Black Mirror - Season 1 Edit

A man prepared to do it and an FX company that

A man!

A man.

A new the area we're getting lots of play in ...

A re do of the side of his fridge, something like that.

A select few. It seems some idiot at the studio

A soon to be unemployed/unemployable lawyer.

A story about fucking?

A woman's life is at stake!

Absolutely, sir.

According to those stipulations.

Actress, Downton Abbey, knows the princess.

Advance! Advance! Advance!

Agent Callett, this is Mr Flynn.

Ah! Mr Callett. Noel, from Blue Eye.

Airport, please.

AKA, Rod Senseless.

Alert the local team. Full squad. I'll man it.

Algorithm.

ALL GASP

ALL GROAN

All right, about six months.

All right, night.

All right, now, you thought the carpet was bad, have a look at this.

All right.

Also, "sometimes".

Am I Jodie's father?

And a short piece on the historical symbolism of the pig.

And actually he wasn't completely hideous,

And big ones.

And everyone!

And Gina agrees.

And has a princess.

And how am I looking at you now, Liam?

And I didn't even know you back then, so...

And I don't like him, not like that, not now.

And I guess we forgot, but now we've remembered, so...

And I just want you to know that this isn't a witch hunt for the deadwood.

And I suddenly realised that the less the relationship means

And I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of, like,

And I'm downstairs watching some redo

And I'm downstairs watching some redo of some night

And I'm fucking pulling myself off. I mean, seriously?

And I'm fucking pulling myself off. I'm just saying.

And I'm sat downstairs watching redos of, like, some hot times

And if they don't find her?

And Jeff.

And Jonas...

And morally?

And MSNBC, Al Jazeera, NHK...

And satellite,

And the closest I can get is a postcode.

And the longer it goes on, the more you're, "Oh, yeah, we loved it!",

And then I arrived and... you clam.

And then just kind of, liked it.

And then previous boyfriends come up.

And we are.

And what is it?

And when he protected me from those arseholes,

And you know what, I think he probably did fancy me

And you're going to select it all and you're going to wipe it!

And your office could be at the centre for ...

Answer this.

Anyone would say, "That's not funny."

Anyway, we also know it was uploaded at 3:16 AM.

Appraisal.

Are they? Shit!

Are you embarrassed by that?

Are you getting this?

Are you?

Armed police!

Armed police! Lay down on the floor! Lay down on the floor!

At midnight.

BABY'S TOYS TINKLE

Be rude not to give her a kiss beforehand.

Because, I mean, God knows you need something to fucking talk about!

BEEPING

BEEPING STOPS

Before the 4PM deadline... '

Before we started up the Kings.

Before you proceed.

Bit of a dick?

BLEEP

Bloody hell, I thought you were supposed to be cool, man.

Board's been prised away. That's where they got in.

Bobby sues Mum and Dad for insufficient attention

Boo!

Brief mention of the ransom being "a sex act". Nothing too gross.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Brown or green?

But also, cream floats.

But her finger?

But I have to ask you this ... they're not going to hit anything

But it's been on for nearly an hour.

But it's not "England expects".

But it's on side?

But moments later, you're so stiff.

But on the plus of that, I don't remember it that clearly.

But we've got the babysitter inside, so...

But what... ? Who... ?

But you dated him for a month?

But you had security on her?

But you never mentioned Jonas.

But you're still pally.

But...

BUZZER

CAMERA CLICKS

Can you map a head onto a body live?

Can you open the gate?

Can't happen.

Can't think about coverage now!

Captor, outrage at the whole thing, but not at you.

CAR DOOR OPENS

CAR STOPS

CHEERING

CHEERING

Cinematic movement.

Circling for an orifice.

Closed set.

Colleen works in Grain development.

Colleen works in Grain development.

Come here a second. I just want your opinion.

Come in. Thank you.

Come on, Danny!

Come on, guys.

Come on, that's a tick.

Come on!

Commissioner. Thank you.

Considered it necessary.

Continue reconnaissance and await instructions,

CONTINUES RINGING

Cos I want to see it.

Cos it's embarrassing.

Cos we didn't have any here. We were trying.

Cos when you told me about Mr Marrakech, it was a week.

Could I have a word?

Could you just rewind me your last 24 hours for me, please?

Courier dropped it off.

D'you speak to that Jonas much?

Damon, public reaction. Meera,

Dan, all graphics run past me. Keep it functional... no Peppa Pigs.

Deadline's at four. We need to know if it's workable by two.

Demands...

Depends if your camera's moving.

Did you guys have a row or something like that?

Did you use a condom or not?

Did you use a condom?

Do you sometimes start in here and then finish in there?

Do you think I'd be here if they had?

Do you want me to bounce this off your fucking head?

Does it matter?

Does that look like Marrakesh?

Don't do that.

Don't do that. Come on now!

Don't know.

Don't run it, Martin.

Don't. I'm begging you.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOORBELL RINGS

DROPS PHONE

DROPS PHONE

Dude, it's really nice to meet you.

Early in relationships.

Early in relationships.

Easy!

Easy.

Easy.

Either you wipe it or I will fucking gouge you myself.

Enjoy your flight, Mr Foxwell.

Er, see you later, Fi.

Er, Susannah.

Er, yeah.

Er... OK, thanks, Fi.

Even watching, some sonic tone that causes nausea.

Every poll indicates understanding, disgust with the

Everyone will see it. The world will see it.

Everyone's laughing at us.

Everyone's seen the video. They know the details.

Everyone's through there, so I'll be in in a minute, OK?

Everyone's working towards this.

