The Wedding Ringer (2015) Soundboard Edit

A guy like me doesn't land a girl like her.

A handful of napkins and a smile

Actually, we did invite everyone we wanted to.

After I was hit by a drunk driver

All right, I want you to keep reminding yourself that

All right. All right, stop

ALL: ♪ Let's get, get off!

ALL: ♪ Off!

ALL: ♪ Roof!

ALL: It's game time!

Am I really your friend?

And me and you, we are done here

And the last thing I want to do is put

And then, when my dad died, I took over the business.

And you're a regional racquetball champion. Lefty, good serve.

And, uh..

Any more questions?

As the only Ethiopian Jew

Ask me why you're from North Dakota

Be a man. OTIS: This isn't a game anymore.

Because I haven't gotten any since I got out

Beth Shalom, right? Beth Yirmeyahu.

Bic is flying in tomorrow morning

Bic, Bic, Bic

Bismarck's in the middle.

BRONSTEIN: ♪ I saw the light on the night

But after getting to know you these past few days,

But in less than an hour, we're going to have

But never a best man's speech,

Call me mean names. (SCOFFS)

Can I unfasten my pants belt?

Chris and I have known each other since, uh..

Chuck wood a could wood much how

Classic, Doug!

Come on, Jimmy

Come on, you pussies.

Come on. Let's go get you cleaned up, man.

Congrats, man. MAN: Great speech.

Cottage cheese helmet.

Do you speak English?

Do you think you're too good? No, this is your guys' thing

Don't you think it's a bit strange

Doug

Doug Harris, congratulations.

Doug, I'm not trying to be rude,

Doug, you look great, man.

DOUG: And I said, it's called loyalty.

DOUG: Honey, are you there?

DOUG: Oh, wait, Bic, I meant to tell you,

DOUG: What are you talking about? Those are my friends.

ED: Don't ever call me Dad.

ED: Where'd you go to defense school, Munchkinland?

EDMUNDO: All right, team, can we all gather around, please?

Every time it moves, it hurts!

Father McNulty is a wonderful priest

Fellows.

FITZGIBBONS: What in the fuck, Lou?

For our big day. Okay?

Four hundred and fifty...

From the original question

Fuck yeah, I want this money. I earned this money, man

Fuck! Fuck, shit, bitch, dick, ass! No. No, you can't.

Fuck! JIMMY: Hike! Let's go!

Get some fucking balls right now!

Go, go!

Golden Tux

Gretchen and I

Gretchen and I, we both decided that it was better that we...

Gretchen, are you there?

GUESTS: Aw. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

HAL LANE: Will the rest of the wedding party

Half point boost to all our GPA's.

Harris. Doug Harris.

Have you ever been to the 'hood? Here you go

He's taking this wedding thing way too seriously

Hello.

Hello. I got a problem.

Hello. Uh oh. Showtime

Hey, do me a favor.

Hey, Doug

Hey, fellows

Hey, sweetie, listen, you're just overstressed.

Hey. No ass touching off the field, Joe.

Hi. Yeah

His real name is Jimmy,

Honey!

How she was ready to have kids.

I barely even knew the kid.

I bet you wouldn't use Log Cabin syrup

I don't care how much it costs

I don't know

I don't think I've ever felt a connection to anybody like that before.

I don't want it to be all right.

I doubt this is what she had in mind

I have to be honest with you guys.

I haven't felt this good, this happy since..

I just got punched. I thought this was touch football.

I know

I know everything, Doug. Drink up

I know I keep tripping over it.

I know this is gonna sound crazy, but if you're ever in the mood,

I know! It's the way I'm going!

I love you both. WOMAN: Cheers!

I love you, bud.

I may have been to a point

I said, what time is it?

I spent half my damn middle school years in his principal's office.

I took her dancing

I want it to be great

I want to hear my name again. What's my name?

I'm begging you!

I'm Bic Mitchum and I love candy.

I'm going to get something else!

I'm sorry. I just got really excited.

