How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Edit

A boat? How would that even...?

A bunch of those people, you know, I haven't seen them since.

A daisy.

A Ford Escort, Ted. I did it on a car.

A gorilla!

A hot red burning On the side of your face

A hot red burning On the side of your face

A mountain of food, a ticking clock? Come on, you live for this stuff.

A really long day and a half.

A slap in the face.

A sugar pill.

A suit like that only needs one button: Self destruct.

A unicorn.

A willow tree, four women and a tiger? What are you talking about?

Aah!

Aah! No, I'm your friend. I'm helping you.

Absolutely.

Across the face, my friend

Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.

Actually, right near the Slapping Tree.

Actually...

After all the times you guys made fun of me for my breakup butterfly tattoo?

After some trial and error, Dr. Stinsonheimer...

After that day, I have never liked that guy.

Again.

Agh!

Agh!

Agh! We're going again.

Agh. Pfft!

Ah, probably just state birds or some crap. Heh.

Ah, yes, Barney, there's something I need to tell you...

Ah! Ah.

Ah. A quick nip won't hurt.

Ah. Been waiting for the perfect time for this.

Ahoy, Marshall.

All of these vows are selfish and way too easy to keep.

All of this suit's memories are still ahead of it.

All right, I'll get the elevator.

All right, we got most of the ingredients on our list: Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.

All right. Goodbye.

All so she could have one last smoke on the train.

ALL: Ooh.

ALL: Ted, Ted, Ted. Yeah. Come on.

ALL: The archetype of the modern politician. Ha ha ha.

ALL: Whoa!

Also, I'm sorry, but I retired from teaching long ago.

An objectophiliac? No way.

And accuracy.

And after that fight, boy did she need one.

And as a kid, I was a bit of a detective, heh, so...

And as you can imagine, my friends promised me they'd never watch it.

And at the top...

And before you know it, just like magic, you realize...

And down south, it made mama look...

And everybody laughed and clapped

And everybody laughed and clapped

And how is that going for you these days?

And how is your father's health?

And I cannot carry you home in this dress.

And I didn't even know that there were elk in Bermuda.

And I ended up at that EZ Pick a few miles up the road. And, well...

And I just hate the thought of leaving you, Empy...

And I will not break that vow, as sure as I will always have a full head of hair.

And I'll race down to the spa to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.

And if I were to walk into this powder room right now...

And if you think I would ever be part of screwing that up...

And in other results, a surprise comeback.

And in those moments, we all need someone who loves us to help us rally.

And it was legendary.

And it wouldn't be easy.

And it's funny.

And it's like, bro, Andre's been doing stuff right the whole movie.

And it's not.

And it's so cool when I go like this:

And nobody's happier about it than their kids.

And now on Monday, you're running away to Chicago.

And now to celebrate with that piece of chocolate cake I've been saving.

And now you're getting married.

And now you're getting married.

And remind me, how did you celebrate getting accepted into Columbia?

And Robin, since you don't seem to care, I think I'll be wearing this to the ceremony.

And she'll wedding out all over the place, I promise.

And some good came out of this, seeing you like that...

And sure enough...

And sure, you know, we were friends for years first...

And thanks for not telling Robin the list was mine.

And that doesn't have to make sense...

And that's it. Now, here's how the rest of us remember those two hours:

And that's when I found out why "no slapping until your training is complete"...

And that's when she realized...

And that's why, when she got to the hotel...

And the best part is, your dad has no idea.

And the prize was this guy.

And their security's a total joke.

And then I banged her.

And then she went to the powder room. She was in there quite a while.

And then three hours later...

And then try to slap that spot instead of some other spot.

And this is the receipt from the meal you and Barney ate...

And we're different people than we were in 2007, but that's okay.

And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR...

And when she came out, she had to leave right away. It was odd.

And when you do, you'll be so glad you did not get the other half of that butterfly.

And yes, over the years you got in some great slaps...

And you don't love me. You love Barney.

And you know every one of mine.

And you're gonna get your dream, because...

And, did you know that one time...

And, James, I'm sorry about you and Tom...

And, Lily, you were okay with Marshall having an affair?

