BoJack Horseman - Season 1 Edit

A celebrity is throwing away his hard earned cash.

A certain lifestyle since Boreanaz House went public,

A charity to bring clean water

A Diane thing would be something that shows

A hat that if you turn it upside down, it's a boat?

A hooker, yes, but what she really wants to do

A lot of people might not appreciate that about you,

A MacArthur grant for my 'zine about how all the girls

A national dialogue, maybe I'll take my ideas home.

A pretty big erection.

A series of interrelated fortune cookies?

A shit ton of hearts or digs or smileys

A story about you being a shitty friend,

A story of power, betrayal, and ambitious hairstyles.

A toast on me to Diane and Mr. Peanutbutter.

A troubled gay teen or something.

A V you can put your sunglasses in.

A whole 'nother room with another sink?

A, chemistry and physics.

A.O. Scott is sick of talking about how brilliant I am.

About all the days I have left?

About Herb but we're actually talking about something else?

About how this guy's in love with this lady, right?

About life being too short? Well, of course you know what I'm saying.

About that dog who adopted the three human kids.

About this Ben Stiller article from the plane

About who he hurts.

Actually pretty solid for what it is.

Actually, I am a busy guy.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Admit it! You like my girlfriend.

After being in the shadow of powerful men for so long.

After this, we'll go play touch football and do a noogie parade.

Again, does anyone here speak English?

Ah, a classic conundrum.

Ah, crap. Someone get the manager.

Ah, don't go. Deedee, please.

Ah, jeez. What did that idiot do?

Ah, no.

Ah, out of combinations. Now I'm bored.

Ah, see? I'm inside him.

Ah, she used to run off like this all the time

Ah, show business, the great equalizer.

Ah, so much, so much, so much.

Ah, um...

Ah, what's the point of getting off the couch anyway?

Ah, yeah, I see.

Ah!

Ahh.

All being questioned by police.

All on my own, didn't I?

All right, book, let's see what you got.

All right, I sent it, but just remember...

All right, you ready for the plan?

All right! You hang tight, baby.

All right. Jesus.

All the jobs are going to immigrants these days.

All the single dollars?

All the way up to here?

All them dead bodies, they give me the jeebies.

All those jerk wads had to do was show up, and they couldn't even do that!

All we ask for is 10% of anything pilfered.

Almost there.

Almost. Ah...

Aloha, kemosabe.

Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels,

Also, why is BoJack being played by an old, nebbishy

Always a Clydesdale, never a Clyde, eh, BoJack?

Always nice to get a change of scenery, am I right?

Am I an inspiration?

Am I dying?

Am I really being courted by two gangs?

American singer songwriter Beyoncé is hurt.

An all knowing floating orb of light?

An off the clock, non work related social event?

And a bathtub and... Wait, hold on...

And a lack of money in it.

And a slut, they make me eat a lipstick.

And also an offensive display of extravagant wealth,

And also, now that I'm thinking about it,

And also, what did I do?

And as Diane, we had a real connection.

And before you answer, remember, I'm a celebrity.

And BoJack Horseman in the same room.

And complain about things.

And do it quick. The ice is melting.

And do, like, a party train or a fun circle?

And don't slip out of the room

And each time it's a different box of snacks.

And Entertainment Weekly said I wasn't consistent.

And even though you don't want anyone to know it...

And everything's cool.

And for a moment, he said nothing."

And give BoJack more to do.

And give my condolences real quick. BoJack can come with me.

And have a nice, casual conversation

And have everything we've ever wanted,

And he considered it beneath him.

And hello. Who's this stunning creature?

And here we have the home

And here's our lady of the hour now, Diane.

And how I should hang up the phone

And how it's weird that BoJack never returns your calls,

And how many times does Buckner break your heart?

And how you're always organized to go places.

And I can tell you that you're not.

And I didn't say they're all thieves.

And I do not like them apples, Deedee.

And I don't know if I ever told you that

And I had nowhere to go,

And I hope I actually wake up later.

And I know I'm not the perfect guy.

And I think you know how much I love catch.

And I told those suits if they want my show,

And I will do my best.

And I will give you some pages

And I will never forgive you for that.

