Ali Wong: Don Wong Edit

A "ain't shit" magician.

A lot, you know?

A magician.

About cheating on my husband…

Actresses, and pop singers.

All for the probability that you most likely

All of her responsibilities,

All the interesting opportunities and deals knocking at her door,

All these women, they keep coming up to me…

All you need is a wet hole.

And a side piece.

And all of your responsibility in life.

And all women are very good

And ask your friends to buy you an Instant Pot.

And at the same time, it's so forgiving of men who cheat on their wives.

And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho,

And because he's Asian American, that he's some kind of softy,

And bitter

And fan dick

And fan pussy is so motivating

And for the past year and a half,

And has extremely good taste.

And he'll be like, "But I really want a PS5."

And his chest, and when the wind blew, oh my God,

And how ugly it is, how they're fighting for full custody of their kids.

And I almost sliced my hand off,

And I cannot wait to text screenshots of this to all my radiologist friends."

And I figured out that what caused that huge traffic jam was

And I have no recollection of shitting in Vancouver or in San Francisco.

And I have to say that as a working mother of two…

And I panicked. I was like, "I don't know if I can make it in this world on my own."

And I pulled down my pants,

And I raise my voice,

And I still don't understand what cryptocurrency is.

And I took a test, and it was negative.

And I want all of them to cum on my face.

And I want the gum that tastes like the erasers.

And I want you to degrade me until I go deaf and mute at the same time."

And I was so busy

And I was so nervous.

And I went back to my hotel that afternoon,

And I worked on it for 12 hours a day,

And I'm almost certain that there is some sort of mass,

And if we get divorced, he going to sell high.

And if you really want to keep it 100, you got to add the pepper grinding.

And in the movie,

And is so easy.

And it is wildly indicative of how terrified we women are

And it was so extreme to the point where I thought I was pregnant…

And it's a shame, you know?

And it's like, "Nah, dude. In the last 30 seconds,

And just walk around in down jackets all day like this.

And let me tell you something.

And listen to all of this unsolicited parenting advice

And most likely a tumor that's causing all of this blockage."

And my underwear…

And now I'm in monogamy jail, and I don't know how to get out.

And now it's lost with the dust bunnies."

And now that I'm the clear breadwinner,

And now the machine is shook, so…"

And put the duvet cover on the duvet?

And romantic and tenderoni in the beginning…

And say racist shit to me. Okay?"

And sew them into wigs for his antique doll collection.

And she I saw her look at the results,

And she said to me,

And she was like, "Yes, it is true that the whole point of a CT scan

And she went like this.

And so she thinks it's okay to come home and boss me around."

And so then she ordered a CT scan, and the results came back.

And squirt into your nose hole. You don't like it?"

And starred in as the lead.

And start fingering myself over his face, you know?

And stick your $40,000 a year dick in her mouth…

And stomp on all her vegetables?

And that, single people,

And that's my husband, straight up.

And that's why every women's public restroom

And that's why I'm trying to let all of you know now…

And the audience is meant to be left in suspense.

And the wait lists and the ports are all full."

And then all of a sudden,

And then I'll be like… [growling] Ooh…

And then it turned out that my colon was perfectly healthy,

And then it's an emergency.

And then like an idiot, I asked this dude to ask me to go to prison.

And then my OBGYN became very concerned

And then on top of that, the dude got to have skills.

And then out of that pool,

And then she turns to me and says,

And then these women, they keep telling me about their battle

And then they become obsessed with dried jujubes

And then you celebrate me."

And then you tell me what to do,

And then your other assignment

And they go on this fake ass journey looking at three different houses,

And they'll really turn on you because they feel betrayed,

And thinking to themselves, "I want to fuck her…"

And toy cellphones.

And we all hope that he marries her one day.

And we spent one Sunday morning

And when I do, it's only to see if Sanrio, the owners of Hello Kitty,

And whenever we get into an argument

And while shooting, all of my girlfriends kept on asking me,

And you see him from this very unflattering angle

And you're like, "Okay, I'm bleeding and, um…"

And… you straight up just don't listen,

Any man watching me, listening to what I have to say,

Any ounce of mainstream success in comedy,

Are my brother and my dad. That's it.

