One Day at a Time - Season 1 Edit

A "the whole family wears blue" thing

A couple moves you...

A crappy chick flick by myself.

A donation to kiva... in my name!

A father would make sure that his little girl had a quinces.

A handsome, available man in Afghanistan.

A lightning bolt went through me and I saw my future.

A partner.

A quinces is just about the village celebrating that you're a woman,

A silent Cuban? Hey, I'd like to meet one of those.

A tall, hot child!

A threesome is not normal.

A tit tank and a flannel.

A white girl like yourself's gotta start worrying around 30.

A woman that doesn't know anything about cars.

A... a social justice warrior.

Abby, I am hairless.

About my mom's love life.

Abuelita is talking to ghost abuelito again.

Abuelita washed them. She said my cuffs looked shabby.

Abuelita, give me back my yearbook!

Abuelita, it's just the wording is kind of provocative.

Abuelita, no. We're not doing this again.

Abuelita, what's this?

Abuelita...

Abuelita's greener than you.

Abuelita's right. We need a car, but we can't afford a car

Actually, I do.

Actually, I was just about to go home and make dinner for my kids.

Actually, I'm glad you reminded me.

Actually, in today's medical industry,

Actually, it sounds like the patients won't get the same amount of time

Actually, my friends are having a dinner party.

Actually, scratch that. I'm addicted to gambling.

Actually...

After all, abuelita, you don't even believe half that stuff.

After all, women in their late 30s are in their sexual prime.

After an argument with her daughter about religion?

After I worked so hard to give you an opportunity

After introducing my 12 year old son to threesomes,

After last night's ugliness,

After spending 40 bucks at the ring toss.

After the day I've had, I deserve a slickers.

Again, love what you're saying, but, uh,

Ah, Elena... I've always been your hero.

Ah, it's cool. I had to get out of my apartment.

Ah, of course, Hoochie.

Ah, screw her. She's so lame.

Ah, so we've got two fancy tools up in here.

Ah, that viejita's no dummy.

Ah, yes.

Ah, you're like me.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! ¡Ay, carajo!

Ah! Gracias!

Ah! Stop...

Ah! There are my beautiful niñas.

Ah! Yeah!

Ah.

Ah.

Ah... Yo entiendo.

Ahoy, echo parrrk!

Ai, sorry, sorry!

Alcoholic beverages per week?

Alex is already using hair gel.

Alex ordered some sneakers for school.

Alex was supposed to be Victor's job.

Alex was watching a racy movie.

Alex, help.

Alex, it's okay.

Alex, no one's home. Your mom just left.

Alex, tell your mother that funny story that happened in chemistry class.

Alex, there's no way you can keep all these sneakers

Alex, you know Mrs. Resnick doesn't go faster.

Alex!

Alex.

Alex.

All here. Not out of town.

All I know is that a good catholic does not skip church.

All I wanted was a good reason why, and you just gave me one.

All I'm saying is we're equal.

All I'm saying is, there's a reason

All men are adult babies. I know.

All of this is exactly why I need to talk to Alex.

All over each other like the old days.

All right, all right.

All right, come on, Abby.

All right, everybody, get out of here,

All right, everybody, go do your homework. Schneider, go call one of your moms.

All right, everyone, uh, before you all leave,

All right, it's Friday night. Family dinner time. Come on, let's go!

All right, let's do this.

All right, let's set this thing up, guys.

All right, Mami, you win!

All right, meeting adjourned. Thank you, everybody.

All right, we need a diversion until they get back

All right? I'm doing my own thing. And it... and it's working. I promise.

All right.

All right.

All right. Maybe this will entice you.

All right. You think you got what it takes?

All she's talked about the past two weeks is my stupid dance with Josh.

All the hours of sacrifice, all the practice.

All they want to do is hang out in there.

All those practices I took you to finally paid off.

All you have to do is find a boy and twat at him.

Also, you're sitting on him.

Although I won't be over there much longer.

Although it was weird that you told me to get it.

Although you can record the show for free.

Although, god did make us in his image.

Alvarez, 2294.

Alvarez, 2294.

Alvarez, 2294. I know.

Alvarez, 2294...

Alvarez, let's go! There's a street fair downstairs.

Alvarez! 2294!

Alvarez! With an "a"!

Am I in trouble?

Am I just a puddle, a carrot, and a magic hat?

Am I right?

And a cape.

And a fertile area for what is now our biannual staff meeting.

And a fro yo with three too many toppings. The kind that I make you and Elena split.

And a threesome, eh?

And actually, I have another favor to ask.

And after that, I can't even remember seeing him smile.

And all day long, she would slice onions...

And all of this...

And all these boys were talking to me, which is the last thing I want.

And anyone who says they're an entrepreneur.

And anyway, this is like 20 years from now

And as for a Turkey sandwich, he would quote, "rather drink a cup of barf."

And ask what happens

And at sunset, your papi bet me $5 that he'd marry me.

And be so much happier when they see your handsome mug.

And because he's not getting help, he almost did something stupid.

And bring a little red lipstick along.

And dance into the night?

And does all that dad stuff?

And Elena, you can't cheat in this game like you do in scrabble.

And even right now to be able to say, "Okay, they're insane, we're not."

And eventually, that's how they saw me, not as a woman at all.

And for Elena...

And found out they're totally misogynistic.

And four living stepmothers...

And go back to when they used fax machines

And god doesn't make mistakes.

And good to see you again, Elena's best friend, Carmen,

And guys are really bad at it in the beginning.

And he did.

And he is great.

And he is handsome, and I'm coming in.

And he wants...

And he's only been there one month

And here...

And honestly, if I feel like having a couple of coronas

And I am finally enjoying some time to myself.

And I am here.

And I am not totally okay with it.

And I am so glad that that gives you comfort.

And I am your mother, and I decide what you decide.

And I can't have that problem here with the kids. So, you gotta go.

And I decide if I want obese kids or the pope staring at me while I pee.

And I don't want it to get stuck in his brain that this is what sex is.

And I ended up going from periods into the whole sex talk.

And I gave you some medicine, you would take it.

And I get it.

And I had borrowed my sister maruchi's red dress.

And I had snuck into the havana club.

And I hate myself for it.

And I have a lot of trouble saying no.

And I have to admit, Scott is not a terrible nurse.

And I haven't been so good at keeping up. But I want to.

And I hope you'll keep me in the loop when it does.

And I just kept thinking about everything that she had to go through

And I know our lupe.

And I know who you are in here.

And I listened to mom, too. I was very professional.

And I may have led her to believe that I know how to salsa dance.

And I must say, I'm very attracted to the concept of nothing changing.

And I need to look nice in case I die in my sleep.

And I prayed that he would keep you safe.

And I pushed myself outside my comfort zone.

And I ran into someone?

And I realized what I wanted wasn't a date.

And I swear to God, if that vieja calls me Maria one more time...

And I think it's beautiful.

And I thought it was hilarious.

And I walked him through everything I know about lesbians.

And I want things to be different.

And I was about to enter the heart...

And I was worried sick.

And I will never bother you about that again.

And I won!

And I would just be very happy if we could continue whatever this is.

And I... I want you to come to me.

And I'll have you know, I was invited to several pride parades.

And I'm circling the block.

And I'm gonna make it rain informative data.

And I'm gonna put my foot down and say this Sunday we're not going to church.

And I'm gonna say, "here's what's up."

And I'm her son, Alex.

And I'm honored.

And I'm just a narrow minded homofallopian.

And I'm just realizing I should've asked her before I even gave it to you,

And I'm left to pick up the slack, because moms are special?

And I'm not having this conversation.

And I'm not naive. But Elena's just not that advanced.

And I'm not saying god doesn't exist.

And I'm offended, but I get it.

And I'm okay with that.

And I'm one of the lucky ones.

And I'm putting my phone on silent.

And I'm so happy that we're talking like this.

And I'm sorry for that, too. And that.

And I'm sorry for that, too. And that.

And I'm sorry.

And if I had to diagnose what's happening, you're jealous because I'm killing it.

And if I were, it wouldn't be to my little brother

And if you don't like it, well, then, that's your problem.

And if you just drop in out of the blue like this,

And in my case, the answer was always yes.

And ironically, it happened in first period.

And is that a clean toilet brush? I think not!

And it wasn't safe in the house.

And it wasn't safe in the house.

And it's easy to get burned out? I get it.

And it's okay, Mom. It's something that helps.

And it's only a crime to leave children in a hot car if it's parked.

And keep your voice down because the kids can't know.

And kiss on the cheek from your mom,

And like every other clown, I want to punch him in the face.

And Lori always burns herself.

And maybe the people in school would listen to your garbage ideas.

And monsters drink alone.

And moved on to someone whose bicycle isn't wearing sneakers.

And my quinces is two months away!

And my shade is Scarlet sunrise.

And not because you're feeling pressured.

And now, I'm gonna say to you

And now... I never will.

And on the same day, he was crushed by a runaway tractor.

And once I'm able to introduce worms... Triple the excretions

And one of the kids says something cute, and you share a look.

And one other time, so we are not those people.

And only when Mami says it's okay.

And overcame an expected,

And papito, you were the best one in that quartet.

And plus, she's 70.

And post it to your Instagram. Don't test me.

And pull her close.

And put them in the back and put a curtain in front of them.

And reduce our carbon footprint?

And remember your wedding day?

And right now you're my therapist, so I need you to keep up.

And say, "I got you."

And Scott's burgundy red buick regal,

And she drove off in a BMW!

And she has excellent taste in friends.

And she keeps texting me.

And she's bringing her therapist, and lawyer and life coach.

And she's gone.

And tell me I'm never allowed near your family.

And telling me it was my virginity.

And that is completely normal.

And that is the last time I listen to a bunch of gringo parents.

And that is why I never let anyone see me without it.

And the nearest elevator was inspected on April 17th by an s. Balaban."

And the next thing you know,

And the next time I see you is gonna be at Elena's quinces.

And the other stuff, the pts? I'm dealing with it.

And the passion fell like rain drops.

And the pope represents god.

And then call El uber.

And then he wasn't gay. And then he asked me out!

And then I had to buy it!

And then I just felt like, "okay..."

And then I went to collect on some bottles that I had saved.

And then later you were, like, "I shouldn't have done that"?

And then maybe later you can show me how to turn into a bat.

And then nothing turned into Elena.

And then the army sends her to Afghanistan

And then they're gonna say something about floor mats,

And then you do whatever the hell you want

And then, "blah, blah, blah," I wake up in an ice tub,

And then, sometimes we go to applebee's.

And then, when I tell you that I don't want to be a part of something

And then... They will think they are the boss,

And there are hot men out there with big packages

And there is a part of me that buys into that cheesy

And they closed down the business because of the shame?

And they paid you for this?

And third of all, 100 bucks?

And this is my first big purchase without him.

And this one, I don't like her anymore.

And this would be the moment when you would kiss, but you shouldn't.

And to your point, it took me some time to wrap my head around it.

And venison carpaccio on a bed of nettles.

And watch 17 hours of hgtv.

And we both mistrust the balloon guy at the farmer's market,

And we have a very special guest who's played...

And we need to pick a boy to be your escort.

And we were happy.

And we'll be back Sunday, anyways.

And we'll get you squared away.

And we're reuniting to play at the fair this afternoon.

And what is wrong with that?

And when I came back, there was supposed be an organization set up

And when it comes to the gays, the pope did say, "who am I to judge?"

And why are you all dressed up?

And without schoolwork, I have more time to plan my magical quinces. So...

And yet, we take attendance.

And you can stop milking the shoulder injury.

And you give it to them, papito.

And you have a date tonight.

And you know whose name is on those big packages?

And you see, he made me feel that somehow I was lucky to have him.

And you should never be afraid to tell me anything about yourself.

And you'll probably end up being one of those real housewives ladies.

And you're gonna tell me that you're married to that haircut?

And you're making decisions that I should be making.

And you're right,

And you're right, dating is super weird, until it's not.

And you're super hot.

And you've said hello to fulano y fulana,

And your ex being back.

And your mom baked me that cake.

And, Elena, all of the girls will wish it

And, Mami, I am glad that you find comfort in church.

And, sweetheart, I just want you to be honest with yourself

And, uh, estrogen replacement...

And, uh, well, somebody told me you were... what was it?

And, uh, where are we with the idea of telling him?

And, um, a receipt.

And, you know, soon they're gonna be out of the house.

And...

And... and since you took a half day off of work,

And... and that's not your fault, but you need real help.

And... it is a dog.

And... one, two, three, four...

And... we are 29 again.

And... we're live.

Annoying.

Annoying.

Another great day on the bus.

Answer the damn phone, Jolene!

Any word from your mom?

Anybody slice apples with such grace.

Anything about the office?

Anything else?

Anything to draw attention to the fact that she's wounded and nearby.

Anyway, dating is super weird.

Anyway, I can't go.

Anyway, I don't know exactly how this works,

Anyway, I need to find a new place to get my eyebrows threaded.

Anyway, I really need to use your computer.

Anyway, I sent the guy a text apologizing,

Anyway, I wanna be straight with you.

Anyway, I'm just, you know, flying solo.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's not like you'd be in trouble.

Anyway, now you're gonna yell at me

Anyway, she never actually told me. Alex did.

Anyway, stupid Finn pushed me into a bush and I got scratched.

Anyway, they start all this stuff about me being...

Anyway, this Honda cr v is an lx. It's got low mileage.

Anyway.

Anyway...

Anyway...

Anyway...

Anyways, I explored the city today, too,

Apparently when a woman goes to a dealership without a man,

Are in their sexual prime.

Are we still laughing?

Are you asleep, mi Amor?

Are you crazy?

Are you in, sergeant Alvarez?

Are you intimidated by Sebastian and Peter?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding? I'm going to tell you everything.

Are you lonely?

Are you okay there, buddy?

Are you okay with that?

Are you okay with this?

Are you shopping? 'Cause who said you could shop?

Are you sure you wanna do the online thing?

Are you wearing makeup?

Are you..

Are you... are you...

Aren't there only four of you?

Arms up...

As is the photo!

As long as he is a dancer, and he is Cuban,

As long as I keep them clean, I can send them right back.

As to why helping soldiers is less important

As you can see, ladies,

As you leaving early for shark week.

Asking forgiveness for your mother.

At 7:00 in the morning?

At least I'm safe for another year with the little one.

At least you know.

At lunch, no one sc****d their food into the new composting bins.

At that fair and, uh...

At the end of the day to take the edge off, that's...

At your age, I would literally kill myself.

Aw, it's true love.

Aw, man!

Aw, man!

Aw, right before the good part.

Aw, thank you.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Aw, you never take us to Malibu.

Aw, you're adorable.

Aw!

Aw!

Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw.

Aw. Aw!

Aw. So sweet, honey.

Aw...

Aw...

Away from your desk.

Awesome!

Awesome.

Ay, dios mío.

Ay, Elena. Please.

Ay, exactly.

Ay, it's impossible to be zen in this house.

Ay, it's not fair that I'm stuck giving both sex talks.

Ay, Mami, don't say that.

Ay, Mami, ya! I don't wanna force her.

Ay, mi niña preciosa.

Ay, next round's on me.

Ay, niña, I felt like braiding it.

Ay, no seas ridícula,

Ay, no, it's a symbol. Don't be gross.

Ay, pobrecito Schneider.

Ay, qué bien.

Ay, qué bueno, you are home.

Ay, Sí. All those years putting up with birdie,

Ay, so, look. So I'm just gonna put it out there. I'm seeing somebody.

Ay, whatever. You got snowed.

Ay!

Ay!

Ay.

Ay.

Ay. Okay.

Ay. Wow.

Ay...

Azúcar!

Bad news, everyone

Be a woman in the army, okay?

Be as straight as you can be!

Beautiful lady veteran, you're gonna own this guy.

Beauty gives you power,

Because 15 year old Schneider's drinking peach schnapps

Because he used to spoon me to sleep. So, yeah, Mom...

Because his parents are out of town.

Because I cannot believe we're having this discussion!

Because I didn't have that with your abuelita,

Because I don't need an education now that I'm gonna be chattel.

Because I don't understand.

Because I don't want her to turn out like, no offense, you.

Because I have that tracking software on all your computers.

Because I just... I want you to understand that...

Because I wanna do the opposite of that.

Because I'm an ignorant, old woman married to prayer?

Because I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a next time at some point.

Because I'm the man of the house now.

Because if my mom finds 'em, it'll be,

Because it has smaller wheels and no fog lights,

Because it's still winter and everything is where it's supposed to be,

Because let's face it, Lori's right,

Because me and my friends are going bowling.

Because people were staring at me

Because she is my granddaughter and I love her no matter what. Ya.

Because she'll be on the roof

Because someone took my kidneys.

Because that is some Jesus crap right there.

Because that's what you are.

Because then they don't go back up.

Because there's something about our skin, you know.

Because there's, like, a zero percent chance

Because this is my first big purchase without Victor.

Because we have to work twice as hard.

Because you are so liberal...

Because you can tell me anything.

Because you don't have to make eye contact.

Because you know who just put in new batteries.

Because you're a child.

Because you're not a little girl anymore.

Because your abuelita wouldn't admit that Christmas is a pagan ritual.

Because, Tyler, I went through hell to get here tonight.

Because... this, like many things in life,

Bedtime?

Beer, food... this!

Before El bobo started interrupting me, talking over me.

Before I left the house, my 15 year old told me

Before you did the many, many wrong things.

Behind the beads.

Bertito...

Berto, you look guapísimo in that suit.

Berto's mama, used to live with us...

Besides, your abuelo, God rest his soul, did not marry me for my mind.

Between the quinces, my family coming into town,

Big change from abuelita's cooking, huh?

