Tuca & Bertie (2019) - Season 3 Edit

A baby could do a better job.

A big kiss.

A promotion already?

A real fixer upper

A whole tour group in here

Aah!

Accept your proposal.

Actually, I was here getting some tests, trying to figure out

Ah, it's okay

Ah, ooh, I'm healing you.

Ah, ready for my ribbon cutting?

Ah, sweetie.

Ah, you got me

Ahoy! If you look yonder,

All of you are experts on all these individual parts,

All of you have terrible bedside manners,

All right, get out.

All right, yeah

All the tests came back normal or inconclusive.

All you can see are the doors closing.

Also, here's your phone back.

Also, I will be giving all of you haircuts later.

Also, one of the duck boats is real sick,

Am I actually in bed peeing tiny little drops of pee?

Am I intrigued by how he would transform me?

An extra hour for my lunch break

An integrative holistic healer?

And a few first timers

And build a (bleep) tree house in your head.

And connect all the parts?

And feel just a little bit better, you know?

And he's a natural redhead.

And I don't think I'm baby.

And I like you. You're good

And I might be stuck on it for the rest of my life

And I'm sure their lawyers will

And if you let me down,

And it's gonna take me a long time to get out.

And just tell me what's wrong with me!

And my "showoff y ovaries."

And no one should trust me.

And none of you should be doctors.

And pretend to be her.

And shelf stable, room temperature cakes

And then I'm going to have all my babies

And then serve them as a garnish...

And they approved my bid for an apartment complex

And tomorrow night I'm being honored at the architects' gala.

And you all are extremely talented vocalists.

And you did, and now that you know what that's like,

And you just disappeared. I mean, who does that?

And you used to work for... Pastry pete

And you were born to suffer.

And you're a gal a who has a

Any actual virgins?

Anyways, I staked my whole future

Anyways, let's talk more about things going in and out.

Are feeling good or bad

Are the hats part of it?

Are you bertie songthrush?

Are you gonna take off that costume now?

Are you okay?

Aren't you supposed to be at work?

As if! I depend on you, tuca.

As your queen, I command you all

Ask me personal questions about myself

At least you look as hot as a steering wheel in July

Auntie, I feel all twisted up inside.

Auntie, you don't make any sense.

Automated voice: Congratulations, you have won a great prize

Aw, we could try a naturopath.

Aw.

Aw. Tuca would love pizza.

Bake till my booties quake

Barky boy.

Based on what you've told me about bertie

Because I kind of feel like this one,

Because now everyone thinks they're the queen.

Because she has too much grace, but... Get bent.

Because when life gives you lemons,

Before beginning construction

Before he definitely fires me

Being sick is so boring.

Bertie, are you serious?! You know what this means?!

Bertie, blink twice if this lady sucks

Bertie, good news

Bertie, I am...

Bertie, I don't need a doctor anymore.

Bertie, it took me a long time to get into character,

Bertie, no. I don't want to go.

Bertie, quickly, escape while you still can.

Bertie, we've been friends for over a decade.

Bertie: So...

Bertie: Tuca, it's me.

Between 12 and 18, but that's not why I'm here today.

Blend with ice, soda, no alcohol

Boss, what are you doing here?

Built in 1919,

But at least I gave chef winter garcia's

But can we go another time?

But have you thought about losing ten pounds?

But he's wearing a hat that says "I'm baby,"

But here is an open door.

But how?

But I can explain it in a nice way

But I feel allergic to my own hormones.

But I want my job back

But I want to be honest with you

But I would love to see your place when you're done.

But I'm in your neighborhood.

But if you want to pull the ladder up behind you,

But like a soufflé in a pizza oven,

But maybe you could try following the frosting pattern.

But my body is a galaxy, not just one planet.

But no god would make such a beast.

But that's just what I do I'm tuca!

But that's okay, it's okay

But the berries were purple

But the flood washed all that hard work away

But then you said, "worth it"?

But we already have a caterer booked.

But why does it hurt so bad?

