

Chris, go to your room!

Chris, l am going to stand up, walk out of this room..

Chris, that's a terrible word! "Nipple."

Chris, this is a big day for you. The day you become the man of the house

Chris, this is the speed machine that's gonna win you the soapbox derby

Chris, what are you doing here?

Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that

Chris, you're hogging up all the fans!

CHRlS: Dad, l'm hungry. Are we gonna die? Of course not

CHRlS: Look out!

Class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals..

Clear!

Clear!

Clear!

Clearly. I'm gonna put it on right now.

Clowns and petting zoos book months in advance

Cocktail parties, school functions, that time we planted trees in Jerusalem

Come along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen

Come back, Meg!

Come on, Baby Heimlich, spit it out

Come on, baby! Mama's gotta sparkle! It's time to make life a cabaret!

Come on, boys. Let's go hit the buffet

Come on, Brian.

Come on, Brian. I gotta get to softball practice

Come on, Brian. We had a deal.

Come on, Brian. We really need a new air conditioner.

Come on, everyone

Come on, everyone.

Come on, guys

Come on, guys. Wait up

Come on, help me scatter car parts on the front lawn

Come on, kids. Bedtime.

Come on, kids. Let's get going

Come on, llsa! Get on it!

Come on, Lois.

Come on, Lois. I hate to see you so upset

Come on, Lois. It'll still be perfect. We'll give him the best birthday ever..

Come on, move it! Oh, man! Chris, this place is great

Come on, Peter

Come on, Stewie

Come on, sugar. It's time.

Come on, Timmy! Throw the Silly Ball!

Come on, we all did stupid stuff when we were kids, right?

Come on, you bastard! I'm late for work

Come on, you guys

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on! That one's not even real!

Come on. All l gotta do is have a spiritual vision

Come on. All you gotta do is a few simple commands.

Come on. Give him a little more time

Come on. Let's go

Come on. Rules were made to be broken

Come on. This thing goes up to 90

Come on. You're worrying about nothing

Come to my basement tonight and drag your husbands out of there

Come.

Compared to that, welfare fraud doesn't even matter

Congratulations in all your success. Here's your welfare check

Congratulations. It's a boy.

Cool! The bank is getting jacked!

Could've been a lot worse if the cops...

Crafty swine.

Crap

Crap!

Crap! Don't hit it to Joe

Creepy

Cute as a button...

Dad, can l come?

Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online...

Dad, maybe we should go home

Dad, maybe we should just give up. l mean, we tried everything

Dad, the Scouts are no fun. And l.... Wait a minute

Dad, watch out!

Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license

Dad, what are we doing here again?

Dad, what are you doing here? I'm so embarrassed, I could die!

Dad, what are you doing? Get out of here!

Dad, what would you say if l told you l didn't want to be in the Scouts?

Dad, you don't really have to do this

Dad!

Dad? Can l talk to you?

Dad. That's your solution to everything.

Daddy, I'm sorry I ran you over and killed Mr. Shatner

Daddy, now that I've finally passed my driver's test..

Daddy, you must think I'm the worst daughter ever

Daddy's gonna make a little withdrawal

Damn it to the bowels of bloody hell!

Damn it, JuIie! I am not shacking up with my boyfriend

Damn it, JuIie. I'm a singIe mother doing the best damn job she knows how!

Damn it!

Damn it! I can't achieve transcendence by myself

Damn you all!

Damn you, vile woman!

Damn you! You're one of them, aren't you?

Damn, Schneider! What won't you say?

Damn!

Damn! What do to? Wait for it..

Dang. I got honey all over my legs.

Day 171. I've sprouted another finger, counting the one from yesterday

Deal. He can go.

Diane, that last report was so good, I think you deserve a spanking

Diarrhea.

Dick, you ever wonder what's outside those walls?

Did I bring the porno? You're gonna love it. It's a classic

Did someone say Tex Mex?

Did you bring the porno?

Do I know you?

