Family Guy - Season 14 Edit

A 42 year old man to drink responsibly,

A And what's this giant,

A Are you okay?

A big ice cream cone.

A black man,

A boy's first collection of nudie books

A bunch of us are gonna kill you in the shower later.

A burst water pipe in the pediatric unit

A certain degree of pageantry.

A cowboy and a princess?

A damn disaster.

A delicious five course butter feast.

A dope. An idiot. A water head.

A few weeks?!

A Forever stamp that says Love on it.

A fur shrug with crocheted sleeves!

A girl in Iowa asked me the same question.

A good friend.

A group of peers with whom

A guy getting cut from a baseball team.

A happy mistake, we'll call it.

A hat on a hat!

A helpless, spaghetti legged cripple!

A homecoming king as a touchdown.

A hot chocolate,

A leader you can depend on?

A lightbulb! Lightbulb!

A little bit of inflection to your voice,

A little role playing tonight.

A little sip of that drink I invented.

A lot of them, yeah.

A metal detector. What?

A millionaire?

A mother always knows

A n**** speaking up to a white person?

A peck on the cheek?

A place to stay...

A plan to get our finances in order.

A prank on Chris, do you?

A Puerto Rican busboy get fired in the background

A real act for real people.

A roodly toot toot.

A roodly toot toot.

A sebaceous, cheese like substance

A serial killer who only kills people who eat cereal.

A shoelace. That's crazy.

A slow, hands clasped behind the back walk together?

A stander upper in the garage.

A teaspoon of salt; and a half teaspoon of fresh ground pepper.

A thing for rich guys.

A third of your life on that thing.

A tub of crap soon, you unemployed buttmunch?

A tubby spaz with a heart full of dreams,

A warm packet of tartar sauce

A watch on your pinky toe!

A watered down Bono until death do you part?

A week before our wedding

A well to provide clean drinking water,

A what?

A whole crazy story!

A woman my age

A zig. A zag. A touchdown!

A, lie down,

Aah, damn it!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! He's got a knife!

Aah! Help!

Aah! I shouldn't have worn high heels!

Aah! Monster brains!

Aah! Oh, my God!

Aah! Pigeon!

Aah! That one trip to the petting zoo really messed me up!

Aborgina"?

About Chris' future, but he's fine.

About getting married and that he finally had enough

About having a house that comes out of our butts?

About his vacation on Instagram.

About how everyone in this family, Brian, does their job.

About how your life turned out?

About marrying Lois and you still had thoughts

About marrying me.

About the loose fitting T shirt?

About those jokers in Washington.

About trans fats for as long as you both shall live?

About what the man on the radio is saying right now?

About you guys killing someone?

About your handicap.

Absolutely, I'm as creative as the first spider to spin a web.

Absolutely.

Acting like you're such a victim.

Actually, about that.

Actually, Peter,

Adam, are you done with that mayor homework, yet?

Adrienne!

Adult stuff, adult stuff, adult stuff.

Advertise stuff! Advertise Stu...!

Afraid that, if it did happen,

Africa? We're going to Africa?!

After 18 hours in the mines,

After all, it's not called bing stop,

After eating a seafood tower.

After getting an elderly waitress.

After hours and take some beer.

After that, you will get psychopath haircut

After they see how many slaps it takes to give me a stutter.

After this message from the Indian Census Bureau.

Again, we're very sorry

Age nine, of Decatur, Georgia.

Aging wife who's getting skinny where fat's supposed to be,

Ah, ah, hang on, hang on.

Ah, almost time for the news.

Ah, boy, that was the best night's sleep

Ah, can I come?

Ah, crap, somebody left their gym bag.

Ah, crap, we gotta get out of here.

Ah, crap. I can't sleep like this.

Ah, damn it.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Ah, forget it.

Ah, forget it. You're ready.

Ah, got to walk that boner off, huh?

Ah, I can't believe I just kissed my friend's wife.

Ah, I can't wait to spill soup on this.

Ah, I found him.

Ah, I knew you'd find out!

Ah, I suppose you're right.

Ah, I understand.

