Modern Family - Season 1 Edit

A 91 year old bank robber in Texas?

A beautiful home.

A bird fell out of a tree and he fed it with an eyedropper.

A bunch of booze drenched hill people...

A bunch of immature boys trying to impress you with how cool they are...

A certain nervous young couple shared their first kiss...

A coach is supposed to ride the kids hard.

A decent anniversary present.

A dog... to keep.

A family style Italian restaurant,

A family style Italian restaurant,

A few days ago, the cable guy was under the house.

A few years back, my granddaughter Haley ran a 5K, so I had a few of these made up.

A friend? Really? Yeah? What's his name?

A gift card? Yeah.

A limo? Yeah.

A little little lower, Dad.

A little bit difficult. Gulf divides us, eh?

A little gay. There we go.

A little. I'm so sorry.

A lot of parents are hitting again. I appreciate your concern,

A man we met on safari in Tanzania.

A poet, a pilot, a president

A skosh to the left.

A tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character.

About her skirt? Sorry.

About wanting a little time for ourselves.

About your little... coupons.

Absolutely. Oh, not right Okay.

Actually, "Where's Waldo?" Doesn't stand out.

Actually, a rock would sink. So a floating rock.

Actually, Claire and I were supposed to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon.

Actually, I came to give you this.

Actually, I did get one right mood a couple nights ago,

Actually, I think we're done with pool for right now.

Actually, I was just checking on that. She's supposed to send me a message.

Actually, it's exciting. I'm in a new movie, Maple Drive. Just came out.

Actually, no, I'm her husband.

Actually, not for long. He's getting a new bike this afternoon.

Actually, um, I have plans tomorrow,

Actually, we're just gonna go ahead and leave that open.

After a few weeks, they start to smell. [Gloria] Ew!

After about an hour.

After that, I I... pretty much just talked to my mom.

Agreed. Okay, how does this thing work?

Ah Fix that step.

Ah, don't tell me. You need a cup of sugar.

Ah, don't worry. He never took care of himself.

Ah, he's dragging you, huh? Yeah.

Ah, Jay, papi, don't pay attention to what he's saying.

Ah, Jay. [Chuckles]

Ah, she hates Barkley. It's the same stuff I went over with your mom all the time.

Ah, son of a You gave me the wrong screwdriver.

Ah, thanks, buddy. Ow.

Ah, that's a tough one.

Ah, the hell it is.

Ah, this is ridiculous. You're both uptight about everything.

Ah! Cameron, it was the most incredible thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Ah! Still funny, Son. [Laughter]

Ah! Wow!

Ah. A fellow victim.

Ah. Look at this. [All Fussing]

Aha! ¿Qué pasa?

Aha. You looking for someone?

Air conditioner on. [Air Blowing]

Alex has never really been a kid.

Alex read my journal. I did not!

Alex, don't be mean. Haley, stop making yourself such an easy target.

Alex, honey, will you go find out what's wrong with your brother?

Alex, honey. Hi.

Alex, leave your sister alone.

Alex, leave your sister alone. She's gonna be fine.

Alex, stop torturing your brother.

Alex, why'd you take the blame?

Alex! We'll be up to talk to you in a minute. Just go.

Alex. Alex!

Alex. Sorry. I'm just worried about Luke.

All aboard.

All about the big government rolling over the little guy,

All I can hear is Claire's voice in my head

All I know is it really made me wonder about Haley.

All I see is a dad who doesn't show up.

All my music is on my phone. What else am I supposed to do?

All of our old clothes.

All right, buddy. Just play it, lzzy.

All right, Cam. I'm sorry.

All right, come on. We'll do one. Stay there.

All right, don't worry, Lily. I'm sure we'll get to the show on time.

All right, gentlemen. I talked to the referee. I'm coaching.

All right, Haley, honey, go and have fun,

All right, I need the Dunphys over on this side.

All right, I'll see you guys next week, huh?

All right, left turn. Here?

All right, let's all give Luke a big hand for being so brave.