But you could have also gone almond

But, hey, now you've started your own bakery

But, okay, we'll double it

But, well, I I always wanted to run my own bakery.

By saying no to any good stuff that comes your way

By taking him out of the water

Can I get bangs?

Can I make you a tea?

Can you believe people used to live like this?

Can you just give me a referral to a gyno?

Can you just talk to each other?

Can you show me what your pain level has been like

Carrying this casserole dish

Catch up to your family, blue beads.

Celebrating you, I'm sure they'd be interested

Chef winter garcia.

Chestnut extract did enhance the flavor

Chew up your knowledge and spit it

Choose a horse, and you can ride it for your entire visit.

Come on, guys, this way.

Come on, I I gave you my phone number minutes ago

Congratulations, you have won a great prize

Consider this the bang boat.

Cookie who's still in the process of finding itself.

Cute beret, though.

Damn, so heckin' wise.

Damn, that's messed up.

Dedicated to affordable housing

Do it, speckle. Do the nepotism

Do you have a beach towel and a shop vac?

Do you still want to go to the salon

Do you think I'm not doing great?

Do you want me to do the thing where I put my hands

Do your own thing!

Don't do that.

Don't follow me!

Don't get hemmed in by the dreams you had in your 20s.

Don't look at your text history.

Don't worry

Don't you hate how the pain is so bad, you barf... (shouts)

Don't you want to wait to see if I drown any tourists?

Double blow off, baby!

Down my hot throat like I'm your baby bird.

Eh, tourists

Error I personally called you several times

Especially if she's been painting all day.

Ever since our queen died, this whole hive

Every part of you put together, no matter whether those parts

Everyone knows ducks are pack animals!

Everyone's leveling up around me.

Ew! Why would you think this is what horseville is?

Ew. You know I don't really do that, right?

Extra silly

Figgy wants to take me to horseville.

Figgy: Anyways, I can see you're busy.

Figgy: Hey, tooks,

Figgy: Hey, tooks, I saw something that reminded me of you.

Figgy: Hey, tooks.

Figgy: I've been thinking about

Figgy: Okay, love you. (howling)

Figgy: Tooks, remember that time you ate the entire bag

Figgy: You're actually the first non plant person

Finish late, my greatest flaw is I'm a "birdfectionist"!

For a few days or weeks until it comes back.

For emerging female talent

For now, enjoy the party.

For someone better positioned for this role

For the first time, I thought maybe I could find an answer

Forget about georgette!

Forward, forward, side, ha!

Forward, forward, side, ha!

From that time a bus ran over my dingus?

Georgette?

Get it? Bee headed?

Get up here and give me

Get used to it, doll.

Ghosts happen, bertie

God, she sucked so bad

Good for you trying to take care of yourself.

Good morning, sweety tooks.

Great, I'm hired

Great, we'll get to work soon.

Great.

Guys, when you find a basket like tuca,

Ha har!

Ha! Let's go pre spend all the money I'm gonna make

Has suffered colony collapse.

Have a good day at work. Love you.

Have fun out there. Enjoy the tour, everyone.

Have you ever been to another city before?

Have you ever been to horseville?

He seems kind of awesome.

He's gonna fire me any minute now,

He's kidding.

Heart emoji, tuca.

Hello, everyone. My name is...

Hello, my sweet, sweetie, sweet...

Hello, we're with the internal revenue service.

Hello? Are you gonna tell us about more stuff?

Hello? Hello? Why do they always hang up on me?

Help me! Falling in love

Her tours make zero sense, and the tourists love it

Here, play this baking game

Hey, auntie.

Hey, bertie, I was just..

Hey, don't worry.

Hey, everyone

Hey, how'd it go?

Hey, I was thinking,

Hey, I'm so glad tuca could make it.

Hey, that thing I said earlier about you being

Hey, those tents are unsightly!

Hey, tyler, thanks for...

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey!

Hmm

Hmm, that's not really..

Hold on just un momento, por favor.

Holding you back from doing stuff you want to do?

Horseville?

Horseville. Ouch!

