Ted (2012) Soundboard Edit

A couple of charles brew kowskis

A cushy $38000 a year branch manager who's personal friends with tom skerritt

A hundred bucks says he's showing her the diving team photo

A little heavy on the eye makeup but pretty good

A professional nfl player is called upon to save the world

A young boy's stuffed animal has magically come to life for as yet unknown reasons

Actually could you wrap just this up for me I want to scare the shit out of somebody sure

Actually you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis

Ah! you suck kareem

All I ever wanted was you john bennett

All I ever wanted was you, John Bennett.

All I want is I just want to end on good terms I owe that to you

All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two had no intention to do

All right brandi heather channing breanna amber sabrina melody dakota sierra bambi crystal samantha autumn ruby taylor tara tami

All right buddy go get 'em

All right easy come on ted

All right fuck it

All right here we go

All right here's your keys your rental agreement complimentary map of boston

All right I get it and you know I don't blame you

All right I love you

All right i'm just saying

All right kareem!

All right kid you win we'll do it your way what do you want to do you want to play a game it's playtime right we'll play a game

All right knock it off!

All right look let's just find a better place to get stoned

All right speed round i'm going to rattle off some names and when I hit it fucking buzz it okay you got me

All right this is one man to another

All right whatever you say

All the children were opening their gifts with holiday glee

All you've got to do is not fuck up

An apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles it is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry an absolute death machine

And as one gentleman to another I just want to say I really hope you fucking get lou gehrig's disease

And beat up the ******* kids

And by blaming me you you're just making yourself look like a pussy

And by the way my dancing was not that bad

And don't worry i'll do my very best to get this job that I so crave

And don't worry, I'll do my very best

And for little john bennett christmas day brought a very special new arrival

And for little John Bennett,

And he knew that if he ever found that friend he would never let him go

And he's falling to fucking pieces without you.

And hey all those rich black people can't be wrong right

And I asked my dad if I could have a magical little teddy bear too and he said no

And I guess one of these dogs clamped his jaws on her forearm and wouldn't let go until the fireman showed up and stuck his finger in his ass

And I have rights! (GRUNTS)

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends

And I just hope that maybe we can still be friends.

And I particularly enjoyed the gift you gave me last night

And I promised myself that if I ever had a son I would never ever ever say no to him ever

And I want you to know that after last night I don't ever want to lose anyone who matters to me ever again

And I was so heartbroken

And I'm ready to change,

And if that means getting you off my back well that's just a bonus

And it was so scary but it was like so much fun

And it's a non restricted place

And jesus be with you in christ

And not only that it's the wrong time it's a terrible idea I mean you got the economy you got the credit bubble the supreme court I mean look at haiti

And so john lori and ted lived happily ever after

And that was a promise that neither one of them ever forgot

And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends

And the guy down at the store told me

And then he got deported back to iran

And then they practically have to give me the anderson case

And then they're like oh my god! he can deliver he's actually quite a litigator

And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it cpr and it came back to life

And then when we saw it fall from the tree,

And this is for Lori Collins

And unless you're too blind to notice he's not your only friend anymore

And we we ended up hooking up in the back room

And you better never show your face around quincy you hear me

And you don't remember it no same as last time

And you'll see he'll never be scared of thunder again

And you're nasty do you want to get nasty you're a nasty girl

Anybody can come of course **** are welcome well yeah why wouldn't they be

Are there naked dicks in gay porn

Are we still going to smoke that pot?

Are you even listening to me do you give any shred of a shit

Are you going to do it

Are you kidding me

Are you out here all alone uh no no i'm not you know you're never alone when you're with christ so no i'm not alone

As I said you would need a law degree from a law school

As you can see my dance card is quite full so i'm going to have to decline

Asometimes you're crazy

Asshole!

Aw congratulations john

Aw! merry christmas john

Baby I don't know if this is going to work please just try

Baby please ask ted to move out so we can move on with our lives

Baby, I don't know if this is going to work.

Back off susan boyle!

Back off, Susan Boyle!

Baltic czech

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat right pink floyd

Because I love you

Because in a month my life could be your life

Because of that I just lost the love of my life

Before long teddy had become a huge celebrity in his own right

Besides what if he chose ted

Boom that's me and skerritt

Brandi lynn heather lynn channing tami lynn

Break his arm off!

