Silicon Valley (2014) - Season 5 Edit

A "mis steak" house!

A 5% shot of surviving AI,

A 51...

A 51% attack...

A bear, an otter.

A black site would actually be better,

A bunch of free compute power in our network?

A bunch of free compute power on our network?

A campfire smells sad

A cease and desist letter.

A CEO and a gay CEO.

A change of clothing.

A circuit queen, a chub, a pup

A decentralized Internet, like we were going to build with Richard Hendricks.

A desire to self mutilate.

A fake Pied Piper. This is Jian Yang, not us.

A few are.

A few hours into our conversation,

A front trunk.

A game that was the central element

A gipster, a daddy chaser,

A good thing has finally happened.

A good thing.

A house and a 10% Pied Piper.

A large, 10 bucks.

A leatherman, a lady boy.

A little cocksmanship was a fun diversion.

A little less ruinously empathetic.

A lot of computers in here

A lot of people I don't know.

A machine.

A mayor's job is never easy.

A Mr. Jeff Washburn.

A number of concerned citizens

A number of encrypted messages

A perverse...

A second attack.

A signed agreement with me

A signed series B term sheet.

A term sheet for your series B.

A term sheet for your series B.

A ton of the cash they gave you,

A very challenging business partner.

A week's worth of work went up in smoke.

Aaah!

About $500.

About 500 of those orders tonight are me.

About anything other than business?

About Bitcoin as a jumping off point?

About granting you your series B.

About how we're in a Bitcoin bubble.

About the growth of the global economy,

About the inevitable rise of the machines.

About the next words that come out of your mouth.

About the spotlight, should it be wider?

About the tech industry.

About this Jian Yang situation?

About this Jian Yang situation?

About to drop the fucking hammer.

About upper level management stuff.

About wading into the Internet enabled market.

About what you're proposing to do to Gilfoyle.

Above Ludicrous Mode. Am I correct?

Absolutely.

Absolutely. Look at all the products

According to the U.S. patent office,

Actually, that's the one thing we can't do here at Hooli.

Actually, uh, no, we can't.

After all you put me through,

After she gives us something in return.

Again, Richard...

Against the government?

Agreed to participate in our second fund.

Ah

Ah, a happy surprise.

Ah, Gavin. Dim sum closes in 40 minutes.

Ah, Hoover.

Ah, our nutrition center.

Ah, shit.

Ah, understood. Keep trying, please.

Ah, yes, well, we'll certainly

Ah, yes! There.

Ah, yes. A compliment.

Ah, yes. Admittedly a moment of weakness.

Ah, yes. Huzzah. Onward.

Ah.

Ah. Those stallions.

AI is starting to operate on levels

Al Gore.

All because Mr. Hendricks here

All because you owe Monica and Laurie "a solid."

All fully paid for.

All I wanna see is people working

All my asshole friends keep getting

All of a sudden, I...

All of it.

All of my coders or none of them.

All of our developer apps, crash our coin.

All of our developers could be losing data.

All our phones are turned off, now.

All over the bottom of the ocean.

All recorded audio to the cloud.

All right, I get it.

All right, so the patch is ready?

All right, then

All right, well, it's a pretty straight road from here, so...

All right, what's this interesting idea?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Good to go.

All right. Hop in, Frankenstein.

All right. I have a dinner meeting

All right. I think the only actual way to celebrate

All right. One more, right there.

All right. You wanna get insane?

All right... Ugh. All right.

All the coin I had from the ICO that worked

All these people working here.

All these things that are changing by the minute.

All those companies for the Chinese markets?

All those companies for the Chinese markets?

All you ever hear is, "Where's Richard?"

All you have to do

Allow me to paint for you a scenario.

Allow me to read the very same message

Allowing you to speak less?

Almost as cute as your bike.

Almost done.

Alright, 'cause it's not just about losing K Hole,

Alright, can everyone see?

Alright, forget it.

