Family Guy (1999) - Season 7 Edit

A bird, bird, bird Bird's the word

A bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

A bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

A bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

A bird, bird, bird The bird is the word...

A bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

A bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

A bird, bird, bird The bird's the word

A well a bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird B Bird's the word

A well a bird, bird, b bird's the word A well a bird

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird's the word

A well a bird, bird, bird B Bird's the word

A well a bird, bird, bird The bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

A well a bird, bird, bird Well, the bird is the word

A well a bird... Surfin '

A dog and a baby came in and bought all 63 copies.

A headline regarding mass awareness of a certain avian variety.

Absolutely. This world needs you, Jesus.

According to Gallup Polls...

Again. Again. I love repetition.

Ah. He's doing that thing he did in the storybook.

Ah. What's up? Su Fi. Boo.

All right, I'll be back.

All right, I'm coming.

Am I gonna enjoy this meal. Not like last night.

And Bush is bombing countries

And come Sunday, bam, I rise from the dead.

And he's also ******* But he's not the least bit rude

And his best pal, Peter. Oh. Oh. Oh.

And I did a public service announcement of vital importance.

And look, there's James Dean after the accident.

And so I won't forsake you Like the gays do

B Bird, bird, bird

B Bird, bird, bird

Brian, can I see that paper for a sec?

Brian, don't you know about the bird?

Brian, you think that's our Jesus?

Bright and I love you ish

But can you tell her to cry and beg me to stop?

But chicks don't do that because they use a spoon.

But he's moving around a lot, so I guess.

But I answer to a higher power.

But it rang twice, Lois.

But Meg didn't count on me discovering she has no twin...

But now you're free

Can I have that record? I love that song.

Can you believe the way Jesus is treating me?

Check it again!

Check it out, I have a cool bag too, and it has a dog in it like yours.

Chris, don't you know about the bird?

Coloring eggs and hiding them for kids.

Come and hug and squeeze us

Come on, guys. Let's head over to my crib.

Coming to show the people how good I look.

Damn it. This is the third used record store with that same story.

Did you see that? He made Jay Leno laugh.

Do I have time? You know what, I'm gonna go for it.

Do you have Surfin ' Bird by the Trashmen?

Do you or do you not...

Don't you know about the bird?

Ellen?

Everybody knows That the bird is the word

Everybody, what's up? Dane Cook here in the house at the MTV Movie Awards.

Everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

Everyone, may I have your attention, please?

Except for my old Allan Sherman record.

Except people who have polio get into heaven.

Griffin residence, Peter speaking.

Ha ha. He was on the Internet, and I'm in college. Ha ha.

Ha, ha, ha. I'm sorry, Dad. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Hamburgers, french fries, Cokes.

Have the boys in the lab confirm this.

He did give me something before he disappeared.

He may need to figure that out in his own way.

He's like, It's ice cream. You're like, Oh, man.

Hey, can you get me a Cracked magazine?

Hey, don't you know about the bird?

Hey, frightened little child The bird is the word

Hey, guy behind the counter The bird is the word

Hey, guys. How are you?

Hey, hey, Lois.

Hey, I just drank a beer. Who wants to do me?

Hey, it's a pleasure to be here with you six interchangeable women.

Hey, look. Lindsay Lohan just took her top off.

Hey, Paris, I'm a friend of Jesus'.

Hey, Perez Hilton, how you doing, bitch?

Hey, what are you, a robot?

Hey, what's the big idea?

Hey, you mind scooting over a little bit?

Hey, you, it's Peter.

Hi, Paris. I'm Meg.

His eyes are bluish

Hold out your hands.

How do we know you're really Jesus? Can you perform miracles?

How you got to be president of anything is totally amazing.

Huh.

Huh. That's odd.

I always took the brunt

I am so ready to have sex with you.

I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.

I better get some sleep. I gotta open the store tomorrow.

I bought some local TV airtime, Lois.

