Family Guy - Season 15 Edit

A And it's happened five times since then,

A bed and breakfast in the country,

A bird got in! Awesome!

A book by the only respected guy in the world named Scott.

A door open dook in the bathroom!

A family all your own?

A freedom of choice issue, they're a public health issue

A gazelle in a high waisted swimsuit!

A goddess!

A good boy deep inside, Peter.

A guy at work said I dress like crap

A little of David Spade goes a long way

A lot of people seem to be turned off

A musical about Alexander Hamilton.

A pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear

A phone and a face?

A small town boy with big city dreams

A son to whom I could one day give a piece of sour plum candy

A Tumblr account and he's clumsy

A waterfall!

A whole extra script right here

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! What is it?

Aah! Bitch!

Aah! Mom, Dad! A bat, a bat!

Aah! Ow!

Aah! The bones in my nose!

Aah! We're all gonna die!

About how sad you are and put it online

About some business.

About the one thing more important

About the risks of vaccinations

About vaccinations

About your private life?

Absolute freak show in there

Absolutely, but just a thought:

Absolutely.

Acting like a hip hop guy

Actually completed their mission in this puppy

Actually, I got it performing

Actually, Stewie, I changed my mind.

Admit it, you wish it was me in that car instead of him!

After every show, the fans are always petting Brian,

After it was all over, I called Lois to pick me up

After this teen kegger party

Again, you'd need a genie.

Ah ha! We are!

Ah, a little scheduling mix up.

Ah, bachelorette party.

Ah, come on, man. I just had a couple of alcohol beers

Ah, come on, that's just stuff you pick up on the site

Ah, come on!

Ah, crap, now everyone knows Chris is a ringer!

Ah, crap! My stomach!

Ah, crap. I don't want to work for him

Ah, crap. This thing was a rental

Ah, damn it!

Ah, Griffin, there you are

Ah, I'm drunk.

Ah, nickels!

Ah, no, Lois, don't tell me

Ah, nothing. Just something stupid

Ah, Santa's all talk

Ah, that hurts

Ah, that was my second guess.

Ah, that's good thinking, Lois

Ah, the Feast of San Gennaro.

Ah, there she goes.

Ah, we just missed her

Ah, well. There you go

Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment

Ah, yes, those must be the bones and skulls.

Ah, you got a standing desk, too?

Ah, you know what? I can't right now.

Ah, your joke wasn't funny enough.

Ah! Damn it! Ah!

Ah! Did you see that? What?

Ah! She's got us both!

Aha! (squeaks)

Aha. You leave that to me

Aisle 25. I was just there

All about stuff babies actually care about.

All at the same time

All he needs is a good, old fashioned game

All I did was Armor All the dash.

All I need to know is: do you have a car,

All of Meg's farts here in this box?

All right, all right

All right, all right, just one second.

All right, all right. We're going to open

All right, Brian, I've written a few songs,

All right, Brian, let's begin

All right, Brian, let's rob these gay guys

All right, but make sure you get it

All right, butthorns,

All right, Chris!

All right, class, let's get started

All right, come on now, pal, seriously,

All right, come on, Peter,

All right, commence

All right, everybody on the floor

All right, everybody, take five

All right, evidently I have to go to the big tree

All right, fine

All right, fine, you bastards can fire me,

All right, Gatsby, you think you're so hot?

All right, I got to go eat an ice cream cone

All right, I guess it'll be a light day today,

All right, I suppose I could get a job.

All right, I'm almost done packing

All right, I'm gonna exit while discreetly

All right, I'm just gonna take a quick swim

All right, if you'll excuse me,

All right, let's do this

All right, let's head out.

All right, listen up, you little pieces of garbage.

All right, now that I'm in charge of this brewery,

All right, now we're gonna go to your home

All right, now, go pick up your picture

All right, Peter, it's time to master the game of chess.

All right, push. Push

All right, red light

All right, Rupert, if we're going to teach Brian a lesson,

All right, so the B&B will have a rack of single gear bikes

All right, Stewie, see you after school

All right, stop the show!

All right, that's a creepy mic check.

All right, that's it, you're fired!

