How I Met Your Mother (2005) - Season 5 Edit

A

A bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bangity bang

A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin.

A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker...

A circuit court judge...

A college bar? Man, we're probably gonna run into my students.

A college notebook?

A fifth and sixth wheel.

A filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza

A football, which isn't round, but it's still technically a ball,

A girl with daddy issues

A great guy like Don is rare.

A guy like you, beard, no mustache.

A human heart.

A little more effort would be nice.

A lot of names over the years.

A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser.

A New York City Police boat

A Perfect Week!

A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer,

A stay at home mom... That's a job, too, guys.

A super time will be had by Barney on his date with Anita.

A teacup pig? Who's that working on?

A true gentleman invents a pretense to lure an honorable lady into his apartment,

About how many girls Barney's been banging lately.

About our cooking lessons and our camping trips.

About students and professors dating is really strict.

About the breakup. I was going through my mourning period.

About what kind of teacher I was going to be.

Actually, Anita's going after Barney because I told her to.

Actually, I think it's kind of sweet.

Actually, it's my roommate's.

Actually, she was doing much better

Actually, that is kind of hot.

Actually, you know what it was?

Adiós, triplet schnauzers, Frank, Lloyd, and Wright.

After a day of fighting fires,

After midnight? No way. We can't Tabooty call them, it's pathetic.

Ah, now this feels right.

Ah, tweed. Textile of the eunuch.

Ah!

Ah. It can wait. (CHUCKLES)

Ah. What did you say?

Aha! You're trying that, Of Course You're Still Single.

Ain't no party like a pharma girl party 'Cause a pharma girl party don't stop

All by ourselves

All by ourselves anymore

All by ourselves...

All by ourselves...

All night long, she's hot and heavy for me.

All of our spa treatments are designed for couples.

All right, come on. Let me have it. Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes.

All right, he's just been like, bang, bang, bang!

All right, I guess they're not idiots.

All right, kid, let's hear the story, from the beginning.

All right, kid. Let's check the scouting report.

All right, let's hit the road.

All right, next stop, Chicago.

All right, Scotter, one question about neo classical architecture

All right, shut it, woman.

All right, so what did I do wrong next? Let me have it. I'm here to learn.

All right, we gotta fix this.

All right, you know what, Scotty, you're crowding us. Hit the bricks.

All right.

All right.

All right. I'd go with the slider.

All right. Suit yourself.

All that sexlessness has made you wise.

All that stuff becomes useless.

All that stuff I told Barney,

All three of you shared one toothbrush?

ALL: Oh!

ALL: Oh.

ALL: Super weird.

Almost exclusively.

Also weird, by the way.

Also, don't look right here.

Also, who's got the worst pizza in New York?

Although I think I glimpsed her foot.

Although, I can't say I haven't been offered.

Although, one interesting thing did happen.

Am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing?

Am I right, people?

Amateurs. Hey.

Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week.

Amen, sister.

Amen.

American money? Didn't watch the Leafs game?

Among other things.

An architect must be economical in his use of space, so...

An espresso, a latte, a decaf... Oh, hi, Robin.

An important job they had, well, forgotten to do.

An out of town wedding. It was finally happening.

And a healthy splash of Drakkar Noir.

And a love hate relationship with Gargamel.

And a poncho for the 10:30 Jell O show.

And a real lunch lady can get her job back.

And a singular hunger to satisfy my every carnal need?

And a singular hunger to satisfy my lover's every carnal need.

And a Smurfs T shirt, is just being ironic.

And a trampoline turned out to be too dangerous.

And after an appropriate number of years,

And another weird thing about my roommate,

And arranged itself in a perfect semi circle

And at twelve o' clock, a rotund couple going at it against the glass.

And Barney's being blamed for it.

And be all, " I don't know. It's not that I don't like you.

And both of our ladies are totally cool with it.

And boy, did he have a way with the ladies.

And by the end of it, she said...

And deep down, we all needed that Perfect Week.

And do you know who's always, usually, on the other end? A chick.

And don't charge for Wi Fi. It seems greedy!

And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you.

And feelings get hurt. It's a mess.

And fell in horse sex crement.

And figure out what else we do wrong on first dates.

And frankly, I'm still angry at the Empire.

And from here on out, that's gonna be me.

And fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time.

And get you back to New York for that test.

And getting her the hell out of here.

And God forbid, if you can't find another job, sell your place.

And got splattered like a watermelon in one of them Gallagher shows.

And grab me a pudding.

And had a bong made out of a cantaloupe.

And he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on.

And he... He just walked, walked right on by it.

And he's awesome.

And he's the best friend I've ever had.

And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains.

And his name, Jeff Foxworthy. Thank you.

And I don't belong.

And I don't know, it's weird. I already feel like seconds.

And I don't wanna take the subway, 'cause, you know, germs.

And I don't want to miss out on knowing you.

And I don't wear glasses.

And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight.

And I have no idea where she's going with this.

And I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world.

And I know my shellfish pun is stupid, but the truth is,

And I love my wife more and more every day.

And I really don't want to screw up our friendship.

And I say, " I'm a PhD candidate

And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity.

And I will not rest until those...

And I would walk 500 more...

And I would walk 500 more...

And I'd hate myself if what I did hurt you in any way,

And I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching.

And I'm here to fix your backward ass country.

And I'm just giving up?

And I'm spending Valentine's Day scrubbing the toilet.

And if anything didn't go according to plan, they would freak out.

And if she does say, "I love you,"

And if the alternative is not being together,

And if you don't have time for all that,

And if you're in a real rush, you don't even have to say "I'm sorry."

And in return you'd never grow old?

And insulting me in the process.

And it didn't much matter what kind.

And it doesn't even have to be a current Yankee. When I first moved here,

And it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it.

And it totally sex. But, I can't turn around, because a jogger slipped

And it's about to crash into an art museum with all of your favorite paintings,

And it's not just that, it's other things.

And it's really better for the circulation if you knead the arches with your thumbs.

And Jenkins ate the whole jar!

And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink,

And just spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red.

And no amount of success will ever make up

And no matter how hard you try to fight it, couples need other couples.

And not a single fatty. It's impressive.

And not at least try and figure out what you mean to each other.

And not entirely my fault

And now I can't cancel because I said I would go out with him on the air.

And now that I think about it, not as well lit.

And now that we're best couple friends

And now, apparently, I might end up getting deported.

And now, she's off sulking God knows where.

And one lucky patient will be receiving a very special chocolate heart,

And one seven years earlier.

And our future children, and our future cat or monkey,

And photo montages documenting various mundane events.

And plow her like a cornfield.

And plow her like a cornfield.

And plus, it sounds awesome!

And prayed to the Gods

And punch her right in the nose. Give her a knuckle sandwich!

And put off cleaning the bathroom with.

And rip his stupid clothes off,

And rule number three, never feed them after midnight,

And she can quote every line from Caddyshack!

And she thought I was a complete idiot.

And she thought, "Hey, free lodging."

And she will be 'cause I'll wear my nice blazer.

And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty.

And since you live with Ted, they had to find someplace safe.

And so are you.

And so hot women put on high heels and became stewardesses.

And so, hot girls rolled into doctors' offices, looking sexy enough to render

And so, Lily, I guess what I'm saying is, it happened.

And so, Marshall, to honor Lily, you must find

And some people imagine they're being interviewed by renowned sportscaster,

And somehow, right now, you're both.

And sometimes, you just lose focus, and it almost always leads to a hit.

And speaking of rare, prime rib. Don't forget. Thank you.

And speaking of things that are less awesome,

And starts gyrating like some sort of deranged stripper.

And Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria?

And tell him that there's no way that you could ever be with him.

And tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row.

And that ass? I would wear that thing for a hat.

And that word is "no."

And that's lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil.

And that's my bad leg.

And that's my bad leg.

And that's my story.

And that's when I saw it,

And that's why I did this and I'm sorry.

And that's your superdate

And the Belgian waffle locked and loaded.

And the childhood obesity it leads to, who is this?

And the guys you don't want to call you, who always do.

And the more you touch it, the softer it gets.

And the next thing I know, they're inviting me

And the only way, the only way to save everything,

And the sport of sleeping with random hotties

And their professor all got the room wrong.

And then I found out my aunt's in the hospital.

And then man said, " Life is hard.

And then man took to the skies.

And then one tiny little detail came out

And then watch out, because it is on!

And then we were gonna sit around telling funny stories

And then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you,

And then you kidnapped me. You didn't even let me put on underwear!

And then, boom!

And then, I told her everything. It just came pouring out.

And then, on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m. for the fall foliage hike.

And then, once you're off the phone with Lily,

And then, there's Tabby Gail Adams, the jester of the group.

And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me?

And there's about to be one more story. I'm gonna bang Jenkins.

And there's kids playing hockey on the back.

And there's the Chrysler Building. And the Empire State Building.

And they all have Elton John on the back.

And they are my best friends,

And they didn't even bill me. Idiots.

And they kept shoving platters of food in our faces.

And they use "Ulee" because of the vowels.

And throw chairs at people here, you have to do this.

And thus began the most humiliating seven minutes of my life.

And thus ends the tale of the Sexless Innkeeper.

And thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna get fired.

And true, my mom says she doesn't have the hips to birth an Eriksen child, but it...

And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week.

And waited.

And we have catered to couples ever since.

And we were gonna go on camping trips together,

And we were wondering if maybe you wanted to come.

And we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken.

And what do you plan on doing with it?

And what does frat guy say to that?

And what, I wonder, does Donald Duck never wear?

And where are your pants?

And why is it almost entirely dudes?

And with all these accomplishments though,

And years later, I found out this poor bastard was on Henrietta 's hook.

And yet, he is only remembered for one thing.

And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe,

And you can bring home some prime rib for my friend Marshall.

And you can't knock her up 'cause it's a dream.

And you chewed on the end of this recently.

And you deserve a co anchor who gives a crap.

And you need to cut her out of your life forever.

And you realize, "Wait a second, it's a duck."

And you will cry for the third time that night.

And you, sir, the rabbit or the duck?

And you. You know,

And you're the only one for me, baby.

And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back.

And,

And, depending on how things are going, some lively pre dinner charades.

And, frankly, more creative.

And, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden.

And, it scares away guys who are only interested in getting laid.

And, kids, it wasn't pretty.

And, kids, Lily and Marshall's hard work had paid off,

And, kids, that's the first time I ever saw your mother's little yellow bus.

And, Lil, Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble

And, yes. We can.

And, you know, the stats, they really speak for themselves.

ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, say hello to (STAMMERING) Jasmine.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...

Any questions?

Any word from Dale?

Anyhoo, we can't stay long.

Anyone?

Anything, buddy. What is it?

Anyway, I just don't think you and I are gonna work.

Anyway, Lisa Walker strung me along for months

Anyway, next thing you know, I get her back to my place.

Anyway, speaking of food, Marshall, I've got some bad news.

Apparently, she says it a lot.

Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson.

Architect?

Architecture's fun! Look! I brought a Hacky Sack!

Are all on a plane piloted by Oprah,

Are impeccably well dressed

Are these yours?

Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system?

Are you coming back to bed, Professor?

Are you free next Saturday?

Are you free?

Are you free? Are you free?

Are you free? Are you free?

Are you getting any of this?

Are you gonna order a drink

Are you guys... Ducks are... Ducks are...

Are you happy, Truthy McGee?

Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles

Aren't we supposed to go on a double date with Ted?

Around not three, not four,

As friends to give you some song and dance.

As long as you're happy, I'm happy.

As man mastered technology, the hottest profession of the day evolved.

As performed by an English muffin is, to this day,

As the woman I'm married to, then I'd admit it. But she's not.

At one of the surest signs of taking a relationship to the next level,

Attention, Canada!

Auditing?

Authoritative or cool guy.

Aw, duck.

Aw. You're giving Mabel away?

Awesome! I bet the guys were going crazy.

Awesome. Okay, I'll see you in, like, 10 minutes?

Awesome. What really happened?

B t dub, I called ahead, it's lime.

Baby, cut it out of me.

Baby, we can do this.

Baby, you don't have to pretend other women aren't attractive

Baby, you should be able to fantasize about another woman

Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips

Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack.

Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang bang, bang, bangity bang

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bangity bang

Bang, bang, bangity bang

Bang, bang, bangity bang

Bang, bang, bangity bang

Bang, bang, bangity bang

Bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang bang...

Bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang, bang, bangity bang

Barack Obama, Jr?

Barney and I are barely equipped to date each other, let alone you guys.

Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas.

Barney and Robin finally, well...

Barney had turned Robin into a real American.

Barney was taking a night school class taught by me.

Barney, are you awake?

Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?

Barney, Barney, let it go to voicemail.

Barney, I trust you. I regret I even asked you the question, okay.

Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so, apparently, you do. Think about that.

Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her.

Barney, I'm not taking the test.

Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up.

Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend.

Barney, I've thought about this.

Barney, if you're not gonna take her out on 17 dates,

Barney, she's just going to pretend to like you

Barney, we gotta stop you for a second. There's something I have to ask.

Barney, we know you might get fired. Wait. You have to talk about this.

Barney, when I get in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine,

Barney, when you were with this girl,

Barney, why are we here?

Barney, you lied to me.

Barney, you ready for brunch with Lily and Marshall?

BARNEY: A member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees.

BARNEY: I found that a slot machine was too fun.

BARNEY: It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge.

BARNEY: Man was a hunter.

BARNEY: Mmm.

BARNEY: Oh, you're still seeing that guy?

BARNEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Girlfriend? Hey, come on.

Barney!

Barney!

Barney?

Barney?

Barney?

Barney.

Barney. This is not a one night stand. We're dating. Come back to bed.

Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning.

Barney's not the type of guy who would... Go on.

Barney's phone. I wonder how it got in there.

Barney's phone. Teddy West Side speaking.

Barney's whole life is a cry for help.

Based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic, and wants to 96 me.

Bastard!

Be cool, baby. Damn.

Be more attentive to where she is emotionally.

Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have.

Beauchemin went five hole in OT.

Because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you.

Because for the next week, I'll be sleeping with hundreds of women,

Because I am now in possession of a magic phone that always rings.

Because I'm angry at you! I'm angry at me! I'm angry at Ted!

Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back.

Because it was exactly the same.

Because my visa is about to expire.

Because of that? Come on. That's my thing.

Because Robin is already his girlfriend.

Because that girl was terrific. In fact...

Because that is just some sweet, sweet loving.

Because the people who wear them are constantly going,

Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time.

Because Tiffany said she'll "try to stop by"?

Because we have a couples' hike in the morning.

Because we went ahead and booked

Because, guess what? You don't want her?

Beer here!

Before she hops on your disco stick.

Before the light changes. Anyway, everyone's honking at me.

Being up here, it's... It's good practice for me.

Best bros.

Best night ever Then we played charades

Best night ever!

Big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs,

Big Fudge can make her jealous.

Blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver.

Blondes, brunettes, redheads.

Boobs.

Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs, on top.

BOTH: Ding.

Bowl?

Bowl.

Bowl.

Bowl.

Bowl.

Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.

Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan,

Boy, this girl that Barney's going after, she kind of sounds like the anti Barney.

Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend.

Brad, we can't fight like this all night!

Brian Glowatz, Glowatz? Hi.

Bring out Stripper Lily!

Buckle up, Jimbo. This one's a doozy.

But a very cute idiot.

But after I married Helen,

But as your Uncle Barney was about to find out,

But before we go any further,

But could you maybe not murder me?

But Don was not.

But don't you have to get back up to the inn?

But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess.

But even when I do, I feel so guilty

But first, I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant

But five different kinds of sturdy, cheese bearing crackers?

But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste.

But how about this?

But how did you find me, anyway?

But how do these things even work? What do we say?

But how great is it to drink some Tantrum again?

But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams.

But I did what I had to do.

But I didn't. So, after that, whenever I talked about Jenkins,

But I don't think he speaks much English.

But I feel a real connection here, Seven. Christy.

But I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow.

But I guess you're right.

But I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex boyfriend.

But I had no idea I'd be so much worse at being an ex boyfriend.

But I have to imagine Robin said something like that.

But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake.

But I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show.

But I was an idiot back then.

But I'll get to that.

But I'm glad we stuck it out.

But I'm sort of seeing this guy.

But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight.

But if that's true, that's awesome.

But it also says, "Don't teach drunk," and I do that all the time.

But it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing.

But it was actually on Robin.

But it's round like a ball,

But like I said, it happened.

But maybe I should have put aside

But nobody stands me up like that, so, are we going out or what?

But not in ours.

But not so interesting that it overpowers the night.

But now he realized it wasn't that at all.

But now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place.

But now it's like you've disappeared into Lily.

But one of these days, you're gonna realize,

But one thing is sure.

But she is no crazy, jealous stalker bitch. Let go.

But she looks just like you.

But she's keeping you around, just in case, like an old can of chili in the pantry.

But so does my oldest brother, Marvin Jr. Anyway,

But that guy's a lost cause.

But that means...

But that morning, Don had gone too far.

But that's not why I was embarrassed.

But that's Scotty. He's one of my students, and he's looking at me.

But the fact is, we also can't live without each other.

But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there.

But the most important facial expression of all?

But the truth is that will never happen.

But then came night five, and with it, trouble.

But then I found the perfect bait.

But then one day, you look at it,

But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called.

But there's...

But this changes everything.

But this crust is so good. What is the secret to this crust?

But this week, you were three for three, with no sign of slowing down.

But um, but um, but um, but um, but um, but um, but um, but um...

But we had no idea how much.

But we respect you guys too much

But we're not even, like, going out for dinner.

But we're still getting married, right?

But we're still stopping for chili dogs first.

But what I've got with Robin proves that you can have a girlfriend

But what she does have is a very special set of skills.

But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago.

But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper.

But when we dial the telephone

But who's cozier?

But you are belligerently sticking to your guns,

But you can call me Ted.

But you didn't do the check dance.

But you don't mess with a man when he's in the middle of a...

But you have to know, I stopped it right away,

But you have to understand, back then I was still really upset

But you heard her. She wants to do it again, soon.

But you're not just another number to me.

But, before any of that, we're gonna do it on this bed

But, Robin, if you want to live here, work here,

But, Ted, don't feel bad. We've all been there.

But, um, if there's any college kids watching,

But, um, if you had to summarize your book, in 30 words or less.

But, um!

