Family Guy (1999) - Season 17 (2) Edit

A little water for our little friends.

A place just for married guys like you and me.

A pretty woman ever again.

A series of sheds.

A water bear? What's a water bear?

A week from Wednesday.

A YouTube instructional video on how to do it.

Aah! Poison gas!

Aah! Who the hell are you?

About the queen's private secretary, Sir Gaylord Hummer.

After our profile of the Cancer Girl

After that, I'll be taking the role of Major Dixon Butts,

After you lied to me about sneaking cigarettes?

Ah ha ha ha!

Ah, crap.

Ah, good point. Risky Business?

Ah, I just wish my hot girlfriend were here to see it.

Ah, it's the end of the show.

Ah, shrimp.

Ah, that's okay, nothing could ever come between us.

Ah, the privacy of all glass around me.

Ah, there it is.

Ah, they're dead. Now I'm sad.

Ah!

Ah! Snot rocket!

Ah. Well, wouldn't hurt to lose some weight.

Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit.

Ain't that somethin' to flip your biscuit.

Alan Thicke is here, too.

Alicia Keys, and then Kelly Clarkson,

All except for number 17

All four Voice chairs would turn around.

All of you here are capable of greatness.

All right, Brian, at this size, this is a two man job.

All right, come on, let's go.

All right, I figure if we can just...

All right, let's get back to the machine.

All right, that'll do.

All right, we're out of here.

All right, you have to take us to lunch,

All right, you ready? All right, one, two, three.

All right, you've made your point. I'm sorry.

All right. Thanks for your work. You're very professional.

All right. The laptop is now linked to the shrink ray.

All the things that make us

All the things that make us

Also makes you wear giant khaki shorts

Always professional.

An ex Terminator? So you used to be a Terminator?

An MRI?

And afraid you'll leave it brown?

And alone.

And check this out.

And don't forget to check out my other videos,

And every time I try to type "Heimlich", it...

And free of affectation.

And has spread throughout your body

And he won't be able to walk until his hip heals.

And helped every single one of them.

And hey, sorry I barked when you took your pants off.

And hit the tiny button to fire it up.

And how do you know I was invited?

And I always tell it like it is,

And I don't want you ruining it for me.

And I go, "Hey. Hey, you alive?"

And I I was afraid of losing our friendship.

And I see you lost the alcohol argument.

And I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And I'm not leaving until I make good on my promise.

And I'm Patrick Stewart as a water bear.

And I'm the gay one, but I'm not, like, doing the gay voice.

And if you guys help us,

And it's all because of our friendship, Hudson.

And lake house rentals.

And liftoff in five, four,

And maybe to taunt the animals that aren't able to leave.

And now get out your tissues, it's a real life Quahog version

And now they're stuck with me.

And now, the current, better than the pilot

And she says, "Yeah," and then I go, "All right, good."

And snuff out the miserable flame

And that's just something I have to live with.

And that's my favorite thing now.

And that's where I've been living the past week.

And the real life celebrity walks in behind them.

And the way you salute and point is very casual

And the winner is...

And then another half at a red light.

And then... and then... and then...

And then... and then... and then...

And there's nothing you can do to make up for it.

And they gave it to me.

And they're remarkable.

And told not to drink seawater but drank seawater.

And too scared to touch the animals in the petting zoo.

And we won't get in trouble

And wear a vest and a boutonniere

And what do you think about fire?

And when she gets back from the bathroom,

And you are grounded, mister.

And you never will, because the truth is

And you sound like you were lost at sea

And you were such a jealous little bitch

And you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge?

And you're him.

And you're him.

And you're like, "Oh, God, it's Terminal.

And, as usual, he doesn't have any cash on him.

And, Brian, when you learned Jess had only weeks to live,

And, guys, I'll get to as many comments as I can,

And... all four chairs

And... lift.

And... lift.

And... Wha... Is this a flap on the butt of these pants?

ANNOUNCER: Tinazidine:

Another bourbon, please.

Any last words?

Any new writing projects you're working..."

Any time someone says a weapon is not what it is,

Anyone seen any good movies lately?

