Ted 2 (2015)(sub) Soundboard Edit

A little boy named John Bennett made a wish

Ah, she won't notice.

All I know is I feel stuff.

All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson

All right, let's start with a person.

All right. We'll be back tomorrow afternoon.

And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned,

And forget about the most important aspect of this case.

And found me love I thought was here to stay

And from what I know about you,

And I'm gonna see if I can find a soda can or something

And in the naive minds of sheltered innocents.

And no matter how many

And plus, after seeing your laptop,

And The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing

And you gave up your own life to save mine.

And, look, regardless of all this shit,

And... (WHOOSHES) Gone!

Are those Tootsie Rolls just, like, to take?

Are you gonna let me finish talking?

Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff?

Aw, buddy, I love you for that.

Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse. Betelgeuse.

But I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn.

But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it?

By smooth talk and a haircut,

Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right

Capable of love.

Come here!

Crazy son of a bitch!

Dear God! Dear God in heaven!

Did you write your dissertation

Don't let the goose get me!

For the sperm.

Fresh cakes.

Fuck yeah!

Fuck!

Fuckin' A right, I do!

Get off me!

Get out of the way!

Give him a milligram of epinephrine.

God... (CHUCKLES)

Great, great! Here, follow me

Guaranteed first ballot Hall of Famer.

Guilty! Speculation!

Ha! Fuck you. Fuck you.

Hashtag "Grr, Mondays."

He didn't make it.

He is the top civil rights attorney in America.

He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a stroller

He really is extraordinary, isn't he?

He was stable a minute ago and now he's unresponsive.

He's not an animal.

Here you go, guys.

Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious. Thanks.

Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud?

Hey, Sam.

Hey, shut up, lady!

Hey, spaz.

Hi.

I am the face of the business! Okay?

I am trying to climb the corporate fence, here!

I can see it from here, thanks, yeah

I fucking love this place.

I know. And after I watched his

I know. Come on, it's okay, though.

I know. My uncle gave me all the details.

I love you so much, Teddy.

I See.

I think I want to sleep on a bed made of your voice.

I was an asshole and I didn't mean it.

I'm out.

I've only had it once in my life

If they didn't have that baby,

In the urinals, sir.

It is the same beast, just wearing a different face,

It'll teach us how to love each other again.

It's just a way for the government

It's so stupid. Here, try it.

Jesus Christ, that's the Starship Enterprise... Forget it

Jesus,Johnny, you don't got to marry Allison.

John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the fuck me eyes.

John, hey. Oh, my God.

JOHN: Oh, Teddy, he's adorable.

John! Oh, Jesus!

Johnny, it may be time to play the Betelgeuse card.

Johnny, wake up.

Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal.

Just listen to me. You, too, Sam.

Justice.

Listen, I just really want to thank you

Look, Donny, Donny! You don't wanna do this! Okay?

MALE NARRATOR: And so our story comes to an end.

MAN: Hey!

MAN: Whoa.

Ms. Jackson, please control your client

Never felt quite so sunny

No can do, my brother.

No problem. We're a fun hospital.

No, it's okay. It's not loaded

No, she wasn't.

No, the witness can't object.

No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.

No. This is nice.

Not according to the government. I'm sorry.

Now, wait. You look familiar. Are you that teddy bear who came alive?

Oh, hey, Guy.

Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying I should ask you out.

Oh, my God! We got to celebrate!

Oh, my gosh! TED: I don't believe it! (CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, you mean ol' stars above

Oh, you've been following the case. That's great.

Oh! Ha ha! Motherfucker!

Oh! It smells like someb0dy's got a poopy diaper.

Oh.

Oh. Uh, no, thanks, Sam. Tami Lynn would kill me

Okay, I heard "Starbucks." TED: No, you didn't.

Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.

Okay, well, good talk.

One.

Please wake up

Right there. Death to Ming. Good, yeah.

Right. You see, the thing is, we don't want to take any chances

Seems pretty human to me.

Shit.

Smoked pot for two whole days, right?

So I keep on knockin' wood

So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

So what do ya say?

So, you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us?

Some women just have fuck me eyes.

Somebody help!

Sorry, my mistake.

Sorry.

Start compressions. Prepare to intubate.

Sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property.

Sustained.

Take your goddamn teddy bear with you!

Tami Lynn McCafferty,

Ted Clubber Lang.

Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities of personhood.

Ted, in the eyes of the state, you are not a person.

Ted, shut up!

Ted, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you

TED: So, uh, basically that's it. We need a sperm donor.

TED: The offices of Charlie Hebdo.

TED: Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of an awkward position, here.

Teddy, I'm scared

Teddy, it's your turn to change him.

Thank you!

Thanks, pal.

That barn just came out of nowhere.

That they're probably having a debate.

The court wishes to thank the jury for its service.

The list goes on and on, really.

The new Superman is...

The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game.

Then why are you calling it a "he"?

Then you went and took my love away

Thirsty, Urkel?

This isn't about you, Ted.

Till I'm all alone beneath the sun

To marry the wrong girl.

Trying to make it work with the wrong person.

Uh, wait. Are we gonna spend the night here?

Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink.

Uh...

Wait, let me try.

Wait. Is he the one who got that female midget into the Marines?

We can eliminate hereditary diseases,

Weird soccer mom looking Goonie monster?

Well, how the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert?

Well, it's not my fault, A Rod! You were supposed to catch it!

Well, that's not true. He's had a positive effect on me.

Well... Well, why not?

What do you mean you're getting ready?

What do you mean, "Be careful"?

What do you mean? You wear a smock, you're a fucking cashier.

What do you think?

What the hell do we do now?

What?

What? Seriously?

Where I'd seen you before and that's it.

Who's that?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey! Come on. That's Star Trek!

Why are you saying, "Fuck him"?

Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp?

Why is he being treated differently than everybody else?

Will you marry me?

With all of our exciting new toys

With your beam you led the way

Yeah, great. Okay. Thank you so much!

Yeah, she's our enemy now.

Yeah, steppin' out with my baby

Yeah, why don't you try it, asshole?

Yeah,yeah. Back hallway, past the photo booth.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Yep, bring it on.

You fucking crazy? We don't want

You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little

You just have to hang onto the wall.

You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna call Patrick Meighan.

You know why? Because he's a person.

You know,

You messed up my car.

You probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right?

You see him anywhere?

You son of a bitch! This is kidnapping!

You want to be human in the eyes of the law.

You're a person.

You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room.

You're takin' all the light that's left in you

You're very lucky.

"How Long Has That Van Been There?"

(80s POP SONG PLAYING)

(ALARM BLARING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(GASPS)

(GLASS BREAKS)

(HEART MONITOR FLAT LINING)

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKS) (SCREAMS)

(INHALES)

(INHALING)

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SHOUTS) What the hell?

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFLING) This isn't fucking fair.

(STUTTERS) What? What's wrong?

(TEMPO INCREASES)

(WHOOPING)

(YELLS)

(YELLS)