Ted Lasso (2020) - Season 2 Edit

A bigger loser than the biggest loser from The Biggest Loser.

A few of the boys asked to sit down with Dr. Fieldstone before she left.

A giant opportunity for the Greyhounds to change their club's tide here.

A one time thing.

A session? With who?

About a gentleman suitor I've gone out with a few times.

About something you don't wanna do.

Actually, I suppose not.

AFC Richmond and Nottingham Forest are level with two goals apiece.

All of them.

All right, Monika's mum brought orange slices.

All right, thank you. So, John, I mean I mean, he's a wonderful man.

All right.

Allowing yourself to be intimate again.

Am I allowed to speak yet?

An athlete suddenly can't do the basic fundamentals of their sport.

An e mail in the last five years that wasn't about the scourge of immigration.

And a hush falls over Nelson Road…

And be done with it, 'cause screw this guy."

And don't forget, I don't put it under his name.

And he asked if I wanted to keep Hank, and I was like, "Yeah. Heck, yeah."

And he just kinda stopped taking care of their dog.

And he was real sad about that, as you can imagine,

And how come?

And how many more matches you think can end in a draw

And how's Dani doing?

And I have to get my thoughts together

And I hope we helped Earl do just that.

And I'm very proud.

And if she ever wants to try out for the team, she's more than welcome.

And if this match ends in a draw, they will tie the record,

And it's a penalty!

And it's déjà vu all over again

And it's nothing personal.

And next week is, if I remember correctly, Shania Twain.

And nothing has to really change, and no one has to solve anything?

And now the karma police are making good

And now, we're nose to nose with one another, and half of me is thinking,

And remember, this is when tickets to Stomp were tough to get.

And so I started looking after him, you know.

And sure enough, there it was, wedged between the couch cushions,

And swore I would never date another dancer again?

And that football is football too.

And that really meant a lot to me, so thank you.

And that's "panic" and "snooze."

And that's because I'm a right brained dominant with a knack for make believe.

And that's it right there, isn't it?

And that's the only time you've ever seen a therapist?

And the other half of me is thinking, "But it's Martin Short.

And then a year or so after that we had to put Hank to sleep.

And we're in the final minute of added time.

And what position does your mum play on the team again?

And when he bends over, give him a knee to the nose

Any ideas?

Anyway, this tall redhead pushes in front of me,

Are not a superstition.

Are you good at your job?

Are you good at your job? Yes or no?

Are you guys up for a double date next week? Let him prove his mettle.

Are you kidding me, you two?

As Dani Rojas has another injury time penalty kick

Awful turn of events.

Back home, if a team was playing poorly, we don't call 'em unlucky.

Bad word, Uncle Roy. You owe me one quid.

Barkingham Palace.

Be the ball, Dani. Now kick it.

Before you hit the panic button?

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

But Dani's a lot like an expensive tape measure.

But hey, I shouldn't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm,

But hey, you take this at your own pace, okay?

But I didn't make any mistakes. Only you played poorly.

But I guess that one perk of being in a lower division now

But I just hope he's not being too hard on himself, you know.

But I mean, it does make you realize how scary it is,

But it makes it a lot easier to do this.

But it's not about him. It's about why the fuck you think he deserves you.

But mostly that football is life!

But part of your job is to stay until the whole team's gone.

But rather just to hear about all the things I'd been doing wrong.

But then he said, "Now, don't you fret, Boba Fett." He's got it covered.

But this whole idea of bringing in someone from the outside

But what are the yips?

But you know, I think there's a part of me

Bye, babe.

Bye, Leslie.

Bye, Ms. Bowen.

Can I get another one, please?

Can I just say that your retirement speech was amazing.

Can then become the same thing that make you cry

Can't vote me off, yeah? I'm the one who makes your lips tick.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Chris, can you even imagine

Coach Kent. They're eight years old.

Coach, if it's okay with you,

Coffees are on me.

Come on, Dani.

Come on, Dani. Come on.

Come on, Dani. One more time, yeah? Have another go.

Come on, son. Let's take a walk.

Come on. It'll be fun.

Come on. She's hilarious.