Anything that tastes like a Fruit Roll Up.

Anyway, after the lightning strike,

Are a little worried about you.

Are all these dogs having hip surgery?

Are are you watching HBO?

Are paying for all this, right, Evan?

Are those really Tom Arnold's sweatpants in that frame?

Are you about to walk down the aisle

Are you eating this pile of boogers?

Are you George Brett at an awards ceremony?

Are you going to his birthday party tomorrow?

Are you guys still leaving?

Are you serious, Peter? You said you wouldn't say anything.

Are you the dog who's marrying the cancer girl?

Are... are you carrying a flask now?

As long as some of this vapor is in my lungs.

As my bride.

Ask famous Hollywood actor slash pants filler Dennis Franz.

At a Lake George share house.

At first we didn't think we'd see him

At last, I shall exact my vengeance

At least vaping is healthy.

Aw

Aw, he's gonna get in trouble.

Aw, I'm your baby doll.

Aw, you're so glad to be back with me, aren't you?

Aw. I want to be a douchebag.

Awesome!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Got you.

Because I I know you'd want to be with her for her final days.

Because she was supposed to die!

Because we didn't use the actual name.

Because you haven't had any in three hours,

Because you're my friend.

Because...

Before I took the picture.

Before you drove here?!

Before you made me skip it.

Being dead.

Big day, Mr. Hogan.

Birthday party?

Blast! Here she comes.

Borgwort.

Boy, they're really socking it to this celebrity.

Boy, this really is a high school party.

Braaap! Braaap!

BRIAN (HIGH PITCHED): Hurry up! Get this rat away from me!

Brian, can Hudson come over for a playdate?

Brian, did you hear that?

Brian, did you hear that?

Brian, I can explain.

Brian, I want nothing to do with this sham wedding.

Brian, I... I haven't known you that long.

Brian, I'm glad your girlfriend could join us

Brian, look.

Brian, wait for my signal.

Brian, we really will be together forever.

Brian, why are you dressed like a douche

Brian, you and I have never been friends.

BRIAN: It didn't work. Now he's just angry.

BRIAN: Parenthood. Yes. I feel like Parenthood is right.

BRIAN: Well, what the hell do we do now?!

Brian! Hang in there, buddy.

Brian? It would mean the world to me

Brian? What are you doing here?

Brian.

Bryce broke his neck and never walked again.

But at this size, there's no way I can do it alone.

But cancer doesn't have me.

But every year when I go to the Emmys,

But first we need to take our nap.

But first, here's that cutaway I was gonna do

But he's so talented and he's got so many drugs.

But I can't get to all of them.

But I can't think of a single one.

But I do need it back because it belongs to a friend of mine.

But I don't wanna make a fuss.

But I'm a millennial, so first I have to watch

But I'm gonna call you first.

But in the meantime, they say

But isn't that only I?

But it spread to my heart.

But it was a very nice funeral service.

But it's still wrong. There's no way

But it's true.

But let's remember the important thing:

But not as good as Star Wars episode

But seriously, cross me again, and I will end you.

But some will never achieve it.

But that's all they have.

But the lattice thing sounded right when you said it.

But the lightning bolt that killed me

But the other guy she wanted to impress...

But the water was too shallow.

But then he came out. We saw him!

But these past weeks

But this seems legit.

But what I didn't know was...

But what we have is this moment,

But where are those good old fashioned values

But where are those good old fashioned values

But you and I are family.

But you don't really own anything, do you?

But you let me choke to death.

But, Brian, I'm more interested in short stories.

But, hey, I'm I'm still your friend.

But... how?

By Jean Claude Van Damme in this scene.

By the power bottom vested in me,

By the way, the Stranger Things monster just farted.

Bye, Hudson.

Called love.

Can I come over for a playdate?

Can I press the button?

Can you believe this?

Can you throw me that white fur coat

Can't you hear them talking about you?

Cancel HBO now.

Catch Me If You Can, sir.

Cheer me up, Jean Claude Van Damme.

Chris Griffin! You get in here!

