Black Mirror - Season 1 Edit

A man prepared to do it and an FX company that

A man!

A man.

A new the area we're getting lots of play in ...

A re do of the side of his fridge, something like that.

A select few. It seems some idiot at the studio

A soon to be unemployed/unemployable lawyer.

A story about fucking?

A woman's life is at stake!

Absolutely, sir.

According to those stipulations.

Actress, Downton Abbey, knows the princess.

Advance! Advance! Advance!

Agent Callett, this is Mr Flynn.

Ah! Mr Callett. Noel, from Blue Eye.

Airport, please.

AKA, Rod Senseless.

Alert the local team. Full squad. I'll man it.

Algorithm.

ALL GASP

ALL GROAN

All right, about six months.

All right, night.

All right, now, you thought the carpet was bad, have a look at this.

All right.

Also, "sometimes".

Am I Jodie's father?

And a short piece on the historical symbolism of the pig.

And actually he wasn't completely hideous,

And big ones.

And everyone!

And Gina agrees.

And has a princess.

And how am I looking at you now, Liam?

And I didn't even know you back then, so...

And I don't like him, not like that, not now.

And I guess we forgot, but now we've remembered, so...

And I just want you to know that this isn't a witch hunt for the deadwood.

And I suddenly realised that the less the relationship means

And I'd find myself, you know, watching redos of, like,

And I'm downstairs watching some redo

And I'm downstairs watching some redo of some night

And I'm fucking pulling myself off. I mean, seriously?

And I'm fucking pulling myself off. I'm just saying.

And I'm sat downstairs watching redos of, like, some hot times

And if they don't find her?

And Jeff.

And Jonas...

And morally?

And MSNBC, Al Jazeera, NHK...

And satellite,

And the closest I can get is a postcode.

And the longer it goes on, the more you're, "Oh, yeah, we loved it!",

And then I arrived and... you clam.

And then just kind of, liked it.

And then previous boyfriends come up.

And we are.

And what is it?

And when he protected me from those arseholes,

And you know what, I think he probably did fancy me

And you're going to select it all and you're going to wipe it!

And your office could be at the centre for ...

Answer this.

Anyone would say, "That's not funny."

Anyway, we also know it was uploaded at 3:16 AM.

Appraisal.

Are they? Shit!

Are you embarrassed by that?

Are you getting this?

Are you?

Armed police!

Armed police! Lay down on the floor! Lay down on the floor!

At midnight.

BABY'S TOYS TINKLE

Be rude not to give her a kiss beforehand.

Because, I mean, God knows you need something to fucking talk about!

BEEPING

BEEPING STOPS

Before the 4PM deadline... '

Before we started up the Kings.

Before you proceed.

Bit of a dick?

BLEEP

Bloody hell, I thought you were supposed to be cool, man.

Board's been prised away. That's where they got in.

Bobby sues Mum and Dad for insufficient attention

Boo!

Brief mention of the ransom being "a sex act". Nothing too gross.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

Brown or green?

But also, cream floats.

But her finger?

But I have to ask you this ... they're not going to hit anything

But it's been on for nearly an hour.

But it's not "England expects".

But it's on side?

But moments later, you're so stiff.

But on the plus of that, I don't remember it that clearly.

But we've got the babysitter inside, so...

But what... ? Who... ?

But you dated him for a month?

But you had security on her?

But you never mentioned Jonas.

But you're still pally.

But...

BUZZER

CAMERA CLICKS

Can you map a head onto a body live?

Can you open the gate?

Can't happen.

Can't think about coverage now!

Captor, outrage at the whole thing, but not at you.

CAR DOOR OPENS

CAR STOPS

CHEERING

CHEERING

Cinematic movement.

Circling for an orifice.

Closed set.

Colleen works in Grain development.

Colleen works in Grain development.

Come here a second. I just want your opinion.

Come in. Thank you.

Come on, Danny!

Come on, guys.

Come on, that's a tick.

Come on!

Commissioner. Thank you.

Considered it necessary.

Continue reconnaissance and await instructions,

CONTINUES RINGING

Cos I want to see it.

Cos it's embarrassing.

Cos we didn't have any here. We were trying.

Cos when you told me about Mr Marrakech, it was a week.

Could I have a word?

Could you just rewind me your last 24 hours for me, please?

Courier dropped it off.

D'you speak to that Jonas much?

Damon, public reaction. Meera,

Dan, all graphics run past me. Keep it functional... no Peppa Pigs.