And I'd never forget this one afternoon.

And I'm embarrassed to even ask,

And I'm finally ready to saddle up.

And I'm just gonna be a small fry

And I'm not going back to the old way.

And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better.

And I'm sorry if I've been difficult in any way

And if I get kicked off this, I won't recover.

And if you just give it time, you'll see.

And independent woman Beyoncé has been injured.

And it was actually nice to see you, BoJack.

And it's a one hopper back to the pitcher

And it's an even sweeter treat to be played by my good amigo...

And looked across the water,

And make this baby sing.

And make this not my problem

And make up your own mind.

And making BoJack the villain of your movie

And my dad was the worst of them all.

And my mulligan was Carey Mulligan

And Naomi is not interested in BoJack Horseman.

And never talk to me again.

And now he's gone forever.

And now I got a hundred guests coming and nowhere to put them.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to New York.

And now, a very special treat just for our platinum members.

And of course Dane Cook, who we all know is a thief.

And people are already talking about it.

And people got tired of seeing running on screen.

And play a two dimensional girl in a rom com

And presumably she will keep on surviving.

And produce you just for one second here.

And replaced me with a ball on a stick.

And saying it all together like that,

And second of all, uh...

And sent the draft to the publishers.

And so now that we've escaped

And sometimes being a star means making tough choices.

And sometimes when you get home

And sophisticated on the outside,

And stuff like that, you know what I'm saying?

And take her to the homecoming dance.

And that's for trying to sell E on the cartel's turf.

And that's the most important thing.

And that's the same crap you always pull...

And that's Ubu, the guy who sits.

And that's why Eva Braun

And that's you.

And the day after that.

And the rectal cancer thing aren't related, are they?

And the truth is, I used to sit alone on the hill out by the

And the words "I hate my agent" smeared across the walls

And then crapped out a third pile of crap.

And then dump it out into the ocean.

And then grunting like you were dragging something heavy

And then he stole my stealing of it.

And then it goes, "I like healthy gums

And then when I ask how I could be both a virgin

And then, in the very next scene,

And there better be some Zimas

And there's too much honeydew in the fruit bowl.

And they end up with total knobs.

And they said, "Okay."

And they say there's no new stories in Hollywoo.

And they're gonna love you even more

And thus concludes our tour

And until then, don't do anything.

And we can stay as long as we want.

And went on to air for nine seasons.

And what artisanal nuts to put on your salad.

And what he also is.

And what string of bad decisions

And what you did really hurt me.

And when I do, you're all getting noogies.

And when this is all over, we're going

And while we're all in giving moods,

And you abandoned me.

And you are nothing but a hollowed out husk

And you can duck and roll.

And you do, uh, know me, Diane.

And you don't get to play the lead role

And you have to be brave.

And you never talk to Diane again.

And you should have no lines.

And you still can't say it to her.

And you were right to get out when you had the chance.

And you're my phone a friend.

And your 30K an episode.

And your memoirist.

And your phone's story is that it's ringing

And?

Another five Gs, T Bag, and we are in the pink.

Any of you boys want to come?

Any time alone with Herb.

Anyone else got any bright ideas?

Anyone?

Anything I did and actively delighted in seeing me fail.

Anyway, how are things with you?

Anyway, I think he knows and might be plotting

Anyway, I'm off to Malibu to see Herb Kazzaz.

Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around.

Apparently some dickweed named Todd

Apparently, we both like to be clean.

Are already investigating several suspects.

Are we gonna get in a knife fight

Are you dressed like a Latin King?

Are you drunk?

Are you embarrassed of me because I'm a has been?

Are you ill, or hung over?

Are you in love with your biographer?

Are you just gonna leave me like this?

Are you kidding? Touch football with a star like you?

Are you okay?

Are you saying I should plot a countersabotage?

Are you trying to cut me out of this David Boreanaz deal?

Are your other clients more talented than I am?

Aren't you an editor at a major publishing house?

As a grand display of affection?

As a wild stallion, but I am tired of the rodeo,

As an interactive social media experience.

As broad and saccharine and not good,

As great as it is to actually spend time with you,

As if you were climbing something,

As incriminating as that question? No.