Everything prepared?

Exactly that.

EXCITED VOICES

Facebook's coverage is pretty comprehensive!

Fancy a quick one down the pub?

Fi, I need to see it!

Fi.

FILM REWINDING

Finesse quickly. Our performer's on his way.

Focus on the visuals. Different face mapped onto a live performer.

For a little bit of filth now and then, surely?

For clarity.

For five days, Liam.

For fuck's sake, man! Just saying.

For goodness' sake, you need to grow a sense of humour.

For like ten minutes.

For more than questioning, I hope.

For now.

Frayed carpet, there, you see?

Fringes of possibility...

Fuck Ofcom!

Fuck off, Julian!

Fuck off.

Fuck the Party!

Fuck the public!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fucking hell!

FUCKING HELL!

Fucking hell. Liam.

Full of joie de vivre, isn't he?

Gemma was a nutcase...

GENTLE MUSIC

Get Alex to stall them.

Get down!

Get down!

Get down!

Get into trouble.

Get out of there. Come on!

Get some good stuff for the scrapbook?

Get someone to shoot that first.

Getting bothered by paedophile babysitters they never had.

Getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.

GIGGLING FROM TV SCREEN

Go on, chuck it on the screen, don't be shy!

Go on, sit down. It's not a bear trap, it's a chair.

Go on.

Go to work!

Good news, Michael.

Good outcome. Bad outcome.

Good to meet you, man.

Good.

Goon squad's heading for postcode in Buckinghamshire.

Got to get back, rescue Jodie from the paedophile baby sitter.

Great, and back that up for me times 64 for the week.

Great, OK, Liam, this has been really great.

Green?

GROANS AND GIGGLING CONTINUE

GROANS FROM SCREEN

GROANS/LAUGHTER

GUN CLICKS

GUN CLICKS

Guys, no, come on, seriously, that's not cool,

Hang on.

Have a cool time.

Have you got a crew with you?

He fucks you, gets footage for his redo wank file,

HE GASPS

He had little creepy beady eyes and he was always...

He had some.

He knew everyone would be elsewhere

He looks forward to seeing you again, that's good.

He probably sits there and tosses himself

He was never a boyfriend, he was always a weird week.

He's a bit of a knob, ain't he?

He's an old fling. So what? Don't go all fucked up!

He's doing it!

He's got to do it.

He's one of the old crowd.

HEAVY BREATHING FROM SCREEN

Heavy sedative, close range, each with a single puncture wound.

Helen doesn't have a Grain!

Helen, Jonas

Hello, police, I'm witnessing a serious assault at five...

Hello, stinky!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Her car was intercepted shortly after midnight,

HER GIGGLING PLAYS OVER THE MEMORY

Here I go.

Hey, hey!

Hey, there's just, you know, use anything. There's T shirts and...

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Seriously, man, it's not cool you just walking in like this.

Hi.

Hi... Hi again.

HIGH PITCHED TONE

Hot times in earlier relationships!

How do we describe it? "An indecent act"?

How long did you go out with him for?

How many people?

How'd it go?

How's Her Majesty taking it?

However it's done, I don't care. We stop this now.

However, the incident failed to destroy a Prime Minister,

HP84TD, a college or something. They should be there by now.

I always liked that picture, didn't you?

I believe it's huge with hookers.

I believed it worth considering.

I can not laugh

I can't...

I considered it necessary...

I couldn't do it.

I deleted it.

I did, I told you I hooked up with someone in Marrakech.

I didn't mean that.

I didn't say anything.

I don't blame you. I would have.

I don't know, a re do...

I don't know, a redo of the side of his fridge.

I don't know, yeah?

I don't know.

I don't really want to get involved.

I don't want to see our first time right now.

I don't want you worrying.

I downplayed it. I fudged it, it was...

I guarantee you... utterly destroyed.

I had a back up plan.

I have the bed made up in my office.

I have to find it.

I haven't met him before, have I? Jonas, is it?

I just think we just really fancied each other and that was what it was.

I just want to come in for a bit, dude.

I know people.

I know you do.

I like him.

I liked him then.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I made him.

I mean Liam's obviously uncomfortable,

I mean, because more people are...

I mean, no offence!

I mean, now, right? Like, going Grainless?

I mean, still, by the end, I'd be like, "Go on, honey, you go up,"

I mean, three days, that's admirable, but four days?

I mean, we all scroll through the Grain

I mean, you must have been gagging.

I need to see it, Fi.

I need to see it, Fi.

I never liked it. Thought it was pretentious shit.

I pay good money to have perfect details.

I ran a nationwide traceback on uninterrupted one way uploads

I tell you what you're going to do.

I think I said.

I think it's an interesting choice, going grainless.

I think you should go.

I thought it was untraceable.

I thought Mr Marrakech was some sort of super cool...

I thought you were meant to be fucking brilliant.

I want you to leave

I wanted it to go away, I wiped the whole thing.

I was just wondering because you found it funny, but it isn't,

I was so upset.

I won't have to do anything.

I work in recruitment, so it might be quite useful for you.

I'd find myself watching redos of really hot times

I'd find myself watching redos of really hot times

I'd like you to erase that.

I'd say bullshit.

I'll be right down.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm advising for. They go in now. They go in now.

I'm doing it.

I'm exploring contingency plans.

I'm friendly when I drink. Very friendly when I'm grateful.

I'm fucking joking again, Jonas!

I'm joking, Jonas.

I'm just getting Gina's opinion on something.

I'm just happier now.

I'm just saying, there's a beautiful woman upstairs,

I'm not being funny, right, but look at that.

