Bruce Almighty (2003) Soundboard Edit

A IittIe more bite and a IittIe more bark

A single mom who's working two jobs

All right. You know what? Enough. All right?

An unusually high number of lottery winners has New York officiaIs concerned

And cut it.

And do you ever feel

And get in touch with my true self.

And l feel it in the icy dawn

And still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice,

And the restIess souI is searching

And the restIess souI is searching

And the sun was in your eyes. Oh, there you go.

And we'd sing

And you are gonna be interviewing lrene Dansfield.

And, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center,

Answer me!

Are my teeth not white enough?

Are you here?

Are you serious?

At the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.

B E A utiful.

Because every time they make me do this stuff,

BOTH: lt's good !

BRUCE ON ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, this is Bruce, Grace and Sam. Leave a message.

BRUCE: And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Bruce?

Bruce? Oh, l got to go. They're calling me in.

Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?

But it's gonna burst out of me like an alien if l don't do it now.

But l don't wanna love him anymore.

But l guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $1 7.

But l guess you can't now, being dead and all.

But l know l love you

Can l ask why? Yes, you can ! That's the beauty of it!

Channel 7, right?

CHORUS: Ready as I can be

Ciao.

Clap on, clap off. Clap on, clap off the Clapper.

Clear! Whoa!

Come on, Sam

Come on. Concentrate. There you go. Come on. Pump it out if you have to

Could you have taken turns,

Creator of the heavens and the earth, alpha and omega.

Dear God, bless Bruce.

Dear God, give Bruce strength.

Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages? Besides, l'm covered.

Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown,

Do l look blind to you? Do l look blind to you?

Do you mind giving me a hand with this floor?

Eroding ! Eroding ! Eroding !

Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue, sports,

Ever since that damn meteorite hit.

Fine! The gloves are off, pal !

Five hundred and three prayer requests?

For the love of God, what is it now? The whole booth is down.

For those of you who haven't heard,

For to bring customers back.

From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa. . .

Get the camera! Now!

GirI, I just can't live without you

GIRL: Seeing him smiIe would make me so happy.

God bless.

God doesn't take vacations, does he? Do. . .ye?

God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.

God, why do you hate me?

God?

Good boy.

Good evening, and welcome to Eyewitness News at 6:00. l'm Susan Ortega

Grace, are you there?

Grace, we got anchor.

Grace! Grace, come here!

He gets the stories. He gets on sweeps. Maybe l should be more like Evan.

Hello? Another hugantic, ginormic waste of my life

Hello. lt's me.

Hey, kid. You wanna make 1 0 bucks? Sure.

Hey, little anal dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.

Hey, man. l don't want problems. ls it my hair, Bill?

Hey, you said ass. Yeah, but it's okay

Hey! Wacky Bruce!

Hey. Let's go, man. Come on. Let's go.

Hi, Susan. Oh, thank you, God

Hi. Can l get a small coffee to go?

His stories are all over town.

Hope l can find the words to say

How do you feel now?

How's Grace?

If I ruIed the worId

In what analysts are calling a fIuke market fIuctuation.

Jack, did you need me for something? Bruce! Bruce!

Jack, let's just cut the crap and get down to brass tacks here

JACK: Hi, Susan.

Jesus. Right now!

Job? What job? My job.

Just a sIob Iike one of us

Just a stranger on a bus

Just about everything there is to know.

Just can't get it out of my head.

Just diaI 1 900 4GIV HIM. That's 1 900 4GIV HIM. Do it now.

Known for their sinfully sweet, cream filled Polski Pierogis,

L am great

L be positive, they ain't touching me with no needle. lt's just so. . .

L can be an asshole. No, Bruce. You can't.

L certainly wouldn't want to be a fugitive on the run with Hank,

L did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.

L don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.

L guess every dog has his day.

L needed some time to reassess my goals

L think l'll put this on my computer

L tuck my kids in, maybe have a scoop of ice cream and watch Conan.

L want you at Niagara Falls in an hour.

L was gonna give Grace a call.

L will do with it what l will. Jesus.

L'd better manifest some coffee.

L'll alert Penthouse Forum. Hi, Deb. How are you?

L'll be out in a minute.

L'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News,

L'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News. MAN: And cut it.

L'm dead? Nah, l'm just messing with you.

L'm going live? During sweeps? But watch your step, Bruce.

L'm gonna get soaked. That's the point.

L'm gonna need a fricking miracle to get to work on time.

L'm l. B. positive.

L'm never, ever gonna stop

L'm not Clint Eastwood. l'm Bruce Nolan.

L'm not okay with a mediocre job! l'm not okay with a mediocre apartment.

L'm Susan Ortega. l'm Bruce Nolan

L've got the power

Let me play something for you.

Lf you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.

Ln other. .

Ln the financial world, things are settling back to normaI

Look, Bruce. You're a good reporter. You make people laugh.

Love me. Love me.

Love, love, love, love, love.

Lrene! Pleasure to meet you. Truly.

Ls it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo,

Lt's a good thing we're wearing these today,

Lt's a wonderful thing.

Lt's good. lt's good. lt's good.

Making love to you right now That's aII I wanna do

MAN 1 : Hey, we got a body! MAN 2: Over here!

More power outages reported today caused by Iast week's meteorite strike.

Moving on ! So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

My secret is that l let the jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce

Never again, no

Never, never gonna give you up

No, it's not! ln other news, fighting erupted

No, this is Mount Everest.

No. lt's God's fault. l gave him the wrong coordinates.