Alright, I'm gonna go mingle.

Alright, look, Fiona.

Alright, okay.

Alright, Richard,

Alright, so, uh, did you just call me

Alright, then.

Alright, well, I'm shutting her down

Alright, well, thank you, Richard

Alright, well, we thought the best way

Alright, what about Blake Kang?

Alright!

Alright! Great tour!

Alright? It's what makes her such a great VC.

Alright? She's gonna be plugged back into her old servers,

Alright. Fine.

Alright. Stop, stop.

Also free of charge.

Also, the IRS called.

Although, you'd have to convince the SEC.

Always feels like a bit of a homecoming for me.

Am I gonna say to these people?

America loves Christians.

America.

American politicians

Amongst the handicapped.

An arrangement between YaoNet and Hooli

An entirely new Internet.

An ICO?

An initial coin offering? It's basically a...

An Internet that is everything

And a green bean and regained my composure.

And a horrible way to make a living.

And a very low payroll, which affords me

And about inserting a back door.

And again, great job closing our funding.

And all the other rejects,

And all this pizazz is like the honey.

And also, to apologize for last night.

And an existential threat to the powers that be?

And another one a minute after that.

And apparently that's because every single one of 'em

And apparently, they're a bigger deal than we are.

And are now officially on board

And as she became more cognizant...

And back to your face,

And beat him to the punch.

And because of cuts to the fire department,

And become a digital currency company.

And beg them to take my car back.

And besides, I have a lifelong aversion to my own image.

And bleed your little greasebag operation dry.

And bleed your little greasebag operation dry.

And center myself.

And climbing walls, I would've stayed home,

And did I lose a B? Close to it. Fuck!

And doing an ICO to fund your launch,

And don't take this the wrong way,

And done zo.

And embark on a new journey.

And everyone out there is gonna get a great bonus.

And exciting at the same time.

And exploit us.

And figure out exactly where our users are coming from.

And finally, she was connected

And for one brief moment,

And found this thing, like, two miles under the ocean.

And from this point on,

And fuck the Signature Box Three.

And gamble your entire company on crypto,

And has rewarded me with...

And have fun, whether you like it or not.

And he basically failed.

And he inherited all of Mr. Bachman's assets

And he is a Walt Disney level optimist.

And he kept refusing, but you were relentless.

And he kept refusing, but you were relentless.

And he started picking up speed,

And he was begging me to take his subscribers.

And he wouldn't answer to his name,

And he's in jail.

And he's not here!

And he's okay with the gay part?

And he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis,

And he's talking about

And here I am on no sleep at all

And here I am.

And here it is."

And here's the thing, it's different enough

And highly motivated workers...

And him and his man go to church every Sunday.

And his eyes went dead,

And his head hair looked like beard hair.

And how quickly will that be, Stephanie?

And I don't even mean the word "guys,"

And I don't mean in the same way my deceased friend Gloria did,

And I don't think there's anything I can do about it.

And I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here

And I figure, Erlich and I already bought it,

And I go zero to 60 in 3.2...

And I had to return mine.

And I have a counterproposal,

And I have met Ira Glass.

And I have never been happier with an appliance

And I held out hopes for our experiment in the Yukon Territories.

And I just feel...

And I kind of feel like a fifth wheel,

And I know that deep down, in your heart, what you...

And I need to do it now.

And I need to really shove it up his ass.

And I put it in bucket.

And I really, genuinely felt bad for her.

And I see no reason you should not work with companies that share them.

And I started to panic.

And I tell you what, I got a sneak preview for you guys, okay?

And I think we all remember why, you know?

And I told him to...

And I was going to take you to see BattleBots live with me,

And I was thinking maybe,

And I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network

And I'm not gonna let that happen again.

And I'm paying for that.

And I'm sorry about that, I know it sucks.

And I'm taking it somewhere else

And I'm, you know, spirited.

And I've got you to thank for it.