Ah, I'm having trouble sleeping.

Ah, it was my pleasure.

Ah, it's nothin'.

Ah, it's so great to have you back, Joe

Ah, it's so great to see you, Sujin.

Ah, Joe, don't cry.

Ah, must be a Yale man.

Ah, my favorite.

Ah, my grandchildren!

Ah, presidential suite!

Ah, screw that, we're going with plan B

Ah, shut up, Esther!

Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse

Ah, stop. It's too scary.

Ah, suit yourself. But I gotta go.

Ah, sweet!

Ah, thank you.

Ah, that and giving noogies

Ah, that must be Chadley.

Ah, that was a great dinner, Sujin.

Ah, that's all right

Ah, the train.

Ah, then could you point me to the closest nighttime dentist?

Ah, then this must be "Chubster Dumb Dumb."

Ah, there.

Ah, there's the bear stuff.

Ah, this isn't my house.

Ah, this was worth the four hour flight.

Ah, thy japes and jabs cut me to the quick, squire.

Ah, two dogs humping.

Ah, we did it.

Ah, yes, I see... I see the the name on the trucks.

Ah, yes. So you're telling me your baby won't sit still

Ah, you looked back too fast.

Ah, you must be Brian. I'm Glenn.

Ah, you're just saying that

Ah, you're speaking the language

Ah! How do I walk?!

Ah! I knew it wasn't real!

Ah. 'Cause I eat bananas. Terrific.

Ah. Sorry, can't tip.

Ah. This is it, Bri.

Ah...

Ah...

Ah...

Ain't my problem.

Alive and well.

All aboard the Ladybug Express!

All cripples are insane.

All for exercising your constitutional rights.

All good acting coaches are insane old ladies.

All he needs is a hundred grand to pay legal fees,

All I did was finish those creepy classes.

All I have to do is bring the ring back

All I know about cars is what my mom does.

All I'd need is a newspaper

All I'm saying is,

All of his favorite stuff to do.

All of you are sex offenders,

All right, action!

All right, all right, come on, Stewie.

All right, all right, I suppose we can make this work.

All right, all right.

All right, before we begin,

All right, best two out of three, cinnamon.

All right, Brian,

All right, Brian, we win this set,

All right, bring it up the court, and corner three!

All right, but we already ate dinner,

All right, bye!

All right, check it out, Bonnie.

All right, Chris, nothing's gotten that ring out yet.

All right, Chris, now I know you're all sophisticated now,

All right, enough of this mess.

All right, everyone in the car.

All right, everyone,

All right, fine,

All right, first, let's take your blood pressure,

All right, folks, big treat for you today.

All right, forget this.

All right, Friedrich, now that World War Two is over,

All right, gang, me and the guys are off to Korea to find

All right, get up here, but make it quick.

All right, good to know.

All right, great, but remember, this is a surprise for Joe.

All right, here we go.

All right, how about that back rub now?

All right, how do you play?

All right, I better head down there.

All right, I got a horror movie idea.

All right, I got to get through this.

All right, I got to go.

All right, I just saw a sprinkler come on,

All right, I'd better go.

All right, I'll be there in five

All right, I'll do it.

All right, I'll give it a shot

All right, I'll go.

All right, I'm awesome at charades.

All right, I'm gonna go barf down the garbage disposal.

All right, I'm off to get more underwear.

All right, I'm off to the fish market

All right, if we want Cleveland

All right, if we want to get Cleveland back,

All right, it's not, but, Quagmire,

All right, it's winning time.

All right, kids, here's your bacon.

All right, Kyle, lookin' good.

All right, left cankle, red.

All right, let's do it, Pop!

All right, let's do it, Stewie.

All right, let's do it.

All right, let's do it.

All right, let's do this.

All right, let's do this.

All right, let's find our prince and get my money back.

All right, let's find the coolest kids here,

All right, let's get her out of here.

All right, let's get started

All right, let's get to it.

All right, let's go to the food court.

All right, listen up, I'm the captain.

All right, listen, we want that drinking law gone.

All right, Lyle, one thing buddies do together

All right, maybe coming here wasn't such a great idea.

