Workaholics (2011) - Season 7 Edit

A chair might break

A family... and love.

A fun fact about me is that I love to dance.

A fun thing about me is that I love to have a good time.

A gigantic hard dick inside of them?

A jar with a human ding dong in it, dude.

A kissing contest?

A little bored with the products that we have been selling,

A lot of green... well, anyway.

A mechanical bull.

A safety whistle with a built in air filter

A super important call?

A toothpick. All right, man.

A very wonderful sales consultant

A veterinarian's assistant.

A week with no pay.

A what like who?

A while to sort out, so Dad, why don't we hit the pro shop

Aah!

Aah! Get this leech off my tongue!

About 15 years ago, I was bodysurfing

About giving him grandkids, so to get him off my ass,

About it because we didn't want to ruin this trip.

About surviving an emergency, and you didn't.

About the time I had sex at the zoo?

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not. Sit your ass down.

Absolutely nothing.

Absolutely.

Action!

Actually,

Actually,

Actually, Ders, don't you mean flat Dr. Pepper pot?

Actually, I'll show you guys a little sample if you'd like.

Actually, I'll take one.

Actually, let's record this, right?

Actually... there were the last three Super Bowls.

Adam is impotent.

Adam, Adam, what are you doing?

Adam, come on. There isn't any gas.

Adam, don't! Don't you get it?

Adam, I love your spirit.

Adam, I want to apologize

Adam, I'm not doing the stunt, all right?

Adam, next time we're watching an environmental film,

Adam, please just chill out, okay?

Adam, say something that motivates us.

Adam, what's your favorite drink?

Adam, where'd you get the flare, man?

Adam, you've eaten donuts out of a toilet.

Adam! Oh! Girl fight, girl fight!

Adam. Alice has something that she wants to say to you,

Adam... Adam!

Adam's stuck in the vending machine.

After all the exposure that I've given us

After pulling a cold blooded prank.

After this order of whistles is sold out,

Ah ah ah ah uh uhh uhh!

Ah, ah.

Ah, ah... for my... Now get out of here.

Ah, crap.

Ah, I Belvedered my balls.

Ah, it too greasy, Bill!

Ah, it's worse coming back up.

Ah, put it out! Oh, put it out!

Ah, well, this is Faux Chella.

Ah, yeah, it's been a while since I've maintained.

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! No hands.

Ah. I see you've met the final guest for the weekend.

Ah... oh...

Ahh, ahh. Was it bad?

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! [cries]

Ahh! All right.

Ahh! Arh arh arh arh!

Ahh. [whispering] I swallow.

Alice Murphy, for "Bye Bye Birdie."

Alice said I could do this.

Alice said that you were really bad at your job, Bill,

Alice, hey. Hey. What is happening?

Alice, I know you want to stand up and roar.

Alice, that was the real you.

Alice, where do you... it's Saturday.

All I'm saying is, we should be the ones running the train...

All right, and next,

All right, come on, let's hustle back there.

All right, cool, man, I'll call my guy.

All right, everybody, follow me.

All right, everybody, let's clear the set.

All right, everything Slim Jim, Kurt.

All right, fam, follow me.

All right, I I don't think

All right, I'm doing the stunt.

All right, I'm gonna knock you on your ass.

All right, sit it.

All right, so we just got to, like, deprogram Alice,

All right, yep, I'm out. I'm all out. I'm all out.

All right!

All right! Maybe I'm the dumb one.

All right? Now, let's get out there

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. And...

All right. Get ready.

All right. Who chooses?

All that profanity and the face holding

All up in their coffee, because it's a clap back.

All: [clapping]

All: ♪ Hello, hello, hello, hello ♪

All: 20, 21, 22...

All: BermuDope HighAngle.

All: I choose!

All: Oh!

All: Oh!

All: Oh!

All: Primary Choice Objectives.

All: Shut it down!

All: The Triad!

All: Tight butthole! Tight butthole!

All: We're stronger whenever

All: We're stronger whenever

Alone. In that big, beautiful home.

Alone. With Courtnee.

Also, dancing shows off core strength and stamina.

