How I Met Your Mother - Season 5 Edit

A barber, a stripper and a Jew...

A guy who's uncynical and sincere and believed in things.

A little cheesy.

A long time ago, I let this beautiful girl named Stella get away.

A long, sad life, knowing that he lost his only chance at happiness.

A medium long way.

A picture of Marissa Heller, the golfer.

About another one of her exes, me.

About robots battling wrestlers for intergalactic supremacy?

Actors.

Actually, I kind of like these stuffy, pretentious snoots.

Actually, it's porn.

Agreed.

Agreed. In fact, I even wrote myself another letter.

Ah, Stella. To what do I owe the pleasure?

All right, all right, "P.S. That top part was just for Ted.

All right, all right.

All right, do you guys wanna know why I'm nice to everyone?

All right, Don!

All right. Here I go. I'm doing this.

All you have to do is look that guy in the eyes,

ALL: (SINGING) Constance Fry Constance Fry

Alls I got time for is a two minute date, if you know what I mean.

Also, a little cheesy.

Am I to understand that there isn't a single soap opera fan in this entire elevator?

And a coupon for a bird store addressed to Marissa Heller,

And again, just so we're clear, no accent.

And as much as I love you as a roommate,

And be part of the gang again.

And besides, I like being friendly, okay? I'm not gonna change that about myself.

And come live with me in an apartment above a bar. Send her in.

And down your back.

And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots!

And for these stuffy, pretentious snoots!

And Giovanni Artusi simply didn't understand the new style of composing.

And give my package some stimulus.

And he hung out with one of his exes all the time...

And honestly, I don't think it would change our lifestyle all that much.

And I can't do that if I'm out drinking with you guys every single night,

And I know exactly where she is.

And I mean, it's such a minor flaw in an otherwise flawless film,

And I swear, she is so flexible,

And I wanna see where it goes.

And I'll never be able to do that if I keep hanging out

And I'm thinking a bean bag chair, just for special birthday stuff.

And it may be years before he can look certain family members in the eye again.

And Marissa Heller, the bird owner.

And Marshall wanted to stop and help some guys load their moving van.

And maybe tying me up?

And me heroically catching it.

And neither am I.

And nobody's making fart noises!

And now she's with some jerk

And remember the two minute date?

And said she doesn't wanna hang out with us anymore.

And since then, with each piece of mail we've gotten,

And spend eternity in her arms.

And Stella ran off with him to California,

And that one was hard to explain to the police.

And that would be Barney.

And that's when we'll start trying. Deal?

And the decidedly French influence on the inside. I know!

And the great part is he is gonna live

And the politics of semantics? Professor Hammersmith of Oxford.

And then as soon as you mention breakfast, she's gone.

And then I'll skedaddle.

And then there's more drawings of boobs.

And then wants it back the second another kid starts playing with it.

And then you can have her after that.

And there's no way she'd be on anticoagulants

And thinks she's fat but isn't.

And we both dated Robin.

And we both fell, ass over sex swing.

And we'll never, never say a bad thing about it. I promise.

And we'll talk about this when we get back, okay?

And when the moving van drove away, who should show up

And Will Shortz, editor of the New York Times crossword!

And you know what your biggest baggage is? You're too nice.

And you know what, Ted? I believe that deep down, you're still that guy.

And you know who taught me to be that way? A guy called Ted Mosby.

And you live with one of them.

And, of course, Stripper Lily.

Angry sex on the first date,

Any food at all that'll make me feel like a giant?

Any time I tried to get a little high minded...

Anyone?

Anytime you call

Are we sure she's not British, innit?

Are you saying that you don't have a pair of red cowboy boots in your closet?

Are you so petty that...

Are you talking about Monteverdi and his fourth book of madrigals?

Are you trying to kick me out because of the milk thing?

As far behind me as possible.

As Under Secretary of the Treasury, I had a big hand in crafting that legislation.

As your ex, before you jump into anything,

At least for a while.

At one point she was on top of me and underneath me.

At the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885.

At the London premiere of The Mikado in 1885.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Awesome. Thank you.

Baby, are you really starting to think about this?

Baby, did we just revolutionize modern marriage?

Baby, I love you more than life itself.

Backwoods, Podunk, cow tipping Minnesota hickville where you grew up.

Baggage is a good thing?

Barney is right. It's impossible to say no to that.

Barney, be nice. You only want her 'cause you can't have her.

Barney, what...

BARNEY: Oh. Oops, oops!

Barney?

Best baggage, hates her dad,

Best tradition ever.

Billy, no! The code.

Blah, blah, blah, we're very happy together.

Bollocks.

Boy, was Ted drunk. Embarrassing.

But by the time you reach your 30s,

But can you at least promise me that you won't get pregnant for another year?

But either way, not pretty.

But I am not gay.

But I feel bad for any woman with the kind of low self esteem

But I have to be up early, so...

But I've always wanted to see the inside of the Alberta.

But it really appeared as though there was no baggage to worry about.

But like anything else, it's easier when someone gives you a hand with it.

But listen, we can never pull crap like that ever again.

But no eating in bed.

But no matter what, to this day,

But not me. I look at them, and I say...

But now that you mentioned it,

But sooner or later...

But thanks for the reminder, Robin.

But that doesn't mean anyone with baggage is undateable.

But the owner of the apartment we had just helped some guys rob.

But the worst, the worst, was the ending. So they're at the wedding...

But then the day of the wedding, her karate instructor ex boyfriend,

But they're two different things.

But this is Robots vs. Wrestlers.

But we assume it's some sort of sporting event that pits robots against wrestlers.

But we just started to drift apart. So...

But we still got homemade lady fingers and piping hot Darjeeling.

But we're gonna do anything we can

But you see, music was changing,

But you're a million degrees.

But you're already seeing exit signs for it.

But, according to the movie...

But, Lily, Lily, babies.