And, oh, I'm terribly sorry about the door.

And, well...

Any time you see me without a drink in my hand...

Anyway, Marshall returned...

Anyway, the elixir was such a success...

Are Marvin, and I...

Are there any elk on Long Island?

Are we being crazy?

Are you gonna read all these?

Are you my guy, Linus?

Are you okay, Robin?

Are you Red Bird?

Are you sure?

Are your shoes made of lead?

As if they were written by the bard himself, Lionel Richie.

As my training continued...

As soon as he's done, he'll just pop right over.

As soon as I'm done, I'll pop on over.

As was cutting the arms off the shirts that weren't selling. That's where I belong.

At least it landed on the mustard stain.

At least there's no tiger.

At the end, you were best friends.

At the Farhampton Inn, we don't cook with grease.

At the very same church.

Aunt Muriel.

Aunt Muriel.

Aunt Muriel.

Aw, damn it.

Aw, you feed her like Sloth from Goonies. So the magic's still there.

Awesome. Can you teach me how to do that?

Awesome. Oh, man, I can't wait to slap Barney Stinson right across his stupid fa...

Baby, I can't wait to meet your mom, but I gotta go on a little excursion with the boys.

Baby, it's okay, you didn't mean to. He doesn't sleep.

Baby, let's be honest. At this point, that door is wide open.

Bacon, donuts, Halloween candy...

Bad like it happened Saturday.

Bad like this happened in the past year?

Barney does love us.

Barney found it. Ask him.

Barney had to wrestle it away from four baby pigeons.

Barney made up the Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir so we would all...

Barney still goes to the park every day to feed the babies. The end.

Barney wouldn't tell me how he found it, which made me realize it had to be you.

Barney, get out here. This is your wedding day.

Barney, I'm well aware that you've developed a resistance...

Barney, wait.

Barney, you were always a bit...

BARNEY: God, you're gorgeous.

BARNEY: I don't believe this.

BARNEY: Okay, enough.

BARNEY: President Franklin D. Roosevelt...

Barney?

Basically carrying your revenge and sangria soaked ass.

Be honest.

Be sure to check out the James A. Garfield monument.

Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor, dragged me out...

Because I just solved the mystery, that's why.

Because I love you.

Because I remember at our wedding, looking out and thinking:

Because I'm not that guy anymore.

Because if you get up there and speak from the heart...

Because it is nobody's business.

Because it's a secret. And I'm keeping it.

Because it's not just any bottle...

Because love is the best thing we do.

Because of Gary Blauman, everything that matters to me is gone.

Because of that, I shall remain forever...

Because of the tragedy, I never got to finish my training. I never learned accuracy.

Because one set of vows...

Because that's a good thing...

Because that's all your marriage has been.

Because you are the loudest upstairs neighbor in history.

Because you were sprinting from a church in a wedding dress.

Because you're giving me mine.

Because, uh, I was just watching The Princess Bride...

Before I give it to you, I just wanna make sure you're okay.

Beg your pardon, the fabled Slapping Tree of Gongqing Forest?

Behind the same church surrounded by the same wildflowers.

Belts.

Besides, Marshall and I are saving that Scotch...

BILLY: Good point. Wow. He's right.

Bitterman, get the car.

Blah.

Blauman will cool off. We'll see him again.

Blauman, comma, Gary?

Blauman. Blauman. I'm sorry. You can stay. Billy won't kick you in the face.

Bloody Mary? Sounds more like a Bloody Scary.

BOTH: "Prepare to die."

BOTH: Mommy! Hey, look who it is! Get her!

Bro.

Bro.

Bro.

Buddy. Buddy, you okay?

But afterwards, her breath told the tale.

But at least you had a wedding day freak out.

But do you still want to finish your little pigeon story?

But don't go have one last Scotch with Barney.

But don't worry...

But every story from your 20's starts in a bar.

But here's the problem. You've tormented me so much that I am now immune to it.

But I assure you, nothing inappropriate happened between me and your wife.

But I didn't. Because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.

But I don't get it. You're so against me moving...

But I guess that's what happens when you've been married for 60 years.

But I should've known back then this was not husband material.