I'm not stupid.

I'm not.

I'm pretty trad... bish, bash, bosh. In, out.

I'm so sorry, he's really hungover.

I'm so sorry, I can't say anything else.

I'm sorry, but I...

I'm sorry, but, Christ, are you not embarrassed?

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sorry, Fi, I know I go a bit weird and wonky sometimes.

I'm sorry, Michael. It's out of your hands.

I'm sorry, Michael...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now!

I'm Susannah

I'm the difference. He's the greatest guy in the world

I've got a back up plan, so...

I've made arrangements for the broadcast.

I've mentioned this to everyone about their appraisals,

I've picked up somebody else and...

I've, er, been cooking a lot since the break up.

If he kills her, there's no blood on your hands. Bottom line.

If it's terrorists, they'll take her head off.

If she isn't, he'll kill her and upload the video.

If there are hacks sniffing around, shut them down, bright, red, D Notice.

If this doesn't work...

If Walker's team fuck up, I'm not saying they will, but if they do,

If we mention bestiality Ofcom would be pissed off.

If you really don't want to come, you can get rid of him.

If you rush, it might be misinterpreted as eagerness

In a few minutes,

In his car.

In his pocket?

In shopping malls they never visited,

In the last two minutes

In their heads, that's what you're doing, what my husband is doing.

INDECIPHERABLE GIBBERISH

Injection. It's docile.

Interesting.

Is it him?

Is it still not on the telly?

Is litigation in retrospective parenting cases.

Is she all right?

Is that a Marrakeshian lamp?

Is that for real?

Is that funny, in your opinion?

Is that Marrakesh?

Is that you should take as long as you need.

Is there a dressing room I can use?

Is this joke, right?

Is this where you masturbate to images of my wife?

It came from somewhere in there.

It concerns you directly, sir.

It could be fun, we could, um...

It has to.

It is much more of a...

It may be a sportsman like gesture but we are making it.

It seems he let her go 30 minutes before it happened.

It shouldn't have happened.

It was a stupid thing...

It was good to meet you, man.

It was just a little thing

It was obvious I didn't want him to come, I was being polite to a moron.

It was obvious I didn't want him to come.

It was over quicker than I thought.

It was uploaded via an encrypted IP an hour ago.

It was years ago and...

It was years ago!

It was years ago.

It was...

It was... Christ, you know how it is when you first get with someone

It wasn't a collective "you". It was a singular "you", ie me.

It won't come to that.

It'll be a criminal of fence to store any recording or images of the event

It's a brave choice

It's a brave choice.

It's a decoy.

It's a kick bollock scramble, but with finessing it should be OK.

It's a new one for me, obviously. I wouldn't normally... You know.

It's already happening in their heads.

It's already outside it.

It's always better when it turns out to be true.

It's been empty since.

It's been too long, too long.

It's cool.

It's history, this.

It's just a silly game.

It's just a skeleton crew inside.

It's like 9/11's happening and

It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally

It's midnight.

It's my house! You can't..

It's nor...

It's not going to happen.

It's not Islamist. To request a pig is specifically abhorrent.

It's not like Dogme 95.

It's not Marrakesh.

It's not playing well.

It's not...

It's nothing, but...

It's on CNN and Fox.

It's on the list.

It's phoney.

It's probably the start of the swastika, they were such pricks!

It's real.

It's sedated?

It's still on there, is it?

It's the Queen herself.

It's time to go in now.

It's trending on Twitter.

It's why I bought it for you.

Jack, call the police. Take it!

Jack, call the police. Take it!

Jane, please.

Jane.

Jane.

Jeff and Fi...

Jesus, was that painful?

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jesus! Poor bastard!

Jonas has had a tough one.

Jonas is Mr Marrakesh?!

Jonas was just explaining why relationships are a sham.

Jonas, King Dormouse Dick of Marrakech did your head in!

Jonas, this is a nice place!

Jonas, this is...

Jonas, why don't you come back to ours for a nightcap, if you want?

Jonas.

Julian's advising against...

Just by asking leading questions in therapy.

Just do what he says.

Just not trustworthy.

Just not trustworthy.

Just not trustworthy. When it comes to little things.

Just one other thing.

Just play it.

Just say.

Just tell me what's happened.

Keep it so far from the press it's on the other side of Jupiter.

Ken, the internet aspect, new paradigm, Twitter, Arab spring, all that.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Know how to plug this in?

LANDLINE RINGS

Lars von Trier.

Latest I sat image on this area?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Leading to lack of confidence, leading to damages against earnings.

Let me get you a cab. My dad's on his way.

Let me guess, he'd spent his time oozing round the girls,

Let's get you a drink. Um, beer OK?

Let's have a look.

Liam Foxwell, welcome.

Liam from last night.

Liam, do I have to call Fi?

Liam, what happened?

Liam, whatever you think...

Liam, yes.

Liam!

Liam?

Liam's redoing his appraisal so we can give him marks.

Like dogme 95.

Like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper

Like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper.

List of rules, specifies camera angles and things.

Listen, coverage is very sympathetic.

Listen, Gina, it's a 40 minute wait for a cab, but if you want,

Live on television

Look at what?

Look, Liam, it's morning, mate.

Look, really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

Looks like a campus.

Looks like it had lights on.

Lose that page of the report.

Lovely, thank you.

Lucy ... Liam, we met at the Dublin wedding.

Lynn, come and meet Liam, he's, um...

Ma'am?

MACHINE GUN FIRE

Mad old days.

Make love?

Malaika, update the princess obit VT.

