How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Edit

A boat? How would that even...?

A bunch of those people, you know, I haven't seen them since.

A daisy.

A Ford Escort, Ted. I did it on a car.

A gorilla!

A hot red burning On the side of your face

A hot red burning On the side of your face

A mountain of food, a ticking clock? Come on, you live for this stuff.

A really long day and a half.

A slap in the face.

A sugar pill.

A suit like that only needs one button: Self destruct.

A unicorn.

A willow tree, four women and a tiger? What are you talking about?

Aah!

Aah! No, I'm your friend. I'm helping you.

Absolutely.

Across the face, my friend

Actually, I was gonna get a little more than the butterfly.

Actually, right near the Slapping Tree.

Actually...

After all the times you guys made fun of me for my breakup butterfly tattoo?

After some trial and error, Dr. Stinsonheimer...

After that day, I have never liked that guy.

Again.

Agh!

Agh!

Agh! We're going again.

Agh. Pfft!

Ah, probably just state birds or some crap. Heh.

Ah, yes, Barney, there's something I need to tell you...

Ah! Ah.

Ah. A quick nip won't hurt.

Ah. Been waiting for the perfect time for this.

Ahoy, Marshall.

All of these vows are selfish and way too easy to keep.

All of this suit's memories are still ahead of it.

All right, I'll get the elevator.

All right, we got most of the ingredients on our list: Ginger, bananas, Funyuns.

All right. Goodbye.

All so she could have one last smoke on the train.

ALL: Ooh.

ALL: Ted, Ted, Ted. Yeah. Come on.

ALL: The archetype of the modern politician. Ha ha ha.

ALL: Whoa!

Also, I'm sorry, but I retired from teaching long ago.

An objectophiliac? No way.

And accuracy.

And after that fight, boy did she need one.

And as a kid, I was a bit of a detective, heh, so...

And as you can imagine, my friends promised me they'd never watch it.

And at the top...

And before you know it, just like magic, you realize...

And down south, it made mama look...

And everybody laughed and clapped

And everybody laughed and clapped

And how is that going for you these days?

And how is your father's health?

And I cannot carry you home in this dress.

And I didn't even know that there were elk in Bermuda.

And I ended up at that EZ Pick a few miles up the road. And, well...

And I just hate the thought of leaving you, Empy...

And I will not break that vow, as sure as I will always have a full head of hair.

And I'll race down to the spa to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi.

And if I were to walk into this powder room right now...

And if you think I would ever be part of screwing that up...

And in other results, a surprise comeback.

And in those moments, we all need someone who loves us to help us rally.

And it was legendary.

And it wouldn't be easy.

And it's funny.

And it's like, bro, Andre's been doing stuff right the whole movie.

And it's not.

And it's so cool when I go like this:

And nobody's happier about it than their kids.

And now on Monday, you're running away to Chicago.

And now to celebrate with that piece of chocolate cake I've been saving.

And now you're getting married.

And now you're getting married.

And remind me, how did you celebrate getting accepted into Columbia?

And Robin, since you don't seem to care, I think I'll be wearing this to the ceremony.

And she'll wedding out all over the place, I promise.

And some good came out of this, seeing you like that...

And sure enough...

And sure, you know, we were friends for years first...

And thanks for not telling Robin the list was mine.

And that doesn't have to make sense...

And that's it. Now, here's how the rest of us remember those two hours:

And that's when I found out why "no slapping until your training is complete"...

And that's when she realized...

And that's why, when she got to the hotel...

And the best part is, your dad has no idea.

And the prize was this guy.

And their security's a total joke.

And then I banged her.

And then she went to the powder room. She was in there quite a while.

And then three hours later...

And then try to slap that spot instead of some other spot.

And this is the receipt from the meal you and Barney ate...

And we're different people than we were in 2007, but that's okay.

And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR...

And when she came out, she had to leave right away. It was odd.

And when you do, you'll be so glad you did not get the other half of that butterfly.

And yes, over the years you got in some great slaps...

And you don't love me. You love Barney.

And you know every one of mine.

And you're gonna get your dream, because...

And, did you know that one time...

And, James, I'm sorry about you and Tom...

And, Lily, you were okay with Marshall having an affair?

And, oh, I'm terribly sorry about the door.

And, well...

Any time you see me without a drink in my hand...

Anyway, Marshall returned...

Anyway, the elixir was such a success...

Are Marvin, and I...

Are there any elk on Long Island?

Are we being crazy?

Are you gonna read all these?

Are you my guy, Linus?

Are you okay, Robin?

Are you Red Bird?

Are you sure?

Are your shoes made of lead?

As if they were written by the bard himself, Lionel Richie.

As my training continued...

As soon as he's done, he'll just pop right over.

As soon as I'm done, I'll pop on over.

As was cutting the arms off the shirts that weren't selling. That's where I belong.

At least it landed on the mustard stain.

At least there's no tiger.

At the end, you were best friends.

At the Farhampton Inn, we don't cook with grease.

At the very same church.

Aunt Muriel.

Aunt Muriel.

Aunt Muriel.

Aw, damn it.

Aw, you feed her like Sloth from Goonies. So the magic's still there.

Awesome. Can you teach me how to do that?

Awesome. Oh, man, I can't wait to slap Barney Stinson right across his stupid fa...

Baby, I can't wait to meet your mom, but I gotta go on a little excursion with the boys.

Baby, it's okay, you didn't mean to. He doesn't sleep.

Baby, let's be honest. At this point, that door is wide open.

Bacon, donuts, Halloween candy...

Bad like it happened Saturday.

Bad like this happened in the past year?

Barney does love us.

Barney found it. Ask him.

Barney had to wrestle it away from four baby pigeons.

Barney made up the Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir so we would all...

Barney still goes to the park every day to feed the babies. The end.

Barney wouldn't tell me how he found it, which made me realize it had to be you.

Barney, get out here. This is your wedding day.

Barney, I'm well aware that you've developed a resistance...

Barney, wait.

Barney, you were always a bit...

BARNEY: God, you're gorgeous.

BARNEY: I don't believe this.

BARNEY: Okay, enough.

BARNEY: President Franklin D. Roosevelt...

Barney?

Basically carrying your revenge and sangria soaked ass.

Be honest.

Be sure to check out the James A. Garfield monument.

Because Gary Blauman saw me in the tattoo parlor, dragged me out...

Because I just solved the mystery, that's why.

Because I love you.

Because I remember at our wedding, looking out and thinking:

Because I'm not that guy anymore.

Because if you get up there and speak from the heart...

Because it is nobody's business.

Because it's a secret. And I'm keeping it.

Because it's not just any bottle...

Because love is the best thing we do.

Because of Gary Blauman, everything that matters to me is gone.

Because of that, I shall remain forever...

Because of the tragedy, I never got to finish my training. I never learned accuracy.

Because one set of vows...

Because that's a good thing...

Because that's all your marriage has been.

Because you are the loudest upstairs neighbor in history.

Because you were sprinting from a church in a wedding dress.

Because you're giving me mine.

Because, uh, I was just watching The Princess Bride...

Before I give it to you, I just wanna make sure you're okay.

Beg your pardon, the fabled Slapping Tree of Gongqing Forest?

Behind the same church surrounded by the same wildflowers.

Belts.

Besides, Marshall and I are saving that Scotch...

BILLY: Good point. Wow. He's right.

Bitterman, get the car.

Blah.

Blauman will cool off. We'll see him again.

Blauman, comma, Gary?

Blauman. Blauman. I'm sorry. You can stay. Billy won't kick you in the face.

Bloody Mary? Sounds more like a Bloody Scary.

BOTH: "Prepare to die."

BOTH: Mommy! Hey, look who it is! Get her!

Bro.

Bro.

Bro.

Buddy. Buddy, you okay?

But afterwards, her breath told the tale.

But at least you had a wedding day freak out.

But do you still want to finish your little pigeon story?

But don't go have one last Scotch with Barney.

But don't worry...

But every story from your 20's starts in a bar.

But here's the problem. You've tormented me so much that I am now immune to it.

But I assure you, nothing inappropriate happened between me and your wife.

But I didn't. Because somehow I just knew this was all gonna work out.

But I don't get it. You're so against me moving...

But I guess that's what happens when you've been married for 60 years.

But I should've known back then this was not husband material.

But I tried it on this morning, it was uncomfortable, itchy and wrong.

But I want them to be profound and inspiring.

But I'd like to think that wherever she is, she...

But I'm in the weirdest place on Earth right now.

But if you find someone you feel safe with, it's like flying.

But if you get up to the top, you can see almost 30 miles...

But if you must know, it's, uh... It's not a speech.

But if you've got someone that you feel is really there for you...

But in my mind, I kind of think she is.

But it doesn't mean it's gonna happen to you.

But it's funny, once you actually hear those words out loud...

But it's no big deal. I prefer being alone. I really do.

But later, at the actual wedding...

But love doesn't make sense.

But Marshall just said that. What is going on?

But not before first slapping them right in their stupid face.

But regardless, there's still some lingering pain there.

But slapping is now a part of my past.

But that's not even the capper.

But that's the dream. I can't believe I just said that.

But the story gets bittersweet...

But the truth is, I don't love you like that anymore.

But there's gonna be all sorts of paperwork...

But there's still one item left on this list.

But they're family and I love them.

But this Barney.

But this new side of you...

But what is?

But you can't force it. It has to just happen.

But, look, I don't even know if I'll like bacon.

But, you know, by the time we'd landed...

But?

By not getting a single shot past me the entire morning?

By the way, in the interest of honesty...

Can I use your powder room?

Can you believe people used to swim in those?

Can you help me get a driver's license?

Can you imagine?

Can you take me to this great master? I have much gold.

Captain, I understand what you're saying, but what you don't understand...

Captain, what the hell happened here last night?

Captain, your powder room.

Carl's still behind the bar at MacLaren's.

Carol. Her name was Carol.

Challenge accepted.

Chapter and verse.

Cleveland has a lot to offer.

Close my eyes and take three deep breaths.

Closet? Patio? Ooh, I think the sauna's open.

Come again for Judge Fudge?

Come clean about Chicago, or cleverly lie my way out of it.

Come here.

Come here. Yeah, I know, I know.

Come on, stay with us.

Come on, your dad's tough, but won't he understand an old fashioned hangover?

Come on.

Consider it your early wedding gift.

Cornflower blue, Ted. Cornflower blue!

Could you also slap me in the face?

Crap, I already broke my crying vow.

Damn it, Barney, why are you always so selfish? We are trying to help you.

Damn, that's smooth.

Daphne, you should've seen the dress I was gonna wear.

DAPHNE: Say, "Cheese."

Darn, I really wanted this next Barney Stinson slap to be special.

Darn, I really wanted to slap Barney Stinson.

Days of you and me

Develop an elixir to cure the common hangover.

Did Barney really wear a scuba suit into the bar?

Did last night really happen?

Did you say "Gary Blauman"? I...

Do you at least wanna finish your story?

Do you deny it?

Do you have someone like that?

Do you know I Don't Care led the league last year in dumb sports stuff?

Do you still have my wedding ring?

Do you wanna walk around some more? It's still early.

Does it face out on the ocean?

Does no one care that I'm wearing this dress?

Don't bother. That suit is a stain. A stain on the very institution of suits.

Don't do this, bro. Classic mistake.

Don't just slap, like, really try to aim.

Don't let me keep you. You have things to do. I'll see you walking down the aisle.

Don't say "buffet." That attracts old people.

Don't tell her it isn't so

Don't worry, any minute, Robin's gonna get smacked in the face...

Drink the blood of your vanquished enemy and move on.

Drink this. You're gonna be okay.

Dude, come on. I gave you one.

Dude, settle down, Swarley.

Dude, she got a ride in your car, remember?

Dude, this hotel has The Wedding Bride 2 on pay per view.

Dude, we can enlist together. That's the dream.

Dude, you're a grown man, why are you throwing a Tantrum?

During the flight, I'll admit...

Ease to the pease. Happy wedding.

Ehh.

En garde!

Entirely.

Even though they are incredibly weird Iooking.

Ever heard of "bespoke"?

Every single holiday, that same dumb story.

Every time someone who hates Barney slaps you in the face...

Everybody out.

Everybody saw it, ow

Everyone deals with getting married differently.

Everything's legendary.