Consider this song Our way to greet you

Dani Rojas, Rojas. Dani Rojas.

Dani, this is Dr. Sharon Fieldstone.

Dani, what happened between you and Earl, that wasn't your fault, you know.

Did she not wave back?

Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer

Do you remember when they added Groucho but no Harpo?

Doctor.

Doctor. It's a superstition.

Doesn't matter, but to your point,

Don't eat the peels, you animals. Off you go.

Don't worry about them.

Don't worry, we gonna get a W soon.

Don't you dare settle for fine.

Don't you ever want anything more than sitting in child's pose,

Dr. Sharon helped me remember that

Earl Greyhound, howling his encouragement.

Even though football is life, football is also death.

Even when they're being little pricks.

Eventually, Mr. Grady's son moved his dad into a nursing home,

Except for Kokoruda. Way to put your body on the line out there.

Feeding him, taking him on walks, playing fetch, all that fun stuff.

Football is death!

Football is life.

For when they ask about Luke and Leia making out.

Fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

Fucking hell.

General apprehension and a modest Midwestern skepticism. Why do you ask?

Getting buzzed on rosé, and gossiping about reality TV

Go on. Yeah!

God, I love him.

God, I never knew that meet and greets at Broadway shows could be

Goldfish?

Good luck, Higgins.

Good night, coaches, and thank you for Dr. Sharon. She's incredible.

Good point.

Good. Yeah, he sounds great.

Got an early morning, remember?

Got it.

Got it. Learning on the fly here. Come on. Hit me.

Gracias, Coach.

Great. Nice meeting all of you and sorry to have interrupted your game.

Guess who it was…

He goes, "It's all right. It's all right. I know the choreographer."

He's actually had an offer from Sky Sports to be a pundit.

He's been like this for 20 minutes.

He's fine. That's it.

He's gonna use all the hot water.

He's got a little, tiny ponytail in Magnolia too, Coach.

He's just being Dutch.

He's not shy.

He's really helping us fill that giant Roy Kent void, you know.

He's the one that knows everyth Oh, okay, all right. Well, Doc

He's underselling. We have a Shakespearean fucking tragedy.

Hello, my beautiful coaches. May I join the drill?

Helps get the eternal rest out of those tough to reach places, you know.

Here we go, Dani!

Here you go, gentlemen.

Hey, all right!

Hey, Coach, can I get real a second? Forget my meal a second?

Hey, Dani. What ya doing?

Hey, did Roy come to the game today?

Hey, Doc… tor.

Hey, fellas! Line up for Midnight Poutine!

Hey, guys, Jan Maas is not being rude.

Hey, he knows he's always got a ticket waiting for him at will call, yeah?

Hey, Higgins. Doc still here?

Hey, him who?

Hey, sorry I'm late, fellas.

Hey, they got a whole bunch of new emojis on here. You see this?

Hey, you're not supposed to say that out loud.

Hey!

Hey!

Higgins, look alive!

Him and his owner, Nigel, used to come in here all the time,

How are you feeling about the team's efforts today?

How do I…

How many has he missed?

How many millions of people have seen me look like a knob?

How you feeling?

How's Dani doing?

Huge relief for Colin Hughes after he was liable for Forest's equalizer.

I It's probably a bit of both, but I insist.

I believe you.

I can stop by Waitrose, pick up a bottle of wine, bring it over?

I can swing by and wake you up.

I couldn't agree more.

I do remember being afraid of dogs while growing up though.

I don't know, it just kinda puts a little knot in my belly.

I don't see the harm, right?

I don't wanna be a fucking football pundit,

I don't want folks messing with him. It's under an alias.

I don't.

I feel like a little shit.

I got a red card for elbowing a girl in her neck.

I got nothing.

I haven't spoken with him yet,

I I don't remember it happening, but my mother said it was pretty

I just kinda felt like I was being set up, you know.

I just wanna go on record saying that I think you'd be an amazing pundit.

I know a lot of other clubs have had tremendous success with that.

I know. It used to be.

I know. You got your yoga mums.

I love it. Let's keep going.

I love that idea.

I mean, he didn't steal it.