Also, I'm not attracted to you.

Always check the barrel of the fire pit

An entire musical festival for. Is that too much to ask?

An Italian Trio from Jersey Mike's...

And [bleep] like the world's about to end?

And Adam,

And all bacon e'rythang.

And all we have is this mini nug.

And am I doing this? Huh?

And Anders, let's go to the break room.

And back to me.

And be the queen of the Garbage Pail Kids.

And Blake, you'll get to do the thing that you wanna do,

And buy a round? You know, we'll catch up

And change your life forever?

And chanting, I mean, those are just devices that I use

And don't come back till you knock me on my ass.

And don't forget to feed the eels.

And even though we hardly knew him,

And find out what winning is all about,

And for me, which, that would be the anal that I had

And from now on, you're name is 69 Man.

And get back on the phones, now!

And go get breakfast right now, so... okay.

And going outside.

And guess what? I'ma get you

And guys, don't take what you have for granted.

And have fun with your new friends?

And he asked when we could reschedule

And he had an alternative approach

And he hated it.

And he looks at me like.

And he said the drop is off unless we pay triple.

And he's been picked on,

And he's gonna beat both your asses.

And he's gonna come here,

And hey, what do you think of "Bilbo"?

And hold it up nice and high so we can see.

And how would you like to be numero hundo

And I can't come up with a plan?

And I can't get good dank to save my life.

And I could help you to help me to help you

And I definitely don't like this guiro.

And I didn't hurt myself,

And I don't know when she's going back.

And I don't need any.

And I don't think that's particularly fair,

And I get this hard on, and we just start...

And I got a reply, like, right away

And I kind of want to cover it, just if we can pixilate it

And I know that you will know

And I know you've been with a lot of girls,

And I look down, and I see a tapeworm like...

And I look right back at that mother[bleep] like,

And I need to, like, bro down.

And I needed to find subletters ASAP.

And I said I was okay with it, but I'm really not.

And I see the pain that he goes through.

And I still plan on being a pallbearer

And I swear, I will walk out this door.

And I think I chipped my elbow.

And I think I'm catching a cold.

And I think it will be a terrific experience for Adam

And I think we all know what happened in Beijing.

And I thought we tell each other everything.

And I told him Julia Child you ain't.

And I told him to blend in. I love your suit, Karl.

And I wanna save this music festival

And I was hard.

And I'll see you on the other side.

And I'm about to smoke five in ten seconds.

And I'm doing what you guys just explained that we're doing.

And I'm gonna eat chowder so I can have an explosive O.

And I'm gonna get a record, watch.

And I'm gonna tell my stepsister I love her

And I'm just cool, I guess.

And I'm like, "What?" [laughter]

And I'm talking about his heart.

And I'm talking crispy critter dead.

And I've been emailing their manager Mailer Daemon.

And it is because...

And it kinda gets us going.

And it's a prison I'm gonna destroy!

And it's called Faux Chella.

And it's got a state of the art locking system.

And it's just gonna be me and him.

And it's time for you to take that fear

And join the rest of your group?

And just see if he can't work some magic for us, right, guys?

And just to show you we're down, this is a bucket hat.

And let the sharks rip you apart.

And let you know that my intentions with your daughter

And let's have a really big day.

And light it on [bleep] fire, Bill!

And like, I'm one of the guys.

And make sure my dog is healthy

And me with my mom?

And my associates here, they tell me

And my penis, I don't know if it's adequate enough.

And my thong is just... oh, my dance belt's

And not even talk to her about it.

And now I look at his butthole

And now I'm stuck in the vending machine.

And now it's just us, guys. Let's get comfortable.

And now that is entertainment! Isn't it?

And now will choose either...

And now, the final award of the evening,

And now, you're starting a fight with Anders.

And one of them might be rabid.

And only talked to Skyler.

And pattern my life after Bianca Toro.

And potent and addictive...

And pull your hand out.

And return those thermal hunting vision goggle things

And right now, I think it's time to do what we came here to do,

And set some boundaries, some rules.

And she think I don't want to do it,

And she was on "Big Bang Theory."