Except the flames of Lucifer keep singeing our back bumper...

Excuse me. Do you know where I can find White Flower?

Fiancée? What fiancée?

Finally, like T.R. Stricken by tropical fever on his Amazon trek, we could go no further.

Fine, there's a very simple solution here, we might as well just face it.

First off, kudos to Marshall and Lily for calming you down.

First you must meet White Flower, the second master, who will teach you strength.

For a guy who loves New York this much, to leave it...

For the first 10 years I knew him...

For weeks after I read it, I only wanted to talk about one thing.

For your stupid face.

Forgive me... I'm a little bit of a detective. But it was a bad breakup?

Four women and a willow tree.

From the moment Marshall left for Minnesota...

Gary Blauman rules.

Gary Blauman?

Gary Blauman.

Gary Blauman's here. I had no idea he was coming. His reply card got lost.

GARY: I'm not Taft. I'm Teddy.

GARY: Knock what off, bro?

GARY: Oh. So the fact that you're the incumbent means she should just pick you?

GARY: Yeah, right. Go sign the Payne Aldrich Tariff Act, Taft.

Gary's the guy that I had an affair with.

Georgio Arms Are Not The Same Lengthy?

Get you head out of your ass. It looks like they're casting Cocoon 3 out there.

Getting started?

Getting the car, sir.

Go for Barney.

Go Vikings!

Go, Pack, go.

God, today's gonna be all downhill from here.

God, you're just as perverted as Barney.

Good night.

Good thing there's no guest on either side of you.

Gosh, caller, that's a real pickle. You know, my grandma always says...

Got stuck in a snowstorm, spooned to stay warm... At least, that's your story.

Grammar is the first step on the thousand mile journey to accuracy.

Grandma sitting next to the band, divorced couples one table away from each other?

Great, because I actually brought a different dress I'd like to wear.

Great. And while you do that, I'll check in on the ring bear.

Great. And while you do that, I'll check in on the ring bear.

Great. It's just a wedding. Who cares what people wear?

Guess where he found it.

Guy in a scuba suit, just walking down Broadway.

Guys, Barney may be dead.

Guys, wait.

Guys, we need to go back to the hotel.

Guys...

Ha ha ha. Oh, Barney, my dear boy...

Ha, ha! I've made enormous strides since you last saw me, dear.

Ha, ha. I'm sorry, I couldn't tell, you're acting like it's any other Sunday morning.

Ha, ha. Just don't break any lamps like your friends Barney and Robin.

Ha, ha. Let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.

Hang on there, Marshmallow.

Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?

Happened when she went to Paris in college.

Hate to tell you, Lilypad...

Have the first Scotch toasting Barney's new life.

Have you been avoiding Barney?

He can't take a bad photo.

He has all six of my collections.

He has no idea we had to cancel the photos...

He just said, "I've gotta go teach somebody some manners," and off he went.

He lied so we'd be okay.

He loves us?

He met a girl at work, and it was love at first sight.

He never checked with me before making plans. And our rehearsal dinner? Oh, boy...

He slept with over 20 women.

He still loves me.

He walked all the way home in it, like 20 blocks.

He walked into this sporting goods store, tried on a scuba suit...

He was dying right before my eyes.

He was not "good, thanks" at all.

He was only president for four months before he was assassinated.

He went blind in one eye...

He would always take his mother's side in arguments.

He's an angel.

He's currently working on a collection of travel essays.

He's gone.

He's gone.

He's in the middle of the saltine challenge.

He's not waking up. I'm out of ideas. We've tried everything.

He's really leaving.

He's the one you should thank.

He's trying to eat six saltines in a minute.

Heard it, loved it, called it the greatest coincidence of the 21st century.

Heh, okay, I'll embarrass him.

Heh. I can't believe we kissed today. Weird. Heh.

Heh. Ted.

Hello, handsome.

Hello.

Here already? Well, I have to say...

Here comes the bride.

Here for a romantic weekend away from the kids.

Here we are.

Here we go.

Here, you take it.

Here's the deal: You get to tell us one more interesting fact about Teddy Roosevelt.

Here's the part that still keeps me up at night.

Here's the secret, kids. None of us can vow to be perfect.

Hey o. Ha, ha. Wait, now I'm confused. Are you dying?

Hey, Barney.

Hey, do anyone else's balls hurt?

Hey, everyone, next round's on me!

Hey, everyone. Next round's on me.

Hey, I bought him that suit.

Hey, I love your yarns.

Hey, kids, have I ever told you how I met your father?

Hey, Lil, nice dress.

Hey, that is not a toy, you ragamuffin.

Hey, was that a fake jukebox?

Hey, watch it over there.

Hey, we should kiss one more time in front of them...

Hey. Not cool.

Hey. You asked for me?

Hi. Hey, I'm sure you get this question all the time...

Hi. Um, I live downstairs, and I've always wanted to say this to you...

Hide it in a boat.

Hmm, with that secondary, I wouldn't make that promise.

Hold that thought, I just wanna see if I can fix this.

Honestly, it was no big deal.

How are you? Oh, duh.

How could you, Mom?

How dare you speak that name?

How did I only just now realize this?

How did you do that to the jukebox?

How do you decide which one?

How does anybody find anything?

How, at the end, Andre the Giant hooks them up with those horses...

How'd you find it?

Huh. That is much.

I almost killed my wife, Ted.

I almost killed my wife. I almost...

I am here to meet her.

I am in reasonable health, and happy to meet you all once...

I am never, ever getting that drunk again.

I am not gonna take marriage advice from a couple who just got in a gigantic fight.

I am not kidding around here. Tell me where you are.

I am not your future. Barney is.

I am so busted.

I am so glad we made it. That snowstorm was getting really bad.

I am so sorry. Are you okay? That was totally my fault.

I ate too much bacon.

I backpacked there in college.

I can keep a secret real good.

I can't believe how much trouble you went through to get this for me.

I can't believe Jed made us promise not to watch this.

I can't believe my great grandparents still do that.

I can't believe that mini mart sold Tantrum. It's been discontinued for years.

I can't believe you have this book.

I can't go higher than 10.

I can't go through with this wedding.

I can't go through with this.

I can't shake it.

I can't shake this feeling that nothing about me and Barney makes any sense.

I can't violate our hotel privacy policy...

I can't wait to be inside you.

I can't wait to see the photos.

I can't. It's in vow luntary.

I care. Okay, now you're good.

I did. I had my boy Timmy G. Make the perfect wedding suit.

I didn't bring the suit I wore to our wedding.

I didn't find it. You found it.

I do.

I don't know, she bailed on my scrapbook...

I don't know. I just... I like boats.

I don't like the person you become when you read.

I don't like this.

I don't love flying, I must admit.

I don't want Ted to have to sit through this movie.

I don't want you to be the guy who lives in his stories.

I feel better.

I feel kind of bad that Ted and Marshall missed it.

I feel kind of guilty about it. I know how badly Lily wanted to move to Italy.

I finally found the one, Marshall. Her name is Bacon.

I forgot to mention there's a bit of a back story to this particular slap.

I got left at the altar, Barney.

I got that beat. So I was ordering fries...

I got what I thought was the worst haircut.

I gotta get help.

I gotta go. Bye.

I guess it's official.

I guess let's go find Blauman and tell him the good news.

I guess some people just never have that holy crap this is my wedding moment.

I guess something about her helped him get over Lily.

I had no idea it would fly off like that.

I hadn't learned accuracy and so I couldn't control it.

I hated looking at it.

I have a better tie at home. It's cornflower blue. It's cornflower blue!

I have a gay question for you.

I have much gold.

I have seen the face of God.

I have to alert the villagers that there is a Viking amongst them.

I have to get out of here.

I haven't been on a plane in years...

I haven't met him already, have I?

I hope they do. Although I might wanna request a single.

I hope you are quite well

I hope you never stop spinning them.

I just finished reading it. Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

I just mean Weekend at Barney's is way more amazing...

I just met him earlier today.

I just worry about you.

I knew those shrooms tasted like Sea Monkeys.

I know it's a lot, but I don't wanna screw up this wedding thing.

I know it's bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony, but I realized something.

I know Robin's not the girliest girl, but you'd think on her wedding day...

I know this story too.

I know what you're wondering.

I know you're trying to freak me out, but like I said, it's not working.

I know, but we're gonna get there and it'll be...

I know, I almost couldn't get through it with a straight face.

I know. I know that's unfair of me to expect that, but...

I lied. Barney said it was in Marshall and Lily's basement.

I love that guy.

I love you guys.

I love you so much.

I made love to White Flower.

I mean, "Fix graffiti on 96th and Amsterdam"?

I mean, come on.

I mean, even your Uncle Jim, you know, his gay black brother...

I mean, for instance, do you know that before he was engaged to me...

I mean, it's got everything: Intrigue, betrayal, lamps.

I mean, it's kind of sweet.

I mean, look at that color.

I mean, look me in the eye and tell me, why shouldn't I be with that guy?

I mean, the man's initials are "B.S."

I mean, there's so much you don't know about your father.

I mean, tomorrow morning, Ted's leaving for Chicag...

I mean, yeah, I know her from that commercial.

I mean...

I need someone to teach me how to slap my friend just, like, really hard...

I need you to help me pick the suit I'm gonna wear when I walk down the aisle.

I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking.

I remember your precious wedding vows...

I retired long ago.

I say again. Bloody Mary? Sounds...

I say shine that Bat Signal even for small stuff...

I should be back in time for the rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

I should just go back to being a manager at Structure.

I should say up front, I'm not allowed to date my... Oh, what the hell.

I solved it.

I think I'd better not say where I am.

I think it's fine. Nice tie.

I think so.

I think their biggest problem was that Marshall didn't tell Lily the truth.

I thought I should give you your space, like a dying cat.

I thought nothing I said or did could intimidate you anymore.

I told those idiots these death rods are not welcome here.

I told you guys I could keep a secret.

I totally solved it.

I vow here and now that I shall never again get that drunk in my life.

I vow to always sit next to you and hug you even if you're covered in vomit.

I vow to cry less during this pregnancy.

I vow to cry less during this Vikings season.

I vow to finally stop petitioning Paul McCartney...

I vow to honor and respect you.

I vow to keep at least 80 percent of these vows.

I vow to keep the romantic spark alive.

I vow to make you breakfast in bed every Sunday morning.

I vow to stop getting so angry...

I vow to stop pointing out every dog erection when we walk through the park.

I want to enjoy the suspense a little bit first.

I wanted you to have this.

I warn you, Captain.

I warn you, Captain.

I warn you, Marshall. I was on the Olympic fencing team.

I was about to take Lily's rehearsal dinner dress to the dry cleaner.

I was at the bar.

I was freaking out a little earlier, but Lily and Marshall calmed me down. I'm okay.

I was gonna give it to Robin as a surprise...

I was pretending to be Mandy Patinkin.

I was so upset, your grandpa went behind the church...

I was surprised when you called.

I was thinking we could chug some memories, instead.

I wasn't being held slaptive, I chose to stay and complete my training.

I will keep eating and eating and eating... Oh, God, help me, I'm going down.

I wish that I were.

I wish we could help him out the way he helped us.

I won't let it.

I...

I...

I'll admit, I didn't expect Red Bird, master of speed, to be a girl.

I'll be doing the Charleston atop my giant wheeled bicycle...

I'll be taking the train home.

I'll be the guy in the eighth row going like this:

I'll do it! I swear to God I'll do it!

I'll forgive you.

I'll never have cold pizza again.

I'll never have cold pizza again.

I'll protect you, Robin.

I'll say it again. Vow za.

I'll say it again. Vower...

I'll see you up there.

I'll take a test when I get home. It can wait.

I'll take it with me to my grave.

I'll tell you in a minute.

I'm 34.

I'm a Columbia educated lawyer, poised to become ajudge before age 35.

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Oh! Unh.

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ooh!

I'm a friend of Barney Stinson... Ugh.

I'm assuming there's no Mrs. The Calligrapher.

I'm doing fine on my own.

I'm fine.

I'm free. It's over.

I'm gonna be fine. I made a vow, remember?

I'm gonna go slap Barney Stinson in his stupid face.

I'm gonna sue everyone involved with this film.

I'm gonna try to hip check my way into some free Tropical Skittles.

I'm just being cautious.