I mean, he's age appropriate, financially appropriate.

I mean, I can't imagine how different your life must be now.

I mean, that's a tad aggressive, you know.

I mean, you really do have to be brave.

I mean…

I need to be brave enough to let someone…

I promise that's not what I wished for.

I promised the boys we'd watch Empire Strikes Back tonight,

I said that?

I see friends all the time.

I see. Well, the yips…

I suppose you can't.

I sure can, Arlo.

I think it's a good idea.

I think those things come into our lives…

I think we already know what it is, don't we, Coach?

I think we'll be all right, Coach Lasso. Thank you.

I used our fun night out together to try and change your mind

I want you to picture the shot.

I was helping the boss pick out a nail polish color for her date tonight.

I was wondering if you had any comments on Earl, the dog Dani Rojas killed today.

I'd love to, but…

I'd rather shit out my own fucking mouth than do that fucking shit.

I'll be awake. Have fun, yeah?

I'm actually doing a bit of coaching at the moment.

I'm gonna need two more of these, please.

I'm leaving work right now.

I'm not sure why.

I'm so sorry. I I actually didn't know I was

I'm telling you, all these ties are my fault.

I've not heard that one.

If Dani needs motivation, we could always just show him his goddamn paycheck.

If he can get it past this adorable goalkeeper.

If she ever asked me out on a date: "Yes, please."

Impressive.

Impressive.

In October… W What cup's that?

Is everything okay, Rebecca?

Is it okay if I pray?

Is that not every game is televised.

Is that Tom Cruise with a little, tiny ponytail?

Is there a problem?

It got, like, 15 million views.

It must've been super weird afterwards though, right?

It was with this therapist she'd been going to for a while, and…

It's a good name.

It's a shit job for shit people.

It's a tragic occurrence, all right?

It's bullshit.

It's diamonds Shit! I messed it up.

It's funny to think about the things in your life…

It's j Dating is so odd, isn't it?

It's just that he's been so busy with this new coaching gig.

It's like saying Macbeth in a theater,

It's nice to meet you

It's nice to meet you

It's not a bad idea, Coach.

It's okay, Will. Tell your mom a happy birthday from all of us,

It's straight up celestial payback for the Man City game.

It's the first time my father's forwarded me

It's the least you can do.

It's when, just out of nowhere,

Just brilliant.

Just gets better and better every game.

Keep on him.

Knowing that they're now gone.

Last time I did one of your good ideas, I made a fucking fool of myself.

Let me guess. You got a fever for the flavor of a little girl talk?

Let me think here. Let me get my thinking thing on, okay.

Let's fucking do this.

Let's go ahead and give Dani a little bit of space right now, yeah?

Let's kick some corners, right?

Like a know it all twat.

Like a murderer.

Like I was going in there not to be listened to,

Like if I was at a friend's house for a sleepover or something,

Like, "Monday night's wings night down at PJ Flatts," like that?

Like, last week it was Loretta Lynn, this week was Dolly Parton,

Look, I'm all for whatever it takes to help Dani get back to being a hundred.

Lovely.

Me too.

Morning, boss.

My apologies, Dani.

My favorite song of theirs is "Follow You Down."

My favorite's the blue, but I think they all kinda rock.

Nice pass, Sam!

Nice to meet you, Dani. How you feeling?

Nice. A little girl talk. I get it.

Night.

No problem, Dani. Just glad you're feeling better.

No, "Hey Jealousy" is their best song.

No, Dani. I think you're thinking about The Last Samurai.

No, his name's John Wingsnight.

No, I love it.

No, I'm talking about Nigel.

No, that That's great. Yeah.

No, yes, of course. It's just, it's my mum's 50th birthday

No, you didn't mess it up. You were just

No.

Not just being polite?

Not now, Jan.

Not that it's any of my business.

Not too dissimilar from those seen

Nothing wrong with that, most people are fine.

Now hold on a second. His name's John Wingsnight?

Nuts.

Obisanya switches play. He finds Rojas, who has room.

Oh, 1,236.

Oh, and hey, way to play out there today.

Oh, big time. But who cares about Martin Short when you're sitting next to

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Okay. Hey, Dani!