Blue sky, what if we stagger the appointments by just five minutes?

Bond over boy stuff.

Boo!

Boo...

Both kids are out of the house

Boy, such great contributions today.

Boy, the world has changed.

Brings me back to my old army days.

Burn this.

But a latina Princess.

But after I hang up and leave, it'll be empty again.

But Alex, he's still so young and this could definitely mess with him.

But all she wants to talk about is this.

But all they've done is kissed.

But any... anyways, we're separated.

But as a crusade, yes.

But as a Cuban, I suffer in silence.

But as soon as I realized, I went out the window.

But congratulations, papito!

But do you even see everything that's happening now?

But don't worry, I got my eye on the ball.

But don't worry, though. I got this. All three kids are fine.

But even the nuns would've made fun of me.

But he doesn't know what he's talking about, so...

But he's absolutely doing his best, and he will always be your papi.

But he's making money.

But hear me out, okay? She's a Princess.

But I always make it up, and it is just as valid

But I am going to show you something...

But I hate to tell you lots of good stuff has started for dumb man reasons.

But I have to because he's obviously curious.

But I hear you... and you don't have to have a quinces.

But I insisted nobody say anything interesting till you got here.

But I just keep thinking...

But I know your date's not gonna be that good.

But I promise you, when you meet the right one, you'll know.

But I said the same thing yesterday and nobody listened.

But I should give myself five stars for making it out of the house tonight.

But I still would've found out

But I think we should totally get mani pedis.

But I try to never deal with the va.

But I wanna go to the street fair...

But I want abuelita to think that I went out with him,

But I want you to know, nothing happened.

But I'd feel really bad about it.

But I'm a professional

But I'm also kind of a scaredy cat, you know, because...

But I'm getting some serious eyes from that guapa over there.

But I'm sorry, and it was nothing personal

But I've actually got some good stuff to talk about today,

But if I should have an opinion, you want me to keep my mouth shut.

But if my son comes back with even a little scratch on his head...

But if we're ever in Tibet, we can visit a kickass yak dairy.

But if you are...

But if you mess up, it goes up on the shelf no one can reach.

But in my defense...

But inside, I'm gonna be like...

But isn't the va open until 5:00?

But it hasn't affected him at all.

But it made her feel useful.

But it sounds like I just missed the best part of your show.

But it was just exciting, you know, meeting someone new and...

But it wasn't right. Wasn't right

But it won't be near my mansion.

But it's a common misconception, so...

But it's a very good playlist.

But it's all good, 'cause I got your many messages and texts

But it's for the basics, and it's not a lot.

But it's good to get an outsider's perspective.

But it's important to talk about this stuff.

But it's more than that, right?

But it's okay.

But it's only for a few days.

But just out of curiosity... What is that girl doing right now?

But look... there's reality, then there's pornography.

But make no mistake, when it comes to money,

But maybe next time pick a food a kid would wanna eat...

But maybe you didn't hear, because you were on your phone like now.

But mija, por favor..

But my salsa moves are, thanks to you.

But my snack game was way off!

But not for you. Okay.

But not to you.

But now he does private security in Afghanistan.

But now I'm good. And you will be, too.

But really, you are the boss.

But seriously, though, I feel like I got a really good deal.

But spring is a comin', girl.

But still, it is a war wound.

But that doesn't mean that god exists, okay? I'm sorry.

But that's understandable, right?

But that's why you and me, we gotta watch it.

But the choreography could have used a little tweaking.

But the good news is, after months of planning,

But the new Victor says, "get it, girl."

But then I thought it might be fun if we did

But there are other ways to do it that are creative but keep you pure.

But there is a hole in here.

But there was a lot of second hand doobie smoke

But they left 50 bucks, so that seems fair, right?

But they wear suits so the judge will take them seriously.

But this gig is really important to me.

But this is great!

But this is Jolene's extension, right?

But this is why I have to force myself out there to meet Adam Bennett.

But to be fair, I probably wouldn't take that heart crap either.

But today, Scott wins!

But village isn't literal.

But we have to watch our sugar. Dad had diabetes.

But we need to answer the question.

But we only forgive once.

But we're not doing a regular debate. It's gotta be that thing I saw you do

But we're still sharing that ps4.

But when she got home, she wasn't super happy,

But why didn't you tell me you were gonna be here

But won't call beautiful because she doesn't like it

But yes...

But you have to let me establish my own traditions.

But you have to understand, I'm not gonna be a mom for much longer.

But you have to understand.

But you must keep your voice down,

But you wanna know how I dealt with that bobo?

But you're gonna, huh?

But you're not gonna murder me and throw me in the trunk, right, jer?

But you're wearing army clothes.

But you're... you're really okay?

But, hey, silver lining, it's normal porn.

But, now, we're all gonna have to live in the car.

But, uh, I hope you like it, papito.

But, uh, I'm off the pills. I'm sober now. Been working a program.

But, uh, tonight, me and him have a thing.

But, uh, wasn't two hearts in the desert like you and papi.

But, yeah, I kinda feel sorry for the salesman.

But, yes, I quit.

But...

But... I don't think I like him like that.

But... thank you for taking Alex.

But... you are here.

By being a better soldier than him.

By the time you're done with mass

By the way, they made me captain of the debate team today at school,

By the way, what are the last 16 digits of your credit card?

Can best be done only between two peoples.

Can I admit something dark to you?

Can I answer any questions for you?

Can I be your assistant?

Can I help you?

Can I just give you props for being hella cool about Elena coming out?

Can I make you a café cubano?

Can I see you again? Like, over dinner?

Can you believe it's only been 10 months since you moved in?

Can you believe this living stereotype?

Can you feel it working? Hey, guys.

Can you guys go fight somewhere else? I'm on hold with the va.

Can you help me, tad?

Can you tell me what "anti lock brakes" are?

Can't papi stay here, Mami?

Can't you do this one thing for your mother who loves you?

Car salesmen are scary.

Careful. There's a lot of garlic in that chicken.

Carl, the mouthwash works, but the shirt smells like...

Carlos piñero's trying to unhook your bra on your best friend's parents' bed.

Carmen, Elena's best friend?

Cars 2?

Chauffeurs pick up cars.

Churning the bottle, churning the bottle.

Claro, but I have to go. Schneider's a wreck.

Claro.

Claro. And I accept it immediately, no questions asked.

Classic Jolene.

Clearly.

Close, she's from sacramento.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

Clown face pancakes. Huh?

Clown pancakes, what?

Coke dealer?

College fund?

Combination to my safe is on my laptop.

Come home right away, but still call me so I know you're coming home.

Come on, abuelita, I saw beautiful parts of the city,

Come on, Elena!

Come on, I swear, I just wanna spoon.

Come on, let's just cuddle, naked.

Come on, Mami, it would be nice to have your support.

Come on, pen, you doing this or not?

Come on, your mom won't even notice.

Come on!

Come on! You served in the army!

Come on.

Come on. I think you're being a little unfair.

Come on. Just for a minute.

Coming together to celebrate you?

Compliments make me kind of queasy, so I'm gonna bounce.

Congrats on the new car, Alvarez.

Connie merkelson is a gay lady.

Connie merkelson told me she's never seen

Contributed to my drinking and drug problem.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Could you make me un cafecito in the morning for the rest of my life?

Cousin orencio smells like a dorito that died in a pool of axe body spray.

Crazy, right? I'm like a ghost.

Cuba, 1958.

Cubans are crazy about family.

Cuéntanos De todo.

Cuéntanos De todo.

Curled, sprayed, plucked.

Currently in a bit of a... lady juggling situation.

Daily.

Damn it, that's a montblanc!

Damn it, you're right.

Damn it!

Dang! A new ps4! Are you kidding me?

Dang! Mami set you up!

Dare I say, badass.

Dare to dream.

Dating apps. Oh, they're great. There's guys like me out there.

Definitely wasn't for the quality storytelling.

Dichoso tú, you don't have to do anything.

Did abuelita forget to give her her pants, too?

Did he ask about me?

Did he have soulful eyes?

Did you buy that?

Did you ever take those...

Did you find abuelita?

Did you hear what I was saying while you were back there?

Did you know that over 40% of trips

Did you pee on something 'cause you were mad

Did you steal something? Did you damage something?

Did you take down a bag and a half of cheetos?

Dígame.

Dinner with my entire family... And Schneider.

Dish. Tell me everything!

Dj abuelita over there?

Do I like? Do I swipe? Do I put someone in my cart?

Do orphans always have rich dads who buy them buildings?

Do we really need a pope on the fridge?

Do we sometimes prefer practical, gender neutral clothing?

Do you even hear yourself? Seriously!

Do you guys have one of those grabber claw thingies?

Do you have advice for feeling like the weirdo in your family?

Do you have any questions?

Do you have some paper so I could write this down?

Do you love her any less?

Do you really think that I could be one of the real housewives?

Do you want to come?

Do you want to hear it a fourth time?

Doc, you're forgetting about the best part about being single.

Does a perfect day involve going to candle making class in our Subaru

Does that make sense?

Does that make sense?

Dogs are not children, Lori!

Don't be ridícula.

Don't bother coming home unless you get some."

Don't do that!

Don't give me that look, bitch

Don't joke about this! You lied to me!

Don't make me choose between you.

Don't mess it up. Oh, and you know it.

Don't say pimp or you'll get grounded!

Don't take this the wrong way, but your problems are nothing.

Don't talk to him.

Don't worry, I don't need weekend sneakers.

Don't worry, I got this.

Don't worry, I told Schneider.

Don't worry, papito, there is.

Don't worry. I barely know anything.

Don't worry. The boys are fine.

Don't you even.

Don't you have a dinner thing?

Don't you have more money now that Papi's gone?

Don't you think I miss him?

Dr. berkowitz is my boss, remember, Michelle?

Dr. Berkowitz will be here in a minute, okay?

Dr. berkowitz.

Drinking alone?

Duh!

During sudden stops! What? What?

Early onset dementia. Sad.

Easy.

Eh, I don't know.

Eh, you probably won't.

Eh...

Elena can be in the Christmas card this year.

Elena is having her quinces.

Elena might be okay,

Elena would never give away her purity at some party.

Elena, come set the table! Alex, help me make a salad.

Elena, I knew you'd come around.

Elena, I really need to talk to you, so call me as soon as you get this.

Elena, I thought you were finally listening to me.

Elena, I'm doing the final tweaks on the quinces choreography,

Elena, mi niña, a family needs a car.

Elena, microaggressions and all this little crap...

Elena, pick by the end of the day,

Elena, that is... Pretty smart, actually.

Elena!

Elena!

Elena!

Elena?

Elena...

Elena...

Embarrass you while I sob during my toast,

Enough.

Eso...

Even in those you had your ears pierced.

Even when I stood in front of the trash cans.

Eventually they leave.

Ever.

Every aspect of this date has been dissected by all the people in my life.

Every day that you were gone, he kept you safe.

Every time I show up at school,

Every time we Skype, we just stare at each other

Everybody I know is either married

Everybody wants to see those. Nobody wants to see this.

Everybody, I really appreciate all the advice but...

Everybody!

Everyone has something that inspires them.

Everyone has told everyone they're attractive.

Everyone saw me in Schneider's range rover and thought I was a total pimp!

Everyone was talking about my mom, who ran over the mailbox

Everything all right?

Everything is okay

Everything okay?

Ex nanny. Now, stepmother.

Exactly! It's like I'm stealing.

Exactly.

Exactly. Or Sonia sotomayor... or death.

Except for your quinces.

Except they do.

Except, I'm 38 years old sleeping with my mom.

Excuse me.

Family dinners, and inside jokes,

Far too long.

Father said it's time to have the talk.

Fax it? You mean, e mail it?

Feelin' really good about it.

Feeling like no one understands you?

Finally!

Fine, I'll do it.

Fine!

Fine! She spent the night.

Fine.

Fine. They're anti depressants that Dr. Berkowitz thought I might need,

Finn sent me a video to check out. Have you seen my laptop?

Finn, you little rascal that I don't trust.

Finn's mom is, what she calls, out of town single.

First he invites Joaquin.

First of all, I'm not a gossip

First of all, we don't have a house, so there's that.

First of all, you need a plan. Second of all, I need to approve the plan,

First things first.

Five bucks more an hour.

Five pairs?

Five star safety rating, abs...

Five, six, seven, eight.

Flirting, making a connection.

Focus, Schneider.

For Alvarez, Penelope, 2294,

For example, I have my own little secret weapon.

For explaining that you don't want to pick a boy

For hours and hours and hours.

For instance, two women with one man,

For my cholesterol...

For one.

For starters, there are so many

For the last time, seax is a real word.

For the smelling and the groping.

For you, I'd recommend a more old fashioned approach.

Fortunately, security found me before anything else happened.

Forty?

Found a jumpsuit for 40 bucks that shows off the...

Found you? You weren't with them?

Free returns, Mom.

From your doggy door before I embarrass myself.

Full of patients out there who are very unhappy.

Fun fact, did you know monocles had a huge following

Genius! Let's do this thing!

Get the water boards.

Get your freak on, boo!

Getting decorating ideas?

Girls are supposed to pretend that they don't want the sex.

Girls!

Gives me a reason to break out the athleisure wear.

Glad to be here as a family acquaintance to support your son.

Go

Go grocery shopping.

Go to a coffee shop,

God, I feel so much better.

God, I looked beautiful.

Good advice.

Good brother.

Good luck getting him out of tía Mimi's basement.

Good luck.

Good one, Mom.

Good to know.

Good.

Good. I'm in a good place, too.

Gosh, no.

Got a lot of memories in here.

Grab a cedar plank and dig in.

Gracias very much.

Great start.

Great, I was hoping to get another opinion on this.

Great! That's so great! We're gonna go tomorrow, okay?

Great. I'll stand guard and if I see somebody coming, I'll yell...

Great. Now she's gonna send her flying monkeys after me.

Great. Okay, guys.

Great. Straight to voicemail.

Great. That's... that's... that's great.

Gross, but okay.

Guataca.

Guess I'll just go eat this all alone in front of my massive TV.

Guess this also explains the threesome movie.

Guess what? Josh's parents? Home.

Guess who just got a large latte for the price of a small?

Guys, guys! Let's keep our anger where it belongs, with the patients!

Guys, Mrs. resnick is...

Ha!

Halfway there.

Halloween box. Tool kit. Man's tool kit.

Handsome, but creepy.

Hardcore.

Has a fax machine next to the off brand candy bars.

Has she ever disappeared like this before?

Hashtag, no filter.

Have fun at your thing.

Have placed upon you as a woman.

Have you any idea...

Have you been here all day?

Have you seen her, by the way? Please tell me she's eating something.

Having trouble communicating with your family members?

He can't hear you!

He did ask for more than you did,

He does have a popemobile.

He even wrote our initials in a little heart on the bill.

He got sent on some difficult deployments,

He has nice eyes.

He is family. Family doesn't stay in a hotel.

He is possessed by the YouTube.

He kept you safe.

He laughed.

He lives here.

He looks happy there.

He makes more than me?

He saw some really tough stuff.

He started sleeping late, then drinking...

He threw it in the wrong bin and I deflected it...

He told me to relax. Isn't he marvelous?

He used to make people laugh.

He was a good one, too.

He was an infantry man.

He was so charming.

He was there with his brother, and he was super cute and easy to talk to,

He was very nice. And I'm glad I did it.

He wouldn't get any help.

He wouldn't get any help.

He's being a good provider.

He's cute, right?

He's dead, Jerry.

He's good with the patients, you know?

He's got a charm that I do not understand.

He's not getting help.

He's not smacking me on the ass and going, "oye, mamita!"

He's probably already forgotten about your date

Head high, shoulders back.

Heads up, Alex is here.

Hector! Hello, give me some good news.

Hector's looking at it now.

Hello, you two!

Hello!

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Abuelita?

Hello.

Hello.

Her boyfriend is miserable.

Here comes professor love now.

Here, take one of your pain pills.

Here, you may have my handkerchief.

Here. Let me see.

Here. We're all here. There's four of us.

Here. You're gonna want this.

Here's some hand sanitizer.

Here's some information I think you'll all find interesting,

Hey, Barb, Dave.

Hey, can I get that toilet paper I asked for five minutes ago?

Hey, did you know that mascara's, like, 14 bucks now?

Hey, don't be so modest.

Hey, don't worry, I'll be way too busy to tell them.

Hey, folks.

Hey, girl.

Hey, great job coaching Alex's swing this season.

Hey, guys, I'm heading down.

Hey, guys!

Hey, guys. How was baseball?

Hey, hey.

Hey, I made your favorite.

Hey, I may have money in the bank and two living parents,

Hey, I served. I get it.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about my waiting room ideas

Hey, I'm messin' with ya. She's just racist.

Hey, it's got a full tank of gas.

Hey, last night I did a little reading on autostraddle,

Hey, let's go.

Hey, Michaels, step away from the donuts.

Hey, Mr. Schneider, can you go get us some ice?

Hey, Nikki.

Hey, no, don't touch that phone!

Hey, parents.

Hey, pen, you busy?

Hey, pen!

Hey, Schneider, I am just about to leave. What's up?

Hey, so, for the quinces, is there any way I can get a plus three?

Hey, they also gotta see that you didn't just get out of a women's prison.

Hey, uh, what's that picture? Is that Halloween?

Hey, you shaved your 'stache!

Hey! I earned this guilt.

Hey! No, she doesn't

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey...

Hey... listen, you can tell me anything.

Hi, birdie.

Hi, Carmen.

Hi, Elena. Hi, Carmen!

Hi, I'm Tyler. I'll be taking care of you tonight.

Hi, I'm Victor.

Hi, Mami.

Hi, Mami. She can't hear me.

