Modern Family (2009) - Season 8 Edit

A And these oil stains?

A bag of plastic guns.

A beagle from Coos Bay, Oregon, who, for one week, was mayor.

A boy is supposed to fear his father.

A caddy at the country club where I work

A camera to capture everyone's delight!

A certain will they, won't they kind of vibe.

A closet as beautiful as she is.

A closet doesn't get installed in this town

A confusing idea poorly executed.

A contract.

A couple of months.

A couple of weeks ago, I go to the grocery store...

A cutie named Gretchen took me up to her belfry

A day hasn't gone by that Frank hasn't made me laugh.

A day when you've been sipping champagne

A disease no kid should have to wrestle with.

A doctor for a wasp sting?

A doll's foot, I hope.

A fake man,

A farm to table dog bakery.

A few hours by the pool, massage,

A five minute lag time before you hit the road.

A free throw because of injury,

A gay kid is now bullying football players,

A gazebo...

A kid's supposed to learn this stuff from his dad...

A life that was now ending.

A little less distance.

A lot of questions for a cadaver!

A lot of them have known each other since kindergarten.

A man died, Claire.

A man, a man, a man. Where can we find one.

A man.

A once terrifying nose tackle pick croutons out of his salad.

A pet store. These are fun.

A photo of Lily shaking hands with the governor?!

A pinch of sugar,

A quarter acre of mixed use space

A remarkable name for a remarkable man.

A Rolls Royce.

A search and rescue collie looking for his owner,

A series of bells fed into an ingenious instrument

A shifty European, or a broad who's been around the block?

A spot of tea, sir?

A story should be short and simple.

A toast.

A very romantic movie last night.

A very strange Valentine's gift.

A vote with a moral stain on it,

A wise man once told me that we resent mirrors

A word?

Aah, I'm scared!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Are the parts okay?

Aah! Whoa! What is that?!

Aah! You can't be infected.

About a crooked sheriff, and I'm at the first

About a mom who's enthusiastic in the streets.

About a pair of genuine Houdini handcuffs

About bowling at a time like this?

About buying this minefield,

About college girl meltdowns.

About George R.R. Martin's masterwork.

About how life used to be in Youngstown.

About me not liking your birthday presents.

About somebody other than yourself!

About something for over an hour.

About the the Russian renters?

About whatever our wants and needs are.

About your estate planning.

About your first expo.

About, you know... paint.

Actually, and it's kind of embarrassing,

Actually, Cam, could I talk to you for a second?

Actually, Cam, this is very peaceful.

Actually, i it's my fault.

Actually, I think you're overreacting a little.

Actually, I was looking forward to it.

Actually, I'm really looking forward to being married.

Actually, my car's blocking your car.

Actually, she hit me with her car

Actually, we just checked in for our flight online.

Actually, you know what?

Admission has gotten tougher.

After a performance of my improv group, "Rule of Three."

After all, what's a gazebo but...

After contact with the tainted wood.

After drinking his own urine for a week,

After it's survived earthquakes and wars

After my divorce,

After the repair guy tried to rip me off.

After they capped my salary.

After we get back from your dad's.

Again?!

Ah Oh, God.

Ah, good, 'cause I have a tee time.

Ah, gotta take this.

Ah, hell, I'm gonna regret this.

Ah, hinge specialist. You might've seen him around.

Ah, I guess it never gets easier.

Ah, I guess it's possible

Ah, I think I'll hang onto this. This is a special gift.

Ah, it's after ten o'clock...

Ah, Mr. Pritchett I presume.

Ah, well, it's... it's from the principal's office.

Ah, what a beautiful day.

Ah, what's this?

Ah, yeah. Rainer has work, anyways.

Ah, yes, sir?

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! How?!

Ah! Yes!

Ah? You're a you're a

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. I'll tell Dean Hinden you're here.

Ah. Oh, okay. So...

Ah... no. No.

Ahh, breakfast lasagna!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ohh.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Alex and I are just here to raid your guys' closet

Alex freaking out about school, this is like a big déjà vu.

