David Brent: Life on the Road Soundboard Edit

A bit Buble. A bit David Essex

A daily ritual is phoning around all the record companies,

A great night. They do it every month, you know

A proper loon. A dead bee

About a week ago

About halfway. Halfway- Come on

About time England won a World Cup, innit

Absolute- No

Accidents will happen

After show

Ah, all right

Ah, Mr Brent

Ah, Mr Brent

Ah, you'll see how sensitive I am to difference

Ah!

Ah! Thought so! You..

Ah..

Ah..

Air-conditioning, bunks

All aboard

ALL CHEER

ALL CHUCKLING

All good fun

All my mates were like, Oh, Brent, if she lost weight she'd be an absolute stunner

All right

All right then, I won't

All right, cheers. Bye

All right, Lionel- What you up to today- No

All right, Lionel, are you worried about AIDS

All right, Lionel, I'm just making some dinner

All right. Call when you get here

All right. Cheers

All right. Do I have to come

All right. Good

All toiletry needs, really

Also hotels, rider

Also, you might get in trouble

Although they are having the last laugh

Always hungry

Am I right

And a better warmed up crowd you play to

And a rep

And Brentertainment

And going to get A&R people along, get signed, put an album out

And he came over and said he wanted to manage me

And he can pop down. OK

And he didn't literally say it out loud, because his wife was there,

And he looked at me,

And he was shopping with his wife, holding hands with kids,

And he worked with basically nice people

And here he's not the boss, you know,

And how did it feel when people were just walking around, going,

And I always say, Yes, the handicapped

And I didn't want to piss off that crew

And I find him an irritant

And I found myself again, you know,

And I started to do what I do best, entertain

And I think for David especially, it's important to believe that

And I would have spent that money by now

And I'd say David is, sort of, the personification of..

And I'm sure he'd love to see me do well

And I'm thinking, What's she writing

And if I get signed, it's all been worth it

And it works with anything. It does. It does

And it's about time someone said something, so..

And it's his dad that's the white one

And it's mainly worse because the world's worse

And it's, um, a guaranteed crowd

And not because he's a black man

And not... Maybe people don't find him funny, but I do

And now I am going to spend it on rock 'n' roll

And now it's like some kind of Ebony and Ivory, urban sidekick deal

And now we've got to go and have a drink with him, you know

And one of the best soul singers that's ever lived

And saying, Oh, will you do a rap on this, do a rap on that

And she did lose weight

And she wasn't bubbly any more. Bit grumpy

And some of them are worth as much as I've put in now, so..

And Sting is cool

And tell them not to tell anyone I'm paying them to have a drink

And that was the whole point of doing this. 16 tickets sold

And that's in this. It's sort of a warning

And that's not fear. That's like, Let's do this

And the band have insisted I have my own dressing room, which is..

And the saddest of all...Mammogram

And then before I knew it, he was, like, doing his own songs

And then, like, eight bars of this. Yeah

And then, the ghost of Alexander O'Neal

And they're just half bottles, so it's not worth it

And we battle it out

And we got a massive whip-round going, and we, um, we got him a..

And we have to sit there with our instruments,

And we're... I've booked some gigs

And you could just drive to each gig

And you only got one point on Sausage or Pie

And you owe it to the world to do this. So..

And you're away

And, sort of, slaughtered them and enslaved them

And, uh, you know, am I a free willist- I'm a do-as-thou-willist

And, uh, you'll also learn why they don't like

And, um, and she wasn't a stunner, which was very disappointing

And...he does brighten up my day a little bit

Andy. We have got Mike and Steve. They're brothers

Another day, another dollar

Anyone want to go on early- We're not going on early

Anyway, so you're back, and you're giving it another go

Anyway..

Apparently, just wanted to stay somewhere cos her flat's being done, isn't it

Are we talking bunse- Well we're certainly not talking English

Are you available- Is it something you actually want to do

Are you hoping to change people's opinions of you this time

Are you nearly done

Are you sure you want a pun war with me

As long as I've got me woman, you know, you can do what you like, Lord

As soon as he's around women,

As the lead singer in the band Foregone Conclusion

At least I enjoy my music. Do you know what I mean

At least let me clean it for you. I said I didn't want to look,

Ate her way through the minibar. What

Awful name. I told them that. Yeah

Back in 2000 and..

