Workaholics (2011) - Season 2 Edit

A brand new, top of the line Glacier refrigerator.

A cheap TV on Craigslist.

A couple of burgers, all right?

A couple of the guys are taking it to a party

A dick shin.

A dragon statue?

A dragon statue.

A drug dealer anymore, to be honest.

A few moves that I know, that could, you know,

A filtered clove cigarette,

A force to be reckoned with.

A little restaurant called Pastafari.

A little slurp for you, a little slurp for me.

A little what? Oh, you're ignoring me now?

A lot of bath salts.

A lot of people say I look like Matt Damon...

A password we need or anything?

A Pocahontas situation with some leathery Hedo babes.

A pretty serious virus.

A question that I get asked all the time by people,

A regular girl.

A sax player in the band, you idiot?

A two year pay bump at work.

A very tight butthole for you, my friend.

A ZZ Top shirt.

About hearing what a great salesman Montez is.

Act real. Why aren't you real?

Actually the metal in my belt's pokin' it a little bit.

Actually, I wouldn't mind if we just cemented over the ocean.

Actually, it sucks pretty bad. Very loud.

Actually, my nickname is Blade.

Adam "The Main Attraction" Demamp really is.

Adam, finish him. Babe ality.

Adam, how are we doing on the music for the ceremony?

Adam, I'd think about cutting down on the smoking.

Adam, I'm sorry to say this, but we got to let you go, bud.

Adam, we're leaving.

Adam, you be the firee...

Adam!

Adam?

Again, take care.

Agh agh

Agh! Agh, my eyes!

Agh.

Ah! Ow! Ow!

Ah! The brakes!

Ahh. [laughing]

Alice is in an especially shouty mood today.

Alice, I can't do it.

All aboard to downtown Pound Town.

All eat Thanksgiving together tomorrow,

All I do know is, I got to go pinch out a growler,

All right, all right.

All right, all right. That's it. That's it.

All right, be calm, and just say it.

All right, hey, you know what? My treat.

All right, I don't have time to train a new person anyway.

All right, I know this is really tough for us

All right, I want you to draw a picture of your addiction.

All right, let's go figure out how to put this

All right! I'm not nervous!

All right?

All right?

All right.

All right.

All right. Here's the deal.

All right. Statute 7 B,

All right. What about you, Waymond?

All you gotta do is give me that shark blimp.

All you had to do was sign it and mail it.

All: ♪ Too heavy, too light, too black or too white ♪

All: Ah!

All: Dessert first! Dessert first!

All: Let's get weird! We're getting weird!

All: Mmm.

All: Mmm.

All: Mmmmmmwah!

All: Oh!

All: Oh! Ugh! Shit.

All: One! Two! Oh!

All: Surprise!

All: Vote or die.

All: Vote or die.

All: Whoa.

All: Yeah. That sounds fun.

Almost as dumb as not drinking for an entire week.

Also, she's insane.

Also, some sales would be nice, guys.

Am I rambling a little bit? I'm excited.

American muscle, now, that's where it's at.

And a lot of times. Sorry.

And a neti pot.

And a shot of prune juice and Jagermeister,

And Adam Demamp.

And again and again and

And again, I'm sorry about that.

And all the blood's rushin' into it,

And also Stone Cold Steve Austin via TV.

And also the $70 dress that I got you,

And and maybe see if we could

And another guy already ruined her dress, so...

And as for you guys,

And at my funeral, play Kells!

And bath salts.

And be sales monsters.

And beat this addiction like the boss that I am.

And besides that, I've been fired

And besides, if we did fight,

And Blacks on Blondes, Buff Blacks

And break my rules,

And bring Eunice and all these awesome chicks.

And call myself splinter, huh?

And calling yourself Adolf Shitler?

And come again...

And come back and get you guys, but what are you doing?

And coming to the stage now,

And dedicated a song to his dad.

And didn't invite me to see Rudy.

And don't check "not guilty" by accident

And don't put meats on my desk.

And drag my ass into court, okay?

