It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (2005) - Season 1 Edit

A very bad place.

Ah. "The accusers are two brothers whose names are being withheld...

All right. I Okay.

All right. That little prick's goin' to hell.

And drink for a while.

And my sister screamed and told everyone that I touched her vagina.

And prison can be a bad place...

And second of all, the first step is acknowledgment. So I better write that down.

And since the McPoyles are gonna plead guilty, I'm off the hook completely.

And the best part of it, actually, for me now is the fact...

And they did it right in front of my kids too.

And we thank you for that.

And what is this in reference to?

And you guys are gonna exploit that for your own personal gain?

Be strong for your little gingerbread man.

Because I knew these two brothers that the article was talking about.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But there are millions to be made here, my friend.

But we thought we'd mix it up a bit.

But we understand that there's been some abuse.

But your friends have been helping us out...

Can I see you two boys for a minute, please?

Charlie didn't get molested.

Charlie got molested.

Charlie's not a baby. Charlie!

Come on, man. I need to talk to you guys. Go. Move. Go.

Did you just say, "We just stepped out of the shower"?

Do it.

Do you think that Murray blew these guys?

Don't you look so handsome!

Dr. Gainer? That guy was an idiot.

File an official report.

For someone like you, Charlie.

Get him liquored up and tell him, "We know you got molested."

Go. Come on.

God, man, I hear you. So much ass, it was like Whew.

Gonna have to disagree with you, Sis.

Grandma? Uncle Jack? What's What's everybody doing here?

Great. Nice. Good job, Dennis. Great.

Guys, I have good news!

Has been accused of sexually abusing two former students."

Have a good time.

He goes after the weakest he can find.

He's not gonna get some.

Hello, Charles.

Hello, Charlie.

Hello? Ma?

Hey, Charlie. Long time no see.

Hey, I got your message. You sounded kinda funny.

Hey, open up!

Hey, tell me something, man. What's been going on with you lately?

Holy shit.

How are we oppressing anything? You need to think before you speak.

How are you gonna put this on me? You messed it up!

How come you're getting so upset?

I I don't exactly know how one of these things are supposed to go.

I don't even remember who these assholes are that are accusing me.

I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news recently...

I don't know what this shit is all about.

I don't think Murray would've put his dick anywhere near him.

I get it, all right? But if he's dishing out blow jobs, come on.

I gotta say, my favorite part was at the end there when we were all hugging...

I keep saying it because... it is.

I mean, please! I got so much ass back in those days.

I mean, so I just want to apologize again for the other day.

I mean, what exactly was this prick looking for?

I said "he."

I think we need to ease him into it. There he is.

I was cute. I was energetic. I was fun.

I was cute. I was energetic. I was fun.

I was in that class with them, all right? I was with those guys!

I will shut the door.

I wouldn't even joke about something like that.

I'm not joking though. I'm not joking. I'm really not.

I'm sorry we had to stop by like this, but we really need to talk to you about something.

I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time.

I've been reading up on the subject of pedophilia.

If Murray was looking for the weakest he could find, it wouldn't have been Charlie.

If the McPoyles got blown and Charlie got blown...

If you want in on the team, we could probably get a nice class action suit going.

In here, Charlie!

In the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry and cry and cry...

Is that why you ran out of the bar the other day?

It is cute that you did some research and got four books though.

It turns out that it isn't about sex after all. It's about power.

It was the final push Charlie needed.

It's about time we start doing a little oppressing ourselves.

It's me Mac!

It's not gonna get the results we want.

Just hope that that man goes away for a long, long time.

Leave this to the two people that are qualified to deal with the situation.

Let's get it on the books.

Let's tell everybody Charlie knows that he got blown by a gym teacher

Listen, are you trying to say that you got molested?

Listen, you guys can't go

Look, I just want to say that I think this is a terrible approach.

Molester.

Mom?

No. No. I was I had some stuff I needed to do.

No. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't like it though.

Not here. Like right in here.

Nothing special. You know, Coach, I've been working out a lot since grammar school.

Now is not the time for an episode.

Now, we're not exactly sure how this thing is supposed to go.

Now?

Oh, and you know what, to tell you the truth?

Oh, I can't believe this! I just can't believe it!

Oh, sure, there's the classic route of priest molestation...

Oh, well, I was thinking we should, uh, zip down to the police station..

Oh. That's me. Uh, I'll be right back.

Okay, Charlie, show us on the doll.

Okay, look at this. Look at this guy, huh?