Break this up break this up get him!

Bring it in, you bastard. Come on

Bullshit! that totally works

But dad

But dad I want the bear on tv

But daddy

But do you think she might be expecting me to make that kind of a move

But he can never fail

But I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing

But i'm talking about a mature relationship lori

But just listen to me for five seconds.

But lori cannot find out she absolutely cannot know I was gone

But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone.

But then she got pregnant from this asshole guy and so we couldn't go and I was all upset

But then she had a miscarriage and so we ended up getting to go skydiving

But then we're two of a kind we move as one

But there was one child who wasn't in such good spirits

But through all the fame teddy never forgot his very best friend john

But will you take care of me forever and ever

But you know thank you for creeping up my night

But you know they're hookers so it's fine

But you're no longer eight you're 35 years old

But, they're hookers, so it's fine.

By a very special Justice of the Peace.

By the power vested in me by the new york jets and by the united peoples of the planet mongo I now pronounce you man and wife

Can I just get a hug oh uh no

Can I please just explain no

Can I please just explain? No

Can we talk about this another time and just enjoy our anniversary dinner

Can you call him back no it's blocked

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me

Can you imagine what that little shit would do to me?

Can you just email me the rest of this story

Candice? No.

Check this out that's me on the high school diving team we dove the shit out of that pool that year

Chill out okay look can we just talk about this what's your name i'm john

Chopped salad half price

Cocaine right

Come here you bastard

Come on buddy

Come on dudes don't tell me you never done it before

Come on I do not sound that much like peter griffin

Come on i'm bored as crap over here just swing by for a bit

Come on it's not that bad

Come on it's not that bad okay I got a shitty job and I assure you I am quite content

Come on james franco

Come on nobody's expecting anybody to propose I mean marriage isn't isn't love enough I submit that love is enough

Come on robert

Come on sam do it! do it!

Come on she'll go home she'll watch bridget jones something asshole she'll have a good cry she'll be fine you'll talk to her tomorrow

Come on take it easy

Come on upstairs

Come on we're going to the hatch shell

Come on, Sam, do it! Do it!

Come share this with me

Company's turning 20 huh so you can bang it but you can't get it drunk right yeah she gets it she enjoys my humor

Couple of brew stoyevskis

Cw!

Dad I want a teddy bear

Dad no!

Daddy gave me an ouch now I have to give you an ouch

Daddy!

Daddy!

Death to ming!

Death to Ming!

Death to ming! yes!

Did you did you just talk

Did you ever hear a boston girl have an orgasm 'oh yeah oh yeah! harder! harder!'

Did you get it no I didn't get it! tell me when you get it!

Did you hurt your head

Did you just call me a whore

Did you really just fart yeah but I pushed it that way with my hand I wonder who it's going to hit first

Do I dare look at the clock

Do I need to wash my hands before I play this game

Do you ever watch a bulls game chicago bulls game in chicago with tom skerritt no no you haven't all right

Do you ever watch this show yeah when leno guest hosts

Do you know what just happened do you have any clue my fucking life just ended!

Do you mind covering for me for a bit I might go lay down in the john

Do you see me fucking with you

Do you want to go get a drink after this I feel like I could use one after seeing a guy almost die

Doing so much more

Don't ever lose her again she's the most important the most important part of your life even more than me

Don't fuck with me on this I know this shit!

Don't know her name. Seems cute

Don't look so surprised you're the one who wished for it aren't you

Don't talk shit to me

Don't tell me! I don't want to hear about it!

Don't! get it away from me!

Donny shut up will ya daddy's making love to new mommy

Donny was arrested by boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy

Down here not looking up your towel swear to god not looking up your towel not looking at your funny business

Dude I got 10 minutes where's flash gordon

Dude one man to another I got you on this

Eating potato salad off of Tami Lynn's bare bottom.

Ed thought I was alf and he kept muttering anti semitic comments he thought alf was ******* for some reason

Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti Semitic comments

Eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen

Every now and then when my life's getting me down and things are tough I just come up here and I look at it and it reminds me that things aren't so bad

Exactly right good okay

Exactly that's what i'm saying

Excuse me

Excuse me i'm sorry to bother you but my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear

Fine it sure as hell beats crying myself to sleep every night

Fine john but this is I swear to god your last chance

First night on your own

Flash gordon is the symbol of our friendship john

Flash gordon quarterback new york jets

Flash! a ah! he'll save every one of us!

