Uncle Buck (2016) - Season 1 Edit

A A A lot of leads, a lot of contacts.

Aah!

About your little filthy photography project.

Actually, not the worst.

Ah...

Alexis, you got to stop doing this.

Alexis: Man, this is so much fun.

Alexis: Thank you so much.

All I heard was booty.

All over the Internet.

Alone, and eating fried bologna sandwiches.

And doing a lot of learning stuff

And don't say no till I've told you what it is

And he is enjoying the booty that my daddy created.

And I don't care.

And I don't want him tutoring you into an early pregnancy.

And I got some scratch offs that I feel real confident about.

And I got this big ass beer pyramid to prove it!

And I got to meet with this client.

And I just wanted to

And I really need to get home.

And I'm being torn in two different directions, and...

And I'm sorry I've been such a jerk.

And I'm trying to study.

And if we had been real terrorists,

And if you want to stay, you can.

And listen to me? It's kind of important.

And now Miles and Maizy are acting out,

And now when a cool guy likes me,

And our girl is becoming more at risk every day.

And our straight A student is turning into Black Amanda Bynes.

And since you're selling them to a nursing home, ha... who cares?

And that has got to be the beautiful, um...

And the new king of the beer can pyramids!

And then there's meth head tasking.

And wasn't he the guy that drew a penis

And we got about five hours before they get back.

And we're difficult people.

And with Jackie kicking me out of the house,

And yelling is not gonna help.

And you took care of Maizy and me.

And you're ironing.

And you're working?

And your mother going back to work.

And, uh, we're... we're... we're eating vegetables

And... and praying, too.

Any chance you're free?

Anyway, remember those

Are we really gonna drive?

Are you gonna tell my parents?

Are you saying you're incapable of providing us with food?

Are you serious?

Are you the police?

At least trying.

Aw. [Laughs]

Away from my friends.

Baby, we haven't played the nickname game in forever.

Baby, why didn't you go home?

Baby, you're supposed to be

Because Buck's got it.

Because we need to see how this goes.

Before I buy these TVs, tell me why they're so cheap

Besides, Buck has changed.

Boy, you done growed up.

Bravo.

Buck is on the job.

Buck is on the job.

Buck: How you doing?

Buck: How you doing?

Buck: Looky here, looky...

Buck: Traffic on the weekend.

Buck's got a good heart.

But go ahead, call the kids... You've earned it.

But hurry up.

But I appreciate it.

But I'm gonna need those Buck negotiating skills

But it does get better.

But let's see how he handles breakfast.

But there's two quick things before I go.

But we're not fans of Jordan.

But with the move and my new job,

But you've got to let it work.

But, ha, after tonight,

Bye, Uncle Buck.

Cake!

Can he live with us and be our manny?

Can I get your keys?

Can you guys keep it down?! We're trying to study.

Can you stop that tippity tappity for a moment

Can't a man enjoy his breakfast cake?

Cash is on the counter.

Come back here, Tia.

Come on, it will be fun... like a getaway.

Come on!

Come on. She's barely Black Selena Gomez.

Come on. You know where the door is.

Come on. You're blowing it, dude.

Come to think of it, I would love to get away.

Damn, this is a big ass party.

Dang, why you sitting there being such a...

Did you just poke me with that stick?

Do it yourself.

Don't move too many things around,

Don't none of y'all wear diapers, do you?

Don't worry.

Don't you uh huh me, now.

Eggs, flour, frosting.

Everybody, quiet. It's my fiancée.

Except for that part

Family emergency.

Finally alone.

Fine, but that was hardly yelling.

First you move me from Atlanta to Chicago,

First, you gonna leave my little niece alone.

Fix it.

Funny story.

Get a handle on a few things before I leave.

Get away from there!

Get the damn check.

Getting ready to go to the airport,

Give her level five.

Give it up for Buck Russell!

Give me a minute.

Give me my phone or I'll tell my parents

Give the Spanx King my love.

Giving myself the gift of stillness.

Giving myself the gift of stillness.

Good morning, sunshine.

Good work, Hawkeye.

GPS: Take the I 90 East and proceed 400 miles.

Hail to the King!

He did good with the interview.

He did okay.

He poisoned our dog with chocolate.

He wasn't in a war.

He would never let anything happen to the kids.

He's a senior, and he's a bit of a player.

He's actually nice. I've been tutoring him.

He's got a fiancée and a job.

He's homeless now...

He's really got his act together.

Hell, I didn't have no choice.

Hello, Cyrus.

Here's the thing... Buck's our only option.

Hey, boo.

Hey, Mr. Russell.

Hey, Tia, I need you to watch...

Hey, Uncle Buck, look at me!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey! Look who's home!

Hey.

Hold on

Honey, I think this is mother daughter territory,

How about me in a fun sweater?

