Archer (2009) - Season 2 Edit

A big spritz of knockout gas?

A bit, yes, but I'm afraid I know nothing about this.

A blood sample is enough to determine paternity.

A candy bar! Mother, I'm not the father, it was...

A green card?

A hundred thousand pesos in bribes, and my stomach's never been the same.

A lot of these aren't so simple.

A man barely alive.

A microchip? Russian markings? What on earth is this?

A rainbow should shoot out every time you open it.

A roll, then. Whatever.

A taut, sexy thriller.

A third party? But we have a state of the art laboratory at ISIS.

A thousand times, da.

A tontine, lads.

A traitor to the cause of environmental protection?

A walk? Is that some sort of a joke?

A week's supply of breast cancer chemotherapy drugs...

A what? That... What are you...? I don't have one of those.

A, because I got deported, and B... So she can actually sell ISIS?

Aah! Aah! No, no, no.

Aah! Who taught you women how to shoot?

About Ruth. I guess you heard.

About time. Ass.

According to ODIN's guy in the KGB, which, as a real agency, we have.

Actually, hoped.

Actually, I don't know what I was implying. I just said it.

Actually, that would not surprise me.

Afraid I haven't seen a Magic Marker either, sir.

Afraid it's just not responding to those chemo drugs

After a lifetime of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth!

After Cyril Figgis saves the day.

After Slutya Slutsakova did this.

After that sc**** I got you out of?

After the war ended, we were snatching up Kraut scientists like hotcakes.

After you, kiddo.

After? Why didn't you lock down the building?

Afternoon, comrades.

Ah, is not so bad, you take crossword, you catch up with your neighbors.

Ah, Monsieur Archer.

Ahem. Medical discharge.

Ahem. So, what do you guys think? Loafers and a suit, yea or nay?

Ahh. I'm good.

Airboat! Oh, man!

Alas, poor Reggie.

Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying personality disorder.

Alive.

All except Miss Archer's.

All from the past six months. What the hell?

All I did was foolishly lose it.

All my money's in, like, a trust and I'd have to ask my gross brother.

All of it.

All right, Archer, you win this round.

All right, fair enough. Come on, girls.

All right, I'm going in. Man, I can't believe I'm doing this.

All right, let's do that again.

All right, so wait a second. What are your three biggest fears?

All right, so, suggestions.

All right, the Mark 2 has kind of nubbly ridges.

All right, there's my signature.

All right, those are ODIN guys. Ray, you're the little pink sailor and...

All right, time for a little tension relief of my own.

All those beaners care about is taking American jobs.

ALL: Barry? Yes, Barry, hi.

ALL: Ugh.

Alligators, by far the biggest.

Along with comb over.

Alrighty. Well, welcome to the United States.

Also from X Men. Remember?

Also irrelevant, because you're not going to screw this up, are you?

Also, yes.

Although he has been a lot nicer ever since he was diagnosed.

Although this is a way better excuse than the train dwarf, which...

Although, I do have 3 pounds of glass in my feet.

Although, that is what you'd say if you were a double agent.

Always dropping calls, you know?

Always hide in plain sight. Unless you've got a better idea.

Always looking for something sturdy to loop his Sam Browne over?

Always prancing around in those clingy little whatever they are..

And a broken hand which kills.

And a hidden transmitter in your rifle scope.

And a Negress at that.

And after that falafel, I am right behind him.

And also for us to sweep the building, the doing of which I am in charge.

And another one. Shit, and another.

And as for Stilton, there's no nice way to put it.

And as long as I can still, you know, swoop in and save the day, ha ha...

And as the 24 hours of uninterrupted vault footage shows...

And B...

And bring me some stuff to do. It's crazy, stupid boring in here.

And Cyril's, and Pam's. Everybody's.

And do it badass like I would...

And don't you want to freshen up after your long ride?

And every dime of that 4 million better be in that bag.

And everybody else shut up and watch Terms of Enrampagement.

And everything else.

And guess who he was.