Flash! a ah! savior of the universe!

For like, five days

For that one, true friend that he could call his own.

For the Bruins game tomorrow night.

For what

For what (2)

For you I will

Free bubblegum in the bathrooms?

Fuck I can't! i'm with lori here i'm already on probation I just I can't

Fuck it bring it in come here bring it in you bastard come on

Fuck it fine

Fuck man!

Fuck shit sorry that's the thing from the the old yeah yeah

Fuck that I traded off yesterday so I got the other shift

Fuck you thunder you can suck my dick you can't get me thunder 'cause you're just god's farts

Fuck!

Fuck! (2)

Fuck! shit

Fucking becky no

Fucking cocksucker motherfucker!

Funny how it always goes with love when you don't look you find

Get closer

Get him!

Get out of here bennett get lost bennett! get out of here bennett! yeah bennett get lost

Get over here!

Give it a couple of hours you'll be golden ponyboy

Go ahead

Go away

Go go go!

Go on spark it up

Go take care of it let me know how she is thank you go

Go take columbus to herald and get on the expressway

Go to your hammock!

Go! go! go!

God is it bad

God johnny I got so much energy we better start doing stupid shit

God there are some fucked up fish out there

Good glad to hear it

Good good let's see how about we how about we play a little game of hide and seek

Good luck thank you

Good morning lori good morning

Goodbye rex

Got it

Great

Great fantastic

Great, we'll be right back. Come on, buddy

Great. Fantastic

Greatest night ever!

Greatest night ever!

Ha ha no just you homos

Half indian but thanks

Hang on!

Happy playtime

Have you ever considered selling the bear

Haven't you been here before

Having discovered at last that all they really needed was each other

He acknowledged it

He currently resides in burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate brandon routh

He knows he screwed up huge but you've got to believe me it wasn't all his fault

He said no he was going to stay there with you and I twisted his arm lori

He talks!

He taught us right from wrong good from evil and that the word acting apparently has an extremely broad definition

He was instantly promoted to store manager

He'll save with a mighty hand every man every woman every child with a mighty flash!

He's a bear

He's for every one of us! stands for everyone of us!

He's going to sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much

He's such an asshole out of control he's such a sleaze

He's the only reason I ever gained any fucking confidence

He's waiting down at charlie's right now

Helen get my gun

Helen get my gun and call the police!

Hello

Hello 911 I need the police right away this guy took my teddy bear hello

Hello hello john hello

Hello teddy

Hello?

Helped me hang a garage door you ever hang a garage door with tom skerritt no no

Here it goes in the really important pocket for really important stuff okay okay

Hey

Hey anything for you

Hey buddies where is it hanging

Hey by the way don't let me forget you and I got to nail down a plan for the bruins game tomorrow night

Hey ellen yeah who's that over there

Hey greenbaum!

Hey guys anybody know a nice restaurant like something where they give out free bubblegum in the bathrooms

Hey guys can I play

Hey hey

Hey hey guy what's going on

Hey hey sweetie hey lori hi hi

Hey how are you holding up

Hey jared let's go grab another one of these

Hey johnny how about a beer

Hey johnny I just had a great idea let's go get drunk and puke on cars from the overpass

Hey johnny what are you doing you want to come over and catch a buzz

Hey johnny! total t j hooker right yes! fucking a right!

Hey listen I want you to meet a good pal of mine all right

Hey lori can you set the alarm for 11 00 a m i've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow

Hey man you think you can open more than one register there's like 1000 people here

Hey sam this is the guy I was telling you about

Hey squirt how you doing where's your bunny rabbit

Hey ted

Hey ted (2)

Hey ted (3)

Hey there fella how are you

Hey there hey hi hi

Hey there sweaty

Hey well sounds like everything worked out then huh

Hey what's up you get in the club last night I didn't get in because the bouncer was douche face but I made friends in the line

Hey yes here's to four more years

Hey you walking home alone huh yeah do you need a lift

Hey, Greenbaum!

Hey, Johnny, how about a beer?