But, um... But, um... But, um... But, um... But, um...

But, um... But, um... But, um... But, um... But, um... But, um...

But, yeah, I caught her crying a couple times.

But, you guys, you're the best pickers I know.

But, you know, it's not going to be easy, this test.

But...

But...

But...

But... Just "but," no "um." Just "but."

Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women.

By saying "no" constantly and consistently,

By that point, I didn't have time to think

By the following summer, we would find the remaining two doppelgangers,

By the way, four eyes, new lawyer. This is Jenkins.

Bye bye, two kids I raised with a stern yet loving hand,

CALZONETTl: Sorry I'm late, everyone.

Can anyone here tell me what this class is really all about?

Can I still come?

Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard?

Can we have class outside?

Can we have class outside?

Can we see the teacup pig?

Can we talk?

Can you hear this, Professor? Or should I turn it up for you?

Can't maintain residency for longer than six months without a work visa. Sorry.

Canada isn't across the Atlantic.

Car keys, please.

Case in point...

Cat funeral

Cat funeral

Cat sitting for Lily's mom

Cat sitting for Lily's mom

Check out this perfect rack

Chicago.

Class dismissed.

Classy, elegant.

Clearly.

Come again for Big Fudge?

Come here, you two.

Come on, baby. You want some soup?

Come on, dude. You know you want to.

Come on, guys. It's gotta at least sound real. Cook Pu?

Come on, Lily. You have to get Scooter off the hook. Now try again.

Come on, Marshall. Just admit that she's hotter than me.

Come on, okay, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name,

Come on, Robin.

Come on, they just got excited.

Come on, we're going to go get trashed on the roof.

Come on, you got to admit, that's kind of funny, Lily.

Come on!

Come on. That stuff doesn't really work, does it?

Come on. That's crazy.

Compared to your action hero ex boyfriend who you wouldn't stop talking about.

Considerate, sweet.

Constant, ego shattering uncertainty.

Cook didn't show up for class today.

Cook Pu.

Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.

Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week.

Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise

Cornmeal.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember that date going that well.

Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy?

Correct! What is Robin's dream job?

Crawl for it, stripper me. This is awesome, baby.

Crumpet Manor is listed in the American registry of historic bed and breakfasts.

Cut it out!

D cups? Really?

Damn it, Hordichuk! You miss another gimme like that,

Damn it! I've read the thing cover to cover and I can't find a loophole.

Damn it! Swisher's back in play.

Damn it.

Damn you, Gazzola's! (GROANS)

Damn! Sorry.

Definitely, ducks are better than rabbits.

Defusing the bomb.

Delivery for Marshall Eriksen.

Depending on who wins the game of Risk we've been playing for three years.

Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux Arts style,

Did he juggle? Bad puns?

Did I not tell you guys that it was Tuxedo Night?

Did one of your whores tell you that?

Did she make excuses to establish physical contact with you?

Did she suddenly slip the word "sex" into the conversation?

Did somebody fancy herself the hottest girl in the bar?

Did you go somewhere, sweetie?

Did you hear that?

Did you know that before intercourse,

Did you two ladies lose some weight?

Did you watch the Jets game?

Didn't we meet on a yacht?

Disc eight.

Distract me? That is so condescending.

Do I know any rodeo clowns?

Do it.

Do it.

Do not call me T Dawg.

Do not talk about Dale that way, okay! He is twice the man you will ever be!

Do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request?

Do you enjoy sitting on a bench?

Do you have a problem with this class?

Do you have any split pea left?

Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a...

Do you know who else would love this teacup pig?

Do you maybe want to, like, go out with me?

Do you really think she'd be all that jealous?

Do you really think you might get fired today?

Do you remember the first day of classes last semester?

Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price?

Does anyone know who won the Super Bowl?

Does lefty like that?

Does lefty like that?

Does she really say "but, um" that much?

Does she text her mother with those fingers?

Doesn't feel very good, does it?

Doesn't mean he's not husband material.

Don?

Don?

Don.

Don's a duck.

Don't cry in front of her four times.

Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke.

Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women.

Don't want to be

Don't worry, we'll get out on the road, it'll be just like old times.

Don't you guys have, like, a toothbrush to share, or something?

Don't you see how constantly talking about your conquests

Duck is delicious. Rabbit is all gamey!

Ducks are good.

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in a pharma girl free for all!

Dude, don't look at it. That's a rookie mistake.

Dude, I've already hooked up with three of them.

Dude, if you tell me you have a thing for a woman that is not your wife,

Dude, it was pretty awesome.

Dude, it's a barrel!

Dude, Lily gets you in real life.

Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar.

Dude, why are we pulling onto the highway?

Dude, why would you do that?

Dude, you are so the reacher. You're getting her a horse.

Dude, you've been a real jerk in front of Robin

Dude, your pants were already off,

Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay?

Due out in June. We'll be right back.

During the role playing exercises.

Econ 305?

Economics 305 has been taught right here in Building 14, Room 7.

Economics?

Eh? Eh?

Eh.

Eh. I did something worse in it after The Phantom Menace premiere.

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

Enter, a dame.

Even at the apartment.

Even better, seeing him naked. What!

Even if it means finding ourselves on another blind date with each other

Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that,

Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "l" to a "we."

Ever since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella,

Ever.

Ever.

Every bro on the go needs to know That there's no accepted substitute

Every day?

Every good relationship has a reacher and a settler.

Every single person in this room is already an architect.

Every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business.

Every time you say "but, um," they do a shot.

Everybody loved me.

Everyone knows that.

Everything's as perky as we've always imagined!

Exactly. And I feel awful about it.

Exactly. Barney's dating again and he couldn't be happier.

Exactly. One person reaches for someone out of their league,

Except for a woman who appreciates a fine cravat.

Except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex.

Excuse me, is anyone using this?

Excuse me. Coming through.

Excuse me. Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet.

Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check?

Fad, flip, flop, wing

Fantazmo. Plus, my cholesterol is down, my Restless Leg Syndrome is cured.

Federal law expressly dictates that a foreign national

Fifty. One for each state.

Finding the perfect balance between father and friend.

Fine!

Finish our drinks, go out in the alley and whip stuff.

Fireworks over the Manhattan skyline, you kiss her...

First of all, you can ignore all the e mails and texts we've sent you.

First of millions! What if our kids get married?

First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of these suits.

First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip to Vermont.

Flared nostril ridges.

Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes.

Flipped the cushion Now everything's okay

Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting.

For a boat ride around the city.

For a little couples' night.

For charades.

For example, every time I spot a grammatical error, I do a shot.

For generations to come.

For Pete's sake. Well, I gotta go talk to her. I gotta apologize.

For real this time.

For reasons I can't explain, Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition.

For shame, sir. For shame!

For so long, it had been just me and him,

For the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around.

For the second time.

For the so called hot bartender.

For what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad,

For wonders and amazement served up on a silver plate

For you to be an American, we got to get the Canadian out of you.

Friday or Sunday would also work. Or basically any other day.

From Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for a Gazzola's pizza.

From embarrassing myself in public.

From this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind.

Fueled by desire and lust

Fueled by desire, lust,

Funny, I was picturing a guy. Anyhoo, lunch?

Geez, Lily, it's not like I remember all of them.

Geez, Ted, when are you gonna get your life together?

Gentlemen, I'm a faculty member, and you're underage,

Get 50% off at the bookstore, so that's pretty sweet.

Get a load of that guy.

Get lucky after the 12th date.

Get out there. Find me a girl. We'll double date on Valentine's Day.

Get out.

Get some food in her quick, or one of two things will happen.

Get to the point!

Getting picked, I'm good at. Ladies love Teddy West Side.

Giddy what up.

Girls will go and girls will come But there's only one absolute

Give it to me! Give it to me. It's mine. It's mine. It's mine now.

Give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot."

Gladys Reynolds. Nice to make your acquaintance.

Go for Barney.

Go for Barney.

Go for Barney.

Go for Barney. Cut to the chase, what's your cup size?

Go for Barney. Look, I...

Go on.

Go on. Go on.

God help us all.

God, I love being single.

God, my stomach!

God, why won't that guy call?

God, you just get me.

God, you're still drunk.

God. The doorknob's broken off.

Gonna meet my wife and I'm...

Good enough!

Good for them.

Good grief! That's two awkward conversations I have to have today.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good night, Ted.

Good thing the cleaning lady's coming tomorrow.

Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right?

Good. 'Cause if you didn't, that would be mighty shellfish.

Goodbye, Sparky.

Gooey and romantic?

Gosh, I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry.

Gosh, no. Shut up!

Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar

Great.

Great.

Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a Perfect...

Guess who just got four tickets to the Origins of Chewbacca Star Wars exhibit?

Guess who?

Gum ball, a g****fruit, which isn't actually a ball,

Guys are always falling in love with her.

Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big shot.

Guys, great news! Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend.

Guys, guys, guys, we're on me now.

Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week.

Guys, this is her! She wrote the book!

Guys, what's going on?

Guys, why is that kid over there staring at me?

Guys, you can't just keep hooking up

Halfway to China.

Hang on to this girl, Ted. Hang on to her and never let go!

Hard lemonade?

Has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson.

Has their own tale of the Sexless Innkeeper.

Have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake.

Have even the slightest inclination to do anything with your life

Have you ever been in a fight with a duck? I mean, ducks are jerks.

Have you ever used performance enhancing drugs?

Haven't checked it out yet.

He reminded me of my favorite comb.

He was Italian.

He was just so special, you know?

He was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway.

He's 24. He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like Johnny Depp.

He's absolutely right.

He's doing fine.

He's filing assault charges.

He's funny. He's smart. He's handsome.

He's got a LeBaron convertible and an in at the roller rink,

He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something.

He's this hilarious new lawyer at Marshall's office.

Hell, yeah, I'm gay. Gay for you.

Hello, baby

Hello, baby, ooh!

Hello, baby, ooh!

Hello, friends. Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game.

Hello, Robin.

Hello, Ted.

Hello.

Hello. Don't get up.

Hello. Good evening.

Hells, yeah!

Henrietta and I are just friends.

Henrietta knows that we're just friends.

Henrietta was on my hook.

Henrietta, I...

Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt, but I think I owe you this.

Her garb said classy, but her eyes whispered sin.

Her morning show comes on so early we're usually still at the bar,

Her skin glows. Her legs go for miles.

Her.

Here comes a guy!

Here you go, guys, the official hat of Barney's Perfect Week.

Here, I'll get rid of the notebook.

Here.

Here.

Here.

Here's a good one.

Here's what that girl would have said.

Here's your think about it for the day.

Hey, babe, did you know that Robin was going through a mourning period?

Hey, baby, what are you doing home?

Hey, baby? Baby?

Hey, Barney, I want you to meet the newest pharma girl.

Hey, Barney, we're going to order some food.

Hey, Barney. Here's the usual

Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. You want to hear it?

Hey, big brown eyes! How are you doing?

Hey, Bobby!

Hey, Brad.

Hey, by the way, you ditch that loser boyfriend yet?

Hey, check it out. Barney's leaving with another girl.

Hey, do you think they'll have Wookiee to English dictionaries there?

Hey, do you want to go out drinking with us tonight?

Hey, dummy. What did I tell you about smoking in here?

Hey, guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date?

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Good news.

Hey, guys. What you talking about?

Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing?

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, look at me.

Hey, hey. Wanna get married?

Hey, how was the big couples' night with Marshall and Lily?

Hey, how's Barney doing tonight?

Hey, I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I?

Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff

Hey, just real quick.

Hey, Lil. Looks like Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots.

Hey, Lily. I saw you have seventh period free.

Hey, Lily. Nice dress. Tater Tots?

Hey, look, Brad's here.

Hey, Mike, I have to tell you something.

Hey, Nick Swisher, this guy and his wife share a toothbrush!

Hey, on to a new topic.

Hey, so Lily and I are gonna go back to that college bar again,

Hey, so, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook.

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Ted. Great time last night. Let's do it again, soon. I'll call you.

Hey, that reminds me, I have been meaning to ask you.

Hey, there she is.

Hey, there she is.

Hey, this is cute.

Hey, Tiffany.

Hey, wanna come over and look at my snow globe collection?

Hey, what did you think of the game last night?

Hey, why don't we call that weird couple down the hall from you?

Hey, you really think Lily's pissed?

Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times?

Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher!

Hey.

Hey. Before you say anything,

Hey. How'd the date with Dale go?

Hey. We wanted to say we're sorry.

Hey. What's wrong?

Hi, I'm Lily, Marshall's wife.

Hi, Lily. I'm from the French Embassy.

Hi. Two for dinner.

High and outside?

Hilarious!

His buttons saved the life

Hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet.

Hmm? Oh!

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. And isn't that every girl's dream.

Hmm. I hope those weren't the same nights.

Hmm. Well, lead the way, sweetie pie.

Hold on! I have to get another book!

Holding up your phone number on national TV.

Holy crap! Robin Scherbatsky's friends with my econ professor!

Homo erectus, indeed.

Honesty is tough, but in the end, it's the far kinder alternative.

Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush

Hotel?

How about we just call it a tie?

How about you do this? Go nail that girl, then read your texts.

How could you let me do that?

How did I come across?

How do we know you two won't hurt us again?

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?

How do you know he's gonna call?

How do you know the Canadian test is easy?

How do you spell "blah blah blah"? "H's" or no?

How great is this?

How weird is it that I'm more famous than you?

How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys

How'd things go at the doctor?

How'd we end up here?

Hugh Gerection? Those were fake names. But Cook Pu?

Huh!

Huh.

Huh.

Huh. Her name must be Anita. Okay, my plan was to sleep with her.

Hurry up now, don't be late

I always avoided pronouns.

I always say, " My ideal woman

I am a big bag of three day old garbage.

I am Barney from America.

I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay?

I am freaking out. I don't think I can do this.

I am in the upright and locked position.

I am not going to fall in love with your roommate.

I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes.

I am so glad that you two just randomly happened to find each other.

I am so psyched! Marshall and I haven't done something

I am so sorry I misjudged you.

I asked, "Where do you live?"And she said,

I bet stripper me would get in there with another girl and just go bananas.

I bet they wanted to touch her so bad, but all you can do is look,

I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to!

I broke her heart.

I broke his nose with a chair.

I brought Marshall with me, so maybe we'll do the same.

I buy it. You're awesome.

I can duck in for a drink.

I can tell we have a ton in common.

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.

I can't believe Robin's been so upset.

I can't believe we're still open. Gotcha!

I can't believe you guys are closing.

I can't believe you sent them one of those.

I can't believe you threw up in your Stormtrooper helmet.

I can't do that, Ted. I just can't hook up with a girl

I can't stop thinking about how much I hate him!

I choose you, baby.

I concede! You win.

I could do no wrong.

I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me?

I could lose my scholarship.

I could read it on air. Coming from a more entertaining source,

I couldn't admit I was cold. I didn't want to seem like a wimp

I couldn't be more unhappy.

I decided what you need is practice.

I did it!

I did it!

I did not say it was a good plan.

I did not settle for Lily. Okay, yes, she's a little short,

I did what anyone keeping someone on the hook should do.

I did, um,

I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see.

I didn't get super wasted and throw up all over myself.

I didn't know if you were hungry, so I just threw together some...

I didn't know what you wanted, so I got you a cappuccino,

I didn't think you'd bring a date.

I do care, Barney. Look, we're dating now, okay?

I do!

I do. You're sweet, you're funny.

I don't even have my slide projector.

I don't know if you caught that, but he did the "we" thing.

I don't know what kind of architect. Houses, buildings, that kind of crap.

I don't know what they are, (LAUGHING) but they're amazing!

I don't know what to tell you. Lily's always messing with me.

I don't know why I just did that.

I don't know why they make phone books anymore. Everything's online, right?

I don't know why. You're awesome.

I don't know, maybe the whole Jenkins peed out the window of a cab story.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Check this out. This is actually kind of sweet.

I don't know. It's something called "The Naked Man."

I don't normally do that. I was really drunk.

I don't say "but, um." I have never said "but, um."

I don't see the point of even trying.

I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell Lily.

I don't understand. If last night went so horribly,

I don't want this anymore.

I don't want to be an architect.

I don't want to be with you.

I don't want to be with you.

I don't want to be with you.

I don't want to brag,

I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either.

I even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence.

I even composed a poem about it.

I even sent them an awesome photo montage...

I feel like we should give him a moment of silence.

I feel so young again except for the chest pains.

I feel terrible about it, and I'm really sorry.

I feel the same way. I suck at relationships.

I feel the same way. I suck at relationships.

I found out the school's policy

I gave you one thing to do, Marshall. One thing.

I get her back to my place, and she just bolts?

I get it, Ted.

I got a variety of jerky. I got six cans of Tantrum.

I got black coffee on the left, I got Tantrum on the right!

I got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me.

I got married in college.

I got this. So, emperor penguins. Crazy, huh?

I got to dial back on the Tantrum.

I gotta find a way to reach this kid.

I gotta get to work.

I gotta make her jealous.

I guess Canada's not so bad.

I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my Robin Scherbatsky

I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered.

I guess she caught some of the Big Fudge fever.

I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up.

I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago,

I had an aunt in the Coast Guard.

I had hours to kill.

I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser.

I had no idea.

I had no idea.

I had room in my heart for both of them.

I had to decide.

I have a bit of a roommate complex.

I have been so busy.

I have never been happier. And this Anita sounds lovely.

I have never met anyone else who has this album.

I have never, ever scored a hot bartender.

I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first.

I have to pee.

I have to pop in at least once a month to maintain my record.

I have to say no.

I have. I left her, like, 20 messages.

I heard you.

I hope I'm not too late!

I hope it was worth it.

I hope so, too.

I hope those underwater aliens are cold blooded.

I hope you're not talking about you?

I just abandoned my wife. How am I supposed to have fun?

I just can't be with you right now.

I just got divorced three months ago. I have no idea how to be single.

I just got up there and talked about architecture.

I just haven't had a girlfriend for a long time.

I just need you to be patient. I don't want to lose you, big brown eyes.

I just remembered why I didn't call you.

I just thought of a reason.

I just want to cuddle him all day long. Yes, I do.

I just wanted to drop by and say...

I just wanted to get rid of the girls.

I knew I had to make a strong impression. I had thought of everything. Except...

I knew there was a skank, but I thought she'd at least be dumb.

I know it sounds nuts, but it feels good to say.