And he is the man I will marry.

And he paid up front, in cash.

And he was looking at me... My God, I can still see him smile.

And her lover.

And here's another one. Remember Jerry Reed's character in Gator?

And here's to the old Double Deuce.

And how does she have 2.3 million damn dollars in her 401(k)?

And how long you think this one's gonna be around?

And how much will you be splitting?

And I also know I got five of your hand tailored suits in the back.

And I also know that nobody likes a tattletale.

And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all...

And I can just forget all about getting on the board of the Met.

And I can just forget all about getting on the board of the Met.

And I can let all this stuff go for $41,688.

And I can say positively you are...

And I definitely could've been nicer to you, Ca... Cheryl.

And I don't know how it's gonna turn out, so I wanted to, you know...

And I don't want ISIS or you. And all I want is this lettuce and his brother.

And I just assume I don't wanna know what's on that.

And I just can't wait to hear that lame excuse.

And I know you're in a lot of pain, so just try to relax.

And I know you're not supposed to let Woodhouse see your lady parts.

And I move on with my life, and then, bam, you drill one into a hooker.

And I never got my swan shaped towels.

And I never thought I'd say this, but, Sterling, you did the right thing.

And I still got two to go, so if you don't mind...

And I think Sterling might be trying to cross into Russia.

And I'll even throw in the Chokebot.

And I'll see you at the lawyer's office, granny.

And I'm also sorry we can't let you blow up this pipeline.

And I'm like, "Who cares?" And he's like...

And I'm pretty sure... Guys, feel free to correct me.

And I'm seeing this more and more.

And if anyone's going to ruin my son's wedding...

And if I can be there for her when she really needs me, then all the better.

And if I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd be a teacher.

And if it's one thing I've learned in all my years as a spy master...

And if it's one thing I've learned in all my years as a spy master...

And if you won't tell him, Woodhouse, I bloody well shall.

And if you're hot, and also somewhat bitchy, drink a beer.

And it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand.

And JFK's father was a bootlegger.

And just for the record, I don't care.

And lay off the wee baby Seamus.

And maybe together we could add up to one good parent for this baby.

And mystery solved, he was a thousand.

And nobody, especially Mother, is gonna ruin that for me.

And now all the candy is Mother's...

And now he has it, so it's all Sterling this and ribbons that.

And now I have to spend my first Friday off in forever...

And now Mr. Archer is...

And now, all of a sudden, he's like, "Let me go"?

And now, Oscar winner Rona Thorne takes on the CIA and the KGB...

And oh, my... His first black turtleneck.

And once the worm decrypts the cover list and uploads it...

And other mysterious circumstances. Every one of these is like that.

And Pam, your job is to neutralize the ODIN agents.

And possible genetic clones of Adolf Hitler closer.

And probably killed.

And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so...

And second of all, I didn't steal that money, I merely borrowed it.

And second of all, no one is going to kidnap you on my watch.

And second, until I find out where Delaney is, please stop shooting people.

And second, where is Cheryl Tunt?

And she's also having a torrid affair with one of her sexy young agents...

And since you all witnessed the blood sample...

And since you seem unclear on the concept...

And so does our target, Joshua Gray, a.k.a. Gandalf.

And so I ended up being an actress.

And so I wanted to say I'm sorry, Pam...

And so is your heart, Woodhouse.

And so now all 20 enraged feet of him is swimming around out there.

And so said test results conclude...

And so you've memorized every fatal alligator attack?

And so, if the reagent turns blue...

And some blowjobs.

And some damn guard dog you is.

And speaking of, kiddo, I hope you're gonna welcome me into your family.

And speaking of, you are so lucky this worked out.

And speaking of...

And thank you.

And thanks, Pam, way to drag out a kidnapping. Now I'm late again.

And that goes double for number two, Mr. Man.

And that kind of depends.

And that reminds me. Dr. Ben?

And that smile of his, it gets me through the day.

And that was a lot better.

And that will be Stinky.

