Archer (2009) - Season 8 Edit

A and how did you know we were here?

A body with your exact same dental records.

A body... I mean, if you're gonna do

A bunch of surplus fingers up there, do ya?

A corpse through a hotel lobby

A distraction. Nice!

A fine distinction, legally speaking.

A goddamn robot wants to kill me?

A hundred what? Sammies.

A magical being! Like a leprechaun, Pinocchio, an enchanted nutcracker.

A million dollars in unmarked, untraceable

A new hole in my head.

A quart low on what?

A revolving door with Bernice.

A slightly larger truck full of my Chinese whores?

A story in which a Los Angeles police detective

A very empty bag on this.

A week?

A what?

A whorehouse, though,

A... food perambulator.

Aaghhh! No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait! Stop it! No!

Aah! At the risk of another meatslap,

About how to find me in a race against time for my life?

About putting breakfast in the radiator!

About Spanish omelet ingredients!

About what? Living out the week?

About why I don't just go ahead

About your new Chinese sister wives?

Access to a firearm? Cuckold?

According to the person, or persons,

Actually maybe, I dunno, I haven't slept in like a week

Actually no, probably not.

Actually, probably less..

After all, she was supposed to be

After salmon P. Chase,

After which, I just remembered I'm getting a haircut.

Again, hurtful. While I explain to them

Against Len Trexler?

Agh!

Agh!

Ah, and the universe provides.

Ah, dog dicks.

Ah, jeez. Well, let's get her inside.

Ah, there he is.

Ah, you know his wife left him.

Ah. Problem?

Aha, um, hang on...

Aha! Probably on Trexler's orders!

Ahem.

Ahem.

Ahem. Fair enough.

Ahem. Or is that just affected and weird?

Ahh.

Aktion!

Al Capone. He just died. You hear about this?

All I had today was some cuy.

All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse,

All in good time, Mr. Archer.

All of this has to be entered into evidence...

All right, Archer. You win this round.

All right, then. I'm off.

All right. Give me a hint

All right. I guess let him out.

All right. Let's... let's see what else I got here.

All the remaining loose ends.

All the way to Berlin.

Alleged daughter and sister bangers.

Almost there.

Alone, as I arrived, with no police anywhere!

Alright, once my patient arrives...

Alrighty! And how's our patient?

Also not great. But more importantly...

Also, I think we're being followed.

Although I can't imagine you having anything

Although I'm not sure which is which,

Although I'm sure at some point

Although if I'm being honest,

Although she was probably a prostitute.

Although there's no telling what he knows.

Although you could say that his time has come.

Although, now that I come to think of it,

Although, truth be told,

Although... I better get moving

An almost unbelievable coincidence.

And a tiny chauffeur uniform.

And after Normandy, through France and Belgium,

And also bourbon.

And also gross abuse of a corpse, which is punishable by...

And also, how have you not been murdered?

And also, it's not just the legs.

And also... I've lost track of time!

And apparently doing it with a fresh new take

And as for you, Poovey...

And before you decide,

And blame it on some poor hispanic or n****.

And both of you wait here.

And convince the old man I'll mail her home

And crippled my right hand man, or...

And crushed the ankles of a psychopath who,

And don't be late again. Um, okay.

And don't bring back a dirty shovel.

And driving trucks and serving coffee

And expecting a different result.

And figure out we gave 'em fake names.

And he had a good, long life.

And he left an envelope full of clues in the safe.

And here I thought your signature move

And hide me in a bomb shelter

And I am just dying to know

And I assume about to get worse.

And I assume you'll be in touch shortly

And I don't know who I'm gonna kill first,

And I guess I'll drive, since you clearly have a concussion.

And I had to check my gun, obviously, so I...

And I know the case took a long time, but like you always said,

And I need you guys to respect that.

And I swear to god, I've got half a mind

And I swear to God, if you people get caught

And I think she has a crush on you.

And I trust you know who I am?

And I will see you at midnight.

And I would like to hire you...

And I, I don't know if you feel avenged,

And I'd like to keep them in their current location,

And I'm already in a pretty bad mood,

And I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses

And I'm not trying to judge

And I've been eating dexedrine like candy, so...

And if I could, I'd sue you

And if I did, he'd be an ocelot.

And if I were you, I'd take one of her rings to put on it.

And if nobody screws up,

And if we don't know where she is?

And is full of misery.

And it's the highlight of my day.

And last night,

And live happily ever after, but then you were like, "what?"

And loud. Now, shut up and...

And my father would've killed her

And neither are they. Whoa. Look,

And no cops, at all, anywhere.

And no offense, but... But here it comes.

And nobody could possibly survive that!

And not just any body. A body your same size,

And not the monster.

And now I need you to help me do another good deed.

And ol' Lenny here to know you were...

And once we have the money,

And put your foot on the gas! I'm gonna jump on the bike!

And quit blabbing that around. Bel Air Road.

And reunite a family.

And second of all,

And sergeant Poovey is going to drive you in my car

And she was dead drunk in a nearby saloon.

And shoot you in your stupid fat face.

And shove it over a cliff.

And shoved in a drawer at the morgue...

And silk pajamas. What?

And simply observe and report back.

And since Archer was kind enough

And since you like jokes so goddamn much...

And so if anything happened to me, you'd...

And so that's pretty much that, I guess. Vengeance wise.

And so, I do hope you'll forgive Mr. Zerk

And so, since you know where those bent coppers

And so, um, you're the singer here.

And so, you do know who I am, but you don't care?

And speaking of which, where the hell are they?

And steal the ransom during the exchange.

And sugar? I guess. I don't know. Shut up!

And take a look around, but uh...

And that one was for the Chinese ladies.

And that you follow my instructions to the letter.

And that's a firm firm? Yes.

And the bag that contains it.

And the cold, blue steel of my .45.

And the next cop we see, I'm getting his uniform.

And the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole

And the photograph so that I may compare the two.

And the ransom money,

And the smart thing would've been to read your envelope

And then ask yourself... Cui bono?

And then avenge his death.

And then drive it back and forth on your face!

And then every year, on grandma's birthday,

And then I was gonna say, "no,"

And then I'm gonna make them wish

And then maybe a room upstairs, at the Beverly hills hotel.

And then pay off Trexler!

And then they double crossed him and stole the ransom.

And then you say "Who's there?"

And then, obviously, bring me her severed finger

And then, obviously, bring me her severed finger

And then, to top off all the bullshit,

And there's five of us and only one of you, so...

And those big gloobs of snot run outta their nose, but you...

And to make that happen,

And trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping,

And use the ransom money to square things with Len Trexler

And visit upon you an apocalypse of such terror and destruction

And was it... Was it because you love me?

And we know he's working for mother, so...

And what do you mean, Mother killed Woodhouse?

And what is that? What do you have?

And what on earth are you doing?

And what sort of daily expenses

And whatever this whole thing is, I don't want it.

And when I get back, I wouldn't mind if the place

And when we get in there, I need you to continue

And where the hell is the bartender?

And who's our lucky contestant, Bob?

And why the hell are you so desperate for money?

And why you'd give your phone number to a prostitute..

And yet the end result is still the same.

And yet they left you your lighter.

And yet, you turned down a battlefield commission

And you are gonna bring them to me,

And you are gonna find the bastards who took my whores,

And you are gonna find them,

And you two are under arrest.

And you will die in agony,

And you're all gonna stay tied up

And you're gonna find Archer.

And you're gonna leave him in some alley

And you're sure you can drive a stick?

And you're telling me this crazy Nazi can turn people into robots?

And your motorcycle."

And, again, you are all under arrest!

And, by inference, an ideal target for kidnapping.

And, come to think of it, the refunds will come

And, follow up, where is our patient?

And, I mean, don't try it right now, obviously, but...

And, I'm sorry, but have we met?

And, Poovey, book her as a Jane Doe

And, so, how did that go?

And?

And? And your body will reject its new components,

And? And, well, I mean, it's just,

Another sweater.

Anti Semitic, anti Catholic racist...

Anybody have a joke about socks?

Anything else? Well, uh,

Anything. Whatever. A little box.

Anyway, the guy is a bona fide mad scientist.

Anywhere near this case.

Apparently that was your brother.

Applejack drove...

Archer is going to retrieve it and bring it to me.

Archer, wait! Or the one about...

ARCHER: And how do you know about this?

ARCHER: I thought it was unfair

ARCHER: Now sit down!

Archer!

Archer!

Archer!

Archer! Archer, you shut your mouth!

Archer! Or, here's one! Knock knock!

Archer.

Archer...

Are coming out of your paycheck.

Are taking the money...

Are the keys in the rolls?

Are two very different things, Mother.

Are we gonna stand here all night yanking our goddamn...

Are we just jumping right into this,

Are we just jumping right into this, or...

Are we just jumping right into this, or...

Are we just jumping right into this, or...

Are you booking Charlotte as a Jane Doe?

Are you nuts?

Are you nuts? I'll slow down a little, obviously,

Are you serious?

Are you... pfft! Come on! I wouldn't do that!

Are you... this could be anything!

Are you... wait, are you kidding, or...

Aren't we supposed to put it in milk?

Aren't ya gonna stay for supper?

Arresting crows and shit.

As did the Vandertunt Broad.

As haunted as Mrs. Muir's twat.

As in spare change?

As long as I can find the manual!

As opposed to you, who wants to parade

As the lord our god himself is my witness,

As what?

Ask your wife.

Asking you the same thing.

Asshole!

Asshole. Wait, no. I mean... not... goddammit.

At least he doesn't know Woodhouse died.

At my job? Yeah. I mean, what are the odds?

At one of those darling little shacks.

At the Polo lounge? Un huh.

Aus! Aus!

Aw, brother, I have.

Aw, come on. Don't say that.

Aw, come on. That's common knowledge.

Aw, goddamn it.

Aw, I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd

Aw, jeez. He's really doing it.

Aw, man, I'm gonna be sick too.

Aw, man! Some of it got in my mouth.

Aw, shit!

Aw. And now that we've settled that,

Back to sunset in those heels.

Beat it, ya sicko, before I call the cops.

Because A, it's my car, and B, you're a woman!

Because doing a stretch in jail would be the least of my worries.

Because either you were moonlighting as a singer

Because heirs to fortunes

Because I already know a crazy lady. His aunt Marva.

Because I am just on pins and needles... well...

Because I came to you for help!

Because I choose to get into the truck.

Because I do not want the money!

Because I don't need a spirit animal,

Because I grew up on a farm.

Because I have to get away from my family.

Because I know...

Because I'm going to drive it,

Because I'm gonna shoot you in the... genitals!

Because I'm trying to find out who killed my partner.

Because if he finds out,

Because if I don't get some clams soon,

Because it could've been left open for any number of reasons.

Because it ruins it

Because it sounded like you said

Because it's English and it's stupid,

Because it's only accessory after the fact.

Because it's pitch dark and we're not being followed!

Because Len Trexler is going to be left holding

Because not only did I pay a lot of money

Because seriously, if you're not... Archer!

Because she got shot seven times

Because somebody killed my partner

Because we know Archer broke her out of jail,

Because we weren't being followed!

Because when, not if, I find out who you are,

Because while I was getting pistol whipped

Because whoever it was...

Because you know all that shit

Because you know how much it's gonna cost

Because you know what happens to snoops.

Because your crooked boss

Because your final thought on this earth wasn't about how my gun tasted.

Because, and I'm sorry kid, I don't know how to break this to you, but...

Because, asshole, if we hadn't gone upstairs

Because, just so I understand you,

Because, listen, this car chase is gonna get a little crazy...

Before Archer comes back with that ransom money.

Before you shoot a big, salty load in your pants.

Before!

Being a n**** must be so exciting.

Being chauffeured by a dwarf!

Believe me, I know.

Bernice! Yes, Bernice.

Bernice? Somewhat obviously.

Besides a cold Brewski, am I right? Hello?

Besides rapists?

Besides, if... If you don't shut your fat mouth,

Best... day... ever!

Bet that's pretty much recession proof.

Bet they got arrested again. Idiots.

Better take one of each.

Better take one of these codeines.

Between hope and despair.

Big beat walkin' Bob.

Big man! Feelin' froggy!

Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!

Boy, you don't miss a trick.

Brand newly deceased.

Brandy, if you have it. Fresh out, turns out.

Bring her to me. I wanna to meet her.

Bronze star with two oak leaves and "V" device.

Buck private. And do you know what that tells me?

Bull... shit.

Bullets? Daily.

Bullshit. Which... and that's fair, but...

Bungled this whole thing,

But a whole fist? Aaahhh!

But after that,

But also because...

But also gradually more berserker.

But are you crazy?

But don't judge them by their looks.

But even so, Woodhouse.

But first we're gonna plant a few seeds.

But for Christ's sake, man.

But good luck getting in there without a...

But he didn't know about this part.

But how much of that did you hear?

But how? He's like...

But I almost kind of hope there's a werewolf.

But I am going to fix this, trust me.

But I don't know any hispanics or n****es.

But I have another job for you.

But I know burnt pubes when I smell 'em!

But I may have to wait them out.

But I meant it when I said I'd do anything

But I sure won't forget it.

But I thought they loaded all you G.I.S down

But I was a murderer before you turned me into a freak,

But I wonder. What if we had a comedy night?

But I'm not gonna have that,

But I'm not working any angle, so...

But if I were you, I'd just go ahead and jump out.

But if it'll help you decide,

But if maybe you wanted some dope...?

But if you help me, I can help you

But if you think about it, which I guess you can't,

But if you want me to let you live, chief,

But instead I'm looking for a damn finger.

But it shows what you know,

But it wastes so much less air conditioning

But it's like, at some point, you gotta question your choices.

But my brother got her pregnant in the first place.