Hey! play chopsticks you jazzy slut

Hey! what did daddy just get you for your birthday huh a rake that's right an excellent rake a birthday rake so when you clean the yard you don't have to pick up the leaves with your hands

Hey.

Hi ted

Hi thomas how are you

Holy shit oh my god

Holy shit!

Holy shit! (2)

Holy shit! what

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

How about we play a little game of hide and seek?

How are the neighbors you know there's an asian family living next door but they don't have a gong or nothing so it's not too bad

How are you

How are you doing you fuzzy little asshole

How completely stupid that sounded

How great is this how the four of us out to dinner how long have we been saying we were going to

How was work

How we doing ace you coming down

How you doing good to meet you

How's work it sucks

How's your dickhead boss

Hug me

Huh meat hole what that's not right is it no

I actually went through something like this with my last boyfriend

I am not!

I am not!

I am so fake happy for her

I can offer you 6000 dollars in railroad bonds

I can see that

I cannot just ditch work man

I could have wound up like that asian kid at virginia tech but I didn't 'cause of him

I could sit here and tell you i'm sorry it was a huge misunderstanding and i'm ready to change but I don't think you want to hear any of that crap

I could totally see him just taking you down to the basement and really slowly de limbing you while singing some creepy victorian nursery rhyme

I didn't know you had a baby is it alive

I don't have to i'm a fucking teddy bear

I don't I look like snuggle's accountant

I don't know

I don't know but if it were me i'd be expecting a proposal

I don't know he just said he was in trouble

I don't know I dig chicks man

I don't know I got fucking wasted last night

I don't know I guess most guys wouldn't do that

I don't know I just wish he would get his life together our life and he can't and I swear to god it is because of that bear

I don't know that you want to go to a drug dealer with complaints

I don't know. He just said he was in trouble.

I don't know. I just wish he would get his life together.

I don't really know you but i'm trusting you as a man this is serious

I don't remember any of it I was so fucked up

I don't think so i'm i'm in trouble

I don't understand

I don't understand I really don't thirty five years old and you're still scared of a little thunder

I don't understand why you keep putting up with him

I don't want to work at a grocery store

I found my phone

I fucked her with a parsnip last week and I sold the parsnip to a family with four small children

I gave birth once bitch I could kick your fucking ass

I got it

I got the cheers dvd box set and the guy down at the store told me that everybody talks shit about each other in the interviews

I got to be on my own ted I can't see you anymore

I got to cut out for a bit

I got to fuck her again

I got to go

I got you motherfucker I got you okay

I got you something anyway in clear violation of the no gift rule

I got your back on this she won't know i've been there

I guess I didn't think about that

I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow up question

I guess santa paid attention to how good you were this year huh

I guess this is it huh

I guess we can't make small talk all day huh

I had it freeze dried and bronzed

I had to get some air

I have a boyfriend I have told you this yeah the guy with the bear

I have cool moves yeah so do people with parkinson's

I have given up a huge chunk of my life for you

I have no designs on your girlfriend we work together and that's it

I have so much teddy bear paperwork I have to get to it is sick

I have tickets to norah jones at the hatch shell tonight and I would love it if you would go with me

I have to say i've been following you ever since I was a young boy and I remember seeing you on the carson show you were just wonderful

I hear the fat kid running I hear the fat kid running I bet it's hilarious

I heard you got busted

I heard you got busted.

I just asked you a question

I just farted that was a man fart

I just thought we were saying funny names

I just wanted john and I to be friends

I know and we'll hang out all the time right all the time

I know done man right here in front of you all right

I know I didn't take our relationship seriously but lori I do love you more than life itself

I know I just don't know what to do here

I know I mean me and norah met back in 2002 at this event for this charity that we were both involved with

I know i'm not a talking teddy bear but at least you didn't have to make a magical wish to get me how do you know

I know I'm not a talking teddy bear,

I know it sucks but otherwise i'm going to lose her and I do love her ted

I know sir i'm sorry it wasn't my fault

I know that I don't think of him as an actor anymore he's just like a guy

I know what you did with ted wasn't easy and I just want you to know that I love you for it and I think it's a new beginning for our relationship

I know you do johnny

I know you will

I know you will all right

I know! you know it's like god wanted me to go skydiving you know jesus or jesus him too could be him yeah

I look stupid no you don't you look dapper

I love hide and seek i'll hide

I love you girls you know somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night

I love you I love you too

I love you I love you too (2)

I love you so much you won't be sorry I swear

I love you too

I love you too teddy

I love you!

