Wedding Crashers (2005) Edit

A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons...

A friend in need is a pest.

A little pigskin, why not?

A little strange?

A sailor?

A time to break down and a time to build up.

About how you left me high and dry to get my ass kicked by Sack again?

According to Mr. Schopenhauer, they are.

Actually, it would be a really nice bike ride.

Actually, Todd is an amazing painter.

After all, someone has to pay for the lap dances for the big guy here.

Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know, I have this damn competitive streak, um.

Ah!

Ahh! I'm hang gliding! Honey, take a good picture I'm dead!

All I wanted was a second alone so I could try to explain things.

All right, because I think I'm I think I might get vulnerable again.

All right, I like my odds here. I'm gonna give you a little warning:

All right, let's go, let's go, let's make a memory!

All right, look, I wanted to come by here...

All right, partner. We'll start scheming tonight, okay?

All right, push it. Push it this way.

All right, that's beautiful. Done. Done.

All right, will you save me a dance for later?

All we can do is...

All we're trying to say is...

Although we may choose whom we marry...

Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough?

And as we carry on the tradition of thousands of years...

And before you know it, you're living a life that you didn't set out to...

And guess what. We've rocked them all.

And have some Latin guy sweating all over you...

And I don't mean to pry.

And I pick up this little sea otter...

And I realized we're all gonna lose the people we love.

And I see this widow and she's a wreck.

And I think it's something to be valued.

And I will definitely call you back later then.

And I'll tell you something, I thought I was too.

And I'm just really happy that my big sister's found it.

And I'm not picking on love...

And I'm sorry I called you white trash. I didn't

And I'm sorry that you had to find out this way.

And it was childish, it was juvenile

And let's be honest here, okay?

And maybe take a walk.

And maybe take a walk.

And now a reading from Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.

And now for our next reading, I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria...

And now I pronounce you husband and wife.

And now it's the state's only self sustaining scallop farm.

And pathetic.

And perhaps play a little game called Just the Tip.

And so, after my ninth stint in rehab, um, Craig....

And some poetry, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.

And take care of him, okay? I want you to get my little angel up and running.

And that ain't normal. There's something odd in that.

And that I'm one with everyone.

And that my cheek...

And that my lips....

And that person that you met back at your folks' place, that was really me.

And the oil's The oil's flapping, he goes:

And then everyone said, Jabroni!

And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew...

And then you get caught up in it and you get kind of into it...

And then, of course, you can challenge the Klingons...

And you wanna know what? I dig it.

And you wanna know what? I dig it. It turns me on.

And you? Don't you wanna get inside Chastity...

And, uh, I thank God every day...

Anyway, once Claire and Sack tie the knot...

Are my lips.

Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them?

Are you kidding me? How could you not have a good time?

Are you kidding me? I thought it was great.

Are you kidding? That was so funny.

Are you okay? Get up, buddy.

Are you okay? I'm gonna need 1 00 percent of Jeremy and you're looking a little weird.

Are you ready? Are you ready for some football?

Articles on Secretary Cleary's economic policies.

As you all know, Craig and Christina...

As you all know, my sister and Craig are both lawyers...

At the Buckner nuptials you were sitting and sulking in the corner.

Aunt Liz sends her best. She couldn't make it.

Baby...

Beautiful!

Because I can't go, because I have a schedule. Because I have

Because I've fallen for you.

Because the person I love the most is standing right here...

Because you're not athletic enough to stay on your two feet?

Been sober now for eight months.

Big tree fall hard, right?

Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, now, who are we this time?

Blitz!

Blue 1 7! Red 7!

Boom, I gotcha.

Booyah!

BOTH: Mazel tov!

Bring it in for the real thing.

Buddy, for your own good, you gotta let this thing go.

Buddy, you know I love you, and I hate to see you like this...

Business was good.

But all I've seen him do...

But have a little of the sacrament here.

But I got us covered.

But I got us covered.

But I was looking to take advantage of something too.

But I've never gotten that chance.

But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

But not me, not right now.

But starboard's this way.

But thank you so much for your kindness, brother.

But that sounds terrific. That sounds unbelievable.

But that'll all change when we're married.

But that's not the only thing they have in common. Um....

But the bachelor party, of course, rocked.

But this is crazy, because I don't know any

But this is her decision.

But this is not a fant

But you know what? It also led me to you.

But you're like, Well, fuck it, she's so old, and she's not gonna change now.

But....

Can I say yes?

Can I tell you something without you getting angry?

Can you just give me one minute?

Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.

Can't wait for tomorrow, when I got energy and I can share stuff.

Can't walk away from the delicious food that we got here.

Carrot Top.

Carry you?

Chazz, I think I'm okay. I had a bite right before I came over.

Chazz, I'm sorry, I don't

Chazz, there's someone here to see you!

CHAZZ: Hey, babe, yeah.

CHRISTINA: ...your starboard and your port.

CHRISTINA: I, Christina, take you, Craig...

Christmas come early.

Claire and I are getting married.

Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart? A couple years?

Claire bear, you never told me.

Claire, baby, could you go back up on the altar so we can have a wedding?

Claire, come on. Come on. Come on, come on, it's okay.

Claire, get your fucking ass on that altar right now!

Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me.

Claire, they crash weddings.

Claire, will you wait just a second?

CLAIRE: Actually, Sack got the governor to subsidize part of the project.

CLAIRE: Are you running away from me?

CLAIRE: Honey, are you okay? SACK: Oh, yeah.

CLAIRE: I'm open, I'm open!

CLAIRE: Is that true? No, well, it's Not entirely.

CLAIRE: John. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

CLAIRE: Oh, he's still not feeling very well.

CLAIRE: Oh, no.

CLAIRE: Over here! Me, me, me!

CLAIRE: Sack, what are you doing? SACK: Remembering yet?

CLAIRE: Thank you.

CLAIRE: Wait, wait, wait, wait.

CLAIRE: What? You didn't approve of that? Let me get settled before you go.

CLAIRE: Yeah? There you are.

CLAIRE: Yes or no?

CLAIRE: You don't sound very enthused.

CLAIRE: You totally saved me. No.

Claire! Claire, get up on that altar right now.

Claire? She's, you know, whatever, I don't know.

Claire.

Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.

Class, class, class.

Class, first class all the way. You were not lying.

CLEARY: Claire?

CLEARY: Franklin! What a great guy.

CLEARY: Great. Don't forget to stretch, guys.

CLEARY: John, my boy.

CLEARY: John, my boy. Yes?

CLEARY: John, you seem like an astute man. JOHN: Thank you.

CLEARY: Mommy, let's not go there again.

CLEARY: Well, then, we'll sail without him.

CLEARY: Where's that coming from? You hear that?

CLEARY: Where's that coming from? You hear that?

Clothes fit.

Come back with some more stuff. That's good, though.

Come here, brother. Give me a hug.

Come on up here.

Come on, get up.

Come on, stop milking it. You make us look like a bunch of pussies.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

Come on. Claire.

Come on. Come on.

Congratulations, Chris.

Consider it done.

Could be fun.

Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?

Could you pop the syrup for me? Just as a top off?

Craig was the only one who still believed in me.

CRAIG: I, Craig...

Dad, this is marriage.

Damn it! Damn you!

Damn you, Roger!

Damn! Sluts.

Death, you are my bitch lover!

Deborah I've actually known for her entire life.

Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger?

Did you say something, Todd?

Do you ever pull on yourself or...?

Do you kiss them on the lips? Or don't kiss them at all?

Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?

Do you mind if I get married now?

Do you remember that private detective we used...

Do you want full speed or half speed?

Do you? Do you, kid? Why don't you go get me a 7 Up, okay?

Doctor.

Does anyone know what this here is used for?

Does that get tough sometimes?

Doesn't sound that great. That sounds horrible.

Don't ask your dad. Don't ask your

Don't do this for the other person.

