Brooklyn Nine-Nine - Season 1 Edit

A "vig." so cool.

A 34 year old caucasian male who is dead.

A 600% raise. Or...

A bunch of boring, responsible stuff, like...

A children's karate trophy.

A civilian complaint about you two?

A couple ideas for ya.

A course record? That is so cool.

A crap library.

A cup of coffee with me?

A dash of peeing with the door open."

A demon dog at the end of ghostbusters.

A distraction to you, Peralta.

A dollhouse in less than four hours.

A few gunshots, shoulder and chest.

A first date at all, because you've known each other

A fun safe house is a safe safe house

A group of armed men entered an embassy

A hero at the battle of scimitar hill,

A homeless cop.

A hot cup of tea Leone. Come on.

A hungry safe house is an unsafe safe house.

A job interview at major crimes.

A likely story, pontiac

A little gasoline... fah! A little match.

A little lower.

A little more pizzazz.

A little spoon there for you.

A lot of criminals are, strangely.

A lot of fat guy clothes have racist overtones.

A mafia thug pried both his kneecaps off

A man uses statistics and logic

A man who solved every crime, but one...

A matrix getup at home for some reason?

A mild mannered doorman gets bitten on the penis

A mr. Brain jensen here to see you, sir.

A new departmentally issued phone.

A new I.T. Director.

A new place.

A no nonsense detective whose only goal

A non violent option.

A number of death threats.

A p.I.? These guys are hacks.

A pact's a pact.

A pass on embarrassing me publicly.

A personal trainer, bouncer,

A picture of you on the subway platform

A poor winner. I never would've guessed.

A precinct's numbers almost always get worse

A proud...

A rose... for Rosa.

A safe house watching safe house

A safe house watching safe house

A selfie that I can never unsee,

A skootch of gingivitis

A useless, useless gift.

A virus got on the server

A wise, unsmiling man named Gerald Jimes

A year ago today, Peralta and I made a bet

A year ago, my wife and I had twin baby girls.

A young kevin costner type.

A zebra skin rug, and the toilet paper is, mm, triple ply.

A.K.A. Me, here at 10:00.

A'ight.

Aaaalll... right!

Aaahhh!

Aah, come on.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah. Oh! [Grunts]

Abnormal psychology.

About 25 years ago.

About an hour ago and also what moon cycle we're in?

About an hour ago and also what moon cycle we're in?

About badass New York cops in the '70s.

About being a washed up pencil pusher.

About eight years ago.

About Halloween are what make it great.

About her family.

About how Brooklyn detectives have changed

About how crazy you're acting,

About how you present yourself on the stand.

About how your shirts aren't tight enough probably.

About my financial situation,

About my life.

About one of my old cases.

About police work, and his answers had me in stitches.

About renting out the statue of liberty

About six months, so while I'm gone,

About that astronaut.

About that photo in your library

About the "guesome mude."

About the benefits of exercise

About the drug case were wrong,

About the nature and origin of my injury from my office

About the second burglary?

About the ten day forecast?

About the time I saw you wearing short shorts

About whether I "do my job right"

About you getting hurt.

About your disgusting body?

About your struggles? Give those back.

Absolutely, sir.

Absolutely, sir.

Accept your fate.

According to Boyle's email blast,

According to charles,

According to Charles's email blast,

According to the community center calendar,

According to your text, you were having

Account.

Actually not bad.

Actually, hilarious story.

Actually, I don't like pickles that much.

Actually, I was in a coma.

Actually, I've been given a direct order

Actually, ray and I met over the phone.

Actually, sometimes including sex.

Actually, teddy asked me to get dinner,

Actually, there is one thing.

Actually, there was an incident after that.

Actually, we can handle it on our own, ma'am.

Actually, with a body this size,

Actually, you're not going anywhere.

Adam Sandler? Yeah, that's right.

Add a little levity. I love that.

Add stuff. Embellish your asses off.

Adequate. But we needed a completed application

Admit that you would see that movie.

Adorable.

Affirmative, stone eagle.

After my wife fell into a coma... Motorcycle crash.

After organizing your emails

After the incident at the ceremony.

After today's shift, I'd like everyone

After we put the cuffs on this guy,

After you. Yes, sir.

Again, sarge, it's so good to see you.

Again.

Against the NYPD.

Agh!

Agh.

Agreed. Take care

Ah

Ah ha ha!

Ah, a human greeting, nicely done.

Ah, ah, ah.

Ah, and look, he brought us some wine.

Ah, Captain Holt.

Ah, Captain Holt. It is so nice to see you.

Ah, Captain. You're at my desk.