I love you! (2)

I love you! (3)

I made you out to be a hero

I married the wrong woman and now I lead a life of regret

I mean he has a huge heart and we laugh a lot it's just a bonus that he's the hottest guy in boston

I mean I know exactly what i'm gonna order

I mean if we were together our babies would be spectacular

I mean when you think about it it was actually really unfair of him to embarrass you like that

I mean, when you think about it,

I might be gay I don't know

I need I need to tell you something

I need to talk to you

I need to tell you something.

I owe that to you.

I realize that

I said a bad word one time daddy punished me for it

I saw lori leaving the apartment with rex

I should have stopped hanging out with you a long time ago

I thank you for saving every one of us

I think I need to clear the air here a little

I think it sucks i'm going to have a talk with him

I think those veneers just make it a smoother ride for me

I think we're very far apart on this

I think we're very far apart on this.

I think you're a great guy and she's a very lucky girl

I think you're being a little more fair to him

I thought that was just for people in florida

I thought the fireman stuck his own finger up his own ass

I thought you were going to be funnier

I told him to bail on you that night at rex's and he said no

I told you I can totally be a lawyer

I try to make duck dinner now plaster everywhere

I want it

I want to be fair to you and to him you know

I want to scare the shit out of somebody.

I want us to keep talking because I think that maybe

I want you to be happy you deserve that

I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend.

I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then flash gordon

I was going to stop in for like five minutes and then Flash Gordon...

I was not a popular child you have to understand I had no friends before he came along

I was the king of the '80s I was ted fucking danson

I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you and there he was picking her up

I went to new york once in 1981 and I just did not feel safe

I will kick you out in five john I have to kick you out

I will sir I promise

I won't dance

I'd call it more than a little treat

I'll help you get on your feet out there I promise

I'll just meet you upstairs then

I'll pick you up at 8 00

I'll tell you what I got your wife's pussy on my breath

I'm 35 years old and i'm going nowhere all I do is smoke pot and watch movies with a teddy fucking bear

I'm alive johnny!

I'm alive your magical wish worked!

I'm always fascinated to meet ted's girlfriends

I'm an asshole I know that it worked for me in high school and it's been a reflex ever since

I'm coming

I'm fine i'm fine I just didn't have time for breakfast and the garage was full

I'm going to have sex with your girlfriend

I'm going to name you teddy

I'm going to punch through it

I'm going to punch through it.

I'm going to show you something that I don't like to show people because I don't want them treating me differently

I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late today all right

I'm gonna pout at you until I get my way

I'm good i'm good

I'm good. I'm good.

I'm in trouble.

I'm just kidding you I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded

I'm just saying let them in yeah let them in

I'm just trying to find a way to keep you both in my life

I'm never going to have a life with you around

I'm not an it pal i'm a he all right

I'm not gay I know and you're not gay so we're fine

I'm not going to let you down goose what top gun so tom skerritt

I'm not going to try to get you to take me back why would you i've been a really shitty boyfriend for the last four years I don't deserve you

I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start

I'm not going to wait any longer for my life to start.

I'm really glad that you came me too yeah

I'm serious john

I'm so sorry johnny so am I man

I'm so sorry you did everything you could i'm so sorry

I'm sorry little guy but my bear isn't for sale see i've had him since I was about your age he's very very special to me

I'm sorry mr bennett I didn't mean to scare anybody

I'm such a baby 'cause the dolphins make me cry

I'm trying to walk a line here

I've been bumming around with ted too much I know that too

I've been crapping out room for it for two days

I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

If I had to make a guess I would say that you made up some bullshit excuse to get out of work to go to ted's now am I right

If it's okay with you I just want to say what I want to say

If there's no ski at the end of the root word then we would just be idiots saying nonsense

If you can cover for me i'm cool with all that other shit

If you can punch through this wall you really are flash gordon

If you think that by making shit like that up you're going to make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her you're out of your fucking mind

If you want to make some sort of arrangement here's my address and phone number and you can call me any time okay

Is he all mine daddy

Is it 9 30 yeah shit I got to get to work!

