Malcolm in the Middle - Season 1 Edit

A bad news/ good news thing here.

A bubble bath!

A candy bar?

A chance to spend a few extra minutes with my sons, enjoying their company...

A couple friends and I want to explore

A couple of cots and a drain in the floor.

A direct, continuous linear relation

A knife, my bedroll and some emergency rations.

A laser guided bee cannon.

A lengthy hospital stay is the perfect environment

A little something to remember me by.

A pageant, though.

A scapegoat... thanks.

A secret, deadly project.

A single creative thought here.

A stinkin' son of a...

A superheated spike shot out by power charges.

A Tale of Two Cities.

A Tale of Two Cities.

About how I got my black eye.

About sending Francis to a work farm

Absolutely not: We had an agreement.

Absolutely not. You need at least two more days.

Actually thought I'd be flattered by it.

Actually, son, after death

Actually, that was a pretty good excuse.

Adult supervision.

After "killer robot" is going to sound reasonable.

After all, it's only my Aunt Helen.

Agreement? You just like bossing me around!

Ah, the fatal scratch.

Ah.

Ah.

All I come home to every night are three howling cats and... Bob.

All I know is your mother must carry some sort of internal antidote,

All I'm taking is a canteen...

All I've got are all the reasons

All kinds of financial plans available.

All of the boys and girls on your street are my friends.

All right, but if I'm giving the talk,

All right, class.

All right, everyone in the car as is.

All right, let's see it.

All right, men.

All right, then

All right, you guys are doing me a favor

All right!

All right!

All right.

All right. Okay.

All right. Take him to his room.

All these issues with my mother.

All three boys are getting it at the same time.

All washed.

All you got to do is ask them.

All: How?

All: Oh, yeah!

Almost dies 1,000 miles from home

Am I the only one that cared about her?

And all I get are complaints!

And all this time I was at least partially responsible

And all you have to do is apologize

And an 8:00 p.m. Curfew for the entire academy!

And apologize to that poor, dead woman.

And attack weaknesses in your character.

And begged you to come back, I don't care.

And believe me, I will get you back.

And besides mental and physical abuse, sir,

And besides, Otis is not a pet.

And besides, winning seems to make you so happy.

And can make him smoke a whole carton.

And constantly watching him...

And Dewey, I'll try to make this easy for you to understand.

And Disneyland.

And don't let Malcolm out of your sight.

And don't think I can't smell those Gut Busters coming out of your pores.

And don't touch the microphones.

And even if she does, I'll just tell her

And everyone in school responded.

And everything works out for the best.

And free car washes for a year... Just sign.

And gracefully, I'd like to be noted.

And he came from nothing, just like you boys.

And hereby offer my full apology.

And hide it.

And I already feel

And I brought the cocktails.

And I didn't have a quarter anyway.

And I dropped a frying pan on my foot

And I got a big black toe.

And I guess you kids really didn't do any major harm...

And I haven't even started reading it.

And I hid it under Mom's pillow.

And I knew you'd give it away.

And I understand how tempting a place like that can be.

And I want to go to the concert with Julie!

And I want to take

And I will get on it.

And I work the state fair.

And I, uh, see, I fully intend to pay for...

And I... I...

And I'll get out of the funeral.

And I'm bored out of my mind.

And I'm not doing it again.

And I'm really sorry for that

And I'm totally getting one of these for Christmas.

And I've been nothing but pleasant.

And I've been very good lately.

And if gifted kids are supposed to square dance, then you'll do it.

And if they love each other and take the proper precautions, they'll have sex.

And in the meantime

And it isn't the kind of thing that could be solved...

And it smells like wet dog.

And it's actually kind of good.

And it's our job to make sure that future comes crashing down on them...

And it's our job to make sure that future comes crashing down on them...

And keep on walking.

And l I think that Malcolm may be ditching because he's afraid that...

And leave a mark for Mom to see?

And let him dock your pay 150 bucks

And lying is one of them.

And making his life more miserable than it already is.

And Mom's not here to yell at us.

And my wife has the flu...

And no one will do anything

And no one's... excluded.

And none of it means anything to any of you people

And now I have to figure out a secret way to answer her

And now I just can't find him anywhere.

And now she's probably going to invite someone else.

And pay a little visit to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.

And pay a little visit to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.

And point and bump, and point and bump...