And she's already taken home a few Whoopsies tonight.

And shut the [bleep] up!

And some kung pao chicken.

And sometimes I just like to blaze up and get weird.

And start dancing, bitches.

And started drowning,

And take a real quick smoke break.

And tell me why exactly you're in my office.

And telling us to... suck our [bleep]

And that band is...

And that grosses me out.

And that is a genetically superior female

And that is final.

And that is... uh oh, I got an itch.

And that itch is to prank.

And that she shouldn't marry Calista!

And that you're suspended for a week and you should go home now

And that's from the pond, the leech?

And that's true, 'cause snitches get...

And that's two whistles sold. Let's go!

And that's what's up. And that's what's up.

And that's when the money starts rolling in.

And that's why we're still doing it.

And the gorillas are kinda looking at first,

And the kids can party with the dudes world wiz ide.

And the nominees are:

And then after the storm subsided,

And then at the sound of the shotgun...

And then he mentioned three of them.

And then he only charged me $2 for the mustard.

And then I just blew a fat load.

And then I siphoned all the gas out

And then it went back to physical,

And then they die,

And then they took your car keys, right?

And then we drop a new party episode online every Friday

And then we just go smoke weed and drink beers on the roof.

And then you tell me the truth,

And then, there were two.

And there's a huge band, uh, that is gonna play.

And there's not enough chairs for everyone.

And there's the kind of intelligence that I have.

And these [bleep]sters need stamina, all right?

And these are my associates.

And they cannot respond because of the noxious smoke

And they join in!

And they keep a tight butthole!

And they'll betray you and steal the stunt.

And they'll kill us too if they have to.

And this definitely ain't fake.

And this mission has to go exactly as planned.

And today, he's gonna give us a little dance lesson.

And trust me, I know what I'm talking about

And we about to pull the ultimate main office prank

And we don't want to fi ight anybody at all.

And we don't want to fi ight you.

And we don't want to spoil the surprise.

And we picked some sperm out.

And we'll move some product together.

And we're gonna go talk, send some emails

And we're kinda, like, looking around.

And we're not doing it for the Bango.

And we're probably gonna be best friends after this airs.

And what exactly

And what is that?

And what was his alternative "approach."

And what's on your pants?

And with the Internet, forget about it.

And you and you

And you and you.

And you are fired. Wait, is this real?

And you are immediately rehired, Goons,

And you have a nice one.

And you know that. Do I need to play the tape?

And you know what?

And you spend the rest of your life

And you turn around only to find

And you're the dominant gorilla, but nah, brother.

And your Smoke Cutter sales, they're a lie too.

And your winner is...

And, uh, that is not a tie.

And, uh...

And, you know, I think I hate Adam.

Anders Holmvik, I hate you. Ooh!

Anders Holmvik!

Anders Holmvik! Adam DeMamp!

Anders, it's not about flat tires or sleeping in.

Anders?

Another one of those things that I don't have to do

Another thought as a co motivator.

Anybody else feeling hot in here?

Anyway, but I wanted to tell you,

Anyway, come on.

Anyway, he blew his brains out.

Anyway, we think the cubicle would be a dope location.

Are going to be the best we've ever done.

Are just fine with being unemployed?

Are the things that teach us the most."

Are we talking a rev share?

Are you [bleep] crazy?

Are you guys drinking on the roof?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me? I've never met one.

Are you mad now? Huh?

Are you ready to be a [bleep] author

Are you serious?

Are you sure...

Argh argh argh!

As a real man now. Well, guess what, bud?

As long as he doesn't Riverdance on me,

As soon as we get the weed from the drug dealer...

At least Blake had a brand til he shaved it off.

At least one that I was allowed to participate in.

At the merch table.

At this point.

At your sister's funeral, but we're done professionally.

Away from all the BS... those clowns...

Baby, why wouldn't you tell me?

Baby!

Back when swimming was swimming, man.

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Bands love benefits.

Bango hooked me up with a set visit

Bango slacker costumes, free when you buy a case.

Based on what he drinks.

Battle for one girl.

Bazinga.