Alex is just gonna keep coming back to taunt us

Alex, how many goats have to die

Alex, I'm asking!

Alex?

Alex? Honey, it's Mom and Dad.

Alexa wanted to use the hot tub tonight,

All day long I've been trying to get Joe to fear me.

All for one!

All I can see is

All I said was "Hey, Cam."

All my ex husbands were accomplished, serious men,

All NBA players use cold water immersion therapy.

All of our old school projects...

All of that went right out the window.

All of them.

All of you will know how to make herb roasted chicken!

All right, Ben. What is it?

All right, come on.

All right, everybody relax.

All right, everyone, get ready to tell me

All right, gather your things. We're gonna need to scramble

All right, get in here.

All right, girl, how was the office party?

All right, guys tie game, three seconds left.

All right, hand it over. What?

All right, it's time to fry this turkey.

All right, Joe. Fire it in here, buddy.

All right, let's win this thing.

All right, look at this, Cam.

All right, look.

All right, now, boys,

All right, now! Grow up!

All right, Phil. You got this, man.

All right, see you guys later tonight. Uh huh.

All right, shall we?

All right, so who is it?

All right, take that.

All right, that's enough. Stop.

All right, that's it!

All right, the next step is very important.

All right, then, uh, case closed.

All right, we need to get some pillows up underneath her hips

All right, we'll deal with the Russians first,

All right, well, apparently, the fire went out and I didn't notice,

All right, well, she ordered a powdered doughnut, so...

All right, well, we recalled all the bad wood,

All right, when you're done here,

All right, yeah, what the hell.

All right, you are about to get an important lesson

All right, you old bags,

All right!

All right? No more games.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. First, we just have to dislodge the nest.

All right. Ground chicken beak.

All right. Now, what did you want to talk about?

All right. Take it easy.

All right. We'll find it. I'll take you.

All right. Wendy, let's get you in that minivan

All right. Whenever you're ready.

All right. Your turn.

All righty, here we go.

All the execs are flying coach.

All the locations of closets

All the riveting you did during the war.

All the way to the wedding, are you?

All we have to do is

All you've done arranging my party, but, you know,

Almost punitive. They are monsters.

Along with some regular cocktails, am I right?

Already ate. Go to the movies?

Also gets to say the what.

Also valid.

Also, a water main,

Also, don't touch this.

Also, say "fan belt" as often as you...

Also, while I may not be wearing...

Also, you you can lose the makeup

Although I did try that with Gloria,

Although Mitchell was just saying...

Although, I do love the diversity of a public school.

Although, Michigan did use that exact term.

Although, some people are saying it's too little too late,

Always has a super complicated drink order.

Always remember that.

Am I really ready to see gunk coming out of his ear?

Am I so incapable of spending a night alone

Am I the only one unsettled

Am I the only one who sees me

Amazing. Phil fainted.

Amen, sister.

An apology.

An exotic beauty of the Orient... into the yard.

Ana, say hello to, uh...

And "A Dogg" means Alex, then yes.

And a very long outdoor staircase.

And all the gays that came before you.

And all the lug nuts are snug,

And all they think of me is that I'm a pushover

And also the star of my first, um...

And antique sailing maps.

And ants are walking in circles.

And apparently on dates.

And as Hodor blocked the door to save his friend Bran Stark,

And ask about our bird baths.

And be home faster than the ink dries

And besides... I know that cry,

And brought to you by Ford. We go further, so you can.

And builds a fire in your fireplace.

And by then I'll have switched doctors.

And Cam is basically a mom who played college football.

And came to the rally...

And can anybody account for your whereabouts?

And Clive, passionate collector of beautiful women

And Closets, Closets, Closets, Closets bought a bunch of it.

And could've blown me up.

And DeAndre Jordan and Charles Barkley are here.

And didn't measure the door?

And didn't we agree that you never wear that sweater again?

And doesn't ride a scooter,

And drink some, um, beers.

And drove back with a blinding migraine.

And eat crumpets while we're on our way.

And eating all of his food.

And embarrassed. We have that dinner at Jay's tonight.

