☊ Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce

A 10 year old and Jake's girlfriend.

A kick what?

A little crazy's perfect.

A little juvenile, don't you think?

A little more than I like to talk.

A little something different.

A rom com obstacle, you know.

Aaron, take a breath.

Abby liked it.

Abby, Abby, it's fine. Go on a date.

Abby, can I... Can I be honest here?

Abby, enough.

Abby, I said we got it.

ABBY: But I mean, practically speaking,

ABBY: Nate?

ABBY: Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

ABBY: Thank you.

ABBY: Unreal.

ABBY: Well, I'm just glad that Jake has finally moved out of the house.

ABBY: What's that? LILLY: Dad gave it to me.

ABBY: Who was that?

ABBY: Why does she keep sending me these things?

ABBY: Yeah.

ABBY: Yes! MAX: Yeah!

ABBY: You're gonna need... Shit!

Abby.

Abby...

Abby's life going down the toilet, take one.

About how old Becca is, and then you show up with that.

Abs, give yourself a break.

Abs, I'm just trying to figure out how to navigate here,

Absolutely not. I hate those movies.

Actually, Master Monster Six is coming out. Master Monster.

Address these things.

ADELE: Shore up our ranks with their financial generosity,

ADELE: So, for the first time,

ADELE: Thank you all.

Admittedly, I've been going through a lot, but I...

After I call all the parents of the kids Lilly's not friends with.

Aggro!

Ah, breathtakingly gorgeous.

Ah, hold that thought.

ALBERT: Ladies, hello? Yes. Hi.

ALBERT: Lyla, can you believe this woman?

All 2,000 words on how Lord of the Flies

All right, all right. Okay.

All right, back to the not so razor sharp repartee.

All right, bye bye.

All right, well, I am not gonna tell you my,

All right.

All your worries from the day ease away.

Am I being fired? No.

Am I huge? No.

Am I in trouble?

Am I just supposed to pretend that relationship didn't exist?

Amazing.

And again and again and again.

And all the while, my mom gets to be a witness to it.

And am I gonna be able to meet Adele Northrop in person?

And an emergency milk stop.

And arbor day and kid's court and snack bar

And be well represented doing so.

And Dan is using my work hours against me

And Eric is still getting bullied at school.

And every other bullshit holiday

And go home, soak in the tub, drink a glass of wine,

And go to a restaurant where we can talk?

And have one that is more "locker friendly."

And he is primed to jump ship because I got him sole custody of his dog in his divorce.

And he leans into my ear, and he says, "Hey, schmuck.

And he wants you to come over?

And he's in love with your friend Phoebe.

And he's turned on by alliteration.

And he's...

And his wife.

And I am sorry, but you're being really mean.

And I got invited to Xander Price's house next weekend.

And I got the waffle maker for Charlie.

And I have 74 just off the top of my head.

And I have to divorce you, too?

And I hear,

And I need to learn how to deal with it.

And I put an app on your phone so you can control it.

And I suggest you hire a lawyer, because I have.

And I turn around,

And I will pray to the love gods that

And I'm gonna go take Max shopping for a suit.

And I'm gonna like it, damn it.

And I'm here at the fun pocalypse.

And I'm still working on the lineup for Saturday's game.

And I'm telling you, the band is...

And if anything happens, or if you need me, just call me.

And if Diego's thumb doesn't heal, we're screwed.

And if it did, so much the better.

And it ebbs and flows,

And it is not okay for you to sneak out.

And it was somehow very romantic.

And it's not Becca's fault

And it's not good. Not for you and not for the firm.

And it's Paul Newman.

And just think about the hydrological cycle.

And karaoke with Becca Riley?

And Lilly was in heaven.

And listen to him chewing his little Kashi cereal like a farm animal.

And listen, you are not paying me to sit by the phone.

And Max and Lilly...

And no one sent me a map.

And now he's possibly gonna take my children...

And now that I get it, I fell apart.

And on some childish whim, you decide to have a theme night.

And on the other, we're supposed to be

And Phoebe, even more stunning than I imagined.

And possibly losing my children... No, enough.

And question every choice you've made prior to that.

And really bad sex. Terrible sex.

And reschedule the Struger meeting.

And several affidavits have been filed...

And she's holding a stake.

And sit on it and smell it.

And so the great poster capade comes to a close.

And somebody smacks me in the back of the head,

And sort of wrong, but in a good way, in, like a...

And suit.

And talent night and the nose picking Olympics

And thank you for battling alongside us

And that is a good thing.

And that is so brutal on the spouse.

And that the poster got ruined.

And that's all she wrote about.

And that's all the parents of the kids she's friends with and nothing, so.

And the bins should be out.

And the blue is for things that Dad's taking,

And the kid with the ice cream isn't exactly CIA material.

And the mushroom stuff, your favorite.

And the yellow are for things that we can't decide on. (CHUCKLES)

And then all of a sudden, I realized she's just... She's crazy.

And then she punched my friend in the face.

And then they take care of each other's needs,

And then we just happened to run into Becca?

And then you, you're the first person that we've ever been with

And then, of course, my favorite, P.I.B.

And then, tears of joy, story time.

And they get divorced and have terrible sex.

And this should have been happening more.

And to make matters worse, the case worker's coming tonight.

And to remind me that it's trash day,

And to that end, some of the partners are talking about

And toss around some book ideas,

And ventilated vintage tops,

And very short shorts

And we ran into you guys.

And we wanted to give you something as a gesture of our commitment.

And what about the window?

And what's going on over here?

And whenever you're ready, you can turn over.

And you have to come down hard when she starts.

And you know what comes after gay marriage?

And you know, I love the little guy, but he just takes over.

And you must be Phoebe.

And you say, "I do."

And you, you just want me to show up and look good.

And you!

And you're allowed to have that.

And you're texting the married male.

And your attitude and optimism about it...

And your nipples are warm. That's kind of a weird combo.

And, and do it quietly.

And, Lyla, why don't you just try something else on?

Annie, this is Donna.

ANNIE: What do cats have for dessert?

ANNOUNCER: Flight 1302 from Atlanta is now arriving in...

ANOUK: Stop it! (CRASHING)

Anouk!

Answer it, dude. I don't want to lie to her.

Anyway, forgive my lateness.

Anyway, I saw Phoebe today making out with Vika.

Are we going to your new place now?

Are you asleep already?

Are you embarrassed to be here with me?

Are you guys okay?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? We covered everything.

Are you ready?

Are you talking to me?

Are you volunteering at school? Hmm mmm.

Are you wearing a backpack?

Are you? Yeah.

As always.

As you know, associates don't reschedule meetings

Ask Jake or Nate's wife or me.

At a awesome, slightly tacky bachelor rental would work.

At Abby's, okay?

At least I'm not a home wrecking...

At school the other day.

At the Echoplex.

At the top. That one.

AUTOMATED VOICE: You have absolutely no messages.

Aw. Okay.

Awful. Horrible kissing.

Barnes & Noble can't sell a book the author doesn't believe in.

Barry Juck, I think your films are the shit.

Based on what? I might add.

Bathroom's over there. Do you want anything?

Be clever. Be cleverer.

Be of good cheer.

Because he was never home.

Because I am not the one who forgot her sunscreen.

Because I want the company.

Because I'm so effusive with them?

Because it was... They're about to call our names right now.

Because it's a different kind of alone.

Because of the window that you said you would fix.

Because that's not first date material either.

Because these are such good cookies.

Because we need... Well, hello, wait a minute.

Becca Riley? Yeah.

Becca Riley's not coming over, if that's what you're asking.

Best call I've had all week.

Big time.

Blah, blah, blah, I get up onstage,

Blazing up the charts. Okay.

BOTH: Bye. FORD: All right, bye.

BRIDGET JONES: ...is it 4,000 pounds?

Brutus. (LAUGHING)

But do you want to be married to me?

But don't you think monogamy's unrealistic?

But every time it doesn't work out.

But first kiss

But here's the thing.

But I love you. Okay.

But I see you now, a little bit,

But I will say this.

But I will take it into consideration.

But if you're not gonna tell me it's free,

But it's not my fault that you're alone and you can't handle it.

But just try to relax and treat this dinner like any other, okay?

But no, it wasn't her.

But not as much as I love your actual peccadilloes.

But not marriage.

But now it says,

But only if there's vodka for Abby.

But seriously, Mom, that guy's way too young for you.

But Spider Man sheets.

But that one's not as catchy.

But that's because it is alive,

But the heavy stuff, the, the conflict,

But then as we really got to know each other,

But they, they can't have sex.

But tonight, she's gonna be having fun.

But wait. You would remember that.

But we all know that isn't enough.

But we are post bad sex.

But we digress all over the place.

But when I found out that she was a pill addicted shoplifter...

But when it's at my place, you'll still be able to see it

But when my phone rings, it might be the sitter.

But who present our best face to the world.

But you are way beyond that, and it's not good

But you really need to call me

But your kids come first. I get that.

But, um, your dad and I,

By "system," you mean, one rule? (LAUGHS)

By all means, I apologize.

By any objective standard, um, that's interesting.

Bye bye. Bye.

Bye, Mom. How are... Bye.

Bye.

Bye. (BEEPS)

Bye. Bye.

California water tables have dropped to record lows.

Call him in the morning.

Call me, Abby McCarthy.

Call us if you need anything, all right?

Can I get a beer and a vodka tonic? BARTENDER: You got it.

Can meet your needs.

Can we get Lilly please? (SIGHS)

Can we please just not talk about my wife?

Can you believe this?

Can you just bring Phoebe and you and...

Can you just take the costume off?

Can you keep a secret?

Can you move them? Any wounds?

Can you please do something?

Can you really not understand?

Can't it just be our fantasy for a little bit longer?

Can't you just say, "I'm sorry, I should have called"?

Careening down a shame spiral?

Catch and release, catch and release.

Catching my breath...

Cate Blanchett's.

Celebrating those brave pioneers

Change of subject just for a moment.

Charles! I'm out, I'm out.

Charlie and Lilly are bowling with Becca Riley.

Charlie and Logan killed it, and the production design...

Charlie gets to sleep in the perfect movie he'll never see, Spider Wars.

Charlie woke up, and he was upset 'cause I was the only one there.

Charlie, Becca. Becca, Charlie. Hey, Charlie.

Charlie, I was thinking we could go bowling,

Charlie, only two.

CHARLIE: Come on, Dad.

CHARLIE: Hi, Dad. JAKE: Hey, buddy. Come on.

Charlie?

Charlie's still in the car.

Christen? Mmm hmm.