Be quiet and let me handle this.

Be sure to check out the t shirts

Be that your dream is to see Third Eye Blind.

Beautiful walk.

Because Ders ripped a leech off my tongue.

Because he make me the emotional [bleep] warrior

Because he was told I had "pink eyes."

Because he's inquisitive.

Because he's not part of the plan.

Because his wife has this cuckolding fantasy...

Because I actually have an assistant now.

Because I am excellent at having sex.

Because I canceled the Whoopsies,

Because I get paid to party.

Because I have the power to do that,

Because I knew it made you happy,

Because I know you're better than that!

Because I need a ride home.

Because I'm choosing to be my own person

Because not saving your friends,

Because of, like, fetish sites and stuff.

Because sometimes clap backs clap back.

Because that apology feels so good.

Because that's a thing I've at least overheard

Because the... what's the... is it the sphincter?

Because they are jealous of your success.

Because they got this off menu sandwich

Because they've wanted to do it all along anyway.

Because this guy is a total poon hound.

Because we just watched an environmental film

Because we put flat Dr. Pepper in a coffee pot and switched it.

Because word is bond!

Because you bother suck at it.

Because you don't know what you've got til it's gone.

Because you have a three as your first letter in your number.

Because you're all equal [bleep] idiots.

Because you're legend dairy?

Because... this dork is my dad!

Before I lose my cool.

Before we have quality time together.

Before you kill me, I have one last wish.

Before you kill us, there's something

Before you meet with the stunt coordinator.

Beijing, come on.

BermuDope HighAngle.

Bianca Toro."

Bill just has this animal magnetism.

Bill the Thrill.

Bill,

Bill, chill.

Bill, Montez is going with you.

Bill, shut up.

Bill, take off your shoes and socks.

Bill, that's rude.

Bill, these people ain't playing,

Bill, these people gonna kill you.

Bill, what?

Bill, what?

Bill, what's with your pants 'cause

Bill, where the hell'd you get this super dope brief...

Bill, who are all these people?

Bill, who are these people?

Bill! Bill!

Bill! Help!

Bill! Oh, my God, Bill.

Bill. God damn it.

Bite down on this, sir.

Blake and I went on a bike ride together last week.

Blake doesn't care.

Blake, what's the deal, man?

Blake, when we go back to Faux Chella,

Blake, why don't you go ahead and continue

Blake... no... ah! Hey!

Blake's doing the stunt.

Blake's room, hopefully, will be a nursery by that point.

Blakey the loser came crawling back to TAC.

Blinded by the smoke, you call out to your buddies,

Blue is a good color on you.

Boo, boo, boo, boo!

Boo, boo, boo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Boo!

Boom!

Boring, old product info pamphlet,

Both: [moaning]

Both: Mmm.

Both: Total dom.

Bottom of the [bleep] pile.

Boy got hips, don't he?

Break 'em, now!

Brian Newman.

Briefcase! There it is.

Business or women wise.

But can I just have you hold on for a second?

But can you get back to the announcer's booth?

But first, I just wanted to say one thing

But first, I'd like you to take Bill outside,

But I can't give you free food.

But I feel good! [laughter]

But I thank him every day,

But I think I may have found a whole lot more.

But I think I was blind to the fact

But I think it's time...

But I thought it would be a lot more fun

But I want the real thing... a partner,

But I will out of curiosity sake.

But I will tell you this little secret about myself.

But I'm gonna do all the talking

But I'm just having some serious marital problems

But I'm the dom, and you're the little sub,

But if it makes you feel better,

But if you wanna stand over there,

But instead of saying,

But it is a problem

But it's because I've been hurt before.

But it's cool, man. You know, I get to tell people

But knew that 69

But let me get some of that weed.

But listen to this... [clears throat]

But my intentions are pure. I want you to know that.

But my mom and stepdad, super excited

But not 12 times in a row.

But not everything is okay, all right?

But now that I know

But on a webseries.

But only if Third Eye Blind is here.

But really I'm just talking to my friends and horsing around.

But right now, we're gonna share.