All right, then, I am off.

All right, they're all news chuckling!

All right, this one is for all the mommies out there.

All right, we got our homework.

All right, we got our popcorn from home,

All right, we're Red Shirt Blue Shirt,

All right, well, I'll take my son now.

All right, what else did I have to do today?

All right, you guys are doing great

All right, you guys get gas

All right, you guys ready for church?

All right, you ready?

All right. Let me just burp through my nose for a second,

All these news people

All those flashbacks and cutaway gags we love so much,

All we got to do is take those bets

All your authentic baby experiences?

All your songs sound the same

ALL: Three, two, one!

Almost there, just one more push.

Also in the past.

Also wet.

Also, some of the brewery workers say very hurtful things

Although she did act like a nutcase

Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift?

Am I really heavier than you?

An impossible diva.

An incredible act of heroism

An Italian restaurant there

And "bagels" to "problems"?

And "Fat Nips" and "Big Fat Nips

And a drone with a camera and a gun that fires..

And a man's mind begins to play tricks on him.

And acting like a complete jackass

And acutely sensitive to light?

And an American Girl doll

And and assumed you were okay with it

And and I totally get that the sex thing

And and I'm not judging others for their choices

And and we both called the Apple store,

And and you're still part of the family,

And another thing, I read this piece of garbage script.

And are we married to the Tumblr account?

And assist Indiana Jones on his next adventure.

And be Red Shirt Blue Shirt with me?

And before you go crying to your mom,

And both sides appear to be at an impasse

And Braveheart

And call 911.

And can I have some of your bread?

And catch up with the family

And charge tourists for photos

And clap his hands, and I said, "Eh, that's enough of that

And count the stars.

And cutaway complete

And destroying my reputation

And don't worry, I'm not sticking around

And done

And down the hall they're doing a "white elephant

And drunk women who don't want to spend the holidays alone.

And ended up spilling hot coffee on his balls

And finish that payroll report I asked for?

And for no reason?

And get a job of your own

And get Chris to take a dive!

And go back to the way things were?

And go get the champ a Gatorade, huh?

And grab as much fat ass as you can

And have his family there?

And have the same conversation we're having here

And he could say, "Next year is my star mitzvah

And he locked me in here until the police come.

And he was also in some movie called Senseless

And he was the president of the '90s

And he's trying to impress her

And here comes Marmaduke to lick up the vomit

And here we are... the Family Guy writers' room..

And here's a song we call Mommy and Daddy's Room.

And his enemies

And how wrong they are for having traditional desks

And hurt by men.

And I can get my old job back

And I can't wait to go to the dance tonight

And I could even pay you a little something for your time

And I didn't have any money for a cab

And I don't know if you've considered this,

And I don't know where to find a replacement

And I don't sleep a lot at night 'cause of health stuff

And I found some very interesting things

And I got myself a night

And I hope you didn't mind

And I just used that to get stuff for myself

And I only drink what I like

And I realized Carter could give me all of that

And I tell you, this thing is not easy to fly.

And I think someone may have

And I think this is gonna work out just great

And I want a tricycle and a pony

And I went to the bank for a loan like an adult

And I'd like your most expensive bottle

And I'd love to go to your dance with you

And I'll take his place.

And I'll tell you, I don't know why they call it a "sanitarium."

And I'm gonna help you get it back.

And I'm here to give you the facts about vaccs.

And I'm his girlfriend 'cause he has great genitals.

And I'm impressed with reckless behavior,

And I'm not a genie!

And I'm not gonna let anybody tell me

And I'm shaking my head at the senseless waste

And I'm sorry if I let Olivia manipulate me.

And I've been drinkin' all day from this here jug

And I've never been happier!

And if anyone has a problem with it,

And if anyone needs some dirty underpants,

And if you guys can find it in your hearts to take me back,

And ill advised hookups.

And into that pool down there

And it can be tricky working with an ex.

And it should be pretty hard,

And it's got to be easier than when I was delivering pizzas.

And it's not just our school

And jeopardize your career and your art just for us?

And just so you know there are no hard feelings,

And keeps screaming, "I don't care."

And list a bunch of boring facts.