All right, listen. I might still be holding a little resentment, but that's...

All right, look. I

All right, look. We've all been working hard lately, okay?

All right, relax.

All right, when you back into Hey.

All right, when you're a mom, everything goes by so quickly.

All right, you know, I'm gonna give the speech. You are not giving the speech.

All right? I knew this would happen.

All right? I'm sorry. It was an accident.

All right.

All right. [Phil] You never want your kids to see you scared.

All right. Bye. [Phone Beeps]

All right. Go on. Get in there. You sure?

All right. I just need to...

All right. I'm going in. What?

All right. I'm good.

All right. Keep the hustle, keep the hustle. Come on, boys. Don't let 'em push you around.

All right. Let's do it again. We really have to go.

All right. Let's go! Let's go! Come on. Let's go!

All right. Let's go. Yeah. Yes. Yes. That would be fun.

All right. Let's start this from the beginning.

All right. Let's talk about why you got your panties in a bunch.

All right. Manny, come.

All right. Now, wait. Which one? The old one or the young one?

All right. Okay. You can do this.

All right. That's my boy!

All right. We still need to pack Lily's toys, print the boarding passes.

All right. Who wants to start us off?

All righty. Here's another one for Luke.

All systems down. All systems down.

All the grandkids are coming over for Jay's Night. Family tradition.

All the other cousins are sleeping over tonight.

All the things that you used to do as a little boy.

All the time you've spent in a locker room, this can't be your first moon landing.

All week, Luke and I have been getting more and more excited about what it could be.

Aloha, Lily. Aloha. Oh, wait. Let's do it one more time.

Aloha! Hi!

Aloha.

Aloha. Hi. Sorry, folks. This pool is for adults only.

Although "great" hardly seems to do a room like this justice.

Although he did die doing what he loved

Always a good quality in a driver.

Am I even pronouncing that right?

Am I just supposed to ignore the giant panda in the room?

Am I putting you in a bad position with this whole dog thing?

Am I the only one who hasn't read it?

Amazing. This is awesome.

America was immersed in Desert Storm.

An English gentleman in town for a polo match.

And I know.

And a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.

And a really beautiful house.

And Alex is gonna be off at college, and you're gonna be

And all she sees is the teeny tiny flaw.

And all we see there is Salazar and El Oso Save Christmas.

And and and breasts and womb, lady bits

And and frankly, it's a little hurtful that he doesn't know that.

And and plot the death of Dora the Explorer.

And be back in time for your grandfather's birthday dinner, okay?

And be safe and not hurt my daughter.

And boom Out of nowhere, he hits me.

And by the way You know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve?

And by the way You know how hard it is to get fireworks on Christmas Eve?

And changed into my work pumps.

And Claire was 13, they were competitive ice dancers Figure skaters!

And contact.

And declare your love for a 16 year old,

And don't worry. You know, I'm not gonna take any job. [Laughs]

And Easter

And especially no more of your crazy holidays!

And everybody will think we're a couple straight golfin' buddies...

And everybody's gonna be there.

And everybody's hooking up, and now you're disappointed.

And finding the right photographer.

And for us, we're gonna of a company or of a country.

And fornicating in the stairwell.

And Haley is

And Haley is turning into this beautiful young woman,

And have the kids never take any of our threats seriously again?

And he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder.

And he didn't want to go because he doesn't like small talk.

And he just wants to recreate them with you.

And he still does this thing where he announces himself...

And he was entertaining us all afternoon with his card tricks. [Claire] Oh.

And he would actually listen to what I wanted.

And he, um

And he'd have loved you.

And he's getting older.

And he's gonna get that from his weird gay clown uncle?

And her boyfriend, Dylan, um

And his moment went on for a really, really long time.

And hope for the best.

And how are things with you and your mom now?

And how awesome would it be to have a fake little brother who's really my nephew.

And I

And I I just I miss being on your team.

And I can smell that hair goo of his from here.

And I can't get the sound to work.