As, like, a 39 year old woman with two C section scars,

At being extremely unpleasant…

At the most inconvenient time of the day.

Barbara, she don't got money, power, or respect.

Beautiful, gorgeous women, through the DMs.

Because fan pussy is young and sexy and exciting.

Because he's too busy

Because I could feel his 29 year old dick getting hard up against my spine.

Because I think

Because it runs in my family.

Because it was the first movie I had ever co written

Because it's so nasty

Because out of all the things

Because she's an immigrant woman who was born in 1940.

Because their culture is mucho más mejor.

Because then a bunch of women wouldn't be available

Because they know you can't tell that kind of woman what to do.

Because you didn't make a promise

Because you need her for babysitting.

Between fan pussy and fan dick.

But a lot of dudes, they fuck that timing up, right?

But as an Asian woman, I'm gonna live until I'm 95 years old.

But Barbara is a woman,

But for me, you know,

But have you ejaculated onto a great American mind?

But he called me up earlier this week and he was like, "You know, Auntie Ali,

But is he at least, like, a good magician?"

But it would be very threatening

But most importantly, he gives me permission

But no.

But no.

But no. None of you,

But now,

But people think it's so difficult for my husband

But she was like, "No, that's bad."

But that's all I want to do.

But the lasers couldn't penetrate the Great Wall of Shit that's inside you."

But then at some point, you gots to go,

But then when you get cummed on on the face,

But what I didn't know was that right before the procedure,

But when you feel that first turtle head peek out,

But you have to tell the lies

But you know,

Butchering 18 raw chickens.

By a woman that makes a lot more money than you.

By chasing your wife and kids out of the bathroom

By women with money, power, and respect.

Changed my life.

Child abuse is illegal!

Come on!

Direct messaging.

Do you know anybody who doesn't know anybody?

Do you know how much more successful I would be if I had a wife?

Es la verdad, okay? It is.

Especially if you're a mom.

Even half custody sounds like American Horror Story.

Every day for six weeks straight,

Every day, I was in his ear…

Every morning to summon the shit?

Fan dick is not interested in showing me a good time.

Fan dick wants to trim my pubes

Fan pussy is a great reward for doing stand up comedy.

Fast forward to seven years later,

Finally turn into an owl.

First of all, how many female, self made millionaires are there to begin with?

Fit this football field of doo doo inside of her body."

For new underwear.

For women, no matter how much money, power, or respect you earn,

From this woman who neglected the shit out of you…

Generally, our society is very unforgiving

Had chronic acne and no money.

Harvard Business School.

Has turned me into a 50 year old man.

Has your sperm swam in the eyes of an icon?

Have finally contacted me to offer sponsorship.

Have met the entire cast of The Avengers.

Have never, ever had your dick sucked by a woman

Have you been deep throated by a voice of a generation?

Having two C sections and being the breadwinner of my family

He bought low.

He doesn't give a shit about what I say on stage

He don't choke me like he used to.

He gotta have great timing.

He gotta know how to come in real slow and soft

He had his arms wrapped around me,

He introduced me to mushrooms and ayahuasca,

He is a motherfucker.

He looking down at you, you looking up at him,

He proposed, we got married.

He speaks three different languages.

He was smart enough to choose me,

He was so ripped, you could see everything.

He went to Carnegie Mellon,

He'll look me in the eye and say to me,

He'll most likely die when he's 85.

He's He's very handsome, he's very sexy, he's very much my type.

He's a Fulbright scholar.

He's also my drug dealer.

He's so good looking, he's so interesting.

Her world is a lot smaller than mine.

Hi, everybody!

House Hunters is a show on HGTV

How could you, when you sit on the toilet and have your sacred ritual

How do you feel about your wife Ali going up on stage

How many of them gonna let you cum on their face?

I all of a sudden got extremely bloated over a very short period of time.

I bet most men in this theater

I can't let go of my husband, you know?

I can't let him get away with that!

I can't lose that Shaman connect, you know?

I can't, you know?

I did not feel violated.

I did.

I do.

