It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005) - Season 12 Edit

A "Why, I oughta," but, you know, it's no big deal.

A A little bit nasty?

A and it hurts.

A bakery with all the muffin tops I'm seeing.

A day we all used to love and enjoy until we turned

A deposit's a load, right?

A different anthrax scare, but it shouldn't concern you.

A grown woman who shit her pants.

A hate crime's been committed?

A little bit about what we do.

A little bit hard for me to pull off the dad thing at all.

A lovable little guy loose in the studio here.

A magician never reveals his tricks, Cricks.

A man lives and then dies. Why are we having this argument?

A man wants to turn himself into a woman?

A million dollar idea and I've got the ticket.

A money laundering front.

A portion of the proceeds will be going to a charity

A PTSD support group, Frank?

A rational conversation, okay?

A real woman of power,

A twist.

A two dollar scratcher lottery ticket.

A very generous tip to the cashier, Cassie.

A what... a charming taint man?

A woman can't **** a guy.

A woman when you're trying to insult her.

A, uh, reverse nipplectomy.

Aah!

About dog fights are actually the same people

About my mom starring in a show, and I like it.

About pulling a dead worm out of his ass?

About the 24 hour news cycle.

About the the sound effects under my uncle.

About the ticket in question, don't we?

About trying to get another worm, Frank.

About what you're doing, Dee.

About your sexual orientation?

Above my head for a half hour

Absolutely. Dude, what is going on with him, right?

Acceptable body types.

Actually feels pretty good.

Actually is kind of funny.

Address the public directly?

Afford such impulse buys?

After all.

After everything I've done, you know?

After everything they've done to me.

After noticing the contents of her purse,

Aga aga aga agoo.

Ah, geez.

Ah, there's no rocket!

Ah!

Ah. I got to say, it's kind of fun

Ah...

AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey,

All Africans,

All clear, nobody's here.

All his guts and bodily fluids

All my stories checked out.

All of our conversations as well.

All of our conversations, because of course he would.

All right,

All right, all right, all right.

All right, all right, boys.

All right, all right, I can do that.

All right, Charlie, you got 15 minutes,

All right, Christ, uh, I got to do something here.

All right, come on, we got work to do, guys. Let's go.

All right, cool.

All right, Cowboy, how you feeling right now?

All right, fine.

All right, fine. Can you just tell him to get lost, then?

All right, if you will just sign this, releasing the ticket

All right, if, uh, you'll just take care of this,

All right, let me see if I can trick Mac into it first.

All right, listen to me, because we only have a few minutes

All right, listen to me. This is it, this is what you were made for.

All right, look,

All right, look, I don't want to over write this thing.

All right, look, it's too hot for baseball.

All right, look, you guys remember when we did that Boggs thing.

All right, next plan. Dee.

All right, that's gonna be five.

All right, then we're gonna need a lot of eggs

All right, this is nuts! This is crazy!

All right, uh, this is the loading dock

All right, well, why don't we bring it on in

All right, well, you know, if you guys are looking

All right, well...

All right, you guys ready? This is our opportunity

All right, you know what, Dad, don't listen to them,

All right! Hey!

All right? Fine, I said it.

All right? Is that... will that work?

All right? There's only one thing

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Fine. Three dollars.

All that matters is that consumers feel

All the way to sitting on the beach in Rio de Janeiro.

All these lovely gifts, Charlie.

Alls I'm saying,

Also, you casually mention RPGs, like, a weird amount.

Although he did request to draw his own blood,

Am I glad she's dead? Sure.

Amazing.

An airline pilot who flies out of Philly named Brian LeFevre.

An American soda company, although how and why Boko Haram

An amorphous shifting blob in the bar, you know?

An extreme sexual deviant.

And a bigot should not be entitled to a hero's payout.

And a fourth, if you must know, but who likes crows?

And a potential public relations nightmare.

And also, we're sorry.

And and all of a sudden you want to turn it into a spy thriller?

And and and you guys have to take my lead because

And and I'm gonna show you.

And and intimidate Charlie? Please. What am I gonna do?