Oh, come in.

Oh, fuck! Yeah, it's yoga mums night. Sorry.

Oh, gamesmanship from the keeper. How will Rojas respond?

Oh, God. Did we really make Michael Jordan cry?

Oh, he's a little shell shocked,

Oh, hi, Ted.

Oh, it means to forget our mistakes and failures and just move on.

Oh, look on the bright side, Ted.

Oh, no, he didn't. Sorry, Ted.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'm sure he'll swing by at some point, right?

Oh, now I get it.

Oh, of course you have. You'd be amazing at that job.

Oh, right, the goddamn Internet.

Oh, same.

Oh, shut up, you slag.

Oh, sorry, Ted. It's just a little bit of girl talk

Oh, terrific. Who do you support?

Oh, thank you, Coach.

Oh, the same thing I'd say to Diane Sawyer

Oh, wait, Ted. She's in a session.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you don't need to stand.

Oh, you know, busy, busy.

Oh!

Oh! Before I forget,

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Okay, what the hell.

Oh. Yeah, no, okay, that'll work too.

Okay, I should go.

Okay, so rule number two is

Okay, so, fellas,

Okay, sure. Thank you.

Okay, that's two weird things in a row. What's going on?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

On showing me what I get when I mess with them.

On the UK's number one show, Lust Conquers All?

One that can be fixed with discipline, not denial.

Or Charles Barkley's golf swing.

Or Voldemort at Hogwarts, or…

Or will it be the footballing tart, Jamie?

Phoebe, how was the match today?

Phoebs, where we at now?

Please, please, please, please.

Please.

Pressure makes pearls, right?

Pretty scary, you know.

Put all bullshit humility aside and be honest with me.

Put down your beer and tell your buddy how you feel a second?

Put it on my tab.

Rebecca wanted to see if we could do some double date action next week.

Richmond has started the season with seven straight ties…

Right, so where should I be conducting my sessions?

Right, so… Come.

Right, yes, of course. Sorry.

Right. Yeah, well, let me know if I passed the test.

Roy. Hurry up. It's about to start.

Rule number one: Even though it's called "girl talk,"

Safe.

Same one that bit me. His name was Hank.

Sat on fucking telly in a dumb fucking suit

See you on Monday at school, girls.

Seems like the first thing we need to do is define the issue, yeah?

Sexually.

Shame what happened to Earl.

She seems fun.

She's amazing.

She's gonna be looking after Dani.

Since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.

Sky Sports reached out again.

So I appreciate you getting the ball rolling, Nate.

So I mean, how is it ever possible to truly feel safe with someone?

So I tap him on the shoulder, he turns around and goes,

So I understand that Dani has developed a case of the yips?

So I'm confused. Is there a problem here?

So let's get away from the bad mojo coming off that penalty box and,

So once the season's over,

So this chap I've been seeing, John.

So what are you doing now then?

So, how's retirement, Roy?

So, then, you're pretty confident that you can help us out with Dani?

Some of us prefer to take long baths at home.

Sometimes being here is like living in a foreign country.

Sometimes girl talk can just be blabbing away about stuff,

Sometimes it needs to be more like, "Girl, listen."

Sorry if I was prattling on too much this evening.

Sorry to interrupt. Can I leave a little early today?

Sorry, Ted. You're right. I I was just hoping you were Keeley.

Sorry. I just wanted to introduce you to Dr. Sharon Fieldstone.

Sorry… Are you breaking up with me?

Sounds like it might be your favorite Gin Blossoms song.

Stamos?

Starting a season with seven consecutive draws?

Still fervently behind their club.

Such hotbeds for, like, almost violence.

Sure thing, Dani, yeah.

Take a deep breath, yeah?

Take it easy, Dani.

Ted, what are your thoughts on therapy?

Ted, would you please stop?

Tell the truth.

Thai.

Thank you.

Thanks.

That can make you cry just knowing that they existed,

That hurt.

That intimacy was all about leaving yourself open to being attacked.

That just doesn't I don't know… trust therapists?

That poor creature. It's so tragic.

That was tacky, and I'm really sorry for it.