I'm sorry. I just, uh...

I'm trying to tag her ass before she passes out, so if you could just...

I've just never seen you so frisky.

I've never seen that Doug before.

If I do this, you need to understand

Is that a yes or a no?

Isn't that what you're doing?

It was a close call with the Kenyan.

It wasn't an Altoid, Doug.

It's great to see you again, man.

Jesus Christ. BEST MAN: Oh, God

JIMMY: Go, go, Dickerson! Yeah!

JIMMY: Go, go, go!

JIMMY: I think we saved the best for last.

JIMMY: I'm so happy for you, man

JIMMY: Lou, what the fuck are you doing?

JIMMY: That's okay.

JIMMY: When you get backed into a corner,

JIMMY: Yeah, he was. BRONSTEIN: Doug man.

Just breathe, Dougie!

Just kidding. I'm just kidding

KIP: I'm going to go see if he's praying

Large.

Let's go dance. No, thanks

Look, Gretch, who were we kidding?

Look, Jimmy, I'd love to help you out,

Lou had to go away for a while.

Lou, this is a closed road!

LURCH: Support each other.

MAN 2: I heard you died.

Marci's dad found a butt plug in the glove compartment.

Maybe I don't want to be

Maybe we can catch a game

My grandmother's burned from head to toe, my dad's knee is shredded.

Nadia.

Nice. Like Tom Jones

No!

No! No!

No.

No. Honey, look, I would love to, okay?

No. Um, Edmundo. Ah.

No. Well, he didn't die immediately

Not my ass, the dog's ass!

Of guys I've ever seen in my life.

OFFICER: (ON LOUDSPEAKER) Pullover.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, God, Marci's going to kill me

Oh, God.

Oh, shit! I thought it was Angley.

Oh, shit. DORIS: Oh, my God.

Oh, that is so not fair. You know I'm trying

Oh, they put some stitches in your penis head.

Oh, you are motherfucking Bic Mitchum! Rhythm.

Oh, you know what? Now that you mention it..

Oh! Gee!

Oh! Hi, there!

Oh. Nadia

Okay, I guess

Okay, listen. Maybe she's confused, or she has the jitters

Okay.

Okay. I have everything I need for the bridesmaids,

Old Doug town was teaching us all how to have fun

OTIS: Scuba diving the Great Barrier Reef.

OTIS: That dude looks familiar.

Our ball! Our ball! Our ball!

Pas Man's your favorite superhero even though

People love it. Is that a third testicle?

Please check the number and try your call again. (SIGHS)

Plus an additional three groomsmen

Plus expenses. You got it.

Pupil Jew Jew.

REGGIE: His dick is bleeding!

Remember your HW2's, your boomerangs,

Roger Delta Niner.

Señor, let's just relax. Get out of my way, you fairy

Seth, what about that weekend in Carlsbad Caverns?

She's going to find out soon enough. Oh, God.

Shit! No! She's on fire!

SPF 60?

Stop the car, you old dick!

Stuart's best friend to say a few words

Talk me through it, Doug!

That boxes you in, you boomerang it

That everyone I encounter as Bic are going to ask.

That family was sharp.

That was one of the biggest in the city.

That's a compliment.

That's a lot of quotes.

That's not our song.

That's okay. That's okay.

That's reality, Doug

That's something else to look at there. It's very pretty

The Asian has his dick out.

The moment Chris asked me to be his best man,

The next touchdown wins, guys.

The Norton Winchell. It's the imaginary friend covet

The only thing that gets hard is my nipples.

There would be gambling

This cannot be happening right now. I need you to fix this.

This is for Dougie!

This is my best man, Bic.

This isn't going to be long

This way! I've got the ball!

Those who are chosen to serve both,

Throw his ass in the truck!

Timothy! ♪ Let's do it

To balance out the bridesmaids.

To go on a cool guy trip with

To just have sex?

To make me feel the way that you have, Doug.

Too many moving parts. Too many things can go wrong.

