Disenchantment (2018) - Season 1 Edit

A delicate flower like yourself has no place aboard...

A fairy? Maybe she can help us. Do you do magic?

A king? From where?

A lot of people died for it.

A noble's daughter from a far off land,

A real elf, that is.

A real legendary caper. We could use your help.

A real nice place with ponies, or whatever crap you like.

A shiny gold Zog to whoever seizes the elf.

A war you'd have to fight with most of your cabinet turned to stone.

A way in.

A weird ghost guy is attacking and complimenting me.

According to the holy books, your first mistake was educating her.

Actually, "well" is a bit of an overstatement.

Actually, "well" is an overstatement.

Actually, a lot further?

Actually, I'm sorry. That's just so heavy, you know?

Actually, it belonged to my no good ex husband, Malfus.

Actually, sorry, I'm late for a crusade.

Affection.

After my brother was poisoned, I'd been so careful,

After my mom died, I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, really.

After the witch imprisoned you for so many years.

Ah, also maybe.

Ah, Beanie, it's so hard to know what to do without yellin'.

Ah, come on!

Ah, Dagmar, you were my perfect queen.

Ah, fascinating.

Ah, here we are.

Ah, I should've done something earlier, but now, I got no choice.

Ah, I shoulda never let you glue those stars on your dunce cap.

Ah, I'm just screwing with you, liven things up a little.

Ah, my dreams are this close to coming true.

Ah, no one's too creepy for my daughter.

Ah, now we're talking.

Ah, only weak minded men fall for that.

Ah, screw team spirit. Those elves stole my stash.

Ah, that unforgettable stench of manure and boiling cabbage.

Ah, that's why humans tend to avoid it.

Ah, there you are, my love. I've come to take you back to our wedding.

Ah, to hell with it. Bean may be crazy, but she's right.

Ah, to think all the classy old bats in this family led right to Bean.

Ah, whatever. I'm gonna go lay down in the window.

Ah, you. You ruined everything I worked for.

Ah, your talking cat's here to keep you company.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! Uh.

Ah! You can't do this, man. I want my lawyer.

Ah.

Ah. Let's have a look at this no good pile of scum.

Ah. Not so hard!

Ah...

Ah...

Ahh!

All aboard the party barge! I hope you like fun and soggy pretzels.

All hail Dankmire.

All hands, brace fer mermaids! And their irresistible song.

All I care about is this sweet, precious elf.

All I wanted to do was dance in the arms of someone beautiful,

All I've ever eaten is candy.

All in.

All it took was one drop of elf blood.

All right, but I'll need 20 minutes and a big glass of milk

All right, favorite food on three.

All right, I know you're still in shock that my mom is back.

All right, the creepy laughter has to stop before we can have a real conversation.

All right, we got a big day tomorrow. Let's grab one last drink for the road

All right, you did good.

All right.

All right. But you'll come get me later?

All right. Stick her down there, and bring me a nice hunk of Gorgonzola.

All right. Well, I'm off to get my first job, guys.

All right. Wish me luck.

All that malarkey with the magic elf blood actually paid off.

All the confetti cannons in the world couldn't save us now.

All the money I poured into yelling at you.

All this time I didn't know I had a son!

All this wedding hassle for a stupid political alliance?

All three? Even smoke?

All we have to do is find a way out before they...

All will be forgiven as long as you obey the Jolly Code.

All you need is my guidance.

All your favorites: poached dodo eggs, unicorn bacon and waffles.

Allow me. [grunts]

Allow this girl to resume her humble life of obedience and sobriety and chastity.

Almighty ball, is Oona still in Dreamland?

Almost everyone's dancing. [chuckles] I mean...

Almost.

Along with this priceless sack of elf.

Also of Dreamland.

Also practical.

Also, they're kinda plague y and I just..

Am I a bad person?

Am I not a real elf?

Amused by your wittle twousers.

An elf with a human girl? That ain't right.

An exorcism, huh? [groans] I don't like the sound of that.

An eye. Your eye is missing!

An old girlfriend of mine used to work the mountain.

And a bunch of friendly drunks down at the pub.

And after all that, we fell for each other, hard.

And after you kill him we can hide the body.

And all it took was some loving banishment.

And all of a sudden, she gave me a right hook,

And by season, I mean fall or summer, or whatever this is.

And Dankmire and Dreamland share the beautiful canal

And do you, Princess Tiabeanie, a single woman,

And drive him mad with your indecisiveness.

And elves are never supposed to bring outsiders.

And even if you do find a way to live for eternity,

And even then, it was one guy.

And find Elfo!

And gravy.

And help me up, I'm beetle ing.

And her smart mouthed cat, too.

And I am not letting him stand on my feet again.

And I came out perfect.

And I didn't want you to feel guilty.

And I enter a state of semi permanent pregnancy...

And I got roasted alive. I guess we all did our part.

And I never have to work. And people have to do what I say.

And I promise to never have another drink.

And I thought, what if our love could actually be eternal?

And I would never call you that even if you were!

And I'd like to lock you in the tower until we sort things out.

And I'd risk their lives on it.

And I'll finally get the respect a man of my hat deserves!

And I'll try to decipher your accent?

And I'll use them to bite out your spinal cord.

And I'm like, "Now where am I gonna live?" Rude.

And I'm not going anywhere without you, Bean.

And I'm not just making it up on the spot.

And if we succeed, how shall I be rewarded?

And in this kingdom, that's sayin' something.

And it only got perfecter

And it says...

And it's charting a course for Mermaid Island.

And keen to experience more of your local culture. What's next?

And leads to the decay and ultimate collapse of civilization.

And may all ill will between elves and humans be behind us.

And may I say what a deep honor it is to assist His Majesty in this most...

And maybe on the way, yourselves.

And mocked me ruthlessly

And my beloved Dagmar was turned to stone.

And my daughter has a dangerous drinking problem."

And my daughter has a dangerous drinking problem."

And neither of these looks like me.

And now for Elfo...

And now you got bupkis!

And now you shall lose a foot,

And now you're never gonna un know it.

And now, our guests of honor.

And now, the main event.

And on the exhale, Elfo will tell us more about his girlfriend.

And once he found the Eternity Pendant, things went south.

And Queen Dagmar? [laughs]

And Queen Oona is the mother of Derek, the heir to the throne.

And remember everything from the night before.

And replace them with worse ones.

And say something I'll have figured out by the time I get there.

And see if there's any attractive singles in our area waiting to talk to you.

And she lives beyond the Unpassable Mountains?

And she never does neither. Gimme my damn scepter.

And she was all I'd ever wanted.

And since that time, I've become less and less important to you

And so is mine, if you live.

And so the demonic binding begins.

And some would say overflowing with revulsion...

And spend my remaining years tending to my twin sister who lives in the attic.

And take Elfo, so I know you're not having any fun.

And that, my friend, is how one returns a gift.

And that's [stutters] I don't want to marry this pig.

And that's when I discovered

And the bar is closed.

And the marriage of convenience.

And the one surefire way to unleash your creative juice is with creative juice.

And the residents were instantly turned to stone.

And the rest of you, too. [groans] Odval, you're in charge.

And the smell of horse.

And the tell tale odor of Dreamland ditch weed.

And the war only ended when a certain King Zog of Dreamland, your dad,

And their contents.

And their son slash nephew,

And then the pressure to sustain the lie? Oh, God, it was a nightmare.

And then the witch kidnapped you?

And there's nothing he hasn't touched,

And there's only one way to find the answer.

And there's something huge on top of me. Feels like a bear!

And this is the iron maiden, and this is the book of golf jokes.

And this one's so poisonous you can't even hold it in a bottle. [chuckles]

And thus, the 500 year war was over,

And to find a boyfriend who's a great listener.

And under the table.

And we only lost one man. That's actually not bad.

And we'll be taking these nice horsies.

And we'll track down Oona.

And wear it around from time to time, so people think he's still alive.

And weren't sure our 17th dog was going to solve our problems.

And what a lovely tunic.

And what is your charge?

And what you got are serious problems in the face and body areas.

And whatever that thing is you said about your mom.

And whenever you're ready, we'll get you a new pet.

And while I am a fan of such worlds,

And who are you, that you passed through the Single Trap with Two Parts?

And who is that?

And who knows what I'm gonna do to you now. [chuckles]

And who's that statuesque sugar stack?

And would a racist do this?

And you ain't coming back 'til you appreciate

And you allowed that amphibian to raise my precious Tiabeanie?

And you and I can look at each other and try not to laugh.

And you don't want to mix those up, believe me.

And you took that away.

And you were there and... Oh, drugs are bad.

And you, you're so kind,

And you. You're not at all what you seem. You're a prince.

And you. You've only got bigger...

And your hair smells like butterscotch, but you're wrong!

And your name is Sven and you're a Viking,

And your necklace. And didn't you have...

And your pet swans? And your little sled for your toy bear?

And your sassy friend, the talking cat.

And, Elfo, it's like you don't appreciate your assembly line job.

And, time permitting, meet you.

And?

And... doink.

Announcing the King and Queen of Bentwood,

Any attack against Queen Oona

Any one of us could be next.

Any other requests?

Anybody looks at her, they get their head chopped off.

Anyone not tied down better plug your ears.

Anyone seen Sorcerio?

Anyone want this meat? I only eat it for the shells.

Anything but the Pepper Jack.

Anything goes!

Anything goes.

Anything?

Anything... goes.

Anything's safer than guarding that princess.

Anyway, enough about every detail of my life.

Anyway, I've read it before.

Are we standing in that moment right now? Maybe.

Are you kidding me? This stuff looks amazing

Are you Malfus the Philosopher?

Are you saying I'm some kind of hero?

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Are you trying to say testicles?

Are you turning green? Or were you already green?

Aren't ambassadorships usually just given to rich chumps

Arms up!

Arr, you'll want to put the wax in before you hear me answer.

As a friend and lover, there is none truer than you.

As ambassador, I have to remind you

As Elfo nears it, the vial will give off a tone.

As I flush out your demon.

As I take this boot and all that's within it.

As I was saying,

As it happens, sire,

As long as everyone remains absolutely silent.

As long as it's not..

As Merkimer's fiancée, I'd like to say a few words.

As the subject of barbaric medical experiments...

As they inevitably will,

As you reach maturity, you will notice many more changes.

As you wish, Father.

At least give us something to remember you by.

At least I'm not ugly on the inside.

At the sound of the gong, let the ritual begin.

Attention on the party barge!

Aw, aren't you sweet, darling?

Aw, baby's cranky. Baby does need a nap.

Aw, Beanie. If there's anything I can do...

Aw, here's the world's smallest lute

Aw, I think he looks cute, like the mayor of Babyville.

Aw, I'm not a god.

Aw, jeez. What are you doing?

Aw, that sweet, poor little bastard with the funny head.

Aw, yes, you are.

Aw! Really?

Aw.

Aye, 'twas held together mainly by stains.

Aye, their siren song is done for now.

Baby doesn't wanna get killed by her daddy.

Back looks good. And just a cursory glance at the bottom tier.

Bad Elfo doesn't really exist.

Bad shot, mate!

Bah!

Bah! To hell with them!

Be careful what you wish for.

Be gone, damn you!

Bean hasn't been the same since she lost her mom.

Bean, did... did you just kiss me?

Bean, do you prefer Elfo?

Bean, go to your room while we decide what to do with you.

Bean, I should've confessed this a long time ago, but I was too ashamed.

Bean, I'll miss you!

Bean, it's really you.

Bean, look at me. Don't look at me, look at the corpses.

Bean, no!

Bean, thank this nice creep so he'll move along.

Bean, wait. If we come home without the vial,

Bean, you doing anything weird in here I should know about?

Bean, you ever see a guy eat a whole chicken?

Bean, you have so much to learn and many wonderful things to see.

Bean, you poor baby!

Bean, you're a natural. And I've seen you torture.

Bean!

Bean!

Bean! Bean! Grab my hand! As your future husband, I command it.

Bean! Behind you.

Bean! If you're out there, say something!

Bean! No!

Bean?

Bean?

Bean? Bean?

Beanie, make with the eulogy already.

Beanie, make with the eulogy already.

Because I had a great idea.

Because inside there is pain.

Because she is legit and totally real and very special to me!

Because sometimes I feel like a freak, too.

Before I left, I didn't have any idea that my size, my stature, was...

Before spending the rest of your life with the boring, bossy me.

Before today, we had neither riches nor magic.

Behold, guys, the Elixir of Life.

Behold, sire, as I extract a small quantity of blood.

Behold! The Lost City of Cremorrah!

Belay the whacking

Believe me, I kept her on the straight and narrow.

Better than bridesmaids. Better than mothers

Big gal like you like parties?

Big Jo.

Big Jo.

Birdman, activate!

Blasphemer! How dare you bring logic into God's house?

Blessings to you, from your greasy hair to your filthy, ripped up shoes.

Blood ponchos! Get your blood ponchos!

Blood pressure steady as I enter and...

Brace yourselves for the inevitable visualizations.

Bring in the hot tar!

Bunts?

Bunty has been turned to stone, and I just...

Bunty? Why are you throwing trash out your window?

Bunty. Still adorably dim, I see.

Bup, bup, bup. Who has the stick?

Busy. We're at war here.

But a lot of times, people look up from what they're doing.

But against whom, sire?

But all frolicking stays within castle walls.

But as time went on, I was so happy, I just sorta forgot.

But at least we have the elf.

But at the same time, you're being looked at by me

But because Bean had switched the glasses, I lived,

But before we marry

But could you come throw a wet blanket...

But do you? Don't answer unless it's yes.

But he would continue to listen outside the door, unbeknownst to the princess."

But I can't if they're all so scared of my stupid dad.

But I devoted my life to her. I...

But I didn't tell you my name.

But I guess we'll just always be ugly beasts to you.

But I know one thing, and I know it real good,

But I must warn you. He creeps even me out.

But I think she was just being an attention hog.

But I think we can all agree one thing:

But I'm going back to dinner. I'm so hungry.

But I'm gonna need you to jump up and down. Like a monster.

But I've brought up a bottle from the cellar.

But if Bean hadn't switched the glasses around, I'd be...

But if I talk with confidence, you dopes will believe anything I say.

But if it's too snug, you can give it to your fat, wimpy son.

But if you don't find him, maybe I'll introduce you to my son.

But if you ever wanna throw a ball around sometime...

But in the end, it's just a bunch of unprovable nonsense.

But instead of looking for him, I could just hire you

But is this what water's supposed to look like?

But it is your duty as a princess.

But it will come at a great cost!

But it will do you no good to get that vial.

But it's a rather delicate diplomatic mission.

But it's not ham.

But it's not working.

But look. There's a complication. They've been joined by a tiny dork.

But maybe that isn't what you wanted to be.

But more importantly, I am the one and only Luci.

But my mom never lost her head.

But my one solace is knowing I can return to my beautiful candy home.

But not before I got rid of that infernal vial!

But now I'm a pig, and my life's a mess.

But now those things are gone and so are the ladies.

But now, it's all a pipe dream.

But science suggests a more logical explanation:

But she's hurtin'.

But the dangers of Mermaid Island be all too real.

But the eye's not working yet.

But the king wasn't here.

But the worst lies ahead!

But their kingdom is rich in... Well, riches.

But then I shave my head like a true artist.

But then it didn't, so we split.

But these new tests shall reveal its restorative powers.

But they don't like me.

But they really were the best months of my life.

But they're lost, so, it'll be Turbish and Mertz.

But we can mount a crusade to find the vial.

But we can mount a crusade to find the vial.

But we do know of its most recent location.

But we do know of its most recent location.

But we humbly offer it for your sustenance.

But we looked, and it's not there.

But we mustn't let this grave occurrence weigh down our somber hearts.

But we really need to save our friend.

But we'll be okay.

But we're singing.

But what do you expect from someone who's got no control over her own destiny?

But when you two are making love, is she aware?

But yes, definitely.

But you don't have to worry. I won't try anything like that again.

But you have a hidden rage inside you that no one else can see.

But you haven't said anything yet.

But you look like sweet kids. You ever heard of the Wishmaster?

But you were too in love to see it.

But you wouldn't know that because you never asked. Rude.

But you'll never know the truth unless you return to Elfwood.

But you're already... All right.

But you're back!

But you're the only one in here!

But, at one point, I got my head stuck in her eye socket.

But, first, we go live to the courtyard for the return of the knights.

But, hey, hey, hey, Bunts...

But, hey, I escaped and ended up here,

But, ho! Some hair has sprouted in his ear.

But, no. No, not for this guy.

But, with no army, they were forced to resort to magic.

But, you know, I think maybe I...

By a lunatic who doesn't work for the spa?

By a ruthless enemy who will stop at nothing. My wife!

By appointing Ambassador Tiabeanie,

By drinking any old liquid.

By order of your father, you will stand aside, Tiabeanie!

By someone with this symbol on their wagon.

By street dogs.

Called it. Knew it by the pants.

Can I do the thing about having him for dinner?

Can I go, too?

Can I show you around?

Can we have this conversation sitting down?

Can we try running it back a little further?

Can you hear me?

Can you imagine such disrespect?

Can you just tell me about this place,

Can you maybe save this for later, when I can appreciate it?

Can you pass me a pillow?

Can't stand in the splash zone without a blood poncho!

Cancel all other quests.

Candlestick in the conservatory? Candlestick in the face?

Candy? Are you a king?

Careful where you grab me. I grab back! [chuckles]

Carousing, taking her clothes off every chance she gets.

Cash. Leave it on the branch.

Cat thing, I've always been my own man, never needed others for advice.

Certainly no religious sex magic rituals.

Chicks love pathetic.

Children, this is Princess Tiabeanie.

Chowder? It doesn't always have to be nautical references with me.

Civilizations were decimated. History rewritten. Maps redrawn.

Clearly, his people had a wild wingding while he was away.

Clearly, the volume of blood was inadequate.

Clothed and fed and built the finest luxury cage for,

Come along.

Come back later with an open mind.

Come on, Dad. What am I?

Come on, Dad. You can't stand in the way of true love.

Come on, drink up.

Come on, guys.

Come on, hurry up. Hide!

Come on, I dare you to try it.

Come on, man. Parties are where heroes are born.

Come on, this is it.

Come on!

Come on! This is a burglary, not a family reunion.

Come on. Go.

Come on. I'm encouraging you.

Come on. It wasn't my fault. I was just giving orders.

Come on. Liven it up a little.

Come on. This way.

Come on. We've got a long way to go to the Wishmaster's lair.

Come taste my knees, 15 cents.

Come with me!

Come, the candy inside tastes much better. Less bird droppings.

Come, Zoggy. Make a toast.

Coming through. Here she is.

Conceal thyself, demon.

Congratulations, guys.

Congratulations, Your Highness.

Considering that twerp is heir apparent to the throne

Cool night air, sky full of stars...

Cough it out like a demonic loogie.

Could this elf's blood be the key to my wildest dream?

Could you ever go out with a guy who's dinky?

Couple of wallflowers, standing over by the snack table eating chee...

Covering up the indiscretions of those in power is an important part of the job.

Cram him in a cage!

Cremorrah was a kingdom of unimaginable wealth... of snakes.

Cremorrah?

Crime is male dominated, innit?

Cursed are those who consort with demons.

Dad tried for years to find the Elixir of Life.

Dad, come on!

Dad, don't be ridiculous.

Dad, why are you talking like that?

Dad, you can't just cage him. Elves are jolly by nature.

Dad! Dad! You're not gonna believe this! Open up!

Dad?

Dad.

Daddy Elfo, um, slapped me on the bum bum.

Daddy, please, I've learned my lesson.

Daddy, please, I've learned my lesson.

Daddy, why is she going so slow?

Dagmar is the love of my life.

Dagmar?

Damn it!

Damn it! Drop another one!

Damn small print. This had better be the right one.

Damn. Well, it's gonna be another long, lonely night

Dance? Why, I'd be delighted. I love to dance.

Dark chairs.

Deal. Just help me clean.

Deals are made, wallets are lost, people hook up.

Dear God, you've mangled my exquisite face!

Dearly beloved, as we stand here in this overly large building,

Death? No, they'll just all fall into the ocean.

Designed to make us feel small and inadequate,

Dibs

Did anything similar to this fall in?

Did I say I wanted a talking horse? [grunts]

Did I say my party? I meant thy party.

Did it work?

Did you ever stop to think that's because it's true?

Did you know Dreamland forced Dankmire to build this canal?

Did you know that pigs are 80% blood?

Did you make sure to add extra frosting?

Did you wanna maybe dance? No, me neither.

Didn't agree with him, though. Step around and come in.

Didn't you always want a husband that screwed 30 walruses?

Difficulties lately,

Dim as the day is long, Your Majesty.

Ding, ding, ding! Whoo!

Do I detect some kind of mallow? I wanna say marsh.

Do I have an audience with the king this morning?

Do it. Do it, do it, do it!

Do you have any last words?

Do you know what I did for you? What I gave up to get you back?

