Malcolm in the Middle (2000) - Season 1 Edit

A backpack.

A doll?

A good soldier always checks the chamber.

A little security tip, though.

A naked man arguing with a wall.

A nudie bookstore...

A plush toy just fell on the floor.

A small pack of Krelboynes has ventured out of hiding...

A space dad who just got kicked out

A special gift for a special lady...

A stripped car.

A sympathetic ear, a shoulder to cry on...

A thousand miles away at military school and all.

About 100 squirrels came boiling out of the branches.

About evil puppet movies.

About Mom and Dad's anniversary.

About the phone calls.

Absolutely deserved it.

Absolutely.

Academic circus?

Accept it.

Actually, now that you mention it... no.

Actually, that was pretty cool.

Actually, there might be, but I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Actually, we're kind of tired.

Afraid you can't beat your mommy?

After all I've done for you

After all, they are the future.

After I came home from that bake sale in tears.

After today, they're going to fire my ass so fast.

After you.

Against each other

Ah, don't be silly.

Ah, great. When is it?

Ah, it just needs to air out a little.

Ah, you cannot hide.

Ah. Looks like we're the only ones who gave them pot holders.

Ah. Uh, stay back.

Aha.

All because Reese won't admit he did it.

All I can identify

All I can think about is how hard he's twisting my nipple.

All I want is the truth.

All in favor?

All right, fine. Pillows.

All right, frozen pizza.

All right, I have had it.

All right, relax.

All right, take it away.

All right, that's enough!

All right, that's enough.

All right, that's it.

All right! Yeah! Yeah!

All right.

All right.

All right. Thank you.

All she has to do is see that, and everything will change.

All the car alarms go off

All the time.

Although there's probably one in here of a cadet

Am I right?

Am I right? Of course I'm right.

Am I wrong?

Amateurs.

Amen to that.

An eight inch scratch on the car, Francis!

An emotional distance between us.

An evil circus?

Analyze what I had for lunch.

And a head injury.

And a level three toxic biohazard...

And a more authoritative speaking register are plain

And a whole lot of alcohol a meal,

And all of this is going to happen

And all those letters you sent...

And being with you in a perfect, golden moment.

And bring them out

And build...

And chased them all over.

And Dewey shoved a sandwich in the VCR.

And don't expect any meat either,

And don't move a muscle.

And Fermat's Last Theorem!

And find the sex slides.

And for that, he will be severely punished.

And Francis is in charge of us for the whole weekend.

And frankly, I don't think that's such a bad thing.

And German dungeon porn, I don't think so.

And get people to pledge money for every mile that I go.

And half eaten cereal boxes

And have no shame whatsoever...

And he didn't give you much choice.

And he led a very full life.

And he took off.

And he'll punish you

And he's already the most obnoxious kid

And her voice, it was...

And here's your gum.

And heroes do not rot alone

And hiding things in a fake salt can?

And hosing bird poop off our car.

And I am forced to rely on a less effective option:

And I definitely think I did.

And I didn't have to do anything.

And I do.

And I got to ride inside his head,

And I hate it.

And I have just about had it with...

And I know you love Francis as much as we do,

And I mean it. Really. Do you hear me?

And I need you to buy me a cell phone.

And I saw that tattoo, Jimmy!

And I swear, I'm not just saying that.

And I want that to be you.

And I was thinking of you the whole time!

And I'll have to train for it, so it'll take dedication

And I'll kick the conniption

And I'm going to have to punish you.

And I'm going to love not having to yell at somebody every 20 seconds.

And I'm not coming out.

And I'm not getting up again.

And I'm not going to see you for a really, really long time.

And if I am not mistaken, you are undermining my authority.

And if you don't, they're gonna toss your butt back into military school.

And it'll be helping cure diseases

And it's going to be good.

And just enough to keep you crawling back for more.

And just remember, Dewey will tell us everything you did while we're gone.

And launching secret investigations

And my brother is home from military school to take care of us.

And my register came out to the penny.

And no parties okay?