But, Ted, you've never missed Robots vs. Wrestlers.

But, well, I still wanna be next to you.

Bye.

Can do's ville, babydoll.

Can we at least push them together?

Can you let me make you my wedding bride?

Can't make that promise.

Carefully orchestrated it that way on purpose.

Carved these panels himself.

Citrus and honeycomb flavors with crisp acidity.

Come hell or high water,

Come on, Royce. You've dated a few Jed Mosleys in your day.

Constance will fulfill your needs

Continue.

Could you come back later? We're taking a little catnap.

Crime free? Crime free?

Cue the river of drool.

Daddy!

Damn it.

Damn straight!

Dating Robin was a huge mistake.

Deal!

Deal.

Dibs.

Did he say Ted that time?

Did the Jets get new costumes?

Did you guys see the porte cochere and the terracotta spandrels outside?

Do you think I'm gay?

Do you wanna move in?

Do you wanna move in?

Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Don has twin beds, too.

Don's not gonna be a part of the group.

Don't forget your sweatshirt. Nice try.

Don't humor me, Marshall.

Don't worry. I won't go to the wedding.

Dude, relax. It's for Marissa Heller.

Dude, what is it with you and my wife's boobs tonight?

Emotional baggage is the bedrock of America's most important cultural export.

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

ENGLISH US SDH

Especially when "you guys" includes two of my ex boyfriends.

Even that thing with the nunchucks.

Even without those reminder postcards.

Eventually, we're all gonna move on. It's called growing up.

Everyone's leaving me and I don't like it!

Exactly.

Exactly. For the rest of her life.

Exactly. It's down the road, a medium way.

Except for these underprivileged children that I work with for free.

Excuse me.

Face, boobs, describe. Start with boobs.

Fantastic!

Film is an auteur's medium, full stop.

Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions.

Fine. But you have to promise to be on your best behavior.

Fine. Then you are out of our gang forever.

First Robin moves in with Don, then Marshall and Lily have a baby,

First, Robin ditches us and now you!

Five front row tickets to Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Five letters, blank baritone.

Five, forget about four. You can whip them out whenever you want.

For some reason.

Four, no breast feeding in front of me.

Free booze at Marissa Heller's party, then Robots vs. Wrestlers.

Friendship, by Ralph Waldo Emerson.

From when it was first installed in 1906.

Funny thing about Willem Dafoe.

Funny, that was my memory of it, too.

Gladly.

God, Barney, enough with the abandonment issues.

Gong!

Gongs, right? They're louder than you think.

Good luck, Ted. That movie is worldwide. It's huge.

Good night. Thanks a lot. I had a great time.

Great. The old ball and chain.

Guess what I've got behind my back.

Guys, come on. I'm just trying to add a little class to these proceedings.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, Will Shortz! Editor of the Times crossword!

Guys, listen. I'm having fun here,

Guys, that's Peter Bogdanovich talking to Arianna Huffington

Guys, this thing with Don is real.

Have you ever seen you walk down the street?

He actually lent the burglars gas money.

He gave them money?

He may be so emotionally traumatized

He means well.

He never fully loves or trusts anyone ever again.

He was an architect with the soul of a poet, really.

He's following Cher on tour.

He's not gonna check.

He's such a type. The butterfly tattoo, the way he pronounces encyclopedia.

He's the one who got me working in porn.

Heck, I've been left at the altar.

Hell, two might be even better than one,

Hello?

Hello?

Her butt?

Her teeth look really nice.

Here's a hint, a giant yellow bird lives on it.

Hey,

Hey, Barn Door, hang on. I'm getting another call.

Hey, Barney, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Hey, bonehead! I'm Jed Mosley.

Hey, guys, I just wanna make sure Project Runway is recording.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Why don't you come upstairs?

Hey, hey, guy. You have anything in the mini cheeseburger department?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Tokyo Don,

Hey, hey! I don't make the rules.

Hey, how come you said "oh, no" when the movie started?

Hey, I stand by what I did.

Hey, if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need.

Hey, Lily, be honest.

Hey, Lily, you won't believe it, it's the craziest thing.

Hey, Lily! Marshall!

Hey, Robin, it's Barn Door. Guess what? I'm open.

Hey, Robin, it's Teddy Bear. Need a little honey?

Hey, Ted, do you think it's weird that Robin is still friends with Barney?

Hey, what took you guys so long?

Hey, Will. Ten letter word for diminutive egg based torte?

Hey, you know what we should get?

Hey, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still looking pretty hot, but otherwise, this party sucks.

Hey. Oh, my God, Barney?

Hi, pumpkin. Did you get our tickets to Maui?

Hints of crème de cassis, red berries, toasty oak...

His high school mascot was a hug.

His name kind of sounds like a frog talking to a parrot.

His wife's a 500 year old relic that hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it

Hmm?

Hmm.

Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam.

Honey, that's Don. That's not us.

Hook, line and sinker

How cool is it that Don makes sushi? He learned while on assignment in Japan.

How do you know that's his catchphrase?

How great are boobs?

How is being nice baggage?

How is that not gonna be a tradition?

How was your weekend away, or any other topic?

Huh!

Huh. Marissa Heller, I like your style.

I am Professor Hammersmith.

I am still that guy.

I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We were happy.

I brought you the blue French horn! Robin, Ted's just holding it for me.

I came to apologize to all of you. I overreacted.

I can't wait to make her move out of her beautiful house in New Jersey

I dated her for a year!

I definitely want her back.

I didn't have a ring, so I gave her a toy I won from a crane machine?

I do wanna go out there and get that girl.

I don't care. I don't care. I'm taking this to the grave.

I don't even know how to answer that.

I don't know what it is, but I want Robin back.

I don't know. The world seems pretty awesome right now, Barney.

I don't know. Well, maybe a little.

I don't own a TV. The only operas I watch are at the MET.