And and that's gonna make you really sick,

And and we packed that into a delicious milk drink

And and you, too. I mean,

And and, honestly, I'm gonna ignore my mom's note,

And as I was putting my book into my purse,

And at the end you're sick,

And beautiful woman in the world, don't you?

And by the way, my name is not Cricket, okay?

And candy sour worms and cigarettes,

And Cerrone and Felder, they actually love it.

And Charlie and I refuse to be defeated by this.

And check out that crate. Just the two of us...

And control the goddamn narrative.

And crawl back into that manure pile

And Dennis always made a big show

And essence of a crow

And even found replicas

And even though I never even said it enough.

And fat... if you're funny.

And finally, all women's Achilles' heel... time.

And financially.

And find out what's really going on in there.

And get them shit on Valentine's Day. All right?

And getting fired up at the the mere mention of a crate.

And goes to town on Bonnie.

And guys, after the grand opening,

And having those other people laugh

And he cooperated.

And he wouldn't have noticed.

And he's left handed.

And he's looking for his hard drive, right?

And here to tell their side of the story

And his body mangled,

And how did you, um...

And I accidentally spilled it.

And I bet you're gonna be high by the end of the night.

And I can't wait until those cigarettes kill you.

And I caught him saying some pretty troubling stuff.

And I don't know who these guys are.

And I feel great.

And I feel like he sent me in here to punish me or something,

And I got a good story behind that.

And I have to answer the door.

And I hold top secret government information.

And I just can't enjoy it when the people who are being filmed

And I just... at this point,

And I just... I don't get that.

And I love all the letters flying around on the screen.

And I never threatened her in any way.

And I owe it all to you, Dad,

And I realized I hit rock bottom.

And I really love

And I shall dance on your grave.

And I think how we do that is soften their brand.

And I think it's a good idea,

And I think you should put me in.

And I want to say thank you to America...

And I was simply putting it out of its misery,

And I will make my decision.

And I'd be fine with it. Well, all right, fine.

And I'll prove it.

And I'm about to poke you full of holes.

And I'm gonna tell them

And I'm old.

And I'm sure as shit not cute.

And in her cat form, she went by the name Bastet

And it makes total sense because the the best bodyguards

And it really plays.

And it's a dollar a minute starting... now.

And it's gonna be on our home turf. Like, Paddy's.

And it's just not offensive.

And let me tell you something. He did us all a favor.

And let's... It's not sexy, okay?

And look, uh, ring girls are the perfect combo.

And Maureen never wore a collar. You guys put that there.

And Mrs. Kelly have a classic comedic rivalry.

And naturally I stepped in it.

And needless to say, it worked like a charm.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

And organs spill out.

And plus, it's totally turning her into, like, a different person.

And probably bad news for me.

And right here...

And she also loves me very much.

And she also says that she loves me

And she definitely did it on purpose.

And she's constantly looking directly

And she's instructed to give

And shit; we got these weigh ins coming up.

And so that's why he hates Valentine's Day so much.

And some of the crow's fecal matter.

And spin more perverted tales about me? Why am I a gimp?

And start drinking your crow, everybody.

And stuffed it up my butt to lose weight.

And suddenly it's gross?

And takin' back the power,

And that hasn't been a problem?

And that I don't have any money,

And that is why he called me the F word,

And that's Charlie, and that's Frank.

And that's why I put anthrax in the box.

And that's why I was crying.

And that's why you hate Valentine's Day.

And that's why you look so beefy and so handsome

And the 24 hour news cycle starts again.

And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards,

And the **** are still driving their cars around.

And the little teddy bear.

And the music that I added makes you

And the playgrounds, and you got that longing look in your eye.

And the sex was so meaningful,

And the shrill one psychologically abuses

And then he never can think of anything funny,

And then I painted the rest with, like, magic marker and stuff.

And then I turn the volume down really low

And then I went to the bar.

And then we'll go back to the way things were.

And then you make a hefty withdrawal.

And then you stepped directly in it.

And then you wouldn't have to go through all of this?

And then you'll be fine for the weigh in.

And then, I didn't realize I was gonna be your boy

And then, you know, get after it.