Civil rights are civil rights.

Class up the Paradiso.

Classic story of married boy meets married girl,

Cleo Stevens is a real inspiration.

Cleo Stevens is here.

Closing the door.

Coincidence. I decided to take the kids out,

Come again?

Come here.

Come on out, my friend.

Come on, let me grab you a sec, come here.

Come on, man. Seriously?

Come on, Max and Ford are sitting here too.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on. Okay. Yeah. Here we go.

Come on. You know I can't say.

Community?

Congratulations on your night.

Cormac has no arm from center,

Could be a little devastating.

Could you find me a sandwich? Just nothing with pink meat.

Could you listen to me, please, for a second?

Cute.

Dad found someone awesome.

Dad, check it. I've got, like, 400 likes on Instagram.

Dad, I can spell.

Dad, I can't log in.

Dad, it's your turn. Okay, I'll be right there.

Dad?

Dad? What's going on?

Dad's here.

Damon Cash is... Hey, hey, stop.

Damon Cash.

DAMON: My nose.

DAMON: Your shoulders and lower back are tense.

Dan is going for primary custody,

Dan is gone.

Dan is possibly gonna take my children...

DAN: Bye, guys. SPENCER: Bye, Dad.

DAN: You play to hurt, and not just me, Spencer and Eric too.

Dan?

Danna Brooks grew a pair.

Dead?

Deal? Deal.

Define manage. (LYLA CHUCKLES)

Definitely not the only one. ABBY: Oh, really?

Delia used to represent the executive producer of Blood Sisters.

Delia, thank you so much for interrupting what was probably an awesome evening.

Delia, you look stunning.

DELIA: Abby McCarthy.

DELIA: Barry Juck, our senior partner, Al Wilcox.

DELIA: Women supporting women, that's what it's all about.

Delia?

Delia. Hi, can you make it happen?

Delia. I told her you weren't available until after 3:00.

Did he? Mmm hmm.

Did I get the Xbox hooked up?

Did it ever occur to you that maybe Becca is significant to me?

Did it? No.

Did she snap? I mean, look.

Did you feel guilty after? Did you enjoy it?

Did you forget?

Did you get the Xbox hooked up?

Did you have fun?

Did you think about Jake during?

Did, did Phoebe invite you to her big debut?

Diego, he just messed up his thumb doing karate.

Divorce sucks, and we need to figure out how to be better for you.

Divorcees for family equality, yay!

Do it! Go!

Do you feel better? I mean, I...

Do you have a problem talking with anybody ever?

Do you know what I'm saying?

Do you not know the rules? I can walk you through it.

Do you really not understand?

Do you remember when the girl fight was the big story?

Do you see?

Do you think I didn't... Girl, you know you a big deal.

Do you want anything? No, thank you.

Do you want me to wait in the car so you won't be embarrassed?

Do you want us to come over later?

Does Spider Man do Spider Man y things?

Does Superman fly? Whoa.

Does this donut make me look blonde?

Doing karaoke.

Don't call me in here again.

Don't look at me.

Don't murder Dan. Don't murder Dan.

Don't say anything. Okay.

Don't talk about your wife.

Don't tell her to call Delia.

Don't trash the other person.

Don't try to buy the kids' affections.

Don't worry about Becca with the kids, 'cause she is great.

Don't you dare.

Don't you start with me.

Don't you think we're moving a little fast?

Don't... You needn't finish that sentence. No.

Done.

Donna, this is my mother, Annie.

Donna.

Dr. Marber.

Dude, I'm trying to bail myself out here.

Dude, you know what? Just stop being a pussy and tell her the truth.

Enjoy. (CLICKS TONGUE)

Enough with the "slut". (YELLING) Slut!

ERIC: Good night, Daddy. I love you.

ERIC: Mice cream? (LAUGHS)

Even though you smell like beer.

Every morning, you forget.

Every time. LUCO: I'm telling Mom!

Everybody, Barry, Lyla Straley.

Everybody, go, go back to one, please.

Everybody's applausing and crazy...

Everyone should have the right to un marry

Everything that I do, everything,

Everything, the coaching,

Everything.

Ew.

Except we're not gonna watch TV.

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Falling in love, and getting married.

Farm to table, ethically butchered... Lyla.

Find something that relaxes you,

Fine. Punching out.

First kiss first?

First kiss in the rain, that would be great.

First night without the kids can be a little bit weird.

First times can be weird.

Fix the goddamn window.

For a couple of writers, that's some terrible banter.

For anybody.

For example?

For the married couple?

For the parent to interact with the class.

For us, getting close.

Ford and Max are not an example

Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.

Ford Phillips has been a master of the marketing universe for over a decade.

FORD: Come one, Charlie.

FORD: Hey.

FORD: I got the lamb and you got the chicken.

FORD: Okay, so that horse?

FORD: That play was amazing.

FORD: That was not Lyla.

FORD: Yeah, but our kids are aggressively cute.

Forgive me, I'm so sorry I'm late.

Gay divorce.

Gentlemen, can I get you another bottle of the cab?

Get back on the writing horse.

Get her out of here! You stepping to me, bitch? Huh?

Get in there right now.

GIRL: That's so awesome.

Girlfriends' Guide To The Terrible Teens.

Go tear it up today, gents.

Go to Home Depot. Thank you.

God, no. Just...

God, of course Phoebe and that euro couple are friends.

God, take it. Take it. Shh.

God, this is so stupid. Lilly...

God!

God.

Goes not to an individual, but to a couple.

Good evening, everybody.

Good morning, sunshine.

Gorgeous. Thank you.

Got it.

Got it. Okay.

Grandma gave it to me.

Grandpa's dead.

Great night, Dad. Thanks a lot.

Great work, Delia. Thank you.

Great.

Great. I got to go. Okay, okay, I got it. Bye.

Great. Let's. Have a seat.

Green grocer, small batch, locally sourced,

Grow up, Jake.

Guilt, duty, obligation. Please don't make me call.

Guys, everyone's had a rough night.

Gym bag. Seriously?

Ha. I figured it out.

Had sex.

Have fun at school.

Have her pick up a few and drop them by the house.

Have the animals eaten the zookeeper?

Have we met? Lyla Straley.

Having a wardrobe malfunction. (ALL LAUGH)

Having somebody like you in my life,

He brings it from class to class.

He just wiped his boogers all over your phone.

He says one day I might even be able to meet her.

He seems lovely.

He tugged at my labial flap.

He'll take care of you. Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

He's 28. Okay, wow.

He's a Brit, she's... I don't know.

He's amazing.

He's gone. I'm free.

He's just gonna come to your house.

He's my shortstop and my cleanup hitter.

Hello, sir. Delia Banai.

Her mom is here, and... Oh.

Here we go, Jamie.

Here you go. One for you, for you.

Here's something.

Hey, did you finish your homework?

Hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, hey

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

Hey, hey, hey. You guys, language.

Hey, hey, sorry it took so long to get back to you.

Hey, I need you to move all my afternoon drive bys

Hey, stop, stop, stop.

Hey, superhero, seriously, the window.

Hey, the sitter just texted me. The kids are waiting up.

Hey, what are you wearing to the Family Equality gala?

Hey, what now?

Hey, you two ever looking to score any coke cialis, or whatnot, I'm your guy.

Hey, you.

Hey. Good morning, sunshine.

Hey. Hi.

Hey. Lilly, nice to meet you.

Hey. Okay. I'll see you there.

Hi, Abby. Hi.

Hi, Eudora. NATE: Zayden and Zenon.

Hi, gorgeous.

Hi, hi.

Hi, honey. You look amaze.

Hi, it's me.

Hi, nice to see you. Delia, Merete.

Hi, Vicki?

Hi.

Hi. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

Hi. Delia, I don't think you've met Vika and Merete.

Hi. Guess who got some last night.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hey.

Hi. Hi, Mom.

Hi. Hi, that was fantastic, right?

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Lyla.

Hi. Ladies, hi.

Hi. Oh, Max, as in "Max and Ford."

Hi. This is from Dad.

Hi. This is Lilly.

Hipper than thou and say that I saw the, uh...

His first night at the new place.

Hmm, so was it rebound sex or not so much?

Home wrecking? How about your home, Lyla?

Honestly, I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Honestly, it was a little weird.

Honey, can I talk to you?

Hoo. Wow.

Hookers and blow, obviously.

Hoping for redemption yet

Horrible. Oh, my God.

HOST: Wow, ouch.

Households, everything.

How about a Vicodin?

How about this? I will take the walnut bookshelves

How about you? How about your family?

How about your home, Lyla? How about you?

How are you?

How crazy is that? And guess what? Guess where they took me?

How did we get in here?

How did you even get in?

How do I get a hold of you?

How do you feel about menopause?

How does she do it? I don't know.

How does she do that? 20 minutes.

How else was it just gonna happen?

How hard is it

How horrible. Oh, my God.

How is that going?

How is this all gonna be okay?

How many times have you said that this week?

How would I know?

How would I know? How is this my fault?

How you doing? This is Max.

How'd you find her?

How's Delia?

Huge. Um, seriously,

Huh, do you work on a computer at work?

Hurry up, Mom. We're gonna be late.

I accepted the award,

I already have a suit. Uh uh.

I already have.

I am flattered.

I am gonna give you the younger man experience.

I am incredibly horny.

I am literally old enough to be his mother.

I am so ready. Okay. (GIGGLES)

I am terribly sorry, but I need a huge favor.

I am the sole breadwinner in my house.

I am. CLARK: We've heard so much about you.

I am. I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I apologize for having a job.

I asked you a question. Does your father know you're here?

I asked you for one thing today, keep it simple.

I bet it was.

I came.

I can't afford another lawyer.

I can't be cleverer 'cause I'm distracted by you.

I can't believe I'm missing this.

I can't believe Jake wouldn't fix the window.

I can't believe you did karaoke with Becca Riley.

I can't believe you!

I can't do it.

I can't get behind it. I don't believe in that stuff.

I can't have my man looking all raggedy A S S.

I can't hear anything. YouTube it.

I can't help it. It's like... Like I have apology Tourette's.

I can't imagine why people think you have anger issues, Lyla.

I could bring over some fonuts later.

I dare anyone to see that and question his right to be a dad

I did back him up, but he's launching a major charm attack,

I did everything you would have done.

I did not expect that.

I didn't bring her up. You know what?

I didn't lose her. She played me.

I didn't punch him.

I didn't want to play this card.

I do have something for the anxiety though.

I do not. You're processing. I totally understand that.

I do too.

I do, again and again.