Back on the phones then. Yeah

Back to back

Backing track at a Battle of the Bands

Ban it- Why- It's a drug, yeah

BAND MEMBERS LAUGHING

BAND PLAYING

BAND PLAYING

Basically, I say a manufacturer's name, and you tell me if it's a sausage or a pie

Battle of the Bands, innit

Because he doesn't have a record deal

Because he's a man

Because I need you to. Trust me, it'll be fun

Because I've secured an interview

Because it sounds like a dis, though. It's not a dis

Because it's just... It just puts me off my work

Because it's never been released, and it's never been released

Because originally I'm from Reading,

Because you can't ever guarantee

Because, uh, the Slough posse would be like, Oh, you traitor

Because...you just gotta hope and pray deep down

Being called Red Indians any more

Being educationally subnormal

Being made redundant, and the whole fame thing,

Bit of a cock-up

Black. Well, mixed race

Body, mind, and spirit. I've done that, so... I'm empowered now

Bollocks

Book a tour bus. Beautiful tour bus

BOTH IMITATING BLOWS LANDING

Break a leg, Pauline. It is just from you, is it

Brentmeister

Brings a little sparkle

Briony

But as I said, be aware... Hmm- I will

But as of now, this dude has not ****d anyone

But at first, life on the open road. It's in my blood, uh..

But at the same time, they know it's what I want and deserve

But at the same time, you know, you go where the money goes

But definitely gambling. Swings and roundabouts

But don't hold that against them. Mm-hm

But he doesn't really know the rules of the game

But he is now doing two years for 11 different counts of sexual assault

But I am sitting with one of the original docu-soap stars,

But I could see in his eyes, he was saying, Kill me

But I think people would accept him if he just was himself

But I turned it round, you know

But I'm going to use that time to create a buzz

But I'm not getting paid- No. No

But I've been winding up a record company and they're sending someone down

But if no-one's coming to the gigs..

But if you want to do some banter with them, like,

But is there anything you won't joke about

But it was nice to have a lie-in... Yeah. ..and have a lovely bath

But it's all like, Oh, what if you fail- Be prepared

But it's not better, it's worse. Why is it worse

But keep the drums sounding big though

But no that we're not... I wouldn't. Not with him

But their time is their own and, um, you're not paying for that. So..

But with... You know. Although some women do..

But you didn't. No. No

But you kinda know he's going to ruin it a little bit

But you know that was just you thinking that, don't you

But you pay people well,

But, as you know,

But, I mean, we're both just trying to make it, you know,

But, nah, not for me

But, uh, I'm not good... with needles or pain

But, uh, stars from reality TV shows,

But, um, he is the worst person, um, around women I think I've ever seen

But, um, they hadn't really weathered as well as me

But, you know, let them know there is a big buzz around Mr D Brent,

By a T-shirt gun. You know, let's not make a drama out of it

By pretending to be the manager of my own band

Bye

Bye-bye, nine to five

Bye. Bye

Call me a ****a. Please

Called Ain't No Trouble

Called Wernham Hogg. Yeah. That's right. Yeah

Can I have a look- Yeah

Can we get a bit of bass

Can we stay

Can you do cash- Yes

Can you fucking keep it down- Yeah. Can you keep it down

Can't get anyone along

Carrying shopping, papoose with a new baby in it

Cash in hand- Like this

CELL PHONE RINGING

CHANTING

Check it out. Listen

Checking all the sound and..

Checking in

Cheers

Cheers

Cheers, David. Thanks, man

Cheers, man

Cheers, man. Yeah

Cheers. Cheers, mate

Cheers. Cheers. Thank you

Cheers. Right

Chill out, dude. This is rock 'n' roll

Chocolate, champagne. Cheers

CHOMPING

Chris Martin's best friend is Jay-Z

Clever

Clever!

Come in

Come on

Come on, chop-chop. Yeah. Ah, whoo!