Do not go until l wave my flag. l can't stress that enough

Do you have reservations?

Do you know how hard it was to get a reservation at Cheesie Charlie's?

Do you know what a vision quest is?

Do you know your phone number, son?

Do you think she'll wait for me?

Do you want to win this thing or not?

Does a dog not feel?

Does it work?

Does not every dog have his day?

Domestic disturbance..

Don't believe that. I always keep my eyes on the road

Don't do that. That's what they expect you to do.

Don't flatter yourself, honey. I don't have any sweat glands

Don't forget how badly we were humiliated last year by Pawtucket Joke and Novelties

Don't get too close. They say I'm dangerous.

Don't keep me in suspense

Don't let him sweet talk you like that.

Don't move!

Don't pout, honey. When you were born..

Don't push too hard, Peter.

Don't say that, Brian. Peter is working on your appeal.

Don't take no for an answer, Chris. You're a Griffin

Don't talk about your mother that way. She is not an iron

Don't talk like that!

Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.

Don't worry, Brian. I got a plan

Don't worry. He won't get far without this.

Don't worry. I got a way to get money

Don't worry. I'll get you out of this.

Don't worry. I'll still put food on this table

Don't worry. Joe's an excellent negotiator.

Don't worry. Once I'm of this body cast, I'll do enough living for me and Bill

Don't you think you should have alerted the government..

Don't you want to play first?

Double fault!

Down there?

Duckie?

Dumb broad

E flat, Salieri! E flat!

Easy, fella. That's my kid. Now apologize.

Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket.

Eat with us, Brian. I made cinnamon buns.

Eating the last slice of pizza so the rest of us don't fight over it

Egads! The blueprints for my time machine!

Eight is enough.

Engage!

Enough!

Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain...

Even Cheesie Charlie's doesn't have a petting zoo.

Eventually, she'll find out where you're going every day.

Everyone in the tribe gets a share in the casino's profits.

Everything's all set for Stewie's birthday party.

Evidently, madam, you and l differ greatly in our conception of beauty

Excellent!

Excellent! The mind control device is nearing completion!

Excellent. The weather machine is nearly completed

Except for that one thing your mother does

Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That was for Peter

Excuse me

Excuse me, Your Honor? Yes?

Excuse me. I've gotta go mix the punch

Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.

Face it. You're a terrible liar

Facts of Life Transformers, huh? Watch the transformation

Fantastic, Lois! l saw my guiding spirit

Fare thee well, broccoli!

Fast Animals, Slow Children

FeeI free to visit gift shop in Iobby and restaurant on second fIoor

Feels like accountants are cranking adding machines in my head

Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call Child Services!

Finally. A little recognition

Fine

Fire!

Folks in Hazzard County hadn't seen a watch fight in a long time

FONZlE: Yo, Griffin!

Football!

Football!

For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.

For God's sake, Peter

For once, it was all gonna be so perfect!

For the last time, I'm not Lola! I'm Leslie Uggams!

For the love of God

For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

Forever and ever

Forget about it. I thought my leg was never gonna stop

Forget it, Mike

Forget it! False alarm!

Freak. So stay inside and stay cool.

Freedom! What do you want?

From the top, people! Why don't you just hang back and stretch?

Funny guy, Tom Hanks. Everything he says is a stitch.

Fuzzy

Gang shooting on Third and Main. Three wounded, one dead

Gather round, everyone. It's time for Stewie's big moment

Gee whiz, gang

Get away from me, you crazy animal!

Get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!

Get out of here, you mouth breather!

Get out, you horrid woman!

Get over it, Brian. I mean, how bad do you really have it here?

Give me back my sock, you goat bastard!

Give Tammy a round of applause

Go find him, apologize, and bring him home.

Go to hell! Whoops

Go, Brian!

Go, Chris! Daddy loves you! I mean in a platonic way. I'm married

Go, cyborg!

Go!

God

God damn it

God, he can't expect Brian to do that.

God, how does he always know?