As one often is who is smart enough to recognize

As police are scrambling to figure out

As revenge for what I did to your rock opera.

As that pilot's landing.

As these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies.

As we say on my show... I want to say, New Girl?...

As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone

Asshole!

At DEFCON 5 until their diabolically displaced D

At his funeral.

At LACMA this weekend.

At least a few miles.

At least now you have a good story to tell

At school were bitches.

At the end of 30 minutes,

At the gritty reality of the American family.

Aw, I'm tired of watching movies.

Aw, thank God you're here, Deedee.

Aww.

Aww.

Aww.

Back to the Future again this weekend.

Bagel.

Banks we've been using are 100% legal.

Batting a ball of yarn around while you do the real work.

Be honest for once.

Be stiller, my beating heart.

Be with your family in their time of need?

Because apparently when I was drunk,

Because before you know it, it'll be too late.

Because I didn't get invited to any parties in high school.

Because I just bought the restaurant,

Because I never got the practice

Because I really would have freaked out by myself.

Because I think you're still wearing a mask.

Because I want everyone to like me.

Because I'd like to see you tr...

Because I'm the one who stole the D.

Because I've had, like, seven or eight coffees.

Because if I know me, this book is gonna give me

Because if that knife ain't sharp enough,

Because instead of coughing you just said the word cough.

Because it's the last time you're gonna see it.

Because maybe BoJack's trying to call you right now

Because my parents kicked me out,

Because nay means no,

Because of the shirts.

Because parties are fun?

Because the dry cleaner took my head shot down.

Because there might be a lot.

Because this lady won't let me in my own kitchen.

Because you can pretty much do anything you want.

Because you didn't appreciate him enough,

Because you have an amazing story to tell.

Because you know that I'm writing that book

Because you work for me, and your time is my time.

Because, deep down, we're all just people.

Before he dies of cancer.

Before that Webster kid takes it all.

Before we go down to set?

Beg your pardon, minor hiccup.

Being white, into cleansing.

Ben Affleck and I did reach for the same bunch of g****s.

Besides Kathy Ireland's bathing suit?

Besides, we need your help organizing all the funeral stuff.

Better question, why are you in my kitchen?

BJ, can you believe it?

BJ, listen. I got a call from ABC today.

BJ, you're doing the scene as written.

Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!

Blech. Honeydew is garbage fruit.

BoJack Goddamn Horseface.

BoJack has one, too.

BoJack Horseman, and his real life inspiration,

BoJack Horseman: The BoJack Horseman Story,

BoJack Horseman!

BoJack said he fed Affleck g****s.

BoJack trusted you to take care of his house.

BoJack, can we chat for a second?

BoJack, can you please just listen for a second?

BoJack, folks. What a sport.

BoJack, hon.

BoJack, how are your utensils?

BoJack, I gotta tell ya.

BoJack, I stand by my work.

BoJack, I think you're a star,

BoJack, I was in character as Diane,

BoJack, I...

BoJack, I'm almost there.

BoJack, let's have a party, okay?

BoJack, stop.

BoJack, they fired me

BoJack, this is you.

BoJack, we need to talk.

BoJack, you haven't worked in quite some time.

BoJack, you're late.

BoJack!

BoJack!

BoJack! Well.

BoJack?

BoJack.

BoJack. Come on.

BoJack...

BoJack's clearly in love with you.

Boo!

Boreanaz house.

Boring. I wasn't there.

Boxer versus raptor.

Boxer versus raptor.

Boxer versus raptor.

Buongiorno. Bon Jovi.

But actually...

But am I crazy that this is a bad time?

But at the time, I can tell you...

But do I have anything to worry about with you and Diane?

But do you guys ever, like, all link up together

But don't put all that stuff about how sad I am in the book.

But every happy ending has the day after

But everyone knows you go off menu for the good stuff.

But first, America has fallen in love with Hollywoo it couple,

But fiscally I'm more of an Aryan.

But hang up after one ring, and I'll call you back

But he's the one who sold the pitch.

But I am making great progress.

But I can't put any of my fingers on it.