I'm kidding.

I'm more worried about taking vows with this pile of garbage in a few hours.

I'm not even gonna... Just, whatever.

I'm not found by myself

I'm not nervous. Who's nervous? No one needs to be nervous.

I'm not running away. I'm moving on.

I'm not. We've both been busy.

I'm now a guy who got left at the altar.

I'm okay.

I'm out, okay? You eat the bacon.

I'm ready to give my decision.

I'm ready too.

I'm ready.

I'm so sorry, I wasn't clear.

I'm so sorry, Ted. I really like you.

I'm sorry to interrupt...

I'm sorry, but my slapping days are over.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I'm sorry, did I hear you talking about The Wedding Bride?

I'm sorry, did you just turn off the bride's TV on her wedding day?

I'm sorry, I don't understa...

I'm sorry, I thought you said you were a friend of Barney Stinson.

I'm sorry, I was gonna tell you tonight.

I'm sorry, that would violate hotel privacy policy.

I'm sorry, you're saying "ring bearer," right?

I'm starting to feel like this was a mistake.

I'm writing my vows to Robin.

I've been trying to get these right for weeks.

I've decided to make only one vow to you...

I've got a lifetime without bacon to make up for.

I've got some work to do. Excuse me.

I've pretended to have a duel with actual swords.

If I ever were to lose you

If it's about your hair, I didn't even notice. Especially not from the back.

If only that were true.

If Ted didn't want me to eat it, he should've put a note on it.

If you wanted curly fries so bad, why not just order them in the first place?

In 60 years, that'll be us, right?

In a moment like that, when what's really happening is too intense to deal with...

In a way he was...

In certain tidal conditions, if you had a protected inlet...

In search of the first master.

In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got.

In the middle of the night before any important interview I've ever had.

Interesting.

Is it really such a surprise?

Is livin' there, I hear

Is that the Teddy Roosevelt biography? Coolest guy ever.

Is that...

Isn't the Highland region known for its clumps?

Isn't there some universal guy rule to wait four days to call a girl?

It can't wait.

It can't wait.

It doesn't always go well for her.

It even inspired a popular Chinese children's book.

It happened when she moved to San Francisco and last week, it happened again.

It has been a long weekend.

It is not one great master you seek, but three.

It might be in your pencil box. It's not.

It must be learned with great devotion and respect.

It said "Ahoy."

It took some doing, but James finally convinced Tom to take him back.

It was 2006. Marshall and I had broken up. I was back in New York, feeling vulnerable...

It was a stroke of luck on par with the 50 page manuscript in Roosevelt's pocket...

It was a wedding gift.

It was at a party.

It was like a suit made for someone...

It was supposed to be a victory party.

It was supposed to be a victory party.

It was the perfect combination of slutty and classy.

It would've been one thing if he took one of my fries. One thing.

It'll be painful, but I can root for the Blackhawks.

It's a girl?

It's a list of all the things I wanna do before I leave New York.

It's a long story.

It's a poignant parable whose message is if you love someone, set them free.

It's a suit that's never been worn before. A suit you never dreamed you'd wear.

It's almost chocolaty in its richness...

It's as if my face, my psyche, my soul were covered in that numbing cream...

It's by my bed back in Manhattan. Stall for me. I'll be back in six hours, tops.

It's fine, we'll race down to the front desk and get a key before anyone notices us.

It's good that I ran into you.

It's his wedding day. Guys do weird things on their wedding day.

It's in the daisy.

It's just too soon for me to be dating. I think I should head home.

It's just too soon for me to be dating. I think I should head home.

It's kind of insane how much happened in just a day and a half.

It's like the dude who kept having women show up dead at his staircase.

It's like, "What, do we say goodbye again or...?" Unh.

It's like, relax, Ted.

It's me and your grandpa on our wedding day.

It's mine. It's my list.

It's my ex boyfriend.

It's no big deal. You should be flattered.

It's normal. It's totally normal.

It's not cheesy.

It's not even my move. If I was gonna do anything...

It's okay, I'm fine.

It's over. I'll let it go.

It's right where you picked me up.

It's Scottish Mexican fusion.

It's stupid. I'm stupid.

It's suicide.

It's the city equivalent of being slapped in the face.

It's the largest of the Slappalachian Mountains.

It's written by someone who loves New York.

Itch. Look, if you're really nervous...

Jeanette intercepts it, throws it in Central Park Lake.

Jeanette was arrested for mailing jars of urine to Val Kilmer.

Just because there's a character based on him?

Just don't point and scream, "Maybe it's Maybelline."

Just give me a 20, Mr. Mosby.

Just let me finish. But the second batch...

Just like we've all never sat on our left hand until it fell asleep...

Kind of strange to spend those hours watching a terrible movie, right?

Knocking out serpents, busting down castle doors.

Know what you should use next time you run out of toilet paper? Your vows.

Know what? Think I'm gonna sneak a taste.

Kung fu is an ancient and honorable martial art.

L...

Ladies and gentlemen, Boyz II Men.

Last night, I was doing some late night dirt biking.

Last year, when you helped Victoria escape, how hard was it to climb that drainpipe?

Let's crack this Blauman nut, then work on the fat guy table.

Let's just forget it.

Let's pick you a suit. What are the top contenders?

Life only moves forward.

Like a bunch of times.

Like I need to ask. You're getting married.

Like I was saying, you need to harvest the anger of others into your own slap.

Like that jerk in high school who brings fake mushrooms...

Like when you say goodbye to someone...

Like where my college roommates and I went to a male strip club...

Like, when we get married, it's not all fighting, no sex?

LILY & MARSHALL: You son of a bitch.

Lily Aldrin, I vow to be there for you in sickness and in health.

Lily Aldrin, let's make out.

Lily Aldrin...

Lily chose to give up herjob and not move to Rome so you could be ajudge.

Lily has a secret.

Lily peed on that, and you touched it.

Lily used the word "ragamuffin."

Lily, if you're waiting for me to suddenly turn into the wedding bride...

Lily, our wedding vows, maybe they were just too perfect for real life.

Lily, that photo got all over Friendster and MySpace and...

Lily, trust me, you and Marshall are going to get back together.

LILY: I can keep a secret.

LILY: I don't control when my deuces happen, Marshall. Deuces are wild.

LILY: I'm dumping out.

LILY: We got him out of the house. Drink up.

Lily?

Lily. Out of court settlement. Drop this whole thing and I'll give you 10 bucks.

Lily's boss. He has a house out here.

Lily's right.

Listen to me, I must speak fast. Once you've had your heart slapped out of your body...

Look at this thing. It's all hot and glowy.

Look what Barney just gave me.

Look where you're slapping. That's important.

Look, I just overpaid for some information about this room, so I know it's accurate.

Look, I know that sounds cheesy, but it's just true.

Look, I'm really just here to finish my training.

Look, if you're having trouble...

Look, let's just agree: Absolute silence for the rest of the day.

Look, picture it:

Looks good.

Love is totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it...

Luckily, I have plenty of stories that you don't know yet.

Lucky shot, I wasn't re...

Lucky shot, I wasn't ready...

Making out with each other.

Man, 2007 was a long time ago.

Man, is this place a chain or something?

Man, the fellas sure do get boned on the whole wedding thing, don't they?

Man, this was supposed to be my special day.

Man, when was the last time you think they had sex?

MAN: No, Elizabeth. Leave the dentures in. ELIZABETH: Mm.

MAN: You need to move.

Mandy Patinkin.

Marriage, it's... Oh, it's terrifying. It's like flying.

MARSHALL & BARNEY: Yeah.

Marshall and I were roommates but we weren't friends...

Marshall and Lily have broken most of their wedding vows...

Marshall Eriksen, I vow to always tell you when you have green stuff in your teeth.

Marshall, Blauman saved you from a lifetime of looking at Sugar Ray...

Marshall, do you want to go over to the Captain's house right now...

Marshall, that jukebox cost 8 grand.

Marshall, you and Ted go gather the ingredients we do know.

Marshall, you, uh, don't sound too excited to become ajudge.

MARSHALL: And after a while...

MARSHALL: And so began my training.

MARSHALL: Are you watching Marvin? I'm trimming my nose hair.

MARSHALL: Heads up!

MARSHALL: I slapped his back.

MARSHALL: I watched him all morning, Lily. I need a break.

MARSHALL: My training went on for a year. A year?

MARSHALL: So I went to Shanghai...

MARSHALL: White Flower and I made love that night in the forest.

Marshall's just as responsible as I am.

May you rot in the bacon less hell that I've lived in my entire life.

Maybe a little.

Maybe I don't even feel like wearing my bridesmaid's dress.

Maybe I should be marrying you.

Maybe I'm making a mistake.

Maybe she was blushing because she was lying her ass off.

Maybe the groomsmen should go get some food.

Maybe they tripped, but do you wanna hang out with that guy?

Maybe we just need some updated vows.

Maybe we should all just act like this wedding's no big deal.

Maybe.

Me and the boys have to go teach someone some manners.

Me. We're engaged.

Men's Outhouse?

Mine was to interrupt you less, so that's good.

Mm, mm. Mm.

Mm.

Mm. Whoo!

Mom, I can't believe... How did you get here?

Mom?

More ups and downs than I can count.

More, more, more.

MORT: Who gets married this far away?

Mosby Boys.

Moving on.

MURIEL: And the humidity.

My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?

My father is paying for it. He'll kill him if he doesn't show up.

My father's recipe for a Bloody Mary trades out tomato juice for wolf's blood.

My great grandparents never stop bickering.

My husband's ex fiancée's husband wrote the screenplay for The Wedding Bride.

My Papa Sid can't go 10 minutes without a schvitz.

My training is complete.

My vows.

My wiener.

Mystery? What mystery?

Naturally. Continue.

Never again. I vow it.

NEWS ANCHOR [ON TV]: In other elections today, in the race for New York State...

No coherent singles table? This is the Robin's hair of seating charts.

No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.

No matter how awkward you feel...

No way.

No, but I know who can.

No, come on.

No, I got her.

No, I locked it.

No, I retired from teaching long ago.

No, I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff.

No, I'm not a wild animal.

No, I'm not okay...

No, it's not.

No, l... No, I came over here... God, that's a really good point.

No, like I said, 10, 15 minutes.

No, Lily...

No, Marshall, you're gonna be a lawyer.

No, no, no. Ted, do not give me that look.

No, no, sorry. I refuse to be a part of a third runaway bride situation.

No, not that Val Kilmer. She narrowly avoided prison time...

No, not that Val Kilmer. She narrowly avoided prison time...

No, she wouldn't do either. She's an environmentalist.

No, sorry, flag on the play. You banged White Flower?

No, the bride is always right. It was my fault. Are you okay?

No, uh...

No, we are not doing Weekend at Barney's.

No, you banged her. Remember?

No, you're not.

No!

No! I refuse to look down from the altar...

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No.

No. No. Do not find him a seat.

No. No. No. I'm telling you. Lily, from, like, uh... Well, from college...

No. Oh, my God, no, it's fine. There's so much we have to do.

No. She has a fight with me, goes to an EZ Pick, gets into the Captain's Mercedes...

No. Wait, no. All right? Forget it.

Nobody ever recognizes me for my poetry.

None of us noticed you were stuck in Shanghai for a year?

Nope, hockey's dumb, not watching it. And neither are you, woman.

Nor did banging his head on each step as we dragged him back up here.

Not as big as Barney. Canadian rehearsal dinner on ice, big.

Not everything.

Not traditionally an indoor plant...

Not two months later...

Not unless it all somehow gets eaten in the 10 minutes before breakfast is over.

Not what I mean. Like the elevator or the pool cabana.

Not what I mean. That is never what I mean.

Not Witch Mountain.

Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again, I'm never gonna recover from this.

Now dig deep. Can you think of anyone, anyone at all, who hates Barney Stinson?

Now I'm gonna miss the last day of the bar. I'll never be a lawyer.

Now make me French toast." I'll put this in the "maybe" pile?

Now we're basically a couple of wild animals grunting at each other...

Now, I wanna see if Jed can get his wiener unstuck from that thermos.

Now, I wouldn't call Janice easy on the eyes...

Now, it's 3 a.m.

Now, we can all agree that this is the first time...

Now, you're Lily. You've just had a cigarette in your boss's powder room.

