What Happens in Vegas (2008) Soundboard Edit

A buttload of beautiful women...

A few times.

About to break out.

All I know is, if I get dumped on my ass.

All right, I'll see you later, okay?

All right, look.

All right? You want an annulment.

All right.

All right. Go, 44.44.

And any absence...

And by not trying to please you.

And cry your guts out till you got no more

And I haven't had sex in forever.

And I pride myself on that.

And I think that anybody..

And I want to cut your friend Hater.

And I'd love to split them wide

And I'll just call it pathetic

And I'll just call it pathetic

And I'll tell you another thing

And sentencing you two to six months hard marriage.

And some call it a good hate

And the surprise was that he dumped me...

And then, you know,

And this is the rest of your board, actually

And to everyone who has ever been fired,

And you know what?

Anybody need a lawyer?

Asshole. Trying to get me to miss therapy.

Banger needs to see us upstairs.

Be married for six months, get $1.5 million

Because my current husband bought me one...

Because you look so fine

Besides, you don't want a divorce,

Bets are right there. All right. Roll them out.

Biologically programed to love you,

Brainiac, Chonger, move over.

But a slow glowing dream

But hey man now you're really living

But our computers are down right now,

But some totally relate

But some totally relate

But we both know that's a big, fat lie,

But you were with another man, yeah.

But, you know, guy code, I couldn't just...

By either leaving me...

Can you learn the words to every song I sing

Can't you understand I hate you my friend

Can't you understand I hate you my friend

Come on. What do you want?

Court is called to order.

Cutting loose, like everyone else.

Destroy it. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Do I like what you like? Why don't you like me?

Do you believe that? I was like, 'No.'

Do you train monkeys in here?

Do you want to be married to me?

Does it look...

Don't you come up to me and say you like it

Dovetail's off on the corner.

Dude, you don't get it.

Equally.

Ever.

Ever. Ever. Ever

Everyone, I'm so sorry,

Everything's all right

Excuse me?

Five, six thousand on this thing.

Game over, Jack.

Get down on it...

Get in your head.

Go ahead, boy, do your thing

Go ahead, boy, drink your drink

Go back to your... zoo

Good night, Mr. Fuller.

Good seeing you.

Gotta be everything more

Have fun, you guys.

He finished it.

He'd love it. He'd think we were bonding.

He's gonna be forced to grant you a divorce.

He's married

Hello, Las Vegas.

Hello.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey. So, you're from New York, we're from New York.

Hi, hubby, it's me. Open up.

Hi.

How about this? Why don't you just e mail me?

How weird is it going to be in court...

I am freezing the $3 million for the next six months...

I appreciate that.

I can do anything for six months.

I can do this. I can totally do this.

I can laminate it.

I could be anything you like

I could be brown I could be blue

I could be hurtful I could be purple

I could be violet sky

I could do a lot of things for money.

I could pretend

I don't know why

I don't want to live with you

I got it.

I gotta go. I'll see you next week.

I hate you my friend

I have to thank my wife, Joy.

I just want it to be love Oh. Oh. Oh.

I just wanted to give you this back.

I love everything about him.

I mean, pooch unscrewed. Free at last.

I need a key

I once had a grip on everything

I saved a baby today. I'm not a hero, though.

I spent the last four years of my life...

I think I became myself again

I think I just got to the point...

I think it's only a matter of time,

I think we need to call in some sluts

I think you just met my friend back there.

I want you two to listen to me.

I would rather do nothing and be happy..

I'd bet on you, Jack.

I'll take that. You mind?

I'm a lawyer.

I'm here about a noise complaint.

I'm just giving you what you wanted, baby.

I'm not going anywhere,

I'm not over

I'm not over

I'm ordering you both...

I'm really happy.

I've been in this business for a long time

I've gone identity mad.

If she's going to play dirty, so am I.

In a state of..

In here, guys. Yo, Jack, what up?

In my field.

In the machine and I pulled the lever.

Is this seat taken?

Isn't it beautiful? I mean, look.

It goes up, right? And then it goes down.

It just gives me tender bliss What is love, what is love?

It was a big, stupid mistake

It's called nausea.

It's not pretty, but we can...

It's okay. It's okay. They're gay.

It's so much fun in there. You guys are gonna love it.

Jack, would you put the ring upon her finger?

Jack?

Jack?

Junk punch him...

Let's go clean out your desk.

Like she gave you some kind of disease

Like that.

Listen up, girls. Do whatever you need...

Listen, I've been married for 25 years..

Listening. I love listening...

Lost your wallet, huh? Get out.

Mason has no idea, not an idea at all.

Maybe he would be. You don't know.

Maybe there was one tiny little thing...

Men and women are not meant to coexist.

Mi coffee es su coffee.

Miss McNally, are you sure?

Mmm hmm.

Morning, morning, morning.

Mr. Young. An honor. Hi.

My client recently spent the same amount...

My head.

My nose. My nose now.

My quarter on the machine that I was...

Naughty. Naughty

No

No job stressing me out.

No time for losers 'Cause we are the champions

No, I don't know you,

No, I remember when I didn't care...

No, no, no, no. Why?

No, you're wrong. You can't remember anything.

No, Your Honor, we do not.

No.

Not that you didn't before, it's just...

