Matthew Perry Soundboard Edit

All right, 10 bucks. Fork it over, cough it up, pay the piper. Give me it.

All right, now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.

Ding Dong. The psychos gone.

Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. Could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no, no, no, no, no. For me gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

How long do you want the cups? At least as long as I have the pants.

I was in too much pain and I was tired from digging the huge hole. And then Joey remembered things. I've seen this thing on the Discovery Channel. Wait a minute. I saw that on the Discovery Channel...

Is that the fire alarm? Yeah. That's not warm yet. We still have time. Cool.

It's like somebody literally wrote down my worst nightmare and then charged me $32 to see it.

Know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing. Oh no, I don't.

Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be staring at the business end of a hissy fit.

Men are here. We mix. Cook meat, then put out fire by peeing. No. Get invited back.

No, my eye doctor is Richard. I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend. He's really picky about his patience.

Oh man, I am so excited I may vomit.

Oh, it's Isaac Newton. And he's pissed.

Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy, my wallets too small for my 50s, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

OK, the The 5th dentist caved. Now they're all recommending Trident.

OK, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance.

Pretty neat, huh?

So does it do anything, you know, special? Well, yes, Ross. Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

So I've got a new plan now, babies, You're going to need much bigger jars.

Spit Take #spit #spit take #spit out #reaction #shocked

Stop being so testosterone. Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat.

Then I'll get more snakes. Call them my babies. Kids will walk past my place. They will run. Run away from crazy snake man.

There she is. Monica. Shut up. The camera adds 10 lbs. So how many cameras are actually on?

There's nothing to tell. It's just some guy I work with. Come on, you're going out with the guy. There's got to be something wrong with him. So does he have a hump, A hump and a hair piece? Wait, d...

What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.

Where's Joey's mom? He's in the bathroom. I don't think you want to go in there. Eyes.

Why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint? It's the miracle Wrap, certainly as a miracle.

Wow, that ripped.

Wow. It's like porno for clowns.

Yeah, easy for you to say. You don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry. I do. I do. I tell you, the food is high.

Yes. Oh.

You and Rachel, just the two of you. This is a date. You're going on a date. Yeah.