And eventually they watch so much TV they figure it out.

And every step, from birth till the end,

And finally, "Hodor," the only word he would say

And finally, employees should have a say in the shift schedule.

And finally, put on your neckties, gentlemen,

And flesh out your antagonist.

And flip that mattress.

And for some reason, giant pockets of methane.

And for that, we're sorry.

And for the record, his daughter is kind of a monster.

And for the record, I don't want her to be like me, either.

And for the record...

And force us to look at the worst in ourselves.

And forced me to lie to my daughter.

And full frontal nudity.

And General Tsour over there.

And get that finger out of my face.

And get the money for the instruments up front.

And getting an ankle full of scorpion.

And go right into middle school next year.

And got too drunk to drive home!

And great and awful and I don't know what to do.

And guess who she was curled up with on her bed?

And Haley.

And have a proper viewing party.

And he gets picked on a lot at school.

And he into you, girl.

And he looks exactly like Sully.

And he never, ever gets grumpy.

And he said that that was part of it,

And he said, "Maybe we're not actually meant to be."

And he teaches Manny how to be a dog!

And he was gonna spend Thanksgiving alone.

And he's actually pretty sweet and harmless.

And he's gone.

And her deadbeat boyfriend and our savings are drained,

And here is your Valentine's gift.

And his ex prostitute getaway driver?

And his nose does this little wiggly thing when he sleeps.

And hit you back with an answer.

And home to your diabetic cat.

And how everyone takes their own path.

And how important Lily was to you.

And how's my daughter gonna feel about us getting married?

And hugs him 'cause he hasn't seen him in 20 years?

And I and I have made a decision.

And I am excellent at delivering bad news with a smile.

And I am gonna let it soak into my head.

And I am holding a little piglet.

And I am so, so sorry.

And I can still see our chimney from here.

And I can tell people how I feel about you.

And I can't have you getting him sick.

And I couldn't live without it.

And I couldn't pay to remove it

And I decided to keep it simple and roast a pig.

And I don't know why.

And I don't like to drink alone.

And I don't want any loose ends.

And I dreamed of building something magnificent.

And I even used the perfume he gave me in fifth grade,

And I feel bad about that. Me, too.

And I got a good feeling about this one.

And I guess I've just never thought of you in that way.

And I had replaced it with a real one.

And I have a fun costume idea for you.

And I have a lot of fillings.

And I have never loved anyone as much as you.

And I I felt a lot of him.

And I just instinctively know their size.

And I just want to be as up front as I can.

And I know I had a momentary freak out there,

And I know it's your favorite, so I brought you some.

And I know this is sudden,

And I may have taken it out

And I must have dropped my clip on the roof.

And I need that rage. It gets me up in the morning.

And I permanently damaged my collagen.

And I really don't want her hitting Mom's weight set.

And I sleep with a body pillow that I put a nightgown on.

And I spent two weeks underground

And I still can't get over it.

And I think daddy meant for you to clean your room.

And I think it's worth reconsidering.

And I think we nailed it.

And I think, "Mmm, I'm gonna treat myself

And I thought "Write a new story, Dede."

And I thought, "You know who'd love some prime rib?

And I used the rest of the money on shoes.

And I want to be able to show him

And I want to say... a spaceship?

And I wanted to take a special someone.

And I was shocked to see what I have become.

And I will be right here beside you.

And I will literally frame you for murder.

And I will move the paper underneath.

And I work out like once a year.

And I would not have survived

And I would wait and then,

And I... I thought that I would...

And I'd love to have dinner with him again.

And I'll have a glass of the Merryvale Cab.

And I'll keep Mitch distracted.

And I'll raise Lily by myself,

And I'm a little jittery, so I was hoping you guys

And I'm here, too Luke Dunphy.

And I'm just trying to make you happy

And I'm labeling each part as I take it out.

And I'm like, "Who you foolin', girl? You a 10."

And I'm sorry for calling your lovemaking mechanical.

And I'm sticking with her as long as it takes.

And I'm sweating like a mob rat in Little Italy.

And I'm with her 100%.