I don't think human beings were ever meant to sleep in the same bed.

I don't think so, sir.

I don't think so.

I don't wanna get divorced.

I don't wanna lose anyone else! We're all really sorry.

I get to touch Lily's boobs.

I go for it every time

I got to say I'm a little uncomfortable with that.

I gotta go.

I hope he pulls through.

I hope Ted is miserable right now.

I hope you like sushi.

I just don't know how I feel about her hanging out

I kept waiting to see what her baggage would be.

I know how to find him. Just give me one minute.

I know it's all fake, but didn't those seem like real characters?

I know the tricks

I know what it is.

I know, you don't have to say it. You don't decant white wine.

I know. I mean, I love you, but I want this new bed

I know. I was just so upset that...

I like you, Don.

I love him.

I love his juxtaposition between the North German Renaissance exterior...

I love spicy stuff, too, guy.

I mean, most people, they see another person walking down the street

I mean, sure, Marshall and I like to pretend, but the reality is scary.

I must have Robin back.

I need to meet this guy.

I promise.

I put the empty carton back in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.

I read that Kim Jong II said it was his second favorite movie of all time.

I say, "Howdy, stranger. Can I give you a hand with that?"

I swear to God, the second you fall asleep, it's like you grow extra limbs.

I think he's awesome.

I think it's kind of weird that I haven't met him yet.

I think it's weird that we're all still friends with Barney.

I think we should get separate beds.

I think you wanna go out there and get that girl.

I understand how you feel, Barney. Friendships are important.

I understand. You're right.

I wanted her to be the mother of my children

I was a little jealous. But now that I know he's gay, I'm okay.

I was gonna say was found alone in his apartment, devoured by his cats,

I was so, so happy when that loser got left at the altar, and you know why?

I will say this, though.

I wish I could, but I have plans with Don on Saturday.

I wish somebody would stop me.

I wonder what she was like.

I would blame that child for the rest of his life.

I... (SCREAMING) That's gonna leave a mark!

I'd been doing it for years.

I'll check, sir.

I'll make them for you sometime. They are insane.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

I'll take her until she's 40,

I'm afraid, my darling, you're too old for my taste.

I'm getting us into the party, that's what.

I'm going through with this wedding. I'm sorry, Tony.

I'm gonna drive you there myself and make you watch.

I'm gonna get a king size bed if Robin decides to move in.

I'm gonna get out of here before we do something we regret.

I'm gonna go to the... I'm gonna go to the bathroom,

I'm here for the Van Smoot party. My name is Marissa Heller.

I'm just gonna move to some country where no one's seen The Wedding Bride.

I'm moving in with Don.

I'm not feeling it.

I'm performing open heart surgery on the Dutch ambassador in the morning.

I'm really glad I can open up to you.

I'm really sorry. We both are.

I'm reciting The Divine Comedy in its original Italian,

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth in the first place.

I'm sorry, Lily, but I gotta give this thing with Don a chance.

I'm sorry. Someone had to do that.

I'm taller than that guy.

I'm the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York.

I've always loved to imagine it as Dante did in The Divine Comedy.

If anything that comes out of that baby gets on one of my suits,

If she were about to undergo surgery.

If you have a daughter, the day, nay, the minute she turns 18,

If you'll allow me. In the original Italian.

Imagine missing that. How would that feel?

In 1994, the cashier from the feed store was held up at hoe point.

In fact, Emerson wrote a great poem entitled Friendship.

In his 1954 article in Cahiers du cinéma.

In the first place. I mean, even that guy's name, Jed Mosley.

In the penthouse apartment of the Alberta!

Into just two minutes to accommodate Stella 's busy schedule?

Is I just didn't get why Stella would even wanna marry a guy like Jed Mosley

Is it weird that Robin hangs out with one of her exes all the time?

Is what I would say if I ever plan on seeing such an awful film.

Isn't he the bad guy in that story?

It doesn't look so sad written in calligraphy.

It just won't work.

It says...

It should be a hoot and a half.

It sucks. And you're all stupid for liking it.

It was bold and romantic.

It was interesting. We went to see that new movie, The Wedding Bride.

It was just so real.

It was one time. I was on cold medicine.

It was pretty rough. I'm still getting over it.

It's a charity for inner city teens who don't have access to sports or healthy food.

It's a Sauv blanc, Loire Valley. Town of Sancerre.

It's a stupid movie, anyway.

It's about me.

It's an invitation to Jefferson Van Smoot's Annual Spring Social this Saturday night,

It's because I don't care about baggage.

It's been four days, she hasn't said another word about moving out.

It's genius. That way each bed would have a specific purpose.

It's gonna come out eventually.

It's just we all really miss you.

It's like if I said you can sit anywhere in this room except that chair.

It's like putting my leg against a tailpipe.

It's like spooning with a Hindu deity, Ganesh!

It's like that line from Dante's Inferno.

It's my ex. Sorry, we're trying to remain friends.

It's not that easy, Tony.

It's really annoying.

It's right behind me, isn't it?

It's right here.

It's Robots vs. Wrestlers, Lily.

It's the end of our friendship.

It's there. I don't know what it is, but when I do, party's over.

Jed Mosley may not be as handsome as you are, or as tall as you are...

JED: No! No! No! Stop doing that!

JEFFERSON: Oh, my heavens, no! That was Edgar Allan Poe's!

Just let me think about it.

Just like a heavy drinker

Just one little scratch.

Just... Just focus on the letter, okay?

Just... Okay.

Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!

Leaving me utterly and completely heartbroken.

Let me help you with that.

Let's face it, the gang is over.

Let's go watch wrestlers fight robots.

Let's settle this. You, me and Ted!

Like I said, just let me think about it.

Lily, Lily, wait.

LILY: Great, and now he's falling asleep.

LILY: Ow! His toenails are like daggers.

Listen to me. I'm completely unleashed. I'm the biggest douche on the planet.

