Family Guy (1999) - Season 15 Edit

A "refrigerator door" year.

A a what? A wha..

A Am I am I supposed to touch you?

A concussion?

A confused Jerome..

A couple guys mentioned that today on the field

A crock pot?

A few Celeste pizzas in that fridge

A fistful of baseball cards for us to sign

A flight from San Francisco to Quahog

A friendly massage?!

A guy on cocaine told me I'm the talent

A hundred and you're dead

A little something called American football

A long while back, just before we got married,

A lovely bouquet for a lovely..

A modern day gladiator

A tangled marionette.

A thousand apologies

A vegetable parking lot?

A weekend trip to Boston

A what? Let go of me!

Aah, I'm gonna go hide in my couch fort!

Aah, oh, my God,

Aah, son of a bitch!

Aah, that's not what I want!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Too far! Too far!

Aah! Jimmy! Oh, my God!

Aah! My face! Aah!

Aah! San Francisco!

Aah! Son of a bitch! My eyes!

Aah! You're a psycho!

About throwing it straight into the trash six hours later

About what do to if someone flies a drone

About who's been doing your dirty work

About your competitors

Above and beyond, Swanson

Absolutely

Absolutely

Absolutely not, Chris. I will not allow this

Absolutely.

Across the street and watch the cops raid the place?

Across this thing I use to masturbate

Actually, 54

Actually, I already receive The New York Times,

Actually, I use both and do, like, an Indian burn

Actually, one of them is my dad,

Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin

Affected by Y2K

After all, you certainly can't be any worse

After all, you..

After another couple beers.

After you poop

Afternoon!

Again, any volunteers?

Against a million fourth graders, you'd lose

Ah ha! No drugs, huh?

Ah, Brian, you finally made it

Ah, cool!

Ah, crap, he's even in the cutaways!

Ah, crap.

Ah, damn it, what the hell?!

Ah, damn. I think I was too wordy

Ah, here's my bag.

Ah, it's a little like tennis

Ah, it's so nice getting out of the house

Ah, no harm done

Ah, no!

Ah, right there

Ah, San Francisco

Ah, screw it

Ah, son of a bitch, Joe!

Ah, that stupid, fat guido.

Ah, the bastards kicked me out 'cause I'm not good enough

Ah, the water park

Ah, well, sorry, kids

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Chris!

Ah! I got to go buy a house

Ah! Science, help!

Ah. That's actually not a bad idea

Ah. There's the tingle

All in the name of entertainment.

All right

All right

All right

All right

All right, but listen up, Cleveland

All right, everybody bring your phones

All right, finally some peace and quiet,

All right, fine, I haven't

All right, fine, it was about the money

All right, fine, Meg

All right, Griffin, get in there!

All right, guys, let's go drink a bunch of free booze

All right, guys, nothing but the best for you two,

All right, here's 40, blown by the wind

All right, hitting the links

All right, I got a bowl of cereal

All right, I got to get to work by 7:40,

All right, I have time

All right, I'll do it

All right, I'll do it.

All right, I'll go tell the guys I'm not going

All right, I'll see you later

All right, I'm here

All right, if you promise

All right, ladies, I'm going to put this

All right, ladies, line up

All right, let's do it!

All right, let's give it a try

All right, let's let's get you out of here

All right, let's play ball

All right, let's see what's in the in flight magazine.

All right, listen up, maggots! Fun's over!

All right, now how long has your husband smelled like this?

All right, now, if you're going to sell honey

All right, Peter, I'm gonna go

All right, Peter, it's all cued up.

All right, Peter, show 'em what you got

All right, Phil, come stand by me, it's Ashley's turn

All right, plan "B."

All right, Quagmire, we got to talk

All right, Quagmire, you do upper, I'll do lower?

All right, since we sold out so fast,

All right, sounds good. Let's do this.

All right, take a gander

All right, tell you what I'd do, I'd back into a bathroom stall,

All right, that sounds fun. See you later.

All right, that's all the time we got.