But I tried it on this morning, it was uncomfortable, itchy and wrong.

But I want them to be profound and inspiring.

But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she...

But I'm in the weirdest place on Earth right now.

But if you find someone you feel safe with, it's like flying.

But if you get up to the top, you can see almost 30 miles...

But if you must know, it's, uh... It's not a speech.

But if you've got someone that you feel is really there for you...

But in my mind, I kind of think she is.

But it doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you.

But it's funny, once you actually hear those words out loud...

But it's no big deal. I prefer being alone. I really do.

But later, at the actual wedding...

But love doesn't make sense.

But Marshall just said that. What is going on?

But not before first slapping them right in their stupid face.

But regardless, there's still some lingering pain there.

But slapping is now a part of my past.

But that's not even the capper.

But that's the dream. I can't believe I just said that.

But the story gets bittersweet...

But the truth is, I don't love you like that anymore.

But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork...

But there's still one item left on this list.

But they're family and I love them.

But this Barney.

But this new side of you...

But what is?

But you can't force it. It has to just happen.

But, look, I don't even know if I'll like bacon.

But, you know, by the time we'd landed...

But?

By not getting a single shot past me the entire morning?

By the way, in the interest of honesty...

Can I use your powder room?

Can you believe people used to swim in those?

Can you help me get a driver's license?

Can you imagine?

Can you take me to this great master? I have much gold.

Captain, I understand what you're saying, but what you don't understand...

Captain, what the hell happened here last night?

Captain, your powder room.

Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.

Carol. Her name was Carol.

Challenge accepted.

Chapter and verse.

Cleveland has a lot to offer.

Close my eyes and take three deep breaths.

Closet? Patio? Ooh, I think the sauna's open.

Come again for Judge Fudge?

Come clean about Chicago, or cleverly lie my way out of it.

Come here.

Come here. Yeah, I know, I know.

Come on, stay with us.

Come on, your dad's tough, but won't he understand an old fashioned hangover?

Come on.

Consider it your early wedding gift.

Cornflower blue, Ted. Cornflower blue!

Could you also slap me in the face?

Crap, I already broke my crying vow.

Damn it, Barney, why are you always so selfish? We are trying to help you.

Damn, that's smooth.

Daphne, you should've seen the dress I was gonna wear.

DAPHNE: Say, "Cheese."

Darn, I really wanted this next Barney Stinson slap to be special.

Darn, I really wanted to slap Barney Stinson.

Days of you and me

Develop an elixir to cure the common hangover.

Did Barney really wear a scuba suit into the bar?

Did last night really happen?

Did you say "Gary Blauman"? I...

Do you at least wanna finish your story?

Do you deny it?

Do you have someone like that?

Do you know I Don't Care led the league last year in dumb sports stuff?

Do you still have my wedding ring?

Do you wanna walk around some more? It's still early.

Does it face out on the ocean?

Does no one care that I'm wearing this dress?

Don't bother. That suit is a stain. A stain on the very institution of suits.

Don't do this, bro. Classic mistake.

Don't just slap, like, really try to aim.

Don't let me keep you. You have things to do. I'll see you walking down the aisle.

Don't say "buffet." That attracts old people.

Don't tell her it isn't so

Don't worry, any minute, Robin's gonna get smacked in the face...

Drink the blood of your vanquished enemy and move on.

Drink this. You're gonna be okay.

Dude, come on. I gave you one.

Dude, settle down, Swarley.

Dude, she got a ride in your car, remember?

Dude, this hotel has The Wedding Bride 2 on pay per view.

Dude, we can enlist together. That's the dream.

Dude, you're a grown man, why are you throwing a Tantrum?

During the flight, I'll admit...

Ease to the pease. Happy wedding.

Ehh.

En garde!

Entirely.

Even though they are incredibly weird Iooking.

Ever heard of "bespoke"?

Every single holiday, that same dumb story.

Every time someone who hates Barney slaps you in the face...

Everybody out.

Everybody saw it, ow

Everyone deals with getting married differently.

Everything's legendary.

Except the flames of Lucifer keep singeing our back bumper...

Excuse me. Do you know where I can find White Flower?