And if he was a patriarch, he was a fake old man,

And if they find out, then they'll just know

And if this guy is fun and good to you

And if you really want to give me some confidence,

And inaccurate slam on pigs,

And instead of talking about it,

And is doing so great while I'm alone

And is it safe to post your location like that?

And is waiting for us at the resort.

And it ain't gonna change a thing.

And it aligns with Orion.

And it didn't go well.

And it exacerbated your neurotic tendencies,

And it is for a party tonight.

And it is not worth this.

And it is... it is the same shade

And it might have something to do with turning 45,

And it says, "Cam and get it!"

And it turns out he is not a member

And it turns out she's dating someone.

And it was the most satisfying thing I've ever done.

And it would have given you exactly enough time

And it's gonna be a giant success

And it's not gonna until you start treating this man like your equal.

And it's not that I don't want to do it, 'cause I do.

And it's only till Monday, when I can return it.

And just a head's up, you both are turning into your mother.

And just so you know, the feeling is mutual.

And just the right amount of savoir faire.

And keep driving until the toilets flush

And keep myself away from Williams Sonoma.

And lecture me about being irresponsible,

And left nothing to chance.

And loud '80s music.

And made the goat kill itself.

And make his mark

And make up for the time I haven't spent with them.

And manscape this.

And maybe somebody wouldn't be trying

And move to Colombia and become a radiologist.

And my ankle is broken.

And my fave Metallica.

And my friend didn't even give me a picture.

And my new German boyfriend, Werner, is out of town,

And my vision is tunneling, so...

And neither did the other schools.

And never once did I need fancy medicine.

And nice assist, Ray.

And no more giving underwear to little girls, or anyone else,

And no one caught this adorable moment?

And no sense of smell.

And nobody tells me where...

And not confused about what a mirror is.

And not do his "I've got rabies" gag?

And not just Haley and Luke.

And not show it to everyone.

And not Tony from the warehouse?

And now for the finishing touch.

And now Haley's not answering my calls

And now he's coming here?!

And now I'm gonna look as stupid as a girl

And now it's actually happening.

And now it's all happening.

And now suddenly we're talking about 50, which is basically 60.

And now that I hear it, it's pretty close,

And now they won't leave.

And now they're out in the world having their own lives.

And now this pig is as cold as your family is gonna be

And now you can't even make a tiny, little decision

And off I'd go.

And offer me a ride home.

And old men die.

And on the first day, I, uh...

And one pretty well known playwright.

And our final order of business is our entry

And pay off the majority of the loan by tomorrow.

And Phil don't seem to have a problem with it.

And pick weeds.

And played by Kathy Griffin.

And plus, he walks in here, I lose it,

And plus, I can e mail it to myself

And Postmates for when we eat in.

And pulling out my after dinner bra?

And put it back in a safer fashion.

And put it...

And record and...

And right in the middle of Sam Cooke singing "You Send Me,"

And scare up one last signature for my cigar petition. Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

And service gazebos and sheds.

And setting a good example

And share the bottle of wine.

And she doesn't want him to know she has kids,

And she kisses you almost on the lips.

And she was too scared to get on this one ride.

And she will never step foot in another farm or circus.

And she'd be none the wiser.

And she's not my girlfriend.

And showed me some moves,

And since then, we've made it a tradition

And since you didn't ask, the green pins

And so we made a little list of the six things

And somebody else is changing that diaper.

And somebody wouldn't have had to shut himself down.

And somehow I'm supposed to smile through a weather report

And something to wash it down.

And Stella keeps getting out in the street.

And sudden suddenly he shows up and

And suddenly I'm the problem.

And suddenly I'm this pig tailed little girl in Mary Janes

And TaskRabbit for stuff around the house.

And tell me I look like Ernest Borgnine.

And tell you to skip that part.

And thanks to Haley,

And that hurts.

And that I wasn't alone.

And that is how you do that.

And that is it. You guys are all set.

And that means the Coast Guard

And that was a ring box.

And that was very rude.

And that's his wife who's evolved enough

And that's not all he is.