Do you like ham? This is like ham, but it's not ham.

Do you like short conversations with interesting people?

Do you miss those?

Do you need to be alone?

Do you, Guysbert, most Exalted Prince of Bentwood,

Do you, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood...

Does this voice sound familiar?

Doing God knows what with that elf.

Doink.

Don't be a dummy bear. Elf is dessert meat. It's still cooking.

Don't be modest. You killed these mentally ill siblings fair and square.

Don't be rude, Dad. Let's respect the customs of our colorful hosts.

Don't be sad.

Don't bother. I can't hear nothin'.

Don't flatter yourself, Princess.

Don't forget to take it easy today and drink plenty of water.

Don't give away the game. When Germans laugh, people get nervous.

Don't know how long that is, but you have three days.

Don't let the drawbridge hit your ass on the way out. Ow!

Don't listen to him. You're obviously a great couple.

Don't look at that. You didn't pay for it.

Don't panic. We can slip away unnoticed

Don't rattle the clamps. It enrages me.

Don't say courting. No one's courting. But you can bring me a drink.

Don't touch me.

Don't worry, Ma. I won't let her get away with it.

Don't worry, my liege. His lack of blood has put him in a delirious state.

Don't worry. Every visitor to Dankmire receives a famously warm welcome.

Don't worry. We'll make your cheeks look nice and rosy.

Don't you need something?

Don't you want a magic daddy?

Dreams come true, 'cause I am a solo act now.

Drink the fairy! Drink the fairy!

Drink, sneak out, fib.

Drinking wine with a demon. Not exactly the wedding day I wished for.

Dude, decide what you want, drink till you have the nerve to go for it,

Dude, keep your cape on. Look at the stuff in his nest.

Dude, the truth has been right under your nose the whole time,

Dude, you can't have elf esteem. You're not an elf.

Duh. I already know.

Duh...

Edgar the Fearless is now Edgar the Headless.

Eh, easy. Kill Zog, hollow out his corpse

Eh, I've beheld better.

Eh, Mrs. Mertz looked at me like she was gonna say something.

Eh, teenagers... [chuckling]

Eh, this thing had it coming.

Eh, we gave it a shot.

Eh, we'll give it to Bean.

Eh? [laughs]

Eh? Huh?

Elf defense? Try self defense.

Elf, actually. Common mistake.

Elfo and I had only been friends for a few months,

Elfo and Tess!

Elfo grounded me in reality.

Elfo has been kidnapped!

Elfo has left the building with Bean.

Elfo is dead because of you.

Elfo is hereby banished from Dreamland.

Elfo risked his life getting you that stupid vial!

Elfo will need someone to dance with,

Elfo, don't freak out. Just stay calm.

Elfo, get out of my room.

Elfo, I didn't know you were coming back.

Elfo, I owe you an apology, man. I totally saw your girlfriend back there.

Elfo, I'm gonna kill you.

Elfo, I've never said this before, but I can't go all the way.

Elfo, it's okay, really.

Elfo, Luci, let's show these yokels how we city folk do things.

Elfo, no! It is forbidden.

Elfo, speak to me. Elfo!

Elfo, stay with me

Elfo, that's not possible.

Elfo, this is not over! Stay... [muffled grunting]

Elfo, you came back.

Elfo, you mofo.

Elfo, you mustn't be here. This is an ancient secret society

Elfo, you scrub the blood off the walls, and I'll sweep up the crushed pretzels.

Elfo, you'll die out there.

Elfo! Elfo!

Elfo! No!

Elfo! Where are you?

Elfo? Oh, my God, where are you?

Elfo. Elfo, knock it off. Gimme my tail back.

Elfwood! We're here!

Elves haven't been seen in centuries.

Enough rigmarole. Bring in the blushing groom.

Enough! No more time for parlor tricks.

Entertainment is just a tool that pacifies the masses

Eternity shall remember the names of Sven and, uh...

Even after the application of all three sciences.

Even farther.

Even though much of his time was spent

Ever since they were invented five years ago.

Every time I turn my head away, something bad happens.

Every time that girl gets a little responsibility,

Everybody have fun at work today. Alfred, don't suck on your pickax.

Everybody, sit down. [chuckles]

Everyone line up single file to get lashed to the masts.

Everyone will understand why you went crazy

Everything is riding on this speech. Luckily, Dad gave me his notes.

Ew. Dad, think out the words before they come out. It's...

Ew. Look at that gross, crying pig. I have no interest in it.

Exactly. Once the flesh is burned away, the demon is revealed.

Excellent. I've asked the eminent Lord Lingonberry

Except my best friends and my worst enemies.

Except my daughter and my wife. And now you.

Except that one over there, with his head in a bucket.

Except the thing that says I'm a king!

Except, this time, watch from over here.

Extra strong Dankmirian Schnapps

Eye of newt, tail of newt,

Failed to find the vial and we lost the princess...

Failure slash quitter slash loser. The triple threat.

Faster, Porky!

Father, stop!

Father! To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?

Fear not, Princess.

Feed you to the monster raw.

Fetch Old Man Touchy from the dungeon!

Fighting, competing, winning.

Find him, and it, and them!

Find the king, find the vial

Find the vial, and we find Elfo.

Fine

Fine, but I'll need a little something to put the edge on.

Fine, fine, on with the whacking.

Fine, fine. Steak. I want steak for my last meal. Okay?

Fine. I can make it on my own. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.

Fire the cannon!

First of all, sweetie, shut up.

First that little guy, now you two? [chuckles]

First up, not a ghost.

Five, six, seven... Oh, nuts.

Flesh burn, demon return.

Fly!

Follow me, darling. We'll be completely safe up here

For a made up girlfriend? Cool.

For a shilling I can engrave it with the name of an unloved one.

For centuries, no elf has ever left Elfwood.

For days, you don't eat, you don't sleep, you don't throw bricks at seagulls

For God's sake, I'm a grad student.

For His Majesty's blessing and immediate confiscation,

For me?

For now.

For older women who like to cackle. Is that it?

For one night, we get to do whatever we want.

For our kingdom is rich in tradition,

For outstanding bravery, foresight and wisdom,

For starters, you should have put on the black hood before coming out.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely calm and...

For the last time, they are not feathers. I am not bird type!

For the people snatching witch!

For there lurk the twin shores of Mermaid Island and Walrus Island.

For what can and cannot happen would help us..

Forty five years of necromancing has led me to this moment.

From the tip of your pointy tail to the tips of your pointy ears.

From their quest that we all privately thought would fail.

From what?

Gah! Quit judging me, Dad

Get comfortable. You ain't never getting outta here.

Get down there and dig a pit for us to sleep in.

Get down there and dig a pit for us to sleep in.

Get him outta here!

Get out. Run! Save yourself.

Get outta here!

Get ready to have your minds blown.

Get ready. Next week, we're gonna try arson.

Get those little bastards.

Get used to it,

Ghosts are losers that got murdered.

Giants haven't been on a rampage since the '80s.

Gimme the thing, will you?

Give her a break, okay?

Give it back. Give it back to me. [grunts]

Give me your hand in marriage, Bean.

Glad to hear it.

Go ahead, sire. Don't ask about my fourth eye!

Go ahead. Say it.

Go on now. Down the hatch.

Go ruin someone else's life.

Go!

Go! Go use them on yourself or whatever.

Go! Go use them on yourself or whatever.

Go. Find your friend.

God damn it!

God damn.

God forbid you lose control and jump overboard.

God knows, as my daughter, you'll have plenty when you're older.

God, what did they marinate you in, man? It smells out of this world.

God, you're selfish and cruel.

God!

Good day

Good for nothing.

Good idea.

Good luck with that. Giddyup!

Good men died to bring you back, baby.

Good night, Vip. Good night, Vap.

Good point.

Good to see a twinkle in the holes where your eyes used to be.

Good try? Let's drink anyway, right?

Good work bringing her in alive and unharmed.

Good, good. Now, how does it feel when I slap your belly like this?

Good. I'd like to tell him I'm disappointed in his work.

Good. Let me do it next time.

Goodbye, little man.

Got it. Now, what's "swimming"?

Gotta start somewhere

Granite? Why does she get the good slab?

Grant me the power to expel this vile spirit.

Great idea.

Great job, Bean. I hope you can sense my sarcasm through your drunken haze.

Great practice, men.

Great story, great story. Where's my pendant?

Great, let me turn this off.

Great, you're gonna make me be the good guy?

Great. I have to wear this crazy veil and pretend I'm a virgin?

Great. I hope you don't mind wearing a uniform.

Gretel, no! We were supposed to grow old together and eat a family.

Groom to be, Prince Guysbert of Bentwood.

Growing up, I never fit in among the elves.

Guards! Busboys! Seize them!

Guards! Guards!

Guess I won't be chopping off any heads today.

Guys, give yourselves up

Guys, I did not ask for this. Come on.

Guys, thanks for making my wedding a day I'll always remember.

Guys, we should go home before we pass out in the street. Again.

Gwapes!

Ha! Because of you, I lost a hand in that volcano.

Ha! Chazzed. Only I can share the feelings.

Ha! I foresee trouble in someone's future

Ha! I'm free! Lead the way, loins.

Ha! Kings! I fear no kings.

Ha. Nothing to see here.

Had enough?

Haha! Here it is. Legend has it that elf blood contains

Hand me ten ccs of brick.

Hang on. I've got a bad idea.

Hard on the outside, but on the inside...

Hardcore is right.

Has anyone else come by here today?

Has anyone ever gotten something back?

Have a great summer.

Have been spotted returning from their quest by Lady Kravitz,

Have they no respect for the Lemon Crusades?

Have you availed yourself of it and been blessed with immortality?

Have you considered stealing things of value?

Have you ever been clamped down naked on a slab

Have you ever had apple butter? That's something I might also have.

Have you ever made out in front of donkeys?

Have you ever seen your reflection?

Have you folks been helped?

Have you seen it? So bulky.

Having a cookie, making blood

He ate all the shrimp before you got here.

He comes at you when you least ex...

He didn't have elf's blood, so he, too, was turned to stone.

He disposes of them with extreme prejudice.

He doesn't trust me 'cause he thinks I'm just a dumb kid.

He doesn't,

He got my best friend killed.

He might as well just pour butter on himself. He is!

He must be the one who took Elfo. We gotta go after him.

He says it's okay to park here.

He sure does. And how do you feel about that?

He took himself far away from society

He was kidnapped.

He watered my plants while I was in rehab.

He went north.

He's a farmer with six teeth. She's his wife with none.

He's an elf. She's a giant.

He's dead.

He's dead.

He's in a better place now.

He's looking at us, so I'm going to stop whispering now.

He's not lying. He really believes that.

He's part Dankmirian. At least he appeals to someone.

He's sleeping with the chambermaid. And she's sleeping with the chambermaid.

Hear ye, hear ye! The return of King Zog is imminent.

Hear ye, hear ye! Where are my party people at?

Hear ye, hear ye. Royal court is now in session.

Hello, there.

Hello, there. My name is Bonnie Prince Derek of Dreamland.

Help a sister out.

Help, it's ripping it open!

Help! They tied us up!

Her ceremonial robe. It's backwards.

Her chamber, sire?

Her dad needs me for the Elixir of Life. It's kind of like insurance.

Her name was Gwen.

Her new place is just ahead.

Her purpose is to be married off to unite kingdoms, like we do.

Her purpose is to be married off to unite kingdoms, like we do.

Here goes nothing.

Here you go. Booze, booze and boring.

Here, here, take my crown.

Here's the thing. Here's the positive thing here,

Here's the truth.

Here's to peace between our peoples,

Hero and villain? One step up.

Hero of the Battle Against That Bird That Flew Into The Room One Time,

Hey, at least Elfo's sad. Look at his lip quiver.

Hey, at least you get to watch the sunrise with a girl. Sorry it's just me.

Hey, can you hear me?

Hey, chill out. This is Bean's party.

Hey, choppa, choppa. Swing, choppa.

Hey, Dad, is it cool if I go?

Hey, Elfo, I just want to say that what you did really means a lot to me.

Hey, Elfo, what are you lookin' at?

Hey, fish, that peanut butter on my tail was mine. [grunts]

Hey, guys?

Hey, he's making fun of my dreams.

Hey, hey, hey, slow down, champ.

Hey, hey, now that's diplomacy. Show us what else you got.

Hey, hey, peewee, no bleeding. Your blood belongs to me.

Hey, hey, sorry to interrupt, but are you guys available for a quest?

Hey, I thought we were gonna have wine and forget stuff.

Hey, I'm an enabler. There's a big difference.

Hey, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Hey, I'm still naked.

Hey, if you're gonna crawl back, can I ride you like a horse?

Hey, little guy, if I find so much as a misplaced hair when I get back,

Hey, look at this. I got sleeves like a bat.

Hey, nice. She drank her way out of depression like a pro.

Hey, no language barrier, nothin'. [chuckles]

Hey, nobody calls me Tiabeanie

Hey, so, you gonna ask me to dance or what, huh?

Hey, Sorcerio, how's that elf blood comin' along?

Hey, sweetie, wait! Let's talk. [panting]

Hey, Tess, what happened to your eye?

Hey, that's Lady Lingonberry's carriage! I was stealing it!

Hey, that's my grandmother's necklace.

Hey, the feeling is mutual, but here we are.

Hey, welcome to Muddruckers. I'm Chazz. Would you like to order a drink?

Hey, welcome to the spa. I'm Chazz.

Hey, what's that roll y, wagon y sound?

Hey, you can't park on my lawn.

Hey! [chuckles]

Hey! Death is the easy way out!

Hey! Get outta here, Weirdo!

Hey! I told you to stop narrating your memoirs.

Hey! News!

Hey! That picture was on the wagon they took Elfo away in!

Hey! Whoa. Hey! Whoa. Words! The curse is lifted.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Hey, let me out

Hey. Look at us hanging out on the floor together.

Hey. Who goes there?

Hi, asswipe.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, I'm Chazz. Pretty rose for the pretty lady?

Hi, I'm Elfo

Hi, I'm Elfo!

Hi! I'm! Elfo!

Hi. Elfo. And you are?

Hi. You seem unafraid of kings and probably have other qualities.

Highwaypeople. We're a gender neutral kleptocracy.

His ears were always like that!

His name is Elfo, for Pete's sake.

His people are the sworn enemies of demons.

Hmm, I have a better idea.

Hmm, I'll hit mute.

Hmm, kinda took you a long time to bring her up, though.

Hmm, this is where Oona gets her sense of humor.

Hmm!

Hmm? Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm. Feeling a bit... [retches] What's happening?

Hmm. I can't quite figure out why he doesn't trust you.

Hmm. I think I know a guy.

Hmm. I'll be watching and judging and generalizing

Hmm. No, I had stew yesterday

Ho, ho! You wanna come at me about some pointy ears?

Hold on. I didn't become regional manager of the Land Vikings

Hold them off while I untie the barge.

Hold up. That's not elf's blood, that's pig's...

Holy crap, you're Princess Tiabeanie!

Home of open minded elves of all shapes and one size

Hoodlums? Bad friend? Ignorant elf?

Hooray

Hop on, boys. Unless you're chickens.

Hope you got your beauty sleep.

How 'bout you talk now?

How are we supposed to find the vial if we can't even find the city?

How can the world's greatest race be racist?

How can you keep messing up a recipe with two ingredients?

How cool that we both come up here!

How could she?

How could you do this?

How cute. It looks like a little monkey all roasted up with onions.

How dare you threaten these innocent folk?

How dare you!

How did you get like this?

How did you know that was there?

How did you know that was there?

How do I know he didn't used to do that?

How do I know this is not a trick?

How do I look? Spiffy, right?

How long is this gonna last? [shudders] I'm not exactly comfortable in a church.

How nice.

How practical.

How sweet. You missed me. [blows]

How thoughtful, but Bean and I are going riding.

How was your trip, sweetie?

How's it hanging, Princess?

Huh, weird.

Huh?

Huh? What is that? Goo?

Huh. He thinks I am reptile?

Huh. I wasn't expecting to chew.

Huh. Okay. [sniffles] Maybe I will.

Huh. So, what was going on here?

Hurry, my mom's gag is coming loose!

Hush! There's a wedding in progress.

I ain't no rock and I've heard better crying.

I already had milk in there.

I also had a dream where all my teeth fell out

I also had this profound realization

I always thought so.

I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry.

I always wanted to go out while I'm still young and hot.

I am acquainted with the world's foremost exorcist.

I am also funny guy...

I am an assassin from Maru, in the service of Emperor Cloyd.

I am here tonight to butter your nice toast. Right, Dad?

I am not a monster. I'm a person, with thoughts and feelings.

I am so glad to have you back.

I am so sorry. It was an accident.

I am Sorcerio, Wizard of Wonder. Your traps are no match for...

I am sorry our food will bring you no joy.

I am, aren't I?

I am.

I assume that, just 'cause I've never... I've never driven before.

I been a potato thief ever since

I beg you, sir. We are far too humble to receive praise.

I began to realize my clothes had grown muddy.

I believe he called us hicks, Slim.

I blame myself 'cause I didn't even notice.

I came here,

I can do whatever I want!

I can feel the power rising up through my body, bursting out.

I can get married or I can die. This should be a harder decision.

I can see out of it. I can see everything.

I can't

I can't bear to watch. I'll be in my cage.

I can't believe he called you a worthless, bucktoothed degenerate.

I can't believe I'm reduced to talking to you.

I can't believe my eyes.

I can't believe you all put me through this

I can't crack the Elixir of Life

I can't deal with lips falling off when I kiss people right now.

I can't hear you! I've got wax in my ears!

I can't help it. You deserve praise.

I can't sleep with Mr. Bear like this.

I cannot marry that pig Merkimer. [stutters] I can't do it.

I care about Bean.

I claim this castle in the name of Land Vikings!

I couldn't help but overhear your secret conversation. Mind if I join?

I couldn't keep them to myself,

I crawled through a door and saw a rainbow,

I crawled through the hole, the giant lady popped out of the flower,

I dedicate this next song to the memory of Bean.

I deserve this fate for doubting you!

I didn't get a lot of sleep on account of my bed being a granite slab.

I didn't just lose my best friend.

I didn't know I had unfinished business here.

I didn't lie!

I didn't save you so much as you fell on me.

I didn't want to tell you because I'm terrified of female emotions,

I do not need a sex talk from my stepmother.

I don't either. I hate dancing.

I don't even have my real mother.

I don't even think it's real. It's just some myth in a book.

I don't feel it yet. How much longer?

I don't get why you'd want to take over this shoddy kingdom anyway.

I don't have tentacles.

I don't know if that's a good idea.

I don't know what's gotten into her.

I don't know why we keep that lever there.

I don't know, man. There's something to that vision I had.

I don't know, Stan. I'm not really good at anything.

I don't know.

I don't know. Has literally anyone other than you arrived?

I don't know. I don't think I'm Bean.

I don't know. I don't want Bean to be unhappy. Can't we throw her a bone?

I don't know. I'm not good at anything.

I don't know. I'm not really feeling anything.

I don't know. Just leave your eggs on the nightstand and get out of there

I don't mean to be insensitive about your dead whatever.

I don't need all that attention, sweetheart.

I don't need some demon making my life worse.

I don't see problem. Your daughter feel useless because she is useless.

I don't suppose any of you would be willing to help a gal out?

I don't think anyone would care if she were to vanish.

I don't think I'm Elfo.

I don't want this night to ever end.

I don't want to get your hopes up. It'll probably fizzle out like before.

I don't want to interrupt whatever those four people are doing,

I don't want to raise your hopes.

I drank so much, I can't even remember if I drank anything.

I fear my days are numbered.

I feel like I finally know why.

I feel weak and queasy.

I forgot one more thing. You're also a loser.

I get that a lot.

I got a lot on my mind.

I got jealous and put a dead owl in their cake.

I got married for a goat.

I guess I am

I guess I've always wanted to watch the sunrise with a girl I fancy.

I guess maybe there's a world

I guess the only bright side is, now I got nothing left to lose.

I guess what I'm trying to get at, and not so eloquently, but...

I guess.

I guess.

I had a good time in there. Your organs know how to party.

I had Odval clear my schedule, so we got the whole night to ourselves.

I had the dogs lick me clean twice.

I had them make brunch for us.

I had to choose between...

I had to choose you. [sighs]

I hate action!

I have a brilliant idea.

I have a name, you know.

I have no idea what that means. I'm just really short of breath.

I have to take action.

I have to warn the princess.

I have wishes, too.

I haven't lived long enough to give up on my dreams yet.

I haven't seen you in this tree before. You looking for a good time?

I hereby award myself this medal for the extraordinary parenting

I hope you like me yelling!

I just don't know how to work with this elf blood.

I just feel some more clearly set out rules

I just got winked at by a corpse shoveler.

I just need to pick his brain.

I just need to talk to you. Please. I'm sorry.

I just need... Is... I know...

I just really don't want to marry this wealthy prince.