How could you do that to tuca?

How did you know?

How much I value customers like you and..

How much you love 'em.

How old is too old to be into boy bands?

How should bertie resolve her mommy issues?

How'd you get your product

How's he gonna get out of this one?

Hr forbidden workplace behavior.

Huh.

Hurry, hurry.

I accept the consequences of my actions

I agree. Says me, tuca.

I almost totally beefed it on catering this party

I also get these stabbing pains in my bootyhole.

I am figgy.

I asked you to file that business tax thing this morning

I bet he'll be really cool with it.

I can even use the toilet in front of you,

I can immediately see what's going on here

I can picture it, and it's so beautiful, bertie.

I can tell he wants to give me a ruthless makeover.

I can't move, bertie.

I can't wait for him to meet me.

I can't. Uh, I have to, um...

I do all my pee pee poo poos out of one hole.

I don't care.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know.

I don't, but, tuca, he seems like a great guy.

I drink a lot

I even had to take a sexual harassment course.

I feel like that came out sounding wrong.

I feel like that's what tuca would have said.

I feel stuck.

I feel too sick to go to horseville this weekend,

I freakin' got it.

I gave up on finding an answer long, long ago.

I got to take some bigger swings

I guess everyone here just wants to network

I guess I don't get that double promotion anymore, do I?

I guess you're my only attendee today.

I hate doctors.

I have health insurance now. I can eat the glue.

I have no questions.

I have the same affliction, darling.

I have this cyclical, chronic thing that flares up

I have to finish up getting ready

I have to spit it out, or else I'd live

I have to stop myself from putting it in my mouth.

I have tons of experience, I show up early,

I helped him write that part of his speech.

I I didn't know there would be

I I feel like I have no business baking.

I I'm covered in paint.

I I'm gonna fix it

I just got a few more specialists to see,

I just really like you.

I just took out a huge loan to buy five more duck boats.

I just want to know what to do.

I keep doing it wilder and stupider,

I knew it! Y'all want to collect my liquid gold right away.

I knew this would happen

I know I messed everything up today

I know what happens when a ribbon isn't cut

I know you didn't study for that test.

I know you drink. It's not a big deal

I know you're busy repainting your apartment,

I learned nothing, bertie.

I let everyone down just like I always do

I like all of you

I like caring for other people, you know?

I love flying thousands of miles

I love it. Get it for me.

I mean, if you had your own gala

I mean, not "if

I must warn you, it'll be extremely painful for me

I named her myself.

I need a smart cookie to help come up with new pastry ideas

I need to go. I'll text you!

I need you to go upstairs to tuca's apartment

I never got any explanation other than my "mean uterus"

I only have a cloaca.

I only have one week a month

I ordered a blueberry muffin,

I prefer my humor to be much more sophisticated

I promised the investors tasty treats!

I really want to go

I really want to go.

I saw you spit it out

I see a lot of returning faces

I should go say hi

I specifically told you not to be around right now

I swear. I'd make a great mentor

I think it does hurt. It's very harmful.

I think she's going through some stuff right now.

I thought this was a pep talk for me

I thought you hated what I did

I thought you wanted to hold the door open

I want to climb up you and eat all your fruit

I want to watch you go.

I was going to cheat, I swear.

I was just trying to be fun and impulsive, like you.

I will take that job

I...

I'll butt chug celery juice at every meal.

I'll let you play with this glue.

I'll start around 10:00 ish, and I need

I'll try anything.

I'm a pastry expert

I'm afraid we're expanding too fast

I'm catering a gala in..

I'm distracted because I'm unreliable,

I'm easy. And serve with a silly straw

I'm excited that you're excited about this thing

I'm feeling more "I'm baby" hat than sombrero,

I'm gonna do a side, side, forward

I'm just listing my baking business on the yack app.

I'm late.

I'm looking to do more hands on baking

I'm ruined.

I'm so fancy.

I'm so glad you called so I can explain

I'm sorry I abandoned the tourists on a boat

I'm sorry? (stammers)

I'm spending so much energy baking my business,

I'm stuck here in the dirt. I can't move.