But seriously, guys, nothing like a hot roof beer

But sometimes we've got to get real, just like you guys,

But that vibe she's throwing towards me.

But that's our favorite sandwich, so...

But the big thing is is that we are all going to be nude,

But these dip [bleep] had no idea

But they can't hear you because of the roar of the raging fire,

But this is for her happiness.

But this time in a nice way. You know?

But this... Come on.

But Tina and Megan pulled me through.

But we are done professionally, mate.

But we are gonna call in

But we just can't find the right guy for the job.

But we might need more bullets in case they run.

But we wanted a free trip, so...

But we're... we're going to the sperm doctor,

But what she wants is to be hotwifed.

But while I was eating those peaches,

But you are going to air, right?

But you gotta put that thing on.

But you guys definitely scheduled something very early.

But you ignored me the entire time

But you know what else I see, Bill?

But you know what it is?

But you know what?

But you saw it, and you're a genius,

But you... we don't have to act like this, Adam.

But you're as vanilla as they come.

But, Alice, your red carpet gown, it's gorgeous.

But, you know, you guys deal me something more powerful

Butter drop, bitch.

Butter my toast, will you?

Buttholes often.

By clean and jerking four gallons of lead based paint

By my porno if I don't have a slick butthole.

By saying what I'm about to say, but...

By these freaking murderous, villainous businessmen!

By this man's... Shut up.

Bye bye. Bye. Sorry about that.

Call him a dildo.

Call me a dildo.

Called "The Meat Mountain."

Calm down? Mother[bleep].

Came here to, you know, see the hair and the cars.

Can I get real for a sec?

Can somebody fix me?

Can we go to Pizza Hut with Cameron Diaz?

Can we stop doing that? Unless you ask me to do that.

Can we talk about my relationship with my stepsister?

Can we watch the basketball game for a little bit?

Can we, like, touch your hair or something?

Can you please knight me with a huge [bleep]?"

Captain Phillips.

Cared about impressing people that way.

Case I need to get out the driveway, go to the store.

Catchphrase!

Chair, this one, broken.

Check it out, guys.

Check this out. That's a new record.

Chicken Caesar salads, and Cherry Coke Zeroes?

Cigarette, my good man?

Clap back.

Clarity! I'm gonna see that [bleep]!

Colleen is gonna beat my ass

Come here.

Come here. Come here.

Come here. Come here. Oh.

Come on, Adam. Get your head in the game.

Come on, get up.

Come on, hug it out.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Come on, man, throw, like, the flare at the wolves.

Come on, we got to get to higher ground!

Come on!

Come on! Great call, Ders.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, you little prick.

Come on. No, Dad, wait, just hold on.

Comed.

Comedian you're gonna see this afternoon,

Congratulations.

Consider yourself dumped.

Continuously make it just cool enough.

Cool tie.

Cool, right?

Court... Courtnee.

Court... uh.

Courtnee has termidated Anders and Adam

Courtnee, Skyler's got a huge one.

Courtnee? Oh, well.

Cover your ugly, dumb face, 'cause my face,

Creamy clam chowder in their face.

Cut us free, Bill!

Daddy's gonna know.

Damn it. Are they okay?

Damn, she's got to be, like, 90.

Damn, you... changed, baby.

Damn!

Dang! Wait till you get a little of what I got.

Davis Neeves, "Diarrhea Period Pants."

Deadline for Whoopsie submission is 5:00.

Deal? Yes! Deal.

Ders, Ders, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ders, we're starting with the comedy, okay?

Did he just say my name?

Did he like you? Would he like me?

Did someone dull the paper cutter?

Did someone order Italian trio sammies,

Did you do this to spite me?

Did you get these lights for the Whoopsies?

Did you know He Hate Me?

Did you mention what?

Did you? I don't think so.

Ding ding ding!

Do I need to remind you guys

Do I? Do I kinda look like Carlton?

Do it!

Do it.

Do not be stupid, okay?

Do not eat the ribs, the queso, or the wings!

Do we have a deal?

Do we honestly have to keep doing this?

Do you even know what kindling is?

Do you guys wanna go to the bathroom?

Do you have children?