And look at this one

And look, Joe's arguing with a state policeman

And looks like some guy named Brooks was here,

And make it to the city on the other side.

And make it to the next town,

And maybe I was just looking for a way to feel young again

And maybe we can just go back to being friends?

And me, too!

And neckerchiefs, and I'd give him little patches

And not you.

And nothing matters more than his well being

And now here I am, stuck eating cereal

And now the whole town's gonna hang me by a rope

And now, the Game Show Network presents,

And one of them makes you go sleepy bye with your mouth open.

And only 150 people died, but not anyone we knew personally

And other kid stuff

And pictures of Kanye West with his mouth shut.

And pitchforks.

And placed it in a burlap bag?

And playing Santa, just until the shift ends?

And portions bigger than a horse's head

And replace him with another actor

And replaced by David Spade

And right before the holidays

And Sammy Davis the Third.

And sat you next to my wife to say,

And schedule her next appointment?

And shake it off.

And she freaked out for no reason

And she loves me, old sport

And some of the pictures had both Peter and the girl in them

And sometimes we'll give our guests a fake hard time.

And somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat

And spins a football for some reason

And steal his tables and toilets

And that the the Cloud pulled the pictures or..

And that whole gigolo and pimping thing is over

And that will make us feel better about our life choices

And that's not all

And that's why he has them

And the day before that first day,

And the first rehearsal with David Spade

And the garbage bags on our backs?!

And the jokes are working

And the next day she isn't,

And the quarantine has been lifted

And the whole town is quarantined

And then a record whose proceeds go directly to creditors

And then asking if others also play the kazoo.

And then burn the place down?

And then he becomes a pain in the ass again

And then hold the incision open with a vise grip,

And then I might just sit in that car

And then I'm a teacher

And then Peter, of course, had to join in

And then suture the abdominal lining

And then you're gonna eat it again

And there you have it,

And they said they can't disprove that it doesn't happen,

And this is what the kids are wearing

And this time, it's permanent

And those guys back at the factory can suck it.

And to let you know I quit the band.

And to think I almost took that pop up restaurant gig.

And Tricia Takanawa is moving in with me

And truth is,

And Uncle Craig's written in a different color.

And use the slip joint pliers to get the muscle back in position

And wait for you to pass it,

And we all love the Italian food

And we saw you selling our robes on eBay

And we think it's one you can all relate to.

And we thought we'd drop in and talk to you about the show

And we were wondering if you'd have sex with her for $500

And we won't be afraid to let our guests know

And we'll embarrass Tricia on her big night

And we're actually losing money

And weekend dads playing three minutes of catch,

And what most people don't know

And what's next for Peter Griffin?

And where grandchildren?

And where Peter will learn he's being written off the show

And why are you dressed like that?

And why does my shirt billow so

And why is that?

And with regard to Peter's replacement, well,

And with that, I shall step

And would you like to leave your panties in the fishbowl

And you burned my car

And you can do spin art with all the wussy kids

And you created a guy?

And you guys are all okay with this?!

And you indicate when I should stop

And you knew about this?

And you know to fast the night before?

And you know what's a miracle, kids?

And you're getting a funny vibe from me?

And you're gonna have to walk home.

And you're just riding my coattails.

And your attentions to my wife.

And your cats aren't that cute.

And, Chris, I brought you a T shirt of Kermit the Frog

And, Chris, I'm sorry it didn't work out

And, dollars to donuts, white adults.

And, Nick, have you met Jordan?

And, yes, I'm deaf, but what else am I?

And... we're clear

ANNOUNCER: Correction. The next composition

ANNOUNCER: Say "no" to vaccines.

ANNOUNCER: The next composition is

ANNOUNCER: Think catnip's a joke?

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Rational Geographic.

Answer me, guy in box and guy on cross!

Any time there's a public health crisis in a third world land,

Anybody else want to be a hero?

Anyone who doesn't enjoy the music of Josh Groban

Anyone? No?

Anything?

Anyway, I'll tell you what's on fire: my urethra

Anyway, I'm late for a meeting

Anyway, I've got some time to kill

Anyway, it sounds like it's just a hoot

Anyway, like I was saying, you're a trash, 'cause you

Anyway, the restaurant's gonna go under

Anyway, you just got to do what Taylor Swift does

Anyways, what time's your flight?

