American Dad! (2005) - Season 9 Edit

A fake driver's license for me?

A ha!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Actually, I did move out for a bit.

All because of this!

All I have to do is bait the trap.

All right, good. And stay out!

All right, he'll do your I.D.'s.

Almost master baited myself there.

Although now that I think about it,

And a trip to the Cape with his family,

And don't worry about Dad.

And don't you like working with your big sis?

And fair food gives me the runs.

And get yourself a nice phone case?

And he may be a master forger,

And his name is Steve

And I accidentally picked up a 17 year old girl

And I can't do it without you.

And I don't want to wake up.

And I just know I could do something about it

And I was wondering if you could maybe do

And I was, I was just trying to look cool.

And I'm like, "Yeah, but the price per page is lower."

And I'm, like, "No, I don't want to upset you.

And if you two don't back off my territory,

And it might be a Gutt I.D. ah for you to give up.

And it might be a Gutt I.D. ah for you to give up.

And now Dad has no idea what's going on.

And parking.

And she's, like, "Hey, do what you want."

And so, after four dates

And that you're Gutten colder,

And that you're Gutten colder,

And then you told those girls I was a loser.

And there's something sexually ambiguous living in his attic.

And they are looking to buy some cigarettes.

And this is all my fault.

And tie up my hands.

And tonight will be his last.

And you're not even saying "Whoo."

And, you know who would love that joke?

Any of those will be fine.

Any time, sis.

Anyway, Guttenberg parks his van at Fifth and Wellington

Anyway, your new priority is to find the man

Are you nuts?! That's too dangerous.

As you two look right now.

At home.

At least I'm not a loser.

At least I'm not broke.

At most, you'd get a slap on the wrist.

At the last moment, I'd be a sex offender right now.

Attention, you in the warehouse!

Because he's a great butler.

Because she accidentally wore underwear.

Before he fell on all those bullets coming out of my gun.

Berg your pardon?

Besides, we're making too much money

Boo! Boo!

Boy, do I know this house.

Brandon! Leave my friends alone!

But first he's got to do his day job.

But how did you hide the equipment?

But I am a master bai... whoa!

But I use my wrists all the time.

But I'm the genius that makes it all happen.

But not that hard.

But she's, like, "No, they cost too much."

But should that day ever come... and it won't...

But that time there was incentive!

But they don't teach you how to live with a mistake.

But we have no record of a man by that name ever existing.

But we were partners,

But, sir, Guttenberg or not, I can't arrest my own daughter.

But, uh, you know.

Buy fake I.D.'s?

Calm down. He doesn't know it's us.

Can I ask you where one might...?

Can I buy you a drink?

Can I go out with you and Kevin tonight?

Can you do it?

Cat Gutte your tongue?

Classic.

Come on, Steve, pick up.

Come on, Steve, we got a lot of work to do.

Come on, Steve. Chop chop!

Come out with your hands up!

Come work for me. We'll make a bundle.

Dad, Steve's in trouble!

Damn it!

Damn it! We're late.

Did Ramage make you that?

Did you get that intel you were looking for?

Did you hear that?

Dimitri, you old so and so!

Do we have any leads?

Do you know how much money we could make?

Don't look so surprised. You know it's me.

Every Thursday night.

Excuse me, fellow youth.

F.B.I.

Father is driven, but stunningly dim.

Feel free to ask a follow up question.

Fine as hell, dawg.

First of all...

For that, but what I do have are these brawny sidemen.

For the Little League World Series,

For you to chicken out now.

From building blanket forts.

From now on,

From the health department.

Get lost, Ramage.

Go on in.

Gosh, be careful, okay?

Great pastrami!

Great.

Green cards, counterfeit currency.

Guard!

Guttenberg, we know you're in there!

Hayley, can I talk to you in private for a minute?

Hayley, what you're suggesting could get us in deep trouble.

Hayley, who are you calling?

Hayley, why'd you take the rap for me?

Hayley, wow.

Hayley, you spent a lot of money on this limo

Hayley, you spent a lot of money on this limo

Hayley!

He goes by the name Guttenberg.

He likes to think we're partners,

He said his name was Guttenberg,

He says he's your lawyer.

He should be as nervous

He'll make you one for 200 bucks.

He's a licensed Federal Boobie Inspector.

He's energetic.

He's from a two parent home.

He's got him again!

He's got him again!

He's probably watching me right now!

He's smart...

He's toying with me.

He's tricky...

He's very energetic.

Hello?

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, driver, pull over!

Hey, how's everyone doing?

Hey, how's the tail in there tonight?

Hey, I'm all for making a guy work for it,

Hi, Steve.

Hi, welcome to Boobers where we got a Double D

Hi. So I I have your passports.

His official lawyer card checks out.

His parents made us sleep in separate rooms,

Hold on, lady.

How do your parents feel about you working here?

I am.

I can't believe we're eating here.

I can't even...

I didn't realize how.

I didn't think you could afford one.

I do.

I don't care how dangerous it is.

I don't know.

I finally got the information I was looking for.