Fiancée? What fiancée?

Finally, like T.R. Stricken by tropical fever on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.

Fine, there's a very simple solution here, we might as well just face it.

First off, kudos to Marshall and Lily for calming you down.

First you must meet White Flower, the second master, who will teach you strength.

For a guy who loves New York this much, to leave it...

For the first 10 years I knew him...

For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.

For your stupid face.

Forgive me... I'm a little bit of a detective. But it was a bad breakup?

Four women and a willow tree.

From the moment Marshall left for Minnesota...

Gary Blauman rules.

Gary Blauman?

Gary Blauman.

Gary Blauman's here. I had no idea he was coming. His reply card got lost.

GARY: I'm not Taft. I'm Teddy.

GARY: Knock what off, bro?

GARY: Oh. So the fact that you're the incumbent means she should just pick you?

GARY: Yeah, right. Go sign the Payne Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft.

Gary's the guy that I had an affair with.

Georgio Arms Are Not The Same Lengthy?

Get you head out of your ass. It looks like they're casting Cocoon 3 out there.

Getting started?

Getting the car, sir.

Go for Barney.

Go Vikings!

Go, Pack, go.

God, today's gonna be all downhill from here.

God, you're just as perverted as Barney.

Good night.

Good thing there's no guest on either side of you.

Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle. You know, my grandma always says...

Got stuck in a snowstorm, spooned to stay warm... At least, that's your story.

Grammar is the first step on the thousand mile journey to accuracy.

Grandma sitting next to the band, divorced couples one table away from each other?

Great, because I actually brought a different dress I'd like to wear.

Great. And while you do that, I'll check in on the ring bear.

Great. And while you do that, I'll check in on the ring bear.

Great. It's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?

Guess where he found it.

Guy in a scuba suit, just walking down Broadway.

Guys, Barney may be dead.

Guys, wait.

Guys, we need to go back to the hotel.

Guys...

Ha ha ha. Oh, Barney, my dear boy...

Ha, ha! I've made enormous strides since you last saw me, dear.

Ha, ha. I'm sorry, I couldn't tell, you're acting like it's any other Sunday morning.

Ha, ha. Just don't break any lamps like your friends Barney and Robin.

Ha, ha. Let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.

Hang on there, Marshmallow.

Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?

Happened when she went to Paris in college.

Hate to tell you, Lilypad...

Have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life.

Have you been avoiding Barney?

He can't take a bad photo.

He has all six of my collections.

He has no idea we had to cancel the photos...

He just said, "I've gotta go teach somebody some manners," and off he went.

He lied so we'd be okay.

He loves us?

He met a girl at work, and it was love at first sight.

He never checked with me before making plans. And our rehearsal dinner? Oh, boy...

He slept with over 20 women.

He still loves me.

He walked all the way home in it, like 20 blocks.

He walked into this sporting goods store, tried on a scuba suit...

He was dying right before my eyes.

He was not "good, thanks" at all.

He was only president for four months before he was assassinated.

He went blind in one eye...

He would always take his mother's side in arguments.

He's an angel.

He's currently working on a collection of travel essays.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He's in the middle of the saltine challenge.

He's not waking up. I'm out of ideas. We've tried everything.

He's really leaving.

He's the one you should thank.

He's trying to eat six saltines in a minute.

Heard it, loved it, called it the greatest coincidence of the 21st century.

Heh, okay, I'll embarrass him.

Heh. I can't believe we kissed today. Weird. Heh.

Heh. Ted.

Hello, handsome.

Hello.

Here already? Well, I have to say...

Here comes the bride.

Here for a romantic weekend away from the kids.

Here we are.

Here we go.

Here, you take it.

Here's the deal: You get to tell us one more interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt.

Here's the part that still keeps me up at night.

Here's the secret, kids. None of us can vow to be perfect.

Hey o. Ha, ha. Wait, now I'm confused. Are you dying?

Hey, Barney.

Hey, do anyone else's balls hurt?

Hey, everyone, next round's on me!

Hey, everyone. Next round's on me.

Hey, I bought him that suit.

Hey, I love your yarns.

Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father?

Hey, Lil, nice dress.