All right, now I'm gonna go psych out these other kids.

All right, now it's time for these four poor kids

All right, now when Joe gets here

All right, off to Zappos with him.

All right, Peter, almost done.

All right, Peter, most professional wrestlers

All right, Peter, that's enough.

All right, Peter, your sister's the real deal.

All right, places!

All right, so let's do it.

All right, Stewie, now remember what we practiced last night.

All right, Stewie, time to tackle your fears.

All right, students. The votes have been tabulated,

All right, thanks for joking around with me.

All right, thanks.

All right, that's $2.16.

All right, that's... that's awkward.

All right, time out.

All right, Tom, if you want to be young these days,

All right, Uncle Dan, remember: no tickling.

All right, very good. Lie down on your stomach.

All right, Vickie, time to shut you down for the night.

All right, watch this.

All right, we can go, Lois.

All right, we have $14 million to play with.

All right, we were able to fix your hernia,

All right, we'll just call him right now

All right, we're gonna open this fire hydrant

All right, we're out of here.

All right, well, I get the box when we have pizza for dinner.

All right, well, I got an idea.

All right, well, I'm gonna put some flowers in a wagon

All right, what could go wrong?

All right, you guys like impressions?

All right, you guys.

All right, you sold me.

All right!

All right!

All right! Hey, thanks for all your help, you guys.

All right.

All right.

All right. Let him go.

All right. Uh...

All sex is ****! All sex is ****!

All the best comedy is on Twitter now.

All the better to send off to Kuwait

All the humiliation, none of the reward

All the more reason to treat yourself.

All the things that make us

All the windows have bars on 'em.

All these years, acting like he's my friend,

All those things you heard about Cleveland Jr. were lies.

All you're doing is getting into trouble

ALL: Aw.

ALL: Thank you.

ALL: Thank you.

Almost always.

Almost started World War III.

Almost time for lunch.

Alonzo Hamburger Jones.

Already am.

Alright, just reach in and grab it.

Also, a different kind of conductor.

Also, I bet you're a big important doctor

Also, I like to eat a big bowl of berries

Also, the tomatoes can be eyes, and the lettuce can be hair.

Although it could be a little awkward.

Although, Brian might want me to be his best man.

Always interrupting?

Am I doing it? Yes.

Am not! Prove it.

Amazing. One second of a stranger's voice on a phone

Ambassador Mumbasa?

Ambassador Mumbasa?

Amen, Mom.

Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen.

American Johnny is back!

American Johnny never should've left.

An Aladdin costume from last Halloween.

An enormous mistake.

An entire shot glass of that hot sauce.

An Eyes Wide Shut party all weekend.

An old Carmen Sandiego episode on India or something

An open can of tuna.

An upside down picture of the Capitol behind me.

And a belt for Chris to bite on

And a box of his old porn is still hidden in there.

And a Redbox with one movie in it.

And a tiny, tiny super small amount of cocaine.

And a too long hot dog on a too short bun.

And act like she didn't know about it,

And all I've ever done is take care of Joe.

And all the way up here was Stewie,

And almost every one of them has a tapeworm.

And also with you!

And also you bring me dead birds.

And also, this isn't play wrestling

And alternative high school graduates,

And and I'd do anything to be with you.

And another woman whose name I've forgotten

And apparently the girl... Oh, thank God.

And as a special treat, I thought I'd deliver them

And as a white woman, you'd be a minority here,

And as I'm walking you through the steps,

And ask every kid if they're the new kid

And assaulted my grundle?

And ate a whole jar of recalled peanut butter?

And avoid the world if I feel like it.

And be quick or we'll be in bigger trouble

And be tall enough to ride roller coasters.

And before Peter

And before the white of winter.

And besides, I'm sick of you

And besides, Richie, aren't you worried

And besides, the fat man knows what he's doing.

And between you and me,

And bring back your beers one by one in my lap

And bring pound cake. "And bring pound cake."

And cause heartache for everyone involved

And check this out

And Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.

And corner three!

And crapped out a 2,000 page turd.

And cut.

And defeat Heavy Flo in the ring.