Apology accepted.

Apparently, I misread the cue card

Appears to be going very well

Ar Are we taking a terrible 7:00 a.m

Are just whipped together, but they actually

Are playing again this weekend

Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?

Are you banging all these chicks?

Are you Brian?

Are you crazy?!

Are you going to be staying here for awhile?

Are you going to bone her?

Are you gonna be all right?

Are you gonna say, "Who else but Quagmire?"

Are you Peter?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?!

Are you still GlennQ10@aol

Are you willing to risk losing them

Are..

Aren't vaccinating Stewie

Aren't you scared he's gonna do something bad to you?

Argh! I'm a chef aboard a pirate ship!

As a matter of fact, I did

As his parents and previous co stars have learned,

As is the case with many restaurants,

As part of the class action settlement,

As the star of the show,

As you can tell by the "well, well, well,"

Ashley, wait!

Ashley. I love you.

Asiento trasero Trasero!

Ask for two

At 3:00 a week from Thursday.

At a mid sized printing company

At Burt Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter, Florida.

At James Woods High

At least he was alone

At the end of a romantic comedy.

At the moment of impact

At the North Pole

At the Point

At the street fair

Aw, but I'll look like such an ass!

Aw, damn it.

Aw, do we have to go to Dad's funeral?

Aw, he was just here!

Aw, I wish somebody had seen that

Aw, man, Chris, this computer is telling me

Aw, now I want you to live

Aw, that's good. Good for you.

Aw, that's nice of you to say

Aw, that's one of the best fingerings I've ever had

Aw, they did a painting?

Aw, Widow Douglas,

Awesome time!

Awesome! Okay, my first wish is for a thousand wishes

B B B Bird, bird, bird, b b b bird..

Baby songs never tackle real baby issues.

Back to the house?

Backstage with Taylor Swift?

Baseball's the sport people play while eating, right?

Bat Industries was up two dollars a share today

Bats watch a ton of Cinemax softcore porn,

Be tested by independent researchers,

Beats your scrotum with a reed.

Because heartless corporations make billions of dollars

Because I lost the baby!

Because I love you, right?

Because I'm your driver's ed instructor, Brian

Because it was "too provocative

Because it was the year you found that Penthouse

Because of the sex

Because of you, there's a measles epidemic,

Because parents know what's best for their kids.

Because people are stealing the tables

Because they sell their bodies to all types of men

Because this is what Taylor Swift does

Because, Chris, your idiot father

Because, for me, that will always be the summer

Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to..

Before this room is filled with tear gas,

Behind the scenes on the set of Family Guy

Being a slave is a much worse job

Being on this show reminds me

Besides, we've both seen what Stewie's become:

Bet you didn't know.

Better not be for desserts.

Between vaccinations and autism

Big Pete, help!

Bill too crinkly!

Billy, this guy in this book here

Bird!

Bitch, I don't care

Black as night

Black as sin, know what I'm saying?

Blue collar guy than I expected

Boom

Boy, and I thought the Federal Hill bakery had nice buns.

Boy, can't beat this weather..

Boy, I have a whole new respect for Hayden Panettiere

Boy, we picked quite a week to document

Brian, all we want is for parents to have the choice

Brian, bad news

Brian, don't mess this up.

Brian, I can't go. I'm not feeling well.

Brian, it's not your break

Brian, step out of the vehicle

Brian, there's some bad people in here

Brian, this does not seem appropriate

Brian, this seems as good a time as any.

BRIAN: Ah, it's just Billy.

BRIAN: Stewie, is this about anything

Brian? (chuckles) Who are you, my father?

Bring out the snakes!

Bringing in that fat slob?!

BRITISH NARRATOR: Upon realizing a trip to Africa

Bublé over here says he's gonna be a singer.

Buh bye, Lennie

Bumblr with a Tumblr

Bumblr with a Tumblr eventually aired as Bamblr with a Famblr,

Burning in a cardboard house?

But a lazy son who does not make me proud?