Don't quote the rules to me, I know them.

Don't say thank you.

Don't worry about me. Pretend I'm not here.

Don't worry, he won't say anything.

Don't you worry, Gloria. Mum's the word.

Double or nothing, Colossians 3: 1 2.

Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.

Dude died in a hang gliding accident. What an idiot!

Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think you're gonna be able to get away...

Erroneous! Erroneous. Erroneous on both counts.

Even one thing befalleth...

Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way.

Every advantage in life, advantages I never had.

Every time I look over, you're on your ass again.

Everything okay in here? I thought I heard something.

Everything that they have told us is a complete fabrication.

Everything's ready for the quail hunt!

Exactly. I'm gonna go.

Excited to be here.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna take this. Sorry, thanks. Thanks.

Fair enough.

Families coming together. That's a nice moment.

Far from it.

Ferry leaves in 25 minutes. We gotta get out of here.

Final touch. There it is.

For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings.

For the past couple months you've been a ghost.

Forty two, 30 teen.

From everything you told me about him, he sounds like a kook.

Fujimora wedding, 3 p.m.

Full. Oh, ha, ha, wow.

Gentlemen, everything okay?

Get him all patched up?

Get in the fucking closet right now. You go get in the closet!

Get it?

Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on you.

Get out there and get some strange ass.

Get the frostings in the middle and the end.

Gets her involved. You think you can do that?

Give me a shout

Give me your hands.

Gloria bug.

Gloria, come on!

Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not what I've been saying to you.

Gloria, I think I gotta go get some fresh air.

Gloria, please. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.

GLORIA: Baba ganou!

GLORIA: Come on, baby.

GLORIA: Go, Jeremy!

GLORIA: Hey, honey! I'm over here!

GLORIA: Oh, hi. Yeah.

GLORIA: So you dove into the icy water?

Go on, take it, you hyena.

God knows what happened to the kitten you got her.

God, I miss you.

God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.

Goddamn it, why didn't you say so?

Goddamn it.

Goddamn you.

Good news travels fast.

Good. Good. More for me and you.

Got a fucking problem with that?

Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal.

Grandma, you can't talk like that, okay? It's not right.

Great day.

Great guy. He brung me along too.

Great question, love where your head's at, and two of them actually are.

Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork and we are done.

Grief is nature's most powerful aphrodisiac.

Guys, the real enemy here is the institution of marriage.

Half of these people are here because of my dad.

Happy birthday.

Harry Potter, if he existed.

Has to have what she wants when she wants it.

Hat in hand.

Have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free...

Have you checked on Sack? I think he's pretty sick.

Have you even shot one of these things before?

He also might be a genius, because it actually does work. He's cleaning up.

He can have the miles.

He can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident.

He doesn't like me. He's the secretary of the treasury.

He had the same advantages I had, which is a hell of a lot of advantages.

He is a brave and a decent man. He is a pioneer.

He lived with his mother till he was 40. She tried to poison his oatmeal.

He thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

He's back.

He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.

He's in time out. He's in time out.

He's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.

He's the best man.

Heavenly Father...

Hell of a season, pal.

Hello, Red.

Hello, son.

Her boyfriend just died.

Here's my number. If there is anything I can do to help....

Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey. Fifth row back with the fancy hat.

Hey, Janice. Great talk.

Hey, Jeremy, Red Moon Dog 7 11.

Hey, John, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me.

Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.

Hey, man, listen, I, uh, got

Hey, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be waiting to say, I told you so.

Hey, Mom! The meatloaf!

Hey, Sack, how long have you and Claire been seeing each other?

Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!

Hey, you're the Sack. She'll come to you.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Shout!

Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Baba ganoush.

Hi, Todd.

Hi.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

Hi. You're good.

Hillbilly.

Hillbilly.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.

Hold it. This is getting confusing.

Hold on, man.

Homo things.

Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.

Hot.

How is everybody?

How long you been sneaking around with Gloria behind my back?

How many fingers I got up? Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?

How many times are you gonna do this shit?

How? She thinks you're deaf.

How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?

Huge dyke. A real rug muncher.

Hurry, because I'm gonna time you. Go!

Hut one! Hut two!

I Look, I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry.

I You know, we've just been talking so much about the future lately...

I ain't gonna fight you.

I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize.

I always knew my first time would be on a beach.

I am so ready to take it to the next level too.

I am.

I am.

I bought them from an organic scallop farm right off the coast of Nattachoke.

I call the painting Celebration.

I can do it myself, asshole.

I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.

I can't believe that they're getting married.

I can't find you, and now I come to you with an idea...

I can't marry you.

I can't stop thinking about you.

I can't take this fucking shit anymore.

I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that, man.

I care about her a lot.

I crashed weddings to meet girls.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John. I'm fried.

I dig talking with you. You're an enlightened cat...

I disagree. Now, look, they're having the engagement party...

I do. Five generations of Lodge family breeding.

I don't What is hot route?

I don't believe this.

I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.

I don't give a baker's fuck.

I don't know about you people, but I'm in pain.

I don't know what got into me, secretary, I just

I don't know what's getting into me today, guys.

I don't know.

I don't know. I thought the season was over.

I don't think you appreciate the urgency.

I don't wanna do it. I can beat this guy. Let's be honorable for once.

I don't wanna say sleazy, because that's not the right word...

I don't want to get into what happened last night.

I don't want to play. Get in the closet.

I feel so much like giving up.

I feel totally ridiculous. It's like, why do I have to be in camouflage?

I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused last night.

I got us down for 1 7 of them already.

I gotta be honest, I come in, it's like A little like I'm trying to get my bearings.

I gotta get out of here, pronto.

I gotta go.

I gotta see you right away, it's important.

I guess it is a little creepy...

I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shilo.

I had hundreds, and all of them from different backgrounds...

I had your sister's boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon.

I hate you.

I have an announcement.

I have known this couple for many years.

I hear that, my friend

I hope just 50, but who knows?

I hope you realize that you deserve somebody great.

I hunt quail, Jeremy.

I just At a funeral?

I just don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.

I just got held up.

I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night.

I just had my tits done.

I just hope I didn't embarrass myself with that stupid joke I told.

I just want a bicycle!

I know about bad dreams.

I know how I can get to Claire.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're making progress.

I know it's a surprise. It's not on the surface.

I know that there is no good in them...

I know that we said we were gonna wait...

I know this game. Okay.

I know when that redhead starts getting kooky...

I know you are. I think you look good.

I know, but it's complicated.

I know, I....

I know.

I know. But the whole funny because it's true bit...

I know. It's like, why can't we hunt something cool...

I know. Unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.

I like that.

I love her.

I love it on pizza. I put a little bit in my hair...

I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes.

I love you too.

I love you, man.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you. You're a sweet man.

I love your enthusiasm.

I made you a painting.

I mean, don't you think that's really soon?

I mean, don't you think?

I mean, I believed that she was a virgin.

I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.

I met a lot of girls.

I miss seeing you.

I need the big guy.

I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about...

I never thought my sister would find someone...

I now pronounce you man and wife.

I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.

I really don't see this relationship going further than this weekend.

I really just got lucky.

I rode my bike over to a cemetery nearby.

I saw it on a bumper sticker.

I see you've been getting into a little light reading.

I stand by my daughter.

I suggest you be on it.

I sure did, Daddy.

I think he's on steroids.

I think I'm up to the challenge.

I think that people are gonna like this.

I think that there's some great things that I'd like to do...

I think that's his kid Leonard. The diabetic.

I think we only use 1 0 percent of our hearts.

I think we've got a crier.

I think you'd just be spinning your wheels with me.

I thought it was something special.

I thought you might like it.

I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take the wind out of my sails. I need you.

I unfortunately can't go. I don't have I only have this monkey suit.

I want a bicycle.

I want a wife. I don't want a fucking martyr, right?

I want it well planned.