And digging up junk when we really need

And discovered that the stylist

And ditches it in an alley behind a Kroger's.

And do I really have to be here?

And do some grocery shopping?

And do you have mustard and relish?

And do you take this man to be

And doesn't he have the lyrics, "I put the gun to you.

And doing the cha cha cha.

And don't forget if you screw this up,

And don't think I haven't noticed

And drinking alcohol with their butts.

And drive in the car pool lane with it and then

And drive your usual 20 miles per hour

And everybody can just treat me like normal again.

And everybody knows the best way to get any law struck down

And everybody loves him, all we got to do is make you

And everything inside of it is gone?

And exactly what we're looking for!

And fat where skinny's supposed to be.

And feed the Halliburton oil machine, right?!

And finally, tonight, a moving story from James Woods High,

And follows everything with hamburger,

And for those of us who read the complaints,

And for what? So Peter and Lois can spend the money you earned

And for you kids, some martinis

And forgot that you're just a baby.

And gave me a home, but

And George R. R. Martin will be there.

And get one

And gets away with it!

And getting smarter by the minute.

And girlie movies is a sacred thing.

And give Joe back his stupid little activity.

And give Joe back the happiness he found here.

And give these people back

And go ahead and look into Facebook

And Goldman's Pharmacy is fully stocked on cough syrup,

And had an ounce of integrity.

And have him play the bugle

And have you met Great Grandma?

And he found the one you sent.

And he is the one who has to look at it all night.

And he just e mailed me to say he's coming tomorrow.

And he showed me

And he used my computer.

And he will give it to everybody.

And he would never stick me with the bill

And he's dressed like a janitor.

And he's here with his wife.

And he's here? Now?!

And he's just so fat and weird,

And he's like, "This ain't bad."

And her husband do.

And her in the face.

And here come the people who live here.

And here's a magazine I thought you might like to read

And here's a trick to keep that confidence up.

And hit him with a shovel, like a white trash YouTube girl

And hope for a miracle.

And hopefully, he'll show up.

And I already know exactly where I'm gonna put that trophy.

And I can't go here.

And I choose not to be short.

And I could really use a partner.

And I couldn't be touched until I was two.

And I couldn't stand by and watch you get hurt.

And I don't know what to call the thing

And I even joined the debate team.

And I feel awful about it.

And I got a big day tomorrow. I got two shows.

And I got some news for you.

And I got the hat

And I got to say, it was kind of uncool

And I have a slip that says we've got a package?

And I have nothing waiting for me back there.

And I have to be with her.

And I just figured, the hell with it,

And I know you don't have hate in your heart.

And I never get to spend time with him.

And I never stopped thinking of you.

And I paid my debt to society,

And I really like your pendant.

And I should be free.

And I shouldn't have come there,

And I still am.

And I suppose, deep down, I was afraid.

And I take my job very seriously.

And I thank you, sir.

And I think you knew that

And I want him arrested!

And I want to be just like you when I grow up.

And I was gonna stay with the rental van

And I was like, Oh, all right, okay, yeah, kind of.

And I was the only one who showed up.

And I was trying to get back into my house,

And I wear my 'I Voted' sticker for a week and a half.

And I will always love you for that.

And I will not be humiliated

And I wouldn't trade you in for anything.

And I'd have to dance.

And I'd have to give a toast,

And I'd like to keep it nice for a little while.

And I'll take your number.

And I'll tell you, she fell out of there

And I'm a cop.

And I'm actually thinking about resuming my actuarial practice.

And I'm gonna fart super hot.

And I'm here because you stole my money!

And I'm just so scared.

And I'm like, Nope!

And I'm not feeling particularly handsome.

And I'm sorry for what I did to your village, Dave.

And I'm sorry for what I said.

And I'm sorry I will always love your wife

And I'm sorry if you've had to put your dreams on hold because of me.

And I'm still pissed about it.

And I'm T Homie...

And I've got a pitch that's gonna blow you away.

And if anyone interrupts me, I'll have to start over.