I know it's a cliché, but he really ruined me for other men.

I know it's a cliché, but he really ruined me for other men.

I know this past week must've been tough on you.

I know this sounds crazy,

I know what you're all thinking.

I know where.

I know you're a hockey fan, so I was thinking...

I know, and it's provided us with a lot of laughs.

I know! When I got that left hand yellow, I was like, "What?"

I know. But that song's kind of catchy.

I know. I know.

I know. I know.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

I know. It was kind of crazy.

I know. So annoying, right? I mean, he's not really my boyfriend.

I know. So much running around and freaking out, and for what?

I know. We had the gouda. We had my waffle story.

I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around

I live right upstairs.

I love a tiny fiber.

I love how the universe decided to bring those two together.

I love that blazer almost as much as Robin loves Don.

I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work.

I love you.

I mean, at least, when I run out on a girl,

I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful.

I mean, except with Ted. Man. He really got it right.

I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want,

I mean, for her,

I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me.

I mean, if a couple of things had gone a little bit differently,

I mean, it's not like I don't like you.

I mean, just from looking around your room,

I mean, just look at your mug.

I mean, look, when you first met Don, you hated him.

I mean, my heart says, "Leap into it." My brain says, "It's a bad idea."

I mean, seriously, what kind of a fake name is Cook Pu?

I mean, she seemed fine after the breakup.

I mean, that guy has been active sexually.

I mean, that is hot.

I mean, that... I mean, she is mine.

I mean, that's it. I gotta prove to her that I am not the reacher.

I mean, we cuddled.

I mean, we knew we were gonna have fun tonight,

I mean, we're not even in the same department.

I mean, who's working the front desk?

I mean, yet. He will. He will.

I met my soul mate and he never called me back.

I missed this so much, baby.

I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth.

I need it back! Where's the phone?

I need someone else to find me that woman.

I need to go to the hospital.

I never had that problem.

I never said that.

I never should have been mad at you!

I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mud flaps.

I only said that to get you to come over here.

I promise you

I read about it on some guy's blog.

I realize that you're very busy, so I'll just get straight to the point.

I recognize you.

I remember him coming across as kind of a player.

I remember now.

I remember thinking my tenth grade math teacher was very sexy.

I remember thinking that you were a little snobby.

I repeat...

I represent statins and other cholesterol Iowering drugs.

I said a bang, bang, bang, bangity bang bang, bang, bang

I said a bang, bang, bangity bang

I said a bang, bang, bangity bang

I said a bang, bang, bangity bang I said a bang, bang, bangity bang

I said bang, bang, bangity bang, bang, bang, bang

I said, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It's all Ted's fault!"

I said, bang, bang, bangity bang Bang, bang, bangity bang

I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill.

I see.

I seriously considered just marrying her out of sheer awkwardness.

I should get that.

I should get that.

I should go, too. I hooked up with this Chinese girl last night,

I should let go.

I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.

I shouldn't go kissing some other guy's girlfriend.

I spare no expense for your care! I even set up a foundation in your name.

I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel.

I still loved him, too.

I suppose I could reschedule my pedicure.

I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too.

I swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey.

I swear, every week I get asked by some frat guy to a kegger,

I swear, he was right there, just eating a Belgian waffle!

I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change.

I take it you're excited to go out with Don?

I teach architecture.

I think I know how to speed things up.

I think I know what this is. I think it has finally happened.

I think I'm gonna go. You can keep your 10 bucks.

I think it's nice that Ted knows you that well.

I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away.

I think she has a thing for the Barnacle.

I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells.

I think they bought it.

I think we can change them.

I think what Barney's saying is that definitions are important.

I think you got it backwards there, buddy.

I think you got to let this one go, buddy.

I think you'll know the blazer when you see it.

I thought I was in Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305.

I thought I would decide in the moment. And I did, about 20 times.

I thought that you were referring to some sort of long overdue device

I thought we were finally gonna get to meet him?

I thought you were a complete idiot.

I thought your body was gonna become a machine,

I thought, "Yeah, Canada's pretty cool, too."

I totally meant to call you.

I try to ignore it, but it just never stops ringing!

I understand.

I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper.

I used to think that's just every relationship.

I want to give her away to a lucky new owner.

I want to give them a squeeze

I want to say... Jefferson?

I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face!

I want to wear Jenkins like a sock.

I wanted to ask you about the novel you're writing right now, but, um...

I was being nice.

I was color blind for two weeks after that.

I was embarrassed about my behavior right here, at Channel...

I was going to give him an A.

I was gonna do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes,

I was like 100 pounds heavier and I had these crazy buck teeth.

I was lunching at Tavern on the Green.

I was making time at the local watering hole.

I was not checking out a girl.

I was on a blind date with the same woman

I was on a fourth date with a girl I really liked,

I was on my way toward

I was shy and awkward.

I was somebody back there!

I was vulnerable, okay. I said goodbye to a very dear friend today.

I went into the Hoser Hut

I went on a blind date with seven years earlier.

I will drag you outside and kick your ass.

I will say this, though.

I will stop wearing...

I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife

I wish now I had,

I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long,

I woke up four hours later covered in snow,

I won't. I bet you'll have a nice time tonight.

I wonder if Harold's still in jail.

I would love to share the oysters.

I would love to. Hey, what are you doing right now?

I wouldn't be so sure about that, Robin.

I... Okay.

I.e. don't ever see them during the day.

I'd pour Peach Schnapps in her bellybutton...

I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. Okay?

I'll duck out.

I'll give you the answer after traffic on the ones, threes, fives, and nines.

I'll go get you some coffee.

I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy.

I'll pay.

I'll plan the whole thing.

I'll see you tomorrow, Lily. It's Tijuana Tuesday.

I'll summarize it in one word, Robin.

I'll tell you where things aren't going. Out of that bedroom.

I'll wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers.

I'm a starry eyed romantic on a noble search for true love.

I'm a Vikings fan, too. I bleed purple and gold.

I'm all confused about death and sex.

I'm always punching guys, girls. I'll punch a baby. I don't care.

I'm between jobs. Internet bubble burst.

I'm Canadian. I always will be.

I'm doing a great piece on snail poison.

I'm done with that. I want what Ranjit has.

I'm done.

I'm free!

I'm from Pelican Rapids!

I'm going out of town this weekend for my friend's wedding.

I'm going to be American and Canadian.

I'm gonna be all, "Drop the act, baby doll. Daddy needs a gin and tonic."

I'm gonna come down there and put a slapper right up your beerhole!

I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study.

I'm gonna end my shift early.

I'm gonna go do push ups in the kitchen.

I'm gonna make you feel all better.

I'm good, Boomer.

I'm good.

I'm having some friends over to my place for a little party.

I'm here because of a small but significant cheese incident that occurred.

I'm in the inter sex tion, and I only have a couple of sex,

I'm Indiana Jones! I'm Indiana Jones!

I'm inviting Tiffany up to my place to see my antique camera collection.

I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around.

I'm just... I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just...

I'm kidding. They're called women.

I'm meeting the first one here any minute. Keep your eyes peeled for a red sweater.

I'm never going to stop talking about my cats.

I'm not American, and, apparently, I'm not Canadian, either.

I'm not cool with it.

I'm not gonna let you ruin his... (EX CLAIMING)

I'm not making this up! This happened! That woman kissed me, with tongue.

I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes.

I'm not talking dinner and a movie.

I'm not talking mini golf.

I'm planting my flag in her,

I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that.

I'm pretty sure it's a hernia. Can you check again?

I'm really into you.

I'm really scared that you're going to dump me

I'm really sorry, dude.

I'm recycling your old Architecture Weekly magazines.

I'm serious. Get out, now.

I'm so excited about this whip! I got whip fever!

I'm so jealous! I'm just gonna go over there

I'm sorry to bother you, Professor Mosby, but this isn't Architecture 101.

I'm sorry, Anita. The answer is no.

I'm sorry, Barney. I couldn't make it work.

I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it.

I'm sorry, Cook?

I'm sorry, I made a promise to a friend.

I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I are just not that into you. And you.

I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends My Sunday best are my best friends

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But he's just so freaking cute.

I'm sporting a partial.

I'm suit sitting for someone.

I'm talking 17 dates' worth of romance wrapped up into one incredible night.

I'm talking about a superdate.

I'm Ted.

I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise?

I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day,

I'm trashed right now, and I blame our public school system.

I'm working on it, darling. Okay? Just stall them.

I've always been hot. What are you gonna do?

I've been a little bit loose, but money never changed hands.

I've been on both sides of it. I've been a hookee and a hooker.

I've been on the hook.

I've done all three of those things with Robin.

I've enlisted Ranjit's services as my personal driver

I've got two tickets to the Rangers Canucks game tomorrow night.

I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily.

I've never felt more alive! Ooh.

I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around.

I've never touched the stuff. You can test me if you want to, Nantz.

I've said it, like, 100 times. It still sounds weird to say.

I've seen Barney work very hard to get women.

I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women.

I've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman,

If I like her, I will marry her. If she's cool with it.

If I recall, they didn't dump us until you brought up that Vermont trip.

If Lady Lily's jealousy young Marshall cannot budge,

If Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles

If people don't know their place, nobody's happy.

If she tells you you're an idiot, you are a lucky man.

If she's pissed, she's pissed.

If there is a hotter girl out there with whom up can be hooked.

If there is one type of person that I cannot stand,

If we can't figure out how to be with each other in a real, honest way,

If we're gonna do it again, I'm gonna need some Gatorade...

If you don't want to hit that, I'm sorry, but you might be gay.

If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run.

If you kiss me and you feel bad about it, you're meant to be with Barney.

If you know what I mean, which you probably don't,

If you think about it, we didn't miss by that much.

If you want my help, it's a superdate.

If you wanted to print out one of your lectures or something,

Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Usually, it just makes it bigger.

In a group full of single people.

In a relationship. What are we good at?

In a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant.

In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone

In all that time, my dating routine remained more or less the same.

In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle!

In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game,

In fact, after you passed out, I may have taken a few pokes myself.

In fact, I'm gonna call her up and hang out with her tonight as friends.

In his favorite blazer

In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.

In short, the perfect boyfriend, which, to Robin, meant only one thing.

In song.

In song.

In the back of a horse drawn carriage.

In the Beaux Arts style. This architectural gem...

In the Bermuda Triangle.

In the mailroom.

In this exact same restaurant.

In this notebook is patently wrong.

In this one, I'm just a jerk.

In who that person is and then when you break up,

Incredible. I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent

Indian rubber ball...

Infinity!

Instead of being a woman with no country, I'm going to be a woman with two.

Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head,

Interesting article in the paper.

Into a nearly comatose state of relaxation.

Into a submissive, sniveling, puddle of a man.

Is a brilliant book.

Is it clean your hair out of the shower drain when you're done?

Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like...

Is it something I did?

Is just to answer the question. Are you the reacher or the settler?

Is located right next to the part of the brain

Is not to have my father say, "I am proud of you, eh?"

Is pick out one sad block of cheese.

Is she my girlfriend?

Is that equal parts vodka and get the hell out of my face?

Is that weird?

Is the American actor, beloved by millions,

Is the original Chewbacca going to be there?

Is worth the 22 hour drive.

Isn't he great? And he's in a band.

Isn't there always a hotter girl?

Isn't this fun?

It all started 2.5 million years ago.

It all started a few weeks ago.

It all started a few weeks ago.

It almost doesn't matter who it is at this point.

It can be our first double date as couples!

It could be an emergency. She could be trapped in a giant bra!

It didn't work, I'm still here.

It got me off her hook.

It happened!

It has been four months since you broke up with Barney.

It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs,

It is true.

It is very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love.

It is very rare that two people just meet and fall madly in love.

It just keeps ringing and ringing and ringing.

It just warms my freaking heart!

It just... It just sucks, that's all. It just sucks.

It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry.

It might be weird. We're kind of on a double date.

It might be weird. We're kind of on a double date.

It seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty.

It starts with a one.

It was 3:00 in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens.

It was a mix.

It was an accident

It was Barney's personal tailor, TV's Tim Gunn.

It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham

It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA.

It was just one thing after another at work today,

It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call.

It was personal between you and me. I'm really sorry.

It was something else entirely.

It was the best thing that could've happened.

It was the first class of the new semester.

It was the first week of college. I was really into Wu Tang Clan.

It was thick and rough, like a starfish arm!

It was uncanny.

It was way too early.

It wasn't a pretty sight.

It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson.

It's a cry for help.

It's a five minute conversation, and then you get to have sex afterwards.

It's a free country.

It's a nice little ego boost.

It's a rabbit. It's a duck. Rabbit. Duck. Rabbit. Duck.

It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that.

It's a truth you can't refute

It's all of them.

It's all so you can find someone you can sit on a couch

It's an audio book about a boy and his dog.

It's an idea you've had for a... But, um...

It's architecture!

It's called a tie.

It's called itwasthebestnightever. com.

It's Canada.

It's circumstantial hotness.

It's done.

It's funny.

It's funny. I had a drinking game based on Robin,

It's getting pretty late. We're going to go.

It's gonna be fun

It's gonna bring us all closer together

It's got to be one doozy of a date, right?

It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery,

It's great! Back me up, Ted.

It's happening. Look.

It's harmless. Wait.

It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that.

It's just a little something that we got for you

It's just they kissed! They're finally a couple.

It's like a hot ball of lead!

It's like an entire country without a tailor.

It's like I don't have a country.

It's like this, "I can't be with you." Boom! "Right now."

It's like watching a well lit aquarium, but not as interesting.

It's like you want us to make fun of you.

It's like... It's like, all the time. I just wanna attack him,

It's moot

It's nice to meet you, too.

It's nice to meet you.

It's no big secret. It's made of cornmeal.

It's not a big deal.

It's not crap!

It's not humanly possible.

It's not in this newspaper. It's in one I read awhile back.

It's not like life gives you a warning.

It's not like the Canadian citizenship test.

It's not so easy to let things go.

It's not something you want to be. It's something you need to be.

It's not true. It's an old wives' tale.

It's okay, dude.

It's only been five days. He's gonna call.

It's perfect! Mom, Dad! Ted proposed!

It's probably a good thing they're closing Gazzola's.

It's really sweet of you to ask.

It's really up to you. I mean, I know that...

It's right behind you.

It's Robin's copy. I've just... I've leafed through it a little bit.

It's ruining my life!

It's suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass.

It's the best country in the world.

It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree.

It's the picking I suck at. I pick the wrong girls.

It's time, baby.

Jamie Adamic? Hi.

Jeff... No, it's Jim Varney.

Jenkins gets up on the table

Jenkins, him, her...

Jenkins!

Jenkins? No way.

Jenkins.

Jerk!

Jim Nantz.

Jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 Camaro.

Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, so I decided to mix things up a little bit.

Jim, I... I told you I don't want to talk about that.

Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down.

Jinx what?

Just as soon as you and Barney have the talk.

Just bought us a private dance with her stripper body double.

Just for my sake.

Just hanging out?

Just hate them.

Just like old times!

Just once, I wish you guys would call me on Tuxedo Night.

Just read online, Gazzola's is closing.

Just tell her it happened and that you're sorry.

Just tell her that it happened.

Just the best barrel.

Just the best.

Just the two of us for so long.

Just the two of you?

Just to have an innocent fantasy.

Just walked itself right through the door,

Just whip him, Ted! Don't even aim! Just whip him!

Keep panning that river, buddy.

Knowledge to good use, you know?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen, MacLaren's has hired a hot bartender.

Ladies, meet Stripper Lily

Laser, Taser, gazer... Blazer...

Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak.

Last night in bed, I'll admit it,

Last night there was three minutes of dead air

Last night, I was with this pharma girl who was so hot

Last night, she picked me up at the bar. And then...

Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush.

Laughter raining down like April showers

Lawyered.

Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors,

Learn English!

Left knee.

Legally available over the counter.

Let me be clear, Scooter,

Let me clear something up for you, Ted.

Let me guess. Did Marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese?

Let me rephrase that.

Let's go in and see what they remember.

Let's go to night six. Two girls away from perfection.

Let's just have the stupid talk.

Let's just... Let's just leave it at that, okay?

Let's not forget the menu typo gold mine.

Let's rewind and rewind

Let's talk Thanksgiving.

Let's try this again. She's completely overreacting, right?

Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love.

Like

Like a suit

Like Robin and Don.

Like this, " Oh, I can't do anything tomorrow tonight,

Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a. m...

Like, years ago. You should know. We lived with you.

Like, you think she's hotter than me?

LILY AND TED: Ooh!

Lily drank like, four cans of the stuff. Right, Lil?

Lily has taken all the man out of you.

Lily is asleep.

Lily made some crème brûlée

Lily, for the last time,

Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about

Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush.

Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here,

Lily, private convo time.

Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens.

Lily, they're people, too.

Lily, what are you doing?

Lily!

Lily! Come on. Let us out!

Lily. Lily, no! No!

Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she lets Marshall do

Lisa 's footsteps.

Lisa Walker. Picture it. 1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota.

Listen to this.

Listen up, Scooter, there is no way you and I will ever be together.

Listen, do you want to go out Saturday night?

Listen, I don't want to be with you.

Living alone

Located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois.

Long story short, I have a date tonight.

Look at all these guys.

Look at these texts. Read this one.

Look at this money!

Look who's back from the wishing well.

Look, all this coupley stuff, it's just not us.

Look, I appreciate your help, but who am I kidding?

Look, I got to tell you,

Look, I gotta go. (WHISPERING) Take a picture.

Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call,

Look, I know, it was stupid.

Look, I really like you.

Look, I'm not the touchy feeliest person in the world, but,

Look, I'm sold. I hate this girl.

Look, I'm sorta in the middle of someone, something, right now, and...

Look, Jen, I wish I could go back and talk some sense into 2002 Ted,

Look, just because your class likes me more than you...

Look, Robin, I don't wanna crowd you on your little date here,

Look, she's not that bad. I just get a little jealous.

Look, Ted, we're not in college anymore, okay?

Look, there's two sides to dating, right? Picking and getting picked.

Look, this is gonna sound crazy, but I thought Jenkins was a guy.

Look! I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls,

Looks like someone's building towards an A. Huh?

Lunch lady Scooter was there again today.

Lunch lady Scooter.

Lying. Think about it.

Mabel's like family.

MacLaren's Bar, four years ago.

Magic phone, guys. Magic phone.

