How I Met Your Mother - Season 1 Edit

A clichÈ is a clichÈ for a reason. It's comforting.

A date tonight?

A little bit more serious than I am.

A simple "no" would have sufficed.

A week? That's like a year in hot girl time.

Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.

Actually, that is a perfect metaphor.

Admit it, you're having fun.

Again on my birthday!

All I wanted was to have a regular beer at my regular bar,

All right, but under one condition.

All right, I think we need to refine our back story first.

All right, I'll be right there.

All right, man, tell her the truth. She's gonna cry.

All right, Scherbatsky, new challenge.

All right, so what's this legendary plan?

All right, we threw two parties, everybody had fun,

All right.

All thanks to your Uncle Barney,

All you have to do is get up there on the news and do one of these.

Amanda? Oh, Denise, sorry. You totally sounded like Amanda.

An Introduction to Contract, Tort and Restitution Statutes

An occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic

And a PowerBar.

And abandoning them to purchase a last minute flight with cash.

And all in the pursuit of a stuffed, purple giraffe.

And by God, we licked the Liberty Bell,

And don't you dare get on that subsequent escalator!

And for him it's death.

And great TV was had by all.

And her birthday might have been coming up.

And I am a rut buster. I'm going to bust your rut.

And I am going to help you find her.

And I casually return to my conversation,

And I hope you're not lactose intolerant,

And I just couldn't do either of those things.

And I just haven't met a lot of good people so far.

And I suppose you're suddenly ready to get married and settle down?

And I'm saving the best for last.

And I'm, like, "Come on, let me have you, you pansy."

And if we go out together, I'd feel like

And if you don't believe me, call him.

And it got me thinking, maybe I should get married,

And it's in my hair!

And it's off.

And living in New York with Marshall, my best friend from college,

And Marshall.

And now it's time we play a little game I like to call,

And now she has three beautiful children,

And now we can just laugh about it.

And Restitution Statutes from 1865 to 1923?

And right now there's a million women in New York looking for exactly you.

And say this.

And see how many fish I could catch.

And sent her walking.

And she's gonna cry.

And she's just dying to meet you, by the way.

And still haven't promoted you.

And tell her that she's awesome.

And tell your grandpa I'm sorry I walked in on him in the bathroom.

And that was it. I'll probably never see her again.

And that was when I realized why I hung out with Barney,

And that's how it ended with Natalie,

And then I saw Robin, She was incredible,

And then I say,

And then in '72,

And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up,

And then you're engaged, you pop the champagne, you drink a toast,

And then, very casually,

And there she was,

And there's no good way to say it.

And this one's big, but so is the cash reward.

And walking her five hypothetical dogs.

And we can't just abandon Ted.

And we followed some here to Philadelphia.

And we're heading back on the next flight.

And you sure you're okay giving up your Friday night

And you're looking at me with that look and it's like...

And, BTW, we'd be out of here by now if you'd have tucked in your shirt.

And, hey, a little green salad on the side is good for you, me, and Mr. McGee.

And, just like that, all those wonderful memories were replaced

And, just like that, it all came back,

And, right then, Aunt Robin realized how important her job truly was,

And, so, for two more hundy sticks, baby's gonna look in the camera

Any goon so much as looks at you, I'll sock him in the kisser!

Are all hoping to catch what you've already got.

Are you in pajamas or au natural?

Are you okay?

Are you sure that's a good idea after last time.

Are you trying to get me drunk?

Are, like, six billion to one.

Aren't they cute?

As a friend, you know.

As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my mind,

As your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you that's freaking crazy.

As your sponsor, I will not let you relapse.

At every New York party there's always a girl

At least it's better than "booger."

At least, it was a great party.

At least, let me buy you a beer. Come on, I'll buy everyone a beer.

At which point the man came down off the ledge,

Attaboy. Now let's go talk to those girls.

Aunt Robin?

Awesome.

Baby, no.

Baby's gonna think about it.

Back at the bar, girls'night out wasn't going as Robin had hoped,

Back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke,

Band, no DJ.

Barney, I don't think so.

Barney, I'm going to the airport. Sascha, thank you.

BARNEY; That foxy young thing you were chatting up?

Barney?

Barney's offered me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.

Because he's getting laid.

Because none of this would have happened

Because that, kids, is the true story

Because you're my best friend, all right?

Been waiting my whole life for a pretty girl to want my olives.

Beep. Dumped. Click. Done.

Before long, I'm that weird middle aged bachelor

Before you say anything, I just wanna say I really like working here at Metro News 1.

Being a good kisser.

Believe it or not, that duffle bag thing worked.

Belle and Sebastian, All of it,

Bigger, like, "Gorilla with an upright bass?"

Bip, bip, bip, bip. Target acquired!

Bong.

Bong.

Boogedy boo! And that's all of them.

Booger.

Both of their boyfriends are linebackers.

Boundaries.

Breast implants.

But after just one date I was in love with her,

But back when the stand first opened in 1955,

But I understand.

But I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.

But I'm not feeling that thing.

But if I was, it's like, "Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?"

But isn't it nice to know people are watching?

But it turns out,

But may I suggest one little modification?

But most of the time, it ends up being this much fun.

But now it's like my tastes have changed.

But only one of your stories can end that way.

But Robin ain't one of them.

But that's part of my charm.

But that's the funny thing about destiny, it happens whether you plan it or not,

But the most exciting moment,

But then one night...

But they finally got that kid out of the crane machine.

But this reporter takes pride in...

But this was no ordinary girl,

But we could.

But we got out, Dana let us in,

But we're on an adventure.

But we've got a plane to catch.

But when I think of spending the rest of my life with Lily,

But you don't get there unless you play the game.

But you like olives.

But you really brought your game up to a whole new level.

But you're awesome,

But you're awesome.

But you're awesome. Okay, bye bye.

But you're too scared to do anything about it.

But, see, at least tonight, I get to sleep knowing Marshall and me,

But, still, 25 pages in one night, B minus? The kid was good,

But, wait, it's only the break of 10:30. What happened?

But, yeah, it's tonight. The party's tonight.

But, yeah, that was the signal.

But, you know, bad as that night was, within a year Natalie was married,

But, you know, whatever.

But, you know, whatever.

By the way, did I congratulate you two?

By the way, you should've kissed her.

By this one,

Bye.

Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters?

Can you believe this guy? I got a paper to write.

Can't remember the last time I saw an international businessman

Carl, thank you. There's something I gotta do.

Carl, you guys weren't there.

Carlos was right about you.

Casual.

City Hall? Oh, my God.

Click.

Come in. All right, get back to me then.

Come on up.

Come on, baby, bring it home.

Come on, I got that roof reserved.

Come on, man, you said your stomach's been hurting, right?

Come on, no purple tuba?

Come on, you're covering it.

Come on. Just a cup of coffee.

Come on. We always go to MacLaren's.

Committing forever, no other women,

Compliments of that guy.

Consistently.