Long story short, this exchange student's arms gave out,

Look, guys, Robin and I have to go do our show,

Look, I'm sorry, I got to... I got to think about all this.

Look, if it'll shut you up, I guess we can get married.

Look, let's give this party a chance, okay. There's free food, free booze.

Look, there's something I need to say.

Looking forward to it, buddy.

MAID: Housekeeping.

MAID: It's time to check out.

Marissa Heller, the wicker catalog shopper.

Marissa Heller! Barney Stinson.

Marissa Heller? She must be the woman who lived here before us.

Marissa Heller? She sounds hot.

Marshall, I'm worried.

Marshall, if we were at home with a baby tonight,

MARSHALL: I'd love a sandwich,

MARSHALL: My God, she's a thousand degrees!

MARSHALL: My knee itches.

MARSHALL: Okay, that was pretty funny.

Marshall!

Maybe I just set it down

Me, too. And some light snacking, but that's it.

Mexican Wrestler Ted.

Michael. Javier. Marcello.

Mine, too. I love spicy food. The hotter the better.

MINISTER: Do you, Stella, take Jed Mosley to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Miss Lily, in the living room, with the candlestick.

Mmm.

Movies. Right?

My baggage didn't seem quite so heavy anymore.

My browning torch is broken.

My chair! My chair!

My dad used to make multi grain pancakes.

My dear chap, what else?

My God. I'm out of control.

My gosh, I would never go and see that film.

Night, night, Papa.

No can do's ville, babydoll.

No can do's ville, babydoll.

No can do's ville, babydoll.

No can do's ville, babydoll.

No can do's ville.

No matter how great things are going, sooner or later, it's gonna get ruined.

No to that.

No, but she did at her personal trainer's house.

No, don't change, baby. I think it's sweet.

No, hanging out with one ex is fine. Even two, I'd give a pass.

No, I acted like a total drama queen.

No, I meant do you wanna move in on the couch so I could sit down?

No, no, no, don't, don't. It's working.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

No, no, no, no, no. Tony's not a jerk, not according to the movie, anyway.

No, you can't have kids!

No, you idiot. It's just...

No! No! No! Stop doing that!

No?

No. I have a system.

No. Mini pizzas? Little cups of fries?

No. The but is, there's always gonna be a but.

No. The main event is my pancakes.

No. You know what? No, Ted is not screwed.

Not gave, lent. They said that they would send us a check,

Not seeming so gay now, am I, Donny?

Not that I care. I mean, it's a chick flick.

Nothing. Forget about it.

Now get out of my bed.

Now I want her back.

Now, I wonder if you'd like to join me in the map room,

Now, Lil, you can do this.

Of course.

Of course. "Lyric" baritone, which is actually higher than a dramatic baritone.

Of course. Stands to reason.

Oh, baby.

Oh, Barney, you don't have to worry about Marshall and me having kids.

Oh, come on! You have done tons of stupid stuff to impress Robin.

Oh, except for the food and the ants.

Oh, go on, honey. Kiss him.

Oh, God, you already had the baby!

Oh, God!

Oh, God. Guys, what are you doing?

Oh, guys, no. I could not today. It would just be...

Oh, I miss you, too. Listen, I gotta go. Talk soon. Okay. Bye.

Oh, I'd like that.

Oh, I'm drawing a blank here. How did that work out again?

Oh, I'm sorry. That was a blast. And you're great.

Oh, look, don't be. It's like we never dated.

Oh, my God, Ted, this is how it starts!

Oh, my God! Look, I just got a text from Robin.

Oh, my God! We just got twin beds.

Oh, my God. That was so good! I'm laughing. I'm crying.

Oh, no.

Oh, Oh. Great, great.

Oh, spicy tuna with jalapeno! My favorite!

Oh, Ted's not...

Oh, that's great.

Oh, Tony, all I've wanted all my life was your love.

Oh, uh, no reason.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. "He"?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I got this one, left.

Oh, we're out of milk.

Oh, you meant the beds. No, I don't wanna do that.

Oh, you'll go all right.

Oh! Excuse me. Jefferson, darling!

Oh! How great was The Wedding Bride?

Oh! How was it?

Oh! It means everything.

Oh! What about when he got beat up by the goat?

Oh! You know, a poetry reading.

Oh.

Okay, are you sure it's about you? Because when I saw Spaceballs

Okay, don't get me wrong, Cher puts on a hell of a show.

Okay, guys, huddle up.

Okay, he definitely said it that time.

Okay, how about this? We agree there's no sense in having a baby

Okay, Lily, you leave me no choice.

Okay, okay. In my defense,

Okay, so, when we finally see Barney's doppelganger,

Okay, who are we kidding? She's with Don now.

Okay, why don't you leave a full carton to remind us we don't have to buy milk?

Okay, you're right. There's no hurry.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Wait. How about this? How about this?

Okay. Well, for whatever it's worth, I think that we're ready.

OLDER TED: And just like that, a picture began to take shape.

OLDER TED: And just like that, kids,

OLDER TED: And that's when I realized

OLDER TED: And that's when I realized Robin had failed to tell Don

OLDER TED: And then, somebody did.

OLDER TED: And then, something amazing happened.

OLDER TED: Aunt Lily still likes to remind Uncle Marshall he once said this.

OLDER TED: Here's how it worked out.

OLDER TED: I looked and looked and looked,

OLDER TED: Kids, I think I told you how earlier that year

OLDER TED: Kids, I'd love to tell you that over the years,

OLDER TED: Kids, the letter was a device I'd invented

OLDER TED: Kids, when you're in your 20s, dating is great.

OLDER TED: Kids, you know where this is going.

OLDER TED: Kids, your Aunt Robin had only been dating Don a short while,

OLDER TED: Now he knew.

OLDER TED: So I was resolved to put The Wedding Bride

OLDER TED: So the big night arrived.