Hey, that is not a toy, you ragamuffin.

Hey, was that a fake jukebox?

Hey, watch it over there.

Hey, we should kiss one more time in front of them...

Hey. Not cool.

Hey. You asked for me?

Hi. Hey, I'm sure you get this question all the time...

Hi. Um, I live downstairs, and I've always wanted to say this to you...

Hide it in a boat.

Hmm, with that secondary, I wouldn't make that promise.

Hold that thought, I just wanna see if I can fix this.

Honestly, it was no big deal.

How are you? Oh, duh.

How could you, Mom?

How dare you speak that name?

How did I only just now realize this?

How did you do that to the jukebox?

How do you decide which one?

How does anybody find anything?

How, at the end, Andre the Giant hooks them up with those horses...

How'd you find it?

Huh. That is much.

I almost killed my wife, Ted.

I almost killed my wife. I almost...

I am here to meet her.

I am in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once...

I am never, ever getting that drunk again.

I am not gonna take marriage advice from a couple who just got in a gigantic fight.

I am not kidding around here. Tell me where you are.

I am not your future. Barney is.

I am so busted.

I am so glad we made it. That snowstorm was getting really bad.

I am so sorry. Are you okay? That was totally my fault.

I ate too much bacon.

I backpacked there in college.

I can keep a secret real good.

I can't believe how much trouble you went through to get this for me.

I can't believe Jed made us promise not to watch this.

I can't believe my great grandparents still do that.

I can't believe that mini mart sold Tantrum. It's been discontinued for years.

I can't believe you have this book.

I can't go higher than 10.

I can't go through with this wedding.

I can't go through with this.

I can't shake it.

I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.

I can't violate our hotel privacy policy...

I can't wait to be inside you.

I can't wait to see the photos.

I can't. It's in vow luntary.

I care. Okay, now you're good.

I did. I had my boy Timmy G. Make the perfect wedding suit.

I didn't bring the suit I wore to our wedding.

I didn't find it. You found it.

I do.

I don't know, she bailed on my scrapbook...

I don't know. I just... I like boats.

I don't like the person you become when you read.

I don't like this.

I don't love flying, I must admit.

I don't want Ted to have to sit through this movie.

I don't want you to be the guy who lives in his stories.

I feel better.

I feel kind of bad that Ted and Marshall missed it.

I feel kind of guilty about it. I know how badly Lily wanted to move to Italy.

I finally found the one, Marshall. Her name is Bacon.

I forgot to mention there's a bit of a back story to this particular slap.

I got left at the altar, Barney.

I got that beat. So I was ordering fries...

I got what I thought was the worst haircut.

I gotta get help.

I gotta go. Bye.

I guess it's official.

I guess let's go find Blauman and tell him the good news.

I guess some people just never have that holy crap this is my wedding moment.

I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.

I had no idea it would fly off like that.

I hadn't learned accuracy and so I couldn't control it.

I hated looking at it.

I have a better tie at home. It's cornflower blue. It's cornflower blue!

I have a gay question for you.

I have much gold.

I have seen the face of God.

I have to alert the villagers that there is a Viking amongst them.

I have to get out of here.

I haven't been on a plane in years...

I haven't met him already, have I?

I hope they do. Although I might wanna request a single.

I hope you are quite well

I hope you never stop spinning them.

I just finished reading it. Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

I just mean Weekend at Barney's is way more amazing...

I just met him earlier today.

I just worry about you.

I knew those shrooms tasted like Sea Monkeys.

I know it's a lot, but I don't wanna screw up this wedding thing.

I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony, but I realized something.

I know Robin's not the girliest girl, but you'd think on her wedding day...

I know this story too.

I know what you're wondering.

I know you're trying to freak me out, but like I said, it's not working.

I know, but we're gonna get there and it'll be...

I know, I almost couldn't get through it with a straight face.

I know. I know that's unfair of me to expect that, but...

I lied. Barney said it was in Marshall and Lily's basement.

I love that guy.

I love you guys.

I love you so much.

I made love to White Flower.

I mean, "Fix graffiti on 96th and Amsterdam"?

I mean, come on.