Now...

Of course she showed up. What mother is gonna miss her daughter's wedding?

Of course that's weird, every part of it is.

Of course we are.

Of course, I'll make all weddings illegal.

Oh, and you suck at the bongos, but, hey, heh, keep practicing.

Oh, bother it. I'll get it.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, but he was not "good, thanks."

Oh, come on, Robin. That's accurate.

Oh, darling.

Oh, darling. Come on. No, no, you're not marrying your father.

Oh, everybody saw it, ha

Oh, fact that Ted got a butterfly tattoo, will you ever stop being hilarious?

Oh, God, this is bad.

Oh, God, this is gonna be rough.

Oh, he's a hugger. Nothing like your dad.

Oh, hey, quick question, is it weird to get married in a suit...

Oh, hey.

Oh, I do apologize if I caused any distress.

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, I should get some water.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. This is a good one.

Oh, my God, that bitch lied to me.

Oh, my God, will you just tell us?

Oh, my God, you don't know this one.

Oh, my God, you had a tree way?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Really? Are you sure?

Oh, my. I found Waldo.

Oh, no cream cheese?

Oh, no, got it, sit down.

Oh, no.

Oh, oh

Oh, oh! Just look at him. Oh, I would love to rub that down. Ahem. Sorry.

Oh, quick, the ice machine room.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, sweetie, no, I'm sure that's not true.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, the rehearsal dinner.

Oh, they're the best.

Oh, this is going to be unbearable.

Oh, what, did he take one of your fries?

Oh, whoa!

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, I read about that.

Oh, you'd remember if you'd met Barney.

Oh, you're going to be fine.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Unh! Wow.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Hey, we survived the storm.

Oh. I love the ring bear.

Oh. I'm just a boring old man who won't stop spinning yarns.

Oh. Oh, is this your wedding day?

Oh. That one's sweet. I know how much you hate hockey.

Oh. That would've brought out your eyes.

Oh. We gonna go chug some Labatts?

Oh. Well, you see, mouth words, memory times.

Okay, Grandma, watching a movie, gotta go.

Okay, have I told you about the time that Marshall...?

Okay, he's gone.

Okay, here goes.

Okay, here. Watch.

Okay, how about we switch to an activity...

Okay, I don't know which I hate more, the fact that you're moving away...

Okay, I think my fiancé peed himself a little. Aw...

Okay, I'll do it.

Okay, just, um... Just calm down. Stay put.

Okay, let's start simple: Fresh ocean air.

Okay, Lily, I have to go.

Okay, Linus, don't start popping the sparkling ciderjust yet.

Okay, look, I know this is your wedding, but this is a big moment for all of us.

Okay, now the consistency's off.

Okay, okay, I am going to try and tell this story without completely losing it.

Okay, okay, that's fine. Because guess what.

Okay, okay.

Okay, Scherbatsky, you just poked the dragon.

Okay, that will be all at this time, thank you.

Okay, then the suit I'll be wearing when they all stand as I enter the chapel.

Okay, there is one thing we haven't tried yet:

Okay, we have to get this leaky barf bag back on his feet before the wedding pictures.

Okay, we'll all just pretend like we've never done that.

Okay, we'll all pretend like we've never done that...

Okay, well, you know what? I mean...

Okay, your wedding's in a few hours.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. "I vow to start watching hockey with you."

Okay. During that fall, we did get to second base with each other...

Okay. I tracked it down, and I gave it to Barney to give to you.

Okay. I'll give you this.

Okay. So accidentally throwing Barney down the stairs did not wake him up.

Okay. What is she hiding?

Old people don't magically sense it when you say "Mandy Patinkin."

One long six year wipe after that double flusher of a wedding.

One more, and then you're done forever. So make it a good one.

One more.

One other little thing.

Only problem?

Oof!

Oof!

Oof!

Ooh, is that your toast?

Ooh! What happened to that dress?

Ooh.

Ooh. No can l do's ville, baby doll.

Oop, oop. Better drink it fast.

Or should I say, in the national park, since Roosevelt spearheaded the establishment...

Our future days

Our menu is organic, farm to table, locally grown. No "grease."

Over the years, each of us would discover that Barney's elixir actually worked.

Packers Country.

Patrice has her own drive time radio show. People call in, she gives advice.

Perhaps you'll change your mind when you try their signature haggis enchiladas.

Perhaps you've seen their photos on Facebook?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Say cheese. ALL: Cheese.

Please stick around. For the bride.

Please, please, send me a bill, because I'd like to replace it.

Please, somebody, help me!

Please, stop.

Please.

Plus, his testicles were swinging like a broken yo yo.

Plus, how about those balls dragging all over the ground?

Plus, the, uh, vending machine's got a loose coil.

Point is you need to go get slapped in the face...

Point is, it tastes really good. Also, we need it to help a friend...

Point, comma, get to the damn.

Pour it into the other bottle.

Pretty bad.

Pretty sure I said a million. Guys?

Probably a deuce. Go on.

Probably not since the Maple Leafs won the Cup. Ha, ha.

Problem was, come Friday morning...

Psst. I know what you seek.

Put it back on.

Put these three virtues together...

Quick, before he passes out again. Barney...

Quite well, and you, sir?

Ranjit made a couple really good stock picks, and, well, he owns the limo service now.

Ready? Okay, here goes. I was at the...

Real life is messier than that.

Really? This is how you relax?

Really? White Flower?

Really? You still do that?

Regular cut with a few accidental curlies. That's what you want.

Relax, I'm not gonna slap you right now.

Remember a few years ago I read that biography of Teddy Roosevelt?

Remember back when you'd never even seen me pee?

Remember when the blushing bride said:

Remember? Marshall thought he botched the bar exam...

Remembering this.

Remind me to put a $5 bill in Barney's wedding card.

Retired? You're like 35.

Right down to the surprise ending.

Right.

Right. See, the thing is I don't need to learn anything...

Rise and shine.

Robin and Lily get in a big fight and a few minutes later...

Robin broke a lamp.

Robin put this on my plate, so I'll make the decision. Now, let's take a short recess.

Robin Scherbatsky...

Robin walks down the aisle. You wait at the end of it.

Robin, of course it should be a problem. This is your wedding.

Robin, this is a day you only get to do once.

Robin, you wake up Barney long enough to find out the secret ingredient.

ROBIN: Come on, love. Yeah. Baby.

ROBIN: Found him.

Robin.

Same goes for "coupon," "60 Minutes," and "Mandy Patinkin."

Say for me that I'm all right

Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost.

Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time.

Scooter's been married for a while.

Score.

Second, do you remember Robin's locket?

See one last sunset over the Hudson."

See you, hosers.

See, I would have expected you to have a special suit just for this occasion.

See?

See? Barney came through. There's your sign.

Seems pretty reasonable to me. Maybe even kind of cool.

Seriously. They move at a slow shuffle, they moan a lot...

She left here last early spring

She lives atop a mountain.

She might think that I've forgotten her

She needed something to keep her calm, so she headed to the bar.

She never found it.

She pocket texted me while you were telling her.

She pretended to be annoyed by perfectly reasonable things...

She tried to make it a whole car ride, but couldn't.

She walks down the aisle.

She was all out.

She's a Scherbatsky.

She's breathtaking.

She's hiding something...

She's not gonna lose her Timbits because she's getting married.

She's not serious.

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh, shh, shh. Shh.

Shh.

Should I just, like, go or?

Shouldn't I be with the guy who finds me my locket?

Silence.

Since I'm being forced to wear something I don't want to...

Singles tables are cruel. What if you went to a wedding with a table of fat guys?

Sir, good morning

Sir, I am from Minnesota...

Sixty years.

Skinny dipping in the Potomac River.

Slap me.

Slap Mountain.

Slap this tree.

Smash? Oh, oh. Oh, I guess a show's a smash now if it closes after only 96 weeks.

Smooth, bro.

So anyway, I'm in the noodle house.

So before I lose you to your adoring public...

So cool.

So finally we decided to take it to the groom.

So for a truly devastating slap, you must harvest the anger of many.

So here's all I'll say.

So how do we wake him up long enough to tell us the final ingredient?

So I decided to start fresh in Chicago.

So I did the only thing that I could think to do.

So I guess good night.

So I thought maybe before this place gets too busy...

So I thought we'd try this new restaurant around the corner.

So I will give you much gold...

So I'm just gonna run away alone.

So instead of being a patronizing jerk, how about a simple:

So it is.

So it's not bad luck for the bride to see the groom in his wedding suit?

So let's just tell Robin this can't be done and send Gary Blauman packing.

So Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie?

So stupid.

So that really happened to Ted?

So the hairdresser shows up at 2 on Sunday.

So we all ran out to the parking lot and...

So we all run out to the parking lot to stop Gary Blauman from leaving the wedding...

So we're crouching behind a van, hiding from your ex boyfriend.

So when she arrived at the Captain's house, there was one possible course of action.

So where are we on this slapping thing?

So where should we go?

So yeah, I'm good there. What I really need to learn is slapping.

So you're gonna sue them on the grounds...

So, everybody knows I'm moving to Chicago tomorrow.

So, uh, Lily wanted to borrow Robin's photographer.

So, uh, should we...?

So, uh, well, I guess this is where I leave you.

So, what do you think? Hmm? On the count of three?

So, what happens next? With Lily and the wedding dress, I mean.

So...

So...

Sold. Now, the most important lesson in learning accuracy...

Some great slaps.

Some part of me thought that Barney would magically find it.

Somebody's read their history books.

Sometimes even three deep breaths can change everything.

Sometimes I go and I talk to Empy.

Sorry for storming off. I don't wanna miss this wedding.

Sorry, Grandma, not as touching as you think it is.

Sorry, sorry, go on.

Sorry. I've just got a slappetite for destruction. Thanks for everything.

Sounds cheesy. I'm gonna go barf forever and ever and ever.

Speed.

Stay cool, we got this.

STEPH: Oh, my God. TED: Dude, knock it off.

Still, when you think about it...

Stinson family secret.

Stinson out.

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.

Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir...

Stop it. Just stop.

Stop. Stop. You're just saying this because you're scared.

Strength.

Stroll in off the street and get a meal?

Sure.

Sure.

Sure. They haven't made new Tantrum since then, it lasts a while.

Susan Tupp.

Sweetie, relax. I got this.

Table 27 still gets together once a year for a reunion.

Take one?

Tears start to fill your eyes

Tears start to fill your eyes

Technology is their compression sock covered Achilles' heel.

Ted got that locket for you.

Ted, I've been trying to tell you for years, your bacon allergy is a lie...

Ted, stop it, okay? I know you better than that.

Ted, you know damn well why we haven't.

Ted, you've been going at it real hard...

Ted, your speech sucks.

TED: A week before the wedding, I realized I couldn't stay in New York any longer.

TED: Ah! How dare you?

TED: And as for Blauman...

TED: And on that lovely spring evening...

TED: And so the standoff continued. Hours passed. Then days.

TED: And that's how it goes, kids.

TED: And that's how Robin met your mother.

TED: And that's the first and last time I ever ate bacon.

TED: And that's the story.

TED: And the craziest part was...

TED: And then, I think, it hit all of us:

TED: Because love's the best thing we do.

TED: Blitz struggled with a gambling addiction for a while...

TED: But lucky for Barney, he was marrying a rock.

TED: Eight years earlier, I would've given some speech, confessed my love, scared her off.

TED: Even if that means lying once in a while.

TED: He hasn't changed.

TED: Here's what it meant.

TED: Hi. Hi.

TED: I couldn't believe it.

TED: I was faced with a tough call.

TED: I'm not sure what happened to Blah Blah.

TED: It was a twisting, turning road that led to the end of the aisle...

TED: It was the day of Barney and Robin's wedding...

TED: It's become a family business.

TED: Kids, as you recall...

TED: Kids, I won't lie, that was a long weekend.

TED: Kids, it's not always rational, but people on their wedding day...

TED: Kids, no matter how hard we try...

TED: Kids, the story behind that vow...

TED: Kids, you see where this is going.

TED: Lily knew that cigarette was her last for a while.

TED: Mm.

TED: Neither of us was gonna back down.

TED: Oh, sorry, kids.

TED: Oh.

TED: Sandy Rivers'inappropriate behavior finally caught up with him...