I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called. I left him a message four hours ago.

I can't believe it. The Second Coming.

I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived.

I do. Me too.

I don't feel so good.

I don't know, maybe I'll try coming back in another thousand years...

I don't know. Let's see your daughter.

I don't see anyone out there.

I dream of an America where everybody knows that the bird is the word.

I gotta go.

I guess it turns out I'm just as human as anyone else.

I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work.

I just did you, but I'll go again

I know, Peter.

I look so good. I lost all this weight.

I lost my train of thought, but this is really exciting. I'm having a blast.

I love how all the servers look like celebrities from the '50s.

I love you too, fella.

I really just wanna stick this up her ass.

I still can't get over it.

I think that can be arranged.

I think you're on your way.

I thought he was my friend.

I took it to bed, had sex with it, it fell asleep in my arms. It's gone.

I wanna tell you that one of you will betray me.

I was just at the bank and they told me...

I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ.

I wouldn't count on it, Lois.

I'd forgotten how great it is interacting with people.

I'll be the one to say it.

I'll let you have sex with my daughter.

I'm actually there now.

I'm glad you're all here tonight.

I'm going downtown and buy another copy of Surfin ' Bird.

I'm just a guy working at a record store.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

I'm sure deep down, he's still the same old Jesus.

I've been sampling the nightlife here. I raised River Phoenix from the dead.

If I get my cell phone, would you mind talking to my friend Muriel Goldman?

If it had gone straight to voicemail, the phone was off.

If it rang six times, that means he didn't hear it.

If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.

If you ain't gonna play me, don't complain when I split.

If you're not Jesus Christ...

Is that John Astin?

It needs you like a guy who can't get it up needs a distraction.

It used to be

It was my understanding that everyone had heard.

It's him. It's Jesus.

It's the 1950s, and I have polio.

Jesus Christ has returned to Earth.

Jesus Christ, everybody. We'll be right back with Joss Stone.

Jesus Christ, look at you.

Jesus Christ, unbelievable.

Jesus, can you believe you're gonna get to meet Jay Leno?

Just like that fat person surgery destroyed Star Jones' arms.

Keep it down. It's not the Second Coming.

Kind of incognito, just to get away from the family.

Lady on the toilet The bird is the word

Last time I was down here on Earth, I only hung around with one whore.

Let me tell you about tonight's specials.

Listen, I'm gonna go get some water.

Listen, Jesus, I know you're trying to keep a low profile...

Listen, thanks for coming by tonight and hanging out with us.

Lois, I'm gonna ask you this only once.

Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore.

Look, fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter.

Look, just go to sleep, all right?

Marilyn Monroe...

Maybe he doesn't have his phone.

Maybe. But one thing's for sure, Lois. None of this would have happened...

Me and Jesus

Me and Jesus

Me and Jesus

Me and Jesus What a happy pair

Meg wanted a passport for her twin sister to get out of the country.

Meg, everybody knows That the bird is the word

My dad quit smoking, and he's a little on edge.

My God, is it possible?

My life is sweeter

My next guest died for our sins, and it looks like he's back on the scene.

MySpace.

Never mind about that. Just go out there and knock them dead.

No way, Lois. It's my new favorite thing in the world.

No, I'm sorry.

No, it rang twice, and then the voicemail picked up.

No, just kidding.

No.

Now back to the MTV Movie Awards, hosted by Dane Cook.

Now go get them.

Now to present the award...

Oh, all right. So there I was. They had just beaten me senseless...

Oh, God. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, hey there, Griffins.

Oh, look. Cleveland finally made it.

Oh, my God, Peter. Are you all right?

Oh, my God. It's Jesus.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, the Messiah.

Oh, my God. This is Surfin' Bird by the Trashmen.

Oh, my God. You are.

Oh, no one had a motive? You all had a motive. Every one of you.

Oh, no, son.

Oh, such heat this morning. I don't need this jacket.

Oh, that takes me back.