How was he, anyway?

Huh.

I also left you some cash.

I am in this house.

I appreciate the thought, baby girl,

I bet that's Jordan, and she is not supposed to see him.

I can't believe this!

I can't see nothing.

I can't stay here!

I can't. I'm grounded

I can't... I got the kids.

I don't know, man.

I don't like kids. Their little hands freak me out.

I don't need your cash. I'm good. Y'all family.

I don't want to work at no Spanx store!

I don't work for y'all.

I got a screwdriver.

I got a sock full of quarters out there in the car,

I got one.

I got to find Tia and get them back home. Come on. Let's go.

I got to make some life choices around here.

I got you.

I It's going real good, yeah.

I just came here to tell you that we're done.

I kind of was an awesome guy.

I knew I smelled fabric softener.

I know, 'cause there's no line this way.

I know, but I want to talk to you woman to woman.

I know, it's crazy.

I learned more in the toilet than I did in school

I mean, things are a little out of control around here,

I mean, you know what? It's fine.

I need to be home. Tia basically hates me right now.

I need to get inside.

I promise it's just for me.

I run a non profit that mentors at risk girls,

I see her... upstairs!

I see little Pepper's still mad at me.

I should know. I started over a thousand times.

I think they'd love that.

I thought he was commenting on my design.

I took this job, moved us up here, upset everyone's lives,

I was there, and I was showing Mr. Tagahashi

I'll ask the questions here.

I'll be right back.

I'll come get you.

I'll get the big one to watch the little ones.

I'll visit soon.

I'm a free spirit.

I'm a grown man, and I can't cook, either.

I'm a little parched.

I'm just gonna cancel my speech.

I'm just trying to be a responsible uncle, man.

I'm part hawk, part eagle. I'm a heagle.

I'm the king of not thinking things through.

I'm the king.

I'm the Michael Clayton of architects.

I'm Tia's uncle, Buck.

I'm trying to listen to you, but it's hard to focus,

I've proven that I'm not babysitter material.

If we can't figure out how to let someone else help us,

In the condo that my daddy bought

Inchworm.

It better be somebody dead up there!

It is men's shapewear [bleep]

It was a breeze, brother.

It's almost morning, kids.

It's gonna be bangin'

It's good for you kids to see the real world.

It's not Spanx, it's men's shapewear

It's not that far, Will.

It's your Uncle Buck.

Jackie, I was just fittin' to call you.

Jackie: How's the job search going?

Jordan: Come on, I sent you a pic without my shirt.

Just be there, Buck.

Just calling to check on the kids.

Just relax.

Let me call you back. Bye. What's wrong with you?

Let The Fixer...

Let's eat the pancakes!

Let's stop this little charade.

Lightly damaged flat screen TVs we bought?

Like level two.

Like that guy who was peeing in the fountain at the mall.

Like the Chucky doll. [Shudders]

Like you don't understand how that unravels my world!

Listen, my parents are in Europe, and I'm throwing a party.

Listen, nerd, every one of those girls

Listen, there's a lot to go over.

Look, Buck, please, you need to listen to me.

Look, I don't know what you did with those kids,

Look, I got to go.

Look, I know it's all hard to move back

Look, this isn't even about Tia or Buck. This is about us.

Look! You need to grow your ass up.

Maizy.

Man, why'd you bring the kids?!

Man: Someone's in here

May I remind The Heagle that he is living with me

Maybe I can do this.

Miles, Maizy, stop shooting Irena!

Miles.

Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm! Damn, you stiff.

Mom, a prostitute taught me to twerk!

Mommy, stop!

My babies!

My big takeaway is that these teenage girls

My friends, dreams do come true.

My queen!

Need a lift, girl?

Need anything else fixed?

No more CNN for you.

No one is talking to you.

No, I got to go.

No, I'm just kidding.

No, no, no!

No! You need to be at that fundraiser,

No. We both had a complicated weekend

Nobody calls me nerd

Not re folding towels that Irena already folded.

Nothing. I've just missed you,

Now I know why clowns are evil.

Now it's your turn

Now, go upstairs. You're both grounded.

Now, I got something for you.

Now, that's pissing me off.

Now, there is a solution we haven't talked about.

Now, this is how this is gonna work.

Of course she does. She's 16. You're her mother.

Of course. Buck is always all right.

Oh

Oh, and so you brought them to a bar?

Oh, car's here.

Oh, come on.

Oh, hello, Jackie.

Oh, honey, don't worry.

Oh, I just seen her outside, talking to a guy named Jordan.

Oh, I'm letting you know that...

Oh, Irena, at least stay until the end of the weekend.

Oh, it done got a little too real.

Oh, real good.

Oh, so you're not at the bar building a pyramid of beer cans?

Oh, such a great speech, Alexis.