And point and bump, and then we glide.

And Reese hit me because he said

And remember, don't hurt my brothers.

And return all the elements in your body back to the soil.

And right now

And say every last one of these terrible things...

And see which one comes out alive.

And sexy...

And she's all yours.

And she's going to reveal herself

And she's the one who sent me here.

And shove it in that deep fat fryer full of lard.

And sit down?

And slept with the district manager's wife.

And stand at attention for three hours

And stay home from school.

And tell me you don't want this car.

And tell them I won't be coming in.

And tell your mother to feel better.

And that was during pledge drive, man.

And the drinking and the fighting...

And the one time I ask you for something...

And the police came.

And the robot's translational displacement

And then just ran off.

And then there were ants on her bones

And then you actually

And then, I was playing with my imaginary friend

And then...

And they put you on the embalmer's table

And they wouldn't bother making it "forbidden"

And to make sure of that, if you don't win

And turn everyone else into slaves.

And turn everyone else into slaves.

And twisted it toward his own mad ends

And until you focus, Francis

And wait for Mom to top our last punishment.

And we are darn well going to do it.

And we can't make it look like we're doing it on purpose.

And we'll see if that satisfies you.

And we're definitely not going to school.

And we're not distracted by any kind of social life.

And what the hell do you need a "Q' for anyway?

And when I'm not?

And when is it due?

And when Satan tempts us, what do we do?

And when you made chipped beef on toast last week

And why don't you just put the remote down?

And with God's help, we can say "no!" to weakness.

And yesterday, she had our cable turned off.

And yet even he understands the importance of obedience.

And you are going to give me

And you don't hear me complaining.

And you don't understand why

And you have to work the graveyard shift

And you just have to trust that there's a good reason for it.

And you like fighting me every step of the way!

And you must be Porthos.

And you still managed not to do your homework?

And you wake up at the last second.

And you want to know something?

And you'd, you know, torture us all for it.

And you're making no progress with Wendy.

And you're not here so...

And you're twisting it into your guilt trip.

And your mother's heart all in the same afternoon.

And, ooh, Jordan almonds.

And, uh, by the looks of today's turnout

And, well, I folded.

And, well, you're completely obsessed with your mother.

And... I was thinking I should come for a visit, you know, like today.

And... lamb chutney.

Announcer: ...And Rusty Malcolm...

Announcer: And there they go.

Another cashier job with flexible hours

Another hour.

Another time, then.

Any second now her face is going to split open

Anyone else die in the last

Anyone else here would sell you down the river in a second.

Anyone for doubles?

Anyone want the last olive?

Anything that's nice, I can't do.

Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

Anyway, this week...

Anyways... thanks.

Apologize and accept the consequences.

Apparently my shoulder muscles are asymmetrical

Apple or g****?

Are going to go down to work

Are mixed with the God knows what.

Are revenge, payback, envelope.

Are you aborigines?!

Are you going to be in there all day?

Are you happy you crippled your mother?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you okay?

Are you sure you're not embarrassed

Are you sure you're ready for that? I mean really ready?

Are you?

Are... are you sure you're really...

Arms and legs crossed at all times!

Arms up.

As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've

As long as we're on the same page.

As soon as I get home, I'm gonna marry her.

As the storm raged overhead,

Ask louder.

At approximately 1700 hours...

At every funeral we go to.

At least I didn't raise a thief.

At least then I can fight back.

At least they're no good at it.

At school? It's the only break I get.

At the battle arena.

At the water slide park from work.

Ate the frog.

Athos, Aramis...

Aunt Helen died?

Aunt Helen is personally bad mouthing me to God.

Aunt Helen used to say

Aunt Helen.

Aw, I'm so gutless.

Aw, man, I still play with that.

Aw, Mom, a dead suit?

Aw, nothing that wasn't obvious already.

Aw, Stanley.

Aw, that's just the jitters.

B E A G G R E S S l V E!

B E A G G R E S S l V E!

B E aggressive!

Back to the grind.

Be aggressive!

Be strong.

Be thankful for small favors.

Beats me.

Beautiful girls with self esteem issues.

Beautiful yet deadly.

Beautiful, huh?

Because anything

Because I also think it's wrong to blab this kind of thing.

Because I was first choice for your job and I turned it down.

Because I'm going to stash this with Aunt Helen.

Because I'm hopped up on goofballs.