TED: See, over the years, we'd all come to experience something Barney called:

TED: She and Kevin live in Poughkeepsie now.

TED: Still, it's nice knowing she's out there fighting the good fight.

TED: That's when I realized: Blauman and I were locked in a battle of wills...

TED: The hell you are. My name is Ted.

TED: The problem was, Lily didn't want to smoke in front of her new employer.

TED: The three of us started talking Teddy Roosevelt.

TED: There it was.

TED: This is my apartment, my Teddy Roosevelt conversation. I get the girl.

TED: Well, one night, we were throwing a party to celebrate something...

TED: What followed was a long day and a half for Lily.

TED: What I didn't know at the time was:

TED: William Zabka became the youngest poet ever...

TED: Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow.

TED: Yeah, she would.

TED: Yes, kids, that's what your Aunt Lily thought the line was.

TED: You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life...

TED: You're calling me Taft? If anyone's Taft, you're Taft.

TED: Zoey pops up on the news every now and then, supporting some cause or another.

Ted.

Ted...

Ted...

Teddy Roosevelt was the coolest guy ever.

Tell me it's just cold feet? I'm being crazy?

Tell me the truth.

Tell that to William Howard Taft.

Terrible? Lily, this movie is a revelation. I can't believe Ted wouldn't let us see it.

Thank you for that.

Thank you, Captain.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you, Linus.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks, Lily. I'm very aware of the Highland clumps.

Thanks, there was a cornflower blue one that I almost went with.

Thanks.

Thanks.

That "10 percent off all vests" sale? That was my idea.

That being said, I did manage to keep track of a few people.

That does not ring a bell. And it's three days.

That is an authentic flail I won at the renaissance faire.

That is exactly what went down.

That is great.

That is insulting and ridiculous and I am nothing like that character.

That is the most feared name in 40 villages.

That is what happened with me and Tom.

That looks nothing like this bowl of fruit.

That reminds me, mister, no underage drinking.

That room belongs to a Ms. Susan Tupp.

That seems high.

That shouldn't be a problem.

That suit is a slap in the face to all suits everywhere.

That wasn't even the worst snowstorm ever. It was 2008, Barney and l...

That's a big tip. You must have much gold...

That's a prop jukebox designed just to mess with me.

That's an excuse. You have been avoiding Barney and Robin since the carousel.

That's crazy. You'd never moor a dinghy in a lagoon.

That's it? Aren't you supposed to talk me out of it?

That's it. No more books, Ted.

That's it. We are all now seriously too old to keep doing this to ourselves.

That's not gonna be us, right?

That's odd.

That's put you in your place?

That's put you in your place?

That's right, it can't.

That's right. It does.

That's some pretty solid evidence. Gum.

That's the easiest one on here.

That's the shuttle with our elderly relatives pulling up.

That's totally what you were thinking, right?

That's true. She does.

That's why when you find someone you wanna keep around...

The battle raged on.

The building's on fire.

The Captain moored his dinghy in Lily's lagoon? Definitely.

The Captain.

The consequences could be dire.

The cornflower blue tie. That's the one I should be wearing.

The drunks at the dry cleaners destroyed it.

The fabled Slapping Tree of Gongqing Forest.

The Farhampton liquor store is actually pretty high end.

The first batch exploded, which sounded kind of like this:

The fourth fry he took...

The fourth fry he took...

The fourth fry he took...

The friends, neighbors, drinking buddies, and partners in crime...

The guy who somehow, against all odds...

The guy who steals me the blue French horn?

The hawk is a majestic creature. She means you no...

The lamp Robin broke the day of the wedding.

The mama pigeon gets killed by a cab.

The most effective post bender head's too tender ender from here to Denver.

The nest of a mama pigeon.

The one who's there for me.

The only person who could possibly get Barney back on his feet is Barney.

The path I've chosen is Ionesome.

The place where, eventually, it would decompose...

The proper question is, will I?

The question is, which of these other suits do I pick?

The secret ingredient is...

The Slap Bet is finally over?

The slap of 10 million exploding suns!

The time he climbed the tallest mountain in Europe on his honeymoon?

The Too Many Manhattans Project hit a few snags at first.

The trick to accuracy is to, like, try to be really accurate, okay?

The true power of any slap comes from the anger behind it.

The way that you just got slapped

The Wedding Bride 2 is on pay per view?

The words that some deep, dark part of me always wanted to hear.

Then I vow to keep updating them as we go.

Then Stella can never be a wedding bride.

Then that means that night, the real battle...

Then we'll pour the... Robin.

Then who was it?

Then why did you wait until right before the wedding?

Then why did you work so hard to find me my locket?

Then why do you know what they're called?

Then you are gonna love the flower gorilla.

There are just so many people who hate Barney's guts.

There are so many great ones to choose from.

There is a higher law at every wedding, a law that trumps all other arguments.

There were so many other red flags in our marriage.

There's a chance I might be pregnant.

There's a crazy guy trying to slap me and he's...

There's a gas leak.

There's nine steps between the bus and that door.

There's no coming back from that.

There's only one place that she would put it.

There's the blushing bride.

They are both naked.

They broke our $600 bottle of scotch?

They do that for her.

They played "Auld Lang Syne" when Marshall picked up Lily at the airport.

They said after getting Tasered I might suffer from short term memory loss.

They should.

They were supposed to be hydrangeas but there was a mix up at the florist.

They will teach you the three mighty virtues of slapistry.

Think this means...?

This face? You won't be seeing again.

This fake court thingy is adjourned. Judged.

This is a lot of vows.

This is a picture of the restaurant where you and Barney had your first date.

This is how I relax.

This is my magic suit. Get your mind out of the gutter.

This is my place.

This is nice.

This is nothing. I'll tell you about a snowstorm.

This is the best day of my life!

This is the best day of my life.

This is the biggest weekend of his life and you're his best bro.

This is the greatest book anyone's ever written."

This is the one.

This is to slap Barney Stinson? Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you.

This is to slap Barney Stinson? Yeah, okay, I'll totally teach you.

This is your place.

This list isn't written by someone who's ready to move on.

This may be the last time we're all hanging out together for who knows how long.

This may sound crazy, but I'm gonna miss that Slap Bet.

This suit was "be freaking screamed."

This was a tough one. Good points on both sides...

This was it.

Those are the most loving things Barney's done for me...

Those bed springs are gonna squeak like mice in a cheese factory.

Those seem like two things that do not fuse.

Though I did once wear it to the Playboy holiday party and, uh...

Though, things get kind of slow

Tim made you this amazing suit. Put it on.

To all the heartache.

To all the sc****s and bruises.

To all the times it was a "no" instead of a "yes."

To be honest, I'm wondering if this whole getting married thing...

To be honest, not everything to follow would be perfect either.

To leave it unspoken and just enjoy each other's company instead.

Told him if he didn't leave immediately, Zabka was gonna crane kick him in the face.

Tom found out, threw me out of the house...

Tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say my husband peed himself a little.

Tons of empty rooms to bang in. Hurry, I've started without you. I mean, I love you.

Too late. It's like we're in a zombie movie.

Took a back road, ran out of gas.

TRACY: Thank you for bringing me here.

TRACY: Took over the bar, met the Arizona Tech marching band... Go Hens.

TRACY: Tried to put Christmas lights on Lily's grandparents'house...

Train me, Red Bird.

Trust me, I was never late for kindergarten again.

Twice.

Two minutes. Here we go.

U.S. Marines have to get married in uniform, so I'll just go enlist.

Ugh. I second Marshall's vow. I will never ever get that drunk again.

Ugh. Look at this soggy bag of snot. That's it, I am joining Marshall's vow.

Ugh. You two were made for each other.

Uh, can you tell me the name of the guest staying in Room 9?

Uh, ha, ha...

Uh, I did not realize there would be live music.

Uh, I'm gonna go get you some water, okay?

Uh, listen, I have something for you.

Uh, what about this suit?

Uh, what?

Uh... Uh, Barney, this is my mom.

Um, it's my wedding day. What do you think I'm writing?

Um, so look, the truth is...

Um...

Um...

Unless you know any single ladies you could set me up with...

Unless...

Up and at them, let's do this.

Up top, it packed the gals together like opening night of a Sex and the City movie.

Us?

Very well.

Vow za.

Wait, are you just pretending so it'll be less awkward?

Wait, are you one of those freaks who's sexually attracted to buildings?

Wait, first you must go learn accuracy from the one who is called The Calligrapher...

Wait, how did you...?

Wait, how did you...?

Wait, it's fake.

Wait, the colors aren't dark enough.

Wait, think. The first time Barney gave us that drink...

Wait, wait, wait. Blauman's gay?

Wait, wait, you can't go out there.

Wait, wait. Stop. What the hell are you doing?

Wait, what are we doing here?

Wait, what are you saying?

Wait.

Wait.

Wait. I know one vow we kept.

Wait. You know what would prove we're not some old married couple?

We agreed you wouldn't do that anymore.

We aren't making any more bacon today.

We can show you vow it's done.

We could kiss, doesn't matter to me.

We could kiss, we could not kiss.

We destroyed their 30 year Glen McKenna...

We didn't know the next time we'd be together.

We don't know the next time that we'll all be together.

We got lucky.

We have to do this. You're gonna live in Rome.

We haven't gone medium sized in forever.

We know what Barney would want to do.

We lied out of love. Look how happy he is.

We might really never see him again.

We teach kung fu here.

We won't have a moment to ourselves...

We'll go to Judge Eriksen for a live statement in just a few minutes.

We're all gonna die!

We're all gonna die! Aah!

We're an old married couple.

We're at the Captain's house.

We're doing family wedding pictures at the lighthouse in two hours.

We're gonna give you some privacy.

We're old people, remember?

We're ready to call the New York State Supreme Court race...

We're trying to sneak in one last bang...

We've only got about 45 minutes until they get inside.

Wedding vows need to be real commitments. Like our vows.

Well, actually, I didn't, but I will now.

Well, actually...

Well, after careful consideration...

Well, guys, take a good look.

Well, he bought it.

Well, here's one you definitely didn't keep.

Well, I can't wait to meet this Barney.

Well, I guess that's pretty much it. You can slap people now. Unh!

Well, I'm not wearing this abomination anymore.

Well, if it helps, I'm pretty sure "Barney Stinson" is a fake name.

Well, it was just after four bells...

Well, it's no "mouth words, memory times."

Well, it's official. I'm gonna be Judge Marshall Eriksen.

Well, let me tell you the tale of Gary Blauman.

Well, maybe my old friend Mr. Lincoln...

Well, on my wedding day...

Well, the only thing not checked off on this list is "Scotch with Barney."

Well, those are some good friends.

Well, want me to walk with you? Lots of scary ex boyfriends in this neighborhood.

Well, we both know he may not get here in time.

Well, we'll just give them a few minutes, and then we'll go back in and...

Well...

What are those?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you two doing?

What do you do with the cigarette butt? The window? Flush it?

What do you say we make this bang a home game?

What do you think?

What do you think?

What does that mean, baby?

What happened April 26th?

What happens in the magical Gongqing Forest...

What is in these noodles?

What is it then?

What is it with dudes and swords?

What is it?

What is it? What's wrong?

What is that? Applewood smoked?

What lamp?

What space would I have in my brain for other things if I didn't know all this?

What that guy did to me...

What the?

What, did the plane drive here?

What, is that from one of your poems?

What, you lost a locket?

What? A boat?

What? But Marshall's not even here yet.

What? But that's not even my move.

What? Come on.

What? He's the devil.

What? No. Hey, it's us. R Train and B Nasty.

What? No. Nothing happened. Captain's honor.

What? Robin, you're being paranoid.

What? Sometimes I go...

What? What did I say?

What? Where are you going?

What? Who ate my cake?

What? Why?

What's this list?

When he took that flight on the Wright brothers' plane?

When he was assistant secretary of the Navy...

When I slap you, it shall be beneath a willow tree next to four women and a tiger.

When I'm overwhelmed...

When Lily and Marshall are apart for an extended period of time...

When Lily and Marshall are apart...

When my sister and I had trouble getting up for school...

When she came back, she had totally, like, changed her mind.

When Terry Gross interviewed me on Fresh Air, he listened live.

When the bride asks for something, she gets it.

When you do put a drink in my hand, let's make it non alcoholic.