And if Colin's losing his render,

And if he is actually still alive,

And if I don't get to Colin in time,

And if I have to build my entire new fucking Internet by myself,

And if the battle is inevitable,

And if this company lives or dies

And if you don't wanna be here,

And improve the security of your fridges.

And in all candor,

And in the time it took me to get back here,

And instead of taking a minority stake in their company,

And is almost ready to merge

And it comes standard on the new Tesla Roadster.

And it looks like I'm gonna have a panic attack,

And it might be the only way.

And it was predicted

And it won't cost us shit.

And it's "fewer" errors.

And it's a personal habit of mine to make things right.

And it's become too sticky.

And it's clear that they are the source

And it's not going away.

And it's official.

And just calling them "new" isn't sophisticated. That's theft.

And just say, "Hey, everybody, look what I created."

And keep her for himself,

And keeping the results completely confidential.

And last night you had the chance

And Laurie's not gonna be able to weigh in on this

And letting it run free on an experimental network

And liquidate it?

And listened to our conversations.

And lock out all the developers?

And look, I... I'm not a vain person.

And made me sign it,

And make it 90 minutes.

And more horses equals more manure.

And more people equals more horses,

And mother fucking Goddamn cryptocurrency.

And my dumb fucking housekeeper

And my two referrals fell through.

And navigate regulations.

And newly minted COO Jared Dunn.

And not an undercover cop.

And not the people who engineered this little miracle?

And now after everything that just happened,

And now everyone's laughing at you.

And now he makes apocalypse porn

And now that we're getting series B,

And now you come groveling to me for assistance?

And now, the CEO of Hooli,

And now, we are gaining almost 12,000 users an hour!

And obviously, that was a lie.

And only kind of like carrots.

And people don't wanna follow an idea,

And people here will call you brave.

And people like Gavin Belson

And per your text, he posted a well crafted cease and desist

And Pied Piper only wanted us

And pretend like nothing's wrong.

And reach an inflection point.

And returning her.

And Richard Branson snagged all the good islands.

And Richard...

And right now, for some reason,

And sell ice cream.

And series B is not a done deal.

And seven cents is less than that.

And she sent another one a minute after that.

And she sold them to Gigglybots

And she told me that she's afraid of magnets.

And she's gonna ask how hiring is going.

And she's worth a fortune.

And shove 'em down his throat,

And signing them onto our network.

And sit down at your fucking workstation,

And so are my guys if they don't get their caffeine,

And so I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna say what I think,

And some assistants and... and other staff.

And some of that might have been self preservational.

And soon, you will proudly be building

And Spam and hacking.

And start babbling.

And starting a family!

And stop acting like a couple of spoiled millionaires.

And suddenly, everyone's screaming regulations.

And supervised MDMA together

And support each other, we can crush him

And switches the boxes?

And tactically mass hired every single

And take control of this little shit's network.

And taking on a total engineering team of about,

And talented group of young web developers...

And technically, all the products he just named were money losers.

And tell me what the fuck is going on with our network.

And tell you that I have to leave now through the kitchen.

And that he's got one on his hand,

And that is the kind of leader these people wanna follow.

And that loser James Cameron's

And that's not the greatest miracle of all.

And that's when she crashed the system?

And that's why you jumped

And the complexion of Timothy Hutton,

And the eyes of Joni Mitchell.

And the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app.

And the honest truth is...

And the honey is the pizazz.

And the HooliPad Pro,

And the ideal version of myself

And the Internet, as we currently know it,

And the menu for Mr. Chow's in the other.

And the official executor of Mr. Bachman's estate.

And the rags smoldered and caught fire.

And the rest of you should, too. It is not...

And the series B paperwork is ready for you to sign.

And the server less runtime to the Sliceline guys.

And the Sliceline guys are separate,

And the staff to support them.

And the system goes dark.

And the thumb drive was in the pocket, so.

And then blaming it all on me

And then call an all hands.

And then Gigglybots sold them to SmashHub

And then have you arrested, and thrown in jail.