I just want to send people home and curl up with my favorite book.

I just wanted to have a last bit of fun before the happiest day of my life.

I just wanted to make sure you have some fun.

I knew that you were longing for something,

I knew you should've kept him on a leash.

I know all about you, Tiabeanie.

I know exactly what he's talking about.

I know exactly what we're doing. We're shopping for turnips.

I know I don't hydrate as much as I should,

I know it really, really intensely,

I know it's you what built that canal. It drove me and all my kin off our land.

I know what she looks like.

I know you've had some difficult years.

I know, sweetie. This way.

I know.

I know. I was there.

I know. It felt weird when I said it.

I know. So much swagger, right? He's, like, ugly sexy.

I know. Some of my best work.

I lied because I was too insecure to admit I tried to kiss you.

I look like an elf.

I lost my father.

I love how you already know everyone.

I love living where I work. I never have to leave.

I love to dance. Watch this.

I love to sway and bounce to the music

I made you the biggest, itchiest wool sweater I could,

I may not be able to perform tonight on the marital mattress.

I mean, comfortable.

I mean, hands.

I mean, I'm drained.

I mean, look at this guy.

I mean, that sucked.

I meant we should go find his girlfriend.

I mention because it was difficult for me with the tentacles.

I might as well give up and accept

I might gaze upon your face kept me alive.

I might not have.

I misspoke, Bean. You know how I said you were a failure and a quitter?

I must admit, the quantity of blood exceeded my expectations.

I must have sex with its origin.

I need "Oona's Little Helper."

I need a date for the ball this Sunday.

I need some snakeroot to soothe my nerves.

I need you to tell me if this vial is...

I never even met my mom

I never got to haunt a house or spook a dog or get married.

I never got to see the world.

I never had to stoop to kindness or charm.

I never thought these little ones would come in handy.

I now pronounce you man and...

I once knew a charming and brave maiden.

I only ask that girl to do two things: Sit here and stay sober.

I only have a small quantity of blood.

I possessed your mother and she loved it!

I prefer to stay safe the old fashioned way,

I saved your life. Now, I can go back to ruining it.

I seem to have accidentally invented a truth serum,

I sense an evil presence.

I shall apply a small measure to the scalp

I shall return before the last uncle passes out

I shall soon cast thee out, demon, with these sacred tools.

I should be the one creeping everyone out.

I should be the one killing everyone.

I should dust in here more often.

I should have just told you the truth.

I should have known she wasn't your girlfriend.

I should've grabbed one of those gumdrops when they were hanging me.

I should've knowed it. All you royals are the same.

I shouldn't have eaten so many.

I suck. The only thing I'm good at is sitting on this rock and crying.

I suggest something based more in reality. Religious magic.

I think I know someone who'd welcome the attention.

I think it's sweet you wanted to kiss me, but I'm just...

I think we need to be a little bit more discreet.

I think we're fully prepared to slay a dragon.

I think you'll be very pleased with the revised cake, Your Highness.

I thought I didn't like him

I thought that I'd get married for true love, or because I was wasted.

I thought we were friends.

I thought when it was my turn to wear it, I'd be as happy as she was.

I thought you were a liar, but it turns out you're a stud.

I thought you were just gonna give me a hunk of glass.

I threw it over the Edge of the World.

I told you elves are too light to hang.

I told you strumpets to stay off me block. Oh, Your Highness.

I used it, but Gwen refused

I used to be a princess, too.

I used to come here when I needed a minute for myself.

I used to spend many nights up here,

I wanna taste something other than sweetness.

I wanna taste something other than sweetness.

I want my gift back.

I want the key to life!

I want to be bad. I always admired Bad Elfo.

I want to be in charge of my own destiny,

I want to cry salty tears,

I want to take a big, meaty bite out of life and dip it in mustard.

I want you as you were born to be.

I was a gorgeous nobleman before I became a pig.

I was forced into a wedding, and I wish I had my freedom to...

I was just admiring the towel. My people don't have terrycloth.

I was just trying to tell you that I moved on.

I was known as Zog the Warrior Prince.

I was not expecting that.

I was raised by a pack of drinking buddies.

I was so sad about losin' ya, I turned to food for solace.

I was talking to you!

I was thinking roasted.

I was trying to bring her back.

I will miss how he always pointed out my foibles

I will soon have the demon out of your body.

I wish I could go somewhere where people are miserable.

I wish it were elixir of death, you fat sack. Oops!

I wish you all the gumdrops in the rainbow.

I wish you guys would help.

I wish you the best of luck embarrassing some other kingdom.

I wish you were here for Beanie.

I wish you were here for me.

I wish you were here.

I won't even dignify that with an upward glance.

I won't forget it.

I wonder what's for lunch.

I would get rid of all the diseases plaguing mankind,

I would love to give you some great advice,

I would rather hang out with Bad Elfo.

I would've done the same thing if you were a man. Now!

I wouldn't say I was locked up in a lunatic asylum because I was crazy.

I wouldn't worry about that.

I... I can't believe you're back.

I'd like to have a role to play in your life, in the kingdom.

I'd rather die a big death than live a small life.

I'll arrange for something small and tasteful.

I'll be doing all your body butters and light touching.

I'll be entering your dreams tonight in the form of a laughing skull.

I'll be right here with you, okay? If you get nervous, just look into my eye.

I'll begin with an introduction.

I'll cut off your arm.

I'll get Derek to give the speech.

I'll get someone to fish him out of the corpse pit.

I'll get you!

I'll go back to being passive aggressive, 'cause it worked so well.

I'll leave you one for good luck.

I'll let you be alone.

I'll never find a place to fit in

I'll never throw a giant awesome party while you're away again.

I'll pet him in the wrong direction. I'll put a cucumber beside him.

I'll save you, sister.

I'll see you at home!

I'll show you where me pot o' gold is.

I'll stop those jerks dead in their tracks.

I'll tell you, if I lived here, I'd probably eat the whole place.

I'll use my skills as a hunter and Odval will use his diplomacy

I'm a chicken.

I'm a fraud!

I'm a freak.

I'm a griffin. Half man, half bird, half lion.

I'm a midwife. Excuse me for a moment.

I'm a princess. I can't do my own bidding. How are you even useful?

I'm actually a more way careful driver when I'm drunk.

I'm actually hoping for death. Thanks, though.

I'm afraid it's Oona. She is coming for us. For you.

I'm afraid the taster is late, sire,

I'm afraid we made the mistake of trusting her.

I'm all about possessive pronouns.

I'm all about the easy way.

I'm allergic to apples!

I'm already cursed enough.

I'm already in here.

I'm already smoking and laughing. What more do you want?

I'm an optimist. I say the flask is half full.

I'm Clarence,

I'm confused

I'm disappointed in your work

I'm down to my second to last emergency flask, so let's have a toast.

I'm drowning!

I'm Elfo, by the way. What's your name?

I'm Elfo!

I'm feelin' furious! I'm gonna...

I'm feeling a tad nervous, my tiny friend.

I'm feeling optimistic.

I'm gettin' out while I still have my dignity.

I'm glad you're enjoying your time together,

I'm gonna drink milk out of my shoe.

I'm gonna find out what they know in the gift shop.

I'm gonna have to kill him or something.

I'm gonna miss him.

I'm in shock, too. I mean, it is shocking.

I'm joining forces with our savage conqueror.

I'm just gonna crawl back to my dad 'cause I'm a loser who can't keep a job.

I'm kinda not always... happy?

I'm kinda scared to try this. Will you guys peer pressure me?

I'm losing it now, but I think it was about scones?

I'm lucky in so many ways.

I'm Merkimer. I can't wait to meet you. I don't need your names, though.

I'm much more embarrassed than I am aroused.

I'm naked all the time. You just didn't know it.

I'm never gonna be able to do this.

I'm normally a nice person.

I'm not a baby. I'm a toddler.

I'm not a cat!

I'm not dangerous.

I'm not even a healthy man

I'm not getting any younger.

I'm not gonna hurt this little guy. I'm gonna leech the magic out of him.

I'm not here to answer cat questions.

I'm not really fun.

I'm not sure I can do this. I've never killed anyone before.

I'm on a deadline.

I'm probably good at so many things I just haven't tried yet

I'm really, really going to miss him.

I'm right here, Father!

I'm rooting for you.

I'm so excited, my skin is breaking out in sprinkles.

I'm so glad you're coming along, Bean.

I'm so sorry that we had that long war.

I'm so sorry, Mom.

I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, Bean.

I'm sorry, Bean, for everything.

I'm sorry, Bunty.

I'm sorry, guys. We're gonna die and it's all my fault.

I'm sorry, I guess I have to chop your head off now.

I'm sorry. I was too aggressive.

I'm sorry. I'm sort of in the middle of someone right now.

I'm supposed to be surrounded by people I like.

I'm sure one day you'll wake up with them trying to smother you.

I'm sure the cave is safe to enter.

I'm sure your father tried.

I'm talking about the cave. Just go.

I'm talking about the hay man for the harvest bonfire.

I'm the guy yelling over it

I'm tired of feeling useless

I'm totally gonna get those bangs.

I'm warning you.

I'm watching the same execution as you, son. I don't know.

I've already summoned the plumber.

I've been dreaming of this moment for 15 years.

I've been lying to you about that.

I've been messing with this for a couple days.

I've been stalking you, but you have come to me.

I've captured the witch who abducted those people in the woods,

I've come to slay the mean lady who threw me off a cliff and ate my horse.

I've got a lot of official matters to take care of.

I've got something real for you to freak out about.

I've got this.

I've had it with you and your successful methods.

I've had it.

I've had Sorcerio work up a special effect so smoke comes out my ears when I yell.

I've hit the bottom of the barrel. [sighs]

I've known a lot of writers. Most of 'em go to Hell.

I've looked all over this stupid castle. There's nothing. I need help.

I've lost three of my finest suits of armor.

I've loved you since the moment you killed my brother.

I've never done anything bad before.

I've never done anything good before.

I've never felt anything like this before!

I've never felt such vigor.

I've never had a nightmare. Is this one?

I've never heard a song so sweet and delicate.

I've never heard of anything.

I've never written a speech before. I guess I could try.

I've only been gone a few months!

I've tried every spell in the book I have.

If Elfo goes, I go!

If I don't have to tell you what happened down there.

If I spend any more time with my family

If it's smooth jazz, I will destroy this place.

If my dad found out, he'd kill me.

If they get that vial, it will be cataclysmic!

If this flask isn't filled with elf blood by morning,

If this is what you want, Bean, I won't stand in your way.

If this world were run by women, there wouldn't be so much crime.

If three of the juiciest of you would hop into my sack, we'll be on our way.

If we disgrace Oona, it could mean war with Dankmire.

If you consider death, disease and rampant poverty acceptable.

If you could be any mythical creature, what would it be? Elfo?

If you don't calm down, this is gonna be a long forever.

If you get into trouble, show them this note.

If you know what I'm sayin'.

If you look up "elf" in the dictionary, the picture is my cousin Examplo!

If you mean "carted away, never to return," then, yes.

If you no like, I fix.

If you want to help them,

If you're calling off the wedding, I'm calling off the alliance!

If you're gonna dance with someone tonight, we'll work with what you got.

If you're referring to my nappy, it's actually war pants.

Imagine the possibilities.

Immortality is a curse.

Immortality is folly.

In a kingdom of talking cats and enchanted pigs and hooker fairies,

In sum, it was a successful trip.

In the direction of the bed?

Incredible.

Incredible.

Indeed

Indeed. We scholars like to think science has all the answers,

Instead of this cold, stone foot.

Into the vial it shall drip, to free one soul from Death's icy grip."

Intriguing. But don't mermaids use their mesmo songs

Is gonna be my get out of jail free card for, like, ever.

Is it cultural appropriation if I wear a beak?

Is it really you?

Is it really you?

Is joke.

Is Queen Oona in the castle?

Is successfully corrupting Tiabeanie's mind and soul.

Is that all you care about?

Is that like a jolly trolley or a fun run or a tingle mingle?

Is that who I really am?

Is that whole flying broom thing just an old wives' tale?

Is that you, Bean?

Is there anything around here I can use to replace a giant's eye?

Is this quest optional?

Is true. I was class clown.

Is you won't have to do as much

Is your dinner poisoned? The answer may surprise you.

Isn't that... What?

Isn't there a point in everyone's life

It all makes sense now.

It appears there may be truth to the old legends regarding the elves.

It burns with boredom!

It came back to haunt me!

It could be a convincing knock off made of cheaper magic materials

It did, for a while.

It doesn't make any sense!

It falls forever, I guess.

It is a dark battle of a hundred centuries and our daughter's destiny.

It is an honor to fulfill your need for touch.

It is I, Prince Guysbert!

It is shocking.

It looks like a foot. I mean, if you're happy with it...

It looks like he turned away at the last second,

It looks like people are just having sex.

It may take months, even years.

It really makes you stop and wonder. Am I doing the right...

It seems certain secrets were set down in the ancient writings of Mephismo.

It sorta seems like you might be a liar.

It took all season, but it did.

It wards off deadly plague.

It was for your mother.

It was fun stabbing all those iguanas in that box.

It was just Bob.

It was named after him, but it also has mermaids.

It was okay when I was taking things a little too far.

It was self defense.

It was so nice of that swarm of crabs to drag me ashore.

It was sweet of you to wreck my wedding, but you're kind of slowing us down.

It was the only way to get you to stop talking. Now swim for that ship.

It was the only way to get you to stop talking. Now swim for that ship.

It wasn't hard with a trail of heavy bootprints

It won't close. The big girl broke it!

It would be so stupid for us to join them, right?

It would defy the laws of physics.

It would... It'd be crazy if we danced right now, right?

It'd be taking precious food out of the mouths of your kids.

It'll be way out on the open seas where the only law is the law of no laws.

It'll wreck my image as a total badass.

It's a real time saver.

It's a ship of war, flying the dread flag of the Borcs!

It's a super rare fruit the knights brought back from their crusades.

It's all in my book.

It's all over, Big Jo. I got the bottle and the knife

It's almost like you were never away.

It's beautiful. Such angelic voices.

It's been a horrible ordeal.

It's cool, man. He's out of town, so...

It's exactly as I remembered it.

It's exactly who you are.

It's fire, Cloyd. It's hot.

It's for his royal ass only. Thank you.

It's fresh from the local well, sire.

It's getting late, boys. We'd better stay here.

It's gotta be Oona.

It's gotta be real. I mean, it was glowing and dinging, okay?

It's gotta be so hard for them already.

It's hard to say, so, I'll let this needlepoint do the talking for me.

It's just too painful seeing the truth all the time.

It's LeBlatt. Yeah, it's French.

It's less a book and more a letter to my father

It's like he keeps paintbrushes in there.

It's like it's made of crazy sauce.

It's like my dad's prized possession.

It's like you want me to chop your head off.

It's mealtime

It's my destiny.

It's not a veil, ma'am. It's your corset.

It's not even about me. It's about the stupid alliance

It's not for everybody. Me flavored water, 15 cents.

It's not just a kitten, it's a sleeping kitten.

It's not just named after Gerald K. Mermaid?

It's okay, Bean.

It's so small.

It's still rolling, but he has stopped screaming.

It's such a relief.

It's suspiciously on the nose.

It's taken centuries, but our civilization has literally risen out of the muck

It's that creepy exorcist!

It's the best night of the year, but Zog never lets me go.

It's this specimen over here that requires further examination.

It's time.

It's times like this I wish I had 3,000 fists.

It's too bad we never experienced bliss together.

It's true. He just thinks you're a real friendly lady

It's unfortunate you lost your friend, Beanie.

It's what we feed children in Hell.

It's why I can't keep a dog alive.

It's wonderful to... [gasps]

It's your last meal. Choice is yours.

Ja. It does, but it's not. Eat.

Jerry, leave the highballs and, I don't know, feed the peacocks.

Jokes are a sign of fear. A fear that is well justified.

Joyride?

Judging from the height of these tongue marks,

Just a year from retirement

Just because I'm not jolly all the time doesn't make me a weirdo.

Just breathe in and try to mellow.

Just butter 'em up with a nice toast.

Just Chazz and the king, havin' a dialogue.

Just doing the stuff I wanted to do, going places I wanted to go.

Just go cut the ropes.

Just go inside before you help me to death.

Just gotta straighten it out here.

Just hear me out.

Just me and you.

Just means accepting that things take time. [burps]

Just once could we go on a family vacation without having to run away screaming?

Just once, I wish...

Just so you know,

Just soda for me!

Just think of this as torture, but with a big, splattery finish.

Just up Cherrywood Road. Take a right at the dance academy.

Just wasn't born that way. Those are the breaks.

Keep quiet, if y'all know what's good for y'all.

Keep the champagne chilled

Keep them? Oh, he doesn't keep them.

Keep your eyes on Bean and her weird friends.

Kick me out... Why, I oughta... [continues muttering]

King Zog, you're giving me your daughter,

Kiss you? You think I was trying to kiss you?

Kissy, save your lips for the prepackaged candy assortments.

Kissy, you've come this far. Don't you want to see the outside world?

Kissy! What in humping heavens is going on?

Know nothin' yokels who don't know nothin'!

Known as the Eternity Pendant.

Ladies, ladies! Come on!

Ladies, the legends do not do you justice.

Leads me to believe that Tiabeanie is what they now call a teenager.

Learn bitter truths.

Leave this body!

Leaving when the ogre looked away was an excellent strategy.

Legend has it, the Eternity Pendant is awakened by proximity to an elf.

Legs muscled by years on the run.

Let me do it.

Let me give you a gift to help lift your tedium

Let me help you out. She's from a faraway land. We wouldn't know it.

Let me just check on my friends.

Let me out!

Let me try.

Let me try. Where is...

Let us feast.

Let's burn this place down!

Let's clap along.

Let's do it, but don't say it out loud again.

Let's fatten him up!

Let's get out there. We're back on top.

Let's get scones.

Let's get this underway, shall we?

Let's have too much wine and forget about it all.

Let's head back.

Let's hear it for Gary the Grabass.

Let's just all take another deep breath.

Let's just take a minute and talk about what we have in common... [screams]

Let's make a future together.

Let's make this night so legendary, they caution children about it.

Let's not overdo the baby thing, now. [slurps] This is made of wood!

Let's see how you like getting bottled up.

Let's slip out under cover of all the clanking.

Let's throw a huge feast!

Let's try it on somebody a little more, uh, not me.

Lied to me about being an elf?

Life with him was fun, but I probably would have been dead in a few weeks.

Like how people expect me to kiss frogs and talk to birds? [yelps]

Like I always say, I'm proud of you, Bean.

Like I said on our first date, nothing could be worse than this.

Like Middle Earth Zirconia or pleather.

Like that?

Like, way up the country, past the Unpassable Mountains?

Listen, boy, your sister is a little under the weather.

Listen, I feel you.

Listen, just stay away from me for a while, okay?

Listen. They've stopped singing.

Lock her up till she stops pointing things out.

Long time no feel, Your Highness.

Look at you. You haven't changed a bit.

Look at you. You're just a coward like every other guy

Look at your sweet face! I missed you so much!

Look into my heart, and you'll see the truth.

Look, I know I went a tad wild,

Look, in the distance! The lights of the kingdom!

Look, uh, maybe I'll see you sometime.

Looks like a bunch of dead mice and...

Looks like I picked the wrong day to wear sandals.

Looks like it.

Looks like she's been keeping quite a few secrets from you, my man.

Looks like you got a reprieve.

Lorenzo the First and Bunny.

Lots of reasons to get married, ma'am.

Love is... Oh, my gosh, I can't do this.

Lover! I'm a filthy lover. So nasty.

Lower the drawbridge!

Luci, pull the lever.

Luci, thought I pushed you... We're together again.

Luci, you fell off a balcony. Were you pushed?

Luci, you're my personal demon. What do you think I should do?

Luci? [gasps]

Lucille, stop it. You're being a bad influence.

Lucky for you, I'm a patron of the arts.

Lying to me in any other way than flattery is a mortal crime.

Make offspring, like Derek.

Make room on the dance floor,

Make the Elixir of Life or I'll throw you in a wizard proof cage,

Make them both look like me. Then, get rid of one!

Make way for the loser.

Make your move, stupid!

Make yourself comfortable on the dissection table.

Make yourselves at home.

Malfus was obsessed with making the Elixir of Life.

Malfus, how do you know we'll use the vial properly?

Man, dreams

Man, I can't believe Dad kicked us out.

Man, I have wanted to throw one of those

Man, I really blew it. I was crazy to think I could be an ambassador.

Man, I'm gonna be humming that all day.

Man, I'm starving.

Man, I'm thirsty.

Man, if I was a dwarf, I'd run this town.

Man, you have no idea how much I've missed you.

Many of them engraved.

Married Princess Oona of Dankmire. That's your weird stepmom

Maru decided to attack Cremorrah,

Maru flooded Cremorrah with the potion

May I just say thank you for this charming reception.