But not really,

But on some level, it's gotta be pretty frustrating.

But putting aside, for now,

But she can't be dressed like a maid,

But since I'm guessing that was

But so far, she's done nothing. Right?

But that better be the last time I smell you

But that's how father prefers it.

But the other half says you're slightly more use to me alive.

But then business kind of dropped off.

But then you didn't let me finish.

But then... how...

But trust me, it is utterly delicious.

But trust me, they're quite delicious.

But try that hard on shit with me,

But want to know the best part? That wasn't it?

But what are you gonna do with them, Poovey?

But what?

But when you hit the ground,

But whoever they were, betcha they're pissed.

But you got to pull yourself together!

But you have to promise to set

But you're gonna have to repeat that.

But your employer, Mr. Trexler, does. It's not his body!

But, I mean, not really? Really.

But, uh, get me out of here alive, and the ransom money, we'll call it even, okay?

But, unfortunately,

But... and then you're gonna help me find

But... no, I'm not cutting off her...

But... that's for a tooth, dummy,

Buy a single orange? That's...

By a Brazilian wandering spider.

By all those Chinese broads.

By way of north Africa and Sicily.

By which I mean the police!

Call her parents posing as a kidnapper,

Can he hear us?

Can I buy you a drink?

Can I help you?

Can I... help you?

Can I... help you?

Can obvious prostitutes do that?

Can somebody...

Can we eventually get to Trexler's?

Can you hotwire it? No.

Can you... Oh, right. LAPD. We're looking for a...

Careful what you wish for.

Casper?

Caw! Caw! Seriously.

CECIL: So, Trinette, as a prostitute,

CECIL: There's no incest!

Chang Poovey.

Charlotte Vandertunt,

Charlotte Vandertunt?

Charlotte's ostensible severed finger?

Ciao! Alrighty, then.

Cigarette? No, thanks.

Claiming that he is the kidnapper.

Clams! What?

Close. I'm a private investigator.

Come on, Archer. Get your shit together.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on...

Come on, I don't have all goddamn day!

Come on, man, jam it in there

Come on, move it! What're you, hourly?

Come on, move it.

Come on, you bent prick, look up.

Come on! Come on! Move your asses!

Come on. Come on. Move your lazy asses.

Come on. Listen.

Come to think of it, so screw.

Come to think of it, where were you last night?

Comedians, little routines...

Commandeered a vehicle.

Commandeering this vehicle.

Common misconception. Frankenstein was the doctor

Cops took it

Could be another three months.

Could be tomorrow,

Could be... Yeah.

Could they possibly be celebrating?

Could we ever possibly be together?

Couldn't sleep.

Cryptic. Nice.

Daaaamn!

Dammit, Archer! You did that on purpose!

Dammit, they're in defilade, I can't see what they're doing.

Dammit! Drive the car, you asshole!

Dammit.

Damn it, I don't care if the number's unlisted!

Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it. I gotta at least tip her.

Damn, man! Why the hell'd you do that?

Damn! You see.

Deeply. Very well.

Defraud an old man out of a million dollars

Depends. What's your angle, Shamus?

Depends. Who's asking?

Depleted the global strategic pie reserves?

Dick.

Did someone catch you snooping?

Did someone named Gurnk take it?

Did ya get 'em?

Did you beat a Guinea pig to death

Did you find Charlotte Vandertunt?

Did you have a follow up to that, or...

Did you hear the one about...

Did you kill her?

Did you see that? Yeah.

Did... wait. Shit. They both are.

Diminishing returns, cliff!

Dirty cop. Well, or any tradesman, really.

Distinguished service cross

Do I look like a junkie to you?

Do what he tells you.

Do what now? What the hell are you doing?

Do what? What?

Do you have a cat? I smell dander.

Do you have any idea how bad that is...

Do you hear me? Yes. We're right here.

Do you know how much I don't care?

Do you know how much I don't care?

Do you know who I work for?

Do you know whose truck this is?

Do you think it was one of Trexler's goons?

Do you wanna get caught? We're not gonna get caught.

Do you wanna go?

Do you? You're saying this is all my fault.

Do your worst.

Do..

Does a semi private investigator incur?

Doing a little work for your boss, Mother.

Doing good? Having a swell time?

Doing in a place like this?

Doing in a place like this?

Doing the same thing over and over

Don't be stupid!

Don't exactly make us war heroes.

Don't you have a house to haunt?

Don't you move, you sick bugger!

Door wide open, none of Trexler's goons around?

Double double, toil and trouble...

Down in the sub basement.

Down! Down! Down! Goddammit, do these muttz even speak Engl...

Dreamland? Do you know Lana Kane?

Dreamland... has a whole goddamn

Drop the ransom off, and with a bit of luck,

Duh huh.

During foreplay!

Dynamite would blow her teeth all over the stupid beach.

Eat a dick, Gort.

Eh, I try not to judge people.

Eh. Yeah, so...

Ergo, this plan is perfect!

Escape, obviously

Especially when you think about

Even if I shoved an entire uncooked breakfast in there...

Even one as phony as a three dollar bill.

Every 12 hours.

Everybody knows it's forbidden.

Everything is my business.

Everything seems under control here, so we'll just, um...

Everything!

Ew!

Ew! Ow!

Eww! Don't you start!

Eww! Son of a...

Exactly.

Exactly.

Exactly. And this is the last place

Exactly. That face right there.

Exactly. Whose fault is that?

Excellent.

Excuse me! Doctor, where are you taking this patient?

Excuse me! I am effecting an arrest!

Excuse me?

Excuse me? No.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Eyeglasses, dark hair, gray at the temples,

Fair enough.

Family situation.

Fat Mike. Aw!

Father, do you wanna see

Father, say good bye to Charlotte's ostensible kidnapper!

Father, say hello to Charlotte's kidnapper.

Feels pretty good, huh, Dutch?

Figgis is counting on that ransom money.

Figgis, get your ass out here!

FIGGIS: No. I'm protecting the ransom money.

FIGGIS: Poovey, if you don't shut up...

Figgis. Archer.

Figuratively!

Figures he'd be a goddamn slob.

Fine. Then drive. Actually, we're here.

Finish your call, Pelham, and then Mr. Archer needs a drink.

First I need to count it to make sure you didn't steal any.

First of all, I... Wait.

First of all, if I wanted your seed...

First of all, that's just hurtful.

Flown here from Haiti at great expense,

For a bottle of frustration.

For all we know, those were Trexler's guys!

For an additional $10,000.

For anybody to think I would be at the office, so...

For hijacking my truckload of whores!

For his hands on approach. Maybe.

For losing his Chinese sex slaves!

For man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live,

For Mother to blame me for the drop going tits up.

For now.

For one thing, I have military experience, so...

For stealing Trexler's whores!

For the cuddles, huh?

For the exchange of the ransom money for my horrible sister?

For the last time! I am not a transvestite!

For the love of god, man, do something!

For the rest of your short life!

For the sex slaves Trexler was gonna...

For the... I'm not a transvestite!

For the... We had sex!

For those magical disappearing whores,

For what? What are you...

For which I am prepared to offer you $10,000.

For you, Archer,

Forgive you? For wh..

Four? Out of... five?

Full of clues and then start rampaging, but... holy shit,

Gasp. And I pulled my gun

Genitals? Yes, where did we land on that?

Get 'em jobs.

Get me outta here alive, all right?

Get up there and entertain those people

Get up, dummy. We gotta go.

Get up, you lummox! Huh?

Get... St stay and watch you finish.

Getting chased by goddamn robots!

Getting the caviar stains out of my spats.

Getting your tits screwed off for a change.

Go back there,

Go easy, Archer. Poovey, I swear to Christ,

Go get it!

Go nuts.

Go where?

Go!

Go! Go!

God, the week.

God... Damn it!

Goddammit, Poovey!

Goddammit!

Goddammit!

Goddammit! I..

Goddammit.

Goddammit.

Goddammit.

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it!

Goddamn it! And my service weapon!

Goddamn it! What?

Goddamn it! Yeah, so, like an insurance policy.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn it.

Goddamn.

Goddamn.

Gonna do your armpits?

Good evening, ladies.

Good idea! Here, lemme give you a hand with that!

Good lord. You should have

Good.

Got grass and goddamn dirt up my crack.

Grand larceny... oh, and while we're on the subject,

Great Scott! Wha...

Great, while you're at it arrest him!

Great.

Great. Come back at midnight. I'll give you the details.

Grinding against your spine.

Grnk!

Grrrrghh...

Guess I better not stall.

Guess I'll just ride with this mook.

Guess Trexler's not opening a Chinese restaurant.

Guess.

Guy? Nazi scientist...

Ha ha! Holy shit!

Ha haa!

Ha! Oh, man, was my fake name not the best?

Had to serve in support units.

Hair trigger my ass, gimme that!

Halberds! No, no, no, no, did you...

Hang on

Hang on, lemme try something.

Hang on.

Hang on. (gulping)

Hang on. Did I just open that?

Hang on. I got everybody's but mine. Uh...

Hang on. Tsk. I know you from Dreamland.

Hang on. Uh, hey, let me see your service weapon.

Hang on. We still gotta get our fingerprint cards.

Hard surface.

Hardy har har

Hardy har har.

Has this happened before?

Have been typical about that?

He cometh up and is cut down like a flower.

He did, for a heroin addict.

He didn't tell me to do it.

He died in prison thanks to tertiary neurosyphilis.

He fleeth as it were a shadow.

He is immortal!

He killed my guys!

He needs a hospital!

He said he didn't believe that I'd been kidnapped. Yes, he...

He said, coyly. Silence, prisoner.

He was one of... No, he was my best customer.

He what?

He... let me guess!

He'd ever think to look for us, so... Hey, guys!

He'll be dead in... Ten hours

He'll freeze to death in there!

He's a goddamn robot!

He's dead. What?

He's gonna keep her locked up here,

He's gonna, he's gonna, we gotta...

He's not lookin' too good! You're lookin' real good.

He's the biggest mobster in L.A.

He's walking around dead and just doesn't know it yet.

Heading into this half cocked.

Heiress to the vast Vandertunt Publishing Fortune?

Heiress to the vast Vandertunt publishing fortune.

Heiress to the vast Vandertunt publishing fortune.

Hello!

Hello! Can anybody hear me?

Hello! Hello!

Hello! Son of a...

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Ass!

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello? Wait, what's this?

Help! My pubes!

Helping me find Woodhouse's killer.

Her teeth are perfect. My teeth are perfect.

Here it is! Oh, my God.

Here. Take 'em!

Hey, 1933 called.

Hey, be careful, it's got a...

Hey, guard, we got a sick man in here!

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Come on.

Hey, I said, "Right?" Oh, Jesus,

Hey, listen to me. Whoever you are,

Hey, not that it should matter, but I was a Tanker.

Hey, pal. You got a second?

Hey, thanks.

Hey, uh, could I order some pie?

Hey, we should go to a drive in!

Hey, where the hell are you guys?

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Hey! Who keeps leaving the goddamn seat down?

Hi, alphonse?

His plan? Yeah, to ransom her off.

Hits like a weak little bitch of a girl,

Hm. I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that. What...?

Hm. Normandy? Yeah.

Hm. Now, what's a nice, unmarked LAPD girl like you

Hm. Wonder what the other thing was?

Hmm!

Hmm! I know, right?

Hmm. Bottle of PBR.

Hmm. Fair enough.

Hmm. Honestly, not that bad. What's that, codeine?

Hmm. I don't know.

Hmm. Presumably with the Vandertunts.

Hold on. You're gonna get yours.

Hollow that big bastard out,

Holy shit! I can't believe I did that!

Holy shit! Right? Actually...

Holy shit.

Honestly,

Hoover. And trust me,

Hopefully Long Beach.

Hopefully some kids won't walk by and eat it.

Hopefully. Now move!

Hospital! Okay, jeez, I'm going!

How about the tip of my cock?

How about you guys? What are you in for?

How am I supposed to convince Vandertunt you're serious?

How are there n**** policemen?

How are they my responsibility?

How are you assholes even here?

How are you here?

How can I?

How do you already know that?

How do you feel about role playing...

How do you take it? Usually alone.

How do you think it went?

How does that help?

How in the risen Christ am I supposed to find them in a week? I..

How is six years in jail right?

How is that so goddamn funny?

How long does it take you to make it? I don't know. An hour?

How long was I in there?

How many women can one man lose?

How many years have I been in here?

How or why you did it, I don't know, and I don't care,

How quasi?

How quasi?

How should I know?

How the hell are you walking around?

How the hell should I know?

How was that my fault?

How was your evening?

How were they going to do that?

How, could you possibly think you're the boss of me?

How? Do you want me to do a striptease?

How'd that go?

How's everybody doing tonight?

Huge mistake. Huge!

Huh! What change?

Huh?

Huh? But not one of mine, though, right?

Huh? Now listen.

Huh? Oh. No, dummy.

Huh? They blowtorch the hair right off of it.

Huh? Where's my tough old Dutch?

Huh? Yeah. Here.

Huh.

Huh. Let's go, let's go. Come on.

Huh. Ngh!

Huh. Now, why would the door be open?

Humanize yourself. I don't know

Hurry up!

I actually have some thoughts on that.

I actually won't. Well, unless it's before Friday.

I also paid you a lot of money.

I am a trained private investigator!

I am a treasury agent! What?

I am gonna go buy a bus, and literally throw you under it,

I am handsome.

I am lieutenant Cyril Figgis, LAPD, you sentient shit sacks!

I am lovin' this Marijuana cigarette!

I am not in the least confused!

I am simply mortified.

I am the cops, asshole! I'm working a missing persons!

I am the police.

I apologize for the heat.

I assume looking for drooling beauty over there.

I assume you're familiar with him?

I assume you're referring either to my robotic limbs

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon?