Make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie

Make fun of the Great White North all you want,

Make him whip the habit!

Make sure you bring your own toothbrush.

Make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob.

Makes me feel like I'm just another number to you?

Makes me realize I should go into something more stable, like banking.

MALE VOICE: Suit up.

MALE VOICE: Suit up.

Man, that game is really catching on.

Man, those Canadian doctors bandaged me up,

Man, those Gazzola's trips, that's when we really became bros.

Married!

Marshall and I have an extra room. You can stay there as long as you need.

Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place for a little couples' night.

Marshall and Lily globbed into one big married glob.

Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years.

Marshall, did you sell us out?

Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths.

Marshall, I'm just gonna tell her that it happened, that it meant nothing,

Marshall, Lily, "arranged marriage" me.

Marshall, now that Robin and I are together,

Marshall, we've been over and over this.

Marshall, what are we doing? We should be on the road.

MARSHALL: (SINGING) It was the best night ever

MARSHALL: (SINGING) Ordered Chinese food today

MARSHALL: Hey, guys! If you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else?

MARSHALL: I should have corrected her. It would have been so easy.

MARSHALL: Right now!

MARSHALL: She wasn't home yet, so I waited.

MARSHALL: Yeah. DON: Well, all credit goes

MARSHALL: You wanna marry my friend, Ted?

Martini?

May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of

May I have monies for shopping?

Maybe I'll rob a liquor store. Maybe I won't. My choice.

Maybe it'll be meter maids. We just don't know.

Maybe it's time to put yourself back out there.

Maybe not bigger, but more shapely, and bigger.

Maybe we should go back to being just friends.

Maybe we'll spend the whole day having sex!

Maybe you might

Maybe.

Maybe.

Maybe. But they're Armani.

Me or the suits.

Me, neither.

Me, too.

Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast with her.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow...

MIKE: We're clear.

Mint on the pillow, Ted!

Mistake number three, dude, where was the hat?

Mistake number two was you should've hit that.

Mmm hmm.

Mmm, it's good.

Mmm! Oh!

Mmm. Mmm.

Mookie Wilson, is that a thing?

Mother was fit to be tied

Mourning period? She hasn't been going through any mourning period.

Move past it, guys.

Mr. Donovan will see you now.

Murder? No! I... Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness!

My boyfriend.

My family's there. It's who I am.

My friends, I have been with many women in my day.

My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less.

My God, I'm so stupid.

My grandpa lives in Pelican Rapids.

My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection.

My last three boyfriends were Wall Street guys. Bastards.

My lawyer said I can become an American citizen.

My name is Professor Calzonetti. This is Economics 305.

My panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor

My roommate's just about to get out of the shower.

My suit gave its life for this cause,

My uncle had a filthy, old shotgun,

My wife knows I'm here. She doesn't have money,

Nailed it!

Nailed it!

NANTZ: Sometimes, a teammate makes an error.

Natalie?

Needless to say, we've both changed our e mail addresses.

Neither can you, sweetie.

Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate, Cindy.

Never show Robin a YouTube clip of an animal playing a musical instrument.

Never take questions on the first day. It shows weakness.

New plan, I'm going to sleep with her.

Next Sunday is Valentine's Day.

Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game

Next thing you know, off comes the shirt. It was so gross.

Next time you see her, ask her out for the following night.

Next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!

Nice.

Nice.

Nice.

No "please" or "thank you" for the coffee?

No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee.

No place I'd rather be, no one I'd rather...

No questions!

No way. I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper.

No way. You made that up.

No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook.

No, guys, guys, I'm fine.

No, I can see out of my left eye again.

No, I meant punching Brad.

No, I never should have brought Lily. She pees all the time,

No, I was just going to say maybe we should listen to something.

No, I'm not seeing it.

No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay?

No, it wasn't.

No, it's not like that! It's just us and a bunch of other people.

No, listen. After you left the other night, I was embarrassed.

No, Marshall, you must.

No, no, no, no, no. Please, just go away.

No, no, no. No.

No, no, that life's behind me. Forget it.

No, no, you have to do it. I'll help you study.

No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...

No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study.

No, sir.

No, stop it.

No, Ted, brunch is not cool.

No, Ted.

No, they're not, dumbass!

No, this is good. Let's get it all out of the way.

No, we don't.

No, we kept it in the bathroom.

No, we're not. We're ugly and gross.

No, who am I gonna tell? Lily? I told Lily.

No, you know what? It's not okay. You're the nicest guy in this stupid office,

No!

No! Okay, yes, I'm lucky to have Lily, but Lily is just as lucky to have me!

No! Robin's deep seated need for attention can be traced back

No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact. Listen to me.

No! What did you do?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. But there is another suit that can use the buttons from your suit.

No. But, no, then we met her. And, Ted, she's a world class violinist.

No. I realized that their reign had to end

No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks.

No. No, no, no. Don't drink. It's a trap.

No. No, not that.

No. Please! Please! Please, Marshall. Let me answer it.

No. Sit down, define the relationship,

No. That's not a fire hydrant!

No. There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine.

No. What Robin really wants, deep down is...

No. You know what?

Nobody kisses my future baby daddy but me!

Nobody's home

Nope. No reacher, no settler.

Not a lot of talking. No loud noises.

Not a problem, Ted.

Not as much.

Not because I was naked. I'm actually pretty okay with my body.

Not even about his shockingly small wiener?

Not everyone is you, okay, Barney?

Not on your sweet life.

Not only are you wrong,

Not really.

Noted.

Nothing sexier than a man in a fine cravat.

Nothing suits him

Nothing suits me like a suit!

Nothing suits them like a suit

Nothing, Barney.

Nothing.

Now I'm done.

Now let's give Scotty a little thrill. Buying a drink for the old prof.

Now look at this one.

Now that you mention it,

Now that's what I call having a"woof" over your head.

Now this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a Perfect Week.

Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie,

Now what?

Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets

Now, even though her show was on so early

Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior,

Now, focus on the next dancer. Put Lily completely out of your mind.

Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig,

Now, listen. You slipped up. It's fine.

Now, night three. Paint us a word picture.

Now, notice the vacant eyes, the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea.

Now, now... Don't laugh. He's not... He's not entirely wrong.

Now, Robin. You work in television.

Now, that's ridiculous.

Now, wait, a little to the left.

Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy feely."

Now, will you please have the talk?

Now, you better pack your long johns, 'cause it is cold up there.

Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes?

Now...

Number five and I really connected.

Number four. Unless you want to see it 80 times a day for the next month,

Number one. Get real money.

Number two, and this is the biggie,

Number two, keep them away from sunlight,

Occasional guest star in some confusing dreams

Of a sick little jacket on the Upper East Side.

Of all the single people in New York

Of baseball's perfect game. But even rarer.

Of course he asked me out.

Of Course You Don't Have a Retirement Plan Yet.

Of course you're gonna sleep with her.

Of Course You're Still Single. Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut

Of Course You're Still Single. Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut.

Of course, if I had taken that girl's question,

Of course, there was still one loose end.

Of course, what I didn't know was

Of what he hadn't been seeing since the breakup.

Oft saluted suitor of repute

Oh, and Henrietta's in no way wasting her time with you, right?

Oh, but, Natalia, tell Ted the problem.

Oh, come on! This is his career!

Oh, dear God.

Oh, God, Don. What the hell are you doing?

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, really? You're really gonna do this right now?

Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. You probably think I'm some kind of playboy now, right?

Oh, guys, guys, come on. It was fine.

Oh, hey, Don.

Oh, hey, fellas.

Oh, hi, Mom.

Oh, I see what this is.

Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation.

Oh, I will.

Oh, I wish you had called.

Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily.

Oh, indubitably.

Oh, is someone jealous of all the attention?

Oh, it's me? Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, look, snack break.

Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl.

Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee!

Oh, my God, that sounds so cheesy.

Oh, my God, these are notes about me, or some 29 year old version of me.

Oh, my God, you are the guy from the Super Bowl!

Oh, my God, you guys think I'm the reacher.

Oh, my God! I knew this day would come!

Oh, my God! You do.

Oh, my God! You're right! He's totally the Sexless Innkeeper!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means?

Oh, my God. I don't believe it!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Pu dropped out?

Oh, my God. She did it! I guess there is no such thing as a jinx!

Oh, my God. What happened last night?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I'm not the one who's gonna give it up, she is.

Oh, no. No, no, no. God, no. Lily, it's not you. It's us.

Oh, really?

Oh, she brought some of her co workers.

Oh, she brought some of her co workers.

Oh, stop that. I'm serious. Ask me for anything.

Oh, Ted. She's got you on the hook.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto...

Oh, that's all, Barney? Come on, you're never not in a suit.

Oh, that's no good.

Oh, the sidewalk's going to smell like pee pee now.

Oh, this coffee is excellent.

Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom!

Oh, we can't. We're here with Py and Shea.

Oh, we talked for hours...

Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted.

Oh, yay.

Oh, yeah! I remember this.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Lefty like that.

Oh, yeah...

Oh, yes, I am this Lily.

Oh, you know how she is. She tries to keep her emotions to herself.

Oh, you should. It's a good read.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! (MUTTERING) Don't say it! You'll jinx it.

Oh! For Pete's sake!

Oh! Hello.

Oh! Hey, Barney. I didn't see you come in.

Oh! It's amazing. I totally follow baseball.

Oh! It's my mom.

Oh! Not cool!

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Thanks. (GROANING) I think I twisted my ankle.

Oh! Well, paint me flattered! Any other fans out there?

Oh! You're entertaining?

Oh! You're strong.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Dating's not really my bag right now.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Oh...

Oh...

Okay, babe, look, before you get mad, let me...

Okay, but, um, thanks for being with us.

Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life

Okay, first of all, come on, buddy. You can't handle the Fudge.

Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front of her.

Okay, good luck. Byesies.

Okay, got to go. Love you, bye.

Okay, guys, I've got some bad news for you.

Okay, here's my final offer.

Okay, how about this, I'll cut you a deal.

Okay, how about this?

Okay, I have... I have so many questions.

Okay, I'll come clean! It all started a few weeks ago.

Okay, I'm leaving.

Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true.

Okay, it's like this. After we kissed, we sat down to have the talk.

Okay, it's not gonna happen.

Okay, let me try that again.

Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh?

Okay, let's do this!

Okay, let's get some coffee.

Okay, look, mistake number one was taking that girl's question.

Okay, Mabel, let's find you a new home.

Okay, new topic. How do I pick a tie?

Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it.

Okay, now, there's a gun to my head,

Okay, okay, I got something.

Okay, okay, okay, buddy.

Okay, okay. I was in an improv group in Pelican Rapids.

Okay, okay. You know, what does that even prove, okay?

Okay, question. If I ruined everything,

Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here,

Okay, Robin, that guy is awesome.

Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical violence.

Okay, seriously. We're at the point of physical violence.

Okay, so no talking about the ex.

Okay, so, there's this jar of maraschino cherries in the fridge at work,

Okay, straight, straight, straight.

Okay, Ted, you got first whip!

Okay, that is definitely not what's going on with me and Tiffany.

Okay, that's it.

Okay, this is fun. Look at this picture. It's a rabbit.

Okay, we're just gonna have a nice low key class today.

Okay, well, that's easy. All I have to do is stop wearing suits.

Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats,

Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here,

Okay, you can be Robin's partner.

Okay? Neither one of us is the reacher.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Game time. Let's review the flow of the room.

Okay. It's coming back to me.

Old Spark started to feel a little left out.

OLDER TED: ... but you get the feeling

OLDER TED: ... but you get the feeling

OLDER TED: ... neither did I.

OLDER TED: "The Bermuda Triangle" was the name we'd given

OLDER TED: After that, the summer went by way too fast.

OLDER TED: Ah, Tantrum. Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content

OLDER TED: Am I a bad dad?

OLDER TED: And after that, the stories kept coming.

OLDER TED: And by the end of the night,

OLDER TED: And if she didn't mean it then, she certainly meant it 19 minutes later.

OLDER TED: And it was right then that Robin got an idea

OLDER TED: And just like that, I was hooked.

OLDER TED: And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke,

OLDER TED: And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke,

OLDER TED: And kids, your Uncle Marshall never tried to make Lily jealous again.

OLDER TED: And Mustache Marshall.

OLDER TED: And she didn't remember it. But then again...

OLDER TED: And that's when Aunt Lily realized what's great about sports.

OLDER TED: And that's when it hit me. I was on the hook. I also realized...

OLDER TED: And then Aunt Lily told Barney every excruciating detail

OLDER TED: And then finally it happened.

OLDER TED: And then I realized what a jackass I'd been to Robin.

OLDER TED: And then Marshall realized what a jackass he'd been to Robin.

OLDER TED: Barney and Robin had no idea what they were about to walk into.

OLDER TED: Barney had been sure that phone was something he loved.

OLDER TED: But just when Lily and Marshall were about to give up,

OLDER TED: But not as awesome as your mother.

OLDER TED: But then, a funny thing happened.

OLDER TED: But when it came down to it...

OLDER TED: But, eventually, even Barney and Robin had to admit

OLDER TED: Don was Aunt Robin's co host on her morning show.

OLDER TED: Finally, my first class had arrived.

OLDER TED: Finally, the night of the big dates arrived.

OLDER TED: Finally, Valentine's Day arrived,

OLDER TED: For years, Marshall and Lily had been the only married couple

OLDER TED: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear

OLDER TED: I should explain. Over the years, we had spotted two strangers

OLDER TED: I should've given up on her.

OLDER TED: I still hadn't decided what kind of professor I wanted to be.

OLDER TED: I was lying. That sounded awesome.

OLDER TED: If anyone could fix something like this,

OLDER TED: It may not have been a thumbs up, kids.

OLDER TED: It sure was.

OLDER TED: It was the fall of 2009 and I was a professor now.

OLDER TED: It was the worst trip ever, but then it got worse.

OLDER TED: It was true. Marshall had become addicted to creating songs

OLDER TED: It wasn't.

OLDER TED: It's funny.

OLDER TED: Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada.

OLDER TED: Kids, as you probably guessed, that wasn't the night I met your mother.

OLDER TED: Kids, I remember one time we all gathered at my apartment

OLDER TED: Kids, in many of my stories,

OLDER TED: Kids, looking back, I don't know how I didn't see

OLDER TED: Kids, on a warm March evening in 2010,

OLDER TED: Kids, on my first day as a college professor,

OLDER TED: Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves.

OLDER TED: Kids, when you're in your 30s and live in New York,

OLDER TED: Kids, you never know when you're about to meet

OLDER TED: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story.

OLDER TED: Kids, your uncle Barney had been called

OLDER TED: Later that night, I embarked upon a very important first date.

OLDER TED: Later that night, I embarked upon a very important first date.

OLDER TED: Lesbian Robin.

OLDER TED: Marshall cringed. This was the moment he had feared.

OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Cindy and I were having a lovely evening,

OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Jen and I were in my favorite first date restaurant

OLDER TED: Meanwhile, my half baked theory that ladies dig the professor look

OLDER TED: No, not that dude.

OLDER TED: Now, none of us had ever seen Barney go this long without suiting up,

OLDER TED: Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation,

OLDER TED: Of course, I wasn't in the room for this conversation,

OLDER TED: Of course, they were right. I had to let it go.

OLDER TED: Oops.

OLDER TED: Professor Mosby had arrived.

OLDER TED: She totally was.

OLDER TED: So there I was,

OLDER TED: So, there I was, kids, standing in your mother's apartment.

OLDER TED: So, we all had dinner.

OLDER TED: So, we went to Don's party.

OLDER TED: Some people chew their nails. Some people tap their feet.

OLDER TED: That night, we found out just how much she said it.

OLDER TED: The next night, Robin and Brad went to a hockey game.

OLDER TED: The truth was

OLDER TED: This is the story of two blind dates. One in 2009,

OLDER TED: This led to one of the most intense arguments our group has ever had.

OLDER TED: This was it, my crossroads moment.

OLDER TED: This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney had kidnapped one of us.

OLDER TED: This went on for a while.

OLDER TED: We shared chocolate cake.

OLDER TED: What a jerk!

OLDER TED: When Barney finally tracked down your Aunt Robin,

OLDER TED: Where had Aunt Lily hidden the phone?

OLDER TED: Yes, I was in the wrong classroom.

OLDER TED: Yes, kids, it turns out Crumpet Manor had pampered Lily

OLDER TED: Yes, kids. Sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate.

OLDER TED: Your mother's rendition ofMemories

OLDER TED: Your Uncle Barney finally gave Aunt Robin

On a rocket ship to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine.

On offshore dividend tax implications.

On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you

On the masterpiece that is Manhattan's skyline.

On your superdate

One thing? One thing?

One, you don't open an e mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids.

One. Weird, out of context laughter.

Only to end up back here, with each other.

Only two things could cause that kind of commotion.

Ooh!

Oops.

Oops.

Or a single three piece suit?

Or affected your relationship with Marshall.

Or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid?

Or do exactly what you did the other night. Something like that.

Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them.

Or listen to the Sparky book again?

Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

Or to see your new rap poster.

Or two. Spontaneously falling asleep in strange places.

Or... Or...

Or... Or...

Other than become an architect, you're wasting my time and yours.

Other than the fact that this five dollar bill they gave you is blue.

Ouch!

Our doors opened on Christmas day, 1881.

Our home and native land

Our two kids, our eight grandkids, our 11 great grandkids

Out of the way! Stay with me. It's not your time.

Over 200 women, spanning six continents, 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions,

Over the next couple of weeks, Barney was thoughtful,

P.S., not sitting great.

Pancakes, fresh bacon. It is so yummy.

Pea, that reminds me. I have to pee.

Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Grow up!

Perfect. Problem solved. Welcome aboard.

Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me?

Pharma girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks.

Picture a world Where all the boys and girls

Picture Robin, but younger. And bigger boobs.

Play ball!

Please don't cry on this.

Please put your hands together for (STAMMERING) Jasmine.

Please save all your questions until the end of the lecture. Thank you!

Please, please, just don't make me go back.

Please.

Plus, he keeps saying he's working late.

Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad.

Plus, the alien thing.

Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty.

Poor guy. He must be freaking out.

Poster whore!

Pretty incredible boyfriends.

Professional equestrians, amateur equestrians,

Professor Mosby.

Professor. I don't know. Just do something!

Professor. Professor. They're all staring at me.