Come on, let's do some work now then

Come on. Yeah

Come on. You don't wanna do that

Come through. We're all in this together

Comedy, music, poetry, philosophy, whatever, you know

Cool, dudes

Cos he thought it would be better than the first time

Cos it's a student union

Cos they're probably not used to the big league,

CROWD GASP

Dan. My usual engineer

David Brent. Hello

David Brent. Oh, hi

David Brent. Shite Night

David is, he's onside

DAVID SIGHS

David- Can I have a word- Yeah

David, we're gonna need your card. Yeah

David... Go on

David's David, isn't he

David's idea of problem solving

Deep down he's supporting me,

Desk, mirror

Did he talk about what it was costing

Did he... No, he just said it's going to...keep going

Didn't care- No, because..

Didn't know it was karaoke

Do you

Do you do it- What

Do you drive- You know I do

Do you know any good photographers

Do you know what I'm saying- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah

Do you think they noticed- Yes

Do you wanna close it- Huh

Do you want something hot inside you

Do you want to be part of that- Drive the gang

Do you want to have a guess

Do you want to see it- Nah

Doesn't matter what band you've come to see

Doesn't matter. Two

Dom was meant to come on during Native American and didn't

Dom- Hmm- Bob Marley

Don't blame you

Don't do the voice. You gotta do the voice

Don't know what

Don't look alike, do they- The beard's different

Don't matter

Don't read anything into that. OK..

Don't say that

Don't tell the boys, I don't want to stress them,

Don't think you can get more dignified than a great warrior, so..

Don't you want to tell them- No

DOOR BUZZING

DOOR CREAKING

DOOR SLAMS

Double denim- Yeah

Double M. Think

Dreadful. Embarrassing

Drugs raid!

Each band gets along as many of their fans as they can

Easy, fella. Easy. Sonia, give us a hand. Haresh

ENGINE STARTING

Er, ballooned up to about 16 stone at one point

Er, Japanese

Er, so my last day is next Friday

Er..

Especially if it is something like the Arctic Monkeys or..

Even if I get signed, I'm going to pop in. But..

Even more different. Her face

Every single lyric. Every single lyric

Everyone

Everything in this song is factually accurate

Except, you know, he's white and old and his music is terrible

Excuse me. Can we have the bill, please

Failure is not an option. Well, it is, David, isn't it

Fancy something hot inside you- Chance'd be a fine thing

First gig, Monday

First of all, let's get you noticed

Flippin' hell. Come here

For a drink- No need

For f... We, uh..

For me to make my demos, which was cool. And then,

For us, it's just, you know, we're out, and we're getting paid, and we're playing

Foregone Conclusion, Mark II

Frank Sinatra had Sammy Davis, Jr

Fray Bentos- Pie

From that

From that

From the Chinaman's perspective, at last, I flipped it

Fuck know... Fuck nose

Fuck knows

Fuck me

Fuck's sake, David. Well, I didn't do it, did I

Fucking hell. How old is he- About 12

Fundamentally, that's the main problem

Funny noise, funny organs

Gambling, prostitution, probably. I don't know

Get a cab then. I'll pay you back when you get here

Get that down you

Get the record companies down, get signed

Gets worse when you get older and then you get that sort of smell

Gives me the creeps to be honest..

Glad I said it didn't matter before I found out,

Go on

Go on. Have a look. No, no, no. Just do it

God

God, let's get it out the sleeve

Going off on tour

Good idea, in a way

Good, innit

Got a few more...gigs to book in

Got fit

Got one character called Lionel Fancy

Got some good players. They need to be managed, though

Great bunch of kids

Great, go to bed. Jesus

Guitar solo

GUITAR STRUMMING

Half the time we don't get through

Half the time, they're not there

Hang on, Alexander O'Neal isn't even dead, is he

Happiest I've been, probably, doing these sessions with a professional

Has he been telling everyone I got off with a bird last night

Have a good one

Have a nice time

Have I been on what- Wikipedia

Have some water

Have you been on Wikipedia

Have you had the dream again- No

Have you not eaten- Not since dinner

He can't drum any more. His back's gone

HE CLEARS THROAT

HE CLICKS TONGUE

HE CONTINUES CHANTING

HE GROANS

He hasn't any... Not yet, anyway

HE IMITATES GUITAR

He just has me rapping about a lot of weird shit, you know,

He might try to be funny,

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SWITCHES DRYER ON AND OFF

He thought we hadn't done anything,

He went down. Tried to style it out

He'd be far better off, you know, having a couple of weeks in Marbella

He's a mentalist

He's basically an invalid now

He's excited. Going to tell the band

He's excruciating, uh, on stage and off

He's fripped it

He's going to help me, um, showcase some of my comedy characters

He's good. Ooh, from the horse's mouth

He's great when he's out with the clients. They love him, but..

