The Office (2005) - Season 9 Edit

A bazooka.

A bear hug from my favorite mama grizzly.

A ceremonial bridal kidnapping.

A check for a million dollars

A good assistant knows what their superior is thinking

A guy is in your life for 11 years,

A horse.

A kind of "where are they now" panel at a local theater.

A little warm.

A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins,

A loyal but bungling apostle.

A mini golf pencil that you threw at me.

Aah! Aah! [Bell dings]

Aah! It burns! Aah!

About quantities and types of copier paper.

About the documentary was

About this three month road show thing.

About two months.

After 16 years, it's strange sitting across from somebody who isn't Stanley.

After a few episodes, it was too painful.

After Dwight fired me, I moved to New York...

After my clip blew up, I actually got a call

After which our judges will decide

Ah, I know. It just feels so empty with...

Ah, I've been looking forward to this day since I was 18 years old.

Ah, it warms my heart. Hey, what do you say,

Ah. All right! Oh, Mose!

Aha!

Airing of the documentary. Who's excited?

AKA Google.

All day long, it's moo the cows and cluck the hens.

All depends on the conference room meeting itself. [Musical ringtone]

All good, though.

All I can say is, if I had Jim,

All I know is that

All of us.

All right, Jim, your quarterlies look very good.

All right, that's great. I got enough. Thank you, everybody.

All right, then.

All right, you know, you don't have to leave the door wide open.

All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye.

All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.

All you gotta do is risk your life for this country and everyone goes Gaga for you.

All: Ohh... Here we go!

All: ♪ if you want your bride, buy us a drink ♪

All: Aww

All: Aww.

All: Aww.

All: Nard Dog!

All: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry.

All: Oh!

All: Ohh!

All: Ooh!

All: Roo doo doo doo doo!

All: Stanley!

Also killed it in local theater,

Also, how do cameras work?

Am I the only one that's nervous? Heh heh.

Amazing gift

Amazing job.

Amazing job.

America's Next A Cappella Sensation aired my audition.

An assistant brings their boss coffee with speed and dexterity,

An enormous farm, an inheritance,

And act fast, because life just isn't that long."

And charged their televisions

And Dwight is imitating Japanese business practices

And fear and doubt.

And go ahead!

And go ahead.

And grow up.

And he eats the same kind of paper I do.

And he was talking about the trip,

And her legs are still numb from being in the trunk.

And how much I really do believe in your future.

And how we made each other laugh and how we got through the day?

And I am fresh off of a hot industrial flick.

And I am nothing if not a total pitch bitch.

And I could come to you with this

And I decided to paint the history of paper,

And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern.

And I don't care that Phillip's not my son!

And I had to start from the beginning.

And I have a room, which is really cool.

And I have chosen one of the best.

And I just feel like you're giving up so much.

And I know, for over 12 years, I've done nothing but trick and prank him.

And I think that maybe I did doubt him a little too.

And I thought I unfriended you.

And I'd stamp my foot and run upstairs.

And I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour.

And I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart.

And I'm still just thinking about my old pals.

And I'm sure that you guys are fine too.

And if he is,

And in the morning there's mini reunion.

And it took me four years to get to him.

And Jim can jump back in without skipping a beat.

And just see what we get.

And my attempts to find love in all the wrong places.

And now it's better than a fairy tale.

And office administrator Pamela Beesly Halpert

And one day, she went out to get a new charger for her e cigarette.

And one old.

And organization, time management, personal hygiene.

And our next and most thickly frosted cake is...

And ruin our no nonsense streak, all right?

And sang I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis?

And show you all at once just how much I love you,

And stole weapons grade LSD from the military.

And tell us about your heartiest soups.

And thank you for your patience. And we hope to see you guys

And that's an

And that's on me.

And that's what you did with this documentary.

And the city is amazing.

And the doc crew paid to fly us in.

And the late night comedy guys had a field day with it.

And the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions.

And the tacos are... [Cell phone chimes]

And the voice of the turtle dove

And then he's gone for who knows how long.