Deadline's at four. We need to know if it's workable by two.

Demands...

Depends if your camera's moving.

Did you guys have a row or something like that?

Did you use a condom or not?

Did you use a condom?

Do you sometimes start in here and then finish in there?

Do you think I'd be here if they had?

Do you want me to bounce this off your fucking head?

Does it matter?

Does that look like Marrakesh?

Don't do that.

Don't do that. Come on now!

Don't know.

Don't run it, Martin.

Don't. I'm begging you.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOOR OPENS

DOORBELL RINGS

DROPS PHONE

DROPS PHONE

Dude, it's really nice to meet you.

Early in relationships.

Early in relationships.

Easy!

Easy.

Easy.

Either you wipe it or I will fucking gouge you myself.

Enjoy your flight, Mr Foxwell.

Er, see you later, Fi.

Er, Susannah.

Er, yeah.

Er... OK, thanks, Fi.

Even watching, some sonic tone that causes nausea.

Every poll indicates understanding, disgust with the

Everyone will see it. The world will see it.

Everyone's laughing at us.

Everyone's seen the video. They know the details.

Everyone's through there, so I'll be in in a minute, OK?

Everyone's working towards this.

Everything prepared?

Exactly that.

EXCITED VOICES

Facebook's coverage is pretty comprehensive!

Fancy a quick one down the pub?

Fi, I need to see it!

Fi.

FILM REWINDING

Finesse quickly. Our performer's on his way.

Focus on the visuals. Different face mapped onto a live performer.

For a little bit of filth now and then, surely?

For clarity.

For five days, Liam.

For fuck's sake, man! Just saying.

For goodness' sake, you need to grow a sense of humour.

For like ten minutes.

For more than questioning, I hope.

For now.

Frayed carpet, there, you see?

Fringes of possibility...

Fuck Ofcom!

Fuck off, Julian!

Fuck off.

Fuck the Party!

Fuck the public!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fucking hell!

FUCKING HELL!

Fucking hell. Liam.

Full of joie de vivre, isn't he?

Gemma was a nutcase...

GENTLE MUSIC

Get Alex to stall them.

Get down!

Get down!

Get down!

Get into trouble.

Get out of there. Come on!

Get some good stuff for the scrapbook?

Get someone to shoot that first.

Getting bothered by paedophile babysitters they never had.

Getting my tongue in there and I'm digging out all the rotten shit.

GIGGLING FROM TV SCREEN

Go on, chuck it on the screen, don't be shy!

Go on, sit down. It's not a bear trap, it's a chair.

Go on.

Go to work!

Good news, Michael.

Good outcome. Bad outcome.

Good to meet you, man.

Good.

Goon squad's heading for postcode in Buckinghamshire.

Got to get back, rescue Jodie from the paedophile baby sitter.

Great, and back that up for me times 64 for the week.

Great, OK, Liam, this has been really great.

Green?

GROANS AND GIGGLING CONTINUE

GROANS FROM SCREEN

GROANS/LAUGHTER

GUN CLICKS

GUN CLICKS

Guys, no, come on, seriously, that's not cool,

Hang on.

Have a cool time.

Have you got a crew with you?

He fucks you, gets footage for his redo wank file,

HE GASPS

He had little creepy beady eyes and he was always...

He had some.

He knew everyone would be elsewhere

He looks forward to seeing you again, that's good.

He probably sits there and tosses himself

He was never a boyfriend, he was always a weird week.

He's a bit of a knob, ain't he?

He's an old fling. So what? Don't go all fucked up!

He's doing it!

He's got to do it.

He's one of the old crowd.

HEAVY BREATHING FROM SCREEN

Heavy sedative, close range, each with a single puncture wound.

Helen doesn't have a Grain!

Helen, Jonas

Hello, police, I'm witnessing a serious assault at five...

Hello, stinky!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Hello.

Her car was intercepted shortly after midnight,

HER GIGGLING PLAYS OVER THE MEMORY

Here I go.

Hey, hey!

Hey, there's just, you know, use anything. There's T shirts and...

Hey!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Seriously, man, it's not cool you just walking in like this.

Hi.

Hi... Hi again.

HIGH PITCHED TONE

Hot times in earlier relationships!

How do we describe it? "An indecent act"?

How long did you go out with him for?

How many people?

How'd it go?

How's Her Majesty taking it?

However it's done, I don't care. We stop this now.