He's just... He's a lovely bloke. I think he's brilliant

He's like the boy that owns the football

He's married now with four kids. Look at him there

He's not in it. He's just, you know..

He's on painkillers and physio, permanently, you know

He's only having a laugh. Look at him

He's out selling. Is he

Hello- Battersea Home for Retired Penguins. Maurice speaking

Hello- David

Hello, I'm David Brent

Hello, Lavichem

Hello. Oh..

Hello. Why do you talk to people like that

Hence, they're going to be happy for me. So, mixed emotions

Here they are. The rabble

Here they come. Come on in

Here we go

Here we go

Here we go again

Here we go!

Here we go. Playing hardball. Yeah

Here we go. Yeah. Come on, party

Here. I'm down here

Here's the band. Foregone Conclusion, Mark II

Here's the boss

Herro, my name's Ho Lee Fuk

Hey

Hey

Hey, David, you can't say that. You are

Hi, Sandra

Hi. Hi, David

Hi. Should be on the list for Foregone Conclusion

Him- Yeah

His catchphrase is, Chance'd be a fine thing

His dad was black, his mum was white. Get over it

His nickname is from the fact that he'd always turn up

His uncle didn't start till he was 40, which is weird

Hiya

Hiya. All right

Hiya. Hiya

Hiya. Hiya

Hiya. Right, OK

Ho Lee Fuk. Yeah

Hopefully I'll get a solid three-week block

HORN HONKS Keep the fucking noise down

Hotel

How are you spelling comin'- C-U-M-I-N

How are you- Brilliant. Never felt better

How many people did we get

I am following my dream

I am, a bit. HORN HONKING

I beat 'em here easy. The old Insignia

I bumped into him in Reading, down the Oracle

I can say it, maybe. You can't say it

I can't do anything right

I can't stand him

I could do one of my tracks. In that

I couldn't. Why not

I did try and get the old crew back together,

I didn't know it was a question. I thought it was..

I didn't really know whether to laugh or cry

I don't care about that shit!

I don't know what to do with him

I don't think all this is good for him

I don't think any of us could have predicted..

I don't think there's any real racism on David's part

I don't think they pay tax, do they

I fell over. Yeah, I know

I first met David,

I get inside your head

I got a minibar and it's..

I got one character called Ho Lee Fuk

I got one, uh, character called Dopey O'Leary. An Irishman

I guess like with most session musicians, you get, like, a call..

I had a nervous breakdown

I have to book the hotels

I haven't even time to change into my stage gear

I haven't got any clean pants. Huh

I just think he just doesn't quite get it, does he

I know how that looks

I know in your little documentary thing

I know, but we want a crowd, don't we- All right

I know. I'm saying get him in, get him up front. Let's get some goals

I let her keep the T-shirt, so..

I like it here

I like making people feel, more importantly

I like making people laugh

I like vinyl. I like vinyl

I love being backstage

I love making demos. I do it a lot, you know

I love puns. Highest form of wit in my opinion

I love sound checks

I managed to get one of them to bite

I mean, in some ways we're very alike

I mean, it's awkward

I mean, normally I have to shut my door when I hear him,

I mean, she's slightly overweight and likes apple pie

I mean, the rapper's all right, but..

I mean, wasting his holiday in trying to be a pop star

I mean, you think it's painful to watch

I never double denim. Always double denim

I never dreamt he'd be on that much

I never really gave up that dream, if I'm being honest

I practice the ancient medical art

I prefer it out here with the troops because we have a laugh

I prefer my songs to be factually accurate

I said I didn't want to look, didn't I- All right

I said, Sure, but let's do it big

I spent a little bit of time in a... a facility

I still think there's some mouthwash if you..

I think he's only doing it

I think I'm going to go and..

I think she'd left it a bit late in life and lost it way too quickly

I think they're thinking of me

I thought he'd be good at this. No, it's just that it's not..