And the bunny attached to it. He is attached, right?

And the damn thing is spreading, to every computer in the office.

And the guilt from sex makes me binge, then I feel fat...

And the legal owner of a bearer bond...

And the lettuce.

And the price is irrelevant, because you're going to steal it back...

And then I just sort of drifted about.

And then the sky just shattered.

And then the unemployment office after ODIN lays us all off.

And then we beginning Phase Three.

And there are huge tax implications for that.

And there I found him, in the words of Henley, "bloodied but unbowed."

And there shan't be any rescue party.

And they can't even turn off the stupid mainframe.

And they promised me I could direct.

And they're expecting you.

And this deuce ain't gonna drop itself.

And to that end, Woodhouse, macrobiotic food.

And to whom might I be speaking?

And trust me dear, this vault is the safest place in the entire building.

And two, the absolute last person on Earth I'd have a baby with is Archer...

And victory will only come when Americans stop destroying the earth...

And was that, hopefully, some sort of Vietcong prison camp?

And we are here to make sure of it

And we don't want them coming here.

And we need never to speak of that sickening invasion of privacy again.

And we were encouraged to, you know, blend.

And we'll always be one step ahead of them.

And we're not? Tsk, you got any idea how much I got on my plate?

And what about helping me escape?

And what in God's name do you people want?

And what is up with your mother?

And what time is late?

And what's ironic is Archer, besides sodomizing my fiancée...

And what's taking those two so long?

And what's there to toast about, anyway?

And while you eat humble pie with a side of crow, Lana, I will be dining on trout.

And who would even want to?

And why couldn't it be the Brazilian mob?

And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?

And would you get off? Breath?

And yes, the A stands for "awesome."

And yet you talk.

And you can have these control tops.

And you have to steal it back because I, um, slightly borrowed it.

And you know what's fricking lame?

And you made it all look so beautiful, Woodhouse.

And you were about to when you thought it would get you my job.

And you, take Cheryl some crayons or cheese or something.

And you, the worst of the bunch.

And you. Go see Krieger this instant.

And you're kind of family, and I know I'm not always as nice to you as I could be...

And you're taking tetraphenol orally, right?

And, Lana, please, you have to, have to, have to help me.

And, Lana. Lana, I want you to know that what I said last...

And, Mother, this is Katya Kasanova.

And, Mother, this is Katya Kasanova.

And, oh, my God, seriously, I am so really super sorry about that.

And, uh, by the way, try not to be unconscious too long.

And, uh, calfskin, you said? Aah...

And, uh, sorry about your homey...

And, uh, sorry about your homey...

And, uh, when will monsieur desire to try his luck at the tables?

And?

Annie?

Annie.

ANNOUNCER: It's the second qualifying round in the Monaco Grand Prix...

ANNOUNCER: They're wheel to wheel coming out of the last chicane...

ANNOUNCER: Well, Dennis, it's a strange turn of events here...

Answer: Yes. They both were, because New Orleans is my kind of town...

Ants are gonna be the least of your worries, smackhound.

Ants. All over my body.

Any unusual exposure to radiation?

Anyhoo, turns out I mixed up your chart with another patient's.

Anyway, I loaded that into the mainframe...

Anyway, whatever, emotions like love don't actually come from the heart.

Anywhere but there.

Apparently, how bad a Ping Pong paddle hurts on a tiny bare ass.

Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.

ARCHER [SLURRING]: Nice warning, stupid.

ARCHER & GILLETTE: Ew.

Archer residence.

Archer, I still haven't gotten those T&E reports you promised me.

Archer, let me climb up you.

ARCHER: A double agent.

ARCHER: Absolutely. But if I do...

ARCHER: Ahem. So, uh, yeah.

ARCHER: And also was that? LANA: Archer.

ARCHER: And say hi to Sister Morphine.

ARCHER: Aw. I meant to make a frowny face.

ARCHER: Balls. Nailed it

ARCHER: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off.

ARCHER: But wait, he's expecting Mother. LANA: Yup.