But apparently, he's looking to diversify his holdings.

But at least I'm leaving with my dignity

But before we get started, do you own

But can I leave early for a dentist appointment?

But don't you think that's unhealthy?

But everything comes to an end eventually, a and you just..

But first we go to commercial while our sports reporter smiles

But first, congratulations to our very own Tricia Takanawa

But first, let's watch a safety video

But first: pilot strike at Quahog Airport

But he did have to earn it.

But he explained that his phone number

But he he's he's pretty bad

But he went by the Prophet when times were good,

But he'll find out tomorrow at the table read

But I ain't talking to you

But I also kind of feel like there might be scary parts

But I am quick to anger. Okay, great

But I do need to make that spreadsheet or I'm fired.

But I don't care if they like it, Chris

But I don't know, I'll never see it.

But I don't remember having to read any of this

But I don't remember how long I set it..

But I had a feeling that I, Nick "The Situation" Carraway,

But I know now that I'm nothing without all of you

But I like your effort, Luis

But I love it when a man confesses

But I made a promise to my body

But I made all these deviled eggs

But I need to know something

But I pretended not to see.

But I sure do enjoy driving your car

But I wasn't gonna tell Huck, 'cause he claimed

But I'm afraid we are out of time.

But I've been in charge of this office for 16 years..

But I've never actually seen one in person

But imperceptibly more classy mansion

But it doesn't mean anyth... IPDE that

But it doesn't seem like your fans like this

But it happened hundreds of pages ago

But it turns out Chris is a great pitcher

But it turns out the seasonal Santa we hired

But it's okay; it's for gambling

But just didn't have the guts to do it,

But let's go rough up a teenager for beer money!

But let's see if we can get him back next week

But listen, everybody, I realized something

But maybe it's for the best

But Meg still got chicken pox.

But my hot piece of ass wife says no way

But not me. 'Cause I don't like root beer

But now that I'm a gigolo, I'm making money by the fistful

But now you owe me

But now, after our research, we're definitely not

But obviously, you know,

But of course, every episode of Family Guy

But only after I screamed myself into a blackout

But oral stuff while you're driving?

But please stitch me up

But remember, if there's any trouble,

But she's what Derek calls an Oppressing Doubter

But shortly afterwards,

But sir, if word got out about this, it'd be one

But sir..

But that light you've been looking at

But that's the business we call "show

But the back of the seat in front of it is wet.

But the clock is ticking on Stewie's cuteness.

But the point is she hurt us, Carter

But the situation here has become unbearable.

But then I did some research

But there was a time when Snapple ruled the nation

But they sure do listen to Def Leppard pretty loud

But they're going to kill us all!

But tomorrow you should come wearing those.

But tonight they'll be filming the show without Peter Griffin

But tonight, I'm here to take you

But Uber's still a great job

But we just don't see another option

But we'll also have a sign in the front that says,

But we'll find you someone

But we're the entertainment.

But while I do that, why don't you face away from me

But while I have you, your bill remains unpaid,

But why are you so down?

But yeah, you're you're right, it... I I do

But you better keep those goggles

But you can watch movies on it

But you can't get into the pool without a room key

But you don't even know what it is

But you got to work. I set up five appointments

But you make your bodyguards carry your purse.

But you should take it with alcohol.

But you're so nice and normal

But, Dad, the prom is tonight. Over

But, Lois, if Chris wins that game,

But, uh, sure, I'm in.

But, yeah, I'll set it up

But, you know you know what, that's fine.

But, you know, it's not just the Griffins

But... I don't understand

Butch told me to follow my heart.

By foisting garbage and poison upon our children.

By my dishonorable discharge.

By not getting you immunized.

By not vaccinating your child?

C

Called "Tinkles."

Calm down. This is how they package Snapple now

Can get out of the (bleep) car

Can I finger you?

Can I fit this in?

Can I just give you 20 bucks to drop me off?

Can I wear Grandpa's jacket now?

Can we afford this?

Can we go for ice cream?

Can you find it in yourself to forgive me,

Can you grab my belt?

Can you show me how to turn off the flashlight on my phone?

Can you tell me where I can find extension cords?