And then she would say, "go to your room, young lady."

And then someone spray painted a bunch of butts on it,

And then the parodies started.

And then they married each other.

And then we'd just have dinner together.

And this is for you, Jim.

And time to become the next American idol

And viewers like you.

And we decided we're gonna be best friends.

And welcome to America's Next A Cappella Sensation!

And what percentage of nonsense do we tolerate in this office?

And when I find the place, I have to buy everyone drinks.

And when I started sobbing uncontrollably,

And yet, the manager for Dunder Mifflin kneels for no man.

And you couldn't once show me doing my origami.

And you had to give something up for me.

And you obviously don't need me.

And you're fine with that, because

And you've been great, and...

And your face is comely."

And, uh, oh, yeah, it's good for the environment too.

And, um, I think we'd all love to know,

Andy, I've been worried about you.

Andy.

Angela Schrute, my former accountant, is now my wife.

Angela, someone wants you.

Angela's been kidnapped!

Angela's divorce from the senator

Angela's special repair man is here.

Any ordinary child would have taken the money,

Anyone can follow a Twitter feed.

Anyone who needs to speak to me

Anything.

Anytime anyone's ever been fired,

Apparently my station in life has descended to a depth even they won't forgive.

Apparently that struck a chord with quite a lot of people.

Are you gonna come to Poor Richard's and watch with us tonight?

Are you happy?

Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song.

Are you kidding?

Are you ready for the wedding?

Are you sure Mose isn't going to show up?

Are you sure you don't wanna go in?

Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off?

As a reminder that this is the only escape

As is traditional to the Schrutes,

As long as I can get to the altar.

As was Kevin, I believe.

As you know, I like to begin each day with an inspirational quote.

At the end of the day,

Austin?

Aw, come on, Baby Wawa. Don't be such a baby.

Aw, thanks, man.

Aw.

Aw.

Bartender!

Based... on his merit.

Be compensated with a marriage proposal.

Be gentle, Jakey, gentle.

Beautiful little boy the way he deserves.

Because I think that I've painted the perfect thing,

Because you wanted to marry me.

Because you're about to leave Cornell.

Become a father.

Beet.

Before they even think it.

Before you've actually left them.

Behind every great regional manager is a great assistant to the regional manager,

Being less happy than I could've been.

Best prank ever.

Better get some decent speakers up here then,

Big Jim gesture...

Boring...

Both: Say that?

Both: Uncanny.

Bottom drawer

Break it down for me.

Break protocol! Break protocol! Break protocol!

Busted.

But

But all in all...

But an assistant to the assistant

But don't worry,

But having Kevin grind up on my front

But he seems happy.

But he's not.

But how would King Arthur choose the next knight of his round table?

But I actually feel sorry for you

But I also feel a little guilty.

But I don't know. I'd have to meet her.

But I know exactly what you were gonna say.

But I never want you to have to give up anything.

But I think I ate too much bone marrow. [Phone ringing]

But I'm just I was talking to Darryl,

But I'm not gonna spend the rest of the day here

But I'm out, because I'm significantly younger than you.

But if you see it

But if you're ever in the area, you'll always have a place to stay.

But it all worked out for the best,

But it's doable.

But not like hate hate.

But not that table or that table or that table.

But note, all are welcome, not just those

But now all my friends call me Plop.

But once he starts buying you things,

But seriously, you made a nine year documentary,

But thanks for coming out and please be sure

But that's for fueling only.

But that's not all. Now the chef special sounded good.

But then it got deeper, and it got stronger,

But there were a lot of times last year when it did not feel like a fairy tale.

But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it.

But tonight...

But what about the assistant assistant to the regional manager?

But when the documentary started airing, people on the street told me

But you're no ordinary child, are you?

But, hey, it was college.

But, okay, here, here you go.

But, uh, I don't know. I'm working on something.

But..

But...

But... [Crying]

By 2:00, Dwight will choose himself

By winning America's Next A Cappella Sensation

By working an extra half an hour tomorrow

Bye bye, Toby.