However, the incident failed to destroy a Prime Minister,

HP84TD, a college or something. They should be there by now.

I always liked that picture, didn't you?

I believe it's huge with hookers.

I believed it worth considering.

I can not laugh

I can't...

I considered it necessary...

I couldn't do it.

I deleted it.

I did, I told you I hooked up with someone in Marrakech.

I didn't mean that.

I didn't say anything.

I don't blame you. I would have.

I don't know, a re do...

I don't know, a redo of the side of his fridge.

I don't know, yeah?

I don't know.

I don't really want to get involved.

I don't want to see our first time right now.

I don't want you worrying.

I downplayed it. I fudged it, it was...

I guarantee you... utterly destroyed.

I had a back up plan.

I have the bed made up in my office.

I have to find it.

I haven't met him before, have I? Jonas, is it?

I just think we just really fancied each other and that was what it was.

I just want to come in for a bit, dude.

I know people.

I know you do.

I like him.

I liked him then.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I made him.

I mean Liam's obviously uncomfortable,

I mean, because more people are...

I mean, no offence!

I mean, now, right? Like, going Grainless?

I mean, still, by the end, I'd be like, "Go on, honey, you go up,"

I mean, three days, that's admirable, but four days?

I mean, we all scroll through the Grain

I mean, you must have been gagging.

I need to see it, Fi.

I need to see it, Fi.

I never liked it. Thought it was pretentious shit.

I pay good money to have perfect details.

I ran a nationwide traceback on uninterrupted one way uploads

I tell you what you're going to do.

I think I said.

I think it's an interesting choice, going grainless.

I think you should go.

I thought it was untraceable.

I thought Mr Marrakech was some sort of super cool...

I thought you were meant to be fucking brilliant.

I want you to leave

I wanted it to go away, I wiped the whole thing.

I was just wondering because you found it funny, but it isn't,

I was so upset.

I won't have to do anything.

I work in recruitment, so it might be quite useful for you.

I'd find myself watching redos of really hot times

I'd find myself watching redos of really hot times

I'd like you to erase that.

I'd say bullshit.

I'll be right down.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm advising for. They go in now. They go in now.

I'm doing it.

I'm exploring contingency plans.

I'm friendly when I drink. Very friendly when I'm grateful.

I'm fucking joking again, Jonas!

I'm joking, Jonas.

I'm just getting Gina's opinion on something.

I'm just happier now.

I'm just saying, there's a beautiful woman upstairs,

I'm not being funny, right, but look at that.

I'm not stupid.

I'm not.

I'm pretty trad... bish, bash, bosh. In, out.

I'm so sorry, he's really hungover.

I'm so sorry, I can't say anything else.

I'm sorry, but I...

I'm sorry, but, Christ, are you not embarrassed?

I'm sorry, but...

I'm sorry, Fi, I know I go a bit weird and wonky sometimes.

I'm sorry, Michael. It's out of your hands.

I'm sorry, Michael...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my corn flakes right now.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now!

I'm Susannah

I'm the difference. He's the greatest guy in the world

I've got a back up plan, so...

I've made arrangements for the broadcast.

I've mentioned this to everyone about their appraisals,

I've picked up somebody else and...

I've, er, been cooking a lot since the break up.

If he kills her, there's no blood on your hands. Bottom line.

If it's terrorists, they'll take her head off.

If she isn't, he'll kill her and upload the video.

If there are hacks sniffing around, shut them down, bright, red, D Notice.

If this doesn't work...

If Walker's team fuck up, I'm not saying they will, but if they do,

If we mention bestiality Ofcom would be pissed off.

If you really don't want to come, you can get rid of him.

If you rush, it might be misinterpreted as eagerness

In a few minutes,

In his car.

In his pocket?

In shopping malls they never visited,

In the last two minutes

In their heads, that's what you're doing, what my husband is doing.

INDECIPHERABLE GIBBERISH

Injection. It's docile.

Interesting.

Is it him?

Is it still not on the telly?

Is litigation in retrospective parenting cases.

Is she all right?

Is that a Marrakeshian lamp?

Is that for real?

Is that funny, in your opinion?

Is that Marrakesh?

Is that you should take as long as you need.

Is there a dressing room I can use?

Is this joke, right?

Is this where you masturbate to images of my wife?

It came from somewhere in there.

It concerns you directly, sir.

It could be fun, we could, um...

It has to.

It is much more of a...

It may be a sportsman like gesture but we are making it.