Ah, come on!

Ah, detectives, meet my husband, kevin.

Ah, don't worry,

Ah, eight hours.

Ah, hand cramp!

Ah, hello, vivian. Charles has something

Ah, I believe it's pronounced "antiques."

Ah, I hate that I'm so by the book.

Ah, interesting, classics.

Ah, it's just like...

Ah, joke's on you. I don't have a dentist.

Ah, maybe.

Ah, merry Christmas, chief.

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Terrino.

Ah, okay.

Ah, pepper relish on your arancini.

Ah, perfect. I've always wanted to come here.

Ah, samesies!

Ah, Santiago.

Ah, so expensive.

Ah, thank goodness you're here.

Ah, thank you, thank you!

Ah, thank you.

Ah, that was a good one.

Ah, there he is!

Ah, there they are. Kevin, let's greet our guests.

Ah, thong! Why are you wearing a thong?

Ah, very good eye.

Ah, voicemails. Well, that explains it.

Ah, welcome.

Ah, what happened? Am I dead?

Ah, yeah, that's really messed up.

Ah, yeah.

Ah, yeah. From before.

Ah, yes, I'm so happy you'll be there

Ah, yes.

Ah, you know me. I love working.

Ah, you must be Simon Walker.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah! [gasps]

Ah! Ah, spicy! Why is that spicy?

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ow!

Ah! Oh, that's so hot!

Ah! Ooh!

Ah! She smiled. She's smiling!

Ah! This is just like Christmas at my parents' house.

Ah! What'd you do that for?

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah. Commissioner Podolski.

Ah. Good morning, Captain.

Ah. So may I pour you

Ah. There it is.

Ah. Voila.

Ah. Whoa.

Ah. You know,

Ah...

Ah... [laughs]

Ah... [sighs]

Ah... ohh!

Ah... So many good quotes!

Aha!

Aha! The jacket.

Aha! Who's Haimes?

Aha. Mm hmm.

Ahem.

Ahh ah...

Ahh, I'm gonna just cash out.

Ahh, it's so sticky, but it feels so good.

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Hot coffee in my cast!

Ahhh!

Ahhh!

Aka "mission possible."

Al right, you'll take this one on the right,

Algernon.

All books and no magazines?

All consumed by my passionate love for you or whatever.

All day long.

All due respect, sir, it's how I was trained.

All fire marshals are doofuses,

All I have are my grandma's old klezmer records,

All I have to do is put my thumb on that thing,

All I know is my mind was so numb

All I remember about that article is the title.

All I'm saying is, it's open road again.

All in a day's work.

All men are at least 30% attracted to me.

All of it sounds good.

All of my breakups have been completely mutual.

All of the magazines are in the bathroom.

All of the magazines are in the bathroom.

All of this teasing, this elaborate date,

All of you broke into a crime scene

All of you, go home, immediately.

All part of my elaborate plan to defeat you.

All ri... I'm calling natural causes.

All right

All right

All right, all right, I was lying about the holdup.

All right, all right, my fingers are off the triggers.

All right, amigo.

All right, back to this plate

All right, Boyle.

All right, but for security reasons,

All right, but to be fair,

All right, challenge accepted.

All right, come to papa.

All right, convict.

All right, do whatever you want,

All right, everybody just calm down.

All right, everyone.

All right, everyone. I wanna make a toast.

All right, fine, but I'm taking Santiago with me.

All right, fine, darling.

All right, fine, I'll...

All right, fine.

All right, fine. Come here, buddy.

All right, fine. You know what?

All right, flute man, who else is in this apartment?

All right, focus up.

All right, Frank, let's recap, shall we?

All right, gang, diet day four.

All right, give me your hair dryer.

All right, got it.

All right, guys.

All right, hands in.

All right, here's how it went down.

All right, here's the plan.

All right, hit the pawn shops and canvass the neighborhood.

All right, Hitchcock, you're up.

All right, how about this? I will bet you

All right, huddle up, everybody.

All right, huddle up. This is how it's going down.

All right, I don't care

All right, I pushed it a little bit on that one.

All right, I see what you're trying to do,

All right, I will talk like a man.

All right, I'm gonna go cry.

All right, I'm gonna go talk to vivi

All right, I'm gonna go tell him.

All right, I'm gonna put you down for "bummer,"

All right, Isaac said the account book

All right, Isaac, thank you.

All right, it is possible

All right, it's worth the risk.

All right, just go home. Get out of here and regroup.

All right, lay out the steroids case.

All right, let me guess. You are dumpy Chuck Norris.

All right, let's aspirin up and roll out!

All right, let's get started.