I want my painting back.

I want you to take this note to that blond girl.

I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to. I didn't know how.

I was I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.

I was at her house when her parents brought her home from the hospital...

I was just having a bad dream.

I was looking forward to taking a break for a little bit.

I was more in the zone than anything else.

I was there. I would have noticed if there was a moment.

I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.

I went with Chazz, who you forgot to tell me is totally insane.

I wish I were stronger.

I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona...

I'll be in my room painting.

I'll give you a little bit more time because somebody can't close.

I'll lay it out for you in chapter and verse: You're going.

I'll level with you.

I'll make it rain out here. All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 1 7!

I'll pop out at the right moment.

I'll talk to you later.

I'm 6'5, but I feel like I'm 4 feet.

I'm a little too traumatized. Let's move.

I'm a very powerful man.

I'm confused. Like eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin...

I'm glad you're here.

I'm gonna go home, see Dr. Finkelstein...

I'm gonna go with the balloon animal display for the kids...

I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.

I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray. Here it is.

I'm gonna run and find my dad.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

I'm in pain.

I'm John Beckwith. I'm friends with Jeremy Grey.

I'm just asking you...

I'm just living the dream.

I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just....

I'm not a nut.

I'm not even gonna say it, but you know I'm upset.

I'm not g John, I can't Heh, heh, heh.

I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a cocksman.

I'm not in a place to discuss what happened. Okay?

I'm not judging you, because I think you're an innovator...

I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding? Neither are you.

I'm reading don't kill myself books.

I'm sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother.

I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm sorry, Kitty Cat. Are you out of your fucking mind?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sure it will be fun for the people that are going.

I'm sure you do. But I guess in your position, right? You're not allowed to...

I'm taking it with me.

I'm terrified of this broad.

I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt. My voice is hoarse.

I'm too drunk to walk, so carry me to my room.

I'm two steps ahead of you and 1 0 steps ahead of the Secret Service.

I'm watching my stories, man.

I'm....

I've changed. I've realized something.

I've got the perfect girl for you.

If I do this, I don't wanna half ass it.

If I had any air in my lungs, I'd scream at you.

In that light, they have elected to exchange vows...

In the words of the old country....

Is that a good thing?

Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job there in Washington?

It could have been the soft mattress, or the midnight ****...

It draws attention to you in a negative way.

It hurts to be lied to like that.

It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.

It just makes it worse.

It kills me however to have to tell you I'm sorry, I just

It was great to meet you.

It was like trying to cover a fucking racehorse.

It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.

It wasn't my idea. I was basically dragged to it.

It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.

It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports...

It's a Cleary family tradition.

It's a family. You're mixing it up.

It's a horrible feeling to feel that way.

It's a June wedding, but if the weather turns nasty...

It's a little corny and obvious...

It's a start.

It's amazing what they can do to

It's beautiful. It's moving. It's a wedding.

It's been months, you haven't heard anything from her.

It's exactly what I get paid to do.

It's gonna be fine.

It's good no matter what. There's music!

It's hot out here.

It's just a matter of trying to get it down.

It's just that I'm feeling very strongly...

It's just that we lost a lot of really good men out there.

It's like fishing with dynamite.

It's like I come over, I don't know what to expect.

It's not Gloria.

It's not like I was who I was. You know? So fair play.

It's okay, I was where you were a year ago.

It's okay, I was where you were a year ago.

It's sexual and violent.

It's the Clearys. They're an American institution.

J bone is Believe it or not, he's getting married.

Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!

Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager...

Jay Z.

Jeremy tried to seduce me!

Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.

Jeremy, we're gonna be so happy together.

JEREMY: Ahem. I'm sorry.

JEREMY: Bet that blond was a real shot of life.

JEREMY: Do you want to be alone with her? JOHN: Yes.

JEREMY: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately...

JEREMY: Hey, John, it's Jeremy

JEREMY: I might just have one more of the samplers here.

JEREMY: It's a good time, know what I mean?

JEREMY: Mm hm. We settled the deal with the cars.

JEREMY: No, I'm not. He'd love you to come.

JEREMY: Ow!

JEREMY: They got me! Oh, shit.

JEREMY: Yeah?

JEREMY: You're wrong to pull out the rulebook. There was never rules about this.

Jeremy!

Jeremy.

Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor.

Jeremy. Sit this play out.

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

JOHN [ON ANSWERING MACHINE]: This is John. Whatever.

John, I was first team, all state. I can put the ball wherever I want to.

John, this is completely against the rules.

John, this is my boyfriend, Sack.

John, what are you talking about? This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.

John, what do you say you and I head out to the deck and light up a couple of cigars?

John, will you wait a second so I can talk to you?

John, you gotta drop this thing. I can't do this anymore with you, okay?

John, you gotta go. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.

JOHN: Ah, sailing. What have we got, captain?

JOHN: Come here, come here.

JOHN: Drop it! Team player.

JOHN: Hell of a season.

JOHN: Hey, how do I look? Good, man.

JOHN: I'm not gonna bite you.

JOHN: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

JOHN: Jeremy!

JOHN: No. I'm just getting over here. CLAIRE: You scared?

JOHN: Oh, it's really not that interesting, actually.

JOHN: One minute.

JOHN: Secretary Cleary? JEREMY: Secretary of the treasury.

JOHN: Slow down!

JOHN: Sure. CLEARY: That's my son, Todd.

JOHN: Tourette's. Frank Myers.

JOHN: Well, no, it's just You know, things start happening...

JOHN: Whoa.

JOHN: You got it.

JOHN: You okay? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Johnny, open up, man.

Johnny! She's trying to kill me!

Johnny.

Josh I have known since his bar mitzvah...

Just calling to see what you're up to

Just don't say anything to my dad, though.

Just go kiss the broad.

Just living the dream. Where did you get that girl?

Just take it easy, okay?

Just wonderful.

KATHLEEN: Mr. Senator. Thank you. Congratulations, Kathleen.

KEN: Good, Sack. That's wonderful.

KEN: Great.

Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor.

Kindly leave.

KROEGER: Those are mine. I want them.

Let me see that again, please.

Let us bow our heads in prayer.

Let's be from Vermont, and let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.

Let's check.

Let's dance.

Let's finish this and let's move on.

Let's get through today, let's keep our eye on the prize, let's focus...

Let's go, I'm gonna start the car. I'm serious, let's go.

Let's go, sport.

Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straitjacket.

Let's see how you do with somebody your own age.

Let's take a daiquiri time out.

Let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.

Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed...

Like paintings.

Like, Everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha, ha, ha.

Listen, I'm getting married.

Listen, man. The family dog live downstairs.

Look at her. Just living the dream, I love that.

Look at the way he's looking at me.

Look for me in the end zone, I'll be the guy holding the ball.

Look, I knew I was never gonna be a professional bullfighter...

Look, I think I'm in love with her.

Look, I want to know where Claire is.

Look, I want you to fake the post...

Look, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.

Look, if you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out and throw a shit fit...

Look, John, I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?

Look, kid, I'm sorry. You win some, you lose some, right? Let's go home.

Look, we've been to a million weddings.

Look...

Looked like a big lesbian mule.

Lord knows we need family now more than ever.

Lost so many good men out there.

Love doesn't exist. That's what I'm trying to tell you guys.

Love is patient, love is kind.

Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!

MAN [ON TV]: Tough luck, Ralphie boy

MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Get off her! What are you doing?

MAN 1: Isn't that great?

MAN 2: Way to go, man. Way to go.

MAN 3: Claire, you took us all by surprise! SACK: Yeah.

Man down! We got a man down. You okay?

MAN: A perfect mother? I can't have custody.

MAN: Are they home?

MAN: Hello

MAN: I don't have custody of the kids I don't get custody.

MAN: Right now, she doesn't know where the kids are.