I don't deserve to cum when the Dow Jones is down 500 points

I don't just want equal pay,

I don't understand how this tiny Vietnamese mom

I felt victorious.

I got both of those things.

I had a colonoscopy a couple years ago.

I have a very specific type.

I have never, ever wanted to date a man that was chill.

I haven't done it yet.

I just straight up forgot.

I know exactly why

I know that I can make it on my own.

I know, it's like, who wrote this thing, right? Like…

I like dudes who look as close to Keanu Reeves as possible.

I like Fabuloso, okay?

I like squeezing lime juice on everything.

I like storing my pots and pans in the oven.

I looked that dude up on Yelp, he got two stars.

I love

I mean, you really think about it, that is some nutty ass shit

I need you to put me in a headlock

I never check my DMs.

I think another reason why a lot of women are hesitant to cheat

I think I'd be a great fit, and I want all of that shit.

I think I'm going through a mid life crisis. [laughs]

I think I'mma break up with her."

I think that what happened was, at the time,

I took a little fun dip in there,

I want equal pleasure.

I want the erasers that smell like the gum.

I want the Gudetama pajamas.

I want to be part of your Telemundo, okay?

I want to fuck other people now…

I want to have a family, a career,

I want you to really listen to me and understand this and believe me,

I was like, "I want another colonoscopy."

I was like, "Oh my God, I am so powerful."

I was like, "Oh my God, I still got it! I still got it! I still got it!"

I was like, "Oh."

I was like, "Okay, you know, no judgment, girl,

I was like, "Why? You guys just did a CT scan."

I was really struggling.

I, on the other hand,

I'd be like, "What the fuck am I doing?"

I'd be like, "Yeah, I could do that."

I'll be like, "Harder, come on, harder, harder!"

I'm almost 40, so I have all these, like, acquaintances getting divorced right now.

I'm like the Little Mermaid.

I'm like, "No, I sucked dick last night."

I'm like, "Why?"

I'm like, "You're an annoying woman, but…"

I'm not all of a sudden going to leap onto his neck

I'm the one leaning in while he is lying down.

I've been Ali Wong, have a good night, everybody.

I've been saying this about Mexican people and Mexican culture for a long time.

I've been with the same dude for the last ten years.

I've seen, like, 70 men jack off in my lifetime.

If a man is not performing at the caliber I need him to perform at,

If all women wanted and felt like they deserved that,

If she got the skills to earn money, power, and respect,

If you don't understand the supply and demand metaphor,

If you ever had the opportunity to get your dick sucked

In fact, I don't think any of us women should be faking orgasms anymore.

In front of all of these strangers,

In front of your grandma and all your coworkers

In our society,

In the world.

In, like, a consensual way, of course.

Instead, the shit comes to us

Into your generous, loving, self sacrificing soul.

Is because it's too high stakes

Is frightening.

Is that my body still produces pussy juice, people.

Is the most important quality to find in a man.

Is to make an enthusiastic expression.

Is to not laugh…

Is to see inside of your body,

Is what a healthy marriage looks like, okay?

It could've sealed up all the holes in my underwear like Gorilla Glue, it was…

It is so easy, especially when you compare it to sucking dick,

It is so upsetting

It is ten times harder to find a decent husband

It is.

It was crazy. My My wish came true.

It was luxurious.

It was quality.

It was this 29 year old Persian dude who had tattoos all over his arms

It'd be such a shame to go through all that trouble of cheating

It's a design flaw.

It's a mystery to me why Hello Kitty

It's all because of fan pussy.

It's always an emergency when a woman finally takes a shit,

It's highly unlikely that any man in here…

It's like,

It's so annoying.

It's so easy for a man to cum.

It's these dudes who always have zero followers.

It's too contrary to your wholesome, loving image.

It's too high stakes if I die.

It's too late. It's too late!

It's very disturbing, this disparity in quality

It's whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay?

Jacking off to porn that he streams

Just looks like wardrobe from Les Miserables, okay?

Like an Indiana Jones suspension bridge,

Like Braveheart coming over the hill, just…

Like how you are one of the best stand up comedians?"

Like you single people, I, too, was once free, okay?

Like, "Oh! Oh, you have erectile dysfunction?"