All right, let's get started. Scully

All right, let's get this meeting started.

All right, let's go over our disguises.

All right, let's go! Updates. Santiago.

All right, let's go. Drinks are on me.

All right, let's move on

All right, let's prepare for the date tonight.

All right, listen up, everybody.

All right, listen up.

All right, listen up.

All right, look,

All right, look, every friday, I put cash

All right, no worries.

All right, pretty boy, where is it?

All right, Ratko, down. Drop the weapon.

All right, so here's all the pictures of Rosa

All right, so if we ignore all these fraudulent purchases

All right, so let's see that mole.

All right, so there's Hitchcock.

All right, so we grab the burner, catch the bandit,

All right, stepping in, stepping in.

All right, this is useless.

All right, time for night night, girls.

All right, we got him. Everyone suit up!

All right, we're all set for the sting.

All right, we're doing this.

All right, well, when there's nothing, there's nothing, you know? What can you...

All right, you all wait here.

All right, you got it? Ah... [chuckles]

All right, you want to hear it again?

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right. Calm down, calm down.

All right. Everyone's here.

All right. Here's what we're up to.

All right. It's time to catch some bad guys.

All right. None of you are any help.

All right. The linoleum awaits, my dear.

All right. We should set up a tactical team and hit the gym.

All right. You know what? Reschedule for tonight.

All right. Your turn, Boyle. Okay.

All right..

All talented detectives

All that was left was for the royal babies

All the buttons on the elevator.

All the girls were too big.

All the meals are pre planned and delivered to your doorstep.

All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.

All the pies from both places.

All the presents we bought him.

All the time, and he said I was great.

All the time.

All this cycling makes me feel like lance armstrong.

All three of us.

All you need is for a jury to like you.

All you win is a children's karate trophy, so...

All: Let's break that course record and... [jumbled speech]

All: She doesn't.

Almost makes me want to start

Almost never?

Almost sounds like he's talking about a swimming pool.

Already done, sir.

Already got him. We got him.

Also brandon jacoby should be here soon.

Also involved was the right honorable J... okay, enough.

Also remains unsolved...

Also work.

Also, "std" stands for "sexually transmitted disease."

Also, can't sleep without my whale songs.

Also, I'm innocent.

Also, I'm sorry

Also, I'm sorry for making fun of you during my book club.

Also, I'm sorry that I didn't take the time

Also, I've loaded all of my favorite karaoke backing tracks

Also, lavender scented candles,

Also, please stay out of the way

Also, she can get you amazing deals

Also, we just caught our man.

Also, who cares about all these rules?

Also, you remember that severed finger?

Also, you should buy nana's place.

Also, you should use less conditioner,

Also, your so called motivational speech

Although I did start a new category.

Although I would've gone with the whole,

Although I'm pretty sure I caught some form of face lice

Although that does sound amazing.

Although the jar is really hot.

Although they can't see us.

Although, I understand why you suspect me.

Always happen to the best people?

Always in the boxing area, and always late at night.

Always take the high road, Charles.

Always take the high road.

Am I asleep? Is this a dream?

Am I clear?

Am I getting ahead of myself?

Am I?

Amateur ballroom dancing competition.

Amateurs go tasting, they fill up,

Amen. There isn't?

America needs me.

Amy and I folded. You won.

Amy broke everything and got us kicked out of the bar.

Amy chose the restaurant

Amy paid me 50 bucks to trade places with her

Amy Santiago, date time.

Amy Santiago, you have made me

Amy Santiago.

Amy, check it out.

Amy, look. There is a guy out there

Amy, my patch tingles for you.

Amy, this is low, even for you.

Amy, you can have all of my open cases.

Amy, you studied art history.

Amy?

Amy.

Amy's boss. That's not true.

An 80% clearance rate,

An auction of Greek antiquities.

An effective use of your limited time.

An hour and 17 minutes ago.

An hour before the robbery.

An nypd course record for time.

An official civilian complaint with the captain.

An unlicensed cab driver's been picking up tourists.

And "B."

And a dog takes a dump on your face!

And a foot higher, I might never have walked again.

And a frequent customer gift basket

And a glass thingie to drink it out of.

And a Jamon Iberico ham, valued at... what!

And a native english speaker referred to captain holt

And a neck tattoo...

And a new course record.

And a one and a two and a...

And a solitary g****.

And a super weird soul patch,

And a very merry Christmas to you, Captain.

And admire and comment on every terrible aspect of this.

And after that swim, I might take another swim

And all I wanted was to be captain

And all the clothes were orange and flammable.

And all you wanted to do was play mind games with her.

And also for making fun of you behind your back.