Hi, mom.

Hi, Ms. Alvarez.

Hi, Ms. y'Alvarez.

Hi, Princess. I'm Elena.

Hi, Victor! Everything good? Great. See you next week.

Hi!

Hi!

Hi! Wait.

Hi.

Hi.

Hide it in my mom's room.

Him. He made the travel team.

His beloved bottle of rum.

His beloved little daughter on one side and on the other,

His name is Bobby...

Hiya, lupe.

Hmm

Hmm.

Hmm...

Ho, ho, yikes!

Hola, mi vida.

Hola, papa.

Hola, señora.

Hold on.

Hold up, doc.

Hold, please.

Hold, please.

Home by 11:00? I don't think so.

Hooah!

Hooah.

Hooking up while waiting in line to buy boyz ii men tickets.

Hopefully, one of the clowns will get gored.

How about all the times you take off early for your kids' appointments

How about this? How about this?

How about we go on a family hike this Saturday like we used to?

How about we go on a hike Sunday morning before it gets hot?

How am I going to keep you two lovebirds apart?

How are you missing this?

How bad was this movie that papito was watching?

How can you not know where your pants are at?

How could you know? You've never left Cuba.

How did you know I would like this?

How does your mom have my number?

How else will we know the day that our little girl becomes a woman?

How hot they are, how dumb they are.

How is everybody figuring this out so fast?

How long ago did your daughter come out?

How many beers was it

How many beers was it when you punched a hole in the wall above the bed, huh?

How many feet does that kid have?

How much I worried?

How the hell do I do this?

How was the crusade today?

How was your thing?

How will I know...

How would that help?

How you livin'?

How's the hotel?

Huh?

Huh?

Huh? What does that mean?

Huh.

Huh. See, I consider myself a feminist, so I don't know...

Huh...

I absolutely loved your friends

I actually don't own one.

I actually got called to duty, so there's

I agree. So let's talk quinces.

I already have two popes in my room.

I already sold you the car.

I also... play Nintendo.

I always forget how huge your apartment is.

I always imagined that we would...

I am a badass!

I am a latina, you are a 12 year old boy,

I am a religious woman.

I am a total stereotype.

I am an entrepreneur.

I am berto.

I am going to cut my salary by 100%.

I am going to leave.

I am in!

I am not even sure I even believe in god, okay?

I am not trying to turn this into an argument,

I am out!

I am raising my voice,

I am ready, abuelita.

I am saying this because I love you..

I am separated.

I am separated.

I am so glad to be here.

I am so glad you're home.

I am telling you, he is back to how he used to be.

I am very strong.

I am yours.

I am.

I am... really glad I'm getting to know you better, Carmen.

I am... unplugged.

I appreciate you helping me out.

I assume he thought I was an intruder. We never spoke of it.

I assumed it was okay.

I believe you're talking about abs.

I bet he's gonna feel really weird about it.

I bought it, I'm eating it.

I called her an uber this morning. The guy never showed.

I came home early so we could all dish.

I came home. Zero carbon footprint.

I came out of 20 hours of surgery, and I was so tired.

I can assemble a rifle in 13 seconds. I'm a total badass.

I can order any pair I want, wear them a couple of times.

I can see why.

I can take care of Alex as well as you can.

I can't believe I gave you 40 bucks for that thing.

I can't believe I have to have another porn conversation.

I can't believe I let you do this to me again.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that Emily and I went to the same grade school.

I can't believe you.

I can't even look at you right now. Just go to your room.

I can't get rid of this car.

I can't have my son walking around in Monday sneakers on a Saturday.

I can't imagine what it must feel like to worry all those years.

I can't imagine what that would feel like.

I can't miss that much work.

I can't run the office without you.

I can't tell you what it took just to get to this moment.

I can't wait for that.

I can't wait to have eaten it.

I can't wait until I have more hair than you.

I cook, I clean, I teach the children manners...

I couldn't even get my point across.

I decide.

I did it! Him. He did it.

I did listen to you, abuelita.

I did order that and installed that, and that's how I found out about this.

I didn't even think about negotiating.

I didn't get a chance to do this last night.

I didn't get the period talk till I was 12.

I didn't have the heart to ask her about it last night.

I didn't hear it the first three times.

I didn't know you were such a feminist, Mom.

I didn't realize how right I was.

I didn't really want to. It was Finn's idea.

I didn't think I would like nettles. And I was right.

I didn't think this through at all. I...

I didn't want you to worry, so I didn't wanna tell you.

I do everything around here, okay?

I do it for the joy.

I do it for the joy.

I do this

I don't care if you like me.

I don't even know what I'm gonna say to Elena.

I don't hate gay people!

I don't have my cello.

I don't have my jell o either.

I don't have time for this drama, you know?

I don't know any of these people! We need to talk more!

I don't know her name.

I don't know how to waterboard, 'cause they don't teach it...

I don't know what that means, but it sounds sad.

I don't know what you're complaining about.

I don't know why I'm so freaked out!

I don't know, but please don't hang up! We gotta keep her talking.

I don't know, I need money for tonight

I don't know, just give me $100!

I don't know, she's, like, a thousand years old.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know. Does she all of a sudden think all boys are disgusting?

I don't know. Shut up.

I don't know. What do you say, mamita?

I don't need them, and I have to get them out of here

I don't speak Spanish,

I don't think I should do it.

I don't think I'd go back in time

I don't think I'll ever fall in love with a boy.

I don't think that's exactly what you said.

I don't understand any words you are saying to me.

I don't understand the difference, so please just let me have this.

I don't understand why you waste good money on that.

I don't understand. The job ended?

I don't wanna be racist, but does that mean...

I don't wanna go to hell.

I don't want her to think that we were on a date or something.

I don't want those gossiping hens to hear.

I don't want to alarm you, but the kids may already be dead.

I don't want to be paraded around in front of the men of the village

I don't want to get into the economics of it.

I don't want you to feel like it's wrong.

I don't want you to have to go into my college fund.

I eat some donuts.

I enjoyed watching you guys eat it.

I even gave him my parking spot.

I even make the stupid coffee because yours sucks

I even shaved my lady 'stache.

I feel a thousand times better.

I feel compelled to tell you that this is not my computer.

I feel dirty.

I feel like I haven't seen him for days.

I feel like it says, "I mean business."

I feel like the green one really brings out my eyes.

I feel more when I look at a picture of Kristen Stewart

I feel really weird about all this Elena stuff.

I feel terrible about our argument, but we gotta talk about some things.

I felt like I was gonna black out there for a second.

I figured that was enough great parenting for one day.

I found it on your brother's computer.

I found out about Eleanor Roosevelt?

I gave my number to the Usher. I'm sure he'll be calling.

I get an alert every time a package is delivered.

I get it

I get it, you mean a real date.

I get it.

I get it.

I get it. This is uncomfortable for me, too.

I get why you'd wanna kill you.

I got a cousin named paco, but he's an idiot.

I got in your head.

I got locked out of the room and they're up there jumping on the beds.

I got right through.

I got roughed up pushing through the crowd on the way to the market.

I got this!

I got work, I got bills, I got kids.

I got you.

I gotta go.

I guess I got caught up in the bromance.

I guess I wanted people to show up and say,

I guess there are some things I miss.

I guess we'll all spend the rest of the day

I guess.

I guess.

I had no idea.

I had to put my foot down with Elena about her quinces, and...

I had to seek solace in the arms of...

I happened to notice your karaoke machine.

I hate it.

I hate that couple.

I hate that I feel weird about it, but I do.

I hate to let her down, but I'm more of a seventh date kind of girl.

I hate to say this, but this is husband work.

I have a package for Penelope Alvarez.

I have a salsa emergency.

I have been riding around this morning in something called El uber.

I have just said all the reasons!

I have kids.

I have kind of an exciting announcement.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have one.

I have set a chiropractor appointment

I have something for Elena.

I have something for you guys.

I have to put my foot down.

I have to say "slam" because you would not give me a door!

I have to use water to get ready.

I have two brothers. One's a priest, one's a witch, so...

I haven't even shown you guys the best part.

I haven't even taken it yet!

I haven't talked to another soldier in a long time.

I hear ya.

I heard Shane Lennon sold one of his dad's pills for 20 bucks.

I helped turn a couple of boys to men.

I hold her hand while she pees on a stick.

I hope you mean "tweet"?

I invented that move.

I just came down to get my afternoon café con leche

I just came out to abuelita.

I just find it in different places.

I just got an e mail from my baseball coach and...

I just have a lot going on right now, you know.

I just learned that and I love it.

I just like to start with a protein because studies show

I just mean..

I just need to talk to Jolene and get my shoulder squared away.

I just realized, my whole life I've never seen you without makeup.

I just realized, my whole life I've never seen you without makeup.

I just want an appointment with a chiropractor.

I just, like... oh, my...

I just... I don't...

I just... I need you to give me more space to parent.

I knew it!

I know a couple of things we got right

I know a guy at the pet store, we could chip him.

I know because you obviously shaved your moustache.

I know he says he's sober, which is great, but he needs to get actual help

I know my mom sounds young, but these days, babies having babies...

I know that god exists.

I know that you're a little too old for it.

I know the English.

I know what I said.

I know who Carmen is. She's the ghost who ate all my chicken.

I know you can.

I know you didn't want him to go back to Afghanistan,

I know you got issues with the quinces, but...

I know you put software into it that tells you everything I look at.

I know you wanna be mad, but that's genius.

I know you were watching a video like that on the computer.

I know you're not supposed to say that!

I know you're waiting for one more, but can I start you off with an appetizer?

I know you've been after me to sign them, so I did.

I know, and...

I know, I know. I did exactly what I told Elena not to do.

I know, I'm early, but I really wanted to surprise

I know, it was a better time.

I know, Jerry!

I know, Mami.

I know, Mami. I let her do math, too. I'm a monster.

I know, right? It's like...

I know, tad!

I know! I know...

I know! Who's gonna order the pizza?

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know.

I know. It was dumb.

I know. It's... uh oh. Oh, my god, what's happening?

I know. The hipsters have discovered Porto's.

I know. You've been telling me since I was five.

I learned a ton of interesting stuff.

I left because I was embarrassed.

I like church. I see my friends.

I like that, yeah

I like the way I am, even if you don't.

I like to beat the traffic.

I like video games, too. Girls like video games, too.

I like what you said about power,

I looked it up!

I lost someone in my unit because she did do something stupid.

I love my family!

I love papi, but we have nothing in common.

I love that little weirdo.

I love women.

I love you, but I'm their mother

I love you. And I want you to be happy.

I made the travel team!

I made you as overprotective and crazy as I am.

I married him for his flat ass.

I mean, a maid's cart? More like death wagon.

I mean, as a nurse, I would totally recommend it,

I mean, casting your man aside and striking out on your own.

I mean, do some of us have short hair? Sure.

I mean, do some of us have short hair? Sure.

I mean, Elena, relax. It's just a fun party.

I mean, he insisted on being my dance partner to show his support.

I mean, he's cute, and he's sweet, and he's such a gentleman, but...

I mean, I have one slight advantage, 'cause I got the latina patina.

I mean, I like Anna, but I don't really want a girlfriend.

I mean, I'm still crazy cute.

I mean, is he in Afghanistan? Here? What? Where is he?

I mean, it's not exactly the kind of job you can grow old in.

I mean, it's well documented that women in their late 30s

I mean, listen, you do you, but you're a mother now.

I mean, look around!

I mean, my mom still thinks I'm married,

I mean, quite literally, she is going to kill you.

I mean, she says...

I mean, some people still called me garbage girl, but I just went...

I mean, that's why they gave you the biggest violin

I mean, they played great.

I mean, we probably added five years to those old timers' lives.

I mean, who cares, right?

I mean, who is this guy? Is he a big part of your life?

I mean, why should they ever lock?

I mean, you gotta get him on Shark Tank or something.

I mean... I'm not looking for a father figure.

I meant a man.

I miss the good stuff.

I need a male presence to pretend to be my...

I need a paco.

I need help over here.

I need some gay guidance.

I need to get a new phone number.

I need to say something. I do. Okay, uh, Scott...

I need to talk to Elena.

I need to talk to you about your kids.

I need you to locate and recover that.

I need you to sign my test.

I need you to watch the phone while I run out. Remember...

I needed that joke.

I never bought a car before, you know?

I never come down here shirtless or pantsless.

I never come down here. How did I get here? I'm gonna go.

I once saw a woman rip the weave off another woman over a leg of lamb.

I once successfully argued against gravity, so...

I order office supplies, I call insurance companies,

I pray. I seek forgiveness.

I promise. I won't say anything.

I quit my job because I found out

I read a study online...

I realized I...

I really like him,

I really wanted to show you in front of everybody.

I regretted it as soon as I said it.

I remember 'cause I got my five year sober chip

I remember who you were.

I remember.

I researched the history of quinceañeras

I ripped them getting out of the trunk.

I said one new pair. You disobeyed me.

I see myself...

I see you served.

I sent a copy of it to Jolene's office, like, two months ago.

I should be feeling really happy...

I should've known something was up. You weren't snoring.

I shouldn't worry 'cause she's with his family, right?

I shouldn't worry too much about what's going on down here,

I smiled and nodded and was nice to everyone.

I spent all week preparing this badass spreadsheet

I spent my whole life trying to avoid this conversation.

I spy, with my little eye,

I still don't understand why I can't buy these.

I still get teary when I...

I still got it!

I still got it. Yes!

I still have it somewhere.

I still miss her.

I still wear the cross you gave me.

I stopped calling them about my punctured eardrum.

I stopped smoking.

I suppose...

I sustained a shoulder injury in the field.

I talked to fascinating people,

I tell it like it is.

I think I know someone who can help you out.

I think I know what you're saying, and it's not fair

I think I was happier when I thought you were sleeping with my wife.

I think I'm gonna wait until after my quinces.

I think it's my hot Cuban blood!

I think it's time, Alvarez.

I think she might walk both sides of the street.

I think she's trying to say she's quitting.

I think that's what seduced me.

I think the market down the street

I think we have some trust issues because Castro and all of that.

I think what Penelope's trying to say...

I think you look beautiful.

I think your abuelita has run away from home.

I thought it was a joke!

I thought you don't want me to take "Las drogas"?

I thought you had a thing with Carmen.

I thought you had a thing with Carmen.

I thought you were here to give me guidance.

I thought...

I told you, I don't want crosses and pope stuff everywhere.

I told you.

I totally forgot about that catholic girl workaround.

I tried to shave.

I understand what you are saying.

I used one of your razors and cut myself.

I used to be in the army, but I don't wanna get off track.

I used to show up at their dorm rooms unannounced and just hang out

I wanna see these guys this weekend. Come on.

I want her to have the most perfect coming out story.

I want you to be doing it for the right reasons,

I want you to be safe...

I want you to feel like you can come to me.

I wanted to do this with somebody. That was the plan.

I wanted to open with Toto. Skip wanted to open with steely Dan.

I was 12, I was in gym,

I was a driver and gunner in Baghdad.

I was a good catholic girl, so I wanted to save myself for marriage.

I was aiming for the living room. I just missed.

I was assisting in surgery when a mortar hit close to the or.

I was calling to let you know we checked into the hotel

I was expecting some unrelatable rich guy story.

I was fine yesterday.

I was gonna say husband.

I was in the army.

I was Lydia. Now...

I was married for over 40 years.

I was married to Victor for 17 years, and I'm loving not having a dude around.

I was newly separated. I really needed a job.

I was stealing them.

I was still a "virgin."

I was thinking

I was thinking of walking the aisles at target

I was trying to be brave,

I was wilting under the pressure to be you.

I wear it because you gave it to me.

I went into the break room and Serena Williams was on TV.

I went through some stuff, too, when I got back.

I went to buy my daughter an inexpensive car,

I went to church every day

I went to school, I went to the library.

I went to sephora, and bought a tube of mascara,

I went to war, I got hurt.

I will dress like a child bride for you, Mom.

I will leave you two alone.

I will let you two talk

I will pray for your eternal soul...

I will teach dance again!

I wish I could make you this excited about a comb.

I wish you could be here.

I wish you would've said that in Spanish, so I didn't understand it.

I won it...

I won't, but what's Finn's problem anyway?

I work hard all week.

I worry that I may have a bit of a contact high.

I would never do that.

I would never do that. I would never do that!

I would never judge anyone based on their sexual orientation.

I would never put you in a home.

I would never trade these for that.

I would prefer to die.

I would've used my computer, but I didn't want it to get a virus.

I yelled, I screamed, and it felt great.

I... I can't do tomorrow.

I... I don't mean to be difficult.

I... just think how difficult it was to see a naked woman in the renaissance.

I'd always chicken out and just rent a Jane Fonda workout tape.

I'd be all, "oye, Scotty, beam me up, yo."

I'd buy a lotto ticket.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize

I'll be back in a jiff. Everybody, stand under the sprinklers.

I'll check for intruders,

I'll get him out of tía Mimi's basement.

I'll just get that washer and we'll get that thing fixed right up.

I'll just put it on over this jacket.

I'll just use the old eyebrow threading place.

I'll learn more Spanish when you learn English.

I'll remember now.

I'll see you down...

I'll tell you about it in the group.

I'll tell you about that later.

I'm a badass, who served in Afghanistan doing army stuff! Hooah!

I'm a fraud!

I'm a little hyped up, if you can't tell.

I'm a snowman.

I'm about to cry.

I'm about to have my first date in 20 years,

I'm Alvarez, 2294.

I'm back!

I'm curious. I wanna see how that movie ends.

I'm doing my history project with her.

I'm doing this.

I'm doing what I'm doing, okay?

I'm drinking alone 'cause I'm a monster...