Malaika?

MAN SIGHS

Man?

Maybe

Me and Jonas, years ago, had a bit of a thing.

Meanwhile, the demand has been made.

MI5 have got a name.

Mm hm. First, an awkward phone call. Least I can do is warn Tom.

Mm hmm.

Mm.

MOANING FROM SCREEN

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Morning.

MOSAIC PLAYS A LULLABY

Move!

Mr Foxwell.

Multiply nothing by shit all! UKN are dead for us!

MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY

My guess...

My timeline consists of 100% viewers asking

Need to prep two statements

Nice one, nice one.

Nice one.

Night, Gina.

Night, guys.

No call, no nothing.

No channel for negotiation.

No more pissing around.

No one else has broken rank.

No one sees it, especially the PM.

No shit!

No sign of struggle.

No visual trickery in his original demand, didn't he?

No way. It's a piss take, man. Look at it!

No, I didn't.

No, I mean, just...

No, it was...

No, it's fine, next week's fine.

No, it's fine, really.

No, it's just that we, I mean, we thought, right, Fi?

No, it's just that, actually, it turns out we're tired

No, no, everything's well within... parameters.

No, no, I was gouged about 12 months ago.

No, no, it's OK. Sure, I...

No, no, no, that's brilliant, sometimes you're a bitch

No, no, not really.

No, no.

No! No deleting it, not now.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. We put a type five D notice out and they're complying.

Noel won an Emmy by his effects work on that HBO moon Western thing.

Not any princess... the princess.

Not everything that isn't true is a lie, Liam.

Not for him.

Not hers. DNA shows it's male.

Not him.

Not me.

Not on your eye, in there.

Not really.

Not the Beeb, not Sky, not...

Nothing has been going on.

Nothing is going to happen.

Nothing. Must be a hoax.

Now backup

Now I've got that shitty carpet for the rest of my life.

Now, delete it all. The lot!

Now, how you look at me.

Now, ignore the joke. Who's more keen for him to come back?

Now, is that funny?

Of course I still want that drink.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course...

Of precisely 57.3 meg in the minutes leading up to 3:16,

Of some night I've picked up somebody else.

Off all over his cashmere blanket.

Off the top of your head, who wants him to come back more?

Offering backrubs.

Oh, come on...

Oh, cool, well, we vote the back up.

Oh, God! I can't watch this! He's got to do what they want.

Oh, God! This planet!

Oh, great.

Oh, it must be such a drag, Jonas, putting it about!

Oh, it's cool, no worries.

Oh, it's ready.

Oh, sorry, hello.

Oh, thanks, Jonas!

Oh, that's right, yes, hi, Liam.

Oh, this did Jonas come round to read you a story?

Oh, well she's like that.

Oh, well, I was ready to do a big redo right now, but...

Oh, you know, in our house.

Oh!

Oh! For... Fucking internet!

Oh. But good?

Oh...

OK, cool.

OK, great, this has been really great, Liam,

OK, I was going to play some redos from the Fraser O days.

OK, Liam, look,

OK, little speech time.

OK, look.

OK, no, I get it.

OK, Sarah, cover the snatch itself.

OK, thank you.

OK, thank you.

OK, well, bye.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. Yeah.

On there!

One word, I swear I will fucking... !

Only if you keep looking at it, mate.

Only natural light, for authenticity.

Or a black out. Oh! Heads up!

Or even enjoyment.

Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.

Or that of your family.

Our embeds have ruled out the major players. It's not AQ, not IRA.

Outside in the truck.

Page one, that's not happening.

Pah!

Palace on the phone, sir.

Pause it.

People who've threatened yourself or the royals.

PHONE BEEPING

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Please!

Please.

Press office, OK, Tom?

Pressure group, dragged to a waiting van... '

Prime Minister, at this point, I think it's important to say

Princess bloody Facebook bloody eco conscious national sweetheart.

Princess Susannah.

Princess Susannah.

Princess Susannah's been kidnapped!

Probably to some millionaire Chinese perve.

Pulling himself off to his own relationship theories.

Putting personal embarrassment over the life of a girl.

QUIETLY TALKING AND LAUGHING

Really, you start obsessing about these tiny little details

Really?! Yeah.

Recognised our designated performer,

RECORDED VOICE: 'Live...

Redo, we can appraise the appraisal.

Refuse, and I've been advised

Release the Jihadi?

Rescue operation?

Retrospective...

Returning from the wedding of a college friend.

REWOUND VOICES

Rifling through our greatest hits

Right, and we're OK, the firm's OK with that, ethically?

Right, OK.

Right. Confident?

Rule sheet specifies a single hand held camera in a constant roving motion.

Rules for a director... no background music,

Run, Malaika! Run!

Same as these, so they can't cheat, cut another guy's arse pumping away.

Save the fucking libraries?

Scrap Third World debt?

Sea Of Tranquillity.

Sedated. She can't remember anything, but she's unharmed.

See how you look at him.

See?

Serial monogamist.

Seriously?

Sex with a pig.

She said pig.

She'd insisted on going.

She's already been speaking to her for ten minutes.

She's not, no.

She's upstairs, you know, waiting to have sex with me

Shh, you're about to talk.

Shit sinks.

Shit, it's quite late, time's gone on.

Should we, er... ?

Shove it up your arse you fucking...

Show it to me! I want to see! I want to see what he looks like!

Show it to me.

Show me on there.

Show me that, then.

Show me, then.

SIGHS

Simon, set tone with Standards and Practices.

Sir, we may have something. Jamie's been tracing the video's origin.