All right, that's fine

All right, that's it, I'm not just gonna sit here

All right, the gay jokes are out of the way,

All right, then we should probably practice our piece

All right, there's only so many seats on the bus

All right, they're distracted,

All right, think

All right, this says if we don't get arrested

All right, time to greet the day

All right, time to Gronk a dump in my new house

All right, time to take flight,

All right, time to use the potty.

All right, we got to just throw that phone away

All right, we'll see you guys Sunday.

All right, we're just gonna step outside

All right, we're off to Mexico

All right, well, just in case, I'll be upstairs

All right, what if we..

All right, you guys, podcast time

All right, you know what? You guys were riding my coattails

All right. It's 'cause I don't like the way I look

All right. Remember to tell everyone who did this

All right. This time for the world record

All that's left now is living the pueblo lifestyle

All the worst roommates have ferrets

All you got to do is say "dyed black eyebrows"

All you have to do is move to Tallahassee!

ALL: Yay!

Already filled in crossword puzzle

Already made before observations,

Already the most challenging auction

Also use the Mona Lisa as a placemat. God

Also, I was wondering if there's any chance

Also, I'm insane!

Always have to work, or you're with your kids.

Am I getting them? Am I getting the robbers?

Am I running?

Amazing

America is gorging itself on processed food,

America needs to be punished

Americans are headed for a health catastrophe

An international crisis in ****stan,

And a cigar in his mouth

And a JD Power & Associates

And after that, you can hold the bunny!

And all it took was for us to hire

And all you can do is crap all over my job!

And America's most athletic Polish

And an undulating rat king that no one dares approach,

And and and none of it matters.

And arch my hips a little bit and breathe like a dying whale?

And awarding this condemned building to you..

And be a huge presence in the wedding photos.

And be a part of those kids' lives,

And be the base runner

And being the new CEO of Yahoo

And besides, I'm off to the spa down at the club

And besides, if you leave, the teams will be lopsided

And breaking Lois's other leg

And chanterelles or whatever's fresh

And check out the shower!

And didn't even know it?

And didn't want anything to do with us

And drinks where hot dogs is the straws

And eat the healthy dinner I prepared,

And end this once and for all

And Esther, I'm so sorry you ripped your perineum

And everyone who went to the University of Arizona

And fair warning some of the books are pop up,

And figure out a counter

And find out there's no fire.

And finished my remake of Inside Out

And for God's sake,

And for Jason O'Neil,

And get a hit at Fenway Park,

And go "joop joop" and see what he does?

And guess the weight of any baby that was tossed to me.

And he called you fat

And he'll want them out of here

And he's been out in the blazing sun for two days

And he's practically family

And heard my awesome jams and beats

And help me out of the tub

And here's today's "Tuesday Trivia" question:

And his face and earlobes are missing

And hope that future science will save us

And how about you, douche bag music producer Scott Storch?

And how long before I can take this out?

And how?

And I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle

And I banged all the goofy right out of me

And I bet it's completely traumatized

And I can't go back to my job as a magician's assistant

And I do like your mustache.

And I don't ever want her to be in charge of me

And I figured I'd bring it over,

And I got a little worried for you

And I hate being in the car with her

And I just let them walk all over me

And I just wanted to say..

And I know when I'm upset, it's nice to let someone else in.

And I may assign a chore or two, That's great, Meg.

And I need your help

And I saw this flyer on her mini fridge

And I should've told you.

And I sure hope you don't walk across them with muddy paws

And I think you're just

And I thought maybe we could grab some lunch together

And I was excited that for one weekend,

And I wasn't about to stand by and watch him kick your ass

And I'll bet there's more where that came from

And I'm Ballers.

And I'm concerned about your health

And I'm free.

And I'm gonna call you "Two."