I do! In this case, I do.

I do.

I don't even know how you get a live horse on the stage.

I don't have anger issues.

I don't have anything against her personally, at all.

I don't have time to be doing this, and I already have a suit.

I don't have to deal with his snotty little side glances

I don't have to deal with it, because they have each other for that.

I don't have to talk about Nate if it's gonna make you all...

I don't know if it's Photoshop, or...

I don't know who you are.

I don't know why your wife's nipples are cold.

I don't know, about your ad campaign for pop chips,

I don't know, just keep going.

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't want to freak her out.

I don't know. I'm a feminist,

I don't know. I'm texting him now. "Max, where are you?"

I don't want to be asking it, but it's not for me.

I don't want to know about your feelings all the time.

I don't work, my kids don't go to school.

I don't... I don't know the rules.

I don't... I mean, do you always narrate like that?

I feel like I could wrestle a bear, or a shark, or I don't even know.

I feel like I know you so much better.

I feel like I'm losing everything.

I fell hard.

I get angry from time to time, justifiably, but I manage it.

I get that.

I go to shake Sidney Poitier's hand.

I got it.

I got power bars for Lilly.

I got stuck.

I got the Xbox hooked up.

I got to get a good thumb protocol in place, stem any swelling.

I got to go.

I got to unpack before I pick up the kids.

I guess I'm blue this weekend.

I had no idea that... Stop yelling at me.

I hadn't thought of that,

I hate.

I have a book idea.

I have been arm candy for half an hour.

I have bigger problems.

I have many Jesuses.

I have no more ideas. No, no, no.

I have so much work to do on me, on everything.

I have something for you.

I have to go call Jade.

I have to go pack.

I have to say that I was actually really nervous

I have to take a photo. Come on.

I have to tell you. Okay, okay.

I heard you were the shit, man.

I heard you. Max, please, come on right now!

I hope you didn't go out of your way.

I hope, um... Do you want to just get out of here

I invited myself. This I had to see.

I just can't stand you. Acting class.

I just cannot believe that.

I just had to come by. Lyla says such great things about you.

I just need to feel like I have first dibs.

I just need to figure out which titles you want me to focus on.

I just need, like, a year.

I just want to help. I don't want your help.

I just want to say thank you.

I just want to see him.

I just want to watch my husband do his thing.

I just want you out today,

I just... I want to be with someone that knows who they are,

I just... I wanted to wait till the right moment.

I just... It's for sexy time.

I kind of mean it. I...

I knew that. I was gonna make cookies.

I knew this man and I, we just fit.

I know for you, all are welcome.

I know I am.

I know it's important.

I know it's jarring having a case worker in your home,

I know Vika is the husband... Which one's British?

I know you and Jake go way back,

I know you're under a lot of stress.

I know, and we've been working on getting him to give it up

I know, honey. I know. I really do. I'm gonna go.

I know, I just brought it right back around. Yeah.

I know, I know, I know.

I know, it is a shame.

I know.

I know. He's very socially conscious.

I know. Honey, I'm sorry.

I know. I know. And between that and the mortgage...

I know. I know. I got to... Okay.

I know. I'm doing the best I can.

I know. It's, it's unusual.

I like you. You know that?

I love Eartha Kitt.

I love it so much. Of course.

I love that backpack.

I love that idea.

I love you, honey.

I love you. I love you, too.

I made your favorite, rock shrimp tempura.

I manage it. (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I mean, Abby has home court advantage, literally.

I mean, classic but dated.

I mean, come on, Barry freaking Juck here.

I mean, either I'm way out of practice, or you have a weird mouth.

I mean, exhibit "A," right?

I mean, I don't want to hurt you.

I mean, I have to be honest, I'm not sorry, 'cause I feel you were in the wrong.

I mean, is it awkward because it's our first time,

I mean, isn't it too much?

I mean, it can't be ignored.

I mean, it was a new experience.

I mean, it was good. (SNIFFS)

I mean, it's, like, two days before a game.

I mean, just because I don't go on about my feelings all the time.

I mean, look at him.

I mean, Nate and I haven't even...

I mean, no wonder we're all mainlining sauvignon blanc, right?

I mean, not a shart, no fart...

I mean, on the one hand, we're supposed to work full time,

I mean, otherwise you're just gonna have a nervous breakdown like Abby McCarthy.

I mean, the kid is only 10, and she is, like...

I mean, the kissing was weird

I mean, there's barely a mention of the husband. And then she snaps.

I mean, we don't have to tell.

I mean, we go out, and we talk.

I mean, we spent so much time developing

I mean, you can't blame us for trying, though.

I mean, you know what she's like. Come on.

I mean, you should see him with our boys.

I missed you.

I need a break.

I promise we will not be late for the bake sale.

I promise.

I realize it's a lot to ask at this late hour, believe me.

I really like you, but this has been tremendous, and you got to go.

I really need you all to take the costumes off.

I really screwed up with her, Max.

I said I was sorry.

I said, "Sugar."

I saw her at the Echoplex.

I should just check Lilly into Promises now.

I shouldn't have gone off on you. I am so sorry.

I swear... Lyla, stop yelling at me.

I tend to point a lot and make fists.

I think I need to say my thing before you say yours.

I think I said "might." Might. Just might be there.

I think I sufficiently scared him off.

I think I'm gonna need to go to a hospital.

I think it made her feel very comfortable.

I think it was, like, eight months into my divorce that I realized

I think that bitch just stepped to me.

I think that's how they got across the country.

I think the conversation has moved on, right?

I think the kids are gonna love staying at the Paradiso.

I think we lost her.

I think we should come out to the world.

I think we should take the place across from the grove.

I think you just need to lie to Lilly.

I think you may have forgotten the baking soda, honey.

I think you need some soy sauce.

I thought I was the only one whose night was a disaster.

I thought this might be fun for you,

I thought we were gonna keep things simple.

I thought we weren't gonna introduce the kids to significant others.

I thought you weren't talking to me. Oh, my God.

I told them we will accept the award with honors,

I totally snapped on her about the whole Becca Riley thing.

I understand.

I want the dish. (CHUCKLES)

I want them to want to be here, too.

I want there to be some touchstones, you know?

I want to know who you are.

I want to, you know, be all

I want you to have a great day. ABBY: Hi.

I want.

I wanted to make cookies.

I wanted to see you, Abby.

I was almost in a bar fight.

I was briefly addicted to painkillers for five years.

I was getting more of the orgy vibe. (CHUCKLES)

I was gonna tell you as soon as I came home.

I was gonna tell you before, but it's complicated.

I was just about to call you.

I was there to see The Zigzags.

I was trying to get you some relief... Shh!

I was trying to help you,

I went back to meet the press, and I stink up the place.

I went out with her for a couple of weeks,

I will absolutely introduce you.

I will call her

I will take care of them.

I wish I was in the right place for you.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

I won't hurt you. It's okay.

I would be the only one that would have to be guilty.

I would have killed for a night alone in my house when I was married,

I would probably be in Aspen with Oprah right now.

I yelled until the neighbors called 911.

I, um, I'm going to a club later.

I... I do?

I... Well, you know, we just had an agreement, and...

I'd be happy to be here for story time

I'll see you tonight. Are you going?

I'll take it.

I'll talk to you later.

I'm a full Jew, lady.

I'm a huge fan.

I'm a little crazy.

I'm a muse. She has writer's block.

I'm actually trying to help save Vika's marriage.

I'm celiac.

I'm enjoying a relationship with two men simultaneously,

I'm excited and kind of terrified.

I'm free.

I'm full. I'm gonna go play Xbox.

I'm going to text you his number right now.

I'm gonna drive you. I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna hang up on you now.

I'm gonna print it and hang it over my bed.

I'm gonna see you at the gala. (LAUGHS) Yes.

I'm gonna see you guys in a minute.

I'm gonna sue for full custody.

I'm gonna sue for full custody. What?

I'm grounded, and I lost my phone for two weeks.

I'm guessing he can get us a poster.

I'm hanging out. Oh.

I'm hardly perfect.

I'm just gonna go freshen up, and I'll be right back.

I'm just not good.

I'm just saying I think you should do something about it.

I'm just saying, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

I'm just so anxious.

I'm just tired.

I'm just... Okay. We'll talk later.

I'm kidding.

I'm Kyle, Lilly's boyfriend.

I'm leaving.

I'm looking around like an idiot. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.

I'm multitasking. I'm always multitasking.

I'm not a home wrecker.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm not like you.

I'm not perfect.

I'm not ready to meet your kid.

I'm not stupid. I know she's your girlfriend.

I'm overwhelmed right now.

I'm ready.

I'm really excited about our next guest.

I'm really gonna try, okay?

I'm representing Abby in her divorce.

I'm smoking in my daughter's bedroom. Oh, my God.

I'm so done helping you.

I'm so pumped.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I feel so awful about the other night.

I'm so sorry. It's just a habit.

I'm so sorry. No, it's not.

I'm sorry I make a substantial income

I'm sorry, but story time is supposed to be a chance

I'm sorry, but we think the Girlfriends' Guide franchise is dead.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Call Delia.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. No. No, no, no.

I'm sorry. Okay, let's just go.

I'm sorry...

I'm such a terrible mother.

I'm supposed to be playing with Zach and Chu right now.

I'm sure she is.

I'm taking the night off. Oh, of course.

I'm talking about a more holistic approach,

I'm talking to Lyla,

I'm telling you that if Gayle King had been hit by a car that weekend,

I'm totally kidding. I don't give a shit at all.

I'm with them, but I'm not obligated to them.

I'm... I checked Facebook and Twitter, and I'm on Instagram now, but...

I've been a little busy, you know, moving.

I've been caught consorting with the enemy.

I've been looking for you. You got a sec?

I've got to work, 'cause I'm a working mother

I've got two big jobs I have to finish the plans for,

I've just been so busy, on the run, on the go.

If being with Nate is half as good as emailing him...

If he uses that rolly bag to put his books and stuff in.

If the genders were reversed, you'd be parading him around.

If the house is on fire, you'll never forgive yourself.

If things go south, I will call you, I promise.

If this had happened on my watch, you wouldn't want me to call you?

If this is about Eric's rolly bag, I know.

If you are not downstairs in two minutes,

If you could call this number. Okay, thank you.

If you could shut it because we left it open. So embarrassing.

If you take your brother

If you will hold on to the leather chair we got at the Rose Bowl.

In a perfectly fitting suit standing right next to me, okay?

In like a first act, romantic comedy kind of way.

In Silver Lake.

In the fight for family equality.

