Elf (2003) Soundboard Edit

A christmas tree buddy chopped it down in the park

A confirmation that santa must've been sighted because we have his book right here heh heh heh

A mail room no

A mailroom? No.

A reprint you know how much that's gonna cost

A song uh yeah anything for you dad

Actually i'm adopted

Actually there's a big difference

Ah wow what's this

Ah!

Ah!

All i'm saying is this might be the golden opportunity to find out who you really are

All I'm saying is...

All right all right

All right I got every weapon in the game

All right just bring them by the camper this weekend i'll see what I can do

All right let's do this

All right let's get it over with

All the mail comes out that shooter

Also never close your eyes because then you'll get sick

Am I sick yeah but we're here to do a test

Am I too loud just a little sorry

An elf

And as for me I can't complain buddy comes up to visit from time to time

And as you may have guessed that's where our story begins

And every year less and less people believe in santa claus

And guess what I love you I love you I love you

And his best idea is about a peach that lives on a farm

And how buddy was born and put up for adoption by his mother

And how she had later passed away

And I had time to build that rocking horse

And I was adopted but you didn't know I was born so i'm here now I found you daddy

And if she says yes you're in it's like a secret code girls have

And if you see a sign that says "peep show"...

And if you see a sign that says peep show that doesn't mean that they're letting you look at presents before christmas

And in six months you'll have to check them again won't he

And most importantly I told him where his father was in a magical land called new york city

And no farms everybody's pushing small town rural farm book would just be white noise

And once he comes to terms with reality he should drop the elf thing and move on with his life

And once he comes to terms with reality...

And one day when buddy was old enough I made him my own personal apprentice

And so buddy was sent where the special elves work

And so with a little help buddy managed to save christmas and his spirit saved a lot of other people too

And the only one who I would want working on my sleigh tonight really really

And the strain was too much the engine broke free of her mounts

And the trolls weren't toilet trained

And then I traveled to the seven levels of the candy cane forest past the sea of swirly twirly gumdrops

And then I walked through the lincoln tunnel

And they put it in these shiny bins shiny bins

And you're the only baritone in the elf choir you bring us down a whole octave in a good way

Another interesting elfism

Apparently all we have is vegetables I have no time so you know

Are you crazy he cannot stay here

Are you enjoying the view

Are you gonna sing a song or something or can I just go back to work

Are you kidding he's the worst dad in the world what do you mean all he does is work

Are you mad at me no

Are you okay

Are you okay i'm fine

Are you ready to see santa santa!

Are you sure

As much as buddy was accepted by his family and friends there were a few drawbacks to being a human in an elves' world

As soon as possible as soon as possible okay

As you can imagine it's dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season

As you know we need a big launch fast to get the company back on track

At least you have a daddy I was just rolled up one day and left out here in the cold

Attaboy thank you

Attention all gimbels shoppers please make your final purchases we'll be closing in 10 minutes

Back off slick you'll scare the deer

Be great to have you in the loop

Be my guest

Before I get into the story uh let me start with the cover okay

Before we learn how to build the latest in extreme graphic chipset processors let's recite the code of the elves shall we

Believe me we're already looking for new printers

Best way to spread christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear

Boy am I glad to see you

Boy you're hilarious my friend

Bud have you ever seen a mail room

Buddy are you okay

Buddy don't eat those

Buddy go back to the basement

Buddy I think there's something I probably should tell you

Buddy I think we have to talk

Buddy i've been around the world many times when I was a young cumulus nimbus cloud

Buddy is killing me

Buddy is that you

Buddy not now can you please go back to the pit

Buddy ran away what he left a note

Buddy we better get going get in now

Buddy we need power we're gonna crash

BUDDY: Hey.

BUDDY: What is it?

But I really wanted to see you and I think you're beautiful and I um I feel really warm when I am around you and um my tongue swells up

But you didn't know I was born

By the way I think you have the most beautiful singing voice in the whole wide world

Bye bye.

Bye, Buddy. Hope you find your dad.

Can't wait to see my dad we're gonna go ice skating and eat sugarplums

Can't wait.

Christmas spirit is about believing not seeing

Christmas spirit is about believing, not seeing

Code word is santa's got a brand new bag okay

Come on, give me your hat and coat.