OLDER TED: So, that night, your Uncle Barney and I sat down

OLDER TED: So, when Barney and Robin broke up the previous fall...

OLDER TED: Still not saying "kiss."

OLDER TED: That night, on my date with Royce,

OLDER TED: That's how it had always been for me with the gang.

OLDER TED: That's when I realized everyone has baggage, including me.

OLDER TED: Um, Uncle Barney didn't say "kiss."

OLDER TED: Who was Marissa Heller?

OLDER TED: Yeah, it's there.

Once he even fell asleep while we were doing it. I mean...

One and two, bang!

One of us just needs to pretend to be Marissa Heller.

One word, made up. Douche pocalypse.

One, you promise to always love me more than the baby.

Only women with major baggage go into porn.

Ooh! Can we come? Ted, you wanna see it again, right?

Ooh.

Or 9:40 because I have that meeting, but I can probably get out of it,

Or is it an issue of access?

Or literally.

Or, in the original Italian...

Or, stay with me,

Otherwise, I have some follow up questions.

Ouch!

Our first stop, the Alberta building.

Our new sleeping arrangement is only gonna bring us closer together.

Plus, the guy's a loser with a dead end job.

Probably more than you do.

Ready for what?

Really? 'Cause the last time I looked past a girl's baggage,

Really? A colleague of mine just prescribed Coumadin to the Dutch ambassador.

Really? Because there actually is a poem I'd like to recite.

Remember how I proposed to Stella?

Right behind a movie of him riding a horse in slow motion through a field of turnips.

Right, right, that was after you left.

Right.

Ringworm ilicious.

Robin never told Don she had dated Barney.

Robin Stinson!

Robin, I brought you the blue French horn!

Robin, I wanna win you back!

Robin, of the four people you consider your best friends in New York,

ROBIN: Oh, sweet.

Robin! Robin, I love you!

Robin's marrying Don! I'm gonna die alone!

ROBOT: Is that all you got, bitch?

Robots vs. Wrestlers is our most important tradition as a group!

Robots vs. Wrestlers!

Rumor is, Louis Lamar Skullnick, the architect who designed this building,

Run tell dat.

Say your name is Marissa Heller, and we are golden.

SECRETARY ON INTERCOM: Mr. Mosley, your fiancée is here.

See, I wanna have sex with her at least one more time!

See, Marshall, this is what I mean.

Seriously, I have not been able to find a girl

Sex.

She fine.

She is mine!

She must be remembering to go to the dentist

She said no? How could she say no?

She was smart, beautiful...

She's not yours! And she's not mine, either.

Sir, you need to leave, now!

Smoked foie gras with caramelized mango and crème fraîche?

So embarrassing. I forgot something.

So I think I'm gonna skip Robots vs. Wrestlers.

So is spaghetti your specialty?

So let's try for the 7:10.

So Marshall gave them our address.

So that's Marissa Heller, huh.

So they're at the wedding.

So why don't you have a seat on the couch, watch some television,

So, anyone been watching The Young and the Restless?

So, Barney's your ex and you still hang out with him?

So, do you guys remember anything from last night?

So, do you guys remember anything from last night?

So, I'm banging this Portuguese contortionist

So, just to be clear,

So, look, the point is you both are clearly very important to Robin.

So, Ted, where did those chums of yours scoot off to?

So, what are we doing?

So, what did you say?

So, what's going on with Robin?

So, why don't we all have dinner tomorrow night at my place?

Somehow sex and sleep got all jumbled together,

Something I need to say.

Something I need to say.

Sorry, buddy, all's fair.

Sorry, New York. I had to take that. Now, where were we?

Sorry, Ted. You're screwed.

Sorry.

Sorry. Go ahead.

Sounds terrible.

Spit it out, Barney! Spit it out!

Stella, I promised to make you my wife. And I'd like to live up to that promise.

Stella, if you still truly love me,

Stella, your happiness is the only thing I care about,

STELLA: I...

Stinson out.

Stupid rule.

Such a great party! Such a great party!

Super mild.

Sure you can stick to the small talk, and pretend it's not there,

Sure.

Suzanne. Hey, Deng. Let me help you with that.

Sweet, sweet, sweet mother of God. He's an idiot sometimes.

Take that, Ted Mosby.

Ted and Robin?

Ted Scherbatsky! I'll take her name. I don't care.

Ted, are you okay?

Ted, everyone has baggage, you just gotta look past it.

Ted, I think you need to tell Royce

Ted, if you don't come to Robots vs. Wrestlers,

Ted, it's not that big of a deal.

Ted, look, what happened with Stella was awful.

Ted, this isn't happening.

Ted, we got our first mail delivery!

Ted, what's up?

Ted, your lyric baritone is outstanding.

TED: I can't believe this.

TED: That spontaneous moment in the arcade.

TED: When I squeezed an entire romantic evening

Ted? There you are.

Ted's allowed to have a life outside of the group. We all are.

Ted's calling you? He's in trouble, all right!

Ted's gone, Robin's gone.

Ted's gonna get eaten by cats!

Ted's not gonna be around a lot.

Ted's not what?

Ted's on the other line, and I think he's in trouble.

Teddy Bear! Barn Door!

Thank you, Will Shortz.

That baggage belonged to a girl named Stella, and...

That depends. Does it say anything on that invitation

That hasn't been struck since W.S. Gilbert hit it

That is ridiculous. And I'll tell you why.

That movie y'all love so much.

That mystery began when Marshall and I first moved in together.

That ought to do it.

That reminds me, I killed my brother

That spring, I had just started dating a girl named Royce.

That stuff that happened to me,

That way, when you miss Robin, and you will,

That's a long way down the road.

That's exactly what it is, according to the Web site!

That's hysterical. Move over, Adolf Hitler. There's a new king of comedy.

That's my favorite book of madrigals!

That's normal.

That's not offensive, right?