Because I'm not feeling very well

Because I've given up

Because if you give the letter to Mom

Because she'll be so mad at you

Because that's like admitting he's right.

Because they make me loopy.

Because you always do.

Because you do everything half assed.

Because you're our big brother and you wouldn't do

Because you're treating me like a baby!

Because, through some fluke, I was lucky enough to get her.

Been grounded in the first place.

Bees shot out with the precision of a laser.

Bees shot out with the precision of a laser.

Before you leave, you go in there

Before you say anything

Before you say anything, Malcolm

Before you start talking.

Between the motorcycle

Between the rotary actuator

Big mouth shut until after the funeral.

Bingo! We got it!

Block, chop, they're on the ground gasping for air. It's over with.

Bon appétit.

Bon soir.

Boring, goring, zoring, loring, doring, noring, foring.

Boy, has it been two days already?

Boy, it's stuffy in here

Boys, I'm going to share something with you...

Boys, they're called Gut Busters.

Boys, this talk is very important,

Boys, your mother's mobile.

Boys!

Boys!

Bring it on, Homeo.

Build a robot in the house?

But at least some part of me can stay connected...

But at least some part of me can stay connected...

But before I do, I want to talk to you.

But don't you worry, Officer Karl.

But finally

But for me, this was special.

But had no intention of doing, you did but didn't mean to?

But he didn't steal it: He returned it.

But honestly, I just find it exhausting.

But I do know what it requires.

But I don't have time right now.

But I don't want you to buy me for me. It's for your own good.

But I have a plan... I want you to take the letter

But I hope that we can make all this

But I know you kids like that in line stuff.

But I need you to hit me.

But I really like her

But I want you boys to understand something

But I would have played with the carpet cleaner

But I'm not going to kick her when she's down.

But I've been planning this for years.

But if she did see the letter

But if you think you're ready, my advice is to get it over with quickly.

But in life being good doesn't always get you the things that you want.

But it doesn't make any sense.

But it will make your mom happy.

But it's just this.

But let me just show you what you can accomplish if you stick with it.

But let's not make eye contact for a couple weeks.

But like I said, it was just an accident. I swear.

But Mom...

But no one ever said life is fair.

But not too loud...

But now my brain is filled with mom guilt.

But now that we're going to the funeral

But Reese is...

But she can't prove it without this.

But she was gone...

But she won't notice

But she's probably just mixed up, right?

But since you seem to be motivated more by losing

But sir, these guys are going to kick my ass if I win

But Spangler insisted I play a real game.

But that's a just a lame excuse.

But the annoyances are starting to outweigh the guilt.

But the gist of it is, we got to tear up the house.

But the point is, you can have your old job back!

But then she'll know you can forge her signature.

But then, the pool gods can be fickle

But this is getting out of control.

But this is like... words

But this is off the charts.

But this is perfect!

But this is something I believe in.

But today's the end

But wait till I put on the big blade

But we can make him think we're giving her the letter.

But we do have something in common.

But we do need to find a way to get past this. Agreed?

But we had to go have children instead?

But what can I do to put you in that car today?

But what if I try my best and I still lose?

But when Malcolm didn't show up for school today...

But when one does get through, it's a doozy

But why?

But you can just see for yourself.

But you could have made that shot.

But you don't commit to anything, son.

But you don't have to be that way with me.

But you have to fight the crowds for everything.

But you have to keep going at each other like rabid monkeys!

But you're the only one that knows how to use

But you've got a lot to learn about boys.

But you've really thrown yourself

But, Hal...

But, hampered by a lack of depth perception...

But, luckily... you're not a grown up yet!

But, um, luckily I was here to put it out.

But..

But...

But...

But...

Butterfly!

Butts.

Buzz, zap!

By this change in your attitude.

By threatening you with a killer robot.

Bye.

Call...

Calling here 'cause she always made your mom cry.

Can afford to have their vacations ruined.

Can I get my phone back?

Can I have some milk?

Can I have some milk?

Can I offer you some cookie dough?

Can I play video games?

Can I watch TV?

Can we go get sodas?

Can you buy me a Herbie, please?

Can you explain that, Francis?

Can you imagine the man

Can you move your hand a little to the left?

Can you name one thing in your life that you don't blame on your mother?

Can you think of anything that rhymes with cadaver?

Can you undo my hooks?