Oh, well, now there's so much going on.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, Chris. Polio back then was like AIDS today.

Oh, yeah? Who's that?

Oh, yeah? Why should I?

Okay, so, what are you doing here?

Okay, that sounds like a nutty weekend. But I can top it.

Okay. I'll do her.

Ooh, sorry. Doesn't look like there's any room.

Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.

Peter, one. Jesus, zero.

Peter, that's not necessary. I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.

Peter, will you give that song a rest?

Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Please welcome from the Bible, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus?

Plus the timing seemed good.

Police revived and arrested the disoriented Jesus...

Put that thing away. We're trying to eat dinner.

Sat through the whole thing without puking.

Season three of Full House is out on DVD March 5th.

She's right there.

Sir, our math shows that the bird is equal to or greater than the word.

So me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort.

So you got it all figured it out, do you? You couldn't leave well enough alone.

So, Jesus, finish that story you were telling.

Some might say you're my savior.

Son of a bitch! I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that.

Sure, everybody knows That the bird is the word

Sure. How about this?

Surfin ' Bird is gone.

Taxi!

Thank you. Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

That means the phone rang, he saw it was me...

That's everything we have. What the hell was it for?

That's funny, because I happen to have Jesus Christ right here.

That's it. We gotta do something.

That's right. That's Jesus Christ right here.

That's where Chris came in.

The American people may have turned against the war.

The hell with you.

The Last Mimzy.

The Last Mimzy.

The perfect hand for masturbating. And you blew it.

Then I get home. Wouldn't you know, I lost my glasses. Eh?

Then they put me in a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days.

There's a lot of **** still get a laugh off of Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah.

There's an issue facing many Americans today...

There's only one space left, and I promised it to that cow.

These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s.

These idiots, they're not listening.

This guy is gonna be huge.

This is gonna be fun. I'm gonna stick my head out the sunroof...

This is my favorite song of all time.

This song's from the 1960s. It shouldn't be in this jukebox.

This world's not ready for me yet. And I'm not ready for it.

Those are words that please us

Together forever and ever We never will say goodbye

Together we're hotter Than walking on water

Tonight's top story. Local record shop employee Jesus Christ...

Uh, I forgot to tell you. I have a doctor's appointment today.

We can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin calling Moviefone.

We have got to get that record and destroy it.

We know we'll puke. But Joe says, Let's go see Chronicles of Riddick.

We walk on air

We went out to the Viper Room, and he OD'd again.

We were supposed to do something today.

Well, before I go, Peter, there's something I wanna give you.

Well, believe it or not, I pop in every hundred years or so.

Well, get someone else to bail you out because it ain't gonna be me.

Well, I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.

Well, I never thought I'd say this, but I have had a blast.

Well, it sure is odd. A record doesn't just get up and walk away.

Well, my thanks again to Dave Coulier.

Well, Peter, nobody here would steal from you.

Well, Peter's gonna tell you About the bird

Well, that's a very mature thing to say right there.

Well, there seems to be an absence of a certain ornithological piece.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

What have you been doing since you've been back?

What is it, Dad?

What word?

What, you mean reveal myself?

What...? What do you mean?

What's up? What's up? You know what I hate?

When you eat an ice cream cone, and it's cold, and you're all:

Who did it?

Who took my checkbook?

Who would've thought me, Peter Griffin, the guy who just two weeks ago...

Whoo! I'm in Hollywood! See? I said I'd do it.

Why is it when Jesus revealed himself to the world, he became famous...

Why is there a pen cap and no pen?

With my new friend Peter

Wouldn't it be great if life were like this?

Wow, a Paris Hilton party. Oh, this is so cool.

Wow, I can't believe I'm really here.

Wow, I never heard of that before.

Wow, Jesus Christ at our dinner table.

Yay, Jesus! That's my buddy, Jesus.

Yeah? Well, what do we do now?

Yes, I am.

You ain't never had a friend like me.