And I didn't want you to humiliate yourself in front of all those people

And I don't care what some jackass in a pair of ripped jeans thinks about me.

And I don't wanna rub anyone the wrong way.

And I even had this great moment at the end...

And I got a free toothbrush. Hey, you want to go to the movies?

And I have some nice wine, a good Cuban cigar for Jay.

And I have something for you. Here.

And I I guess I held it too close to the couch.

And I just I wanted to feel attractive for a second, you know?

And I know it's selfish of me, but

And I know that sounds kind of rough, but sometimes it's a dad's job to be the tough guy.

And I know why. It's because that man thought you were my father.

And I know you like to make trouble for your sister, but it's not gonna work this time.

And I love you so much, and I appreciate everything you do for me.

And I still saw traces of Martin Luther King behind her ear.

And I think maybe you too, huh?

And I think now you can feel safe talking to me about whatever.

And I think we need to bring this new energy home.

And I thought, I could do the usual, be a chump, give the money back to the casino,

And I used to have a machete. But times have changed.

And I was thinking, "Okay, I'm gonna call them."

And I won't lie It isn't always easy.

And I would've gotten my butt kicked at a gas station.

And I'll be thinking of your dad while you do. Mmm.

And I'll swing by after work to pick you up. No, no.

And I'll tell you what. We're gonna have you over to our little house to celebrate.

And I'm covered in paste and peanut butter,

And I'm really bad at small talk, so

And I'm sorry. Mmm.

And I'm thankful for that every day.

And I'm the jerk.

And I'm thinking if you were driving a little fast,

And I'm very lucky to have you in my life. Oh, Mitchell.

And if he doesn't like it, he knows where he can go.

And if he was alive today Sweet pea, let's not talk about Ling.

And if I had a soda, I wouldn't be thirsty anymore.

And if I never wake up, I'd hate for the last thing you ever said to me to be a lie.

And if I'm there with a gay guy, it's it's just not gonna be the same.

And if the old lady don't like it

And if you ask me,

And if you need it, there's the ladies' room.

And if you two think I'm such a bad driver,

And it all just comes rushing back to her, and I

And it makes me realize that motherhood is San Francisco.

And it seems like things have gotten a little wonky around here.

And it used to bug me, you know, because there was never a trophy in my house.

And it'll all come back to me.

And it's it's nice.

And it's Elvis. No way.

And it's hot. Have you tried wiggling?

And it's just gonna get worse and worse until the flight.

And it's just gonna get worse and worse until the flight.

And Junior Congress at noon.

And just then, it hit me. She was jealous of me.

And just to prove how wrong you are,

And know that you were angry at me when we took it.

And last week I had a really bad dream,

And let him think his bike was stolen.

And let me tell you. You're better off, because he was a bit of a drama queen.

And Manny's afraid of roller coasters. Poor kid.

And maybe a little bit for ourselves too.

And Mitch and Cam managed to do some sightseeing...

And Mitchell is still upset because Claire quit the team right before some meet.

And my boyfriend likes your Acapulco pictures, probably a little too much.

And my college roommate's wife just had to get a new hip.

And my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.

And my parents, they always just knew.

And now Oh, wow! [Grunts]

And now choose "Watch DVD." What?

And now I'm the one on the hook for it.

And now that I have a family, it's getting a little old.

And now you have to follow through.

And now you'll know that I'm not a manic Mother Teresa out there collecting lost souls.

And now you're sitting on my linen jacket.

And on the inside, it says, "Thank you for last noche,

And once I spent a week in Cancún,

And one frowny, lesson teachy dad.

And part of me wanted to take her back to the house...

And Phil shot him.

And please, Claire, don't try to make Mitchell do something he doesn't wanna do.

And really you're just throwing me to the wolves.

And send over a couple of virgin mai tais.

And set up an arts and crafts table.

And shame on you, you small minded, ignorant few Mitchell.

And she we feel like this is a chance for you to show some responsibility.

And she stole a turkey at Thanksgiving for her family and got deported?