And now he's hiding out at the creek.

And now it's going after the children?

And now the monster's my friend,

And on this joyous day,

And once they know we're capable of this

And removing trees

And school's easier now

And seeing that weird face in the bark

And she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk.

And since a big part of this family

And sleeping... over?

And so do I, for that matter.

And stroking your hair

And that means no faces

And that's just the stuff I didn't block out.

And that's really what I need.

And the branches are a little spindly

And the circle of life goes on.

And then a day later

And then he'll punish me

And then I can get on with my life.

And then I drew a robot, Francis.

And then I had a Popsicle.

And then it got away.

And then there's a big explosion and lots of bubbles.

And then...

And there's no face.

And this field trip to the historic ghost town,

And this is the living room.

And this is the thanks I get?!

And to you that's a good idea?

And two wallet size

And very possibly endangered a hundred lives.

And watch TV...

And we went to get Slurpees.

And when I have a problem, they're always there.

And yet, I'm doing it anyway.

And yet... you keep... talking.

And you don't even care.

And you know what most people do with theirs?

And you look great in black.

And you made fun of me

And you owe me 49 cents.

And you'd make me feel so good about myself,

And you're a member of this family.

And you're not holding poquito cabeza.

And you're not so big

And you're not so big

And you're not so big

And you're not so big

And, no, I don't feel that way.

And, oh, guess what else.

And, you know, we love him.

And... my heart soars when I think...

Another night in the chat room.

Another one...

Anybody home?

Anything else.

Anyway, he was a very good frog.

Anyway, I think I hear you guys

Anyway, with them

Apologize for what? I wasn't going to do anything.

Are just going to love this at your next birthday party.

Are little pieces of carrot and...

Are supposed to help you feel better

Are these real?

Are these real?

Are those nuts?

Are you all right?

Are you aware of the power of the Internet?

Are you boys almost finished wrapping our present?

Are you crazy? I can't go anywhere.

Are you done?

Are you just going to keep getting smarter and weirder?

Are you scared now?

Are you sure, nine?

Are you sure, sir?

Are you sure?

Are you trying to seduce me?

Are you watching Buffy?

Aren't only husbands supposed to give gifts?

Aren't you forgetting something?

As far as I'm concerned

As high as you can.

As it should be, son, as it should be.

As much as it is a fantasy

As that room full of folding chairs.

As usual, a mixed message.

As we celebrate the occasion of two souls joining into one...

As your password.

Ask forgiveness.

At 0800 tomorrow.

At least someone else in the family is normal.

At the restaurant in ten minutes.

Attaboy. She will never know a thing.

Aw, come on, Francis.

Aw, don't give me that!

Aw, geez, Hal... Is that it?

Aw, Mom, no fair.

Aw, this is cozy!

Aw!

Aw...

Awesome.

Based on how I behave over one weekend without even telling me about it.

Bases loaded...

Beautiful work. Beautiful.

Because Caroline won't even make eye contact with me anymore.

Because her real name is disease.

Because if my parents find out that I got hurt

Because it's a family picnic, Francis,

Because nobody is going anywhere until one of you tells me who.

Because now we can see your house.

Because she didn't want another karate video.

Because that's just ridiculous.

Because they all voted not to serve anything that ever had a mother.

Because we're giving all our money

Because we're in that trailer with kids...

Because you said you weren't interested!

Because... he's always okay.

Bed!

Bedtime and a Chucky movie.

Bedtime was 20 minutes ago.

Beebee, I don't think...

Beebee, I think it would be better

Beebee, just meet him at the creek at 7:30, okay?

Beebee, please.

Beebee, you can't imagine how much I miss you.

Beebee: Francis?

Beebee?

Beebee...

Beebee's coming. Beebee.

Been answered.

Before sleepy time.

Before we ask her.

Behold.

Being chased by something big but invisible and... Never mind.

Believe me, this isn't meant to publicly humiliate you.

Besides, it sends a good message to our enemies.

Better get moving.

Blood tastes funny.