I'm terrible

I'm tuca.

I'm willing to give you another chance

I've eaten your work

I've ever dated.

I've got a drummer, a guy on bass and a flautist.

I've had it! Enough!

I've lost the thread on which one of us

I've seen a urologist, a neurologist, a cloacologist.

If I want to get anywhere with my business, speckle.

If I'm a c corp or a b corp.

If you have any follow up questions,

If you know what I mean.

If you let me make an appointment,

If you look closely, his flute is just a smaller hot dog.

If you really want

If you work for me, I need you to be all in.

In a way, I've also eaten you

In the butt, (bleep, cat meows) and cloaca.

In this room, discussing inappropriate,

Instead I'm going to crash

Instead of sending the elevator back down

Is a path to disappointment and destruction

Is bird town

Is it weird for you that tuca and I are both doing so great?

Is the weird one in this world.

Isn't it better to take the leap?

Isn't there someone here who can look at my whole being

It dried really fast, huh?

It hurts a lot and makes me really depressed

It makes me feel good

It'll always be there

It's a long and treacherous way home, green beads,

It's fine

It's just you and me alone

It's just your period, baby.

It's knot a bootyhole?

It's like being a sommelier

It's like the smallest, most boring roller coaster,

It's not working, bertie.

It's perfect.

It's weird being employed at one job for this long.

Just getting some work done here.

Just like all my bosses at every job I've ever had.

Just like I did with my job.

Just sick, vicious beasts!

Let's get out of here before we run into you know who.

Let's stop it right there, no

Let's talk tuca!

Letting the internet tell you what to put up your butt.

Leveling up is scary, but it's not as scary as never trying

Life is short.

Like the great barrier reef and the glaciers and the moon

Listen, I have something to tell you.

Look at all those happy investors.

Look at me, I'm unemployable,

Look, sometimes as you get older,

Look, tuca, I hired an employee

Lots of splinters

Love him. (sighs)

Maybe that's why I'm such a bitch.

Maybe we could take a trip sometime.

Maybe you'd like to do this other thing.

Mean ones

Milk me for every cent! I'm ruined!

Mind your own business.

Mm, business? (laughs)

Mmm

Mmm. Horseville

Mommy.

Ms. Peahen, please, can I go to the nurse?

My apartment building.

My bird chirps are rusty, but, um..

My boss just made the stupid mistake of believing in me

My cramps are killing me.

My entire body and mind.

My life pastry drunk

My winter snacks pastries are flying off the shelves

Nah, bertie, I quit.

No pressure.

No problem, I can just leave the pizza here at the door,

No, a lot of pain.

No, don't laugh at that

No, for real, follow me, follow.

No, get out

No, I'm fine.

No, ma'am. You're gonna fix whatever's happening in there,

No, now you just get the single promotion

No, that's tuca's phone.

No, you're right.

No! Oh!

No! Why would you do that?

No! Why would you do that?

Nope, I'm blowing off my boyfriend

Nope, no way. I'm a gyno, so I only look at the one hole.

Not literally that'd be bird chirps

Now we're gonna hang out with my friend bertie for a while.

Now, behold. I am your queen.

Now, when he rings the intercom,

Of (cat meows) town, and that's across the county line.

Of course, that was before tropical storm pantalones.

Of course. Horseville isn't going anywhere

Of every grocery outlet in bird town

Of parakeet park, where I used to give out

Of scorchin' hot gravel nuggets and they made you feel bad,

Of spiders and firearms I wonder if she wouldn't like

Oh

Oh, a new yack review

Oh, a straggler.

Oh, bertie stupid.

Oh, god, let me vanish, please.

Oh, honey, it's just your monthly room repaint.

Oh, how'd you do it, winter?

Oh, I never look at my text history.

Oh, it's okay, I don't mind.

Oh, my god, is this a dream?

Oh, my god, tuca, you're not gonna prevent bad stuff

Oh, my god! Chef winter garcia is here?!

Oh, no, this is real bad!