Bye, Kev!

Bye.

Call Child Services and report an abandoned baby.

Came by fan boat, which was kinda fun.

Can you clap for mom?

Can you imagine if I had worn my Jimmy Choos?

Can you imagine if Martin Luther King were here

Can you put that down?

Can't hear you.

Can't wait to see everyone.

Challenge number two, protocol.

Change and

Check...

Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers.

Close.

Colder.

Colorful, durable blankets and rugs. It all adds up.

Come here.

Complimentary hay hooks are placed along the aisles.

Conquer your fears.

Cool.

Cool. Are you coming back to say hi?

D, it's gonna be perfect.

Darryl, oh, my gosh. How is Austin?

Darryl, you know, I would love to just record some of your stories,

Darryl!

Darryl? Darryl!

Daycare won't take Phillip anymore.

Delivered all my furniture to Philly.

Depending on traffic.

Did I get that number right, Dwight?

Did we ever get loaded and listen to Zeppelin in my van?

Did we ever have lunch together, just

Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is.

Do I get along with my co workers?

Do you even have a mattress?

Do you find that your life feels pointless

Do you have those? Those aren't deep fried, right?

Do you think any of them out there are capable?

Do you want a corn dog?

Do you want to see a video of a weatherman who says "bold front"

Does anyone wanna split a twice baked potato?

Doesn't seem like anyone cares about us anyway.

Doing carnival like activities.

Doing stuff with you 'cause you're feeling sentimental.

Don't be an idiot. It's for the severance.

Don't forget, Irish step dancing semifinals.

Door. Chair.

Drake has a bit of a rash

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

During an all you can eat shrimp commercial

During that time, the police say,

Dwight has made me his bestisch mensch.

Dwight you can't do that.

Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.

Dwight, for the last time, she's not a waitress.

Dwight, I'm telling you about all the things

Dwight, listen, no matter what happens,

Dwight, what the fuck is your problem?

Dwight?

Dwight?

Dwight...

Dwight... [Overlapping objections]

Each of you will sing a song for 30 seconds,

Engaged to be married to an actual milkmaid.

Enjoy, enjoy.

Erin...

Erin...

Erin...

Even if I didn't love every minute of it,

Ever since Angela moved in and Mose had stopped sleeping at the foot of my bed,

Every day when I came into work, all I wanted to do was leave.

Every instinct,

Every morning, I email the day's security codes.

Every rational calculation.

Every time I've been faced with a tough decision,

Everybody.

Everyone watching

Everyone, let's take our picture in front of the mural.

Everything I have,

Everything you'll ever need to know

Everything.

Ew, the exact opposite, actually.

Exactly.

Failure of any kind is failure."

Fantastic. He just pulled off a braut entfuhrung.

Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can.

For being here on this wonderful panel today.

For lo, the winter is passed.

For reasons he explained to us in Japanese.

For the bestisch mensch to be older than the groom.

For the position of assistant to the assistant to the regional manager.

For Weekend Update, I'm Seth Meyers. That's Baby Wawa. Good night.

For your voice is sweet,

For...

Forget I said it, all right?

From New York.

From not communicating to being a little selfish.

From the double rainbow guy and the fat Star Wars kid.

From the guys at the warehouse I didn't say good bye to.

From what they are about to do.

Gabriella was our last audition.

Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get I could see it.

Get out!

Get outta my way.

Get upstairs, mister!

Give 'em a good show, my little entrepreneur.

Go ahead and just read the frosting.

Go ahead and read that phone message.

Go ahead.

Go get 'em, honey.

Go, Meredith's stripper son.

Go.

God! Besides, the whole thing is a trick question.

Good abbreviating, Jim. That saved some time.

Good bye, everybody.

Good call.

Good man right there.

Good old Mose. [Laughing]

Got it. Yes, all right.

Gotta write that down.

Grab both these coffees, double fist it,

Great. More screen time for the war vet.

Guten prank number three.

Guten prank number two.

Happy, and, like, you had fun today.