And she's always making lists of things for me to do.

And she's on a date with him at my favorite restaurant, Great Shakes.

And show her everything she was missing...

And since you don't have either one of those things, you're gonna be the funny guy

And since you're leaving for a week, I want to stare at you as long as I could.

And sit down for a minute, like any kind person would.

And so it gets lost in the holiday shuffle.

And so the student becomes the master. The once mighty

And some parts just seemed crazy.

And sometimes they wear dresses. Hmm.

And Superman can't drag himself away from a craps table,

And take three deep breaths and relax.

And taken Claire to Fratelli's,

And taken Claire to Fratelli's,

And thank you too.

And thank you.

And that guy looked like he'd been in a brawl or two.

And that includes New Year's Eve.

And that is Lily's "help me" cry. [Wailing]

And that is something worth toasting.

And that leads to a lot of resentment and guilt. Yes! Yes!

And that's gonna create stuff, but you want different.

And that's my baby, Luke. He's 11. Can you believe it? Oh, my God, they're gorgeous.

And that's my girlfriend, Jenny. She makes a hell of a margarita. Want one?

And that's okay. No, don't say that.

And that's what this little guy's doing

And that's when it really hit me.

And the bedroom's got a window on the ceiling. I wish we could live here.

And the cowboy hat did not hurt one bit.

And the dog was looking at it like it was a giant sausage.

And the first child gets jealous of the second child and starts acting out.

And the flowers and the balloons

And the latter being a humorless snoot.

And the next you're lying underneath the air hockey table with your bra in your pocket.

And the next... the game of Truth or Claire sweeps your high school.

And the pet store didn't have a grace period or a return policy or anything?

And the photographer's gotta get to a bar mitzvah in 10 minutes.

And the romance of eternal life.

And the steam, wet.

And the vampires like to eat the blood. [Chuckles]

And then crazy thing I put it down for one minute, and someone swiped it from me.

And then Oh, we gotta leave for that dinner thing at 5:00.

And then Alex is 13.

And then bolted.

And then everybody better hide their meat.

And then he wants me to take them out for ice cream,

And then I met your mom.

And then I stole the ball from the other team,

And then I thought, "Oh, no, you can't call them...

And then I was, like, "That's fine by me." Honey, like.

And then I would end up leaving, crying.

And then I'll just find something in a... few months.

And then look what she tried to give me.

And then my client gets scared and settles. I'm sorry.

And then one of the Transformers And then it

And then press Mmm! I got it.

And then press "Input"...

And then she was, like, "Well, if you don't play " Like! Like!

And then suddenly you come in with all of your Asian ness...

And then that moment gets taken away.

And then the guys start kissing her?

And then they bubble up later in hurtful ways. Okay, you know what? Yes.

And then we all watch a Western together,

And then we are gonna be on No.

And then we blamed Esperanza and fired her...

And then we get a preview of whatever's in there. How ingenious is that, huh?

And then we never have to talk about this ever, ever again.

And then we're gonna do our Family Dance.

And then we're gonna move on to blocks, then finger painting,

And then you pull up. So

And then you walk on and suddenly it's all,

And then you're gonna stand out like "Where's Waldo?"

And then, I think, the Christmas of my second year,

And then, like, tell everyone the baby's yours?

And then, my needs my needs come second. Your needs right now...

And then, uh, I guess that leaves Luke.

And then, uh, I guess that leaves Luke.

And there's a secret compartment.

And they happen to sound something like that word.

And they look like sharks.

And they make up for those mistakes

And they said we wouldn't last. Yeah.

And third largest in the country.

And this here is Lily.

And this here is Lily.

And this is Lily.

And this is the great room,

And this isn't about you or me. This is about a little boy who deserves some happiness.

And this mangy raccoon had busted through your screen.

And this must be Lily. Oh, yes.

And this new bike doesn't raise a lot of embarrassing questions...

And this old lady needed to get home, so he gave up his seat.

And this to complete my set.