And then integrate her into our core services.

And then it occurred to me.

And then literally days after everything

And then pulled out right before it all came crashing down again.

And then there's you.

And then they texted some of the Optimoji guys,

And then two more over there

And then we'll conclude.

And then you matched my offer to acquire

And then, go teams.

And then, I like the "proud" part.

And then, that's when my fight or flight reflex kicked in.

And then, we'll BRB,

And then, you're gonna have an army of happy

And then..

And then...

And then...

And then...

And they all wanted to see it.

And they are well within their rights

And they bite you.

And they chase you down the street

And they don't really enforce the speed limit.

And they should be, I mean, look at all these...

And they traded hands a few more times,

And they worked up a little botnet program

And they're doing some really cool stuff.

And they're luxuriating here in this huge fucking palace

And they're making sure everything works flawlessly

And this is what's left.

And this may seem a little out there at first, but...

And to be honest, they're right. I'm an asshole.

And to say thank you.

And try and smooth things over for you,

And un fuck all the damage he did.

And update your system

And watching your interview over and over again,

And we all know that there are a lotta coders out there in this old town,

And we are signing them all onto the Pied Piper network?

And we believe that, in success,

And we can build it

And we can't use our place in Laos,

And we could go to any of 'em,

And we kinda owe them a solid.

And we should not let business get in the way of that.

And we'd be right up here.

And we'll give you enough severance

And we're looking forward to working with you.

And we've mutually agreed to endow certain things

And what about the dogs? They're people, too.

And what goes best with BattleBots?

And what if you call Dana from Quiver?

And when they do,

And when we waived our no dog policy...

And while he loves your tech,

And who is writing those articles?

And why Gavin Belson should be afraid of it.

And widen the spotlight!

And with 9,986 votes this,

And with her missing,

And worst case scenario,

And yelled out, "Bazinga!"

And yet...

And you alone will decide which one we walk, Gavin.

And you are the hairy Arab

And you brought her here?

And you can make me some tea?

And you can work with whomever you want.

And you can't make one fucking factory happen?

And you did it without having to fuck Gilfoyle over.

And you didn't think it was important to tell us this?

And you don't have to sell any ads

And you don't want it, you give it back.

And you have no connections to the Party?

And you just did both.

And you know what happens when I get drunk, Jeff?

And you know what I said?

And you know what?

And you know... You know what else, Richard?

And you only wanna bring along 12?

And you said yes?

And you said, "Okay."

And you wouldn't have to rely on a VC who once fired you

And you'll be behind the wheel

And you'll tell your guys about the nanoseconds?

And you're just a biz Dev guy.

And you're telling us that even if we want to,

And your future is the Box 2.

And your heavy metal friend?

And, look, who are we to judge, right?

And, Richard,

And, Richard, I think we should work together

And, uh, here's a good side effect though.

And, uh, thanks for the ice cream.

And, uh, the CEO of a company called the Gigglybots called.

And, uh, those, uh, 80,000 users you got there.

And, uh, well...

And, you know, I just want to make sure we're jibing with your vision.

And...

And...

And... and how long do we have

And... and I will sing it from the rooftops.

And... and make the box bigger, too.

And... and make the flag bigger?

And... and people will call you a pioneer.

And... set meetings.

And... so many... f... faces.

Another bidder came in with a better offer,

Another one of your inspirational,

Any decision we make, we will certainly make together.

Any one of these bourgeois new money millennial fucks

Any questions?

Any word from our mole at Pied Piper?

Anyway, call me back and we'll, uh,

Anyway, Colin from K Hole's on the phone

Anyway, I wanted you guys to meet,

Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious box is allowed to go to market,

Anyway, it was a mistake.

Anyway, look, uh...

Anyway, there might be some major VCs around here, so I gotta go mingle.

Anyway, uh, despite all our differences,

Anyway...

Apparently Ariel and I

Are actually a lot more tempted by bribes than you might think.