Has a thousand times more to prove,

Has been very difficult for her.

Has got to go through me first, all right?

Have I gotten along with my subordinates?

Haven't been in one of these in forever!

He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience

He could do anything

He does have a gift.

He doesn't know where I hid his duck.

He is lazy, so crack the whip.

He just keeps spitting out the nipple.

He just won't go down.

He sold drugs and trafficked in endangered species meat

He told Dwight,

He used to call it a keleven.

He was home by 4:45 that day.

He welcomes you.

He will take the bride and hide her at a local pub.

He would have a free pass to do anything

He'll be fine. I let him suck on a strawberry

He'll get there.

He'll just get you on his cell phone, and then that'll go viral.

He's a little standoffish at first.

He's allergic, but he'll get over it fast. I had to talk to you.

He's been acting pretty weird about this whole wedding thing.

He's just so happy to have a family plan.

He's not that smart.

He's not your son.

He's putting himself entirely in my hands tonight.

He's the best in the biz.

Heard you guys needed some pipes fixed, or cleaned or whatever.

Hello!

Her family admires me. My family tolerates hers.

Here we go.

Here you are, sir! Here's your coffee!

Here's your cake.

Hey o.

Hey, and if you're ever in Austin

Hey, come here. You guys need to see this.

Hey, Darryl.

Hey, did somebody order the chef special?

Hey, driver, why don't you take us to 3030 Adams?

Hey, dude, leave him alone. What are you doing?

Hey, good seeing you.

Hey, grab a seat.

Hey, has anyone seen Ryan... or Kelly?

Hey, hey, hey. I'll do one thing with y'all.

Hey, how was the singing show audition?

Hey, I know you. You gonna sit here and cry?

Hey, is Angela coming, or

Hey, it's Andy Bernard.

Hey, Jim, remember Flonkerton when you did Office Olympics?

Hey, keep it down, though.

Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy?

Hey, man, good to see you.

Hey, man, how you doing? I, um

Hey, Pam! How are you?

Hey, Pam. What?

Hey, what's going on over here,

Hey, what's up, y'all?

Hey, what's up?

Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster?

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. You wanted to see me?

Hey...

Hi, baby.

Hi, boys!

Hi, buddy.

Hi.

Hi. Good morning.

Hi. I'm Dakota

High five.

His last album, it just touched me to pieces

Hmm.

How are things going at the library?

How are you doing with this? Should we have bailed?

How are you?

How did it feel to see your lives played out on TV?

How did you capture what it was really like?

How did you do it?

How did you do it?

How did you know my plane had arrived?

How did you know that I was gonna...

How does it feel being ignored?

How long have you been stalking me?

How many people want the game?

How thoughtful.

How we felt

How your meeting with Yuri big nose went."

Human beings have this miraculous gift

I almost lost Pam over this business.

I always liked Devon.

I am going in there. Don't

I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's,

I am here for my bride! [Giggles]

I am in a meeting with Dwight, Robert Dunder, and his niece.

I am so at peace.

I am toast.

I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring.

I bet you boys have a big appetite.

I bike to work now.

I brought in some new faces,

I can show you my social security card, if it helps.

I can tell by your gorgeous,

I can't be there for you.

I can't believe the doc is finally going to air.

I can't believe you came.

I could really use a little break, have some water.

I didn't call 'cause I figured you changed the number.

I didn't realize we were this close.

I didn't think you were gonna get that one.

I didn't watch the whole documentary.

I don't I don't know why.

I don't care. Choose amongst yourselves.

I don't know how else to explain it to her, so...

I don't know how to tell you this, but...

I don't know what you want me to tell you, man.

I don't know, but I'm getting really worried here.

I don't know, Ryan. Baby Drake didn't look so good

I don't want to get her hopes up.

I feel like I read about Athlead all the time.

I feel scared a little.

I finally mastered commitment.

I got hated on pretty hard when that auto tune went viral.

I got my dream job at Cornell,

I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone out of business.

I guess that's the show.

I guess this was worth being filmed nonstop for nine years.