I'm excited, but not too excited.

I'm exhausted. Good night.

I'm feeling like if I knew more, I might feel better.

I'm feeling weird.

I'm glad everyone is so cool and doesn't feel weird in any way at all.

I'm glad I got married so young.

I'm glad we enlisted and not him.

I'm glad you did.

I'm going straight to Dr. berkowitz. Then I'll accomplish my goal,

I'm going to the rodeo tomorrow.

I'm gonna be really upset.

I'm gonna beat you, papi.

I'm gonna call my grandma.

I'm gonna go now.

I'm gonna miss you, old lady.

I'm gonna play my part of the quartet for him.

I'm gonna Skype Carmen and tell her the awesome news.

I'm gonna stay on the case.

I'm gonna stop talking.

I'm good. I don't need a date.

I'm happy to just leave.

I'm helping myself!

I'm here to do this.

I'm here with my brother. He's gay.

I'm honored.

I'm in a good place, lupe. I'm a new guy.

I'm in a traditionally female dominated profession,

I'm in middle school now. How I look kinda matters.

I'm in this women's veterans group.

I'm in, too. I wanna dance dance revolution.

I'm Jill.

I'm just glad to be home with everybody.

I'm just gonna do a little Photoshop,

I'm just gonna walk up to that salesman, I'm gonna look him in the eye

I'm just happy that Elena is such a strong young woman

I'm just happy you weren't actually sittin' there clipping coupons.

I'm just having dinner, okay? And I'm not being a puta.

I'm just not sure I wanna go to church...

I'm just saying, I got tricks to get people on my side.

I'm just saying, maybe when Victor comes back, you can work it out.

I'm just saying...

I'm just telling you because I don't want it to be weird.

I'm just thinking about lunch. I'm hungry.

I'm kidding!

I'm kinda jealous of him.

I'm like a little Southern belle.

I'm not around. You should keep doing it.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not even gonna ask about the sword.

I'm not gay.

I'm not gonna write that down on the chart.

I'm not here to judge. You do you at the vending machine, boo boo.

I'm not here to make you up.

I'm not looking forward to this, either.

I'm not looking to have sex with someone.

I'm not lying. I'm not stupid.

I'm not made of stone.

I'm not saying this to hurt you.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing. She wouldn't talk to me all weekend.

I'm not talking to you.

I'm not that nice.

I'm not the same person I was before I left.

I'm not wearing those.

I'm Penelope.

I'm Penelope.

I'm Penelope.

I'm pleading with you.

I'm really bad at Photoshop.

I'm really getting into saying y'all.

I'm really not. We need you.

I'm saying, you win!

I'm so pumped.

I'm sorry things got crazy the other night.

I'm sorry to bring it up.

I'm sorry, but I have a problem with Elena being gay.

I'm sorry, but it's 90 degrees and you won't let us roll the windows down.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to fangirl out, but you are Jolene.

I'm sorry, I think this is the first time

I'm sorry, I thought my boyfriend, Benji,

I'm sorry, I'm seeing my daughter for the first time in ages,

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it's just a lot of times you sound like a mom.

I'm sorry, Lori. Your dogs are lovely.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was hanging out with my friends.

I'm sure Josh is the one teenage boy that loves just kissing.

I'm sure Juliet forgot her date with Romeo.

I'm sure you did fine. Who threw up on the table?

I'm the Dr. berkowitz of women.

I'm the pretty one in this family.

I'm their mother! I don't need to ask permission!

I'm trying to buy a car,

I'm watching a movie with Josh and his little sister!

I'm with mom. We don't need to go to church.

I'm with you there!

I'm worried about coming out to her.

I'm your daddy.

I'm, like, buzzing. Is this what gossip is?

I'm... I'm working on it.

I'ma give you a sec.

I've been asked out, like, nine times in the past hour.

I've been doing my yoga.

I've been doing some outreach down at the rec center,

I've been hanging them all over the neighborhood.

I've been lying these past two days.

I've been there.

I've been trying to get in contact with you for a month.

I've been wanting to tell you for a really long time.

I've been workin' so much, I'm missing all the scoops...

I've ever been asked out in a gay bar.

I've got more than enough for the both of you.

I've let it go, but now I'm saying something professional...

I've seen Peter fat shame Sebastian. It's not pretty.

If a girl she brings home is a friend or more?

If a girl she brings home is a friend or more?

If anything, I'm the victim of reverse sexism.

If anything, it is a shame that berto and I went unrecorded.

If god doesn't exist, who made all of this?

If he were a woman, there would be less problems.

If I can't be here, I shouldn't be here.

If I do die, and I'm not saying I will...

If I got bent out of shape every time a man said something stupid,

If I had a magnifying glass, I could probably get it out.

If I'm being honest with myself, I was making your quinces about me.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right, doc?

If my family finds out, it'll be a disaster.

If tad picks up, keep him on the line.

If this is your way of telling me

If we let the food decompose naturally.

If you don't want to eat that... sad meat.

If you ever have any questions,

If you had something wrong with your heart,

If you wanna have a second dinner, wear the red lipstick.

If you're feeling weird... hide it.

If you're thinking about...

If your husband's not trying to change, there's nothing you can do.

If your self published vampire erotica doesn't take off.

Immersion therapy.

In a Chevy the size of this apartment.

In a developing nation. They're amazing!

In a minute. Victor is showing us a picture of a funny camel.

In a professional manner... Professionally.

In all fairness, you got a pretty great trade in, girl.

In Cuba, my best memories are the long rides with my papi

In fact, I check in with him constantly, you know, like,

In fact, that's great. You know, you...

In fact...

In five seconds, I go from nodding thoughtfully to lighting a car on fire.

In the back of the video store.

In the meantime, I'll take Alex to baseball.

In the stylish lesbian circles of the early 20th century?

In this land of the free and home of the brave?

In what is obviously going to be a very smooth and luxurious road.

Is about to melt.

Is all the little disrespectful things that men do that...

Is anybody gonna tell me what's going on?

Is he pressuring her?

Is it weird that we're sneaking around to make out like kids

Is like easy listening music, but even easier to listen to.

Is not being in a group chat.

Is she a gay icon, or just a publicity monger?

Is she gonna tell me the truth?

Is she gonna tell me the truth?

Is that glitter?

Is that well ever gonna run dry?

Is that...

Is there a bug on me?

Is there a bug on me?

Is this Castro's Cuba or America?

Is this gonna be the one that scars them for life?

Is this great or is this great?

Is this the guy you're seeing?

Is what the old Victor would have said.

It couldn't have been as bad as mine.

It doesn't grow back thicker. That's a myth started by big wax.

It doesn't matter, Amor. No one will ever know.

It feels like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It goes against god!

It has been a trip getting to you, mama.

It has no humps.

It has to be tomorrow.

It is a gift that I have withheld from the world

It is confusing for girls out there.

It is more than that.

It is sick. Yes.

It is the quilt of passion.

It is the symbol of the oppression that the bonds of marriage

It is very tiny

It is, but if I don't catch the 4:30 bus, I have to take the 4:45.

It just makes me wonder...

It just means your family and your friends.

It looked really unnatural.

It makes more sense when the other three people are playing.

It means...

It must be nice to have someone to help out,

It never looks hot.

It says you got a D.

It stands for, "you only live once."

It turns out it was Josh b's parents who were out of town, not Josh f's.

It unspooled.

It was a difficult time, but I'm proud to serve my country.

It was a hot, steamy night,

It was a totally preventable accident!

It was brand new. Only 60,000 miles on it.

It was fine.

It was glorious.

It was just, I realized that if I was going to be into a boy,

It was like everyone had something to say about it, but me.

It was me.

It was terrible

It was terrible.

It was that lack of support that...

It wasn't me.

It went like this...

It would be Josh.

It would be so much easier if Victor were here.

It'd be nice to talk to a bunch of lady soldiers.

It'd be ridiculous.

It'll happen.

It'll probably be 20 minutes before a tow truck gets here.

It's 11:00 at night. You're supposed to be in San Diego. What happened?

It's a real problem.

It's a Scandinavian roofer's tool

It's about to be a circus in my stomach.

It's actually a really beautiful experience

It's Alex's.

It's all the best parts of peeing your pants

It's an anti depressant that I'm gonna be taking.

It's athleisure wear.

It's been super tough keeping it from you.

It's been weird.

It's Ben!

It's better for developing brain..

It's called a sheet mask.

It's called a sheet mask.

It's called stage sparkle. Can you please just get it out?

It's cool, but not too cool.

It's educational.

It's fine.

It's gender neutral, not a he or a she?

It's going to be so good to see these people I've been paying.

It's got nothing to do with love. It's the way you act.

It's happenin', Alvarez.

It's hard to turn it off

It's important we don't sacrifice human interaction

It's just all on me now.

It's just dinner.

It's just hard to say goodbye.

It's just like growing up in Cuba. ¡salud!

It's just something your nanny says sometimes to your dad.

It's just that I'm ruining everything.

It's just that my real husband and I are actually separated

It's just that now that it's my daughter, it's different

It's like watching a baby bird learn to fly.

It's negative and we go get Sushi.

It's no problem. I can get that done by tonight.

It's not drug dealing. God.

It's not dumb. They're dumb.

It's not fair to you.

It's not funny.

It's not just the job, and you know that!

It's not like I had a great role model.

It's not so bad out there for older singles like Penelope and me.

It's not that good.

It's not that I'm embarrassed. I'm just not sure.

It's not that.

It's not the same.

It's not the way I pictured it.

It's okay, I have a shovel.

It's okay, Schneider.

It's okay, we know!

It's okay.

It's open!

It's Scarlet sunrise.

It's setting.

It's six o'clock.

It's Startin' to feel kinda like home in here.

It's the best way to save money, and besides,

It's the end of the month and it's the best time to negotiate.

It's time for the smooth, summer sounds of full sail.

It's time to take my pills.

It's totally natural for you to be curious about sex.

It's Victor.

It's what we do.

It's what we do.

It's when a man explains something to a woman...

It's workout clothes you cannot sweat in.

It's your little social club, Mami, and that's fine.

Jajaja. Qué funny!

Jajaja. Qué funny.

Jajaja. Qué funny.

Jeez, she's been at Josh's, like, every day this week.

Jesus and Santa were cousins. Everybody knows this.

Josh, you will be the envy of every boy at the quinces.

Just 'cause I miss the swearin' so much.

Just 12 year olds who don't know anything, they say a lot of stuff.

Just being real with you.

Just being real with you.

Just came out to me.

Just everything is happening so fast.

Just for the sake of expediency.

Just go.

Just grab some pills and let's get out of here.

Just have fun. No pressure.

Just hold still.

Just kidding.

Just like I used to beat you in connect four.

Just look for the big crowd.

Just make it quick.

Just substitute wine with whiskey, and coupons with more whiskey.

Just take the yearbook and pick somebody.

Just texted nunchucks guy and I think we're gonna hang.

Just trying to be a decent dude.

Just yesterday, I took the bus to the farmer's market

Just, if you get hit with a hamburger today, it's gonna stick.

Kabul, 2004.

Katie, if I raised my voice the other night, I'm sorry.

Kay jewelers. They sell engagement rings

Keep the queen a coladas coming.

Keep walking, viejo.

Kids are so stupid.

Kids...

Kind of a big deal around here.

Kind of a big deal around here.

Lady, you look great.

Last name and last four digits of your social...

Lately, we've been getting some complaints from patients about wait times.

Lawyers would love to wear sweatpants,

Leaving was the right thing to do.

Let me explain what you're looking at.

Let me guess, you don't like clowns anymore.

Let me see what we have here.

Let me talk to him.

Let's end this. Elena,

Let's get real.

License plate 374 pce will remain unharmed.

Like a dick?

Like a piece of property to be traded for two cows and a goat.

Like cinderella? No, cinderbuela.

Like you might barge in on Julio iglesias in the bathroom?

Like, I don't like the kids having dessert every night.

Like... the hardest part is over.

Line around the block is like the freakin' Apple Store now.

Listen, I... I hope we're on our way to being good, you know,

Listen, man, relax. It's good, what you're doing for Alex.

Listen, you don't have to worry about being the man of the house.

Little aloe Vera on your upper lip and you're good to go.

Lo siento, mi Amor

Look at us all together as a family.

Look at you two,

Look, Elena, I get it, 'cause it's in me, too.

Look, I am sorry. But we do need to talk.

Look, I can send constant updates, drop GPS pins of his location.

Look, I get it,

Look, I get the whole misogynist thing. I do.

Look, I'm doing stuff, okay? Look, I'm keeping busy. I'm working out.

Look, if...

Look, it's not that kind of program. All right?

Look, Mami, I get it. You like going to church. It's habit.

Look, sometimes I do have to take time off because braces need tightening

Look, you are raising a smart girl

Look, you know your stuff. Just throw in a little charm.

Look...

Look...

Look... I know you are cool with this,

Looking good, viejita.

Looks like you accidentally threw these out.

Losing your appetite due to depression or anxiety?

Lot of swearin'. You'll love it.

Love isn't even real.

Love wins! We have to break up.

Loving a woman.

Low mileage, no upsell, for the bluebook price,

Luckily, I was too distracted by how cute you are

Lucky for you, she never wore them 'cause they were too gender specific.

Lucky she didn't ask about a colon.

Lupe, if you need money for a car, I am here to help.

Lupe, one sec.

Lupita, are you okay?

Lydia, you asked me to turn away when you buckled your shoe.

Lydia. Lydia, háblale. Por favor.

Lydia...

Make eye contact with an appealing stranger,

Make sure that they do a good job on my face for the funeral

Makeup makes you beautiful.

Mami, .

Mami, don't worry, she will pick someone.

Mami, don't worry. It's not really a big deal.

Mami, I did something terrible.

Mami, I got this.

Mami, I need some help in the kitchen.

Mami, I told you this morning that I was gonna cook tonight.

Mami, I'm sorry.

Mami, I'm still on hold, so if they pick up, remember...

Mami, it's okay if we miss it one time. It's not gonna kill us.

Mami, look around.

Mami, parties are not good. There's alcohol.

Mami, por favor, vámonos ya,

Mami, sheet.

Mami, the story of when you and papi first met.

Mami, we already have crosses everywhere.

Mami, where is this coming from?

Mami, you are the glue that holds our home together.

Mami!

Mami.

Mami...

Mami... I quit my job.

Mami's convinced that we should get back together.

Man, I'm glad I'm a guy, so I don't have to think about sexism.

Marching behind you going, "is it hot out here or is it you?"

Marriage is a patriarchal tool invented to enslave women.

Maybe after dinner. What's your mom cookin'?

Maybe ever again.

Maybe he's too cute. Maybe he won't think I'm cute.

Maybe I should be worried about Josh.

Maybe I should, too.

Maybe I was being a little suffocating.

Maybe I'm not even a snowman anymore. Maybe I've melted. Michelle!

Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe it's time for bed.

Maybe just don't tell 'em?

Maybe just for a minute.

Maybe not the hardest part.

Maybe she's finally ready to hear that I'm a vegan.

Maybe the car's bad 'cause papi stuck it with the name Mrs. resnick.

Maybe we should just hang out and play video games?

Maybe you're grabbing your four o'clock snack

Maybe you're peeing.

Me neither!

Men assert their power through microaggressions and mansplaining.

Mentirosa. She said she went,

Mi Amor, wake up.

Mi vida, it's not that bad.

Microwave meals now, and I dig 'em.

Mija, why are you in your uniform before you shower and get ready?

Mine was 36.

Mine.

Mira, a first date is two hearts parched in the desert,

Mmm hmm. I could use a fill in like nobody's business.

Mmm, listen kid!

Mmm, tell me about it. This is my third bloody Gary.

Mmm! You know what?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mom is going to kill you.

Mom, I get it. You're aggressively okay with my sexuality.

Mom, I smell gas.

Mom, I'm fine! I mean, I thought it was cool

Mom, I'm gonna miss the first pitch. Go faster!

Mom, I'm not talking about old people sexism.

Mom, I'm serious.

Mom, this family's been through a lot, and I felt like I needed to provide...

Mom, uh, Carmen and I need all Saturday for our history thing.

Mom, when I get there, I'm buying you a house.

Mom, you gotta believe me.

Mom!

Mom!

Mom...

Mommy, please, put those away. I hate those pictures. Burn it!

Moms are special!

Monday through Friday.

More like cars 3.

Move over.

Move over.

Move those hips. Feel the music!

Mrs. Aaron's Van got a flat, and she was moving all the instruments.

Mrs. Doyle has Alzheimer's.

Mrs. Doyle is in exam room three

Mrs. resnick broke down again and had to be towed to the mechanic.

Mrs. resnick.

Mrs. resnick's still got it.

Ms. Alvarez, you have the coolest family.

Muerta.

My advice?

My apartment looks like Jesus' pinterest page.

My baby's watching porn

My bus driver actually tipped me off.

My car broke down yesterday and I have to buy a new one.

My date's such a huge success, it's still happening.

My daughter came out to me...

My daughter.

My dumb friends have been trying to get me and this girl, Anna, together.

My ex being back...

My ex is coming back from Afghanistan for Elena's quinces,

My ex used to have a sigh, too.

My friends were calling her names like cute and pretty.

My god, he is a genius.

My great uncle luisito skipped church,

My husband always asked me to check for him.

My husband has bad knees, a bad back and traumatic brain injury.

My husband was a really good man.

My jacket.

My little girl says she wants to go in the army,

My meal cooked by my mother using no pork products of any kind.

My mom, Elena, Alex...

My mom, my daughter, my landlord, some giant, hot baby in the bathroom.

My mom, my daughter, my landlord, some giant, hot baby in the bathroom.

My mom's sex talk was her handing me a white handkerchief

My point is we've made progress.