And everyone has been on that list, even you.

And everything he's saying is a lie.

And finger fuck you in the holes that it leaves.

And fought the man, but we're not real men,

And fruit punch.

And get his "Claude o graph."

And get our raises.

And Gil.

And go back to work, please?

And go into the show, please?

And got drunk like usual?

And he has a name, and it's actually Cee Lo Green.

And he needs to leave.

And he showed up, most importantly.

And he'll probably, like, break the story.

And he's a doctor, so why would you question...doctors?

And he's not a professional, but you said you wanted

And here's a slogan.

And here's your release form.

And I came to proclaim my love.

And I could tell that you were using it

And I do it sometimes.

And I don't have a passport, so I need your help, bud.

And I don't know how you do it, Wes.

And I got some burgers to prove it.

And I heard that you and Dale are the people to talk to.

And I hope you're ready to feel the fury

And I just wanted a condom big enough

And I just wanted to let you know

And I know they need more chairs outside.

And I never will now

And I promise you,

And I realize now that if anything were to go wrong,

And I think I'm 'bout to kick her le ass.

And I thought I'd try to make it right,

And I thought it would be a real treat

And I thought that Jamaica was part of the U.S.

And I told you, I've never been camping before.

And I want the best for you.

And I was like... pbbt!

And I will try the Jamaican jerk lasagna.

And I would buy you Apple Pucker,

And I'll Schindler those fools right now.

And I'm buyin'.

And I'm going to do it.

And I'm going to do whatever I wanna do!

And I'm going with my real family, Adam and Ders.

And I'm gonna be very careful next time.

And I'm gonna get wild with them, all right?

And I'm gonna just...

And I'm gonna use it all the time now.

And I'm killing myself.

And I'm not feeling bad about it at all.

And I'm out.

And I'm trying to buck.

And I've got AIDS, so it's not worth it.

And I've noticed that.

And if you don't

And if you remember,

And if you want the keys,

And it gets super hard.

And it meant a lot to all of us at the time.

And it was because of...

And it was gone.

And it's a furious beast.

And it's all, like, free, basically.

And it's great to be back, you know?

And it's hurtin' my pride.

And it's I mean, I can't maintain a jaw line like this.

And it's Karl's fault, so I'm gonna make him pay.

And it's time to whup his ass.

And jammed hard to mash ups

And kick it with his brother, who owns a Wienerschnitzel?

And lighting candles.

And making it a successful workday?

And marrying girls and stuff.

And me?

And money is no object.

And my and that's also another term for my dick.

And my black friend online calls me the white Tyrese,

And my butthole is sweating like it's getting paid to.

And my dick went back inside my body.

And my tiki torch, extra oil.

And no matter what this guy says or throws my way, you know,

And now Adam is choking on his gum.

And now Ders is gonna get to put his thing in her mouth?

And pours a beer on your head,

And put the red ones to the outside

And quite frankly, you developed into

And resell 'em, huh?

And save your ass, uh, though.

And see how long I can masturbate.

And she actually just moved here from Australia.

And she grounded you too?

And she was just blowin' him seven days straight.

And she'll have no choice but to date one of us.

And she's just been acting like a real trick.

And she's our boss.

And some scrunchies.

And teach me how to drive?

And that that scares me.

And that bench over there, right?

And that means you're not gonna get paid

And that's a chop.

And that's not how Adam "The Main Attraction" Demamp

And that's not scary that I remembered it at all.

And the kitchen serves beer all day.

And the more I think about it, we should act out, like,

And the next minute I got a cerveza in the face.

And the pro surfers, okay?

And the white ones on the inside,

And then destroying them.

And then I get all body conscious.

And then I might get to meet Jean Claude

And then I was adopted by those horrible Koreans.

And then I'm gonna be up in your grills

And then never returns it.

And then Nike will probably buy it...

And then there's everything that's happens to

And then they gave me away,

And then they went crazy.

And then those babies were gonna suck on your titties.

And then we had the iPod dock also proving it.