And those kids I could take Luke home with me.

And those raccoons need something to put between that bread,

And throw Luke the best birthday party of all time.

And trying to squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat.

And until then, all we need to do is just sit back...

And watch this little miracle here dazzle us.

And we got all these bottles to recycle.

And we had a lot of fun.

And we just want a Santa that actually looks like Santa.

And we made the mistake of putting it in a gift bag.

And we're bringing her home for the first time, huh?

And we're gonna get something to eat afterwards.

And what if he finds out? Then what?

And what was your dance name? O Zone. Yeah.

And when I believe, you believe.

And when I don't come, you think, uh what, I'm just off chasing a good time, hmm?

And when no one was home, I I tried it.

And when you opened it, there was a whole bunch of paintings,

And where are you? I only have a half hour for lunch.

And which would paradoxically make them respect us even more.

And who is wearing an outrageously inappropriate dress.

And who wants a big, emotional scene like that? Thank you. Thank you.

And who's David Brenner? Only a Vegas legend.

And why do you have to always add the word "gay" where it doesn't belong?

And with Mom and Dad's divorce, we were on opposing sides.

And without Mitchell, I would just keep giving and giving and giving.

And yet you waste your time harassing a little kid.

And you also have to show them respect.

And you are even more handsome. [Chuckles]

And you are loving your time off. Totally.

And you can decorate it. I've got beads and glitter and all kinds of stuff.

And you can pretend to be innocent all you want, but action speaks louder than words.

And you do have avoidance issues. Even Longinus said so.

And you don't have to worry about him cheating. That's for sure.

And you have a laugh that makes science lab seem like recess.

And you knew she was wrong.

And you know how Pepper is. Everything has to be perfect.

And you know what? Because Lily's here doesn't mean we love you any less.

And you know what? Note to all of you who judge Mitchell!

And you need to know all the PIN numbers and passwords.

And you offering to give me the dough This is beautiful.

And you really didn't know that he was gay?

And you sincerely thought that the path to Dad's approval...

And you start pressing all the buttons?

And you talked about killing her and throwing her in the ocean.

And you were totally on board. Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah, well,

And you'll never guess where. I guess Javier knew a guy. And you know what?

And you're growing. Just Just stop it. Please.

And you're sure it's not because I'm a fabulous racquetball player?

And you're the only one who wasn't into it.

And you're the only one who wasn't into it.

And your clothes and your poems!

And your hair looks really nice. Hmm. Thanks.

And your old buddies from cheerleading, and we can have a nerd party.

And your salmon is legendary.

And, ironically,

And, of course, I am just a kook for racquetball.

And, uh, I just want you to know that you can open up to me,

And, uh, there there's the, uh there's the ornament you sent us.

And, uh, they understood.

And, uh, this is the first time that my dad's asked me for legal advice,

And, uh, we just we decided we really wanted to have a baby.

And, um, I sense that you got a secret...

And, wow! You're not wearing that outfit.

And... merry Christmas.

And... she had to choose.

And... we're gonna wait for the fat Santa.

Andrew staged a little coup. ♪♪ [Sustained Note]

Andrew only lives, like, a couple blocks away from Grandpa's.

Andrew.

Anton and Scott! Sorry we're late!

Any idea of who you would remarry?

Any more than girls want their dads talking to 'em about periods,

Any reason I can't take him?

Any suggestions?

Anybody need anything? [Alex] No, thanks.

Anyhow, Mitch, uh

Anyone! Anyone, help! Alert security!

Anything on the old noodle?

Anything you want to share with me? Not really.

Anyway, I don't do that stuff.

Anyway, I had every intention of telling Claire.

Anyway, I'd like a large sausage and pepperoni

Anyway, I'm glad I ran into you.

Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here. His hand came off.

Anyway, I'm happy for you. And, uh, you should know that, uh,

Anyway, merry Christmas!

Anyway, thanks for having me over,

Anyway, um, so, about about a year ago,

Anyway, what I'm trying to say...