May I propose a toast? I got some low grade pocket hooch in my booty flask.

May not be seeing well, but it is looking good.

May we see it?

Maybe a little behind the ears.

Maybe both.

Maybe he is a leprechaun. He's dancing a jig.

Maybe I did go a tad overboard.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for the high pressure lifestyle of the big city.

Maybe if you got to know us,

Maybe reality is the dream and dreams are reality.

Maybe that's why I've had such low elf esteem

Maybe the vial is a fake.

Me dad never came back from the Lemon Crusades.

Me neither. Twinsies.

Me next. Me next. Guess who this is. [clears throat]

Me smell fear.

Me, either. [echoing]

Me, in a complex web of lies.

Me? Ow. Meow. That's what cats say, right?

Meet Princess Tiabunty.

Meither. Meither.

Meither. Meither. Meither. [chuckles]

Meither. What's happening?

Mention my buckteeth again

Mermaids, attack!

Might we finally create the Elixir of Life?

Mind if I give you a ride?

Mind if I have a little sip of you juice?

Mind if I sit on the bed?

Mind? I don't mind at all.

Mining makes me nervous.

Miss Moonpence?

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, that's better.

Mmm, throw a party.

Mmm, wow. Good cocoa.

Mmm. [chuckles]

Mmm. Mmm! Oh!

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm... Guys, hey! Wake up.

Mom, what are these creatures, and why are they looking at me that way?

Mom, what did you do that for?

Mom! Oh, my God, are you okay?

Mom?

Mom? That's never happened before, the thing with my fingers...

Mom...

Mom's been dead for 15 years!

Mommy, I'm afraid!

Money means nothing to me.

Money's mine

Monsters are afraid of fire. We've got her cornered.

Mop Girl, milk him.

More corn. More gravy.

More pow pow on the bum bum, please.

More so than usual.

More than everything. I see the truth.

Mornin', Princess.

Morning miseries begin at 5:00 a.m.

Morning, Princess. Care to try my new cure all?

Mortimer the Expendable for nothing

Mostly my teeth.

Move along! You're bad for business.

Move your fat ass, please

Moving down, sugar columns seem structurally sound.

Moving up to the face area.

Mr. Chancellor, we are at your disposal

Mud covered crime boots.

Mustard, vinegar, anchovies? These are the ravings of fools.

My apprentice has gone missing under mysterious circumstances,

My back hurts when my body's filled with rage.

My brain feels dry.

My caddy gave me one great piece of advice. Take up tennis."

My clothes are really heavy.

My flaming arrow says I can.

My God! And you freed me? Bean, I...

My headache is gone!

My Knights of the Zog Table will aid you. Knights!

My lady, and Mertz's mother, who insisted on coming.

My little girl. All grown up and choppin' heads.

My name is Tess. Ugh, I'm outta here.

My nanny always does it for me.

My poor Princess Tiabeanie.

My prince, may I give you one last kiss for good luck?

My prince, may I give you one last kiss for good luck?

My whole family are elves!

My whole world was wrapped up in this vial.

Nah, I was busy with laughter.

Nah, she's too good at escaping from there.

Neat trick.

Neither one of you was to blame. It was both of you. You both killed us.

Never mind. Uh, grab a horse. Let's go!

Never said I was a freak.

Never selling out, never splitting up.

New? I've been remarried for years.

Next to present their bountiful harvest

Next!

Nice grip.

Nice likeness. Competent latticework.

Nice toss, Dad.

Nice typical reaction, Mr. Predictable.

No cannot do, Princess.

No demon could survive this preposterous degree of jiggling.

No Dreamland dudes. They're too scared of Zog.

No elf has ever returned, not even Returno.

No flower could have a stench as beautiful as yours, honey.

No hard feelings, bud.

No matter how hard I laughed.

No matter how much I abracazab and alakazoo.

No need. They're heading deep into muskrat territory.

No offense, but what the hell's up with your schnoz?

No one in their right mind would want to spend it with you.

No substance known to man both glows and dings.

No wonder all those presents have been washing ashore.

No wonder Porky hates you.

No worries. There's plenty of room since Allison went to a better place

No worry. I'm an expert hunter, and I'll track down the woman I love.

No, but I haven't eaten in over a decade, so hurry up and open the gate.

No, but it is one of those plays

No, he's just boiling.

No, I couldn't impose, Bunty.

No, I just don't want to stick.

No, I just feel like my life is ending. I can't even smile.

No, I'm good.

No, I'm just a normal teenager, high on bread mold, breaking into castles.

No, it was me with my incessant do it, do it, do it, do its.

No, Mr. Elfo, I expect you to fry.

No, no, Beanie. That's not for you. [chuckles]

No, no, I go every year. He just never lets me.

No, no, no, not him. I meant...

No, no, no, wait, please.

No, no, no! Just pull out the cork

No, no, no. But come in. Make yourself casserole.

No, no, no. I was mostly raised by Bunty.

No, no, that's okay, Giuseppe. We hired you for your emotional realism.

No, please.

No, probably not. But I guess it doesn't hurt to try.

No, she has no friends.

No, stupid, it's your girlfriend!

No, thanks, but I will take this rope.

No, they've almost finished the hay man.

No, wait, come back!

No, wait! I was just trying to control you.

No, we did it.

No, we don't have time.

No, we're not.

No, you sicko! Examine the vial, huh?

No, you're not. You're a marshmallow with legs.

No!

No!

No!

No! Elfo!

No! Gosh. I don't want a magic daddy,

No! I beg you!

No! No!

No! Oh, no!

No! Oh, no!

No! You're not a murderer, Bean! Well, I mean, you did kill that one guy.

No! Your cruddy life is worth living, Bean.

No. But that exact thing fell in.

No. I traded it years ago to a king with a crown of snakes.

No. It's called the library.

No. No alcohol.

No. No, I can't go crawling back home!

No. Stop.

No. That's gonna be a hard nope.

Nobody fries my dad.

Nobody knows anything for sure,

Nobody talks to me like that,

None of this would've happened if you'd just told the truth.

Nope.

Nope. Still alive, but suffering greatly.

Not a word of this to anyone. The royal family would not approve.

Not anyone, just you. My job is done.

Not at all.

Not if I can help it.

Not like Reptilicus.

Not like walls and staircases, always getting in my way.

Not my loins, I'm afraid.

Not now, Bean. Daddy's very angry.

Not on my watch.

Not one mention of your fuzzy muzzles. Climb aboard.

Not so fast.

Not that kind of magic, though.

Not that wet blanket, on the party upstairs?

Not that you care what I think.

Not the notoriously grim locals."

Not thinking about your tummy troubles now, are you?

Not when I got the knife.

Not you! I'm lookin' for Elfo.

Nothing can stop us now. Oh, no. I have cancer. What?

Nothing feels better than sparing the life of one innocent person.

Nothing you can do can fix this.

Nothing, Father!

Nothing's happening.

Notice that King Zog's carriage has arrived in the courtyard right now?"

Now approaching the throne room, not expecting any surprises.

Now calm down. I'm starting to hallucinate.

Now everyone knows who you are.

Now get out there and let's see some gore.

Now get up and make your dad proud, you drunk.

Now I would like to sit on my throne and rule my kingdom,

Now it goes off?

Now let's greet our hosts.

Now let's see how fast we can forget it.

Now stop complaining, and build us the world's cleanest canal.

Now that the single trap has been triggered,

Now the only pain is humiliation

Now there's a fourth thing, entertainment.

Now we hope Merkimer's a big enough idiot to fall for this mermaid plan.

Now we must get started at once.

Now we're in this weird limbo place and we don't know what we're doing

Now we're meeting new people. [grunts]

Now what? Whoa!

Now, a cousin to caramel is nougat, which essentially is...

Now, by my reckoning, the bodies should have landed right here.

Now, don't worry. The straps are just for my safety

Now, here's the deal, Touchy.

Now, I give to you.

Now, I poured my heart out to you.

Now, if I was a normal kid, what would I do?

Now, just keep holding on, okay? Just keep holding on.

Now, let's find that demon.

Now, let's go steal it.

Now, let's hurry. The prince will be here any minute to marry you

Now, look, we seek the Eternity Pendant.

Now, please, go.

Now, Tess, I know you're not a monster.

Now, to test it, we need a volunteer to kill you.

Now, where's my candy?

Now, where's my special little man?

Now, will you shut up down there? I'm trying to sleep.

Now, you have!

O Lord, our only God, brother of the other God,

Obviously stolen belt. Nondescript torso.

Odval and Sorcerio will put an end to all this naughtiness.

Odval, explain how it's gonna be okay.

Of a fabulous faraway kingdom. [sniffles]

Of course I am. I'm your father.

Of course, I... Hey! Where were you?

Of course! With my scientific training, it was rather obvious.

Of king à la king and grilled shrimpy. No, I'm kidding.

Of which only two copies are known to exist!

Off to the pub.

Oh, all right. Hey, everybody calm down.

Oh, and in my mind, I'm not a villain. I think what I'm doing is good.

Oh, Bean.

Oh, boy, did I look at her!

Oh, boy.

Oh, but it must've worked!

Oh, come in. Come in.

Oh, come on, Martin, you twit. Aim!

Oh, come on. Everybody needs something.

Oh, darling. So ambitious.

Oh, does she have a friend like me?

Oh, Elfo, I'm so happy to see you!

Oh, Elfo...

Oh, every day you say you'll tell me and you never do.

Oh, floor, you're always there for me. So supportive.

Oh, foo. We're gonna to get arrested.

Oh, God, I'm turning into my bartender.

Oh, God, I've never cleaned before.

Oh, God, my dad's gonna kill us, and then the Vikings are gonna kill my dad.

Oh, God, Vikings! [screams]

Oh, God, what's my full name? Damn it.

Oh, God.

Oh, goody. Another one.

Oh, great, now you made me lose count.

Oh, he means that we steal it and that it's a bad idea.

Oh, he should not have done that.

Oh, he's really annoying. What's his name? I wanna say Quelfo?

Oh, hello, Bean.

Oh, hi, Bean. I'm not interrupting, am I?

Oh, how funny. We're so alike!

Oh, I don't even know what to yell at you. You take it.

Oh, I had to stop using the eye.

Oh, I missed you so much!

Oh, I understand, darling.

Oh, I'll get you, wee elf!

Oh, I'm desperate. Please, I'll do anything.

Oh, I'm dying over here.

Oh, I'm gonna have bad dreams about that skillet.

Oh, I'm in trouble, Oddie.

Oh, I've got something special for you.

Oh, I've got to keep it together until he's out of the gates, at least.

Oh, is this the one where the cat and the elf are friends?

Oh, it's not healthy to store that. Would you like to lie down?

Oh, man, I actually feel kind of bad.

Oh, man, I'm late for morning prayers!

Oh, man, if this is sadness, I don't like it one bit.

Oh, man. Oh, man!

Oh, my boy. I've been meaning to... But the thing is, I...

Oh, my God, it's always just gonna be me and my cat, isn't it?

Oh, my God, jobs. That's what people do all day!

Oh, my God! [crying]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Cute cat.

Oh, my sweet Bee Baw.

Oh, my!

Oh, my...

Oh, neat. I'm gonna name them Winky, Blinky and Soul Stealer.

Oh, no, I need to be comforted.

Oh, no, no, no. This is bad.

Oh, no, they're on to us

Oh, no, this is Shrimpo, my new boyfriend.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. It's that accursed weirdo.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Party crashers!

Oh, no. We're locked out.

Oh, nonetheless, she is quite unpopular in the kingdom.

Oh, nothing a few days on the rack won't cure.

Oh, oh, oh. One of your fiancés? That guy you murdered?

Oh, oh, oh. One of your fiancés? That guy you murdered?

Oh, oh. [gagging]

Oh, please, put me out of my misery.

Oh, Pops, you're just the guy I came to see.

Oh, Queen Oona. Of course. This is terribly awkward.

Oh, right. [chuckles]

Oh, so, you noticed? You weren't too busy with your new family?

Oh, sometimes, I could swear I'm looking at your mother.

Oh, sorry. Didn't see you down there. What's shakin', bacon?

Oh, such a great time.

Oh, sweetie, I can see the sparkle in your eyes is gone.

Oh, that's Mom's head. [gasps] Mom's head?

Oh, that's my pet Bloaty.

Oh, that's nice. Good night, honey.

Oh, that's the stickiest.

Oh, that's the stuff. [inhales sharply] Oh, yes!

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, there, there. Don't cry, darling. Mommy's here now.

Oh, this is a bad time to be coming down off of that high.

Oh, this is all me fault, my boy. I got something to tell ya

Oh, this is so interesting.

Oh, this log is hard. I miss my tuffet.

Oh, uh, I'm a princess, I is.

Oh, uh, that's our way of saying "hmm."

Oh, um, well, I wasn't gonna say that at all.

Oh, wait, uh, just one princess. Me, Princess Tia...

Oh, wait. [chuckles] Nothing to be scared of.

Oh, we can spout crazy theories all day,

Oh, we're more meat eaters now.

Oh, wee one, there's no escape from the fun cage.

Oh, well. Who can say what passes for art these days? [chuckles]

Oh, who am I kidding?

Oh, why did I behead everyone with a medical license?

Oh, would you listen to me. Woe is Chazz, huh?

Oh, yeah, it all started when I first laid eyes on your mother.

Oh, yeah, that's it! Crank harder. You've got him on the run now. Whoo!

Oh, yeah? My knuckles'll make an alliance with your pig fathering face!

Oh, yeah? Why don't you do something about it?

Oh, yeah. Totes. Like your dad.

Oh, yes, down there with all his little friends.

Oh, yes, the repetition.

Oh, yes, we do that, too. Diplomacy is complicated.

Oh, you know what? I think I already knew that.

Oh, you must have excellent taste

Oh, you shouldn't have said that. Here's a hammer.

Oh, you will soon, my sire.

Oh, you're a chip off the old block, I see.

Oh, you're a stranger. I've heard about you.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Ah! [grunts]

Oh! Ah! Ah! Stop it!

Oh! All that candy made me so tired. I'm just gonna lay down in this pan.

Oh! Damn it. Let me get that. Hang on. No, wait.

Oh! Elfo! His tracks lead right toward that tree.

Oh! If that paste doesn't work, I'm in real trouble.

Oh! Oh, thank God I got away. With so many things last night.

Oh! Ow.

Oh! Pops!

Oh! What?

Oh! You haven't defeated me yet.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. "Make yourself casserole." Now I get it.

Oh. Excuse me.

Oh. Hi, I'm Elfo

Oh. How my Charlie sparkled this morning when they heaved him into the burial pit.

Oh. I guess it was low tide.

Oh. If you insist

Oh. It's totally clean and there are people here to greet me.

Oh. Man, that thing was huge. [sighs in relief]

Oh. Of course not,

Oh. Poison could be perfect!

Oh. Sounds like Bean may prefer a mysterious stranger

Oh. That's right kindly of you.

Oh. What kind of talk is it?

Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh... Where are they?

Oi, you havin' a bit of a laugh?

Okay, Big Jo, she's asleep in the bed chamber.

Okay, boys.

Okay, but I'm still having nightmares about that big skillet.

Okay, but not my lucky arm.

Okay, catch.

Okay, Elfo. You can do anything if you believe in yourself.

Okay, fine, both of them.

Okay, first up, guest list.

Okay, guys, listen up. I'm gonna try out my sheep call on you.

Okay, guys? Okay

Okay, I guess I'm gonna do this, unless someone talks me out of it.

Okay, I'll try.

Okay, I'm gonna tell them yes. That was a yes, right?

Okay, last question.

Okay, let's fire up the magic crystal

Okay, let's go. Let's go. Come on!

Okay, me next, chumps. [clears throat]

Okay, now let's take it back about 15 years.

Okay, now that the two part single trap has been triggered,

Okay, okay, Elfo, we get it.

Okay, okay, okay, I got one. Who's this?

Okay, okay. So, what does this big love of yours look like?

Okay, or you're just a crazy old witch.

Okay, plan C: Stuff 'em with breadcrumbs.

Okay, so if we get three wishes,

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Okay, take it easy. I have a girlfriend,

Okay, that's everything!

Okay, the one thing I do know is when your parents are out of town,

Okay, the trick to not getting swept over the waterfall is swimming upstream.

Okay, they're fine.

Okay, they're suspicious of outsiders, so let's be smart about this.

Okay, watch this. Here we go.

Okay, you win

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Be safe, darling. [kisses]

Okay. But there better not be any funny business while I'm gone.

Okay. Hey, stop.

Okay. Hmm

Okay. Picking up the poker. Opening the flue, and...

Ole and Alice!

Olé!

On behalf of Dreamland, I'd like to say that that was a fine show.

On my wedding day, I also had butterflies in stomach.

On the forearm, for whatever reason?

On whom the future of our kingdom already rests, yeah.

Once a statue, now statuesque, it's the dagmarvelous Dagmar!

One shot is all you need. So, I brought you two.

One, two, me

One, two, three.

One... two...

Only drinking buddies.

Only the wisdom of proceeding without a strategy for...

Oof. Um, this looks... Yikes.

Ooh hoo hoo! That's the only kinda play we have in Hell. [vocalizing]

Ooh, boo hoo.

Ooh, I love it when people talk smack about their exes. Dish, girl!

Ooh, I would not kiss me right now.

Ooh, ooh, I know.

Ooh, silly me. It's just a statue of Pendergast...

Ooh, what is this?

Ooh! And make Elfo die alone.

Ooh! Everybody got shoes.

Ooh! Hang upside down.

Ooh! Sounds like some quality exorcism.

Ooh. [chuckles]

Ooh. Ah.

Ooh. Uh, stew.

Oona, is that you? I missed you so much, baby

Open to any in the kingdom who know how to rage wickedly.

Or bother me. Or marry me.

Or is the kingdom's most eligible bachelor already here?

Or is?

Or It is even capable of things like watching over us...

Or should I just call you brother and sister?

Or that one either.

Or you want to keep working on that decorative centerpiece?

Or your grandfather's.

Or, um, you could do something else. [chuckles]

Orders? Coincidentally, we about to cook up an order...

Our daily lives.

Our entire flimsy alliance depends on it going perfect.

Our first experiment with the elf blood was inconclusive.

Our food is not flavorful,

Our life together was perfect,

Our plan is even closer to fruition.

Our secret society meets tonight?

Our soup of the day is hot dog water, and for that, let us rejoice.

Out! Get out!

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Ow! [grunting]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow.

Ow.

Pardon my curiosity,

Pardon my language, but destiny is baloney!

Parties of three or more? Yes, I must do something about that.

Party tonight. But don't tell anyone.

Party's over. Everyone out. Come on, guys. Look alive.

Passive aggressive sarcasm. [chuckles] Just kidding.

Pay no attention to the naked ambassador on the chandelier.

Pendergast gave to me.

Pendergast is gonna take her chains off so you can get on in there,

Pendergast, who are your best trackers?

People became so wealthy, their pockets were bursting with snakes.

People far and wide seek me out to wash their clothes.

People rarely recover before Saturday night.

Perfect. Give her some phony baloney job with a fancy title and a sash.

Performed by children.

Perhaps I'll see you in the dining room, then?

Perhaps if I had more to work with...

Perhaps it could perk up my poor, tuckered dong.

Personal demon.

Personally, I prefer to watch the news.

Pig milk for the runty ones.

Pity. He was a good man. A family man.

Playing what we want to play,

Please accept it as a gift from my kingdom to your... this.

Please do not feed my vehicle.

Please do not shoot the messenger any more.

Please don't name my eyes.

Please don't open it.

Please put your hands together in prayer

Please stop! There's no place like Elmo. There's no place like Elmo...

Please, call me Gwen.

Please, let me go on a crusade!

Please, stay with me.

Please, take my spot. I'll find another place to sit.

Plenty of Zog to go around.

Plus, I don't see anyone else storming your castle, princess.

Plus, there can't be that many opportunities

Plus, there's laces holdin' the skin on.

Pops, I need to know the truth.

Porky and Big Jo have a really toxic relationship.

Porky, quit joking around and search the king.

Portcullis properly lowered to defensive position.

Potatoes.

Prepare to be put out of your misery.

Presenting Guysbert's younger brother,

Presenting victims one through nine.

Pretty rose for the pretty... [screams]

Princess Bean is always drunk at this hour, and you ain't even slurring!

Princess Tiabeanie,

Princess Tiabeanie, step forward.

Princess, it's time to go.

Princess, now that we're courting...

Princesses always get the best slabs

Probably him.

Promise me you won't attend my funeral.

Property? Men don't own me. I own men. I'm King Zog!

Put her somewhere where I can't see her. What's under the dungeon?

Putting in the pellets, pouring in the vinegar.

Queen Oona has outlived her usefulness.

Queen Oona of Dreamland, meet Queen Dagmar...

Queens either. Dukes kinda give me the willies, but kings? Bah!

Quick, Odval, stab her in the neck!