SIREN BLARES

Sit down, please.

Sit down.

SLURPING

SNUFFLING/SLURPING

So he was a bigger thing than I made out and, yeah, he's sort of a dick.

So if we invite you to stay with the firm in the new environment,

So in another life I don't know, but nothing happened!

So it's a statement.

So let's just drop it, yeah?

So not a week or a month. Six months.

So there's just a blank gap in your timeline?

So we focus on finding Susannah. We get her back.

So you fucked him after four days?

So, a weird week or a month?

So, everybody, this is Helen.

So, how long did you go out with him for?

So, how was the appraisal?

So, is that new info?

So, just to get this clear.

So, Liam, what was it you had, an assessment?

So, team red...

So, they saw the lot!

So, when someone asks you, "Did you have a good time?",

So, who took it then?

So, yeah...

Sober up. Make yourself puke.

Somebody know something.

Sorry!

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sort of? He's a massive...

Specifications for the broadcast.

Spread? How many people have seen this?

Stage name.

Stay away from my house!

Stay down! Don't move!

Steer them away from the grisly details.

Still getting this?

Stolen to order, as far as they could tell,

Stop it!

Strong undercurrent of sympathy.

Stuff from last night, depressing and fun.

Stumbling about in the city.

Sun runs with "Taken". Big grab of Susannah...

Super fucking Godzilla injunction with ten inch Whitehall fangs!

Sure?

Sure.

Surely we're going to do something.

Susannah?

TAPE REWINDING

TAPE REWINDING

TAPE WINDING

Technically, yes, so I thought, "Work with what we do now"

Telegraph has the whole video and an interactive timeline. Tonally stark.

Tell me you look at me nice like you look at him. You can't.

Tell you what, let's have a look.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Thank you so much for inviting us this evening.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That could be a V or an L.

That is just objectively not funny.

That is totally backwards.

That just fit together really fucking well.

That looks expensive. Is that expensive?

That this is, indeed,

That video, before Youtube compression it was 57.3 meg.

That was a nice night, used to be.

That was fucking embarrassing.

That we are 100% certain

That we cannot guarantee your physical safety.

That won't be possible.

That!

That's a joke.

That's cool.

That's great.

That's heroic.

That's hilarious!

That's how it opens, then we should move on...

That's just a...

That's nice.

That's not what it looks like.

That's OK.

That's what I said.

That's what this was all about, making a point.

The ever inflating romance.

The Guardian are running a fucking live blog

The less the relationship means, the more you spend on the wedding.

The mood will border on insurrection and you will be destroyed,

The more you spend on the wedding, you know!

The news rooms have got it.

The Obit VT?

The point is, it wasn't a big deal.

The polling bears that out.

The problem is the more that you pay

The public anticipates non compliance.

The public, the Palace and the Party insist on compliance.

The royal angle, upcoming marriage, etc.

The suggestion we're getting from psychologists

The thing is, after I was gouged I didn't have one for a few days

The video ends with a series of technical

The voluntary D Notice!

The world's bloody broken.

The world's pretty much your oyster, isn't it?

Then give me something.

Then why invite him over?

Then you'd be wrong.

Then you're a stupid bitch.

There goes your RTS Award.

There he is!

There is one other thing. There's a CCTV grab of her from half three.

There must be something.

There won't be any invoicing.

There'll be a clue. Some evidence.

There'll be squawks from the usuals,

There's a scar on here.

There's a youtube of it!

There's no comment at this time

There's no major deletions this quarter?

There's no need to be nice, the man's a prick.

There's no play book.

There's not long to formulate our response.

There's nothing there, Mike.

They can't see her.

They got in, yeah?

They must have bounced the upload from here with a proxy. I'm sorry.

They need time...

They released her?

They want him to do it with a pig.

They want me to have sex with a pig?

They will not release her anyway. She's probably already dead.

They'll be asking for a million quid or something.

They're being pulled in as we speak.

They're doing an announcement to warn people off

They're like going to the theatre, OK?

They're looking right at her!

They're running this on air?

They're surrounding the place now.

This afternoon.

This came for you, left at reception.

This is a bottle, right?

This is a five star suite.

This is just stupid!

This is sad!

This is virgin territory, Prime Minister.

This is what's left... radicals, hate groups.

This isn't me! Look what you're doing to me!

This only exists in this room.

This video came from YouTube.

Thought this was coming from IB7.

Throw it up there and we can grade you.

Time to eat!

To be honest with you, it's a little bit weird.

To divise...

To freak us out, are they?

To the public, this would be one man of questionable popularity

To the public...

Tom, so you're across it...

TONE CONTINUES

Total agony.

Totally, yeah.

Treasure hunt for the gold?

Truro? Jesus!

Truro.

TV OFF

Tweeted a photo and the online hivemind did the maths.

Twinkle tits from?

Two PPOs, still unconscious.

Uh huh.

UKN. It's Malaika something or other. She's from UKN.

UKN. It's Malaika something or other. She's from UKN.

Um...

Unless I'm mistaken, our mystery man specified

UNZIPS/CLOTHES RUSTLE

Used to run the parties down the Fraser Road with Paul and me.

VIDEO STOPPED

VOICE FADES

VOICES AT HIGH SPEED

VOICES FADE

VOMITS

Vote!

Waiting to discover where the princess

Was he a big part of the gang?

Was he always that oily or...

Was it bad?

Was it his decision, or did you make him wear one?

Was that a political thing?

Watching screens.

We are convinced both the video and the demand it contains are genuine.

We are honouring the D Notice

We both want him to come back, but who wants him to come back more?