Convincing you to put the bags on the carousel. Your move.

Could you avoid the word "psycho"?

Could've licked the Liberty Bell.

Couldn't play the game like everyone else.

Couple of girls fly into town looking for a fun weekend in NYC

Course, now a big commitment doesn't seem so bad.

Crazy adventure.

Cute kid.

Damn it, why did Marshall have to get engaged?

Damn it!

De... Wait for it... nied.

Denied.

Desperate, please don't leave me sex is amazing.

Did you guys get high?

Did you hear that, Ted? Dana works security at the Liberty Bell.

Did you know there's a Pop Tart under your fridge?

Dish of olives. You had some. What up?

Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?

Do you see where I'm going, huh, with this?

Do you want these? I hate olives.

Doesn't scare me at all.

Doggie style.

Don't come to Philly,

Don't even think about getting married till you're 30.

Don't even think about it until you're 30.

Don't ever take that ring off again, no matter how awesome I say that it is.

Don't get married.

Don't know what happened to him. Just kept driving.

Don't let them pull any Patriot Act voodoo. You both retain the right

Don't say legendary, okay?

Don't say you're gonna kill someone in front of airport security.

Don't you bet I get that a lot?

Don't you get on that escalator!

Dude, are you kidding? It's you and Lily.

Dude, seriously, relax.

Dude, what's Krav Maga?

Even if I was ready, which I'm not,

Even the dumbest single person alive.

Everybody brings flowers.

Everybody Wang ed, everybody Chung ed.

Everyone, everyone, if I may direct your attention to the television.

Exactly.

Exactly. The guy doesn't even own a suit.

Exactly. You wouldn't take it personally if you lost the lottery.

Excuse me. Anyone know a Carlos?

Excuse me. Pardon me, just a sec.

Fall in love, get married, blah, blah, blah. But, on the other hand,

Fantastic!

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. We'll go lick the Liberty Bell.

First the shirt, now bourbon.

First, we gotta pick someone up at the airport.

For $1,000... You heard me.

For a girl I was just about to break up with.

For Metro News 1, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

For starters.

For your information, my boss is about to bump me up

Found it. I found Natalie's number.

Freedom.

Friendship over!

Friendship over.

From 1865 to 1923

From some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.

Game on!

Genius. That's one I owe you.

Get French Onion!

Get in that hoopty ass Fiero of yours and come meet us in Philly.

Get in the cab. Marshall, you, too.

Get those olives

Girls don't ordinarily like that,

Give me another chance.

Giving this bizarre story a happy ending,

Go ahead, JFK. What is the baggage status?

Go, go, go!

Going to Philly!

Good one. Okay, fine.

Good, 'cause we're here.

Goodbye.

Goodnight, psycho.

Goodnight, Ted.

Gosh, you are unbelievable, Marshall.

Got to second base with me.

Great.

Great. See you tonight.

Great. What am I gonna do when Robin shows up?

Guys are like the subway.

Guys, trust me. I've seen the signal.

Guys.

Happy birthday, three years ago.

Has anybody seen An Introduction to Contract, Tort

Has climbed inside a Grab A Prize machine and gotten stuck.

Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?

He comes on a little strong.

He got a B minus,

He hates olives, she loves them. And in a weird way,

He was in there a long time and little kids have small bladders.

He wasn't ready for a commitment.

He's all, like, "Oh, honey, did that hurt?"

He's in.

Hell, I told her she could take the ring off.

Hello, Barney.

Help.

Henry, as New York's oldest hansom cab driver,

Her smile,

Hey, ain't no thing, but a chicken wing, mamacita,

Hey, Barney, see that girl?

Hey, do you wanna go get coffee and have an actual conversation?

Hey, don't you have a paper to write?

Hey, guess where I am? I'm on a... Ready? Plane to... Ready? Philadelphia.

Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you leave a message?

Hey, I got the club soda. Let's see that booty.

Hey, I'm just sitting here wearing my ring.

Hey, I'm over here.

Hey, is it cold in here? 'Cause I can kind of see Robin's nickels.

Hey, law books. Ready for a little 15 minute recess?

Hey, listen, I need your opinion on something.

Hey, loser, how's not playing Lazer Tag? Because playing Lazer Tag is awesome.

Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half Asian girls?

Hey, Ted, nice shirt. Is it yesterday already?

Hey, Ted, you know what always picks me up when I'm down?

Hey, what's taking so long?

Hey, where the hell is my...

Hey, yeah,

Hey, you wanna do something tonight?

Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Barney.

Hi, have you met Ted?

Hi, have you met Ted?

Hi, have you met Ted?

Hi, I'm Ted.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. Hi, Robin.

Hit it, Ranjit.

Hit me? Please.

Hold on, I have another call.

Hold up. There are only two reasons to ever date a girl you've already dated.

How about, "It's not you. It's me"?

How do you not...

How does Carl land a Lebanese girl?

How long have you been sitting there?

How, in all this mess, is a guy supposed to find the love of his life?

Huh?

Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives.

I am calling her. This is crazy. I haven't talked to her in, like, three years.

I am so turned on right now.

I asked her about it years later, and, yeah, that was the signal,

I ate like four whole cans of dip.

I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell.

I can handle this.

I can still win this. It's not over.

I can trust again.

I can't ask her out, because if I ask her out I'm asking her out.

I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that?

I can't believe you're still not wearing a suit.

I could have sworn I hated bourbon.

I could take them off your hands.

I could've kissed her,

I dare say it would be... What's the word?

I demand you release us immediately.

I didn't ask.

I didn't, I swear.

I died 15 years ago, like that pick up line.

I do okay.

I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

I don't get it, man. Natalie's awesome.

I don't know any Carlos.

I don't know why I was so scared of this.

I don't know, Robin.

I don't know, Ted. I mean, we barely know each other

I don't know. It was here when we sat down.

I don't know. Maybe her. Or her.

I don't think so.

I don't think you're the one for me.

I don't wanna waste your time, because I really like you.

I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever.

I figured, you know, since it didn't work out between us

I get her up to the roof and the roof takes care of the rest.

I got it. I don't ask her out.

I got stuck at work again. I feel like I live there.

I gotta do something.

I gotta do what that guy couldn't. I gotta take the leap.

I gotta get back to work.

I gotta get one of those blue French horns for over my fireplace.

I guess I just wanted to throw this net back into the ocean

I guess I'm not used to it yet.

I guess I've been saying "next Friday" all week.

I guess it's just, your best friend gets engaged,

I guess that's one drawback to being engaged.

I guess there is no good way.

I guess there's no chance your two dayer turned into a three dayer?

I had a really great time tonight.

I had no idea how Barney redirected the cab without me knowing,

I had no idea why I hung out with Barney,

I have a 25 page paper on constitutional law due Monday.

I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.

I have never licked it.

I have no idea. Some kind of yoga?

I have this line that I use when guys come up... Check it out.

I have to break up with her.

I have to do this face to face. I just... I don't know what I'm gonna say.