I believe were your exact words.

I bet in the long run it's more economical.

I bet she's gonna try to ransom Charlotte!

I bet they fell out in the house.

I call factor k

I can do it! No, you can't!

I can get the money and get Figgis murdered.

I can never unsee him naked.

I can't believe it took you so damn long.

I can't double cross him again. Why not?

I can't even imagine the day you've had.

I can't understand a word you're saying.

I could actually go for some pie.

I couldn't hear you over the sound of your Adam's apple

I did it just to see his light go out.

I didn't know if you were *******.

I didn't know, okay?

I didn't think it was possible, but somehow being kidnapped

I didn't! No, no, this is just

I do little bit. Then shut up.

I do not, actually, and I am not,

I do. But what do I call you?

I don't care if my family does pay the ransom.

I don't care who does the dissolving.

I don't even know where to think about thinking to start looking!

I don't even know where you're going.

I don't have a Band.

I don't have time for this shit!

I don't know what the hell you think you're gonna do.

I don't know why you're so angry.

I don't know, I didn't really have anything, I was just...

I don't know!

I don't know.

I don't know. A four?

I don't know. I try not to judge.

I don't pay you to be sorry.

I don't really have time to stop.

I don't think I could eat. Will that hold him?

I don't wanna sound greedy, but maybe, if I'm lucky,

I don't want any part of those parts!

I don't want her watching us.

I don't... Whoever hit me took it.

I dunno, I guess just clean livin'!

I dunno, next week, or...

I got a guy.

I got a ton of guys. We'll outlast him.

I got blood on you.

I gotta get higher.

I guess I found it all stimulating enough.

I guess it's not his move.

I guess mainly because you were so weirdly private.

I guess you can't blame the guy for trying.

I had anything to do with

I hate to say "need."

I hate to say I told you so. Do you?

I have a tendency to get sidetracked.

I have codeine!

I have Dexedrine.

I have no idea why I'm telling you all this.

I haven't slept in, like, literally four days, so...

I heard they did a nice wedge salad.

I heard you! Tsk!

I honestly wouldn't know where to begin.

I I could bring you her.

I I don't understand. Are you a cop?

I I know. Sorry. Long day.

I I was just coming to see you.

I I would have thought your tastes

I I'm Archer. I'm a private eye,

I insist you let me share your Marijuana cigarette!

I just don't know her name, because... She's a maid?

I just never understood that.

I just said. Sorry?

I just wanna get some hot water!

I knew we'd get there eventually.

I know all about gross abuse of a corpse!

I know if you don't shut up,

I know this isn't, you know, ideal,

I know what you meant.

I know what you meant.

I know what you meant.

I know, and I'm sorry. It's just..

I know, but look, I'm just trying to make sure

I know, but look, I'm just trying to make sure

I know, but... Not even a voodoo priestess,

I know. I know. That one was just for me.

I know. It sounds disgusting,

I left all my cash at the track.

I left all my cash at the track.

I live in the ten room penthouse apartment upstairs.

I may be literally starving to death.

I may have over smoothed.

I mean how are you still alive?

I mean I do, but...

I mean, dentally, maybe, but if she just disappears?

I mean, don't know how they would.

I mean, first my whores, and now Charlotte Vandertunt?

I mean, Halberds,

I mean, how hard could that be?

I mean, I feel like I already know the answer,

I mean, I know a guy who knows a guy,

I mean, I'll swing by your apartment

I mean, in this economy?

I mean, in what kind of crazy dream world

I mean, not your... I...

I mean, obviously she's a maid. Really.

I mean, obviously, we'll put it to a vote, but...

I mean, presumably

I mean, seriously, just...

I mean, since my partner died.

I mean, that was more to look the other way, so...

I mean, the size of that thing.

I mean, would you not just die?

I mean, you don't think I'm being unreasonable?

I mean, you don't want to drive all the way

I mean, you know, no offense, but...

I mean...

I mean...

I mean...

I mean...

I mean...

I mean...

I meant with Archer and the ransom!

I meant you were confused about me caring

I meant... I know what you meant.

I meant... I know what you meant.

I need a new lock on my diary?

I need you to drive out to Vandertunt castle

I need your help to do it, though.

I never even see the inside of a cell.

I obviously am. Me too.

I pay you to make other people sorry.

I pissed off two crime bosses and a dirty cop,

I put a bullet in your big fat stupid face!

I said sorry in advance. And what are you doing here?

I said,

I said, "why was your office ransacked?"

I said, I... you think this is some sort of joke?

I said, I'm looking for a corpse.

I said, that will do!

I said...

I shall do nothing of the sort

I shall return to this place

I should be looking for my partner's killer,

I showed you my shield! And if you'd show it to me again...

I spent my life in jail, and now I'm a disgusting old woman!

I suppose I could use this time to constantly honk the horn.

I swear to Christ, when I find your ass,

I swear to god that I will get you your million dollars.

I swear to god, if I have to stop this car...

I swear, i am such a pistol.

I think getting Bernice through the lobby

I think he got too far behind on his dope tab,

I think I would've preferred werewolf.

I think it might be some kinda Hercule Poirot type deal,

I think it was something.

I think their headlights are off. No, they're not,

I think we're being f...

I think we're being followed. We're not being followed!

I think you haven't.

I think you might be confusing me with your personal shopper.

I think you're confused, doll.

I thought I made it pretty clear to the little weirdo

I thought I was talking to a tramp or a dog, or..

I thought this was gonna be, like,

I thought you had guts.

I trust him. He brought me a finger.

I trust you. Unless... What?

I vote no.

I want you to help me fake my death.

I wanted to get mixed up with mobsters

I was being facetious, Mr. Archer.

I was in the transport corps. I was a steward.

I was just... Oh, damn it, what do you want?

I wasn't implying you kept them.

I will literally die.

I will punch you right in the... genitals.

I will.

I wish you wouldn't antagonize him.

I won't be responsible for my actions.

I won't have you become

I wonder if that was your will.

I wonder what could've gone wrong.

I would have gone with Pantagruel.

I would like a drink, please.

I would need you to help me.

I wouldn't say "bloodbath."

I wouldn't trust you to fix potato Salad!

I, I didn't mean to! This damn thing's got a hair trigger!

I...

I...

I... Because if you found out who killed him,

I... because now you owe me.

I... but... I mean, since when?

I... huh? So, who knew you wouldn't be there?

I... I apologize, I stand corrected.

I... I could really tighten up my set.

I... I do, but... What?

I... I know you're poor.

I... I mean, uh... "Lana" is fine.

I... look, I really don't think

I... look, I'm just trying to find the bastard

I... sorry. I've had a busy day.

I... that's...

I... well, first of all,

I... you have to remember me!

I... you mean, the heiress

I.E., inside me, not melting in a 50 gallon drum of acid

I.E., my whores, and from you, I.E., your feet!

I'd also do anything just to see Lana Kane again.

I'd do it while you were asleep!

I'd probably say bourbon.

I'd probably say yes.

I'd sent all my clean shirts ahead.

I'll be here.

I'll bet. I've had quite a busy day myself

I'll do anything to find Woodhouse's killer.

I'll expect the ransom within 24 hours, so you'll see to that.

I'll go ahead and take the ransom money.

I'll have to mail somebody your foot.

I'll kick your dick off your body.

I'll make an anonymous payment to her family

I'll regret that decision, so...

I'll say. You'll say what?

I'll show ya who's boss!

I'll tell you who's not having fun.

I'll try to bring a.J. By tomorrow.

I'm a goddamn freak!

I'm a treasury agent!

I'm a... a detective. LAPD, so...

I'm afraid I don't have time to kill you.

I'm afraid this is nonnegotiable.

I'm also just lucky in general.

I'm being obtuse? Yes.

I'm commandeering this vehicle.

I'm doing some work for your boss.

I'm fine. I want to be here if...

I'm going as fast as I can!

I'm going to liquefy you.

I'm gonna leave you here.

I'm gonna make ya mop it up and suck on the mop!

I'm gonna need those keys.

I'm in. Excellent.

I'm just a sucker for physical comedy. Case in point...

I'm just slowing you down. So, uh...

I'm just sort of a go between.

I'm just trying to save you a trip. How...

I'm like, "live and let live."

I'm not a goddamn...

I'm not a transvestite, you idiot!

I'm not accustomed to being stood up,

I'm not going back there!

I'm not kidnapping a Vandertunt.

I'm not staying out here with him.

I'm not taking him anybody's finger.

I'm not! I had no idea!

I'm out. Yep.

I'm priapic! From the shock!

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry that prick Archer shoved you out of a moving car,

I'm sorry, darlin',

I'm sorry! I... (gunshot)

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry? As well you should be.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. All I'm hearing is "gurnk

I'm sorry. Should I not be?

I'm sorry. This is my first kidnapping.

I'm starting to think you guys don't wanna hang out!

I'm trying to escape a quasi incestuous

I've got all night. And he's hourly, so...

I've got tons to live for.

If Figgis doesn't square things with Trexler,

If for nothing else, that outfit.

If I find out you're lying to me...

If I wanted your asshole on my mouth,

If I'm going to make it to long beach in time.

If she had refused to get an abortion, so...

If the wheels end up coming off this thing,

If we had, you'd remember.

If we were being followed, I would know it!

If ya want me to bust your heads open for ya.

If you don't get a shot of factor k every 12 hours,

If you help me do this,

If you need a finger, just take one.

If you two will please excuse us?

If you want me to talk him out of this murder rap,

If you're gonna put it back in somebody.

If... for now.

Implied incest.

In a bread line and ask for toast.

In a quenelle, roulade, or galantine.

In all the excitement of the ransom drop, I evacuated.

In exchange for one million dollars.

In fact, you left the army at the same rank you went in.

In her flaps? Yes!

In L.A.? I wanna say...

In my bar for the past year.

In my Nazi kidnap slash **** fantasy.

In several different boxes.

In the dampest part of the building...

In the hope the kidnappers left my bag behind.

In the meantime,

In the midst of death, we are in life.

In the midst of life, we are in death.

In the movie I walked with a zombie. The zombie titular.

In the stables. Ah.

In the very broadest possible sense...

In this economy!

In your office, late at night.

Insinuate ourselves into this whole deal,

Instead of Bernice!

Interrupting cow...

Intriguing.

Is called the "potato compartment"?

Is even more boring than my Mother's funeral.

Is go down to pier 9 in long beach tonight

Is going on here?

Is it just me, or is it cold?

Is it just me...

Is it your feeding time already?

Is it, uh, a truck full of my Chinese whores?

Is much more important than why.

Is on the telephone just now,

Is that why your hands are so big?

Is the parking brake off?

Is to fill this car to the rafters with dynamite

Is... is that your final answer?

Isn't it sugar?

Isn't it? I... look, this whole fiasco started

Isn't that right, Trexler? Trexler?

It absolutely is. Doesn't matter.

It came from this way. Come on.

It comes with a note saying she's dead.

It could be a piece of a hot dog!

It doesn't matter where she is, just where the ransom money is.

It is absolutely not.

It is just dandertown frolics.

It looks like murder!

It may take a lot longer than an hour...

It means they empty their bladder and bowels.

It was a coincidence.

It was a gift.

It was just gross abuse of a corpse

It was just sitting there.

It was probably that golem of hers.

It would be worth it.

It's a... a prisoner... prisoner transport.

It's about you, killing my partner!

It's actually a waxing gibbous.

It's all your fault!

It's been a long couple of months.

It's gonna be you going over that goddamn cliff

It's good. How's it feel?

It's just a temporary setback,

It's just that the kidnappers

It's just that while I was down in Long Beach,

It's Latin. It means "to whose profit." So?

It's like the national dish of Peru. Did...

It's my business to know a great many things, Mr. Archer.

It's not like he was walking around

It's not too late to turn back.

It's obvious that Archer's

It's okay. Let him go. You big lummox.

It's our second offense.

It's positively tropical in here.

It's really in there? See for yourself.

It's really no trouble. I love my work.

It's three inches of solid... Oh shit!

It's you. Well, your shock.

It's, like, my signature move!

It's... frustrating?

Jam a rock on the accelerator,

Jeez. Knock it off!

Jesus Christ, every full moon.

Jesus Christ, Figgis, you couldn't suppress a cough!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ... And then white slavery, that's...

Jesus, are you suicidal?

Jesus, it's the cop, poovey.

Jesus, you people would stand

Jesus!

Jesus! Can somebody, please, shoot him?

Jesus! He's some kinda robot!

Johann Schmidt, aka the red skull,

John Moses Browning.

Jorge...

Just a big fat pair of blue lady balls.

Just admit that you like her.

Just another mindless killing machine!

Just buzz me in, ya hump

Just checking

Just drive by the house. She can wave to you.

Just filling the coolers with ice.

Just for kicks, melts people.

Just get in the truck.

Just give me a call.

Just in case you need to smooth down the jagged edges.

Just like that sick bastard out there!

Just like you always said, woodhouse,

Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper

Just make sure the money's at the drop by midnight,

Just so you can dress her in your room?

Just these weird German nudie mags about sports and..

Just thought maybe you could make it worth my while.

Just to make ends meet on a government salary,

Keep in mind I'm gradually gonna get more tired,

Keep your frickin' voice down.

Keys, idiot!

Kidnapping, conspiracy to commit kidnapping,

Kind of like cuy.

Lana Kane.

LANA: And wait. Weren't you wearing a polo uniform?

Lana: Thank you.

LANA: What! What's the big idea?

Lana! Uh, I mean, miss Kane.

Leave it to woodhouse.

Leaving it. Let's go.

Legion of merit. Croix de guerre with palm.

Len Trexler and that Cop Figgis were gonna kidnap her, so...

Len Trexler.

Let me ask you, should you be doing that?