And that's probably why we're able to be our old selves today.

And that's what we call an assist.

And that's why those cowboys laughed at you

And the best advice that guy could give you is,

And the government wants to tell me what I can do with my body.

And the half eaten chocolates getting hurled at the wall.

And the kitchen that I usually use was booked,

And the lunchroom gravy fire of '64!

And the men paired off in violent fighting.

And the next thing you know, we're supporting her

And the one where the guy comes over

And the question stands.

And the rules are very clear.

And the stuff they you use to cover the Blue Man Group?

And the tunnel to my best friend's house.

And the warehouse guys put their mouth all over it.

And the words, "Is this her?"

And then And then you

And then embark on a massive identity theft scheme

And then gets a smoothie.

And then he asked me to c

And then I am going to get busy.

And then I gave him the ultimatum,

And then I sent you the cutest video

And then I'd get several credit cards in your name

And then if you get in a real jam,

And then it just felt forced.

And then Jay!

And then just lacerating them.

And then secretly giving them to me?

And then she tries hide it?

And then surviving there,

And then tell her off if she says yes.

And then the moment passed and time went by

And then this happens.

And then we have to sell the house!

And then went to the bathroom.

And then when the tow truck guy

And then you and your mom came along, and...

And then you do the the boop, boop.

And then you'd bleed to death

And then, he suddenly disappeared.

And then, like a dingdong, I left it there, so...

And there are literally no spoilers.

And there in the middle of all the action,

And there was a mix up with the vials.

And these are my beauties, Betty and Janice.

And they deserve to be smoked in a fine leather chair,

And they're all yours if you can complete this lyric...

And they're live streaming it,

And they're penalized if they stay home.

And this is a constant reminder

And this is throwing you for a loop... I get it.

And this is what I've been talking about...

And this one is basically a cardboard cutout

And this place is a mess.

And this whole place smells like Cup O' Noodles.

And those hopped up psychos would rip your heads off!

And threw water at them to see if they screamed.

And Tina's turned into a bit of a slut.

And to be farther from Ray.

And told me to take it off so it didn't get dirty.

And tonight we're going to celebrate.

And took his name off my petition.

And touch my feet and tell me it was gonna be okay

And trusting your instincts?

And try and keep them apart as much as possible?

And try to straighten her out.

And trying to look older than they are.

And turn around...

And turn it into something so ugly?

And use up our tissues!

And wants to get you in a good mood.

And Washio and ParkMe

And watch one of the thousands of movies we missed

And watch them just to see the expression on their faces...

And we also really do have a reservation

And we are so proud...

And we begin.

And we finally ran out of excuses.

And we have to catch him before I go to bed tonight.

And we start with Act 1,

And we will need to head back to the gate.

And we will.

And we're looking to expand our campus.

And we're prepared to offer you

And we're proud of you because you used your words.

And we're very proud

And we've got to find it before my dad does.

And wear this with pride.

And weaseled your way to a promotion.

And what do you text back?

And what is happening?

And what's that over there?

And what's this about my dad?

And when he didn't answer back, I always just figured,

And when was the last time you saw him

And when you look into their eyes,

And where were they when we were growing up?

And while they're distracted, we will swap out the pigs,

And who is this?

And why did you get me a triple XL?

And will address this post haste.

And will do anything we need to do to help you.

And with you here, they can get away with anything.

And wonder why he's got that stupid smile on his face.

And would result in fewer missed days.

And wrap it up.

And yelling "Pervert!" before shoving him

And yet they care enough to terrorize him?

And you and I are gonna have our first scotch.

And you are going in for another bite?!

And you are not ruining it.

And you can just push him around.

And you can walk with your broken ankle?

And you get to be here for the moment of truth.

And you haven't called me "missy", so let's keep going.

And you just want everyone else to feel as bad as you do.

And you kiss the same and...

And you know how excited I get about a deduction.

And you know what's worse?

And you know, I don't get a lot of offers,

And you look great, too.

And you look like you trying to get out of a tough spot.