That's the universe telling us it's go time,

That's what passes for comedy these days?

That's why I live with my brother now.

The last time was because I blew all our money on online poker.

The only thing we don't know is what she looks like.

The picture's become a little clearer.

The story of what happened with you and Stella.

The wedding's in 15 minutes. I'll never make it.

Then there's just a bunch of drawings of boobs.

There is only one street where that is normal.

There was Lesbian Robin.

There was Mustache Marshall.

There's still time.

They don't make fart noises every time I open my mouth.

They're actually more of a burgundy.

This chili is like an ice cube in my mouth.

This is a terrible movie! And it got everything wrong.

This is exactly how it happened. He got every part right.

This is how it starts! I'm scared, Teddy, I'm scared, Teddy!

This is outrageous! Who the kiss are you?

This movie is the whole story of our breakup.

This one will probably drag me to it, like the 7:10 show tomorrow night,

Three times.

Three, that may involve the baby falling from a two story window

To be a sanctuary for sleep and sleep alone.

To be nice. Didn't cost nothing.

To have a calm, rational discussion, about who deserved Robin more.

To make sure that Don feels a part of the group.

To read the letter.

To remind myself why I'd broken up with somebody.

Told you I'd get us in.

Tony Grafanello, showed up, declared his love for her,

TONY: This girl in the white wedding dress...

Too nice? That is the worst kind of baggage.

Totally weird. It's almost like someone

Totally! I mean, the guy's life was shattered in a very public humiliation.

Totally. Totally. All right, well, technically, that is the correct...

Tradition? We've never done this before.

Twenty minutes, then we can leave.

Twin beds? We can't sleep in separate beds.

Two, once a month I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.

Uh, Robin. I know, she moved in with her boyfriend,

Unfortunately...

Until we went to go see a movie.

Until we've seen all five doppelgangers, right?

Up top and down low!

Wait a minute. Why are you saying that all of a sudden?

Wait, I thought you said you had a tiny studio apartment.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Who's the fifth ticket for?

Wanna push them together?

We are popular.

We both love a good Scotch.

We didn't all drift apart a little at one time or another.

We got a wicker furniture catalog, also for Marissa Heller.

We gotta go to this party.

We had seen some doppelgangers of ourselves around town.

We have ants one time.

We have the same job, Barney.

We just have to accept that, and move on.

We met at that gathering for bird owners.

We might as well just go our separate ways.

We never would've seen Ted's doppelganger.

We share her.

We should get a third bed just for sex.

We should go complain.

We slept for 18 hours.

We still all get together every year for Robots vs. Wrestlers.

We were drunk and stupid.

We were on our way here,

We'll be blind taste testing French whites in a bit.

We'll even let you recite all the douchey poems you want,

We'll have two sleep beds, a sex bed,

We're supposed to taste wedding cakes this afternoon, remember?

We've got a golf magazine for Marissa Heller.

Well, according to the movie...

Well, actually, I'm not sure that's true.

Well, aren't you gonna give me a ring?

Well, for starters, it's now the fifth highest grossing movie of all time.

Well, here's how it went in the movie.

Well, I decant miss that.

Well, I guess I'll forward this along like I've been forwarding along

Well, I guess we won't be having crème brûlée tonight.

Well, I hope you're happy.

Well, I just wanted... I mean, that's... Everyone wants to know.

Well, I think you should move in with him.

Well, I'll be pretty happy if Royce's only baggage is that she's too nice.

Well, I'm just glad that we met young enough that I don't have any baggage.

Well, let me help you out.

Well, look, I'm gonna stay. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Well, maybe I wasn't done playing with it.

Well, my ex wife and I thought they'd be a good idea,

Well, of course, hell is an interesting concept, isn't it?

Well, okay, let's... We're three dates in. She seems nice.

Well, okay. But who hasn't?

Well, she's made her choice.

Well, sweetie, this does seem kind of fast.

Well, Ted and Robin broke up years ago. It's a non issue.

Well, that night, one more doppelganger surfaced.

Well, then, right this way. We're all together.

Well, this is how it starts.

Well, wait, that "great" didn't sound so great.

Well, we owe you an apology, too, Don.

Well, well. Look who thinks he can just waltz in here,

Well, yeah.

Well, you can forget it.

Well, you're just kicking me out?

Well, you're no picnic in bed, either.

What a hoot!

What a jerk. Did he at least get someone hot to play me?

What about our big romantic weekend?

What is wrong with you people?

What?

What's this envelope? Is this a wedding invitation?

What's to stop them from coming to our apartment one night,

When I find out what her baggage is.

When one evening, out of nowhere...

When she turns 30.

Where's this TV you've been bragging about?

Where's...

Which is exactly what Truffaut was talking about

Who can do that position since Robin.

Who doesn't appreciate what he has in this beautiful, wedding bride.

Who wants another drink? I'm buying.

Who would actually date a guy like that.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! "I'm falling back in my chair."

Whoa! Ted, please tell me you are not impugning emotional baggage.

Whoa.

Why do you guys hang out with me?

Why don't you say something to him?

Why not?

Why would you assume that?

Why? So you can kick me and slap me all night?

Why? Why does it even have to?

Willem Dafoe.

Willem. Dafoe!

Willem. Dafoe!

Willem. Dafoe!

Willem. Dafoe!

Willem. Dafoe!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Winter, spring or fall

With my ex boyfriends all the time.

With one of her exes all the time.

With that big heavy bag they're carrying, and they just walk on by.

With this joke I told him last night.

Wow, I am not dressed for this.

Wow, it feels so good to have told you all that stuff about me.

Wow, this is weird. I've never gotten this far.

Wow, you give up easy. Game, set, match.

Wow! This building is amazing!

Wow. Ted, can I talk to you just for a second?

Wow. That was really mean. I think you owe us an apology.

Wow. We almost let that get out of control.