And then when everybody comes rushing out of the theater,

And then you fire me like a cold blooded robot.

And then you fire me.

And then you started dressing all weird and

And then, like, hit the switch and unlock

And there is also...

And they deal with it.

And they'd be doing everything I want them to do.

And they're like, "Oh, don't hit

And this hat's badass.

And this is my Thanksgiving video.

And this little Indian isn't going to go anywhere

And to make matters worse, I can't find my Uncrustables,

And took fate into our own hands like Conan.

And tore sleeves of cool golf shirts

And turn them in to the dude sheriff,

And we are just gonna...

And we don't use that name in this house.

And we got saved by a girl.

And we had to dunk some fools, man.

And we love each other, so...

And we might blow this grate.

And we never bucked, so... What are you gonna do?

And we noticed that you date, like, weirdly average dudes,

And we ride it out.

And we sent a "save the dates" out yesterday.

And we would both drink it into the night.

And we'll call things even.

And we'll see how it goes.

And we're never gonna meet them together,

And we're ready to crown him the king

And wipe your ass for you.

And y'all know I'm talking about road head.

And you can forget about the deleted scenes too,

And you can hardly tell some days.

And you just looked so peaceful, so I just snapped a pic.

And you know what?

And you won't judge me.

And you'll be good.

And you're always going to be dirty brown water trash.

And you're changing for all the wrong reasons.

And you're dirty brown water trash.

And you're gonna go see Eric in HR.

And you're looking at me like, "What happened to that guy

And you've been driving it drunk?

And your ambitions deserves everything

And yours is?

And, Ders, I'm sorry that I stole your panties.

And, like, he he's, like, a party pooper.

And, oh

And, oh, I got you this gift to you.

And, uh, balloons, I guess.

And, uh, celebrate at the bar?

And, uh, I'd like to introduce you to Naomi.

And, um, the entertainment center, of course,

And, um...

And...

And...

And...Hannah.

Anders Holmvik.

Anders Holmvik.

Anders, I am asking you to do this, okay?

Anders, let's go.

Anders, say "what's up" to the camera.

Another victory.

Any objections?

Anybody?

Anyway, I'm not going.

Anyway, moving on.

Anywhere on this planet.

Are gonna get a little appetite worked up.

Are having sex with it.

Are Notorious and Blow,

Are still alive and well.

Are we not all drug dealers... brah?

Are wearing right now.

Are you all right? [grunting]

Are you gonna buy anything?

Are you gonna program it?

Are you guys havin' that? I have really big balls, though.

Are you serious?

As a gift.

As I told you, I'm a very busy person.

As in Beckford, as in B as in

Asking for votes, okay?

At a house party before I was born.

At a Menards when I was a kid.

At John G. Neihardt Elementary.

At least one poseur involved in this equation.

At our nah.

At the International House of Salads?

At the Museum of Tolerance of Alcohol?

At the Pasadena Aquatic Center!

Back in the 'Vo.

Bad news.

Bash bros! Bash bros!

Bash bros. Remember that from earlier?

Basically just getting the butter

Baywatch those beers, you're doing great.

Be courteous, have fun,

Be free, spirit in the sky.

Be gone.

Be my Christopher Guest.

Because both of you are extremely handsome men.

Because he's trying to save this country.

Because home has tons of pornography.

Because I don't know you.

Because I forgot to do that

Because I just put a piece in, and I'm already buzzing.

Because I thought we were work friends,

Because I wanted to hang out with you,

Because I was eating Froot Loops.

Because I will do that.

Because I'm a man.

Because I'm also a vegetarian too.

Because I'm just a really good friend of yours,

Because I'm pretty sure you fell from heaven.

Because it's a beautiful occasion.

Because it's cute...

Because it's in, like, five hours,

Because it's your wedding,

Because of my expensive hair foam!

Because of you and that Playstation, bub.

Because of you.

Because our body is the perfect human form

Because P.N. is post noon.

Because real men eat dessert first.

Because that looks heavy, and I'm...

Because that's the way I feel about you.