Like, I was eating cough drops for dessert.

Living the life I wanted for myself.

Looked like the bottom of a bird cage.

Looks like a post apocalyptic zombie nightmare…

Lot of my male stand up comic friends be hooking up with women,

Men are so much more incentivized to cheat because

Men love to jerk off in front of women all the time.

Men love to show you their masturbation practice.

Men, you never forget to take a shit ever.

Monogamy made sense when we lived until we were 40 years old.

Move to another city and never see their stupid face again.

My character hooks up with three different, very good looking,

My DMs are full of these Silence of the Lambs motherfuckers.

My future in comedy was looking very uncertain, you know?

My goodness, she she is so smart and interesting,

My husband and I are the same age.

My husband is at home in the house that I bought…

My husband's so smart.

My life has changed dramatically in the past seven years.

My long ass pandemic pubes over your forehead

My mom doesn't understand,

My nephew is 25 years old, and he is dating this architect.

Necesito más.

Newsflash, it's not enough.

Nobody else wanted this pussy,

Not a single man in here knows what it's like

Not because I'm a good person,

Nothing more satisfying to a woman

Now, I am told it's because men are threatened

Of offending a man,

Of wanting to fool around outside of your marriage,

Of women who cheat on their husbands,

Okay? And it was good pussy juice too.

On the high speed internet I pay for every month.

On the report, the radiologist wrote,

Once you get married and have kids,

One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand up comics

Only because no worthy opportunity has presented itself.

Only danger and punishment.

Only other married people with kids can empathize

Or lick my pussy.

Or onstage taping our third Netflix special. [chuckles]

Or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed

People don't like it when women cheat, you know,

People like to assume that because my husband is very spiritual

People will come to his defense and say,

Please welcome to the stage Ali Wong!

Pointing you straight to the kingdom of heaven.

Present day, I'm like,

Pretends that there's a decision to be made together.

Pungent but not too dank, it was… Mwah!

Right up against my back.

See, because when you are a woman with money, power, and respect,

See, the pussy can fake a orgasm, but the dick don't lie.

Seven years ago, I pressured the shit out of my then boyfriend to propose to me.

She can't relate to these feelings

She chose to get on her knees

She's been dating

So all my underwear looks like it's been snacked on by rats.

So between 85 and 95 is

So flattered, so blessed and highly favored,

So I got time to go to Target and get that sweet five for 20 Xhilaration panty deal.

So I kind of want to just be on my own.

So if you haven't seen the movie, it's a romantic comedy…

So if you told me that I had to do this shit for another year,

So in addition to all of that labor…

So in addition to being my husband,

So in order for a woman to cum, all this shit has to align, right?

So instead you just passively aggressively take it

So my husband, he's all of these wonderful things, right?

So that I don't end up homeless."

So that you don't abandon me

So that you're not shocked or surprised,

So the crotch area hangs about five inches below my actual pussy,

So then a a GI specialist was called in,

So you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance, okay?

So, he always tells me…

Some loving, devoted woman by my side

Somehow money, power, and respect will earn a man the right to cheat.

Something like that would never happen to a man.

Successful, and charismatic,

Suck the poo poo back up

Sure, you've gotten head.

Talking about how much she wants to cheat on you?"

Than it is to find a great wife.

Than travel to the trash,

That having it all was limited to having a family and a career.

That I forgot to take a shit…

That I was showing symptoms of ovarian cancer,

That I'm I'm clearly alarmed by what I see here."

That is a superpower that we evolved

That is some 50 year old man shit right there.

That is statistically probable.

That makes a lot more money than you.

That she is responsible for.

That shit was like the "Unchained Melody" scene from Ghost…

That shit's gonna happen to you no matter what."

That somebody reveals a personality trait that you don't like…

That wasn't passed down to you from your mother.

That we women do.

That we would rather fake an orgasm than simply say…

That when a man finds

That's a quality in a partner that they seek out and brag about.

That's a skill that you taught yourself.

That's how taboo it is for women to cheat on their husbands.

That's not even a joke, okay?

That's what being one of the best female stand up comics will achieve you.

That's why I don't see more women doing stand up.