And there are no no worms.

And therefore the ticket belongs to me.

And this bigot here is gonna get a hero's payout?

And this collar! I... Th There's something wrong

And this is the hard part... I...

And this is, uh... this is little Brian Junior.

And this isn't making sense to me.

And to establish that Maureen never wore a collar at all.

And to honor her full maturity.

And we are taking every step necessary

And we are working tirelessly to remedy this situation.

And we can say that without saying I'm sorry.

And we can win the game.

And we could probably trick Cricket into doing it.

And we make wiseacre remarks the entire time.

And we need to do it right away, okay?

And we really care about people's concerns.

And where were you going to sleep?

And why hadn't you scratched the ticket yet?

And yet, we've just sort of been

And you and Brian Jr., you'll have to get away from me

And you don't like it?

And you know what else?

And you know, Mac, you seem like a real stand up fella,

And you might as well stick around.

And you named it?

And you stink like piss, by the way.

And you'll never get any money or assets from me

And you're all gonna goddamn listen up, okay?

And you're not funny at all and...

And you're sweating and you're tired.

And you've already been working super hard,

And, by definition, shrill.

And, oh, what about the mystery of the clogged soda gun,

And, uh, did you get anything? 'Cause I'd like to see

And, uh, kept my cool.

And, uh, you know, $5,000 goes a long way up there.

And, you guys, according to that,

And, you know what, he didn't even really...

And, you know what, uh, actually,

And..

And...

And...

Another breakthrough came:

Another video today.

Anything that's bothering you?

Are are you insane?!

Are chock full of Bye Bye Jerry pills.

Are chock full of Bye Bye Jerry pills.

Are gonna control the narrative.

Are in here today because they don't have people who love them

Are they clogged?

Are those mirrors?

Are we done with this? Can we be done?

Are we ready to party tonight?

Are you all finished?

Are you crazy?

Are you gonna stand out here and talk like little bitches,

Are you insane?

Are you kidding me? Uh, look,

Are you limping?

Are you making a valentine for Frank's tapeworm?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?

Are you serious?!

Are you talking about? That's Dad's dog.

Are you the stripper?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Articles of confederation.

As a premium soda company.

As a society?

As it calls for it,

As much as I can about this, you know?

As she claimed?

As the official drink of the UFC,

As the years go by, he just gets more and more irrational.

As we all know, women only have one acceptable body type.

Ass Pounder 4000?

At a certain point a woman goes from being a woman

At dancing. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

At this point in the interrogation,

At what's going on in there, we might find the situation

At worst, you're properly medicated.

Athlete of all time

Authorities soon focused

Autopsy results came back from the lab.

Aw, she wants another mojito.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw. Shit. Sorry, Dennis.

Awesome.

Aye.

Back in the sweatshop in 'Nam, we found a cat,

Badly now being able to provide emotionally for you,

Bang somebody, but not him.

Banging kids pretty masterfully,

Be be agreeable,

Be getting back to North Dakota now.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

Because a great injustice has occurred, okay?

Because everybody saw you kick me.

Because he gets to take his clothes off

Because I am the boss.

Because I deserve the ticket.

Because I don't want my kid to grow up like I did.

Because I got a little pinched nerve in my neck.

Because I got nothing left.

Because I overheard you on the phone saying,

Because I think to pay a million bucks to get laid...

Because I... I do have a date.

Because I'm writing her off. She's terrible. Let's...

Because if it is, you're already too bony.

Because if the shit shoe's a matcher,

Because if you do, it'll be unsafe for you.

Because it's it's not safe.

Because it's Valentine's Day and I don't really

Because n none of this is playing,

Because she can't imagine a life without me, right, Mom?

Because she's afraid he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.

Because spies are always looking for hard drives.

Because the bar's still open.

Because they are people, too.

Because we feel like we're gonna be judged by people like you.

Because we only have..

Because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day,

Because you can never think of jokes on the fly.

Because you're emotionally involved with me.

Because, for some reason, he thinks that I'm gay,

Because, I agree, the whole, like, "do your job" angle

Before full maturity, yeah, ew.