God, I hate high school. I don't fit in with anyone

God, I hate this freaking cat.

God, my life is over

God, no!

God! We gotta stop!

God. Brian, don't do this.

God. I hope the boss isn't watching.

Good God, man!

Good job, Scout

Good Lord. You saw them together, didn't you?

Good luck filling our spot by this Saturday

Good luck, sweetness.

Good morning Quahog. The heat wave has finally broken.

Good morning, Brian.

Good night, Brian. And welcome home.

Good night, you guys. Good night.

Good point.

Good to be here in New England

Good. I was afraid you were just gonna improvise

Good. Roll over.

Gosh, I'd like to help. But I've gotta go out in the hall..

Gosh. I can't separate a kid that young from his father. It's unjudgmenly

Great news! The City Council agreed to hear your case!

Great! Then all you need is a dark blue jogging suit

Great. Is there a problem, Officer?

Great. Lois is getting chummy with the new neighbors

Great. Say, you don't happen to have any picture wire, do you?

Greetings, man in white. I've been expecting you

Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snakepit

Griffin is disqualified!

Griffin, I got a bone to pick with you

Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say?

Gross. Did he just drink from the fountain?

Guess what, Mom?

Guess what, Mom? Jennifer invited me to a party on Saturday

Guillermo, you're up

Guys, I want to say a toast to you, Quagmire, Cleveland...

Guys, our money problems are over! We're officially on welfare.

Guys?

Ha ha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York!

Half man, half machine

Hand ball! Penalty kick, blue!

Hands off, fatty!

Have you ever felt like you're dirty?

Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?

Have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?

Haven't you ever seen a stand up comedian, Lois?

Haven't you guys learned anything?

He can hit, he can throw..

He could just be another moocher.

He did curse my name just before the injection

He did?

He failed to thwart my escape into the outside world.

He found this one spot behind my ear, I..

He may even be downright stupid

He must be the hired professional of whom they spoke

He must hear the wisdom of the rocks and trees

He must remain there until he can communicate with nature

He sure gets it

He'll be here, Mr. Weed. You should see this guy in action.

He's a little cranky from teething

He's a remarkable man and the rest of your family adores him!

He's an lndian

He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us

He's cool, Dad. He killed a guy

He's cute. Aren't you precious? Lethal injection. Next!

He's going to a stag party

He's lying. There's no doubt about that

He's the law outside this house just like I'm the law inside this house.

He's up in his room sulking, Dad.

He's upstairs, resting up for his big day

He's wearing a white collared shirt, kind of big, with glasses

Hell. Hell has fire

Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one..

Hello, Mother. Hi there, sweetie.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Help me.

Help!

Help! Someone just stole my purse!

Her first words?

Here it comes

Here we are. "Come to Managua, the Mecca of mercenaries. "

Here, kitty, kitty. Come on down nice and easy.

Here, let me show you the turbo booster

Here's to family!

Hey there, little boy. Are you lost?

Hey there, little fella

Hey, Dad, let's go whack some moles!

Hey, Dad, they even got games in the bathroom

Hey, Dad.

Hey, everybody! Time to limbo!

Hey, I just suggested a line of handi capable toys, you know..

Hey, Lois

Hey, Lois, look. The two symbols of the Republican party..

Hey, Lois. You're just in time for the exciting conclusion

Hey, look at me. I'm walking. I'm a remarkable man

Hey, look! I fell in the pool with my clothes on!

Hey, Peter!

Hey, Petey!

Hey, Stinky. Have we got some big plans for you

Hey, there's my family

Hey, UPN

Hey, you!

Hey, you. Hit me

Hey!

Hi

Hi

Hi, honey

Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom

Hi, Mom. This is Jennifer. She gave me a ride home.

Hi. How's it going?

Hi. I'm Jennifer

Hi. I'm Meg. I live next door.

Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down..

Hideo san would be honored to play for your team

Him and his crazy get rich quick schemes

Him? Yeah. He's a real lightweight

Hit it!