I haven't been single since high school.

I invite her to our party next Friday.

I just came over to let you know that you sat on a g****.

I just couldn't imagine settling down right now.

I just got to bump into her somewhere.

I just have this feeling she's the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.

I just knew I had to meet her, That's where your Uncle Barney came in,

I just wasn't looking for a big commitment at the time.

I just wrapped up a live newscast by honking my own boobs.

I knew this girl in college, she had this Golden Retriever...

I know the feeling. Once, when I was 16,

I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?

I know. I hate this.

I know. She's terrific, but I have to break up with her.

I love a Scotch that's old enough to order its own Scotch.

I love dip. No, I don't love dip. I like dip.

I made such a jackass of myself here,

I mean, he's sweet, he's charming, he's just looking for something

I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again,

I mean, I'd made a complete fool of myself,

I mean, look, sure, yes, I wanna

I mean, maybe, New York is just too big a town.

I mean, the most I can handle right now is something casual.

I mean, there's millions of people in this city.

I mean, where do you even begin?

I mean, where is she, Ted, huh? Where's Robin?

I mean, you know, guys see the ring, it's, like, Marshall parking only.

I need a plan.

I need you to cover a story. It's down at City Hall.

I never do anything crazy.

I never got where I thought I wanted to go, but I always got a great story,

I never thought I'd have my story told,

I only came down here 'cause you wouldn't take my call.

I promised Ted we wouldn't do that.

I promised you these.

I really thought I was doing it the good way this time.

I said "nipple" on the news.

I said "nipple" on the news. That was so unprofessional.

I said, "Sure, I hate olives."

I say, like I don't really care but it's a nice surprise,

I see what this is about.

I should've kissed her.

I spent 27 years making up my mind about things, right?

I suggest we play a little game I like to call, "Have you met Ted?"

I think Chris is gonna propose this weekend.

I think I like your new French horn.

I think I like your nose.

I think I like your Olive Theory.

I think I'd make a damn good husband because that's the stuff I'd be good at.

I think I'm in love with you.

I think I'm in love with you.

I think you'll find I'm full of surprises tonight.

I thought this was how you met Mom.

I thought we were playing Lazer Tag tomorrow night.

I threw these parties because I wanted to see you.

I understand you're hurt, but you don't have to be cruel.

I wanna break up.

I wanna do right by you, and I think the best way for me to do that

I wanna drink a toast with my fiancÈe.

I want our first kiss to be amazing.

I wanted to skip to the end and do the whole happily ever after thing,

I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect

I was briefly in love with the abstract concept of getting married.

I was driving and I hit this hitchhiker.

I was just hoping to

I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming,

I was just...

I was trying to think, what's the quickest way

I wasn't in love with her, okay?

I wish I could. I think Lily and I are just gonna...

I wish your party was tonight.

I wonder if she even remembers me.

I'd either have to marry you or break your heart

I'd like that.

I'd prefer "eccentric."

I'll get some club soda for that stain.

I'll help carry.

I'll see you, Ted.

I'll tell you something, though. If a woman,

I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

I'm always waiting for the moment, planning the moment.

I'm bleeding internally.

I'm calling up your Uncle Barney,

I'm done being single. I'm not good at it.

I'm engaged. You know, I'm sorry. I took my ring off.

I'm exhausted.

I'm gonna be a mushroom cloud of casual.

I'm gonna get.

I'm gonna go cook.

I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna write a 25 page paper,

I'm gonna go kiss her.

I'm gonna hand it in and I'm gonna get a "A."

I'm gonna knock back this beer, I'm gonna knock back one more beer,

I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom.

I'm gonna spin that as good.

I'm gonna wait until she goes to the bathroom,

I'm just assuming.

I'm just gonna leave this sock monkey here.

I'm just talking to guys' backs while they hit on Robin.

I'm just, like, super busy right now,

I'm just, like, super busy right now.

I'm losing interest in your story.

I'm marrying that girl.

I'm not gonna force sports on them unless they're interested.

I'm not gonna take off my ring.

I'm not ready to settle down.

I'm not scared.

I'm not sure I like her.

I'm not that afraid to fight you!

I'm not the one for you!

I'm reporting from the Razzle Dazzle Supermarket

I'm so glad we finally get to hang out,

I'm so happy for Marshall, I really am.

I'm so sorry. Take us to the hospital.

I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.

I'm sorry, Lily.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I just... I thought the mature thing to do would be...

I'm your best friend!

I've barely started.

I've been there for all the big moments of you and Lily.

I've got five dogs.

I've got five dogs.

I've had this shirt for, like, six years. Until this morning, I wasn't into it at all,

If by coffee you mean cheesecake, then yes.

If it doesn't go well up there, he's gonna need some support.

If it hadn't have been for that shirt,

If someone were to pull that off,

If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too.

If you wanna go home, then we'll go home.

If you wanna go lick the Liberty Bell, just go lick it yourself.

In addition, we received this footage, taken over the last few months.

In your past 60 years on the job, what is your most exciting memory?

Ineffable. Good word.

Is it weird they invited both of us?

Is just to be honest. I'm sorry.

Is not a coaster!

Is that all you're taking away from this story?

Is there an un terrible way to break up with somebody? No.

Isn't that great?

It did indeed. The party continues tonight.

It doesn't matter. I already told her I am ready for a commitment so...

It had absolutely nothing to do with Robin.

It is on till the break of dawn.

It is.

It is. The party's tonight.

It seemed like happily ever after wasn't far off,

It should be the plan, I mean, look at her, Ted, look at her,

It was finger painting day at school and a 5 year old boy

It was like something from an old movie

It was way back in 2005,

It's a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by the Israeli army,

It's a great look, but you're looking at the wrong girl.

It's a Smurf penis or no dice.

It's an honor to tell your story, Henry,

It's been, like, 20 minutes. Do you think they're doing it?

It's gonna be legend... Wait for it,

It's gonna be legendary!

It's gotta be blue, it's gotta be French.

It's ineffable.

It's just... Marshall and I have been together for nine years.

It's like you lost the lottery.

It's my birthday, and you're telling me I'm not the one for you?

It's not a clichÈ. It's a classic.

It's not a rut, okay? It's a routine and I like it.

It's okay.

It's physics, Marshall.

It's pretty easy, right?

It's really not such a big deal. I mean, it's the odds.

It's Robin.

It's the Stairway to Heaven of break up lines.

It's time to unclick.

It's very, very sweet of you to come over and talk to me, but I just...

Jackass.

Japan.

Jerk!

Joel Adams wants to see you in his office.

Just back from a lucrative trip to Japan.

Just fending off the advances of that totally hot guy.

Just let it out.

Just like you can't turn off the way you feel.

Just listen.

Just once, when I say "suit up," I wish you'd put on a suit.

Just write it down for me.

Keep playing it.

Kids, every story in a man's life is like a dot

Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story.

Kids, when you're single, all you're looking for is happily ever after,

Kind of don't wanna wear my shirt anymore.

Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong.

Krav Maga. How cool is it that she does Krav Maga?

Lame or casual?

Laura. Look, I'm really sorry that we have to hit and run,

Lebanese girls are the new half Asians.

Lesson one, lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.

Lesson three,

Let me guess. Ted.

Let's see.

Let's think. Ted's greatest hits.

Lily asked if she could have my olives.

Lily had been, well, extra affectionate,

Lily recognized me from the news...

Lily, all these girls here tonight

Lily, I like olives.

Lily, I thought tonight was about us hanging out?

Lily, please! The shirt! I know! It was a mistake.

Lily, you squeaked?

Lily.

Lily.

Listen to me. You're both American citizens.

Listen,

Listen...

Look at those colors. Green and brown, together at last.

Look at you, you beautiful bastard, you suited up.

Look who I ran into.

Look, airport bar. Flight attendants.

Look, I don't need you to teach me how to live, okay? I know how to live.

Look, I know it sounds insincere when people say that

Look, I'm sorry. I only moved here in April, and I'm always working.

Look, look, I was an idiot, leaving that message.

Look, Natalie, I was just a stupid kid back then, terrified of commitment.

Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say,

Look, Natalie, there's something I have to say.

Look, obviously, you can't tell a woman you just met

Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness. Okay?

Look, this woman could actually be my future wife.

Look. This is all just... It's a misunderstanding.

Lots of guys are something, I'm something else.

MacLaren's is bore snore. Ted, tonight we're gonna go out.

MacLaren's is this much fun.

Make sure and stop by New York's oldest hot dog cart.

Man, I haven't seen her in, like, three years.

Man, I wish I could, guys...

Mark my words, you will never see that one again.

Marshall was in his second year of law school,

Marshall, don't come to Philly.

Marshall, he's gay.

Marshall, how have I always described my perfect woman?

Marshall, I'm gonna give you an early wedding present.

Marshall, remember this night.

Marshall, stop whatever you're doing,

Maybe I should call her. What do you guys think?

Maybe in a few months after it's not so fresh we could all,

Maybe it was the caffeine,

Maybe it's time to start forming some second impressions.

Maybe we should just call it a day,

Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin,

Meet us at MacLaren's. Maybe we can still make last call.

Mickey Mantle rode in my cab for the fourth time,

Mom, Dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosby.

My beautiful ring.

My colleague accidentally left the bags there.

My friends are gonna love you, like you, you know as a friend.

My God, you're getting engaged tonight.

My life was good,

My lips are always like this.

My mom throws these huge crawfish boils,

My name is Rufus and that's the Troofus.

My shirt.

Natalie, come on. I just wanna say I'm sorry.

Natalie, I had so many fond memories of her,

Natalie! Hey, happy birthday!

Natalie! Hey, happy birthday!

Never break up with a girl on her birthday!

Never gonna happen. You should've kissed her.

New York loves you. You're a superstar. Bye bye.

No happily ever after, Just a whole lot of hurt,

No one, not even her boss, watched Metro News 1,

No, actually it tastes like pennies.

No, but dibs.

No, I'm across the room at my drafting table

No, it doesn't.

No, it's not like that. I'm just...

No, it's not.

No, it's not.

No, it's okay. I wasn't telling anyone about it.

No, Marshall. That was beyond my wildest dreams.

No, no, I'm just writing my paper, hitting the books.

No, no, no, no, ineffable. "Ineffable" means it can't be explained.

No, no, no, no, we're not playing "Have you met Ted."

No, no, no, no, we're not playing "Have you met Ted."

No, no, no, not right away. I gotta seem casual.

No, no. We're gonna get you out of this. Okay.

No, seriously, you girls have a good time tonight.

No, that was a big mistake, Ted. You should have done it in person.

No, the moment wasn't right.

No, we're not.

No, you are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne.

No! I didn't dump her right before her birthday.

No.

No. No. The night has just started.

No. Oh, you thought that... No.

No. This place is great.

Nobody's that lame.

Not cool. Not cool.

Not eagerly waiting by the door,

Not exactly the point I was trying to make, Marshall.

Not for the sit around and wait of happiness.

Not good, not good,

Not Goonies, Girls.

Not some stupid word. "Booger."

Not two, but three parties for some girl that you just met

Not with a ring on your finger.

Not you, just some hypothetical woman,

Nothing,

Nothing. It's a game. I gotta just

Now it's gonna be Marshall and Lily and me.

Now the kid has got to get to work. And the kid is not to be disturbed.

Now, ever since Marshall put that ring on her finger,

Now, for your next challenge.

Now, if only I knew her schedule, I could arrange a chance encounter.

Now, if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer,

Now, please let us go before we miss our international business meeting.

Now, you can either put the bags on the carousel now

Of course not.

Of course, you idiot!

Of course.

Of how I met your Aunt Robin.

Off. Let's make out.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hey, look what I got.

Oh, honey, champagne.

Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.

Oh, I killed you, Connor. Don't make me get your mom.

Oh, I love Park Slope. When did you move to Manhattan?

Oh, I'm going back home next weekend.

Oh, it is on!

Oh, it's ridiculous in here. Why don't we go somewhere else?

Oh, it's totally the ring. If you took that ring off your finger

Oh, man.

Oh, my God, there's no way out. I'm gonna have to marry her.

Oh, my God. Did you guys really do that?

Oh, of course. That's it. The ring.

Oh, please. I'm so sick of the meat market scene.

Oh, Robin.

Oh, search your soul, Robin.

Oh, since about here.

Oh, so dating you is like winning the lottery?

Oh, so much more wine.

Oh, Ted, that is so sweet.

Oh, thank God. I've never been in a fight before.

Oh, the moon, the stars, the shimmering skyline.

Oh, this is lame.

Oh, wait, wait. There's something I have to say first.

Oh, well, you did the right thing. I'm proud of you.

Oh, yeah? Up yours, three years ago.

Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.

Oh, yeah. You know me, I'm the jealous type.

Oh, you know, just shopping for dip.

Oh, you were so right about the roof.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh. For you it's $6.

Okay, buddy, time for the tough talk.

Okay, bye,

Okay, carousel four is tapped out. Ready?

Okay, fine. But it's gotta be, like, super quick.

Okay, goodbye.

Okay, I got it all planned out.

Okay, I'll be casual.

Okay, I'm calm. I'm totally calm.

Okay, in my client's defense,

Okay, it was childish and stupid. I just... I didn't want to see her cry.

Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Okay, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes. And suit up!

Okay, moment of truth.

Okay, not a perfect metaphor

Okay, okay. Look, look, look, I know you're mad, but

Okay, so I didn't want to get a boyfriend level gift

Okay, that's my Barney limit.

Okay, this is difficult to say.

Okay, we can go to the bar. Just stop talking.

Okay, we just do this one little thing and the rest of the night is ours.

Okay, what's going on is you broke my heart

Okay, yes. You got me.

Okay.

Old people, babies, monkeys. That's not journalism.