Corporate must have sent in a professional.

Dad i'm in love i'm in love and I don't care who knows it

Dad!

Dad! Dad! Dad!

Dad?

Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here

Does santa know that you left the workshop

ELF: "Little Buddy Diapers."

Except dogs. Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow

Figure out what? Buddy cares about everybody.

Fine.

Have a good day oh I forgot to give you a hug

He did?

He doesn't, uh....

He must be a south pole elf

He's an angry elf

He's an imposter!

He's never been anywhere. He doesn't have any feet.

He's not santa claus! he's not santa!

Hey have you seen these toilets they're ginormous

Hey, hey, here I am.

Hey! There's no singing in the North Pole.

How long do you think you'll be with us I hadn't really planned it out but I was thinking like forever

I can sing but I just choose not to sing especially in front of other people

I didn't know you had elves working here

I don't know if I'm gonna have time.

I got some ideas.

I know that

I like it.

I like to whisper too

I told him his father had never even known that Buddy was born.

I waited five hours for you. Why is your coat so big?

I wasn't ready for that. Hey, hey, hey

I'm Buddy. I'm your son.

I'm getting too old for this job

I'm in the flow. That's what got me here

I'm not messing with you it's just nice to meet another human who shares my affinity for elf culture

I've got an eyewitness with me who claims to have seen the thing firsthand.

It is a crappy cup of coffee no it's the world's best cup of coffee

It seems i'm i'm not an elf of course you're not you're 6 foot 3 and had a beard since you were 15

It seems I'm.... I'm not an elf.

It's a tickle fight, tickle fight.

It's like a secret code girls have.

It's not very shiny

It's okay. Walter's my father.

It's pretty good. It's a little too good.

Listen some people they just lose sight of what's important in life that doesn't mean they can't find their way again huh

Look at you.

MANAGER: Come on.

Michael.

Mmm. Oh

Mrs. Claus made them for me.

My finger has a heartbeat

My papa yeah he didn't make master tinker till he was 490

My two top writers my crack team my fun squad you came in here pitching me the idea of hiring another writer yeah miles finch

No but things worked out pretty good they gave me a restraining order

No I got to get out of the flow well then get out i'm in the flow that's what got me here

No, it doesn't. It's very evil.

Now.

Oh, don't pay attention to Leon

Oh, man.

Oh! ooh wow it's sucky oh wonderful yes

Oh! Ooh.

Oh.

On Dasher. On Dancer.

Papa Elf gave it to me.

Put it in a canister and shove it up the tube with the same number.

Right

Run

Santa why are they chasing us I put them on the naughty list and they never forgave me

SANTA: Ho ho ho!

SANTA: Mmm.

SANTA: You can do it. Come on, Prancer. That's my boy.

Santa! It's me, Buddy!

Santa! oh my god! santa here I know him I know him

Santa.

See?

She wants to know how a certain puppy and a certain pigeon...

So after all that hard work...

So dad I planned out our whole day we'll make snow angels and then we'll go ice skating then eat a roll of toll house cookie dough as fast as we can and then to finish we'll snuggle

So did you uh sleep okay last night great I got a full 40 minutes

So good news I saw a dog today have you seen a dog you probably have

Some have accused them of being too gung ho when called into duty...

Stop messing around and get in.

Syrup in coffee why didn't I think of that can I try some

Thank you very much, you as well. What do I owe the pleasure?

Thanks but I don't sing oh it's easy it's like talking except louder and longer and you move your voice up and down

Thanks, Mr. Narwhal.

That is marvelous how that

That's exactly where I came from.

The clausometer suddenly just dropped down to zero there's just no christmas spirit anymore

Then I traveled through the seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest...

Then they can have lots of fun committing felonies

There seems to be a strange man dressed as an elf wandering through central park

There's probably a lot of things you didn't know about elves.

There's room for everyone on the nice list

They said you weren't gonna show up. They told me so many times.

They tried using gnomes and trolls but the gnomes drank too much

This place reminds me of santa's workshop except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me

This place reminds me of Santa's workshop.

Uh oh sounds like someone needs to sing a christmas carol

Uh, great. Could we hear it?