It seems he let her go 30 minutes before it happened.

It shouldn't have happened.

It was a stupid thing...

It was good to meet you, man.

It was just a little thing

It was obvious I didn't want him to come, I was being polite to a moron.

It was obvious I didn't want him to come.

It was over quicker than I thought.

It was uploaded via an encrypted IP an hour ago.

It was years ago and...

It was years ago!

It was years ago.

It was...

It was... Christ, you know how it is when you first get with someone

It wasn't a collective "you". It was a singular "you", ie me.

It won't come to that.

It'll be a criminal of fence to store any recording or images of the event

It's a brave choice

It's a brave choice.

It's a decoy.

It's a kick bollock scramble, but with finessing it should be OK.

It's a new one for me, obviously. I wouldn't normally... You know.

It's already happening in their heads.

It's already outside it.

It's always better when it turns out to be true.

It's been empty since.

It's been too long, too long.

It's cool.

It's history, this.

It's just a silly game.

It's just a skeleton crew inside.

It's like 9/11's happening and

It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm just finally

It's midnight.

It's my house! You can't..

It's nor...

It's not going to happen.

It's not Islamist. To request a pig is specifically abhorrent.

It's not like Dogme 95.

It's not Marrakesh.

It's not playing well.

It's not...

It's nothing, but...

It's on CNN and Fox.

It's on the list.

It's phoney.

It's probably the start of the swastika, they were such pricks!

It's real.

It's sedated?

It's still on there, is it?

It's the Queen herself.

It's time to go in now.

It's trending on Twitter.

It's why I bought it for you.

Jack, call the police. Take it!

Jack, call the police. Take it!

Jane, please.

Jane.

Jane.

Jeff and Fi...

Jesus, was that painful?

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jesus!

Jesus! Poor bastard!

Jonas has had a tough one.

Jonas is Mr Marrakesh?!

Jonas was just explaining why relationships are a sham.

Jonas, King Dormouse Dick of Marrakech did your head in!

Jonas, this is a nice place!

Jonas, this is...

Jonas, why don't you come back to ours for a nightcap, if you want?

Jonas.

Julian's advising against...

Just by asking leading questions in therapy.

Just do what he says.

Just not trustworthy.

Just not trustworthy.

Just not trustworthy. When it comes to little things.

Just one other thing.

Just play it.

Just say.

Just tell me what's happened.

Keep it so far from the press it's on the other side of Jupiter.

Ken, the internet aspect, new paradigm, Twitter, Arab spring, all that.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Know how to plug this in?

LANDLINE RINGS

Lars von Trier.

Latest I sat image on this area?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Leading to lack of confidence, leading to damages against earnings.

Let me get you a cab. My dad's on his way.

Let me guess, he'd spent his time oozing round the girls,

Let's get you a drink. Um, beer OK?

Let's have a look.

Liam Foxwell, welcome.

Liam from last night.

Liam, do I have to call Fi?

Liam, what happened?

Liam, whatever you think...

Liam, yes.

Liam!

Liam?

Liam's redoing his appraisal so we can give him marks.

Like dogme 95.

Like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper

Like the thickness of the wedding invitation paper.

List of rules, specifies camera angles and things.

Listen, coverage is very sympathetic.

Listen, Gina, it's a 40 minute wait for a cab, but if you want,

Live on television

Look at what?

Look, Liam, it's morning, mate.

Look, really hope to... look forward to seeing you again.

Looks like a campus.

Looks like it had lights on.

Lose that page of the report.

Lovely, thank you.

Lucy ... Liam, we met at the Dublin wedding.

Lynn, come and meet Liam, he's, um...

Ma'am?

MACHINE GUN FIRE

Mad old days.

Make love?

Malaika, update the princess obit VT.

Malaika?

MAN SIGHS

Man?

Maybe

Me and Jonas, years ago, had a bit of a thing.

Meanwhile, the demand has been made.

MI5 have got a name.

Mm hm. First, an awkward phone call. Least I can do is warn Tom.

Mm hmm.

Mm.

MOANING FROM SCREEN

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Morning.

MOSAIC PLAYS A LULLABY

Move!

Mr Foxwell.

Multiply nothing by shit all! UKN are dead for us!

MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY

My guess...

My timeline consists of 100% viewers asking

Need to prep two statements

Nice one, nice one.

Nice one.

Night, Gina.

Night, guys.

No call, no nothing.