I mean, even your Uncle Jim, you know, his gay black brother...

I mean, for instance, do you know that before he was engaged to me...

I mean, it's got everything: Intrigue, betrayal, lamps.

I mean, it's kind of sweet.

I mean, look at that color.

I mean, look me in the eye and tell me, why shouldn't I be with that guy?

I mean, the man's initials are "B.S."

I mean, there's so much you don't know about your father.

I mean, tomorrow morning, Ted's leaving for Chicag...

I mean, yeah, I know her from that commercial.

I mean...

I need someone to teach me how to slap my friend just, like, really hard...

I need you to help me pick the suit I'm gonna wear when I walk down the aisle.

I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking.

I remember your precious wedding vows...

I retired long ago.

I say again. Bloody Mary? Sounds...

I say shine that Bat Signal even for small stuff...

I should be back in time for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

I should just go back to being a manager at Structure.

I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my... Oh, what the hell.

I solved it.

I think I'd better not say where I am.

I think it's fine. Nice tie.

I think so.

I think their biggest problem was that Marshall didn't tell Lily the truth.

I thought I should give you your space, like a dying cat.

I thought nothing I said or did could intimidate you anymore.

I told those idiots these death rods are not welcome here.

I told you guys I could keep a secret.

I totally solved it.

I vow here and now that I shall never again get that drunk in my life.

I vow to always sit next to you and hug you even if you're covered in vomit.

I vow to cry less during this pregnancy.

I vow to cry less during this Vikings season.

I vow to finally stop petitioning Paul McCartney...

I vow to honor and respect you.

I vow to keep at least 80 percent of these vows.

I vow to keep the romantic spark alive.

I vow to make you breakfast in bed every Sunday morning.

I vow to stop getting so angry...

I vow to stop pointing out every dog erection when we walk through the park.

I want to enjoy the suspense a little bit first.

I wanted you to have this.

I warn you, Captain.

I warn you, Captain.

I warn you, Marshall. I was on the Olympic fencing team.

I was about to take Lily's rehearsal dinner dress to the dry cleaner.

I was at the bar.

I was freaking out a little earlier, but Lily and Marshall calmed me down. I'm okay.

I was gonna give it to Robin as a surprise...

I was pretending to be Mandy Patinkin.

I was so upset, your grandpa went behind the church...

I was surprised when you called.

I was thinking we could chug some memories, instead.

I wasn't being held slaptive, I chose to stay and complete my training.

I will keep eating and eating and eating... Oh, God, help me, I'm going down.

I wish that I were.

I wish we could help him out the way he helped us.

I won't let it.

I...

I...

I'll admit, I didn't expect Red Bird, master of speed, to be a girl.

I'll be doing the Charleston atop my giant wheeled bicycle...

I'll be taking the train home.

I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this:

I'll do it! I swear to God I'll do it!

I'll forgive you.

I'll never have cold pizza again.

I'll never have cold pizza again.

I'll protect you, Robin.

I'll say it again. Vow za.

I'll say it again. Vower...

I'll see you up there.

I'll take a test when I get home. It can wait.

I'll take it with me to my grave.

I'll tell you in a minute.

I'm 34.

I'm a Columbia educated lawyer, poised to become ajudge before age 35.

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Oh! Unh.

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ooh!

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ugh.

I'm assuming there's no Mrs. The Calligrapher.

I'm doing fine on my own.

I'm fine.

I'm free. It's over.

I'm gonna be fine. I made a vow, remember?

I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson in his stupid face.

I'm gonna sue everyone involved with this film.

I'm gonna try to hip check my way into some free Tropical Skittles.

I'm just being cautious.

I'm kidding.

I'm more worried about taking vows with this pile of garbage in a few hours.

I'm not even gonna... Just, whatever.

I'm not found by myself

I'm not nervous. Who's nervous? No one needs to be nervous.

I'm not running away. I'm moving on.

I'm not. We've both been busy.

I'm now a guy who got left at the altar.

I'm okay.

I'm out, okay? You eat the bacon.

I'm ready to give my decision.

I'm ready too.

I'm ready.

I'm so sorry, I wasn't clear.