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups candy candy canes candy corns and syrup

We have the naughty and nice list.

Well if you're santa what song did I sing for you on your birthday this year

Well it tastes like a crappy cup of coffee

Well, that was weird.

Well, um, you should probably get out of here.

What a blessing you are. What a blessing you are

What about this a tribe of asparagus children but they're self conscious about the way their pee smells

What who do they think puts all their toys under the tree well there's a rumor floating around that the parents do it

What's a christmas gram I want one

Whew.

Why don't you just say it i'm the worst toy maker in the world

Why you smiling like that I just like to smile smiling's my favorite

Working's fun not the way he does it all he cares about is money doesn't care about you or me or anybody

Wowee! Wow.

Yeah, why don't you go back to Gimbels?

Yeah!

Yes. Yes, I raised Buddy.

You did it! congratulations world's best cup of coffee great job everybody it's great to meet you hi

You have lots of talents.

You know what we can take them okay just start making as many snowballs as you can

You know, Buddy, nobody around here listens to me

You like sugar huh is there sugar in syrup yes then yes!

You look hilarious who sent you papa elf

You missed.

You ready?

You sit on a throne of lies

You smell like beef and cheese you don't smell like santa

You walk out of here and you're finished at Greenway!

You wanna give me a hand with that?

You wanna make me happy don't you more than anything then lose the tights I mean as soon as possible

You want me to help?

You're just special.

And? And, uh....

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Come with me. Come on. Right.

Get upstairs. Okay, I didn't know.

Good morning, honey. Morning, Dad.

Hey! It's okay. I just have a git for my dad.

Hobbs. Hey

Honey. What?

How you doing? Please sit down.

I have patients waiting. Please sit still.

I'm Santa Claus. No, you're not.

It's not free candy. Oh.

Mark Webber wants an electric guitar." Yes.

Ooh. Call me elf one more time. Call me elf

Santa Claus. Right.

Santa's coming to town. Yes.

So you really think we should ship them? No.

The engine's gone. We're toast.

What? Walter, breakthrough.

What? MORRIS: Okay.

Yeah, up yours. Hey.

You built this? Mm hm.

You got that? I think so.

...and how Buddy was born and put up for adoption by his mother.

...and you could stay home and watch him?

...and, um, my tongue swells up.

...ate spaghetti, worked in a shiny mailroom...

...in the whole wide world

...past the Sea of Swirly Twirly Gumdrops.

...this might be the golden opportunity to find out who you really are.

"Charlotte Dennon wants a Tiffany engagement ring...

(all cheering)

(all cheering) (2)

(both laughing)

(both scream)

(both yell)

(box chiming pop goes the weasel)

(box chiming pop goes the weasel) (2)

(buddy gasps kids screaming)

(buddy gasps) beautiful

(buddy long belching)

(buddy yelling)

(dial tone humming)

(door opens)

(door opens) (2)

(door slams)

(elevator dings buddy gasps)

(elevator dings)

(elevator dings) (2)

(elves cheering)

(gnome belches)

(grunts)

(jack in the box laughs buddy gasps)

(jack in the box laughs buddy gasps) (2)

(jack in the box laughs)

(jovie singing auld lang syne)

(knocking on door)

(phone rings) buddy the elf what's your favorite color

(raccoon shrieks)

(santa hollering kids cheering)

(santa's sleigh taking off)

(screams in pain)

(screams)

(singing santa claus is coming' to town)

(singing santa claus is coming' to town) (2)

(singing santa claus is coming' to town) (3)

(thermo coupler short circuits)

(troll farts)

(walrus sobbing) there there

(woman laughs on tv)

[ALL SINGING ALONG]

[BUDDY AND SANTA LAUGHING]

[BUDDY GASPS, KIDS SCREAMlNG]

[DOOR OPENS]

[ELVES CHEERING]

[GRUNTS]

[HORN HONKING]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[JACK IN THE BOX LAUGHlNG]

[JACK IN THE BOX LAUGHS]

[JOVIE CHUCKLES]

[SANTA SHOUTING]

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

[SNORING]

[WALRUS SOBBING]

[WALTER SINGlNG ALONG]