Let me finish! Because my point is,

Let me go, goddammit. Come on!

Let me guess.

Let me rephrase that.

Light the fuse, and then slam it into... oh!

Like a kitten with a million dollars.

Like a meddling asshole! Wh...?

Like all taboos.

Like living with a bunch of roosters.

Like mother and Len Trexler about as much as I wanted

Like so much... Forcemeat!

Like the, the tin man!

Like we're there to help,

Like your family's don't fake their own deaths.

Like, a four?

Like, a whole handful. At 7:00 A.M., you care for bourbon.

Like, cotton picking slavery...

Listen to me, you testify against him,

Listen, you had just better put Mr. Vandertunt

Little Miss Vanderpanties is in solitary,

Look at me!

Look what you've done to me!

Look, all I need you to do

Look, I know you Cops have to check your weapons up front,

Look, I'm just following orders.

Look, if you... ehh!

Look, it's your own fault for doing right

Look, lady... and here,

Look, man, verl's got to be the cop.

Look, miss... Vandertunt.

Look, nothing we can do will bring

Look, tonight your brother is going to drop

Look, we'll be right behind you,

Look! What are you... Uh, no, don't...

Look... I can't drive

Looking your way, Huizhong.

Looks like she's having a rough night.

Losing precious time, not to mention my gun and my shield...

Lumber inspector. Huh. Didn't know that was a thing.

Made in Georgia. Captioned by media access group at wgbh

Mainly because Trexler hasn't paid me for my work yet,

Make me. I mean, don't make me.

Make this quick...

Man, I almost always do.

Man, I gotta warn Trexler Dutch wants to kill him.

Man, I wish I had a...

Man, that is a hair trigger.

Man, that septum is deviated, huh?

Man, that thing is outta control.

Man, this Dexedrine really does have an edge.

Man: Show us your tits!

Maybe he's got a selfish partner

Maybe I could do a comedy routine.

Maybe the one about the interrup... Ting cow? Moo!

Maybe they got us some new diapers.

Maybe, with your crazy jibber jabber

Me and Verl were in the Army. And I was in the Navy.

Me too.

Me too. I... wait. No. I meant...

Me! I always do shit like this! Like what?

Meaning?

Meanwhile, I have to dip into my rainy day fund,

Medical examination."

Mike.

Miss Kane!

Missing persons, yeah. White female, 30s,

Mistaken identities, and incest.

Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. Speak any German?

Mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf!

Mm, humanizes you?

Mm, maybe Chinatown?

Mm. For starters, even if you pull this off,

Mmm, like a reverse scavenger hunt.

Mmm! Aren't they? Zesty.

Mmm.

Mmm. What a load of shit.

Mmm...

Mmmm, well, now, that could work. Yeah, it's...

Mmmm, well, now, that could work. Yeah, it's...

Mmmmmm...

Mmmmmmmmmm, no.

Mmmmmmmmmmm, no.

Mmmmmmmmmmm, no.

Most confusing, yes, because such a person

Mother killed Woodhouse.

Mother will do.

Mother: Archer! And that little chippie of yours.

Mother: I'm sorry, what was that?

Mother: I'm sorry. I must have misheard you.

Mother: Well, then, I suggest you wake him.

MOTHER: What the hell

Mother. Archer.

Mouth like somebody used a tomato capper

Move, dick!

Move, goddammit.

Mr. Archer, and yet once again...

Mr. Archer?

Mr. Zerk!

Murder, figgis, you insufferable little prick!

Murdered three people.

Must you rob this poor girl

My brother did.

My exac... Were you eavesdropping on me?

My face! How long was I out?

My goddamn pubes are on fire!

My maid, whose name is, um...

My name's Archer.

My office, Archer. First thing tomorrow morning.

My partner was murdered. My office was burgled.

My partner's killer, right?

My point is I think we're both anti slavery.

My what?

My what? What're you wearing?

My what? What're you wearing?

Narcissistic, quasl Incestuous megalomaniacs!

Nazi robot farm in the basement.

n****es were to prove ourselves in combat,

Never took it up. Really?

New Delman heel somewhere in the goddamn idiot woods.

New dress all shit housed.

Ngh!

Nice to meet ya, Detective McGoon.

Nice try, Elliot mess!

Nice? Where...

No "Sorry I shoved you out of a moving frickin' car"?

No charges filed?

No police, at all, anywhere.

No police. Also a firm firm?

No shit. Easy!

No what? Wait. What?

No, actually, because you caught me

No, actually, you'll come with me!

No, because I'm going home now, so...

No, dummy. You just got here. Hey!

No, he won't. I'll call them in, like, half an hour.

No, I meant... I know what you meant.

No, I was... gonna say rope salesmen.

No, I... why are you so interested? No reason.

No, I'm actually just here for my blue stuff.

No, it wasn't.

No, it's just, what's a society dame like you

No, it's not. Also pepper.

No, just, if I had more time,

No, just, you know, you said "suicide."

No, just... Okay, so she's dead.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no...

No, no, no, no. Common misconception.

No, no, no, no... Stop it!

No, no, no!

No, no. I'm sorry.

No, no... I i i didn't kidnap her.

No, not you. Wha... wha... then who?

No, Poovey, she is the exact opposite of okay! She's dead!

No, she.. Wait. Really? Absolutely!

No, thank you, Zerk, that will suffice.

No, they make up the hispanic or n****.

No, they're not, they're just...

No, they're not. Exactly!

No, yeah, you should go. Away.

No, you crazy kraut bastard,

No, you lumpy little pervert!

No, you're not! Yes, I am!

No!

No!

No!

No! Well...

No! I mean, no.. I mean...

No! Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you.

No! They're all I have left!

No! We are not going through

No! Well...

No! You go get her, and you bring her here.

No? Okay, I got one.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. Because those are places

No. Come on. Look, I realize

No. I don't know.

No. I got somebody, though.

No. I told you, you can't.

No. I'm the Cop.

No. It's one of the few great pleasures in life.

No. Look... look, listen.

No. No, there was so much confusion.

No. Not not when you're pulling down

No. Now come on.

No. Oh, come on.

No. Sorry. You. He wants to kill you.

No. The FBI doesn't have any female agents.

No. Then nobody knows where she is

No. There were lions.

No. We'll use this one. No, no, no.

No. We're fine. No, thank you.

No. We're good.

No. Wh...

No. You know, if you differentiate between,

No. You'll forget all about them

No... no, no... this... this isn't... I i can explain.

Nobody can.

Nobody has ever said,

Noisy house guests. What do you mean, "house guests"?

None of your damn business.

Noooo!

Nooooo!

Nope. For what?

Not a transvestite, a treasury agent!

Not as frustrating as you!

Not as much as you do, obviously.

Not even as a joke!

Not even in a parallel universe!

Not for him.

Not great. Ya think?

Not helping! But if I were undercover,

Not her personally,

Not if that crazy kraut was on the level about that factor K shit.

Not literally,

Not literally, you ass! You scared me half to death! Ow! Ow! Will you... ow! Damn it!

Not many people knew I wouldn't be there.

Not one cavity, not one filling!

Not so fast, shamus.

Not some freaky metal robot legs!

Not that, dummy...

Not you! Idiot.

Nothing between me and death but my wits

Nothing.

Nothing. Ah. A man of mystery.

Notorious criminal Al Capone to tell him she gave him Syphilis.

Now go make me some blue stuff!

Now go, go, go! Oh!

Now hand over the dough, Figgis.

Now here.

Now I can find his killer and take revenge.

Now I get to go report what I observed.

Now I have no liquor.

Now look at you, walking around on new legs,

Now shut up, put these on, and follow my lead.

Now that second lunch is ruined.

Now then, would you mind telling me

Now we'll see how you like

Now where do you think you're going?

Now who's racist?

Now, aren't you glad you didn't shoot me?

Now, Peru has the Pisco sour, but...

Now, that is a lovely parting gift.

Now, then, I assume I have your undivided attention?

Now, what are we gonna do about him?

Now, you listen to me, Figgis, you schnorrer

Nowhere, apparently!

Nubbin.

Obviously I'll need you to... tie up

Obviously my agency would be in the know,

Obviously, I'm using the word "lady"

Obviously.

Of a quasi incestuous home life situation.

Of course you shalln't.

Of daughter and sister bangers.

Of her very last shred of dignity?

Of things to fill with Chinese whores.

Of your Rolls Royce, you spoiled little..

Off the coast of that was uncalled for.

Oh death, where is thy sting?

Oh grave, where is thy victory?

Oh, also, when I said I'd take you to the bus station...

Oh, and a bunch of salted duck eggs.

Oh, and also, uh, a rock.

Oh, and congee.

Oh, and I'm just supposed to take your word?

Oh, and if turns out you lose that arm,

Oh, and the next time you put your hands on me,

Oh, and the puppy's name is Dreams!

Oh, boy, I hope so. You know, as opposed to a ghost.

Oh, come now. Don't be such a pout

Oh, come on, everybody knows.

Oh, dammit! Can you hotwire it?

Oh, damn it!

Oh, damn it!

Oh, does it now?

Oh, don't play dumb with me!

Oh, duh.

Oh, for the love of...

Oh, for the... Rrrrgh!

Oh, for... that's the ransom money!

Oh, goddamn it.

Oh, good morning, miss Vandertunt

Oh, goody! Let me guess.

Oh, goody.

Oh, goody.

Oh, hardy har har.

Oh, hey, and Archer?

Oh, hey! How 'bout that taft hartley act?

Oh, I bet she's charming.

Oh, I don't know how you'd improve

Oh, I get it!

Oh, I have a bit of everything.

Oh, I suppose I'm just surprised.

Oh, I think that goes without saying.

Oh, I'll say

Oh, I'm gonna miss the shit outta you

Oh, is he taking drink orders?

Oh, is that all?

Oh, it's hilari..

Oh, jeez, I'm getting wet!

Oh, Jesus. Woodhouse.

Oh, just let him go.

Oh, like you're one to talk! I got three men in the morgue!

Oh, man!

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Never gets old.

Oh, my God, I've got so many ideas!

Oh, my God, if someone doesn't bring me toast

Oh, my God, if someone doesn't bring me toast

Oh, my god!

Oh, my God! Is diabetes contagious?

Oh, my god! You have a crush on her!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my god. Okay, take the wheel!

Oh, my god... because...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, no. I will not.

Oh, now, Trexler doesn't do the actual dissolving.

Oh, oh, the Lindbergh kidnapping. The IRS solved that.

Oh, okay. And by that remark,

Oh, Peng! Oh, he overcame dyslexia! (sobbing)

Oh, please! Wait. Seriously? Get out.

Oh, plus your wife. Would you...

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Oh, right.

Oh, right. Sorry, Father. Please continue.

Oh, right. Well, then, what's the point?

Oh, right. Where do they keep them?

Oh, right. Yes. Sorry. I forgot that part.

Oh, shit!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shut up, you were gonna ditch me!

Oh, so now you got a "but." But if you think about it,

Oh, so suddenly you work here again? I...

Oh, son of a...

Oh, sorry.

Oh, sorry. I thought you meant...

Oh, sweet Christ. What?

Oh, sweet Jesus lord god Christ,

Oh, sweet mother of Christ!

Oh, thank you. Oh, you're too kind.

Oh, that helps.

Oh, wait a minute. Why would the door be open?

Oh, we should stop for fried clams

Oh, wow!

Oh, yeah, I bet they were so happy to get their dead baby back.

Oh, yeah, that's right. What's it you're leaving to do?

Oh, yeah, what was up with that? She's a t man!

Oh, yeah? Well, how about that?

Oh, yeah. Hey, and while we're at it, why not regular China?

Oh, yeah. My mother used to do that.

Oh, yes. He's just being rude.

Oh, you finished, all right. Yeah. Maybe try Woolite?

Oh, you have got to be kidding!

Oh, you think that's funny, you shit heel?

Oh, you think you're pretty smart, huh? I mean, smart enough to know

Oh, you'd be surpri... yes, Pelham?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Oh,Figgis, that is some good work.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! ...Is your hotel?

Oh! Cover her face.

Oh! I need you to stop talking.

Oh! Mr. Trexler,

Oh! My God, the future is terrifying!

Oh! Now, scram, Archer!

Oh.

Oh. Although right about now I'm guessing she wishes it didn't.

Oh. And my body.

Oh. Goddammit.

Oh. Including white slavery? Yes, incl... wait. What?

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Ooh! Handwriting! Handwriting!

Oh. Then never mind.

Oh. Thought you meant besides that.

Oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Oh. Well, then...

Oh. Yeah. Maybe.

Oh. You don't happen to have

Oh..

Ohh, right. Duh.

Ohh.

Ohh. Mm hmm!

Ohh. Okay. Yeah.

Ohhh, shit.

Ohhh! I'll plunge my fist into your..

Ohhhh...

Okay, a, the tin man's not a robot... The tin man is a...

Okay, Archer, just stay calm.

Okay, Archer. It's your move.

Okay, but I have a bad feeling about this.

Okay, but I'm almost positive that's, you know, like an insulting term, for...

Okay, but... Boy, these are good.

Okay, I gotta get some sleep.

Okay, let's get you dancin', handsome.

Okay, Mother, but remember what I told you.

Okay, okay! Okay!

Okay, okay.

Okay, so, once I'm out there,

Okay, then.

Okay, verl can be the cop. But I'm still squad leader.

Okay, well think about that statement.

Okay, well, my house is a fortress.

Okay, yeah, tell me about Nazis.

Okay, you are just terrifying.

Okay, you dummy. So tonight, right now,

Okay, you know what?

Okay, you know what?

Okay! Goddamn it!

Okay! Jesus!

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. A, the free clinic's not even open till 9:00...

Okay. Although, come to think of it...

Okay. Good. Good. That's...