Quick! This way.

Quickly, the lock.

Rawr.

Real elf's blood.

Really, Dad? [scoffs] You're fine with this?

Really, I only married her to get the canal built.

Really, really impressed. Ow!

Really?

Really? [groans]

Really. I know I'm a jerk and a liar, Miss Giant Lady.

Regal. Kind. Talk all good and stuff.

Relatively speaking, you're a badass.

Relax, they'll never know I'm here.

Remarkable.

Remember how people used to just work, starve or eat?

Remember that time you had that play and my dad was the fat kid?

Remember that.

Remember the name. Remember the face.

Remember the solemn moment we first laid eyes on King Doris.

Remember when you used to sit me on your lap and tell me stories?

Remember, Dagmar,

Remember, run between the trees!

Remember: really tall, red hair and, again, just the one eye.

Remember: Whores rouge. Ladies leech.

Requesting backup. [mimics radio static]

Rest in peace, buddy.

Rest of newt and blood of elf

Return to your slab!

Returning to the court for the first time in 15 years,

Right now we mostly play corn exchanges,

Right this way, gentlemen.

Right, Watcho?

Rise and shine, Princess. It's your big day

Rubbish. We never turn away a hungry soul

Run, Elfo! Run far away!

Running like a coward.

Sad...

Save it for the Wishmaster.

Say "man and wife."

Say, Darrell, what happens to the stuff that goes over the edge?

Sculpted in a bizarre and unlikely pose. Huh.

Second set of stairs, also fine.

See you guys tomorrow.

See you in Hell, weirdo.

See? I don't even miss the alcohol.

See? It pushes all the mincemeat to the top of the pie.

See? It's totally fine.

Seek ye me?

Seems our little emissary Luci

Seize them.

Selfish? Maybe. But cruel?

Send a turkey.

Send all the knights on a quest for the vial!

Send her back up whatever beanstalk she rode in on.

Set sail! For the homeland and a glorious future!

Shame you're a princess and too dainty to do anything about it.

Shame, though. She were only nine years old,

She also gave me a son, so now, I finally got an heir to the throne!

She and her sister downsized to a candy condo.

She can talk?

She could get any of us at any moment.

She did throw Turbish off a cliff and eat his horse.

She doesn't care at all about her appearance.

She forgot her glove!

She has nothing in her life except a drug that makes her happy.

She meant me. I'm so bad. Oh, I'm bad.

She never had a chance to say she loved me.

She oozes grace and a shiny trail wherever she goes.

She poisoned the wine?

She risked her own life to save the demon.

She said if I told you, she'd hurt Mr. Bear.

She said this Wishmaster guy was the real deal. Thataway.

She was the smart one.

She was.

She would have left him for me anyway.

She's 12 feet tall.

She's been a burden on the pantry. Kill her.

She's been dead for years.

She's big! Bigger than you'll ever be!

She's come along faster than we ever dared dream.

She's finally snapped after years of us being dicks to her.

She's going to be staying with us until she realizes how good she has it.

She's got her father's nose.

She's got white hair, buck teeth and two blue eyes.

She's here. Take it away, Bean.

She's like a one man wrecking woman.

She's my girlfriend.

She's not a mystery, but she's definitely a girl. Friend.

She's not an elf, and she's not little!

She's out of control and I've tried everything.

She's standing there alone. You're all fueled up on cheese.

She's talking about herself.

She's talking about me.

Shh. I'm Bean, okay? Help yourself.

Show him what's under your hat, buddy.

Show me the wizard.

Show us what happened here.

Showed you. I have to show you.

Shut up, will ya?

Shut up, you.

Shut up! Do you know what time it is?

Shut up! She gets the point.

Shut up! Silenzio!

Shut your snouts, you dumb pigs, or I'm gonna... Oh, wait.

Silence, Turbish. We'll have her to you in a fortnight.

Silence! The delegation from Bentwood arrives any moment.

Since this is your first day, we'll keep it simple.

Since y'all was screamin' like babies in the frying pan, we gone to plan B:

Sire, harnessing the blood's power has proven difficult.

Sire, we have found the secret to making the Elixir of Life using elf's blood.

Sire, we rode halfway across the world, lost three noble knights,

Sire, we've rallied the troops.

Sister Tiabeanie, you're late again!

Sisters, do not be distracted by this heathen.

Slayer of Metallica,

So cool! I didn't even know that the human body could do this.

So drink responsibly!

So Elfo is free to go?

So Gretel and Hansel?

So how'd it go?

So I decided to make a change. I got a new wife

So I gotta know,

So I had the knights get it.

So I say do it. Do it! Do it, do it, do it!

So I turned to booze, drugs and my evil little friend.

So I wouldn't have to tell you.

So I'll eat your head last.

So I'm thinking a little light powdering and then maybe nap time?

So is Luci really gone?

So it's only fair I give you something of equal value.

So now what?

So our crime, yeah, is one for the ages.

So there I am, possessing the Duchess and she has the nerve to drop dead.

So this is where I'll end up one day. Buried. Forgotten. Worm food.

So this is your castle? You're not like some stuck up princess, are you?

So tragically small.

So tragically young

So we tied her to the sink and started eating people.

So we're all a little obvious here, aren't we?

So what exactly are you talking about?

So where does that exorcist keep the demons after he removes them?

So where is he now?

So you can't look 'em up or anything. Just, you know, natural causes.

So you wanna drop me that rope?

So you'll be pretty much fine.

So, actual potatoes. Like from a garden.

So, anyway, here comes the bride.

So, how did you... Oona!

So, how we gonna kill your fiancé?

So, I'm responsible for my own mother's death, too?

So, I've been grasping at straws,

So, just close your eyes and don't think too much.

So, listen, son.

So, one quick dance, then you can go back home.

So, super hot one eyed girl with a dead family. Sounds legit.

So, tell me why the damsels flock to you,

So, this little twit, who I welcomed into my home,

So, uh, what exactly are we heisting?

So, we'll need chairs.

So, we're making a daisy chain, not a dandelion chain

So, why don't you stand up and say a few words?

So, why haven't we met your little bitty elf squeeze?

So, you see...

So?

Some might say her cries for help were a cry for help,

Some place more secure.

Somebody winds up alive.

Somehow, I don't think my portrait's gonna be nearly as happy.

Someone far more repulsive than yours porkly.

Someone jab him with a sword, make sure he's okay.

Something in my voice makes people real mad. [sighs]

Sometimes he just stares at it longingly while he drinks vodka sodas.

Sometimes when you pull off your grandma's jaw,

Sometimes, I like marmalade, too.

Son of a witch. I followed every possible interpretation of the directions.

Sorcerio, Odval.

Sorry they had to bury you in this aquarium.

Sorry, Bean. I heard guys that go with you end up dead.

Sorry, Bean. I heard guys that go with you end up dead.

Sorry, I had a stroke on the way home.

Sorry, I've lost track.

Sorry, it's just... You have snot, like, all over your face.

Sorry, Mother Superior.

Sorry, Queen Oona. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers.

Sorry, we need to have a talk.

Sorry. I'm done threatening you

Sound the battle bell!

Sounds to me like he deserves a marvelous funeral.

Speaking of the spot, isn't this the spot? Let's talk about the spot now.

Speaking of things getting poked, we've got a wedding to plan.

Spoken like a true homeless teenager

Stand back, chumps.

Start digging.

Starting at the feet.

Stay as long as you can, even if it takes the whole weekend.

Stay cool, never change.

Stay sharp, son. It might go foul.

Stay what?

Stay where you are. I'll come tell you.

Stealing from my stepmother's purse.

Still, he was the last to possess it

Stop it. Stop. You both have super weird ears. [groans]

Stop poking the royal tit, dear.

Stop right there, Your Ladyness.

Strap him down!

Stuff it up the chimney with these torsos.

Stupid fish, always takin' my precious body butters.

Stupid lucky horse.

Summon the army! This kingdom is under attack!

Sure I can.

Sure thing, buddy.

Sure, he said it. Did he mean it? We'll find out.

Sure, I've done a trick or two. What do you have in mind?

Sure, you're a violent alcoholic, but you're not a killer.

Sure. Once we work things out, whoever survives will come and get you.

Suspects headed west on the royal highway.

Sven, wait.

Ta da. Did ya miss me?

Tacking an "O" on the end of "Elf"? Bah!

Take a deep breath and fire on the count of three.

Take her away.

Take me with you. These savages don't deserve us.

Take off those common clothes and come down looking like a princess!

Take one step further, you're on your own.

Take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Take your assigned positions and prepare for our sacred ceremony.

Tedrick the shepherd and Daisy, the one sheep you haven't eaten yet.

Tell me something about you.

Tell me something else that you like.

Tell! Me! Who! You! Are!

Tess was never my girlfriend.

Tess, follow me.

Tess, I'm so sorry about everything

Tess, if you don't stay until the Royal Ball tomorrow,

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for the information, Birdman. You've saved me a lot of time.

Thank you for your kind gasps.

Thank you! That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!

Thanks again! It was delicious!

Thanks, Bean. I'm not burning anymore.

Thanks, Elfo. And when those gumdrops get stuck in our throats,

Thanks, yeah.

Thanks.

That and the rotted food scraps.

That Bean is possessed by a demon!

That conducts great matters of state and diplomacy.

That don't exactly explain why she desecrated sacred remains.

That drives them crazy.

That fateful night, the taster, he was late.

That girl is real, and he's in love with her.

That good, huh?

That husky kid's a real tour de force.

That I'll never be anything more than a wealthy queen

That I've never seen before.

That is so what I want

That monster is not my dad anymore.

That must be why he sought the powers of the Eternity Pendant.

That the dragon could shoot fire from both ends.

That time I stole a baby walrus. You guys were there.

That turned you from a worthless, bucktoothed degenerate

That was all I wanted to do...

That was awesome.

That was implied, right?

That was some great diplomacy back there.

That we may live each day and say...

That would be Stryker and Bolt, sire.

That would've been the easy way out, huh?

That's all it takes.

That's an executioner joke.

That's communion wine.

That's enough!

That's fine. He's a dummkopf. It doesn't matter.

That's gonna need more than a fresh coat of frosting.

That's gotta make you feel a little better, right?

That's hope. That's hope!

That's it, dear. Cough out your demon.

That's just real sticky coming from a friend.

That's kind of Mother's thing, but sure.

That's my little girl, everyone. Murdering that hag.

That's no ladies' mace.

That's no land.

That's not a Borc, it's a Bozak! They're our closest allies!

That's not what I meant.

That's not... [continues indistinctly]

That's okay, honey. I go down easy.

That's okay. I don't listen to women.

That's only two.

That's right. In fact, your personal demon.

That's right. It's your fault.

That's so sad you never get to go.

That's weird, right? [chuckles]

That's what cures it

That's what friends do.

That's what made you do it.

That's when the fun begins.

That's why I insist you have a bachelor party.

That's why I love her. She's so darn smart.

The "no" part.

The Adventures of Cat and Pig. That's what I've been calling us.

The ancient book of spells and easy Sunday dinners

The bad news is that we lost many good men

The barge is falling apart!

The blood must be distilled in a special vial,

The blow pop! It's gonna...

The Bozak wedding delegation never arrived.

The cave is even safer to enter.

The cheese cave, sire.

The cotton candy shop called.

The cursed poison that was meant for me, she drank it instead.

The Devil's Snowcone.

The elf may have value far beyond what we expected.

The Elixir of Life, it wasn't for me.

The Elixir of Life?

The essence is that there is enormously potent magic in elves' blood.

The Eternity Pendant must not fall into the wrong hands.

The family crypt.

The fans love my voice. I have dreadlocks.

The flab on my arms said different. Poor Chazz.

The good news is we have retrieved the Eternity Pendant.

The guy with the goofy shoes, reeks of flop sweat and licorice...

The head of the Borc admiral!

The hell is wrong with you people? Get these things off me.

The hollowed out one with the booze inside?

The horse has big, beautiful teeth. Like you.

The king can make anyone!

The king may be ill,

The king of Dreamland requires elf blood.

The last female of my kind.

The last guy we hanged died of old age

The long wait is over.

The Lost City of Cremorrah.

The monotony

The monotony, the repetition.

The monotony, the repetition.

The monotony, the repetition.

The monotony... [stutters]

The mystical essence of life itself.

The neighboring kingdom of Maru, with its mouse based economy,

The new heir to the throne of Bentwood, Prince Merkimer.

The next one of you who lays a hand on the other one gets left behind, okay?

The next you're a creepy spook house

The only problem is, the location is a secret,

The only woman I ever loved.

The other belongs to Collecticus and is still sealed in its original box.

The perfect end to a night of grand theft carriage.

The plan?

The poison had been meant for me,

The pressure, it just got to me. [gasps]

The prime movers of history, the unseen hand.

The princess and her crew of misfits

The procession left without me.

The queen's place is at the side of the king.

The rest of your life will seem anticlimactic.

The score? What did I do?

The seal is unbroken.

The seal is unbroken.

The sheer defiance of reason and decorum

The sound of your laughter brings me such joy.

The swamp monster will take care of them.

The taste for big dames runs in our family!

The thing about your father, Tiabeanie, is that he wants to change you.

The type of love that is forged in adventure

The vial is real

The Washmaster.

The wedding is ruined. The demon is performing exquisitely.

The Witch.

The Witch's spellbook is the key to everything.

Their thriving snake based economy was the envy of the known world.

Then he cried, kicked that rock, hopped around in pain,

Then hit this other tree.

Then how did you two meet?

Then it's basically just human tragedy.

Then it's unanimous.

Then keep drinking so the inevitable rejection doesn't hurt so bad.

Then let this be a warning to your other allies.

Then perhaps you need a new book.

Then pour a drink, light a cigar and hand 'em both to me.

Then stomped angrily down this trail,

Then they shouldn't have given me these big bad buck teeth.

Then they shouldn't have given me these big bad buck teeth.

Then today, for one blessed second, we almost had both.

Then we could join the search party

Then we will have you walking out of here with 20/20, my friend.

Then what happened?

Then what keeps going wrong?

Then why is there a portrait of you?

Then you must love peppermint swirlies und chocolate logs und sugarplums.

Then, they fought a 100 year war over who owns the canal,

There are plenty of other thick soups. Cream of potato, that's one.

There are so many things we could have done and then tried.

There are some things you need to know about yourself, Bean.

There is no way you're gonna convince me my daughter is a criminal.

There shall be, tonight at the castle, a wicked rager,

There she is, holding the vial. [chuckles]

There, once again, Elfo, you've made a mockery of the Jolly Code!

There, there.

There, there. He's with the crabs now.

There's a lot of sexual tension between us.

There's a ton of money in the castle. I can steal.

There's another kind of bliss?

There's cabbage?

There's got to be another way to get rid of him.

There's my real laugh.

There's no conflict here.

There's nothing he's touched that he can't identify,

There's nothing left of her. Stop trying to manipulate me.

There's only one drop of blood. I don't know who to choose.

There's only one elf in town.

There's such a place?

These bones are getting caught in my throat. Fetch me some water.

These days, most men prefer to fornicate with something other than a giant bird

These guys are totally defenseless.

These hands... I thought they had magic.

They be the latest thing, does not thee know?

They call it a party barge,

They call it an edge, but it's really more of a gentle slope!

They do, and they will.

They go well with me neck sparklies.

They made a potion that could vanquish an entire kingdom without a single sword.

They need to prance and dance.

They taught me the fine art of stabbing.

They tried to compost me, but the thought that, once again,

They want their hair back.

They will all pay!

They'll know exactly what we're up to.

They'll know I'm lying.

They'll start asking why I'm not married.

They're acting like we didn't contribute to that canal.

They're also after the Elixir of Life.

They're out of gravy.

They're such relative terms, aren't they, darling?

They're such relative terms, aren't they, darling?

They've spotted us. Defend the barge or risk losing your deposit.

Thing is, having been handsome, powerful and rich,

Things get confusing in a world with occasional magic and curses.

Things get confusing in a world with occasional magic and curses.

Think you can make a bed outta one of these cheeses?

Thinking about what I'm gonna say and...

This better be the Elixir of Life.

This cold floor feels good on my concussion.

This Eternity Pendant or vial or whatever you call it

This goes way beyond you and me, dear.

This has been our last adventure.

This has got to stop.

This house has recently been licked by an elf.

This is a goddamn solemn occasion, so shut the hell up, all right?

This is a plateau of peace.

This is all happening so quick. I'm really nervous. What do I do?

This is all so crazy.

This is an opportunity to start fresh.

This is an opportunity to start fresh.

This is an outrage.

This is crazy. I'm an elf.

This is delicious!

This is elf's blood.

This is my first chance to have a conversation with a parent

This is no kinda place for a grown ass elf.

This is no ordinary horse.

This is not good for my hangover.

This is serious. You'll be hanged from the Gumdrop Tree.

This is so helpful. How can we ever repay you?

This is the dress my mom wore when she married my dad.

This is the first interesting thing that's ever happened to me.

This is the first time she's ever been killed.

This is the Honorable Ambassador Tiabeanie...

This is the last straw. You're going to be punished.

This is the rack. Whoa!

This is the thumb screw. Whoa ho!

This is the worst field trip ever.

This is where I come to clear my head, or to sleep it off.

This is why I always tell you not to try things.

This is why you gotta make people RSVP.

This is your hair and makeup team.

This is your moment.

This is your mother.

This is your room? You are the princess?

This is, like, so unfair.

This island has real mermaids?

This isn't a gender thing. It's Bee Baw's and I am taking it back.

This isn't a sex talk.

This isn't a window. This is our trash hole

This isn't an elf, but it's not not an elf

This isn't working out. Maybe I really am a good at nothing.

This job is easier than it looks.

This just raises more questions.

This may be a party barge,

This one causes slow, painful death.

This one kills you with kindness and some belladonna.

This one needs royaling up. More columns, more frosting.

This one says "I hate you, Darrell."

This poor woman is nervous. She's shaking, she's sweating.

This powerful lodestone

This religion is still in its early stages.

This shoddy kingdom is ours forever.

This spell is only supposed to need two ingredients:

This sucks. How much further?

This thing better not be a musical.

This validates my bigotry!

This vial and this elf's blood.

This was her lair.

This was yours, was it not, Witch?

This wasn't a stupid drug trip. This was a vision of the truth.

This weekend was my one chance at freedom and you ruined it, just like my dad.

This whole cursed wedding is canceled.

Those are the only two girl things I know.

Those mermaids worked me over pretty hard, sexually.

Those who desire it become blind to what is precious and right before them,

Three hundred count Plimgrovian cotton, I believe

Three me's.

Through his nostrils.

Throw me the bottle. I'll throw you the elf.

Throw the bloody thing, Wayne!

Tiabeanie Mariabeanie De La Rochambeaux Drunkowitz.

Tighter, man, tighter! I have poor impulse control.

Times when you really shouldn't are exactly when you really should

To a ruthless executioner with a beautiful smile.

To be a great listener.

To be fair, sire, you were never going to eat it.

To bring immortality to our lord and ruler, the King of Dreamland.

To drinking buddies.

To extract greater quantities, we'll need more sophisticated methods.

To have my mom back, obviously,

To have one of the finest community playhouses around.

To hold you down while I talk to you. Now let me ask you a few questions.

To live atop the highest mountain in the land.

To lure men to their deaths?

To make them feel important?

To not act like a caveman.

To our little family.

To our little family.

To port, a sunset so beautiful

To protect the Eternity Pendant! And to answer all questions!

To regrow his Lordship's once lavish hair.

To stab her with a broom handle.

To starboard, man eating sharks.

To take part in the experiment.

To test the revitalizing influence of the blood,

To the end of Dreamland.

To watch over us if He, She,

To who?

Tonight is wedding night, so is time we had talk.

Tonight, you will be expect to perform your wifely duties.

Too late. Tonight's turned into a carriage wreck.

Torture this guy a little then get him his last meal

Touch me somewhere else!

Touchy like.

Traveling is fun, too. Right?

Traveling makes her cranky.

Trust me. I haven't led you astray in minutes.

Truth is, you're only half elf. You're also half...

Truth serum? No king wants to hear the truth.

Trying to find a way to bring your mother back ever since.

Trying to get me to drink this water like I'm some kinda idiot.

Turbish, no! Your horse is still alive!

Turbish? Mertz?

Twinkletown Giggle Bud.

Two lashings an hour.

Two pair.

Ugh, great, everyone up here is doing diplomacy, too.

Ugh, have some dignity, man.

Ugh, I hate that

Ugh, I told you, my name is Elfo. Elmo was my house. I lived in an elm.

Ugh, you're still up?

Ugh! I'm sick of being happy all the time.

Ugh! That was stuck in my throat for days! Oh, my mouth tastes like a barn.

Ugh.

Ugh. Cakes.

Ugh. Geez. Do it.

Ugh. I really don't like the view from down here.

Ugh. Just say Bean. You want to watch the sunrise with Bean.