We can't. There's no e mail address, no code word.

We did after nine minutes, long enough for it to be duplicated and spread.

We didn't know ... well, she didn't know if you would make it.

We follow the procedure.

We got him. We got him.

We had all this with Dan, I don't want you going like that again.

We love humiliation.

We need to explain this without viewers sicking up their Weetabix.

We need...

We put a D Notice on it.

We really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

We really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

We take down one, six clones pop up elsewhere.

We trimmed the edges so it's coming direct.

We went for a drink, I got drunk.

We were just two tools in the tool shed

We'll get through this.

We're broadcasting sandwich recipes.

We're checking with embedded operatives, compiling a list of suspects.

We're complying with the stipulated rules.

We're getting to the good bit.

We're just talking!

We're not a chat room!

We're not out of time!

We're not out of time.

We're observing the D Notice.

We've all got our skeletons, how about you and Gemma?

We've been squeezing hard, but nothing concrete.

We've done all we can.

We've got her. Susannah.

We've got statements for either outcome.

We've placed visual aids in your eyeline, which might help if you...

We've ratified the law... after midnight,

Well, actually, what time is it?

Well, get it off there!

Well, have we established a dialogue with this... ?

Well, I think it's an interesting choice, going Grainless

Well, I'm not fucking a pig!

Well, I'm pretty boring. One man is a time.

Well, it was a disaster, but you know, I don't know.

Well, it was big enough to do your head in.

Well, my sight held on fine, so...

Well, that's a pity.

Well, they said they'd let me do a redo sometime next week, so...

Well...

Well...

What are you doing? Keep it going.

What demand?

What did you do, Alex?

What do I put on the invoice? That's what I'm wondering.

What do they want? Money?

What do you want?

What do you want?

What happened?

What now? What's the play book?

What Susannah says next...

What the fuck is this?

What we'd have you do is pull an exhaustive redo

What would you say if I said I was near where Susannah's being held?

What, I told you about Gemma.

What, I'm fucked up, am I?

What, right now?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? Acting like he was interested?

What's been going on?

What's Dogme 95?

What's going on?

What's happened?

What's this?

Whatever you're queuing up, stop it.

Whatever, I don't care. Just sort this out

When all the Dan stuff was going on and you'd walked out.

When are Walker's team hitting the college?

Where did you go?

Where the fuck is Jack?

Where?

Where's Fi been hiding you?

Where's my co star?

Where's my obit VT?

Where's the place?

Who knew about this?

Who? Jonas?

Whoever this is, is insane.

Why am I on trial here?

Why are you doing this?

Why this is on the news?

Why we're not covering it. How do I reply?

Why?

Why?

WINDING TAPE

With half the population you can implant false memories,

With half the population you can implant false memories,

With helmet cam relay. We can watch the operation.

With personnel, maybe... next week.

With some hot girl that I just picked up in some place

With who?

With your interest at heart.

With, er... anyone.

Would paint your head onto his shoulders.

Would they use a female pig?

Would you say you loved her, though?

Wow, it's early. It's early to call it a night.

Yeah, and none of it was encrypted, so...

Yeah, bye.

Yeah, can I, er...?

Yeah, erm, we were in the middle of planning is all

Yeah, figures.

Yeah, Gonzo style. He knows his shit. That's tough.

Yeah, great.

Yeah, I didn't stay over and I caught an early flight back, so...

Yeah, I just want to come in and talk to you.

Yeah, I will do.

Yeah, I've reduced the luminance...

Yeah, nice, Geoff. She's upstairs waiting to have sex with me

Yeah, no brain damage, clearly!

Yeah, OK.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Yeah, thanks, I'll show myself out.

Yeah, that feels quite nice.

Yeah, that feels quite nice. (THEY CHUCKLE)

Yeah, well...

Yeah, yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, piss off, Jonas.

Yeah, you remember me and Geoff, because he would have shown you

Yeah, you remember meeting Jeff, because he'd have shown you,

Yeah! I brought enough for others to share.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Closed 2010.

Yeah. Don't put yourself in any danger.

Yeah. Just stay safe, Malaika. Be careful!

Yeah. Well...

Yeah. Yeah.

Yep.

Yes, he fucking has!

Yes, he has to do it.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, of course.

Yes, seriously!

Yes, yes, I see that.

Yes!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. No. Not everyone. A dedicated core team. This can't go wide.

You actually start obsessing over the tiniest little details,

You actually thought that would work?

You also need to wear this... on your head.

You are in my doorway touching my door handle!

You both say, "Yeah! Yeah, it was great."

You can make people remember getting lost

You can't hide it. Not completely.

You can't just edit off the word, "sometimes"!

You do know, Gina.

You don't know how to stand around him.

You don't know that.

You don't.

You had a thing with oily dude man?

You have to show it to me, Fi.

You invited him!

You know Geoff?

You know half the organic memories you have a junk,

You know how much help you're getting hereon in?

You know what it's like early on.

You know when you suspect something,

You know, "We love being together and never fucking anyone else"

You know, half the organic memories you have are junk.

You know, waiting to have sex with me.

You know, we were just, I don't know,

You lied.

You may have noticed a bit of an atmosphere because...

You need to get into this.

You pay loads to go and ultimately you are wasting your entire night,

You press? Yes.

You rescued mannequin.

You saved her. Susannah's alive and well.

You scared the shit out of me!

You see that?

You seen any of my films?

You slept with oily dude man?

You wanted me to invite him.

You were laughing at everything he said

You won't find better.