Okay. Hey, come on. Let me... Hey, relax.

Okay. I got to go to work, but I'll be back tonight.

Okay. Jesus.

Okay. My turn.

Okay. Observe and report.

Okay. Same goes for those Chinese whores.

Okay. So, first thing tomorrow morning.

Okay. So, I'm gonna soak the upholstery with gas,

Okay. There's Archer's car, the cops...

Old buncombe, if you've got it.

Omaha beach.

On a solid half hour about Syphilis.

On infinite (bleep) earths!

On one, two...

On the line this instant!

On the word "private."

On what possible legal grounds?

On your own. Well, yeah.

Once I have the money, you're free to go.

One crippled, and Len Trexler ready to go to war.

One of 'em owed a bunch of money to Len Trexler.

One of two things is gonna...

One to one? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe.

Only you. What?

Oof.

Ooh. We don't

Or 12.

Or any part, 'cause he wasn't here.

Or both! Dun dun dun!

Or does it smell like finger?

Or even a belt. Or even shoelaces.

Or Friday.

Or get shot in the face!

Or have you singlehandedly

Or here.

Or if that even matters to you.

Or is it Ecuador? Did you...

Or it will be, once they run our prints

Or just meat stuffed intestines in general?

Or maybe sarcastic island,

Or offering to plunge your finger,

Or penis, into my anus

Or what he's thinking about.

Or what I've actually been taking.

Or what's the deal?

Or why I picked you up.

Or you were working undercover to bring me down!

Or, I don't know, maybe a surf and turf dinner

Or, like, scarcity... Of sugar?

Or... I'm just spit balling here...

Our own chance of escaping by taking her with us

Our what?

Out of all your paychecks!

Out of the truck.

Out of what? Are you going to help me or not?

Out there just to have him say,

Out! All of you, out!

Out! Jesus!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! Goddammit, woman!

Ow! I do!

Ow! I mean...

Ow! Oh. Still tender, huh?

Ow! Shut up.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow. Join this great new club.

Ow. Okay, that kind of hurt,

Ow. Son of a... I mean, just ow.

Oww! Son of a...

Oww! What'd ya, eat a buncha magnets?

Paid up? He paid in advance.

Painting the town Red? Wonderful!

Palm reader.

Park behind them.

PBR. Wow.

Pelham has had the most interesting telephone call.

Perhaps. But before I could help you,

Perhaps. You made that very clear.

Pff! I'm worth at least two packs.

Pff! You know.

Pfft! Talk about no good deed. It was a good deed.

Pierre beauvais Rouge.

Pierre beauvais. Rouge.

Please accept my apology. I...

Please explain what you've been doing

Please hold the wire.

Please, don't be surprised if I shoot you.

Please, Figgis, for your sake, tell me you're joking.

Please! Then you'd never get paid.

Please.

Plus he cut me off in traffic.

Plus I bet that creepy old joint's

Plus it doesn't do any good. Look.

Plus, it's not like I can't handle Figgis and Poovey.

Poor thing.

Poovey, come on. Don't do this.

Poovey, put the gun down. Right?

Poovey: I say we put it to a vote.

Poovey: I was gonna say... ooh! Sprinklers! Nice!

POOVEY: No, you shut up! Come on! Wait!

POOVEY: Well, some people need to get shot!

Poovey? Mm hmm.

Poovey. Poovey!

Poovey. You look like shit.

Pre deceased young woman to fake my death.

Presumably knew you'd be elsewhere.

Punched his ticket for him.

Rarrrghh!

Ray Gillette. I'm kind of the Bandleader.

Really wish we hadn't have done that.

Really? I would think who

Really? No, dickhead.

Remember what I told you.

Remember? 'Cause you screwed his wife's tits off.

Remind me never to rent you a mule.

Reminds me... uh, reminds me of my cousin Eddie.

Rgh?

Right! Then we should go to my hotel.

Right?

Right?

Right? I mean, who tips their dope dealer?

Right? Ow! Come on, I snapped already!

Right? Shut up.

Right? What are the odds?

Right.

Right. For instance, I'm confused

Right. Okay, how's my face look?

Right. So, I've had a long day.

Roughly the same as if he finds out

Rrgh.

Rrgh...

Rrnk! Goddamn... rrnk!

Rrrgh...

Rrrraaaagh!

Rrrrgh!

Rrrrghh!

Rrrrrrghh!

Rudolph the Rude nosed Reindeer...

Sad Archer wasn't there.

Same height and weight, your same general bone structure.

Same with an egg. Ya crack it in, it cooks on the way to the hole.

Say what you will about der robotik ubermenschen.

Scrooching down

Second floor, room 202.

See you around, poovey.

See you didn't check yours.

See? Spoken like a true killer!

See... see you around, or...

Seeds of deception.

Seriously!

Seriously.

Seriously.

Seriously. And let me guess...

Seriously. Sorry about the laundry thing.

Set a 20 second cordite fuse,

Sexual slavery, then. Okay.

She gets home safely.

She just has this tiny little bitch of a...

She looks like a a rodeo clown.

She was at dreamland with Archer the other night.

She's actually Charlotte Vandertunt.

She's trying to get out

Sheer idiocy on your part, frankly.

Shh!

Shhh. You're gonna be okay.

Shinnying. Exactly!

Shock doesn't cause priapisms!

Shrubbish!

Shut it, Mccracken. And "treatment and counseling"?

Shut up and listen to me, okay?

Shut up, everybody!

Shut up! And gimme that!

Shut up! And no!

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up. How much for the champagne?

Shut up. I don't want anybody in dreamland to see me.

Shut up. Look, I...

Sickle cell anemia? No.

Silver star with two oak leaves.

Since when and how do you know that? Don't you see?

Sit down!

Sitting in a car in the street like some sort of...

Six years? For one lousy goof butt?

Slander!

Slang for "detective," so not an insult!

Slather the thing in hot sauce and eat it?

Smelled like lemon pledge and orange chicken.

Smoke grenade? What the shit?

Snap out of it. Ow, Jesus, that hurt.

So all we gotta do is...

So close.

So easy, even a cop could... wait.

So for all I know, you're that zombie

So go snoop around, see if you turn up anything.

So here I am, headed straight into the belly of the beast.

So his new puppy could get run over by a car.

So I am not looking forward to this.

So I can start killing these shitheads.

So I chased them, but then Figgis shot out my tire, and...

So I guess that's a no on the bourbon?

So I hear. Hmm.

So I need your clothes, your boots,

So I'm afraid I shall have to ask for proof

So I'm gonna kill you first.

So I'm gonna need you to kind of jump out.

So I'm serious. You better kill me.

So just follow their instructions,

So listen... uh, I don't wanna tell you how to live your life,

So much what? Forcemeat. Such as one might find

So now I gotta go find a goddamn finger?

So she had that ape whack him.

So sometime last night his dealer

So that instead of a fist,

So the best thing we can do now

So then she thought the two of you would get married

So there's still a chance

So this is a little awkward.

So we need to put her in your clothes.

So we'll fake the crash tonight,

So what are you in here for?

So what are you in here for?

So what? He knows I owe him the money!

So who wants their ass beat first?

So you're saying when I drive this truck out of here,

So, any last words?

So, Archer's the bagman for a kidnapping, huh?

So, as much as I would genuinely like to,

So, first, maybe a drink.

So, funny story.

So, he was paid up?

So, hey, I'm not an Architect, but I'm pretty sure

So, how are we gonna play this with the Vandertunts?

So, I don't know why you thought

So, I guess I'll see you around.

So, I guess we're done here?

So, I heard about a male prostitute who got Syphilis.

So, I'm gonna want a rematch

So, if you'll excuse me...

So, is this the part where

So, let's get to it, shall we?

So, no matter how eager

So, no, I work in the Intelligence Unit

So, no. The surprise is, we're gonna seriously jeopardize

So, one of two things is gonna happen here.

So, presumably, the Vandertunt family

So, then, you wouldn't need any help?

So, to make this work, you'd need a body.

So, uh, what are we doing?

So, uh, what are we doing?

So, uh, what are we doing?

So, uh, what are we doing? Are we just...

So, uh, what're we...

So, uh...

So, um...

So, unless they keep all the fingerprint cards down here...

So, was this a surprise?

So, what are we doing?

So, what are you, like, in the FBI?

So, what's Trexler importing?

So, what's wrong with this thing?

So, when I said, "do your worst"...

So, where are you, Figgis?

So, who knew you wouldn't be there?

So, yeah. So...

So, you big ox, when trexler loses...

So, you know, here's her finger.

So, you're just straight up crazy.

So, you're saying when I drive this truck out of here,

So...

So...

So...

So...

So... so what else?

Some new, improved people melting acid?

Some pull on fake feet, man, not... not...

Somebody broke into my office and tossed the place.

Somebody call an ambulance!

Somebody do something.

Somebody! Hey!

Somebody's gonna find me in a hole in the desert.

Something smells fishy.

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch!

Son of a bitch.

Son of a..

Son of a... that is so...

Sorry, are you talking to me,

Sorry, Bernice. Won't be long.

Sorry, lady.

Sorry! Our headlights don't work!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Here. Take these.

Sorry. I'm just extremely wealthy.

Sorry. Will you hurry up?

Sounds like somebody's smashing up all your shit.

Special Agent Lana Kane.

Still doesn't know where she is?

Still though.

Still, though. Mr. Zerk.

Stop it! Don't you see? You're better than this!

Stop it! So, in that scenario,

Stop it! What are you doing here, anyway?

Stop it.

Stop that this instant! You stop...

Strip him.

Super.

Suppressing fire!

Suppressing fire!

Sure can punch good.

Sweet mother of God!

Syphilis, Syphilis, Syphilis, Syphilis, Syphilis...

Take him a finger.

Take it easy, Archer.

Take the what? The wheel!

Take Trinette to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Talk about looking like a scarecrow.

Tell len trexler it was you.

Tell me before, so help me god,

Tell me this doesn't have anything to do

Tell me, Mr. Archer, does, or do,

Tell you what I do know, is robot dogs? Jesus Christ.

Terrific.

Tests. Just some routine tests.

Than a regular door.

Thank you for making an exception.

Thank you very much! Thank you!

Thank you.

Thanks to segregation, most of us

That a segregated service is just crazy.

That actually does sound funny. (chuckles)

That better have been a long ass apology.

That bitch...

That bloodbath down in Long Beach.

That could've been inside somebody.

That crazy robot was just about to finger you

That got walked with! That what?

That halberd was pretty nice.

That I didn't wanna see any cops near the drop.

That I try to solve them, you know...

That I would possibly want.

That is literally the worst thing we can do.

That is why I exchanged the money for goods and/or services,

That is... without a doubt,

That ought to do.

That poor girl into my clothes, in the trunk of a car,

That the cavalry is finally here

That was a poor choice of words,

That was Archer! What the hell would I want with a buncha Chinese broads?

That was just a car with broken headlights.

That was the circus.

That we're standing in a cranberry bog of blood!

That worked? Why are you still here?

That would be his enforcer, Dutch Dylan.

That would be pretty easy.

That would be woodhouse.

That would break his heart. Mm hmm.

That you don't like taking orders.

That you will rue... rue the very fact of your miserable birth!

That!

That. Smells like cuy.

That... that one's good. Let's... No, this one!

That'll do, schnuckiputzi.

That's because you have no vision.

That's cute. No, seriously.

That's great. Where are your keys?

That's like...

That's my mouth!

That's not her.

That's not very Casper y.

That's pretty common knowledge.

That's pretty confusing, but no.

That's probably why you smell burnt hair.

That's some set you got on you.

That's the spirit.

That's the whole point. I don't trust you.

That's what I said.

That's what I'm trying to find out.

That's what I'm trying to... What the hell is wrong with you?

That's what you told Archer. And look what good it did him!

That's what you told my bartender

That's why we would have a safe word...

That's... that's pretty awkward, right?

That's... That's what I said.

The bad news is, your wife has Syphilis."

The big idea is

The chesley, on sunset. That wasn't so hard, was it?

The Chinese sex slaves, by the way, that you let goooo!

The cops took it.

The curse of the Irish, and so forth.

The definition of insanity is...

The easiest thing would be to just

The fact that you feel like you have to say "no offense"...

The good news is, without my help,

The guy that's gonna fix you.

The heiress to the Vast Vandertunt Publishing Fortune?

The infamous Sterling Archer, private eye.

The judge'll go easy on you, and you're out in like... 20 years!

The key, you dickheads!

The last thing I wanted

The life. Shut up.

The man on the $10,000 bill?

The minute her panties hit the straw. The...

The most racist thing would be if whenever there was a war,

The night my office was robbed?

The point is, this poor girl was dead

The ransom money at the Griffith observatory.

The regular door is wide ass open!

The same.

The Spanish American war?

The steam pressure shoves it in the hole and seals it up.

The ten grand is plenty.

The what? And my bag! Which, again, was a gift! Aargh!

The whole thing must weigh a good 50 pounds.

Then do tell. What's a nice heiress like you

Then drove a truck over.

Then find killer, uh, revenge do.

Then how about a photo of her holding today's newspaper?

Then I can only assume I was bitten

Then it's all settled. Yeah. Uh, I guess.

Then we'll put Bernice in the driver's seat,

Then why'd you send me down to Long Beach

Then you go do something!

There are plenty of Chinese restaurants, laundries...

There aren't any headlights back there.

There he is.

There is a dead woman in the trunk!

There isn't one. Yet!

There were five of 'em!

There were two cars chasing us in the park, remember?

There. Plus tip.

There's a bullet hole in the radiator.

There's a nice way to do that.

There's a reason they say "kidnapping victim"

There's just so few of them who are friendly.

There's no money.

There's two dead men walking around there

They are Chinese.