Write yourself a letter.

Wrong game. But correct.

Yeah, and he was friends with one of his exes...

Yeah, and the good guy is a guy named Ted Mosby.

Yeah, but I bet you didn't have another bed just for sex.

Yeah, but if you were dating someone

Yeah, I did, but I don't anymore, 'cause I'm over her.

Yeah, I'll go with you in just a sec.

Yeah, the guy that Stella left me for.

Yeah, totally. Ted, it's time to go. It's Robots vs. Wrestlers o'clock!

Yeah, well, we gave it a chance. It's been 20 minutes.

Yeah, yes, bus crash.

Yeah, you gotta go.

Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna march down there and demand another room.

Yeah! A three way.

Yeah.

Yeah. I just think you all might be interested to learn something about

Yeah. I mean, I see how happy you are.

Yeah. It was good.

Yeah. That's what I meant, too.

Yes!

Yes! A mini fridge and separate beds.

Yes! A sex bed! A dirty, dirty sex bed!

You actually used Jed Mosley's catchphrase?

You can do it, sensei. Go give love a roundhouse kick right in the heart.

You can re apply in two years. Marshall, Lily.

You can remind yourself why you broke up.

You can't talk to me like that. I'm Ted Mosley!

You can't treat New York City like it's the small, friendly, crime free, inbred,

You dated Ted, too?

You don't mean for it to happen, but it does.

You don't want to bring a child into this crazy, messed up world.

You ever do this back in Japan?

You find out pretty fast everyone has baggage.

You guys are gonna love this.

You guys are right. I'm totally overreacting to this whole Robin thing.

You guys, that's the most beautiful building in Manhattan.

You guys, you gotta try this Syrah.

You have pretty hair. That's what's up.

You just won't let yourself go there.

You knew what this was.

You know how I've been saying, "They always use Ulee from Ulee's Gold

You know PORN, Parents Offering Recreation and Nutrition.

You know who published a great article on Walt Whitman

You know, I actually sound kind of douchey.

You know, I have a confession to make. We're not on the guest list.

You know, look, we love each other, we're financially stable

You know, there's a telling moment in the second act of La Bohème...

You know, this elevator still uses the same mechanism

You know, when I heard your roommate was a single guy,

You said, "No can do's ville, babydoll"?

You see, everyone's got some baggage. It's part of life.

You soiled yourself from both ends of your body.

You still talking about the beds?

You want her back just as much as I do.

You were right. She was just mad.

You're like a little kid who throws a toy away

You're ready.

You're right, Marshall. I gotta go get her.

You're right.

You're right. What am I doing?

You've slept with 50% of them.

Young man, that gong is a 500 year old relic

Yup, just the two of us. You should see how he hogs the covers.

"Dear Future Barney..." Ooh!

(ALL LAUGHING) So funny. What a loser.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Oh!

(MAKES FARTING NOISE) (BOTH LAUGHING)

A long time ago... A long time ago,

all the other... Okay. Oh, just open it.

ALL: Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him... Kiss him, kiss him, kiss him...

ALL: No! No!

ALL: Porn. Porn.

And I'd like to live up to that promise. And I'd like to live up to that promise.

And now she's with some jerk... And now she's with this jerk

And we couldn't be prouder of you, angel. Ugh.

And? And? Your ink is in.

Appletini for the gentleman. Thank you.

Awesome! Give him some milk!

Awful. Terrible.

Because he had it coming. Mmm hmm.

Because of the vowels. It's because of the vowels!

Because she seems nice! She does seem nice!

Because she's the love of your life! Because she's...

But... Exactly. That's the problem.

Can do's ville, babydoll. STELLA: Can do's ville, babydoll.

Check it. Don't...

Don, they're just my friends. Yeah, but they're also your exes.

DON: You want to go? Yeah.

Don. Hi.

Encyclopaedia. Encyclopaedia.

for the first time, I could've sworn... This movie is about me, Marshall.

Good night, boys. Good night.

Grandmother issues. Definitely do not.

Great grandmother issues. I just don't like it when she picks me up.

GUESTS: Kiss him, kiss him... Kiss him, kiss him...

Guys, it's not gonna happen. I got this.

He's making me Chinese. I'll assume you're talking about food.

Here. Put this on your finger. Hey!

Hey, guys. Hey, Don.

Hey, guys. Hey, how'd the date with Royce go?

Hey! Hey!

Hey. Hey, Ted, your calligraphy teacher called.

Hi. Hello.

Holy crap! I don't believe it!

I let a horrible girl named Stella... ...I let this beautiful girl named Stella...

I mean, you can see it ahead. In the vast, vast distance.

I promised to make you my wife. ...I promised to make you some pancakes.

I want you to do what's right for you. Oh!

I wanted to see A vatar again. TED: All right, that's it.

I... Stella!

I... Whoa! Spoilers!

I'm considering it. You're considering it?

I'm Jed Mosley! I'm Jed Mosley. But, Royce...

I'm really falling back in my chair. LILY: Baby.

in this beautiful, wedding bride. ...that movie is called The Wedding Bride.

It was written by Tony Grafanello. Tony Grafanello? That's...

Just like you are. You are not over her.

Kiss this. Kissing movie's over, anyway. Sir!

Let me see that. Hey, hey, give it to me.

Let's get out of here. Where's Ted? Yeah.

lf I move in. lf you move in.

LILY: (SIGHING) Mmm. Mmm.

Listen, Barney, I... Please be part of the gang again!

Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! We're going to see it again tomorrow.

Major baggage. Major baggage.

Maybe North Korea. Nope.

Mini quiche? Where? Right there.

MINISTER: Go on, honey. Kiss him. Go on, honey. Kiss him.

Mother issues. I do not.

No! I stole her a blue French horn!

No. But it says open bar. Revised agenda for Saturday night.

No. Ted, hang on. Okay.

Nope. Get over here.