You won't just be a disgraced politician,

You'll have to keep going...

You'll have to see it through to the end.

You're back early, then, I didn't think you'd make it.

You're getting obsessed.

You're going to get every bit of Fion you've got in there

You're lying!

You're probably still going out with him.

You've met Lucy, my wife, at the Dublin wedding?

You've never patronised me. Don't start now.

Your gauges are all over the place, hot and cold.

Your wife's being very mean to me tonight.

Zoom in there.

3 AM flyover shot from last night...

15 minutes.

18 months ago in this room.

20 past three. We're out of time.

50,000. That's our current estimate.

'Hey, it's good to see you. 'Good to see you, too.

'What are you doing? 'What are you doing?

'Who's that?' It's Liam.

And you know Jeff? Yes.

And you saw him put it on? Yes.

Come on, mate. All right, now, what are you doing?

Come on. Um...

Cos if he was... This is just sad!

Did you have fun with the old gang? Yeah.

Did you? Yeah.

Great to see you again. Yeah, you too.

Hard to gauge? Yeah

He's uptight, isn't he? OK, Liam.

Hello. Hello.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

How's Jody? At home, Gina's babysitting.

I don't know. You do.

I love you, you know? I know.

I think Liam would probably... Yes, do you know what...

It's a lovely room, this. Thank you.

It's a tick! Or the start of the swastika.

Jesus! Get out! Stand up, Jonas, come on!

Later? Later.

Liam ... Jonas.

Liam! Am I?

Mike... ! Don't!

Morning. Gina, over here.

No? No

Notes. Pointers, you know.

Oh, wow! Wow!

Oi oi, Rod! Oi oi!

Or do you do it in that room? OK, Liam, I want you to leave now.

Paul? Yeah?

Show it to me! No!

Show it to me. No.

Sit down. No, I'm all right.

Spot the difference. You're drunk.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Why are you lying? What?

You all right for a drink? I'm fine, thank you, Jonas.

You all right? Good, thank you.

You know, if you're not in the mood, we can go. No, no, I'm fine.

You OK? Yeah, yeah.

You sure about that? Yes!

' Christ, what have you done?

'... across the nation.

'..An unprecedented nature.'

'..And have full unsimulated sexual intercourse with a pig.'

'..Appears to be heading west to Bankside Studios.'

'..Carlton Bloom's controversial exhibition

'..I will be executed.

'..in a toolshed that just fit together really fucking well,

'..in the hope that it will ensure the release of Princess Susannah.

'..my life depends on you.

'..only five hours away,

'..This viewer video shows officers raiding an address in Bradford.

'..this, sort of, headfuck that I met in Marrakech.'

'..When public opinion has very much hardened,

'..Which contained a statement

'"I'm just going to catch a little bit more of the news,"

'(LAUGHS) No, it was like dormouse.'

'(LAUGHS) Yeah.'

'(LAUGHS)'

'(SCREAMS)'

'(SOBBING) I don't understand!'

'(SOBS)

'(SOBS)

'A few hours ago, public opinion was behind Prime Minister Callow,

'A man thought to be connected with a religious

'A new form of terrorism...

'A video uploaded anonymously to the Internet

'accusing Downing Street of attempting to break the rules

'All health and personal accident insurance is... '

'All viewers are advised to turn off their televisions immediately.

'an apparently unconcerned Michael Callow put in an assured performance

'an apparently unconcerned Michael Callow put in an assured performance

'and a severed finger, thought to belong to Princess Susannah,

'and have full unsimulated sexual intercourse with a pig.

'And I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of hot times

'and the delivery of the princess's finger, the mood is shifting.

'and then I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of hot times

'and you're good to go.

'and... No!

'Any orders, boss?'

'apparently showing the kidnapper removing it from the princess.

'appears to depict the princess pleading for her life.

'As police round up potential suspects... '

'As the 4pm deadline approaches, the nation is at a stand still

'As the 4pm deadline draws nearer, the world holds its breath... '

'As the anniversary arrived, one art critic caused controversy

'As we see the Prime Minister's car travelling across London... '

'At 4pm this afternoon,

'at a public appearance, accompanied by his wife Jane.

'at a public appearance, accompanied by his wife Jane.

'at last night's Children Of Valour Awards.

'Because memory is for living.'

'Big deal, big heart breaker?'

'breathe...

'but still by the end I'd be like, "Go, on, you go to bed, honey,

'But why don't you come back to ours, for a nightcap if you want?'

'by 4pm this afternoon, I will be...

'by describing it as "the first great artwork of the 21st century".

'Bye bye.

'cannot find, held by one you will not trace.

'Carlton Bloom,

'closes three weeks ahead of schedule... '

'coerced the Prime Minister into committing an indecent act.

'Damon Brown, UKN.'

'Damon Brown... '

'Do fancy a quick one down the pub?'

'Duchess of Beaumont.

'Easy!'

'Easy.'

'following the delivery of the princess's severed finger.

'Fuck off.

'Full spectrum memory.

'Grain assistant suggests you may not be in a suitable

'Green warning.

'has been delivered to UKN, along with a video

'has been kidnapped.

'he should fulfil the bizarre and illegal request.

'He's just got to do it.

'Hello, police, I'm witnessing a serious assault at... '

'Hurry up.

'I am in a place you... er...

'I briefed Callett.'

'I can't think of anything remotely like this.

'I couldn't bear to watch that.

'I don't have a brain chip to show you.'

'I don't think anyone should concede to any humiliation under threat.

'I don't understand!'

'I gave you rules. 'I said no cheating.

'I love my wife.'