But I can't throw up because I haven't had anything to eat

But I do. Yours forever, Leo."

But I don't know if you're gonna get

But I feel like in another, truer sense,

But I gave it the old BoJack spin.

But I got a few chess pieces I forgot need whittling.

But I guess it never hurts to practice.

But I live here, and the crew has been here since 3:00 a.m.,

But I need to start thinking about my future.

But I think it does actually get funnier every time.

But I work for Mr. Peanutbutter now.

But I'd instead like to highlight the fact

But I'll tell you right now.

But I'm also cripplingly nervous.

But I'm keeping my last name.

But I'm more concerned with getting my self esteem back

But I'm not a deft enough talent to capture the essence

But I'm not doing it for Herb.

But I'm not looking for parking in Silver Lake.

But I'm not really good with funerals or death

But I've been trying to put it behind me and do my job.

But I've got bigger concerns right now.

But I've had to pee for, like, three hours.

But if Herb's really your friend, he'll understand.

But if you find me in a bathtub with open wrists tomorrow

But if you want to surprise me,

But if you're too scared to start

But in a sexual way, not just as friends?

But in the Latin Kings, you'll be a star.

But instead you wrote a story about how you spent

But isn't there any other part?

But it turned out it was a takeout menu.

But it's also a thing that horses say.

But it's because I love you so much.

But it's been great for camaraderie.

But look at the bright side.

But look, for a lot of people,

But maybe we should call it a night.

But none of that matters, because we bring out

But now that I'm off the movie, I'm Naomi again,

But on the inside, I'm just Todd, you know?

But stealing it for your girlfriend

But still, it was something I cared about,

But thank God I have one good thing in my life,

But thanks to you guys, I think I'm finally

But that didn't feel right either.

But that's not real life.

But the electric company shut off our power.

But the family comedy struck a chord with America

But the next three weddings I'm invited to,

But the real headline of the evening was,

But then those Prefontaine movies came out,

But then you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

But then, we got interrupted by you yelling at Todd.

But they were all alone.

But this is a business, and every day

But true dat.

But ultimately sympathetic.

But we are gonna need a big distraction

But we do know Beyoncé is a survivor,

But we don't even know who she is or what she wants.

But we're not getting a cotton candy machine.

But what I needed then was a friend,

But what's the mustard packet again?

But when... When I'm with you, I, uh, don't hate myself.

But you can take anything you want

But you got to read some of these comments.

But you just wrote about how I cried

But you keep missing your deadlines.

But you know me, right?

But you put a pretty good spin on Nazis.

But you're a big girl now,

But, you know, the person you should really be talking to

But, you know, what does that say

By the time you realize you're sinking,

Call her. That's a loan, by the way.

Call me back.

Call me Diane.

Call Pinky.

Called "that hurts my feelings."

Called the Swamp Monsters of Malibu?

Can we cool it with the alliteration?

Can we keep this about me, please?

Can we keep this general interests?

Can you believe it?

Can you believe this, the two of us in the same house?

Can you do that with a crew neck?

Can you take me home, please?

Can you try to focus for, like, a second?

Can't I just stay home with you?

Can't look up from the game.

Can't look up from the game. How you doing?

Can't this thing go any faster?

Cast and crew only.

Cast and crew only.

Cast and crew only.

Celebrity Stealing Club strikes again.

Chapter one.

Chapter one.

Chapter...

Charlie, listen, you know,

Check this out.

Check this out. If you want to lift weights,

Cheers to bath time.

Closure is a made up thing by Steven Spielberg to sell movie tickets.

Come back to my web.

Come meet my boy, Santiago.

Come on in here! All right!

Come on, BoJack.

Come on, BoJack. Pick up, pick up.

Come on, guys, this is ridiculous.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on... ah.

Congratulations on the whole being engaged thing,

Conservative groups have been quick to organize.

Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.

Cough, cough, cough, cough, door slam.

Could have seen that coming.

Could never get the project off the ground, though.

Couldn't agree more.

Couldn't hear you over the sound of my calories not metabolizing.

Crikey, I would've paid $50 U.S. to see where David Boreanaz lives.

Cruller?

Crunchy and creamy.