I guess I deserve to be in here for the next ten years.

I guess we'll catch you later then.

I had plenty of time to put the bag over my head

I I can't afford $200.

I I haven't seen you since high school.

I just got a lot on my mind.

I just wanted to give that loser a break

I just wanted to say how impressed I was

I knew I could find the kitchen blindfolded.

I knew it!

I know a club that doesn't card.

I know. I'm sorry.

I mean, with your talent and my distribution network,

I need a partner who respects me.

I only know that one song.

I say you got a lot of nerve

I used Steve to make money, and and...

I want in.

I was just walking home for dinner

I won't take my cuffs off of you.

I... I felt bad.

I.D.'s.

I'll be back in a minute to take your order.

I'll leave you to your whispers.

I'll take my chances.

I'm actually here on official business.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to verify those alleged breasts.

I'm afraid this might be one big dream,

I'm fine. I just missed the step backing out.

I'm glad you came around.

I'm gonna take a break and check on the girls.

I'm just the loser who makes blanket forts.

I'm leaving the house as someone else.

I'm looking for Mike Rotch.

I'm not a loser!

I'm not falling for this again.

I'm not talking to you, sweetheart.

I'm only doing this one more time.

I'm taking on a lot of risk here.

I'm talking to the talent.

I've been keeping things from him my whole life.

I've just been handed a very important case.

If I could just get in there.

If these got into the wrong hands,

If you don't get out of my territory,

In full 21 Jump Street mode.

Is making fake I.D.'s.

Is playing the county fair.

It belongs to me and my new partner now.

It was all misdirection.

It's called Fortress of Solitude,

It's Dad! He figured it out!

It's just that...

It's so fun hanging out again.

Kevin Ramage!

Kevin Ramage?!

Kevin Ramage.

Kevin! One of your little friends is at the door.

Knock it off, you two!

Ladies.

Lawyer?

Let me ask you a question first.

Let me ask you.

Let me go get my jacket, and we'll get started.

Lucky and Buttermilk have been fighting.

Ma, I need the room.

Maybe this'll convince you.

Me?

Mike Rotch?

Mother is all over the map, but hot.

My brother made it.

My butler, but he wouldn't laugh,

My family sucks.

My name is Guttenberg.

My son in law's van to make me look like a fool!

My whole body is starting to look like Meg Ryan's neck.

Next!

Nice tracksuit, buddy.

No, Hayley, I've given a lot of thought to this.

No, I got my own guy.

No, I meant my brother works for me.

No, it was a rush!

No, that's okay.

No!

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Not Fortress of Come On In.

Not now.

Not only am I not going to bed as Stan,

Not that important."

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do.

Now what do you have for us?

Oh, almost definitely.

Oh, bummer.

Oh, but Hayley, you're the genius

Oh, hey, what are you guys doing here?

Oh, I I thought I was a loser.

Oh, like the inventor of the printing press?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Steve's in way over his head!

Oh, no, it's Guttenberg, isn't it?!

Oh, quite the opposite, Francine.

Oh, right.

Oh, that sounds awful.

Oh, uh, is Ramage here?

Oh, we just come here ironically.

Oh, yeah, this is Jeff's van.

Oh, you got a fake I.D.?

Oh, you mean...

Oh... you heard that.

Okay, guys, I believe we've made our point.

Okay, I'll do it.

Okay, next I.D. is ready.

Okay.

Only one.

Ooh, you're so good to me.

Open up cellblock H!

Out Outside of a strip club?

Plus I work here.

Plus I'm I'm pruning up here.

Plus I'm I'm pruning up here.

Plus you got to make out with him.

Probably working with a sibling, but not a brother.

Put it on the board. I'm a visual thinker.

Remember when my little brother made those fake I.D.'s?

Right back at you, big sis.

Roger?

Roger?

Roger.

See you when I'm 29.

See? Nothing.

Selling fake I.D.'s to teenagers.

Show them the rough stuff, boys!

Simple magician's patter.

Smith, I was tearing it up at the Rope and Pony last night,

Smith, your lawyer's here to see you.

So how did it go?

So, where you living now?

So, who's Guttenberg? Are you any closer?

So, you're a big boy, aren't ya?

Some master forger named Guttenberg

Sorry, I try not to make eye contact

Stan, are you coming to bed?

Star Trek Wars.

Steve Guttenberg invented the printing press?

Steve Guttenberg.

Steve, don't do this.

Steve, my friends here would like

Steve, thank God you're okay.

Steve, you ready to go to work?

Steve, you won't get in trouble.

Steve, you won't get in trouble.

Steve! What are you doing here?

Steve's not Guttenberg!

Sure, why not? Just get to the docks now!

Sure.

Surprise inspection, ladies! Let's whip 'em out!

Take her away.

Tell me about the man.

Thank God I picked up that second time you called.

Thank you.

Thanks for inviting me out, guys.

Thanks, I will.

Thanks, little brother.

That hadn't occurred to me, but you're right!

That is a personal best.

That toddler died of alcohol poisoning.

That Turkish genocide just pissed them off.