Apologize? Boyfriend? Apologize!

Are Are you really not hearing these names?

Are a puppet show.

Are just gonna have to punish all three of you.

Are looking at a naked picture online, they don't have any privacy.

Are these rose petals? Yes, to commemorate our love.

Are they the best at something?

Are they, uh, all gonna be up with us in first class?

Are you all right? Yes, I am.

Are you calling my father gay? No!

Are you drawing something there? Yeah. It's no good.

Are you drunk? Kinda.

Are you guys talking about Vicky? Yeah.

Are you hearing this?

Are you just scared to go in?

Are you kidding me with this line?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? He was very upset. He was dying to see you.

Are you kidding me? It smelled great in there.

Are you kidding me? Pull it. Oh, my goodness.

Are you kidding me? That's a straight.

Are you kidding me? They aren't?

Are you kidding? I had one when I was his age.

Are you kidding? This was the best birthday ever.

Are you kidding? We destroyed in there.

Are you nervous? Shut up, Alex.

Are you not happy that we're coming with you?

Are you okay? No.

Are you serious?

Are you seriously jealous? No, I am not jealous at all.

Are you sure I can't get you something to drink?

Are you sure one of your friends didn't burn the couch?

Are you sure? 'Cause you've been quiet all morning.

Are you telling me that I wasted a year of my life on this relationship?

Are you trying to lift me? You are. You're trying to lift me. Oh!

Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?

Aren't we going in? Yep, we are.

Aren't you, Lily? Oh, look how calm she is with you.

Artie Beckwith? He couldn't walk two feet without complaining.

As long as I don't get the same guy. He's so mean.

As long as I don't what? Cam? As long as I don't Oh, God!

As long as we're talking about being a little bit naughty,

As much as I love Lily

As the radio played this song.

Ass

Assuming you can walk by then.

At a working banana plantation

At first we thought it was really stupid, and then we had a blast, so

At least a baby can fit through a chimney.

At least I didn't give myself a bald spot.

At least let me give it a shot.

At the gas station? No, at my house.

At the intersection, yeah. Okay.

At the Radisson, by the airport.

At their lavender piano and played "Tiny Dancer."

At what? At selling.

Ate like crap and drank too much. Anyway, Irene's begging me for

Avoid shady, moist places, and let's make a game of looking where we step.

Aw, and there's the fifth type the sad clown.

Aw, geez, Gloria.

Aw, geez. It's okay.

Aw, that's Point.

Aw. No. Cam's right, you know.

Awesome! All of this excitement, my heart is just going.

Awesome.

Aww! She just couldn't wait to meet the new doggy.

Ay, believe me, this takes a lot of work.

Ay, chiquitín. [Laughs]

Ay, Dios mío. Did you took him with you?

Ay, good morning, papi. Is it?

Ay, Javier, yo no sé. Espérate para ver qué puedo hacer.

Ay, Jay, leave him alone. No, I'm sorry, but that cow has suffered long enough.

Ay, Manny! Did you put this spider in the fridge?

Ay, miren a la princesita. The little princess. [Haley] She's so cute!

Ay, no, silly. Coach. You think I'm made of money?

Ay, papi, but you're not warm.

Ay, papi, don't say that.

Ay, papi, what's wrong?

Ay, please, we've been through this at the check in. He's not the same Manny Delgado.

Ay, qué linda. Ay, qué linda.

Ay, yeah. The box is across the yard.

Ay, you're still sad because of that audition.

Ay, you're such a beautiful boy!

Ay. ¿Dónde está mi novio? Su camión está parqueado afuera.

Ay. But I'm gonna buy her some shoes first. Mmm.

Ay. But she has already six new dresses. What she needs is strappy shoes.

Ay. Don't be silly. We'll probably just stick around for a few minutes.

Ay. Great. Your dad coached football.

Ay. I think she's getting used to being away from you now that you have the new job.

Ay. I'm sorry, guys.

Ay. Okay.

Baby, are you sure that's a good idea? It's something I have to do.