Before they realize they can't hear or see us back here.

Before you do another thing,

Being boys. Yeah. That...

Being on the other end of it sometimes, huh?

Belle?

Belle.

Belongs to me.

Between Jack, your mom and Frank?

Between two soon to be lovers.

Bird watching.

Bitch.

Blowing kids, doing whatever they're doing, you know?

Boca Raton, Frank?

Boko Haram is just concentrating,

Books are stupid.

Both of them.

Both of us wept tears of joy.

Boys! Stop it!

Brian Jr.

Brian's not above having a one night stand with a woman,

Bro, it's been raging since the beginning of time, bro.

Bumps, zits, you know,

But as long as you don't scratch it,

But at the end of the day, you know,

But for nothing specific.

But give me a cigarette; I'll cover it up.

But he's entrusted me, because I'm a gay man

But he's got no room for her emotionally

But I didn't realize it was gonna be so goddamn blustery

But I got to come back because I need to crash here tonight.

But I have heard of your stuff

But I just had to get out of the house.

But I still got your bread, bitch.

But I thought you were trying to get us to focus

But I'm a little bit confused.

But I'm asking you... give us a second chance.

But I'm emotionally involved with Mac,

But I'm gonna find these tapes, and I'm gonna destroy them.

But I'm I'm not guilty.

But if I add a laugh track, maybe, I don't know.

But if you want to bring a girlfriend...

But in this circumstance, it's not funny because it's my mom!

But it is not what it looks like.

But it was an offensive slur.

But it'd be great if women also drank it.

But it's not a show. This is their lives.

But it's not technically

But Jerry likes sweet

But Jerry...

But Jerry...

But just let's not talk about it in there.

But let me make one thing clear.

But let me tell you something,

But let's let that play out.

But maybe let's make him pay it tomorrow, you know?

But maybe there was another reason she removed it.

But Mr. MacDonald currently possesses it.

But my gut told me this guy was guilty.

But not for early deposits?

But now I'm off drugs, and I actually have a date,

But remember that Maureen was once Dennis's...

But since you softies like to talk about everything,

But that... but that's not

But that's because I simply couldn't believe

But the point is, you guys could look even better

But then when you actually have a baby,

But then...

But they've got billions of dollars at their disposal

But we could keep my singing voice if you like it.

But we don't want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with us.

But we're not having an argument about who's sweeter, what...

But you called me the "F" word.

But you do have a very important job...

But you just couldn't do it!

But you never give any actual answers,

But you want to go back for more.

But you're never referring to anything when you say it.

But, I mean, you're right.

But, look, either way, he's been acting very distant towards me,

But, look, if it smells like shit, you must acquit.

But, really, a cat?

But, uh, five months later,

But, uh, I'm thinking that this isn't my problem, and, also,

But, uh, not in this case.

But, uh... whatever.

But, um, Mac and I aren't just friends.

But, yeah, fine, what do you want...

Buying it like crazy.

Buzz off!

Buzz off!

By a parent company known as Frank's Fluids.

By ISIS.

By this news as everyone else.

By turning him into the romantic lead.

Bye bye, Frank's Fluids.

Bye bye, Jerry.

Bye, Dada.

Bye.

Call him on the phone and threaten him?

Calls me a bitch, that kind of thing.

Camera one.

Can I be honest, dude? I think this thing's alive.

Can I say something?

Can scientifically make your breasts larger.

Can we go check out that crate now?

Can we just do our jobs?

Can we just do the one thing we've never tried?

Can we not talk about worms or sewers or rats today, with all these

Can we turn this into something else? I mean...

Can you do your jobs today? We got a bunch of customers in here.

Can you go check their IDs so we don't get another

Can you just... can you please go clear the lines for me?

Can you please explain Channing Tatum to him?

Can you walk me through what your guy is again?

Can... can you play it again without the laugh track?

Can't cut around her when she's in every shot, can you, Dennis?

Captivated South Philadelphia.

Cards to each other, but instead you were just sticking hate mail

Cards to each other, but instead you were just sticking hate mail

Carl Lewis couldn't catch him!

Cassie is 21 years old.