Because the sweetest revenge is living well.

Because we wanted to give this to you,

Because we're going back to the workbook.

Because we're playing the Dragons this weekend

Because you said you'd give us one at the party

Because you're one of the oldest people I know.

Beefy. In all the right ways.

Beer only, and don't talk to Ashley.

Before I beat your ass

Before we start, let me do some attendance, if that's okay.

Before we were so rudely interrupted,

Before you can start working again.

Being a girl as hard as possible.

Being sober makes you really see things

Believe it or not, it's actually Pier 1.

Besides the fact that this is gonna take our friendship

Besides, Alice is the only one that can fire me.

Beverages in the back. Help yourself.

Bikes, lemons, internet. Yeah.

Blake, before I forget,

Blake, I'd love for you to meet Hannah.

Blake, I'm so sorry I stole that condom from you.

Blake, if you would just get to it?

Blake, shall we?

Blinding.

Boom! No! [sobs]

Both: ♪ City break dancer man ♪

Both: Dessert first!

Both: It smells so good.

Both: Lawry's.

Both: So put your fears aside, for Adam is alive.

Both: What you have seen here was not real.

Both: Yeah.

Both: Yeah.

Both: Yeah. Pay for the battery.

Bring me home some Jamaican jerk lasagna.

Brother?

Buckle up.

Buddy, if you want to ditch on the class,

Bum rushed the stage,

Bunny, you're doing an excellent job.

Bush.

But also undercover, though. Yeah.

But at least he knows

But Buddy Ferrera, well, he's a goatee sportin',

But did we see another love blossom into fruitation?

But didn't know

But he's got a super cool iguana inside.

But hopefully alive, 'cause that'd be so weird

But I can't do it alone.

But I guess he's got a few gigs lined up for me,

But I have a marriage pact with your daughter,

But I know who has some perfect moobs!

But I love that girl.

But I pulled my back this morning...farting.

But I think this Turkey Day's

But I was I made the call.

But I'll take my ice cream first,

But I'm 37.

But I'm also a water human.

But I'm going to miss you.

But I'm immature because I know, when I grow up,

But I'm not going anywhere!

But I'm not gonna ask her.

But I'm not ready for that right now,

But it didn't work.

But it's just because I care about you,

But it's not about you.

But it's really puttin' a nice shimmer.

But maybe we should get back to work, yeah?

But maybe we should go home to Chill Ville.

But more importantly, we have dug out

But nope, you have to go fool me

But not the peppered. I've got acid reflux.

But nothing on the Swedish meatball here.

But now we're at the same harbor, huh?

But our winner is Blake Henderson.

But seriously, I just wanted to show you guys a few steps,

But sometimes I don't know what's best.

But sometimes, you got to save that...for later.

But that's just 'cause he's, like, really, really strong.

But then girls in my grade started to develop,

But there's things called child locks.

But this is an emergency, okay?

But this is the U.S.A.

But those are horses.

But we can't do anything because they're having this wedding!

But we're definitely going to be seeing each other

But we've got six hours to get to Hedonism II.

But what was I saying was,

But where's the dragon statue and

But where's the dragon, you bitch?

But with poo in the water instead of chocolate.

But with, like, our money, though.

But without drinking.

But you brought strippers, albeit some fine ass strippers,

But you don't care, do you?

But you know what I got?

But you know what? I never follow through with it.

But you owe me later, so...

But you probably won't be seeing as much of me,

But you said, "chop." I thought you had a knife.

But you still parked in a red zone, kid.

But you're not allowed to masturbate at work.

But you're not getting paid until you do it.

But you're wearing my underwear.

But you're wrong, and I hate you.

But your look

But, Ders, you're kinda GQ.

But, like, it'd be weirder to stop.

But, uh, Alice said that Ders had the look

But, uh, stay out of the front bedroom.

But, uh, until then, hey, Ders...

Butt naked humping stuff.

Butterfly knife.

Butthole, when used properly in a sentence

By marrying water trash.

By mounting her on the hood of the 'Vo.