ARCHER: But what does that mean, is that good?

ARCHER: Cyril, what? Noth... Oh!

ARCHER: Don't worry about what I'm doing, concentrate on what you're doing.

ARCHER: Especially since you and I had sex when I had cancer.

ARCHER: Ew.

ARCHER: Heh, heh, heh. And how and why is that funny?

ARCHER: Heh. Oh, man, what have I been doing?

ARCHER: Hello? There's this great new thing called "coasters."

ARCHER: Hey. Scripes wasn't here to kill us.

ARCHER: Holy shit

ARCHER: Huh, that's gross? You use shrimp tape.

ARCHER: I am the target.

ARCHER: I don't know. Oswald's pretty famous.

ARCHER: I got it, let's go.

ARCHER: I gotta tell you guys...

ARCHER: I mean, because you know what it sounds like, right?

ARCHER: I said, um, how's, uh, your ex fiancée?

ARCHER: I see it, Lana.

ARCHER: I seriously don't feel good at all.

ARCHER: I, um... Darling, I know she is old...

ARCHER: I'm trying to stay positive.

ARCHER: Krieger. Oh, commence the modified Ludovico.

ARCHER: Lana, what are you doing?

ARCHER: Like suck at stuff. And leave this to people...

ARCHER: Little help?

ARCHER: Look at his tufted ears. ...worth?

ARCHER: Looking for this?

ARCHER: Mother, come on, they said I could eat and drink till midnight.

ARCHER: Mother? Mother?

ARCHER: No!

ARCHER: ODIN? Or whom.

ARCHER: Oh, boy. Technically

ARCHER: Oh, I don't know about all that.

ARCHER: Oh, man, is this great? LANA: No, Archer.

ARCHER: Oh, my God, these ODIN dicks.

ARCHER: Oh, what the hell? Hello?

ARCHER: Oh.

ARCHER: Oh. Right

ARCHER: Okay, so that's Barry and Lana.

ARCHER: Ow, ow, ow.

ARCHER: Ow. BARRY: Now, see?

ARCHER: Phased plasma laser countermeasures?

ARCHER: Phew. Wow.

ARCHER: Probably. CHERYL: Yeah.

ARCHER: Ray?

ARCHER: Really? With who?

ARCHER: See? Look at him, he's crazy for it.

ARCHER: Seriously, these potato heads have to be the unsexiest mob of all time.

ARCHER: She's right here.

ARCHER: Shut up. Shut up, here it comes.

ARCHER: So you're selling ISIS?

ARCHER: Thanks, crazy. L...

ARCHER: That doesn't even make sen... Ow.

ARCHER: Then what? Then they gave me the VC and my papers.

ARCHER: There's no sink! Ahh!

ARCHER: Those cannot be your only shoes.

ARCHER: Uh, you could help, you know. Yeah. So, now, uh, what are we doing?

ARCHER: Um...

ARCHER: Um... Hated that phone. Ha ha ha.

ARCHER: Unless you wanna stay here.

ARCHER: Was that rhetorical? LANA: Archer.

ARCHER: Well, wait, hang on a second.

ARCHER: Wha...? And the who.

ARCHER: What are you doing? Delaney's not here.

ARCHER: What is that? No. Oh, yeah.

ARCHER: What?

ARCHER: What? Lady luck, monsieur.

ARCHER: What? Not compared to that.

ARCHER: What? Nothing.

ARCHER: What? PAM: What the shit?

ARCHER: Where's Mother?

ARCHER: Whoo hoo!

ARCHER: Why are you idiots in the armory?

ARCHER: Woo hoo! GILLETTE: Fast racecar!

ARCHER: Woodhouse, what the hell is this? It's a baby shower.

ARCHER: Woodhouse? Damn right.

ARCHER: Woodhouse. What the hell is this?

ARCHER: Wow, what a pussy

ARCHER: Yeah, and what do you even do here, sit on your ass and analyze data?

ARCHER: Yeah, that takes, like, one doll. Not if there's ever a gang ****.