My reaction could really affect Elena for the rest of her life.

My son was probably conceived in the front seat or the back seat...

My soon to be ex.

My sweet boy is becoming a gross man!

My whole life!

Nah, come on, it's not that big. But let's talk in the parlor.

Nah, I think I can make these work.

Nah, that curtain is pretty thick.

Next Monday at 11:00 A.M. with Dr. Pearl.

Next time I'll Skype you.

Next time?

Next time.

No armor.

No more!

No one has asked me what I wanted in a long time.

No one wants their mom around when they're dating models.

No one was listening to me!

No parents? That's terrible!

No pressure, Jerry?

No puedo más.

No recital today.

No seas ridícula.

No way you can beat me at this game.

No wonder you saw those twilight movies so many times.

No, abuelita, I tried it and I didn't like it.

No, better yet, just come home right away.

No, but I am very proud of myself,

No, but I'm sure she's home

No, but my mom is.

No, come on. Come on! No.

No, he... he was a badass soldier,

No, I already told him and he's totally cool.

No, I am very upset.

No, I can talk about it now, because I did get help.

No, I didn't lie, okay? I told you that I'm better and I am.

No, I don't get it at all. But I get it.

No, I don't think so. I'm not doing that.

No, I don't think you should do that.

No, I don't wanna chat with you!

No, I don't wanna play hard to get!

No, I don't wear it because it's a cross.

No, I don't. You heard that "I don't" part, right?

No, I gotta be tough. They gotta see that I ain't no punk.

No, I just came by to bring Elena...

No, I know a bunch of stupid girls who used...

No, I promised you to Consuelo.

No, I think they accidentally transferred you to an empty office.

No, I will become the focus.

No, I'll do it.

No, I'll get it on my way out, 'cause I am leaving.

No, I'll get it on my way out, 'cause I am leaving.

No, I'm not! I need you.

No, I'm not.

No, it didn't end.

No, it's Alex's.

No, it's not.

No, literally my name is on every bill.

No, mansplaining is when a...

No, mija,

No, no, I agree with her

No, no, mom, you have to play hard to get!

No, no, mom, you have to play hard to get!

No, no, no, no, we didn't have seat belts then.

No, no, no, no. Come on, no. None of that.

No, no, no! No! I want you, Jolene.

No, no, no. Of course I do.

No, no, of course, I believe in you. It's...

No, no, wait, wait, no.

No, no, wait, wait, no.

No, no.

No, no. I threw them right in the trash. It's fine!

No, of course not.

No, papito, you are bug free and perfect as always.

No, scratch that.

No, she wouldn't think that.

No, that's a myth.

No, that's exactly what I said, Scott.

No, that's not what I...

No, the doors got stuck again so we all had to climb out through the back.

No, there isn't.

No, there's no people, that's just a thing that I said.

No, this is a real injury.

No, this is tad.

No, usually when we fight, she does the opposite of go away.

No, Victor.

No, we are not!

No, we're... fine.

No, you can start me off with a drink.

No, you know what? Now, you get Elena's old sparkly ones.

No, you shut up.

No, you're a married woman,

No, you're not charming your way out of this.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No! Come on.

No! God is a man.

No! She always thought they were disgusting.

No! Who does that?

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No. No, this ends now. It's like you're stealing.

No. Not with your history, and not what we've been through.

No. Since I'm obviously not appreciated around here,

No. Thank you.

No. You know, you talk.

No...

No...

Nobody can know.

Nobody could slice an onion like abuela.

Nope.

Not by birth, but spiritually, I identify as Cuban.

Not gonna lie, she was throwing me some red hot heat.

Not great.

Not impress a white girl with dreadlocks who likes flat asses.

Not me, Mami, I never did that.

Not that I want you to be with an older guy.

Not that you need my permission. I'm just...

Not the point. I get it.

Not the same thing, Mami.

Not today.

Nothing can happen.

Nothing, because he doesn't matter.

Nothing! We're just taking drugs.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Nothing.

Now I am not going to apologize for saying "unemployed,"

Now I really don't understand what's going on.

Now I'm here.

Now that I know you hate us.

Now that I'm shaving, it's gonna grow back thick, right?

Now the teeth are too white. What is that?

Now the whole team calls me "butt trunk boy."

Now there are no restrictions.

Now we're gonna do the thing where I ask you

Now you're just being nice.

Now, just clear out all your personal effects

Now, salsa is just, "you want me."

Now, she has a good mustache.

Now, this one gets it.

Now, you get no new pairs.

Now, you smell Hawaii.

Now... take me in your arms like a man.

Obviously not.

Obviously...

Of course

Of course I am.

Of course you can't play it unless your homework's done

Of course, it was hot out there. It was a freaking desert.

Of course!

Of course! Who wouldn't be?

Of course.

Of the hurricane.

Oh, about what?

Oh, all right,

Oh, all right.

Oh, and now, I couldn't be prouder to introduce

Oh, but he looks so healthy. His skin is glowing.

Oh, butlers work at the estate.

Oh, by the way...

Oh, come on, Elena, it looks nice. You just look different.

Oh, come on, mija, I missed it.

Oh, come on, pen. No need to cover

Oh, come on. Es una cosita.

Oh, didn't she tell you?

Oh, do you find that amusing?

Oh, do you mind if I just look it up quickly?

Oh, don't get me wrong. It was a massive TV.

Oh, don't worry. It gets better.

Oh, espere.

Oh, give him a chance.

Oh, god, it's just so weird.

Oh, God, just accept it. You're Cuban, you're 15,

Oh, God, stop it!

Oh, god, what is it?

Oh, god, you're right.

Oh, god! What?

Oh, god. Spider.

Oh, Gracias.

Oh, he's into magic now?

Oh, hello, babies.

Oh, hello, Lydia.

Oh, hello.

Oh, her.

Oh, her.

Oh, hey, man. I'm Schneider, by the way.

Oh, hey! The quinceañera. You're doing it!

Oh, honey.

Oh, how is Hector?

Oh, I can't wait to meet her.

Oh, I didn't know there was an app called "disappointment."

Oh, I didn't tell you what my mother said?

Oh, I got better moves than that, right?

Oh, I have one in my costume trunk.

Oh, I know.

Oh, I know.

Oh, I must dance!

Oh, I remember, yeah. I'm sorry it was a rum cake.

Oh, I see.

Oh, I think that car was for stick girl.

Oh, I think that car was for stick girl.

Oh, I'm not having children.

Oh, is that racist? Oh, who cares, it's just us.

Oh, is that racist? Oh, who cares, it's just us.

Oh, it's happening.

Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jolene! Oh, my god, Jolene.

Oh, just so you know, some maniac drove over your mailbox.

Oh, kiva is an organization that gives a loan to a small business

Oh, look at me.

Oh, look, I got 58 new messages.

Oh, man!

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Me, too. That was funny.

Oh, man. These people really need better entertainment.

Oh, mansplaining. Is that like manscaping?

Oh, maybe you can open that after... Okay.

Oh, my favorite butcher is there.

Oh, my god, five? What's going on in there?

Oh, my God, really?

Oh, my god, you guys.

Oh, my god, you smell so good.

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! That's insane!

Oh, my god! You saw that?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. It's all happening.

Oh, my god. It's finally happening.

Oh, my god. Thanks.

Oh, my money's on her.

Oh, my stars.

Oh, my. Whoo! I needed that.

Oh, niña, no! No, I didn't mean it like that. No, no.

Oh, no,

Oh, no, I had to grease a few palms to make it happen.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, they would be so upset.

Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, no! We're just best friends.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. I think this was closer to Christmas.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Rosa was my nanny.

Oh, nothing special, just some nutted quinoa,

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

Oh, papito. What happened to your pants?

Oh, really?

Oh, really?

Oh, Sí?

Oh, so the red buick is yours?

Oh, so you quit because of principles.

Oh, so, it's six pairs of shoes?

Oh, so... so just to be clear...

Oh, sorry. What can I say...

Oh, sure, I'll just have the Butler pick it up.

Oh, sure, yeah.

Oh, thank god. I mean, thank god, Mami,

Oh, thank you, Riley. I like this last name thing.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, thanks. I got it on sale.

Oh, that Dylan.

Oh, that kinda man. Got it.

Oh, that makes me miss your abuelo.

Oh, that story never gets old.

Oh, that's not good

Oh, that's right.

Oh, that's why you bought five pairs of sneakers?

Oh, this means so much coming from a super hot gay guy.

Oh, uh, I had a few before bed.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. Guys, don't go anywhere.

Oh, wait! I have one more.

Oh, well...

Oh, what, at the va?

Oh, what's that, papa?

Oh, when violetta died of consumption...

Oh, which one did you take?

Oh, who thinks it's a good idea to greet my latino veteran dad with,

Oh, whoa!

Oh, without earrings I look ridiculous.

Oh, wow!

Oh, wow. That must've been expensive.

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah, every move you make is fraught with peril.

Oh, yeah, he was.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, that's not working.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Without her list or her purse.

Oh, yeah...

Oh, yes, because he is so inspiring.

Oh, yes, see? See?

Oh, you are exchanging secret looks.

Oh, you can just do everything else silently.

Oh, you can't open with the Dan. They're dangerously smooth.

Oh, you Cuban?

Oh, you guys are talking about porn without my sexpertise?

Oh, you know, mama got a big pile of bills with her name on it.

Oh, you know, saying my rosary,

Oh, you look very nice.

Oh, you saved the cassingle!

Oh, you shave out your mustache.

Oh, you're right, Mom.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh! A may December thing.

Oh! Hello, Schneider.

Oh! Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. It's good to see you two.

Oh. Oh, guys.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh... is that Andy Garcia?

Oh... yeah.

Okay, a guy in uniform. I'm not uninterested.

Okay, but Elena has to pick an escort by today!

Okay, but with Connie...

Okay, can we agree that if there is a god,

Okay, Carl,

Okay, don't get hysterical.

Okay, Elena, I'm just gonna say it. I know you've been looking at pornography.

Okay, everybody stop gesturing.

Okay, everybody. Let's go. I can't be late.

Okay, fine.

Okay, fine. It's aspirational.

Okay, first of all, I wanna point out that Alex is 100% okay

Okay, hey, sit down.

Okay, his name is Ben. I met him at a gay bar.

Okay, I get it. I'll take the ten.

Okay, I met a guy.

Okay, I'd choose Lydia because of her warm food and even warmer hugs.

Okay, I'll start.

Okay, I'm a mess.

Okay, I'm dizzy.

Okay, I'm gonna go make breakfast.

Okay, I'm not explaining this right.

Okay, I'm out. You have a good night.

Okay, I'm sorry you're hurt,

Okay, it was mostly me.

Okay, it's a deejay.

Okay, it's your brother with an iPod and a playlist,

Okay, let's break it up.

Okay, let's stop talking about this.

Okay, listen, uh...

Okay, look, you're gonna have to trust me on this.

Okay, lot of big feelings..

Okay, Mami...

Okay, Mom, I know we're not rich, but are we poor?

Okay, Mom, I'll do it.

Okay, mom, this is not just a car anymore.

Okay, mostly what I'm hearing is I have to up my grooming game.

Okay, now I feel like I should talk you out of it.

Okay, now I'll be you.

Okay, now I'm worried.

Okay, okay!

Okay, okay! Dios mío.

Okay, open your mouth and spit it in my hand.

Okay, Saturday's out.

Okay, sit down.

Okay, so I just want to make an appointment with the chiropractor.

Okay, so we heard from you.

Okay, so you can buy one pair for under $40.

Okay, so, gay people aren't magic.

Okay, so, if you believe that, then you're protestant.

Okay, there goes my shoulder.

Okay, there's not, but I really wanna know what's going on!

Okay, this was stupid! I'm still not having a quinces.

Okay, well, what about... oh, huh

Okay, well, what exactly needs replacing?

Okay, well, why don't we take public transportation

Okay, what about the bottoms? You've been walking around all day.

Okay, what about this guy? He went to brown.

Okay, what about this guy? He's a cop.

Okay, whatever. Come on, let's just go. Quick. Come on.

Okay, who wants to hear some tunes?

Okay, you guys wait here.

Okay, you know what?

Okay, you know what? Focus, tad!

Okay, you see that! That right there, that is sexist!

Okay!

Okay! I hate the bus!

Okay! It's time to dance.

Okay! You... you really wanna do this?

Okay?

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. But we'll see you at Alex's recital, right?

Okay. Either something happened in your apartment,

Okay. Let me get outta here

Okay. Now, I'm definitely more confused.

Okay. Okay, I'm good.

Okay. Show me.

Okay. Well, then, if wasn't you, who was it?

Okay. Wow, look at you. Beautiful, huh?

Okay...

Okay...

Okay...

Once you do, it'll be official.

One in the morning, eh?

One time, I fell asleep and somebody stole my socks.

One wrong move and she's down.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

Only I think that.

Ooh, I gotta run.

Ooh, I have a lot going on today, too.

Ooh, I'ma take my earrings off...

Ooh, is she cubana?

Ooh, ooh, use this picture for my profile. I look cute there.

Ooh, relax, I got it.

Ooh, those are so over the top.

Ooh, what are you doing, papito?

Ooh, wine and coupons. Been there.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Ooh. Love these hardwood floors.

Open up. We gotta hug this out.

Or am I just paranoid from all that grass?

Or because my kid's head is a, quote, "lice carnival."

Or both.

Or faces.

Or has heard of.

Or I could just take you off the group chat with all of our friends.

Or I'm too embarrassed to ask them.

Or leaving.

Or miniature golfing. Or to the arcade.

Or possibly having, you know...

Or something's about to happen in mine

Or the drinking and the pills could start all over again.

Or the sheet will hit the fan.

Or we could talk about gaga instead.

Or we will not have enough time to prepare.

Or worse hearing aids.

Or your escort will be cousin orencio.

Or, I noticed you bought a pair for under 40 bucks,

Or... Your generation, Penelope.

Our school's waste stream will really shrink

Out of an unused tap shoe right now.

Outside of blood, to look after our kids.

Over the top, or just Cuban?

Oye, you're so smart.

Oye.

Oye...

Paco just called it "shark week."

Pain management department.

Pain management department. Can I help you?

Papi chulo over here and see his cello show.

Papi!

Papi!

Papito, let's go! You know I got a bum shoulder.

Pardon me a second.

Partly because he's a stubborn ass, but mostly because of this insane process.

Pass!

Penelope Alvarez!

Penelope, please, come back to work. I'm beggin' you.

Penelope?

Penelope.

Penelope...

Penelope...

People don't hook up with their uber driver,

People would wait less,

Perdón. Lo siento.

Perfect!

Petros only works on weekends.

Photos I'll use to scare your children.

Pick up, Jolene.

Pick up.

Pick whoever you want.

Play my jam.

Playing the veteran card is genius.

Plays yacht rock

Please be a man named Jolene.

Please don't tell mom.

Please tell me you're here to fix my sink.

Plus latina twilight over here.

Plus, he's not even dealing with his pts.

Plus, we haven't seen him in over a year

Plus, women were being ****d everywhere,

Plus, you're traveling in the same direction, which fosters intimacy.

Pobrecito god. He tries so hard.

Point that toe... move the hips...

Poor Josh. How's he gonna handle this?

Por favor, Santa francisca De roma, ayúdanos.

Praying for the departed souls...

Preferred sandwich, tuna or Turkey?

Private security in Afghanistan?

Problem was, we hated onions.

Professional tap dancer?

Puberty's gonna hit you like a train.

Public transportation is hard.

Put a safety lock on the toilet seat, and sweep for tuna.

Puts a smile on your face.

Qué nice, qué thoughtful...

Quenching forever their thirst for Amor.

Ramona, thank you, thank you for meeting me!

Reach out and talk to someone.

Read your Bible, for god's sake.

Ready.

Really?

Really? Oh, thank you!

Recital season, am I right?

Red lipstick is for putas.

Relax, everything is great.

Remember how you two used to sing the karaoke?

Remember to self screen for testicular cancer.

Remember when we all moved in together and you said,

Remember, love is the thing that keeps you warm in the night.

Replace the kids with a bicycle, so he thinks you exercise.

Resuscitate you, kill you again, and then ground your lifeless body.

Right now, but not for long.

Right now, while there's still barely time.

Right, berkules?

Right, not the way you look. Here, you need a lipstick.

Right, papito?

Right, right, lie about everything. This is good.

Right? This one time, Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper

Right? Yeah.

Right. Ay.

Ringing the shame bell?

Rip super soaker.

Rosetta stone.

Same thing.

Save that fire for the bedroom, babe.

Saving the world takes time.

Say something

Schneider made me say that.

Schneider set it up. I think it's free.

Schneider, have you seen my mom?

Schneider, I gotta go.

Schneider, I have a mission for you

Schneider, she is not gonna give me any sympathy.

Schneider, she's gonna do it. I got this.

Schneider, you coming back to bed?

Schneider!

Schneider? You do you.

Schneider. Come on, don't be ridiculous. Of course you're coming.

Scott, could you go get that for me?

Scott, I've been involved in today's medical industry even longer than you..

Scott.

Sebastian and Peter are so cute. Their wedding pictures were so romantic.

See who?

See?

Seems like us.

Sergeant Riley.

Seriously, mom, his car is amazing.

Set it up for tomorrow, 7:30. Both kids are busy.

Sex can be a really beautiful experience.

Sex.

Shall we?

She asked me what a period was when she was seven.

She can speak Spanish.

She cleans.

She did like that they were diverse.

She didn't! She thinks she's being sold into slavery.

She has to have a quinces.

She is a porno.

She is jealous.

She is like a bat!

She is such a suck up.

She jacked her shoulder up in Afghanistan, being a hero.