On 75th and Columbus...

On a silver platter. Bon appÈtit,

On a very important international business trip.

On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad.

On those bean counters who under appreciate you

One more for the lady!

One of the reasons I threw these parties was so that I could introduce you

One you plan out for months, the other just slips out

Only all the time.

Only so you could dump me three weeks later,

Oops.

Or my underwear.

Or the one before that, or the one before that.

Or you can listen to me give you a really long speech

Or, you know, now.

Other people's misfortune. You missed something so amazing.

Our first and only stop, Sascha's party,

Over just to mack on one girl. Oh, and Lily, that's my leg.

Over my answering machine, on my birthday,

Peace out, suckers!

People think I can't keep a secret, but I totally can.

People will dance, I'm not gonna worry about it.

Perfect balance.

Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine

Philadelphia, PA,

Philly!

Philly!

Philly.

Please come with us, gentlemen.

Please, can we just have one person in this whole bar who didn't see it?

Please, Natalie, give the guy a chance.

Please, open it.

Please.

Plus, Marshall's found the love of his life.

Really? Sweet.

Really? Well, I thought it was kind of weird, but if you're cool with it...

Relax, Ted, we didn't do anything wrong.

Remember when Natalie said...

Repeat after me, "I will not have sex with Marshall."

Reporting from Metro 1 News,

Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.

Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News 1.

Robin seems great, but let's look at the facts.

Robin, look, I didn't throw this party to set you up with Carlos

ROBIN; Oh, my God, I'm covered in horse crap!

Robin! Robin!

Sample dialog. You have a wheelie bag?

Sascha.

Say what you will about the porn industry, they're hard workers.

Scenario.

See you.

See you.

See, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend.

See, you say that. You say it's gonna be this much fun,

Self respect is overrated.

Seriously, honey, men are working here.

Seriously, who talks like that?

She didn't even give me the signal.

She didn't show up,

She didn't show up,

She drinks Scotch?

She knows no one you know and you will never see her again.

She likes dogs?

She remembers me.

She said she works with Carlos. Who's Carlos?

She said something about me, didn't she? Come on, spill it, Red.

She says, "Hey, nice place, etcetera, etcetera,"

She steps through the door, And where is Ted?

She wants casual?

She will never find her way back and there she is.

She would love that. And it does look fun in the movies.

She'll forget all about you.

She'll show up.

She'll show up.

She's cute. Hey, Carl, turn it up.

She's having friends over for drinks at her house.

She's lovely.

She's not just one of them. She's the one.

She's probably on the subway by now. You could call her voicemail.

She's still talking to Carlos.

Showing some foxy young thing all my cool architecture stuff,

Sidebar. Tuck in your shirt. You look sketchy.

Signal.

Simple ceremony. We'll write our own vows.

Since when do you guys know each other?

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to remain calm.

Sir, please.

Sir! Lower your voice or I will restrain you.

Six words.

Sloth love Chunk.

Snowsuit up!

So don't say anything until I get there, all right?

So far, one. One gay dolphin.

So great.

So he was pretty good at thinking on his feet,

So how do I ask her out without asking her out?

So I asked her out, and I know this sounds crazy,

So I spent a month making adult films.

So I threw a third party for Robin, on a Sunday night,

So I'm not gonna jeopardize my promotion by saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

So if you ever come to Alabama,

So if you wanna swing by, you know, it's casual.

So maybe we should just call it a day.

So Natalie and I started dating again,

So next time you're passing City Hall,

So that was Robin.

So that's the upside of hurt, Sometimes it happens for a reason,

So the next night, I took Natalie out to dinner

So there was this one night, before I met your mother,

So there's more surprises? Like what?

So tonight, every guy is "the enemy."

So when are you gonna do it?

So you dumped her right before her birthday?

So you got beat up by a girl?

So, a week went by and I decided not to call her,

So, back in 2005, when I was 27, my two best friends got engaged.

So, Barney and I hit the town,

So, did you just get in from Detroit?

So, did you kiss her?

So, fine.

So, Gatsby, what are you gonna do when Robin shows up?

So, hey, you reporting a news story or something?

So, it turned out Uncle Marshall really was the jealous type,

So, it's over between me and Works with Carlos Girl.

So, Lily went out with Robin

So, Marshall, this Olive Theory based on you and Lily.

So, Orlando? You gonna hit Disney World?

So, Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl?

So, Robin strolls over, and I casually give her one of these,

So, Ted, what brings you back to Brooklyn at 1:00 in the morning in a suit?

So, that girl you were talking to, that was Mom?

So, the ring's really off, huh?

So, there we were,

So, these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?

So, these spankings,

So, tonight, can we just skip the cake?

So, what do we think of Ted?

So, when you tell this story to your friends,

So, where are you from? Heaven?

So, you chickened out like a little bitch.

So, you threw all these parties for me?

So, you're not gonna call her?

So, you're Sascha's friends, huh?

So...

Some fall day. Possibly in Central Park.

Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try to do the right thing,

Son, a piece of advice,

Sorry I missed your party, again.

Sorry, baby, I gotta work. I need all my blood up here.

Sorry, buddy. Two against one.

Sorry, Ted.

Sorry. Not the issue.

Sorry. You're really pretty.

Sort of looks like a Smurf penis.

Statistic.

Step into my web.

Stop the car. Pull over right here.

Stop the tape. Rewind, play it again.

Stuck on an airplane to Philadelphia with two very un single girls,

Stuff like making her laugh and being a good father

Stupid eye patch.

Suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their 100th birthday.

Suits are cool. Exhibit A.

Sure, Metro News 1 pays you jack.

Surprise.

Take her up to the roof and have sex with her,

Take him to the vet.

Talk to the same people every day. Or you can lick the Liberty Bell.

Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing.

Ted, have you considered telling her the truth?

Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live.

Ted, I'm jeopardizing my law career so you can throw not one,

Ted, let's rap.

Ted, say I'm your best friend.

Ted, since the dawn of time, mankind has struggled...

Ted, Ted, Ted.

Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here!

Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here.

Ted, Ted, Ted. Right here. Yes, we are.

Ted, what is the truth? Why do you wanna break up with her?

Ted, what's the first syllable in "rut tine"?

Ted, you're missing out on a valuable life lesson here.

Ted, you've been living your whole life in a seat belt.

Ted?

Ted?

Ted's something else.

Than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you,

Thank you, Miss Robin Scherbatsky,

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for helping me plan this out, Ted.

Thanks, honey.

Thanks, Leonard.

Thanks, Lil.

Thanks.

Thanks. I did just start subscribing to Esquire,

Thanks. I love you.

That girl from last night, I took her back to my place,

That is a terrible way to break up with someone.

That long, lingering handshake. You should've kissed her.

That night, Marshall had a ton of studying to do,

That one Belle and Sebastian song she always listened to,

That was beautiful, man.

That was fun.

That was me then, okay?

That was not the signal.

That would have to be this one, right now,

That you said I could have.