And I'm gonna keep it

And I'm gonna prove it to you

And I'm Grover Cleveland

And I'm never going to be one

And I'm not going back in that house

And if you love the golden year of movies, 2003,

And if you move one muscle before then,

And if you see Miss Millikan, tell her I said,

And if you want to continue to date her

And if you work at it and get a little better,

And if your foot comes off the bag,

And invade their privacy

And is headed for Las Vegas

And isn't afraid to pop a zit on my back

And it got away with my friendship bracelet

And it's all gonna be disgusting

And it's not gonna ruin this

And just for being such a trooper,

And just sign by dragging your bare finger

And just start kickin'

And kill you if you try to do anything about it

And knock 'em out?

And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful

And let's crack a Cadbury Egg over the whole thing

And listen to Lois tell me how fat and unhealthy I am

And look! Even that plane with all the missiles is impressed.

And making no less sense than it did when it was current

And my online handmade lip balm business is really taking off.

And never once have I broken a lamp

And next time I want to get back at your bullies,

And nobody likes bad news

And not that lady murderer that's been all over the news.

And not trying to dance like Beyoncé

And now for the confusing commercial backstory

And now I can finally get into the cockpit

And now to discharge the plane's fire retardant

And now, The History Channel presents

And now, to pull the two sides apart

And now, two football players are going to do something

And on the car ride home, they put on a puppet show

And on top of that, Tinder makes you gross.

And one more thing

And our communications are jammed,

And out your butt, you little bastard!

And over here's a room that's just got a lit candle

And over there's where I threw a D cell battery at José Canseco

And pays for your hobby

And Peter, you, too

And pour some of that Scotch of yours to celebrate

And practice with retired Red Sox players

And pretend to be the most important guy there

And pretend to eat a wooden hamburger patty

And probably don't even know I exist, but you're my father

And put on a shirt. You're 50

And Quagmire owes me a favor anyway, remember?

And read me the comics

And Ruth Cochammer. No laughing

And see what that psycho does next

And since Cleveland already owns a green suit and a top hat..

And sleep in our room

And started thinking about baby man Billy Corgan

And still get devoured by Gremlins

And stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service

And suicides in former players!

And take it for ourselves

And take out all the parts where the cops go pee pee

And take you fellas on a free trip,

And Ted Williams' severed head

And thanks for talking us on that little detour to Dollywood

And that and, uh, I am super dizzy

And that way nobody gets their feelings hurt.

And that you've been letting your neighbor

And that's not all I also use it

And that's where we get the expression

And that's why I love you, muchacho

And the best honey you'll ever taste in your whole life.

And the girls wouldn't leave me alone.

And the pool is filled with my favorite food:

And the truth is,

And the winner is..

And their friends, Jeremy and Bridget

And then come out and react to the fact that we're flying

And then have their parents sign it

And then I got on my plane

And then I'm gonna fall asleep watching transvaginal mesh

And then I'm supposed to be quiet about it?

And then play in a real game, right on the field at Fenway

And then we could all play together

And then we'll have our own castle

And then we're gonna have to listen to..

And then when I saw everyone giving you all that attention,

And then you and Brady'll look at each other and..

And then, like, a saucy, smirking face,

And then, the next night, he invited the watching guy

And there might be a gas leak in this thing

And there's five of you here,

And there's nothing pretend about this

And they locked us out.

And they need someone to play at the ceremony

And they're showing blitz!

And this is all haunch, baby

And tidy up the bulletin board.

And to me and our kids, you will always be a winner

And to show I'm a fun principal,

And to them I'd like to issue a special welcome

And two days of being away

And two teachers that you need to do something about.

And wait till I say it's okay

And wave as it goes by so we're on the street view

And we came up with a list of 11 students

And we can still make our reservation

And we couldn't be anything more than friends

And we'd like you to be back in the group

And we'll give you $500 if you can sing Britney Spears'

And we'll go right there

And we're almost totally sold out.

And we're completely out of food and water. I know

And we're gonna take the kids to the park

And we're keeping an eye on The Knick

And we're only here for the fantasy weekend at Fenway Park.

And wearing a yin yang necklace.

And what better way to show you I'm serious

And what's this booth over here?

And when you do, we're all gonna be there

And while we're gone, Brian's in charge

And white folks you don't hear from anymore

And who is Larry?