Uh, I fear raccoons.

Uh...

Was a pretty lonely life. I don't want that life anymore

We can't be

We climbed the glaciers of what?

We still have more work to do.

Well, actually, it was Gretchen who said it.

What are you doing? Nothing

What are your phobias?

What if they start asking too many questions?

What is going on?

What kind of stuff do you sing?

What you want me to do? If I go out there,

What?

What? Nothing

What? Wait

What? Who's Angley?

What's my name? Jimmy.

What's your last name?

Where I participate in all the festivities for the weekend,

Where Jack tries to save Rose..

Why did you kick me in my balls?

Why don't we have a friendly game of two hand touch?

Why even make friends anymore?

With its goldia floral etching,

Wow, that is so weird

Yeah. Great stuff tonight

Yeah. In fact, he's not even in the Army.

Years ago.

Yo, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing?

You all look good

You are about to blow that back out.

You are backing yourself into a very tight corner.

You asked how a gal like Gretchen

You don't think I want that? Hmm?

You forgot what got you into this business in the first place

You have one week to know this information so well,

You have to hold on

You have to understand that. It doesn't matter

You look good, man.

You need seven groomsmen? I do.

You said the kitchen cabinets would be done by today.

You work in mysterious ways

You're also working on your first book called The Way of Wonder.

You're going to find the lyrics

You're going to suck it!

You're not my best friend. You're just my best man

Your ability to be a friend,

Your broken CD player repeated it over and over and over

20?

50 grand. Done.

200 grand out the door,

(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(AS BRIDE) What are you doing?

(BLOWS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CHUCKLES)

(CRYING) There's a dead dog on my dick

(FEEDBACK) That's not even the right way.

(GIRLS LAUGHING) I don't like being..

(GROANING CONTINUES)

(GROANING)

(GROANING) (CHEERING)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING) (SCREAMING)

(GUESTS CHEERING) ♪ Teach me how to dougie

(GUESTS LAUGHING) (LAUGHING)

(HORN BLARING) JIMMY: Fuck, Lou, stop!

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

(MAN LAUGHING)

(MOUTHS)

(MOUTHS) Damn it

(MUSIC STOPS) (GUESTS CHEERING)

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN WAILING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN) Oh, boy!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING)

(WHOOPING)

(YELLS) (ALL LAUGHING)

♪

♪

♪ And party and bullshit

♪ As she deceived me

♪ But I wanna know what your name is

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Can you break it on down?

♪ Can you do this? ♪ Yeah, I can do that

♪ Don't know if you gonna tell me

♪ Don't know if you gonna tell me

♪ Feel the shot Body rock

♪ Fill up my cup

♪ Go out and smash it

♪ Go out and smash it ♪ Smash it

♪ I know you think that you can groove

♪ I take a bad situation Gonna make it right

♪ I'm watching you, girl, watching me

♪ If you keep on shaking your hips

♪ Let's live it up

♪ Look at her dancing

♪ Now my vision is no longer hazy I'm very lucky to have my crew

♪ Teach me how to dougie

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good, good night

♪ To take me all the way

♪ Tonight's the night

♪ Well, the worst of times, now they don't phase me

♪ Whoo hoo ♪

♪ You got me right here

♪♪

♪ 'Cause he gonna dance when that music hit him

♪ Ain't no mountain high enough ♪

♪ All my women love me

♪ And bullshit And party and bullshit

♪ And party and bullshit

♪ And party and bullshit ♪

♪ But can you move the way I move? ♪

♪ But I wanna know what your name is

♪ I got my money

♪ If I fall back down

♪ Let's paint the town

♪ ****az wanna flex Who got the gat? ♪ Biggie

♪ ****az wanna front, who got your back? ♪ Biggie

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Teach me, teach me how to dougie

♪ Teach me, teach me how to dougie

♪ that I passed by her window

♪ We're looking for something dumb to do

♪ You put the weed in the coconut And light that shit up