Can't do it. Let's get him fired

Can't I just work at it and mind my own business?

Can't miss it. Green light on a dock

Captain Cockpit, my friend is about to get married,

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Carter, I I'm starting to feel bad for Tricia

Case closed

Cash it fast

Cast your gaze upon...

Chad, we got to talk about this report

Channel Five News audience

Charlie, don't forget what happened to the boy

Chateau Marmont Hotel, where I once engaged

Check, check, check, Malia, Obama.

Check, check, Malia.

Check, Obama.

Checking out the hot chick by the door

Chicken burrito, please

Childhood vaccination rates in Quahog have dropped

Children's songs are written by adults.

Chris Griffin, Stewie and Brian,

Chris, could you please get Hannah a thank you basket

Chris, I have $1,100 in a paint can in the garage.

Chris, there you are. We need to talk.

Chris, this is no job for a teenage boy.

Chris, this is your mother.

Chris, what happened?

Chris, what the hell are you doing?!

Chris, what the hell is that?

Chris, you came. Oh, my God!

Chris, you're supposed to whisper that to the next person.

Chris, your father's a jackass

CHRIS: We're backwards!

Chris?

Chris?

Chris? What are you guys doing here?

Christmas is gonna be sick!

Church? What are you, an idiot?

Cleveland Brown and his band of Brown Renown

CLEVELAND: We died

Cleveland's stealing shot glasses!

Come on, Brian. You and I should probably rehearse.

Come on, come on, almost there

Come on, hurry up, get in! (rock music playing)

Come on, I'll show you my place

Come on, kid with a bright future

Come on, Lois. After all,

Come on, Stewie, it's not about her.

Come on!

Comes crawling back, and we shoot the real script

Coming up next,

Coming up, why one hello a day

Coming!

Cool!

COP: I think I hear something in the attic

Cosby.

Could capture his story, as well

Could could we just cut Brian's mic?

Could huck rotten apples at passing cars

Could make you very ill and, left untreated, kill you

Crazy for love

Crop them all!

Crop them, Meg!

Cut it off, cut it off!

Cut!

D Do you have enough to, you know, throw?

Dad refuses to interact with any actors on set

Dad told me I have to lose the championship game on purpose

Dad, are you sure it's okay that we took Brian's car?

Dad, can I have 50 bucks for a shamrock tattoo?

Dad, I got bullied at school!

Dad, look, Santa's here!

Dad, this is acne

Dad, why are you still wearing that Santa suit?

Dad!

Daddy, what's this about?

Daisy Buchanan

Daisy's in love with me

Damn it, he covered all bases

Damn it, it's bad

Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,

Damn it, Stewie, you got me fired!

Damn it! I can't believe my kid

Damn it.

Damn, Quagmire!

Dang, Quagmire, you're lucky

David Spade, enters

David, the line is, "What's for dinner?"

Dean Martin, Jr., Joey Bishop, Jr

Dear God, you're burning up!

Death, death, death, death, death, death, death,

Death, death, death.

Designed to terrorize you into being a responsible motorist

Did I get a job?

Did Peter screw something up at work?

Did Quagmire get a horse?

Did you get a job? Bitch

Did you have any questions about the artist?

Did you just say "couch," but pronounce it strangely

Did you make it out of the food court?

Did you pass your driver's test?

Did you see the way he smirked?

Did you tell Chris he had to lose

Did you win the lottery? No

Didn't Grandma say he was born in Mexico?

Didn't have time for him tonight,

Didn't know what it meant.

Do I look crazy?!

Do it, Charlie!

Do not take my songs off the list.

Do you even know what that means?

Do you even realize the harm you've caused?

Do you know that the number of childhood vaccines

Do you think I'm ever gonna be able to have..

Doctor, the alien attack has begun!

Does he just come to all of our shows?

Does it bother me that he does this every week?

Does it does it sound through the mic

Doing jokes about the newspaper for years

Doing something stupid, everybody grab a GoPro.

Don't apologize. They seem nice

Don't believe me?

Don't do that. We don't like that.

Don't eat too much turkey tomorrow

Don't forget, I was in that elevator with Jay Z