Okay, you know what? Dr. Gainer used to say that in situations like this

Okay, you know what? You being a smartass not helping Charlie.

Okay. Okay, first of all, there are people out there who actually have been molested.

Okay. Uh, take a seat. Someone will be right with you.

Okay. You know what? Stop. I'm sorry. We need to clarify something here.

Okay. You know what? You have no room to talk. All the girls you've molested.

On a couple of key points.

One day the cops just roll into my classroom and they haul me out of there.

Otherwise, we're talking conspiracy charges.

Prison can be a bad place for a guy like that.

Push him? You're pushing him away. Now he knows something's up.

Right. Okay. Listen. I heard about the Coach Murray thing.

Shall I turn it over?

Shit.

Show you what?

Slow. Slow.

So we need to take a moment and assess the situation. Write this down.

So what?

So, Charlie...

So, in a way, my life is ruined.

So, the assailant doesn't go after the one he finds most attractive this guy.

So, what do you need from me?

Sodomy.

Soon as Charlie comes out, we gotta grab him, take him back to the bar...

Sweet Dee and I took psychology at Penn, so let the grown ups talk.

That everybody thinks that I've been molested.

That failed miserably. So now why don't we try something that will work?

That means there are more guys out there who've been blown.

That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him.

The American school system's been oppressing people for years.

The article didn't specify what type of abuse it was. It could have been anything.

The McPoyle twins Ryan and Liam. Okay?

The police are asking for more young men to come forward.

The police are hoping more young men will come forward."

Then we'll throw him a little surprise party, celebrate the occasion.

Then why didn't I get blown?

These two boys have been strong enough to admit what happened...

They were gross, and they smelled like a couple of unwiped assholes.

They were the type of kids that would blow snot bubbles and rub 'em over each other.

Though I have to admit, it does explain a lot about him.

Turns out three quarters of a major not so bad after all.

Twenty five million is a lot of clams.

Ugh. We gotta get in there.

Very bad place.

We could always split it 50 50 50.

We had in junior high molested us...

We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.

We should do it. I wanna do it.

We should tell the cops that that fat dickhead gym teacher...

We'd hate to have to put this whole thing on your shoulders.

We're going after the whole damn school board.

Well, if Murray is, like, fondling or touching them, whatever

Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really dumb, you know.

Well, this confirms it. He definitely got molested.

Well, we've all gathered here at the request of your friends.

Well, you know what? Three quarters of a major is bigger than a whole minor.

What are you doing?

What do you want me to do?

What else does it say?

What the hell are you guys talking about?

What the hell did I need that kind of shit for?

What you running from, Charlie?

What?

What? No, look. First of all, we can't sit around and let him wallow in it.

When dealing with molestation, the first step is always understanding.

When he got excited, his face would turn purple and he'd start biting things.

Where to?

Which is why I think you need to reconsider my idea.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Who said anything about getting blown?

Whoa, whoa. Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay?

Why are you so obsessed with the blowing aspect of all this?

Wow. That is good news.

Yeah, but do you think he got blown?

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Yeah, turn her over.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Yeah. He'll want some.

Yes, he did. We were in the same class.

Yes, we were thinking the same thing.

Yes. Oh. Be strong, Bonnie.

You assholes are securing your place in hell.

You can't just thrust yourself in the position of caregiver like that.

You don't have to join us, but if anyone asks you point blank...

You even hear what you're saying?

You guys cannot go to the police and say that he molested you.

You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it.

You know what? We tried it your little tippy toe pussy way.

You know what? You were a good student at school. You got potential.

You know when you get real tight, like, right up in here in this area here?

You know, bring his friends and family together for support.

You're doing the right thing, Charlie.

You're playing a game for children, and it's not working.

Your gums are bleeding.

[Chuckling] What?

[Dee] Why not? Because Charlie was a bit of a psychopath.

[Door Closes] Emotional release.

[Knocking] Yo! McPoyle!

and just sue the shit out of him! [Laughing]

And why not? We'll tell the cops the whole thing was your idea.

And, Dee, so beautiful. Thank you, Mrs. Kelly.

Another giant step forward. My God, we're good.

Are you okay? I'm fine!

Can I come in? Yeah.

Come on back, honey. Is everything all right?

Dee, could you grab me a beer? Grab one yourself.

Did you just say "we"? What?

Doctor. Doctor.

Fine. Great.

Get We gotta get in there? Yes.

Good for you, son. Yeah, it's good for you, right?

Good. Good?

Good. That is so great for me.

Good. I'm sure he didn't. Oh, boy.