Oh, that was harsh, but accurate.

Oh, Will! Hey, Will, what's up?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got stuff to do.

Oh, you're grounded, too. Go to your room.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Okay

Okay, Fixer, fix that.

Okay, let's see what we got.

Okay, well, get on out of here.

Okay, well, it's not for me, Jackie, okay?

Okay.

Old people don't care that Judge Judy is red.

On it. You don't disrespect your mother that way.

On your friend Gary's forehead?

One that isn't in the robotics club,

One, I'd really like to see the kids more.

Ooh, damn, brother!

Ooh!

Or I'm gonna Instagram your little ding dong

Or taken hostage

Pancake fire, and this thing's empty!

Peace out...

Pepper's got a point.

Really need at least one parent at home.

Right, Buck?

Saving you.

Second, you gonna delete all them little girls' photos

See, I left my kids with a degenerate grifter,

See, I'm a working mom,

Seriously, guys, I can't focus.

Shall we go upstairs?

She don't know. Black ops.

She seems fun.

Should I get us some drinks?

Sir, you came in the wrong way.

Six hours in that tiny car.

So I decided to come spend some quality time with you.

So if he wants that to continue,

So it was a good weekend?

So listen to me. This is what you're gonna do.

So you go your way, and I'll go mine.

So, should we go over your speech another time?

Somebody named Jackie keeps calling you,

Starting over sucks.

Sweetie, remember, before you go in there,

Take away all the mistakes I made tonight,

Terrorists!

Text me the address to the new house

Thanks again, big bro. You are a life saver.

Thanks for writing my essay.

Thanks, Cy. [Laughs]

That woman's a B I C T H.

That's a highly specific accusation.

That's a thousand and one times.

That's for me!

That's it.

That's my niece you talking about.

That's probably wise.

That's retired Danny Glover and that's Reynaldo de la Cruz,

That's retired Danny Glover and that's Reynaldo de la Cruz,

That's why I hired this housekeeper to help you.

That's your mom! Hello?

The Harrisons can't watch the kids.

The kids are all right.

The kids barely know your brother.

The last time we saw Buck,

The only color you're gonna see is red.

The other two was poking my ass with a stick.

The plans for his new home when all hell broke loose.

The testing begins. Wake him up.

The world is grounded!

Then he better show up tonight.

There are cameras everywhere.

There was an earlier fire.

There's a binder in the kitchen that has everything you need.

There's a blockage in your bathroom.

There's a problem with a design, I fix it.

There's multitasking

These kids about to kill me.

They have doughnuts

They just want noise.

They'll never go for it.

They're on a juice cleanse in Santa Fe.

This has to be the last time.

This hotel has 500 bedrooms right above us.

This is all my fault. What was I thinking?

This is an expensive sweater, dude.

This is nice.

This negotiation is over!

This one took her top off

This place is awesome.

This place is disgusting.

This sucks!

This would be my famous hunch punch.

Those are three good points.

Tia, your Uncle Buck is here.

Tia: Pancake fire!

Tia: What are you doing?! Stop it!

Tijuana's number one weather man.

Titi, we're not mad at you.

To be... Uh, that's, uh, um...

To seal the deal.

To see if she's worthy of taking care of us.

Too loud

Turns out he ate some rotten blowfish.

Tutoring means something completely different to Jordan,

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh, we're doing real good.

Uncle Buck got dumped.

Uncle Buck, there's a drawing of a naked lady in the bathroom.

Uncle Buck's got to get back to his life.

Uncle Buck's leaving?

Up periscope!

Voilà!

Wait a minute.

Wait! [Tires screech]

Watch the kids?

Watch your language.

We actually had to take your pictures down.

We can make five grand each.

We can make five grand each.

We can spell.

We can't cook.

We going off road!

We got a real problem.

We want breakfast.

We were testing her

We... We're doing a lot of healthy activities,

We'd all be dead by now.

We'll miss you!

We're all booked.

We're just kids.

We're not getting less busy any time soon.

We're trying to break the biggest pancake record.

Well, I could try to move a few things around, you know.

Well, I seen you moving in, it put me right back in war

Well, I'll be straight up with you.

Well, I've got a buyer.

Well, if you want to escape, hit me up.

Well, it's time to get out of here. Where's Tia?

Well, you'll love to have me here. I'm lots of fun.

What are you guys doing?!

What are you up to right now?

What if I was that guy?

What is that?!

What is that?!

What the hell is this?!

What the hell was that boy doing in your room?

What were you two thinking?

What?

What'd you do to him?

What's happening here?

What's the second thing?

What's up, Mr. and Mrs. Russell?

Where'd you get that idea?

Where's Miles?

Which means that you are broke and homeless.

Who gives a kid cocaine? He has a tiny heart!

Who the hell are you?