Is it a hugging gun

Is it okay if I kick your boss's ass that won't affect your workplace chemistry will it

Is that a flash gordon ray gun or are you just happy to see me

Is that cannibalism

Is that my ringtone oh yeah

It began in 1985 in a town just outside boston

It doesn't feel like four years does it no it doesn't

It doesn't sound very mellow

It doesn't sound very mellow

It doesn't work

It has been said that magic vanished from our world a long time ago and that humanity can no longer fulfill its desires through the power of wishes

It just seems kind of gay doesn't it I don't know maybe yeah

It should be right here somewhere

It was christmas eve and all the children were in high spirits

It was fine

It was fine.

It was in the handicapped stall so it was nicer than the regular stalls

It was pretty bad

It was you you did it

It works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 00 a m doesn't it

It'll be great when it's furnished

It's a miracle.

It's a special night we've been dating for four years

It's a special night. We've been dating for four years.

It's all right go go go i'll pull out of here

It's an old sweater huh

It's easy we just got to nail a lot of girls named stephanie

It's going to be all right

It's jesus' birthday tomorrow and you know what i'm gonna get him what my fist in your fucking face!

It's Lance Armstrong's nut

It's not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.

It's not that big of a deal

It's not that big of a deal

It's okay i'll drive you I feel fine

It's the truth i'm telling you

It's working for me

Jesus

Jesus christ!

Jesus christ! what the fuck man

Jesus fucking christ!

Jesus guy you look like shit man what happened

Jesus h fuck!

Jesus I am so sorry I didn't see you it was an accident

Jesus I look like the robot from aliens

Jesus this is weak it's not even getting me high I got to have a talk with my weed guy

Jesus you look fantastic

Jesus!

Jesus! lori was right

John

John (2)

John all you got to do is not fuck up and you get my job when I go to corporate next month you're the new branch manager

John and lori were married in cambridge by a very special justice of the peace

John became instantly attached to teddy

John bennett

John five minutes and then i'll kick you out I promise just come over

John flash gordon was the most important influence of our formative years

John get away from that thing get over here right now

John I hope that listen I don't want you to think that

John I look like something you give your kid when you tell him grandma died

John I need a man not a little boy with a teddy bear

John I need you out of the apartment tonight

John it's almost 10 00

John it's me can you hear me

John longed with all his heart

John longed with all his heart for that one true friend that he could call his own

John look don't you think after four years maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner

John picked the perfect night to make a wish.

John wait listen I love you!

John was just about the happiest boy in the world and he couldn't wait to tell everyone the good news

John we could do that again

John, Flash Gordon was the most important influence of our formative years

John, we could do that again.

JOHN: It should be right here, somewhere.

JOHN: Shit!

John! may I speak with you please

John! May I speak with you, please?

John.

Johnny

Johnny i'm frightened

Johnny i'm i'm sorry

Johnny i'm sorry man that car just came out of nowhere

Johnny it's me

Johnny open the door please I want to talk

Johnny thank christ you made it

Johnny there you are p

Johnny where are you you got to get over here man

Johnny, there you are. I had to get some air.

Johnny!

Johnny!

Johnny! (2)

Just a man with a man's courage he knows nothing but a man but he can never fail

Just give me the car keys

Just give me the car keys

Just give me the car keys (2)

Just go out with me one time

Just go out with me one time and if you're miserable and you hate it then I promise I will never even hint at the subject again please

Just tell him you don't feel well

Just to be clear i'm not embarrassed

Language!

Lauren charlene chantal courtney misty jenny krista mindy noelle shelby trina reba cassandra

Let him try it man

Let me ask you something

Let me out of here you crazy bastard!

Let's all be best friends

Let's do some shots with you oh my god yes! oh my god yes! totally yes!

Let's give him a job maybe he'll give us a few laughs around the office

Let's go!

Let's go!

Let's see how well you know these streets

Liberty fast track skerritt john

Like something where they give out

Like we work we worked on my garage two months ago

Like what

Like, where are you from?

Listen I just want to say thank you

Listen if you're here to fight john's battles for him

Listen john and I may have our problems but at least he tried

Listen john there's something that I need to say to you too

Listen speaking of classy ciao bella is a really expensive restaurant

Listen to your father! come here!