They did have one... Alaska P. Davidson...

They did. Supposed to help keep you alert.

They don't speak English, dumb ass.

They get... poops? What?

They knew me from work.

They may seem appalling...

They murder their parents

They never came back from their Smoke Break.

They saved your life!

They say the devil's in the details.

They throw it your face! Uh...

They took my Fee ee ee ee eet!

They took my feet, Lenny.

They want their gold digger back.

They were in hell with a case of the clap!

They were ruining toast!

They'll be passing you around for half a pack of smokes.

They're a seething cauldron of neurotic, alcoholic,

They're all just really happy to be together,

They're gonna be looking for you.

Think of her family. Do you think I haven't?

This is a police emergency!

This is definitely gonna take longer than an hour.

This is the best... Day... ever!

This is Verl. That's Cliff, and that's...

This poor girl back to life.

This serum, which is sort of the key to the whole deal,

This whole thing is Archer's fault, so...

This, Danny... This is your world.

This! He has to have it to live!

Those are just jerry rigged ways to fix a leaky radiator.

Those Chinese ladies up in business.

Those girls are tied up, asshole.

Though, right? Well...

Three purple hearts. It goes on, Mr. Archer.

Three, next week.

Throw a chunk of potato or some pepper in there, cap it.

Throw me out of a goddamn car,

To Charlotte Vandertunt in this dump, so let's...

To do what, exactly?

To find Woodhouse's killer.

To get herself kidnapped by two different kidnappers at once.

To get mixed up in is a kidnapping,

To get some answers. I won't be long. Stay here.

To hear how you turned a stakeout into three dead,

To jail. Because you're both under arrest for murder.

To just kill you myself. I...

To leave his keys in the ignition... get in!

To murder me

To say thanks for a such a lovely evenin'.

To scoop out a pig's asshole and glued it under his nose?

To second lieutenant.

To send a kid to Stanford in 1967?

To steal back the photos of his cheatin' wife gettin'...

To stop talking to anybody.

To the federal building downtown.

To the vast Vandertunt Publishing Fortune?

To where? What? My headquarters!

To you, lieutenant, but...

Took a payoff to let them off that boat.

Topiary. My god, what rubbish.

Totally off guard by not denying it.

Totally.

Trexler didn't even know the drop was happening!

Trexler doesn't know we have the money...

Trexler!

Trexler? Why the hell are you here?

Tried to break into the club first thing this morning.

Trust me, it's totally stepped on!

Trying to offset some of the blue.

Trying to shut down rumors

Tsk.

Tu Tu.

Two words: Charlotte Vandertunt.

Typical Archer.

Typical! Typical! Typical! Typical! Typical!

Ugh!

Ugh!

Ugh! Hey, my keys!

Ugh! I swear to God...

Ugh! Seriously.

Ugh! Will you calm down?

Ugh. I already threw a chair.

Ugh. Now I don't even know if I want toast

Ugh. What? You think they heard that?

Uh huh. And then, maybe...

Uh huh. Including her father!

Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh, actually, I don't. And also, I don't, so...

Uh, because you're all under arrest.

Uh, better.

Uh, definitely n**** policemen.

Uh, do what now? I said, what the hell's going on here?

Uh, he goes to see the family doctor. Doctor says,

Uh, I think maybe somebody tossed the place?

Uh, I wouldn't know about that. Oh, it's when, uh...

Uh, is going to kill you. Was I not...

Uh, mountain climbers?

Uh, no, I walked into a door... Repeatedly.

Uh, no, it isn't.

Uh, not g great.

Uh, okay. And why would I do that?

Uh, one of those.

Uh, plus my ear hurts?

Uh, rescuing innocent women from a lifetime of sexual slavery!

Uh, Syphilis, Syphilis,

Uh, taking these reefer addicts over to Newton street...

Uh, that was rhetorical, shitheel!

Uh, this is a cigar.

Uh, uh, citizen's arrest?

Uh, we're way more than even. Wh...? How do you figure?

Uh, where do you think you're going?

Uh, yeah. Uh, let me start over.

Uh, you know what, let's play it by ear.

Uh, ze kidnapperz.

Uh...

Uh... oh, prostitutes and, uh, Syphilis. Okay.

Uhh! Goddamn it.

Um, "Sock sock."

Um, how does that bring them closure?

Um, I guess, parting gifts?

Um, uh, Trinette... McGoon.

Um...

Um...

Um...

Um... Goddammit.

Umm...

Umm... We'll just take my car.

Ungh!

Ungh! Oh, my God, that really hurt.

Unless you get an injection of it.

Unless you think Mr. Vandertunt

Until I find out the truth.

Upon the conclusion of my current business,

Using a severed human finger.

Usually dead people don't just climb out of these drawers

Usually people just blubber and beg,

Vandertunts have enough juice in this town to make sure

Vengeance will be mine.

Via the mail.

Wait a minute! I know that voice...

Wait, hang on, did you...

Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no...

Wait, there's toast?

Wait, wait, wait, what was that?

Wait, were those blanks?

Wait, what is this?

Wait, what?

Wait, what? Finger who? Ow!

Wait, what? No, no.

Wait, what? No, no. No, I meant...

Wait. Did you say "a change" or just "change,"

Wait. Patton's Panthers?

Wait. Really? Mm!

Wait. Shut up. "More importantly" what?

Wait. Used to?

Wait. Used to?

Wait. What the...

Wait. When I got pistol whipped, I was talking to an English guy.

Wait. You want me to help you make a move

Wake me...

Was blowing your load all over a woman's dress

Was it 1886?

Was that a lighter? Can we smoke?

Wasn't it sugar? He got my aunt pregnant.

Way the hell out there without some sleep. I...

We are not being followed!

We don't have an English guy.

We followed you.

We gotta get out, we gotta get out, we...

We gotta, we gotta, gotta get out,

We gotta, we gotta, we... What? Ngh!

We had nothing to do with it!

We kidnapped her, collect the ransom ourselves,

We never talked about that.

We only sent n****es.

We tried that! Grab the gimp!

We were merely using this poor

We wouldn't be... whatever!

We'll arrange for the return of your sister.

We'll be here.

We'll get it and the kidnappers.

We'll see how funny you are hopping around on one foot.

We're commandeering this vehicle.

We're done when I say we're done.

We're going to Dreamland,

We're going to need a finger."

We're gonna play it that you keep your fat mouth shut...

We're her Band, man. I'm Floyd.

We're not stopping for fried clams.

Well then, Mr. Archer,

Well then, that makes two of us. What are you...

Well,

Well, actually seven. What?

Well, after class flirt, I mean...

Well, and healthy. As a family.

Well, and... And then what's the point?

Well, at least let me talk to her.

Well, besides his being a misogynistic,

Well, but that's my whole point.

Well, but what did you do, exactly?

Well, but, you know, I didn't segregate the service,

Well, can't help you with that

Well, dreaming about, I suppose.

Well, either way, I can tell you right now i...

Well, first of all, it's "whom."

Well, for one thing,

Well, for one thing... Noooo!

Well, for starters, I'm gonna need you to forgive me.

Well, for starters, I'm gonna need you to forgive me.

Well, he died in prison thanks to the IRS.

Well, he... hey, do you need me for this?

Well, I actually don't have all night.

Well, I am if we don't take Trexler his money!

Well, I am now.

Well, I blew a load on your dress, so...

Well, I don't care.

Well, I don't want anyone to see me

Well, I guess I'll go.

Well, I had to get to Berlin.

Well, I mean, it was late at night. There was no reason

Well, I officially regret my decision.

Well, I suppose that looks like a mushroom.

Well, I wish you could hold a tempo.

Well, I... I can't, so...

Well, I... I shall work, of course.

Well, I'd hardly call this a parade.

Well, I'm sorry I can't be of more help

Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

Well, it is a full moon, so...

Well, it is now.

Well, let's go to the morgue.

Well, maybe lead with that, huh?

Well, maybe not for much longer.

Well, middle class. This cannot be the middle

Well, murder, but technically,

Well, my apologies. I thought you were

Well, news flash, Mister Tough and Smart Guy,

Well, nobody knows where she is, so...

Well, not, you know,

Well, now you're just being obtuse.

Well, now, technically I said your goon killed him, but...

Well, obviously, I meant after

Well, of course they're gonna say that, but trust me...

Well, okay, fine. Um, uh... (mutters)

Well, okay, then. I... (sighs)

Well, or probably after breakfast.

Well, probably not the last time, but...

Well, promise broken! (sobs)

Well, serves y'all right for being so damn stingy.

Well, serves y'all right for being so damn stingy.

Well, she isn't just some chippie.

Well, somebody likes to chew his cabbage twice...

Well, technically, I suppose the drunken abortionist did.

Well, thanks a lot, T man!

Well, that's my whole point.

Well, then, go find him.

Well, then, I don't know what to say.

Well, then, I guess I'll be on my way.

Well, then, I guess I'll wake you up in about 11 hours.

Well, then, I shall thank you to mind your tone.

Well, then, let me out! Stop the car!

Well, then, seeing as how that's the case,

Well, then, that's where we're going.

Well, then, you're in the minority.

Well, then...

Well, too bad, because... Because you're getting it,

Well, too bad.

Well, too bad. I... I mean, an envelope

Well, uh, probably about 30 degrees.

Well, um, it's a surprise.

Well, we're not gonna find any clues to lead us

Well, whaaa...

Well, what does one do with a twenty dollar bill?

Well, what the hell am I supposed to do

Well, why is there hot sauce on it?

Well, yeah, so you just piss in it.

Well, yeah. I mean, of course I.. Hey! Yeah.

Well, yes, but that was..

Well, yes, of course.

Well, you better just kill me.

Well, you better not have been snooping on me, mister.

Well, you know, mainly in the sense

Well, you say that...

Well, you'll be in hot water if you try to sneak off

Well, you're out of luck.

Well?

Well?

Well? I think I own one.

Well? Are we doing this or what?

Well. Looks like we've got ourselves a Mexican standoff.

Well... Yeah.

Well... and I'm not paying you any extra.

Well... Or is it?

Well... which means one of you is lying

Went about as well as could reasonably be expected.

Were a little more, um...

Were extremely clear on that point.

Were you gonna say "anus"?

Wh What the hell is happening?

Wh what...

Wh... Get him!

Wh... I don't know, racist.

Wh... no, you ass.

Wh... what?

Wh...? Not at me, you idiot! At her!

Wha..

Wha...

Wha... I'm not paying 26 bucks

Wha... It's been, like, a half an hour.

Wha... no! Jesus!

Wha... rude! Bernice is waiting.

Wha... well, give it here, shitbeard.

Wha... what's... what...

Wha...?

Whaaat?

What am I supposed to do with them?

What are you gonna do for money?

What are you talking about?

What could possibly

What did you call her?

What do you mean, a robot?

What do you think about our chances of getting out of here?

What do you think? Honestly?

What do you... I mean, including the bag,

What else, what else? Oh, I brought you some heroin.

What happened to your face? I...

What has to be done here,

What I do know is all the refunds I gave

What if I just gave you back the money?

What if I made it worth your while?

What if I told you I could get you guys outta here,

What in Christ foo Yung

What in god's name are you doing?

What in the hell is she doing?

What is insulting is that you've kept me waiting for ten hours

What is it with you people and reefer?

What is it, national hot dog day? No.

What is she talking about?

What is taking so long?

What is that smell? What is what smell?

What is this even supposed to be?

What is wrong with you?

What is your... ow!

What it is you think you're doing?

What kind of... wait. Oh, no.

What that idiot's scribbling over there,

What the hell are these for?

What the hell are we doing down here?

What the hell are you doing here?

What the hell are you looking at?

What the hell does that mean?

What the hell is cuy? Roasted Guinea pig.

What the hell is going on here?

What the hell? Who brings a hooker?

What the...

What the...

What the...

What the... are you...

What the... Hello?

What the... Holy shit!

What the... No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What the... oh, come on.

What the... Oh, for the love of cocks!

What the...? Whatever this is we don't have time for it!

What was that?

What we were fighting for over there, but...

What what is that?

What who tells me?

What would you say if I offered you a drink?

What would you say if I offered you a job?

What you did after the payoff.

What, Archer hammering your wife? Yes!

What, are you hourly? Pfft!

What, I should be calm when you tell me

What, like some drag club?

What, no! I didn't...

What, you don't want Figgis

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Former! I guess. I don't know.

What? What

What? ...The shit?

What? At the club, I said, "umm,"

What? But feel free to hike the five miles

What? Cecil?

What? For a leak. Potatoes, an egg...

What? How could you let that happen?

What? I don't know. Maybe you can sell 'em or whatever.

What? I meant months!

What? I told you we were being followed.

What? I... I don't know. No reason.

What? It's clearly a mushroom.

What? No I don't. I...

What? No, but...

What? No, I...

What? No, no, that's not what I...

What? No. That's, um, hot sauce.

What? That's what the Nazis said!

What? We're not being followed.

What? What do you want?

What? Who told you that?

What? Who would go to all that trouble?

What? Whoa!

What? You're the one who crushed his goddamn ankles!

What... what is happening right now?

What... you... yes! Why?

What's happening, gang?

What's this? Why have we stopped?

What's your long term plan?

What's your story, lady? Who are you?

Whatever! He doesn't have a heart!

Whatever. Now is not the time.

Whatever. You paid for an hour.

When a person evacuates,

When he finds out you walked off with his million dollar payday?

When he wakes up.

When I gut shot him and left him for dead.

When I was a little girl, we used to...

When I yank your P.I. License.

When you hear what I've got for you.

When you stuck a gun in his ribs.

Where he gathers everybody in the parlor

Where other Chinese people already work.

Where the hell am I supposed to find a finger?

Where the hell did you get that?

Where the story revolves around merkins,

Where's my tough guy?