He was a hot older man. Gross!

He was not. Yes, he was.

Hello, Charlie. Hello, Ryan.

Hey, bud. Hi, Charlie.

Hey, Coach Murray! Yeah?

Hey, say hi to those folks for me. I will. Thanks.

Holy shit! What?

How 'bout Charlie? [Inaudible]

How'd it go? Great. I just ratted you out.

I I was joking. Really?

I actually majored in psych, so You failed all your classes.

I don't even know how to respond to that. That doesn't surprise me.

I don't know. Yeah, you know? Probably got blown.

I gotta do it sometime, right? That's the spirit.

I had sex with him 'cause I wanted to. You had sex with Dr. Gainer?

I just don't understand. What do you not get?

I mean that. Great, Coach. That's all I really needed to hear.

I really think they bought it. Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I think that went well. You did a wonderful job, Charlie.

I'm gonna call the cops. Oh, no, you won't, Charlie.

I'm not gonna walk in front of you! Go. Just come in.

I'm right in the middle of a game. Your game isn't working.

I'm sorry that you're sorry all the time. What?

I'm sure he didn't. Yeah.

I'm sure he went to town on them. What's your point?

It just popped in my head. Yeah, well, that's understandable.

It's all right, Mac. Don't worry about it. Awkward, right?

Jesus, Mac. What is wrong with you? No. You're not following.

Just put that in your pocket. Really? You mean that?

Let me play now. Let me play the game the way I want to play it.

Name? Charlie Kelly.

Nice work. Yeah, goodjob.

No, I don't think that's what he's saying. What are you talking about?

No, you go first, and I will follow you. Shut the door.

No. No, no. Whoa! What, guys

Nothing special there, right? I guess.

Of course I did. No, you had Oh!

Oh, my God. You have photographs of it? Oh! Okay.

Oh, yes, I will. Oh, my friend, I'm afraid not.

Oh! That's a good shot, bud.

Okay? Thank you. Okay?

On the side. You didn't do that on purpose.

Otherwise that would have been a great shot. Watch this. Side pocket.

Shit. So you're gonna have to keep your mouth shut.

So did you want a beverage of some kind? No! Where's your brother?

So you're not gonna get in any trouble at all? Uh, no. No, not really.

So? I had a minor, and I passed all mine.

Split it 50 50. Charlie's gonna want something.

St. Vincent's? That's that school you went to, right, Mac? Yeah, me and Charlie.

Talk about molesters. That guy He didn't molest me.

That doesn't make any sense. I don't care.

That doesn't make sense. Yes, it does.

That was good. I liked that one. I felt good about it.

That's a good one. Yeah, it is.

That's great. Sorry. Was he saying that the intervention worked?

This is our chance for revenge. You want in? No!

This is serious. Fine.

Um, are you okay, dude? No, dude. I'm not okay.

We thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice. I won't let you do it.

We've all got things that we have to do. Yeah.

Well, hello, Dennis! Hi, Mrs. Kelly.

What about the McPoyle brothers? They were prime real estate.

What are you Sorry?

What are you looking for? Photographs. I have photographs.

What are you talking about? You're not getting this?

What do you want? Is your brother here, man? I gotta talk to you guys.

What the hell are you talking about? I didn't like that class.

What? I gotta go!

What? It's about Charlie.

Where he touched you. Oh, yeah.

Whoa. That was really weird. Yeah.

Why not? Because he didn't molest you!

Wow. That's horrible. Did this guy teach you guys?

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah. No.

Yeah. Totally. Molestation?

You do. Charlie Kelly?

You just seem You know, um, I'm just distracted.

You know what I mean? Yeah.

You messed it up! We have to push him!

You're goin' to hell, dude. Seriously.

Your way is dumb, and it's not working. Then we'll play your game.

"as the time period for alleged abuse.

"but the investigation will focus on the mid 1980s...

"Caregiver"? Why are you throwing around big words?

"Christopher Murray, a teacher at St. Vincent's Elementary...

"Murray has been the physical education teacher and boys' basketball coach for 25 years."

[Balls Clacking]

[Bawling]

[Clears Throat] Excuse me. I'd like to, uh, speak to a detective, please.

[Dee] Listen. I think we need to have an intervention.

[Exhales]

[Exhales]

[Man] I think you do.

[Mouths Words]

[Panting]

[Rings]

[Shaky Breathing]

[Sighs]

[Spraying]

[Voices Speaking Backwards]

[Whispers] your ass got molested.

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