I thought you said I shouldn't tell the band

I took out a lot of private pensions in the '90s, you know

I try to incorporate all my influences there, really

I used to have my own office. Better than that, in a way

I was dreaming it. Well, either way,

I was gonna have Slough, um, but that didn't tell the whole story

I was just in a meeting with, uh, Miriam. It's, uh, my black friend

I was rapping in this open mic thing in a pub in Slough

I was the head of that family. A lot more emotional for everyone

I was worried about this tour, he admits

I went out with a very big lady

I work for Lavichem

I'd do it with a black woman, for example

I'd given up

I'd like to see you live. Ooh, don't know

I'll double it

I'll get a plaster on that

I'll get people to come to the gig

I'll get to work on it, promoting it

I'll pay someone to get people to come to the gig. I will... PR

I'll send a cheque over

I'll... Snack, yeah. I'll clean that up

I'm coming

I'm currently a singer-songwriter, so..

I'm depressed. Oh, what's up

I'm going to make them change it. Don't worry about that

I'm gonna wait outside. See you later

I'm in the marketplace, so to speak. You know, young, free and single

I'm just not... not 100% sure what his it is

I'm just standing around at the side of the stage

I'm looking forward to the next gig, actually,

I'm no Lothario, believe me,

I'm not doing that any more... I'll tell you what

I'm not even a Native American

I'm not gonna do that. Call me a ****a

I'm not in that one. He's not in this one

I'm not weird-looking. You're the weird-looking one

I'm off now, David. See you later. Yeah

I'm one of the lads

I'm only actually used, when you check it,

I'm running out of money and I'm running out of time

I'm so fed up. Come on, mate

I'm sorry, lads. It's a complete joke

I'm sorry... Where did you get him from

I'm sort of my own boss, but we're all equal, so anything goes

I'm spending three weeks of my life on tour with this guy

I'm starting to regret having taken this on

I'm sure you didn't mean to cause offence, David

I'm the artist and the manager

I'm thinking of spending more money cos it's so worth it

I'm trying to fucking work, babe. Don't care

I'm up and down the country all the time, you know

I've been out with all sorts of girls

I've been putting all the gigs in, you know

I've booked a session today in a top-notch recording studio

I've given you a lift home several times

I've got one, too

I've just played here. I'm in a band

I've only got four days actual holiday leave left,

If I don't get signed now..

If my headspace is right, then the performance is better

If not, I'll have a day off

If they saw me at the weekend, they'd blow a fuse

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

If you tell the band I got off with a bird..

If you were consenting and above legal age,

Image. Yeah. Sex

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS

Inside and out

INSTRUMENTS PLAYING

Ipso facto, anyone on his team

Is he OK- No, a bit low

Is he really out selling- Yeah

Is he really- Yeah

Is he- Yeah

Is it a fact, though- It's an artist's opinion

Is it Capital... Tadley FM

Is it- Yeah, I'm always going on about it

Is just to throw more money at it

Is Nigel out selling

Is Sting cool- No

Is that a woman- Course it's a woman

Is that it- Yeah

It can be arranged. Oh

It gives me an idea of what I could do, and that's the buzz

It goes,

It is hot

It is painful. It is painful

It not only gives the record company an idea of what I can do

It started off he was kind of managing me and, um, he was paying

It was a bit like The Call Centre, and you were a Neville of its day

It was Luther Vandross, not Alexander, who is dead,

It was mine, so..

It wasn't their head on a piece of dog shit, was it

It won't fit her

It'll cost you if you want a real one

It's a bit annoying. It eats up the budget

It's a bit new romantic but modern

It's a credit... It's not..

It's a good job I'm always sort of dressed for rock, innit

It's a new job description, innit

It's a sausage. Sorry. The clue was in the title, mate

It's about... It's the whole package with me

It's all here

It's all here

It's all social media, isn't it

It's bizarre

It's daft

It's dog eat dog

It's exciting, really, for him

It's for that little guy there

It's from Rocky, mate. It's from Rocky

It's good that we've found each other

It's good, innit

It's great. Yeah

It's his ball, right- So you have to... You can't play without him

It's how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward

It's important. You off

It's just my mate

It's just not gangsta

It's just rude. Just go and ask them. Let's have a drink tonight

It's just..