And why are you holding them that way?

And wiggle your toes!

And will be up for auction tomorrow

And without my help

And writing quaint things like,

And you go nuts and break your wife's leg

And you have every reason to be ashamed of me

And you know what you don't see from up here?

And you know what? If that's true,

And you should be proud of yourself

And you should never ask that unless you're sure, by the way

And you think you should make small talk?

And you, Scott Caan?

And you, you're done

And you're gonna get that hit

And you're still putting the dog in charge?

And your employee spoke to me loudly and with profanity

And, honestly, once I knew that,

And, Javier, get their keys and take their SUV

And, Phil, we'll see you tomorrow

And, uh, and Meg went down to to put money in the meter

And, uh..

And, you know, there's four of us

And... Hello

ANNOUNCER: Hockey Cop, not a cop

ANNOUNCER: Jersey Mike's

ANNOUNCER: Subway please don't think of pedophilia

ANNOUNCER: Wow! Newcomer Meg Griffin

Another milkshake, please.

Another workout room,

Anyway,

Anyway, be good.

Anyway, I know this makes me sound awful, but I almost wish

Anyway, my brother Louie, he's a..

Anyway, sorry I'm late.

Anyway, they're not gonna let you play football, Stewie

Anyway, we didn't really get a chance

Anyway, we got to call Child Services.

Anyway, where's Larry?

Anyways, 'sup with you guys?

Apparently, people love the wretched

Apply every five minutes, and you're good for five minutes.

Archers..

Are all the same thickness

Are going to jail even Ted Williams.

Are here to have sex with prostitutes

Are monitoring the situation closely

Are people giving you a hard time?

Are you "Glenn within five miles"?

Are you afraid of me, little guy?

Are you cooking in your car?

Are you even listening to me?

Are you going to open this door,

Are you gonna let your wife play?

Are you guys trying to get rid of me?

Are you kidding? Screw that

Are you living in a truck?

Are you okay?

Are you ready to order?

Are you really gonna listen to a phone over me?

Are you serious? That'd be great!

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you talking about the sandwich house?

Are you talking to me?

Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea,

Are you, are you allowed to do that?

As a curtain, I'll be there

As a grown man beating up teenagers in a parking lot

As a napkin

As an extension of your arm

As far away from her as possible

As gently as I can,

As part of a crippling child custody battle

As quickly as possible

As read by Chelsea Handler

As soon as he comes out, we spray this right in his eyes.

As speculation grows that the plane has been hijacked

As you can see, I've taken off my blazer

Ashamed of you?

Ashley, go ahead, pick an answer, find a question,

At an airfield in Nevada

At Fifth and Maple

At our age, all I'm really looking for in a husband

At The Cheesecake Factory

At the clubs that made me go deaf

At the end of the game, but I can't play him. He's too little.

At the farmers' market, you need to practice

At the museum. Really?

At the push of a button

At this rate, this is what the future will look like

At Walt's Roast Beef

Attention, passengers, I know we're being hijacked,

Attention, passengers, the plane...

AUDIENCE: Why... and... how!

Audience?

Aw

Aw, damn it, Cleveland

Aw, damn it, Peter!

Aw, don't worry about Peter

Aw, great! I accidentally started Chris's birth video.

Aw, he was taking me with him

Aw, I don't care

Aw, my nightmare dog is dead

Aw, nuts

Aw, rats

Aw, sweet, board games!

Aw, this is your big moment and I'm ruining it

Aw, we'd love that

Aw, yeah, peanut butter cup Dorito sausage car panini

Aw, yeah, sure, no problem

Awesome!

Awesome! We haven't done anything as a group

Ay, Chris, I missed you, too

Ay, thank God.

Babe Ruth. Ha!

Babies' earring have chip

Baby Einstein, Muppet Babies

Back off! He may have a concussion

Barney Frank

Barry Bonds says that's too much steroids

Beautiful pass by Tom Brady

Because he thought it looked comfortable in cartoons

Because I'm telling you, he lied right to my face

Because it's actually more fun Sounds like you got it all worked out

Because my producer is telling me on Game of Thrones

Because of all the homeless masturbation.