No channel for negotiation.

No more pissing around.

No one else has broken rank.

No one sees it, especially the PM.

No shit!

No sign of struggle.

No visual trickery in his original demand, didn't he?

No way. It's a piss take, man. Look at it!

No, I didn't.

No, I mean, just...

No, it was...

No, it's fine, next week's fine.

No, it's fine, really.

No, it's just that we, I mean, we thought, right, Fi?

No, it's just that, actually, it turns out we're tired

No, no, everything's well within... parameters.

No, no, I was gouged about 12 months ago.

No, no, it's OK. Sure, I...

No, no, no, that's brilliant, sometimes you're a bitch

No, no, not really.

No, no.

No! No deleting it, not now.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. We put a type five D notice out and they're complying.

Noel won an Emmy by his effects work on that HBO moon Western thing.

Not any princess... the princess.

Not everything that isn't true is a lie, Liam.

Not for him.

Not hers. DNA shows it's male.

Not him.

Not me.

Not on your eye, in there.

Not really.

Not the Beeb, not Sky, not...

Nothing has been going on.

Nothing is going to happen.

Nothing. Must be a hoax.

Now backup

Now I've got that shitty carpet for the rest of my life.

Now, delete it all. The lot!

Now, how you look at me.

Now, ignore the joke. Who's more keen for him to come back?

Now, is that funny?

Of course I still want that drink.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course...

Of precisely 57.3 meg in the minutes leading up to 3:16,

Of some night I've picked up somebody else.

Off all over his cashmere blanket.

Off the top of your head, who wants him to come back more?

Offering backrubs.

Oh, come on...

Oh, cool, well, we vote the back up.

Oh, God! I can't watch this! He's got to do what they want.

Oh, God! This planet!

Oh, great.

Oh, it must be such a drag, Jonas, putting it about!

Oh, it's cool, no worries.

Oh, it's ready.

Oh, sorry, hello.

Oh, thanks, Jonas!

Oh, that's right, yes, hi, Liam.

Oh, this did Jonas come round to read you a story?

Oh, well she's like that.

Oh, well, I was ready to do a big redo right now, but...

Oh, you know, in our house.

Oh!

Oh! For... Fucking internet!

Oh. But good?

Oh...

OK, cool.

OK, great, this has been really great, Liam,

OK, I was going to play some redos from the Fraser O days.

OK, Liam, look,

OK, little speech time.

OK, look.

OK, no, I get it.

OK, Sarah, cover the snatch itself.

OK, thank you.

OK, thank you.

OK, well, bye.

OK.

OK.

OK.

OK. Yeah.

On there!

One word, I swear I will fucking... !

Only if you keep looking at it, mate.

Only natural light, for authenticity.

Or a black out. Oh! Heads up!

Or even enjoyment.

Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.

Or that of your family.

Our embeds have ruled out the major players. It's not AQ, not IRA.

Outside in the truck.

Page one, that's not happening.

Pah!

Palace on the phone, sir.

Pause it.

People who've threatened yourself or the royals.

PHONE BEEPING

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE BEEPS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

Please!

Please.

Press office, OK, Tom?

Pressure group, dragged to a waiting van... '

Prime Minister, at this point, I think it's important to say

Princess bloody Facebook bloody eco conscious national sweetheart.

Princess Susannah.

Princess Susannah.

Princess Susannah's been kidnapped!

Probably to some millionaire Chinese perve.

Pulling himself off to his own relationship theories.

Putting personal embarrassment over the life of a girl.

QUIETLY TALKING AND LAUGHING

Really, you start obsessing about these tiny little details

Really?! Yeah.

Recognised our designated performer,

RECORDED VOICE: 'Live...

Redo, we can appraise the appraisal.

Refuse, and I've been advised

Release the Jihadi?

Rescue operation?

Retrospective...

Returning from the wedding of a college friend.

REWOUND VOICES

Rifling through our greatest hits

Right, and we're OK, the firm's OK with that, ethically?

Right, OK.

Right. Confident?

Rule sheet specifies a single hand held camera in a constant roving motion.

Rules for a director... no background music,

Run, Malaika! Run!

Same as these, so they can't cheat, cut another guy's arse pumping away.

Save the fucking libraries?

Scrap Third World debt?

Sea Of Tranquillity.

Sedated. She can't remember anything, but she's unharmed.

See how you look at him.

See?

Serial monogamist.

Seriously?

Sex with a pig.

She said pig.