Cassie is not underage.

Cassie never gets her tip,

Cassie's underage.

Casually throwing the F word around

Cat, cat, cat...

Catch me up. W what did I miss?

Cats have collars.

Cats. I'll tell you what to do with cats.

Cats. I'll tell you what to do with cats.

Ch Charlie, I need a new keg.

Charlie gets the scratcher!

Charlie was there.

Charlie, he doesn't want us to work at all.

Charlie, I'm mad,

Charlie, let's go get this worm out of my ass.

Charlie, please pick up.

Charlie, this... this paint could be full of lead.

Charlie, what's going on?

Charlie, where are you?

Charlie, who kicked him in the chest,

Charlie. What a pleasant surprise.

Charlie's pretending to ignore me because he's jealous of Jerry.

Charming, quite frankly.

Cheese.

Christ, I was at a loss.

Christ, if you're upset, smash an egg into a pan for Frank.

Christ, Mercedes built Nazi tanks, okay?

Christ, what am I gonna do here? And need I remind you,

Chump.

Clear the room.

Clearly, you're not busy, so, I need somebody

Cock a doodle doo!

Come back here!

Come back here!

Come back, we bang again.

Come help me out, I'm stuck.

Come on, how are we gonna win if you keep quitting?

Come on, I need help here, all right?

Come on, man, knock that off.

Come on, Mom.

Come on, stop banging!

Come on, this way.

Come on, you could yell "penis" at me,

Come on!

Come on! Take it back!

Come on.

Come on.

Coming by because you stole his watch.

Continues to intensify on an hourly basis...

Cool, man. Chill, chill.

Correct. But I deserve it, and here's why.

Could you just help me with my necklace?

Covered in manure, selling your body,

Cowboy Cerrone and Paul Felder drink Fight Milk?

Cricket doesn't work here though.

Cricket was a bad idea, huh?

Cricket, Cricket, calm down, man. Hey, look.

Cut to a close up.

Dad, I told you we couldn't trust him.

Dad, who do you love? No, Dad! No!

Dad, who do you love? Wait.

Dad?

Dad?! What are you doing here?

Daddy?

Damn drunks.

Damn it! How the hell did you guys find me?

Dating a stripper you'd be bragging about it

Davy, Pops.

Deandra Reynolds refused to be a part of this documentary

Decide then if you're guilty or not.

Dee can't handle a little rejection.

Dee has no rightful claim to that ticket,

Dee is a rock. In fact, I'm the type of gal

Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house,

Dee Reynolds had, oddly,

Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.

Dee, eggs!

Dee, I I don't know what you're doing,

Dee, let me just... let me put this to bed.

Dee, what do I do here?

Dee, why have you not made this man his egg?

Dee!

Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!

Dee?

Dee.

Dee. Deandra.

Degrading me or generally treating me like shit.

Dennis and Dee knew to look.

Dennis doesn't want us to work the bar.

Dennis has an answer for everything.

Dennis is his sex slave name.

Dennis killed Bastet, all right?

Dennis provided to authorities.

Dennis wants us to work through our personal issues

Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

Dennis, I got to say, I feel like this is

Dennis?

Dennis.

Despite conjecture, the question still remained:

Did Charlie ask you to trick me?

Did I kill Maureen? No.

Did Mac put a camera in my mom's room?

Did someone put you up to this?

Did you expect me to live in the women's shelter

Did you just ash in my tapioca?

Did you just do a flip off that truck?

Did you just lick your hand? Yeah, that...

Did you just step in that on purpose?

Did you know that a faggot is a burning bundle of sticks

Did you put a chip in me?!

Did you really think that this was gonna work?

Didn't have a collar on it.

Do a little P to the C to the P.

Do I hear someone upstairs?

Do I look like a dusthead to you?

Do we all agree to those terms?

Do you own that question?

Do you want me to go on and on, or...

Do you want to live this way, son?

Do you want to take care of this child for the rest

Does she, Dee?

Doesn't matter. I know it probably involves hurting me,

Doesn't matter. We're done with you.

Dog shit.

Dog?

Doing insane shit like kissing dogs.