Curses!

Cut, cut.

Cut!

Cut! Amazing.

D... D... Damn!

Dad's chum is in the back

Daddy, do you want to meet my imaginary friend?

Damn it, can't you respect a dying man's wish?

Damn it, Todd!

Dare I say best amigo?

David Duchovny, Dick Van Dyke, DMX,

Decided I should be three dimensional

Deedee, what are you doing with Dad's keys?

Delete it. It's just a drunken recipe for Bundt cake.

Details are sketchy at this point,

Diaaaaane!

Diane isn't a big shot. She's my ghostwriter.

Diane Nugent?

Diane, I've got an important question to ask.

Diane, looking good.

Diane, you are making a public spectacle of yourself.

Diane!

Diane! Hey, you!

Diane! What do you think?

Diane?

Diane?

Diane? Is that you?

Did for Rin Tin Tin.

Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

Did I miss something funny?

Did my character suddenly forget

Did Sabrina grow up before our eyes?

Did someone call for BoJack?

Did someone draw balls on his forehead?

Did we just say that...

Did we talk about firming up the release date?

Did you just call me here to insult me?

Did you say you've had tapeworms?

Did you say you've had tapeworms?

Did you see that, Diane?

Did you see? Someone stole the D off the sign.

Did you think that I spent the last 20 years

Did you?

Ding dong! It's Diane.

Do a dance.

Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions.

Do I know his story?

Do I? Can't stop remembering him.

Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah.

Do people not like me?

Do we really need a toilet and a sink

Do you just take those DVDs with you everywhere you go?

Do you know how old this bourbon is? If this was a person,

Do you love anything or anyone?

Do you really want to disappoint them?

Do you want me to get out? Try to guide you?

Doctors have confirmed

Does anyone here speak English?

Does anyone know where she might have gone?

Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably.

Does Tuesday work for you,

Doing tiny commercials and eating mini quiches.

Dollars are like the new penny.

Don't bother.

Don't care. Not interested.

Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.

Don't explain the joke to me.

Don't look at me. I'm well adjusted.

Don't stop watching.

Don't tell me. Tell her!

Don't tell my boss.

Don't touch my stuff, and don't make a mess.

Don't worry, I'm not just gonna sit here

Don't worry. You can wait in the car.

Donna!

Drive the goddamn car!

Drugs, cigarettes.

Dumb guy eats bread, gets fat, the end.

Dump and dream of waking up as Chelsea Clinton, but with my hair.

Dumped you last night.

During this process.

Easy for you to say, you hippie.

Easy out at first. So what we're gonna do is nothing?

Eating cotton candy until I barf

Either you read Hemisphere's Magazine, or you don't.

Er?

Erica, did you hear she said yes?

Erica, get out of here with that face.

Erica, how are you looking so beautiful?

Even if he stole your stealing of the D,

Even if no one appreciates you,

Ever going to be okay.

Ever hear of a young adult franchise

Every article I read now is "juice this" and "juice that."

Every one of your ideas is stupid or racist.

Everyone else is a phony. Yours forever, Leo."

Everyone gets a mulligan,

Everyone has a story,

Everyone pay attention to me.

Everyone please disperse.

Everyone thinks that I'm just this washed up hack,

Everything's gonna turn out okay

Exactly!

Except for all the lame time period jokes.

Excuse me, miss. Is that your date?

Excuse me. Yes, hello, I'm looking for Diane.

Family is a sinkhole,

Famous from television shows

Feel stupid for asking that.

Fine, I guess.

Fine, I'll help. Is there a number for me to call?

Fine, none of you have to go. I'll take care of everything.

Fine. I'll do the dumb movie.

Fine. I'll do the dumb movie.

Fire Janine in the gift shop for stealing Boreabble heads.

First day, huh?

First of all, football doesn't have foul balls.

First of all, we're not roommates.

First, we reimagined the whole film

Five foot tall bald guy?

Followed by the sounds of dismantling metal,

For a nominal fee, we can scrounge up another body for you.

For an important meeting with a book publisher,

For five years she didn't come home.

For just the two of us.

For once, I would just love to phone it in

For real jobs instead of these dumb commercials.