Oh, God, you're pregnant! No!

Oh, Ted, you're such a good guy. That was really nice.

Oh, that was so sweet. So romantic.

Oh, that was so sweet. So romantic.

Oh! A Skullnick fan? Well...

Okay. Okay.

Papa? Rise and shine, jackasses!

Really? I didn't see any. You might wanna get in the right lane.

Robin Stinson! Robin Mosby!

ROBIN: What's that movie about, anyway? That's the interesting part.

Robin? Hmm.

Robots vs. Wrestlers? That is awesome!

Royce? Stella?

Royce... Stella,

See you guys. Bye.

She's Don's. You're right.

Stella, if you still truly love me... Royce, if you still kind of like me...

STELLA: ... was your love. ...was some pancakes.

STELLA: Tony, all I've wanted all my life... Ted, all I've wanted all week...

Still not gay. Sorry.

Ted? Tony!

Ted? Yeah?

Thanks. You're welcome.

Thanks. You're welcome.

That was nice. Yeah.

The Wedding Bride is about you? Yeah.

then Ted... Gets married.

They're pretty great. They're pretty great. So?

This ink is cool. Right? Right?

this isn't me. TONY: ... this isn't you.

Tony! Tony?

Tony? Ted?

Wasabi! I wouldn't, Barney, no.

We both enjoy my compelling stories. Yeah.

We got to get rid of that guy. Yeah.

We missed four pre paid meals. I lost 11 pounds.

We said some pretty hurtful things. No, you didn't.

Well, I am stunned. Right.

Well, she gots to go. What?

What are you saying? JED: You can't talk to me like that.

What is it, too much? Too little?

What? Nothing.

Who needs? Who needs? Who needs? I'm good. I'm good.

who wrote a movie about it and... ...who doesn't appreciate what he has

Wicker lovers? No.

Write that down. What?

Yeah, come on, Barney. It's just one night. It doesn't mean anything.

Yeah. Yeah, maybe you're right.

Yeah. You barely know him.

Yeah. You know, figuratively.

Yeah. I'm okay with that. Okay.

You can't? You can't?

You do? Yeah.

You get it now? Yeah, I get it.

You said it was his catchphrase. They dragged me to it. I didn't wanna go.

You son of a bitch! Robin!

You're kidding, right? No.

You're not in it. (SIGHING) What a jerk.

You've heard of Robots vs. Wrestlers? Never!

...and our sex life is terrible.

...break my heart. ...get away.

...can you let me make you my wedding bride?

...can you let me make you some pancakes?

...Iliard trained violinist, walked into a bar.

...this doofus in the red cowboy boots,

'cause I wanted to play with some other stuff for a second!

"A ruddy drop of manly blood The surging sea outweighs

"A ruddy drop of manly blood The surging sea outweighs"

"And all the cool stuff you can do with boobs?

"and beat you senseless in front of a cheering crowd.

"because of the vowels"? Well, tell them, Will, tell them.

"But don't mention your plan to Ted, 'cause he'll just screw it up again."

"but remember other women?

"But she doesn't wanna be in a serious relationship.

"But to follow virtue and knowledge."

"Consider your origins. You were not born to live like brutes.

"current occupant." That's us! We've got mail!

"Dear Future Barney, you think you want Robin back again, but you really don't.

"Dear Future Ted, never get back with Karen because she's a pretentious snob.

"Dear Future Ted, stay away from Natalie,

"Dear Relationship Genius,

"Dear Ted, Robin is the perfect girl for you.

"Did he buy it? Good.

"For my biographer"?

"Good"? Try instant classic. The only thing wrong with it,

"I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic."

"I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

"It just didn't work. Sure, you'll always love Robin,

"Let her go. Sincerely, Past Barney."

"More importantly, remember other boobs?

"Now get back together with Robin.

"Nuzzle, juggle, honka honka.

"Oh, also, she cheated on you.

"or any girl who can pin you to the ground

"our first kiss,

"P.S. Please consult a therapist about why that turned you on a little bit."

"See, we're already laughing about it."

"so until Robin's ready for that next step, she's not your girl.

"Stella left you at the altar.

"Still, I'll always remember stealing her the blue French horn,

"the look in her eye when she told me she loved me."

"The world uncertain comes and goes"

"Were a terrible couple.

"You and Robin..."

"You may never love again and will probably die alone."

"You need someone who wants to settle down,

(ALL CHATTERING)

(ALL CHATTERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL MAKING FARTING NOISES)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(BARNEY MAKES FARTING NOISE)

(BOTH EX CLAIMING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH SIGH)

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

(COOING)

(DRUNKENLY) Rule number 83,

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMING)

(EX CLAIMS)

(EX CLAIMS)

(EX CUSES HIMSELF IN ITALIAN)

(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)

(EXHALES IN RELIEF)

(GASPING)

(GASPS) Awesome! Who ordered Soap Opera Illustrated?

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GROANS) What's the point? He's from Minnesota.

(GROWLING SUGGESTIVELY)

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTS)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATES WHIP)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS) Oh, guys, I'm flattered. But I think Lily should do it.

(LAUGHS) Why would he write a movie about that?

(LILY GASPING)

(LILY LAUGHING)

(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

(MAKES FARTING NOISE)

(MAKES LOUD FARTING NOISE)

(MARSHALL CHEERING)

(MARSHALL LAUGHING)

(METALLIC CLANGING)

(ROBOT WHIRRING)

(SCREAMING)

(SHOUTING) Robin!

(SHOUTING) Robin!

(SHUSHING)

(SHUSHING) Two guys talking. Just two guys talking.

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) Correct again! Bravo, boy.

(SINGING) It should be boredom by now

(SLURPING)

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPITTING)

(STUTTERING) Well, it's kind of soon, but, sure, I would consider moving in here.

(TED CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(THUDDING)

(WRESTLER GRUNTING)