I had to pledge $50 to my local PBS station just to get this.

I hate good byes, so last week,

I hate Phillip.

I have a question for Erin.

I have a question for Jim and Pam.

I have an assistant now who can help you with whatever you need.

I have six roommates. Heh.

I have subordinates

I haven't seen Kevin since we let him go.

I hear ya. What did it say?

I heard that.

I heard you bought a bar, Kevin.

I hired him back after Creed faked his own death

I hope he doesn't regret it.

I invited her to move in with me.

I just I know that you had to make this choice,

I just I think I would rather keep that private.

I just feel lucky that I got a chance to share

I just have to remember how I acted before I came out.

I just hope that if my buddies who are still in Afghanistan

I just needed you to want to marry me

I just saved you 600 bucks, mister.

I just thought if I could get us an offer,

I just...

I keep seeing this symbol in the accounts from last year.

I kept wanting to scream at Pam.

I know Dwight misses Kevin.

I know, earlier today he tried to eat

I know.

I like the sound of that.

I love goofy Jim.

I love it. And it's Athleap now.

I love Star Wars as much as the next guy... Hey, hey.

I love your fudge.

I mean, he's certainly been goofing around a lot.

I mean, he's giving up this big thing for me.

I mean, I can find someone who will who will love that... [Baby cooing]

I mean, I would just imagine that you were so angry at her

I mean, if I lucked into that,

I mean, the seniors invited me as a joke, but it was a huge success.

I mean, unless they're willing to pass some tests.

I mean, when are we all going to be here together again?

I mean, you were gonna do this without me?

I missed you too.

I missed you, Kevin.

I missed you.

I need everybody to be ready 'cause I want to pack in a lot.

I need you to perform a test.

I need you.

I needed a little help.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I owe to this job.

I promise you...

I pulled the old "Irish Exit."

I said no, and that's final.

I saw him making his portrait out of a Wooly Willy.

I sell ceramic tile out of Newark.

I sit on my porch all day, carving birds.

I sold paper this company for 12 years.

I spent so much of my time here at Dunder Mifflin

I spoke at Cornell during Commencement Week.

I still have my medal from that.

I think an ordinary paper company like Dunder Mifflin

I think I gained a couple pounds since I got here.

I think I have found an enormous source

I think she looks good.

I think you always have.

I think you might want to kneel for this.

I think your ideas are fantastic, Oscar

I thought it was weird when you

I thought you guys couldn't come.

I took a desk at the back because it was empty.

I wanna know how everyone felt they were portrayed.

I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified.

I was born ready.

I was getting my PhD in school psychology, and they didn't show it.

I was just, um, checking out my present.

I was scared,

I was still having sex with women.

I was thinking of proposing to Esther today.

I was wondering, could you maybe examine him for a second?

I went to the bathroom on my boss's car.

I will go watch an eHow video on how to use excel,

I will literally call child protective services.

I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers

I will.

I will.

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days

I worked for a paper company all these years, and I never wrote anything down.

I'd better come out of this smelling like a rose.

I'd have to get some more wire and string,

I'd like to get harmful steam, but the prices are absurd!

I'd love to contribute to your campaign.

I'd say I have gotten along with my subordinates.

I'll be right back.

I'll go talk to the manager. Maybe we should just go home.

I'll see you guys inside. Good luck, all right?

I'm a dad! You're a dad!

I'm a man.

I'm about to eat free steak with my sports heroes

I'm Casey Dean!

I'm doing it for us.

I'm feeling a little dehydrated.

I'm getting married tomorrow afternoon.

I'm giving you the silence treatment.

I'm gonna miss these guys.

I'm gonna need a favor from you guys.

I'm gonna need you to look at your hierarchy mobile.

I'm happy that this was all filmed,

I'm in love with you.

I'm letting you all off half an hour early

I'm looking forward to the reunion panel tomorrow.

I'm moving the ink down in my pen, for work.

I'm not risking that again.

I'm not supposed to

I'm not touching you. Okay.

I'm so sorry. They were an hour late.