The elastic? Gone. Gone!

The greatest trick women ever played on ourselves

The lies will set you free!

The lighting,

The movie shot in Vancouver and in San Francisco,

The only men my mother has ever had an actual conversation with

The only word I've ever heard is sancho,

The summer before, I was shooting this movie called Always Be My Maybe.

Their tattooed eyebrows turn green and shit.

Then when a man goes through a sudden and extreme transformation

There is all of this performing and pretending involved.

There is no reward,

There is no word for a male mistress.

There is still supply, given that there is fresh demand, okay?

There's a disproportionate amount of men that do stand up.

There's three of us, okay?

There's too many factors.

There's too much shit that has to align.

These poor, naive women who get dickmatized when they laugh.

They always ask him, "Oh my God,

They come out the gates guns blazing,

They decline!

They don't even offer to take me out to dinner

They don't like women with money, power, and respect,

They get to date models,

They give you propofol.

They go bald, and then the few strands that are left, they perm the shit out of

They just threaten to decapitate me if I don't let them smell my feet.

They maintain this whole, like, candlelit, walk on the beach energy…

This important woman could be doing with her valuable time…

Those skills transfer.

To a person like me.

To be myself.

To compensate for our lack of earning potential.

To cum on the face of a millionaire.

To do something so simple as giving me permission to be myself.

To eat a cold quesadilla…

To end up having to fake an orgasm.

To fucking the food consultant.

To get cummed on, on the face.

To helping their husbands make their lives as easy as possible.

To invest in me,

To make it more Jhirmack "bounce back."

To make the man cum faster.

To put your family, your reputation,

To see what's going on in there."

To sit there every morning at the same time to summon the shit.

Uh, he all possessed by the Holy Spirit.

Uh, that shit tasted like LaCroix Pamplemousse.

Uh, the reality is, I need my husband way more than he needs me.

Until we get what we fucking deserve, okay?

Up your ass."

Very difficult to make a woman, especially a new woman, cum.

Very iconic,

Very sexy Asian American men.

Viscous but not too pasty.

Was making us believe

We bought a house, had two kids.

We call them chuckle fuckers.

We have too much guilt and shame

Well, any, uh, straight man in here…

What do you think is going to happen to you, huh?

What had happened was

What I'm trying to tell you

What that translates to is,

When I saw that in my underwear, when I saw those loogies,

When I was 20 pounds heavier,

When I woke up from the colonoscopy,

When I'm morally allowed to fuck other people again.

When the radiologist writes "The results are remarkable,"

When the truth is he got this backbone made of pure, solid steel.

When we're in the middle of a meeting,

When you see the TMZ video of my face getting fire hosed by Michael B. Jordan…

When your wife and kids need you and the bathroom the most.

Whenever I get a deep tissue massage, the masseuse is always like,

Where a couple

Where he got that that Jabba the Hutt double chin, you know?

Where houses cost $5,000 an acre…

Where not to put it, how fast, how slow,

Which is basically a blind date that your toddler sets you up on…

Which is so physically taxing. All the… [imitates gagging]

Which perhaps, for a wild, untamable spirit,

Which, to me, seems like the radiologist gave me an A++.

While you repeat to yourself over and over that

Who bought a bunch of fruit besides bananas?

Whoo!

Whose idea was this?

Why wouldn't it be?

Will not have an orgasm.

With the deep envy I feel towards you single people, okay?

With the stank of your selfish ass shit!

Women, we don't do that, okay?

Yeah, I don't even know who the other two are.

Yeah, I'm 39 right now,

Yeah, it was a it was this big ass deal

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yes, because Mexican women cheat on their husbands,

Yes. Sí se puede, con permiso, let me in. Come on.

You You don't know how free you are.

You are full of shit."

You are never allowed to behave badly and get away with it.

You better give me two weeks' notice, okay?

You can eat an edible at 2:00 p.m…

You can just go with what's in your pockets.

You can't be all up in your head about the global supply chain being backed up.

You can't tell any woman what to do,

You could see it all, you know?

You could see the King's Hawaiian…

You didn't fuse your DNA to create human life that will forever ask you,

You don't gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish,

You don't have ovarian cancer, okay?"