MAN: They're probably at a firehouse somewhere

MAN: What do you mean? I mean, it's time to send them home.

MAN: Why does Grandma have a gun?

MARY: He was a doll.

Massage oils and a book on tantra, probably from the wacky aunt.

Maybe he hasn't found something to believe in.

Maybe he's just trying to find his own way, his own path.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

Maybe I'm a little cuckoo.

Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right. Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.

Maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.

Maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know.

Maybe you can help explain something to me.

Mazel tov, baby! From my family to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.

Mm hm?

Mom make you feel her tits?

Mom's big with charities, blah, blah, blah.

More for More for, uh

Most Dangerous Game

Motorboat? You play the motorboat? Pbbbbt.

Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. It's kind of an interesting combination.

My family and a few friends, we're all going back to our place on the shore...

My family's a little strange.

My father warned me about people like you, Jeremy.

My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.

My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just I'm not really in the mood for this.

Nat King Cole.

Nature versus nurture, Lodge. Nature always wins.

No offense to you, I think we might be on different wavelengths.

No one likes to drink alone. We'll set you up.

No shit.

No way. Did you tap that again?

No, because you're supposed to

No, don't waste your time on girls with hats, they tend to be very proper.

No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is.

No, I don't need any blowing. I'm good. Thank you.

No, I don't want them. It's too hardcore.

No, I'm going. Right? Right?

No, it's a yes or no question.

No, no, I'm fine, I just....

No, no, no, I think he's really hurt.

No, no. Come on, they're here because they want to believe...

No, sweetie, you take the miles.

No, you were so sweet. Come here.

No! Wait! Wait!

No.

No.

No. I just met her.

No. I'd like to recharge my batteries, and shut down the engines...

No. No, no, no.

Nonsense, I insist.

Normally, I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good.

Not just any orthopedist. I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein

Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on...

Not only is she a virgin, she's totally off the reservation.

Not there. Not there! I'm not comfortable I'm not comfortable with that!

Not to mention, they got three live bands...

Now bunch those panties up into a little ball.

Now I know you're lying. You'll do anything to get me to go...

Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid.

Now she's not interested. So now, all of sudden, I'm starting to get interested.

Now spread it around on each other.

Now, I'm gonna meet you there at 7:30, okay?

Now, if we can just get Congress not to be so shortsighted.

Now, if you sit there and expect me to go out on a limb...

Now, listen, if you let me go to bed and get some sleep...

Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told...

Number one: Stop being a pussy.

Number three....

Number two: Make a move.

O'NEIL: You see, love is mysterious....

Obviously, you're gonna have strong feelings for me...

Oh, actually that won't be necessary.

Oh, are you kidding me?

Oh, baba ganoush.

Oh, baby, you were awesome.

Oh, come on, I got four. Okay, here's five.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, dear.

Oh, for God sakes, William, put Mommy to bed already.

Oh, get off your high horse. Stop judging people.

Oh, good, you got it. Is it 1 00 percent goose down?

Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?

Oh, he says he believes in art.

Oh, how's Claire?

Oh, I meant in front of all of them.

Oh, I'll get some air if you want some company.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, Jeremy, I do!

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hss, it burns.

Oh, just swinging the jib here for your dad.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, man, I feel like, Wow!

Oh, Mr. President.

Oh, my God Yeah, she will. You're right.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God. Your brother, he's down again.

Oh, my yarmulke fell off!

Oh, no, I'm great. Honey, I'm great.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, now you're gonna blame me?

Oh, please don't take a turn to negative town.

Oh, please. You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer.

Oh, see that?

Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up with at the Andersons' wedding?

Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.

Oh, so you're hiding, I see.

Oh, stop.

Oh, thanks a lot.

Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny, the veterinarian.

Oh, these scallops look fantastic.

Oh, what a loser!

Oh, what time is it?

Oh, would that make you love me?

Oh, yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Oh, yeah. 46 extra long, baba ganoush special.

Oh, yeah. Perfect.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave.

Oh!

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, can you ? Can you put that so he can't see it? And thank you.

Okay, come in for the real thing.

Okay, Gloria. You need to stop. Yeah, that's fun.

Okay, go get us seats near, but not too near, the bridal party.

Okay, have a safe flight. Don't worry about us.

Okay, how many are cash bars?

Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.

Okay, it can get confusing up here. If you have a problem, just give me a call.

Okay, Kitty Cat, this feels borderline inappropriate, and

Okay, let me, uh

Okay, listen, Gloria, you know that I think...

Okay, okay, listen to me. Tasmanian devil.

Okay, okay.

Okay, Sackmaster, one more. We should get back to the bar.

Okay, so, what angle are we gonna play here?

Okay, that's not creepy.

Okay, then I'll take a sports car.

Okay, then.

Okay, what's our back story?

Okay? It didn't work. She had to leave me and go attend to him.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Oh, oh, yeah.

Okay. That was nice.

Okay. That's fun. That's nice.

Okay. Yeah. No, I'll be right in.

Okay. You're going.

Once at my place, then once back in the cab.

One day, you'll look back on all this and laugh...

One happy elephant.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi.

One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Or be a charter member of Oprah's Book Club.

Or Ouch, Ouch, You're on My Hair.

Ouch.

Out. Out.

Ow, burn.

Ow! Jesus!

Pal, there's gonna be over 200 single women at this wedding.

People helping people. It's powerful stuff.

Perfect.

Perhaps.

Pervert.

Pfft. Jesus.

Phew.

Pick up your fucking skateboard!

Place settings, candlesticks, crystal stemware...

Please. It would mean so much to me. Please.

Pop it in.

Pretty handsome.

Pretty soon we'll be getting married.

Pretty soon we'll be getting married.

PRIEST: A time to cast away stones.... CHAZZ: It's so senseless.

PRIEST: A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted.

Purple Hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.

Put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, that's good.

Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

Put these in his drink and he'll be going down on a toilet seat for the next 24 hours.

Put your hands out like this.

RABBI: Wait. That's the girl I'm going to marry.

RANDOLPH: You banging the daughter and the grandma?

Really freaks you out the first time you see it.

Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.

Really? Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?

Red 7, Red 7, Red 7!

Right, that's today.

Roger.

Rule 1 6: Give me an up to date family tree.

Rule number 1: Never leave a fellow crasher behind.

Rule number 115.

Rule number 32: You don't commit to a relative...

Rule number 5: You're an idiot.

Rule number 6: Do not sit in the corner and sulk.

Rule number 76: No excuses, play like a champion.

Run!

Sack did that to you?

Sack, don't do anything crazy.

Sack, honey, you a little bit sick for hunting?

Sack, I've always liked you...

SACK: Next thing you know they pick me up, put me on the top of this mountain...

SACK: So I am president of the Environment Defense League.

SACK: They're not who they say they are, Claire.

SACK: What?

SACK: What's that? I can't breathe.

SACK: You did a great job. JEREMY: What happened, Toast?

Sack!

Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.

Saturday I got one Saturday.

Say that five times fast. You can't do it. Self sustaining

Secret Service. Consequences.

Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.

Secretary, they just grow up so damn fast.

Secretary...

See that young man out there on the dock?

See you for dinner.

She be pushing 90.

She didn't keep it and I know you're not raising that thing.

She hasn't returned your phone calls, she's never responded to your letters.

She is a stripper, for God's sake!

She is white trash. Same as you.

She looked good. I might give her a shout.

She might be interested. Do I want to be interested?

She sends her best from the grave.

She took a bike ride down to the beach.

She took me below deck for 45 minutes. I don't have any bodily fluids left in me.

She was very into her grandmother.

She's dead.

She's fucked three ways towards the weekend.

She's good.

She's just lost the person she loves the most in this world.

She's like a kid at Toys R Us. I can't be around it.

She's saving the world one maladjusted kid at a time.

Shh.

Shit, it was great.

Shlomo would like me to take him to the bathroom, then get him some crab cakes.

Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal.

Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.

Sleep well.

So are you here for the Clearys' wedding?

So damn beautiful.

So here goes.

So here's my question:

So how long have you and the secretary been married?

So how's my protégé?

So is it just about the money?

So it's hard for me to completely regret it.

So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

So, um, how do you know the groom?

So, what about you, with Sack?

So, yeah, no, that's not

So...

Some friend of my sister's...

Somebody get me another Scotch for chrissakes.

Sorry I'm late, I just....

Sorry to interrupt.

Sorry, guys, I forgot. How are you connected to the family again?

Sorry, just a sampler.

Starboard. Trying to get it over here and crease the sheet.

Still trying to figure out what she's doing with her life?

Stop it.

Stop kidding with me, Todd. You almost had me.

Stop traffic. Because when I go back to town...

Suit yourself. Rule number 1.

Sure.

Sure.

Sweetheart, why don't you take him into the house and fix him up?

Sweetheart.

Take a chance.

Take the wheel.

Tattoo on the lower back. Might as well be a bull's eye.

Tell that mean ocean!

Terrific, it was terrific.

Thank you so much for the dance and it was wonderful to meet you.

Thank you, Randolph.

Thank you.

Thank you. Although don't make me out to be a saint just yet.

That must have been so thrilling. FDR.

That my hands are your hands.

That separateness is an illusion.

That takes us to frequent flyer miles. We're flying.

That thing? I'm just warming up. Last week I did a...

That was nice. Please let me just sleep.

That would be terrific. That would be great, huh?

That'd be awesome. Big game, even like a gorilla?

That'll get you jacked up.

That's a little heavy.

That's all I needed to know.

That's fun. That's fun.

That's funny. That's funny because it's true.

That's it, go comatose for me, baby.

That's it, go comatose for me, baby.

That's it! Wait!

That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher. You know, the banker.

That's my rationalization and I'm sticking to it.

That's neither here nor there.

That's not mine. I bought that for a friend.

That's the truth, yeah.

That's the way it is.

That's unbelievable.

That's what I really wanted.

That's what I've learned.

That's what makes today so special.

That's what we call a Sack lunch! Yum, yum, yum, yum.

The Big Sleazy, Tommy Gufano. He's a wop genius.

The Brazilian girls were very nice. They seemed like

The bride!

The fat kid from What's Happening!!

The first quarter of the big game and you wanna toss up a Hail Mary.

The great 1 9th century philosopher Schopenhauer...

The guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye.

The guy you loved since business school. Don't thank me.

The only good idea is to let me and John do our job...

The painting was a gift, Todd.

The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set.

The proper girl in the hat just eye fucked the shit out of me.

The whole 1 7 years we've known each other...

The whore on the street corner.

The wife, though, Eleanor?

Then it's awkward. It's like, Good night. Do you do the ass out hug?

There had to be nice moments, during the courtship, maybe?

There he is. It's the big guy! Get in here.

There is no room for error.

There you go, get your hands on it. Take it while it's hot.

There you go. Yeah, you got it.

There's a ferry leaving in 1 0 minutes.

There's also a roster of key family members, a glossary, sailing terms.

There's cartoons, your mom, and it's like, you still got it!

There's gonna be Secret Service. They have pictures of us.

There's not a shot in hell we can get into this thing.

There's nothing terrifying about the night.

There's something not right about these guys.

These bacon wrapped scallops, phenomenal.

They both like the color green...

They crash weddings so they can sleep with girls.

They got some sort of N.P.O. called Holy Shirts & Pants.

They would have great tempura.

They're all just, you know, suckling at the power teat.

They're overpopulated and they're decimating the grub worm population.

They've got some kind of seasoning on here. It must be sprinkled.

This congregation really doesn't care about how depressing your life is, John, okay?

This is just semantics. You guys wanna throw a couple miles at us...

This is the real world, lady!

Those seem like lovely tits.

Three and a half.

Three daughters, one son.

Time to party! Time to party!

To be honest with you, my taxes aren't exactly in line.

To what the next level of the relationship would be.

Todd, come on in.

Todd, I noticed that you haven't even touched your food yet.

Todd, where are you going with this?

TODD: Mom make you feel her tits?

True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

Try getting jacked off under the table in front of the family...

Try one of these scones, you'll love them.

Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.

Twenty two years old, the whole world in front of him.

Two a.m., you dragged me 50 miles to watch you and some chick...

Two of the great American families.

Um....

Um....

Uncle Ned.

Venture capitalist. The backbone of the system.

Wait till you see the spread. Anything you want.

Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.

Watch me take this on down the road.

Watch the jib boom.

We are gonna have tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies...

We are Uncle Ned's kids.

We can forget about Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.

We did not have a moment at the dinner table.

We do turn a small profit.

We got Heidi, a couple of those fucking sluts from the environmental group, remember?

We got three really big weeks ahead of us.

We had a moment at the dinner table.

We lost a lot of good men out there.

We need a picture of this. They're crazy!

We should probably head back so they're not looking for us.

We still have a lot of things that we want to accomplish.

We want it now! The meatloaf!

We'll do the wedding in peaches and apricots.

We'll see. I'm still young.

We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.

We're brothers from New Hampshire, we're venture capitalists.

We're gonna be all right.

We're gonna be on the field in 1 0.

We're gonna do number 1 0 from the playbook. Here she comes.

We're gonna split them right down the middle.

We're gonna take a little bike ride, and then we'll come back and check up on you.

We're tacking back round.

We're waiters.

Welcome to the family. This is wonderful.

Well, Claire...

Well, Claire...

Well, Dad kind of putters around the house.

Well, darn him.

Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.

Well, however it works out, I hope you....

Well, I could go with the tall tapered arrangement...

Well, I mean, I think I am. I....

Well, I think you might have to deal me out on this, because we were gonna

Well, I'm a psychic.

Well, if the police are missing a Belgian waffle maker, you could give them a hand.

Well, it does, it sounds very nice.

Well, it's a little cheesy, but I like it.

Well, maybe he's....

Well, not too soon, um....

Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually.

Well, snap out of it! What? A hot older woman made you feel her cans?

Well, that's a hell of a good project.

Well, that's not exactly true.

Well, that's what I need. Claire.

Well, this is a first.

Well, we had to give her a Sweet 1 6...

Well, who you been crashing with, then?

Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.

Well...

What a freak.

What about those Brazilian twins we met at the ballgame?

What an athlete. A tremendous competitor.

What an idiot!

What are you gonna do for an encore? Walk on water?

What do we got?

What do you ? What's wrong with you?

What do you like better? Christmas or wedding season?

What do you think? Why don't you do the math, okay?

What do you want?

What does that mean?

What is his deal?

What is she doing? I never know what she's doing back there.

What is wrong with you?

What is your deal? What is your problem?

What the fuck do you want?

What the fuck? You can't knock anymore?

What were they like? They look pretty good. Are they real?

What you should be worried about is you're getting sloppy.

What?

What?

What?

What? Who's getting negative?

What's going on?

What's he got to be so morose about?

What's this company called?

What's wrong with you? Why you got the weird look all over your face?

What's wrong?

Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.

When am I supposed to kiss her? Do I wait for the door?

When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred rules of wedding crashing onto us...

When the meal's over with, I will talk to you.

When you know what you want, you know what you want.

Where is she? She still in the house?

Where you, like, hug each other like this...

Who gives a shit? It's a great band, a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.

Who's gonna be there to catch them?

Whoa, hold it.

Whoa, what's your problem? Have some of this stuff.

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Why don't you just kiss my left nut?

Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.

Why don't you tell her, John?

Why not?

Why would a man risk his own life for the life of a complete stranger?

Will you just go stand on the other side, please?

Will you slow down for a second? The whole eye drop thing backfired.

Will you stop? I'm not gonna chase you down the whole fucking street, man.