Because of your idiot million guess.

Because there's no way I'm gonna change my answer

Because what you and your father have been doing is wrong.

Because you care about them,

Because you might get devoured by Gremlins?

Because you're paying for it on an iPad

Because, apparently, this sounds

Because. You're a pain in the ass to live with

Bees?

Before he opened his slut legs.

Behind the boorish facade?

Being sad at Disneyland.

Believe me, Meg, you want me in charge

Believes leprechauns are real

Bend down and touch your toes

Between housekeeping

Between my wife and the ADT alarm guy

Black folks you've never heard of

Black woman

Blaring music he's been playing in those nightclubs

Bo Peep!

Body water in my mouth.

BONNIE: "It's all been a pack of lies."

BONNIE: But he let a whole day pass?

BONNIE: I feel like maybe this story is bogus

BONNIE: Really? Why wouldn't he have just

BONNIE: That sounded really good

BONNIE: Wait, if he just watched,

BONNIE: What? Why?

Borders

Both yes and no.

Boy stuff. Hitting the shower

Boy, I can't believe there'd be corrupt cops in Mexico

Boy, I could really get used to this rich guy stuff

Boy, that was quite a trip, wasn't it?

Boy, that was rough.

Boy, what a trip.

Brian, bitches. Bitches, Brian

Brian, Brian, hold on

Brian, do you always listen to the Sirius XM preview station?

Brian, I never said you could have guests.

Brian, maybe you shouldn't sleep in our bedroom

Brian, Meg's lost her mind

Brian, please, I need help

Brian, please, I trust that this handsome young customer

Brian, please. If you do this for me,

Brian, that's a great idea

Brian, there's no nudity in that movie

Brian, what's up?

Brian, you're not kidding anyone

BRIAN: Meg, slow down. You're coming way too fast

BRIAN: They're cleats!

Brian! Brian!

Brian! Brian! Aah!

Brian! Get in here!

Brigitte Nielsen drunk in a Burbank park.

Bring me your housekeeper!

Bring your girlfriend with the fat ass in here.

Bringing prostitutes into our B and B,

Brother brand all in one fax scanner color copier

Busting heads and keeping us safe

But as a mom, I don't know if I can in good conscience

But don't worry, he'll be fine

But don't worry, I'll take care of it

But don't worry, I'm planning on

But Dr

But Dr

But drinking that on your knees is..

But everything's going so well

But first you guys got to do one thing for me

But first, earlier today at city hall,

But first, grab that Gold Bond and powder my speed bag

But first, Quahog says good bye

But he had that crazy meltdown about his divorce

But he has a son.

But he isn't. But he should be

But he's happy, and she seems like she's into him

But how can I be a deejay?

But I am a bit of a shutterbug.

But I am not gonna take it from you

But I can't ask you to take care of my children.

But I can't get anything done. It's so damn loud around here

But I can't wait to see what you've done in the cellar

But I could never do without you

But I don't think you'd want to go out with me.

But I don't understand

But I got your squishy drugs right here

But I hate having to

But I I need a little more time to figure this out

But I know someday you will make an incredible father

But I learned a little bit of your language,

But I never thought I'd lose my life there

But I promise I'll make it up to you

But I think I realized my mom was right

But I thought you were gonna dress like a baseball player

But I used to daydream that by now

But I would be remiss if I didn't point out

But I'll take care of it. I promise

But I'm done with it

But I'm done with it

But I'm glad you did.

But I'm not a champ, I'm a fat loser

But I've been doing other violin stuff

But I've gone deaf

But if he's not your boyfriend, why'd you kiss him?

But if I were you, I'd stay off the field

But if they're alive, we'll get you over there

But if you do have a child out there,

But if you're upset about the guys

But it appears that someone's rectum

But it sounds like things are going pretty well down there

But it was nice to meet you, Chris.