You don't have to smile

You don't think she got good pattern recognition?

You gonna hook up with one of your costars?"

You gotta squeeze your butt cheeks in,

You have to tell all of these lies.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know, as as much as I would love to cheat on my husband…

You know, I came this close

You know, I'm very jealous

You know, right now while we're all here,

You should feel so lucky,

You single people, if you're romantically involved with somebody,

You single people, you don't have to be nice to your mother

You single people, you don't have to go on a playdate,

You single people, you don't know what it's like

You sit there at the most crucial time of the day,

You sit there from 8:00 a.m. to 8:30 a.m.

You sit there with all of your reading materials,

You taught yourself to do that shit out of survival.

You think Ellen gonna let you cum on her face?

You think Oprah gonna let you go to Montecito

You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover?

You want to cheat with me?

You want to fuck around with me?

You want to fuck around with me? Let me know,

You're going to cum no matter what.

You're too scared to ask your wife for alone time,

Young men in particular,

Young men want a woman that's chill.

Your iPad battery just burning up the sperm in your balls.

Your life as you know it on the line,

Your only job as the woman

Your romantic options do not expand.

Your wife gonna boss you around."

…and then get real ****y by the end. [crowd laughing loudly]

…every five minutes. [crowd laughs]

…while I chant, "Wakanda forever!" [crowd laughing, applauding]

"She's chill." [crowd laughs]

"This is so not awesome." [crowd laughs]

"Yeah, you go ahead, you know, you…" [crowd laughing]

["Hold On" by En Vogue plays] [crowd cheering loudly]

[chuckles] [crowd laughing, whooping]

[crowd applauding, cheering] It is.

[crowd applauding] Ever.

[crowd cheering] Oh, thank you. [chuckles]

[crowd cheers, applauds] Yeah.

[crowd laughing] …you could see the cum gutters

[crowd laughing] "It's no big deal."

[crowd laughing] "Yeah."

[crowd laughing] I felt that biology and that truth

[crowd laughing] The choking, the eyes watering.

[crowd laughing] You sit there to avoid reality

[crowd laughs] [chuckles]

[crowd laughs] [clicks tongue]

[crowd laughs] [mouthing] Oh, my God.

[crowd laughs] It was.

[gasps] [crowd laughs]

[grunting rapidly] [crowd laughing]

[in shrill voice] "Where's Daddy?" [crowd laughing]

[laughs] [applause]

[laughter continues] [exhales]

[sighs heavily] [crowd continues laughing]

[woman cheers] [laughter continues]

♪ If you love me ♪ Say it ♪

♪ If you love me ♪ Say it ♪

♪ If you need me ♪ Prove it ♪

♪ If you trust me ♪ Do it ♪

♪ If you trust me ♪ Do it ♪

♪ If you want me ♪ Show it ♪

♪ If you want me ♪ Show it ♪

♪ Prove it ♪ [song fades]

but I had to make up these fairy tales… [crowd laughing]

hasn't contacted me yet, you know? [crowd applauds loudly]

Huh? [crowd laughs]

Huh? Huh? [crowd laughs]

I don't think so! [crowd laughing, applauding]

I like hickeys. I love hickeys. [crowd laughing]

I want all of that shit. [crowd laughs]

I want to have it all. [crowd laughs]

I've ever had in my mouth." [crowd laughs]

It is spectacular, okay? [crowd laughs]

It was so sad. [crowd laughs]

It was sparkly and glistening. [crowd laughs]

It's so fucking annoying, you know? [crowd laughs]

like a hammock in the Blue Bayou, okay? [crowd laughing]

Like a tattered sail of a pirate ship. [crowd laughing]

Merona, whatever's on sale. [women laughing]

Thank you! [crowd cheering loudly]

Thank you. Thank you. [crowd cheers]

the temperature… [crowd laughs]

Who can cum in times like these? [crowd laughing]

Yeah. [crowd cheers loudly]

Yeah. [woman cheers]

Yeah. No more faking orgasms. [crowd cheering, applauding]

Yes. [crowd cheering]

You don't even need that! [crowd laughs]

you know, so…" [crowd laughs]

…and holding your happiness and self esteem hostage

…because it's easier to put it in your mouth

…because you want time to yourself to binge Bridgerton to feel alive again.