Chris, pass me a turkey leg, would you?

Chris, the only reason I told him

Chris! Chris, isn't this cool?

Come back here, you.

Come back in a week, we can check your pfft pfft.

Come downstairs. I made your favorites:

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on, you know what I want.

Come on.

Come on. Come back to bed.

Come on. It was prescribed by a doctor

Come out here.

Come out here.

Come taste infinity.

Come to the purple light, Meg.

Coming to live with you, like you asked me to at the wedding.

Complained a lot is what she did.

Complete with the popular kid who's clearly going to die

Cool!

Damn it, Fox.

Damn it! He can't hide forever.

Damn it. I've got one song by Haim on my phone?

Damn it. Now I have to do that with every dictionary here.

Damn you all.

Destroying enemies, world domination.

Did we get a pool?

Did you also eat a kid?

Did you eat creamy soup just before the opera?

Did you know that Lois was so moved

Did you warn this guy when he married you

Do you know what this is?

Do you own 19 hats?

Does anyone here speak Old Dude?

Don't go over two. Don't get greedy.

Don't go to Prince!

Don't listen to him, Meg.

Don't take my word for it.

Don't worry, Brian, I'll save you!

Don't worry, buddy. I'm on my way.

Dr. Gravitas?

Dude, dude, dude, just get here.

Dude, dude, you got to get down here, by the big trash can.

Due to audio issues, the following footage is subtitled.

Dump your toenails in the hall, I'm vacuuming.

During the commercial break,

Dust mites.

E liquid, please.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Eh, it feels like an '80s movie.

Euthanize, euthanize, euthanize...

Euthanized?

Even as a toy you can't tell where he's looking.

Even more recently, and not quite as good, on Family Guy...

Even though we have ten cats and couldn't make the deposit.

Every single item on this list.

Everybody, we've got guests!

Everyone but me got an invite to Hudson's birthday.

Everyone was invited.

Everyone! Your attention, please!

Everything's done for you.

Exactly.

Except The Terminal.

Excuse me, I don't mean to bother you.

Exhale like you never have to attract

Explain what? How you brought me here to have me killed?

Filling up the day with nonsense

Finally, I can pick my nose.

Fine.

Fireball?

Flagellum? I don't even know them.

Flatulence means my digestive system is working again.

Fly them over people's houses

Food, too. I chucked the mustard onto the front lawn last week.

For the rest of the month.

For these thy gifts, which we are about to receive.

Forever and ever and ever!

Freaky? No

Friendship?

From bushes? I don't know.

Geena Davis?

Get a hole in one, new pair shows up

Get it off! Get it off!

Get my lawyer on the phone!

Get out of there, Mountain Dew.

Get rid of it!

Giggity, giggity, crabbity, giggity

GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Dog whistle! Dog whistle!

Give it back.

Give it up for Tony Robbins.

Go ahead.

Go get 'em, tiger.

Go get 'em, tiger.

God, that sounds awful.

Good bye, Brian.

Good morning, family.

Good, all good.

Good, all good.

Google my CrystaLight aerobics competition.

Got it patented in '97 and went into business.

Grab an end

Grilled cheese cut to look like a dinosaur.

Growing one carrot

Grown men who have never had sexual relations

Guess who, Peter.

Gun?

Guys! Follow me up this way!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha. Yeah.

Ha! I've been told that.

Ha.

Ha. That's what the baby used to say

Have a seat.

Have you always been so...

Having a funeral, Bri.

Having my appetite back.

He also married your friends?

He called me a dick earlier.

He doesn't like baths.

He got his face painted at a birthday party.

He he's catching 'em right in the act.

He needs a bath.

He said no, but he winked.

He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder.

He walks in while she's singing,

He was too light for the caterpillar slide,

He won't be needing this anymore.

He'll need someone to take care of him.

He'll need someone to take care of him.

He's at a douchebag vaping party.

He's completely off the grid!

He's folding his arms and frowning.

He's gone.

He's just, like, a cool guy.

He's more fun than an Eddie Murphy bed.

He's never willing to actually confront his issues.