I'm sorry, guys. This is probably on me.

I'm sorry, is there a question?

I'm sorry.

I'm...

I've been on my best behavior for nine years.

I've just always been really good at dancing.

If he is your son,

If it means I can be with you!

If it wasn't for the cameras, I would've done some truly vulgar crap.

If my parents see this,

If Ryan wants his baby back, please tell him where to find me.

If someone out there saw this and she said to herself,

If there is one thing that I have learned

If they want you in their a cappella group.

If you film anybody long enough,

If you find my body in a ditch,

If you say so.

If you want her to leave, just tip her.

Imagine going back and watching a tape of your life.

In 32 different cities.

In my barn

In the baler the day after the doc aired.

In the past year I've consolidated the entire Scranton paper market

In the right way

Instead of "cold front"?

Ironic that now it's Angela who's living in the closet.

Is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet.

Is a more accurate tribute to my years here.

Is heard in our land.

Is in that note.

Is it me?

Is it Nellie?

Is my best friend.

Is precisely the way I look at the Galactica.

Is that a volunteer program or...

Is that all it was?

Is that really what you think?

Is the only person I know who knows how to properly head bang to Motörhead.

Is this a show about the resiliency of the human spirit

Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?

Is...

Isn't that kind of the point?

Isn't this, like, what you live for?

It all seems so very arbitrary.

It might be the most logical thing I've ever said.

It might surprise you to learn

It took me so long to do so many important things.

It was kismet.

It was made from a bullet I took out of her left buttock.

It was nothing personal.

It would just

It'd be great if people saw this documentary and learned from my mistakes.

It'll be a pledge gift.

It'll be nice to see everyone again.

It's a really cool show. It's like a total reinvention

It's a start.

It's all about Phillip.

It's as if he's excited by all this paper.

It's because I spent three hours in a car trunk.

It's called "Schrute or Consequences."

It's Drake, like a mix of Drew and Blake.

It's every parent's dream.

It's gonna be all right.

It's gonna be all right.

It's his magic number. He used to use it to balance his accounts.

It's in my juke box.

It's insane.

It's It's all over the place. I don't know what it means.

It's just hard to accept that I spent so many years

It's just harmless steam to panic intruders.

It's just his way of saying;

It's just that I'm so emotional.

It's just that you were terrible at your job.

It's just the wind, see? Nothing.

It's kinda disgusting.

It's like a long book that you never want to end.

It's like seeing a documentary about how your food is made.

It's me.

It's me.

It's not much

It's not the KGB, but

It's only 6:00.

It's only 6:00.

It's only human natural.

It's the only way you'll learn. Okay

J, P, and D. The three amigos.

Jeff Bomondo

Jim Halpert doesn't work here anymore.

Jim is happy here, selling paper at Dunder Mifflin?

Jim was 5 feet from my desk,

Jim, I need my assistant to the regional manager, code red.

Jim, I'm not kidding.

Jim, it's fine.

Jim, this is gonna come as no surprise,

Jim.

Just a couple dozen more.

Just a second. Just one second. Look.

Just come and shut oh! My God!

Just go after what you want.

Just let the tape roll for six or eight or ten hours,

Just make my heart soar

Just on the edge of the Everglades.

Just slipped out with making a big deal.

Just stab 'em on in there.

Just the two of us?

Kelly was hoping that you would keep the baby,

Kelly.

Kevin, could you not do that?

Kevin, Kevin.

Kismet? Yeah, right.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming

Last week, I finally became permanent Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton!

Let me save the police some trouble.

Let me see your face. Let me hear your voice.

Let's do this.

Let's do this. Change if you need to.

Let's get a beer sometime.

Let's see

Let's thank all of our wonderful panelists

Like a piece of paper

Like Harry Potter.

Like, three years ago. You saved this?

Listen to me! I love you!

Listen, all right, thank you very much. We're not interested.

Listen, guys, we can do it all.

Listen, listen. Shh, buddy.

Listen, um...

Little town called Florida City,

Look at Meredith.