That's great, Ted. You'll be the most casual stalker ever.

That's great. So my dog keeps going...

That's it. That's all this is.

That's just a recipe for disaster. They work together.

That's just things in a diaper.

That's my fiancÈe's hot backside that you're dabbing!

That's right. I'm not wearing any.

That's what makes them such a great couple.

That's when Robin realized

The bar. Big surprise.

The chances of one person being another person's "the one"

The city I'll never go back to 'cause it was raining the day I visited.

The following is from the October issue.

The movie I saw once and hated,

The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn,

The night you met, your first date, other first things.

The Olive Theory is based on my friends, Marshall and Lily.

The plan's always been

The point is, I seem to like bourbon now.

The rest end with someone getting hurt. This is one of those stories.

The roof.

The sock monkey collection on her bed,

The sock monkeys,

The story of how I met your mother.

The tea candles on her dresser,

The tea candles,

The truth is, my friend, he does this thing

The truth? She's not the one.

Their kids call "Uncle Ted."

Then as your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call,

Then I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox so that...

Then this morning took her outside, spun her around a couple times

Then, an hour later,

Then, as you do it, you say this,

There are two big questions a man has to ask in life,

There is not going to be another challenge. I don't care how much you offer me.

There she is.

There she is.

There was a surprise party that night? How come nobody told me?

There you are!

There's no "better" in breaking up. There's only less awful.

There's no such thing as the signal.

There's something here. Look, unless I'm crazy.

These past three weeks have been great. I should be in love with her,

They have some helpful columns.

They'll get married, start a family.

They'll get your tray table in its full, upright position.

They're all yours.

They're clean. It's just a whole bunch of condoms.

They're only tears.

Thirty. Right, you're right.

This flapper, Fort Knox.

This Friday. Did I say next Friday? Yeah, sorry.

This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.

This hand gesture thing doesn't really work on the phone, does it?

This is an outrage.

This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar.

This is compliments of those two gentlemen at the bar.

This is happening.

This is the new, old shirt wearing, sack having Ted.

This is totally going in my blog.

This isn't a bad idea.

This much fun is good. It's safe. It's guaranteed.

This much... 35,000 feet of fun.

Time out. Ten o'clock.

To "I'm not gonna call her"?

To do the mature thing,

To get rid of a girl you just met?

To hang with an old, almost married lady?

To one hell of a night.

To refuse to answer any questions without an attorney present.

To this guy.

Today at work I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes.

Today is your birthday!

Today, a delicious hot dog will cost you $2.50,

Told the truth.

Tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again,

Turns out Krav Maga is not a kind of yoga,

Turns out the truth has a mean roundhouse kick.

Turns to his buddy and says,

Twenty five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.

Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th Street.

Unbelievable.

Unfortunately, one particular thought did not,

Unfortunately, that guy's boyfriend? Also the jealous type,

Unless it's the end of the night, and then you get on anything.

Wait a minute.

Wait, wait, wait. Hey, I got that roof reserved.

Wait, wait. The seat belt sign's on.

Wait. So, when you said you were going to pick someone up at the airport,

Waited three years for me to get over you,

Was taking the biggest step of his life, And me?

We all used to hang out at this one bar called MacLaren's,

We are international businessmen

We are international businessmen.

We could all get a beer now.

We could be friends.

We do it up there sometimes.

We got a jumper. Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge.

We have a lawyer?

We have no demands.

We really did,

We start hanging out, every time I see you, it'll be like,

We'll make it work.

We're assessing the bag situation.

We're building an igloo in Central Park. It's gonna be legendary.

We're going out tomorrow night.

We're going to the airport.

We're gonna meet some ladies, it's gonna be legendary. Phone five!

We're having a party next Friday if you feel like swinging by,

We're not gonna have sex for at least a month,

We're on a tarmac in Philadelphia.

We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye.

We've got footage of you placing two bags on JFK carousel three,

Well,

Well, good luck.

Well, guess what? She cried.

Well, here I am.

Well, I better run. I have my Krav Maga class in half an hour.

Well, I didn't think I'd be flying to Philadelphia

Well, I grew up in Park Slope.

Well, I should get back to the station. See you guys.

Well, I was 18, okay? I was a virgin.

Well, it sounds like you're having a lot more fun than I am.

Well, just tell her I called

Well, maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.

Well, now I've got a new favorite. Lebanese girls.

Well, she's leaving tomorrow and this may be the only moment

Well, that's just what we did back then.

Well, why did you guys break up?

Well, yeah, actually. I'm a different guy now.

Well, yeah, I bet she gets that a lot.

Well, you must have done something. Why did you guys break up?

Well...

Were to bear with me through all this,

What about Natalie?

What about that chick, Jackie?

What are you doing?

What are you gonna do?

What baby really likes is the thrill of pulling one over

What do I care? It's not like anyone's watching anyway, right?

What do we do now?

What do you say, Lil? "Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum"?

What I'm offering is the chance to have this much fun.

What if there's someone from my past

What is wrong with me?

What the... No, no, no, no, come on.

What was I doing? Here, Uncle Marshall

What, is she gonna bat her eyes at you in Morse code?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? I did not chicken out.

What? That was the off switch and I turned it off.

What? Well, you have dogs, right? What do you think that means?

What's so special about the roof?

What's up, Carl?

When Ethel and Sadie Margolis, New York's oldest twins,

When I really wanted to go to the bar.

When I woke up this morning, I'll give you that.

When they meet two handsome international businessmen

When you go on a first date, you really don't want to say Smurf penis,

When you're half drunk at some bar,

When you're the best man at our wedding and you give a speech,

When, in fact, she, like this shirt, is actually a perfect fit?

Where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls.

Where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor,

Where's that champagne?

Which made me say something stupid,

Who am I?

Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine

Who has no idea whose party she's at.

Who I thought was wrong for me at the time,

Who invited you? No one even knows who you are.

Who is Carlos?

Who says that?

Who wants hard lemonade?

Who was new to New York and looking for a friend,

Who?

Who's Natalie?

Who's probably not even gonna show up!

Whoa, whoa, rabbits.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you hit her?

Whose bourbon is this?

Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy.

Why are we still sitting here? Let's go. We can still make last call.

Why couldn't you leave that poor girl alone?

Why do I hang out with you? Why?

Why do you have those suitcases and who are we picking up?

Why does he get to be the best man?

Why is that such a heart breaking thing to hear?

Why, I have a wheelie bag.

Why? What is so horrible about that?

Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

Will you relax? I'm getting to it.

With an untucked shirt.

With my regular friends in my regular city.

With your lips and everything?

Without you, I'm just the dynamic uno,

Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?

Wouldn't you be jealous of guys swarming all over my beeswax?

Wow, it must be really well cordoned off over there.

Wow, kid in a crane machine.

Wow, okay. Well, I'll be there.

Wow!

Wow! Okay. How many did you make?

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah well, "the one" is heading up to the roof.