He's starting to smell.

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Heimlich maneuver.

Hello, Brian, I'm Jess's mother, Helen.

Hello, my baby, hello, my honey

Hello, my ragtime gal.

Hello?

Help!

Here you go.

Here, have a sip of water.

Here, I'll put my number in with my tongue.

Here, Stewie. You can have mine.

Here, want to play with my toy?

Here's the micro board.

Here's your Star Wars kids' meal.

Here's your triple bacon burger and your onion rings.

Hey, Brian, that hat makes you look like a wang

Hey, come on, guy. (CHUCKLES) Hey, you don't want to do this.

Hey, everybody,

Hey, guys. Come on in. It's a hoot.

Hey, if you're dead, can you ask Bill Paxton

Hey, Jagger, can you help out at the soup kitchen

Hey, life's too short, right?

Hey, listen, thanks for renting to us

Hey, pal.

Hey, Peter, next time use a tissue.

Hey, relax. You're married now.

Hey, Stewie, I got your text. What am I working on?

Hey, Stewie, let's play cops and robbers.

Hey, thanks, Bri. I'll go switch you back.

Hey, there's Hudson.

Hey, this is kind of fun.

Hey, what's up, Jess?

Hey, what's with your gay character names lately?

Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Might I Pinterest you in a drink point oh?

Hi, honey.

Hi, Stewbie.

Hi, Stewie. I'm putting sand on a cat poo.

Hi. I'm the exterminator.

Hidden here in your rug... where everyone speaks English.

Hmm, perhaps that's a question best pondered over dinner?

Hmm. I still think the butter cream

Hold it to your mouth.

Hold on, Brian, hold on.

Hold.

Hold.

Holy crap, Hal, what's wrong with you?

Holy crap, what the hell were those things?!

Holy crap! Brian, you okay?

Home Alone must've had a lattice.

Honestly, not well.

Hoo ah!

Hoo ah!

Hoo ah!

Hoo ah!

Hoo ah!

How about the Verizon guy moving over to Sprint? Huh?

How about you, doggie?

How am I supposed to get down? That was the only baggie.

How do you do the Heimlich maneuver?

How does it feel, Meg, you frigging town crier?

How does it look, Doc?

How is this happening?!

How the (BLEEP) is everyone?

How to get your friend out of a rat hole.

How's she doing?

Hudson, time to go.

Huh? Sorry. Got it.

Husbands Restaurant?

I always knew this day was coming.

I beg to differ. I think I've got the lingo

I called him my best friend too quickly.

I called him my best friend too quickly.

I came to see how Brian's...

I can't believe it!

I can't believe the nerve of that dog.

I can't believe there's this whole universe

I can't believe you dragged me to that fraud.

I can't live this way!

I can't remember the last time I felt this happy.

I cast the tickle spell.

I climbed into your trunk

I demanded a raise just like you told me to

I did it!

I didn't know it was supposed to be hard

I didn't say, "Hit the big button that says 'tiny, '"

I didn't think he'd understand me.

I do have to go to the bathroom, though.

I do impressions for the doctor talent show.

I do.

I do.

I do.

I don't deserve self esteem.

I don't get touched very often.

I don't have bedbugs. I'm burning it down

I don't know what I'd do without her.

I don't know, Mom, I'm not my brother's keeper.

I don't know. It's so late. I have a crazy idea.

I don't like talking business at the table.

I even got one shed that just has an extra shed in it.

I feel dizzy.

I feel like you've given me a lifetime of love.

I got a "limb fo' Ma."

I got a lot of sheds back home.

I got Forest Whitaker.

I got Kylo Ren.

I got the role during the two months I was a hot actor,

I got to do something!

I got to go home now.

I got to say, Bri, the guys at Husbands

I got... I got nothing.

I guess I felt letting you Che was my only way out.

I guess Steve Jobs was really into '80s movies.

I guess.

I had to get it off my chest.

I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it!

I hate my life and nobody can hear me say it right now!

I have a disease...

I have cancer.

I have hundreds of millions of dollars.

I have two.

I have two.