Can you... do both?

Can't we at least do a load of laundry or something?

Can't we just talk?

Can't you give your mother and me five minutes of peace?

Can't.

Canteen, knife, survival blanket.

Car!

Caroline, I don't want to...

Caroline: Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm, so private, so guarded.

Carry on.

Cats ate her face.

Cats ate her face.

Cats ate her face. Dewey knows more about it than I do.

Certain questions arise.

Charles Dickens

Check the peephole.

Circus will eat a wet dog food sandwich.

Circus!

Clean.

Closer, sweetheart.

Clyde, Kevin!

Come down.

Come down.

Come in, cadet.

Come on, already, think of something!

Come on, come on, do it for Mama.

Come on, come on.

Come on, dig in before they harden.

Come on, get him!

Come on, go!

Come on, guys, let's be reasonable.

Come on, Malcolm.

Come on, my dad's in the backyard.

Come on, Reese, I really have to go!

Come on, Rusty!

Come on, sir. Just say it.

Come on, this is the lamest thing I've...

Come on, you're just letting me win, aren't you?

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come, Death. And welcome."

Coming home?

Commandant on the floor.

Continue.

Cool

Cool. A dead suit.

Correction... killer butterfly.

Could I ask one favor?

Couple of days of observation...

Craig, what are you doing here?

Craig.

Craig...

Crying wolf?

Cut it out. Cut it out.

Dad got us free tickets

Dad had a tattoo?

Dad, cut it out!

Dad, don't move.

Dad, it's street hockey, not clown school.

Dad, listen...

Dad, no, I can't come home!

Dad, please.

Dad, that was unbelievable.

Dad, what are you doing?

Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?

Dad, will you please finish teaching me how to skate?

Dad, you have to stop it!

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad?

Dad.

Dad... I want skating lessons.

Dad's skating trophy

Daddy?

Daddy's getting a cramp in his leg.

Damn

Damn it! He hid the letter.

Damn.

Dang, I thought I'd at least get a few minutes in before he busted me.

Dare you.

Darn it.

Darn it.

Darn it.

Dear Malcolm, this isn't just food.

Dewey, get me some iced tea.

Dewey, have you forgotten me? I thought we were friends.

Dewey, I think you're confused.

Dewey, stay with us.

Dewey, we discussed this.

Dewey, what am I going to do with you?

Dewey, why don't you help

Dewey, your mother and I want to talk to you

Dewey: I did. He keeps coming back.

Dewey: I hate my brothers.

Dewey: I hate my brothers.

Dewey: Present?

Dewey?

Dewey...

Dewey...

Did Grandpa really punch Jimmy Carter in the face?

Did he say Greg?

Did he shoot her?

Did they have to drain the pool?

Did you call that girl?

Did you ever hear of such a thing? They say it's genetic.

Did you listen to anything Spangler said?

Did you read that article in People about him getting a divorce?

Did you really give my red blanket to the poor kids?

Did you say something?

Did you see Dewey outside?

Did you take this, sir?

Didn't work out.

Didn't you just hear me? I said no.

Didn't you understand?

Discipline

Dismissed.

Do it now!

Do not bend your legs.

Do not raise your head.

Do this... the hard...

Do we all want

Do we at least get to see any flaming wrecks?

Do we do any of those things?

Do what together?

Do you have anything stronger?

Do you have some business with my son?

Do you hear what I am saying, Francis?

Do you know how expensive this was?

Do you know what we're going to do to you if you win?

Do you know what your problem is, cadet?

Do you really think me

Do you think he told Mom?

Do you think we're wealthy?

Do you think we're wealthy?!

Do you want 'em divided up fairly or not?

Do you want to end up like Francis... or Uncle Pete?

Do you want to play something?

Do your ears work?

Do your lowers.

Do... something.

Does a lot of solo work.

Does this look anything like a "Q'?

Don't be such a baby.

Don't be such a baby.

Don't forget to mail these bills.

Don't get cocky

Don't pressure the boy, Hal.

Don't touch the candy, the price tags

Don't touch the register.

Don't worry about it. No one's home.

Don't worry, here it is

Don't worry, son.

Don't you dare!

Don't you dare!

Don't you even care how humiliating this is?

Done at that funeral because we're not going.

Done.

Done.

Dr. Reese paid her a little visit.

Drink your milk.

Drive fancy cars.