But lean in and I'll tell you

But let's go blind that old bastard

But let's just agree on a rule

But more importantly, you're our pal,

But my dance card is full

But no one will know for sure because halfway through

But nobody noticed, 'cause the account manager from B of A

But not One Direction

But now I see that none of that matters if I don't..

But now we're all gonna die.

But now you're back in the real world

But of course I forgive you

But once he sees how big the other kids are, he'll back out

But only open on the middle part..

But over on Masters of Sex, Lizzy Caplan

But perhaps we can make other arrangements

But rather, an obligation

But right on time for a principal.

But Rob Kardashian's gonna be at this thing,

But seeing you like this, I realize you were right

But Stewie's just been so fussy lately

But sure, yeah, I could take you somewhere.

But that didn't ruin our honeymoon,

But that's baseball.

But that's not what this is.

But the people in them are too fat

But the podcast was a disaster

But the pretzel thing sounds up my alley

But the, uh, the sperm bank said it was okay to contact you.

But then last night, I get this call from a woman

But there will be a schedule, Uh huh.

But there's a couple of coyotes over there

But they can't send you away

But they make you sign, like, a two year..

But this is Peter's weekend.

But this is unrelated

But to call for a complete muscle failure

But wait, Isabella,

But we're four months behind on our mortgage.

But you could be arrested

But you could use it that way?

But you do

But you helped me find myself again

But you know, in ways besides the way,

But you'll get hurt

But you're not, so I don't want any part of this

But you're right, Lois. I'm gonna change

But you're the only one who's done no work

But, hey, now I got something even more fun

But, right now, we're getting word of breaking news

But, yeah, now Donna is forcing me to eat healthy.

But, you know, you know, anyone.

But..

But... (grunting)

But... he could be

Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher!

Butt scratcher! Butt scratcher!

By a couch on a dolly with wheels,

By God, we're levitating

By sending a giant Fruit Bouquet?

By the way, Dwarf Peter died

By the way, I ate all the "L"s. They're delicious

Can I be honest with you, Dad?

Can I have a turn? I want a turn

Can I have your baby?

Can I help you?

Can I help you?

Can I keep the little person Peter?

Can I kiss you?

Can I see your ID, please?

Can move back in and

Can you all stay for dinner?

Can you forgive me?

Can you guys argue elsewhere?

Can you help us get to the border?

Can you walk it off? No!

Can't be any worse than when I was on the Night's Watch

Can't be quieter in pornos?

Can't it be both?

Can't leave

Can't you see how important I am?

Cancel my husband's life insurance.

Captain

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

Carter and I became friends

Carter wants nothing to do with me

Carter was still blind so he'd still need me

Carter, it's me, Brian

Carter, what happened?

Chances are you'll be hit by a bus

Chapter one. Stuff I can fit in my lady place.

Check it out, Here comes a hawk

Check it out, my hot tub is filled with coffee

Check this out. You'll love this

Check! Check!

Check. Check him out

CHEERLEADERS (chanting): Check. Him out

Choice of wine, a couple of inspirational quotes,

Chris can't just be stuck with these babies

Chris is injured,

Chris, are you crazy?

Chris, are you crazy?

Chris, are you sure this is Isabella's village?

Chris, I just wanted to say good bye

Chris, I'm having a really nice time with you

Chris, if I may?

Chris, meet Orville Redenbacher and his son. Watch

Chris, please

Chris, pretend to answer the phone.

Chris, put that down

Chris, stop

Chris, what are you doing with Isabella's babies?

Chris, what are you doing?

Chris, what the hell?

Chris, you saved my babies

Chris, you're living in a dreamland

CHRIS: "Memory card full"?

CHRIS: Oopsie poopsie!

Chris!

Clean out your locker!

Cleveland, just be happy with what you have

Cleveland, yes or no

Cleveland! Joe!

Cleveland?

Close the cockpit door!

Coach Herrera?

Coach, the bus is here.

COACH: Griffin, you're up

Come on in, gummy bears!

Come on, back it up over here.

Come on, don't get mad, bro

Come on, guys, it could be cool

Come on, I got to deliver this pizza.