That's all it did! It just pissed them off!

That's funny.

That's right, so you better think long and har...

That's right.

That's what I was trying to tell her father

The best I've ever seen.

The big money's in passports,

The club of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

The double cross.

The name is Kevin Ramage.

The name is Kevin Ramage.

The ones who stay angry after being called losers.

The Taiwanese are coming in

The van.

Then this is what's waiting for you.

These Armenians are scary people, man.

These.

They could be a huge threat to national security.

They never make eye contact with me.

They should be ashamed of themselves!

They teach you a lot of things in bouncer school,

They they put me on the spot,

They're carding?

This is gonna be you.

This is Guttenberg. Best forger in the business.

This is the CIA!

This place is so demeaning.

This young thing?

Those sound like horse names, but they're people.

Threw a bag over my head and shoved me in Jeff's van!

To be a heart surgeon?

To buy some fake I.D.'s from you.

To your boyfriend's van.

Trying to come between me and my sister!

Uh oh.

Uh, hey hey, Dad.

Uh! I told Hayley we should have gotten a bubble jet printer.

Uhp, out of toner again.

Using my own child, and worst of all,

Wait a minute. What did your kidnapper say?

Wait for me. I just gotta check on something.

Wait, you're scanning I.D.'s now?

Wait? Ew.

Wait. Steve is Guttenberg?

Way to go, little bro.

We can't. We have to stop at Kristen's house

We got to quit!

We gotta get down to the docks.

We gotta get these fake passports finished.

We have you surrounded!

We'll call your fake name when it's ready.

We'll still be coming here for the same reason.

We're all going to the Skylark tonight.

We're cracking down ever since

We've had a lot of trouble

Well, how do you like this?!

Well, it's a little early to say that,

Well, machine says your I.D. checks out.

Well, not counting Adam Levine's Jacuzzi.

Well, now we're in business together.

Well, Smith, you solved the case.

Well, when you can afford to pay,

Well... yeah.

Were it not for the girl's father bursting in

Were you scared?

What a loser.

What a loser.

What are you doing here?

What do you say, Steve?

What do you want, Guttenberg?

What do you want?

What do you want?

What the hell?

What?

What? Oh, no.

What's new?

What's this for?

Whatever.

When somebody jumped me,

Who are you?!

Who looks like a fool now?

Who makes it all happen.

Who sells fake I.D.'s to teens, I need to go undercover tonight

Who's making these and shut him down for good.

Whoa, are you okay?

Whoa, that was close.

Why do you guys keep hassling me?

Why don't you go down to the mall kiosk

With kids breaking in and building blanket forts.

With my customers.

With your Federal Boobie Inspector card.

Word on the street is you're horning in on my business.

Working with this creep is too dangerous.

Wow, I've never seen a fake I.D. as sophisticated as this.

Wow, it's been forever.

Wow, last night was our best take ever.

Wow. You came so close to getting caught.

Yeah, it's like he's one step ahead of you.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

Yeah, that's pretty lame.

Yeah, there's a new counterfeiter in town.

Yeah, those are the cold facts of his life.

Yeah, to hell with her for getting old.

Yeah, well, word on the street is I don't have a comeback

Yeah, well, word on the street is your product sucks.

Yeah?

Yep.

Yes, Dad.

Yes, he's a teenager.

Yesterday?

Yo, can your guy make me a certification

You are not just some objects.

You can count on me, sir.

You can pick the restaurant.

You don't have a fake I.D.?

You enjoying my little girl's boobs?

You found Guttenberg. Good work.

You got to go to Kevin Ramage.

You had a skill, and I I took advantage of it.

You know what, I talked myself out of it.

You know who the real losers are, Steve?

You know, me and Kristen and Danuta still hang out.

You let us go!

You like to watch, Guttenberg?!

You mind asking them to jump up and down?

You really mean that?

You see, Francine, if I'm gonna catch a man

You should come.

You want a show?!

You want Guttenberg alive?

You were right, she was too optimistic.

You you'll have to excuse me.

You're a pig.

You're arrested!

You're business partners with your pervy little brother?

You're Guttenberg?

You're just too Gutte to be true,

You're making chump change

You're out, Hayley.

You're selling fake I.D.'s to teenagers.

You're the genius who makes it all happen.

You're trembling.

You're you're not...

You've Gutten away for the last time, Guttenberg.

Your life was in danger, and it was all because of me.

Yup, that's how that conversation went down.

Zoe, don't! This is fake.

Zoe?

47 seconds.

'Cause my mama's got a bad heart,

# 10, 20, 30 million ready to be spent #

# All of it's hot

# And he's shining a salute to the American race #

# And heavy equipment

# But, honey, prices have shot through the sky #

# Good morning, USA!

# Good... # Good morning, USA

# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #

# Learning to print

# Livin' simple and trying to get by #

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say

# So I fixed up the basement

# Stocked it full of jelly jars #

# The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #

# Those gangster presidents

# We're in the basement

# We're in the basement...

# We're stackin' 'em against the wall #

# With what I was a workin' with #