In the photo booth at the SoHo.

In your book, you propose what I'll say is a different kind of parenting system.

Is everything okay?

Is going on with me? No, Lyla, that's not what I said.

Is he still trying to get with you?

Is it in English? Thank you, Delia.

Is it that obvious?

Is plastered on my daughter's wall.

Is that better?

Is that it? Yeah.

Is that medical marijuana?

Is that right? Absolutely.

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Is that what we're doing now? No. Of course not.

Is the implication that I don't protect mine,

Is there anything else

Is there gluten in the rice?

Is there gonna be vodka? Oh, yeah.

Is this it?

Is this the divorce pow wow?

Is this what you were looking for?

Is your tongue usually that cold?

Is... Hello?

Isn't it time we got real?

It all comes rushing back.

It almost took my finger off.

It basically advocates child neglect

It beyond works.

It comes with a camelback hydration pack and a safety whistle.

It doesn't bother me.

It doesn't make anyone feel comfortable.

It doesn't matter to me. I'm kidding. Totally kidding.

It is my sincere honor

It just didn't go well the first time.

It just really hurt that all of you were out, you know?

It just, it was a big part of my...

It looks like it's gonna be good.

It looks weird in here.

It means my friends are at Topshop,

It really helped me realize that my marriage wasn't in trouble.

It sends a message to the children

It shouldn't be a story.

It sounded like someone was getting murdered.

It sounds super awkward.

It takes a village, right? (CHUCKLES)

It was a reflexive backhand that connected with his nose.

It was amazing, Mom.

It was good in a lot of ways. Yeah.

It was hilarious.

It was Nate. I'm not talking about it.

It was over.

It was unexpected.

It was weird 'cause it was weird.

It wasn't totally a coincidence, us running into each other.

It wasn't weird 'cause it was bad, right?

It wasn't... Stop. Stop.

It'll work. You just have to drink through it.

It's a little league emergency.

It's a little noisy during the day, quiets down around midnight.

It's a nightmare.

It's a nightmare. My mom wants to be here the whole week

It's a nightmare. There she is.

It's a rolling house.

It's a service, you psycho.

It's a symbol of polyamory, a heart with an infinity loop.

It's Abby. I told her that I would meet her for coffee after drop off.

It's actually luggage.

It's all gonna be okay.

It's all right. Miss McCarthy, my dad manages the band, so...

It's amazing.

It's an authentic kimono.

It's been brought to my attention

It's been scrubbed of humanity.

It's been too long!

It's comfortable, and it has vintage charm.

It's cute, right?

It's emotional infidelity,

It's fine. (SIGHS)

It's game time, honey. Oh, awesome.

It's insane.

It's Jake. That's wonderful.

It's Jake's Becca. That is Becca.

It's just fun and games.

It's just Jake's moving on,

It's just, we got another grievance complaint against you.

It's just...

It's like an adorable punch in the face.

It's little... Couple of lanterns, hand rolled sushi.

It's my brother. Max McCarthy.

It's my night. No, not if you lose her, it's not.

It's not about the titles.

It's not all about P.I.V.

It's not appropriate. No, that's just cultural bias.

It's not funny. It's supposed to be here.

It's not just about the sex part of it.

It's not my fault that the Ivies are allowing idiots to matriculate.

It's not what you think.

It's okay, Will. Maybe we should just go.

It's right out of one of your movies.

It's simple.

It's so basic.

It's so good, Mama. Try it.

It's so old school.

It's so retarded.

It's that like a screw you 'cause of Becca?

It's time for me to kiss your face.

It's TMI. I agree.

It's totally ratchet.

It's... It's wanting.

Jade and Savannah are with Xander and Vinnie.

Jade's all over Xander.

Jake told me he signed the lease today.

Jake, call her.

Jake, he's gone.

Jake, she's lovely.

Jake, she's my sister.

Jake, that's nuclear.

Jake, what's all that noise in the background?

JAKE: Amazing, right? I mean, great Chinese food right next door.

JAKE: Hey. Dad!

JAKE: Oh, no, no, you're the expert.

JAKE: Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

JAKE: So what do you think?

Jake's got it under control. They're bowling with Becca Riley.

Jesus, what percent of that was bullshit?

Jesus, what the hell is that? MAN: Are you serious?

Jesus.

Jimmee.

Juanita!

Juanita's a very gifted storyteller.

Juck needed to move the meeting.

Just 'cause she's your sister. She'll understand that.

Just another minute.

Just call Damon Cash.

Just don't get married again before you get divorced, okay?

Just don't knock it till you've tried it, okay?

Just don't, don't, don't. Okay.

Just for the record, you should never say it like that again.

Just general breathing. (CHUCKLES)

Just go home! Enjoy your revenge sex, okay?

Just haven't synced up yet.

Just lie to Lilly.

Just my pride.

Just no divorce lawyer talk tonight, okay?

Just not on the carpet.

Just someone I used to date. Do you want to maybe...

Just take it easy.

Just tell her that there was a leak,

Just tell him that you're my friend.

Just tell me why.

Just thought I'd offer. I totally get it.

Just try and relax.

Just, just go to bed. Do something.

Just... Just get out.

Just... When's the last time you cried?

Karate.

KATH: People think our lifestyle's unrealistic,

Kathy's in a committed polyamorous relationship, just like us.

Keep going, just keep going. Yeah, keep going.

Keep your phone charged.

Kind of hard...

Ladies and gentlemen,

Last night.

Last week when you stabbed Sebastian after he kissed you and stole your life force?

Leadership award

Leftovers Dad cooked, special for you.

Let alone the "I just won an Oscar for Best Screenplay."

Let me see here.

Let me see.

Let your mind float away.

Let's go do it. Let's go do it.

Let's go to the table and mock people.

Let's go. What the hell, huh?

Let's just keep going.

Let's just let it happen.

Let's just stay for a few songs.

Let's never, ever, ever have sex again.

Lieutenant Adele Northrop.

Like Anne Hathaway, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Like it's who can be the better parent? Really?

Like T.I.V.

Like what?

Like, a vodka tonic, or... Oh, sorry.

Like, do you have to comment on all the proceedings?

Like, from a great distance.

Like, the greatest meet cute in the history of romantic comedies?

Likewise.

Lills? My God.

Lilly, could you pass that Moo Shu?

Lilly, hey.

Lilly, watch it.

LILLY: I'm coming. God.

LILLY: Mom?

LILLY: Oh, shut up.

LILLY: What are the colors for?

Listen, just as everyone should have the right to marry,

Listen, Rachel is why I was embarrassed.

Little less crazy down here. Yeah.

Look at this great shot.

Look at you.

Look at you. You got laid.

Look, I was thinking for tonight,

Look, it's not okay for you to lie to us,

Look, there's no way that you could have known

Look, we did have an agreement, and I'm sorry.

Looks good to me.

Love you, Abby. I love you guys.

Love your face.

Luco! (LUCO AND ANOUK ARGUING)

Lunch, dinner, lunch again, like, three day BFFs.

Lyla at 70% enraged is a great attorney and an asset to this firm,

Lyla, come on, you've been through, what, six assistants in the last four months?

Lyla, have a seat.

Lyla, is everything okay?

Lyla, it's me, Abby.

Lyla, we are not bashing Delia tonight.

Lyla, you really outdid yourself.

LYLA: (GASPS) Oh, my God.

LYLA: Abby saw you kissing the euro hubby at school the other day.

LYLA: Damn it.

LYLA: For what? A gift card for Barnes & Noble.

LYLA: I know. I know.

LYLA: I told you, 60/40 I could keep a secret off the clock.

LYLA: Just put the bag down.

LYLA: Of course.

LYLA: Oh, great, great.

LYLA: Okay. Mmm hmm.

LYLA: Thank you, Wayne. Thank you.

LYLA: This divorce has turned into a full blown custody battle,

LYLA: Um.

LYLA: What a dick move.

LYLA: What about picking up my dry cleaning?

LYLA: What does that entail?

Lyla.

Lyla. ...bills.

Lyla. It's like a Wookiee life debt.

MAN: (SCREAMING) Stella!

MAN: I can't stand here looking at you!

MAN: I never felt the way I do.

MAN: Stella!

MAN: You're welcome. Get a drill.

Marriage, I mean, it's messy, and it's hard,

Married Nate?

Max and I thank you all for coming

Max, I did a bad thing.

Max, it's all right.

Max, my love, you need to stay out of this.

Max, please, come on! Go, go, go, go.

Max, welcome.

MAX: And he made you run home? Classy.

MAX: Good stop! Oh!

MAX: Oh, we're gonna switch.

MAX: Ready? Let's do it.

MAX: There you go! There you go!

MAX: Wait, wait, so what did you end up going with?

MAX: You're flirting. She's aflutter.

Max! Ford, I'll be right in!

Max! Max, come on, we're up.

Max.

May move the kids to LA.

Maybe a Shiraz this time.

Maybe five. That's... No.

Maybe I just sleep with these people on my free nights

Maybe I'm not incredibly horny.

Maybe it's a good thing.

Maybe she didn't.

Maybe she is.

Maybe we should go out and do something fun.

Maybe we should just try it again.

Mediators are jackals.

Merete actually has a piece at an art opening tonight.

Merete is the husband.

MERETE: Oh, do we have to?

Message received.

Missy.

Missy. Back Burner Baby.

Mmm hmm. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Mmm hmm. It's so easy.

Mmm hmm. Lilly, Dad's here.

Mmm hmm. Might have had sex with him

Mmm hmm. She's sucking up.

Mmm mmm. No.

Mmm mmm. That was a man.

Mmm, love you. Come on.

Mmm! Get over here.

Mmm.

Mmm. (KEYPAD CLICKING)

Mmm. C'est bien ma fille.

Mmm. It's okay. It's just Mr. Rosenberg's acting class again.

Mmm. So good.

Mmm. Ta da!

Mom, please.

Mom, we're gonna be late.

Mom. I'm sorry.

Mommy just said, "Shit."

Mommy Needs Candy Too.

More time for yourself. The kids'll be fine.

Morning, ladies.

Move it.

Mwah.

Mwah. Thank... You have no idea.

My bad. Sorry.

My brand is dead.

My career is over. No.

My child's crying.

My divorce attorney is actually great.

My ex husband's girlfriend

My friends are onto us.

My husband is, uh,

My Instagram blew up last night.

My kids, my brother, all having fun without me.

My suits are fine.

My tongue's not cold.

My vagina?

NARRATOR: Previously on Girlfriends' Guide To Divorce...

Nate and I have been texting,

Nate sex? No.