William doesn't give a shit about my tits.

With every death there comes rebirth.

With shades of gray.

With that fella from the wedding that everyone seems to be so fond of.

With the prime minister of England and my cousin Harry.

With who?

WOMAN: Do not talk about me as a mother

WOMAN: Don't you talk about me being a mother.

WOMAN: I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother.

WOMAN: Just remember how you MAN: Right now.

WOMAN: Playing with the Yankees?

WOMAN: Wonderful scallops. CLEARY: Absolutely. Wonderful.

Would love to hear back from you, man

Wow

Wow

Wow, getting a nice preview of what marriage is gonna be like...

Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full.

Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb like.

Wow. Wow!

Yea, they all have one breath...

Yeah, actually, we started dating while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.

Yeah, actually, we started dating while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.

Yeah, and we were faithful for two of them.

Yeah, Dad used to think I'd be a political liability...

Yeah, he came up too fast and the oxygen deprivation....

Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I pray too, you know what I mean?

Yeah, I remember, but this is

Yeah, I think I think that you're nuts. That's what I think.

Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every now and then, but funerals are insane.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just, uh....

Yeah, real shot.

Yeah, that's probably the best word to describe it.

Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.

Yeah, well, get what you want to go.

Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?

Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.

Yeah, you, big guy.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. It turns me on.

Yeah. Yeah, perhaps...

Yeah. You hungry?

Yeah. You know, you break the ice.

Yep.

Yes or no?

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.

Yes, we are.

Yes, with the Yankees.

Yes, you are.

Yes, you did.

Yes! Crab cakes and football!

Yes.

Yes.

Yes. I need you to get some dirt on these two guys...

Yes. We had a moment.

Yes. Well put. Shortsighted.

You and me.

You are a big hit at this wedding.

You better get your ass to that wedding.

You bite your tongue. Chazz Reinhold is not a kook.

You both look beautiful up there today, particularly Debbie in that white dress.

You butchered the whole damn cake! You don't treat cake like that.

You can't just go shooting people on a whim!

You can't marry this guy.

You check out the rack on that bartender?

You did?

You didn't always hate each other.

You didn't happen to catch my speech...

You do that to me. Ooh.

You do whatever you have to do.

You don't know shit.

You don't sound very enthused.

You don't think we're being

You drop it. You stop projecting on me.

You get near my fiancée again...

You get them playing Shout and you hate it.

You go change for dinner.

You go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

You go get in the closet! You go get in the closet!

You got everyone on you now. Get all the attention.

You got the sweet little grandma who's really sweet...

You gotta step this up already. I'm gonna give you the damn eye drops.

You gotta wait until I put them back.

You had me going, son.

You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period.

You just go right ahead, Toddy.

You know I don't look good.

You know I love you.

You know I'm not gonna give in to this kind of behavior.

You know it.

You know what?

You know, I saw you at the wedding.

You know, I think I'm gonna get some air.

You know, people like funny.

You know, she's not just another notch on the old belt.

You know, the doctors call it night terrors. I don't know.

You know, the doctors call it night terrors. I don't know.

You know, Todd...

You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!

You look really pretty, by the way. That's all I'm gonna say.

You lose good men to trades and unruly fans.

You make it sound like a cult.

You met her at a funeral.

You motorboating son of a bitch. You old sailor, you.

You move pretty good.

You must be joking.

You okay?

You okay?

You poor thing.

You should have played in your underwear.

You shut your mouth when you're talking to me.

You sly son of a bitch.

You sure you've been okay? This does not look like a guy who's okay.

You wanna hear the crazy thing?

You wanna know what the kicker is, Father?

You want me to blow on it?

You want the noise brought on you? Here it comes.

You want to get a whole combination.

You'll learn as time goes on that there's a difference...

You'll wake my dad.

You're an asshole.

You're better off going with something from the heart.

You're coming with!

You're falling for this broad.

You're in my room.

You're not that good a dancer.

You're right.

You're so cautious. I'm more of a risk taker.

You're unbelievable. Judas.

You're wondering, Do I have food on my face? Am I eating?

You've been playing cat and mouse with me ever since you came here.

You've read my position paper?

Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius.

Your friendship means a lot to me.

Your goddamn negativity. I don't need it. I'm an idea man.

Your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.

Your mother.

[WHISPERING] The Eagle has landed. JEREMY: The big show.

or my job...

...and let's close some ass. Noted.

...but that's not why I did it. Weren't you scared?

...ever since she passed. I see.

...exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field. Ha, ha.

...sleep with anybody, right? No.

...until I met Craig? Yes.

...warm colors will really help you. That's right....

...we don't always choose.... Psst.

...when we were your age. I can't breathe.

...who knows the jungle, or the woods. Like a bad guy.

...will finally unite. Hear, hear.

A little more discreet, though, okay? GLORIA: Hee, hee.

A little out of shape? Yeah.

Alone? No, not alone.

Amen. Amen.

And guess what. What?

And? You were crying.

Big dyke. CLAIRE: Oh, Lord.

Chazz. Chazz?

Chazz. John, you don't even know Chazz

Christina wants to talk to you. Fun's over.

Claire bear. Yeah?

Claire, go back up on the altar. No.

Come on, use some muscle. There we go.

Come on, wrap it up. Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.

Congratulations, Mr. Secretary. CLEARY: Thanks.

Daiquiris. Daiquiris.

Deal us in. Oh, cool, cool, cool.

Dibs. She's all yours.

Do you get swelled up still? Yeah, of course.

Don't oversell it. I'm not selling anything.

Down! Come on.

Everything he told you is a lie. CLAIRE: I don't understand.

Excuse me. All right. I'm gonna

Fair enough. But if you want my help, listen.

Feel them. What?

Fine! Ow, Jesus Christ!

Get it up! Get it up! Well, don't worry about it.

Get out. What?

Give me a break. That was my first Asian!

Give me the eye drops. Thank you.

Good man, take a seat. Oh, thanks.

Good. What have we got?

Good. Where's your friend?

Grandma! Get the gun from her!

Great. Yep. SACK: Great?

Hang in there. I hope you flip your bike over...

Hang up the phone. Okay.

Haunted past. Haunted past. Excellent.

Hello. Excuse us.

Here it comes. Just hike the ball, nut job.

Hey, fella. How you doing?

Hey. How are you? Hey.

Hi, John. I just wanted to tell you how much...

Hi. How's it going? Hi.

Hide! You gotta hide! Yes. No. They need to know about us.

Hm? Enjoy the party.

Hm. And that? Cotton linens, Egyptian.

Hold on a second. Let me talk to you. About what?

Holy sh Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.

Horny? Yeah, crazy horny.

How about you? I'll dance with the flower girl.

How much jam you got, man? Jam?

How was the wedding? Oh, it was boring, you know

How you doing? Oh, great. Good to see you.

I can't believe how selfish you are. I need you.

I choose not to eat with you. We're not eating together?

I crashed a funeral earlier, and I Wha...?

I don't eat meat or fish. He's a homo.

I don't have any clothes. No, we have everything you need.

I don't know what Red 7 means. Hot route!

I don't know what's going on. You don't know?

I get it. Good work. Good.

I got a Stage 5 clinger. No, no, I need more time.

I got you. JEREMY: No, you didn't.

I hate you! MAN: Hey, I got an idea.

I know how I can get to her. What?

I know. It's like a pigsty. It's like a mosh pit in here.

I love it. You do?

I love them. They're phenomenal. And did you have a band?

I love you. I love you.

I need alone time with her. You wanna hang out with Claire...

I said, feel them. Mrs. Cleary

I saw you had it. Hey, shut up!

I should I should go check on him. JOHN: Yeah, sure, okay.

I think I had him. I know you did.

I think you're wrong. Sounds of silence.

I told you this was a bad idea. JEREMY: You know what, Ken?

I will check into them. Excellent, bro.