Professor. Professor. They're all staring at me.

Psst. Ted.

Psst. Ted.

Pulled a 34 year old white male out of the Hudson River,

Question one. Do you want to be Canadian?

Question two. Really?

Question two. What the hell is this?

Question. Awesome. Hit it.

Quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away

Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

Rabbit. Sorry, guys. I gotta go.

Rabbits are adorable. Ducks are, well...

Rabbits are bad.

Read to you by Kenny Rogers.

Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American?

Really? I can't feel my fingers.

Really? If it were me, I'd be riding that scooter all day long

Really? Let me see it.

Really? Name one wrong thing.

Really? You guys watch her show?

Really? You're really gonna sit here all night watching the door

Relationships are like that.

Remember the other night, the skee ball game?

Reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket,

Right knee. Ticklish.

Right now, there's someone out there who has no idea

Right now?

Right now.

Right now. Hang in there, Scoots. I'm not gonna live forever.

Right, but we'll play that one by...

Right, so I fire up the PowerPoint...

Right, well, 'cause we're so hopelessly in love, right?

Right, well, 'cause we're so hopelessly in love, right?

Right?

Right? Laugh, Marshall.

Right. Look, don't even worry about it. It's... Oh!

Right. She's coming up to borrow a book, or check out an album on vinyl.

Right. Sorry. We're getting ahead of ourselves.

Right. That... That was Daniel Burnham's wife.

Right. Well, no, you look at this mug.

Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook cover hog.

Robin Scherbatsky is many things. Friend, confidant,

Robin Scherbatsky,

Robin Scherbatsky,

Robin, are you okay?

Robin, did you want Don to ask you out?

Robin, do you have any Valentine's Day plans?

Robin, Don didn't ask you out.

Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level?

Robin, I have been with a lot of women.

Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date,

Robin, you are gonna marry this guy so freaking hard, right in the butt.

Robin, you know I'm right.

ROBIN: Before you go meet your future wife,

ROBIN: Hey, guys. Hey, Ranjit.

ROBIN: I didn't think I was gonna think about it, but then,

ROBIN: I thought snail pellets were safe, but, um...

ROBIN: Nice job, Ted. BARNEY: Hey, Ted, Door 5!

ROBIN: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be an American, y'all.

Robin's more than just awe "some." She's awe "quite a bit."

ROGERS: ... because Sparky loved chasing a ball,

ROGERS: Chapter One. When I first saw Sparky,

ROGERS: Lacrosse ball, volleyball...

ROGERS: Sparky was my best friend,

Rule number one, never get them wet.

S'up, dudes? Silence!

Sasquatch isn't fictional.

Saturday, we've got apple picking, antiquing, then a haunted hay ride.

Say it.

Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am

Says that in every relationship there's a reacher and a settler.

Scooter works in the school cafeteria. We've talked about this.

Second of all, no, I think of her like a big brother,

See, Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club

See, that's just annoying.

See? Marshall doesn't think she's hot either.

See? That right there is what free will gets you.

See? Why didn't you lead off with that?

Semi colon, end parentheses.

Send casual Friday down the laundry chute

Seriously, don't sleep on the gouda.

Seriously, it's like you're trying to carpet the tub.

Seriously, they're your friends. You got to go apologize.

Seven years ago, it was a mistake for us to go out.

She cried? Like real tears?

She did laugh.

She didn't even notice we were gone.

She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up.

She does the Sunday crossword every week and finishes it.

She does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports.

She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person.

She gave me foot rubs. Long ones. I'm not proud, kids.

She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones.

She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone.

She had walked right over me and into the house.

She hung out at different bars and enjoyed leisure time a little differently.

She is flushing her education down the toilet.

She kissed me.

She needs to get married.

She popped into my head a couple of times.

She said "but, um."

She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed."

She saw the tweed jacket, which basically says

She thinks that she's the settler.

She was a troubled, troubled woman. We are moving on.

She was just exhausted from being turned on.

She was the devil.

She was totally psyched for it, like an hour ago.

She would be completely fine with it?

She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun.

She's a gourmet cook.

She's a PhD candidate. She reads philosophy for fun.

She's a whore.

She's already broken up with you in her mind.

She's awe "a whole darn lot."

She's awesome.

She's back here, bro.

She's going back to school, or has a kid in school,

She's going through some pretty major league health stuff.

She's Jenkins!

She's not going on the superdate, Robin. You are.

She's really not that hot.

She's running out of room. She dives, and...

She's still there!

She's stringing you along, but she's not committing to you,

Shea is just...

Shh! Ted, now's not a good time. Where do you keep your condoms?

Shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds.

Shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning.

Shouldn't we hold out for the person

Show him.

Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice.

Shrimp fried rice, totally.

Shut up!

Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn,

Simple, the rules for girls are the same as the rules for Gremlins.

Simple. Remember in the movie, Predator...

Since our first date, we've done a complete lap

Sliced itself up,

Slip it under the door and if I like what I read, you can go.

So do I. You want to run away together?

So don't be surprised if they suddenly can't think of anything I do wrong.

So he goes, him, him, her, him, him,

So how many chicks do I have calling me now?

So I'd hate to burn that bridge.

So I'll catch you guys on the flip flop.

So if any of you

So if things start to get hot and heavy with Don...

So it's my duty to confiscate this and this and...

So Jenkins goes, "Excuse me, Mr. Wilcox. I think we forgot one of the documents."

So Jenkins says, "200 bucks, I'll eat the whole jar."

So long, elegant yet welcoming home in Westchester

So she's been this way ever since we broke up?

So sorry I'm late. I got stuck at work.

So the CFO comes in to sign some acquisition papers.

So the head of marketing comes in to choose people for the mid west audit.

So the hottest profession of the day? Gatherer.

So those poor women still have to walk everywhere?

So we all go out for beers after work.

So we give Jenkins 200 bucks,

So whenever she does an interview,

So young.

So, are you really a Vikings fan, or was he lying about that, too?

So, by the way, I have to tell you something.

So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or...

So, emphasize that as much as you can.

So, first, I need to have a different fantasy.

So, for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues

So, guys, Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place

So, has the boat sailed on sex tonight or...

So, he's a rabbit. At least you know for sure.

So, how long has this been going on?

So, I decided to change my look a little bit. And people were noticing.

So, I guess that gouda

So, I had a great time, too.

So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic...

So, I know this wasn't the best first date of all time,

So, I vowed never again to date a guy who wears suits.

So, I was, like, thinking, Lisa,

So, I'm just going to come out and say it. You're a couple.

So, I've decided, dual citizenship.

So, if you give me a few weeks of attention,

So, if you need me, I'll be getting grinded like some pepper in the champagne room.

So, night one was pretty routine.

So, now, pharma girls are today's hottest profession.

So, rabbit or duck?

So, rabbit or duck?

So, she'll probably give you some lame excuse,

So, should we just go ahead and lock the four of us in for New Year's?

So, strip club.

So, Ted's classroom.

So, they were always searching for another couple to double date.

So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class.

So, tonight's the big night. Where's the D bag taking you?

So, um, do you ever date cute idiots?

So, we get up to my place.

So, what are you going to do with Mabel?

So, what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow?

So, what'd he say?

So, when Lily said...

So, would you maybe want to go out again?

So, you guys want to talk about bitches?

So, you need a hand throwing it out?

So, you said you live right upstairs?

So, you think you're not learning anything, huh?

So, you want to get some breakfast?

So, you're through four nights. You're over the hump.

So, your third book was your breakout novel, but, um...

Some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way.

Some guy named Big Fudge has been cleaning up.

Some item of interest or beauty you can both pretend to admire for five minutes

Some moo shu pork sauce got away

Some special ball tossing time just for the two of us

Someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time,

Someone really important.

Something about school!

Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye

Sometimes she talked a little differently.

Sometimes things just seem to magically fall into place.

Sometimes without even meaning to,

Sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before...

Sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want.

Sometimes, one wild pitch...

Sorry to have wasted your time.

Sorry, babe. I gotta take this.

Sorry, Henrietta. Something came up. Take a rain check, pal?

Sorry, I shouldn't be messing with your roommate's stuff.

Sorry, not for you, happy I'm not you.

Sorry, sir. This is Architecture 101.

Sorry. Coming through.

Sort of? He totally is.

Sounds like you guys need to have the talk.

Sounds like?

Spoilers! Anyway, we do it.

Step three, we do step two first. I'm gonna go get started on step two.

Step two, I sleep with Jenkins first.

Stick 'em in a cardboard box, and let them fight it out?

Still bros?

Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era?

Stinson back in.

Stinson out!

Stinson, we've reached a decision.

Stop looking at her.

Stop the cab.

Such a guy. She was obviously crushed.

Sugar snap pea?

Suit

Suit Up! Suit Up!

Suit Up! Suit Up!

Suits

Suits

Suits and insecure women. I hate them.

Sup, guys?

Sure, I was totally paying attention when you talked about that.

Sure, it does. You know, she was...

Sure, of course.

Sure, why not?

Sure. Why not?

Sweetie. Can I get you some butterscotch?

Swish, sock, bonk, ping

Swish, sock, bonk, ping

T Dawg, you're in the wrong room, bro.

T Dawg.

Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut crap on me!

Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut.

Take a look at yourself, you dumb slut.

Take out order for Cook Pu.

Talking to my friend who's going through a really tough time.

Tantrum! (GRUNTS)

Tantrum! I have to pee.

Tastes so good

Teacup pig,

Teacup pig,

Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you.

Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere.

Ted, "right now" is the classic on the hook catchphrase.

Ted, I am so happy for you.

Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day,

Ted, I have got a great idea.

Ted, is Tiffany a (STUTTERS) pharmaceutical sales rep?

Ted, it's a poem.

Ted, let me ask you a question.

Ted, let me be clear, this girl is a poison

Ted, many a man... Nay, many a soul

Ted, no. He's not seeing anyone. Remember, he asked us to find...

Ted, people are looking at us.

Ted, relax. I'm already six for six.

Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you.

Ted, there are two kinds of guys.

Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen.

Ted, think about those stories I told you.

Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps.

Ted, this may hurt a little.

Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily!

Ted, where exactly are we going to get this beer?

Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs.

TED: A little rubbery. Room temperature.

TED: College kids, out of my way!

TED: That was quick.

TED: The second she sits down next to Swisher it's all over.

TED: Wait. Does professor have one "F" or two?

TED: Whoa! Hold it. Hold it.

Ted! How could you do that? Robin just got over her mourning period.

Ted? Come on, big date.

Ted.

Ted's her least favorite person in the world.

Ted's not my date. He's a friend.

Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me.

Teddy West Side, continue.

Tell me she didn't say, "There's no such thing as a jinx."

Tennis ball, baseball, wiffle ball, golf ball, basketball, beach ball,

Terrific. I will see you there. And I'll be the guy in the awesome blazer.

Than here with me, eating this delicious...

Thank you, kindly stranger.

Thank you, Michael.

Thank you, old friend.

Thank you, Ted.

Thank you!

Thank you.

Thank you. And Don is, and always will be, a rabbit.

Thanks for watching, Come on, Get Up, New York!

Thanks, baby. I'm so lucky to have you. And stripper you.

Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it without my teammates.

Thanks, New York, I'll try not to screw it up.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That '80s dude with muttonchops That baby with a lollipop

That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion.

That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar.

That busty delivery girl from that one time

That can... Like an organ donor?

That carries around those poor, underappreciated lunch ladies.

That changes things. We need to have a serious talk about this.

That couples' weekend for all of us in Vermont!

That delivery guy in a jacket and tie

That doesn't make it okay.

That dude be straight duckin'.

That girl must be really down in the dumps.

That girl was smoking hot

That Henrietta was madly in love with me.

That I... I have to imagine you passing away first

That is a huge violation of my privacy!

That is Nick Swisher.

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard.

That lady cop who's kind of cute

That Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm sorry, Robin.

That looks right. I think that's right.

That makes you wanna jump people's bones.

That meant sometimes she dressed a little differently.

That night, I told Lily about...

That no one watched, Aunt Robin was a consummate professional.

That notebook does contain a lot of personal info,

That once she finds out I'm a woman, she's gonna totally flip out.

That or bare knuckle boxing, which he learned in the Marine Corps.

That prevailed despite very shaky goaltending

That puppy in a double breast

That remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target.

That reminds me, I have to pee.

That she wasn't too frisky.

That sounds great.

That sounds kind of lame. What if we call it a megadate?

That they weren't even making sense half the time.

That tonight they're going home with just...

That used to belong to my favorite professor of all time.

That was a birthday gift from my roommate.

That was a wild trip, huh, Ted?

That was really great. What went wrong?

That was the fun of a bros' trip to Gazzola's!

That wasn't me.

That would end the drinking game forever.

That you both use?

That your mother was somewhere in that class,

That, and a woman who has no respect for herself.

That, Barney,

That, my friend, is the Dominator 8000,

That, my friends, is the sad legacy of Gregorio Francetti Gazebo.

That...

That's a building.

That's a great conversation starter. We can tell them about our trip to Cabo.

That's a great idea. I think I have some Jerky Boys.

That's a woman drinking beer on the toilet.

That's American, Robin.

That's apparently medically legitimate.

That's crazy.

That's for my class.

That's good. And I'm so sorry you didn't get any pizza.

That's great, but, um...

That's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. End of story. Now, shut your stupid face.

That's just bizarre.

That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team

That's kind of sweet.

That's like taking fashion advice from... Well, Ted Mosby.

That's my roommate's. I borrowed it.

That's Nick Swisher. He's a New York Yankee.

That's not a good nickname for Don. I'll think of a better one.

That's okay.

That's probably what you're hearing. But Saturday night sounds great.

That's prosciutto wrapped melon.

That's real original, guys.

That's right, the check

That's seared scallops with a mango chutney.

That's Shin Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class.

That's the 17th.

That's the important part, that it actually happened.

That's the whole dynamic of your relationship.

That's weird, I do.

That's weird. He hasn't said anything.

That's what you're wearing?

That's why I've created these questions. Question one. Who is this?

That's why it's funny!

That's why Lily's not jealous.

That's why the book says, "Never sleep with a guy on the first date."

That's why they watch. They made a drinking game out of you.

That's why you miss Marshall and Lily. And can't you just admit that?

The "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films.

The answer we were looking for was, "I don't care, it's dumb.

The best bullwhip on the market, according to my whip guy.

The Bill of Rights. Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready.

The book says that's forbidden.

The check came and, of course, I was going to pay,

The coffee was extraordinary.

The deadline for Marshall and Lily to find me a wife,

The duck is the thing you love.

The duck is the thing you love.

The famous Jenkins! How about that?

The fibers in this suit are less than 12 microns thick.

The first thing was that your mother was in that classroom.

The Flatiron Building. Fun story about it.

The future glows like a giant sun

The guys that you want to call you, who don't,

The horse drawn carriages were all but snowed in...

The Hoser Hut.

The long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell...

The male and female emperor penguins bow to each other?

The most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard.

The most important facial expression of all.

The only thing that we've learned is that

The other day she saw me play skee ball, and I don't know,

The other one settles for someone below theirs.

The part of the human brain that makes you hate people

The Perfect Week. Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections.

The point is, I like you.

The point is, I'm not giving up, either!

The point is... Boobs that pointed in opposite... The point is...

The poor guy showed up at our wedding hoping to win you back.

The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin.

The right one's ticklish, I guess.

The Robin Scherbatsky drinking game.

The same way she hypnotized all these geniuses.

The second thing?

The settler is never jealous of the reacher because where's the reacher gonna go?

The settler, Lily, is the best thing that the reacher, Marshall, is ever gonna get.

The superdate she truly deserved.

The tavern grew empty. The gaslights grew dim.

The test is in a few hours...

The truth is, I feel kind of weird being out with you.

The truth is, I had a great time tonight, and I'd love to see you again.

The two responses are so similar it's hard to tell them apart.

The US Navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean.

The very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant.

The very first description of the woman I'd one day marry.

The who now?

Then after a few minutes, on the bottom. Why should I do all the work?

Then again, she is pretty hot.

Then answer these questions if you please

Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek.

Then it's worth taking this risk 'cause

Then perchance, fair gentles,

Then we'll move on to the hot apps station.

Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us?

Then when she brings it, I'll just spit it out and say, "Try again."

Then why don't we take a rabbit, a duck,

Then you'll die in there.

There can only be one explanation for this.

There has always been one cutting edge profession

There is no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be...

There is no place I would rather be, and no one I'd rather be with.

There was a lot of Scotch and a lot of long nights at the shooting range.

There was a measles outbreak at school and they called a half day.

There was only one problem.

There were two things I didn't know that I wish I did.

There you are. I'm so sorry I kissed you yesterday.

There's a basement storage area?

There's a few places you just never want to be.

There's a loophole in here somewhere, and I'm gonna find it.

There's always a hotter girl. Isn't that the problem, in a nutshell?

There's no place I would rather be, and no one I would rather be...

There's no way you and I can ever be together.

There's one laurel that's always eluded you,

There's only one thing left to say...

There's something that I did want to say to you.

There's still pie.

There's such a thing as common sense, you know?

There's the door. You can go.

There's too many options. You got Internet dating. You got bars.

These are getting bigger.

These are just a few of the many contributions he made to architecture,

These guys are really starting to piss me off!

They don't realize they weren't lying.

They just couldn't say no.

They just moved here from Hawaii.

They owed Lily and Marshall an apology.

They play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday.

They realized they couldn't talk about this stuff at the bar,

They said I had A D... Something. Can we have class outside?

They still haven't had the talk, huh?

They sucked at it.

They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment.

They think we're insane now.

They're calling it a superdate. So...

They're funny and adorable and totally worth having to take six Benadryl a day.

They're gonna corner me and want a free lecture.

They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again.

They're taking this really hard.

They're your friends! Why would you just blatantly lie to them like that?

They've been looking for couple best friends forever.

Things are gonna work out with Tiffany.

Things with me and Robin are as good as they can possibly be.

Think about it.

Think about it. Don, Donald, Donald Duck.

This architectural gem was the first of its kind...

This Barney needs to be taught a lesson.

This Canadian.

This explains a lot.

This girl is special.

This is a web site Marshall already made about last night.

This is about the whole reacher settler thing.

This is Architecture 101. I am Professor Mosby,

This is Economics 305. You're in the wrong classroom.

This is good. We're learning stuff.

This is insane.