Hiya, Joe

Hold it

Hold it!

Hold it!

Hold it! Lois may have had her heart set on this place..

Hold up the picture. Let's see

Holy crap

Holy crap!

Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!

Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Homemade cinnamon buns fresh from the tube.

Honey, can't we go back to the way things used to be?

Honey, I knew everything would turn out okay

Honey, I know you're hurting.

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game..

Honey, I'm begging you. Drop Chris off at his soccer game..

Honey, I'm doing the dishes

Honey, if there's something wrong, you can tell me

Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it

Honey, sagging lips are just nature's way..

Honey. I took a cab home, I slept on the table..

Hong Kong Phooey!

Hot enough for you?

Hot!

How about a little me time?

How are you coming, Johnson?

How come you're still setting a place for Brian?

How could you let me down like that, Brian?

How cute. It's a time machine!

How dare I? Where do you think you're going?

How dare you fill my head with such loathsome propaganda?

How dare you upset me this close to showtime!

How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind

How dare you?

How do you know?

How hilarious is that? That is so Peter Griffin

How hot is it?

How ironic

How long do these vision quests usually take?

How much are we getting?

How was your shower?

How'd she take it?

How's your job search going?

Hurry! Joe! All right! Yes, vamos!

I ain't saying nothing! All right, it was Jimmy the Hat!

I almost walked right into that one

I also like Radiohead

I also miss my nads

I am just going away for the weekend.

I am the man of the house

I asked you to fix that damn sink two days ago!

I beg your pardon?

I bet he also didn't tell you he never helps me around the house.

I bet your gums are still sore

I build stuff and I have a criminal record.

I built that thing so my friends..

I can finally afford to give my little girl the lips she's always dreamed of

I can fix that

I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web

I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal

I can't believe he's almost a year old.

I can't believe I let Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. TV is evil

I can't believe I punched a woman

I can't believe my dad is in there

I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter

I can't believe you'd put your family before your own daughter!

I can't leave the premises. They're monitoring my every move.

I can't taste salt.

I can't wait to build one of these of my own

I claim this mouth in the name of Incisor!

I confirmed everything with the birthday party planner..

I could've broken my neck.

I could've sworn his favorite was "treat Peter like crap" buns.

I could've. That man has got magic fingers

I couldn't.

I did not see that coming

I did not! Forget it

I didn't have gas for the first time until I was 30

I didn't want to overload her on her first time out

I didn't wreck TV! My dad did!

I do them because I love my family

I don't believe this

I don't believe this.

I don't care what it is! That guy's ruining a perfectly good game of football!

I don't get it

I don't get it.

I don't have any change. Sorry.

I don't know

I don't know

I don't know how much longer I can last

I don't know how those two manage to be so perky in the morning.

I don't know how to thank you.

I don't know what we'd do without you.

I don't know what's more questionable, your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity

I don't know, Peter. Lips are one thing

I don't know. I can't imagine choosing life over television

I don't know. I mean I don't even know where my papers are.

I don't know. I saw the one chance..

I don't know. Like, around 98, 99.

I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice

I don't miss a thing. We now return to Star Trek

I don't need your damn leash, or you!

I don't suppose you could let us off with a warning?

I don't think I can do this.

I don't think I'm in the right place

I don't think so.

I don't think that's the expression.

I don't think you should use the word "freak".

I don't think your wife would appreciate that

I don't wanna be like everyone else

I don't want any trouble.

I don't want to impose

I dropped her off an hour ago

I enjoyed it so much, I thought we'd eat again tomorrow

I feel great! I haven't got a job in the world.

I feel kind of bad, guys. I promised my wife I wouldn't drink

I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Peter

I figured the sooner I cashed the check...

I gave the money back. Why are you still steamed?

I get all the channels on this thing

I got a deposit check for my kid's party right here

I got a new dress

I got another one where Natalie's one of those spittin' lizards from Jurassic Park.