I hit the button that says "tiny."

I hope he can terminate

I hope Vernon and the gang survived.

I hope you can forgive me.

I I can't imagine anyone does.

I I feel like '80s movies were wall to wall lattices.

I I gotta... I gotta get a divorce.

I I just... I saw how you were connecting with Hudson

I I might take another half.

I I was thinking maybe you could move in with me and Jess,

I I'm sorry, I took a a muscle relaxer this morning.

I I'm still thinking about that lattice thing.

I It's just Stewie in a kitty costume.

I just hope she's done vacuuming.

I just need to reroute the circuits.

I just... I can't take it, Peter.

I keep it in my forehead.

I know what this is. I watch Bravo.

I know why this happened.

I know, but there's a first time for everything.

I know. I'm sorry.

I landed on Bryce.

I like him.

I like ice cream.

I like you, Stewie.

I like you.

I like your family. They're scumbags.

I love his laugh!

I love you, buddy.

I love you.

I made a bucket list of wild sex stuff I want to try

I mean, gosh, maybe that's what true marriage is...

I mean, I literally don't know where socks come from.

I mean, she was being ignored most of the movie.

I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment,

I mean, who are you playing next?

I mean, you don't even need to be here right now.

I meant I'll pay you.

I must say, I've been evil so long,

I must say, she's looking... healthy.

I now pronounce y'all husband and wife.

I only have one, but it's a Stussy hat with a flat brim.

I paid for 12.

I prefer the limbs.

I promised Meg I wouldn't tell anyone.

I really like you.

I said we were going to bask in Robbins' glow.

I said, "hit the tiny button."

I saw it on my phone!

I saw that new Tom Hanks movie.

I saw you get struck by lightning.

I see we're smoking.

I should've known not to trust someone

I simply haven't found her yet.

I take up a great deal of the teacher's time.

I think he got struck by lightning.

I think I've really found true love.

I think my excitement is best expressed

I think this is a conversation best had over dinner.

I thought I could marry Jess, but it's awful!

I thought it was a squirrel.

I threw your invitation away.

I told you, I don't want your help.

I took that from her apartment.

I took the liberty of X raying my own hip

I truly wish I had known that.

I understand pieces now and then.

I vow to honor you and cherish you

I want a woman who I can spend the rest of my life with.

I want to give you that life, Peter.

I want to give you two your first gift.

I want to say Parenthood?

I was created by lightning, Peter,

I was going to help you move in

I was hoping, whenever the Bat Signal goes up in the sky,

I was just fine.

I was just so unhappy being married, I...

I was watching upstairs on Hulu!

I wasn't going to let you be my first failure.

I will never forget this day.

I wish I had the poorly cast Kylo Ren.

I won't be able to play with you,

I won't stop trying to help you no matter what.

I would give anything

I'd like to thank you all for coming

I'll give you my number.

I'll have what she's having.

I'll just go down and get yours back.

I'll shrink myself down and come get you.

I'll take care of him.

I'm a calico, and my name is Humphrey.

I'm a Christian woman, Brian.

I'm a little chilly.

I'm afraid Jess's condition is too serious

I'm alive with pleasure.

I'm allergic to chocolate.

I'm autistic.

I'm coming, Alan Thicke.

I'm coming, broken people!

I'm Corey, and today I'm gonna teach you

I'm Corey, and today I'm gonna teach you

I'm even going to make a speech at your wedding.

I'm getting you out ofere.

I'm giving this lasagna a massage

I'm glad I met you, Stewie.

I'm glad to see you.

I'm having him euthanized.

I'm here for Brian Griffin.

I'm just some woman

I'm losing track of my surroundings.

I'm not a nobody!

I'm not a nobody.

I'm not even that small.

I'm not going to let you be my first failure.

I'm not good at the football part.

I'm not just out for sex.

I'm not re what dysplasia is, but I do know

I'm not ready to be married.

I'm not sure that's a complete number,

I'm not. I want you to be the ring bearer,

I'm okay.

I'm on this side of, Jeffrey.

I'm Peter Griffin, inventor of the Suit Chute.