Bye. Bye, bye.

Can get a band that is very classy.

Can I come in your zone, Blake?

Can I get by?

Can I get some of that gum?

Can I have some more tokens?

Can I help you?

Can I just dip my finger in the mayonnaise?

Can I just say that out loud?

Can you please?

Can you put 'em on me? Yep, mm hmm.

Can you stop? I just lost a sale.

Can't no strange come between what I got in this bedroom.

Can't run around looking like that.

Can't you please just do it right now?

Canoe, or small boat.

Cares about my hopes and dreams.

Caught a piece of shrapnel in the war.

Cee Lo Green style.

Changing stuff up,

Cheap export swag.

Check it out!

Check it out. I brought some disguises.

Check it out. I got some Dank William Juniors.

Check the gun, hotshot.

Chop, chop.

Chumming right up.

City break dancer man?

Claude o graph!

Clean record, okay?

Clearly, you're all insane!

Clock's ticking by, let's go.

Coach probably doesn't like you smoking, huh?

Colin Farrell. "Get at me! Get at me!"

Colleen don't even get to ride in this,

Colleen got promoted to principal

Colleen got that stingray coochie.

Come back out here, get on the phones,

Come on, dry off.

Come on, dudes, we got to cover this whole thing.

Come on, have a seat. Not this one.

Come on, I am desperate housedude at this moment, dude.

Come on, man. Keep up, keep up.

Come on! Go get it, little guy!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Talk to me.

Come with me, Amy.

Comes.

Comin' through the walls, just [grunts violently]

Coming anywhere near my ledge, all right?

Coming to one of my sing alongs finally.

Consider yourself chopped. That's a chop back.

Cool. Yeah.

Daddy DeMamp will take care of the rest.

Daddy likes mom butts.

Damien!

Damn it!

Damn it!

Damn! You are just, like, really sweating.

Damn. Where you learn how to draw like that?

Dan Cortese would've made that.

Dang it. Our bad.

Dang!

Dang! Okay?

Darius Rucker said it, so you know it's real.

Dead or alive.

Deandre's banging Leila Strachan in there.

Defines my jaw line. I need it for the comp.

Demamp power grunt, like, whoa,

Ders is looking like a bald old woman.

Ders looks old as fuck. Let's be honest.

Ders wants to know if he can masturbate in the office.

Ders, what are you doing?

Ders, what's goin' on, buddy?

Ders! Ders, wake up! Wake up!

Ders' beautiful hair,

Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first! Dessert first!

Destroy ze prototype.

Dibs on your hair gel, dude.

Did I tell you that?

Did someone tell you that you were?

Did that look awesome?

Did these guys try to kidnap you or something?

Did we not all cry during that Steve O documentary?

Did you buck Mommy?

Did you do this to me? No.

Did you guys use to do that?

Did you just...

Did you know that the word actually comes from

Did you not get it?

Did you say hi to Principal Senn?

Dig around for dirt with my mind shovel.

Dissolve into oblivion.

DJ Chris unchained!

Do it Ninja Turtle style.

Do you coordinate with the fuzz? Do you work alone?

Do you even have a target demo that you're thinking of?

Do you even know how many people go blind

Do you feel me, Ders?

Do you frequent any low security websites?

Do you guys want to go?

Do you have any more tokens?

Do you have one of these?

Do you know where she keeps her credit cards?

Do you not like Step Brothers?

Do you want one?

Do you want to know why?

Does anybody here have an objection?

Does anybody object to the marriage?

Does anybody want any g****s or anything?

Does he do your hair?

Doesn't mean it doesn't deserve to die,

Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to swoop.

Don't compliment yourself so much.

Don't even listen to Ders.

Don't forget that. We changed your life.

Don't think I don't know how to reload this thing,

Don't you fucking dare call me.

Dr. Drew said the best way to quit drinking

Drinking Boon's Farm and just bumping some Jamie Foxx, man.

Drinks for my buddies!

Dude, check this out.

Dude, chick's on pace to bang everyone tonight, you know?