Bob's funeral.

Both sides.

Bought them some time.

Boy: I'll race you!

Boy...

Boys, boys, stop it.

Boys, I just, I don't know what to do anymore.

Boys, will you step outside for second?

Boys! The number for the hotel is on the counter.

Boys?

Brava.

Brothers of the apocalypse?

Brownnoser.

Bug infested cookies.

Burger Barn!

Burger Barn! Burger Barn!

But first

But how was I supposed to know he was 15?

But I can't stop thinking about it.

But I don't like it.

But I found another one, but it died.

But I have to tell you something first.

But I honestly don't know.

But I know places like this

But I need you to be brave. Can you do that for me, squirt?

But I should have been.

But I still want credit.

But I want you to help me find out who did.

But I'm calling from inside a washing machine.

But I'm not doing this for me.

But I'm sure there's something.

But if you think I would, then maybe I should.

But in time you'll see...

But it was worth it.

But it's a little embarrassing, so...

But it's cooler outside.

But it's not the..

But it's really matured you.

But my act of courage

But my crayon broke.

But sadly, times have changed

But shame on you.

But she sure wears a lot of lipstick.

But slow down.

But that's not the point.

But the one who helps me will be a very happy boy.

But then we would... you know?

But they're not going to decide my whole future

But you agree to it when you sign up.

But you are behaving like a giant ass!

But you can never be too careful.

But you can't remember to brush your teeth.

But you can't, 'cause you can never let anything go.

But you have to keep it a secret.

But you said if I ever needed anything...

But you still haven't proven

But you told us the whole story

But you've confirmed it...

But...

But...

By the pocket calculator!

By the time I count to three.

Bye, Jumpy.

Bye.

Bye.

Call us next time you're in town.

Can easily be transmitted to you.

Can I ask you a question?

Can I have my ball back, Kevin?

Can I have some?

Can I have...?

Can I help kill it?

Can I see you for a minute, please?

Can I trust you?

Can I trust you?

Can you beat her up tomorrow?

Can you believe it? Meat

Can you repeat the question?

Can you repeat the question?

Can you understand what dogs are saying?

Can't feel... my legs.

Can't he be a sensitive cop?

Can't tell.

Can't you just try for our sake?

Can't you put some life in it?

Can't.

Caroline: Okay, peoples

Caroline?

Carry me... like...

Cellular mitosis.

Certainly not at home

Chancres...

Chancres...

Changed to... catalytics.

Check it out, Stevie.

Cheeseless... sauceless pizza.

Chill. You are not going to get anywhere fighting with each other.

Chill... man.

Chins up like baby birds.

Chork it is.

Cleaning up.

Close the door. Were you raised

Closer to the wall.

Come here and let me see it.

Come here!

Come here!

Come on, come on

Come on, come on

Come on, come on

Come on, come on, hand 'em over.

Come on, Dewey!

Come on, Dewey.

Come on, it's mine.

Come on, Kevin.

Come on, let's make the best of this.

Come on, Mom. I'll do anything.

Come on, the coast is clear and...

Come on, there's got to be a catch!

Come on, there's got to be something we can do, someone we can call.

Come on! Sing louder!

Come on.

Come on...

Come, take a look.

Coming up. Dewey?

Commandant says your phone privileges have been revoked for a month.

Commandant will know you took the key

Concussion? I think he's making too much of this.

Conditioning.

Cool. I'll hold it.

Cool. Thanks. I owe you one.

Could somebody, please, show me some credit cards?

Cousin Nancy doesn't have a mother.

Craig?

Craig...

Cut it out!

Dad, do something.

Dad, does this seem okay to you?

Dad, I want you to meet someone.

Dad?

Dad.

Dad...

Damn, she's good.

Damn. Beta.

Darn right.

De gustibus non est disputandum.

De kub...

Dearest Beebee, something wonderful has happened.

Delancey Park.

Dewey, get out of there.

Dewey, pants on, mister.

Dewey, please!

Dewey, we told you to stop climbing that tree.