ARCHER: Yeah, you were totally right.

ARCHER: Yes.

ARCHER: Yes. CROUPIER: Banque

ARCHER: Yes. GILLETTE: Why?

ARCHER: You idiot. How could you miss that?

ARCHER: Yup. Stage II breast cancer.

Archer!

Archer!

Archer.

Archer. Hey, so, uh, you busy?

Are we out of Bloody Marys?

Are we square?

Are you here?

Are you kidding?

Are you scared?

Are you sure? You didn't eat them?

Are you walking in there right now?

As a hired gun for the military industrial complex?

As a potential role model, I advocate it.

As far as Archer's concerned...

As thick as possible, while still being swan shape foldable.

As what? Russia's only black woman?

As you can see, I've got wine coolers on my feet...

At 10 percent, by now, I'd say, it's just a bit shy of a million dollars.

At a spy agency?

At least, I have a:

At one time, yes, but I needed a place to sew your suits, you see, so...

Avenge your fallen comrade.

Aw, honey, you're not going anywhere, not when I'm the regional director.

Aw. His little christening gown.

Awesome.

Awesome.

Aww, Goatley.

Aww, Pigley.

Baby, come on, remember who we're dealing with here.

Baby, you're pear shaped.

BACKUS: This is the AmPetCo gas pipeline.

Bagged your share today, Scripes?

Balls. And we might if you two would stop being bitches for five seconds.

Barney.

BARRY [OVER PHONE]: Yeah, probably.

Barry Dillon will be that man.

Barry, does it hurt?

Barry, is that how you get ants?

Barry, wait, slow down.

BARRY: Archer! KATYA: I love you!

BARRY: As the vault is basically one big shit storm of anti intrusion devices.

BARRY: Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB?

BARRY: No, no, no.

BARRY: No, no, not everybody.

BARRY: Oh, for... Jesus. Did you even try?

BARRY: Pitch is out, I can't hold altitude. ARCHER: What?

BARRY: So are we gonna do this or...? No, no, we're not.

BARRY: Under ODIN guard, the sample is taken to the vault of First Savings Bank.

BARRY: Yeah, you wanna know what's really ironic?

Barry?

Bawled so hard they made me leave, never saw the ending

Bear claws. Rowr.

Beat it, Cyril, let the grown ups work. But leave this, I'm starving.

Because ain't nothing in the world can make me talk

Because as sexy as it was shooting at Lana...

Because babies are soft skulled, fat little germ sacks...

Because between the cancer and the chemo...

Because Cyril kidnapped me, duh.

Because dry ice is something crazy, like, negative a hundred degrees.

Because even if somebody did break into the vault...

Because hate to do it to you, but I'm commandeering your vodka.

Because he is desperate for stuff to play with. What are we doing?

Because he totally snuck up on me.

Because I got ripped in a bar last night...

Because I grew up in Braz... Bristol County, Rhode Island

Because I really want you to hear what I have to say.

Because I sure did. Friday night was Cornhole League, then on Saturday...

Because I swear to God, I will strip back down and show you all over again.

Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse.

Because I wangled a call with the studio execs...

Because I want to run a few tests.

Because I was bucking around like a rodeo clown in a barrel.

Because I, too, suffer from sexual addiction.

Because I'll save you some time.

Because I'm just her stupid friend.

Because I'm not too worried about some drum circling, hippie tree hugger.

Because I'm one step ahead of you.

Because I've got tons of ideas...

Because if I recall...

Because in about three drinks...

Because it kills me to say this...

Because it looks like it kind of hurts.

Because most secret agents don't tell every harlot from here to Hanoi...

Because of the things that come out of your body.

Because one at a time...

Because Ray is being a total bitch.

Because somebody smells like they ate the ass end out of a northbound cow.

Because the Russians turned me into...

Because the traitor Kasanova knows too much.

Because the worm has transformed the mainframe...

Because this day has come, Mother.

Because this is about to get weird.