Oh, no!

Oh, right, yeah tuca,

Oh, right.

Oh, tucy, tucy, tucy, you drive a hard bargain

Oh, we are all doomed!

Oh, well, what about a bit of bourbon?

Oh, wow!

Okay

Okay, but, uh, is this chronic thing

Okay, how about you head back to your hotel?

Okay, how many babies do you want?

Okay, so maybe it is what you'd think

Okay, then. I guess we'll cross that scary bridge

Okay, this is just a quick cat scan.

Okay, well, if we're going off general vibe,

Okay, well, sounds like you're not quite what I'm looking for

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Hmm, are you gonna see figgy tonight?

Okay. How do we get out of here?

Okay. Thank you.

On being the best damn architect in the world, okay?

On every dessert aisle shelf in bird town?

On the yellow market for $58 an ounce.

On this scale?

On you, tuca.

On your body and make sympathetic noises?

Only to curse out the gods that made you?

Ooh, a and also, her daddy issues?

Ooh, am I tempted?

Ooh, another one

Ooh, antiquated confections!

Ooh, I already got my first yack review.

Ooh, I want a fun hat

Ooh, my name is kara.

Ooh, yes!

Oops, I got to run.

Oops.

Or else I'll have you all beheaded.

Or perhaps a picnic?

Or teach your ducks jazz?

Our city's housing crisis

Our terrific toucan!

Out of the..

Out! There's a fudge shop down the street.

Ow! (crying)

Pastries a little zhuzh.

Pee pee!

People love the tasty treats, bertie.

Pew, pew.

Piss is currency to them, bertie.

Play for now.

Please call me at the following number to discuss further

Please don't sting me.

Plus, we all have our weird body stuff

Popular cookie, emo cookie,

Population: Shut up about it.

Put it all on stocks

Put on a show you'd like to watch?

Quit faking it, tuca.

R repaint my apartment.

Really? Because I can think a ton

Really? It's just a work mixer, but okay.

Right now, I just want to go home.

Right? I can't believe it.

Says me, figgy.

Sear them until caramelized, you zest the rinds,

Searching for their little friend

See footnotes for citations of her fear

She sucked all of the suckies

She was too much for me. I had to take care of myself.

She'll talk when she's ready.

She's incredible.

She's really into heface.

Should bertie get really into hats this year?

Should bertie get spicy chips or plain?

Should I buy this for you, or is it too corny?

Shut up, you rich nimby jerk

Shut up. This is a huge waste of time.

Sincerely, tuca.

Snip, snip! (laughs)

So don't worry about being too much for me

So I sold my land back to the city

So I took out another huge loan

So I'm gonna go hit the clubs.

So it might affect your fertility.

So much goes in and comes out, and very little of it is oxygen.

So now it's time to show you my most prized possessions.

So sorry.

So then don't point to that one.

So those are the results.

So we must confiscate your pastries into our bellies

So, how come you've never pooped while I'm over here?

Sold the muffins es a.

Someday my collection will be complete.

Something more along the lines of a really nice rolling pin.

Sometimes I compare myself

Speckle, I'm just excited to be your plus one.

Speckle, I'm so sorry, okay?

Speckle, that was great.

Speckle: Come on in.

Speckle! I don't have time to explain.

Speckle's fancy party.

Stop micromanaging me!

Stragglers die of exposure in the cold of night.

Sure, just fill out these ten pages of paperwork.

Sweet beak sucks

Ta da.

Taking care of that.

Talked to you about this before, but since we are being frank,

Tell bertie to get the spicy chips if she wants them.

Tell him to leave the pizza in the lobby.

Tell me more of the things you like about me.

Thank you for safely guiding us through these dance moves.

Thanks for the b fast, b friend.

That I'm not that excited about.

That would be really nice

That's how I met figgy.

That's it, keep waving.

That's just a knot.

That's not my issue.

That's the advice I'd give myself at your age.

That's the thing about fancy galas.

That's true

That's what I love about this job

That's why I photosynthesize most of my nutrients.