Baby, I think you know the answer.

Balloons? They're attached to your car.

Bam! It's out there. Oh, for God's sake.

Barkley? He's hilarious.

Bass player, actually. And lead singer

Be careful. I stained some furniture out there this afternoon.

Be honest. Did you do that thing where you get frustrated...

Bear, giraffe, what have you the honeymoon they never had.

Beautiful morning, isn't it?

Beautiful. You can wear 'em tonight.

Because after you confess, Haley and I will each confess to the same thing.

Because guess which one she's gonna ask to walk her down the aisle.

Because his father's not afraid of anything.

Because I came out of the womb like this "Hello!"

Because I care about people.

Because I could identify every commie plane.

Because I have, uh, seen this little show before

Because I knew that I would be the one taking care of it.

Because I lost my temper, and it didn't work. Therefore, it's useless.

Because I thought it would be cute!

Because I want to help them change their lives.

Because I won't sell anything I don't believe in.

Because I'm an angel. Why are you so sweet?

Because if he does, you'll catch him...

Because if you had done what I asked you to do this morning,

Because it contains the details of a life, and you don't have one!

Because it didn't hit you that hard. Why don't you just say it?

Because it was ironic and she wasn't.

Because men are always so superior to woman?

Because of him, I have a house full of Latinos.

Because of you.

Because school dances are lame? No.

Because she's always so tired...

Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me.

Because that's how girls end up dead.

Because the florist played me for a fool.

Because there's an alien inside of me!

Because we love your brother. Good job, Luke.

Because we never had a wedding.

Because we're married.

Because what if Lily gets sick and there's a Tamiflu shortage?

Because when all is said and done,

Because you can't let 'em push you around...

Because you followed your heart, and that is worth celebrating.

Because you guys are just going to embarrass me again.

Because you had your own moments.

Because you love your brother.

Because you might wake up their baby."

Because you're impossible to buy for.

Because you're the worst liar. He would have seen right through you.

Because your mom doesn't think you can.

Because, buddy, we were making French fries.

Because...

Been trying all my life to get it right. I'm still screwing up.

Beep, boop, boop.

Beep, boop. Beep, boop, bop.

Before he finally acknowledged it.

Before walking into any room we're in...

Before you took that skank Sharon Nicolini to an Anne Hathaway movie.

Begins with a single pitch.

Being away from my Lily is literally torture.

Being romantic. God, you're solid.

Believe it or not, Jay, there are some things that I am better at than you are.

Believe me. [Chuckles]

Besides, Luke already is the best at something being my son.

Besides, this is so much cooler. This is how NASA does it.

Best news Claire knows nothing.

Best thing I ever did was quit a miserable job and start my own business.

Bet you're lovin' that steam shower. Phil, that's creepy.

Between Richard Miller and Martin Kemp. Oh, those guys.

Between the clownin' and the fishin',

Bianca Douglas called me three times tonight.

Bianca, I'm coming

Big day for you, huh? Why?

Big suite in Maui. Just the two of us.

Birthday's tomorrow, moron!

Blown a valve. Hey! Look who it is.

Boom. Lucky shot!

Bounce pass to Manny. But, Dad

Boys don't want their moms talking to 'em about sex...

Bras and girdles and all that stuff.

Bravo, Manny! Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Breasts are like these scary, mystical things...

Brenda Feldman.

Brian De Palma's controversial masterpiece Scarface.

Bring it on, big boy.

Brittany, hurry, honey. Phil's leaving.

Bubbling. Hurtful bubbling.

Buddy, what are you wearing?

Buddy. Why do you keep getting stuck like this?

Bueno, hasta luego, porque aquí ya llegó Jay. Adiós. [Phone Beeps]

Business partners. Mergers and acquisitions. [Chuckles]

But a lot of people think I'm a catch. No. The case.

But all of my patients are like family to me

But all this swimming and running and rowing

But apparently your body does a nesting, very maternal, primal thing...

But as much as we love our traditions,

But back to your mouth and how sexy it is.