For real roles?

For the day, and frankly, I already regret that decision.

For the last seven uninterrupted minutes is,

For the rest of your life.

For you to get rid of the contraband,

Forgive him, mighty Caesar.

Forty five, forty six,

Forty seven...

Friendly gesture because we're friends.

From a long day of getting kicked in the urethra,

From all walks of life.

From his heart.

From the accident at the quarry.

From the phone booth where my wife and I are living.

From the Swamp Monsters swag box.

Full truth like we agreed.

Funeral!

Funeral! Funeral!

Game. Watching the game.

Gary, Marty, Artie, Deedee's back! Come here!

Gary, Marty, I just got home.

Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.

Get it? D viant?

Get out of here!

Get out of here? Why would I get out of here?

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

Get out of my room, Todd! I'm David Boreanaz.

Get to be on the covers of magazines

Give her a chance.

Give me a bottle of something to help me forget my problems.

Give me a call after the show.

Give me some skin.

Give me ten seconds, Diane.

Give me your phones. I'm a celebrity.

Given your recent, uh, everything.

Go look through David Boreanaz's underwear drawer, okay?

Go right ahead.

God damn it! Are you god damn kidding me?

God damn it! Stop the presses.

God, I can't wait till I'm finally up

God, I hope he doesn't see us.

God, that's good comedy.

Going up for auction next week.

Good bye, BoJack.

Good call.

Good for you.

Good God, when I die, bury me in Kathy Ireland.

Good luck making Horsin' Around without the horse.

Good night, Diane.

Good one.

Good problems to have.

Good. Well, just as a general rule,

Got out of the car, stepped out toward the coast,

Great story, Todd. I love our friendship.

Great, now I'm gonna feel like a fat ass all week.

Great.

Great. Call me if you need anything,

Great. Send it over.

Guys, can we give this thing a rest?

Guys, don't take your eyes off the prize.

Guys, I really would rather not discuss it.

Ha cha cha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! You said words.

Ha ha. She is attractive.

Ha ha...

Ha!

Ha.

Haaah!

Hands and belongings on your person at all times.

Happy? I took my mask off.

Has placed you in BoJack's orbit?

Has turned into a full on race war.

Hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor,

Have a Boreanderful day.

Have wanted some stuffy funeral.

Have you been eating your guilt this whole time?

Have you considered working with a ghostwriter?

Have you considered working with a ghostwriter?

Have you ever been on a movie set before?

Have you seen the new draft?

Have you thought about attaching Mila Kunis to this thing?

Haven't really seen you since the wedding.

Having said that, what do I know about books?

He didn't get into B.C.

He died of a broken heart

He doesn't do anything but take it easy.

He doesn't have a job. He has no real responsibilities.

He don't eat g****s!

He even has everyone calling me Diane

He filled the air with words, terrified of silence,

He has cancer, which, as you know, is a whole thing.

He is a good dog.

He really knows you,

He was bringing up three boys of his own.

He was graping it up with the Daredevil himself.

He was puking cotton candy off the deck

He would've wanted his body to be chopped up into chum

He'll probably send you a copy as soon as he's done with it.

He's having fun.

He's just staring blankly now.

He's kind of my personal hero.

He's my husband.

He's new. He doesn't know the rules.

He's so stupid he doesn't realize

He's the American Hugh Jackman.

Head against the wall until your brain isn't so stupid?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello. Penguin Publishing.

Herb and I are gonna see

Herb Kazzaz, ladies and gentlemen.

Herb Kazzaz, the show's creator,

Herb says that to me all the time.

Herb, I said I'm sorry.

Herb, you picked the worst possible time to...

Herb's about to hit the big time,

Herb's done really well for a guy you dicked over.

Here we go! The great Toddini!

Here. I got you a beer. It's on the house.

Here's what you need to do. Nothing.

Hey ooh.

Hey up!

Hey, allow me to put on my producer hat

Hey, aren't you the horse from Horsin' Around?

Hey, assholes! Where were you?

Hey, BoJack, right?

Hey, BoJack, you ever meet any Boston celebrities?

Hey, bright side.

Hey, buddy!