No. No. No.

Normal, everyday psychotic episode caused by a tumor or brain lesion.

Now, that's a prayer. Yeah?

Oh, baby

Oh, baby

Oh, baby Yeah, l'll be here

Oh, boy. Oh, my God.

Oh, God !

Oh, God ! Oh !

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay.

Oh, l feel so stupid. l feel stupid.

Oh, look. lt's the owner of the Maid of the Mist.

Oh, no!

Oh, soup. Right. Uh, yeah. Right.

Oh, Zoe Baboey! Did you have a good time with Aunt Crazy today?

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, l had to have made some kind of a dent by now.

Okay, l need something with a lock, security, combination, a password.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. All right. l'll try it your way.

Okay. Now, remember. lt's their 1 56th year anniversary.

Okay. Promos are approved.

Oompah. Loompah

Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?

Over the railing of the Titanic?

Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. lt's a magic trick.

Please, l don't wanna do this anymore.

Please. l still love him

Prayers, prayers. Okay, prayers. Oh !

REPORTER: Order has been restored in BuffaIo after this evening's downtown riot.

Right there in that file cabinet.

Say something to that. Say something.

So we clean up, make big cookie

So we'll have something to put on the air today?

So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor?

So, how are you and Grace doing?

Some can.

Some women can't handle the fire.

Sure, hon. Just a sec.

Sweetheart, l know you're mad. lt's understandable.

Tell me. Why do you think l didn't get the anchor job?

Thank you.

That was just Buffalo between 57th Street and Commonwealth

That, however, merely a formality at this point,

That's right. lt must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.

That's the spark.

That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem

The gloves are off, God.

The kids made them for me. They will keep you safe.

The lottery sucks! l only won 1 7 bucks!

The only one around here not doing his job is you !

The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup

The scene nearly turned violent

Then you get your sorry. How about that?

There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God.

There we are. lt's good

There's a God shaped hoIe in aII of us

There's a God shaped hoIe in aII of us

There's an anti Bruce barrier l can't get past.

They're laughing at you.

This is hilarious.

This is your big night

This looks promising.

Thou shalt not tempt the Lord. . . Hey, if you can't do it, man, that's cool.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this just in.

Visited Washington today,

We have a new record !

We have a special on soup today. No. That's fine. Thank you.

We may be having a bit of technical difficulty.

We're gonna kick live to Fred at the stadium, okay?

Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty

Well, l admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?

Well, then you could swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see?

Well, you're not listening, son.

What a bunch of whiners. This is gonna suck up my whole life.

What are you talking about, man?

What happened to you? You seem so. . .

What is it you want, Mary? What do you want?

What should l do? Give me a signal.

What the he. . . l got you !

What's the point?

Whatever you say, pal

When great opportunities are given to them instead of me.

Where D. N. A. testing can confirm the identity.

Where?

While others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.

Who are you?

Who do you like in the game tonight?

Whoa! Hold the phone! l like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

Whoa.

Whoa. Nice car, man.

Will you stop being such a martyr?

With 220 pounds of marijuana.

With a side order of guilt, please!

With all the folks down here at the blood drive, reminding you to. . .

Yeah, but she was huge. She had been held back.

Yeah, l didn't see her in there

Yeah, l know, free will. Oh, God.

Yeah, you'd better keep walking.

Yeah? See how nice this is? Baby on the hip?

Yeah? That was really great.

Yeah.

Yeah. lt gets me from A to B.

Yeah. Seems to be.

Yes. Thank you. Thank you.

You always were funny, Bruce, just like your father.

You can clear everything up in five minutes if you want to, right?

You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway

You did that in a day? lmagine what l could do with seven.

You heard them.

You install the Clapper? No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?

You know what l do every night before l go to bed?

You know what? Fine. Never better.

You know, all over the. . . With tons of stuff on ice.

You know, l never thought l'd say this, but Bruce is right.

You okay, man?

You ready? Born that way.

You wanna see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

You're on fire, Bruce.

You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce.

You've had my powers for a little over a week now.

1 49 capacity. Right.

'Cause you're a God and I am not

(BEEPlNG)

(BRUCE WHlSTLlNG)

(CLEARlNG THROAT)

(CREW LAUGHlNG)

(DOOR SLAMMlNG)

(ENGlNE REVVlNG)

(EXCLAlMS)

(GASPlNG)

(GOD CLAPPlNG)

(GOD GAVE ME EVERYTHING PLAYlNG)

(GROANlNG)

(GROANlNG) God has taken my bird and my bush.

(GRUNTlNG)

(GRUNTS)

(HORNS BLARlNG)

(MAN SINGING) And I hear it in the windy storm

(MEN CHATTERlNG)

(METAL CLANKlNG)

(METAL SQUEAKlNG)

(MlMlCKlNG SNOOP DOGGY DOGG) Bow wow wow Yippee yo, yippee yay

(MOANlNG)

(MOANlNG)

(MOANlNG)

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

(PAGER BEEPlNG)

(PEOPLE SCREAMlNG)

(ROARlNG)

(SAM URlNATlNG)

(SlNGlNG) Yeah, yeah

(SlZZLlNG)

(SUSAN MOANlNG)

(TELEPHONE RlNGlNG) God gave me everything I want

(THUNDER RUMBLlNG)

(WHlMPERlNG)

(WOMAN SINGING) Do you ever feel

(WOMAN SINGING) Every point of view has another angle

(WOMAN SINGING) Everything so confusing