I'm going downtown. Hot route!

I'm just another notch on your belt. It's not like that. It's not like that.

I'm just gonna scare them a little bit. All right.

I'm not going. You are.

I'm playing catch up, too. I don't

I'm ready to get drunk. Ha, ha.

I'm seeing a Buddhist about it. Not just any Buddhist.

I'm sorry? I love you.

I'm sticking to it. Go ahead.

I'm try Kindly leave.

I've got a flight to Madrid. JOHN: Oh, you have to leave?

Is this your place? No. No, no, no.

It stings. Oh, Jesus. GLORIA: Poor baby.

It'd mean a lot to me if you came. Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly.

It's all deadly. I'll see you in a little. Yes.

It's gonna be so much fun. It's gonna be so much fun.

It's the circle of life. Oh.

It's the new pioneer. O'NEIL: New pioneer.

It's wedding season, kid. You sandbagging son of a bitch.

Jeremy, boy, he Yeah, J bone.

Jeremy, you're amazing. Oh, God, I think you're amazing.

Jeremy. Heh, heh.

Jeremy. Jeremy! Is that good?

Jesus. Come on. You ruined it. JOHN: Come on. Get in there.

John Ryan. Claire Cleary.

John, apology accepted. Okay.

John, I need to talk to you. No, not right now.

John! Red 7! What?

John? Yeah?

Let's play tummy sticks. What's tummy sticks?

Let's play tummy sticks. What's tummy sticks?

Like what? Give me an example. Like what? Well, there's the company...

Look it up. I didn't know that.

Maybe. JOHN: Ha, ha. Okay.

Mm hm. Wow.

Mommy. You know, Willy's father, my husband...

Mr. Grey. Yes, um, the answer would be...

Mrs. Cleary, I don't Call me Cat.

No, forget it, forget it. I'm talking out loud.

No, I live with my ma. Oh.

No, I live with my ma. Oh.

No, I'm not I can't do that. What are you talking about?

No, it's cute. The crazy guest who thinks he's...

No, really? Really? Yeah. Yeah, you're like that crazy guest...

No, you lock it up. Lock it up. You lock it up. Lock it up.

No, you're joking. All of it is Don't you fucking get up.

No. Listen to me, awesome.

Oh, if he wasn't armed. ...but a clever human being...

Oh, it's gonna be great. You sleep.

Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked. No, no, don't panic.

Oh, Lord. Here we go again. What you should be worried about...

Oh, my God, don't ever leave me. Good. Ever.

Oh, really? CLEARY: Yeah.

Oh, she's looking fine. Okay.

Oh, that's bullshit. Yeah, thought I forgot about that.

Oh, you're gonna cover me? Like white on rice.

Oh! Ah! Jeremy!

Okay, Cat Call me Kitty Cat. Rowr.

Okay, how about that? This?

Okay. I think it's very obvious...

Okay. Okay.

Okay. You all right?

Okay. CLAIRE: Hang on, hang on.

Okay. CLAIRE: Okay.

Okay. Let's do our pregame. What do you got?

Okay. RABBI: He never got the courage...

Or the wedding? The wedding had to be fun.

Ow! Ow! Huh?

People helping people. JOHN: Yeah.

Problem solved. Problem solved. The problem's not solved.

Really? Yes.

Rhino. Or a fucking human being?

Right. Hey, you wanna help me out?

Sack, will you just stop? Okay, okay.

Sack! Oh, God, here it goes.

Sack? For the quail hunt?

Sailing? Sailing's like sex to these people.

Sanjay Collins. Chuck Vindaloo.

Say yes to yourself and your future. Say yes.

Shamus O'Toole. Bobby O'Shea.

She didn't respond to the candygram. Right.

She is not. Her name is Chastity.

She's hot. I got her yesterday.

So how you been? Great. Really spectacular.

So I guess I'll see you later. See you later.

So you gonna give a toast? Yes.

So, what's next? I'm starving.

Soft mattress? Yeah, that could've been it.

Sounds good. Okay. If you need me, I'll be on line six.

Sounds sort of wonderful. I am

Stogies? Yeah.

Stop crying like a little girl. I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Sure, Mom. No, don't baby him.

Sure. JOHN: Let me just change my shoes.

Thank you. You sure?

Thanks. How would one get to this Sook's Bend?

Thanks. Okay, be strong.

That looked like it hurt. Ooh.

That was a confession. What are you talking about?

That's okay. No, you're really sweet.

That's right. Oh. Yeah

That's right. That's great.

That's what Maryland does! CLEARY: Nice one.

The French Foreign Legion? Yeah.

There you are. Hey, Gloria, wow.

There's no overtime. No. Oh, no overtime?

They're all full of shit. What?

Thirty years next April. Oh, that's beautiful.

Those aren't even their real names. What?

Timing's no good. I can't make it. Why?

Told you this would be classy, right? Yes, you did.

Way to bring it. SACK: Anticipate that rush.

We'll burn them with the post. No, no. No, I got a better idea.

We're all one. We are?

We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it. Okay.

Weird Al Yankovic. Hm.

Well, what do you do? You pray.

Well, you're welcome. JEREMY: Thank you.

What about that? Oh, I'll go all day.

What am I thinking? I'll help.

What are you gonna say? Would you...?

What did you do? I told you that in confidence.

What do you mean? You do investments in New Hampshire...

What the fuck is going on? Shh.

What? I wasn't a virgin.

What? Step on my head when I'm drowning.

What? That we're all one.

What? What do you mean, what?

What? Ah, he's fine. I can't breathe.

What'd you have to eat? Crab cakes.

What's that one? Knife set. German. Very nice.

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you?

Where's my little friend? He's tired.

Where's my little friend? No, no, no.

White trash. What are you talking about?

Who is that? Ah, him.

Whoa, what? Yeah, the sock...

Wonderful. Wonderful.

Yeah, completely different situation. How?

Yeah, it is. Yeah.

Yeah, it seems great. Really?

Yeah? Cleary family tradition.

Yeah? Hi, is Chazz here?

Yeah. Funny.

Yeah. Great.

Yeah. It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.

Yeah. Gorilla. Or a rhinoceros.

Yeah. JOHN: Good or bad?

Yeah. MAN 3: You're good! You're good!

Yeah. Mmm. Okay.

Yes! Well, you have a gift.

Yes. Claire, come on. Come on.

Yes. I get a little self conscious.

Yes. JOHN: Oh, okay.

Yes. Why do you need this? Are you sure?

Yes. Yes! Baba ganoush! Well

Yesterday? Yeah.

You better lock it up. You better lock it up.

You can go if you want. You're gonna be a team player.

You can't go. Watch me.

You could not be more wrong Just be gentle with her, okay?

You gotta anticipate that rush. Of course I do.

You gotta treat cake like a lady. Look at that.

You have your families. Your decorations.

You just said that you were happy for me I'm hanging by a thread.

You keep it in your cleavage. Nowhere else to put it.

You know, some people call that art. It's crap.

You met her at a funeral? Yeah.

You nervous? Mmm, little bit, um.

You okay, buddy? Oh, don't okay, buddy me.

You okay? Not now, Father, please.

You remember yet? CLAIRE: Are you okay?

You said it wasn't yours. Don't worry about the book.

You the man. Take it easy.

You want some? I knew you'd come Yes.

You won't make time for me. If I get my sleep...

You're being paranoid. He's threatened by the way I dance.

You're cheating. You're cheating.

You're projecting. Drop it.

You're psychic? I am.

You're supposed to move your hands. You're not getting enough attention?

Your father used to pull the same stunt... I can't breathe.

Your whole life is gonna be fine. Yeah.

... 1 2 years ago, he gave us a legacy.

...and ask that you bless the entire Cleary family...

...and bless his heart, Shilo would always let me win.

...and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and more money.

...and get myself back to neutral.

...and he saw Deborah again...