Because this man, Sterling Archer...

Because we're all she has now.

Because you said if I was late again, you'd fire me.

Because you will be making the exchange with Lachouffe.

Because you're daddy's dirty, dirty little whore.

Because your mother's cleaned out all the ISIS 401(k) accounts.

Because, just between us gals and the C 130...

Because...

Been a real pleasure doing business with y'all.

Behind about 2 tons of steel and one electronic lock.

BENOIT [IN FRENCH ACCENT]: Your room, madame, is no longer.

Benoit! Balls.

Betrays the agency? And then begs me to save you?

Better than he was before.

Better, stronger, faster.

Between my narrow hips, your fat head, and a city full of enemy spies...

Between this little gal's love taps.

BISHOP: None of my business.

BISHOP: Ow.

BISHOP: Ow. And my first favorite lamp, fantastic.

BISHOP: That's what he said.

Bit of a mess in here.

Blob Marley.

Bloody should be. Almost killed me.

Booyakasha, booyakasha.

BORIS [IN AMERICAN ACCENT]: Barry Dillon, ODIN agent.

Both mentally and spiritually, Brett

BOTH: Hah! Anytime now, Cyril.

BOTH: Oh, shit!

BOTH: What?

BOY ARCHER: Um, hit me? MALORY: Busted.

Brazilian rosewood, straight from the heart of the Amazon jungle.

Brett, for the love of God.

BRETT: Hello? Was that so hard?

BRETT: I will take you up on that.

BRETT: I'm so cold. Brett, get off the phone

BRETT: Yeah, you think? Wha...?

BRETT: You got it? Yes, hang up.

Brett.

Brushing my teeth.

Bu...

Business or pleasure?

But "society" couldn't deal with it.

But 4 million seems pretty steep for...

But all kidding aside, ODIN will be providing security for the paternity test.

But all the mysterious deaths...

But are you sure you'll get the job?

But back in the day...

But back then you just organized peaceful protests.

But come on, Lana.

But don't thank him, it sets a bad precedent.

But don't touch them. Lysergic acid is absorbed through the skin.

But even though it's super dangerous, I'm preventing World War III, so...

But for the enlisted, being chosen to bat for an officer was very desirable.

But how would you like a job?

But I always wondered, what if I had gotten that commercial?

But I bet he knows the capital of Brazil, don't you?

But I could tell your mom was already crushed about the rain check thing...

But I do know a liter of melon balls can't replace a liter of blood...

But I had a reservation.

But I had to tell the party chairman it was part of my master genius plan.

But I just can't even imagine life without my precious Sterling.

But I think we may have a problem.

But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in.

But I'll just bet Nikolai Jakov is so jealous of my, ahem, friendship with Len Trexler...

But I'm giving you this coat, so, uh...

But I'm gonna get my money's worth in...

But I'm not. How can I prove to you?

But I'm on my way to a SexAnon meeting.

But I'm pretty sure ISIS can get you a whole new identity, Cyril.

But I'm sure Cheryl has a good excuse this time.

But I've never been. Here.

But if we could make Trexler fall out of love...

But if you didn't come to kill us, why bring that whacking great Webley?

But it is, you know, a vest.

But it shows there are flaws out there that can be exploited by bad people.

But it turns out the whole thing was nothing but a damn Ponzi scheme.

But it's not yours. You stole it.

But it's over, Lana. Get on with your life, and let me get on with mine.

But let me tell you, boyo...

But look, half the people that work here are field agents...

But maybe she's right.

But no shots center mass. Just try to wing them.

But not Martin, something like Steele, because she's a very strong woman who...

But not much left of the old Double Deuce anymore.

But only if you will promise me one thing.

But Reggie would've wanted you to have it, old boy.

But seriously, I've wanted to tell you this for ages, but I never quite knew how.

But she must still be in the building.

But she's like:

But short answer, yes, she can sell ISIS.

But since I can only assume that Russian mind control chip...

But since I don't and/or do not...

But since I don't have a calculator...