Who want to do some dangerous driving?

Who's we?

Whoo!

Why are you not in Toronto?

Why aren't you getting out of the car, Buck?

Will and I are both going out of town.

Will will be in Toronto. I will be in Minneapolis.

Will: Buck, Buck, we need someone to watch the kids this weekend.

Would love to be in your position, okay?

Wow!

Y'all want some of that juice?

Yeah

Yeah, and I'll tell your parents

Yeah, but if Mom and Dad beat us home,

Yeah, it got everything kids need.

Yeah, it got everything kids need.

Yeah, l l like find a job and a place to live.

Yeah, nobody messes with my family.

Yeah, she's got a long memory.

Yeah, that's... that's what I was about to say.

Yeah, there is.

Yeah, you can spell that again.

Yeah, you just said that real casually

Yeah! I'm coming for you, Tia!

Yeah. Someone to watch the kids this weekend.

Yep.

Yep. It's my dream house.

Yes!

Yes.

You brought us to filthy Cheers.

You can do this. You just need to apply yourself.

You can leave, it's over, raise up

You decide to ruin it in the five minutes you're actually here.

You designed this yourself?

You did good tonight.

You didn't call home or work. Proud of you.

You didn't totally blow it.

You gonna be all right?

You gonna give me a chance?

You gonna give me some respect around here!

You have a nice day, Heagle.

You know my nickname at work, right?

You know what else we haven't done in forever?

You know, basic survival stuff.

You like a getaway, right?

You need to let me fly.

You need to study that, little man.

You said you were gonna look for a job, Buck.

You should come live at our house and take care of us.

You should come.

You want to see the knife I took off Saddam Hussein?

You were there for me.

You weren't. But I get it.

You're crushing me with your love.

You're insane.

You're insane.

You're like a little lawyer, aren't you?

You're my uncle in title only,

You're natural enemies, like the cobra and the bat.

Your children are...

Your parents are gonna beat us home.

Your sister's in trouble.

[Hisses] Ow!

[Screams] [Screams]

and I'll be through in a few. All right, man.

and my daddy is gonna offer you a job at one of his stores... No. I...

Are you gay? Not at this time.

Are you married? Not at this time.

Are you really our uncle? Yes.

Doughnuts. This party's lame! Lame!

Everybody's grounded! [Whimpers]

Goodbye, Amy. No!

Hello, Buck. Girl, get yourself on in here.

Hmm? Laugh.

I don't think they're enemies. Well, they're not friends.

I'd love that, too. Yeah.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm. You're gonna come to dinner tonight,

No. Oh, okay, I can do this.

Not Buck. What is your problem with Buck?

Oh, really? I had an emergency,

Ohh. And you're gonna end up old,

Okay, let's do them. All right, too easy.

Okay, let's do them. All right, too easy.

Okay. Um, I'll call you later.

Ooh. Stop it!

Really? Yeah.

She's grounded. The whole world's grounded.

Shut up! Whoo!

That's it. [Sighs]

The Fixer. That's right.

They left in his fancy car. Thanks, Cy.

We need more black friends. This is my fault.

What do you do for a living? That's even more complicated.

What is this about? Mnh mnh!

What is this about? Mnh mnh! Mnh mnh!

What the...?! Whoo!

Who the hell are you? Hey!

Why didn't you visit more? It's complicated.

You think she bought it? Not a chance in hell

...and you are going to take it.

...B I T C H?

'cause I had to get my brother's kids.

'Cause it's gone.

'Cause when there isn't, that's when the problems start.

'cause your juicy ham got me thinking of Christmas.

[Backfires]

[Backfires]

[Barking]

[Barking]

[Barks, growls]

[Camera shutter clicks] Gotcha!

[Cellphone buzzes]

[Cellphone buzzes]

[Cellphone buzzes]

[Cellphone rings]

[Cellphone rings]

[Cellphone rings]

[Cellphone rings] Oh, it's Alexis.

[Chanting Buck, Buck]

[Cheering]

[Cheering]

[Chuckles lightly] I could write a book about it.

[Chuckles]

[Chuckles]

[Clattering, Maizy screams]

[Dance music playing]

[Door slams]

[Door slams]

[Doorbell rings]

[Engine starts]

[Gasps] Oh!

[Giggles] Really? Oh, my God.

[Groans]

[Growling]

[Gulping]

[Hip hop music playing]

[Horns blaring]

[Humming]

[Indistinct conversations]

[Keyboard clacking]

[Laughs] You have no idea.

[Laughter]

[Laughter]

[Retching]

[Scoffs]

[Sighs]

[Sighs] I don't know.

[Slurping]

[Snoring]

[Tires screech]

[Tires squeal]

[Tires squeal]

[Whines]

[Woman screaming]

[Yelling]

♪♪