Now I'm going to figure out how to get into hers.

Now you don't need that money...

Now, Dr

Oh, I've got it. It's perfect

Oh, my God.

Okay, I think I'm gonna have to...

Okay, so I made...

Okay, that's not what I meant, okay?

Okay.

Okay. Everyone, hide. Hide, hide, hide.

Okay. Right.

On my popcorn:

On the open market for very long.

On the planet I'd ever sleep with.

One knows that nowadays One love will be the answer

One looks for happiness One longs to find a partner

One, two, three,

Or should I tell you not to, and then maybe you will?

Out of what is rightfully yours

Pick a team. Right now. Pick a team.

PLAYING)

Pretend like you don't make me vomit...

Raiders of the Lost Ark may be the greatest movie ever made.

Really trying to make her marriage work.

Really?

Relinquishing all the rights to the money

Right up in his man business...

Scheduling and planning, it's just...

Screaming, 'Why?'

See how it goes up and down. Okay?

See that? Isn't that magical? Amazing

She probably never told you all...

She threw it in the trash

She's awfully hostile for a girl named Joy.

Show him a good time.

So

So the least you could do is help me...

So you're the lucky guy.

So, look. This isn't working.

Some call it an obsession

Someone that's so completely broken.

Stripper. Hiya.

Sure someone else didn't do this to you?

Take him to court. It might be nice.

Taxi

Than shake your hand or wish you well

That Joy can actually be herself with,

That leaves $1.45 million to be divided..

That looks like it's gonna be comfortable for you.

That you thought, 'Hey, oh my God.

That you were trying to make the marriage work.

That you're both working on your marriage,

That, as individuals,

That's a beautiful veneer. Just throw that..

That's your wife?

The hospital?

The sanctity of marriage,

There should be a law against how bad a lawyer I am

There's also...

There's Brooklyn

These two have...

They seriously need to work on.

Think about it.

This is my party trick. Here it goes.

This is where we go our separate ways.

This is why everyone..

This year's Golden Handshake Award..

To cheat on you?

To everyone who's ever been dumped...

To go over to Mason's house, ring his doorbell,

To step up and be a man.

To the court...

To the retreat.

To what she has to say. It's just...

Trying to believe

Twitchell... Twitchell...

Unfortunately, I don't have any money

Watch me. Now, do either one of you...

We are the champions

We are very proud of you, Son.

We can work something out here.

We get some of my brother's loser ass friends...

We're dumping Bob whats his name,

Well, I hear the music

Well, I lost her at happy.

Well, thanks for the invite.

Well, the grownups have to go to work today.

What am I doing here?

What are you doing on Saturday?

What are you gonna do? Are you going to cut...

What are your hobbies?

What if we didn't?

What would it take for you to just...

What would you do?

What, you think this is all yours? God.

What? Thank you.

What? I can't hear you over the saw.

What're we doing?

What's that?

When I'm dressed...

When we were married, I was horrible.

When you get back home

When you have them eating out of the palm of your hand,

When's the last time you were, like, really happy?

Who can tell me I am lost? What is love, what is love?

Who wants sugar? Let's go.

Whoa. Whoa. Take it easy.

Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me?

Why don't you walk out the door?

Why don't you walk out the door?

With your own father.

Woman. Holy shit

Would a note do?

Would you like to buy some cookies?

Wow. Thank you, baby.

Yeah

Yeah, I don't have secrets from Sammy.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm..

Yes

Yes, I did, because that is what she is.

Yes, we can.

Yes.

You are demented.

You call Bear, you call every guy we know.

You can forget all your troubles...

You can't handle the pressure. As soon...

You didn't do anything in there.

You don't have to. It's fine.

You don't know her that well. This one's a wildcat

You found me.

You know what? Make it three.

You know,

You like to party?

You never felt good enough,

You only have yourself to blame.

You people are

You really hadn't thought that one through, had you?

You really lived up to the billing.

You're in my seat

You're just realizing that right now?

You're not exactly...

You're, like, the only man..

You've got this.

Your name is Dick Banger.

Your session is definitely still on.

Because you're not a very good lawyer.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Carefree. Say it like you mean it.

Do you know what time it is?

Excuse me?

Game on, sister. Game on.

Hey, hey. Hey.

How old are you, five? Six, actually. I'm six.

I am? Yeah.

I fell. You fell?

In which case... You would probably...

It's a feeding frenzy out there.

Joy's? Yeah.

Oh. Jeez... Okay, so we're good.

Oh... Have fun?

Really?

Right? Yeah.

Rockets. Rockets

Sluts? I know sluts. Make the call.

Thank you so much. No, thank you. Thank you

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thanks.

That stinks. Just a little bit of me.

This is the best party ever.

This is the greatest day of my...

Vegas, baby. Vegas?

What are you doing? What?

What? You didn't do anything.

Where's the bathroom door? We got robbed.

Yes, hi, this is Joy Fuller. Mrs. Fuller.

Yes, Mrs. Fuller? Yes

You are so immature. Please, woman.

You will also get the full $3 million.

...for richer or for poorer...

...this marriage to work. ...this marriage to work.

'Employee handles criticism poorly.'

'Hello, my name is Joy's Bitch.'

'Oh, I have a feeling, all right

'You put that toilet seat down,