This is much more important than some stupid Perfect...

This is my phone! I'm taking it back! And I'm taking your cool nickname, too.

This is so embarrassing. Please don't tell anyone.

This is so exciting.

This is unbelievable.

This look is hunger. If you ever see Robin looking like this,

This newspaper reminded me of the other newspaper. Anyhoo...

This one has a moose, this one has a beaver,

This one's for you, Lil.

This ought to be good. I can only imagine the quality of girl that...

This phone is cursed. Cursed, I tell you!

This tie worn on the seventh night of his Perfect Week is hereby retired.

This wasn't your first spelling bee, was it?

This whole week was a waste.

This! This whole thing! We were having a perfectly nice trip,

Those trips were brutal, right?

Thought I'd come by here, have lunch, maybe give you the measles?

Three. Never, ever play the "Guess Who" game with her.

Thus ending modern architecture's very brief experiment

Tick tock goes the gouda clock.

Tiffany was on this guy's hook. It was a vicious cycle.

Tim Hortons, around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame,

Time to pucker up for the New York Rangers Kiss Cam!

Times Square on New Year's Eve. Rockefeller Center around Christmastime.

To a Bryan Adams/Rich Little double bill in Toronto.

To become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not,

To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time.

To break your friend Barney. Just say the word.

To determine whether or not he keeps his job.

To do something that would end our relationship?

To her father's emotional distance,

To make room for some new hot girl profession.

To make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy.

To score a ten would be just fine But I'd rather be dressed to the nines

To share a toothbrush with?

To this lady on my left.

To watch the Super Bowl.

To which hot girls, like Tiffany, have flocked.

To your point, Ted, as an innkeeper,

Tone down the kitty talk. Check.

Tonight was fantastic. We should do it again.

Tonight, the role of pound and a half lobster will be played by...

Took me less than a mile.

Totally!

Touched my nose.

Troubles of the world will simply have to wait

True patriot love...

True. But for those... I mean, for that...

Trust me. I dated Robin for a year. If you don't want to lose her,

Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights is not doing fine.

Turns you into a crazy person.

TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Super Bowl XLIVin Miami.

Twelve microns?

Twenty minutes late on your first day?

Twenty two hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive.

Two "F's".

Two of their best friends in the world got together.

Two, three, four

Ugh, Barney, sit down. You need to hear some stuff.

Uh huh.

Uh oh, looks like we got a taker.

Uh oh.

Uh oh. Did somebody break your heart?

Uh oh. Here we go. The dreaded Dale call.

Uh, dude, I'm a girl. Okay, our girl parts are like a spider web.

Uh, no, it doesn't.

Uh, okay, don't sleep with Anita.

Uh, Ted, what are you doing?

Um, Barney?

Um, I just have a little cold.

Um, I most certainly have not.

Um, it's April.

Um, this is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding.

Um. Excuse me for a second. What are you doing here?

Um. I have a problem. That was my wife.

Um...

Um... Who's buying canned chili and not eating it immediately?

Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do.

Unless I say "flügelhorn," you haven't gone too far.

Unless you go into the back room, but, honey, you gotta pay for that.

Until finally...

Until I broke that thing in half.

Until I got rack jacked by Phil Rizzuto.

Until the fall of 2009, when I finally had a date that was different

Until tonight.

Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin.

Until you decided to go on this stupid superdate with Anita.

Until, all of a sudden, it was the Friday before my first day as a college professor.

Until, one night, I went to go tell her how much I loved her,

Very bad.

Wait a minute! Aldrin's got a bead on her!

Wait a second. It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday.

Wait a second. The Origins of Chewbacca exhibit's in Montreal this year.

Wait a second. When we were dating you borrowed that toothbrush all the time.

Wait for it.

Wait, but that would mean... Oh, no.

Wait, I gotta ask. Why did you think I was snobby?

Wait, I have to get a book. Give me 30 seconds.

Wait, let me finish this real quick.

Wait, okay, yeah, we were sitting over there.

Wait, Scooter is working at your school?

Wait, this is the best part. I've been working on this for a while.

Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no! I remember that.

Wait, what are you saying?

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Wait, where did Ted go?

Wait, you dress your cats up in weird costumes.

Wait, you guys were serious about that?

Wait, you sicced Anita on Barney?

Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash?

Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Don't all leave!

Wait. Are you saying that for eight years,

Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist?

Wait. No, wait, if you leave now, Colonel Mustard just gets away with it.

Wait. Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out?

Wait. Robin, what exactly did Don say when he asked you out?

Wait. You did role playing exercises where I was played by Shin Ya?

Wanna marry my friend, Ted? Wanna marry my friend, Ted?

Want to be my date?

Want to marry my friend, Ted?

Was about to walk through that door.

Was actually proving to be true.

Was Mustache Pete Drexel, back in 1896.

Was off the charts.

Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage.

Wasn't me.

Watch.

We are not having the talk!

We both got some good shots in. Let's call a truce!

We can even go to a steak house.

We cremated the remains.

We didn't realize there was gonna be dinner.

We don't have to drive all night.

We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on.

We have a number two over here for Cook Pu.

We have to drink, professor. It's the rules.

We have to find Ted a wife. We're being too choosey.

We have. Go on.

We haven't seen you guys all week.

We just got back together.

We kept trying to have the talk and then we realized we hate the talk.

We left everything and everyone behind. It was just you and me!

We married long time.

We most certainly did.

We most certainly have not talked about this!

We never joke about B&B's, especially at the height of syrup season.

We never used to put on underwear!

We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem.

We sat down. We had the talk.

We scared off a really great couple just because we share a toothbrush.

We should've cleared it out for you much sooner.

We shouldn't have left Lily.

We spent the whole summer lying about being just friends.

We started drinking.

We sucked down a couple of tacos outside the subway.

We think of all the friends we've known

We went in here for a drink with your friends, who I loved.

We went on a great double date last night.

We were all having a really horrible week and you took our minds off it.

We were checking out Mustache Marshall.

We were cool. We were casual. We didn't spaz out.

We were gonna take cooking lessons together,

We were like Lewis and Clark,

We were searching all week, and then, a couple of hours ago...

We were wondering if you wanted to join us.

We will never be together in any sort of sexual way ever again!

We. We, you and I, are going to open it up and look for evidence.

We'd all started hearing about Jenkins a few weeks earlier.

We'd love a cornmeal body scrub!

We'd love a cornmeal body scrub!

We'll miss you, Whiskers.

We'll never sleep on the gouda again.

We'll pass a state trooper!

We're both afraid of commitment,

We're doing great.

We're experiencing some technical difficulties. You get that?

We're friends.

We're going to die alone, aren't we?

We're gonna get some coffee in you, we'll sober you up,

We're gonna stay up all night long.

We're having a beer with a New York Yankee. How cool is that!

We're just gonna grab a quick beer and then take these kooks

We're just hanging out at his place.

We're just not feeling it right now, but we'll totally still be friends.

We're keeping you on.

We're locked in here. Did you do this?

We're not going to the Origins of Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall.

We're not gonna have the talk!

We're not good at being friends. We're not good at being

We're not, like, weirdoes who share everything.

We're perfectly normal!

We're so lovable.

We're supposed to learn from you? You failed as an architect.

We're, like, this close to a cure.

We've all been on people's hooks, and we've all kept someone on a hook.

We've been on this exact blind date before.

Welcome to Robin 101.

Well done.

Well done. Adding a fake name to the sign up sheet.

Well, anything sounds weird if you say it 100 times.

Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest

Well, B+. Shin Ya kind of screwed up the curve.

Well, dog my cats. I think I know what's going on here.

Well, don't worry, the next exit's the hotel. We can go there.

Well, four. One burned through the can, the other one I drank already.

Well, good luck out there, Jen.

Well, good! Because my answer is no, too!

Well, guess what?

Well, guys, tonight is the night.

Well, he can't have enjoyed it as much as I'm enjoying this gouda!

Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God!

Well, he's not going to have the chance because I am putting old Mabel

Well, hello.

Well, hello.

Well, hello.

Well, hello.

Well, hello. Oh, I met you already.

Well, here's a $500 ticket for jumping in the river.

Well, here's my comment.

Well, how about this...

Well, I call 'em like I see 'em,

Well, I could go in for just one beer. What's the harm in that?

Well, I got a dinner rez.

Well, I guess if I had to say, then maybe I'd say

Well, I guess that's it. Barney's streak ends at six.

Well, I kept dropping hints that I was cold, but you didn't offer me your jacket.

Well, I know the board says "Professor Mosby," but to you,

Well, I mean, he's dead now, but he haunts a barn off Route 108.

Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right?

Well, I tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class,

Well, I'd say it's neither. That's what makes us great.

Well, I'll believe that when I see it.

Well, I'm breaking all my rules coming down here,

Well, I'm just saying, like, me in my prime versus her in her prime.

Well, if you have to seal the deal in just one date,

Well, if you're so worried, why don't you give her a call?

Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board.

Well, it all started a week ago.

Well, it happened.

Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom.

Well, it... It's this book that helps single girls find a husband.

Well, it'll be great to finally meet the famous Jenkins

Well, it's apples and oranges. She's younger than you.

Well, it's not that simple. I'm a Canadian. I was born there.

Well, last night was great, today not so much.

Well, let him down easy. People are fragile.

Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel resin like Lily here.

Well, listen, now's not a good time. But we'll call you.

Well, look at that.

Well, maybe the problem is your attitude. You're not listening to a word I say.

Well, not all of us.

Well, say, gun to your head, you had to say one of us was the reacher.

Well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. But, hey, that happens.

Well, she's not getting any younger.

Well, since you know me pretty well,

Well, thanks to her, the only thing that could ruin a surefire hook up

Well, that and the fact that elaborate lies really turn us on.

Well, that doesn't prove anything.

Well, that's easy. Here's the plan. Step one, sleep with Jenkins.

Well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date.

Well, the joke's on the rest of the world because we can do that on our own.

Well, the truth is, we watch it for the drinking game.

Well, then I guess it's not a very good drinking game,

Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow.

Well, there's only one possible way to avoid getting deported.

Well, to answer that question, we have to back up a little bit.

Well, to explain that, we have to go back to the beginning of the summer,

Well, unfortunately, I'm going to have to leave the country soon

Well, we don't want to jinx it, but we kind of think they might be the two.

Well, we should probably be going.

Well, we were on the air. I was on the spot, so I said okay.

Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar.

Well, well, what about this? World's End by T.C. Boyle?

Well, what about Catwoman?

Well, what can I say except, "But ums up."

Well, what's the harm? Hello?

Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now.

Well, with a slight assist from the Wesleyan housing department.

Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade

Well, you'll see it right now.

Well, you're in luck. 'Cause mine's the tiniest.

Well, you've got your cats.

Well...

Well...

Were getting e mails like this.

Were you always this pretty? Or are you gonna give me that whole

Westchester. Why?

What about brunch? Is brunch cool?

What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta?

What about that poor camera guy you work with?

What about the heater?

What about this? This is ridiculous.

What about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades?

What about you, Robin? You dating anyone?

What are we going to use for charades, sweetie?

What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily.

What are you gonna do? It happened. Terrible.

What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook?

What can I do to make it up to you?

What do I have to do? Put a gun to your head?

What do you know about this, Marshall?

What do you mean, the egg timer is broken?

What do you mean?

What do you say we go back to my place?

What exactly is "Ted's fault"?

What have I done?

What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry,

What if world peace Were within your reach?

What in the world is up?

What is wrong with you?

What kind of changes are we talking about?

What kind of professor was I gonna be?

What kind of treatments do you offer?

What she means to you

What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen,

What the hell do you two think you're doing?

What the hell is the Sexless Innkeeper?

What the hell? But only light beer

What time is it?

What were we talking about?

What would you do if you had to choose Between your suits and a pot of gold?

What would you pick? One million chicks

What would you say if you gave your suits away

What would your viewer think?

What you need to do is talk through this stuff.

What, are you... What... Are you crazy? It is a hot bartender.

What, why?

What, you can be choosey? You're in a bar on Valentine's Day, huh?

What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh?

What, you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?

What, you're not sharing? You two always share a burger.

What?

What? Do you want a foot massage? 'Cause I've been practicing on myself.

What? Getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?

What? How could this be?

What? It's just a job.

What? No, what are you talking about?

What? No! I hate Don!

What? No! I hate Don!

What? Oh, no.

What? Perfect Week?

What? Tax evasion.

What? That's crazy. What gave you that idea?

What? That's not distracting.

What? Why?

What? Why? Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in?

What? You watch the show?

What... Couldn't you have gone before we left?

What's going on?

What's going on? There's a huge line outside MacLaren's.

What's she like?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, that's who I'm going home with tonight.

Whatever happened to classics, right. You know, Seymour Butts?

Whatever. Did you find out why

Whatever. Just another night for Big Fudge.

When everything will work out.

When I first mentioned you, she mistakenly thought you were a guy,

When I moved to the States,

When I never got treated that way.

When I was 18, I had an arranged marriage.

When Robin's PMS ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?

When she wakes up, she's going to freak!

When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course

When you stood up and told off those people, I thought,

When you were putting nothing but wood in the 50 hole?

When you're too much of a coward to dump them.

When, after a year of wrestling with their feelings for each other,

Whenever we wanted to give something away, we'd put it right there.

Where are you taking me, Barney?

Where are you taking me?

Where are you taking me?

Where do I sign?

Where do you see this relationship going?

Where does this girl live, exactly?

Where paradise awaits

Where'd we go next?

Where's Lily?

Where's the phone?

Whether it's in the dating world...

Which brings us to an important point.

Which brings us to last week. What was the story there?

Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service.

Which one of these girls looks the dumbest?

Which would mean last night, when Barney and I played it,

While she's been going through her mourning period.

While you sewed a button back on your sweater.

Who are perfect for us.

Who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, but actually kind of likes them?

Who invited their dad, right?

Who invited their dad, right?

Who knows what would have happened?

Who looked exactly like members of our group.

Who the hell are these people?

Who the hell is that guy?

Who was that?

Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone?

Who you barely know, on this amazing date,

Who, by the way, was not your mom. Your mom was sitting...

Who, I guess, has boobs.

Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes? That guy?

Who's cozier?

Who's Jenkins?

Whoa, looks like you've been gone awhile.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Something troubling you, kiddo?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa. What are you trip...

Whoo!

Whoo!

Why are you angry at me?

Why did I ever think it would work on someone like you?

Why do Lily and Marshall think it was such a hit?

Why do you care anyway? You said he was a total dork.

Why do you want to be an architect?

Why don't you swing by Don's party with me?

Why else would he buy me flowers? He's getting some on the side.

Why else would you be taking her on this superdate?

Why is Barney totally hitting it off with third martini girl over there?

Why is Ted teaching a class about me?

Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy and girl?

Why is Ulee's Gold in every crossword?

Why not just keep lying?

Why not just say you have a kid?

Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me?

Why would Ted order rabbit if he was just gonna run out?

Why would you do this? What were you thinking?

Why, I had a run in with one just last year.

Why?

Why?

Why? Is this a trap? Are you a Packers fan?

Why... There's just so much you need to know about her.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

Wide, unblinking eyes.

Wish I could say the same for my friends.

Wish I could.

With a guy she truly deserved.

With a sensible mortgage I can handle without dipping into my savings.

With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon.

With Jenkins, on Jenkins, near Jenkins. You name it.

With the skates and the sticks walked in here?

With the V frame house.

Without feeling guilty, or, you know, killing me off.

WOMAN ON STEREO: Goodbye Sparky, by Nick Leotti.

WOMAN: This ends disc seven. The audio book continues on disc eight.

Worst night ever.

Would you be interested in the two person, cornmeal body scrub?

Would you excuse me for one moment?

Would you just have the talk, okay?

Would you like a margarita?

Would you rewind it all the time Rewind it all the time

Wow, back to back nights. Barney is on fire.

Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls

Wow, it sounds like this is getting pretty serious.

Wow, she crawls fast.

Wow, that's bad.

Wow, there's really six of them.

Wow, three girls in three nights? That's gross even for Barney.

Wow, what changed your mind?

Wow, you can't even think of one. Headlights. Deer.

Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you?

Wow! Look, I didn't mean to stare. It's just... I watch your show all the time.

Wow.

Wow. I knew I was bad at being a boyfriend,

Wow. Really?

Write down that definition on a piece of paper,

Yeah, "Ted."

Yeah, and besides, they have a spa.

Yeah, and I have 30 students in my class. That's what, 30 times your viewership?

Yeah, and they were so nervous,

Yeah, and think about it. If the rules are that strict,

Yeah, bait is tricky.

Yeah, baseball, it's amazing. But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey.

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure 200 architecture students

Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell?

Yeah, but it's not like you're in my class.

Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom.

Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom.

Yeah, did you jump on that thing? Give it a ride?

Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters?

Yeah, exactly. Barney's dating again, and he couldn't be happier.

Yeah, he's gonna take a swat at that hamburglar over there.

Yeah, here's my question, Ted, who the hell do you think you are?

Yeah, I gotta agree. Ducks up, rabbits down.

Yeah, I have a whip guy.

Yeah, I think my high school boyfriend, Scooter, is still sort of on the hook for me.

Yeah, I... I would.

Yeah, isn't it a little early in our relationship

Yeah, it's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything.

Yeah, of course. Why... Why wouldn't I be?

Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom?

Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook.

Yeah, that is weird.

Yeah, that would've been good.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

Yeah, the talk sucks. You have to, like, talk,

Yeah, there's no people. Just the girl you most recently dated.

Yeah, today I had that presentation

Yeah, tough luck, every Saturday night I've ever had,

Yeah, we knew you would say that. That's why we kept it a secret.

Yeah, well, it's nice to know "past me" wasn't a total jackass, huh?

Yeah, well, that Camembert crisis isn't gonna resolve itself,

Yeah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled...

Yeah, you too. Okay. Bye, Don.

Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause I would never... Could, like... Standards, so...

Yeah. A girlfriend's a bit much, Brad, okay? We...

Yeah. And she has this crazy habit of making breakfast food sing show tunes.

Yeah. I had my first student drop my class. It sucked.

Yeah. It's still sometimes weird when I see him at work.

Yeah. It's us. You understand, right?

Yeah. See, there is no such thing as a jinx.

Yeah. The only player in history to have ever achieved both

Yeah. We were all sitting over there.

Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway?

Yeah. Yeah. Tell him. Tell him.