'I trust this will bring about the safe return of Princess Susannah.'

'I was nervous when I heard you were going to be here.

'I went away and had a little thing that did my head in for a while

'I won't be tuning in. Just thinking about it is horrible.

'I...

'I'll tell you what you're going to do.

'I'm doing it.'

'I'm imagining a chillum and a big knob.'

'I've got a beautiful woman upstairs waiting to have sex with me.

'If he doesn't get her released, he's finished, isn't he?

'If we all do it more, there'll be less waste lying around... '

'If you do not do precisely as instructed by, um...

'in earlier relationships.

'in earlier relationships.'

'In store ingrain procedure with local anaesthetic

'In the wake of these images,

'involving the Prime Minister, and a detailed list of instructions

'Isn't this precisely what whoever is behind this is looking for?'

'It is disgusting but... after that, he's gonna be hero.

'It was a weird week.'

'it was an event in which we all participated.

'It was one year ago that the Turner Prize winning artist,

'It will be hilarious to see that on TV.

'It'll be humiliating, but nothing compared to her suffering.

'It's a day like no other.

'It's been confirmed that Susannah, Duchess of Beaumont

'It's gone global, Tom.'

'It's weird, isn't it?'

'Jesus! Get out, you fucking prick.

'Joining us is actress Lydia... '

'Just to remind you, this is now a story of global significance... '

'Let's not dwell on any of the details.

'Let's take you live to the scene in central London.

'Liam. Is Fi with you?'

'Lip read reconstruction enabled.

'Look, I'm sorry. I can't help you.'

'Love you, love you.'

'Malaika, make sure they can't... '

'May God forgive me.'

'Mr Marrakech?'

'No, it was just a week.

'Nothing too abnormal for MPs.

'now believe the demand should be met.

'Now, delete it all. The lot!

'Now, delete it all. The lot!

'of a daily cup of coffee, and three decades of backup for free.

'Oh, we've got to get back,

'Oh!

'OK, great, Liam, this has been, this has been really great, erm...

'OK.

'OK.

'On all British networks, terrestrial and satellite,

'on all networks, terrestrial and satellite,

'On the one year anniversary of his humiliating ordeal,

'On this screen?

'Online polls suggest that 86% of voters

'Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.

'Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.'

'People will look at him like he's insane and take his position away.

'physical condition for the activity you appear to be engaged in.

'Please don't kill me.'

'Please.'

'Popularly known as Princess Susannah.

'Prime Minister Michael Callow must appear on live British television

'Prime Minister Michael Callow...

'Princess Susannah made her first public appearance

'Recording or possessing a copy of this broadcast will become illegal

'relating to the enactment of this demand.

'rescue Jodie from the paedophile babysitter!

'Select it all... '

'since announcing her pregnancy.

'smell.

'Social networking sites are a... buzz with 10,000 Tweets per minute.

'Some major breaking news here on UKN.

'Some more breaking news,

'Sorry, Liam, mate, is there something that you want?'

'Sorry!'

'Target identified.'

'Tell you what... '

'That is correct.

'That's disgusting. It is disgusting.

'That's the point! Make love to a pig!'

'The broadcast will commence after the following tone.'

'The kidnap video has been watched by over 18 million people.

'the nation is voicing its opinion.

'The other central figure in events was also before the camera

'The other central figure in events was also before the camera

'the Prime Minister will perform an indecent act on your screens.

'The video also contains a bizarre ransom demand of a personal nature

'There is only one demand, and it is a simple one.

'They're all sexual deviants, all MPs and Prime Ministers.'

'This grim development comes just hours

'This is already a huge national talking point.

'This is an official announcement.

'time is running out for the Prime Minister... '

'To override, continue at your own risk.

'UKN News has passed all material to Scotland Yard... '

'UKN's Damon Brown analyses the public reaction to the crisis.'

'watching the extraordinary situation play out.

'We can get another Prime Minister. We can't live without a princess.

'we really hope to look forward to seeing you again.'

'We really hope to look forward to seeing you again.'

'What about you?'

'What's the alternative?

'While cultural commentators debate its significance,

'While we wait for Downing Street to respond,

'who holds an approval rating three points higher than last year.

'Wipe it!

'with a global audience of 1.3 billion,

'With hours to go, time is running out for the security services.

'with only 28% of the public believing

'With the 4pm deadline three hours away,

'With the appearance of finger...

'with this, sort of...

'Wow, it's only, it's early to call it a night.'

'Yeah.'

'Yes. All right.

'You can get a willow grain upgrade for less than the price

'You're a bitch!'

'You're a bitch!'

'You're going to get every bit of Fion... '

"and only just having one other person"

"Fruition to be transmitted in full"?

"Ha ha, Mike! Ho ho."

"Her"?

"Hey, come on, guys,"

"Hopes" to look forward.

"I trust you'll do everything in your power to get her back."

"I'm just going to watch a little bit more of the news"

"in what was a matter of life or death."

"it's really not cool to redo another man's appraisals, dudes."

"Michael Callow has displayed incredible bravery"

"to share our real thoughts with for our entire lives, yeah, it's great!"

(ALL) Hi! Help yourself.

(ALL) Yay!

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah, sure. I'll let you in.

(CRYING) 'Prime Minister Michael Callow my life...

(DISTORTED MALE VOICE) 'Read the statement.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Yeah, time does that.

(Lucy, Dublin.)

(MOANING)

(ON TV) 'Don't kill me.

(SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY)

(SOBS)

(THEY LAUGH)

(THEY LAUGH)

(WOMAN) Oh, no!