You bring me joy

You don't wanna go back to that store. You gotta get out there.

You friends with Gary, owns the dry cleaner's?

You had it all: Money, fame, eternal life.

You have selected 300.

You kids don't know what I'm talking about.

You knew that I changed my will and left everything to the record.

You know what, give me your phone. I bet he'll pick up.

You know what, we gotta prove it to them.

You know, I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed.

You know, just kind of bumming around...

You know, kids, there's a lot of history here.

You know, you're right, Peter. It may be time. But how do we do it?

You let it all go to your head.

You may look like a bum, but you got a lot of talent, young man.

You seem like a nice guy. Come over to my house for dinner.

You want the truth? I think it's time for me to go.

You won't fire at me, Chris. You don't got the stomach for it.

You, uh... You look familiar. Do I know you?

You're a Lotus Eater Now that you're a superstar

You're like, Why didn't you warn me that's so cold?

You're sweet as chocolate cake

You're the first person to recognize me in 2000 years.

You've been playing it since we got home.

You've returned. You've returned to bring us the good word.

A bird, bird, bird... Ow!

And it's all because of you, Jesus. Hey, like I said, you got me here.

Are you Jesus Christ? No.

Brian? Yeah?

Cracked? Yeah.

Did you go to North Providence? No.

Don't. Aha! You are Jesus.

Fifteen minutes, Mr. Christ. Wow.

Friends until we die Friends until we die, again?

Good, bitch. How are you, bitch? Good, bitch.

Heard what? Don't!

Hey, Jesus, welcome to the show. Thanks. Glad to be here.

I met Larry King. Name dropper!

I sure am gonna miss him. Me too.

I thought that would be big news. What would be big news?

Is he saying something funny? I don't know.

It's all right, T, they're with me. Hey, J.C., what's up?

Jesus Christ. Yeah, right.

Jesus, can you do something for me? Sure, Peter, what is it?

No. You have confirmed 300.

Now, who are you? Jesus Christ.

Oh, boy. Sundaes. I love you, Jesus.

Oh, crap. Don't worry. I'll get it.

Oh, hey, is that my phone? I don't hear anything.

Okay, but I don't get off until 7. Great, we'll have a blast.

Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Never heard of it.

Peter, my boy Yes?

We're here for the Paris Hilton party. Who are you?

What are you talking about? Oh, have you not heard?

What? Something very special, Lois.

What? You haven't heard? Fuck!

What's new, bitch? Cool, bitch. Nothing, bitch. Bitch.

Who are you? Jesus Christ!

Who are you? Jesus Christ.

Who did what, Pop? Yes, Peter, what has you upset?

You guys are good to go. Thanks, man.

You're a real pal, Jesus. I'll tell you this, Peter.

You're gonna turn it into wine. Cool.

You're Jesus Christ. No, I'm not.

...and that Meg was released from the sanitarium.

...and wave my arms and go, Whoo! I'm in Hollywood.

...and when I did, I got suspended for five days?

...but there's one person I really want you to meet.

...drew a smiley face on his own testicle to make his son laugh...?

...Elvis.

...face down and unconscious.

...for sickest on screen gangsta pimp out business...

...he pressed a button and sent it to voicemail.

...if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin ' Bird record.

...Jesus Christ and the Pussycat Dolls.

...know about the bird? Oh, God.

...one in 12 Americans is unaware that the bird is the word.

...playing a little Call of Duty 4, eating Pinkberry.

...shoved a sponge full of vinegar in my mouth and killed me.

...stuck thorns in my head, nailed me to a piece of wood...

...that concerns a great number of us.

...was found in Mary Kate Olsen's apartment...

...when I'm more mature.

...who was quoted as saying, **** are responsible for all the world's wars.

...you withdrew $6000 cash from our savings.

...you won't mind if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs.

'Cause I like it

'Cause we're close as Beezus And Ramona Quimby are

'Cause you know that he's A simply Christ errific dude