She just sighs really loudly.

She just started kinda seeing this boy named Josh,

She made ropa vieja.

She needs to think that I'm cool with everything

She never told me you were so funny.

She said a bunch of stuff I didn't even think of!

She said she didn't want to go to church.

She spent the night and left without saying goodbye,

She taught me how to salsa. She was amazing.

She taught me how to salsa. She was amazing.

She thinks she's tan fancy because her four grandsons are altar boys.

She was making these impossible shots.

She was so focused.

She wasn't super sad.

She's also turning my apartment into the sistine chapel.

She's been reading again. Why do you let her read?

She's funny, she's charming, and when she gets angry,

She's gonna have a full life and be okay.

She's looking at you and biting her lower lip.

She's more badass than I am.

She's my white whale. My bigfoot.

She's never even had a boyfriend.

She's never not been home when the kids get there.

She's no longer going to church. Ever.

She's on a date.

She's small. She's probably under something.

She's three.

Should I marry her?

Should I...

Show me something.

Shower caps that can fly off into your face and suffocate you.

Showers from echo park to Afghanistan,

Shut up, Scott!

Shut up, that's not my porn.

Shut your face, my new best friend, Abby!

Sí, por favor.

Sí.

Sign here.

Since papi can't be here for my cello recital tomorrow,

Single mom.

Sit down, papito.

Sit down.

Sixty in lady years.

Slam!

Slice an onion.

Slow down.

Slow down. I'm not in love with her.

Smart way to go!

Snowman means, right now, I look good,

So can we have some money for the fair?

So do your kids. No one wants to see your kids.

So don't you tell me about god.

So great to see you.

So hopefully I can get through it

So I am a servant?

So I can talk to Alex.

So I can wait a month to talk to some comemierda

So I could get a free makeover.

So I don't die.

So I don't get why it's so hard to make a simple appointment.

So I know you've been doing your research.

So I really want you to concentrate on your posture.

So I totally fudgin' get that.

So I was thinking, maybe you can come with me and pretend to be my...

So I'm you.

So just deal with it.

So let's make it three dollars an hour.

So now I'm just gonna stare this way and you tell me what her face is doing.

So she already knows the drill.

So she started screaming and calling everyone,

So she threatened to throw live scorpions on her while she slept.

So talk to me.

So that next time I don't get the third degree.

So that you can have more opportunities than I did.

So that's, like, double money.

So then I was like, "let's do this thing!"

So there's absolutely no need to panic.

So there's been a lot of yelling.

So we have the same amount of facial fuzz.

So we're in the Bentley with our chauffeur, paco.

So weird. I was dying to tell him.

So what, am I going to go against the pope and god?

So when he starts pulling his crap, I am gonna smile, I'm gonna nod...

So when you get something to celebrate, you take it.

So which is it, Mom?

So why wouldn't you do the same with this?

So you do believe.

So you want me to get in a time machine

So you want to crush my heart into pieces...

So you'd marry your daughter off to some guy and say,

So you're basically murdering the planet just to spite me.

So you're just not there yet.

So you're just the guy who takes my son out to baseball

So you're paying them?

So you're probably not interested in what

So your mom's really into your ex. That's... great.

So, Alex is cool, Elena is cool. Great. Great, great, great.

So, all right, I'll give it a try.

So, all right, I'll give it a try.

So, are we going to church or not?

So, are we good?

So, do you know what you want?

So, does papi think I'm a puta, too?

So, here's a question. You and Carmen?

So, I finally forced myself out of the house

So, I guess you want to take my grandchildren to hell with you.

So, I killed your father?

So, lupe did not go on that date.

So, lupita, aren't you going to talk to Victor?

So, Mami...

So, mi niña...

So, now what?

So, one day we told her.

So, please, enlighten me, Jolene,

So, tell me, when is the parade?

So, thanks for the divorce papers.

So, there is some ropa vieja in the mantequilla thing

So, there is the floor and... slip.

So, this Sunday, no church. End of discussion.

So, tomorrow, we try the makeup again?

So, uh, a gay bar, huh?

So, uh, do you know what you want?

So, uh, how is Schneider doing?

So, uh, what's this history project you're working on?

So, um...

So, we skip church.

So, what happened tonight was Finn made a plan

So, what should we do to pass the time?

So, what's everybody got going on tonight? Any fun plans?

So, what's so bad about this modern village

So, when it comes to your quinces...

So, would you say you are sheet faced right now?

So, yeah, I still got it, Michelle, but for how long?

So, you just assumed I was here?

So, you know, she's gonna lose her mind and...

So, you were my only option.

So, you're obviously tired from the game.

So, you're single.

So?

So...

So...

So...

So...

So...

So...

So...

So... here is to vitamin d

So... how about I take Alex to travel games?

So... I may have overreacted last night,

So... quick question.

So... we're stopping after six dates.

So... you don't want a girlfriend, but you did wanna look nice.

Society treats middle aged women shamefully.

Solid effort. Come on, you guys. Let's go. You gotta go.

Some basic health questions and you lie to me.

Some of my best friends are gay

Somebody might call child services.

Somebody's been doing their research.

Someday...

Somehow when I thought you hated the touch of women...

Someone in your bed.

Someone should take him off the market.

Someone thinks they're worth a lot.

Someone to love. Someone...

Something else you wanna talk to me about?

Something went terribly wrong in your adult diaper?

Something... That is clearly a fire hazard!

Sometimes I've noticed, when I'm talking, you don't listen.

Sometimes my nanny would join me, but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas.

Sometimes when I wanna splurge, I get the Betty Crocker omelet for two,

Sometimes you have to poke the bear.

Sometimes you just need somebody to give you a hug

Sorry I said Jesus so close to the word crap.

Sorry, but you need a referral from your primary care physician.

Sorry, I cut you off. Talk as long as you want.

Sorry, it was Miguel.

Sorry, it's just fun to hear about how you blew it.

Sorry, it's just that her death scene was so...

Sorry, Mom. Do you want us to sit and watch you eat?

Sorry, Schneider. Look, I barely trust her with the kids.

Sorry.

Sorry. Can you fax a new one over?

Sorry. She's at church. Uh, poor choice of words.

Soulful, but not too soulful.

Sounds fun.

Sounds good. Which one was that?

Sounds like she does everything.

Sounds like there's a problem that a badass spreadsheet could've fixed.

Sounds like you got a pretty cool mom.

Sounds like you're both on the same page.

Spends time with the kids, does the laundry...

Spider!

Spoilers.

Staff meeting, everybody. Staff meeting.

Stay at that hotel.

Step off, girl.

Stereotype much?

Stick girl is still up there.

Still a huge fan.

Still worked.

Still works.

Still... you shouldn't stereotype.

Stop saying what I am trying to say,

Stop smiling.

Stop talking to your sister.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

Stop, wait. Okay, stop. Stop!

Stop! Stop overreacting over a few beers.

Stop. Victor is not the answer.

Stop. Victor is not the answer.

Straighter.

Straighter.

Stupid Finn keeps changing his mind.

Sundays we go to church...

Sure. Grab ten bucks from my purse.

Sweetheart, look at you!

Take him back, so I can die a happy woman."

Take it easy. It's just a first date.

Takin' you off speaker.

Talk to me, Alvarez.

Talking about my boobs, Abby!

Talking crap about me with Juan Pablo and benedicto.

Talking to at risk youth.

Target.

Tell her to stop talking to me!

Tell it again.

Telling me you were coming early. Oh, wait.

Terrible!

Than I do when I kiss him.

Than you catching your goddamn bus.

Thank god.

Thank god. I was running out of material.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

Thank you so mu...

Thank you, Carmen.

Thank you, Dr. berkowitz.

Thank you! Oh!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for an unnecessary yet super fun conversation with Alex, by the way.

Thanks for helping out,

Thanks for inviting me to the fair.

Thanks for the azúcar.

Thanks, Kristen.

Thanks, Kristen.

Thanks, Mami.

Thanks, papi!

Thanks!

Thanks. Can we set up the ps4 now?

That Benji is just a bump

That cd's been stuck in this car my whole life.

That comemierda Scott makes more than I do,

That goes to Vernon?

That guy.

That happened only once, okay? And it was kind of an accident.

That I think is a misogynist cultural ritual,

That I think might change your mind.

That if you would wear a little makeup, you would look presentable...

That is a load off my mind.

That is horrifying.

That is right.

That is so great!

That is super weird.

That is the flier for my dance classes.

That is your answer? Drugs?

That kebab line is no joke.

That must look amazing.

That my ancestors and their gas guzzlers so cruelly left to this earth

That mystery's solved.

That really happened. I'm not kidding.

That salesman is gonna see me coming a mile away.

That seems high.

That seems like a bad plan.

That she already knows, but he acts like he's teaching her.

That she feels comfortable enough to come out to me.

That sounds dangerous.

That sounds great.

That sounds outrageous.

That they don't even realize.

That was a bit too much.

That was fun.

That was funny.

That was quick.

That you do not know enough Spanish to know that I'm insulting you.

That you were blurring gender lines with your upper lip...

That you're a little girl. But you've changed.

That you're getting me a monocle for my birthday,

That you're so honest with your feelings.

That you're too young to be having right now.

That'll get you perfectly good sneakers to last the whole year.

That'll go great. How do I even do that?

That's 'cause Dr. b's cool as a cuke.

That's a good... Oh, you're serious?

That's a hell of a lot better than when I'd pop a fistful of Vicodin

That's actually good advice.

That's cold, va. Ice cold.

That's exactly how I felt.

That's great news!

That's how I feel when I watch John cena.

That's just solid American fun.

That's like triple fossil fuel savings.

That's me.

That's me.

That's my husband.

That's not funny, papito.

That's not me, that's her.

That's not really part of it, right?

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about love.

That's not your decision to make.

That's okay, Hector, no. Um, thank you. Thank you.

That's okay.

That's okay. I have to pee, but I'm gonna hold it.

That's right, mister.

That's silly. You look amazing!

That's terrible.

That's the kebab truck. We're next to that.

That's the thing. It used to be hard to get.

That's three!

That's tough.

That's two.

That's very expensive Damascus steel.

That's weird. My daughter said, "fifth date, dad."

That's what I meant to say.

That's what I need, already. Okay?

That's what I said, sheet.

That's what I was afraid of.

That's what regular bars are for.

That's what we've been talking about.

That's what you got from that story?

That's why I bought no pairs of sneakers.

That's why I married you.

That's why I've been hanging around so much less.

That's why I've been so overprotective. It's what we do.

That's why Lori works with us.

That's, like, a second date revealer. If you're good, a never reveal.

That's... that's not us.

The blast caused a pallet of surgical gloves

The boys stole two maid's carts and were racing them down the hallway!

The camouflage look was all the rage in Afghanistan.

The condiment or the dance? I am equipped for both.

The customers need them and you definitely don't.

The family is having a movie night, remember?

The first moment I saw my berto,

The first one was for pee. And the last four were to piss you off.

The fuel Gauge is broken, so you're gonna have to trust me on that.

The granddaughter I have always wanted.

The hard truth is...

The issue before us is quinces or no quinces.

The kids barely touched my black olive tapenade.

The ladies be looking at your feet. Something's wrong.

The last part is not as impressive.

The lesbian lifestyle and pop culture website?

The members of my college band have finally put aside our differences...

The most beautiful paper thin onions.

The next 40 years went by as quickly as that first night.

The next week, dead.

The only thing worse than being in a group chat...

The pain in your body is real.

The pain in your mind is in your head.

The point is you could, but don't. Don't ever touch that thing.

The point is, everybody had an opinion about this.

The pregnancy scare.

The seats are small, it kind of smells...

The seats warm up.

The sexism I'm talking about

The sexy kind. Not the kind that steals music.

The singing was very good.

The St. bibiana string quartet, starring cello superstar, Alex Alvarez.

The whole reason he's coming home is for your quinces.

The whole year?

Then everybody bailed on purpose, so Anna and I could be alone.

Then he has to invite Jade because he invited Joaquin.

Then he's gonna do that thing where he talks to the guy.

Then I understand,

Then my mom says, "niña, your papi and I have a love that goes beyond death."

Then people pair off.

Then porn makes them grow up thinking that's what sex is supposed to be like.

Then she wants to bring juju and Casey and maddie.

Then take photos.

Then things got really bad.

Then use your phone and chapsmat somebody.

Then what did you want?

Then what I'm trying to say...

Then why are you lyin' about that guy being your husband?

Then why do I smell fried plantains and Cuban coffee?

Then you... you pull this crap?

Then, Elena said... "Cool! What's an exclamation point?"

Then, follow them home.

There are all these eyes expecting perfection.

There are jobs here where they don't shoot at you.

There is no good part.

There is no hell.

There is no Miguel. I made him up.

There is no need for name calling.

There is no way he can join that team.

There is nothing wrong with having dinner with a friend...

There was no date.

There you go.

There's a landlord tenant confidentiality clause in your lease.

There's a part of you that actually thinks the world stopped dancing

There's gotta be something we could do.

There's just a lot going on right now.

There's my perfect daughter who I love so much,

There's no one in here. I just...

There's no party. There's just three of them.

There's no reason you and I can't figure this out, just the two of us.

There's this girl... Lola.

These all sound like things I should know.

These are just general examples.

These are things that poor people have.

These guys were like family.

They are quoted a higher price

They broke the mold when they made you.

They could've called me "junk in the trunk," it was right there.

They do not share our values.

They have their problems, too, you know.

They left my shoes!

They make my hands look bigger.

They took our well!

They're implementing my composting initiative in the cafeteria.

Thinking of ways to look Lori in the eye.

Thirty dollars an hour?

Thirty seven is a rough age.

Thirty six hours ago.

Thirty six hours and you're not leading a pride parade?

This "ay" was for my mom.

This could be you.

This guy's been running the office this way for so long.

This is a complete readjustment of how you see your daughter.

This is a gay bar.

This is a good thing.

This is a real problem.

This is a subject that I know a thing or two about,

This is Carmen, my best friend.

This is giving me flashbacks of Tiana's quinces/baby shower.

This is Hector. Hector...

This is how you feel when you're wearing makeup?

This is Jolene in pain management.

This is me.

This is my house,

This is my third coat, Jerry. What do we think?

This is not for you.

This is social studies. You love this!

This is supposed to make your skin glow.

This is why full sail broke up in the first place.

This is your mother.

This isn't because Finn pushed me into a bush.

This meat was heavily discounted, so I need to cook it before it turns.

This morning I saw what you could be.

This should be fun!

This stuff might not seem like a big deal, but it chips away at you.

This sucks.

This was Victor's car.

This yacht rock band is about to be boarded by a pirate.

Those games are so far away, you have to spend the night.

Though I now know what a sconce is.

Three.

Threw a decorative anchor at me.

Tiny soaps you can choke on.

To be honest, I don't know if it's a woman thing or what.

To be the escort to your quinces, 'cause...

To bring me a jacket.

To create a giant nude painting that you couldn't hide from your wife.

To fall on my shoulder.

To get to where she is.

To hear anything you just said.

To help me and other veterans get the help we need.

To keep me young.

To say goodbye 'cause daddy was gonna kill himself?

To see if I can make any new friends.

To see me in action.

To send you something that I know for a fact you already have?

To shop for locally grown produce and then recycled?

To the emergency room are caused by preventable accidents?

To tone down the makeup and be home by 11:00.

Today's the day I finally get through to Jolene.

Tomorrow I'm gonna buy a car, and so that I don't get screwed,

Tomorrow, these all go back.

Toni...

Tonight I had a date.

Tonight was fun, right?

Tons of monocles.

Too many passionate personalities.

Tough talk, huh, papito?

Tramp? No

Travel team is the first step toward the big leagues.

Trick question. He's allergic to tuna,

Trust me on that.

Trust me, she's been thinking about this for months or years.

Trying to be, anyway.

Tumbleweed.

Turns out, I've been wearing the wrong bra size.

Twelve minutes ahead of schedule. Hey, Ron.

Two dollars more an hour and Scott starts pulling his weight?

Two, maybe three.

Ugh

Ugh, I get it, we're Cuban!

Ugh!

Ugh! I felt that one in the gut.

Uh huh?

Uh huh.

Uh huh.

Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh oh! I dropped my pen.

Uh oh...

Uh, Abuelita will dance inappropriately with one of your guy friends...

Uh, do you know how to repo a BMW?

Uh, excuse me? It's a cassingle.

Uh, good morning to you, too.

Uh, I know sometimes I still think

Uh, I mean, what do we do? We call your sponsor, right?

Uh, listen, Penelope. Okay, look, I'm off the pills, all right?

Uh, okay.

Uh, sucia?

Uh, the 60?

Uh, what are you doing?

Uh, what was the name of that soprano?

Uh, what?

Uh, whoa! What do we have here?

Uh, you are a tough negotiator.

Uh..

Uh...

Uh...

Um, church.

Um, I took the makeup off after first period,

Unless he was standing right in front of you.

Unless I look away right now.

Unless they want to be part of a very unfortunate story in the news.

Unless we get a crazy good deal, which means we're screwed, because..

Unless we're going downhill, and then she might not stop.

Unless..

Unlike some people.

Uno, dos y tres.

Unplug, Penelope.

Unrelated, do you want to go on two dates tomorrow?

Until one of us thinks the screen froze. And sometimes I just pretend it...

Until, finally, one night, I had to take those keys away from him...

Van, and retrieve those instruments asap.

Vente pa' ca. Dame un beso

Very hard to negotiate when the car's halfway to Vegas.

Very impressive!

Victor and I are not a thing anymore.

Victor made breakfast.

Victor's in the past

Virginia Slims?

Vitamin d.

Wait, are you okay?