And you missed Kristi Yamaguchi doing a triple twist lift

And you pass it on down the line

And you thanked me afterwards

And you thought about the build a little bit.

And you two.

And you were right...

And you were watching, you horny toad?

And you won't even allow me 30 seconds

And you're 14. You're not Ubering anywhere.

And you're coming with me to gate 3232.

And you're fine with that?

And you're helping the parents.

And you're making a real difference in their lives.

And you're not coming to this stupid party.

And you're not not being needy.

And you're on board with this?

And you're right, and I'm gonna talk to him.

And you're, like, the expert.

And you've been thinking about this project for a long time.

And your estate planning is done.

And your fever's gone.

And your friends get you super wasted

And your mom's on the other.

And your mother's not unromantic.

And your taste buds will surrender like the French.

And, Mitchell, you're gonna start right here

And, uh... and Lorraine's cool with all this?

And, with any luck at all, facing criminal charges.

And, you know, get back to our list.

And?

And... and the card says, "For Mitch stuff."

And... and try and have an honest conversation with your father?

And... bam!

Angels have always been cool,

Animals don't attack people for no reason.

Animals!

Another proud moment for the struggle.

Any chance you served an Ana?

Any of youse goes stool pigeon on me,

Any suspicious activity on that phone bill?

Any time, buddy.

Anybody else bring a shovel?

Anybody have a hankering for a hush puppy?

Anyhoo, today is my comeback meal,

Anything a grown man named Bobby says.

Anything else? Yes.

Anything I say can and will be used against me.

Anything left behind...

Anyway, I just wanted to pick

Anyway, I'll have a glass of any of the reds.

Anyway, it's just more and more of your life

Anyway, our building is two doors down,

Anyway, somehow, she's convinced herself

Anyway, when it's over,

Anyways, I'm Haley, your dad's, uh

Anywhere anytime soon.

Apology accepted,

Apparently they have a thing like how you and your sister

Apparently, syphilis is making a comeback.

Apparently, you don't need a reason to leave your family.

April, tone.

Are all the addresses of potential fathers of mine.

Are her parents even home?

Are just overly excited, love starved old ladies.

Are the treasure trove of information

Are they just gonna fly out of my head?

Are they... Gone.

Are we in trouble?

Are we sure this is the best way to do this?

Are you asking me not to talk to people?

Are you gonna do the whole accent thing?

Are you gonna want to have children?

Are you just gonna avoid them?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding?

Are you leaving?

Are you looking at me? Are you looking at me?

Are you mansplaining

Are you stuck up there?

Are you sure it's not for Lily Rosen?

Are you sure we need that much ice, buddy?

Are you sure, sweetie? Because it's a lot of pressure.

Are you sure?

Are you sure?

Are you telling me that I have been giving my family...

Are you the proprietor of this haberdashery?

Are you trying to look gay?

Are you trying to make me fail?!

Are you, Ben? Are you harmless?

Are...

Aren't you worried about stalkers?

Around until it burst open like a pill packed piñata.

As a matter of fact, I am.

As a matter of fact, you're gonna be seeing a lot more of me.

As a woman?

As children, the Wright Brothers dreamed of flying machines.

As her uncles, we need all the information we can

As I guess you heard, I had no reason to be worried.

As I say in the foreword of my third book, "Who Can't Cook?,"

As long as we're being real,

As much as I admire that and do intend on using it

As part of an isolation study.

As some sort of game where everyone's trying

As soon as this thing goes off,

As the lipstick on your beer.

As to where you were 20 minutes ago,

As you can fit in the car.

As you can see, I've got a lot of work to do, so...

As you're carrying around that thing.

As your performance in

Ashamed of the romantic, sexual part of you.

Ask anyone who was raised on Alan Alda.

Asked if I was trying to look gay.

Asking Cam to go away alone

Asking him so many questions about, you know,

At a truck stop and dressing up like Tom Sawyer.

At an electronics convention.

At Cal Tech, and now I sketch leaves

At least 15 minutes.

At least I have a boyfriend.

At least the ring came off.

At least the termites weren't my fault.

At least we can mark the exact time it happened to us,