Yeah. You know, that's exactly what it sounds like.

Years earlier to the curb right in front of our building.

Yellow, that reminds me. I have to pee.

Yep. "Right now" paints a picture of some sort of magical future time

Yep. Carriage ride, dinner at Le Tombeur des Culottes.

Yep. Here it is. "No sex until after 17 dates."

Yep. Somebody doesn't want to lose "big brown eyes."

Yes, he does.

Yes, I could've nailed her But no, it's not a failure

Yes, Robin?

Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me,

Yes, we have. I've mentioned it tons of times.

Yes, we're to the rhyming section now.

Yes.

Yes. Of course. A plan taketh shape.

Yes. Proof. Good word. I'm glad you brought that up.

Yes. Yes, exactly.

Yes. Yes. Do that.

You "right nowed" Scooter?

You actually think you're some kind of an expert on me?

You and Robin need to have the talk.

You are a tremendous news anchor.

You are an American.

You are just using meaningless sex to distract yourself

You are the best, you are the best.

You are wrong. The ladies dig the professor look.

You are? That is so awesome! I love those things!

You called me, said you were never coming back.

You can be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework for me.

You can lick my hand as long as you want.

You can look at it for hours and be absolutely sure it's a rabbit.

You can't distract the man in the middle of you know what!

You can't get some crib sheet on dating me. That's not how it works.

You chant anything, people will join in.

You could be putting your job in jeopardy.

You could just, like, watch me play skee ball,

You could say that.

You deserve the truth.

You do realize they were lying, right?

You don't have a choice, right? None of you has a choice.

You don't have to take her to Paris or Peru

You don't take questions on the first day. It shows weakness.

You don't.

You empower yourself while simultaneously turning any jerk

You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.

You go on your date. Happy Valentine's Day.

You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze...

You got to scoop him up before someone else does.

You gotta go.

You gotta try a little harder.

You guys are boyfriend and girlfriend.

You guys are going to want to get in on this gouda.

You guys finished?

You guys got Wendy saying it now?

You guys remember Ranjit.

You guys will not believe this. I've been talking to my lawyer all morning.

You guys will not believe what Jenkins did this time.

You guys, her hotness isn't even real!

You had a classroom full of people to cheer you on

You have a boyfriend?

You have a teacup pig? Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you have a teacup pig.

You have my permission to fantasize about her.

You have to choose right now.

You have to clean your gun.

You have to drink every time she says "but, um."

You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that he can move on,

You have to say it.

You have to stop sending those to people.

You haven't learned anything.

You just have to make her understand

You just look up and there they are.

You just picked out the only three things in here that are my roommate's.

You just think you're happy because you feel happy.

You kill me off?

You know how Lily and I have been looking for new couple friends

You know that guy I had a slight disagreement with at the Hoser Hut?

You know the one.

You know what it's like?

You know what we should do? We should retrace the rest of that night

You know what we should do? We should...

You know what, Boomer? You can keep that.

You know what, I kind of am. Don't tell Marshall.

You know what? That mushroom's not the only thing that's leaving.

You know what? We forgot about this. I'm sure Ted did also.

You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment

You know what? We're not gonna work, ever.

You know who had fun, was Lily.

You know, and now you're taking Anita,

You know, brunch actually does sound kind of good.

You know, I can't believe you, Ted.

You know, I don't come here that much.

You know, I really think that Don and I are hitting our stride as a news team.

You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature

You know, I've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches.

You know, in a way, I was right. You cheated.

You know, it was nice. We had a good time.

You know, it's funny, I remember when you used to say things like that about me.

You know, it's like, bang, bang, bang, bang.

You know, just be present.

You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice.

You know, sometimes that guy, with the horn rimmed glasses

You know, that, I just... I cancelled.

You know, there is something to that.

You know, with the ferrets? Maybe they want to come over and play Taboo.

You know. I thought this was a party.

You learn the hard way, though. One mistake, and it's all over.

You like having Henrietta around

You look like the classiest, most expensive prostitute ever.

You may now return to being pointless.

You may return to your seats.

You may return to your seats.

You might rip someone's beating heart out and stomp on it

You need to define the relationship. You need to have the talk.

You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all.

You picked each other.

You play bass? Seriously, ask my friends.

You really smeared the Pu name.

You said you wanted my help.

You said you'd go out with him on Valentine's? I thought we had plans.

You saw the goatee.

You say the word and I will destroy him.

You see, you're the only star in the film I never made

You share a toothbrush!

You should be flattered.

You should call a doctor if you don't have an erection for more than four hours.

You should come by if you want.

You should find someone else,

You should know something about my stuff below the belt.

You should try it. I have some more.

You should've seen this girl. Bang, ping, pawdau, gu dunk.

You shouldn't be alone tonight.

You sure don't seem like a Canadian.

You think that's his real number?

You thought, "This guy's a duck."

You understand?

You want to go to the store and get some beer?

You want to go? You want to go? Come on!

You want to have sex with Jenkins?

You want to make me jealous, so you're making up a story about Jenkins.

You want to see my rap poster?

You went Canadian.

You were about to achieve something so beautiful.

You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job.

You were there. It was the...

You will not believe who we saw tonight.

You wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair.

You, me, the canned food aisle in the bodega next door.

You, too, Ted.

You.

You... But you're... Haven't you all... I'm... Really?

You... You want to distract someone,

You'd be surprised how many jerks there are out there.

You'll find your shellfish lady.

You're a gold medalist Japanese figure skater?

You're a hot chick?

You're a hot lady bullfighter?

You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz.

You're a sturdy, cheese bearing cracker!

You're an idiot.

You're cute, Marshall,

You're doing the right thing.

You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel.

You're exactly where you're supposed to be.

You're going out with a bang.

You're gonna lock us in here? Well, guess what?

You're in Toronto.

You're Jenkins?

You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women.

You're just my life, baby, and I love you.

You're just so cute. Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever.

You're kidding me. You don't know that?

You're my wife. You're supposed to stop me

You're not going to like the answer.

You're not interested in, nor probably even capable of having sex.

You're not upset because you're worried she's mad.

You're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found.

You're probably wondering why I've been quiet all night.

You're right. Day after tomorrow, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

You're talking nonsense.

You're Ted?

You're the Sexless Innkeeper.

You're upset because you'd rather be with her, eating muffins

You're waiting for me to comment on your self assigned nickname.

You're wearing pants.

You're writing a dissertation entitled "Foreign Direct Investment

You've already proven that I'm not important to you.

You've been together all summer. I don't get it.

Young man, for the last 28 years,

Your first novel was written more quickly.

Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor is hanging up in the den as we speak.

Your students might actually pay attention and learn something.

Your suit's death could mean another suit's life.

Your Uncle Barney had officially suited down.

Your Uncle Barney.

Yowza! Now look at this one.

"But, um." Nice.

"But, um"? "But, um."

"But, um"? Yeah.

"Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?" Yes!

"Yeah, America's cool." Hmm.

"You're an idiot"? Yup.

(BARNEY CHUCKLES) For God's sake!

(CELL PHONE RINGING) And it is getting interesting.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Or this one. Or this one. Or this one.

(CHUCKLING) She's... Shea... Shea.

(CLEARING THROAT) Kiss ass. You know, half the stuff

(CRYING) Here. Cook Pu!

(DOOR CLOSES) Right?

(DOOR OPENING) And hope returned to their hearts.

(EX CLAIMS) Ha!

(GASPS) Yeah, how'd you know? Poor Marshall.

(GROANS IN DISGUST) Who needs it? You "needs" it.

(LAUGHING) I know, right? (LAUGHING) Totally.

(MUTTERING) I'll think about it.

(SCOFFS) Come on, Marshall. Let's go. Yeah. Let's go.

(SIGHING) All summer. I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

(STAMMERING) Hey. Wait... Girlfriend? (STAMMERING) Wow...

A fedora. Mmm.

A superdate? Mmm hmm.

A teacup pig. (GRUNTING)

after all those stories. Yeah.

All right, wish me luck. It's never going to happen.

All right. Leave it to me.

and I think it has my home address. And your work address.

And it was kind of great. That's awesome, Ted.

And Oprah's tried everything? Everything! You have to decide now!

and so... So now you're worried

and that I'm sorry. No, I...

and that is it. You're Robin Scherbatsky, right?

And that's not happy? Of course not.

and the whole night was ruined. Ruined!

And they all work with Tiffany? Yep.

And this is a Turkish coffee. Thank you, Mike.

and we... Do it.

and you seem... Cook Pu!

And you're a great guy. Yes, I'll go out with you.

And you're Big Fudge. The biggest.

Any questions? ROBIN: Yeah, I have one.

Are you jealous? No, I just feel bad for Scooter.

Barney West Side speaking. No, no, no, no, wait. I love it so much!

Barney, welcome. Thanks, Jim.

BARNEY: Okay, be out in a sec. Okay.

BARNEY: Were you there? I got you, buddy.

Barney. Huh.

Barney. Oh, hey, Anita.

Barney. What? I'm tweeting about you.

Barney's my boyfriend now. And Robin's my girlfriend.

Barrel resin? Just go with it.

Because it's illegal, Ted! Only if we bet on it, Marshall!

Because thanks to Ted's book... That's Robin's. It's Robin's book.

Being single sucks. Mmm.

between his wife's tatas. I'll kill you!

Blah, blah? Committed.

Bowl. I don't know.

Bowl. Bowl. I mean, you've had some

Bowl. Bowl. I understand.

Bowl. Bowl. That's happened three times.

Brutal. Really? How?

But I like finding typos in menus. What?

But other than that, things are good? Bowl.

but you're not ready. Tell me.

But, um! But, um!

But, um! But, um!

But, um! But, um!

But, um! But, um!

But, um! But, um!

But, um! But, um!

But, um. But, um.

But, yeah, do that. Mmm.

Buy you a six pack? Come on, Brad, that's...

Can I borrow your teacup pig? Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig.

Can I get another $100? That was $100?

Can we just... Okay.

Can you get me some ice? Of course.

Champagne? Ted! Oh, my gosh. I forgot to call you.

Come on, girl. Let's go get our drink on! Okay.

Come on. (SIGHING) Fine.

Congratulations, buddy. Thanks.

Cook Pu. Dale call yet?

Correct. (EX CLAIMS HAPPILY)

CROWD: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Damn it! How could I do this? It's okay.

Damn! I've tried.

Define the relationship. Yes! No!

Do you have a phone book? Yes, I do!

Do you know anyone? Yeah, let me think.

Do you want to? Yeah.

Don't want to leave out righty. Oh, no.

Done. Barney,

Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this. Sorry. You're right.

Dude! Right.

Dude. There's no shame in admitting it, Ted.

Dude... We saw the third doppelganger!

Eh. Ha!

Ever! Finish him!

Everything all right? Absolutely. Sure. Top of the world.

Exactly. Exactly.

Fantasy football. Fantasy football.

Follow my lead. Okay.

from a really serious issue. It is not meaningless, okay?

Get rid of it! What?

God, I'm buzzing on America right now! All right, hold your horses.

gonna help him? How is ignoring it gonna solve anything?

Good effort. Good game. Good game.

Good game. Good game. Not good enough.

Great to be back on the show. Good to have you with us.

Great to be back on the show. Good to have you with us.

Gremlins? Gremlins.

Guys, we need to talk to him. I'll go. He needs a bro.

Have a seat. Hi.

He asked you out? He asked me out.

He did. He did! He did! Okay.

He looks nice in a suit. She can handle her scotch.

He's cheating on me. What?

He's everything I want Marshall to be. He's everything I wish I could be.

He's my boyfriend. And she's my girlfriend.

Hear what? (SHUSHING)

Hello? Hey, baby, I'm on my way up.

Hello? Hey, Robin.

Hello? Hey, Ted.

Hello? I get her up against the StairMaster,

Hello? Jen, I'm sorry.

Hello. Hey, Ranjit. Good to see you.

Hello. Hey.

Her tongue was in my mouth! Sure it was.

Here's your burgers. Thank you.

Here's your change. I'm not American.

Hey, Barn. Hey...

Hey, buddy. Hey.

Hey, guys. (BOTH MUTTERING)

Hey, guys. Hi.

Hey, guys. Ted, this is Jenkins.

Hey, Jenkins. Hey, buddy.

Hey, man. Sorry about what I said before. (SHUSHING)

Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out. Yeah.

Hey, sorry I went a little too far last night. Look, we've been over this.

Hey, Ted. Hey.

Hey, Ted... You can't have to go again.

Hey, what you singing? Just a little ditty I wrote

Hey, you can whip me if you want. I will, some other time.

Hey! Hey, guys. Hey, hey, hey! Long time no see.

Hey. Come on in.

Hey. Hey, Barney. What's up?

Hey. Hey, how was your date with Cindy?

Hey. Hey, how's it going?

Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hi.

Hi, Marshall. Hey, guys, what's happening?

Honest to God. Hey. Hey.

How are you? Good. Come in.

How are you? Good. Come in.

How Canadian? (SIGHS)

How did school go today, Ted? Something bad happened.

How do you even know her? She was on my show.

How good was Dead Poets Society? I know, right? The end? Tears.

How old was he? Seven.

How'd the big date go? Uh, pretty well.

How's it goin'? Hey.

I am hot! Yeah.

I bet it'll be all gooey and romantic, huh? Gooey and romantic?

I can't believe you jinxed him. He doesn't stand a chance out there.

I can't help it. I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen,

I do not love Don. Robin, neurologically speaking,

I don't think the talk is necessary. (HIGH PITCHED) What?

I don't want to stop having sex. Oh, good. Me, neither.

I got to run, okay? Okay.

I gotta go. Thank God you're here.

I guess I missed it. Oh, sorry. You're American.

I hope that doesn't make you mad. Mad?

I know something we're good at. I don't know.

I love it! Really?

I love this so much! Kill me!

I said, a bang, bang, bangity bang Bang, bang, bang

I think Barney's been single for too long. Bowl.

I think I'm gonna go small boobs tonight. You're disgusting.

I think she's a dominatrix. What?

I think we went to MacLaren's. Okay.

I think you should just give it up. ROBIN: Hmm.

I thought about it. Oh, this pilates instructor

I thought we did everything right. I know!

I told you there was no Ted. HENRIETTA: I heard that!

I was born a little different. God, no. Brad, no.

I was there. Holy cow, that guy had game. TED: Mmm hmm.

I was thinking 9:00, 9:30. Hmm.

I will. Yeah,

I won. (CELL PHONE RINGING)

I won't be hurt. Can't do it.

I'm getting recognized from my show. Robin, that is so cute.

I'm gonna go talk to him. Wait, no!

I'm Marshall. Hi, Marshall.

I'm so sorry. It's just the whip's not a toy, Ted.

I'm sorry, Ted! I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry.

I'm the settler. How could you say that?

Is that right? Well... LILY: Really?

Is this cashmere? Cashmere?

Is this the talk? What?

It got Ionely. (DOORBELL RINGING)

it is a man in a suit. Ugh.

It was brutal. Oh. I'm sorry, buddy.

It's 8:00. 8:00?

It's a little brisk out tonight, huh? Not really.

It's a phone girl? I know, I know.

It's a rich area. It is.

It's called manners. Sounds like she read that book,

It's disgusting. Because it's harmless.

It's hidden. Where?

It's just not that easy. False.

It's mine! Give me the phone!

It's over. What's over?

It's silk. (CRYING) I'm sorry.

It's Ted's bait. Bait?

Jenkins. I can't wait to meet him.

Jenkins. Jenkins.

Just one sec. Sure.

Just the best. Hey, girlfriend trouble?

Kind of gross. Making me wonder if this pizza

Let me just go freshen up. All right.

Let's do it again, soon. Yeah, we'll call you.

Let's talk in my room. Okay.

lf Lady Lily... I got it, buddy. I got it.

Lil! That's good.

Lily can't find out what? That Marshall's gonna buy her a horse.

Lily, can't you just let us be happy? You're not happy.

Lily, let us out of here. I'd be glad to.

Lily, listen. Barney's awesome.

Lily, slow your roll there, lily pad. Okay? Yeah. Yeah.

Lily, volume. Use your indoor "whoo." Sorry. (SOFTLY) Whoo.

LILY: Well, bye. I'll see you. It's good to meet you.

Lily! Hey, baby...

Lily? Who?

Listen to the Sparky book again. Okay. Let's listen to it again.

MacLaren's Pub! MacLaren's Pub!

MacLaren's Pub! MacLaren's Pub!

MacLaren's Pub. MacLaren's Pub.

Man, Ted's right. It's tough out there. This is stupid.

Marshall, I can do this by myself. Okay. Well, then, prove it.

Marshall, tell her. We're all friends here. (LAUGHING) No, we're not.

Marshall, you're blocking the shot! Well, I...

Marshall! I'm sorry. But he's adorable.

Maybe he just doesn't have it in him. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl.

Maybe this whole thing's a big mistake. Bowl.

Maybe we should call this whole thing off. No. Ted. We got her.

Me? ALL: Ted?

Men Are From Mars... Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine!

Meow, meow, meow, meow Cat funeral

Meow, meow, meow, meow Cat funeral

Mike and I are just friends. Come on!

Mmm hmm? Yeah? I'm so sorry that we left you.

Mmm hmm. Social experiment.

My name's not Boomer. Oh, in my head, it is.

New super hot bartender. Oh, yeah?

Nice, Jim. Hey, I try. I'm no you.

No, he didn't. Yes, he did.

No, I'm good. Okay.

No, thanks. You sure?

No, that's not it. I don't know. Bowl. Bowl.

No! What's Gazzola's?

No! No! No! Yes.

No! Oh, God. Where is she? I think she's in the restroom.

No. Fifth date.

No. Flügelhorn. Did you do this?

No. How about you? You interested?

No. The 11th date.

No. Tonight before dinner.

No. Tonight.

No. No, no boyfriend. BRAD: Great! It's a date.

No. Why are you... Guys, guys, guys, look!

Nope. Third. Oh! Good for you, but, um...

Not good enough. Not good enough!

Not good enough. Not good enough!

Not good enough. Not good enough!

Not really. 'Twas the night before this one,

Now, can we please get out of here? Yeah. I'll grab my coat.

Of course. "Or the third date."

Oh, boy. What's this?

Oh, Curling. It's a sport played... Wrong.

Oh, good. I mean, technically, he kind of is.

Oh, hey, Robin. Hey.