Yeah, 'cause MacLaren's is fun.

Yeah, 'cause nothing says "casual" like inviting a hundred people

Yeah, a kid stuck in a crane machine. How sweet of you to call it news.

Yeah, and he's gonna sit there, and he's gonna take it like a man.

Yeah, he's gonna eat it, too. It's another record.

Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk and you're not listening to me,

Yeah, I was never gonna go play Lazer Tag.

Yeah, I'm a ghost.

Yeah, I'm gay.

Yeah, I'm scared, okay?

Yeah, it's a two day party, 'cause that's just how we roll.

Yeah, it's off, and she's talking to some guy.

Yeah, last night people were, like,

Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?

Yeah, she's, like, the best girl you've dated in years.

Yeah, sorry, we thought you were asleep.

Yeah, that's a no.

Yeah, well, you and Lily might want to put some clothes on.

Yeah, well.

Yeah, what is so horrible about that? She's not the one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I sent you some pictures on my phone. Check it.

Yeah, you have better chances of winning the lottery.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. That sounds good.

Yeah. What are you doing tonight?

Yeah. What the hell.

Yes, he's that lame. Tell him you're that lame.

Yes, it is.

Yes. Perfect.

You always know what to say, old friend.

You and I both know this wasn't about the money.

You are a catch. You're gonna make some girl very happy.

You are about to see something amazing.

You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.

You can tell me. It's totally cool. It was my idea.

You can't not fall in love on that roof.

You could get one for only a nipple.

You could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.

You demand? No, no, no, no, he does not demand.

You didn't phone five, did you? I know when you don't phone five, Ted.

You didn't.

You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news.

You don't have to tell me I'm yours. But the way I see it, we're a team.

You don't say.

You dumped a porn star?

You ever, like, stick your head inside it?

You got beat up by a girl.

You guys talking to each other?

You guys, keep the volume down. You're gonna wake my grandpa.

You had to play the race card.

You have sex on the kitchen floor.

You have to swear that this does not leave this cab.

You just didn't have the sack to face those tears.

You just end up flat on your back, flailing around in a big pile of horse crap.

You just had to have that toy, didn't you?

You keep going to the same bar. You're in a rut.

You know it.

You know what that is? Hunger. You're hungry for experience.

You know what?

You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice

You know why? 'Cause it's a game.

You know, ever since college it's been Marshall and Lily and me.

You know, get a beer.

You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.

You know, if it'll make your friend feel better

You know, it's so funny I should run into you.

You know, like, "Monkey who can play the ukulele."

You know, Metro News 1 may not be number one in viewership,

You know, that Natalie, she's good times.

You know, you've already given me the best present of all.

You look well.

You looked really creepy without eyebrows.

You love her, but it sucks that you can't.

You meant you were going to pick someone up at the airport?

You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes.

You must think I have absolutely no self respect.

You ready to rock this, Tedder?

You really are awesome.

You sure spent a lot of time in bars.

You take this one, I'll save it for the next one.

You think they're doing it in front of the dogs?

You waited five minutes to tell me that?

You wanna be single?

You wanna fight off loser guys all night? Does that seem like fun to you?

You wanna go out sometime?

You wanna mess, pal?

You wanna test this, guy? Be my guest, come on.

You want to get married

You went from "I think I'm in love with you"

You were a little shaky on your landing. I'd give you a 9.2.

You, me,

You'd have a ton of guys crowding your junk.

You're all sweaty.

You're awesome.

You're finally gonna watch Goonies again.

You're free to go.

You're going to Philly? Why?

You're gonna tell this story.

You're not a jackass.

You're not crazy.

You're right. I know.

You're right. There's no off switch.

You're too liberal with the word legendary.

You're wearing a suit!

You're welcome.

You've seen quite a lot.

Your loss, her gain. Excuse me, can I show you the roof?

75th and Columbus.

175.

'Cause you're a pirate? Okay, eye patch gone.

"Have you met Ted?" Oh, come on, not this.

"I'm not ready for a commitment." Oh, that's such a clichÈ.

"My knee!" "It's in my hair!"

Actually, I think it's cute. Well, you're clearly drunk.

All right, so call her up. No, calling's not casual.

And I'm a good handshaker. That's a pretty great handshake.

And it starts with a shirt. A shirt?

And no cuddling after. I'm the luckiest girl alive.

And nothing about the twins story? Oh, yeah. Great job on that one.

And on her birthday! Lily, come on.

And you know what it tastes like? What?

Anybody seen a big ass book? No.

Are we being punished for something? No.

Are you all right? Yeah.

back to you, Bill, The guy didn't jump.

Barney. We met at the urinal. Oh, right. Hi.

Booger. Yes, hello, Barney.

But I'm not doing it. I am a journalist. What? Journalist?

But that's part of his charm. Oh, totally.

Bye, guys. Bye.

Bye. Take it easy.

Can't we just... No, we can't "just," we're going home.

Carlos, can you give us a minute? Hey, no sweat, hombre,

Come on, sweetie, I need a drink. Sweetie. Really?

Crazy, monkey style... That's not the plan.

Damn it! What?

Did he get to keep the purple giraffe? Yeah, they let him keep all the toys.

Did Marshall give me the signal? No!

Did you sleep with her mom? No.

Did you sleep with her sister? No.

Do you ever lick it? Nope.

Do you know anyone at this party? I work with Carlos.

Do you want me to go over and... No! Don't interrupt. It's awesome.

Don't have sex on our kitchen floor. Got it.

Dude, I think that guy is gay. I know that guy is gay.

Dude, Robin's not coming. Hey, she's gonna show up.

Dude, you're talking to the kid. I know it.

Enjoy your coffee. Hey!

Everyone thinks they're a good kisser. Oh, I've got references.

Follow them. Tickets on me. No. Barney!

Go say hi. I can't just go say hi.

God, I wish there was an off switch. Me, too.

God, I wish there was an off switch. Me, too.

God, I'm so sorry. Oh, believe me, I've been there.

Guess who's covering it? That's gonna take a week?

Hello, sailor. They just got engaged.

Hello? Hey, am I interrupting anything?

Hello? Hi, Ted.

Hello? I'm so sorry I missed your party.

Hello? Marshall, we're going to Sascha's.

Hello? Natalie.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Where's your suit?

Hi, have you met Ted? No.

Hi, I'm Ted. Yasmin.

Hi, you. You're back. I sure am.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I totally wanted to come,

Hi. My God, are you okay?

Hot top, bro. Is it new? That's the crazy part.

How did she get here? Did you invite her? I have no idea who that is.

How did we... Ted! You klutzy, great guy you!

How do I get to the F train? Oh.

I am so sorry. It's fine, no.

I can't explain it. Try.

I did. That one time. It was a blazer.

I didn't get you anything. Oh, it's okay.

I got a paper to write. I know, I'm sorry. It's terrible.

I guess you never showed up, did you? No, I got stuck at work.

I have to do the mature thing. Wanna talk mature?