Nate sex. Okay.

Nate, you are married, and that makes me guilty.

NATE: Hey, guys, come on out.

NATE: I got to say, wouldn't this be,

NATE: Morning, Enzo.

NATE: Oh, my God.

NATE: Okay. Come with me.

Nate. I thought you backed him up.

Never let it be said I did not go the extra mile for a client.

Nick, 36.

No clue. There's nine players on field.

No meeting significant others till they're actually significant.

No offense.

No others until they're significant.

No problem.

No way. I never wanted that awful thing. It smells.

No, actually, that's my wife's cell.

No, because I've been begging you to tell me this story.

No, but it belongs here. He can't do that.

No, he's my physical therapist, body worker guy.

No, I can't. I can't have it. I'm just saying.

No, I didn't think so. Yeah.

No, I don't know what that means.

No, I just, you know, first kiss on the doorstep?

No, I like my kids, but I think that might be a genetic trick.

No, I only ran to my car, okay?

No, I sound like such a douche.

No, I'm actually looking forward to a little bit of me time.

No, I'm not gonna stay long.

No, it has to be season two.

No, it is a little.

No, it sounds kind of like a bird with a dildo beak.

No, it's a shoulder mounted survival kit.

No, it's Melissa sending me more stuff on that new author, Cleo Stevens,

No, it's not really okay.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

No, Lilly.

No, Lyla. That I somehow deserve what

No, no, I know you exist.

No, no, it's not you. It's not you. It's, uh...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. (SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

No, no, no. Eartha Kitt. Eartha Kitt.

No, no, not a meat steak.

No, no, that's good. Should I be more aggressive?

No, no, Vika's the husband.

No, no, your dad is an amazing man.

No, no.

No, not Nate. I'm talking about your brother.

No, not you. Dad.

No, of course not, but look, right now everyone is really raw.

No, please don't make me. She will own me.

No, sorry. You are glowing.

No, stop talking.

No, sweetie. No! Please?

No, that's not happening.

No, uh, my apartment's just around the corner from here.

No, we don't. We don't.

No, we like to do this kind of thing a lot, right?

No, we're going to school now, and then tonight,

No, why? Does he know you are?

No, you come on. No, you come on.

No, you come on. You come on.

No, you're incredibly horny, honey.

No, you're not forgetting. You're resisting.

No! No, that is my friend Will.

No? It's not a contest, Jake.

No? Okay, thank you anyway. Bye.

No.

No. I know, I know...

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No, no, no.

No. No.

No. No. Yes.

No. Oh, no, no, no, no, it's...

Nobody has cold nipples.

Nobody. I'm not, I'm not.

Nobody's perfect, and certainly I'm not.

None taken.

None. None percent.

Nope, she definitely did.

Not a human time bomb.

Not Costco cheese platters and Cards Against Humanity.

Not for Jake, not for your sister, and not for you.

Not really.

Not yet.

Not yet. Not yet.

Nothing good can come from getting involved in this,

Nothing. Lilly.

Now I'm gonna hug you without embarrassing you, because I love you.

Now that we are legally man and man and kid and kid,

Now you're alone.

Now, for God's sake, can we dance now or what?

Now, having said that, let me speak to the advantages of power tools.

Now, I, like...

Number of calls from ex boyfriend...

Number of current boyfriends, zero.

Obviously, generally speaking, we don't have a bond.

Obviously.

Obviously. (LAUGHS) Obviously.

Of course I forgot the baking soda.

Of course I'm right.

Of course you do.

Of course, we have to christen the place.

Of course. Oh, my God.

Of what a gay family should look like.

Off to the side. Off to the side. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. I never miss the FEC gala.

Oh, are we talking about the rebound sex?

Oh, come on, tell the story.

Oh, come on. It's not first date material.

Oh, crap. Jesus, God, no.

Oh, crap. Oh.

Oh, dad's taking the smelly chair?

Oh, hey, Jake, 31.

Oh, hi, Mariska.

Oh, I am, like, I'm shaking.

Oh, I bet she was.

Oh, I love that word. Yeah, me too.

Oh, I... Sorry, I just keep forgetting.

Oh, I'm not avoiding, just coffee ing.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Just... Just go on. Go on.

Oh, look who's talking. We're done.

Oh, Lyla, perfect timing.

Oh, Lyla.

Oh, my God, do you look fabulous.

Oh, my God, from an unsolicited sexual encounter.

Oh, my God, give me a bite of that right now.

Oh, my God, I am so high...

Oh, my God, I just found a finger. (DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, my God, I love adventures.

Oh, my God, is that it?

Oh, my God, nobody did. My twitter feed blew up.

Oh, my God, nobody told me. Nobody called me.

Oh, my God, you are our knight in shining Armani.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Bye.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. She's so great.

Oh, my God. You incredible hypocrite.

Oh, Phoebe, when you know, you know.

Oh, please don't look so shocked

Oh, please, come on. I'm dying.

Oh, right. (GROANS)

Oh, she's here. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, that's great. How'd you pull that off?

Oh, that's your friend Will? Yes.

Oh, the bullying?

Oh, there's... They're just playing make believe.

Oh, this is good.

Oh, this wasn't good.

Oh, uh, freeze!

Oh, uh, I went Star Wars comforter,

Oh, yeah, I saw all these school papers just lying around,

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, I'm in trouble.

Oh, yes.

Oh, you cannot avoid me.

Oh, you haven't gotten back to me about the forensic accounting.

Oh, you look so pretty. Thank you.

Oh, you mean the guy in the little booth.

Oh, your mouth is saying, "Wait," but it is feeling very, "Go" down here.

Oh!

Oh! Good stop!

Oh! Mom! Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh! Okay.

Oh! Stop. Come on.

Oh.

Oh. And maybe open your mouth a little bit?

Oh. CHARLIE: Mom!

Oh. Come on in. Don't be scared.

Oh. NATE: Perfect.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh...

Oh. Ooh.

Oh. Or a little devastating.

Oh. Um, Omar?

Oh...

Okay, Abby saw you kissing the euro hubby

Okay, also, I'm gonna get chakra realignment...

Okay, continue to be a pussy until we figure it out, okay?

Okay, fine. I need money.

Okay, guys.

Okay, I said I'll take care of it, Abby.

Okay, I'll be there. I'll be there in a second.

Okay, I'll tell you what. You give me a call.

Okay, look, I'm gonna call Mariska,

Okay, no, no, no, no.

Okay, okay, fine.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay, one,

Okay, see you.

Okay, she might buy it if you back me up.

Okay, so I got to meet Phoebe for a bite,

Okay, so I have this whole weekend carved out.

Okay, so what can I get you?

Okay, stay calm. Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, the point, the point being...

Okay, this is Abby. This is my mother, Annie. Yes.

Okay, um, we should...

Okay, um, you know what?

Okay, wait. (CHUCKLES) Wait, wait.

Okay, well, I can't help it.

Okay, well, if you do hear anything, you... Right.

Okay, well, she can do that any night of the week,

Okay, when you guys said you wanted to take it to the next level...

Okay.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Okay. Back in my day, we called that a DJ.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Bye. We'll be back.

Okay. Go find your sister.

Okay. Here we go.

Okay. I'm serious.

Okay. Keep going. Stop talking.

Okay. Kowalski, quiet!

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Ready?

Okay. Thank you.

Okay. Then, take you on a little adventure.

Okay. There's V.O.V.

Okay. Uh... (CELL PHONE CHIMES)

Omar, take a left on lvar.

On Amazon, you're selling just below, Why Cats Paint.

On it. Bye. Okay.

One train, two tunnels sounds like a serious supply and demand issue.

One year younger than you are.

Only a little.

Ooh, Catwoman.

Ooh, oh

Ooh, oh Oh, no, no, no.

Ooh, stop saying that word.

Ooh, that was sneaky.

Ooh, what the... It's not awkward.

Ooh, who got you all aflutter?

Or are we just physically incompatible?

Or if you wanted to go out,

Or Max has just texted you he's not gay anymore,

Or our right to be a family.

Or the fact that she's 10.

Or the sound of breathing.

Or the sweet smell of man gas in the morning.

Or Vika likes very high boots

Or we could play Monopoly. Lame.

Or you're getting it on with Mr. Donut.

Our fabulous rainmaker.

Our jobs, our kids. Yeah.

Our kids go to the same school and divorce stuff.

Our peccadilloes.

Parent volunteers may not send a proxy.

Partnership is but a stone's throw away for this lady, right, Lyla?

Paul Newman just smacked me... Smacked you in the head.

Peccadilloes.

Penis in vagina.

People are finding each other,

People pack auditoriums to watch guys play vinyl.

Phoebe was kissing the male,

Phoebe, I think you may have misunderstood.

Phoebe, us bringing you here tonight was a big step for us.

Phoebe, why don't you buy your boots?

PHOEBE: Abby. Huge deal.

PHOEBE: Come on. MAX: Let's go.

PHOEBE: Dirty dog. I'm gonna see you later.

PHOEBE: Don't worry about it. No one cares about that, honestly.

PHOEBE: I won't try to help anymore. Quiet down.

PHOEBE: I'm so sorry.

PHOEBE: Is that Becca Riley?

PHOEBE: Not gonna lie.

PHOEBE: Oh, my God. Just take it easy.

PHOEBE: Yeah. Just fix the damn window.

Physical space, and our pheromones

Please don't close. Don't close.

Please don't tell me it's sad in the sack Nate.

Please just go. Go back inside, please.

Please put that down. No. No. Put it down.

Please tell the Disney people that I'm about to...

Please welcome last year's recipient,

Please, come on. The skin, the hair.

Please, don't, no!

Please, for the love of God, will you just do this?

Please?

Please? You would make my life.

Pleasure.

Plus I did some extra credit in French.

Point taken.

Posters are whatever.

Prince showed up at Downey's party,

PRINCIPAL BARROWS: I understand that divorce can be a trying time,

Prize is just like, you're gonna go 19 next or whatever you... Oh, boy.

Probably not.

Professionally, I can, but off the clock, it's a crapshoot, lady.

Put down a rug or two.

Quiet!

Rachel, come on. Who are you here with?

Rain keeps falling

Rain keeps falling down

Really? How so?

Really? No, I did not.

Really? Sneaking phone calls?

Redirecting that nervous energy.

Relax. I got it.

Remember when we saw Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark?

Reveal?

Right, what am I talking about?

Right, you just got to figure each other out.

Right?

Right? Ah...

Right? It's like what Jake and I didn't have, at least not in the end.

Right? Right.