But based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.

But But But what about forgiveness?

But do I have to love 'em in Hawaii?

But do you think I like being like this? No, I don't.

But don't get in anybody's car...

But first I need to get my white shirt, the silk one.

But for me, this was the year that the word "tradition"...

But give him a pair of wings,

But go to dinner with him and wait for the check to come.

But he never asked! I mean, all he said was,

But he was so great up there.

But I am telling him that every time he looks at porn, God kills a puppy.

But I can't find my pantalones."

But I can't forgive the lie. No.

But I cashed that in for something else.

But I don't know that Meryl Streep was the right choice.

But I don't think that a parent can just force that.

But I don't wanna hear you any more saying that Colombians are crazy,

But I guess, if I did, it would be you. [Chuckling]

But I just wanted to bring you these...

But I know that Manny's sad because he's missing the party.

But I live up here! Yeah, but you don't have to be so emotional all the time.

But I really am, Mitchell. What are you saying?

But I really want to go. Plus, every time I go over to Grandpa's,

But I really, really, really just want him to get a job...

But I still wanted to go to parties and be with boys.

But I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.

But I think I might have actually gotten even closer with my dad.

But I think once I learn all the songs

But I wanted to focus on raising a family.

But I was just waiting for her to be in the right mood.

But I will see you on Monday. Mm hmm.

But I worry about the ridicule he might get from some loudmouth bully.

But I'll tell you something.

But I'm just not sure how kid friendly it is, and we have two small children.

But I'm still gonna need you as my lawyer, Mitch.

But I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school.

But if you don't compete with this girl,

But in school, we learn raccoons are nocturnal. They sleep during the day.

But instead chose to work in environmental law until last month.

But is this really the way?

But isn't it worth it if you feel like you're living your life for the first time?

But it is your birthday. You don't want to sleep in? Come here.

But it's good for Manny to be with his father.

But it's kind of an important party, and I

But it's kind of cool to have a kid in your house who's the best at something.

But it's not gonna wash away the shame of that 15 7 beatdown.

But it's one of the things he loves most about me, and I can't tell him the truth now.

But it's true.

But Jenna Resnick swears she saw her breast feeding at a coin op car wash.

But just in and out. We still have a million things to do.

But let's be honest.

But look, in case anything happens [Groans, Exhales]

But Luke is my baby.

But made by Jay, which they love.

But maybe it's a good thing that he has the two of us.

But maybe.

But my father, we would talk...

But nobody gets off The Rock.

But not me.

But nothing compares with that sound right there. [Footsteps Approaching]

But now I have the perfect opportunity...

But now your eyebrows have grown back...

But of course, that meant finding a way to apologize...

But one day I'm gonna be a grandfather,

But seriously, he's still talking to her.

But she's drunk.

But she's just a kid. Who would serve her? We did, honey.

But some of us are worried that the yelling is getting counterproductive.

But some things are bigger than promises.

But someone used the iron to make grilled cheese.

But that doesn't make sense. How could a newborn baby carry all those presents?

But that just isn't me.

But that's all. [Laughs]

But that's science.

But that's the job. So either come in tomorrow or don't bother coming back again.

But that's the real reason Dad's old girlfriend's coming over.

But the important thing is you did stop looking. Yeah.

But the longer you hold on to it, the more the guilt builds,

But the one thing I never got to say was good bye."

But then there's our children.

But then to bully this young man it's unforgivable.

But there is a scenario where you could be the man of the house...

But there's a girl in my school, and I want her to like me.

But there's a girl in my school, and I want her to like me.

But there's a little thing called "taking the high road."

But there's something that feels even better.

But they can be totally real, right? Hmm.

But this is an important lesson that you're learning.

But this is for all those times that Mom told you she was right...

But this kid Durkas told her he wrote it.

But this makes it official, which is so great.

But this still can't happen. When did that break?

But to rub my nose in it!

But wait. Put a few seconds back on the clock.

But we have talked about getting a dog for years,