I realize how much that sucked. No, you don't.

I should just go. Hold on.

I swear. I swear.

I think I'm in love with you. What?

I understand. Get in the cab. Why can Marshall say no?

I will not have sex with Marshall. I will not have sex with Marshall.

I'll buy more dip. Ted, Ted, wait!

I'm doing this. Let's go.

I'm gonna make this right. You know what else?

I'm in love with her. No.

I'm not wearing a suit. Lesson two, get a suit.

I'm sketchy? Trust me, it's gonna be legendary.

I'm sure that's why he did it. Hey.

in an impressionist painting, and when... So that's a no?

In excruciating detail. Right.

It's a very pretty name. Thanks. It's Lebanese.

It's ineffable. I'm not F able?

It's magical up there. Sure.

It's my birthday. Yes, I know. I didn't realize that it was...

It's okay, man. Back off, hombre!

It's Robin. Answer it.

It's Robin. Oh, Robin.

It's Ted Mosby. Go to hell!

It's too bad it's not tonight. It is. It's tonight.

It's... What?

just the two of us. Yeah.

Keep your hands where I can see them. Barney, I am going to kill you.

Kiss her, Ted. Kiss her good. Kiss the crap out of that girl.

Lame. Or casual?

Legendary? That sounds awesome! No, Marshall, we're going back.

Lily loves them, you can't stand them. Yeah, I hate olives.

Lily's phone. Robin? Where's Lily?

Look, a booth opened up. Really?

Man, I'm almost halfway there. Yeah, we just got released

Marshall, no! Baby, please.

Natalie! Natalie!

Nice seeing you, Ted. Yeah, you, too.

Nice shirt. Right? Right?

No green clarinet? Nope.

No underwear? Not even slightly.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

No, it's not. Yes,

No, no, no. I didn't mean that. Okay, so what's the problem?

No, you just kiss her. Not if you don't get the signal.

No! Get back in there.

No! Legendary!

No. No.

No. It has to be the two of us. Why? Why do you need me?

Nobody's listening? What's wrong with MacLaren's?

Oh, Dad. So then what happened?

Oh, my God! Are you all right? What happened to you?

Oh, so I'm stupid? Oh, God, what's going on?

Oh, that was fast. Yeah.

Oh, where are you headed? Philadelphia.

Oh, your friends don't seem too happy. Yeah.

Oh. Well, kind of a reporter.

Okay, I'm out of here. Estaban, doors!

Okay, where was I? You were telling us how you met Mom.

Olives. Yeah.

On her answering machine! Okay.

on their birthday? Yeah, dude, e mail.

Philly? That's where we're headed. You are?

Right now. Look, dude, it's midnight.

Robin? Hey.

Robin? Wow, what are the odds? What are you doing here?

Say what? Passengers Mosby and Stinson?

Scoping, bip, scoping, bip. Man, you're a dork.

See you. Bye.

She hates olives. Awesome! The Olive Theory.

She's smoking, Thank you.

She's... Is she talking to some hot guy?

Sir, seat belt light's on. Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.

So do you think you'll ever get married? Well, maybe eventually.

so I'm gonna walk away. Yeah, yeah, booth.

So tell her that. Oh, you can't tell her that. That's horrible.

So that was Robin. What are you doing to me, man?

So what do you do? I'm a reporter for Metro News 1.

So you gonna ask her out? Yeah. No!

So, what brings you guys to Philly? We're visiting our boyfriends.

Solid plan, my little friends. We're the same height.

Thanks, bro. Glad I could help.

That is awesome. Hey, is that Marshall?

That is one bad ass blue French horn. Yeah.

That was not the signal. Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore.

The roof. The roof.

The women hot there? Here's a picture of my wife.

Then open it. Fine.

There she is. Thanks, Bill,

There's no off switch. There is an off switch.

They're both linebackers for the Eagles. Both!

This is it. Oh, boy, here we go.

This just stays between us, right? Are you kidding?

Those bags were your responsibility. They were your bags.

To my fiancÈe. To the future.

to the City Hall beat. City Hall. Miss Thing!

Today is your birthday? Yeah.

Two blocks, that way and take a right. Thanks.

Was that all? Yeah.

We are international businessmen... Oh, come on!

We at least get to call our lawyer. Exactly.

We're clear. Thanks, Don.

We're going to Sascha's. Who the hell is Sascha?

We're having a party next Friday? We are now.

Well, anyway, Robin, this is... Carlos.

Well, did she cry her eyes out? I don't know.

Well, I think Natalie deserves better. Better.

Well, then, we'll see you on the plane. Yes, you will.

Well, this is my stop. Ted, legendary.

What about that girl, Steph? Steph.

What are you doing? What?

What does Carlos have that I don't? A date tonight?

What the hell is that? The Ickey Shuffle.

What, like what? It's like, "Let's fall in love,

What? Look at me, I'm on TV,

What? That was the signal.

Who are you calling? Hi, Marshall, it's Lily.

Who is this? Meredith? Robin.

Why don't we go to MacLaren's? Let's go to MacLaren's.

Why would Natalie hang up on you? I don't know.

Wish me luck. Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter.

Word up. We're coming with you.

Wow, a complete stranger. No, no, no, it's okay. Go on.

Wow, you're cooking? Yes, I am.

Yeah, But she's not Robin.

Yeah, is this gonna take a while? Yes.

Yeah, Ted, hold on to that one. Yeah.

Yeah. You hate olives.

You blew it. It's over. Move on. I don't know.

You jealous? Oh, please.

You know Marshall, Lily? No.

You know something, Ted? What?

You love me? Oh, God.

You planned that? My knee!

You saw it? My phone gets the Internet now.

you start thinking about that stuff. I thought I was your best friend.

You wanted to see me, Mr. Adams? Yes, I did.

You're from Park Slope? No, she is.

You're my best friend, Barney. Good.

You're not even looking. No, I'm not.

You've got to be kidding me. False.

...and my bathing suit had fallen completely off.

...persuaded him to reconsider,

...where four year old Leroy Ellenberg

'cause for me it's fall in love and get married

'Cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Cute girls are not from Buffalo.

'Cause now you're saying "nipple" and it's $100.

'cause the second half of that word is "dairy."

"and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice."

"and your 27 touchdowns will not be forgotten.

"Elbert 'Ickey' Woods, the Bengals were fools to cut you in '91.

"Have you met Ted?"

"Hey, what's up?"

"Keep it going, bro! Party trifecta!"

"kiss me."

"My younger sister just got married and I'm about to turn 30" sex.

"Oh, that's right, I'm a jackass."

"Oh, you're still here?"

"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a God, you say, 'Yes!"'

"See that girl? I'm gonna marry her someday,"

"Sloth love Chunk."

"So, Coach Dave Shula, screw you and your crappy steakhouse."

"Ted,

"This just in." Okay.

"Wanna see the roof?"

"Well, make yourself at home,"

"You look fat in those jeans." You're free to go.

"Your 1,525 rushing yards