Ugh. No, he's at a wedding. Your wedding.

Ugh. Tourists.

Ugh. Well, if it isn't Stacianne LeBlott.

Ugh. Why has no one eaten him yet?

Ugh... Scribeldy scrobeldy screw the Jolly Code!

Uh huh. Out there in the garden with pigeons crapping on your head.

Uh oh. I'll save you, bro.

Uh uh. If you can cry, you can work.

Uh, a supportive one. She can fight her own battles.

Uh, because I'm an elf. And elves are magic, duh!

Uh, can we come in? Please?

Uh, come back in a few days, Lord Lingonberry.

Uh, definitely not.

Uh, I think I'm still alive. No, wait. Nevermind.

Uh, I'm in here. Don't say anything.

Uh, ladies, it's gonna be okay.

Uh, let me... [gags] Let me help you clean that.

Uh, might we borrow this little man for a moment?

Uh, night's over! Tell your parents to pick you up.

Uh, so, in conclusion, Dreamland never had a better friend than Dankmire,

Uh, sure we will. There's a whole desert up here.

Uh, um, okay. [chuckles] Yeah...

Uh, unlike some people, I read the guidebook.

Uh, weak chin, buck teeth, and... Whoa!

Uh, when I had time.

Uh, where's Bean? I thought you were supposed to be chaperoning her.

Uh, while you were talking, the stick broke.

Uh, yeah, lower the giant painting of the countryside.

Uh, you know what? I'm just not comfortable with murder.

Uh, yup. I'm good. [groans]

Uh...

Uh... [chuckles] I showed him where you hid it.

Uh... Actually, I'd be fine if someone could just slide my head up a bit.

Uh... Chili... I guess that's not a soup.

Uh... Ham chowder. No, that's a chowder. Uh...

Uh... Hi, I'm Elfo. [chuckles]

Uh... Oh.

Uh... Should we be doing something?

Um, on vacation. Yup. With our families.

Um, please don't sit in the king's chair.

Um, this is me bed that me family lives on and...

Um, you can't kill me.

Um...

Um... Uh... [groans]

Und none of them are dusted mit sleeping powder.

Unless it's a boiled pear, they're not interested.

Unless you keep going.

Unlike other villains, I shan't be telling you my plan.

Usually everyone dies. I don't advertise that fact. [chuckles]

Va va voom!

Very well. I'm in.

Very well. They don't call me

Vikings don't care about riches.

Vip, Vap, escort Derek back to his room, huh.

Wait a minute. It's just three quarters of a dead raccoon.

Wait a minute. You named your pet squirrel Bloaty before he died and got all bloated?

Wait, did you say one eye?

Wait, its answers are often cryptic.

Wait, no, that's your face.

Wait, something's happening.

Wait, the what master?

Wait, wait, wait. I love you? Big Jo, I love you!

Wait, what are you doing?

Wait, what?

Wait! Wait! Wait! [stammers] Don't leave! Stab that guy.

Wait. Hang on, hang on.

Wait. What are you guys doing? Zog said he'd cut off my arms.

Wait. You're not a princess, but you have a room in this castle?

Walking up stairs now. Landing neat and tidy.

Want me to ask if you're gonna die alone, or are we good?

Want me to go back and step on your dad?

Was both jealous and in constant peril.

Was I the only one hoping for more blood?

Was it worth all of this?

Was she gonna say "before they light it on fire"?

Was that Turbish's horse?

Watch as a non chump chumps these chumps.

Watch it. Watch out, or I'm gonna...

Watching the stars, the moon, the neighbors.

Way back to the Hansel and Gretel cold case.

We ain't having no giant rampage in here.

We all get to share our feelings.

We also sell stuff people don't want. Do you want some?

We are a team.

We are brother and sister. What of it?

We are but humble people.

We are praying, Sister Tiabeanie, that God might see fit to help the poor.

We are the shadow behind the crown,

We ask the invisible God we think is up there,

We be sailing now into treacherous waters.

We can do it together. Or, better yet, have the servants do it.

We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

We can make eyes. We can make anything.

We can try and close it from the outside.

We can, Bean. There's nothing in our way, except this arm.

We can't let our family be ripped apart again.

We can't vanish with the door open!

We couldn't find Oona anywhere, sire.

We dance a little. We go to a party. Eh?

We didn't get a single elf.

We don't even know where it is. It's not on the frozen king guy.

We don't want that.

We don't want to upset the nice big lady, huh?

We embark on our quest

We gonna have some king sized fun with you, boy.

We got a long journey in the morning. Let's get some shut eye.

We gotta sneak our way to the front. We'll take 'em by surprise.

We gotta split up and search for her.

We have an elf. Or, at least, we had one.

We have no names, but you can call me Farmer

We have to do something

We have to find Luci.

We just gonna fry y'all up in some butter.

We kicked your asses

We know we about to feed them to the swamp monster.

We let them run free, like the majestic snow chimp.

We lost him, but cured his headache

We must act before our plan is discovered.

We must carry on and take comfort in prayer...

We must find her and ask what she knows about the vial.

We must have the Elixir of Life.

We must relay a message to the king that the mission has failed.

We need an expert.

We need this marriage to cement our alliance with Bentwood.

We need to disappear! Close the gates!

We only just got a door when the horse ate the wall.

We only just met.

We pledged our eternal love for each other

We recovered this.

We searched the entire world.

We shall rule together as tyrant and tyrantina

We shall wash them down with the Elixir of Life, which we totally have.

We spend all day making candy to earn candy.

We take Zoggy to a spa where I get waited on hand and foot.

We want immortality, that our names might live on for a hundred years.

We will see who is going to vanish.

We will send a message to Dankmire, of the utmost urgency.

We won't convene the cookie club until the asswipe leaves the castle.

We won't get tired this time.

We'd already been married for 90 years

We'll begin with the traditional Dankmirian dish, Lamprey Vivant.

We'll chop her head off this afternoon.

We'll find the one true god next year.

We'll fix up an old carriage and tour the country,

We'll give him a sedative.

We'll grind him to a paste and see if that works better.

We'll never find out.

We'll scrub you right up, as clean as a child on his funeral day.

We're a duo now. The fans didn't even notice.

We're both imprisoned.

We're broke. This castle's not even made of real stone. It's particle stone.

We're cooking y'all up for the swamp monster.

We're far too poor for windows.

We're magically linked, like lollipops and rug fuzz.

We're running out of time. [stutters]

We're still browsing.

We're trapped.

We've decided the princess can still marry.

We've got this pot of stew here, and we can always add another cat. Mmm.

We've got to protect ourselves. I'll watch Bean.

We've gotten dozens of complaints about her late night howling.

We've heard about you.

Wee!

Weirdo doesn't take his pants off for nothing. Elfo?

Welcome aboard, Queen Dagmar and Princess Tiabeanie.

Welcome back to your castle, Father, where nothing unusual occurred

Welcome to Elfwood!

Welcome to my party.

Welcome to your new home, Princess.

Welcome, my friends. One adult, two children.

Welcome, Seekers.

Welcome, Your Highnesses.

Well, at least he... Oh.

Well, at least you kept them together.

Well, fine. Think I'm ugly all you want.

Well, free will was fun while it lasted.

Well, get to it!

Well, glad we had this talk. See ya.

Well, good night, everybody. [grunts]

Well, good stuff. We should get you two outta here.

Well, have I got news for you. This guy is a filthy...

Well, here's to seeing the sun rise another day.

Well, hey, good thing is, I swiped the only thing he cares about.

Well, I created a shampoo that can make any animal laugh.

Well, I got whatever this is.

Well, I have been drinking a lot tonight, so it might just be the grog talking,

Well, I like war, but I wouldn't say I love it.

Well, I should probably get back to battle.

Well, I was waiting to tell you until after I was dead,

Well, I'll have to confer with my associates first.

Well, I'm glad we had this talk.

Well, I'm in a gang now, and I gotta take your crown.

Well, I'm sorry.

Well, if it isn't my little barge buddy, Elmo.

Well, it depends what you mean by "gone."

Well, it took all day, but I finally got my winnings...

Well, it's a long story, I...

Well, it's gonna take a while, so let me pull up this chair.

Well, it's not like your dad is entirely... Oh.

Well, it's understandable. They are leathery.

Well, maybe it was for the best.

Well, maybe someday you'll get your wish, too.

Well, mostly people throw stuff they don't want back.

Well, newsflash.

Well, no. I couldn't do it.

Well, now I'm really curious to meet her.

Well, now we know something we didn't know yesterday.

Well, sire, we do have the upcoming trip to Dankmire,

Well, stop saying what I mean.

Well, thank you, Miss, uh...

Well, that looks like you, Father.

Well, that or the passage of time. We're not really sure.

Well, that's it, I guess. There's no place for me in Dreamland.

Well, then, madame, I have just the thing.

Well, this is odd.

Well, today I got dangerously close.

Well, we best be heading to work. [laughs]

Well, we can add detective to the list of things you're bad at.

Well, we're never gonna find Elfo this way.

Well, whip my heinie with a long red viney, you're back!

Well, you gotta drop something on them.

Well, you helped me out of here, so I guess it's cool.

Weren't you told not to let anyone take it?

Wha?

Wha..

Wha...

What a gullible idiot.

What a horrific day you've had.

What a naughty night we had.

What are all your names?

What are these clamps for?

What are you coming to me for? We don't got that kind of relationship.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you gonna do? Give me a paddling with a big wollypop?

What are you talking about? And why are you here?

What can I say? I'm attracted to people who are good at their job.

What did you mean when you said, "The future of this kingdom"?

What do you call it?

What do you call this?

What do you mean it's not an elf?

What do you see?

What do you want?

What do you want? Gold? Jewels?

What do you wish for, Elfo?

What does Zog know anyway?

What happened to all the cheese? There were over 300 cubes over here.

What happened to my bravest man?

What happened to you guys?

What if I rub a sick chicken all over his face and hope for the best?

What is going on with this gift?

What is happening?

What is it?

What is this, my first rodeo?

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with you?

What is your problem, man?

What is your problem?

What kind of boyfriend are you?

What kinda candy cigarette is this?

What need have I for a horse?

What part of "no, thanks" do you not understand?

What the hell is that?

What the hell was that?

What the hell was the egg supposed to do anyway?

What the hell?

What the hell?

What the hell's wrong with my daughter?

What the...

What the... [exhales]

What the... You tryin' to tell me my little girl is this guy?

What was I born to be? Mom?

What were we just talking about?

What were you before you turned hideous?

What you need is a nice, long boat ride.

What, now you're highwaymen?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? But how could he be...

What? It's good

What? Me? Speech?

What? No, it's just a regular arrow.

What? No. This isn't my room. This is, uh, her room.

What? Nuh uh. I'm your demon, baby.

What? She's unchaperoned?

What? What's wrong with you? Why would you think that?

What? Whose attack?

What? You're gonna entrust the future of our kingdom to that twerp?

What'd he just call us?

What'd you do, forget to return a library book?

What's a rodeo? What were we talking about?

What's his name, the Forgettable... Guysbert.

What's minimum wage around here?

What's the one with the salt?

What's this weird feeling I don't want to drink away?

What's war?

What's wrong with my face?

Whatever happens, happens.

Whatever it is, it's delicious.

Whatever. I'll be in the spa room getting a hot emerald massage.

When I left Elfwood, I had no idea why, but then, here, tonight,

When in the course of human events... No, that's stupid, stupid.

When life is endless, so is everything else.

When the king returned, he found everyone frozen in place.

When their gingerbread house blew up,

When we got the set,

When we used to sneak into church to smooch on this very spot?

Where I come from, we don't possess our pronouns.

Where I could let y'all go, and we could be friends.

Where is the monster I married?

Where is...

Where the actors come out into the audience and bother people.

Where the hell are we? This fog is as thick as chowder.

Where the hell is Bean? I got a lot riding on that girl.

Where they need to, like, go and figure out who they are?

Where this demented squirrel stole his shoe.

Where was I?

Where'd she go?

Which for you is a cardboard box with a brick on it.

Which is why he's in the dungeon.

Which most certainly was not overthrown by barbarians.

Which of you brave knights will enter first?

Which one's your lucky arm?

While I question their evil motives, it is nice to see them happy.

Who are you?

Who cares what a cat has to say?

Who cares what he thinks? I don't need my dad's approval.

Who did that?

Who happened to be peering out her window at just the right moment.

Who hasn't been there?

Who is angering God with their unholy slurping?

Who is that puny, little runt?

Who needs a mother when you've got bridesmaids?

Who said you could watch the Oracle Fire?

Who, me? But I don't know how to...

Who?

Who'd you hear that from? Get out of here, scribe guy.

Who's that fat kid with the crown supposed to be?

Who's there? Stay back!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! [grunts]

Whoa! Elfo. [chuckles] Would you look at us, huh?

Whoa! Holy mother of Bean.

Whoa! I owe you an apology, Elfo.

Whoa! Pops.

Whoa! You're King Zog's daughter.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa. Am I turning into a god?

Whoa. Are you the 9:30 bus to Twinkletown?

Whoa. Hardcore.

Whoa. It's like I'm looking at you,

Whoa. That looks damn delicious. What the hell is it?

Whoa. Think of how many potatoes we could get with this.

Whoever holds the stick gets to share their feelings.

Whoo! Horse at a party! Party horse rules!

Whoo! How do you like me now?

Why am I the only one defending your girlfriend?

Why are your people going extinct?

Why didn't we give in to our instincts?

Why didn't you say so? What's his name?

Why do you always have to compare me to a cute baby? I'm a cute man.

Why don't you give the big speech at tonight's banquet?

Why don't you just get out of here?

Why don't you kiss me and find out?

Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Like a barn!

Why even bother to call it a daisy chain if you're just gonna...

Why is the crowd booing? Oh, no. I'm the talentless one!

Why me?

Why not just melt this God guy down and pass him out like coins?

Why should I trust you?

Why would I do you any favors?

Why you... I oughta... If I weren't so fat, I'd...

Will extract the demon using magnetraction.

Will they or won't they...

Wishes sound free. I don't do free.

Wisten, wady... [groans] I mean, listen, lady.

With elf magic, I could progress far beyond card tricks.

With olive skin and an unbridled sense of caution. [chuckles]

With our smooth northern dance style.

With spring vegetables.

Without half of it being muttered under their breath.

Woe is gonna be you if you don't...

Women aren't permitted to address the council.

Woo hoo! Back in Dreamland!

Word 'round the gutter is you're a right proper villain.

Work those scrawny nerd arms. Jiggle that demon back to Hell. Nice.

Would anyone care for regurgitated salmon?

Would be seen as an act of war on Dankmire.

Would you care for some lightly cursed cookies?

Would you like it engraved for a shilling?

Would Your Highness care to get in?

Would... would you... Would you wanna do that as well?

Wow, I didn't know elves were racist.

Wow, lights.

Wow, looks like it got pretty rough.

Wow, maybe someday you guys will play Cornchella.

Wow, one day you're an amazing civilization,

Wow, you're trapped in a pretty sad life.

Wow!

Wow! I can't believe you just sent so many people to their death.

Wow! My God, you guys. We should start a band.

Wow.

Wow. All right, yeah, you have a deal.

Wow. Does Dad even know about this room?

Wow. I feel better already.

Wow. I thought Hell was bad.

Wow. That is the most fun I've ever had without remembering a single moment of it.

Wow. That's pretty decent.

Wrong. She has red hair, normal teeth, no offense, and one green eye.

Wub you, snuggums!

Yay!

Yeah, and it's working. Express boat to Dankmire.

Yeah, but where's the thrill of that? I mean, don't you like it dangerous?

Yeah, buttery mouthfeel, good viscosity.

Yeah, here I go.

Yeah, I don't want to brag,

Yeah, I heard it was sour. I don't care for sour stuff.

Yeah, I know. Let's go home. Quickly.

Yeah, I reckon we don't want none of that. We just wanna even the score.

Yeah, I remember their wedding.

Yeah, I'm kinda cool that way. Thanks, Pops.

Yeah, I'm the guy that makes you feel good about doing bad things.

Yeah, it's a drug. It makes you hallucinate.

Yeah, just making murder plans with my cat.

Yeah, like Elfo, my best friend.

Yeah, like this guy.

Yeah, look, you're stuck with me forever, so just take a deep breath and..

Yeah, now what?

Yeah, Pops, listen, if you could just kinda geezer down for a moment...

Yeah, real practical.

Yeah, real successful.

Yeah, saw it on the way down.

Yeah, singing while you work's not happiness. It's mental illness.

Yeah, sure. Both of yas with me.

Yeah, that's right. Yup, now I'm remember... Just the one. Yup.

Yeah, that's where they hide 'em.

Yeah, the princess is almost never here.

Yeah, they get real judgey. [chuckles]

Yeah, uh, it's kinda not the one I wanted.

Yeah, yeah, I stink. Derek, get on Dad's back.

Yeah, you get it, man. Steal, cheat, toy with your feelings.

Yeah!

Yeah? Which one of y'all gonna stop us? Skinny girl? Kitty cat? Gross baby?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah. But it's gotta stop.

Yeah. Hey, both you hicks, drink up.

Yeah. I can't put it down.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Yelling, screaming, everything.

Yeow!

Yes, are you...

Yes, but I'm scared of what you'll do when I stop.

Yes, but never fly into my mouth again.

Yes, exactly.

Yes, I was the handsomest prince in all the land.

Yes, Mom, it's... it's me. I grew.

Yes, our emissary will steer her towards the darkness.

Yes, really far away.

Yes, well, I said "tried."

Yes, well, I suppose the life giving magic may take a while.

Yes, yesterday, you.

Yes!

Yes!

Yes! [gasps] I can never go back!

Yes! Okay, do you guys realize what's happening?

Yes! We sound amazing.

Yes.

Yikes!

Yikes.

You all think I'm a big scary monster who's gonna go on a rampage.

You allow your chimp on the bed?

You and I are two of a kind.

You are beautiful, and your skin is so soft,

You are hereby cursed from the deepest depths of the underworld!

You are just a little, green Zog.

You are not the queen. You are reanimated corpse!

You barely noticed when I traded places with that pauper for a year.

You boys waltzed into the wrong swamp. You our property now.

You callin' me a liar?

You can count on me, sire.

You can do it in the Black Light District. I always wanted to try it.

You can do it, Bean. Just use the force. Centrifugal force.

You can rest easy now and get some fresh air.

You can't have two queens.

You can't just kill every guy that kisses me.

You can't! 'Cause, uh...

You cannot stop Dankmirian progress, swamp people.

You could apologize. Maybe then the king would pardon you.

You could eat a horse?

You could just marry him

You dare question his fitness for battle?

You did it!

You did it. You finally killed someone, intentionally. I am so proud of you.

You do realize you're still hitting me?

You do? Aw, that's so nice... What the hell?

You do. You do

You don't care about me.

You don't even know what we're up to.

You don't have to tell me what happened up here

You don't know anything about us.

You don't scare me! I was born scared. Get him, men!

You don't think I'm nice. None of you do.

You don't think it'd actually work, do you?

You ever think about that?

You ever wish you could live in a place where people are really, truly happy?

You expect me to crawl around this overheated hellscape until I hear a beep?

You followed us?

You got Chazz'd. I'll bring you what you deserve.

You gotta be kidding me. Father, you can't make me...

You gotta be kidding. [shrieks]

You gotta get her here before the Royal Ball.

You gotta help me! Please!

You gravy swilling blowhard! Oh.

You guys have a band? I didn't know you were interesting.

You guys, have some compassion and respect here.

You have been exorcised.

You heard me. The Washmaster.

You heard the shish kebab. Let's give it a shot!

You help me keep up the charade a bit longer.

You just want your stupid Elixir of Life so you can be immortal and rule forever.

You keep shoveling waffles in your mouth while I think of an answer. [vocalizing]

You knew that was there the whole time?

You know how hard it is being a father without a mother doing all the work?

You know it's a great night when we're still up to see the plague patrol.

You know that voice in your head that says to do the right thing?

You know they prey on the weak in prison?

You know this place?

You know what else you are? You're selfish.

You know what we say in Hell? "Hope's for dopes."

You know what we'll do when we get home?

You know what you are? You're bad through and through,

You know what, Oona? You're insane!

You know what? Maybe stew. Stew?

You know what? This isn't so bad. No, no, no. This is actually good.

You know what? This isn't so bad. No, no, no. This is actually good.

You know, I just realized something.

You know, I realized that you do encourage Bean to do lots of things:

You know, I think a fire would be nice, yeah.

You know, I thought about being a king once.

You know, I would have left willingly!

You know, I'm gonna miss that Elfo.

You know, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's do the meal part first.

You know, I'm profoundly lonely, but I think you should leave.

You know, if you don't sleep for 72 hours, you become clinically insane.

You know, in Hell, I was a communications major.

You know, we could've just gone to marriage counseling.

You know, we could've just made out at the donkey auction.

You know? You know what I mean?

You lied to me and betrayed me. Get out!