Wait, are you still on hold with the va?

Wait, can I leave this up here for safekeeping?

Wait, hold on.

Wait, I don't understand. If he's okay, why didn't you just call?

Wait, I thought your family didn't know.

Wait, just listen.

Wait, so you used mass transit

Wait, so you're not okay with it?

Wait, wait a minute. Wait, what... what is that?

Wait, wait. Hello?

Wait, what?

Wait, what?

Wait, what? Wait, what do you think I did?

Wait, why are you wearing abuelita's lipstick?

Wait! Let me warm up my voice before the show.

Wait. Who is this?

Wait...

Walk carefully. I mean, walk carefully. No one's running.

Was going to propose to me tonight and he didn't.

Was he a sex offender

Was I smiling? You better look closer.

Was it that bad?

Was that "Phillips" with a "p," or "fillips" with an "f"?

Was them inside your dress.

Was there a fire? Scandal?

Watch and learn.

Watch the hair, abuelita.

We all thank you for this very Caucasian meal.

We all wish we had the last five minutes of our life back, okay?

We all work hard. We all make the same $30 an hour.

We already booked the room, and I found a great band!

We already started,

We are a family, damn it!

We are almost done, but there is plenty left.

We are Cuban. We don't get divorced, we die.

We are going and that is the end of it. Ya!

We are skyping...

We are so late. Just try.

We be full sail!

We came to the next stoplight. He hopped out, paco told me everything.

We can do that?

We can watch the other kids have a good time.

We could decrease wait time,

We didn't get a chance to talk much, but..

We don't trust that stick, so she pees on a second stick.

We drove Mrs. resnick up the coast...

We drove off on our honeymoon in this old lady.

We gotta stall. I didn't come all this way to not hear my boy play the cello.

We have a problem.

We have a TV, a refrigerator. You have a laptop.

We have all kinds of arguments in my family.

We have an air conditioner.

We have got to catch you up.

We have to choreograph the dances.

We have to pick the weakest dancers

We high five and ride unicorns down a rainbow together.

We hooked up at a barbecue.

We live in America, name one!

We love you, too.

We messed up on a lot, but, uh...

We must not have heard you knock. We were watching a movie.

We need to talk about something.

We never had family meals. I ate alone in front of the TV.

We really do!

We should celebrate our differences.

We still have to pick the other 14 members of the court.

We were just going to sell pills to get some money.

We were just saying that with all the porn available now,

We were setting up for the show and our keytarist

We were so awesome!

We were that couple.

We will all go together. Us.

We would just roll out quick.

We'll just start next Friday.

We'll see you after school at the recital.

We'll talk... what's to talk about?

We'll... we'll do the whole thing. The ceremony, the stupid waltz.

We're Cuban. We don't trust anyone,

We're going out dancing tonight,

We're going too. Elena?

We're going.

We're gonna show them what single mothers can pull off.

We're good.

We're having one of our staff meetings at work.

We're latinos, church takes all day.

We're not married, I'm sorry.

We're... we're just thinking.

Wear your grandma to work day?

Weekends are my only chance.

Welcome home, lupita!

Welcome home, lupita.

Well, abuelita, I guess you're my new hero.

Well, boys are supposed to want the sex.

Well, doesn't she help out?

Well, father believed it's best to have this kinda discussion in a car

Well, girls these days are exposed to so much more than my generation was.

Well, he's a good nurse...

Well, he's got that jock thing going on.

Well, I am putting both of my feet down.

Well, I did a little research.

Well, I don't love it.

Well, I have a foot, too,

Well, I kinda lied to you.

Well, I probably can. Let me just check with my boss.

Well, I was just gonna ask you, is your husband also a badass soldier?

Well, I'm competing with perfection here.

Well, I'm feeling pretty good,

Well, I'm going to start taking public transportation,

Well, I'm not gonna clap for that.

Well, if I had a time machine,

Well, if we stagger our appointments by just five minutes,

Well, if you must know, I broke up with him.

Well, it does when I say it out loud.

Well, it should, because my band, full sail,

Well, it's just a lot of pressure and sometimes...

Well, it's just that some kids at school said Josh is having a party...

Well, it's just we need at least 20 to do anything fun.

Well, it's not empty now, 'cause I'm standing here talking to you.

Well, it's not that hard. You need a sharp knife, that's all.

Well, let's just say it was the back.

Well, maybe I am overreacting.

Well, nobody ever threw a hamburger in my face.

Well, not now.

Well, not the quarters, 'cause I need that for laundry

Well, one time your abuelo came home early and saw me,

Well, ridiculous is a little strong, but...

Well, that is great.

Well, that is unexpected. Did she admit to watching it?

Well, that's just sexist.

Well, then, walk me through it, Jolene.

Well, there's no reason to get lawyers involved.

Well, they say you should answer every question honestly, so I did.

Well, they'd have more time with him, if, if...

Well, this is a surprise, because it's not a week from now.

Well, this is how I feel comfortable.

Well, this was fun.

Well, Vernon's library is much better than ours.

Well, we just got done explaining the whole thing.

Well, what about you, Penelope?

Well, what are you asking me? How to spot a lesbian?

Well, what are you gonna do about Scott, the bobo?

Well, what does your mother think?

Well, when my family oasis blew up last night,

Well, when you're done thinking, can I have $100?

Well, why don't you put the pope in your room and go smile in there?

Well, you don't understand. I have to leave.

Well, you grew out that mustache, huh?

Well, you have a job, plus Papi gives you money, right?

Well, you know how kids are.

Well, you know what, I am a straight shooter.

Well, you're at a gay bar

Well...

Well...

Well...

Well... I thank you for your service, Ms. Alvarez.

Well... you know, I always love a good street fair.

Were his teeth white, but not too white?

What a dick!

What are we going to do about our niña?

What are you bringing to the table?

What are you doing here, doc? Why aren't you at work?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here? Why are you spying on me?

What are you doing with mom's pills?

What are you doing, Mami?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

What century do you two think you're in?

What did you do?

What did you say?

What do you have in mind, sergeant Alvarez?

What does that even mean?

What does your profile say?

What happened to love is the quilt of passion?

What happened to tad?

What happened to you?

What happened to your face?

What happened?

What happened?

What I do understand is...

What I wish my mother would have said to me before my date.

What if I give you a raise, and you make the same amount as Scott?

What if I got up in the middle of the night

What if that's not what I want?

What is going on?

What is it like to be so loved?

What is it?

What is the right word? Let me see...

What is this, bamboo?

What is this?

What is this?

What is this?

What is wrong with civilian women?

What kinda sex talk did your parents give you?

What the hell is that?

What the hell is wrong with you?

What the hell kind of program is it, Victor?

What was that? And why was she drinking my coffee?

What were you doing all day?

What were you thinking, chasin' that woman away?

What, Mami? No, no. I wouldn't... I'm not gonna do...

What, papito?

What, what?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What?

What? I was just explaining what mansplaining...

What? Is someone injured? Oh, my god. Is it Gordon?

What? Is... That's fake?

What? It's true.

What? No!

What? No!

What? Shut up.

What? That's right, I'm cool.

What? What about Alex?

What? What'd she say?

What? Who is he? I'm gonna kick his ass.

What? Who, me?

What? Why?

What? Why... why is everybody laughing?

What...

What's "oh"? Don't "oh" me, tad.

What's abuelita doing?

What's going on here?

What's going on with you today? You're... you're all on edge.

What's going on?

What's going on? Do you have a date?

What's happening here? Are we becoming friends?

What's happening right now?

What's happening?

What's happening?

What's his name? Alvin? I don't know. We're not that close.

What's this?

What's up?

What's with all the questions?

What's wrong? Does it have a virus?

Whatever, I needed that. I had a crazy annoying day.

When did you...

When I get back, I'm going to call cousin orencio.

When I get home, there's barely enough time to have a meal with the kids.

When I got so much going on up here.

When I met my ex, I was wearing sneaks, jeans,

When I moved here as a 15 year old girl

When I saw you earlier?

When I think about love...

When I was 15, I told father I wanted to be a professional tap dancer.

When I was a kid, there was an adult section

When I was putting up my fliers, so I may teach the world to dance again.

When I was three.

When inside, I was thinking...

When is this going to be over?

When it comes to dating, 38 is basically...

When it comes to ideas, no one's keeping score,

When my dogs are upset, I rub their bellies.

When our actual kids are waiting at home?

When papi's here next week, do I have to, like, hang out with him?

When people emphasize the importance of physical appearance.

When she finds out, you'll know,

When you could be giving money to a guy named Alex?

When you eat Sushi, you sometimes imagine the fish screaming?

When you quit teaching, isn't there?

When you take the communion

When you were deployed,

When you woke the kids up in the middle of the night

When's the last time you did that?

Where are Alex's pants?

Where are my pants?

Where I could just transport there?

Where she is getting shot at and I don't even know what else...

Where we argue the opposite side to better understand each other.

Where would a devout catholic woman go

Where you guys been?

Where's abuelita?

Where's abuelita?

Where's breakfast?

Where's Elena? I really need to talk to her.

Which I know you know 'cause you're the smartest one in the family!

Which is different than ex,

Which is just a system that allows the wheels to maintain tractive control

Which is why I got a present for you, too.

Which is why you buried me in it.

Which means you did the right thing

Which shirt do you think is better for the cello recital?

Which...

While still maintaining an excellent level of patient doctor...

Who am I to disagree?

Who am I?

Who are you holding for?

Who do you think you're insulting?

Who is a man, so..

Who is going out on a date with a man who is not your husband.

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell do I think I am?

Who turned on the ac?

Who will be a productive member of society.

Who would like a pastelito?

Who's gonna clean up the mess?

Who's never even seen a second of combat?

Whoa, it worked.

Whoa, what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Whoa. Are you homophobic?

Whoever you marry, he'll be rich.

Whoo hoo hoo hoo!

Whoo hoo!

Whoo hoo! Thank you, active seniors of silver lake!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoopsie!

Whoopsies!

Why are we slowing down?

Why are you acting like a freak?

Why are you calling, Schneider? Is Alex hurt?

Why are you doing this to me?

Why are you giving money to a guy named kiva

Why are you with such a snooze, huh? We know you have good taste.

Why can't they just know you're the boss?

Why do I keep giving everyone the wrong sex talk?

Why do you know?

Why do you like that kid again? Because he seems like a...

Why does everybody think I'm cold?

Why does everything have to be a crusade that is also annoying?

Why don't you just go to church and then go hikin' after?

Why is everyone staring at me?

Why is that the code word?

Why won't it stop?

Why would I waste my time?

Why wouldn't you two be waiting for me?

Why you lying to me, Carl?

Widening his stance really made him a monster at the plate.

Will that work for you, ma'am?

Wilted broccolini with radish micro Greens,

With a bat signal shaped like the pope's hat.

With a clear sense of herself.

With a roof rack full of antiques?

With Dr. b that they've come to expect.

With her terrible hairdos and her smelly bad breath.

With my face.

With the multicultural princesses?

With... the hair.

With... the hair.

Without any of the wetness.

Without being interrupted by Scott, the freakin' bobo

Without my family and not speaking the language.

Without you, we'd be on the street living in a cardboard box.

Women. Females. You guys... not guys, humans.

Won't you just try it my way, huh?

Wonder how they got there.

Wonderful news.

Working on it.

Would you also like to lie to me about smoking?

Would you like me to transfer you to tad? One moment.

Would you want me to live in a hotel?

Wouldn't it be cool if I could do that Star Trek thing

Wow, you broke Schneider

Wow, you're amazing!

Wow! Oh, and I got a customer.

Wow. Is that a pillow mint?

Wow. Yeah.

Wow. You make papi feel real dumb sometimes.

Wrong. Red.

Yeah, and abuelita and I have tickets to wrestling.

Yeah, and it worked.

Yeah, and maybe next time, don't hand out masks with my face on them.

Yeah, and then we'll go to applebee's.

Yeah, and this is not because of that crap you pulled with the test.

Yeah, but by now I bet Mr. resnick's traded her in for a younger model.

Yeah, but he's holding nunchucks, so he's awesome!

Yeah, but he's posing with a tiger.

Yeah, but I won't. I won't.

Yeah, but regular bars don't have $7 queen a coladas.

Yeah, but the good news is you're getting a new car, right?

Yeah, don't do that.

Yeah, don't do that.

Yeah, fine!

Yeah, girl! You don't need no man!

Yeah, he does not look well.

Yeah, I can't wait to get you outta my life.

Yeah, I do all right.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I finally took the plunge and went full handlebar.

Yeah, I get it.

Yeah, I got bigger fish here, Penelope.

Yeah, I just remembered I double booked with another middle school concert.

Yeah, I know you don't agree with them,

Yeah, I know. That's what I said when you went over.

Yeah, I like it, too.

Yeah, I mean, I figured you would

Yeah, I'm here. Did you find Jolene?

Yeah, I'm not gonna grow a real one until I know if people like it.

Yeah, I'm not gonna see him again.

Yeah, it is.

Yeah, it seems like it's working.

Yeah, it sounds like he really cares about you.

Yeah, let's not put that in your profile.

Yeah, like, marriage used to be a way to pay off debts.

Yeah, Mr. Schneider, don't you wanna go hang out with the other parents?

Yeah, she can't hear me.

Yeah, she don't need no prince.

Yeah, she gets the groceries, cooks, cleans,

Yeah, she's with Jesus now.

Yeah, so, I will, uh...

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, thank you so much. Have a nice day.

Yeah, that quilt is too old.

Yeah, that's actually not something...

Yeah, that's not happening.

Yeah, that's the magic of hotel rooms.

Yeah, the bad part.

Yeah, they get excited by tiny soaps and sewing kits.

Yeah, well, I am one.

Yeah, whatever it was, don't worry.

Yeah, wow!

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They can both wear dresses to the wedding,

Yeah, you better be waving at someone you know.

Yeah, you don't look that sorry.

Yeah, you know, we'll talk about that later.

Yeah, you're always saying you're a "badass."

Yeah, you're right. That is my problem.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah! Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. And she's all, like, empowered.

Yeah. And... and she comes with a purse, and, uh, pajamas...

Yeah. Come on, man.

Yeah. He'd be in for a long series of disappointments.

Yeah. I guess I didn't try

Yeah. It was nice to have someone to share the load.

Yeah. No more Internet, no social media, not even a phone.

Yeah. Oh, uh... Quick, before you go to school,

Yeah. Stand there, so I can always remember you this way.

Yeah. There's not enough hours in a day to watch it all.

Yeah. Wait, wait.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You were right.

Yep, I'm good.

Yep, yep, yep.

Yep.

Yes, but that's not okay that you said that.

Yes, everything is fine. At least you're talking to me now.

Yes, I am.

Yes, I invited him again. He's an orphan.

Yes, I know.

Yes, if your business is taming lions.

Yes, it was hot over there. You're welcome for my service.

Yes, it's been 20 years.

Yes, let's catch you up.

Yes, ma'am. Oh! I'm so excited.

Yes, Penelope. That's the kind of friend I am.

Yes, she does, right?

Yes, that would be great.

Yes, yes.

Yes, you are, papito.

Yes, you have. My baby pictures.

Yes, you keep that up, and you will not have a quinces.

Yes, your papi gives me money,

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Exactly.

Yes. My mom is at the opera with Dr. Berkowitz,

Yes. Wait, no. Wait... sometimes, okay?

Yesterday, I was in my office... I'm a nurse.

Yet still surprisingly strong anxiety attack.

Yo entiendo.

Yo no entiendo cómo these men and women all want to be the same.

Yo Voy a matar este hombre.

Yolo!

You are back so late, I decided to have a little me time.

You are home.

You are in love with this girl?

You are not at war.

You are not at war.

You are safe.

You are so brave.

You are the most beautiful woman in the world.

You are throwing away your Cuban heritage.

You ask her.

You beautiful weirdo.

You believe you're eating the actual flesh and blood of Jesus?

You better stop flirting with me, Jerry.

You can borrow mine.

You can count on it.

You can do that?

You can do this.

You can explain how one pair of sneakers magically became five?

You can get a renaissance painting right on your computer.

You can have my bed. I will sleep with lupe.

You can probably dump that whole thing on there.

You can take him.

You can't have me.

You can't really expect us to be ready for you, it's...

You can't say anything to anyone.

You can't take five minutes to help me out?

You can't.

You could say that.

You could try a bathroom stall, but that's a little sketch.

You deserve more.

You did?

You didn't think to text me that?

You didn't think to write it down...

You didn't wanna give me the heads up that he was here?

You dismiss everything I say!

You do that again and I'll put my quinces tiara on you while you sleep,

You do?

You don't even know if you like boys.

You don't even need the ten dollars.

You don't get it. It's not about you.

You don't know where Julio spends his time.

You don't like what I am doing, I won't do it.

You don't need drugs. You need your husband.

You don't think Penelope suspects that we went together?

You don't understand social media. Abuelita..

You down?

You even refused to take any pictures with Santa

You flirt with them. You hypnotize them.

You get upset and you clean.

You glad you came back early for this?

You go, Josh!

You got a 22 year old white boy from south Carolina

You got fed some bad intel. You gotta up your gossip game, son.

You got it, dad. I mean, dude.

You got this. Let's give them a show

You got your whole life ahead of you. There'll be plenty of other boys.

You gotta call Scott out.

You gotta get used to being around gay people,

You gotta start dating again, Penelope.

You grew!

You guys already ate, didn't you?

You guys have calmed me down.

You guys have calmed me down.

You guys wanna start takin' bets?

You guys, I'm so sorry.

You had to pay someone a fortune

You have a girl over here and you were offering to have sex with me?

You have weird goals.

You just be a twelve year old boy, okay?

You just found out.

