Dwight Schrute Soundboard Edit

And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you.

Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Babies are one of my many areas of expertise growing up. I perform my own circumcision.

Blink once if you want me to pull the plug. Don't pull any plugs.

Buttlicker

Does the skin look red and swollen? That's what she said. That's my joke. Damn it, Dwight.

Dwight's Speech

First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire? None. You're picking a health care plan.

Hand desanitizer stations

Hello Mother

Hey, you know what's even cooler than Triceratops? Every other Dinosaur that ever existed.

I do not understand what you spend your money on

I love catching people in the act. That's why I always whip open doors.

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at main, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

I'm going wherever they value loyalty the most

I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my ***** up into itself.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim millions of families suffer every year.

If I could men straight, I wouldn't have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore and just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I'd be more in tune with the moon and the tides.

Look, I'm all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I'm getting paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else, the value that loyalty more highly. I'm going wherever they...

My horn can pierce the sky

Nothing stresses me out, so having to seek the approval of my inferiors.

Oh d

Oh D!

People say, Oh, it's dangerous to keep weapons in the home or the workplace. Well, I say it's better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, then by a stranger on purpose.

Security in this office Park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my Spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you i...

Some say the only failure there is is the failure to try and that is wrong. Failure of any kind is failure.

The eyes are the groin of the head

The office twins

There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague.

This is huge

Through concentration I can raise and lower my cholesterol it well. Why would you want to raise your cholesterol so I can lower it?

What are the diary they keep secrets from my computer?

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's in midnight? do I go for the vault? Now? I go for the chandelier. It's priceless as I'm taking it down, a woman catches me, she tells me to stop. It...

What is the most inspiring thing ever said to you? Don't be an idiot. Changed my life.

What is your middle name danger?

When I was in the 6th Grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. Anne I misspelled in front of the entire school. The word failure.

Whenever I'm about to do something I think would an idiot do that, and if they would, I do not do that thing.

White tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself. I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi, I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist because I am unable to pulverize my o...

You couldn't handle my undivided attention.

You know, I really would have appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would have introduced you to mine.