You look great, though. Nice to meet you. They call me Luci

You meant bliss the feeling.

You mortal nerds sleep good? We're almost home

You need elf's blood.

You never do that for me.

You only keep Elfo around for his blood.

You ran off from your royal duties to get drunk.

You really wanna know?

You remembered to use a slipknot, right?

You rigged it so he'll break free and leap overboard, right?

You said to act pathetic to these women. Then you swept in and stole them.

You saved my life and rid me of that awful curse.

You say they have your elf?

You say you come from the land of candy?

You scoundrel.

You screwed up as a princess. You screwed up as a nun.

You see, there was another practitioner of the dark arts here

You served me Elfo?

You should be proud of me, Dad. I finished my speech and all the nachos.

You still seem tense. Chazz is gonna take it down a notch, okay?

You stole stuff from our dead family?

You sure we can stay, Bunts?

You talked to those hillbillies like you were from the next swamp over.

You tell me, how'd you get to be a talking cat?

You think that magic will? [scoffs]

You think this arranged marriage will solve your problems?

You think we're all just a bunch of unsophisticated, backwoods,

You think you can defeat the entire elf kingdom with six knights? Ha!

You throw one little party and Vikings take over the kingdom.

You tortured me for 24 straight hours.

You two sleep down by my feet. I call it the friend zone.

You understand.

You were lying? But my mystical vision.

You were saying?

You were such a little monkey.

You were switching our cups back and forth, and I didn't know.

You weren't trying to kiss me?

You will love this play about our glorious canal.

You will never get the vial!

You will respect me!

You won't be needing him anymore. Your appeal has been denied!

You, and you alone, are the key to the future of this kingdom.

You, like a wild animal.

You... You were turned to stone.

You'd find out that we're all about peace and love and goddamn body positivity!

You'll be amazed how much fun I am on my own.

You'll be fine, sweetie. Strap her down.

You'll do great, as long as you remember

You'll get to know the crazy, fun me,

You'll have to take me, too, 'cause I live here now.

You'll hear all of them in the first 15 minutes,

You'll never be able to fill this whole room with sand.

You're a good for nothing and you're good at nothing.

You're a great writer. I've read your diary.

You're a pampered, irresponsible layabout!

You're a scrappy, small town reporter doing a story on Elfwood, and you're...

You're a screwup, too. What about that tax on yelling that you had?

You're a sweet person.

You're a terrible king.

You're all I've got!

You're all invited to our marital evening. [laughs]

You're already beautiful. We're just gonna highlight a few things.

You're doing great

You're drinking right now.

You're going to have to choose, sire.

You're gonna send these knights to die on a quest

You're in no shape to deliver any speech.

You're just thinking about yourself, what you want.

You're late. Put these on.

You're missing an eye. I can get you one.

You're missing your chance, dude.

You're never gonna be whole until you figure out who you really are.

You're not a stone guard guy!

You're not even a little nice.

You're not sending my peanut in there

You're pacing again.

You're playing to your strengths, and not mine.

You're right. I did lie to you.

You're right. I'll go have a few drinks and we'll figure something out.

You're right. I'm gonna march up to Bean

You're ruining our lives!

You're sad and hideous. Play it up.

You're so sad. You're a sad little elf!

You're the best friends I could ever imagine.

You're the first people in history to make me say, "I'd rather be with my dad."

You're the king, not some lovelorn old fool.

You're the reason I have a drinking problem.

You're the type to steal enough for your friends.

You're wrong. I demand a second opinion!

You've been a comfort, but my priorities have changed.

You've got a talking flaming arrow?

You've had elf blood for weeks and what do you got to show for it?

You've had your fun. Now it's time to get married.

You've never said, "I'm proud of you."

You've opened up your gates and your hearts.

You've told us everything we need to know about our alliance.

Your dad will pop a blood vessel. Probably one of yours.

Your dad's got the immortality thing all wrong.

Your daughter was caught ransacking the royal tomb.

Your elf's blood won't work because this is not an elf.

Your fanatical obsession with the Elixir of Life,

Your father did all he could, but a girl just needs her mother.

Your father, bless him, but his voice does carry.

Your future is not foretold. It's what you make of it.

Your hands were all rough and sexy, anyway.

Your hands were all rough and sexy, anyway.

Your Highness, do something.

Your Highness, I have good news and bad news.

Your Highness, I have miraculous news.

Your Highness, on behalf of all of Dreamland,

Your Highness, whoever kidnapped Elfo knows about that vial, which means...

Your husband will have tentacles.

Your Majesty, it is with much heroism that I now return Princess Bean,

Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Your mom made it.

Your mother and I, we've been having some, um...

Your nose is so beautiful. Everything's so unreal.

Your snowy hair and stormy breath remind me of my homeland.

Your weird cat? I'll pulverize him.

Your wonderful queen has arrived.

Zog was the greatest warrior Dreamland has ever seen.

Zog will pay. Dagmar will pay! Tiabeanie will pay!

Zog! Drink!

Zog?

Zoggy, you have to. Before she comes after one of us.

4:01 and all is well!

"Dankmirians love protocol." [all grunt]

"Yes." [all gasp]

[all chant] Spin the elf! Spin the elf! Spin the... [screams]

[all cheer] [Bean] Whoa!

[all laughing] Ah, wow.

[all scream] Oh, my!

[all slurp] [Bean slurps]

[all slurp] [slurps]

[all slurp] [slurps]

[all slurp] [slurps]

[all slurp] [slurps]

[babbling] [chuckling]

[baby cooing] Whee! [chuckles]

[Bean burps and vomits] [chancellor] Ew!

[Bean burps] [all gasp]

[Bean laughing] [all gasp]

[Bean vocalizing] [all gasp]

[Bean] It's not. It's just,

[Bean] No! No, no, no, no. [all protest]

[Bean] Oh, no! [Luci] Yikes.

[bells ringing] [seagulls squawking]

[blow lands] [Elfo thuds]

[blow lands] [thief grunts]

[bones crack] Oh! Me back!

[chuckles] That's not a daisy. What?

[clears throat] Who wasn't trying to kill me first.

[crowd clamoring] [Zog] And furthermore!

[door closes] [sighs]

[door creaks open] [crowd gasps]

[elf] We can hear you, Elfo. Oh

[Elfo and Luci grunt] [thud]

[Elfo grunts] Come back, Baby Elfo!

[Elfo] I don't think they can anymore. [Sven] Ah?

[Elfo] Ow! [chuckles] Now I feel better.

[Eternity Pendant chimes] I think I found something! It may be...

[Eternity Pendant chiming] Wow

[fiddle music playing] [indistinct chatter]

[fox growling] [birds chirping]

[groaning] [bottles clinking]

[groans] Except I don't know how to.

[grunting] [heart beating]

[grunts] [crowd exclaims]

[grunts] [Edgar] Huh? Ow!

[grunts] I just love driving. [all cheer]

[guard 1] Shall we jump in after them? [guard 2] Please say no. Please say no

[hawk screeches] [Elfo screaming]

[horse neighs] Whoa! Easy, girl. [neighs]

[horse snorts] [Pendergast] Fellow knights,

[horse snorts] May I interest you in a joyride?

[howling] [sheep bleating in fear]

[inhales deeply and grunts] [grunts]

[instrumental music playing] [indistinct chatter]

[laughing] [Pendergast] Oh.

[laughs] [grunts]

[laughs] A laughing horse!

[Luci and Elfo grunt] [Dankmirians grunt]

[Luci and Elfo grunt] [Dankmirians grunt]

[Luci and Elfo grunt] [Dankmirians grunt]

[Luci grunts] [all grunt]

[Luci grunts] Gotcha.

[Luci yelps] [pop]

[Luci] Giddy up, Bean! Whoa, there.

[Luci] Hee ya! [horse neighs]

[Luci] I found him! You did?

[Luci] Ow, ow, ow! [Bean grunting]

[man 1] Cut off her head! [woman] Come on, kill her!

[man screaming] It's a perfect crime.

[Mertz grunts] [Sorcerio screams]

[monk] Boys, boys, boys. [knight] What?

[Moonpence] No, Minister. Good.

[Oona] Just stay close to your father! That's why I'm afraid.

[people cheering] Oh, uh, hey, a distraction!

[rustling] [gasps]

[screams and grunts] [objects clatter]

[screams] Are we in the plague pit? [man] You are!

[sheep bleating] Just remember,

[sighs] I hate this feeling. Sobriety, ma'am?

[singing stops] [Merkimer] Whoa!

[slurps] It's a lemon, guys.

[soldier] Which one? I do know how to pick 'em, don't I?

[stammers] All right, fried? I... [sighs]

[stammers] God... Uh, Merkimer. Merkimer.

[whistling stops] [both moaning]

[yells] Looks like we have a window licker.

[yelps] [man giggles]

♪ But God is slightly better ♪ ♪ God is slightly better ♪

A little bug never hurt anyone. What about that squirrel?

A play, in 16 acts. Ah.

Absolute... No, thanks. I'm good.

Ah! [all grunting]

Ah. Where she was ripped apart

Ain't you the king from Dreamland? Indeed, I am.

All right. I could do steak. [sighs in relief]

An elf. A magical elf

And by we, I mean them. Ya!

and everyone freaks out. [Kissy] Mmm hmm.

And give this guy a double. Oh, well, aren't you sweet?

And give this guy a double. Oh, well, aren't you sweet?

and I hope that never changes. [queen shrieks]

and I was in love. Pops!

and it was awful... Yeah, yeah.

and sealed in the bedroom. [Sorcerio and Bean sigh]

And we thank you for your thank you. [all grunt]

And we're in kind of a hurry, so... [continues grunting]

And? We don't have it.

Are you coming, Roger? [Roger] No, thanks!

Are you trying to make a jerk out of me? Yes.

At least, I intend to. [woman gasps]

Bean, kill him. Do not wuss out. I don't think I can.

Bean. Really?

Bean's getting yelled at by her dad. Ow!

Beer! Beer!

Birdman, activate! Oh, boy

Blowing... ...away our expectations

But I do have sex with your father. God, Oona. Ew.

But seriously, I was a chubby kid... [groaning]

But were you expecting that? Yeah, kinda

Bye bye, now. It was Elfo's fault

Call

coconut. [Cloyd] Jerry!

Come here, you... Ow, ow, ow...

Come on, cutie. Really?

Cut out the middle man, right, guys? [all gasp]

Dad, look at the size of that skillet. [door crashes open]

Dinky? What?

Does it hurt when I poke you like this? Ow!

Don't try to be my friend. You betcha

Don't worry. We ain't gonna eat you. I knew that.

Dude. Yeah, who is this mystery girl?

Easy. How?

Elf. [gasps]

Elfo, you're out of the band! What the hell?

Elfo! Don't worry, I'll get you... [Luci] Bean! Achtung!

Enjoy your special day. You, too.

Except Leavo. Speak no more of Leavo, Speako!

Fine. You need an attitude that matches you.

Go on, but sneak home by sunup, or... You'll cut off all my toes.

Got ya! No! Let go!

Grab him! [grunts]

Guards! Guards! Shh! Shh!

Hay man. What?

He didn't say that. Doesn't make it any less true.

He is, however, soft and velvety. Thank you.

He's Hansel. Und she's Gretel.

Hello. Hello.

Hey. [both scream]

How about friends? Uh uh.

I am a demon. [muffled] You're a demon?

I am land king now! [Vikings cheering]

I can tell this place already sucks... ...ceeds at...

I can't jump that high. Do it! Elfo...

I can't. I only know how to crash. [both scream]

I could eat. Great. What are we having?

I didn't say "villain." [Dagmar grunts]

I don't know. [burps]

I escaped

I get to ride you like a horse. I'll welcome the touch.

I know I am not your mother. Please don't.

I mean, think about it. Mmm.

I meant, I don't see you. [Elfo] I'm in a sack.

I'm glad you can't see this. Bye! Huh?

I'm gonna... Stop. You're just smearing it around.

I'm into big girls. What?

I'm proud of you, Beanie

It is over. This is war! Again. [Bean grunts]

It is? No! You're a dick.

It's not. Don't be so negative.

It's not. Don't be so negative.

It's Queen Oona and King Zog. [guests clapping]

It's so incredibly good! Now you've praised us too far.

Just a moment. [grunts]

Just like Elfo's girlfriend. [echoes] [grunts]

King fight! King fight! Come on.

Let me tell you a story. Please don't.

Look out! Behind us! [elves gasp]

Look who's enjoying their dinner. [Derek grunting]

Me, either. Me, either.

Might point you in the right direction. [clears throat] Hi, I'm Elfo.

Morning, Princess! Lovely day, miss!

Next round's on Zog. [all cheer]

No bridesmaids? No.

No, I also brought booze. [elves exclaim]

No, not until the king leaves the castle. The elf. Speak only in code.

No." Hmm.

Now, what was I saying? [Elfo] Ow!

Oh, I am so sorry. Let me... Oh!

Oh, I'm so sorry. [grunting]

Oh, my baby. Are you thirsty? Always.

Oh, my! Wow.

Oh, that's Bean. She's a human. [elves exclaiming]

Oh, that's Luci. He's a demon

Oh, yeah. Don't leave me alone with her!

Oh! Ah!

Oh. No, she went to Twinkletown.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Okay, good things.

Oh. They were puppies.

Okay, uh, chicken. Fried or roasted?

Ow! Help, help!

Ow! Seriously? [guests exclaiming]

People, like, ate the whole thing. Hey! That's in here, too.

Please, not her. No! [Dagmar] Bean?

Please, not her. No! [Dagmar] Bean?

Put 'er there, pal. Wow. Gotta admit, I'm impressed.

Really? Not anymore.

Say something nice. No.

She had a job? They all got jobs.

She's burning the castle! She'll eat us alive!

Sit down and shut up. [Bean groans]

So wakey wakey, nutbag. [grunts]

So, you'll do my bidding? Uh, no.

Sorry I can't make your wedding. You wanna switch places?

Stop it. You're too discouraging. You're too encouraging.

Stop! No! Don't do it! Do it. Do it.

Summon our stealthiest assassin. Right here, sir.

That is wheat, Your Highness. Wheat. What?

That's not fair. Don't listen to Elfo.

There's someone I'd like you to meet. Whoa!

This ain't about my impulse control. Or lack thereof, tubby.

This here is the feeling stick. [stick rattles]

This wedding is all messed up. We've got to save the alliance.

Those are his feet, Your Highness. Those are feet?

Those're mosquito bites. I'm scratching with excitement.

To Merkimer! [all] To Merkimer!

To us. But mainly me!

Uh huh. Aw.

Um, well, can I be honest with you? Yeah, of course.

Um, well, can I be honest with you? Yeah, of course.

Wait, I'm sorry, man. [all coughing]

was mysteriously poisoned. [choking]

We deserve to be beaten with our food. [laughs] I would rather eat it

We gotta do something special for him. [Luci] Let him sit on your lap at dinner.

We're gonna bury the bear. [Derek] Okay.

Well, I love the smell of wet grass. Me, too!

Well, I'll tell you what we do know. What do we know?

Well, what do you want? Oh, I don't care. It's your last meal

What about you? Maybe I am.

What are we gonna do? We've got another son.

What are we praying for now? Oh, for...

What happened here? Maru happened here.

What happened to you? It's not her fault.

What the hell? [Chazz] You're cured.

What? Apologies, Your Highness.

What? The hay man? What the hey, man?

What's up? Why did you jump?

Wheat

Wheat. What?

Wheat. What?

Wheat. What?

Wheat. What?

when our one and only child came along. [Bean babbles]

Where am I? [Elfo] In the hold of a cargo ship.

Where did that come from? [chuckles] You're welcome.

Where did they go? Only one place they could have gone.

Where do you think he was going? Who?

Where there's a will, there's a way. There's not.

Where'd she go? Which one's the giant?

Whew. I'm a good butcher. This is a pet shop.

Who was that? [Roger] Name's Roger!

Wow! Beautiful. Oona, you grew up here.

Wow. You're a natural. Really?

Yes. Yes, we do. [door opens]

You are two minutes late. [all grunt]

You can? Yes! Absolutely.

You could use some, though. I really shouldn't.

You didn't stop me. [gasps]

You guys came for me? [grunting]

You let Princess run away? For now.

You look like you're in his league. [Bean groans]

You miss your tuffet, do you? Oh, ever so much.

You miss your tuffet, do you? Oh, ever so much.

You must leave our humble home! Get out, praiser.

You shall never find me! [Bean] There you are!

You're a lady? Gender is a spectrum.

You're like a terrible friend? I never said I'm your friend.

You're magic, right? Yep.

You're not an elf

Your Highness. Eh?

Your tooth is beautiful, too. Ah.

Your whining really turns me on. There's more where that came from.

...and even though I knew I was destined for greatness,

...but I've brought up a bottle from the cellar.

...he changed the way I looked at things.

...nity

'Cause Bean here knows where real treasures are buried.

'Cause before, you said it was prehensile. So, just saying.

'Cause I told you?

'Cause I'll do anything. I can get you money.

'cause I'm full of shrimp and I need to lay down.

'cause I'm his "girlfriend."

'Cause it seemed like...

'cause she'll be here to hold my hair back and stuff.

'cause you are stuck with me for all eter...

'Cause you know that swamp monster don't take no for an answer.

'Course, I'm not threatened by that. Women gotta support women.

'Kay. [yelps]

"Acceptable" is more like it,

"After seeing my golf score,

"And they looked into each other's eyes, and the question arose.

"Do you dare enter the Cave of the Single Trap?"

"Ear wax"? Does it mean it's for ears or from ears?

"Elixir Vitae con Arroz."

"Embarrassed yet unbowed, the scrivener made his egress.

"Get Bent, Dad."

"Hi, I'm Elfo."

"Him?

"I'm a big, fat king, and I'm married to a salamander,

"My wife says I play too much golf

"No more curtains."

"The danger is near."

"They consider it rude to bow without bowing first."

"To lift the curse of Death itself, one drop of blood from a true born elf.

"Warm refers to the sweltering temperature,

"Why, certainly, my good man."

"Wing it"?

[all cheering and applauding]

[all cheering]

[all cheering]

[all cheering]

[all cheering]

[all clapping and exclaiming]

[all exclaiming]

[all gasp angrily]

[all gasp loudly]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all gasp]

[all groan]

[all grunt]

[all grunt]

[all grunt]

[all grunting]

[all grunting]

[all inhale]

[all laugh]

[all mumbling indistinctly]

[all scream]

[all scream]

[all scream]

[all scream]

[all scream]

[all screaming]

[all screaming]

[all screaming]

[all screaming]

[all sighing]

[all yelling]

[all] Queen fight! Queen fight! Queen fight!

[babies crying]

[bagpipes playing

[bang]

[Bean and Elfo grunt]

[Bean and Elfo grunting]

[Bean and Elfo screaming]

[Bean grunting]

[Bean grunts]

[Bean grunts]

[Bean grunts] Caramel strips?

[Bean howling]

[Bean screaming]

[Bean screams]

[Bean sighs]

[Bean sighs] Thank you for saving us, sir.

[Bean] A drug door.

[Bean] As rewarding as it is to kill people,

[Bean] But we released evil upon the world.

[Bean] Elfo, have I got a surprise for you.

[Bean] Elfo! [grunting]

[Bean] Fine, coward.

[Bean] Hey!

[Bean] Ho!

[Bean] I can do it. I can do it.

[Bean] It can't.

[Bean] It's drunk and I'm late. We better sneak in quietly.

[Bean] Mermaids!

[Bean] No, he gets crumbs everywhere.

[Bean] Oh, no.

[Bean] Oh!

[Bean] Okay, it's all set.

[Bean] Princess Tiabeanie and Queen Dagmar!

[Bean] Wearing dresses is hard.

[Bean] What was that noise?

[Bean] Where are you taking me?

[bell dings]

[bell rings]

[bell tolling]

[bell tolling]

[bell tolling]

[bell tolling]

[bell tolling]

[bells ringing]

[bells ringing]

[bells tolling]

[biting]

[blows landing rhythmically]

[blows]

[bones crack]

[boots scraping]

[both chuckle]

[both coughing]

[both giggling]

[both giggling]

[both grunt]

[both grunt]

[both grunting]

[both grunting]

[both laughing maniacally]

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

[both moaning]

[both snickering]

[both] Elixir of Life with Rice!

[both] Yeah?

[boy] Shut up.

[boy] This means war

[breathing heavily]

[breathing heavily]

[breathy chuckle]

[bubbling]

[bugle blaring]

[Bunty] Baby Elfo!

[burps loudly] Hmm.

[burps]

[cackles]

[cackles]

[cackling]

[cackling]

[cackling]

[cackling]

[cackling]

[cackling]

[captain] Now listen up, you landhuggers.

[chancellor grunts]

[chanting in Latin]

[chanting in Latin]

[chattering and clambering]

[cheerful music playing over gramophone]

[chicken clucks then wheezes]

[chicken squawks]

[chirps]

[choking and struggling]

[chomps] Hmm.