Dude, I took the keys right off that fool's desk.

Due to their recent performance.

Dumb decision?

During the second course, but let's just open it now.

Eating three squares?

Egregious.

Erotic theater.

Especially since I got one of those fifth grade boners,

Euphegenia Henderson, my dear.

Even a blind man can land a punch

Even a blind man can land a punch

Even though I put your daughter in a two bedroom in Manhattan!

Every weekend for the rest of your lives.

Everybody knows that.

Everybody's a tough guy! Swing on you, bro.

Everyone else back to work!

Everyone knows that.

Except for Sewer Dwayne. He's here.

Except guess what.

Except that I didn't do that

Excuse me. You got choco tacos?

Feel like I threw away my whole early 20s.

Find a real identity? 'Cause you're lying to yourself.

Fine, I'll do it, but only because

Finish my sentences.

First I'd have to get married, but then...

Five fridges in 40 minutes.

Five years from today.

Flipping over big rocks,

Follow this. Yeah.

For a second, I imagined having a kid that was part you,

For bringing a knife to school.

For nothing! That sucks for you.

For one of our favorite clients, Fuzzy Onesies.

For the company website, you dummy.

For the new website,

For the next president of Rancho Cucamonga,

For the rest of my life,

For the rest of the day.

For three and a half semesters.

For you being the best best man

Four days, three nights.

Four of you are getting the chop.

Freakin' Austrians, like, land down under.

From a lot of jobs before...

From a website called Whaletails dot

From Adam "The Top Gun" Demamp's life,

From MTV? You guys don't remember?

From pizza shrapnel?

From the ground up, and you firing me?

From turning into the Ders.

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yes!

Fuck! Shit!

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck! Shit!

Full house tonight, huh?

Fully in control of my addiction, so...

Gather around.

Gather round to see the freak show.

Get 'em.

Get an agent, go big time, probably

Get at it, boys.

Get back okay.

Get back! Let's just go.

Get in that

Get in that car right now!

Get me a bomb pop.

Get me an Italian with extra mayonnaise

Get my fitness on.

Get out of here, you pussy! Yes, ma'am. Here.

Get out of the poop water!

Get outta town.

Get over yourself, dude.

Get rid of your stuff, you stupid dummy!

Get this bad boy there. Cool, yeah.

Get to take a trip to Vegas

Get together with some of my close dude friends,

Get up on this ledge. Come on, come on.

Getting jealous.

Gil surprised me and brought me veggie spring rolls.

Give him a swirly.

Give it to me! You thief! No! No! No! No!

Give it to me. Wow.

Give me another. I don't care.

Give me your hands. Let's play a game.

Go home and you RICE, all right?

Go switch tops, and then get me a cup of coffee

Go to your room.

Go, Wolves.

Go!

God, don't you guys have any restraint?

God! I hate temping.

Going back down. Oh, we'll go back down.

Going undercover.

Gonna be a little different because...

Gonna get that garage fridge.

Gonna get the **** van back somehow.

Gonna grow my hair out again.

Gonna let somebody else put their hands on your baby?

Good afternoon, RC South.

Good day.

Good God, you smell.

Good idea. No.

Good luck. Oh, thanks, man.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning.

Good to see you.

Good work, bud. Proud of you.

Good work.

Good, good, good, good, good guy.

Good. Get the platinum one.

Gosh, what the heck is wrong with that guy?

Got a couple files on here I really need.

Got caught up stealing statues.

Got it from Karl.

Got the files back on it.

Got the proposal on it.

Got to be pretty good hunting. There's a bike path.

Got us backstage.

Gotta ride this one out like a hurricane.

Grab your guns!

Great.

Greetings, my fellow Rancho Cucamongans.

Guess what. I'm gonna do this right now.

Guess who came back for you.

Guess who I voted for in 2000.

Guys who are gonna take you home, so come on.

Guys, can we have the room?

Guys, I found my Tevas.

Guys, wait. Wipe your feet.

Guys, wrong house, I'm telling you.