Where, Barfs Brothers?

Where's he gonna sit? It took us weeks to plan the seating chart.

Whether it's yours or Marvin's...

Which he did without blinking an eye. Because lying is second nature to Barney.

Which is what I vow to do for the rest of my life.

Which may or may not have come into play.

Who said anything about a willow tree, four women and a tiger? Guys?

Who's that guy?

Whoa, he's awake. How'd you do it?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Whoa.

Whoops.

Whose baby is this?

Whose is this?

Why am I the only one being punished?

Why Cleveland?

Why do you know what they're called?

Why does the brother always die first?

Why don't you just say Candyman three times and be done with it? Jeez.

Why haven't we done this in forever?

Why is it only half a butterfly?

Why not just say goodbye to the bad things?

Why was Lily getting into the Captain's car at 3 in the morning?

Will you just pick one of us already so I can either have sex or go to sleep?

Will you shut up?

Winter break, freshman year of college.

With a Cabbage Patch doll and ax, but same idea.

With a woman who I may or may not have paid, that one's out too.

WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Sometimes I just feel like he never listens to me.

WOMAN: Damn it, Patrice, I'm not finished!

Won three gold medals.

Would that be okay?

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, about that, bit of a wrinkle. I was just in the hallway, ran into Blauman.

Yeah, because that's what you want, all curly fries.

Yeah, but he's in the middle of Wisconsin. How am I gonna punish...?

Yeah, but it was the most stressful three weeks of my life.

Yeah, but something seemed off. We had this big fight, and she stormed out.

Yeah, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, it is, buddy.

Yeah, it's gonna be a thing now, Narshall. Right, Narshall?

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, right. I can see your whole future.

Yeah, Swarlize Theron, take it easy.

Yeah, watch it over there.

Yeah, why was he hanging so much beef on this movie?

Yeah, wouldn't it be better to project them as a Vower Point presentation?

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I can't believe I forgot that.

Yeah. I really do.

Yeah. I was just talking to the band about the thing with the stuff.

Yeah. It will.

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Yep, Barney's a dead man.

Yep.

Yes, Mom. Shh.

Yes, movie time.

Yes, that's exactly what he used to say. How'd you know that?

Yes, that's totally a thing I've heard of. Can you teach me?

Yes, the carpet matched the d****s.

Yes, you did, it's in our room. Go put it on, we're doing this.

Yes, you won a slap bet with me seven years ago.

Yes!

Yes! Gary Blauman haters club, right here.

Yes.

You already know.

You already know. You're married to Lily, which means...

You always go big for me.

You and Marshall drove back to school, "500 Miles" played on a loop.

You and me

You and me, right now. We'll move to Chicago. We'll start a new life.

You are avoiding him.

You are gonna be so hungover tomorrow.

You are ready for your final step.

You are ready for your final test.

You bitches best get out of my hiding spot.

You can ask my fiancée.

You can't just stand there talking to a building and petting it.

You can't let somebody borrow your photographer.

You can't logic your way into or out of it.

You check the second floor for open rooms.

You could smoke those?

You did not slap the heart out of a man's body.

You did Weekend at Barney's and it worked.

You didn't solve it.

You didn't solve it.

You didn't solve it. You didn't solve it. Did you solve...? No. You didn't solve it.

You dive in, make it home in time forJeopardy!

You don't drop a bombshell like that this close to a wedding.

You don't take a man's accidental curly.

You eat one 8 pound block of fudge in 12 minutes and you're marked for life.

You feel the blood rush to your cheek

You find him a nice...

You go to the reception.

You got here early.

You got lucky, Eriksen.

You had the map to heaven and you never showed me the way.

You have another piece of gum?

You have green stuff in your teeth.

You have no car. What do you do? Go.

You have shown great slaptitude, young one.

You have your first dance.

You killed someone I love. Prepare to dance.

You knocked boots, boots, boots.

You know every one of my stories.

You know I can't, I'm allergic.

You know I'm not a vomit guy.

You know there is gonna be champagne at this party?

You know what "legendary" means? Not real.

You know what tie goes with that suit? The tie at the top of a Hefty bag.

You know what? It doesn't matter. Today is Barney's wedding.

You know, for every marriage in the world like I had with your dad...

You know, he looks better than I thought he would.

You know, I could use a little lie down myself.

You know, I wanna be with a guy who comes through for me. You know?

You know, I've been wanting to see this movie.

You know, that tip isn't a full 20 percent...

You know, this would go great on one of my mom's LT sandwiches.

You know, to get them started.

You know, we have... We have to do research on...

You know, you're filled with this mortal dread.

You learn Victoria has it.

You look beautiful today, Jasmine. Like every day.

You love Barney. And he loves you.

You must not slap anyone until your training is complete.

You need a cigarette. The only place is an EZ Pick five miles down the road.

You need to appreciate the importance of it right now.

You never chew gum. You shouldn't chew gum.

You ran a great campaign, baby.

You said some very sweet stuff. Hell, Ted even cried.

You said yourself, it was her decision.

You saw Lily getting into someone's car?

You say your vows.

You see, after drinking way too much the night before...

You see, I want this slap to be as painful as humanly possible.

You seek to learn the slap of a thousand exploding suns.

You suck, Scherbatsky. You shoot like my grandma.

You swing by your ex's storage locker on the opposite coast. It's not there.

You take a man's wife before you take his accidental curly.

You think this is a snowstorm?

You told me most of the ingredients in your story.

You told Ted about our sword fight?

You took part in the Bearded Wonder Woman Incident of 2007?

You wanna say goodbye to the Empire State Building?

You were totally silent just now.

You will not take a picture of my husband like that.

You won. Enjoy it.

You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to...

You'll always be safe with me.

You're beautiful.

You're claiming there's a mountain in China in the exact shape of a hand?

You're clearly ripping off the story of the Manhattan Project...

You're dreaming if you think that's the last one of those.

You're gonna have a baby?

You're gonna think I'm insane...

You're not a Taft. Roosevelt shouldn't have divided the party.

You're not marked for life, Big Fudge.

You're practically screaming.

You're right, Ted.

You're right. I'm being insane.

You're saying that you committed a murder?

You're seriously questioning our wedding vows?

You're talking to the seating chart master. At my wedding, I managed to sit...

You're the love of my life, and you deserve to make a deuce in peace.

You're the love of my life, pooh bear.

You're the one who always comes through for me, Ted.

You're the poet William Zabka.

You're trying, oh you're trying Not to cry

You've earned my respect today, son.

Your bride is freaking the crap out right now. Where the hell are you?

Your dad used to do this to you?

Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls...

Your father was a sociopath.

Your father... I mean, let's just put it this way.

Your fiancé got a metal detector...

Your first day back, live on the air, is gonna be legen... Wait for it.

Your friend Dongnose got smacked on the nose with a dong?

Your lips are trembling but you can't speak

Your little prewedding wedding, out by the tree?

Your shoes don't match your belt.

Your sister's not like most brides, is she?

1967.

'Cause it was awesome So awesome

[WHISPERS] Happy New Year. Okay, that was way too loud.

A placebo. Place bro.

A suicide note? Hey o.

A year. One year?

Aah! Take her. What...?

Ah, good luck today. Okay. Thank you. Ha, ha.

Ahh. Come on, come on.

Ahoy? Hi. I know it's late...

Ahoy? Hi. I know it's late...

And, my friend, that time is... I saw you and Robin at the carousel.

Anyway, then I hit bottom. There's a bottom below Sugar Ray?

Are you chewing gum? I can keep a secret like nobody's business.

Are you sure? Yeah, baby. I'm sure.

As your next commissioner... State Supreme Court Judge.

Aw. That's so sweet. See my bouquet?

Bad like there was a big fight? Bad like there was a big ring.

Barney. No, the tennis balls...

Barney's phone. Ted, where's Barney?

Because I've never heard of it. Pretty sure everybody's heard of it. Guys?

Boats! Boats! Boats! And only from that commercial.

Boom! Oh, you suck.

Boom! Oh! Why are you here right now?

Boom! Why?

But it was no big deal. No big deal?

But the wedding photos are in 20 minutes. My dad's gonna be so pissed.

But they're family and I love them. Ha, ha. Our living link to history.

But they're family and I love them. Their wisdom is priceless.

Can I have a double bourbon...? No doubles.

Can we look at this later? Later? There is no later.

Can you teach me accuracy? I can.

Captain, permission to clear things up? Granted.

Cleveland? Cleveland.

Columbia University, 1941. I take it back.

Come on, baby. BOTH: Come on, honey.

Crazy. Where did the time go. I know, it's like, slow down, life.

Cry? Masturbate?

Dary. Your kindergarten field trip to the Jackhammer and Siren Museum today...

Days passed? Days passed.

Did Lily tell you that one? Yeah.

Did you just say "Gary Blauman"? Yeah.

Did you say "Gary Blauman"? Yeah.

Didn't. I went to Shanghai.

Dirt bike it. I can walk that far.

Do you have to phrase it that way? Actual bunnies, Ted.

Do you want to hear the story? No. Please leave.

Does it work? Totally works.

Doing it somewhere we're not supposed to. Huh!

Don't worry, I spilled some iced tea on him. Oh, thank God.

Dude, come on. Sorry. Anyway, enter Gary Blauman.

Eat anywhere but here? Yeah. Yeah.

Every time I used to ask him, he'd say... Please.

Everyone knows that. Right? Totally.

Extremely hard. So that means super easy. Thanks.

Figured something out. Keep telling yourself that.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Oh, no.

Gary Blauman? Yes.

Good one, you got me that time. Hey, only one slap left.

Good. Good. So Robin's a little nervous. Nervous? Why's she nervous?

Grease? Grease.

Ha ha ha. Why don't I see what he's doing right now.

Ha, ha. Hmm.

Ha, ha. No can do's ville, baby doll.

Ha, ha. Okay. Lead the way. All right. Yeah. Come on.

Ha, ha. Right? ROBIN: Right.

Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Has increased his sizable lead over Judge Marshall Eriksen.

Hate to cut in again, but Slap Mountain? That's right.

He didn't go. Totally went.

He handed the election to Wilson. Right? Completely, right?

He said a million. Definitely.

He should be in prison. Well, yeah, for lots of reasons.

He sounds like a fine young man. Yes, he is.

He's gone, Barney. He's gone. No, James.

He's gone. One other thing.

Heck of ajab, Marshall. Well placed. MARSHALL: Captain...

Heh. He stole it. What?

Hello? The third floor's a ghost town.

Here. All right, Ted, let's go.

Hey, Barney? Yeah?

Hey, Barney. What's up, Blauman? Have a seat.

Hey, I've been looking for you. You okay? Uh...

Hey, Ted? Yeah?

Hey, there's the blushing... Code red!

Hey. Code red!

Hey. What you writing? Hey.

Hi. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

How are you doing, Daphne? Not bad...

How did you find it? Pshh.

How did you...? I never told you...

How do you know what they taste like? My older brothers are not...

How's it going, baby? Fine.

Huh! Of our suite. There's a back door.

Huh? Ah! Damn it.

Huh? Ah! Damn it.

I appreciate that, Narshall. Really?

I backpacked there in college. See? Fabled.

I did. Oh.

I do want to hear the rest of that story. Right, the story.

I don't wanna hear that. We should get out of here.

I don't want Gary at my brother's wedding. Neither do I. I'm the brother in question.

I got you. Huh?

I hate that guy. Why?

I knew it. You knew nothing.

I know that one. Okay.

I love you so much. I love you too.

I love you. Enough to take this slap for me?

I mean, why? TED: Why?

I request the highest of fives. Oh, no.

I thought my skin still looked vibrant. It does, it does.

I thought of another one. ...when you interrupt me.

I thought this was an exit. Nope. Balcony.

I was trying to save him. Shh!

I went crazy on an escort in that one. Barney, come on.

I won't. The Vikings will never win the Super B...

I wonder who it was. What did the license plate say?

I'll say it again. Vow... We're just not enjoying them, honey.

I'm gonna check the gym. No, no, no, that gym has a sauna.

I'm sorry, just it's not exactly Voldemort. Bro.

I've told you that story a million times. But where'd he get the scuba suit?

I've told you this one before. A few times.

In the forest? In Gongqing Forest, yes.

Is that correct? Yes. There's a daisy.