Whereas your theory is fireworks.

Whether you want it or not.

Whew. What else?

Which I actually should really... I meant without the police.

Which I think is why I'm so angry.

Which I wish I could buy it so I could burn it to the ground.

Which is barely enough to buy an extremely nice umbrella.

Which is now. Let's go.

Which is the core concept of economics.

Which is why, you idiot, he's trying

Which is...

Which means we need to do a little... housekeeping.

Which one's the native habitat of the spectacled bear?

Which we've never talked about, but... ow!

Which, by the way, makes one of us!

Which, by the way, was a gift,

Which, clearly, sarcastic.

Which, honestly, was kinda shitty of you.

While those assholes were taking my load!

White slavery's just as racist. What?

White, female, mid 30s, fresh,

White? Divorced? Cop?

Who are you, collective pseudonym Carolyn Keene?

Who asked me to deliver the message.

Who gains?

Who has a lot longer to live.

Who is that?

Who isn't?

Who keeps this much rope in their trunk?

Who killed my partner. With which, perhaps, I can help you.

Who knows a guy who knows a...

Who knows? Maybe a handsome

Who knows? Maybe some poor dumb bastard broke in here

Who knows? They got their own calendar.

Who left the door open on purpose

Who puts relish in it!

Who says you get to decide who gets the money?

Who stole from me...

Who the hell is this?

Who was born with some kind of little bitch of a birth defect,

Who?

Who... Who did this to you?

Who's for cuy?

Who's there? Interrupting cow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Archer!

Whoa! Nice!

Whoa.

Whoa. I...

Whoever puked in my cell,

Whoever, or whoevers, broke into your office

Whom I'm sure she's boring senseless

Whoo!

Whose family couldn't care less she's gone.

Whose hobby is dissolving people in acid?

Why did he... Wait a minute.

Why did someone murder your partner?

Why didn't you just write it?

Why do I think the glove compartment

Why do you constantly bring that up?

Why do you know what burnt pubes smell like?

Why do you think it's called the "potato compartment"?

Why do you think my father started

Why I'm not rolling around in a million dollars

Why is there blood on the barrel?

Why not?

Why on earth would he do that? What? No, not the killer, my...

Why on earth would you do that?

Why should you possibly drive? Why should you drive?

Why why why are you sorry?

Why why... why do you think that? Did she...

Why would I lie?

Why would I want to rent a mule?

Why ya throwin' me under the bus?

Why you'd want to fake your own death...

Why, is he sick?

Why, Mr. Archer.

Why, the very idea...

Why? Stop it!

Why? To... oh, never mind.

Why? Wh... to pay back Trexler.

Why? You said you wanted her finger,

Why... I was gonna say "flap hammered."

Why're you asking me?

Will somebody... Archer, shoot him!

Will you come on?

Will you get in position?!

Will you get the hell off me? I should drive!

Will you hurry up?

Will you quit jamming my ass with that thing?

Will you shut up? Gladly.

Will you stop illustrating my point?

With a $10,000 bill?

With a bunch of stupid English wires.

With a case of lead poisoning, just like his partner.

With a couple of hairs stuck in it.

With a halberd.

With a hundred sammies would've been so much easier.

With cartons of them on your way up the gangplank.

With complicated instructions

With hands that can crush steel...

With her constant raving about incest.

With limited oxygen and send my family cryptic notes

With my shoes and feet and face.

With nine fingers.

With one oak leaf and "V" device.

With pleasure.

With the money in his belly.

With their big bushy birds on fire,

With Trexler's missing whores.

With which... hang on. Wait, really?

With your service weapon,

Within, say, the last 12 hours.

Without the who now?

Wonder what they were after.

Woodhouse, the dope fiend detective.

Woooo! Yeah!

Woooooo!

Woooooo!!

Woooooooo!

Woooooooo!

Would I take your penis in my hand? My mouth?

Would rather see his daughter gradually...

Wouldn't wanna be that broad, would ya?

Wow, you're a regular monsieur...

Wow! I would not have guessed that.

Wow. And you must be an old gypsy woman.

Wow. Fancy meeting you here, huh?

Wow. Good policin'.

Wow. Goosebumps.

Wow. Right?

Wow. Well, I'm sold.

Wuzza... what the... Archer?

Ya know?

Ya like that? Archer?

Ya limp dick gumshoe son of a bitch!

Yeah, and it woulda served you right! How?

Yeah, and wouldn't that be convenient?

Yeah, climbing up to their mountaintop **** shed.

Yeah, definitely a little too smooth, because...

Yeah, good advice.

Yeah, I could.

Yeah, I guess it does, kind of.

Yeah, I'm getting in the truck

Yeah, it's me, trixie.

Yeah, just like that! Good instincts!

Yeah, laugh it up... laughers!

Yeah, maybe after he's done

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, mixed with some Dexedrine.

Yeah, not feeling great.

Yeah, or having my time wasted.

Yeah, Ray. What are we in here for?

Yeah, right?

Yeah, right? I'm a monster!

Yeah, senior year, I was voted class flirt.

Yeah, she doesn't have the money.

Yeah, so about that...

Yeah, so come on, Doc, fill 'er up.

Yeah, so listen, um...

Yeah, so, i was just callin'

Yeah, so... but wouldn't it be yellow slavery?

Yeah, speaking of, uh...

Yeah, that makes more sense.

Yeah, that prick Archer said

Yeah, that's kind of my whole point.

Yeah, there is.

Yeah, was. And why are we going up?

Yeah, we'll see about that.

Yeah, well, I would've hightailed it too.

Yeah, what do we got going on here?

Yeah, why?

Yeah, woodhouse. He...

Yeah, yeah, keep on bitching,

Yeah, you don't need me

Yeah, you really threw a monkey wrench into Figgis' plan.

Yeah, you're a good girl.

Yeah, you're a regular Granville sharp.

Yeah, you're just a widdle whore

Yeah!

Yeah! And why do you think that is?

Yeah! That's what I thought!

Yeah? And we'll see how you like it

Yeah? Everybody having fun?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. "Oh, shit."

Yeah. Apparently, he was fine for a while,

Yeah. Can't have anything nice.

Yeah. Did the doctor...?

Yeah. He was not great with money.

Yeah. He... how'd you know that?

Yeah. I mean, you're handcuffed to a pipe, so obviously.

Yeah. It's a piece of piss.

Yeah. Shut up.

Yeah. So, uh, okay.

Yeah. That oughta do it.

Yeah. The little limey dope fiend.

Yeah. Then we'd have to find a dead dwarf

Yeah. There's no telling where she is.

Yeah. They're... Wait. Why?

Yeah. Um, obviously.

Yeah. You say that...

Yep!

Yep. He died of Syphilis.

Yep. Patrolman Robert w. Stewart.

Yep. Which means we can just tell him

Yes,

Yes, delicious.

Yes, even Charlotte isn't stupid enough

Yes, hello. This is, uh...

Yes, hurray, and now can you drive us all

Yes, I could!

Yes, I think a finger should suffice

Yes, I thought about that,

Yes, it does, other Dutch. Yes, it does.

Yes, it's a firm firm! Wait. Why?

Yes, it's right here, as per your demand...

Yes, Vandertunt castle, please.

Yes, you do! That was the cutest thing!

Yes! Because I've been awake for, like, three days.

Yes! She's dead! Forever and ever!

Yes! With metal bones! Motor oil for blood!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. And?

Yes. Good bye.

Yes. I believe that was the point.

Yes. I'm afraid I require... a finger.

Yes. It is.

Yes. Poovey!

Yes. What?

Yikes! Ah haa!

You actually have Charlotte.

You are so lucky I don't have a silencer.

You be a good girl. Who's a good girl?

You better kill me.

You better pray to god it wasn't you who hit me,

You can claim the body at the morgue.

You can sleep when you're dead. It may literally come to that.

You can use your power for the good of all mankind!

You can't leave a building through the sub basement.

You could make them tell you why.

You could use it for an umbrella stand.

You cut a finger off one of my cadavers... which, ew.

You did that! You did that when you stuffed her in the trunk

You do you not see the phone to my ear?

You don't have to be a killer!

You don't have to. I already did.

You got any leads? What do you think happened?

You got her in that shitty jail?

You got it? Mawp. Mawp.

You got one week, Figgis. Or else.

You gotta get me outta here! You saw him, he's invincible!

You guys saved our asses at the bulge.

You have the right to remain silent!

You idiot! Ow! Stop it!

You just might get it.

You know how pissed off Figgis is gonna be

You know the definition of insanity?

You know you're killing me, right?

You know, like she's calling

You know, normal bartendery stuff.

You know, not counting her thumbs.

You know, you say that with the confidence of a man

You know. "Don't shoot," "I surrender,"

You lie down with dogs, you wake up with fl...

You little rat fu..

You look like a Rodeo Clown.

You look like you should be policing a cornfield.

You look like...

You lost me.

You make being kidnapped just awful.

You misunderstand me, Mr. Archer.

You most certainly are not.

You need to go rustle up a dime and call Robert goddamn Ripley.

You or that son of a bitch Len Trexler.

You put the "F" in "4 F." You know...

You said your partner's name was Woodhouse?

You say it's her finger, I take you at your word.

You should go sleep in a real bed.

You team of oxen, and...

You tell me it's not what it looks like?

You used to sell to this guy.

You were saying? Uh, never mind!

You were supposed to find Charlotte Vandertunt.

You will die.

You won't have to worry about it,

You, uh, sure you don't need me to, uh, check your oil?

You!

You! You turned me into a freak!

You! You're the definition! You!

You... Rrrnnnngh!

You'd prefer I drove over your head, not your ankles.

You'd prefer I drove over your head, not your ankles.

You'll be happy to know we recovered the ransom money.

You'll get a turn, man

You'll keep your damn piehole shut!

You're (bleep) weird.

You're a miracle! You didn't even have feet!

You're about as helpful as tits on a...

You're damn right you will... to the bobbies!

You're doing this, end of story. I...

You're frickin' weird.

You're gonna bring her to Trexler's,

You're gonna find my whores,

You're gonna find the Vandertunt Broad,

You're gonna wanna kind of roll.

You're gonna wish I had died, because...

You're hurting me!

You're kind of an asshole.

You're lucky I don't have a pistol.

You're lucky my ear hurts.

You're making a...

You're my first n****es.

You're not a vegetarian, are you?

You're not doing your second set.

You're not planning to blindfold me

You're not some runaway kid

You're only gonna make enough for one injection at a time

You're out of ammo!

You're probably one of those assholes

You're under arrest, Dutch!

You've clearly never been to a Rodeo.

You've clearly never been to a rodeo.

You've thought this thing through.

Young Nazi scientist will take you in.

Your bartender sells heroin.

Your boss taking the payoff...

Your family tree must look like a telephone pole.

Your funeral.

Your house? Are you shitting me?

Your jerk off partner's already back there.

Your partner got in too deep on his dope bill,

Your person, or persons, possess an accent vaguely Germanic?

Your point being? I desperately need sleep?

Your theory is the truck backfired,

Your underbutler fire the housekeeper.

20, 50, and 100 dollar bills.

25 bucks a day plus expenses.

761st Tank Battalion.

"Glove compartment"? Is this some Irish bullshit?

"Ma'am"! Sorry! However you self identify!

("Pomp and Circumstance" playing) WOMAN (over P.A.): Bai Poovey.

(blows nose loudly) Peng Poovey.

(both): Ew! And it's a musical.

(both): Ew! Well, I'm sorry. I didn't invent Latin.

(breaks squeal) POOVEY: Jesus!

(breaks squeal) POOVEY: Jesus!

(car approaching) What the...

(cat meows) You don't count!

(chuckles) Certainly not clothes. Stuff it, shamus.

(cocks gun) Do you?

(cocks gun) Oh, go ahead.

(crunching) Mm. Well, or two, maybe.

(crunching) Or three.

(distant running footsteps) (all gasp)

(door creaks) Well, speak of the devil.

(gagging) Not if I have to come over there.

(gags) Palm.

(gasps) I have Dexedrine. (sighs)

(groans) (startled/impressed reactions)

(groans) How ya like that?

(groans) Lana!

(groans) Lana! What the shit, Mother?

(gunshot) Ungh! Poovey!

(inhales sharply) Goddamn it. Jiang Poovey.

(long ahem) Son of a... What?

(muffled gag) (gasps) Palm reader!

(muffled gagging continues) No, I think a pen.

(muffled gagging) Oh! Oh, he wants the check.

(muffled yelling, gagging) Paper.

(muffled yelling) Well?

(muffled) Uh huh. Damn it!

(muffled) Uh uh. Mmm... palm reader?

(muffled): Uh huh. Damn it.

(muffled): Uh huh. Good. Because you have mine.

(raspy voice): Yes. Well, isn't that convenient?

(reactions to Dutch's being here) Are you kidding me?

(screams) (dogs snarling)

(short, startled reactions) And the next person who talks...

(spooky voice): And taboo! Jesus Christ!

(squealing laughter) (muffled gagging)

(squelching footstep) Oh! Son of a...

(squelching footstep) What the...

(startled yelp) I'm commandeering this vehicle!

(startled/annoyed reactions) Poovey!

(tires squealing) POOVEY: Oh, God!

(Trexler wailing) (all gasp, exclaim)

(whispers): Oh. (cocks gun)

(whistles) (groans)

(Zerk growls) (screams)

A raw egg? No.

Actually... Nobody smashes up my club!

Aha! Aha what?

Aha! Where's the money?

And I can see why you would be. Oh, yeah?

And I'd do it sooner rather than... (opens the door)

and not "kidnapping winner." (trapdoor opens)

and outside, and... TRINETTE: Naked.

And those cops you brought stole the money. What? Those finks!

And two... What the...