And if he's with the kids too long, they start saying racisms

And if there's a news story here,

And if there's one thing

And if we can't trust

And if you elect me, I will be as good

And if you won't listen to us,

And if you're willing to come back home,

And imagine everyone in it wants you sexually.

And impress the whole class in one shot.

And in a stunning turn of events,

And in that bag, we'll combine one large,

And interrupt Lois's book club.

And invading each other's personal space?

And is that guy the driver?

And isn't Jay Z music? Yes.

And isn't true that your last name

And it always will be, pal.

And it frightens me.

And it gives people the courage to sneak onto their mayor's

And it is so nice to meet you, Dhiraj.

And it never aired outside Korea.

And it stings when I don't wipe right.

And it's all damp over here!

And it's from a Nigerian prince.

And it's like I signed an eight year contract

And it's the most important lesson.

And Joe, you're our Peter.

And just hide in my house

And just keep doing that to yourself

And just stayed.

And let him fake father a child.

And let them do this to one of my own.

And let you further ruin this terrible place!

And let's look at that word, strength.

And lift you up like a dirty garbage bag.

And living a life of bland compromise

And Lois doesn't want to mess it up.

And long live the Hyperspeed Throne!

And look at him, he can barely stand up.

And look at that mural of black achievement.

And look how happy you made these people.

And lots of times, there's a chick whose boob comes out!

And luckily, I'm great at connecting

And make him look stupid.

And maybe I can help you control your strange obsession

And maybe if you finally do, she'll stop terrorizing you,

And maybe take you to dinner?

And meet you in person.

And monkeys who have wandered in to steal fruit,

And my dog slept with Quagmire's dad,

And my heart belongs to him.

And my husband!

And my neighbor, Mr. Griffin, shot me.

And natural turn of events?

And needs to be dealt with in an appropriate manner

And neither one cared for me as much as Bud does.

And nobody is coming for the whole weekend.

And not an adult like me!

And not want to be friends with us anymore.

And nothing says, "Look at me, I've been places"

And now every girl I look at I imagine

And now I know

And now I think she's my new favorite lady in the world.

And now my mind is racin'.

And now that I'm out, I'm gonna do it again.

And now that your mom has passed,

And now you feel like you never had a chance

And now your queen,

And obviously, I don't think you're my Uncle Dale

And occasionally using a doorless bathroom.

And of course, in Portnoy's Complaint

And oh, no!

And on page two of three in the How To Be a Teacher manual,

And on some level, I hate him for it.

And once again, a Heavy Flo has ruined another lady's evening!

And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop

And our final nominee

And over here they're all doctors?

And over here they're all doctors?

And Peter's a good friend

And pitch him Space Shire Seven.

And pizza for every meal. You know it.

And point the headlights at it.

And put a cigarette out on me.

And put all this behind you.

And put it back on the roll.

And really show us that energy from your audition.

And remember, while we're off getting our massages,

And returning that thing to the store.

And say that Bonnie's the best thing

And second of all, this is 100% not Billy Joel!

And second of all, we're about to play a new round,

And see for yourself who this Gretchen Mercer is?

And see if they know anything about a prank on Chris.

And shall now ride your roller coaster,

And she held me by my heels,

And she took little Susie with her.

And she wanted to thank me.

And she'd get a DUI.

And she's got a smokin' hot body.

And shove my racket so far down your throat

And simply hid the rest of the horse behind this curtain.

And since when do you wear high tops?

And slow roasted cherry tomatoes on a bed of mesclun greens.

And so I say to you, America, we are going to win this war,

And start all my sentences with,

And statistically you will all be here again.

And steal back my big box of pornos?

And still trying to pretend you're a guy

And stop breathing through your mouth.

And strapped Joe to the front

And switching the babies around

And swoops the rest of the hair over.

And tell him not to come.

And tell him to get back in his house.

And tell our children we love 'em with a straight face.

And telling him the truth:

And thanks to Brian, that's what he has now.

And that could be why you were confused?

And that hurt even worse than getting shot!

And that still breastfeeding rack.

And that you're finally friends again.

And that'll brown the skin nicely.

And that's a very odd title for a humorist's book.

And that's all I'm gonna say about those two.