It is a ripping yarn, buckle your seat belt... Just tell the story.

It just feels weird. That's because it's new.

It really just happened Oh, yes, it did

It really wasn't that much trouble. Yes, it was.

It's "Boats! Boats! Boats!" Ted, look. Yeah.

It's everything I wanna do before I go to Italy. Oh.

It's just a hangover, Ted. Not that.

It's my room. Why do I have to...? Just come on.

It's still a nice gesture. "No, once a year.

It's time. But you never completed your training.

It's too cold for them in there. Oh.

It's your wedding. Order! Order!

James. Where's Tom?

Jed Mosely was based on Ted. Okay, Jed was not based on me.

Just tell me the secret one. Ha! I'll never tell you.

Karate? Go sailing?

Learned to live a life of style

Let's throw him down the stairs again. TED & MARSHALL: Yeah.

Like Dumbo's feather. Dum bro's feather.

Like I said, I got you. Thanks, Marshall.

Like way better. What's in this thing again?

Lily never chews gum. What, never?

Lily, what a lovely... Can I use your powder room?

Lily, what a lovely... Can I use your powder room?

Lily, you taught kindergarten. That does seem pretty irrespons...

Listen to your mother. Aw... What are we gonna do...

Look at you. Thank you for making it.

Look, I'm really sorry. No, it's not good enough.

Man, you know nothing about breakups. I really don't.

Marshall's driving through Wisconsin? Yup.

Masturbate. Take a boat.

Maybe I'll go put it on right now. Go right ahead.

Maybe some part of me thought... That you still loved me.

Mm. Heh.

Mm. Those wildflowers?

Mm. Okay. Okay.

Move. I serve sloppy joe now. Okay.

Narshall, did you do that? Nope, wasn't me.

Never again. ALL: Never again.

Nice. So awesome.

Nice. We did it.

No, I don't think so. Exactly. Totally. Ha, ha.

No, no, no. No!

No, Red Bird, I can't. Slap me. That is not a request.

No, you won't. No, you're right, I won't.

No! Please!

No. I don't want to lose a finger. TED: Mm. Mm.

Nope, not gonna happen. Give me a second. TED & MARSHALL: Oh!

Nope. Good, because I prefer being alone.

Nothing special. Hydration, patience.

Of course we will. MARSHALL: I don't know.

Of course. Right over the cliff. Just as I suspected.

Oh, boy. Lily.

Oh, God, this is awkward. Yeah.

Oh, God. Movie or the smash Broadway musical?

Oh, God. Is it a suicide note? Oh, God. How many pills did you take?

Oh, hi, Grandma. Robin, sweetheart.

Oh, man. All right.

Oh, my God, Lily... She stole my heart.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Why the code red?

Oh, my gosh. It's you. Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I use moisturizer every night.

Oh. Mwah.

Oh. Hey. Hey, bud.

Oh... Ha ha ha. Every time. You want me to get her?

Okay, buddy, you gotta take it easy. Never!

Okay, let's do this. Bitch...

Okay, this has to stop. Come on, we're just having fun.

On a plane. With your fear of flying?

Once was enough. Totally.

One for dinner? No.

Out of ice. I'll get it.

Poppycock. What are you talking about?

Quick, how do we make him vomit? Uh, remind him he's getting married?

Ranjit, get the car. Getting the car.

Really? Mm hm. Yeah.

Really? That's great. And she wants to meet him.

Red flag. Oh, Genevieve. Not good.

Retired? You're like 32. I am 86 years old.

Retired? You're like 32. I am 106 years old.

Right down to taking credit for this locket. That's not fair. I told Barney to.

Right? Oh, and when he was at Harvard... Shut up!

Right? Right? Right?

Right? Right? Right? Right?

Ring bear. Look into my eyes and say:

Say yes to the suit! I can't, I can't.

Scottish Mexican fusion? Scottish Mexican fusion.

She wants to meet you. I'm in the middle of the saltine challenge.

She's gonna look amazing. You better believe it.

Slap the tree? Lf you can.

So awesome. Okay, there's one more item on the list...

So bad. Yeah.

So cool. Uh...

So I've told you all my stories. I'm afraid so.

So, you want the Kennedy Package? Bingo.

Someone suggest something useful. Here's the plan.

Something with a two on it is fine. Those are rare, mine is lucky.

Sorry, I saw it on a plane. So this is gonna be a thing now?

Stay safe, R Train. You too, B Nasty.

Still not right. I think it was a little redder. Mm hm.

Stop. You've told me this before. I have? When?

Sugar Ray's "Fly." You know it.

Suit up. I'm trying to.

Sure. In 1941?

Sure. Okay, okay.

Sure. Really? Fabled?

Teach me speed. No.

Ted, I don't know. Take it. Please.

Ted? Oh, thank God.

That time I was just messing with you. Just give me the stupid drink.

That will never happen. Heh.

That'd be awesome. It would.

That's a rough one. Darling, darling, the list goes on.

That's all of them. Wow.

That's all. Okay. Good night.

That's also her. Really?

That's kind of weird. Is "weird" the right word?

That's not how the lamp broke. Of course not, have fun.

That's not... I wonder if they let you pick bunkmates.

That's the dream. He's right. That is the dream.

That's what the bride wants to hear. Ha, ha. No, that's not what I meant.

The br... The br... Yeah, Gary.

The ceremony. When everyone stands up for me?

The greatest generation. Smother me before I'm that age.

The saltine challenge? Now? LILY: Heh.

The thief of the group was Lily. No.

The way he proposed, huge. Yeah, but think about it.

There's gotta be someplace to bang here. I'm starving. We should've hit the buffet...

They crisp it up real nice here, don't they? Mm hm.

This is fun. Oh, yeah.

This is more than a wedding gift. Maybe it started out that way.

This room belongs to Susan Tupp. Who?

Three deep breaths? Mm hm.

Throw it in the trash can? The Captain would find it.

Time to check it off. Yeah, I should probably wait for Marshall.

Trying to work over here. A bright, shimmering future ahead.

Ugh. No, I can't do it. Yes, you can.

Uh, hey, ahem, will you toss me that bottle? Yeah, we haven't done this forever.

Uh, how about the roof? Oh.

Uh, how about this one? Oh, man.

Uh, let's see, it was all the time. Really?

Uh, we're adorable. We're Marshmallow and Lilypad, bitch.

Uh, what cake? Narshall!

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I'm just gonna wing mine.

Until I fixed it with the actual worst haircut. Which led to the worst wedding photos.

Vow dare you? Just stop.

Wait, what time was this? A little after 3 a.m., Billy Zabka. Why?

Wait, you guys had a sword fight? Maybe a tiny one.

Wait. Did you say "Gary Blauman"? Yeah, why?

Wait. Stop the duel. Oh, thank God.

We can't run away together. Heh. Of course not.

We go big tonight. Easy there, buddy.

We have to stop him. Barney.

We made it. Ha, ha.

We were so innocent then. So many dreams.

We're locked out. I guess we could try the back door.

We're trying to do it someplace naughty. Huh!

Well, congratulations. Here's your grease. TED: Mm.

Well, good night. Good night.

Well, hardly ever. Great job, Ted.

Well, his future mother in law is here. Robin's mom is here.

Well, how about this one? Yes, yes, that's the one.

Well, well, if it isn't the Mosbys. BOTH: Hi.

Well, what about your backup dress? Oh, it's just classy, Ted.

What about the business center? A room full of computers? Perfect.

What about the gazebo out back? Next to the lawn bowling court?

What about the story that explains how...? Dongnose got her nickname...

What do we do? You guys see the irony here?

What in the...? For one simple reason.

What? I'm so sorry.

What? Kidding. I'm kidding, heh.

What? Nothing.

What? Slap me now.

What? Turn the page.

What? Why have I never seen that before? I've been using cover up...

What's going on? Shh.

What's in it? Glad you asked.

When did you go? Last year I went.

Where did you find the locket? Me? Why you asking me?

Where is she? Who?

Which mountain? No.

Who? Sue Tupp.

Whoa, sorry. Sorry. Oh, my God.

Whoo! Oh, man.

Why didn't she tell me? Maybe it was a work thing.

Why would you lie about that? Just to mess with us?

Will you please fetch the daisy? Aye aye.

Wisconsin? Wisconsin.

Wow. That's a pretty good one.

Yeah, fake jukebox. Nice, nice.

Yeah, that saves it. I'm so sorry I let you down.

Yeah, they work fast. Yes.

Yeah. But here's my point...

Yeah. So we decided to take it to the groom.

Yeah. I'm sure we can find a place... Yeah.

Yes, no, maybe...? Get out.

Yes. No.

You avoiding the family too? I'm gay, I'm black...

You brought more than one tie, right? I was trying to pack light.

You didn't go to Shanghai. He went.

You didn't go to Shanghai. I went to Shanghai.

You gotta move on. You're making this whole story up.

You just got slapped, oh Slapped

You just got slapped, oh, yes Just got slapped

You mean Ted? Whatever, same guy.

You okay? Why did she get into the car?

You okay? Yeah.

You okay? Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

You peel the label off the Glen McKenna. On it.

You really think that will wake him up? Wake up who now?

You son of a bitch. You son of a me.

You sure it's not a few blocks that way? Nope, it's right here.

You sure you really know how to...? What is the sound of one hand slapping?

You'll make friends. Look, enough of this.

You're gonna be a great husband. No, no, no, wait. He has a point.

You're good to go. Where'd you find the locket, Ted?

You're in a Scottish Mexican restaurant? Ha, ha.

You're the only one that says that. Well, it's true.

You've narrowed it down to all your suits. We're screwed.

You've never looked more beautiful, Robin. Nobody asked you, Patrice.

Your fries. You need anything? I'm good. Thanks.

Your purse? Marshall could find it.

... and a surprise guest had just arrived.

... and my appreciation of the historic Van Otterloop manse.

... and not everything along the way was perfect.

... and the ragamuffin from next door left him stranded on the roof.

... and was hightailing it across the country...

... as the years go by, you just lose touch.

... but after a three day bender on the same slot machine, he finally kicked it.

... but did receive mandatory psychological counseling.

... commissioned a top secret project:

... did we have it out right before our rehearsal dinner.

... ending his news career in America.

... even the best of us go a little too wild sometimes.

... finally found the magic formula.

... for Judge Marshall Eriksen.

... gum.

... had a painting of himself made, and posed next to it in an art gallery?

... he was awarded the Bro Bel Prize. True story.

... he was engaged to marry an exotic dancer? Hello.

... I also learned the delicate art of Chinese painting.

... I can't remember what, when a pretty girl noticed the book on the table.

... if she was gonna sneak one, this was her chance.

... like a 46 year old grandma at a Reno slot machine.

... like my driving gloves...

... Lily...

... Lily's been secretly puffing ciggies...

... sadly also exploded.

... she knew she'd have to quit again. Cold turkey.

... so he freaked out and got wasted?

... sometimes find themselves panicking about whether they made the best choice. Ripped By mstoll

... Supreme Court, Judge Brad Morris...

... that made T.R.'s charge up San Juan Hill look like a walk in the park.

... that slowed that would be assassin's bullet.

... that's exactly what Barney and Robin vowed to each other.

... they had a big fight, Lily stormed out.

... this is all Uncle Barney remembers from the first two hours of his wedding day:

... to impress women, he dressed up like a Prussian aristocrat...

... to part ways with people forever.

... to win the American Humanities Medal for Literature.

... took place the morning of Barney and Robin's wedding.

... Uncle Marshall had gotten kicked off his flight home from Minnesota...

... was chewing...

... who is most famous for being a world class drunk...

... with another stranded traveler named Daphne.

... you do something about it.

... you love so much when you're young...

...a mere slapprentice.

...a pregnancy test.

...a simple question.

...about kicking, you know, because, uh:

...about the next slap that you'll receive.

...about the next slap that you'll receive.

...always...

...and any other future children we may have...

...and I guarantee you've broken every single one of them.

...and I know what it is.

...and I love her way too much to behave rationally now.

...and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have...

...and if given the chance, they chew your ear off.

...and if she's born outside of the U.S. She can never become president...

...and it was entertaining watching him lie to those poor girls...

...and it's an odd one.

...and listening to my breakup song over and over.

...and my dad came up and kicked Barney in the crotch.