Do you have meaty thighs? How's your pain threshold?

Do you need some medicine or, like, a surgery or something?

Do you not want me to get discounts?

Do you think you are about to leave?

Do you think you're doing, blue car?

Do you?

Does that guy have a sandwich baggie full of his fingers?

Does that make you mad? Does that piss you off?

Does this look good?

Does your cell phone have service?

Does your cell phone have service?

Doesn't even drink. [laughs]

Doesn't have service, so what should we do?

Doesn't have service. Does your phone have service?

Doesn't stop off at The Wizarding World

Doing what you do and make some sales,

Don't be a sucker.

Don't be gauche.

Don't do that to me, okay? I want you to go to sleep.

Don't drink that.

Don't even think about it!

Don't fire us, please?

Don't kill anyone.

Don't laugh quite that hard.

Don't move!

Don't move!

Don't move!

Don't touch each other's face.

Don't touch that!

Don't you dare play me off!

Don't you ever lay a finger on my daughter again.

Don't you have that, um, thing really early in the morning

Don't you see that?

Don't you see?

Don't you think I would appreciate that?

Don't you think I would like a nice bike ride

Don't you, honey?

Don't! Turn around. Do not look where I'm hiding.

Done everything I wanted to do with my life.

Down and float, punch, left.

Down to my... pelvic and pubic area.

Dozen? Two dozen?

Drop it on 'em, A Bomb.

Dude, are you okay?

Dude, how amazing is this?

Dude, I eat a [bleep].

Dude, if you liked "Central Intelligence,"

Dude, it looks like someone CGI'd butthole hair back here.

Dude, just go "Waterworld,"

Dude, stop trying to dom him, dude, this is not the time.

Dude, that environmental film we watched

Dude, there's no booze anywhere on set.

Dude, this is the next, next, next, man.

Dude, we're supposed to be at work right now.

Dude, who cares?

Dude, you just rolled, like, 30 joints

Dude, your car is horn y... beep beep...

Duh.

Dumb ass!

Dumb environmental films.

Durruh... l l l l l...

DVD. VCR. Can't beat it.

Each and every day, you inspire me to be a better man.

Easy peasy.

Easy, is it...

Educational system at work.

Eh, eh, uh, uh!

Eight golds. Seven world records, guys.

Eighth eist.

Encourage him to pursue his dreams? That's...

End of story, okay?

Enjoy getting water critters climbing up your binghole, okay?

Enjoy.

Enjoying a couple of platters of Johnsonville brats

Envelope's kind of hard to open.

Errrooop! What are you

Even before I found out

Even better.

Even though I cut my toenails over the trash can.

Even though I was too far away to hear exactly what that was.

Even though we like to run around in the yard.

Ever since I was in the XFL,

Every month we select a brain damaged teen or adult

Everybody get the [bleep] up!

Everybody starts talking about you at the party, it's cool.

Everybody's so high. I'm supposed to be high.

Everything is about to change in three...

Everything's fine.

Evidently, stunts are exclusive to Adam.

Excellent.

Except that I'm choosing not to do that

Excuse me, I was... oh! Oh!

Excuse me. It's my show.

Excuse me. You guys haven't sold one whistle.

Exhale!

Explanation is true, what's with this guy here?

Eyebrows are a little bushy though.

Fart boxes all day.

Fashion trends or, like, totally be kept up with the Kardashians,

Faux Chella 'cause there's "fo" stages.

Faux Chella!

Feel it so hard now.

Feels like we have a really good episode.

Fine. Okay Predator shake?

First round of the loser weight fight.

First time for everything, right?

Five, six, seven, eight.

Flex for 'em, Goons. Get you some. Pop them titties.

Flex them like a... ah.

Float it... pose!

For "Bye Bye Birdie."

For an imminent earthquake tsunami here.

For being so mean to you at lunch.

For Bianca.

For certain things for certain people.

For choosing to follow their dreams.

For just shaving a butthole and staging a porno in our cubicle.

For matches to build a fire.

For my next feat, I shall husk this corn

For what, weekend warrior wannabes?

Forget something?