Evan Almighty (2007) Soundboard Edit

All right, Baxter brood, I will see you later on this afternoon for the big hike. Yes?

All right, everyone, wish me luck. The Congressman has left the building.

All right.

All right. What do you say we take a little break?

ALL: Yeah.

Although I wouldn't worry so much about these wolves as those.

Although you probably already know that. Or have heard it. Not experienced it.

An Argentine lake duck has a penis as long as its body.

And Bob Hughes is Transportation.

And do you know why?

And my response to said question is,

And then Ryan did the cutest thing. He asked if we could all pray together.

And we're gonna get out of it as a family,

And, now, we have a surprise for Evan.

Are you equally stunned by this man's appearance?

Are you familiar with Jim Jenkins, the junior congressman from Tennessee?

Back to work?

Building something

Buster is part of the family now. You're just gonna have to get used to it.

But did he tell you to make your friends believe in you and follow you here

But now he's sitting on his own committee.

But this has got to stop. Please. You're scaring me.

Can I help you?

Caught in the storm surge and heading towards Memorial Bridge!

Chuck Long, Resources Committee Chairman.

Close the door after I leave! Just do it!

Congressman Hughes

Congressman Long, I, I, I, I...

Dad, Dad, I think it's done.

Dad, whatever you say, I'm with you.

Dad?

Dad?

Did you just do a wardrobe change?

Do not mouth off to me, sir. I am the boss of you.

Do the dance.

Don't look down, Congressman, but the wolves are here,

Don't recognize it, eh?

Don't scratch!

Don't! No! Just put it down! Look at you.

DYLAN: Yeah. Whatever. New house, same old dad

Enjoy your office. Your neighbor, Congressman Long.

Evan, what are you doing? You have a pony tail on your face!

EVAN: Come on, Buster.

EVAN: Guys, easy.

EVAN: Insult to injury! My!

Evan? Take it in. Take it in.

Everybody hang on!

Everyone but Buster is going to get a sandwich.

Genesis, chapter six, verse fourteen.

Get on the ark now! Let's go! Get on the ark! Let's go!

God bless America.

God commanded me to build an ark!

Good luck getting a tree to come to the polls.

Good morning!

Good to see you.

Gopher wood.

Guys, help me with the door!

Guys?

He can't do that.

He chose all of us.

He lives in all things and has over six billion seven hundred million children.

He's a mook.

Hello!

Here we go

Here we go!

Here's your mail and your schedule. Okay.

Hey, guys.

Hey! No, no, no! That's my cup!

Hey. Hey, we said we would have to make sacrifices, right?

Hey. You okay, young man?

High five. High five.

Hold it right there

Hold on. Congressman Long asked us to junior cosponsor his bill? What's the bill?

Holy... Get everyone on the ark now!

Hon, could we have some more chicken September 22, midday?

Honey, maybe God didn't mean a literal flood.

Honey, you're the one who said you wanted to change the world.

Hot, hot, hot! Hot off the press! It's a joke. Here are your plates, sir.

How about some sandwiches? Okay.

How long do you want to do this, son? I've got all eternity.

How much did you make off of all this land?

HR7124, better known as CINPLAN.

I actually think it's really comfortable. That's why I'm wearing it

I command thee halt! Stop! Whoa!

I don't even want to know what's coming out the back.

I fought you every step of the way.

I gave you a little shove at the end. Sue me.

I gotta hand it to you, this is quite the show.

I just did.

I just want you to trust me. You just have to have faith.

I know. We just need something to lift those beams.

I love you guys. All right.

I mean, I've been suspended, but I'm still a congressman.

I thought I would never get them to bed.

I want your full support and nothing else.

I went to that meeting in a suit, and he took it off of me.

I will lower taxes,

I'll need you to put that into a letter of intent,

I'm cold. I'm wet. I'm going home.

I'm doing a background check on that kid.

If that's true,

Image is everything, isn't it?

It can't end this way

It's called business, son.

It's fast, it's smart, can fend for itself, but it chooses not to.

It's going to rain! There's going to be a flood!

JOAN: Congressman Long went to the city. There's a laundry list of code violations.

JOAN: Here it is, hon

JOAN: No, come on. Come on! RYAN: Come on!

Joan!

Joan! Do we have a Bible anywhere?

Just don't take too long, okay?

Just put some leverage. You got to put some body weight.

Ladies first! Move!

Let me see that.