Drowning boy! Drowning boy!

Dude, hard core.

Dude, your mom rocks.

Dudes, come on!

Duncle

E pluribus unum.

Easy. Let's start with the obvious runners up.

Edwin Spangler.

Eew! What is that?

Egg! Come on!

Egg! Cut it out!

Egg?

Eight ball, corner pocket.

Enjoy the ride.

Enjoy the sun and wait for them to take me home

Enjoy yourself.

Especially since you're stuck with the extra ticket.

Even if we manage to keep mom fooled

Even marrying Mom?

Even though I had nothing to do with it.

Ever since I can remember

Every single one of them.

Every time anybody denies a lie, they're called defensive.

Every time I breathe in, I almost pass out from the pain.

Every time I turn around, I hear someone

Every time she gets mad

Everybody hates me.

Everyone did. Horrible woman.

Everyone else in the world gets to.

Everyone in the world gets to do everything except me!

Everything I have stinks.

Everything I said before still goes.

Everything I want, I can't have!

Ew!

Ew! No. This is better.

Exactly which methods would those be?

Exactly!

Exactly.

Except for things she's mad at.

Except this time, we're just trying to keep the house.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

Excuse me.

Excuse us, please.

Face.

Fair enough.

Fair warning.

Familiarity breeds contempt, cadet.

Feel free to thank the cadet after I leave

Fight harder, Wildcats!

Fight harder, Wildcats! Help us out! Fight!

Fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight!

Finally something cool about being smart.

Fine

Fine

Fine!

Fine!

Fine.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine. I take it back. Your mother was a saint.

Fine. Just so you know, when I'm done in the garage

Firecrackers

First it bloats up like a balloon

First of all, this is all circumstantial.

First off, they're able to think maybe three minutes into the future...

First, we sort by the number of holes

Five minutes I should know about?

Fooling around with some ideas.

For 230 consecutive days.

For a couple months.

For a couple of them.

For about four or five days, so we have to prioritize.

For all I know, there's a new wrestling champion

For any other reason

For as long as I can remember

For being so helpful.

For crying out loud.

For eight hours

For every senseless act of self destruction.

For instance, I think it's wrong

For not going in to work today.

For some reason.

For sports.

For that high voltage probe.

For the competition.

For the evil banshee she really is

For the rest of this semester.

For the sake of my manhood, today I'm ditching school.

For the third time, green.

For the work farm in Arizona?

For this family.

For what?

For you

For you to catch up on your homework.

For you to put your name on sales reports

Forget it.

Four hours?!

Fourth and fifth.

Francis has it: So does Uncle Pete.

Francis is dead to us now!

Francis ratted on us to Mom!

Francis told me

Francis, I let you blow off a lot of things around here...

Francis, I'm sorry. I really have to go.

Francis, it's very important that you understand

Francis, please lift up your right foot.

Francis, where have you been?

Francis, will you help me decide on my leg extensions?

Francis, you can't win.

Francis: Oh, isn't he beautiful?

Francis: Okay, listen up:

Francis: Ow!

Francis..

Free thought.

From now on, no one has to do anything.

From Southern Alabama State.

Fudge! It seems I've scratched again.

Game.

Gay rodeo's in town.

Gentlemen, start your excitement, because here they come!

Get a glass!

Get a glass.

Get dumped on for no good reason.

Get it before Mom wakes.

Get laughed at and fight with Reese.

Get some collateral damage

Get to it!

Get to the car!

Get your dad a beer.

Get your jacket, we're going back to the store

Get... skates.

Gets their ass kicked.

Getting beaten into a coma by a good boy cheerleader.

Girl: Okay, set in a row.

Girlfriend!

Girls like green apples, right?

Give him some air, guys.

Give him some air. Back up.

Glibness. What a surprise.

Go ahead, do it

Go ahead.

Go check the mail.

Go get your own juice.

Go on.

Go on. Yeah. Go ask them.

Go ride the horsy out front.

Go, Malcolm!

Go, Wildcats, go, go.

Go, Wildcats, go, go.

Go, Wildcats, go, go.

Go, Wildcats, go.

Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go... to... the neighbor.

God knows we enjoy it, sir.

God, I am so much better than you.

God, she is magnificent.

God, why can't he be like his brothers?

Goochy, goochy, goochy, goo.

Goochy, goochy...