You just need a little time... For your head to catch up.

You just wanna spoon?

You just worked that out in ten seconds?

You keep him in the trunk now?

You keep saying that

You know how hard I bust my ass, by myself, to send you to that school

You know how much I appreciate your help,

You know I always have my phone on me.

You know Mrs. resnick can't handle that!

You know the drill.

You know what might help you?

You know what, Captain Debater? Let's debate this.

You know what, I gotta be honest,

You know what? I think I'll get my pen

You know what? I'd like to hear from the ladies.

You know what? Let me talk to her.

You know you're the only non Latino I trust to fix stuff.

You know your papi named her after a hot teacher he had a crush on.

You know, all the nicknames and the fist bumps...

You know, back then, online dating meant

You know, I know bobo is an insult, but it sounds adorable.

You know, I should be embarrassed, but mom and dad are kinda cute up there.

You know, I'll have a little too much wine,

You know, it's bad enough that you take 40 minute showers.

You know, it's normal for a teenage boy and it's healthy to be curious.

You know, Josh is your first boyfriend.

You know, keep it hundred.

You know, let me just unwedge myself

You know, like one of those couples that other couples hate being around,

You know, like today, I barely got a word in

You know, like today, I barely got a word in

You know, once in Afghanistan...

You know, she still talks to him out loud.

You know, since Victor's gone, I don't sleep.

You know, sometimes I'll get in early and hang out with the mechanics

You know, the entire world is one giant, wet bathroom floor.

You know, this is all on me now. I wanna handle it right.

You know, this is the only time anyone has ever seen me without makeup.

You know, to help atone for the environmental devastation

You know, where I'm cool and supportive and..

You know, with the Internet, kids see too much too soon.

You know, you can still get Sushi without peeing on something.

You know, you use makeup like armor because it makes you comfortable.

You know, you went missing for one day

You know, your papi picked me up for our first date in that car.

You know.

You know...

You know... I used all public transportation today.

You like it?

You lit a car on fire?

You look great. And whatever this is, good luck with it

You look lovely, as always.

You make me sound like I have an accent.

You mansplaining, microaggressive, bobo cabrón!

You mean a Lincoln Douglas debate? My specialty?

You might also want to avoid guys who post their abs, but not their face.

You might have a two hour head start, but I will hunt you down.

You might wanna circle the block, Jerry.

You missed it.

You must be breaking all the boys' hearts.

You must be so proud.

You need to be in a real program.

You need to do something about this little sinvergüenza.

You never get to be here for my stuff.

You never let us turn it on.

You ought to come to the bowling alley, and watch me crush some pins.

You owe me $30.

You play it cool. I'm texting back.

You proved I can trust you.

You put on lipstick, you get dressed up, you see your friends, you gossip...

You really wanna go there? 'Cause I'm holding a hammer.

You said I could order sneakers for school.

You said, "do you want one?" I said, "yes."

You saw that!

You scared me.

You see that dish of change by the door? That's your college fund

You seem cool.

You seem to have forgot. Sunday morning is for church.

You seem to have forgot. We don't skip church.

You should come. I insist.

You should have a quinces like you just proved.

You should probably talk to Jolene, then.

You should wear red lipstick for your encounter tonight.

You should.

You should've seen Schneider. The other parents were obsessed.

You still have spider man sheets.

You tell me to shut up, do it anyway.

You tell me.

You think I like being alone?

You think I'm sexist? That's crazy.

You understand. You know, we weren't expecting you for another week,

You walk in to get a yogurt, you see him...

You walked out?

You wanna be with your friends?

You wanna go...

You wanna make new friends,

You wanna see real sexism?

You want me to be this strong, independent woman like you.

You want me!

You want to take him on a trip overnight to a strange city?

You watching me sleep, creepy lady?

You went to Afghanistan for Christmas.

You were in the army!

You were just having a nightmare.

You were just having a nightmare.

You were so wonderful to me at my birthday party.

You were talking to me about nightmares...

You will never win men over by confronting them.

You would believe Alex was all right

You would never say that to Dr. berkowitz.

You wouldn't be here.

You wouldn't eat the body of Christ.

You wouldn't think you want a warm butt... but you totally do.

You wrecked your first communion because, as a vegetarian,

You... you know I could take a look at that eye for you myself,

You'd be surprised how many of my hookups started with "ugh!"

You'll both be there, and it'll be a good chance to get to know each other.

You'll finally have something in common.

You're 40 and you look stupid.

You're amazing.

You're comin' on way too strong.

You're curious about stuff.

You're gonna have a big party, with a poofy dress and a bad photo.

You're gonna have to call back on Monday.

You're gonna let him turn you into a little latino drug dealer?

You're gonna sell me a 2012 Pre owned Honda cr v,

You're home later than usual.

You're in a good mood.

You're just saying that to be nice.

You're just saying that to cheer me up.

You're kidding, right?

You're making breakfast, you're being thoughtful.

You're not gonna give me credit for that?

You're not ready to have her follow you in the streets,

You're not seeing anyone about your pts?

You're older than me.

You're sexist, and I'm tired of letting it go!

You're so sensitive.

You're too okay with it. And don't tell Alex.

You're way too young.

You're welcome, mija.

You're welcome!

You've been through some hard stuff, babe,

You've had dinner with us four times this week.

You've really been eating here a lot lately.

You've trained to rappel out of helicopters.

Your abuela wants to throw you a sick kick back on a Saturday night.

Your abuela...

Your abuelita, she can be a broken record, but she taught me life can be tough.

Your accent is still... no good.

Your argument is that my adulthood has to be approved by your friends?

Your blood pressure looks good.

Your daughter does not want to have a quinces.

Your daughter is so dramatic

Your heart is okay.

Your husband?

Your mom called her the "stick girl" and made her eat Plato De huevos.

Your mom's kind of mean. I'm obsessed with her.

Your mother will go hiking with Satan.

Your papi would never say those things about you.

Your quinces is around the corner,

Your waiter will be with you in a minute.

Zach Miller hit her with a hamburger.

Zero interesting words.

9:00 P.M. weekdays. 10:00 P.M., weekends.

¡ay! You okay, mom?

¡Dame esa cosa! Ay.

¿Ah, Sí? Yeah.

¿Qué? Mmm hmm.

♪ Un cry these tears ♪ ♪ baby, baby, baby ♪

Abuelita? No!

Again? I know, okay, I'll tell it.

Ah ah! Oh!

Ah... What, Mami?

All right. Look at me in the eye here.

All right. Sounds good.

All right. Hey, look, I'm... I'm sorry. No!

All right... No, no, no. No, no.

Alvarez, 2294. Who are you holding for?

Am I? Yeah, why?

And anyway, lupe, I booked a hotel. Okay, that sounds good.

and fax things. Oh, my god.

And I'll see you guys later. Bye, mom.

And I'MMA give you five stars. Thank you.

And now you're off speaker. Schneider!

And she's a teenager, right? Right.

And, Schneider? Yeah?

Any idea where she could be? No, none.

Are you wearing a little mascara? No!

Arm candy. I hear ya. Yeah.

Awful. Pretty tame.

Ay, qué cosa Linda. Gracias. Claro.

Ay. Why do you know that?

Big plans this weekend? Don't look at me.

Blood type? O positive.

Boom? Yeah, I don't do that.

Boom. Boom!

but she's still not here. What?

Bye. Okay, let's do it.

Can I get a beer? No, she's busy.

Can we not talk about that ever again? Nothing would make me happier.

Can't wait. I'm going to go, too.

clean enough to send back. Oh, no?

Come on, lupe. Please!

Come on, now! Whoo! What?

Come on! Hey!

Come out here, honey. What's up, Abuelita?

Damn it, Schneider. No, Schneider didn't say anything.

Did you want something? Just to share some amazing news.

Did your boss die? No.

Do you want me to talk to Josh? I don't even want you to talk to me.

Don't let them make me up like a puta! Them make me up like a puta!

Don't put me in a home. What?

Done! Please? Okay.

Done. Which he's never gonna do,

Follow them home? Yeah. Or to their car.

from the meeting yesterday

Georgie, Miguel or petros? Petros.

Gimme your vibe. Oh, hello.

Go on. Really?

Good morning, Elena. Morning.

Good morning. Morning.

Good morning. Morning.

Great. Mmm hmm. Great.

He cannot know about this date. Whoa!

Hello, Schneider. Listen, have you... Wow!

Hello? Guys...

Hello? Hello, hello? Who is this?

Hello? No, no, no.

Help. All right, all right.

Hey, little man... Okay. Out!

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Hey, Ms. Alvarez.

How do I talk to him about this? Uh... you don't.

How old are you? Thirty three.

How would that help? Honestly, I don't think it would,

Husband? I was gonna say "dad," but sure...

I believe everything. Really?

I can explain. Mmm hmm.

I can explain. Really?

I did my part with Elena. How'd it go?

I did this. ♪ Turn around ♪

I don't need lipstick. Yes, you do.

I found 'em in the trash. Hmm.

I hear what you're saying. Thank you.

I mean it. Please.

I mean, 15 is the new 25. Yes.

I meant her. What? She didn't do anything.

I'm 38. I know.

I'm going to spoon you. No.

I'm not. I am

Is Elena in her room? No, she's at Josh's.

Is that your Mami I hear? Yeah, she wants to say hi.

Is this Penelope Alvarez? Yes!

It sounds like Texas isn't that bad. I love it.

it'll be fine. Ramona!

it's five o'clock! Oh, you exaggerate. 4:30.

It's hard to find women who get me. Oh, me, too.

It's just about sex. Oh, god!

it's just... What?

It's not like he cheated on you. It's not the only thing that matters.

It's your computer. No, it's not my...

Jolene. I'm holding for Jolene. Transferring you now.

Just a little more Rouge. Ay, Mami, no.

Just one more question, ma'am. Sure. Anything

Lady gaga? Yeah.

learning about cars. Oh! Oh!

Let me ask you... No, I never killed anyone.

Let me give you a second. Thank you.

Let's just call it guidance. Okay. That's good.

Like he's a little clown. Oh, yes, he is a clown.

Lori. Here.

Mami, don't ask... Yacht rock...

Mami, please. I'll be in my servant's quarters.

Mami. Why?

Mom, I'm not having sex. Oh, thank god!

Mom, stop talking! Oh. I'm gonna stop talking.

Mom, today was the best day. Ooh!

Mom, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Mom. What? What's wrong?

No, it's fine. He can stay out here.

No, this bed! Guys.

No, wait, what? That was too fast. No, you're too slow.

No, you don't. No, I don't!

No! What?

No. No, no, no, no. Yeah!

None of that happened. Yes.

Not like that. Oh.

Oh, god. All right?

Oh, my God, I'm sorry! Oh...

Oh, my god, is that how Cubans clap? You don't wanna find out.

Oh, no, I can't. It's not for you.

Oh, no, no, no. I hate car dealerships.

Oh, no? No!

Oh, sorry. No, it's okay.

Oh, yeah! She's good. Oh.

Oh! Oh, thank god!

Oh! There you go!

Oh! Your phone telling you things. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh?

Okay, any new business? Yes!

Okay, but there is a... Great! Status quo it is

Okay, guys. Guys, slow down. This room is awesome!

Okay, shh! No!

Okay? Okay.

Okay? Okay.

Okay? You got it? Of course.

Okay. It's all good.

Okay. It's much more subtle now

Okay. Okay.

Okay. So you're cool?

Ooh, that's a cool hammer. Uh, careful.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh.

Ooh. Um, yeah, I'm sorry about the doll.

Overreacting? Please!

Ow! Okay. Dibs on this bed.

Penelope, would you like to come in? Yeah, sure.

Penelope. That's my name.

Please hold. Not that!

please! You go on.

Plus a dollar more an hour. Done.

Por favor. No, Mami.

Pouting. Where's breakfast?

Probably not. Ay, Ramona!

Really? Yeah, you're Cuban now.

Really? Yeah!

Really? Yeah.

Schneider, you came here to watch porn? No!

Schneider. Hey! Yeah.

Seriously, what's going on? Don't worry. It's nothing bad.

Should I text back? No, no. Play it cool.

Shut up! I mean, who knows if he'll even call,

So how was the opera? Magnificent.

So if you have anything for next week.. I'm sorry.

So you are for the car now? No!

So, thank you. Oh!

Sometimes, okay? Yeah.

Son? Really?

Tad, give me five minutes. Okay.

Thank you for understanding... No!

Thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you. That's good. Good.

That sounds like poor. We're not poor!

That was great, wasn't it? Oh, so great

That's great. Yeah.

That's terrible news. Huh?

That's tonight? Yeah.

The divorce papers. Yeah.

This was really nice. Yeah.

Thought that was at your dad's house... I have one, too!

Three? Yeah.

Toma, lupe. Oh.

Uh huh. Do you think you could show me

Uh, you wanna go over there? No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait, Alex knows, too? Yeah.

Wait, you can do that? Yes.

Was it you? No!

We have to do something. What do you mean?

Well, at least... At least Christmas and easter.

What do you mean? You know, a "virgin."

What happened to your face? What happened to your face?

What happened, Ms. Alvarez? It's nothing, Finn.

What the hell you talking about? What? What are you...

What, you liked it? Oh, yes. It made me laugh.

What? Just it's...

What? No, no!

What? Why do you smell like beer?

What? Why?

What? Yes.

What? No, I wasn't. Don't lie to me.

What's our play? You don't talk.

Where are you going? Grocery shopping.

Where is she? I don't know.

Who is it? It's Penelope. Open up.

Who wants to play a game of I spy? This guy!

Who wants to play a game of I spy? This guy!

Who? The people.

Who's gonna steal that? Schneider.

Why can't you help me now? I have to go.

Why don't you use your own laptop? I locked it in my safe.

Why would we be out of town? No reason.

Would you like to join us? No.

Wow, that is so inspiring. Mmm.

Yeah, I can do this. Yes. Yes

Yeah, I'm out. Yes, I should probably go, too.

Yeah, you're right. It's too soon. No, I wanna come

Yeah? Yeah.

Yes, I was an army medic in Afghanistan. Yeah...

Yes, move over. Mami, no!

Yes, you're right. Of course. She's a good catholic girl.

Yes, you're right. Of course. She's a good catholic girl.

Yes. Great. Oh, uh, but first...

You can keep it. Yes.

You don't sound great. I'm not great.

You knew? Yeah.

You mean you're homophobic? Ha! There is the judgment.

You should come to the group. Maybe I will.

You still feel weird. I still feel weird!

You think he and I? Like we would ever!

You told me she was going. Oh, she lied.

You won't? Nah.

You're back early. Yeah.

You're gonna like this. It's very nice. No, don't do it.

You're walking. Foot traffic

¡Ay! Ay, ay, Elena.

¡ay! Okay.

¡Azúcar!

¡Elena, ven acá!

¡mira!

¡Perfecto!

¡Sí! Take my leg, bruto.

¿Qué es El yacht rock?

¿qué puedo hacer?

'Cause he told me he was gonna wrap himself around a tree.

'cause I ain't no punk! Oh, I'm sorry.

'Cause I like them.

'cause I spent all last night

'Cause I'm afraid to stop.

'cause it shows them how not happy they are?

'cause it's about to go down!

'Cause Mrs. resnick kind of smells like a gas leak in Hawaii.

'Cause Satan loves the fiesta lime chicken!

'cause she was makin' a move on her man,

'cause that guy is full on sketchy.

'Cause that's part of working the program, right?

'cause when you thought it was Alex, you said it was healthy.

'Course you can, you just need to do a little research.

"Adam Bennett."

"All love is a selfish sickness."

"Ay, Dios mío, she's a junkie like the Amy Winehouser."

"Ay!"

"Dear lupe's friend. Is her phone on silent, or did you kidnap her?"

"Earth murderers."

"Experienced latina will make your body do things you didn't know it could"?

"Hero."

"hey, I like girls!"

"Hey, mom, I think I might like girls."

"Hi. My body proportions aren't representative"

"His room is close to a fire escape

"I hate you!"

"If she can do that, then I can do this."

"If you ever want me to go away, just say, 'Go away.'"

"It was so great meeting you. Best part of my night."

"Let's get mani pedis."

"Look at the amazing single mom pulling it all together by herself."

"Lupita, nobody wants to marry a used handkerchief."

"my little girl is becoming a woman" thing,

"No, you can't have me!"

"of a typical girl my age."

"Okay, he owns her now. No raping this one."

"or I will burn this building down!"

"Oye. La nieta De olguitita got new tetas."

"Pick up his favorite soda. Pick up his favorite potato chips.

"please, god, don't let Elena come home with a face tattoo."

"So, you must keep men from sneezing in it."

"Technically" pure.

"Tumbleweed." That's our code word.

"Twat," "tweet." Same thing.

♪ ...Break my heart ♪

♪ a total eclipse of the heart ♪

♪ and you're never coming round ♪

♪ Don't leave me in all this pain ♪

♪ don't leave me out in the rain ♪

♪ every now and then I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ exchanging glances ♪

♪ hold the line ♪

♪ I cried so many nights ♪

♪ It's not in the way that you hold me ♪

♪ it's not in the way you look or the things that you say that you do ♪

♪ it's not in the way you say you care ♪

♪ Love isn't always on time ♪

♪ say you'll love me again ♪

♪ say you'll love me again ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ turn around ♪

♪ turn around bright eyes ♪

♪ turn around bright eyes ♪

♪ Un break my heart ♪

♪ Un break my heart ♪

♪ undo this hurt that you caused ♪

♪ Undo this hurt you caused ♪

♪ we'd be sharing love ♪

♪ what were the chances ♪

♪ when you walked out the door and walked out of my life ♪

♪ wondering in the night ♪