[chuckles and clears throat]

[chuckles and exclaims]

[chuckles and sighs]

[chuckles mockingly] Ugh!

[chuckles nervously] Woo!

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

[chuckles] Calm down.

[chuckles] He called you a gross baby.

[chuckles] I don't know how you stop yourselves.

[chuckles] I mean, a deal's a deal. Yikes.

[chuckles] I'm having so much joy right now.

[chuckles] I'm pretty high.

[chuckles] Look what we caught in our little trap.

[chuckles] Not even close. It's me. I'm Elfo.

[chuckles] Oh, come on, you know you enjoyed it.

[chuckles] Oh, the fun we had.

[chuckles] Oh, wait, I'm far away.

[chuckles] Oh. Hey, guys. Has the party started

[chuckles] Oh. That's cool. That's cool. I can be somebody's regret.

[chuckles] Rookie mistake. Oh, dear.

[chuckles] Something tickles. Is there a mosquito on my leg?

[chuckles] Yeah, right.

[chuckles] Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

[chuckles] You put a dandelion in the daisy basket.

[chuckling nervously] So, Merkimer, I know I've been a little cold and distant,

[chuckling]

[chuckling]

[chuckling] I don't know how to say this. Ugh!

[chuckling] Oh. Um... Hi.

[chuckling] What are you, an art critic? Shut up.

[clapping]

[clatters]

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[clears throat] Bean, Bean, Bean. [chuckles]

[clears throat] Hello? Everybody?

[clears throat] If we could get to the point of our visit

[clears throat] In consultation with Guysbert's grieving parents,

[climbing rope]

[clucking]

[clucks then coughs]

[clucks]

[coins jingling]

[coins jingling]

[continues vocalizing]

[coughing]

[coughing]

[coughs]

[coughs]

[crashing]

[creaking]

[crowd applauding halfheartedly]

[crowd chanting] King fight! King fight! King fight!

[crowd cheering and applauding]

[crowd cheering and applauding]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd gasp]

[crowd gasping]

[crowd gasps]

[crowd gasps]

[crowd gasps]

[crowd gasps]

[crowd hooting and cheering]

[crowd murmurs]

[crowd] Aw!

[crowd] Dagmar!

[crowing]

[crown clangs]

[crying]

[crying]

[crying]

[crying] Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I lied.

[crystal ball buzzes]

[Dagmar sighing]

[Dagmar] We must go, darling. Quickly. The attack has begun.

[Dankmirians grunt]

[Dankmirians grunting]

[delicate bell chiming]

[demon vocalizes and grunts]

[demon] Ha!

[demons laughing]

[Derek and Zog groan]

[Derek and Zog whimper]

[Derek yelps]

[Derek] "More tea, General?"

[Derek] And as we trudged through the swamp,

[Derek] Yeah, we've had a rough day. Maybe we could just go to bed?

[distant trumpeting]

[distant vocalizing]

[distorted trumpet sound]

[dog howling]

[donkeys braying]

[donkeys braying]

[door closes]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[door opens]

[echoing]

[electricity crackling]

[elf king] Elfo, I warn thee.

[elf] He's with an outsider and a deformed cat.

[elf] They might not fit in.

[elf] We are not racist!

[elf] What's bad about it? Oh, never mind, I see.

[Elfo and Bean cheer]

[Elfo and Bean cheering]

[Elfo and Bean screaming]

[Elfo and Luci slurping]

[Elfo and Luci slurping]

[Elfo grunts and chuckles]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo grunts]

[Elfo inhales]

[Elfo kissing and moaning]

[Elfo screaming]

[Elfo screaming]

[Elfo screams]

[Elfo screams]

[Elfo screams]

[Elfo sighs]

[Elfo slurping]

[Elfo whimpers]

[Elfo] "Kill me." Aw!

[Elfo] 312, 313...

[Elfo] Bean, don't feel bad. Sometimes being an adult

[Elfo] But it's like you do the slightest thing here,

[Elfo] Caramel can be a coating, a filling, or a candy unto itself.

[Elfo] Doink.

[Elfo] Help, help!

[Elfo] Hmm?

[Elfo] I can't make an eye. I can't even find one.

[Elfo] In here! Hurry, it's really itchy!

[Elfo] In the hold of a cargo ship.

[Elfo] It's like they all have peppermint sticks up their asses.

[Elfo] Mmm, mmm.

[Elfo] Mmm.

[Elfo] Mmm...

[Elfo] Nah, I kinda got my pants full over here.

[Elfo] Not totally.

[Elfo] Ow!

[Elfo] So, I hope our drugged out kiss isn't making things awkward.

[Elfo] So, now you're telling me your tail has a mind of its own?

[Elfo] Thank you.

[Elfo] Uh, excuse me, pardon me.

[Elfo] We can't let him destroy Luci.

[Elfo] We're almost there.

[Elfo] Well, at least we saved Luci.

[Elfo] What the hell?

[Elfo] What?

[Elfo] What's going on? Why's everyone so excited?

[Elfo] Whoa.

[Elfo] Why is everyone always saying that?

[Elfo] Why not?

[elves cheering]

[elves exclaiming]

[elves gasp]

[elves screaming]

[elves screaming]

[Eternity Pendant chimes]

[Eternity Pendant chiming]

[Eternity Pendant chiming]

[exclaiming]

[exclaims]

[exclaims]

[exclaims] I cannot imagine. Such disrespect.

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales]

[exhales] I'm just gonna lie down.

[exhales] Now it's just me and the wee ones.

[fabric tearing]

[fading away] No!

[fairies laughing]

[fairy] Hey, there.

[fiddle playing]

[flies buzzing]

[fly buzzing]

[footsteps approaching]

[gags]

[gasping]

[gasping]

[gasping] That's hot. Mother bitch.

[gasps and chuckles]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps]

[gasps] Are you okay?

[gasps] Bean!

[gasps] Don't do that.

[gasps] Got rid of it?

[gasps] I'll be able to see out of it?

[gasps] I'm gonna drink flaming grog from a baby skull.

[gasps] Is it my grandpa trying to open a jar?

[gasps] It is so weird to wake up on the back of a flying griffin

[gasps] It is so weird to wake up on the back of a flying griffin

[gasps] Oh.

[gasps] The Omnicon!

[gasps] They must be planning a sneak attack on Dreamland!

[gasps] Ugh! She did it again.

[gasps] Wait, you know about the demon?

[gasps] Watch out. The road is blocked. Stop!

[gasps] We can't let the Eternity Pendant fall into the wrong hands.

[gasps] Weapons? You people have got to stop.

[gasps] You just killed my lawyer

[gasps] You!

[gasps] Your Majesty...

[gasps] Zog's leaving the church. We must track his progress.

[gate closing]

[gate unlocks]

[giant growling]

[giant growls]

[giant grunts]

[giggles]

[giggles] Okay, let's go

[giggling echoes]

[giggling echoes]

[giggling] That's my tummy!

[gnome] Is this Number One Castle Drive?

[gnomes yelling]

[Gretel] Oh, we were crazy long before we met the witch.

[griffin] I decorated it myself. With objects that fell into it.

[groaning and snoring]

[groaning]

[groaning]

[groaning] Come on...

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans]

[groans] "I got killed by a chair."

[groans] Can we have one dinner where we're not watching Jester?

[groans] Castle looks pretty good. Main entrance nice and clean.

[groans] Even that.

[groans] I can't just tell one of 'em to get lost.

[groans] I'd rather die than listen to this. I'm going in.

[groans] I'll find you, Elfo.

[groans] Look at this! There's more blood in my chamber pot.

[groans] My eye!

[groans] My knees are full of splinters.

[groans] Never send a princess to do a demon's job

[groans] Stop it with the tongues.

[groans] That is it!

[groans] What do you want from me?

[groans] What... what happened?

[groans] You use your curtains to escape one time and your dad's all like,

[growling]

[growling]

[growling]

[growling]

[growling]

[growls]

[growls]

[growls]

[growls]

[gruff voice] Open the gates of... I mean, the ribbon.

[grunting and screaming]

[grunting and yelling]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting]

[grunting] Ow!

[grunts and sighs]

[grunts in frustration]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts]

[grunts] 'Sup, ladies?

[grunts] After the king goes the queen!

[grunts] Alas, the demon remains,

[grunts] Chazz has the stick.

[grunts] I compliment you on that one, sir.

[grunts] I never wanna think that thought again.

[grunts] It's okay.

[grunts] Ow!

[grunts] She's leaving with the vial!

[grunts] Stop talking to me.

[grunts] When I'm immortal, I'll have plenty of time to consider things.

[grunts] You sure this is safe?

[guard 1] Aw. Oh, that kind of "take care of them."

[guests gasp]

[guests scream]

[gulps]

[hammering in distance]

[Hansel and Gretel giggling]

[Hansel] Nein, she adopted us und gave us candy, but not enough.

[Hansel] This is like ham,

[Hansel] We ate our parents.

[harmonious singing]

[hay man] At last, the elf.

[hay man] Bless you.

[herald] And now, the main event!

[herald] And that concludes the warm up entertainment.

[herald] Four o'clock and all is well!

[herald] Hear ye, hear ye!

[herald] Hear ye, hear ye!

[herald] Now announcing the triumphant return of our heroes

[hisses]

[hissing]

[honk]

[horse laughing] Hey!

[horse neighs]

[horse neighs]

[horse neighs]

[horse neighs]

[horse neighs]

[horse neighs]

[horses neigh]

[horses neigh]

[horses neighing]

[humming]

[imitates chicken clucking]

[in baby voice] Baby doesn't like playtime?

[in English] Please, come in.

[in German] Nein, Hansel und Gretel!

[in German] Schnell!

[in normal voice] Uh, yeah, we're open to it.

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct murmurs]

[inhales deeply] Ah!

[inhales sharply and moans]

[inhales]

[inhales]

[jaunty tavern music plays]

[jester] Mmm, boy, the new armor these days.

[jester] Oh, no

[Jo] Of course. Cremorrah.

[Jo] There he is.

[kisses]

[kisses]

[kissing]

[Kissy] Oh, Elfo, you're so naughty

[Kissy] Oh, yeah.

[knight] You got it!

[knights cheer]

[knights grunting]

[knights shouting indistinctly]

[knights straining]

[knights] Yes, sir!

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing] Stop!

[laughing] That's enough. Stop.

[laughs and groans]

[laughs mockingly] See? Even the gods don't want you to do it.

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs]

[laughs] Do you wanna dance?

[laughs] Thank you, Princess Tiabeanie.

[laughs] There she goes.

[laughs] Yes, of course she can.

[laughs] You have got to be...

[lid slams, locks click]

[loudly] What?

[Luci chuckles]

[Luci growling]

[Luci grunting]

[Luci grunts]

[Luci grunts]

[Luci grunts]

[Luci grunts]

[Luci laughs]

[Luci laughs]

[Luci sighs]

[Luci snickers] You've never met Bean, have you?

[Luci sniffing]

[Luci snores]

[Luci stammers]

[Luci yelling]

[Luci] A happy ending for everyone.

[Luci] Can't believe Elfo stuck to his story

[Luci] Dude, she needs her flesh.

[Luci] Excuse me. Pardon me. Cat with a ball.

[Luci] Fire doesn't hurt demons. You're only hurting Bean.

[Luci] Fun night?

[Luci] Good luck.

[Luci] Hey, Bat Bean, fly over here.

[Luci] Hey, uh, what do I do with this leg?

[Luci] Hold on, there's something I've always wanted to try.

[Luci] Meow, guys. What up?

[Luci] No!

[Luci] Noice.

[Luci] Oh! No! It burns! It burns!

[Luci] Ow!

[Luci] Shh, shh, shh. Shut up.

[Luci] So, when are you getting married?

[Luci] Take off your shirt!

[Luci] Uh, nobody in this body but us princesses, man.

[Luci] You have got to learn to read a room.

[Luci] You're a sacred tool.

[man 2] What's the holdup?

[man groans]

[man] ♪ We're going on a mission To help our friend Elfo ♪

[man] Announcing King Zog, Queen Oona and... Who cares?

[man] Gah.

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] Hey!

[man] I'm hidden in the deepest, darkest part of the cave.

[man] Ma'am, you're coming with us.

[man] Nice moves, grandpa!

[man] Oh, no.

[man] Put on some pants!

[man] Really? Fascinating. Exquisite.

[man] That green guy's freaking me out.

[medieval music playing]

[men cheering]

[men gasp]

[Meriker] Sad...

[Merkimer grunts]

[Merkimer] He's right, my darling.

[Merkimer] Ooh!

[Mertz's mother] Aw, that's sweet. You miss your friend.

[Mertz's mother] What if there's a third?

[Mertz's mother] You put on metal clothes, I'm supposed to stop worrying about you?

[Mertz's mother] You won't even know I'm here. Don't slouch, peanut.

[Mertz] Merkimer may be gone, but at least he prepaid for the barge.

[mimics radio static] Roger that. Git. Go on.

[mimics radio static] We got a 619 in progress.

[moans]

[moans]

[moans] Just bury me alive next to these elf tracks.

[monster whimpers]

[Moonpence] Goat loaf.

[Moonpence] Yes, Minister?

[muffled grunting]

[muffled grunting]

[muffled grunts]

[muffled] Ah.

[muffled] Probably not.

[munches]

[munching]

[music stops]

[mutters] What is this, some kinda slam against me? Well, okay.

[nervously] You know, if you think about it,

[objects clattering]

[Odval] But I can.

[Odval] Someone left the door open.

[ogre groans]

[oinking]

[Oona growls]

[Oona snoring]

[organ music playing]

[owl hoots]

[owl hoots]

[owl hoots]

[oxen bellowing]

[panting]

[panting]

[panting]

[panting]

[panting]

[panting] No, not the woods. People go in there and never come back.

[passengers] Whoa!

[Pendergast grunting]

[Pendergast grunts]

[Pendergast grunts]

[Pendergast] All right, men, we've got ten minutes until our saddles melt.

[Pendergast] No one could survive that many tumbles.

[Pendergast] Retreat! Retreat!

[Pendergast] The footprints stop dead right here.

[people cheering]

[people cheering]

[pig squealing]

[pigs squeal, grunt]

[pigs squealing]

[playing fanfare]

[playing happy tune on flute]

[plays melody]

[Pops] Elfo, my boy!

[queen continues yelling]

[rapid thumping]

[retches]

[rhythmic clapping]

[rhythmic clapping]

[scatting]

[scatting]

[scoffs and gulps]

[scoffs] Look at all those fools dancing. It would be so...

[scoffs] No.

[screaming and grunting]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screams and grunts]

[screams and sneezes]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams]

[screams] Don't sneak up on a guy...

[screams] My shiny new arm!

[Shocko] Wha...

[shrieking]

[shrieks]

[shrieks]

[shrieks]

[shrieks] The ghost of Queen Dagmar!

[shudders]

[shushing]

[sighs heavily]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[sighs] Are you crazy or under a curse?

[sighs] Elfo, I just wish I could see you one last time.

[sighs] Humans bring nothing but treachery and pain.

[sighs] I can't believe it's hardly changed at all.

[sighs] I just want to do what everybody else does,

[sighs] If only I was caressing your warm, soft hand

[sighs] Look at this cake.

[sighs] Okay, here we go.

[sighs] So typical of my family to get rid of my friends like this.

[sighs] Them's good people.

[sighs] There's only one thing left to do. I'm switching teams.

[sighs] Well, I got into some shenanigans in my day,

[sighs] Why does everyone have to know me?

[sighs] Yeah. Her family's all dead, by the way,

[sighs] You know what? Never mind.

[sighs] You're just in time for supper.

[slurping] It's fine.

[slurps and gulps]

[slurps loudly]

[slurps] Uh, what's your specialty?

[slurring] Hey, hey, Bunty, can you steer my stumbles

[slurring] Ladies and gentlemen, I am the Honorable Ambassador

[slurring] Oh, that's easy. Dwarf! [chuckles]

[slurring] Okay, okay.

[slurring] What's the difference between a dwarf and an elf?

[slurring] Whoops a daisies. Let me give it a spinneroo.

[snaps]

[snarling]

[sneezes]

[sneezes]

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

[sniffs] and conformity!

[sniffs] Aw, he's like a coconut.

[sniffs] caramel...

[sniffs] Wait, I smell cocoa...

[snores]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[snoring]

[snorts]

[Sorcerio] Farewell, Malfus.

[speaking through teeth] Oh, my God, shut up.

[splash]

[splash]

[splat]

[squeaking]

[squealing and grunting]

[squeals]

[squeals]

[squeals]

[squeals]

[squeals]

[squirting]

[stammering] I'm just kicking back with my new cat.

[stammering] She... No... She's... Who?

[stammering] Wait, this is... this is just... It's a lot.

[stammers] Better.

[stammers] Enough chitchat.

[stammers] I can't really believe that you're alive and Elfo is dead.

[stammers] I didn't mean for that. I'm so sorry.

[stammers] I only got in trouble once, and, uh,

[stammers] My new King and Queen in laws.

[stammers] What did you say?

[Stan] No, looks like you got a promotion. You're the executioner today.

[steam hisses]

[steam hissing]

[stomachs rumbling]

[stomping]

[straining]

[straining]

[stuttering] I don't if I'd say "dinky."

[stutters] Help yourself! Do it. Do it. Do it!

[stutters] I mean, I smell fear.

[stutters] Salt soup! There you are. Salt soup.

[Superviso] Elfo! Kissy! No tummy touching!

[Sven] Please, don't hammer my fingers.

[Sven] Why are there so many dead things floating in the Elixir of Life?

[swallows]

[swallows] Hmm. I like this, but as a friend.

[swords clinking]

[tape rewinds]

[tape rewinds]

[tape rewinds]

[tape rewinds]

[Tess grunts]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

[throat singing]

[thudding]

[thuds]

[thunder continues cracking]

[thunder cracking]

[thunder cracking]

[torch ignites]

[trumpeting]

[trumpeting]

[Turbish] I have theory. Maybe they go up.

[Turbish] Ugh.

[turkey clucking]

[turkey gobbling]

[turkeys clucking]

[tuts] No, you don't, smart guy. 'Cause I'm banishing you from the castle.

[tuts] No, you don't, smart guy. 'Cause I'm banishing you from the castle.

[upbeat music plays]

[Vikings muttering indistinctly]

[Vikings thud]

[Vikings yelling]

[vocalizes]

[vocalizing]

[walruses singing]

[walruses singing]

[water splashes]

[weakly] If I say no, will I seem less manly?

[whimpering]

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

[whimpers]

[whispering] but he doesn't mind if you still wanna mess around.

[whispering] Guys, think we should do this?

[whispering] Oh, so soft.

[whispers] Often the most regrettable hookups.

[whistles]

[whistling]

[whistling]

[whistling]

[whooping]

[woman grunts]

[woman] If anyone asks, just be honest and say she was alive when we ran away.

[woman] Shut up!

[woman] Whoo!

[yelling indistinctly]

[yelling]

[yelling]

[yelling] This is why you're still single!

[yells and grunts]

[yells]

[yells] Jeez, it burns! This is all your fault!

[yelping and grunting]

[yelps]

[Zog groans]

[Zog grunting]

[Zog grunting]

[Zog sighs]

[Zog] ...until I laid eyes on her.

[Zog] But then came that fateful night.

[Zog] In fact, we can get a whole toy graveyard goin'.

[Zog] Mmm.

[Zog] My older brother Yog, who'd been next in line for the throne,

[Zog] Oh, Beanie, you're a no good, drunken disgrace.

[Zog] Old Man Touchy.

[Zog] So the crown was mine, but I was no ruler. I was a fighter.

[Zog] That's my girl

[Zog] The old castle mental ward.

[Zog] What the... A movable knickknack nook?

[Zog] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, no, you don't.

[Zog] With the goddamn salary I pay you.

[Zog] You.

♪ Found out how The Valley of Scorpions got its name ♪

♪ Humanity's a wretched lot ♪

♪ I am bad and you are bad And we are bad together ♪

♪ I got the stinger on my dinger And now it's all inflamed ♪

♪ It's a ha ha ha and a hee hee hee ♪

♪ It's a ho ho ho and a hee hee hee ♪

♪ Let's party ♪

♪ Listen to us whistle adorably ♪

♪ Oh, monster gonna have Zog gumbo Monster gonna have Zog gumbo ♪

♪ Our minds are blank But our hearts are free ♪

♪ Sing a little softer We're in avalanche terrain ♪

♪ We drink all night, uncontrollably ♪

♪ We work all day and we sing with glee ♪

♪ We're as happy as we can be ♪

♪ We're pretty sure he's lying But we still have to go ♪

♪...wretched lot ♪

♪ Elfwood is the place we'll never flee ♪

♪ Hanging Elfo from the Gumdrop Tree A strangly dangly activity ♪

♪ Monster gonna have Zog gumbo ♪