I'm serious. I really enjoy spending time with this woman,

I'm so happy to place this ring

I'm sorry I couldn't hear that, it's too high pitched.

I'm sorry to say you have hip dysplasia.

I'm sorry, Brian.

I'm sorry, I'm just realizing I never caught her last name.

I'm Stewie. Yeah, I don't think I...

I'm still recovering from that one thing you did

I'm taking it...

I'm the black one.

I'm too small, am I, Brian?

I'm warning you, if you kill me, the Internet's gonna freak out.

I've always wondered what that sounds like to you.

I've been diagnosed with non Hodgkin's lymphoma.

I've forgotten what it's like to be kind.

I've never seen this place before.

I've simply shrunken down your molecular structure.

Ice cream?

If he's the same as Bill Pullman?

If I get soaked in the rain, I'll be too heavy to move.

If she were still here with me.

If Stephen Dorff gave up acting for it.

If there's anything I can do...

If they're watching, they must be...

If we get inside, I can remotely hack into the shrink ray.

If you put your finger in a rat's butt, that disables it.

If you spent the rest of your life

If you spent the rest of your life

If you wore my tux from when I got married.

If you're lucky

In a car accident tonight.

In a lab, like Frankenstein.

In a McDonald's commercial?

In fact, I'm gonna put it where you can never reach it.

In fact, today, I'm gonna ask for... nay, demand a raise.

In Montgomery, Alabama.

In my drawer, just like that.

Instead of bringing you here to have you killed.

Is at least 20 pounds heavier than how they look.

Is Bernie Sanders here bothering you?

Is Brian going to, uh...

Is coming on now.

Is this a pool?

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

It ain't a box of chocolates.

It does seem like they're making it for kids.

It does seem like we're meant for each other.

It is?

It may have started in my penis,

It must be weird having only women come over to see Mommy.

It seems today that all you see

It seems today that all you see

It seems today that all you see

It smells like raspberry.

It tastes great and I don't feel violently ill

It was awash in cake and pony boners.

It was easy, really.

It was my husband's name.

It was the only thing this little guy could do.

It would be my honor

It's a miracle!

It's all about how she's having her period,

It's beautiful.

It's fine, it's Tinazidine.

It's like a whole Thanksgiving dinner.

It's like I'm a baby bird.

It's not nap time, Stewie. Wake up.

It's okay, Chris.

It's possible we've taken this too far.

It's ridiculous.

It's so easy to vape more.

It's Tinazidine.

It's worse than Syria, don't you think?

It's... beautiful.

Jess is going to live!

Jess is gonna live

Jess really has been amazing.

Jess, I wish we had a million years together.

Jess, I would like to help you cross offos

Jess, I'll come right out and say it.

JESS: Mom, guess what?

Jess?

Jess? Are you okay?

Just how much I was gonna miss Jess.

Just keep your eyes on the hips.

Just relax. Exhale for once.

Keep it down up there!

Keeping coming, Jumpy!

Kind of like a pre op?

Kiss!

L Listen, I've been wanting to talk to you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies.

Laugh and cry

Laugh and cry

Learned that from a third grader.

Let me guess, Bri. You're off to try and get laid

Let me try.

Let's choke on these... together.

Let's face it, this is the most fun we've had

Let's switch.

Like "How to Play Guitar."

Like frustrated mothers are supposed to do.

Like taking candy, or a whistle, from a baby.

Like the astronaut who thinks the lowest number is three.

Like the movie The Ring.

Like when I finally built the Leaning Tower of Pisa

Like when I used to write tombstones.

Like you took care of me when I was sick.

Listen, I don't have long.

Listen, I kn I know we've had our differences,

Listen, I want to throw you the wildest bachelor party

Listen, Stewie and I come from a place

Listen, stick with me.

Lois, you didn't have to go through all this trouble.

Look at all this shag carpet.

Look how mad the actual celebrity is.

Look how surprised the SNL actor is!

Look, all I want to say is...

Look, there's been a horrible mistake.

Losers.

Lucky there's a family guy