I'm so sorry, Ted. I really like you.

I'm sorry to interrupt...

I'm sorry, but my slapping days are over.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm sorry, did I hear you talking about The Wedding Bride?

I'm sorry, did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?

I'm sorry, I don't understa...

I'm sorry, I thought you said you were a friend of Barney Stinson.

I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight.

I'm sorry, that would violate hotel privacy policy.

I'm sorry, you're saying "ring bearer," right?

I'm starting to feel like this was a mistake.

I'm writing my vows to Robin.

I've been trying to get these right for weeks.

I've decided to make only one vow to you...

I've got a lifetime without bacon to make up for.

I've got some work to do. Excuse me.

I've pretended to have a duel with actual swords.

If I ever were to lose you

If it's about your hair, I didn't even notice. Especially not from the back.

If only that were true.

If Ted didn't want me to eat it, he should've put a note on it.

If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place?

In 60 years, that'll be us, right?

In a moment like that, when what's really happening is too intense to deal with...

In a way he was...

In certain tidal conditions, if you had a protected inlet...

In search of the first master.

In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got.

In the middle of the night before any important interview I've ever had.

Interesting.

Is it really such a surprise?

Is livin' there, I hear

Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography? Coolest guy ever.

Is that...

Isn't the Highland region known for its clumps?

Isn't there some universal guy rule to wait four days to call a girl?

It can't wait.

It can't wait.

It doesn't always go well for her.

It even inspired a popular Chinese children's book.

It happened when she moved to San Francisco and last week, it happened again.

It has been a long weekend.

It is not one great master you seek, but three.

It might be in your pencil box. It's not.

It must be learned with great devotion and respect.

It said "Ahoy."

It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom to take him back.

It was 2006. Marshall and I had broken up. I was back in New York, feeling vulnerable...

It was a stroke of luck on par with the 50 page manuscript in Roosevelt's pocket...

It was a wedding gift.

It was at a party.

It was like a suit made for someone...

It was supposed to be a victory party.

It was supposed to be a victory party.

It was the perfect combination of slutty and classy.

It would've been one thing if he took one of my fries. One thing.

It'll be painful, but I can root for the Blackhawks.

It's a girl?

It's a list of all the things I wanna do before I leave New York.

It's a long story.

It's a poignant parable whose message is if you love someone, set them free.

It's a suit that's never been worn before. A suit you never dreamed you'd wear.

It's almost chocolaty in its richness...

It's as if my face, my psyche, my soul were covered in that numbing cream...

It's by my bed back in Manhattan. Stall for me. I'll be back in six hours, tops.

It's fine, we'll race down to the front desk and get a key before anyone notices us.

It's good that I ran into you.

It's his wedding day. Guys do weird things on their wedding day.

It's in the daisy.

It's just too soon for me to be dating. I think I should head home.

It's just too soon for me to be dating. I think I should head home.

It's kind of insane how much happened in just a day and a half.

It's like the dude who kept having women show up dead at his staircase.

It's like, "What, do we say goodbye again or...?" Unh.

It's like, relax, Ted.

It's me and your grandpa on our wedding day.

It's mine. It's my list.

It's my ex boyfriend.

It's no big deal. You should be flattered.

It's normal. It's totally normal.

It's not cheesy.

It's not even my move. If I was gonna do anything...

It's okay, I'm fine.

It's over. I'll let it go.

It's right where you picked me up.

It's Scottish Mexican fusion.

It's stupid. I'm stupid.

It's suicide.

It's the city equivalent of being slapped in the face.

It's the largest of the Slappalachian Mountains.

It's written by someone who loves New York.

Itch. Look, if you're really nervous...

Jeanette intercepts it, throws it in Central Park Lake.

Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine to Val Kilmer.

Just because there's a character based on him?

Just don't point and scream, "Maybe it's Maybelline."

Just give me a 20, Mr. Mosby.

Just let me finish. But the second batch...

Just like we've all never sat on our left hand until it fell asleep...

Kind of strange to spend those hours watching a terrible movie, right?

Knocking out serpents, busting down castle doors.

Know what you should use next time you run out of toilet paper? Your vows.