Are at this moment awaiting execution?

Are currently building, um,

Are listening to us!

Are the Ashton Kutchers, or the Adrian Greniers,

Are there any questions?

Are these right? How many quarters is this?

Are visited by thousands of people every year,

Are we bad people for leaving Richard there to work by himself?

Are we set?

Are we sure taking on all 30 of Kira's guys is the right move?

Are you a fucking moron?

Are you aware that the Sliceline guys

Are you done with... your chunk yet?

Are you familiar with the thought experiment

Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you going home? Let's... let's share an Uber.

Are you kidding me? Jared, you saved us.

Are you offering us a cost of living raise?

Are you prepared to be responsible

Are you still at Eklow?

Are you suggesting that

Are you sure?

Are you unhappy with something?

Are you?

Are... are people sitting back down, or..

Ariel and that robot could be anywhere.

Ariel Eklow?

Ariel fucked us too, remember?

Ariel was apprehended this morning

Ariel's pride and joy, Fiona, began to improve.

Ariel's right over there in the red shirt.

Aristotle defined sound money as being

Around your office like a nincompoop?

As a financially responsible man?

As a way to finance our new Internet company.

As equals.

As fast as possible.

As for the bezel design, our young aesthete, Dang,

As hard as they possibly can.

As he embarks on this new journey.

As I told you, this is new China.

As I understand,

As if the $30 million you were getting wasn't good enough,

As in Eklow Labs? The AI company?

As long as I own 10% of Pied Piper,

As long as we stick together,

As much as I hate to admit,

As normal interpersonal contact

As some kind of deity.

As soon as they become available.

As soon as they fall off the truck.

As we said, we're not well versed in..

As we usually do,

As well as

As well as free medical benefits.

As you make this big announcement?

As you see, we provide a series

As your supervisor, I wanted to inform you that there is a first aid kit,

Assholes.

Assholes. "Antiquated"?

At least a little bit.

At least give Dana the common courtesy

At least we still have the stallions.

At Optimoji, we had Stumptown brought in every day.

At some point, Laurie's gonna fuck you over

At this rate, half that.

At this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight,

At times, I find it difficult to tell what you're thinking.

Aviato car smells like a dead pig.

Aw, you got up early 'cause you thought you could take my space.

Aw. Bummer.

Baby steps, right? Where do you want me?

Bachman is the aggrieved party,

Bachman wrote this letter...

Back there, we test our compressor run capacitors

Banksy is a very edgy artist.

Banksy is insisting his signature be on his work.

Banksy, the vandal?

Based on its merits, I'll allow that one.

Beat me?

Because a pig is most like a fat human.

Because as of this morning,

Because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

Because despite being a very diverse

Because everyone else is done

Because he has 92 billion conventional dollars to protect?

Because her knuckles were gargantuan.

Because honestly, what kind of world is it

Because I can't afford a penny more than this

Because I don't want to work with anyone

Because I thought you were willing to take a chance

Because I told the engineers that if you thought you had won,

Because if you don't tell him...

Because it is our duty."

Because it is, essentially, the Olympic Village out there,

Because now I can be gay and a Christian.

Because now they know nothing is gonna stop you.

Because now, Laurie is on our side

Because of our ability to help build a decentralized Internet.

Because one person gets her scalp ripped off

Because Richard owns the patent for it

Because Teslas are good for the world.

Because that's what we'd be giving up.

Because the workers have unionized.

Because we're not snobs about it.

Because what we are doing is amazing, okay?

Because Yao has threatened

Because you guys won't agree on anyone.

Because you wanted them, and now they're just sitting here, empty,

Because you won't remote toggle anything!

Because, like, no closure

Because...

Because...

Becky, did you run connection throttling

Becky, I need you to rate limit enemy devices.

Been pretty low energy.

Before Laurie realizes I'm gone.

Before you can turn it around.

Being an exclusively gay site, do you?