Right? Well, except it doesn't suck.

Right? What a douche!

Right. Okay.

Right. You outbid Clooney for the puppy in the live auction.

Rocking the boots.

Rosenberg, seriously!

Run!

Screw the sitter.

See this? Yeah.

See you later, buddy. Bye.

Seems sad and desperate and mid lifey.

Seriously, he promised that she would not be coming over.

Seriously, Jake? Look, it's a long story.

She and Becca are in the same peer group.

She has a point.

She has a very casual relationship with reality.

She is 61.63% of my age, for the record.

She is busy tonight.

She is definitely not a lesbian.

She says, "Yes, I am.

She spent 14 years hyper focused on her kids,

She wanted to go to a kickback today with some friends.

She wants the kids, she has to suck up to get the kids in here?

She wants to meet you.

She was relevant once.

She who? Do you know what?

She will forgive you. (SCOFFS)

She will hold it over me.

She's a nightmare.

She's a really big Blood Sisters fan.

She's a teenager.

She's an animal, but she's my animal.

She's been really testing the boundaries lately.

She's from somewhere that's not here.

She's going to meet us with the poster in 20 minutes.

She's gonna be having so much fun that you guys'll wish you had less fun.

She's got a little more heft.

She's kidding. Oh, my ass I am.

She's never gonna forgive me.

She's really talented, and maybe you can drop by.

She's the author of the best selling advice book Back Burner Baby:

She's totally freaking out 'cause her mom

She's wearing a black halter and black shorts,

She's your sister.

Shh, shh.

Shh.

Shh. Shh. Shh. (CHUCKLES)

Shit!

Shit.

Short of that, you text me.

Should that be an oxymoron?

Shut up. What's wrong with you?

Shut your piehole, ass munch.

Shut your piehole.

Sidney Poitier. And...

So a Porsche, a divorce, and a girlfriend half your age.

So an apology...

So check it out.

So close!

So figure out a way to dial it down.

So get in the car. I will meet you there.

So he can have some real furniture at his place.

So here you are.

So how many times do I have to call you, huh?

So I can't do any divorce talk right now,

So I made it my mini mart.

So I made my oatmeal chocolate chip, okay?

So I need to figure out something.

So I need to put in some serious face time with the kids,

So I thought that I would help you get organized.

So I'm basically deaf.

So I'm totally supported.

So if you had found her before I knew, would you not have told me?

So if you want to call and tell me tuition is free,

So is everybody okay?

So it's too bad you kicked him out, huh?

So just go enjoy yourself, okay?

So just imagine a handsome man

So maybe we should start. Absolutely.

So much better. (GRUNTS)

So ready to go.

So she's into girls again?

So Sidney Poitier finally opens the envelope,

So that you can be popular?

So the parents can drink and have more sex.

So they can rub their perfect marriage in my face.

So this is just the opening act. The band is amazing.

So we'll have one more drink here.

So we're gonna see each other.

So what about Nate, married Nate?

So what about Nate?

So what are you doing tonight that's so much fun?

So you think what I need is a back rub?

So you're either flirting,

So you're just gonna trade on Becca Riley's fame

So your night, was it mind blowing?

So, Cleo, this book's generating a lot of chatter.

So, do not turn this around on me.

So, how do you know Phoebe?

So, if you could just focus, we can get through this faster.

So, well. It's going well.

So?

So...

Sold to blue.

Some salve for your wounds?

Somebody has something to share.

Sometimes I feel like you just want to be married.

Sorry, bud. Come on.

Sorry, buddy.

Sorry, that was from before.

Sorry.

Sorry. God, what are you wearing?

Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. WOMAN: Let's go, everybody.

Sorry. You know what? Seriously, don't!

Speaking of, where is Miss Lyla?

Special order ricotta gnocchi, chanterelles, and sage brown butter.

Spencer's mom, Ms. Straley, sent me to read to the children.

Stomachache, they're dropping him off.

Stop it.

Stop me telling me I'm angry.

Stop talking.

Stop. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Sugar! Sugar!

Sweetie, give me the phone.

Sweetie, I know. I know. I'm trying.

Take 'em off, and then when you come back,

Take a look to see what's selling for your next thing.

Take care of yourself so you're not taking it out on everybody else!

Take him home. It's a school night.

Take these off. Okay.

Tell me your troubles and doubts

Telling me that there's a suit sale at Nordstrom

Terrible movies. God, his movies are awful.

Terrible.

Terrible. What is it, Monster Mash?

Thank you all for being here, and welcome

Thank you for understanding.

Thank you so much for the poster, by the way.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much. Congrats.

Thank you so much. Oh.

Thank you, and thank you, Adele.

Thank you, Phoebe Godmother.

Thank you, Wayne. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. ABBY: She is amazing.

Thank you. I love this dress.

Thank you. I love you.

Thank you. It looks perfect.

Thank you. What's this?

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thanks for coming. Forgive me.

That cannot possibly work.

That costs me a fortune.

That doesn't... That's not an invitation.

That fantasy didn't exist yet.

That is beside the point. I called everybody.

That is so odd.

That is when the adventure begins.

That Jake is a midlife cliche.

That leaves about zero minutes for ourselves.

That makes me angry.

That makes me very happy for the health of Gayle King.

That means I'm gonna go to my book editor, Melissa,

That must be very hard for you.

That says I have a chronic anger management problem.

That someone his age would be into me.

That store on La Brea is closed.

That the Oscar story is a post first kiss story.

That they're not your priority.

That was a good start. Yeah?

That was awesome.

That was one of Ford's assistants

That was past tense. No...

That was weird.

That we moms have been drip fed for, like, the past 20 years.

That we wouldn't have anything to talk about in person,

That we've both felt the same way about.

That when the fantasy is behind you,

That you sent your nanny

That, that is crazy.

That's a little too Annie Hall.

That's a little weak.

That's a terrible word.

That's all you have to do. Mmm hmm. Mmm hmm.

That's annoying.

That's great.

That's home wrecking. Oh, my God, so clever.

That's incredible.

That's Mommy's toy.

That's my favorite.

That's not a light saber.

That's not a mother's job. A mother's job is to protect her children.

That's not fair. It's exactly fair.

That's not really the point.

That's okay. PHOEBE: Finally.

That's really what I want to know.

That's ridiculous.

That's sick. He's, like, my age.

That's so crazy, right?

That's some pretty deep stuff there.

That's sweet.

That's tonight? Yes.

That's trauma.

That's very annoying. And the book is ridiculous.

That's what I said.

That's what I'm talking about.

That's what it has to be.

That's what she told her friends to say if they wanted what I give Phoebe.

That's what taking that vow is about,

That's, like, basically impossible.

That's, like, double the emotional needs.

That's, that's the Bronsons' car.

That's... That is a first.

The band's amazing.

The bushwhack setting's a little Aggro I get it.

The cable is hooked up. I got the Wi Fi hooked up.

The case worker's gonna be here any minute.

The cavalry arrives in a Prius.

The chanterelles!

The comforts of home.

The enemy?

The Family Equality Council's leadership award

The first called Ben, the other, Jerry.

The hydro cycle, the evaporation of 200 extra gallons of water.

The idea of getting married,

The internet was working this morning,

The kids grew up there. I want them to...

The kids will love that. It's $4,500 a month.

The Kogi truck stops at the Yogurtland on Hollywood in 10 minutes.

The light's so beautiful in here.

The lying prick.

The married male.

The mornings aren't for talking.

The Paul Newman part alone would have literally melted my brain,

The pink is for the things that I'm keeping,

The pitcher throws to the catcher.

The possessiveness, the... The drama.

The rest are vermin.

The ricotta gnocchi?

The rules in the school handbook are very clear.

The shit gets real, y'all.

The thing is, you know how I feel about you.

The threesome got weird. Go on. (ABBY CHUCKLES)

The way it made me feel...

The whole thing is just a little fast. That's all.

Then don't answer it.

Then I'll go.

There is no book tour.

There is one more at a store on Hollywood Boulevard.

There she is.

There's an acting class next door, okay?

There's no other source of income,

There's something I need to say.

There's the front door,

These fully immersed mommy copters.

These two people, they're just perfect for each other,

They don't have it.

They make me feel like I know how to dance.

They prey on the idea of "a good divorce."

They wanted to marry my ass.

They, uh, they moved the Juck meeting to 2:00.

They? Who they? Who they?

They're an example of what all families should look like.

They're an... You know what? It's none of your business.

They're at Hollywood and Highland.

They're for contemplating suicide.

They're super tight. What?

This afternoon, I shall be dazzling potential client, Barry Juck.

This card was declined too.

This guy's too old for... I should kick this guy's ass. No, no...

This incredibly deep connection

This is important.

This is it, mama.

This is killing me. I'm literally dead.

This is lacking, you know?

This is like Bad Parenting 101!

This is my friend, Will.

This is our time.

This is serious.

This is the table where they stow the divorced ladies.

This is why I love you.

This looks... It looks so delicious.

This man made me dream about forever.

This place has a huge gym, a huge pool, and a hot tub.

This shows she's my actual friend.

This vodka's not working.

This was way better. Right? This was way better.

Those crazy kids.

Those were really good emails. Emails, yeah.

Thought I would try that. Okay. You needn't.

Three months ago, when my father died.

Three, Girlfriends' Guide

Throw some artwork on the walls. Yeah.

Thwack and schwink.

To buy a suit that was designed in this century,

To fix the goddamn window?

To Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.

To Hollywood Boulevard!

To pay for your

To present this year's Family Equality Council's

To show that I am an absentee parent,

To story time.

To the Family Equality Council's 15th Annual gala.

To the one time I had to be at my children's school?

To then fall out of love

To Working Moms Working It Out,

To Working Out While Working It.

Totally. You don't even know.

Tremendous.

True story. Wow.

True, but whales trump partners.

Trust me, okay? There's nothing left to say.

Trust me, someday Lilly is gonna be like,

Trust me.

Two million in billables for Loeb & Loeb last year,

Two, Girlfriends' Guide...

Ugh!

Ugh! So we have some court appointed minion

Uh huh.

Uh, but I get to say my thing right after.

Uh, can... Would you excuse us for a second?

Uh, do we have photo paper?

Uh, hey, can I call you back?

Uh, if you call me a pimp one more time,

Uh, Jesus.

Uh, jumping the gun.

Uh, Lyla,

Uh, maybe we could borrow your divorce lawyer.

Uh, no, I got it under control.

Uh, okay.

Uh, the secret Oscar story.

Uh, unavoidable work complication.

Uh, what? At the same time.