And why the hell are you here? That's it?

And, follow up, why do you have a gun? Uh...

Anti Catholic? ...how do you feel about cross dressing?

Are the victims already up there, or... (gunshot)

Because, you dick, she's a... Trinette!

Black pepper? No, Trinette's concussion!

Blow it off! (shushing)

Both of you! All right!

Burgled

But also... (sniffing) (cocks gun)

But but it's not what you think... Hey!

But he's actually my patient. (confused reactions)

but I am in no mood for... (cocks gun)

but J. Edna fired her. "J. Edna"?

But... "But" nothing, ya little weasel.

But... No "buts!" Except yours, in that seat!

But... You've got a "But"?

Can I please... Ray, take it easy, man.

Case in point! Rrgh?

Caw! Caw! Doesn't even work there, so...

CHARLOTTE: Seriously? (muffled gag)

Come on. POOVEY: Seriously?

Complete and total bullshit. Dress that line, boy!

Couple minutes with Mother. Knock yourself out.

Damn it, Floyd. Floyd? Wh...

Damn it, Poovey! What? Figuratively!

Damn it, Ray! That's some bullshit.

Damn, Ray! Really? Ugh!

Did you go home and change? I did, yes.

Did you hear that? Obviously.

Do you mean musicians or n****es? Pick one

doing in a joint like this? I rescued her.

Don't be a twat. Fair enough.

Drop the goddamn gun! Okay! (gunshot)

Duh. Duh.

Eats paper. By the pound. Mm hmm. God bless that mess.

Eh, you got a raw potato? Uh, no.

Even better. I feel like we're gonna run out

Ew. You don't know the half of it.

Exactly. So, you know... Oh, I get it.

Fewer. Shut up. Since Marcus Garvey died.

Figgis, you lead the way. Go. (overlapping chatter)

FIGGIS: Are you crazy? POOVEY: No. Shut up.

Figgis? Yeah. Him and Poovey, they...

Get outta here! Oh!

Gimme. Oh, and here. You should also take the codeine,

Give what a rest? Oh, my God. Look,

Go! Yes, sir!

God! Jesus Christ!

Goddamn it! Seriously.

Godddammit. What?

Grnk! Well? I'm waiting.

Grrnk... No, still nothin'.

Guard! You assholes!

Guong Poovey. (Poovey sniffles, coughs)

Hang on... I am!

Have you lost your mind? (chewing pills)

He ain't gonna help you! Grab the gimp.

Her? What about me? Will you shut up?

Hey, let's go. We'll go when your squad leader says we'll go.

history will not be kind to that man. How come?

Hmm. That was a joke.

Holy shit! That's Trexler!

How? A four.

I can explain! Yes.

I don't care what he is... He's a goddamn robot!

I don't know. If it's two consenting adults,

I don't know. What does it look like? You tell me.

I failed my induction screening. Well, obviously.

I know what it is. Did you know it's forbidden?

I mean, basically you got... (distant running footsteps)

I mean, just weird. What is?

I mean... Oops!

I promised I wouldn't cry. (sniffles) Liling Poovey.

I said, "Archer got away." Oh, that son of a...

I think we should split up. What?

I... Aha! Okay, I got it now. Sit down.

I... Wait! Take me with you.

I... no, shut up. What is this all about?

I'll say. Zip it, Missy.

I'm not an obvious prostitute! She's a T man, ya dummy.

I'm sorry, what was that? Grrnk!

I'm the Cop. Come on.

I'm, uh, not really a cop. No shit.

It it means Treasury agent... Hey!

It was a nice service. Hmm.

It's medicinal. (distant running footsteps)

It's... not what it looks like? Which is...

Jam it! No!

Keep it up, and you will. Wait. What?

Kind of. Can we...

KRIEGER: What's that? (gasps)

Krieger? I don't... Hunden! Aus!

La Lana! Archer?

Lana, you wanna... I wanna talk about the fact

Look, her brother... Ugh!

Look... No, you look!

Maybe you're afraid of commitment. So, listen.

Me and him? We just!

Me? Yes, you!

Meh. Put a ham in it, Poovey.

Meh. Well, then how about this!

Mm hmm. Well, now I feel like an asshole.

Mm kay. (squelching footstep)

Mmf mmmf! Mmf mmmf!

Moot! Wait. What?

MOTHER: Don't do that. Do what?

MOTHER: Mr. Zerk. (growl)

N no... And yet!

No, you are not. Well, I am.

Not a real thing. You wanna bet?

Not after I tell Figgis... Ow!

Nothing. (trapdoor closes)

Now sit! Oh, all right.

of the Internal Revenue Service. (laughing)

Oh, God! What is that?

Oh, I know. No, like down there down there.

Oh, my God! This place is amazing! (chuckles)

Oh, now who's a racist? Oh, for the...

Oh, shit. What?

Oh, that's good. That's good, Verl. Very believable.

Oh, well... For treatment and counseling.

Oh. Ooh. So what do you call this? No.

Okay. Here's the topiary garden.

Oof! DUTCH: Woooooo!

Ooh, gimme. Shh!

Ooh. Yeah, but I wasn't down there.

Or did he? Oh, you son of a bitch!

Or was I? TREXLER: Help!

Or you. (clears throat)

Owww! (Archer and Dutch chuckle)

Pfft, pfft! Ptuh! Pbbb! There! Happy?

Poovey, I'm giving you half. Of the money?

Poovey? Huh? Oh.

Poovey. Huh? Oh.

Really? No! Aw.

Really? Schmancy.

Rgh? Mm hmm.

Rgh. (annoyed sigh)

Rrrgh. Oh, my God.

Rrrghh! Grrghh! (dog snarling and gnashing)

Rrrghh! Grrghh! (snarling and gnashing)

Said the pot to the kettle. My ear hurt!

Seriously? Floyd: What?

Seriously? What?

Serves who right? "Whom."

She means "transvestite." I'm...

Should've shot her when I had the chance. Okay, well,

smoking reefers again... I'm sorry. By "you people," do you mean...

So freakin' weird. Hmm.

So, can we... No, no, no, no.

So... Well, the main thing is the bag, bud.

Something's not right. I'll say.

Son of a... Treasury agent?

Spud box? No!

Stay here. (lighter clicks)

Strangely illogical. Yeah.

Sue me! I got a half a mind to!

T man... Oh, hey, uh...

Tater hutch. Rrrrrgh!

That wasn't me, either! Yeah, Poovey took 'em.

That. Seriously?

That's what I was trying to tell you! When?

That's your plan? Well, it's a plan.

the saddest thing I have ever heard. Rgh?

Their what? How would that even work?

They called him that? How should I know?

They're gaining on us! Step on it!

this was gonna have a happy ending. But...

Those... I know! They're homophones!

Three, and that's it. Done. (crunching)

to frame me for killing your partner! TREXLER: (gasps)

To spy on Trexler! We're competitors! I...

TREXLER: Help! (chuckling): I... I hate to say this,

Trexler! Wh... Trexler, you dirty liar!

Uh uh! Palm... hand...

Uh uh. Palm reader!

Uh, duh. Zerp.

Uh, ever heard of Al Capone? Seriously?

Wait a minute! Are you nuts?

Wait, wait, wait, wait... Rrrraagghhh!

Wait. What? Ew!

We are. Oh.

We didn't vote on that. No, you're not.

we'll call it even. Yeah.

Well, clearly. Wha...?

Well, don't bring it back dirty. Rrgh!

Well, that, for one thing. Let's go, toots. I got places to be.

Well, that's not very Casper y. Poovey!

Well, then, who were they? I don't know!

Were you gonna say a werewolf? No.

Wh... because you do! No, I don't.

Wh...? No, you're not! Well, ya say that...

What about me? What about you?

What happened to not judging people? There's a limit.

What was that? Hold this.

What, the potato compart... No.

What? (in agreement): Mmff! Mmf mmf! Rrmmfmf!

What? (murmured reactions)

What? Absolutely not!

What? Drop the bag.

What? Goddammit! I mean..

What? Goddamn it.

What? I am not a...

What? Moot. It's my plan.

What? Pfft, pfft.

What? What do we have to do?

What? What is it?

What? What? I was asking if she's okay.

What? Why would there be toast?

What? Why?

What? No, he's my life's work! Yeah.

What? The IRS has cops? Yes!

What're you doing? Gettin' the hell outta here.

What's your badge and unit number? F Four?

Whatever fluffs your feathers. Please let me finish.

Where anything can happen to it. Oh, right.

Where is she? Downtown, booked in as a Jane Doe.

Which you wouldn't wanna do. ...all the water already leaked out.

Whoo! Are you crazy? You wanna get yourself killed?

Why not? I'm not gonna stuff

Why would I have him killed? Because he owed you money!

Why wouldn't there be? KRIEGER: Stop it!

Wow! Words fail me.

Ya sure? So very.

Yeah, what? Oh, don't play dumb, Figgis!

Yeah. Duh.

Yeah. Who the hell do you think you are?

Yeah. With my money! With my money!

Yes! (big exhale) Whew!

You took his! Well?

You, on the other hand... Wha... What about me?

You've got half a mind, period. And all the burns.

Your what? Um...

Zip it! I...

...shut up... must've brought the cops,

'Cause a finger's one thing.

'Cause I could go for a couple of fingers of old buncombe.

'Cause I'd be happy to, you know...

'cause I'm about a quart low.

'Cause that's the best you're gonna feel

'Cause we're both out of luck, friend.

'cause you screwed her tits off at the precinct cookout.

"Based on this

"but I lost it walking here,

"Can't" and "won't"

"Cui bono," you dummy.

"Good news is, she didn't get it from you..

"He"? I mean, what? Th that's impossible.

"Hitler's the tops," stuff like that. Mm hmm.

"I had a little towel,

"lock the safe, Archer, you dumb twat

"My God," Eddie says, "what's the good news?" Doctor says,

"No cops, at all, anywhere,"

"on second thought, to make this happen,

"Phil Mccracken."

"Should you be doing that?"

"The adventures of Dex and Cody."

"to make this happen, we're going to need a finger."

"Well, I've got some good news and bad news.

(a wail, followed by sobbing)

(all breathing heavily)

(angry reactions)

(angry/fearful reactions)

(Archer chuckling)

(Archer chuckling)

(assorted reactions to the fight)

(barking and growling)

(big yawn)

(breathing deeply)

(chuckles) Okay, then, I guess just pout.

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

(chuckling)

(chuckling) Again, that was Poovey.

(chuckling) From what? All these witnesses?

(chuckling) Holy shit. Glad I don't have a flashback for that.

(chuckling) Later!

(chuckling) Look at you, whining like your little buddy.

(chuckling) Man, I don't know who to root against.

(chuckling) Me? Hell, no.

(chuckling) Oh, come on. Give it a rest.

(chuckling) Okay, but we gotta

(chuckling) Well, you know what they say,

(chuckling) What's happening?

(clears throat) And do you, Cecil,

(clears throat) Mr. Vandertunt!

(clicks)

(continues in raspy voice): No. Actually, it's extremely inconvenient, because...

(coughs, normal voice) Because then I have to come back here to Frankenstein's bullshit.

(crying) You, you saved my life!

(deep sigh) All right, I'll see ya.

(dogs barking and growling)

(dogs snarling and gnashing)

(evil chuckling)

(exclaiming in disgust)

(explosion, startled reactions to the noise)

(explosive sob)

(frustrated, muffled yelling, gagging)

(gasping)

(gasps) Are you seeing tracers yet?

(gasps) I just adore parlor games.

(gasps) Not unlike Frankenstein's monster!

(gasps) You think I got a concussion?

(groans)

(groans)

(groans)

(groans)

(gunshot)

(gunshot) Oh, shit!

(horrified reactions)

(horrified reactions)

(inhales sharply) Although I'm not sure which is which.

(inhales, exhales deeply)

(inhaling)

(irritated reactions)

(laughing) Doing what?

(laughing) Oh, come on!

(laughing) Statistically, you're already dead.

(laughs)

(laughs) Okay, five.

(laughs) Uh, do I look like a cop?

(laughs) You're what?

(locks clicking)

(long, weary sigh)

(low menacing growls)

(low menacing growls)

(low mumbling)

(low, contented rumbling)

(muffled gagging)

(muffled gagging)

(muffled grunt)

(muffled yelling, gagging)

(muffled): Mm kay.

(off kilter footsteps)

(overlapping chatter)

(panicked reactions)

(panting) Whoo! Hey, gang!

(quietly): Something's not right, you idiot

(quietly): Was that rhetorical?

(raspy voice): Cops...

(scared whisper) Is she...

(scream, cut short by impact sound)

(screams)

(sighs) Before this is over,

(sighs) Can't have anything nice.

(sighs) FBI? Literally, maybe five n**** agents.

(sighs) I mean...

(sighs) Okay, but before that,

(sighs) Okay. Trinette, come with me. You stay here.

(sighs) Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.

(sighs) Why are you here, Mr. Vandertunt?

(snickers) Oh, please! With your luck?

(sniffing) Is that...

(sniffing) marijuana?

(sniffs) Achtung! Hunden! Aus! Aus!

(sobbing continues)

(sobbing): Oh, please, help me.

(speaks German)

(spooky voice): Only some of which are sinister.

(spooky voice): that only I would know!

(startled yelp) Archer, shoot them!

(startled yips)

(tense/wary reactions)

(terrified whimper/sob)

(through sock): Mm mmmf! Mmf mmfff mmf!

(thud)

(tiny whispered terrified reactions)

(Trexler sobbing)

(weary sigh)

(weary sigh) Goddammit.

(weary sigh) Well, I already threw a chair, so...

(wheezy coughing)

[ meow ]

*ARCHER* Season 08 Episode 03 "Archer Dreamland: Jane Doe"

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