But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.

But that's not fair. Ow!

But the thing is... Woodhouse, answer the damn phone.

But then, why was she taking notes about Krieger's secret project?

But they don't need to turn off the... Darn it, I can fix this.

But they were armed

But they won't be able to catch Bell as he takes the flag and...

But they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open. Are they?

But this technology could forever alter the balance of world power.

But we're, like, keeping the world free for democracy...

But what if I don't?

But why would she pay 4 million bucks for unverified information?

But with Reggie hors de combat, Scripes had become acting commander.

But you are kind of being a bitch.

But you can't do that.

But you don't have a sword.

But you wait.

But you were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in.

But you won't have him to kick around forever...

But you're a famous Hollywood actress for, like, many years.

But, Cyril, I know all about Dr. Krieger's origins.

But, darling, l...

But, hey, speaking of your body and my body and stiffness...

But, my God, Sterling, look at your clothes.

But, sir, you can't leave. Your mother...

But, Sterling, your tumor.

But, surely, a brilliant scientist like you, how is it you are single?

But...

Buy a suit at Bergdorf's, send the bill to my manager.

Buy you a cup of coffee? You know, since you're broke.

Bye, Barry.

CAB DRIVER: Oh, God.

Can also hang.

Can I get the oyster po' boy...

Can I jump in? Kind of curious.

Can we actually create such a thing?

Can you go find some more hurricanes for me?

Can you not rub your dick in my mother's pantyhose? Please.

Can you, uh, go ahead and repeat that?

Can't believe Lana and Mother. No respect for people's privacy, no...

Canada's got casinos, right?

Cannot picture him as a baby. You know?

Cannot picture you as a fighter pilot.

Captain Thistleton knew the risk of what he was doing..

Carefully put them in order.

Carol and Pam and Cyril.

Casablumpkin.

Case in point, huh?

Case in point, Lana. That's...

Caught old Jerry in a chandelle, poor bastard went down like a quail.

Chain smoking joints the size of tampons.

Champagne? George, by the way. George Spelvin.

Check the break room.

Cheers.

Chemo?

Cheryl is insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.

Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but..

Cheryl, I need that money.

CHERYL: Bring it.

CHERYL: Hey, come on. Why don't you call it Magnum, P.U

CHERYL: My ear balls. Don't you people have work to do?

CHERYL: No way. Why not?

CHERYL: Oh, come on. ARCHER: Okay, okay.

CHERYL: Ohh, I think I just did.

CHERYL: Ugh, a rainy day and a Monday.

CHERYL: What? LANA: Archer, no.

CHERYL: With our earballs.

CHERYL: Yes. GILLETTE: Uh, bad parenting?

Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked out of me all day...

Chet Willard, age 16, swimming in the Oak River Canal, killed by an 11 footer.

Chet?

Chinese alligators are smaller, but their bellies are fully armored...

CIA, Ml6, ODIN, all the biggies.

Clapped out Arab whore traded it for a pint. Said it was sterling.

Combine them in a sealed container and you've got yourself...

Come here, fishy, fishy.

Come in, dear. Come in.

Come on, Cyril. What's the matter?

Come on, gals. Pammy Pam is buying.

Come on, get me drunk enough, I might have sex with you.

Come on, I've broken into way tougher places, right?

Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Come on, Seamus.

Come on, the boss is waiting. We don't need her.

Come on, they may think I'm a lot of shitty things...

Come on, Trinette, Seamus may not be my son...

Come on.

Commencing the modified Ludovico.

COMPUTER BIRD: What, what? PAM: Ah, jeez. Sorry, that one's on me.

COMPUTER PIRATE Hunch, hunch.

COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch.

COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch.

COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch. COMPUTER BIRD: What, what?

COMPUTER PIRATE: Hunch, hunch. COMPUTER BIRD: What, what?

COMPUTER: Security system off line.

COMPUTER: Security system restarting in five minutes.

Consider it payback for my shattered femur.