Don't be a whore tonight, Dee, and try and bang me again, okay?

Don't do that. Please, don't talk about these things.

Don't don't yell at the customers, okay?

Don't get all emotional, just do it.

Don't have him die.

Don't leave. Please, don't leave.

Don't pick up. Don't pick up.

Don't play the c... the...

Don't quit just yet.

Don't start talking, I can tell...

Don't take your clothes off if they're laughing. We have the power.

Don't trick anybody, just do it... Oh, goddamn.

Don't try and steal focus, Charlie.

Don't worry. Okay, look, this is all a part

Don't you understand that

Driving the lane to fame.

Dude, can you go clear the lines for me?

Dude, dude, dude, dude,

Dude, I'm so sorry!

Dude, why did you say you wanted to raise the kid?

Dude, you're putting the work in, and it's showing, man.

Each of you will have an opportunity to plead your case.

Ee.

Eh.

Eh. While I'm here, I might as well...

Enough with this.

Especially, uh, directed towards

Even offered DNA samples.

Even the... our friends at Boko Haram,

Even though the threat is always there.

Event in Philly tested positive

Every morning on the way to work.

Everybody knew to look at Mac.

Everybody knows it. Even the balloon kid knew it.

Everything is about emotion with women.

Everything rhymes with Dee.

Exactly the same.

Exactly. There's nothing offensive about sucking cock.

Except for the fart stuff.

Except that it's made right here in Philadelphia

Excited to have my old place back to myself.

Excuse me, excuse me, are you, um...

Excuse me?

Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?

Excuse me. I got to go to the can.

Fat and crabby.

Feel good. I don't want to talk about it.

Fight Milk is boomin'

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

Fight Milk! Fight Milk! Fight Milk!

Fight Milk! Rebrand!

Fight Milk.

Fight Milk's back.

Fight Milk's in the house.

Fighters at a UFC

Finally there's a crow based

Finally, somebody's actually working.

Find the collar, find the killer.

Find the collar, find the killer.

Find the collar, find the killer.

Find the collar, find the killer.

Find the collar...

Fine. Whatever. Yeah. I'm out!

Fine. You guys'll do, I guess.

Finish the guy off, and then come do the job for us.

Fire it up.

First thing we wanted to establish is

Five grand is a lot of money... is that offer just out on the table?

Floyd Mayweather beat the shit

For a comedy troupe that beats the shit out of each other

For a little while. Let's watch how this whole thing plays out.

For bodyguards, by bodyguards.

For Brian, Jr. to have a relationship with his father.

For days. I meet myself a Channing Tatum

For Dennis, but I feel like he's not emotionally available to...

For giving me a second chance.

For laughs, there's nobody better than the Three Stooges.

For Mandy by telling her that you're gay.

For me to take a shower in here.

For me?

For once in our lives, not go chasing after crates?

For pay or for free?

For several banned substances,

For taking our case so last minute.

For this heinous mistake, and please know

For this surgery due to an alimony arrangement.

For when you feel better, and...

For you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

Forget it, he's dead.

Found my go bag.

Four or five entire crows

Fr Frank, you want to change...

Frank committed a hate crime.

Frank, grab that anthrax!

Frank, he was just trying to give us water, man!

Frank, we're not going into business with terrorists.

Frank, what the hell are you doing here, man?

Frank, where are you, man?

Frank, you're an animal.

Frank, you're not done

Frank!

Frank!

Frank. Frank.

Frank's gonna need to find us a nicer place to live.

Freakin' bullcrap!

From an amazing stripping career,

From dealing with terrorists.

From dog fighting to finding a loving home.

From here, what you're doing

From the fron... A Chinaman. And he did not know

From the sports world.

Funny you should ask.

Further inspection of Dennis Reynolds' safe

Gay Mac rules!

Gay or not.

Gentleman, welcome to your moms.

Get lost. I'm gonna bang your sister.

Get off me, dude. Get off. What are you doing? Get off.

Get off me, man. Get off!

Get off me, you crazy bitch!

Get out. Get out of the damn box.

Get up and get us an egg.

Getting pretty tubby in the midsection area.