Dewey: Hello.

Dewey: Ow!

Dewey: Ow! Let me go!

Dewey! What was...?!

Did they crack?

Did you enjoy your meal, sir?

Did you get the cookies I sent you?

Did you have fun tonight, Malcolm?

Did you hear breathing?

Did you hear what I said?

Did you know that your family has given me a nickname?

Did you miss me?

Did you roll around in something?

Did you see Circus break that cinder block with his head?

Did you tell anyone about this place?

Didn't you change our code number?

Dinner?

Dinner? Me? Saved?

Dinner. I won't have you boys starving to death.

Direct.

Diversion...

Do I think about that?

Do we know you?

Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?

Do you ever feel

Do you have any brothers?

Do you have any idea

Do you have any lemonade?

Do you hear me?

Do you know how dumb and careless you're being?

Do you know how much that'll cost to fix?!

Do you think this is going to be one of those long services?

Doctors said it was the biggest mucus plug they'd ever seen.

Does it hurt?

Does it teach you to pick up your socks?

Doing what?

Don't answer that.

Don't be mean 'cause mean is bad

Don't be mean 'cause mean is bad

Don't do it.

Don't even think about it.

Don't even try it.

Don't give me that. What'd you do?

Don't know.

Don't let... anyone...

Don't look at her eyes.

Don't move.

Don't scream. It's me.

Don't talk to her like that.

Don't think.

Don't want to do that. That's...

Don't want...

Don't worry about it.

Don't worry, I think I'll be fine as long as...

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare.

Don't you even care?

Don't you ever get sick of being a Krelboyne?

Don't you guys have any respect for the dead?

Don't you have a frequent customer discount like at the car wash?

Don't you know how this is all going to end?

Don't you want to explore?

Don't.

Done.

Downtown rocks.

Dude, don't bail on me.

Dude, I have never gotten "thug" before.

Dude, I'm in military school.

Dude, it's ancient history.

Dude, there is a McDonald's in Hanoi Square.

Dude, we already know you're smart.

Dude, we're coming over.

Dude, you're not going to believe it. I finally moved out.

Dude, you're supposed to remind me before...

Duh! No one understands.

Dynamite...

Easy.

Eating close to his face

Ed: That tree was older than your house.

Education.

Either she's losing her touch, or we're getting better.

Either speed up or get off the road, jackass!

Embarrassing private E mail...

End of discussion

Eraserhead: Stop!

Especially with your family here.

Even if you found out I was a freak, right?

Even you.

Ever bothers to remember anything.

Every door.

Every night for the past two weeks.

Every one of these diseases

Every secret sin this place conceals

Everybody up!

Everything is okay now that we're together.

Everything you do.

Everything's all set up?

Exactly. She won't...

Except now I get ostracized.

Excuse me, sir?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Execution sucked.

Factor it!

Farewell, Jumpy Number Nine.

Farewell, noble Lester.

Fate is just what you call it when you don't know the name

Fate.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Filled with boldness and determination.

Finally.

Fine by me.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. Give me some antiseptic.

Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car.

Fine. Throw it in the trash, then.

Fine. We have an installment plan

Finished.

Finley, boom ba yay, Finley, boom ba yay...

Finley, boom ba yay...

Finley, what are you doing in the cupboard?

Fire?

Fire?

Fire?!

First of all, you all burned the dress.

Following Streisand.

Following you...

For $9.99 and that's what I want.

For 15 years, you mowed your lawns at night

For another $5.00

For beating up a seven year old.

For one silly picture.

For this long before.

For what?

For what?

For what?

Forty one...

Forty three...

Forty two...

Four words: Nana has a fever.

Francis did what?!

Francis is back home.

Francis is going to have to sink or swim on his own,

Francis is kicking ass!

Francis talks about you all the time.

Francis, boom ba yay...

Francis, bud, I heard you were in town.

Francis, do you remember the thumb thing?

Francis, I don't know why you assume

Francis, I have to tell you...