Listen to yourself what am I emperor ming here controlling your mind that's your choice john

Listen why don't john and I go get a drink at the bar sure great we'll be right back come on buddy

Listen you got to let me help you make things right with you and lori

Listen, I don't want you to think that...

Listen, I just want to say thank you

Little john bennett

Look all i'm saying is that boston women are on the whole a paler uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life

Look at that one wasp y white guy fish

Look at the hair on my upper lip that's man hair

Look at these pecs these are man pecs

Look I don't know if I can drive!

Look I know it sucks okay but you've got to make some money so you can pay for an apartment

Look i'll be back in 30 minutes tops okay

Look i'm going to cut the shit here

Look i'm only saying this because I love you

Look i'm sorry I messed up

Look i'm trying to get my shit together and be an adult here for lori's sake

Look john loves you very much more than anything in the world and he's falling to fucking pieces without you

Look johnny if we're ever going to get serious about opening a restaurant we got to start planning it now italian italian yes

Look just let me talk first all right and then you can say whatever you want

Look lori you want him to be a man but as long as he's got his teddy bear he's always going to be a boy

Look that was a tough night for all of us

Look the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself

Look we're very interested in the bear

Look what jesus did! look what jesus did! look what jesus did!

Look you remember when you were 10 and you hit that squirrel with your bb gun and then when we saw it fall from the tree we both started crying you remember

Look, I know it sucks, okay?

Look, I'm only saying this because I love you.

Lori and I have been dating four years tomorrow I want to take her some place really nice

Lori and I may just need a little space right now

Lori ever fart in front of you yeah really yeah many times

Lori get the stuffing get it all

Lori hey you're home early

Lori how you doing I haven't talked to you in forever

Lori I lori! lori wait please

Lori I need to see you in my office

Lori i've wanted to give this to you for a long time

Lori look he's been my best friend since I was eight

Lori lori please I love you

Lori the worst that can happen is that you go on a fun casual date with a guy who just wants a chance to prove that he can be something more than a jerk

Lori this is angelique heavenly cherene and sauvignon blanc

Lori tried to break up a dog fight and I guess she got hurt pretty bad

Lori was right about you

Lori what hey what are you doing here

Lori why don't you like me i'm rich i'm good looking my dad owns the company

Lori will you marry me

Lori,

Lori, please, I love you.

Lori!

Lori's a senior vp at a big huge pr firm

Making yourself look like a pussy.

Maybe a mike brew gaslowski

Maybe no to a snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt

Maybe she's hoping for something more than dinner?

Me and ted are going to be best friends daddy

Me it's not my fault she can't speak english

Merry christmas everybody

Michelob ultra tuscan orange g****fruit

Ming?

Mmm well that's how much I love you

Mom dad guess what my teddy bear's alive!

More importantly I was sam fucking mayday malone

Move sucker!

My buddy's in town with his cousin and who do you think is with him sam jones

My daughter better be alive you sick son of a bitch

My god america is imploding

My longest relationship was like six months and then she farted in her sleep i'm like i'm out of here man I was gone before she woke up

My name is wan ming ming

My phone says I texted someone at 3 15 asking them to beat me up and then at 4 30 I texted the same person saying 'thanks'

My relationship is at a very delicate stage you know

Mystery solved I guess right she was taking a shit

NARRATOR: It has been said that magic vanished from our world

NARRATOR: John became instantly attached to Teddy

NARRATOR: Now, if there's one thing you can be sure of,

Never mind take her to benihana

Nice good huh good job take pride in that

Nice! yeah

Nikki kelsey shawna jolene earline claudine savannah kasey dolly kendra carla chloe devon emmylou

No I can't do that that would devastate him

No I can't i'm taking lori to dinner

No I don't think a firefighter would do that

No I don't think she is

No I know this guy a long time i've known him since 911

No I think i'd rather just have you take me home

No I think it's only cannibalism if you swallow

No i'm fine i'm fine

No i'm good thank you

No it has to have a ski at the end of it otherwise where's the challenge

No it's fine

No john don't hang up! i'm in trouble

No john we can get her back

No look at me buddy I promise you're going to be okay

No lori's from pennsylvania that's not a boston girl

No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're corey feldman frankie muniz justin bieber or a talking teddy bear eventually nobody gives a shit

No mexicans though

No mom he's really alive look

No no

No no and it kills me to have to tell you no because i'm a people pleaser