Being in the three comma club has taught me, Richard,

Ben Burkhardt.

Ben might know a little better

Besides, I'm the only one who has the security privileges

Besides, Laurie doesn't work at Eklow.

Besides, this would help you out too, right?

Best of luck.

Between good champagne and bad champagne?

Between us...

Between your venture and Hooli.

Big Head is still legally Erlich's next of kin.

Big Head owns Erlich's house, and 10% of Pied Piper.

Big Head, this is great news.

Big mortgage.

Bitcoin is really volatile today

Bitcoin is very volatile.

Board seats and shares,

Board seats and shares,

Bombs away.

Boo yah!

Boom, we're off and running. How about that?

Boom! Get it? 'Cause you suck

Boom. It's great.

Boston Dynamics needs them overnighted.

Both our Optimoji and Sliceline teams

Bottle of champagne they have.

Bought by a venture fund in Mountain View.

Bream Hall gave you

Bream Hall's on the phone for you.

Bring the little guy in.

Built on a radically better technology that I now own

Bullshit.

Bummer.

Burning Man's in two weeks,

Business and compassion are not mutually exclusive.

But 2.4 million people

But a man only has so many game changing inventions in him.

But also not true.

But apparently, he left Oculus for Quiver

But as far as I can tell, the guy is not...

But as it happens,

But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier,

But because of cuts to the sanitation service,

But because the water was cut off, they could not.

But Ben says there isn't.

But can we adjust the proportions?

But do you think he's gonna change at all because of it?

But do you think in this instance,

But even if it's less,

But even if it's less,

But even then, he ended up saving the day

But fear not,

But Gavin would then know we are on to you,

But giving you public money on this scale would decimate our budget.

But government still won't give us license.

But he put poison pills in chicken meat

But he talked like a narcoleptic plantation owner,

But here is what I'm sure you'll be most interested in seeing.

But I bet I gained two B in wisdom.

But I can't afford not to pay it.

But I could find a dark corner to settle into.

But I could probably get that done in eight hours

But I don't blame them for that.

But I don't.

But I guess it's a lot less embarrassing

But I need you to think long and hard

But I suppose being abandoned by a role model

But I think I might invest in a modesty panel for your desk.

But I think in this case, you guys should.

But I want to move back into the house.

But I was hoping that one day,

But I... I think series B is the right call.

But I'm having one right now.

But I'm not.

But I'm sure we'd all like to hear what you would like to work on.

But if 51% were controlled

But if Amazon buys this company, I am out.

But if for some reason

But if you need blood, don't go to Gilfoyle

But if you wanna stick around and build this thing,

But if your mayor does his job,

But in light of the time and resources

But instead,

But is it possible that Warren Buffett

But it does. He showed me the demo.

But it is not a celebration.

But it provides an advantage.

But it seems like it's very important

But it wasn't until my flight home

But it wasn't you.

But it's hard to find a white body in China,

But it's not Hendricks' Internet.

But it's... It's super dumb.

But look what you're getting in return.

But look, I sent you

But my boys will find it.

But neither am I saying definitively that we will not.

But neither am I saying definitively that we will not.

But no longer... "friend."

But no one has stolen our software.

But no one wants to talk about the downside.

But not by a lot, right?

But not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

But now you're giving our resources to her.

But obviously not straight.

But on the new Internet of the future.

But once we launch to the world,

But only if you do it with me

But only if you do it with me.

But Optimoji has 30 people. We only need 12.

But our coin value is flat.

But our marketing department insisted.

But perhaps, Gavin has.

But Seppen had no idea that we broke in.

But since Gavin is holding off Yao, we can't lose either

But since I was all, you know, tucked up,

But some of them worked.

But some of them worked.

But somehow that monosyllabic moron

But sometimes I wish only I made money. You know?

But specifically, a gay one.

But still, it's an investment.

But that doesn't mean you're a bad person.

But that fucking Musk will already be there!