Let's go. Let's go, guys. Come on

Long locked us out.

LONG: Ladies and gentlemen! Please!

Making lemonade out of lemons. Pick up your phone! Come on!

MAN 3: Save us, Baxter!

MAN OVER TV: High temperatures tomorrow back into the 90s everywhere,

Marty said that Long cut corners, violated building codes.

Marty! Sorry I'm late. Come on, let's go.

Maybe that's put too much pressure on you. I don't know.

Mmm hmm. That's a good new house dance.

Mom!

Mom! Dad! Come here!

Mother! Father! Sister! Brother! Wow!

Nice, isn't it? Politics is dog eat dog,

No

No, Dad. I told you, I'm with you.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no!

No, you don't. We do.

No.

No. He might have lice, fleas, maggots or something.

Noah build the ark for his wife and 3 sons...

Nothing.

Now, you expect me to believe everything is hunky dory?

Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, my God. It is you.

Oh, well, you know, I figured it was a weekend, and I thought...

One act of random kindness at a time.

Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?

Over the potential disappearance of one stupid bird...

Ow!

Perfect. Thanks.

Please! Congressman Baxter has a tendency to embrace the theatrical

Prestige Crest used to be federal lands,

Ready? One, two, three. Come on.

Remove him now!

Remove him now!

Right.

Rita, I know that this doesn't make any sense

Ryan, do not touch him, please!

RYAN: Holy moly!

Save them from what, Congressman?

Seriously. Okay, I got it.

Served sans pastry of any kind.

Sheep!

So do I.

So, you're really him, aren't you?

Some animals know when weather's coming. When they feel it coming, they sit.

Something's wrong.

Sorry.

Successful, powerful, handsome, happy.

Thank you.

That is nice! Which is best?

That is not possible

That way I'll have more time to work on the ark!

That's easy. Just don't.

That's it

That's right. He lives in Prestige Crest, right up the street.

The Arctic white wolf, Congressman, realizes

The Congressman and I are going to have a little chat.

The dam, Congressman

The point is

The whole weekend?

This is day one.

Those animals are following me because of him.

Those are the wolves, son.

Those fish are on you like bait on a hook.

To lead the Pledge of Allegiance.

To their natural habitats?

Uh huh.

Up, up. Push it up. Push it. We got it. We got it. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Was it this big in the brochure?

We don't have money to hire anybody else.

Well, I like stories.

Well, let's see.

Well, okay. Okay, so what do I do? I grab the wood and...

Well, sir, actually, things have been a little more dory.

Well, then you have to understand that this whole building an ark thing

Well, well, well. There they are. It is good to see you guys.

What are we going to do?

What is going on with you?

What is that?

What makes you so sure God chose you?

What the..

What would you pray for?

What?

What? Are you shooting up Rogaine?

What? Well, why an ark? I mean, that's like flood territory.

When I met Congressman Jenkins, he was fresh off the turnip truck,

When it reconvenes in the morning

Who's crazy now, huh? Look at us all squishing!

With all these species, what's being done about the feces?

WOMAN 2: Please. It's a trick

WOMAN: No one knows where they came from

WOMAN: We're going to crash!

Wow. That is disgusting.

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah. And you grow this crazy beard!

Yeah. What did you pray for?

Yes, sir.

You can't be sitting in a chair.

You did good, son. You changed the world.

You guys, I'm up here.

You have internet access. Very impressive. Do you also have cable?

You want me to build an ark.

You want me to write that down?

You want to change the world, son

You want to know how to change the world, son?

You're gonna have to tell him I'm sick. Just cover for me. Just help me out!

Your left nipple is a quarter inch higher than your right nipple.

Yup. The wrong address.

614

(ALARM RINGING)

(ALL MURMURING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ANIMALS CALLING)

(ANIMALS CHATTERING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BIRDS COOING)

(CHATTERING)

(CHUCKLING)

(CLAMORING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(EVAN EXCLAIMING)

(EVAN EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING IN DISBELIEF)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(EXHALING)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

(GASPS)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTING)

(HAMMER SLAMMING)

(HORSE WHINNYING)

(JUST LIKE NOAH'S ARK PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

(LIP SYNCING)

(MARTY EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

(READING)

(ROARING)

(SHARP DRESSED MAN PLAYING)

(SHRIEKING)

(SIGHING)

(SIRENS BLARING)

(SNARLING)

(SNIFFLING)

(THUDDING)

(WOOD SNAPPING)