And always make good eye contact.

And an officer has gotten stuck in a trash chute.

And an open cabinet.

And an openly gay man like me...

And another name for a hamper is...

And another round for everyone on me!

And another round for everyone, on me!

And apologized for wasting my time.

And apparently had sex with the dish rack.

And apparently, they won't stop

And arrested 30 guys for soliciting.

And arresting more perps, especially this last week.

And as a token of my appreciation,

And as you walked over here,

And assign me 20 fresh ones.

And assistant manager at petsmart.

And be my bestie.

And because cops are superstitious,

And become my "landlady."

And becomes the world's greatest lover.

And behind you is Captain Holt.

And broke her back.

And burn it to the ground.

And by that, of course I mean

And can I.D. The entire network of dealers.

And carrying a fake gun.

And Charles caught a dog.

And charles has eyes.

And completely bulldoze Charles.

And congratulations to you, captain,

And coworkers to increase efficiency?

And declared bankruptcy.

And definitely not the picture I meant to show you.

And depicts the classic Greek fable:

And disgusting in both of you.

And disrespected by the nypd.

And doesn't know how to use it...

And don't be afraid to smile.

And don't say money, because I know you're in debt

And dozens of voice mails.

And driving myself home.

And enjoy their Christmas.

And even if I did...

And even incapacitate a perp.

And every now and then, I smoke a cigarette."

And everybody blames it on jason kidd. Yes.

And everyone bring a bottle of wine.

And everyone calls you pineapples.

And everyone would call you the handsome bandit.

And everything you stand for, but...

And figured that in this gigantic electronics store,

And finally one last shiv fell from the ceiling and into your body.

And finally, it is my great pleasure

And for dessert, some seasonal gelatin cups.

And for each one, I have to fill out

And for the record,

And for the record, the inside of his body

And for the record...

And four very attractive options for your invitation card stock.

And frankly, I have no idea why you're getting involved.

And friends, like you.

And from now on, I'm gonna call you "the cheetah."

And fully dressed?

And get back to the worst date of your life.

And get himself punched.

And get my hands all over your organs.

And get revenge for ruining my life and everything.

And gets hair all over my computer.

And getting seriously injured.

And giving my murder away to The Vulture.

And go back far enough...

And go!

And go!

And got beaten up by a girls' volleyball team.

And guess what else, "Captain"?

And guess what?

And happy stomachs.

And have a real conversation with her?

And have one teste?

And have taken hostages.

And have you freak out again.

And haven't been to the men's room once.

And he clearly was. Chop chop, ted. Let's roll.

And he confessed.

And he doesn't bring home cop stories.

And he doesn't know what to do.

And he grabs something that's usually unflattering.

And he is obviously Miranda from Sex and the City.

And he is waiting for you.

And he keeps avoiding me like a guilty person,

And he needs it now more than ever.

And he officially claims you have been harassing him.

And he only stole diamonds, nothing over two carats.

And he runs it in.

And he said, "who cares what holt thinks?"

And he uses proper punctuation in texts.

And he wants to go out with you tonight.

And he would let you do literally anything you want

And he'd been eating yogurt earlier.

And he's grown up a heck of a lot since you got here.

And he's never been caught on camera.

And he's obsessed with this pizza place.

And he's scared like a little bitch.

And he's their leader.

And help powder that big white ass of yours.

And help us with the investigation.

And here he is again outside the jewelry store.

And here we go.

And here you are, handcuffed to a table,

And here's the file you wanted.

And here's the really cool part.

And here's what it says.

And his brooklyn based pizza blog?

And his ex wife's new boyfriend's apartment.

And his life is crap right now.

And his wax wings melted, and he died.

And honestly, they're only seventh in mouth feel.

And how do you know that?

And how long will that be?

And how was flirting part of the plan?

And how would you do that naturally?

And how you're blowing this beyond repair.

And how'd that work out for you?

And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely

And I am playing a character:

And I am so sure of that,

And I appreciate your turning down the relief team.

And I can eat whatever I want.

And I can kinda see your penis.

And I can see that by the absolutely no indicators

And I can tell they're pissed at me.

And I could be there in half an hour.

And I definitely don't think it's burning hot in here.

And I did.

And I do it right.

And I don't want it to happen to them.

And I don't want santiago to read my lips.

And I filled this out. I just need you to...

And I gave him the rest of the afternoon off

And I got it.

And I got you an oatmeal cookie?

And I had an inspiration

And I have a crime to report.

And I have a degree in numerology from the Internet.

And I have ten loose diner mints in my purse

And I hope that my relationship with this person

And I hope you die alone, and I never loved you."