...and he's grown into a remarkable young man himself.

...and I like that about you. I think you're a special, special man.

...and I think that I'm ready to take, um, this relationship...

...and I think the problem is I am not being adventurous enough for you.

...and I was there the day she graduated from medical school.

...and I'm gonna tell him we got a whole new bag of issues.

...and I'm not ready to lose you yet.

...and it would be so great if you guys came.

...and it's all good because you seemed to make her happy...

...and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown mode here at the house.

...and just don't even have time to really ask questions about it.

...and knock your two front teeth out, you selfish son of a bitch!

...and mediate this thing right here.

...and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm trying to catch up with you.

...and tell you that I feel really bad about everything that's happened between us.

...and that's what matters to me most.

...and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close.

...and then has a best friend make a vow...

...and then when she comes to check it out, guess who's a broken man.

...and they start chanting, and I realized...

...and try to pull off the greatest crash of all time...

...and Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now...

...and wipe off the oil from the tanker spill.

...and you go down a road and you think it's just for a little while.

...and you have a crazy brother

...and, uh, I mean, I always assumed that we would get married.

...are quite the sailing enthusiasts.

...as the one dieth, so dieth the other.

...at big law firms in New York.

...at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.

...because I don't think friendship exists either.

...because you lost your virginity to me...

...between infatuation and love, you know?

...but a little irresponsible? I mean, you know?

...but I feel like I have to be up front with you.

...but it's not Halloween. Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

...but maybe you wanna sit back on the swing.

...but the feelings we felt...

...but there's no way I'm ready for that.

...but we gotta look at reality here.

...but what do you get out of being subtle, right?

...disappearing?

...even if I have to walk right into the lion's den.

...for her tonight at the Burke's club. We're going at 7:30.

...for interstellar domination, right?

...for man to rejoice and to do good in his life...

...for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.

...for sending me a friend like Craig.

...for that which befalleth the sons of men, befalleth beasts.

...grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe.

...he now lives in a shack in Guam.

...he spoke a magical language that only I could understand.

...I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.

...I gotta know that your head's right.

...I should take it easier on him.

...I'd love to make time and talk about, uh, different things.

...I'll kill you.

...I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist about what you did to my back.

...I'm gonna make all your fantasies come true.

...I've been sneaking off to go on hunting trips around the world.

...investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.

...is dribble his own blood on a canvas and smear it around with a stick.

...is really your cheek.

...John and Jeremy Ryan. They're brothers from New Hampshire.

...like a hawk, or an eagle, or something with some talons?

...like Craig's eyes and money.

...like, part of the family who's gonna say inappropriate stuff? What is that?

...loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday...

...love, we have learned, is a mystery.

...maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance...

...my best friend and my first mate...

...my head's buried in a toilet.

...needing you, wanting you, taking you?

...not to marry him.

...on her 1 3th birthday. You remember that.

...on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue, did you?

...once in a while, would it?

...ones they truly love.

...only works if the truth is a small thing.

...or I could go with a votive of roses and lilies, I don't know.

...or just your general point of view towards everybody.

...or that you intended to.

...or the nude, gay art show in my room.

...our relationship, to the next level.

...play mahjong with her grandmother at a retirement home.

...polling shows a majority of the American people...

...put myself on the line, you shoot it down with negativity.

...put your swords away for a second.

...say we were young and stupid.

...screams at night sometimes.

...she said something to my dad a couple of years ago...

...she said something to my dad a couple of years ago...

...so everything is backwards.

...so I put up with your stories about scallops and otters...

...so that a man hath no preeminence above the beast.

...so why don't we do something like, let's say, a giraffe?

...take you, Christina, to be my wife...

...talking to you in languages you don't understand...

...that are so aroused by marriage, they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

...that are so aroused by marriage, they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.

...that he will never spend his birthday alone again.

...that I wore around all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in...

...that maybe we could check out, if you have any interest, when we get back.

...that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling.

...that something about me feels alive inside.

...that something about me feels alive inside.

...that we have where we're taking the fur or the wool from sheep...

...that we're only expressing ourselves in a physical, sexual specifically way.

...that you're an amazing person, a really amazing person...

...the boyfriend and Sybil, by all means. I'm not going.

...the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me.

...the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

...then make little shirts and pants...

...then we can talk tomorrow.

...they got oysters, snacks, phenomenal finger food.

...they thought I was God.

...they're in the presence of true love. That's why people come to weddings.

...through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.

...throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good.

...to ask her out, until 1 0 years later, Josh was in the emergency room...

...to be my best friend...

...to be your anchor and your sail...

...to include me in something like that. Thank you.

...to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation...

...to make some bad decisions?

...to set up that Shearson Lehman prick?

...trying to make it honest. I get it.

...two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges...

...unless you're absolutely positive that they have a pulse.

...until you feel them.

...up to the lectern.

...use the information at hand to make the best decision possible.

...was shoved into my mouth, and there was duct tape over it.

...was the secretary of state for President Franklin Roosevelt.

...we have no way of knowing what lays ahead for us in the future.

...we honor the eternal bond...

...we'll take a couple. The big thing is that we're all moving on.

...wedding season?

...what other people thought as much as she did until I met Craig.

...when a young man who happens to be an only child...

...when I get the sensation back in my face. From the football game.

...when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

...which they themselves have written.

...which they'll probably never use because it's crystal stemware.

...which those of you who were there know it was not a very pretty sight.

...who cared about what other people thought as much as she did...

...who spoke different languages. One of them, his name was Caleb...

...who thinks he's part of the family. It's great.

...with her, like, little, like, white hair, but then she's kind of mean.

...with Ike Turner here.

...with tulips and freesias and orchids...

...with wearing a white dress.

...without wondering if anyone's gonna find out?

...would ultimately empathize with our situation.

...you and your brother are venture capitalists.

...you know, in case he ever ran for president.

...you're not that young.

...your daughter's a little....

[ALL LAUGHING]

[ALL SINGING]

[ALL SPEAK IN HEBREW]

[BAND PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC]

[BIRDCALL WHISTLING]

[CACKLING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[CHATTERING AND CLAPPING]

[CHATTERING]

[CHATTERING]

[CHAZZ CONTINUES SOBBING]

[CHORTLING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING]

[CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARS THROAT AND CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CLEARY GIBBERING]

[CLINKING ON GLASS]

[CONTINUES WHIMPERING]

[COUGHING AND WHIMPERING]

[CRYING]

[CRYING]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[GASPING]

[GIBBERING]

[GIGGLES]

[GIGGLING]

[GLORIA MOANING]

[GROWLING AND CHUCKLING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS]

[GUN COCKS]

[GURGLING AND BELCHING]

[GURGLING]

[HUMMING]

[IN BABY VOICE] Because I'd find you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Claire, hold it a second. Claire, Claire.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Of course, like all kids, I had imaginary friends, but not just one.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[JOHN LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING AND MOANING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LINE RINGING]

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[MOUTHING] Okay.

[MOUTHING] Thank you.

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[PEOPLE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PHONE BEEPS]

[PHONE RINGS]

[PLAYING HAVA NAGILA]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[SACK CACKLES]

[SACK GUFFAWS]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SHUSHING]

[SINGING HAVA NAGILA]

[SINGING HAVA NAGILA]

[SINGING THE ISLEY BROTHERS' SHOUT]

[SLAPPING]

[SNICKERING]

[SNORING]

[SNORTS]

[SOBBING]

[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY AND LAUGHING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SPEAKS IN HEBREW]

[VOMITING]

[WAGNER'S BRIDAL CHORUS PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[WHIMPERING]

[WHISPERING] Claire, I'm not here to bother you, I just came to be his best man.

[WHISPERING] Great. You threw it perfectly.

[WHISPERING] Okay, excuse me, I'm sorry.

[WHISPERING] Thank you.