Oh, I love this! Yeah.

Oh, my God, that sucks! Yeah.

Oh, my God, you are so funny. (MUMBLES)

Oh, my God! He's gonna do it.

Oh, my God! Are you okay? Yeah. Sorry, I'm such a klutz.

Oh, my God. TED: Kill me!

Oh, my God. Whoa! He's calling his shot.

Oh, she is so on your hook. Absolutely not!

Oh, yeah. All right.

Oh, you know what, Mike, that'd be great. You?

Oh! So, you guys are... Well, we don't know what we are.

Oh! Thank God you're here. Yeah. I've been thinking.

Oh! We got... Okay, all right.

Okay, Barney. Sorry.

Okay, now, we have to figure this out. (BREATHING HEAVILY) Yes, we do.

Okay. And whatever you do,

Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay. Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it,

Okay. Pop quiz. What...

Ooh. BARNEY: Wow.

Pants. Pants.

Pelican Rapids? No way! Yeah.

Permission to say "lawyered"? I'll allow it.

Please forgive me. Kiss my husband? My husband?

Pretty, pretty well. Like, how pretty well?

Professor Mosby? Yes, Susan?

Promise? Promise.

Punch buggy yellow! (EX CLAIMS IN PAIN)

Py is a total foodie and Shea, well... Mmm!

Queen Elizabeth II. No, the answer is Elton John.

Really? Really?

Really? The Unicorns?

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Really.

Relationship? Bellevue.

Remember? Oh, yeah! I do remember.

Right now. Man up!

Right now. Oh, come on, grow a pair!

Road trip! (MARSHALL CHUCKLES)

Robin cancelled her date. What?

Robin, I have to apologize. Save it. Let's just do the news.

Robin, I know you're upset. What? No.

Robin, I'm looking for something serious. No, Brad, no, it's...

ROBIN: Hey, Ted. Yeah.

Saturday night? Is he asking you out?

Say yes! Say yes! Look, Don, listen,

See you, sweetie. Good luck. Bye, babe.

Seriously? No.

seven years from now? Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen.

Shall I walk you through the history? I'm gonna explicitly say no.

She bought it. Hook, line and sinker.

She did that, too! Now, here's the final test.

She has no business in your fantasies. It's all I know, okay?

She really said that? And she meant it.

She seemed so happy after the breakup. Oh, Ted. So unobservant.

She wasn't jealous at all! Of course she wasn't jealous.

She's completely overreacting, right? Actually, Ted, she has a point.

She's in a band. Damn, that's cool.

Snow globe collection? He's throwing junk out there!

So unobservant. Such a guy.

So you went to a strip club? (CHUCKLING) Busted.

So, are you sure you're not upset? Well, of course I'm upset, Barney!

So, is it hard to grade papers? No, you just got to make it fun.

So, Jen, what do you do? I'm between jobs. Banking crisis.

So, what about you? I'm an architect.

So? So, that's weird, right?

So? That's right now.

Son! Yeah, well... There's been a...

Sorry about that. So, any thoughts on food?

Sort of a weird thing to say to a pig. It felt really wrong.

Strip club? Strip club.

Suits A wingman I can wear

Suits In navy blue or black

Suits The perfect way to snare

Suits They're oh, so debonair

Swisher's back in play! Follow me.

Take care. Bye. Bye!

Tantrum! Tantrum!

Ted, are you out there? Ted's not here, Robin.

Ted, I have a confession. Hmm.

Ted! Ted!

Ted? Jen?

Tell me about him. Huh.

Thank you very much. Yes. You got it?

Thanks for coming by, Robin. Well, tune in tonight.

Thanks, man. You're a terrible couple.

Thanks, Skip. Yo.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That beer looks a little flat. It's scotch.

That is not true. It is true.

That sounds gooey and romantic. Yeah.

That was a lie? We had just started dating.

That was amazing, Lily! Yeah.

That'll be $6.75. Here's a 50, keep the change.

That's correct. But, um...

That's great, honey. What the hell is that?

That's okay. And I'm sorry I had sex with you

That's putting it a bit strongly. Okay. A bit strongly. She's not my girlfriend.

That's rough. Yeah, but here's the funny thing.

That's what it's like with the Yankees. Barney's screwed.

The rabbit is the thing you hate. What?

Then why are you crying right now? I'm not crying.

They're not gonna get hot... I'm just saying, if they do, I'll just say,

This is about me and Barney. You and...

to avoid on the subway... The answer may surprise you.

Totally. "Or the second date."

Trick question. Get her butterscotch. Correct! Why?

Trouble? What trouble? It's... No, it's nothing.

Trudy? Married.

Twelve. Twelve.

U S A, U S A, U S A, U S A. (CROWD CHANTING)

Ugh. Yeah.

Uh, but I can't. Why not? You have a boyfriend?

Uh, yeah, I can't talk right now. I'm speechless, too.

Um... I don't know how to make an "um."

Wait a minute, you want him to call? No. Shut up.

Wait a minute. You're Big Fudge! Go!

Wait for it. We know you're going to say "suits."

Wait, did you finish my delicates? I got one more load.

Wait, wait... Look, we just want...

Wait, you can do that? Yeah, dummy.

Watch out for this guy. He steals stuff. I don't steal stuff.

We are good. Totally.

We ate nothing but jerky. Drank nothing but Tantrum.

We did that already. No, like, really big boobs.

We really are. Okay, I'm in. Great.

We should figure out what this is. Yes, we should.

We're not talking about flavor, Ted! Flavor counts!

We've been on this date before. We've been on this date before.

Welcome. Gouda?

Welcome. Gouda?

Well, come on. That story you did on which rodents

Well, count me in for a verse. Great!

Well, good night. What? Wait, what?

Well, I still do. Yeah. Not as much, Lily.

Well, is he or isn't he? Some of both, but definitely not neither.

Well, that explains where Barney is. Dibs on his wings.

Well, them and Ted. What?

Well... "Or the fourth date."

Well... And if you're a professor,

Well... Oh, my God!

What a jerk! You're a jerk.

What am I gonna do? Well, there is one other option,

What are you doing out with Ted? It's Professor Mosby.

What are you doing? Cleaning.

What do these mean? You guys just had sex?

What do you mean you... Wait... Hey... Hey, what's wrong?

What do you mean? I can use the power of no

What do you mean? Think about it.

What do you think about that? Well, I guess sometimes that's the case.

What do you want? Drop the act, baby doll...

What do you want? Look.

What game? The Leafs beat Edmonton.

what Robin really wants, deep down... I'm bored.

What the hell are you doing? What?

What the hell are you thinking? Robin, you've got to do this, okay?

What, what? Is she upset or something? Of course she's upset.

What! I am not keeping Mike on the hook! You are Captain Hook!

What? It's a prix fixe menu for Valentine's Day,

What? Jenkins kissed me.

What? Shh. Take the hit. Take the hit.

What? Ted, throughout time,

What? We got her. It's the craziest thing.

What? Yeah, we were gonna play

What? Yes, I am.

What? You heard me.

What? Are you joking? What?

What? No, of course not. Right.

What? What? I'm not on the hook. Oh, you are totally on the hook.

What's that supposed to mean? Well, it's like this, my man.

where I'm an anchor, so... I watch your show all the time.

where's your hat and your whip? They're at home. I...

Who needs them? (SCOFFS) Not us.

Whoa! Flügelhorn. Yeah, that felt wrong.

Why not tomorrow? Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday.

Why? No, I said, "Guess who?"

Why? Give me one good reason. I'll give you 20.

Will you call me? Absolutely.

With quill? Barney. It's a poem.

Would you care to hear it? Not really.

Would you tell me how many dates? Seventeen.

Wow. Wow.

Wow. Yeah.

Yeah, friends isn't gonna work. Nope.

Yeah, give me two coffees. $3.50, please.

Yeah, I could see how that'd be a problem. Exactly. That's why Lily can't find out.

Yeah, I heard him. Okay.

Yeah, it's no problem. All right. Hey, ho.

Yeah, so... It's just...

Yeah, you are. That's exactly what you are.

Yeah! So good! Yes!

Yeah? That's hard to believe. Why?

Yeah. But most of all...

Yeah. Come on, Barney!

Yeah. Like, one toothbrush?

Yeah. Not, however, a super time.

Yeah. Or... Or...

Yeah. Wouldn't want you to feel like

Yeah. How did you know that? And you never thought to mention that?

Yeah. Much more impressive now, isn't it? Yeah!

Yeah. Why? He's a duck.

Yep. I invited Jenkins.

Yes, exactly. Oh, jeez. Oh, gosh.

You got to go. Don't. I...

You got to go. I just... No, Carl. I was...

You got yourself a deal. Mmm.

You guys are the best. Right back at you!

You guys want any coffee? Thank you.

You have a teacup pig? You have a teacup pig?

You have to make things clear. Run, tell that!

You invited Lily? We most certainly did!

You know what, Lily... No, you know what...

You know... Hmm?

You love them. They're family, Ted.

You see, a cravat is a kind of tie. I get it.

You thought she was into me? Full on lady wood.

You want us to arrange your marriage? Absolutely.

You were drunk at 8:00 in the morning? Yeah, I don't know how that happened.

You're a drinking game! What?

You're gonna plan the whole thing? Mmm hmm.

You're hotter. She's a goddess!

You're not allowed back here. Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look.

You're right. Thank you.

You're their teacher, not their friend. Exactly.

Your class was on my way to work... No, it's not.

Your pen. This is your pen.

...at Come On, Get Up, New York,

...bang, bangity bang, bang, bang, bang

...I can stay two steps ahead of her at all times.

...leads to a walk.

...or the double dating world.

...rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse.

...suits.

...time. But, um...

'Cause hand in hand You'll find a land

'Cause it won't!

'Cause let's be honest. We are scaring people off, Jen.

'Cause nothing suits the undisputed

'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac

'Cause the only reason he took that job is he thinks he has a shot with you.

'Cause then you guys will get along just fine.

'Cause there's one thing she is not

'cause this one just blew you out of the water.

'Cause you're scaring away potential takers.

'cause, hotel room.

'Neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack.

'Twas the night before New Year's, and the weather grew mean.

"'and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior.'"

"Age 29, but tells people that she's 26."

"and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior."

"and treat myself to a bubble bath.

"And what brings you to this nape of the woods?

"Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?"

"Baby"? That's a name I don't deserve.

"Birthday, July 23.

"But how about next week some time?"

"Class number two."

"Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean?

"does not play bass," because this is clearly your roommate's.

"Favorite hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks.

"How many stars are on the flag?"

"How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." Lesson one

"I hope it doesn't make you mad."

"I must have you," she moaned. "I'm turned on by tweed."

"I should start taking lots of prescription drugs."

"I've already made plans to clean my garbage disposal

"Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following,

"It's just that I haven't had a girlfriend in a really long time.

"Let's go buy something that's bad for us and then sue the people who made it."

"Main Lobster." They spelled Maine without the "e."

"Mr. Penguin." "Mrs. Penguin."

"Neck of the wape? Why are you here?"

"O Captain! My Captain!"

"Oh, in high school, I was really shy and awkward" line?

"One block south."

"Our" toothbrush?

"Our" toothbrush?

"Our" toothbrush?

"Present you" isn't so bad, either.

"Right now"?

"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones."

"Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones."

"This is actually something that I love. He's a rabbit."

"Three Topics to Distract Robin From Being Mad at You."

"Top 10 Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning."

"Top Five Things Never to Do Around Robin."

"unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes."

"We're Barnman and Robin."

"We're just hanging out."

"We're seeing where things are going."

"Well, I got a dinner rez," and then...

"What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?"

"Where do you see this relationship going?"

"Who's this cool peer of mine up in front of the class?"

"writing a dissertation entitled 'Foreign Direct Investment

(ALL BYMYSELFPLAYING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL EX CLAIMING IN ADMIRATION)

(ALL EX CLAIMING IN DISDAIN)

(ALL EX CLAIMING IN DISDAIN)

(ALL EX CLAIMING)

(ALL EX CLAIMING)

(ALL GASPING)

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL MURMUR IN AGREEMENT)

(ALL SINGING) O Canada

(BANGING ON DOOR)

(BARNEY AND ROBIN LAUGHING)

(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

(BARNEY CHUCKLING)

(BARNEY CLEARS THROAT)

(BARNEY EXHALES)

(BARNEY HISSING)

(BARNEY MUTTERING)

(BARNEY SNIFFING)

(BARNEY YELLING)

(BARNEY'S CELL PHONE RINGING)

(BIDDING FAREWELL IN JAPANESE)

(BIDDING FAREWELL IN SPANISH)

(BLEEPING)

(BOTH CHATTERING)

(BOTH EX CLAIM)

(BOTH EX CLAIM)

(BOTH EX CLAIMING)

(BOTH EXHALING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH MOANING)

(BOTH PANTING)

(BOTH SIGHING)

(BOTH SINGING ALONG) And I would walk 500 miles

(BOTH SINGING ALONG) And I would walk 500 miles

(CAR STARTING)

(CAT MEOWING OPERA)

(CELL PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

(CELL PHONE DINGS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING IN THE DISTANCE)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(CHANTING) Canada, Canada... Okay, they won't chant anything.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) After the break, we're gonna talk about your new book,

(CHUCKLES) I barely slept.

(CHUCKLES) Not at all, 'cause you're not. I'm on TV.

(CHUCKLES) Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that,

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, I do.

(CHUCKLING)

(CIND Y SCOFFS)

(CLATTERING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(CLOTH RIPPING)

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(COUGHS) Second hottest.

(COUPLES LAUGHING)

(CROWD CHANTING) Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice...

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CLAMORING)

(CRUNCHING)

(CRYING SOFTLY)

(CRYING)

(CRYING)

(CRYING)

(CRYING)

(CRYING) I can't believe they broke up with us.

(CRYING) I miss him so much!

(CRYING) I will never love again.

(CRYING) Oh, God, I miss it.

(CYCLE BELL RINGING)

(DINGS)

(DINGS)

(DOOR KNOB RATTLING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING) Just a... Just a...

(EX CLAIMS)

(EX CLAIMS)

(EX CLAIMS)

(EX CLAIMS) Dude, I'm starving. Let's...

(EX CLAIMS) I am nailing this.

(EXHALES)

(EXHALING)

(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(GASPING) Oh, my God, you guys. This is our first double date!

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

(GASPS) Our parents (IN SING SONG) really want to meet you!

(GIGGLES)

(GIGGLES) Baby, you're so sweet, but compared to that woman,

(GROANING)

(GROANING) It's me! It's me! It's me!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) Tantrum!

(GUN CLICKING)

(HICCUPS RAPIDLY)

(HICCUPS)

(HICCUPS)

(HICCUPS)

(HIGH PITCHED) What?

(IMITATES WHIP CRACKING)

(IMITATING DOOR CREAKING OPEN)

(IN DEEP VOICE) "That's hot."

(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) What did you say, buddy?

(JEN GIGGLING)

(JEN LAUGHING)

(KABOOM PLAYING)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) So, we're still laughing.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Are you okay?

(LAUGHING) Okay, I should get going. I got a date.

(LAUGHING) Sweetie, I never have to worry about you with another woman.

(LAUGHING) This is great. We're having fun. You're having fun, right?

(LAUGHING) Wait! I did both of those things, so face!

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Oh, yeah!

(LAUGHS) Yeah, sure. Anyhoo, lunch?

(LAUGHS) Yeah, sure. Anyhoo, lunch?

(LILY CLEARING THROAT)

(LILY LAUGHING)

(LILY SCREAMING)

(LILY SIGHS)

(LOUDLY) I noticed you forgot something this morning, so I thought I'd bring it by.

(MAN CHATTERING)

(MAN SINGING) She's my cherry pie

(MAN SINGING) Sweet cherry pie, yeah

(MARSHALL AND LILY GASP)

(MARSHALL GASPS)

(MARSHALL MOANING)

(MARSHALL SIGHS)

(MIMICS HORSE WHINNYING)

(MOANING)

(MOANING)

(MOANS)

(MOUTHING) I love you.

(PANTING)

(PANTING) Oh, God. Barney, it was awful. I was teaching...

(PEOPLE EX CLAIMING)

(POP MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO)

(READING)

(READING)

(READING)

(REWIND PLAYING)

(ROBIN LAUGHING)

(ROBIN SCOFFS)

(ROBIN SHUDDERS IN DISGUST)

(ROBIN SIGHS)

(SARCASTICALLY) Ha, ha, ha.

(SCOFFING) You're trying the "no" thing on me. You really think that's gonna work?

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS)

(SCOFFS) Baby, how could you not want to hit that? I want to hit that.

(SCOFFS) I know, and if that woman were anywhere near as hot

(SCOFFS) Rap poster? Who would that work on?

(SCOFFS) This is handspun virgin Merino.

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING) Come on!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(SHUSHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING) I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again.

(SIGHING) That girl's lucky. Barney was the best sex I ever had.

(SIGHING) Who am I kidding? I need your help.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) and I met this women's curling team.

(SIGHS) Don.

(SIGHS) Look, Cindy, I know the university rulebook says we can't date.

(SIGHS) Why not? Lay it on me.

(SINGING)

(SINGING)

(SINGING)

(SINGING) And I think that I'll amaze her

(SINGING) Asking you to stay The words are finally here

(SINGING) Here comes the groom

(SINGING) I know what you're thinking What's Barney been drinking?

(SIREN BLARING)

(SLURRING INDISTINCTLY)

(SNIFFLING)

(SNIFFLING) I thought you were going on some big date.

(SNORTING)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

(SOBBING)

(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(SPEAKING PERSIAN)

(SPITTING)

(SQUEALS)

(STAMMERING)

(STAMMERING)

(STAMMERING) I mean, how much water is that actually saving?

(STAMMERING) Wait. So you're not jealous at all?

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

(STUTTERING) I'm gonna stop you right there.

(STUTTERING) No. I don't want to go back.

(STUTTERS)

(TED EXHALES)

(TED LAUGHING)

(TED LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

(TED LAUGHS)

(TED SCREAMS)

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(VOICE SHAKING) Marshall made me go.

(VOICES WHISPERING)

(VOMITING)

(WHIMPERING)

(WHIMPERING) There's nothing else you could do?

(WHISPERING) You guys are fine.

(WHISPERS) Right now.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPS)

(YELLING)

(YELLING) Ted! Ted! Check it out!