And I intend to use it as a down payment on a mortgage.

And I kinda wish I hadn't said it,

And I know it can't 'cause you're with Teddy,

And I know just where to get a bundle of loose hair.

And I know peralta can be childish,

And I know peralta can be childish,

And I look forward to casting my vote

And I love selling drugs.

And I love the chantilly ecru paper for place cards.

And I made plans to go to the Berkshires with my boyfriend.

And I managed to get a hold of one sister Bernadette.

And I mean really lead it.

And I mean that, from the bottom of my...

And I need to talk to an officer of the law.

And I need you to trust me

And I need your help.

And I now see that that was your plan all along.

And I only ask for one thing in repayment.

And I promise it won't be weird at all.

And I quote,

And I regret telling you that.

And I regret telling you that.

And I said, real low, "hey, baby.

And I see the letter "L", "R", "S", "T", "W", "E",

And I spend the rest of my life with Holt

And I spent over an hour on fonts.

And I stepped on the... On my muffin!

And I still haven't quite figured out

And I tell her that all the time.

And I think it's cool to sell drugs.

And I thought it'd be easier for you

And I thought you'd have no problem breaking the rules

And I tried to help him, and he fully threw me under the bus.

And I voted for myself.

And I was good.

And I was like, "you want something to eat?"

And I wear that search like badge of honor.

And I will answer in due time

And I will be willing to put my life at risk for this man

And I will be your guest auctioneer this evening.

And I will tell you anything.

And I won't tell anyone here

And I would love to give them to you,

And I'd like to take her someplace special.

And I'll bet whatever,

And I'll prove it.

And I'll take the big one on the left.

And I'm a firefighter, but underneath all of it,

And I'm also going to put your phone number

And I'm anxious to restore my status as a lone wolf.

And I'm beating the hell out of him.

And I'm catching heat from the higher ups.

And I'm done. That's it.

And I'm excited to go.

And I'm glad that I still own this place

And I'm going undercover, and that's just how it is.

And I'm gonna break those little fingers.

And I'm gonna go full boyle and scare her off.

And I'm gonna solve it on my own.

And I'm happy to tell you why.

And I'm here because you think Sal did it

And I'm in a coma.

And I'm looking for a real estate opportunity.

And I'm never coming down.

And I'm not gonna just give up the presidency.

And I'm not gonna let you screw it up

And I'm not gonna screw it up.

And I'm not telling you what it is,

And I'm not the only one who thinks that.

And I'm not there to help out.

And I'm so excited to be here tonight

And I'm sorry I was such a bad number two.

And I'm sorry.

And I'm still not right.

And I'm telling you nicely, I'm printing them.

And I'm wearing shorts, there is no fly.

And I'm worried it's because I'm moving too fast.

And I've always considered movies a writer's medium

And I've read 15 books.

And I've totally read that.

And if all goes I will stamp this release form,

And if anyone can figure out

And if I see the lights on in here,

And if she's right about where we find the drugs,

And if something bad goes down, I think I'd be pissed at myself

And if you do, it won't be

And if you don't get your crap together,

And if you need to buy time, you can always just say,

And if you say another word,

And in cases of arson, the owner always did it.

And in conclusion, here we are.

And instead, you gave me an amazing life hack.

And it almost got filed with the wrong case.

And it just moved.

And it lands on a passing car.

And it opens up all my electric mails.

And it shows. I can't wait to meet kevin.

And it took a while for dispatch to find me

And it turns out there were a bunch of references

And it turns out you did six months in prison for a b&e.

And it turns out you've done this before.

And it was in couch mode.

And it was my first book report.

And it was not the first time.

And it's centered at a gym called brooklyn total body.

And it's gonna sound crazy, but it's important,

And it's just all a rich tapestry.

And it's kind of cool to visit a time before electricity was invented.

And it's not The Vulture's fault.

And it's perfect. The Podolski kid?

And it's the best pizza in the neighborhood.

And it's what I do.

And it's your turn to give me one?

And just be altogether good with it

And just the fact that you're willing

And keep interrogating jacoby for as many hours

And ladies' man

And lastly,

And leave a sign on your desk that says, "gone leavin'."

And left no evidence except this one charred finger

And let Boyle do his job.

And let New York's bravest handle it?

And let the detectives settle in?

And let you know I'll be running for president.

And lets me stay up as late as I want.

And letting me get my work done.

And look at that.

And look who he trains.

And loose hair.

And made everything a billion times worse.

And make sure that nobody is smoking there.

And make you my personal assistant,

And making this call is part of your job.

And McGintley wouldn't care if I was three minutes late