That's all right. That's all right.

That's madness. Could I get another one, please?

That's nice. What kind of food?

That's odd.

That's okay. I wish I was Keeley three, four times a day.

That's pretty good.

The Richmond faithful, who've recently gone through so much,

The team's playing well, Ted, just a little unlucky, that's all.

Then in high school, our neighbor, Mr. Grady, well, his wife passed away.

There I was wishing and hoping for a freaking tie,

There you go.

They are a mental condition,

They'd have to keep their family dog outside, otherwise I'd bawl my eyes out.

This is gonna be perfect. Yeah.

This is Nathan, Coach Beard, and Ted Lasso.

This right here, this is Dani Rojas.

Throughout Paul Thomas Anderson's 1999 opus, Magnolia.

Till he started shitting and pissing all over the place.

To Earl.

To help us get from one place to a better one.

To help us get him there,

To put Richmond in the win column for the first time this season.

Tom Cruise was rocking a little, tiny ponytail in both those films.

Too many.

Trent Crimm, bringing that heat.

True that.

Twitter is going bonkers. Look.

Very guilt riddled benefactor of Richmond's largest dog shelter.

Wait, so your way of alleviating my embarrassment is to tell me

Wait, that's wrong.

Waitrose, is it? Who am I talking to, the fucking queen?

Washing the death off of me.

We are still undefeated.

We don't say the Y word out loud, you understand?

We gonna miss him around here a whole bunch. Yeah.

We just received a giant food delivery from our rivals over at Brentford F.C.

We'll see you goldfish on Monday.

Well, as good as you are at your job, I'm twice as good at mine.

Well, Doc, we don't like using that word around here.

Well, fellas, I am more stumped than Paul Bunyan's local forest, you know th

Well, hey, don't forget, football is life, right?

Well, I I recommend you use a little soap.

Well, I bounce back and forward between United and City.

Well, I feel like everyone played their hearts out, especially Sam.

Well, I know that you guys are just gonna smash it next week.

Well, it was obviously a horrible accident,

Well, Keeley, I feel like

Well, Marcus, there's two buttons I never like to hit, all right?

Well, maybe we should bring in a sports psychologist.

Well, shoot, why don't you let me take a crack at it?

Well, the next thing you know, this tiny American woman says,

Well, when I was three years old, I got attacked by our neighbor's dog.

Well, when Michelle and I did couple's therapy,

Well…

West London under nine girls.

What about Earl's owner? He doing all right?

What about this fella right here?

What are the yips?

What did she I mean, what ended up helping you?

What do guys you think?

What do you say to a cocktail, Coach Lasso?

What you talking about, Willis?

What?

What's his name

What's your record?

Which is currently a tie between Southampton and Swansea.

Which is why I wrote it down.

Whichever club's winning, typically.

Who else?

Who will be eliminated this week

Why don't I set you up in my office, all right?

Why y'all looking at me?

Why?

Will Dani Rojas deliver the good boy their first win of the season?

Will it be Grimsby's top makeup counter associate, Ellie?

With a bunch of women that know nothing about you?

With the exception of Richmond's venerable mascot,

Without fear of being hurt and without fear of being…

Wonderful love me,

Wow. We're watching the end of someone's career.

Y'all don't mind showering at home, do ya?

Y'all kicked their butts from soup to nuts.

Yeah, but hold on a sec. I'm just curious.

Yeah, but you can beg for forgiveness later.

Yeah, fair enough. Cheers.

Yeah, hold on.

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, of course. But to which god and in what language, you know?

Yeah, that's exactly right.

Yeah, there we go. Help you get your feel back.

Yeah, well, there you have it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you know, like Chuck Knoblauch's throw to first,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Nah, that's pretty common with older dogs.

Yeah. Want me to stick around, help you break the ice with Dani here?

Yes, and you're now looking at the very new, very generous,

Yes, but, Higgins, the Internet.

Yes, Coach!

Yes.

Yes. Yes, very.

Yikes. I haven't seen someone that disappointed to see me

You can't get rid of me. I'm the island's top scorer.

You could cross your fingers, make a wish.