Uh, you were saying? Yes.

Uh...

Um, bowling? Yeah, I love bowling.

Um, cheese dumpling things.

Um, first kiss in the jazz section of a vinyl store with a box of Kung Pao?

Um, he likes to talk,

Um, look, I'm just not ready for him to meet you yet.

Um, my son was supposed to be spending the night there.

Um, no, no, no.

Um, oh, a black strappy number and a healthy dose of irony.

Um, that...

Um, this isn't working. We don't fit.

Um. It was great seeing you.

Um...

Um... Prostate cancer.

Use it. It won't make you a lesbian,

V.O.V.

Vika and Merete are waiting.

Vika, we have another situation.

VIKA: Nice to meet you ladies.

Wait, did you post it to Instagram?

Wait, does that mean I'm not huge?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. What about the sex?

Wait, who's he?

Wait, you're not gonna yell at me and tell me what a crappy brother I am?

Wait. Juck, producer Juck?

Wait. Really? Yes.

WAITER: Enjoy.

Was I "stepping to her"?

Was inspired by William Goldman's experiences in World War II?

Was she drinking? No, she was making out with an older guy.

Was this kind of what you had in mind

Watch me interact with my kids to see if I'm fit.

We all are.

We all did.

We are all so excited that you're here.

We are driving away without you.

We are having sex.

We are in a relationship

We are now not only post bad kiss,

We are together. Me and Vika and Merete are together.

We can have sex.

We can talk later.

We can try again.

We can't go down this road again.

We could play charades or something.

We could.

We did. Relationship troubles.

We got Annie Leibovitz up there with the camera,

We got to get going. I know.

We had a deal.

We have carpool tomorrow together,

We have covered that. LYLA: Shh.

We just click, you know. I get it. I get it, okay?

We just feel very lucky to have met such an amazing woman.

We love you. Thank you.

We meant we wanted you to meet our community.

We met at the Arianna Huffington Save the Dolphins benefit last year.

We should go.

We signed contracts. You sent me a check.

We suck right now.

We used to take care of each other,

We want you to think about moving in with us so we can share parenting,

We went gender normative.

We were worried that not everyone is so accepting.

We will be there in five minutes.

We'll get at that.

We're friends, and you're not gonna pick sides

We're going to the land of yogurt.

We're gonna have a normal family dinner, just like always,

We're gonna talk to each other and have a... A really enjoyable time.

We're in love with you.

We're leaving now.

We're poly, although I guess the new PC term is ethical non monogamy.

We're really proud of him, but... It's okay.

We're so glad that you came tonight.

We've been bragging.

We've been crazy lately, and you have every right to be mad at us.

We've been looking so long for our third,

We've given her a gift.

We've had an exciting year, and we're gonna have an exciting evening

Weird how?

Weird. That wasn't good.

Well, adorable Logan,

Well, because when your phone rings, the crisis is,

Well, he's having a rough time with the kids.

Well, his nose is broken.

Well, I mean, I was fantasizing about doing other things.

Well, I should be home writing, but I am here with you.

Well, I think it's 'cause I'm calling out all the B.S.

Well, I'm gonna pray to the thumb gods on Diego's behalf.

Well, I'm really not sure.

Well, I'm sorry, but she is the perfect example of what I'm talking about.

Well, if that's the case, then you fail.

Well, it happened.

Well, it's a step up from eating them.

Well, my wife's nipples were cold all the time.

Well, on that, she and I agree a little bit.

Well, so I'll talk to you tonight?

Well, the kids had a great time,

Well, the team here has a very exciting idea for you.

Well, then why are you acting all the time

Well, this isn't exactly the meeting that I was expecting to have, Melissa.

Well, trust me, no one in this club is your age, Lilly.

Well, we're biracial gay, and you were a big...

Well, what are the the****utic qualities of your vagina

Well, why should Clooney win, right? (LAUGHS)

Well, yeah.

Well, you know, take what she says with a grain of salt.

Well, you may have mentioned that that was your mini mart,

Well, you'd probably be doing something nasty with that paramedic.

Well, you're the clever one.

Well... I looked like an idiot.

Well... That's a lot of little steps.

What a coincidence, because I have something I need to say.

What a warm welcome.

What about the poster?

What an absolute shit show tonight would be.

What are the the****utic qualities of your vagina?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing when they're that high?

What are you doing?

What are you drinking?

What card?

What did he make?

What did you think we meant?

What do you mean?

What does that even mean?

What happened to story time? (CLEARS THROAT)

What have I done?

What if they ask me for I. D?

What is happening?

What is it?

What is that?

What is there to understand?

What just happened? MAX: There you go.

What language is that?

What possible story would cover you and us

What the hell are you doing here?

What were doing at the Echoplex?

What would the sequel be?

What you're doing is actually more intimate.

What, are you having a relationship with your operating system?

What?

What? I'm just saying

What? I'm sorry. I know.

What? It's the thing in the mommy market right now,

What? Kyle, can you please just give us a minute?

What? Look what Lilly posted on Instagram.

What? Oh!

What? What? Am I hurting you?

What? Yes, I'm sorry.

What'd I do?

What's going on?

What's going on? Where is everybody?

What's up?

What's with all the cloak and dagger?

Whatever happened to two fingers and your imagination?

Whatever it is,

When Harry met Sally and Harry talked about pooping in his pants.

When I had my back surgery,

When I have the kids, you're off the clock,

When Lilly sees it, she's gonna lose her mind.

When was the last time we came here? (CELL PHONE RINGS)

When you said just uh, let it happen?

When you say "together," what does that...

Where is Max, by the way?

Where were we?

Where were you? Mayor Garcetti wanted to talk Dodgers.

Where would I be without you?

Where?

Where'd you get this cool light saber?

Which I'm not gonna go for because he's married.

Which is why you should tell me your super secret Oscar story.

Which, in my opinion,

Whitney.

Who are the Bronsons?

Who are you flirting with?

Who doesn't tell someone their grandfather's dead?

Who has cold nipples?

Who help us lead the fight for our most basic civil rights.

Who knew the pioneers could be such amazing t****ze artists?

Who knows what's gone on in there?

Who puts a heart over an I?

Who said you were an idiot?

Who's Diego? (SIGHS)

Who's overworked and underpaid is gonna come to my home,

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa. Abby, you still with us?

Whoa...

Whoo!

Whoo! Now, about Will.

Whoo. (ALL LAUGHING)

Whore. Get her out!

Why are there post its everywhere?

Why are we even talking.

Why are you thanking her?

Why can't you just go?

Why didn't you call me?

Why do you think I stayed married to him all these years?

Why do you think it's hitting such a nerve?

Why don't you figure out what's making you so goddamn angry?

Why not? That is fate.

Why what? Why your divorce has to ruin my life.

Will you please tell my husband pajama pants are not acceptable drop off wear?

Will you restore the humanity?

Will, this is my daughter, Lilly. You guys are on a date?

Will, wow. Hi.

WILL: Hey! Ugh!

WILL: Hey. Um, I don't think so.

WILL: Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Will!

Will.

William Golding.

With a boatload of mouths to feed.

With the sage brown butter and the gooey brown sauce?

With the, with the line of work that you're in.

With this guy?

With three people, there are exponentially more ways to get off,

With whom you have chosen

Without clearance from all the partners.

Without ever really sharing the same

WOMAN: You make me want to puke!

Won't let her wear mascara to school.

Woodland Hills. That's ridiculous.

Working, making dinner, it's not important to you.

World's most dedicated little league coach, it's ridiculous.

Would an apology help here?

Would you like some sake?

Would you quit that howling down there?

Wow, he's just a widdle boy.

Wow, that's scintillating conversation on my part.

Wow.

Wow. (SIGHS)

Wow. Thank you so much, Lyla.

Wow. This is such a great reveal.

Yeah, 'cause it's code.

Yeah, but that is not the same.

Yeah, but they take care of my needs,

Yeah, come on in.

Yeah, Dad told me.

Yeah, hi, this is Jake Novak. I'm Lilly's dad.

Yeah, I am. Are you? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, in the office. Why?

Yeah, it makes him a target.

Yeah, it's not really a sexy word.

Yeah, let's just go. Let's just go.

Yeah, okay, well... LYLA: Warn me!

Yeah, right. Right.

Yeah, right. Wow, too soon.

Yeah, six foot tall puppets and a live horse onstage.

Yeah, Tennessee Williams, I believe.

Yeah, that's fine.

Yeah, that's fine. That's a good idea.

Yeah, that's important.

Yeah, we'll switch halfway through.

Yeah, well. I think it's great.

Yeah, what's that?

Yeah, yeah, I can't take pills.

Yeah, you go right, I'll go left.

Yeah, you know, I have been a supporter of the cause for some time.

Yeah, you know, I'm just... I'm gonna talk to him at home.

Yeah, you should fix that before you lose a finger.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. Congratulations. Whatever floats your boat.

Yeah. I mean...

Yeah. I'm horny right now.

Yeah. It was confident, but not scary.

Yeah. No, confident like Catwoman.

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. Really?

Yeah. That'd be great.

Yeah. Um...

Yeah. Yeah, he just gets all "Power Ford" on me, and...

Yeah. You guys ever been to Lucky Strike?

Yell, or stand by a conviction.

Yep. Okay.

Yes, coming out can be hard.

Yes, definitely.

Yes, growing boy, building bones.

Yes, he is, and nothing's happened between us.

Yes, he is.

Yes, he's gonna keep getting bullied

Yes, I am.

Yes, I get that. I don't want you to hate her.

Yes, I know that. I know that.

Yes, I know the rules.

Yes, I... I do actually feel much better.

Yes, like Jake does with Becca,

Yes, oh, my God. Thank you so much.

Yes, the part of the relationship that sucks?

Yes, we have. We don't need your help. Thank you.

Yes, yes, there's gluten in rice.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes. Very good question.

Yes, you can say it's an emergency!

Yes?

Yes.

Yes. I mean, this idea that just one person

Yes. Yes.

You actually did the Math? Yeah, I did.

You all right?

You are a big, you are... Oh!

You are a great mom.

You are a menace, lady.

You are a pimp, lady.

You are gonna write something new, something better.

You are incredible. We don't have a bond.

You bet. Hillary 2016.

You better. That's an order.

You came too, right? Sure.

You can pick one, okay?

You can't act like I don't exist.

You did, really?

You do seem kind of electrified.

You don't have to say it.

You don't really think that he's the reason.

You don't take anything that I do seriously unless it's about you.

You don't want people to be friends with you for the wrong reasons.