It's like a little squat thing with that fat little throat and that

It's like a party on wheels

It's like a wall of Jenga that just... It just crumbles

It's like having a 15-year-old kid in the office, you know

It's like he can't relax, you know, and that's all he needs to do

It's like seven or eight random gigs over a three-week period

It's not a competition. You know, we could all get signed

It's not a lot right now, but, you know,

It's not like they're coming on to a married man

It's not really a tour, though, is it- Well..

It's on. Ooh. Yeah

It's our reputation, innit. That's the problem

It's the only reason I'm here- Yeah

It's their big Saturday night

It's through the eyes of an old Rasta

It's what the dreads in UB40 have been going through for 30 years

It's willpower, um..

It's, you know, where we're both from

It's... So, yeah

Jack

Jane, hello

Jezza. Sorry, mate, I'm talking, what- Just biggin' you up

Juice

Just a bit of weed

Just can't believe it

Just chocolate and crisps and nuts..

Just close the door. Yeah

Just do the songs, David

Just don't describe her. OK- Don't be specific..

Just getting some cash out to go to a club

Just how mental he is

Just say something to me

Just saying... Nothing happened. She slept in that bed. Didn't you

Just see if you like it. I will like it

Just trying to get one of them to come down and see you live

Just want to sit down

Just writing a song about the, uh, plight of the Native American, so..

Just, shh, OK... Call me a ****a. Shh!

Just... I'm just saying, just finish it, and let's, um..

Just...have a..

Keep selling. Where's Nigel

Keep the fucking noise down, you silly cunt

Keep the noise down!

Keeping an eye on us is, uh, head of sales, Andy Chapman

KNOCKING

Lady across the road from me has got a red Honda

Let's book a string of gigs

Let's do it. Let's rock

Let's get on there and win over the other bands' fans

Let's get this party started. Now..

Let's go and say hello

Let's just not... I've been trying to say..

Let's play a record. Let's get it out

Let's rock

Let's rock

Let's see all the bands, yeah

Life and soul of the party. And he knew how to party

Like I made the poster

Like me, not a corporate stuffed shirt

Likewise, I didn't want to have Reading

Likkle bit of herb, innit

Little bit of trivia, though

Look at that

Look at this

Look, aren't my plums a bit red, Doctor

Look, Nigel, don't start playing with all that crap

Look. He's already at work. I gave him the gig

Lovely Serena again. The one that plays hard to get

Luther Vandross. Oh, OK

Make some big bucks, get a fancy crib,

Makes me laugh anyway. I know most people don't get him..

Mammogram's nephew I was telling you about

Mammogram's nephew, Stu Monkford

Maracas. These are my knackers, more like

Martial arts- No

Maybe cos I'm there, he wants to play up to it

Maybe get inside your heart

Me knackers. Hmm

Mm-hm. Can I ask you a question- Go on

Mm,

Mm, who could that be

Mm. Dear

Mm. Nightmare, aren't they

Mmm

Mmm, beautiful eyes

Mmm, lovely. Bubbly

MO GROANS

Morning. Made you a coffee

Most people don't get me, but he does. So it's nice

MUSIC- Fashion by David Bowie

My dad was white. My mum was black. Oh

My favourite

My flexible friend

My good deed for the... £200 good deed

My last week, next week. Then I'm off

My mum used to say there's someone out there for everyone

My problem is I'm literally all power

My ugly mug

Nah, turn it up

Native Americans love to be called animals

Next week, yeah. See you later

Nigel gets it cos he's a bit cooler,

No

No

No more lugging round me albums

No point in playing to the converted all the time

No- Cheers. See you later

No-one knows

No-one's come through to see the first band on

No-one's coming to the gigs

No, because a lot of people thought it was very entertaining..

No, he meant it metaphorically in the movie, so..

No, he's good

No, I just thought... When I said it, I thought of..

No, I know. I don't want to, you know, worry 'em,

No, I was just saying

No, I'll buy

No, I'm all right. What is it

No, it doesn't, actually

No, it's all about how the white man went

No, it's right that the lead singer gets his own vehicle

No, no. Come on. We'll finish it up. No, no, no

No, that was then, this is now

No, that's it. No, we're not going to finish it up

No, that's wrong. I gotta take your first answer. It's actually..