And that's fine!

And that's my famous paella that looks and tastes

And that's what was causing my total paralysis

And that's what you came up with?

And that's why, at the end, you hear that car sound.

And the best part is, your wife will never know.

And the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.

And the count is two and two.

And the crisis continues.

And the exit to the bathroom.

And the gas cap was still on the wrong side.

And the last white domino in that neighborhood falls.

And the Lord's Eleventh Commandment

And the mama panda doesn't do anything about it,

And the opener we'll put... in your mouth.

And the secret ingredient is...

And the shipping.

And the truth is, we all have private thoughts

And the winner is: Nobody.

And then after your father plugged up that P.O. box,

And then as soon as he gets his money, I get a million bucks.

And then be the best at tetherball.

And then been upset that there was no way for your car engine

And then forced to go down it.

And then forget it ever happened.

And then get loud!

And then he turned her butt inside out.

And then I get to show my card trick?

And then I left Congress.

And then I lost my wood, and so we just watched Colbert,

And then I promise, you have heard

And then I said something random that suggested

And then I says to her,

And then I took a dump completely nude

And then I unload on the sun visors.

And then I'm done with my volunteer hours

And then overcompensate by adopting a black kid.

And then panic because I can't see you

And then she snapped her fingers,

And then they won't need him.

And then this thing will actually allow me

And then we hit the Quahog Book Festival

And then we put Cinnamon's head up the back of Joe's shirt

And then we'll all talk this thing out

And then when he leaves for work,

And then, so I'm like, "Peter, how was I supposed to know

And there go Wanya over there

And there's no better way than with a glass

And there's no reason to suspect that I cannot walk.

And there's nothing you can do to change that.

And there's the splitting headache

And they do a pretty good job of it.

And they say it's haunted by a ghost with a hook hand.

And they threw her a parade.

And they will all burn!

And they'll eat it up.

And they're letting us each use an assistant.

And this friendship is over!

And this is a place where people buy

And this is postmarked a week before our wedding!

And this isn't a stamp,

And this one...

And this thing we're doin', I'm not happy about it,

And this twisted mind.

And this year's James Woods High

And this year's James Woods High homecoming king is...

And though the going is rough

And throw me some divers.

And to do that, you got to dress like Lenny Kravitz,

And to induce movement, I'm gonna snap the horse's balls

And to you, sir!

And Tom Tucker is back at Channel Five.

And too warm for the heater, huh?

And trust me, I know more about getting bullied than anyone.

And trying is what matters most of all.

And walk around town.

And was just too weird to look at.

And watch Kelly and Michael

And we can bring it back before they close.

And we can't tell him.

And we didn't want to hurt your feelings

And we don't have any idea what we're doing

And we may be gone a while,

And we never come back here again.

And we thought we'd bring Susie.

And we want to watch Dallas Portland

And we... are in!

And we'll always be there for you no matter what

And we'll pass along your gross request to Mila Kunis.

And we're gonna track him down.

And we're here for you.

And we're not around, just take a message.

And we're not gonna be embarrassed like we were today.

And we've got quite a match tonight between Heavy Flo

And we've reserved a place for him

And went to a Q and A

And what about my son's rights not to be shot?!

And what did Chris Brown do to Rihanna?

And what does she play with?

And what that is is to indicate our international sales,

And what's more, I never respected you.

And what's with that visor stuff?

And when it does, I'll be as popular

And when that happens, it is on.

And whenever he stutters, he usually pees his pants.

And where are people looking when they're driving a car?

And which card did you put it on?

And while he's been gone for many years,

And while we're at it, how about we take the cinnamon challenge?

And who Shazams the Beatles?

And who's that?

And why are you dressed like that?

And why did Wes Anderson come here to make his worst movie?

And why do you always announce them to me before you do them?

And why is he dressed like Dad?

And will not be subjected

And will require around the clock care

And work at her wife's bar

And write the same song 25 times.

And yeah, maybe she kissed me.

And yes

And you can chow pie standing up.

And you deserve better than this.

And you don't know your states yet!

And you know what's in the middle of the word "world"?