Cool. Ha, ha.

Cor, you done all right, then.

Corpuscular?

Count Snackula?

Couple things.

Cry havoc, and let slip the hogs of war.

Cyril won't drink, so we'll have to find another way to...

Cyril, I don't wanna see you with an empty glass.

Cyril, I got that specially for you...

Cyril, pill up, you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.

Cyril, that thing is huge.

Cyril, we both know you can't do it.

Cyril, you are not to blame, you are merely a victim of sexual addiction.

CYRIL: A million dollars. Fifty million dollars.

CYRIL: All right. ARCHER: Over the sound...

CYRIL: But l... Cyril, just beat it. Krieger is on this.

CYRIL: Channel it, Archer. ARCHER: Cyril!

CYRIL: Could you repeat that, please? WOMAN: Onomatopoeia.

CYRIL: Half a billion?

CYRIL: Huh? What in the world?

CYRIL: I could've done that. CHERYL: Thanks, Noam Chomsky.

CYRIL: I thought you spoke French.

CYRIL: I'm sorry? I said, "Come in here, I need your help."

CYRIL: L... How did you fail him? Was it sports?

CYRIL: Morning, Ms. Archer.

CYRIL: Nice work, Pam. Damn her piggy little eyes.

CYRIL: She what? Oh, man

CYRIL: That's disgusting. Who are you, my cat?

CYRIL: Three thousand, seven hundred dollars.

CYRIL: What are you...?

CYRIL: Yep. Fifty million dollars in real bearer bonds...

CYRIL: You heard me. Fifty million dollars.

Cyril? You dead?

Cyril. Hey, you awake?

Da...

Damn him. I told him no parties.

Damn it, Pam!

Damn it, that is classic him.

Damn it, they're everywhere. There's too many, I can't...

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn those KGB pigs.

Damn, I had something for this.

Damn, that's over half the cover list.

Damn, what was it? Um...

Darling, don't make me shoot you.

Darling, I swear, it's a fake.

Darling, I told you that I fell in love with you when we first met...

Darling, please, I just want to leave.

Darling, please. Forget the bag.

Dead center. Good work, Barry.

Dear God, that was my entire stash.

Decent chance.

Delaney sells it to...

Depends how much water. We're gonna need to dial it in.

Did he have some sort of character flaw?

Did I just blow your mind? Huh!

Did I mention I have cancer?

Did I say "good"? I meant "fantastic."

Did somebody trick you? Hmm?

Did you ever think about you and me having a baby?

Did you see Regis this morning?

Did you see that? And hear that? What is that? What is that sound?

Did you tr...? Did you try...?

Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.

Do anything fun this weekend?

Do as you like with me, but I won't have a swishy party boy backchat a war hero.

Do not do that.

Do they face west? Can we use the sun to our advantage?

Do we have to distill our pee?

Do you even know where the bearer bonds are?

Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?

Do you feel those? Different circumstances, might feel good.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear this?

Do you know why they're called bearer bonds?

Do you know your son is here in the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?

Do you like him? Because I sure do.

Do you like powdered orange breakfast drink?

Do you like to travel?

Do you not understand how reservations work?

Do you not wonder how it is that I know your name?

Do you not?

Do you not?

Do you people even give a shit?

Do you want anything?

Doctor, I have Ms. Archer's results.

Does nobody read X Men?

Does one ring rule them all?

Does someone you love have breast cancer?

Does...? Are you implying my mother gave virgin birth, or what are you...?

Doesn't matter, because worst case scenario...

Dogs of war.

Don't apologize to me, apologize to the Brazilian rosewood.

Don't beat yourself up over this.

Don't blame me, it's those new low flow toilets.

Don't even think I want Jakov to be my father.

Don't have it now, didn't have it when you were a wheezy...

Don't worry, he's a high value asset.

Don't worry, I have actual genius plan to solve Kasanova problem.

Don't worry, nosey parker, you won't...

Don't worry, she won't get far. I'm locking ISIS down, top to bottom.