...and now the kids are from a broken home.

...and only then will you have mastered the slap...

...and picked those wildflowers for me. And now, he's buried...

...and replaced it with cheap booze, ketchup, and hand sani.

...and scoured a 10,000 square foot grid around that carousel.

...and see that damned stupid accidental curly fry stealing Gary Blauman.

...and serve as a natural mulch.

...and something that looks sort of clumpy.

...and strategically placed straps for a long time to keep this puppy quiet.

...and talked some sense into me.

...and that it had nothing to do with the dong smacking incident?

...and the good things will always be here waiting for you.

...and the other ones in this room and all the ones in the adjoining room.

...and then Inigo Montoya is like, "Fezzik, you did something right."

...and then used it for an away gamer.

...and these ones...

...and they're all based on lies.

...and three hours later, she doesn't want to go to Italy?

...and we'll always share that, but I don't really know you.

...and your point.

...as I say my vows to the woman of my dreams...

...as long as the steel factory's not smelting. Ugh!

...as we drive through this hellish, cheese infested wasteland.

...as we drive through this hellish, cheese infested wasteland.

...at that restaurant on your first date.

...Barnert Stinsonheimer?

...Barney Stinson has a super power.

...because apparently I am marrying my dad in a few hours.

...because I was afraid you'd take it the wrong way. I wound up tracking it down.

...because it's the only one that really counts.

...because we're afraid that the magic might fade after we get married.

...because, in yet another story I know...

...believe that we could rally. Even though it's fake, it worked.

...but a second ago, wasn't it the slap of a thousand exploding suns?

...but do you think it's possible...

...but I still think that it's a bad sign I never found that locket.

...but I suppose it gets plenty of light with the southern exposure.

...but I've gotta get out of here. CAPTAIN: I sent the car. When she got here...

...but I've gotta get out of here. I wanna make one stop first.

...but I've never had the guts. And so here goes.

...but if you want I could set you up.

...but is there a special class where I just learn slapping?

...but Marshall has since confessed to me that en route to your honeymoon...

...but maybe this won't be such a bad... CAPTAIN: We are cleared for takeoff.

...but my gut tells me my future's in Chicago.

...but she needs it to come from you.

...but so many of them are good things.

...but they're still the best couple I know.

...but ultimately, Blauman stays.

...but you have to stop blaming me for your own decisions.

...by a bunch of gullible chicks Barney banged.

...can emancipate that information.

...chatty and blond for my taste. You're like a woman.

...considering Marshall's been spouting Vikings trivia for the last hour.

...don't think of it as a slap, think of it as a high five.

...every time we do it on your birthday. Find him a nice seat.

...everyone congratulating you on your book, saying:

...finds my locket.

...for a long period of time...

...for five dollars.

...four of my fries.

...from binge studying. Saved it.

...from getting hit too hard in a boxing match...

...from this day forward...

...ha, ha, let's just say I stuffed a lot of bunnies in that suit.

...half a tiger?

...hate to disagree with Barney, but I love that guy.

...hate...

...he emerged from the woods...

...hospitals in Italy, and we have to... But we're not going to Italy.

...I am all but guaranteed to find...

...I am always gonna be honest with you.

...I believe I'd see a potted plant of some sort.

...I didn't even know what your father did for a living.

...I force myself to do one simple thing before I have to make a decision.

...I had a few difficult moments.

...I hate to even say this...

...I have a divorced cousin just outside of Akron.

...I just want to take a moment, you and I, to celebrate...

...I know something happened between you and Lily last night.

...I should be with you.

...I vow to make Batman work harder.

...I vow to stop shouting stuff at you when you're dumping out.

...I'd sweep the leg and put you in a body bag.

...I'm just getting started.

...I've ever set foot in this house, correct?

...I've narrowed it down to these ones...

...if I dig around...

...if you're not there for him, you will always regret it.

...in an era where folks inexplicably talked like this." Ha, ha.

...in the far off, mystical land of Cleveland.

...Iove that we have the opportunity...

...is a lie. That's the secret.

...is gonna be legendary.

...is something I can go through with.

...is that Lily is my wife...

...is the most important rule, because my slap...

...it can't cover a lifetime of growing and changing with you...

...it probably won't even work. It's stupid, I'm stupid.

...it wasn't so dreadful after all.

...it's a $600 Glen McKenna 30 Year.

...it's a perfect fit.

...just give up, that's just not me. LILY: Fine.

...just like we've all never taken two live jumper cables...

...just some consolation prize?

...just to, like, blow their minds, right?

...like a dream Sir Mix A Lot would never wanna wake up from.

...like, uh, shoveling snow...

...Lily...

...married for 60 years and they still wanna jump each other's bones.

...memory times. Can I take a peek at your speech?

...more questions for me than their pharmacists. Ha, ha.

...mouth words...

...my dad had a few cute tricks.

...not saying "thank you."

...nothing. ALL: Huh?

...of a million exploding suns.

...of falling more and more in love with you every day, Lily Aldrin.

...of Gotham City... The State of New York.

...of raising children with you...

...oh, God, it makes me furious to this day.

...on the bottom of the walker.

...once those old bastards latch onto us like leeches.

...or else we're lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in.

...or in the case of what came to be known as Spew Year's Eve 1998, my own. Sorry.

...or like, uh, if a police horse dumps out in the park.

...or the fact I'm the only one that knows about it. Why won't you tell anyone?

...or the springs of a bathroom scale...

...pick to head up this historic task? My head hurts. Let's just speed this along.

...punch him in the face really fast, come back and do this wedding?

...quiet, steady, I like it.

...recover from a hangover. Wait a second...

...right in his stupid face. Can you teach me that?

...Robin's father completely disappeared for about three hours.

...seems pretty easy.

...she brought the dress so she and Marshall could get new wedding photos taken...

...she'd be at least a little sentimental.

...small town Minnesotans next to liberal New Yorkers with grace and aplomb.

...so I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative...

...someone you can depend on...

...sometimes it's best...

...starts smoking again.

...stays in the magical Gongqing Forest. Best wife ever.

...talk to her about life.

...than our wedding could be. I'm gonna get more coffee.

...than our wedding could be. I'm gonna get more coffee.

...that day Blauman took...

...that I could eat six of these saltines in under a minute?

...that I once thought I loved Gary Blauman. Ooh, this sounds good.

...that nothing like that cake thing ever happened?

...that you may have worn while banging a female rodeo clown?

...that's more suited to somebody who's, you know, heh, getting married today?

...the best people. Why did you lie?

...the best year of our lives.

...the Eriksen men are repping the purple and gold like two bosses.

...the power of their anger goes from your face into your hand.

...then maybe you don't know me at all, Robin.

...then you realize you're both headed in the same direction.

...there's a knock...

...there's bacon grease. Which we throw out.

...there's bacon right here. And where there's bacon...

...things good...

...those hangovers all happened at the worst possible moments.

...to all of my old tricks, which is why I sought out special training.

...to be honest, it felt kind of weird to me.

...to destroy Gary Blauman's weekend by kicking him out of the wedding!

...to get inside their snow pants.

...to have a drink with Barney before the rehearsal dinner.

...to let Weird Al record "Chicken Pot Pie" to the tune of "Live and Let Die."

...to make sense.

...to see who's gullible enough to trip? Damn you, OIlie Gunderson.

...to stop wasting my time.

...to throw some toilet paper through the crack in the bathroom door.

...unless you pudge out, in which case I'm a Barney shaped hole in the wall."

...walk out that door and Zabka is my maid of honor.

...walked right out the door.

...was an accidental curly. TED & MARSHALL: Ah!

...was between Blauman and the girl.

...was too powerful.

...we all put on our deal so that we can go all night, right, fellas?

...we all vowed never to get that drunk again.

...we could borrow this altar for a minute.

...we really do have a ring bear. What?

...what is the one thing Lily always does?

...what's the secret ingredient in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir?

...when she found out The Wedding Bride 2 is on pay per view.

...when something occurred to me.

...where every meal is cooked with grease and my father dubbed it:

...where we don't need reservations. You think it's easy?

...which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer...

...while he was president.

...why don't you take a breather and I'll drive us home?

...why'd you help me out?

...with a dead elk slung across his shoulder.

...with a reddish hue...

...with her holy crap this is my wedding moment.

...with terrible posture, no taste and limited funds.

...without you in the house?

...without you in the house?

...you know, there's a marriage like those two in there.

...you must really need to go, huh?

...you put a drink in my hand.

...you should have to wear something you don't want to.

...you're gonna be fine.

...you've got two expert vow consultants standing right in front of you.

...you've only got 10, 15 minutes to live. Sure.

...your mother made up so you'd eat healthy.

'Cause I can see

"Barney and Robin. Lovers Forever and Ever and Ever, A Love Story."

"Buy the whole bar a round of drinks."

"Come clean about April 26th."

"Come clean about April 26th."

"Finally tell my upstairs neighbor how I've been feeling all this time."

"Get one last life lecture from Lily."

"Ha, ha, guys, you don't get to see this kiss either." Ha ha ha.

"Have a drink with my favorite students.

"Have a drink with my favorite students."

"Hey, thanks for the horses, bro"?

"I promise that I'm not bringing a dangerous wild animal to our wedding."

"I vow to love you forever, unconditionally...

"Man, everyone here means so much to me."

"Meet me at Coney Island, see.

"Narshall." How dare they?

"Narshall"?

"Once a month."

"Say goodbye to the Empire State Building."

"Shouldn't be a problem"?

"Take one"?

"The tastiest eats in the whole gosh darn world," so...

"This is a revelation. You're gonna end poverty in our time.

["SANDCASTLES IN THE SAND" PLAYING ON PIANO]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL GASP]

[ALL GROAN]

[ALL HUMMING]

[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL LAUGH]

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[BABY CRYING]

[BABY CRYING]

[BAND PLAYING "MEXICAN HAT DANCE"]

[BARNEY & TED LAUGH]

[BARNEY GASPS]

[BARNEY GRUNTING]

[BARNEY GRUNTS]

[BARNEY GRUNTS]

[BARNEY SNICKERING]

[BEAR ROARING]

[BLOWING HORN]

[BOB DYLAN'S "IF YOU SEE HER, SAY HELLO" PLAYING]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[BOTH GASPING]

[BOTH GROANING]

[BOTH GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH MOANING]

[BOTH SHOUTING]

[BOTH SNICKER]

[BUS BEEPING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[CHORUS SINGING OPERATIC MUSIC]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CORK POPS]

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ECHOING] Patinkin.

[ECHOING] Patinkin.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[FLY BUZZING]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[GAGGING]

[GAGS]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

[GORILLA GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTING AND SHOUTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[HAWK SCREAMS]

[IN ITALIAN]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I loved that dress you cut in half.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh, hold on, you guys are forgetting...

[IN NORMAL VOICE] We'll switch it with this cheap bottle of whiskey.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] What you need is Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.

[IN RUSSIAN]

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya."

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] "You killed my father."

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya.

[IN SPANISH ACCENT] You son of a bitch.

[IN SPANISH]

[IN UNISON] I never wanna have sex again.

[IN UNISON] One, two, three.

[IN UNISON] Sorry, Lily.

[IN UNISON] They're here.

[IN UNISON] Uh oh.

[IN UNISON] We have to have sex right now.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[LILY & ROBIN GRUNT]

[LILY RETCHING]

[MARSHALL CLEARS THROAT]

[MARSHALL SNORES]

[MARVIN CRYING]

[MOUTHS] No gorilla.

[MUSIC SKIPPING]

[PACHELBEL'S "CANON IN D" PLAYING]

[PEOPLE BOOING]

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGS]

[PHONE RINGS]

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

[POLKA MUSIC PLAYING]

[POLKA MUSIC STOPS]

[RATTLES]

[RETCHING]

[ROARS]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SINGING] My gallant housekeeping crew, good morning

[SINGING] What is this feeling

[SIREN BLARES]

[SLURPS]

[SLURPS]

[SNARLS]

[SNIFFS]

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

[SPUTTERING]

[TINKER MUSIC PLAYING OVER BOOK]

[TRACY CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERS] I didn't really spill some iced tea on him.

[WHOOSH]

[WHOOSH]

[WHOOSH]

[WHOOSHING]

[WHOOSHING]

[YELLING]

[YELLS]