You deserve someone who makes you feel like you've been struck by lightning.

You don't know that story?

You don't think that people will hate us because of it, do you?

You got it, Coach.

You gotta stay on 'em.

You guys know what I mean.

You hear me?

You know it, Coach.

You know what, I'm gonna go upstairs, thank the good doc before she splits.

You know, have some fun.

You know, I thought it might've been that green eyed monster too,

You know, my friend, Flo, once told me

You listen to me!

You love Martin Short."

You must miss it all like mad, yeah?

You play like that next week, you can kiss the trophy goodbye,

You suffered an unlikely and tragic coincidence.

You sure you don't wanna come back to mine?

You were as charming as ever.

You're all right.

You're gonna have more time to see some friends, right?

You're sure you're okay, me using your office?

You're very sweet. Thank you.

Your retirement press conference was beautiful, Roy. People loved it.

435, 436, 437, 438, 439, 440

"Follow You Down"? No, "Hey Jealousy."

Abso fucking lutely. Can you ask Roy if he's free?

All right, Dani. Okay, Coach.

All right, who wants some hot chocolate? Me!

And? Well, I mean…

Bye, Ms. Bowen. Hey, babe.

Can you hold this, please? Course.

Coach! All right, Marcus,

Did you write a statement for Ted? Yeah, I did.

Fine. Thank you.

going to do that No, no, it's it's all right.

Good, I'm proud of you. Thanks.

He snaps back real quick. Yeah.

He's free. Don't worry. Okay, cool.

He's very handsome, successful. Nice.

Here you go. Thank you.

Hey. May the force be with you. And also with you.

Hi. Hey, gorgeous. What's going on?

Howdy, y'all. Ted!

I do. Yeah, let's go!

I hadn't heard that. Fantastic. Yeah. We got a cup final next week.

I love it. Sounds like it.

I love that about him. Totally.

Jesus. Top up my rosé please, Janice?

Keeley! Hey, Phoebs!

Lunch later this week? Perfect.

Martin Short's wallet. Martin Short's wallet.

No! Wow, that's insane.

Not shy. Is he nice to you?

Oh, I don't think she saw me. She saw you.

Oh, my God! Oh, is that him?

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Oh, right. Wish me luck.

Oh. Isn't that horrible?

Okay, but? Oh, no. Totally.

Okay. But that's not the point.

Okay. Point is,

Or Clara, Bournemouth's scandalous… Cheers.

Outstanding. Yeah?

Really? Yeah, why not?

Right. Yeah?

Roy Kent! John's football mad.

See ya. Bye.

Soccer in England. Bingo.

Sorry, Coach. No, no need to apologize.

Thank you, Mae. Thanks, Mae.

Thank you, Mr. Higgins. No problem.

Thank you, Sharon. For real. You're welcome.

That's good to know. Thank you for coming here.

There it is. Hey, Coach.

Thierry? Oh, yes. Hi.

To Earl. He was a good boy.

To Earl. To Earl.

Trent Crimm The Independent.

Unlucky. Yes!

We're very lucky to have you. Thank you very much.

Well? I think he's a really good match.

What do we call 'em, Coach? New York Jets.

what do you got for me? Coach Lasso,

What's wrong? We got a situation, Coach.

Yeah, fortunately he is. Oh, good.

Yeah, yeah. True.

Yeah! Yes! Nice, nice.

Yeah. Good, okay.

Yeah. I mean, we are all strangers essentially.

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

Yes, yes, yes. Come on! Oh, good!

Yes. Like at a sports bar?

You can't call them little pricks. Sorry, Ms. Bowen.

You ever feel that way? Yeah.

You okay? Oh, yeah.

You went out with another dancer though? Many.

…pharmacist from Borehamwood?

'cause today, you all played like a bunch of little pricks!

"All people are different people."

"Can I have your tap shoes?"

"He's here, he's there, he's every fucking where, Roy Kent,"

"Is that it?"

"Is there a problem?" I go, "Yeah, there's a problem."

"Just kick this jerk in the balls

"The yips"?

"Unlucky." Yeah. Man, I love the way y'all use that word over here.

£1,236.