Francis, I'm just going to tell her I did it

Francis, I'm sorry I'm calling you so late.

Francis, it sucks around here without you.

Francis, no. I can't do that.

Francis, this sounds kind of drastic, even for you.

Francis, we have to clean this up.

Francis, what are you doing here?

Francis, what are you doing?!

Francis, what's wrong with you?

Francis: Mom, Dad, hi.

Francis!

Francis?

Francis.

Franklin, I'm ready to order.

From the ashes of the old Francis rises a new man

From the mother of a foul mouthed thug.

Froot Loops.

Furuncles...

Furuncles...

General tone?

Generate a fear response

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen...

Get away from me, Kevin.

Get back!

Get dressed... we're going to dinner.

Get ice and some paper towels.

Get it?

Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron and one of Dewey's stuffed animals.

Get my chain saw.

Get off it!

Get off me, you moron.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Get out of my face.

Get out of the chair.

Get out of there, man.

Get set.

Get the car!

Get them yourself.

Get up!

Get your own, doofus!

Getting some use out of it.

Give her this

Give me 20 minutes?

Give me a minute to think.

Give me a minute.

Give me more chips!

Give me that.

Go ahead.

Go away!

Go for the spare.

Go get it, Stinky.

Go there!

Go to bed!

Go to bed!

Go, Malcolm! Go, Malcolm! Go, Malcolm!

God, I hate this hairdo.

God, would you quit nagging me?

God. One drink and...

Gonna... puke.

Good bye.

Good for you.

Good God.

Good man.

Good night, Mom.

Good night, son.

Good night, sweetie.

Good.

Good.

Good. Good, good, good, good.

Gosh, I had such a good day at work today.

Gosh, no. Your mother and I have never fought

Got to get... my chemicals...

Got to think.

Guilt. Go for guilt.

Guys, quit it.

Ha... ha.

Had a quiet moment together like this?

Hah! $210!

Hal, bring the spray!

Hal, I can handle this.

Hal, I'm not Dewey.

Hal, you okay?

Hal: Ah, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hal: Besides, son

Hal: Huh?

Hal: Just love me.

Hal: Oh, really?

Hal.

Hal...

Half a can.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

Has disappeared, replaced by a single glorious purpose.

Has ever loved her the way that I do.

Have a good evening.

Have I been... bumped?

Have to be boys.

Having been the buzz of last year's math fair.

Having this extra light in the room.

He came here to see Beebee.

He can't be seven. He's bigger than I am.

He can't walk.

He escaped from military school and hitchhiked all the way here.

He fell on his butt and everything.

He has more pledges here

He hated the Commandant as much as we do.

He hunts back there during the day.

He is doing this just to upset me.

He is going to raise over $8,000.

He just turned seven.

He loves to make me read.

He received the sheet music this morning.

He said something about being evil

He started flying around on rocket boots,

He thinks he can run away from school like some kind of escaped convict?

He thinks there's a monster under the bed.

He understands, right?

He was a good...

He was filled with impudent rage, like we are.

He was huge.

He was in no position to throw out names.

He was just, like, dazed.

He was one of us!

He wasn't traveling!

He'll be a thousand miles from here.

He's 16 and thinks he's in love.

He's afraid of.

He's all by himself at military school.

He's all sc****d up and smelly and hungry and dirty,

He's finally going to win.

He's giving that same lecture

He's going to be in the portrait.

He's good at it, apparently.

He's good at math, right?

He's hiding.

He's in second grade.

He's in the bathroom.

He's lonely, so he calls his little girlfriend.

He's meeting her at Delancey Park by the soccer field.

He's my brother.

He's off in Alabama.

He's only been here for two weeks

He's part of the family.

He's right!

He's so great.

He's so sad that he doesn't have pizza

He's talking like he's crazy.

He's...

Hearts are precious things.

Hello, little guy.

Hello, nice to meet you.

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Is this...?

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello. I'm Lois. This is Hal.

Her radar is up. I can't do anything.

Here it comes.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Here you go, Lester buddy.

Here you go.