The element most essential to our success

The first non plant I've dated.

The lady from the pastry box? (laughs)

The one stop shop for telling businesses

The pride of bird town tours

The prize of being audited by the irs

The real me.

The rest got burnt while I was figuring out

The sabotage is coming from inside the house

The thing that needs fixing upping

The year people stopped giving a (bleep)

Then I realized

Then who's georgette?

Then you black out,

Then you jolt back into consciousness

There is no free will.

There she is!

There's nothing else I can do for you.

There's such a thing as too much tuca, even for tuca.

They ate all the pastries?

They don't want to talk to me

They hate liars, bertie

They just want to collect my urine and sell it.

They're selling like hot cakes, frozen cakes,

Think on it.

This flare up will end soon, and I'll feel fine

This is bad, bertie!

This is dry clean only!

This is so good

This is so messed up.

This is the same paperwork I already filled out.

This is tuca.

This is why I should never say yes to anything

This means it's fine

This was the site where I renovated my home

This website says if I give myself a celery juice enema,

This will really dick everything up!

Those are great ideas for bertie's birthday.

Those tents are unsightly

Through the glass ceiling for the next generation..

Thy destiny is but a single path of loopedy loops.

Time to hop on your cotton pogo stick and go, go, go.

To a... (groaning) real hospital.

To people I admire, like, like...

To sleep in a big bed

To stop wasting my time

To your right, you'll see the remains

Top with a twist from any fruit

Trusting me with any responsibility

Tuca was upset about you for months,

Tuca, can you save us, please?!

Tuca, I was cleaning up after a tour,

Tuca, I'm so excited to be your plus one!

Tuca, thanks

Tuca, you need to see a doctor.

Tuca, you're visiting early today.

Tuca: You all must obey my wishes!

Tuca?

Tuca's at the doctor.

Tuca's not painting her apartment.

Tuca's thriving at her new job

Turns out he was just seasick

Ugh. My period is so annoying.

Ugh. You again.

Uh, hi, everyone.

Uh, I'll get right to it

Uh, I'm painting.

Uh, let's see.

Uh, you know, that's..

Uh...

Uh...

Uh... Good

Uh... Yes

Uhp! Stay the course, red beads.

Um, I'm fine.

Um...

Undependable, professionally and romantically unviable.

Very handsome

Very well, but I just know this lemonade's gonna end up

Wait

Wait, I uplift other women

Want me to bring you some pizza?

Way too broad

We don't communicate at all

We had a good chat.

We just need to get a urine sample.

We need to sweep these streets

We need to sweep these streets

We only need it to assess your health.

We'll be covering professional boundaries in the workplace.

We've all seen how the flood has exacerbated

We've got to get you to a real hospital.

Welcome to horseville.

Welcome to the sexual harassment seminar.

Welcome to tuca stan

Welcome to womanhood.

Well, only one.

Well, thank you, but I'm looking

Well, that's a great reason to get fixed.

Well, this pain is in your pelvis,

Well, you actually helped me with one little thing

Well, you're an a plus corp in my book.

What do I do now? I'm bored

What I said came out really wrong.

What if I catered your gala tomorrow?

What? I don't need to lose weight.

What? I I didn't even get a warning!

What?!

What's a six letter word for "boundaries"?

What's he gonna say next?

What's that, I'm getting a huge settlement

Whatever is wrong with me is affecting

When (bleep) was built.

When they all went nuts

When we come to it. (laughs)

Where I don't feel like chopping off my lower body.

Where's human resources?

Whew, figgy's just left.

Which is crazy because obviously, I'm the queen.

While I focus on what I was born to do

While I handle the business side

Who here is a tuca tour virgin?

Whoa oh oh oh oh!

Whoa, what's all this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tuca, what?

Whoa.

Whoops, I just happen to be

Why do you all trust me to guide you?

Why don't you get in bed?

Why I feel so bad each month.

Why would I need three holes down there?

Will you be my mommy?

With a careless toucan was a deadly mistake!

With all the new business you're bringing in.