Wedding Crashers (2005) Soundboard Edit

A bad idea would be to let your client walk out of here today...

A couple of dumb kids running around.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to weep and a time to laugh.

All right. Who else wants something?

All the while you're wondering, Are we gonna get hopped up enough...

And do you maybe feel the same way?

And I think that that's a very rare thing in this world.

And I'd like to play some catch up on finding out who's inside here.

And I'm flattered that you would think of me...

And I'm sorry I called you a hillbilly, I don't even know what that meant.

And the whiskers.

Are you okay?

Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz

Baby, I started thinking about what you said before...

Because they wanna believe in true love.

BOTH: Ooh.

But he has pulled himself together nicely...

But that that's how everyone feels before they're about to get married.

But, Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden

Can I ask you a question, Father?

Chazz?

CLAIRE: So you're a venture capitalist?

CLEARY: Claire.

CLEARY: Todd, that's good!

CLEARY: Well, the guy wants to run for president.

CLEARY: Where's Sack?

Come here!

Come on, get a picture, get a picture, get a picture.

Come on, John!

Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Congratulations, young man.

Could you two just not talk anymore?

Damn it. Why'd I have to go showing off like that?

Damn you, Roger.

Do me a favor, ease the sheets...

Do you wanna watch me with a girl?

Does anyone ever feel like they're just..

Everyone wants to be part of a miracle. I turned the corner, she's a part of it.

Everything works?

First time?

From the grave.

Gloria, go to sleep, honey.

Go.

Good luck.

Good. What have you been up to?

Have a seat. Yeah.

He made a fool out of you, Claire.

Here, I'll just pick this off, I'll go grab another piece. That's it.

Hey, is your brother okay?

Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?

Hey, your dad was telling me about a great beach near here...

Hey. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.

Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. It's just me.

How about a dance?

I am.

I could hang out for a few minutes.

I don't want to be around someone who's a nut job.

I feel so tiny in your arms.

I just thought that that's what guys wanted to hear.

I know everything there is to know about maple syrup.

I love you.

I mean, like You're hunting a human being right now.

I need to talk to you. It's not a big deal..

I need you there to be my best man.

I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

I think you're gonna hear crickets.

I will have some meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.

I'll get you a drink.

I'll stick it out with you because you're desperate.

I'm fine. You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.

I'm gonna go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.

I'm gonna mention something to the commerce secretary.

I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.

I'm not letting you out of this room...

I'm scared.

I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat

I'm sorry.

I'm used to sailing down under with the Kiwis...

If you see crab cakes, get some because I love them.

Is that what you get paid to do?

It's all I think about and I don't know what to do.

It's not realistic, it's crazy.

It's very difficult to read the situation.

It's Vivian.

Jeremy, wait up!

JEREMY: I'm sick of that.

JEREMY: No, you will not.

JEREMY: Oh, my back hurts.

JEREMY: They look terrific. Maybe I'll actually try some...

John Ryan. Say hello to my brother, Jeremy.

John, it's okay.

John, you've been my friend for 1 6 years. I'm getting married.

JOHN: Oh, my God, you didn't hear.

JOHN: Oh, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd.

JOHN: Wouldn't that be sweet? JEREMY: Wouldn't that be nice?

Johnny, wait a second.

Just for a second, just to see how it feels.

KATHLEEN: Thank you, Sack. Thank you.

Kitty Cat.

Late, as usual. Is Claire ?

Let me break it down for you, I'll hold your hand like a small child:

Let me say one thing.

Man the Woodwind for a while.

MAN: Are they home? WOMAN: I've been a good mother!

MAN: Yes!

Maybe not my name I'm John Beckwith, by the way.

Move it on.

Natalie Portman.

No, no, it's about...

Not by choice.

Oh, Craig.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh.

Okay?

Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.

On my way.

Ooh.

Perfect.

Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother.

Ready, down, set! Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!

Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!

Really?

Really? How tall are you?

Rubbing up against each other, a couple of kids who like to fuck...

SACK: Hm. No, I don't know. CLEARY: So, Jeremy...

SACK: Okay, okay. Home sweet home.

SACK: There you go. Nice, nice, nice.

SACK: You. Huh?

Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.

Shlomo, don't you remember me?

Should I play like I'm interested? I'm not that interested.

Shout! Put your hands up and shout!

So could I really feel that bad?

That's it, that's it, that's it! Come on!

That's really impressive. RISD.

That's very admirable.

The chicks are so horny, it's not even fair.

The Olsen twins.

The ring.

There you go.

To the right!

Trapster, talk to me.

Try to fight it. Try to fight it.

Uh, so how do you know that?

Uh....

Uh....

Um, heh....

Uncle Ned's kids.

We don't even have a back story, I just....

We used to play checkers with each other every day...

We witness two people choosing to marry...

We're not that young.

We've become extremely spiritual...

Well, serves him right after that throw.

What a coincidence, I was just singing your praises. This is John Ryan.

What about having a public service, an obligation to our fellow man?

What about the Chang wedding three years ago?

What are you doing? It's a game of touch.

What do you mean, how? She was a very, very family oriented girl.

What?

What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket.

What's true love?

Where is Tim right now?

While each man thinks he knows love...

Who gave this to you?

Why are you looking at me like that?

Why are you yelling at me?

Why?

WOMAN: Do not talk about that.

WOMAN: It is pathetic what I've had to go through

WOMAN: Oh, this is wonderful. Oh.

WOMAN: Who is that?

Would it be a total cliché if I kissed you right now?

Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50 percent?

Wow

Wow, really? Mount Everest?

Yeah, no. Don't answer that.

Yeah.

Yes, I think it's a good thing.

Yes!

You ever get horny?

You know how they say we only use 1 0 percent of our brains?

You know, someone once told me that...

You know, this and that. Crashing weddings.

You know, Uncle Ned?

You know, we were thinking about a little game of touch football, you know?

You like them?

You may kiss the first mate

You take off the white wig and you stop judging me.

You were a virgin?

You're never gonna hit me, I don't think. I'm pretty quick.

Your family are totally nuts.

[WHISPERING] I want you. [WHISPERING] I love you.

...and he said to himself: [WHISPERING] Hi.

...but that doesn't mean Oh, I wasn't a virgin.

Bill, congratulations. Thank you, senator.

But I love you. Yeah.

Claire, we need you for pictures. Oh, okay.

Claire. Please.

Fondue set. Excuse me?

Get in here for the real thing. Oh, oh.

Hi. How are you?

Is he Liz's brother? Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.

It's good to see you. Good to see you.

It's okay. Hide, hide, hide! Please, please, please.

Listen to me. I can't go. Why?

Listen, we gotta go meet the Schreibers. Okay.

Make it 40. Done.

Maybe. Maybe.

No shot. Twenty bucks.

No, go ahead. [MOUTHING] Okay.

Nope. Mm mm. Okay, go walk the plank.

Oh, that's right. What am I ? Yeah.

Randolph. Shh.

Rolling a fatty. No, not for Where'd you learn that?

That was amazing! It was really great.

The train's going. We gotta get on. Why not just feed me to the lions?

The what? MAN: The noise brought on you.

They got me! Oh, shit.

They love it. Harvard, Kennedy School of Government.

Trapster, it's Sack. Sackmaster.

What is our situation, Dad? You're a homo.

Who's it from? Aunt Millie.

Who's your friend? This is John Ryan.

Why? I don't know anything about you!

Wow. Whoo!

...and all the friends here assembled.

...and have some real problems. Jackass.

...and my captain..

...and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew.

...but given the spirit of this weekend, well....

...he said, at that moment, when a human sees another human in danger...

...is not Chazz Reinhold, who's in the hall of fame.

...swing the jib starboard.

...that maybe I'm capable of, hopefully.

...that stretches through the ages.

...that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness.

...true love is...

...we thank you for thy bounty on this table...

...which of these do you like?

[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]

[CHILDREN GASPING AND OOHING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CLAIRE CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GUNSHOT]

[JEREMY CLEARS THROAT]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]

[MOANING]

[MUSIC ENDS AND PEOPLE CLAPPING]

[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

[MUTTERING]

[PACHELBEL'S CANON IN D PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[THE ISLEY BROTHERS' SHOUT PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]