You don't want to hear this.

You don't...

You expect Charlie and Lilly to also not tell?

You felt closer to her. I felt closer to her.

You finished now? Yes.

You get anything?

You got it. Thank you.

You got it. You got it.

You got the big job, and you got the big life,

You got to call Abby.

You grow up.

You guys, go about yourself.

You guys, I got to go write. I love you.

You guys, I'd like to introduce you to my friend Becca.

You have an amazing night with Nate.

You have no idea what's going on with me.

You have no idea what's happening with Vika and I.

You have the right to be miserable.

You have to go backstage. You have another show.

You have to. Please.

You have? Yeah.

You just got a text from Becca Riley.

You just have to give yourself a break.

You know Abby. Hi. Vika.

You know anything over SPF 30 is pretty much overkill.

You know Blood Sisters is my favorite show.

You know I think the world of you.

You know me so well already.

You know that gorgeous couple at school, they're foreigners?

You know that one. I like that one a lot.

You know what, I figured she was out with friends, which she was, right?

You know what, Max? I am not wearing this to the gala.

You know what?

You know what? Actually, I don't even care.

You know what? Could you just put him on?

You know what? I'm done helping you.

You know what? That is unfair.

You know what? They got all that stuff at home.

You know what? You are such a pain in the ass.

You know why? 'Cause he's awesome.

You know, a sushi fest.

You know, because we shared so much digitally.

You know, despite all the drama,

You know, he was with someone, you slut! WILL: Oh!

You know, her being so excited? And it's not her fault.

You know, I just... I don't want to be doing this.

You know, I knew I would have no trouble talking with you.

You know, I was thinking it was actually very romantic that the sex wasn't...

You know, if I finally got to kiss you now,

You know, just getting aggro.

You know, maybe it's just like a,

You know, my sense of narrative tells me

You know, my wife used to say...

You know, our first kiss...

You know, something that helps you get rid of any pent up aggression.

You know, things we said,

You know, this whole age thing,

You know, When Harry Met Sally?

You know, when Max and I first met,

You know, when you do grow up,

You know, you promised we'd have internet.

You know.

You like?

You look like a lion tamer's assistant, only the lion ate your pants.

You look spectacular. Thank you.

You look your spouse in the eye,

You love it, then. It's yours.

You make me sick.

You mean because Nate's the guy that ruined your marriage?

You mean like when you're in a relationship?

You mean the world to me, but you're making enemies left and right,

You need some perspective.

You never should have had kids.

You people are noisier than what's going on in my head.

You punched Damon Cash in the face.

You ready to have a fun day?

You realize you're gonna pay for this.

You really are a writer director. I am.

You said no phones.

You said you were Phoebe's friend.

You said you would tell me before something like this happened.

You said you'd fix it.

You say that name one more time, and honestly, knuckle supper.

You should call me.

You should invite her over.

You should, because we've empowered her.

You sound like an eighth grader.

You still need to tell me.

You taking a leave of absence to decompress.

You threw your drink on me.

You want to fight me, you slut?

You were Gayle King for three days?

You were going through so much with your divorce.

You were pretty intense there.

You were right, Mom. Dad's place was super fun.

You were right. I'm really not good.

You would say that, 'cause you're screwing a married man.

You, painkillers?

You, too. (PHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)

You! You said I was an idiot!

You...

You... I got to go.

You'd like to discuss pertaining to my children?

You're a master of the word. (LAUGHS)

You're both acting like... How come I'm the only one acting my age?

You're both great.

You're checking off all the boxes for midlife crisis.

You're gonna have to use my credit card.

You're gonna need at least a 50 SPF.

You're just jealous 'cause she's so pretty and young.

You're just too mature for me.

You're like your father.

You're married, Nate.

You're not even divorced yet.

You're right. You're right.

You're so cranky today.

You're so loving and perfect.

You're so smart. I want to be more like you.

You're still the sanest woman I know.

You're taking cookies to school tomorrow for the bake sale,

You're talking about it. Sorry.

You're the relationship expert. You're the expert on everything.

You're the slut he's hung up on.

You're welcome.

You've been up my ass

You've got 1,000 bucks worth of cocaine on your chest,

You've lost your street cred in the Mommy Wars.

Your book sales are way down.

Your bullshit was enough fiction for me, and I took care of it.

Your dad came early so we can start sorting through stuff

Your date with Vika and Merete wasn't great?

Your hands are pretty cramped.

Your look this morning is just so very...

Yup, I know.

Yup. Just making some cookies.

Yup. Thank you. I know.

Zigzags. Zigzags.

01 what? 27.

10 reasons to hate Delia Banai,

27, yes.

60/40?

323 555 0127.

What are you doing here? You know, just dispensing free sunscreen advice.

...back into my senses.

...but obviously, you are impossible to relieve.

...hormone free, gluten intolerant...

...I pooped my pants a little.

...including one by Principal Barrows

...is not even the super secret awesome part of the story.

'Cause I can be more aggressive. Okay.

'cause it's Spencer's birthday,

'cause she wants me to study up on her marketing savvy.

'Cause you know I'm gonna ask for your number again.

'Cause, Lyla, you know best, right?

"4935 fail." (GROANS)

"A little 'me time' gift basket from your Phoebe Godmother."

"And the Oscar goes to..."

"Ew.

"How's it going?" From Becca Riley. Lilly.

"I got to piss like a racehorse."

"I was almost Oprah's best friend" story,

"Oh, my Dad was ancient when he was going out with Becca Riley."

"Relax."

"The Jimmee Lightning Rod."

"Way down." What does that mean?

"We have great bone structure."

"We. We." Who, you and Becca, the parenting expert?

"Yes, I am." (LAUGHS)

"You have great bone structure.

"You just won. Get your ass up onstage.

(BOTH SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Oh. Sorry.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES) Oh.

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING) Fun, spontaneity, mutual self sufficiency...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING) ...which was fun, but now is not.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Jeez.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) What?

(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) (LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) I did not see that coming.

(CHUCKLES) It is a classic.

(CHUCKLES) Maybe you will like it.

(CHUCKLES) So?

(CHUCKLES) That's funny.

(CHUCKLES) They should have made a sequel.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

(CHUCKLING) All right.

(CHUCKLING) Wow. Hold on, there.

(CONTINUES VIBRATING) (GRUNTS)

(CRYING) They're playing without me.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES) I'm running late. My morning meeting went long.

(GUESTS CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

(HORN HONKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(LAUGHING) I... I used to shoplift from charity stores.

(LAUGHING) LYLA: Hi!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) (PHONE VIBRATING)

(LAUGHS) All right.

(LAUGHS) Change of subject, very smart.

(LAUGHS) I had a bad prom experience.

(LAUGHS) I... I'm not gonna call.

(LAUGHS) Okay, okay.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

(LAUGHS) WAITER: Here we are.

(LAUGHS) You know what, this whole time,

(LYLA SIGHS)

(MOANING)

(MOUTHING) Sorry.

(PANTING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING AND TALKING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(PHONE BEEPS)

(PHONE BEEPS) Um, sorry, kids are waiting in the car.

(PHONE DISCONNECTS)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(PHONE VIBRATING) Um... Ugh! My daughter.

(PROGRAM BEEPING FLATLY)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING) Can't do it.

(SCOFFS)

(SERENE ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

(SINGSONG) But it's about to.

(SINGSONG) Eat me.

(SINGSONG) Yeah. I'm shopping my way to inner peace and calm.

(SLAMS DOOR)

(SLIDING) (GASPS)

(SLURRING) What would Dr. Marber do?

(SOFTLY) Nightmare. My God.

(SOFTLY) You have the civil right

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPORTS COMMENTATOR SPEAKING ON TV)

(SQUEALS)

(STAMMERS) But he was my friend first.

(STAMMERS) I can't Ignore her.

(STAMMERS) I'll be on the first flight back to Seattle tomorrow.

(STUTTERS) It made me feel...

(TIRES SKID)

(TV PLAYING)

(UPBEAT ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

(VIBRATOR BUZZING)

(VIKA LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

(VOICE BREAKING) Grandpa's dead?

(WHIRRING)

(WHISPERING) It's amazing.

(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.

(WOMAN WAILING)

Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce - Season 1
Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce is an acclaimed television show that aired its first season in 2014. It follows the life of Abby McCarthy, a successful self-help author who finds herself navigating the complexities of divorce while still trying to maintain her public image and career. The show boasts an incredibly talented cast that brings their characters to life with extraordinary depth. Lisa Edelstein stars as Abby McCarthy, the protagonist of the series, who discovers her marriage is falling apart and embarks on a journey of self-discovery. Accompanying her is Beau Garrett, playing the role of Phoebe, Abby's beautiful and free-spirited friend with her own share of relationship challenges. Janeane Garofalo delivers a memorable performance as Lyla, Abby's no-nonsense best friend and a divorce attorney who provides her with practical advice while struggling with her own relationship issues. Alanna Ubach portrays Jo, another close friend of Abby's who brings comic relief and is known for her unfiltered advice and wild dating escapades. The show's talented ensemble cast also includes Paul Adelstein as Abby's estranged husband Jake, a successful Hollywood producer grappling with the fallout of their divorce. Additionally, Necar Zadegan gives a captivating performance as Delia, Abby's high-powered divorce attorney and friend, who faces ethical dilemmas while balancing her loyalty to her profession and personal relationships. Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce captivates audiences with its refreshing take on relationships and the challenges faced by modern women. The show delves into the ups and downs of love, sex, and ultimately self-acceptance. Through Abby's journey, viewers witness her growth and learn valuable lessons about the importance of female friendships, embracing imperfections, and finding happiness after heartbreak. With its expert storytelling and engaging characters, the first season of Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce received critical acclaim and quickly amassed a dedicated fanbase. Its success lies in its ability to balance drama with witty humor, making it relatable and enjoyable for viewers of all backgrounds. For those interested in exploring the world of Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce, the show's sounds and soundtrack can be accessed easily. By visiting the official website or streaming platforms, fans can immerse themselves in the show's music. Whether it is the soulful melodies that accompany emotional moments or the catchy beats that go hand in hand with comical situations, the soundtrack adds another layer of depth to the overall viewing experience. In conclusion, Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce - Season 1 is a captivating television show that explores the complexities of divorce, relationships, and self-discovery. With an exceptional cast and compelling storytelling, the show leaves a lasting impression on viewers. If you want to relive the moments or simply dive into the world of Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce, the sounds and soundtrack are easily accessible, allowing you to immerse yourself in the show's universe once again.
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