…before I metamorphosize into a nut sack with a visor.

…but with salmonella.

…for six weeks.

…getting to take a drug induced nap for an hour…

…go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth.

…I cannot afford to get a divorce.

…in your Toyota Yaris.

…is a raging psychopath.

…knows what it's like to cum on the face of a millionaire.

…telling time on the Rolex I got him for Father's Day…

…that I'm a real piece of shit, okay?

…that your toddler threw on the floor…

…the news.

…throughout the entire course of the sex,

…to add pizzazz to the ultimatum, you know?

…was well worth having a news crew up my butt.

…where I play a celebrity chef who falls back in love with her childhood friend.

…where there is blood on the walls and pizza on the record player.

…while this grown ass man is straddling your rib cage,

…with some bitch you have zero chemistry with.

…you could just leave.

'Cause at the age of 75 is when Asian women

'Cause chill don't pay the bills.

'Cause you gotta give me time to go shopping

"…I do believe that it's slim pickings out there, you know?

"…think you rubbed my clit off onto the floor,

"…we're going to have to stick a camera

"And I feel like I've really tried to tell you where to put it,

"And then you give me permission to be myself,

"And then, um…"

"And they just ricocheted and bounced back into the machine,

"And you would know that if you watched House Hunters."

"But, you know, I I have to admit

"Come on, what's up?"

"Everybody wants this pussy."

"He is so awesome, he deserves to cheat."

"Hey, I just want to go home."

"I I know exactly who you are."

"I am a wizard! I'm a blood bender! I could be in Avatar."

"I can rub it out to Aquaman for another year, it's fine."

"I changed density, motherfucker, what!"

"I don't know why I did that."

"I have never seen this in my 30 years as a radiologist,

"I love sucking your cock. It makes my pussy so wet."

"I'd really like to just go back to my house and fold clothes."

"I'm not gonna wait forever!"

"Is he, like, the best magician

"It's all sold out,

"Just Let me just Let me just dangle my pubes,

"Just look at me, look at me, Mommy, watch me, pay attention, look at me!"

"Let's go, Appa. Let's go find Zuko and make out! Let's go!"

"Miss Wong, I am so sorry that I gasped in front of your face."

"Mortal Kombat!"

"No problem. I got it."

"None of these men can handle me, a strong woman."

"None of these men want a strong woman."

"Now I can't look to the left."

"Oh my goodness,

"Oh, how could he be expected to resist all of that fan pussy?"

"Oh, I'mma suck your dick."

"Oh, this is the biggest dick

"Oh, you don't talk to me like that."

"Okay, Ali, uh, on the DL,

"Okay, Ali, um…"

"Please do not talk about how I just did that on stage."

"She doesn't give a fuck about what I do 'cause she's chill."

"She lets me do whatever I want 'cause she's dead inside."

"She's like a corpse with tits. It's awesome. She's chill."

"She's so chill."

"So I better trap this dude who graduated from Harvard Business School

"So we're going to have to perform a colonoscopy

"Stop giggling, Ali, stop it. This is serious, okay?"

"That was so unprofessional of me."

"The bad news is that, Ali,

"The results are remarkable."

"Ugh, Ali, it is so difficult dating out there for a divorced woman."

"Well,

"Well, uh, you you know, the good news is that, uh,

"When are you gonna ask me to marry you, huh? Huh?"

"Whether she a boss, whether she employed or unemployed,

"Which house are they gonna choose?"

"Who cares? Who's gonna believe you, you young, powerless boy?"

"Whoa! Do you sit and work at a computer all day?"

"Yeah, because she's a boss at work,

"Yeah, I want my eyebrows to fly off my face,

"You are backed up well into your small intestine,

"You gotta shape shift, bro."

"You put me in my place again."

"Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!"

["If You Love Me" by Brownstone plays]

[Ali chuckles]

[Ali chuckles]

[Ali clicks tongue]

[Ali] Yeah.

[applause and cheers continue]

[cheering fades]